[ cut back to Kevin Nealon in “Automobile Club”, 11/22/86 ]
Kevin Nealon: And how about these miles scales, on the bottom? Have you ever tried to figure those out? They’re so inaccurate, because you have to do it with your fingers, you know? Because you don’t have a protractor in the car! So you get your fingers out, and you get 50, 60, 70 — by the time you get it up here, it’s like 7,000 miles from your hotel to the supermarket. Maybe — maybe If you did it real fast. You know, 50, 60, 70. [ moves his fingers across the map very quickly ] And maybe, they oughta just draw a little thumb and finger down there, like there, like that.
[ cut to Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers’ performance of “Change of Heart”, 02/19/83 ]
Tom Petty: [ singing ] “Oh yeah, oh boy Looks like we finally reached a turning point Oh me oh my Looks like it’s time for me to kiss you goodbye Yeah, I can kiss you goodbye There’s been a change there’s been a change of heart.”
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: After spending the long weekend in New York, watching the show secretly, it was worse than I thought it would be.
[ cut to Gail Matthius ]
Gail Matthius: We got taken off the air. And everybody said, “Go away, go away for a month. We’ve gotta figure some things out.”
[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]
Gilbert Gottfried: Now, when you come back, we’ll tell you how we’ll be tweaking things. Doing it a little different.
[ cut to Bill Murray as an author revising his novel as the cast acts out the scene behind him, in “Writer’s Script”, 03/07/81 ]
Author: “He chose his wife.”
[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife – gun shot ]
Author: “She screamed –“
[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]
Author: “– and fell to the couch.”
[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]
Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”
[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale – gun shot ]
Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]
Author: No, no, that’s no good. “He falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window – glass shatters ]
Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]
[ cut to Gail Matthius ]
Gail Matthius: And then we came back.
[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: And we heard, “Who’s coming in? We don’t know. Is Lorne coming back? What’s going on?” It was great. It was turmoil!
[ cut to Al Franken commentary on “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”, 04/11/81 ]
Al Franken: Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone who knows what he’s doing? Someone like me, Al Franken? [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] No, they picked Dick Ebersol.
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: There was no chance whatsoever for resurrecting anything resembling “Saturday Night Live”, unless it had Lorne’s approval.
Lorne Michaels: Dick called me and asked If we could have dinner. And he said that Brandon had talked to him. We sat and we talked, and he said that he thought he wanted to do it. And how would I feel about it? And I said, “My first reaction would be that it would be all right.”
Barry Blaustein V/O: He got Lorne’s blessing, which opened up all the old stars —
[ quick clips of John Belushi’s cameo (10/31/81), Father Guido Sarducci hosting (01/14/84), Lily Tomlin exiting Eddie Murphy’s dressing room (01/22/83) ]
Lily Tomlin: “Live from New York, it’s “The Lily Tomlin Show!” [ Eddie Murphy’s arm tugs her back into the hall ]
[ cut to Chevy Chase anchoring Weekend Update, 04/11/81 ]
Chevy Chase: [ talking into the phone ] I think just a firm and gentle tug on the string, and it — [ looks at the camera, quickly hangs up ]
Barry Blaustein V/O: — and all the old writers. Suddenly, Marilyn Miller was in the office, and Alan Zweibel, all happy to help out. So it was brilliant. If Jean had done that, it would have changed history.
[ cut to Al Franken commentary on “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”, 04/11/81 ]
Al Franken: I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn’t know dick. [ laughter and applause ] Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No English-speaking person could do a worse job than Jean.
[ cut to Barry Blaustein ]
Barry Blaustein: Dick Ebersol came in, we did one show. But then, there was a writers’ strike.
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: That was the profound miracle of that first period. Because it was very important to me that the show stop, so that it could re-tool and get new people.
[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: Cut to 17th floor. Bang — everybody getting axed.
[ cut to Gail Matthius ]
Gail Matthius: We had individual meetings with Dick Ebersol. We went in one at a time.
[ cut to Gilbert Gottfried ]
Gilbert Gottfried: You know, it’s always like — “This is always worse for me than it is for you. This hurts me so much more. I’ll have a job. I’ll be making money. You won’t. But it hurts me more.”
[ cut to Bruce Hornsby & The Range’s performance of “The Way It Is”, 01/31/87 ]
Bruce Hornsby: [ singing ] “Standing in line marking time waiting for the welfare dime ‘Cause they can’t buy a job Man in the silk suit hurries by As he catches the poor old lady’s eyes Just for fun he says, “get a job.”
That’s just the way it is Some things never change That’s just the way it is That’s just the way it is.”
Barry Blaustein V/O: There was a total housecleaning. Dick came in, and he fired everyone — except David, myself, Pam Norris, Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo.
[ cut to Bob Tischler ]
Bob Tischler: It was a way of basically making the show our own, rather than just inheriting Jean’s staff.
Joe Piscopo: And they bring Eddie and I before Mr. Ebersol. And Dick says, “I think we’re gonna keep you guys around.”
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: Dick sent Joe and Eddie to Chicago, thinking, “They need some training.” So they both slept on my floor, and we went to do the shows at Second City.
Joe Piscopo: And we came back with some of the Second City guys. And that’s when we started to move.
Announcer: And now, from New York, the most dangerous city in America, it’s “Saturday Night Live.” Starring Robin Duke, Christine Ebersole —
Bob Tischler V/O: The new cast included some seasoned comedy players.
Dick Ebersol V/O: And they were largely choices influenced by John and Danny.
Bob Tischler V/O: They’d done a lot of comedy. They’d done a lot of sketch comedy. They were not intimidated by the process.
[ cut to Mr. T and Robin Duke made up as his wife in “Mr. & Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary Mix”, 10/02/82 ]
Mrs. T: Shut up, old man, shut up! Never canned ’em to the death! I canned the man! But I pity him first!
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky, Eddie Murphy and Tony Rosato spraying each other with “Spray-On Laetril”, 10/17/82 ]
All: [ singing ] “The Pump!”
[ cut to Father Alexander (Tim Kazurinsky) speaking with Nun (Mary Gross) in “Sarcastic Nun”, 11/12/83 ]
Father Alexander: You do want to serve God, don’t you?
Nun: Oh, no. I’m a nun. I want to worship Satan and dance naked at a black mass.
[ cut to Maitre’D (Tony Rosato) checking reservation for The Whiners (Joe Piscopo, Mary Gross) in “The Whiners’ Anniversary”, 04/10/82 ]
Maitre’D: Your name is, Sir, please?
Doug & Wendy: Doug and Wendy Whinerrrr!
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky and Mary Gross as a nerdy couple in “Marvin the Iguana”, 10/23/82 ]
Marvin the Iguana: This is exciting. This place brings out the animal in me.
[ cut to Mary Gross ]
Mary Gross: I’m sorry to say this, but I thought the show was a sinking ship.
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: I didn’t care what a poo the show was in. I just thought, I’m gonna go around and plug up the leaks. I want this thing to stay afloat until I get a house.
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky and a monkey at the breakfast table in “I Married A Monkey”, 04/11/81 ]
Tim: Don’t you see what I’m trying to do here? I am trying to save a marriage! I’m trying to save a family.
[ cut to Mary Gross ]
Mary Gross: I think we were very lucky to come in in 1981. Because the cast that came in in 1980 had to take a lot of abuse from the critics because they were following those five golden years.
[ cut to Barry Blaustein ]
Barry Blaustein: Now it’s accepted that you replace the cast of “Saturday Night Live,” and new people go on. At that time, people questioned whether the show should even continue after the original cast.
[ cut to Robin Duke ]
Robin Duke: There was a feeling that this was gonna be great. You know, that we were going to save the show, I guess.
[ cut to Susan St. James and the cast waving their “Goodnights”, 10/10/81 ]
Susan St. James: “Saturday Night” is back! Good night, everybody! [ Cheers and applause ]
[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: At that point, we went from lackadaisical and cocky to “We’ve got something here. Don’t screw this up, now.”
[ cut to Andy Breckman ]
Andy Breckman: Ebersol was smart enough to know what he didn’t know. He was the only guy in the business I ever heard turn to somebody else and say, “Is that funny? I just don’t know.” He would just admit, “I don’t know.”
Neil Levy V/O: The difference was, there was hip people walking around who knew comedy and had some history.
