SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Steve Carell’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 1

Search Now: In Association with

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Steve Carell’s Monologue

…..Steve Carell
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Amy Poehler
…..Horatio Sanz

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Steve Carell.

Steve Carell: Thank you very much. This is the season premiere of”Saturday Night Live,” and it is the very first show in high-definition. Amazing. Yeah! Now, you may not know this, but about ten years ago, I auditioned for this very show, and it was between me and another guy, and they chose the other guy.

[ show close-up of Will Ferrell dressed as Craig the Cheerleader ]

Steve Carell: Don’t, uh.. don’t be sad for me, because things have been going pretty well. I’m on a hit series, “The Office.” A critically-acclaimed series, “The Office.” And my movie, “The 40 Year-Old Virgin“, just surpassed $100 million. [ audience cheers ] Now, not a lot of comedies reach the $100 million mark. [ sniffs the air, releasing a heavy sound effect ] Know what that smell is?That is rarified air. See, I’m in the big leagues now. I’m in a category with the Vince vaughns, the Owen wilsons, and the Ben stillers.

[ singing, as he sways into the audience ]“I’m one of those guys now
Raking the box office numbers.
I’m not bragging, but it’s not bad to brag
When you’re just like Jack Black but better!”

[ Kenan Thompson appears ]

Steve Carell: Hey, Kenan, my movie just made over $100 million!

Kenan Thompson: $100 million?! Who can imagine that much money?!

Steve Carell: I can. I’m the best!

[ continues singing ]“Hey, move over, will Ferrell
Vince Vaughn, out of my way.
I hear stiller’s a big kiss-ass
And Owen Wilson is gay!”

[ Amy Poehler and Horatio Sanz appear ]

Amy Poehler: I-I-I don’t think Owen Wilson is gay.

Steve Carell: We’re up for the same parts quite a bit. [ a beat ] Hey, guess what, Horatio – my movie broke $100 million. Why don’t you two go buy yourselves a sailboat? [ throws wads of money at Amy and Horatio ]

Horatio Sanz: You’re the best in the biz, Steve carell!

Steve Carell: [ continues singing ]“I started off on Jon Stewart
Basic cable is way in my past.
Now that I’m box office brilliant
Money falls from my ass!”

[ squats gently, as loud coin sound effects are heard ]

“I look better in high-definition
Which brings out my baby blue eyes
And shows my teeth’s perfect condition
And did I mention money falls from my ass?”

[ squats gently again, as loud coin sound effects are heard ]

“Everyone, out of my way!
(Everyone, out of his way!)
old ladies and has-beens and children
I’m on the top, and I can’t be stopped.
So stand back, Wilson!
Stand back, Ferrell!
Stand back, Vince Vaughn!
Stand back, Stiller!
I am one of you now, I’m go-o-o-o-olllld!!Box-office gold!I’m go-o-o-o-olllld!!”

Steve Carell: We have a great show tonight. Kanye West is here. We’ll be right back.

“I’m go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-olllld….”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Catherine Zeta-Jones: 10/22/05

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 3

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 22nd, 2005

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Franz Ferdinand


Special ReportSummary: President George W. Bush holds an obviously scripted Q&A sessions with American soldiers stationed in Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Brit Hume, President George W. Bush.


MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Note: Chris Parnell is not credited for this episode.

Catherine Zeta-Jones’ MonologueSummary: Though initially nervous about hosting, Catherine Zeta-Jones is ready to make herself look foolish on live television — after all, as she sings, “They Can’t Take My Oscar Away.”

Bio: Catherine Zeta-Jones (1969-). Actress; married to actor Michael Douglas since 2000; reprises her role as the wife of Zorro in “The Legend of Zorro” (2005).

Butt Cancer Treatment CenterSummary: Butt cancer survivor (Jason Sudeikis) uses gross euphemisms to describe his recent treatment.


Newsnight with Aaron BrownSummary: Stationed in the ruins of Pashwan, reporter Suzanne Carbonal’s (Catherine Zeta-Jones) personal hygeine begins to take its toll.

Recurring Characters: Aaron Brown.


Dancer PartySummary: Sophie’s (Catherine Zeta-Jones) boyfriend, John (Seth Meyers), is uncomfortable being the only straight-laced attendee of a party inhabited by Bob Fosse-like dancers.

Franz Ferdinand performs “Do You Want To”Bio: Scottish rock quartet named after the Austro-Hungarian Archduke whose murder sparked World War I; members: bassist Bob Hardy, guitarist Nick McCarthy, drummer Paul Thomson, and singer/guitarist Alex Kapranos.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Doral High School football coach Donnie Freeman (Jason Sudekis) is oblivious to his lacking coaching schools. The voice of Don Pardo hits on Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Blind prop comic Pep Walters (Fred Armisen) stumbles through one of his jokes. A lone screen capture at the end of the broadcast pays tribute to the recent death of former cast member Charles Rocket.


Italian HotelSummary: Italian hotel owner Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) and his employees (Fred Armisen, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Horatio Sanz) make stereotypical pop culture references to a group of American tourists (Amy Poehler, Jason Sudekis, Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci.

Access HollywoodSummary: Sharon Stone (Amy Poehler) writes the song “Feed the Wet Ones” to raise money for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Recurring Characters: Sharon Stone, Aretha Franklin, Nick Carter.

Creighton Boys SchoolSummary: Fellow language teachers (Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch) are jealous of the popularity of the hot new French teacher (Catherine Zeta-Jones).


Franz Ferdinand performs “Take Me Out”

Musical VowsSummary: A bride (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and groom (Will Forte) sing a bawdy tune about their courtship, then proceed to spank one another in front of distraught family members.


Morgan StanleySummary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.

Note: Repeat from 10a.

Schatzki’s DeliSummary: Brad Scheinwald’s (Seth Meyers) secret meeting with an actress (Amy Poehler) to play the lead in an Emily Dickinson biopic goes awry when Grandpa Abe (Rachel Dratch) shows up with a Spanish TV actress (Catherine Zeta-Jones) he feels would be better suited to star in the role.

Recurring Characters: Brad Scheinwald, Abe Scheinwald.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

J.J. CasualsSummary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot.

Note: This commerical parody later appears in the episode hosted by Jason Lee.

OutsidersSummary: Talk show format for the unpopular crowd.

Secret Democrat MeetingSummary: Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler), John Edwards (Will Forte), Howard Dean (Jason Sudeikis), Al Gore (Darrell Hammond), and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) convene in secret to discuss the 2008 nomination.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Howard Dean, Al Gore, John Kerry.

Sexy DentistSummary: A seductive dentist (Catherine Zeta Jones) sexually harrasses her patient (Horatio Sanz).

SNL Transcripts