SNL Transcripts: Jon Heder: 10/08/05: Harriet Miers Nomination



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2












05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Harriet Miers Nomination

Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Harriet Miers…..Rachel Dratch
Alberto Gonzalez…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, White House, evening ] [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

Dick Cheney: Uh, Mr. President, before wem eet with Harriet Miers, we should go over what we need to talk to her about.

President George W. Bush: [ looking over notes ] Harriet Miers is a highly qualified judicial nominee.

Dick Cheney: Well, uh, George, you understand that by making this pick we’re opening ourselves to accusations of cronyism.

President George W. Bush: Well, how can you say that? I made this choice based on resume.. and experience. You know, how was I to know that of all of the lawyers and judges in this great country, the most qualified would be my own legal adviser. I mean, what are the odds?

Dick Cheney: You see, that’s what I’m talking about, Sir. If there is even a whiff of impropriety —

President George W. Bush: Dick, relax. You know, I’ll play it down. This wasn’t a choice based on friendship. We’re not even that close. [ presses intercom ] Ashley, send in Ms. Miers.

[ Harriet Miers enters the room, a wide smile on her face ]

Harriet Miers: Bushy!

President George W. Bush: [ equally excited ] Come ‘ere! [ lifts Harriet into his arms ]

Harriet Miers: [ giggling ] Oh, come on, Bushy, put me down!

President George W. Bush: Oh, uh-uh. I want an up-close look at the next member of the United states Supreme Court.

Dick Cheney: [ concerned ] Mr. President, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Could you, uh —

President George W. Bush: what? There’s nothing wrong with this. This is just your garden variety President/judge stuff.

Dick Cheney: Put her down, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Uh-uh!

Harriet Miers: Oh, put me down, Sir.

Dick Cheney: [ sternly ] Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Okay, Dick. [ lowers Harriet to the ground ]

Harriet Miers: Oh, thank you, Sir.

President George W. Bush: Alright, sit down over here on this couch. [ they sit on the couch together ] Alright, Harriet, we just wanted to talk to you before things got too crazy, because over the next couple of months people are gonna be digging into your background.

Harriet Miers: Oh, uh.. that won’t be a problem because, I don’t know if you boys have heard, but, uh.. I don’t have a background. [ she laughs ]

President George W. Bush: isn’t she perfect?

Dick Cheney: Yeah. Be a lot easier If she wasn’t such a close friend.

President George W. Bush: I don’t get it, Dick. You know, I don’t know why everyone says that cronyism is a bad thing. You know, I’m a crony. You’re a crony. This is what we do. Cronyism. Do you think I got into Yale because of my grades? No. I cronied my way in there. You think I got to own a baseball team because I’m a good baseball team owner? Big time crony on that one. Now, hey, you know, look at me now: I’m the President of the United states. You can’t get cronier than this.

Dick Cheney: You’re right there. But it didn’t work out so well with your Buddy Michael brown running FEMA.

President George W. Bush: I chunked it on that one, Dick. Maybe I.. I should have looked harder for a better man but you know me, I don’t like to look harder. You know, for instance, you know I like the Outback Steakhouse. You could.. tell me that the best restaurant in the world is across the Street. But If thehere is an Outback Steakhouse on my side of the street, that’s where I’m eating. I trust it. I like their steaks.

Dick Cheney: I like the Bloomin’ Onion. [ Laughs ] That’s good eatin’!

President George W. Bush: Yes, it is, Dick. All right. But you see what I’m getting at. You know, why look for a five-star restaurant when I got an Outback Steakhouse sitting right here. You know?

Harriet Miers: Thank you, Sir.

President George W. Bush: You know, frankly, I don’t think cronyism will even be an issue with Harriet.

Harriet Miers: Oh, thank you.

Dick Cheney: All right. Good enough for me. Thanks for stopping by, Harriet. Good luck with the confirmation. I think you’ll do just fine. [ Harriet exits the room ] Oh, uh.. Mr. President, Alberto Gonzalez is outside.

President George W. Bush: Oh. Send him in, Dick.

Dick Cheney: Alberto, you’re on.

[ an unhappy Alberto Gomez enters the room ]

President George W. Bush: Alberto. My old Buddy. How long you been waiting out there?

