SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Morgan Stanley

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Morgan Stanley

Teacher…..John Lutz
Man…..Will Forte
Ashley…..Amy Poehler
Boyfriend…..Andy Samberg
Dad…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Ashley and her boyfriend standing outside the high school ] [ tag: “Tappan Regional High School – 2:10 p.m.” ] [ minivan pulls up to the curb, as an angry man rushes out of it and toward Ashley and her boyfriend ]

Man: You’ve really done it this time, Ashley. Smoking pot at school?

[ Ashley throws her school books to the ground ]

Man: [ bends down to pick up the books ] That’s going to look good on a college application. That’s gonna put you right in the top earning bracket for rest of your life. [ looks at the boyfriend ] Who is this, your dealer? I guess I’m supposed to give him a ride, too? [ throws all the books into the back seat of the minivan ] I’m not kidding when I tell you this, young lady. If you don’t get into a decent college I’m going to empty out your college fund. And so help me, I’ll.. [ thinks of a punishment severe enough ] Buy a boat!

Ashley: Fine!

Man: Fine! [ everyone climbs into the minivan ] You dress like a total whore by the way.

Ashley: I hate you!

Man: Well, I hate stupidity. And you’re going to be paying credit card interest on that street walker outfit until you’re too fat and old to wear it anymore.

Boyfriend: [ whispers to Ashley ] Your Dad’s kind of a dick.

[ now in the driver’s seat, the man violently struggles to adjust the steering wheel ]

Ashley: That’s not my Dad. That’s our Morgan Stanley guy. [ Dad appears in the passenger seat of the minivan ] Hi, Dad.

Dad: Hey, you kids want to go for ice cream?

Man: Damn it, Frank, grow a pair!

Dad: [ silently ] Sorry..

[ Dad looks sullenly out the window, as the Morgan Stanley tag wipes in ]

Announcer: Morgan Stanley, committed to your family’s goals, maybe more than you are.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Catherine Zeta-Jones: 10/22/05: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

The Butt Cancer Treatment Center

Wife…..Amy Poehler
Husband…..Jason Sudeikis

[In a kitchen; Wife and Husband Sudeikis address the camera earnestly.]

Wife: There’s some things men don’t like to talk about.

Husband: Like butt cancer.

Wife: Yes. Like butt cancer. Did you know that cancer of the dumper affects one in every forty men? But if detected early, it’s often successfully treated.

Husband: If it weren’t for the doctors at the Butt Cancer Treatment Center, I might not be here today.

Wife: We owe so much to the Butt Cancer Treatment Center.

Husband: We do. I was so worried about my pooper. Then one of the specialists at the Center fiddled around with my buns, and found the problem.

Wife: That’s usually all it takes. They diddle your pooper and then you know.

Husband: Knowledge is power.

Wife: If you’re a man over 30 and you’re concerned, you should have someone put a finger up your fartbox.

Husband: My butt is clean and free and living the good life.

Wife: Your fudge factory deserves the best.

[Cut to picture of building, with sign: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center ]

Female voice V/O: The Butt Cancer Treatment Center. Let us check out your stinker.

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