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: Lorne said to me, “You know who you should really consider as your right arm in all this, is Michael.”
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: I said to Dick, at least it will send the right signals.
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: Michael O’Donoghue, the Dark Prince. Oh, my God.
[ cut to George Thoroughgood & The Destroyers’ performance of “Bad to The Bone”, 10/02/82 ]
George Thoroughgood: [ singing ] “Now on the day I was born The nurses all gathered ’round And they gazed in wide wonder At the joy they had found
The head nurse spoke up Said “Leave this one alone.” She could tell right away That I was bad to the bone.
Bad to the bone B-b-bad b-b-bad b-b-bad.”
???: Dick and Michael were at odds from the beginning of day one.
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: The first fight we had was over billing. Because he wanted to be called “Reich Marshall.”
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky and Mary Gross in “The Fiesta Cheese Platter”, 02/19/83 ]
Marvin the Iguana: [ on the phone ] Oh, no! No. Room Service? Yeah, we’d like to cancel the “Bavarian Pork Surprise.” [ a German marching band suddenly bursts into the room ] Cancel the “Bavarian Pork Surprise!” No!
???: Just delighted in being outrageous and upsetting people as much as he possibly could.
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: It was nuts. When I showed up to work, Michael said, “Viking death! We’re going to take this ship down.”
???: And he just wanted to make it as outrageous as possible while it was going down.
[ cut to Michael O’Donoghue narrating the opening of “The Bizarro World”, 02/20/82 ]
Narrator: [ a cubed Earth spins in space ] Somewhere in space, there exists a parallel universe. Where our earthly events are duplicated. But they are duplicated backwards, for it is a reflection. Our Earth is a sphere, so the parallel Earth is, of course, a cube. This is “The Bizarro World.” But even in this strange world, there is one place so bizarre, it scares even them — [ dissolve to: ] The headquarters of “Bizarro Broadcasting Company!”
[ dissolve to interior, Network President’s office, as Secretary enters ]
Secretary: Mr. President, man is here for job interview.
Network President: We too busy. Send him in! [ Writer enters ] Good-bye, good-bye.
Writer: Me want to work for “Bizarro Network.”
Network President: Ever write a script?
Writer: No.
Network President: Ever direct a show?
Writer: No.
Network President: Know anything at all about television?
Writer: No.
Network President: Congratulations!
???: Dick Ebersol’s most amazing talent is he’s able to deal with the network. And he kept the network away from the show.
[ cut to Bob Tischler ]
Bob Tischler: I don’t remember ever, ever having any network interference at all. You know, except for things that we couldn’t do because of censorship.
[ cut to Jim Belushi in barroom men’s room, watching as Gary Kroeger stuffs toilet paper in his pants in “The Bulge”, 10/06/84 ]
[ Jim Belushi follows suit, and endlessly stuffs toilet paper in his own pants ]
[ cut to Jim Belushi ]
Jim Belushi: We had a film piece. Sasaying, “you can’t do that! That’s a penis!” Ebersol went and fought for that piece. And this is the way he negotiated — “Okay, as long as it’s not smooth.”
[ cut back to “The Bulge”, as Jim Belushi emerges from the men’s room with 6-foot padding in his pants ]
Jim Belushi V/O: So we had this 6-foot thing with all these bumps on it. It looked grosser than it would smooth. Ebersol had a way with the network.
[ cut to Lone Justice’s performance of “Shelter”, 12/20/86 ]
Lone Justice: [ singing ] “Let me be your shelter Shelter from the storm outside. Let me be your shelter Shelter From the endless tide.”
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: The cast benefited on a number of levels from Eddie’s emerging stardom. I think Eddie and Joe Piscopo saved the show. I think that’s fair to say. Because the network was seriously thinking about giving it the ax.
Joe Piscopo: I was just so grateful that Eddie was on the show, man. Because they were looking to me. And I didn’t wanna have that charge.
[ cut to Jerry Lewis onstage with Joe Piscopo, also dressed as Jerry Lewis, in “Impersonation Tips”, 11/19/83 ]
Joe Piscopo: [ calls offstage ] Murphy!
[ Eddie Murphy runs onstage, also dressed like Jerry Lewis ]
Joe Piscopo: [ to Lewis ] A 9-year-old.
Jerry Lewis: [ to Eddie, talking like a little kid ] Yeah, you know what I was telling him?
Eddie Murphy: [ also talking like a little kid ] You mean, this, the habit, the 9? When I was young, and used to watch “Gilligan.” “Uh-huh,” and all the side — the habit —
Jerry Lewis: When you were 9, you “uh-huh”?
Eddie Murphy: Once, but it didn’t count, ’cause it was — I didn’t — whoa!
Jerry Lewis: Just “whoa!”
Together: But now — “wow!” Yeah!
[ cut to Barry Blaustein ]
Barry Blaustein: Joe came to me, and said, “You know, you should try writing something for Eddie, because he’s talented.” Other people weren’t writing for him. And it was like, “Well, he’s not really a cast member.” This guy is the real deal. You know, you want to write for the people who’ll get over your material the best. And Joe and Eddie were the two people there who were the most talented.
Mr. Robinson: [ singing ] “It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood A beautiful day for a neighbor Would you be mine? Could you be mine?”
[ cut to Gumby (Eddie Murphy) interrupting his doppleganger (Gary Kroeger) while directing his life story in “The Gumby Story”, 11/05/83 ]
Gumby: Cut! Who told you to say “Dammit!” dammit? Who told you to say “Dammit”? Did I tell you to say “Dammit”?
Doppleganger: I thought it would be truer to the character.
Gumby: Hey, who’s directing this picture? Me! Who wrote this picture? Me! This is “The Gumby Story,” dammit! And Gumby does not say “Dammit!” The line is, “I am Gumby, by gum!” All right?
[ cut to Buckwheat (Eddie Murphy) demonstrating his vocal skills in “Buh-Weet Sings“, 10/10/81 ]
[ SUPER: “Wookin’ Pa Nub” ]
Buckwheat: [ singing ] “Wookin’ Pa Nub in all da wong paces. Wookin ‘ Pa Nub.”
Announcer: Once Buh-weet sings a song, it’s eternally his.
[ cut to Mr. Robinson (Eddie Murphy) standing in his apartment in “Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood”, 02/21/81 ]
Mr. Robinson: That’s our special word today, you know. Come see.[ he walks over to the secret word board, to reveal the word “Bitch” ]
[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]
Margaret Oberman: He was this young, black man, who was basically saying, you know, “Shut the hell up.” And “Kill the landlord.” And, you know, was seemingly sort of menacing and scary. But not scary. And middle America was going, “Oh, we just love this.”
[ cut to Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) pointing a gun at Ariel Feeley (Mary Gross) in “Reclusive Poet”, 03/27/82 ]
Tyrone Green: Miss Feeley, I find your poetry scintillating in its scope. I’m Tyrone Green.
Ariel Feeley: Tyrone Green! You were published in the Rockland Prison Poetry Quarterly. I know your work by heart! Dark and lonely on a Summer’s night. Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. The watchdog barking, do he bite? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
Together: C-I-L-L my landlord.
Tyrone Green: Damn, that still holds up.
Ariel Feeley: Oh.
[ cut to Mary Gross ]
Mary Gross: It was no surprise when Eddie took off with “48 Hours.” It was no surprise.
Barry Blaustein V/O: No one said, “I’m gonna make Eddie the star.” It’s very obvious, Eddie’s the star.
James Brown: “Hot tub! Ah! Get in! Gonna get in the water! Gonna make me sweat! Ah! Here I go in the hot tub!
[ touches a toe into the hot tub water, quickly pulls it out ]
Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ottttt!!!
Too hot in the hot tub! Ma! Burn myself! Make it cooler! Good God!”
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: Not a lot of attention has been to the fact that Eddie was really a team player. He was very gracious to the rest of the cast. And would say, “I’m in too much. Some stuff to these other guys.”
