SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 1

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05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Amy Poehler
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Finesse Mitchell
…..Bill Hader
…..Andy Samberg

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler Good evening, I’m Amy Poehler.

Horatio Sanz: And I’m Horatio Sanz.

Amy Poehler Tina’s on assignment; she and her husband, Jeff, hada baby girl! [more cheers and applause] That’s right. Alice ZenobiaRichmond was born three weeks ago today, and they’re all doing great,and we send them all of our love. And I think we have a picture.

[a very sloppy drawing of a baby wearing a diaper and glasses is shown,labeled “Artist’s Rendering”]

Aww! That’s nice, she has Tina’s eyes. Beautiful.

Here are tonight’s top stories: In the wake of newly-alleged prisonerabuse this week, Senator John McCain said that continued mistreatment ofIraqi prisoners is hurting the nation’s image. Also hurting thenation’s image: letting people drown when it rains. [picture of aflooded New Orleans]

Horatio Sanz: While appearing before a Senate committeeinvestigating the Katrina disaster, Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blancosaid, “We are looking forward, not backward,” at which point she was hitfrom behind by a hurricane. [applause]

Citing rising fuel costs and other expenses, Amtrak announced Tuesdaythat ticket prices nationwide would increase an average of three to fourdollars, starting next Tuesday. While Greyhound can no longer promisetheir passengers that their rides won’t be Flintstone-style.

Amy Poehler: Christian conservatives are claiming that the hitdocumentary “March of the Penguins” supports the theory of intelligentdesign. Meanwhile, backers of evolution claim that intelligent designis refuted in the documentary “March of the Bonaduces.” [applause]

And now with an editorial is our own Horatio Sanz. [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: President Bush is a genius! The end.

[awkward pause]

Amy Poehler: Wait a minute, wait a minute. That’s it? You know,you have to kind of explain yourself a little bit.

Horatio Sanz: Fine, I’ll explicate.

Every time Bush screws up, he gets people off his back by doingsomething even more screwed up. The War in Iraq gets knocked off thefront page by the Karl Rove leak, which gets forgotten because of CindySheehan, then Hurricane Katrina comes along.

Amy Poehler: Oh. OK, and that makes him a genius, how?

Horatio Sanz: Well yes, Amy. I mean, I tried this Bush techniquethis past week, and it was very useful. On Wednesday I showed up twohours late for rehearsal, so to distract people from that, I was alsodrunk. [some applause] Then when somebody asked me if I was drunk, Ipunched Rachel Dratch in the neck. When they were putting her in theambulance, I said, “Hey everybody, I’m gonna buy lunch!” Then I orderedfifty pizzas and left without paying!

Amy Poehler: You’re right, Horatio, President Bush is a genius. And so are you.

It was announced today that Paris Hilton broke off her engagement toParis Latsis. Insiders say she may be involved with a record producer. You can trust these insiders, because they have literally been insideher. [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: Now with a report on New York’s thriving club sceneis our nightlife correspondent, Finesse Mitchell.

[pan to Finesse; applause]

Finesse Mitchell: Hey, thank you. Hey! Now, the New York clubsare the place to be, and be seen. And I, for one, like to go withKenan, because Kenan is really famous. I mean, I’m just snap famous. People see Kenan, they go crazy, “Kenan!!” They see me and theygo, “Oh—uh…” [snapping his fingers in thought] “What’s your name,again?” So it helps to go with Kenan, you know.

But I still do alright once I get in the club. Like, uh, one time—Idon’t wanna brag, but this girl came up to me, and she was buyin’ medrinks all night. But you know how sometimes in-the-club, in-the-darkpretty is different from outside, outside-the-club, in-the-light pretty? Well, you know, to make a long story short, we decided to go hometogether, and on the way home I could see a little bit better now,because she was sittin’ on the passenger’s side, and every five secondsthe street lights would shine in and hit her in the face. And everytime the light hit her, I could see her better, so I was like, ooh! Oh! Oh my God! [pretending to hold onto a steering wheel while repeatedlyducking down in disgust] I think this is a man! Oh my God!