Alberto Gomez: Two weeks.

President George W. Bush: [ smiles ] Get over here! [ Alberto steps closer ] Look, you know.. you’re not.. mad about being passed up for the supreme court again, are you? [ Alberto is silent ] Come on, don’t be like that, Alberto. You’re one of my cronies. You know, maybe there will be another opening in the supreme court. Justice Stevens tripped on the steps the other day. That’s never a good sign. Come on, crony Buddy. [ Alberto is silent ] Say something. Anything.

[ Alberto speaks at last: ]

Alberto Gomez: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

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SNL Transcripts: Catherine Zeta-Jones: 10/22/05: Creighton Boys School




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 3










05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

Creighton Boys School

Señora Anne Van Patten…..Amy Poehler
Frau Roz Wells…..Rachel Dratch
Madame Hillary Decroix…..Catherine Zeta-Jones
Dennis…..Finesse Mitchell
Boy…..Andy Samberg
Michael…..Kenan Thompson
Mr. Matthew Nelson…..Seth Meyers
Stan Wells…..Horatio Sanz

[open on exterior of school with chiseled stone sigh: “Creighton Boys School”]

[dissolve to interior of teachers’ louge, with Frau Wells seated and eating a sandwich, Signora Van Patten enters]

Señora Van Patten: Ugh.

Frau Wells: How’s your day going, Señora Van Patten?

Señora Van Patten: Not too hot, Frau Wells. I’m down to two students in my noon Spanish class. Two!

Frau Wells: My morning German class got canceled.

Señora Van Patten: This is ridiculous. How can one new teacher make all our boys love French so much?

Madame Decroix: [entering, calling out into hallway] Merci, Jean-Claude! Asseyez! Asseyez-bon mon cherie-la! [closes door] Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour, Señora Van Patten, Frau Wells. Ça va?

Señora Van Patten: We, uh, we don’t speak French, so we don’t understand what you’re saying.

Madame Decroix: Oh, quelle dommage! I am so sorry. You know, when I’m speaking French all day in class, you forget you’re speaking a foreign language.

Frau Wells: No, I don’t have that problem.

Señora Van Patten: Yeah, neither do I and neither did Nancy. You know Nancy, the last French teacher?

Madame Decroix: Oh, yes, I’m so sorry when you lose a colleague. What was she like, Nancy?

Señora Van Patten: Just, you know, so wonderfully plain. A simple, no-frills lady. Overweight, but she didn’t care about that. You know, you knew what you were getting with Nancy.

Madame Decroix: And what happened to her?

Señora Van Patten: She got drunk and slapped a student.

[Dennis enters]

Madame Decroix: Ah! Fire Marshall Denis! Ça va? Ah, mon cherie-la! [kisses him on each cheek]

Dennis: Oh, wait, okay, I can do this. Ça va bien.

Madame Decroix: Ah! [applauds] Bravo, Fire Marshall Denis!

Dennis: [applauds as well, then composes himself] Okay, now look. I’ve done everything I could, but you can’t have more than sixty kids in those rooms.

Madame Decroix: Oh, quelle dommage. Mais, merçi pour essayer, eh? Merçi beaucoup.

Dennis: Oh, no problem.

Señora Van Patten: You understood that?

Dennis: Didn’t need to. [to Madame Decroix] Au revoir. [waves]

Madame Decroix: Au revoir. [waves, Dennis exits] What a nice man. And what nice boys in this school. I’ve never met students so eager to learn a language.

Frau Wells: Really? Hunh.

[boys enter, calling Madame Decroix’s name]

Madame Decroix: Oh, calmez-vous, mes enfants! Calmez-vous, calmez-vous!

Boy: We have a question.

Madame Decroix: Oui?

Boy: How do you say “lunch?”

Madame Decroix: Déjuner.

Michael: And “breakfast?”

Madame Decroix: Petit déjuner.

Boy: See, dude, I told you.

Señora Van Patten: Hi, guys. Good to see you again.

Boy: [mumbling] Oh, hey.

Michael: [mumbling] Oh, hey, Ms. Van Patten.