[ cut to Woman (Mary Gross) smiling at Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) in “Tyrone Green Art Gallery“, 09/25/82 ]
[ cut to Mr. T (Eddie Murphy) watching as Mrs. T (Robin Duke) hugs Steve Lawrence (Joe Piscopo) in “The Mrs. T Birthday Special”, 03/19/83 ]
[ cut to Alfalfa (Mary Gross) and Buckwheat (Eddie Murphy) in “The End of Buckwheat”, 12/15/84 ]
[ cut to Eddie Murphy and Tim Kazurinsky in some sort of office sketch ]
Eddie Murphy: Marvelous! [ cracks up ]
[ cut to E. Eppy Doolittle (Eddie Murphy) getting pelted with pieces of cake from offscreen in “Club Doolittle”, 04/09/83 ]
E. Eppy Doolittle: [ Eddie finally breaks character, cracking up ] This is live television! This show’s live!
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: He was a Mensch.
[ cut to Stevie Wonder’s performance of “Overjoyed”, 05/07/83 ]
Stevie Wonder: [ singing ] “And maybe, too, if you would believe You, too, might be overjoyed Over love, over me And though the odds improbable, what do they know For in romance all true love needs is a chance And maybe with that chance you will find now.”
Tim Kazurinsky V/O: You go to the read-through, and all, like, 30, 40 pieces were written for Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy. You knew that Dick was tapping those guys for stardom, and, on some level, they were keeping the show alive. But, on the – you know, like – can somebody throw us a bone?
[ cut to Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo) and Dion Dion (Eddie Murphy) in “What Would Frank Do?”, 04/09/83 ]
[ cut to Eddie and Joe at Home Base ]
[ cut to Eddie and Joe as old men on a park bench ]
[ cut to Eddie and Uncle Tom (Joe Piscopo) ]
[ cut to opening slide, “I Married A Monkey”, 11/14/81 ]
Announcer: And now, another edition in the continuing daytime drama – “I Married A Monkey.”
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: I thought, if I worked with a chimp live, I got a feeling something’s gonna screw up, and people will know that this is happening live.
[ cut back to Tim on the bed with Madge the chimp, in “I Married A Monkey”, 11/14/81 ]
Tim: Can’t you see that it tears me apart inside, knowing that if I so much as try to give you a kiss — [ Madge leans over and gives Tim a rough hug, to the audience’s delight ] Madge – no, I don’t want your pity.
Tim Kazurinsky V/O: People instinctively knew that this is happening in the now.
Tim: [ as their baby chimp jumps about the room ] The kid doesn’t get enough attention!
[ the baby chimp jumps on a chair, knocking a framed picture down from the wall ]
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: I think we did another half a dozen of those before I realized that the chimp was trying to kill me.
Dick Ebersol: Bob Tischler and I went to Chicago later that year.
[ cut to Bob Tischler ]
Bob Tischler: “Second City” was tired of having their cast taken away. So they suggested that we go around the corner to another theater.
Tim Kazurinsky V/O: The Practical Theater Company.
Bob Tischler V/O: Dick just hired the whole group.
[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: It was mind-blowing. Because I was a Junior in college.
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: You know, they came in all shiny and clean and spanking new, and thinking that it’s going to be like Communism. And it’s not. It’s not even Socialism. It’s — it’s Capitalism.
[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]
Gary Kroeger: I don’t think I had hair under my arms, honestly. I was so immature.
[ cut to cast and Louis Gossett, Jr. in “Louis Gossett, Jr.’s Monologue”, 10/02/82 ]
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Dreyfus!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Sir!
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Duke!
Robin Duke: Sir!
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Kroeger!
Gary Kroeger: Sir!
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Pratfall!
Gary Kroeger: Sir!
[ Kroeger drops flat to the floor, then jumps back on his feet ]
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Hall!
Brad Hall: Sir!
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Set up!
Brad Hall: Doctor, doctor! My wife just swallowed a whole bottle of aspirin! What’ll I do, Sir?
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Kroeger!
Gary Kroeger: [ nervous, sweating ] Uh — she threw up, Sir?
Louis Gossett, Jr.: No! Gross!
Mary Gross: Sir!
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Punchline!
Mary Gross: Wake her up and give her a headache, Sir!
Gary Kroeger: [ chuckles audibly, to Gossett, Jr.’s chagrin ] That’s very funny, Sir.
[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: I’ll tell you how we got introduced. Badly.
[ cut to Robin Duke ]
Robin Duke: Oh, those poor kids.
[ cut to Andrew Smith ]
Andrew Smith: Dick says, “I found the answer to our troubles and here they are, these college kids.” And he made them perform for all the staff their first day in town.
[ cut to Robin Duke ]
Robin Duke: It was kinda like — I always referred to it as “The Monkey Hour.”
[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: There was a lot of this, you know.
[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]
Gary Kroeger: It was us against everybody.
[ cut to Gary Kroeger and Brad Hall in “Larry’s Corner”, 11/19/83 ]
Larry Rowlands: Good evening, I’m Larry Rowlands. And welcome to “Larry’s Corner.” Tonight, I’m very pleased to have as my guest, Mr. Dale Butterworth, the luckiest man on Earth. Now, tell me Mr. Butterworth —
Offscreen Voice: Look out!
Larry Rowlands: [ looking around ] What?
Dale Butterworth: [ looks up to the ceiling, panics ] Oh, my God!!
[ suddenly, a safe lands on Dale Butterworth’s head and knocks him to the floor, as Larry surveys the scene with a confused look on his face ]
Margaret Oberman V/O: It’s kind of like at school when the new kids come in. You’re not sure if you like ’em, or you don’t like ’em.
Julia Louis Dreyfus V/O: And by the way, people had been fired, I believe, from the show prior to our coming.
[ cut to Secretary (Christine Ebersole) and aide (Brian Doyle-Murray) leaning toward an unseen President Reagan’s (Joe Piscopo) desk sometime during the 1981 season ]
Secretary: Oh, not again!
President Ronald Reagan: I’m sorry.
Sercretary: Forget it.
[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: So, we were met with some, I should say, animosity.
[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus approaching Mary Gross in the dressing room in “Cat Fight”, 05/05/84 ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: So, Mary — I see you’ve been sucking up to the host again, huh?
Mary Gross: [ looking away from Julia ] What’s that terrible smell? It’s like rotting meat. Somebody must have left an old baloney sandwich in a locker. [ looks up, pretends to notice Julia for the first time since she’s walked in ] Oh, hello, Julia. [ Julia makes a face ]
[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: The work that we were doing with practical theater, it was very ensemble. And it was “all for one,” kind of thing. And that really doesn’t apply. That idea didn’t apply at “SNL.”
[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]
Gary Kroeger: You know, for me to get in the show, I’d have to write my own stuff. Or I’d have to sit on a writer’s couch until I was so annoying that the only way to get me out was to write something for me.
[ cut to Gary Kroeger entering dressing room and sitting by Brad Hall and Julia Louis-Dreyfus in “How To Prove It’s Live”, 02/05/83 ]
Gary Kroeger: You mean, they cut the “Frontier Gynecologist” sketch? Great.
[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: I didn’t know how to get writers to write for me. I didn’t know you had to get writers to write for you. That took me some time to figure out.
[ cut to opening of “The Julia Show”, 02/18/84 ]
Announcer: And now, it’s time for “The Julia Show,” with your host, Julia!
Julia Louis Dreyfus: Hi! Thank you! I’m Julia, and welcome to my show, “The Julia Show.” Okay, so, let’s talk about me. Eddie? Why don’t you start?
[ cut to Julia Louis Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: The way to get ahead on that show was to just really think about yourself only, and to only look out for number one. Like “Survivor.”
[ cut back to “The Julia Show”, 02/18/84 ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: [ stands ] Do you think my hips are getting wide? I don’t. Nobody does! They’re not.
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: There’s no telling, there’s no rhyme or reason why it works with some people. Julia Louis-Dreyfus, people go “Elaine was on the show?”
[ cut to “Saturday Night News with Brad Hall”, 11/19/83 ]
Brad Hall: And now, here with an editorial comment, is correspondent Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Julia?
Julia Louis Dreyfus: Thanks, Brad. Boy, am I mad at the way things are run around here. In dress rehearsal, this speech was four and a half minutes long. Back to you, Brad.
Brad Hall: Thank you, Julia.
[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]
Margaret Oberman: It’s the same for writers. There were writers on that show who were failures and then went on to be phenomenal successes in other areas.
[ cut to Andy Breckman ]
Andy Breckman: It’s so funny, the guy that only got one piece on, that year, at “Saturday Night Live” had became the gold standard for comedy writing.