But, see, I wasn’t sure, because you know, she had nice breasts, but shehad real big hands, so you know, I got a little nervous, so you know, Istarted to check her neck for the Adam’s apple, ‘cause that’s what mygranddaddy taught me in fifth grade, “If you not sure, you better checktheir neck!” So I’m tryin’ to drive, and look all up under her neck,and see her neck, but I couldn’t tell, you know. And so then I turnedthe radio down so I could hear a little bit better, you know, ‘cause itwas so loud in the club. And I turned the radio down and I said,“Brenda, are you alright?” And she was like, [in a fake high-pitchedvoice] “Yes, I’m fine!” I was like, oh, that don’t sound right at all!

So my Spidey-sense is tinglin’ and everything, and—but I don’t panic! Idon’t panic, I just outsmart her. I start winkin’ at her, I startblowin’ kisses at her, and I just purposely took my eyes off the roadand I just kept lookin’ at her. And that’s when I let the car driftonto oncoming traffic on the other side of the road. And then that’swhen she said, “Hey, hey, hey—” [his voice very masculine all of asudden] “Watch the road, man, you about to kill us!” [applause] And I was like, “OH! You’re a dude! You’re a man! Get outta my car,you old… pretty man.” I didn’t know what to say to her—him—shim, Ididn’t know what to say to him.

But I’ve been hiding out in my office ever since, and that’s pretty muchthe club report. Yeah.

Horatio Sanz: Nightlife correspondent Finesse Mitchell,everybody! [cheers and applause; Horatio pats Finesse on the back asFinesse winks at the audience]

Amy Poehler: It was reported that Michael Jackson is trying toput his child molestation trial behind him, by reinventing himself as awomanizing hip-hop artist. He’ll go by the name “The NotoriousC.H.I.L.D. M.O.L.E.S.T.E.R.” [applause]

Horatio Sanz: A defense attorney in Pennsylvania has asked ajudge to bar any reference to his client’s nickname in an upcomingmurder trial, saying that jurors might prejudge someone called “Scuz.” Unfortunately, the man’s real name is Stabby von Killerson.

Amy Poehler: The maker of Kids Beer, a Japanese soft drink thatlooks like beer and tastes like Coke, plans to market the beverage inEurope and the United States. You know, it has a catchy jingle, but itdoes give a little bit of a mixed message. It’s like, “Kids Beer isgood—it’s not beer—but it’s good beer, beer is good—not for kids—coolkids drink beer—Kids Beer—it looks like beer—don’t drink it—It’sdelicious!” [applause]

Horatio Sanz: That’s a catchy jingle.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, it is!

Horatio Sanz: In an interview, hip-hop mogul Suge Knight said heis considering quitting rap in a few years, and becoming a collegefootball coach. And to show he’s serious, he’s already shot JoePaterno. [some applause]

Amy Poehler: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were married Saturdayin a super-secret, Kabbalah-style wedding in California. At thereception, Bruce Willis gave a heartfelt, 35-minute smirk.

Horatio Sanz: Chinese scientists will use GPS technology toobserve the sexual practices of giant pandas… I don’t have a joke, Ijust think that’s cool… I wanna keep my eye on that… I like to watch… Ilike to watch bears screw… [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: He does. He sure does.

Now I would, uh, like to take a moment to introduce our two new featuredplayers, Bill Hader and Andy Samberg.

[Pan to Bill and Andy. Applause. They both wave to the camera]

Bill Hader: Hello! Hi everybody.

Andy Samberg: Hi!

Bill Hader: Hi, uh, I’m Bill Hader.

Andy Samberg: And I’m Andy Samberg, and it is good to be here!

Amy Poehler: Now I- now I know Bill here is an impressionist, butI understand Andy also does some great impressions.

Andy Samberg: Uh, thank you Amy. I do, and in fact, we thoughtit’d be fun to have a friendly new-guy impression-off. Um, so, actuallyAmy, if you’d be so kind as to judge?

Amy Poehler: Oh yeah, absolutely, why not? Uh, time for a“Weekend Update” Impression-Off. Let’s do it!

[title card is shown, with trumpet fanfare; applause]

OK, alright. Alright, Bill, you go first.

