SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Debbie Downer

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Debbie Downer

MC…..Kenan Thompson
Woman…..Amy Poehler
Man #1…..Fred Armisen
Man #2…..Horatio Sanz
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Bob Bummer…..Steve Carell

[open on reception with bride and groom slow-dancing to the side while four attendees are seated]

MC: All right, put your hands together for Mr. and Mrs. Paul Anderson! All right, I will be back in just a bit. Please, enjoy your dinners!

Woman: Aw, you guys, I love weddings!

Man #1: This is one of the best ever!

Man #2: Aw, and don’t they look perfect together?

Debbie Downer: Yeah, but so did Renée and Kenny.

Woman: What?

Debbie Downer: Zellweger and Chesney. They looked great together, too. Let’s just hope this marriage doesn’t end in [air quotes] “fraud.”

Man #1: What?

Debbie Downer: Wish them luck. The only thing higher than gas prices in this country are divorce rates. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

[dissolve to jingle montage]

Jingle: “You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!” [zoom on Debbie’s sad face] [dissolve to reception]

Man #1: Ah, does anyone else need butter?

Debbie Downer: Oh, none for me, thanks. My doctor says, with my arteries in their condition, it’s highly unlikely I’ll live to see seventy. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wah wahhhhh]

Bob Bummer: [arriving at table] Hi, I guess I’m supposed to be sitting here. I’m Paul’s friend, Bob.

[everyone at table greets him]

Bob Bummer: [sitting] Wow, great wedding. Look at this spread. Could have used all this food at the Superdome. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm] Let’s all have fun tonight. But let’s be vigilant. According to recent Al Qaeda chatter, they’re going to be aiming for smaller targets. Like weddings. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

[dissolve to jingle montage]

Jingle: “Boom wakka wakka wakka / You were mindin’ your own bees wax / to the point where you / can re-lax / but you’re gonna get an earful / of bleak facts / from / Bob Bummer.” [zoom on Bob’s frowning face] [dissolve to reception]

Man #2: Hey, I think the bride and groom should give each other a smooch! What do you think? [everyone clinks their glasses]

Debbie Downer: Hey, do you think Bob’s single? He’s handsome, smart, and charming. Of course, so was Ted Bundy. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

[Man #2 drops his fork]

Woman: Debbie, why don’t you just go talk to him?

Debbie Downer: Yeah? He does look fun.

Bob Bummer: The problem that really keeps me up at night is feline AIDS. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

Debbie & Bob Bummer: It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

[“meow meowwwww” sound effect as close up cuts from Debbie to Bob, with one “meow” for each]

Debbie Downer: Wow, I haven’t smiled this much since the Scott Peterson verdict. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: quick wah wah]

Bob Bummer: Oh, Debbie, you make me forget that the coming Asian flue epidemic could take a billion lives. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

Debbie Downer: I had heard higher. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched, quick wah wah]

Man #2: All right, I’m out of here. [stands and leaves]

Debbie Downer: Bob, would I be a fool to ask you to hold me all night?

Bob Bummer: Not at all, but I get up a lot due to my problems with frequent urination. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

Debbie Downer: Oh, it’s okay. I’m prone to night terrors. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: very high pitched, quick wah wah]

[remaining man and woman stand and leave without another word]

Bob Bummer: Wanna come to my room, and help me inspect my hotel mattress for human stains? I packed a blacklight.

Debbie Downer: [gasps] I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.

[camera closes in on Debbie and Bob’s faces with trumpet and drum simultaneously playing signature sound effects] [dissolve to end title card with close-up of Debbie and Bob’s faces]

Jingle: “No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

Debbie & Bob Bummer: Wake up. The corn belt is now the crystal meth belt.


Submitted by: DavidK93

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SNL Transcripts: Jon Heder: 10/08/05: Taco Town

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Taco Town

…..Bill Hader
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Andy Samberg

[ open on Bill, Jason and Andy eating tacos at Taco Town ]

Bill: You know what I love about tacos?

Jason: What’s that?

Bill: Everything.

[ they all share their joy with laughter, as Andy mimes milking Bill’s taco]

Jason: Can tacos get any more kick-butt than this?

Announcer: [ chuckles ] Oh, ho ho, they’re about to, all right! New, at Taco Town:

[ the ingredients are continuously filled onto the taco throughout the Announcer’s pitch ]

We take a crunchy, all-beef taco, smother it in nacho cheese, lettuce, tomato and our special southwestern sauce. Then we wrap it in a soft, flour tortilla with a layer of refried beans in-between.

Jason: Sweet!

Announcer: Then we wrap that in a savory corn tortilla with a middle layer of Monterey Jack cheese.

Andy: Awesome!

Announcer: And it gets even awesomer, when we take a deep-fried gordita shell, smear on a little of our special “guacamolito” sauce and wrap that around the outside.

Bill: [ trying to hold this mighty taco ] This is pretty big..

Announcer: But it gets even bigger! Because we bake it in a corn husk filled with pico de gallo, then then wrap that in an authentic Parisian crepe, filled with egg, gruyere, merguez sausage and Portobello mushroom.

Jason: [ getting restless ] Can I eat in now?

Announcer: Sure. But not before we take the whole thing and wrap that in a Chicago style deep dish meat lovers pizza!

Andy: Pizza? Now that’s what I call a taco!

Announcer: Well, it’s not a Taco Town taco until we roll it up in a blueberry pancake, dip it in batter and deep-fry it until it’s golden brown. Then we serve it in all commemorative tote bag filled with spicy vegetarian chili. It’s 15 great tastes all rolled into one.

[ a huge, oversized taco is dropped into a large tote bag, as a cascade of spicy vegetarian chili is poured over it ]

All: Taco Town!

Announcer: The new pizza crepe taco pancake chili bag. Only at Taco Town.

Jason: Taco Town!

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Matthew Brenner

SNL Transcripts