[ cut to Julia Louis Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: I just love to think of Larry there. Larry was so unhappy. And that’s why I liked him, because we were kind of both unbelievably pissed-off together. You know, little did I know.
[ cut to Johnny Cash’s performance of “Folsom Prison Blues”, 04/17/82 ]
Johnny Cash: [ singing ] “I hear the train a-comin’, it’s rollin’ around the bend And I ain’t seen the sunshine since I don’t know when I’m stuck in Folsom Prison and time keeps dragging on But that train keeps a-rollin’ on down to San Antone.”
[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]
Margaret Oberman: He doesn’t get enough credit. He hired some really good people. And he sort of allowed you to be whoever you were. There were a lot of eccentrics there. How many staffs have somebody like Joe Piscopo working with Terry Southern? You know what I mean? What a combination.
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: Terry Southern ran the most wonderful wet bar out of his office, usually had incredible cocaine. But the sketches that he wrote were [ rolls his fingers next to his head ] “Woo-woo!”
[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]
Margaret Oberman: Over and over again, he’d pitched some sort of a commercial thing that he wanted to do: Lillian Hellman’s mayonnaise. That was his idea of, like, “That’s going to work.”
[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: I don’t know, but it was important to have those guys around. It was smart to have those guys around. Because, for a rookie like myself, coming up, it was great to have a guy like Terry Southern around. To have Herb Sargent around. Not to mention — you see Danny Aykroyd. Then John Belushi started hanging around. Then it was like, “Ooh. Maybe we’re doing something here.”
[ cut to Jim Belushi ]
Jim Belushi: I mean, we all wanted to be like John and Danny and Gilda and Billy. All of us. It just so happened, one of them was my brother.
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: For any of us to go into “Saturday Night Live,” following those first five years — but to go into “Saturday Night Live,” with the name “Belushi,” and having to follow John? Excuse me.
[ cut to Jim Belushi as Donald Ramp in “Profiles in Sports” film, 11/10/84 ]
Announcer: For over half a century, dozens of world grand masters have come out of America’s high school chess clubs. Most of the credit for that belongs to the unsung hero of chess – the high school chess coach.
[ show Chess Coach Donald Ramp yelling at his players during a match ]
Donald Ramp: Pawn to Rook 4! Pawn to Rook 4! Nooooooo!!
[ cut to Jim Belushi ]
Jim Belushi: Some people resent that I wasn’t as good as John. You know? Seriously. And, my answer to that is, who is?
[ cut to James Taylor’s performance of “Lonesome Road”, 01/23/88 ]
James Taylor: [ singing ] “If I had stopped to listen once or twice If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart I’d not be on this road tonight.”
[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: When Eddie left, I really didn’t wanna be around anymore.
[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: With Eddie going, that was it. I mean, I think they just had to put the show up on blocks, and re-invent it. So, some heads had to roll.
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: So I said to Brandon Tartikoff, as the season wound down in May of ’84, that I would really like to blow up the show.
[ cut to Billy Crystal assuming hosting duties for the monologue of the tenth season premiere, 10/06/84 ]
Billy Crystal: I want to welcome you to the tenth season of “Saturday Night Live.”
[ cut to Jim Belushi ]
Jim Belushi: Ebersol basically pulled a Steinbrenner. He went out and bought the best comic talent out there.
[ cut to Billy Crystal entering Home Base for “Billy Crystal’s Monologue”, 10/06/84 ]
Dick Ebersol V/O: Billy Crystal had come back to host the show.
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: I knew in my gut that I really wanted to do the show again. So, when Dick Ebersol said, “Is thery way that you would do this? Is there any way that you — ?” And I said, “Well –” He said, “Well, what if I got Marty Short, Chris Guest, and Harry Shearer? Would you guys all come together?” I said, “Are you kidding? I would do that in a second.”
[ cut to Martin Short ]
Martin Short: Dick Ebersol said, “Here’s who we’re going after: Christopher Guest, Billy Crystal, Harry Shearer.” And I said, “Well, you know, if you get those people, let me know.”
[ cut to filmed excerpt of Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest), David St. Hubbins (Michael McKean) and Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer) from “Spinal Tap Interview”, 05/05/84 ]
Nigel Tufnel: It’s very exciting doing a live show.
David St. Hubbins: It’s a whirlwind of activity.
Nigel Tufnel: We don’t get that many calls. The last one was in ’68.
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: I was 36 years old. And I’d been headlining all over the country, in clubs and stuff. But to me, it wasn’t the career or the life that I really wanted. Hahad the chance to do what I really felt I could do, what I always wanted to do.
[ cut to Harry Connick, Jr.’s performance of “It Had To Be You”, 01/13/90 ]
Harry Connick, Jr.: [ singing ] “It had to be you It had to be you I wandered around and finally found Somebody who could make me be true Could make me be blue Or even be glad just to be sad thinking of you.”
[ cut to Fernando interviewing Mr. T and Hulk Hogan on “Fernando’s Hideaway”, 03/30/85 ]
Mr. T: See, my hands are deadly. I don’t want people touching my
Fernando: Well, there’s a lot of that jerpes going around. You could get that. Now, what is this contraption? What is this?
Mr. T: It used to be a parking meter.
Fernando: Is he marvelous? I tell you, you are so loquacious, it’s — I was asked — I was at a Hollywood party where this was an hors d’oeuvre. You know what I’m saying to you?
[ Mr. T and Hulk Hogan can stand it no longer, and finally crack up at Billy Crystal’s antics as Fernando ]
Fernando: Oh! [ points to Hulk Hogan’s pec muscles ] You know, when you laugh, your little things, they go bumpy, bumpy, bumpy, bumpy, bumpy.
[ Mr. T cracks up again ]
[ cut to Jim Belushi ]
Jim Belushi: It just beefed up the show. I mean, he brought in some home run hitters. And then me, Mary, Gary Kroeger, Julia Louis-Dreyfus — we became the utility players for these stars.
[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: We were second string, is what we were.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’m just standing here kvelling, you know? I mean that, you know? Especially on peschach. I mean, to win money for these cats that you don’t know, well, that’s exciting!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Amen to that, sir. And, Rajeev, who’s a private detective. Do you actually carry a gun?
Rajeev Vindaloo: Well, yes, I do carry a piece, yes. I’m known to wear a disguise, though, too.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, that sounds intriguing! And to my left, the wondrous Captain! Welcome back!
[ cut to Jim Belushi ]
Jim Belushi: One scene that the guys let me in — “The Jackie Rogers, Jr. $100,000 Jackpot Wad.” I was — you know, Chris, Billy, Marty let me in the scene, as Captain Kangaroo. I was like, “Wow!”
Captain Kangaroo: [ as the bell dings ] Okay, this is a funny guy, he wears a red nose and big shoes.
Mindy: A clown!
[ TRAPEZE ARTIST ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay. Uh.. these people work above the crowds, they swing from a bar.
Mindy: Monkeys!
Captain Kangaroo: No. They’re people. They swing from a bar, they use a net, they wear tights..
Mindy: I don’t know..!
Captain Kangaroo: Next one!
[ RINGMASTER ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay, this man introduces all of the acts, he wears red..
Mindy: A clown!
Captain Kangaroo: [ slaps podium ] He introduces the act! “Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages..” Top hat, microphone!
Mindy: I don’t know! I can’t think of anything!
Captain Kangaroo: He INTRODUCES the act!!
Mindy: I don’t know!
Captain Kangaroo: GO ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!
[ LION ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay! It’s the King of the Jungle! It’s like a big cat! A man puts his head inside its mouth!
Mindy: I don’t know!
Captain Kangaroo: [ grabs her by the throat ] IT’S A LION, YOU MORON!! IT’S A LION!! WHAT THE HELL’S THE MATTER WITH YOU??!!
[ buzzer sounds ]
[ cut to Martin Short ]
Martin Short: I had done “SCTV.” Billy Crystal had his own variety show, on NBC. That summer, Harry and Christopher Guest — you could go the movie theater and see “This Is Spinal Tap.” So I think that, to be quite honest, there was not a sense of — [ mimes an excited silent scream ]
[ cut to Martin Short as “Ed Grimley”, 10/06/84 ]
Ed Grimley: I get to meet Pat Sajak! Like, I suppose you could do better than that. No way! Because it seems to me that he would be a pretty decent guy, I must say. What If we became best friends — best friends in the so I would just like, phone his house up, and say, “Is Pat there? Just tell him it’s me!” Sense, now that I think of it. Like, I suppose Pat Sajak doesn’t have, like, over a million friends, probably. But then again, maybe he doesn’t. It’s difficult to say. Oh, this is completely insane!
