SNL Transcripts: Jon Heder: 10/08/05

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 2

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

October 8th, 2005

Jon Heder

Ashlee Simpson


Lorne Michaels

Liz Cackowski
Harriet Miers NominationSummary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) advises President George W. Bush (Will Forte) that his selection of Harriet Miers (Rachel Dratch) may have been an unwise move.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.


MontageNote: Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph are credited even though they’re both absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Note: Chris Parnell is not credited for this episode.

Jon Heder’s MonologueSummary: During an audience Q&A session, Jon Heder stresses that “Napoleon Dynamite” was not based on real people, but his friends Leopold Samsonite (Jason Sudeikis), Jose (Fred Armisen) and Kip (Will Forte) try to prove him wrong.

Bio: Jon Heder (1977-). Actor; starred in last summer’s independent film “Napoleon Dynamite.”


Taco TownSummary: The world’s largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.

Note: In its original broadcast, a control room glitch caused the fake ad to be interrupted midway by the bumper graphic for the Wilson Bros. Funeral home sketch.

Note: This ad parody was cut after last week’s dress rehearsal.


KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) presents a fourth grade science project on insects.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

The WerewolfSummary: In anticipation of the full moon, a man (Jon Heder) tells his date (Amy Poehler) that he was once bitten by a werewolf and will soon transform. But, because it was only a small bite, the man only grows a hideous moustache.


The Misadventures of Tom Delay and Bill FristSummary: Tom Delay (Jason Sudeikis) and Bill Frist (Will Forte) hit the road “Thelma & Louise”-style.

Recurring Characters: Tom Delay, Bill Frist, Bill Clinton.

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teases Manuel Pantalones’ (Horatio Sanz) cousin (Bill Hader), and tells guest Jon Heder that Pedro should have been the star of “Napoleon Dynamite.”

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.

Ashlee Simpson performs “Catch Me When I Fall”First Performed: 10/23/04.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Horatio Sanz continues to substitutes for Tina Fey, who’s on materinty leave. Former food court employee, Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) announces his candicacy for the Supreme Court. In an Update Flashback, Lorne Michaels skirts sexual harassment by teasing Amy Poehler about not wearing a bra.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.


Wilson Bros. Funeral HomeSummary: A group of friends come together in the event of another’s death, but, as the days pass, each member of the group ends up in the casket, until (Jason Sudeikis) suspects foul play. Are the deaths coincedental, or is the gang unwitting victims of a commercial?

Note: Production gaffes abound in great numbers, as cameras focus on actors who aren’t speaking and Rachel Dratch can be glimpsed climbing into her coffin and laughing along with Amy Poehler.


Hubbard SystemsSummary: The head (Seth Meyers) of the Hubbard Systems retreat seminar comments on the IT technicians who played pranks on the corporate board members who drank too much during the Hawaiian party the night before.


Ashlee Simpson performs “Boyfriend”Lyrics

Operator DateSummary: Shy Gary (Jon Heder) is set up on a blind date with Julie (Rachel Dratch), who not only records voice greetings for various companies, but speaks in the same monotone voice when out in public.

Recurring Characters: Julie.


The Black Eyed PeasSummary: An appearance by The Black Eyed Peas (Amy Poehler, Finesse Mitchell, Kenan Thompson, Jon Heder) will liven up any party — order them today.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Open Mic NightSummary: Would-be comedians fail miserably when a bar owner (Jason Sudeikis) holds an open mic night.

Wool SweaterSummary: Keith (Jon Heder) works himself into a frenzy at a Christmas party while waiting to impress his girlfriend, Carrie (Amy Poehler) with his new wool sweater.

Note: This sketch was originally cut from the dress rehearsal of the Steve Carell episode, but later appears in the episode hosted by Dane Cook.

ElevatorSummary: A woman’s (Rachel Dratch) date (Jon Heder) fails to impress her building’s other tenants or her elevator operator (Kenan Thompson).

Hit ManSummary: Hit man Mr. Franco’s (Horatio Sanz) task of killing Gordon the snitch (Fred Armisen) is delayed by the incessant laughter of his henchman, Marty (Will Forte).

Note: An altered version of this sketch will air on the episode hosted by Lance Armstrong.