Señora Van Patten: En español, por favor.

Michael: In Spanish? Holo?

Señora Van Patten: No, hola! [disappointed] I had you for three years, Miguel.

Michael: My name is Michel now, s’il vous plaît!

Señora Van Patten: Okay, it’s time for you guys to leave. You can’t be in the teachers’ lounge. [walks to door and opens it] Goodbye.

Both Boys: [exiting] Viva la France!

Madame Decroix: Such enthusiasm for languages, huh?

Señora Van Patten: [flatly] Yeah.

Mr. Nelson: [entering, carrying books] Ah, bonjour, Hilarie!

Madame Decroix: Ah, bonjour, Matthieu! [they kiss on both cheeks] Ça va, mon cherie-la?

Mr. Nelson: Yeah, Ça va bien. [to Señora Van Patten] Hey.

Frau Wells: Hi, Mr. Nelson.

Señora Van Patten: Ugh.

Mr. Nelson: Anyway, voulez-vous aller á le cinéma ce soir?

Madame Decroix: Mais, oui, j’attend. Mais, maintenant, j’ai besoin de…pee-pee. [giggles]

Mr. Nelson: Ah, dépêchez, ma chère!

Madame Decroix: Toute suite! [exits stage right]

Frau Wells: Hey, how long have you spoken French, Matthew? I thought you only knew Latin.

Mr. Nelson: No, I’ve known French for a long time.

Señora Van Patten: Really? Long time, yeah? What’s this? [grabs French textbook from under his arm] Wow. Known it a long time?

Mr. Nelson: Well, long enough, Señorita.

Señora Van Patten: It’s Señora.

Mr. Nelson: Oh! I thought when you get divorced, it changes back.

Señora Van Patten: Are you already sleeping with her?

Mr. Nelson: As they say in Latin, veni vidi vici.

Señora Van Patten: Keep laughing, buddy. Soon, you’re not going to have any students, either.

Mr. Nelson: Well, you’d totally be right, if Latin wasn’t a required class. There isn’t really an appropriate Latin phrase for this, so let me leave you ladies with [slams fist in the air] BOOYAH! [backs towards door with his arms spread and exits]

Madame Decroix: [returns] Oh, Matthieu left?

Señora Van Patten: Yeah, he did. And I should warn you about that guy. He has a bit of a reputation.

Madame Decroix: Oh, don’t worry. No, the French and France has made me open to things. He’s told me all about his ex-lovers.

Señora Van Patten: Oh, you know, your lack of hang-ups is just so refreshing.

Frau Wells: Be careful, Anne.

Señora Van Patten: No, Roz! I can’t hold it in anymore! Hey, Hillary?

Madame Decroix: Hilarie. The “H” is silent.

Señora Van Patten: Okay, the “H” is silent? In that case, ‘Ilary, your perfume makes you smell like a ‘oooker!

[Mr. Wells enters]

Stan Wells: Um, hello, ladies. Could you help me? Where would one drop off a lunch for my son? He raced out this morning; he plum forgot it.

Madame Decroix: Who’s your son?

Stan Wells: Bobby Wells.

Madame Decroix: Oh! Bobby Wells! Oh, my prize pupil. [runs the back of her hand over his cheek] I can see where he gets his good looks.

Stan Wells: Oh. [chuckles] You must be Madame Decroix. Oh, he never stops talking about you. And let me tell you something, the picture on his cell phone does not do you justice.

Madame Decroix: Mr. Wells, why don’t you try the cafeteria?

Stan Wells: [chuckles in a low growl] Thank you. [turns to Frau Wells] What time you getting home, honey?

Frau Wells: 4 o’clock, Stan. Same as every day.

Stan Wells: All right. [turns disinterestedly and exits]

[bell rings]

Madame Decroix: Ah, back to the grind, my friends. I shall see you soon. [bends over to pick up some books] Les livres.

Señora Van Patten: Uh-huh.

Madame Decroix: Merci beaucoup! Á toute suite! [exits]

Señora Van Patten: Where’s the closest bar, Roz?

Frau Wells: I have Scotch in my desk.

Señora Van Patten: [grabs sombrero from table] Let’s hit it.

[both exit]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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