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: Chris and I, we went to college together. We’d known each other forever. And Marty and Harry and I were already good friends, that had hung out enough to create little things, that we would bring to the show.
[ cut to Martin Short ]
Martin Short: I don’t think we were interested in particularly pandering to make the whole world laugh.
[ cut to Director (Christopher Guest) helping Gerald (Harry Shearer) and Lawrence (Martin Short) with their routine in “Synchronized Swimmers“, 10/06/84 ]
Director: No, you’re not angry at him.
Gerald: No, I’m not.
Director: No, you’re just pointing at him. “Hey, you! I know you!”
[ cut to Martin Short ]
Martin Short: When we would write those pieces together, we would do it to make each other laugh.
[ cut to night watchmen Willie (Billy Crystal) and Frankie (Christopher Guest) stopping for a chat while walking the halls of an office building in “Willie & Frankie“, 11/10/84 ]
Willie: It’s like the other night. I’m in the attic and I got a bunch o’ mousetraps, ya know?
Frankie: Right.
Willie: And, for bait, I used a big piece of, uh–
Frankie: Camembert?
Willie: Right. So, so I set the trap, right? A-a-a-a-and I wanna see if the trap was gonna work, right? So I got the Camembert in there.
Frankie: Right.
Willie: But every time I went to taste the cheese, the thing came down right on my tongue! … I’m tellin’ ya — after forty, fifty times, I – I – I couldn’t even feel the cheese, much less taste it. Ihate when THAT happens, I’ll tell ya that.
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: Chris Guest and I were playing Willie and Frankie, “I hate when that happens.” We’re night watchmen. He’ssupposed to say, “I went home and I got naked.” But instead of saying “I got naked,” he said —
Frankie: Then I strip down to the nude and I just ROLL back and forth across the room, ya know?
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: And I took the shot, and inside I’m going, “You son of a bitch.” Strip down to “the nude.” He made it a thing. Just saying “the” in front of it and it was “strip down to the nude.”
[They head back up the hall, testing doorknobs as they go. Finally, they pause to give each other a friendly pat on the shoulder.]
Frankie: Good night, Willie!
[Grinning, they exchange dismissive waves and exit in opposite directions around the corners at the far end of the hallway.]
Billy Crystal V/O: We could just crack each other up, so badly. We were doing a sketch, where I played a young man who was about to take Julia out.
[ cut to Larry Pacon (Billy Crystal) picking up Sharon Allen (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) for a date and meeting her father Brad (Martin Short) in “Fireside Hypnotism”, 01/12/85 ]
Sharon: I’m going to go upstairs and get ready. I’ll be down, in just a second.
Brad Allen: Well, don’t worry about Larry, I’ll take good care of him.
[ cut to Larry and Brad Allen sitting before a roaring fire ]
Billy Crystal V/O: And Marty’s character made me sit in front of a fire, and he’d hypnotized me, and then asked me what I was going to do with his daughter.
Brad Allen: And then what?
Larry: I’m going to try and have sex stuff with her. [ Brad smacks Larry across the side of his head ] Ow!
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: And I had put on a bald cap, because I was doing five different characters in the first 40 minutes of the show that night. Well, he hits me so hard —
[ cut back to Larry and Brad Allen sitting before a roaring fire in “Fireside Hypnotism”, 01/12/85 ]
[ Brad smacks Larry so hard on the side of his head that Billy Crystal’s wig is knocked askew, much to the audience’s delight ]
Larry: Ow! [ Laughter ]
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: — that the wig gets slightly ajar. Julia comes down the stairs. And she just sort of looks at me. And she just starts laughing.
[ cut back to Larry and Brad Allen standing downstairs as Sharon returns down the stairs in “Fireside Hypnotism”, 01/12/85 ]
Sharon: Can you leave the door unlocked tonight, because I think I’m going to be out really, really late.
Brad Allen: Really late?
Billy Crystal V/O: And Marty looks at me. The audience is going nuts. The camera guys are laughing. I’m the only one who’s not in on it. And Marty walks over and —
[ Martin Short adjust Billy Crystal’s wig. A surprised Crystal laughs along ith Julia Louis-Dreyfus, they comically adjust his sweater for an extra laugh ]
Larry: Sharon will be home at 10:45.
[ cut to Martin Short ]
Martin Short: And that’s when live television is absolutely at its best. You can’t — there’s nothing, there’s no moment that you can ever do on SCTV, like that moment.
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: What the show brings you, is the sense of danger. What the show gives you, is the sense of freedom.
[ cut to Howard Cosell and Billy Crystal as Cosell’s parents in Howard’s Bar Mitzvah, 04/13/85 ]
Morris Cosell: Rose, I love you. I always have, and I always will. Rose — [ kisses Rose’s shoulder ]
Rose Cosell: [ Billy Crystal cracks a smile and ad-libs: ] That’s more tongue that’s on some of the plates.
[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]
Gary Kroeger: When that year was over, I remember thinking, “This is great. There’s gonna be a next year, and now I’ve got some teeth here. I’ve got my footing. I know what I’m doing.” It’s over?
[ cut to Laurie Zaks ]
Laurie Zaks: It ended very abruptly. It was just like, “Well, we’re gonna do it for this one year.” And then, everything stopped.
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: I just loved it. I also felt like, all right, I got one under my belt. Now, I could really do something else. So I was willing to come back. Nobody else wanted to come back.
[ cut to Martin Short ]
Martin Short: I remember on my wife’s birthday, walking home at 4:00 in the morning, and going into an all-night deli and picking up this Sad little cake. I thought, this is — you can do Y year. But this doesn’t seem like a life.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: By that point, it had righted itself. So it was sort of a surprise, when Dick decided that he wanted to leave.
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: Brandon said, “What would it take, to get you to come back and do the show?” And I said, “Well, you’re not gonna like my answer, ’cause there’s only one thing. The show has to be written in a different manner, taped during the week, and air on Saturday night. And it won’t be ‘Saturday Night Live’ anymore. And you’d be crazy to accept those terms. But I basically have to be home, to be with my family.”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
…..Lorne Michaels …..Dick Ebersol …..Danny DeVito …..Jon Lovitz …..Neil Levy …..Kevin Nealon …..Victoria Jackson …..Terry Sweeney …..Nora Dunn …..Tom Davis …..Al Franken …..A. Whitney Brown …..Rob Smigel …..Don Novello
[ title card: “Act 3: ’85-’90” ]
[ cut back to Kevin Nealon in “Automobile Club”, 11/22/86 ]
Kevin Nealon: somehwere I went on the map here. Okay, well,it’s not on this map, but — pretend that’s Idaho. All right, let me help you out a little here. [ folds a corner of the map over ] Okay, there’s Idaho. Okay, here’s what I did. All right, I went up the coast of Idaho — I went up into Washington — I went up through Washington — came down into Oregon — a lot of mountains in Oregon. I went allthrough the mountains — came down into California — California was nice. I think probably the nicest place I went on my whole trip was — Hawaii, which is out here. [ tears a piece of the map off to represent the main island of Hawaii ] Not the main island, but those two little islands that are right off of the main island. [ tears off two little pieces to represent those two islands ] Okay? You got Maui — no, no — Maui, and — Catalina, I think was the other one. I’m not sure — I’m not sure about that. But it was a fun trip.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: Brandon called me and said, “Will you come back?” And I asked some really smart people in show business what they thought I should do. And someone said, “No, you don’t do ‘Saturday Night Live.'” You know? “You’ve already done ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Someone who wants to be you does ‘Saturday Night Live.'” And I thought, “Oh.” And then, I thought, “Right, well, I kind of enjoyed being me.”
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: Six or seven days later, somebody called me up on the telephone and said that Lorne was coming back.
[ cut to Danny DeVito ]
Danny DeVito: One of them has blonde hair, one of them has dark hair — I think one of them is taller than the other. I think one of them is from Canada.
[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: This was 1985, and it was all over the newspapers that Lorne Michaels was coming back to the show after being gone for five years.