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Catherine Zeta-Jones: 10/22/05: Special Report

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

Special Report

Brit Hume…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Richards…..Fred Armisen
Captain William Kelly…..Jason Sudeikis
Connelly…..Rachel Dratch
Captain Jeff Walker…..Finesse Mitchell
Fake Captain Jeff Walker…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Fox News music and logo ]

[ logo: “Fair & Balanced” ]

[ logo: “Special Report w/ Brit Hume” ]

[ dissolve to Brit Hume in the studio ]

Brit Hume: Welcome to Washington, I’m Brit Hume. Last week —

[ audience aplauds wildly ]

[ tag: “Fox New Live: Bush To Hold Q&A With Troops” ]

Brit Hume: Last week, partisan critics attacked President Bush for having a frank question-and-answer session with American troops. They called it “staged.” But, just because soldiers were given questions and answers ahead of time, does that make it staged? In this humble reporter’s opinion: absolutely not! However, just to prove those critics wrong, President Bush has answered the call with his usual sound judgment and steely resolve. He’s arranged another discussion, which will be entirely unscripted and spontaneous. We now join the President, live.

[ dissolve to side view of President George W. bush standing at podium and facing a satellite broadcast of half-a-dozen or more American troops sitting together ]

President George W. Bush: Hello, troops. You know, first of all, I want to thank you for your amazing work, and assure you the American public is coming around on the war in Iraq. It’s like NBC’s “My Name is Earl.” You know, it’s not a runaway hit, but people are getting behind it.

Richards: Well, I think the people of Iraq are getting behind you, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Well — [ chuckles ] they haven’t seen my golf game!

[ the troops chuckle politely ]

Richards: That’s a good one, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Well, you know, thank you very much. You know? Yea — uhh — okay. Now, okay, if it’s okay, I’d like to ask you troops a few “informal” questions. And I want you to answer honestly. You know, just whatever comes to mind. Okay, here’s my first “spontaneous” question. Okay. [ makes a quick glance at a blue note card ] “I hear things are going really, really well in Iraq. Is that true?”

Richards: Well, I’m gonna field that question to Captain William Kelly.

Captain William Kelly: [ obviously reading from an off-camera cue card ] “Hello. Wow! I’m thrilled to speak to you. Smile At Camera. It’s moments like these, that I just have to speak from the heart. Point To Chest. Everything in Iraq is going as expected. Well, that’s great to hear, Captain.”

President George W. Bush: [ chuckling nervously ] “Well! That’s.. great to hear, Captain! I’m glad the, uh, mission is a complete success.”

Captain William Kelly: [ fellow soldier Connelly moves her lips as she reads behind Kelly ] “And another success is your nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. She is a woman of principle and deep conviction, and we all know her heart and her character.”

President George W. Bush: “Well! Thank you. You know, I agree. I agree.” My second completely “spontaneous” question, is about, uh — [ glances at second blue note card ] the Iraqi “electricians”. Were the “electricians” incredibly successful by all acounts?

Connelly: “Yes, Mr. President. The ‘e-lec-tions’ went very smoothly. The Iraqi people are so full of freedom, they could burst. Sometimes, an Iraqi will be so full of democracy, they’ll walk into a crowded area and explode. With democracy!”

President George W. Bush: [ chuckling ] I heard about that! That’s, uh – that’s a good sign. Alright, let’s see, uh – I have another “spontaneous” question. Uh — [ glances at another blue note card ] “My Name is Earl” – did that. [ flips through note cards ] “Golf joke” – huge laugh. [ flips through note cards ] Oh, here we go. Okay. Here’s a tough one. Here’s a tough one. “Are you excited about staying in Iraq: A. Because you’re really learning a lot of useful skills, or B. Because you love spreading freedom?”

Richards: Well, I’ll field that question to Captain Jeff Walker.

Captain Jeff Walker: [ reading from cue cards ] “Wow. That is a tough one. I would have to say: both A and B. Ever since September 11th, we felt the call to duty –” [ stops, shakes his head ] Man, y’all not even paying me enough to lie like this! These people don’t want us here –!

[ the image cuts off, as snow fills the screen. Cut back immediately to reveal a second black soldier being pushed into the now-absent Captain Jeff Walker’s seat. ]

Fake Captain Jeff Walker: [ fumbling to grip on the microphone ] Um – uh – hey! This is, uh – this is still me! It’s still Captain Jeff Walker. Uh – I don’t know what got into me. I-i-I-I was trying to explain how much I appreciate this fantastic opportunity.

President George W. Bush: [ chuckling] Please, Captain Walker, you know, it’s the least I could do. You know? And thank you all for joining me in this “frank, open conversation.” We both did a great job being “spontaneous” to each other. Thank you. And good night.

[ dissolve back to Brit Hume ]

[ tag: “Fox News Live: Bush Wows America” ]

Brit Hume: There you have it. Challenging questions from a president so skilled at overcoming challenges! We at Fox News pride ourselves on Fair & Balanced coverage! It should be objectively clear that our president has once again demonstrated grace, intelligence, and courage under fire! The precise qualities that make him one of our finest presidents.

[ tag: “Fox News Live: Bush Better Than Lincoln” ]

And, if I could editorialize for just one moment, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

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