Bill Hader: OK, uh, Peter Falk. [hunches over and crosses hiseyes] “Lessee, jeez, this guy, this guy’s WACKO, I tell ya, he’s reallyWACKO!” Thank you. [applause]

Amy Poehler: That was really good.

Bill Hader: Thank you.

Andy Samberg: Alright, alright. Pretty good, but, uh, how abouta little Jack Nicholson? [clears his throat] Alright, here we go.[without changing his voice at all] “Hey, how’s it going? I’m JackNicholson. Wazzup!!”

[Amy and Horatio burst out laughing. Applause. Bill is clearlyunimpressed]

Bill Hader: OK, uh, my next impression is acclaimed English actorJames Mason… “I have told you before, Lolita, no boys!” Thank you.[applause]

Andy Samberg: That was- that was good, but uh, how about a littledash of Julia Roberts? [clears his throat] “Hey, how’s it going? I’mJulia Roberts, the Pretty Woman. Wazzup!!”

Amy Poehler: Ha ha ha! That’s hilarious!

Horatio Sanz: Wazzup!!

Amy Poehler: Wazzup!! I love that!

Bill Hader: [clearly confused] OK, uh, for my final impression,Mr. Christopher Walken.

Amy Poehler: Wait! No! No, Bill, Andy should do Christopher Walken!

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, let Andy do it!

Amy Poehler: Yeah!

Andy Samberg: Uh, OK, here’s Christopher Walken!

“Hey, I’m Christopher Walken. You know, I’m in lots of movies and junk,Wazzuuuuuppp!! [his tongue hanging out; applause]

Bill Hader: OK…

Amy Poehler: Ha ha! He sounded just like him! Wazzup!!Wazzup!!

Bill Hader: OK, you guys, that sounds nothing like ChristopherWalken. And “wazzup,” that’s like a beer commercial from, like, sevenyears ago!

Amy Poehler: Wow, looks like we got a little new guy rivalry.

Andy Samberg: Yeah, maybe your last name suits you, hater!

Bill Hader: [annoyed] It’s Hader with a “d.”

Andy Samberg: [as Bill] “It’s Hader with a ‘d,’ Wazzup!!”[applause]

Amy Poehler: Oh my God! He sounded just like you! He nailedyou!… [calms down] And the winner is Bill Hader.

Horatio Sanz: Yeah.

Andy Samberg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. Bill Hader and Andy Samberg, everyone!

Andy Samberg: New guys! [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: A team of climate experts reported Wednesday thatthe floating cap of ice at the North Pole shrank this summer to itssmallest size in at least a century. Then again, what wouldn’t shrinkin water that cold? Ha ha, you know what I’m sayin’?

Amy Poehler: You know, uh, when I saw it, you were in a sauna, so—

Horatio Sanz: Well, you know, uh, that’s what they say. Eitherreally hot or really cold… heh heh.

Amy Poehler: Is that what they say? [Horatio looks down, embarrassed]

A man returned to his exclusive Hamptons beachfront house after thesummer to find a Bohemian couple having sex in his garden and living inhis home for free. At which point, me and my old man hightailed itoutta there! [some applause]

Rosie O’Donnell has joined Harvey Fierstein in the Broadway revival ofthe musical “Fiddler on the Roof.” Consequently, the roof is now sagging.

For “Weekend Update”—

Horatio Sanz: I’m Horatio Sanz.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Good night and have a pleasanttomorrow.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Catherine Zeta-Jones: 10/22/05: Newsnight with Aaron Brown

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

Newsnight with Aaron Brown

Aaron Brown…..Darrell Hammond
Suzanne Carbonal…..Catherine Zeta-Jones

[open on title screen: “NewsNight with Aaron Brown,” with music]

[dissolve to Aaron Brown at news desk]

Aaron Brown: [title: “CNN: Aaron Brown”] Welcome back to “NewsNight.” I am Aaron Brown, and–How can I put this?–I am better than you. Before the break, we were talking about recent US airstrikes on insurgents in Afghanistan. Just when we think we’re out, they pull us back in. That’s from “The Godfather, Part III,” not Coppola’s best, but I digress. Our correspondent, Suzanne Carbonal, is live in Pashwan, Afghanistan. And, Suzanne, what is the situation there?