[ cut to Neil Levy ]
Neil Levy: Everyone was shocked, and everyone was delighted. People were like — it was like — it was the second coming.
[ cut to Kevin Nealon ]
Kevin Nealon: He was the guy, you know. He was the creator of the show and there with the original cast.
[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]
Victoria Jackson: I always thought of “Saturday Night Live” kind of as a cult. And Lorne is the leader.
[ cut to The Bangles’ performance of “In Your Room”, 12/03/88 ]
The Bangles: [ singing ] “I love it in your room at night You’re the only one who gets through to me In the warm glow of the candlelight Oh, I wonder In your room I’ll do anything you want me to I only want to be with you In your room In your room.”
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: In that first year back, I think I had something to prove, which was that it had more to do with talent than anything else, as I believe it was in the ’70s. And so, I tried to find the people that I thought were the most talented, and I was starting from scratch.
[ cut to Terry Sweeney ]
Terry Sweeney: I was in California, and Lorne was in California looking for talent.
[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: My agent mentioned it to me, and I said, “What are you, crazy? Why don’t I land on Pluto? Why don’t I do that?”
Tommy Flanagan: I’m a member of Pathological Liars Anonymous. In fact.. I’m the president of the organization!
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: John was the, perhaps the most connected to what “Saturday Night Live” had been.
[ cut to Nora Dunn ]
Nora Dunn: I was working brunch — on a Sunday.
[ cut to Tom Davis ]
Tom Davis: Nora Dunn was a waitress in the restaurant below where we were auditioning.
[ cut to Pat Stevens (Nora Dunn) interviewing Louis Farrakhan (Damon Wayans) on “The Pat Stevens Show”, 12/14/85 ]
Pat Stevens: So, Farrakhan, it’s ironic that you’re here today. Because Chaka Khan will be here tomorrow.
[ cut to Terry Sweeney ]
Terry Sweeney: I got just the worst bouquet you ever saw.
[ cut to Maggie the Cat (Jerry Hall) seducing a gay tourist (Terry Sweeney) in “The Limits of the Imagination”, 02/15/86 ]
Gay Tourist: Lady, I’m a florist from San Francisco!
[ cut to Terry Sweeney ]
Terry Sweeney: And I stapled the bill, for what I paid for ’em. And I just said, “Look, If you don’t hire me, I expect to be reimbursed. I’m not made of money. And then, a week later, they hired Dennis Miller. And also, with me — I remember, on the plane from L.A. was Damon Wayans. And they hired him as a featured player.
[ cut to Damon Wayans coming out to do his “Mo’ Money” commentary on “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller”, 11/16/85 ]
[ cut to Al Franken ]
Al Franken: Lorne brought in — Robert Downey, Jr., Anthony Michael Hall —
[ cut to Robert Downey, Jr. and Anthony Michael Hall making farting sound effects on “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller”, 04/12/86 ]
Al Franken V/O: — we had Joan Cusack, and we had Danitra Vance.
[ cut to Cabrini Green (Danitra Vance) being held back by one classmate (Joan Cusack) while yelling at another (Nora Dunn) in “Cabrini Green and Her Mother”, 04/12/86 ]
Cabrini Green: Hold me back!
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: And Randy Quaid, who I just adored.
[ cut to Vald the Impaler (Randy Quaid) speaking with his wife (Joan Cusack) in “The Life of Vlad The Impaler”, 11/16/85 ]
Vlad The Impaler: So, let me ask you something. Now, what if we just impaled people who really deserved it?
Wife: Well, now, how do you determine who deserves it?
Vlad The Impaler: Well, that’s what I said.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: So it was an interesting group that — with lots of different sensibilities — and it was sort of hard to make it ouould sort of see that there was promise there.
Al Franken V/O: Lorne’s instincts were to find new people.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: And I wanted to go younger. I — perhaps went too young, but I think — I wanted to go younger.
[ cut to quiz schoolers on “Jose Cuervo’s Party School Bowl”, 11/16/85 ]
Moderator: George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were both presidents of the United States. For ten points, name a third.
[ cut to Al Franken ]
Al Franken: You couldn’t do a Senate hearing with Anthony Michael Hall, Robert Downey, Jr., Terry Sweeney. [ laughs ] I mean, those guys aren’t senators.
Clint Weston: Angel, I want you to know – I’m not just doing this for the money..
[ a light falls from the set, crashing into the hot tub. Clint freaks out and releases a shrill, effeminate scream ]
Melinda Zoomont: Wait a minute! You’re gay!
Clint Weston: Yes, I’m gay! And now you all know. Art, you can fire me if you like, but I can’t go on living a lie.
Director: Clint, I admire your guts. And I think you should know that.. I’m gay, too.
[ so is everyone else ]
[ cut to Terry Sweeney ]
Terry Sweeney: The guys would go, like, “Hey, If we need a gay guy, we’ll call you.” You know? I’m like, “Hey, couldn’t that guy be gay? The one who hosts the show? I mean, can’t I just be a regular guy?” They’d be like, “Oh, no, you’re the gay guy. If we need — oh, and here’s a dress. Here, put that on and go out there.”
[ cut to A. Whitney Brown ]
A. Whitney Brown: They didn’t have the confidence or the security or the open-mindedness to be able to turn what he had into — into something of our own.
[ cut to Rob Smigel ]
Rob Smigel: You need those core people in the middle who can kind of handle any role, and then everybody else can shine at what they Excel at. And they didn’t really exist that year.
Tom Davis V/O: We just had lumps of this and lumps of that.
[ cut to Don Novello ]
Don Novello: As individuals, you know, they were all terrific. But it didn’t work as a cast. It was hard to write, you know, full cast pieces.
[ cut to A. Whitney Brown ]
A. Whitney Brown: The writers and the Cast were mismatched.
[ cut to Master Thespian yelling at a camel in the jungle, 02/15/86 ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
…..Bernie Brillstein …..Lorne Michaels …..Jon Lovitz …..Kevin Nealon …..A. Whitney Brown …..Dana Carvey …..Nora Dunn …..Victoria Jackson …..Conan O’Brien …..Rob Smigel …..Don Novello …..Andy Breckman …..Margaret Oberman
[ cut to Elvis Costello’s performance of “Let Him Dangle”, 03/25/89 ]
Elvis Costello: [ singing ] “Outside Wandsworth prison there was horror and hate As the hangman shook Bentley’s hand to calculate his weight Let him dangle, let him dangle.”
[ cut to Bernie Brillstein ]
Bernie Brillstein: I called Brandon back.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: Bernie said, “What do you mean? You wait now to cancel it? You had five years to cancel it, and now you’re, you know –“
[ cut to Bernie Brillstein ]
Bernie Brillstein: You can’t cancel it. You’ve got to give Lorne another year. He said, “All right.”
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: I think there’d been a codification of a right way and a wrong way to do “Saturday Night Live,” and I think it had to be blown up.
Madonna: As you may recall, one year ago tonight, I hosted the premiere episode of “Saturday Night Live.” Therefore, NBC has asked me to read the following statement concerning last year’s entire season. [ takes out a piece of paper ] Ready? [ reading ] “It was all a dream. A horrible, horrible dream.” [ audience applauds wildly ]
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: I started to go back to, “Well, I might as well do a show that I’d like to see.”
[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: They said, “We’re gonna bring on new people and we want to bring people that you work well with.”
[ cut to Kevin Nealon ]
Kevin Nealon: That was the magic of the original cast. Laraine and Belushi and Aykroyd. A lot of them knew each other and they just kind of knew how to mesh and there was that synergy that you need on a show like that.
[ cut to A. Whitney Brown ]
A. Whitney Brown: Jon brought Phil.
[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: I knew Phil. I had met Jan before, and I knew Nora and I knew Dennis.
[ cut to Dana Carvey ]
Dana Carvey: I knew A. Whitney Brown. I knew Nora Dunn. I’d known Dennis Miller from the clubs. Still never called me “Dana” in 25 years. [ dons his Dennis Miller voice ] “Carvey.” One of those guys.
[ cut to Dennis Miller and Dennia Miller (Dana Carvey) on “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller”, 12/19/87 ]
Dennis Miller 2: [ mimicking Dennis Miller ] Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Dennis Miller: [ to the audience ] I’m just narcissistic enough to love that.
[ cut to Dana Carvey ]
Dana Carvey: But I didn’t know Jon and Phil. And when they were around each other, they would just do that 40s gangster stuff. [ dons a gangster voice ] “How you doing, fellas. Come here, Hey, what’s the name of the broad?” I thought they were a little, you know.
[ cut to Nora Dunn ]
Nora Dunn: “They hate ya. They don’t like ya.” That character. “They don’t wanna see ya anymore.” And then, Phil would go, “What’s the word on the street?” “They don’t want ya anymore. You’re washed up, you’re through.”
[ cut to Harry the director arguing with washed-up 40s war actor Johnny O’Connor in Johnny O’Connor, 10/18/86 ]
Johnny O’Connor: You mean..?
Harry: Yes. Your contract isn’t being renewed.
Johnny O’Connor: But, Harry, I —
Harry: You’re finished, Johnny!
Johnny O’Connor: Don’t mince words!
Harry: I think you stink!
Johnny O’Connor: Listen, Harry, if you’re unhappy with my work, tell me now!
Harry: You’re through, do you hear me, through! You’ll never work in this town again!
Johnny O’Connor: Don’t leave me hanging by a thread! Let me know how I stand!
Harry: I think you’re the worst actor I’ve ever seen, and I get five hundred letters a day telling me the same!
Johnny O’Connor: What’s the word on the street?
[ Harry appears flabbergasted ]
A. Whitney Brown V/O: And then, Dana recommended Kevin.
[ cut to Dana Carvey ]
Dana Carvey: Lorne wanted one more guy. And I don’t know if it was true or it was my imagination, but.. “Maybe somebody tall?”
[ cut to Kevin Nealon ]
Kevin Nealon: A couple days later, Lorne Michaels offered me the job. I said, “Well, let me think about it over the weekend.” And he goes, “Well, okay, you go ahead and think about it and we’ll see you in New York on Monday.”
[ cut to correspondent Kevin Nealon delivering a report from ten feet away from the news desk on “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller”, ]
Dennis Miller: Kevin, what’s going on? [ Laughter ]
Kevin Nealon: Dennis, I’m standing here, ten feet away from you in the there are a lot of lights and television equipment here, as if a show is being performed. There seems to be a crowd gathered, as if they’ve come to watch something.
Dennis Miller: And what’s the mood over there, Kev?
Kevin Nealon: Well, there seems to be a mood of anticipation, Dennis. The people here seem as if they’re ready to respond to something. Almost like they’re ready to laugh. And yet, there is no laughter.
Kevin Nealon V/O: At the time, I was dating Jan Hooks.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: There are people you just know — Dana was one, and I think Jan was another, you just knew right away that it was gonna work.
[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]
Victoria Jackson: I had never met any of the other cast members before. But I had worked with Jan Hooks and I thought she was brilliant.
[ cut to two women (Jan Hooks, Victoria Jackson) having lunch at a celebrity cafe in “Celebrity Cafe”, 01/28/89 ]
Woman #1: Don’t turn around —
Woman #2: Who is it?
Woman #1: — but at the back table —
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: — in the booth in the back —
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: — it’s Jesus Christ.
Woman #2: No way!
Woman #1: Yes, yes. Go ahead, turn around.
Woman #2: Od.D.
[ cut to reveal Jesus (Phil Hartman) sitting with a group of his prophets ]
[ cut to Dana Carvey ]
Dana Carvey: I remember meeting Don Pardo, the announcer, in the elevator and Jon Lovitz was there and goes, “Do Dana.” And Don Pardo goes, [ in deep Don Pardo voice ] “Da-na Car-vey.” And I just, literally, was nauseous. I wasn’t sure If we were gonna work ’cause we didn’t seem cool, you know.
[ cut to Conan O’Brien ]
Conan O’Brien: For a while at “Saturday Night Live,” you don’t know if you’ve made it. I made it. I remember a few times, Lorne has a joke, every now and then, I’d pass him the hallway and Lorne would say, “Still with the show?”
[ cut to Kevin Nealon ]
Kevin Nealon: I don’t think any of us unpacked our suitcases. And we all had rental places, you know, month by month. It was never, like, a secure job, where you felt like, “Ah, I’m here for as long as I want to be.”
Tommy Flanagan: We were a little worried at first because we had a new cast. [laughter] But everyone loves it! Why, just last–eh, eh… yesterday… we got nominated… for an Aca–an O–a… YEAH. [laughter] And then theres the reviews! Why, theyve all been… ehh… and we have a new CAST!
[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]
Jon Lovitz: After I did the Liar the first time, Lorne said, “why don’t you and A. Whitney Brown write it together?” And I remember during the show, he kept saying, “Do you wanna see my stand-up?” And I go, “I’ll see it later.” I didn’t know who he was, you know. I just think he’s some guy. And I finally said, “All right, let me watch it.” So I watched it and I went, “Oh, well, you’re a genius. Why didn’t you say so?”
[ cut to A. Whitney Brown ]
A. Whitney Brown: Never made my living as a writer before. I’d been a stand-up comic basically. Before that, I was a juggler on the street. Before that, I had a trained dog act in a traveling circus. I’m one of the only writers there who hadn’t been to Harvard.
Jon Lovitz V/O: These Harvard writers, Lorne liked them a lot, that’s who was on the show. A ton of them.
[ cut to Francis Ford Coppola and Terry Sweeney interrupting Danitra Vance in the middle of That Black Girl”, 03/22/86 ]
Terry Sweeney: Writers, get in here!!
[ a trio of white, preppy, pipe-smoking writers enter ]
Francis Ford Coppola: Why aren’t there any black women writers on this show? I mean, do any of you really know the subject of this scene, you know, what it is to be black? To feel black?
[ cut to Dana Carvey ]
Dana Carvey: When I would mispronounce a word in read-through, there’d be a lot of giggles from the Harvard guys. “He doesn’t even know how to pronounce that.”
Lord Edmund: [ yelling out the door ] And I will NOT be mocked!! [ pauses in anger ] The insolence and bold effrontary! [ walks forward, never suspecting that his Servants are imitating his walk in a fit of mockery behind his back ] She was mocking me, was she not?
Servant #1: Oh, yes, your Lordship. [ Servant #2 mocks Lord Edmund behind his back as Servant #1 speaks ] I was crimson with rage and egregious in pertinence of her bald impudence! [ to Servant #2 ] Weren’t you, Thomas?
Servant #2: Oh, yes, yes.. [ Servant #1 mocks Lord Edmund behind his back as Servant #2 speaks ] ..the brazen audacity of her tongue was surpassed only by her derisive hauteur!
Lord Edmund: I thought so.
[ cut to Conan O’Brien ]
Conan O’Brien: Robert Smigel, myself, Greg and Bob Odenkirk, we were, I think, sometimes referred to, with great affection, as “The Nerds.”
[ cut to Rob Smigel ]
Rob Smigel: When I met Conan, I was, like, “Wow, Preppy Preppington,” you know? But he turned out to be a complete freak and a goofball and we really connected that way.
[ cut to Girl Watchers (Tom Hanks, Jon Lovitz striking out on the street in “Girl Watchers A Go Go, 02/20/88 ]
Girl Watcher #1: Good evening. [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] And good night.
Girl Watcher #2: Yow! Not even eye contact.
Girl Watcher #1: The ladies just don’t like me.
Girl Watcher #2: To say the least.
Girl Watcher #1: My face is just too wide.
Girl Watcher #2: Yeah, and my hairline can’t be helping, either.
[ cut to Conan O’Brien ]
Conan O’Brien: I learned everything at “Saturday Night Live.” I I learned how to pace it, how to talk to a director, maybe, to a performer, but also get out of their face when they just have to do their thing.
[ cut to Master Thespian (Jon Lovitz) conferring with his mentor Baudelaire (John Lithgow) in “Master Thespian”, 04/11/87 ]
Master Thespian: Oh, Baudelaire, I’ve been asked to replace Olivier as Hamlet. Any schoolboy knows it is my destiny to play the part as it has never been played before. But how? [ overdramatic ] Ho-o-o-o-owww??
Baudelaire: Rest your mind, protege. You shall play it with the heart of a lion.. the strength of an elephant.. and the soul of a newborn babe. In a word, your Hamlet must be played as — as — [ leaves it hanging ]
Master Thespian: Yes?