[dissolve to Suzanne Carbonal with city of Pashwan and mountains visible behind her]

Suzanne Carbonal: [title: “CNN: Suzanne Carbonal”] Aaron, my crew and I arrived today to find out accomodations destroyed, the city crippled by power outages and a shortage of running water. While the US military claims no civilians were hurt in these airstrikes, clearly it is the civilians who are suffering now. Suzanne Carbonal, CNN News.

Aaron Brown: Thank you, Suzanne. More on that in the coming days.

[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 3”]

Aaron Brown: Good evening. We start tonight’s program with Suzanne Carbonal, live in Pashwan. Suzanne?

[Suzanne’s hair is slightly matted and unkempt, and her eyebrows are strangely bushy and crooked]

Suzanne Carbonal: Aaron, this is our third day of sleeping in our truck, and trying to cover the mountain of chaos here in Pashwan.

Aaron Brown: So you’ve gone just three days without the comforts of home?

Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron.

Aaron Brown: Wow.

Suzanne Carbonal: A small roadside bomb exploded this morning, before dawn.

Aaron Brown: Was anyone hurt, Suzanne? Was your makeup person injured at all?

Suzanne Carbonal: Well, I don’t have a makeup person with me, Aaron. But the cameramen were pretty shaken up with what they were seeing.

Aaron Brown: I should think so.

Suzanne Carbonal: I actually overheard one saying to the other, “Good lord, she looks rough.” And I can only assume he was talking about the beautiful old mosque in the town center, that was now destroyed.

Aaron Brown: Well, be well, Suzanne. We’ll all be praying for you to get some sleep.

[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 6”]

Aaron Brown: Breaking news out of Pashwan. We go to our own Suzanne Carbonal.

[Suzanne’s hair is more matted and unkempt, and her eyebrows are bushier]

Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron, we’re now six days of the ordeal here in Pashwan, and conditions grow more dire each day.

Aaron Brown: Suzanne, are any supplies getting in? Food? Water? Soap? Tweezers?

Suzanne Carbonal: No, Aaron. Although, this morning, an angry mob pelted me with hair brushes and tubes of lipstick.

Aaron Brown: A violent, put perhaps well intended gesture.

[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 10”]

Aaron Brown: Day 10 of the Pashwan standoff. Suzanne, were you in a fight or something?

[Suzanne’s hair is as on Day 6, but bushy, crooked eyebrow stretches across her entire forehead and she is now wearing glasses and has several front teeth prominently missing]

Suzanne Carbonal: No, Aaron. Actually, my contact lenses became infected, and I seem to have lost one of my porcelain veneers.

Aaron Brown: It’s more than one.

Suzanne Carbonal: Well it pales, Aaron, in comparison to what the people of Pashwan have lost.

Aaron Brown: And how is the crew holding up?

Suzanne Carbonal: Oh, they’re nervous, Aaron. Yes. A few have suggested, for my own safety, I put on a burqa. You know, the traditional full head covering. [gestures downwards across her face]

Aaron Brown: Perhaps for our viewers’ safety as well.

Suzanne Carbonal: What do you mean, Aaron?

Aaron Brown: Nothing. We’ll be right back.

[dissolve to main title screen, then title screen with graphic: “The Pashwan Standoff: Day 14”]

Aaron Brown: Before we go to the Pashwan story, we have breaking news about Hurricane Wilma. We go now to Fort Lauderdale–or, Fort Myers, Florida, with our own…really? Suzanne Carbonal.

[initially facing away from the camera, Suzanne turns to face forward, with severe hurricane conditions visible behind her; she appears as on Day 14, but now with huge, extremely frizzy hair]

Suzanne Carbonal: Yes, Aaron, we had heavy rain last night.

Aaron Brown: It would seem so.

Suzanne Carbonal: Well, I flew directly from Afghanistan, and I can honestly say things here are even worse.

Aaron Brown: Suzanne Carbonal, looking more and more like Cha-Ka from “Land of the Lost.” Coming up next on “News Night,” what to expect at your colonoscopy appointment, as reported by our own…oh, come on. Suzanne Carbonal.

[dissolve to main title screen]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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