Baudelaire: [ throws his arm up ] Baudelaire!
Master Thespian: Genius!
Baudelaire: Thank you! [ swings his arm, knocking Master Thespian back ]
Master Thespian: Ow!
Baudelaire: [ with grave concern ] Have I hurt you?
Master Thespian: Don’t be silly. [ throws his arm up with a flourish ] Acting!
Baudelaire: Brilliant!
[ cut to Don Novello ]
Don Novello: “Saturday Night Live.” The great thing was that you wrote something, and on the Wednesday read-through, it would be there. No one would see it first. And between dress and air, if something’s running long, Lorne would say, “Take out two minutes.” He wouldn’t say, “Take out this, take out that.”
[ cut to A. Whitney Brown ]
A. Whitney Brown: Because the writers were also producing their pieces, for the first time, it was my voice. I had a shot getting something that was uniquely mine on the air.
[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]
Victoria Jackson: I could never get anyone to write for me. I went to Lorne’s office one day and I was like, “Lorne, I can’t get on the show. There was five shows where I had no lines. And I feel really stupid in the Goodnights, bowing when I haven’t done anything.” And he said, [ in a Lorne voice ] “You’re a lot more visible than you think you are.”
[ cut to Victoria Jackson entering restaurant with Harry Hamlin (unknown) to be greeted by Buddy Precisely (Dana Carvey) in “Wait At The Bar”, 12/03/88 ]
Buddy Precisely: Harry Hamlin and Victoria Jackson. Oh, Harry, I love you on “L.A. Law.” You’re a big, sexy star and I love you for it. And pretty, pretty Victoria. Now, where might I’ve seen you lately.
Victoria Jackson: “Saturday Night Live.”
Buddy Precisely: Uh huh. New cast or original cast?
Victoria Jackson: New cast.
Buddy Precisely: Harry, your table is waiting. Victoria, take it outside. Take it outside, take it outside, take it outside!
[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]
Victoria Jackson: Five times in a row. And I’m getting paid lots of money, but I want to earn it, you know. And he said, “Well, did you bring the writers any food?”
[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]
Margaret Oberman: They’d try to take you out to dinner, be nice to you. It would be really goofy, you parent…. And so, it was just silly.
[ cut to Conan O’Brien ]
Conan O’Brien: You know, some people were a… Lovitz would sort of come around sometimes. “Why don’t you write something for me? Come on, write me a sketch.”
[ cut to Dennis Miller being interrupted by Annoying Man (Jon Lovitz) on “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller”, ??/??/?? ]
Dennis Miller: In the Middle East, Lebanon — oh, God. It’s Annoying Man! [ cheers and applause from the audience, as Annoying Man licks Miller’s face ] Get out of here, get out of here. You licked me, you freak! Get out of here!
Annoying Man: [ suddenly dramatic ] You don’t have to scream. [ exits desk area ]
Jon Lovitz V/O: I think the main difference was everybody was their late 20s or early 30s.
[ cut to Nora Dunn ]
Nora Dunn: Those were all people that came out of improvisational comedy. Everybody had their characters that they did so — they brought a lot to it.
[ cut to Kevin Nealon ]
Kevin Nealon: The fact that the show didn’t gel the year before we came on, I think, helped a lot. It took a lot of pressure off of us. There weren’t a lot of people watching the first year I was on. It freed us up a lot, I think.
[ cut to Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) interrupting Doug Llewellen (Kevin Nealon) as he wraps things up on “The People’s Court, 11/08/86 ]
Mephistopheles: [ stares hypnotically at the camera ] You, watching this at home, worship me! I command you! Become my willing thralls and live eternally!
Doug Llewellen: That’s all for this edition of “The People’s Court”.
Mephistopheles: Know the sweet, sublime feeling of complete obediance to your Evil Master! Come serve me, the Prince of Darkness, I command it! Hear me!
Bailiff: Come on, let’s go! Come on!
Mephistopheles: Wait, wait just a second.. Obey me! Obey me! [ laughs evilly ]
[ cut to Conan O’Brien ]
Conan O’Brien: You had this feeling that things were starting to happen. You know, the popcorn is starting to pop in the microwave.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: You could tell that I was feeling good about things ’cause I decided that I would do a show with Dennis Hopper and Roy Orbison, which was — it was the last show of the season, I thought, “Well, these are people I wanted to do a show with.”
[ cut to Roy Orbison’s performance of “Crying” on 05/23/87 ]
Roy Orbison: [ singing ] “I’ll be crying, crying, crying Crying, crying, crying over you-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou!”
[CUT to Studio 8H. The large clock in the foreground reads 12:32 on the right clockface, and 11:33 on the left face.]
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen: Matt Dillon!
[Wearing a black jacket over a dark blue t-shirt, Dillon saunters out to home base over applause as the music winds up.]
Matt Dillon: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much. Thanks, thanks! [waves hands] Listen, I have to say, this is really–it’s been a crazy week for me. Uh, here I am, hosting “Saturday Night Live”… and only six days ago, I was in L.A. at the Academy Awards, and even though, I didn’t, y’know, I didn’t win, just getting nominated is an honor, of course, that is… y’know, ’til you LOSE. [laughter] But in any case, that night was a tremendous thrill for me, since “Crash” won Best Picture.
[riotous cheers and applause]
Matt Dillon: Y’know, I… thank you. I was so proud to be a part of this film, and playing a racist L.A. cop for six months, y’know, really helped me, uh, better understand the issues of race in America today. My only regret is that I… I didn’t get a chance to read my acceptance speech. So… [laughter] I hope you guys, I’d like ta… is that all right, can I do that?
[The audience and bandmembers cheer wildly as Dillon pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of his inner jacket pocket.]
Matt Dillon: Okay. Here goes. [reads off cue cards] Wow, wow, oh wow, wow, that’s… I’d like to thank the Academy. Clooney, you can’t win ’em all! I want to dedicate this to the most talented and diverse cast I’ve ever worked with. Sandra Bullock, Ryan Philippi, uhhhh… oh, Terence Howard, what an actor. I hope you win tonight, Terry. I didn’t get to see the pimp movie… but it’s probably not for me, right? Uh, Ludicrous, you played a great gangster. I know it’s not too much of a stretch. I’m just playin’ with you, brother, just playin’–but he knows what I’m talkin’ about! He knows what I’m talkin’ about. Let’s see, I–I wanna thank, I wanna thank all the Asians in the cast.
[laughter]
Matt Dillon: I’m sorry I kept gettin’ you guys confused. [laughter] But it didn’t matter, because you were all great. Oh, oh–and the Hispanics. They were such an amazing… God, y’know, such an amazing work ethic on those people. Y’know, I was so tired…
[laughter and applause]
Matt Dillon: I was so tired at the end of the day, and to think that they all had to… to run off to jump into the back of one, one pickup truck, and go to their second and third jobs. Unbelievable, you know. Oh, and the Arab family. I know none of you are gonna believe this, but they were so nice. They really were the sweetest people. And so CLEAN, so clean.
[laughter]
Matt Dillon: Uh, who else… Oh! All the gays in the wardrobe department. Snaps to you. Uh, my agent, uh, my manager, the producers. Heck, you know, all the Jews who worked in this production…
[laughter and applause]
Matt Dillon: And of course, I’d like to thank my mom. I come from a big Irish family, and my mother was always able to take the time to put down the potato peeler and her flask of whiskey… [laughter] …and give me and my 16 brothers and sisters all the love and support we needed. I LOVE ya, Ma!!
[cheers and applause]
Matt Dillon: We’ve got a great show for ya tonight, Arctic Monkeys are here, so stick around, we’ll be back.
Voiceover…..Chris Parnell Vincent Price…..Bill Hader Don Knotts…..Darrell Hammond Katherine Hepburn…..Kristen Wiig Rod Serling…..Matt Dillon
[FADE IN on the TV Land Variety Vault logo with the year “1961” in the middle. ’60s go-go horns play in the background.]
Voiceover: You’re watching TV Land After Dark. You’re high right now, aren’t you?
[FADE to a dark, Gothic parlor as spooky organ music plays. Enter Vincent with a raven on his right shoulder. Lightning and thunder abound.]
Vincent: Salutations, soon-to-be-denizens of the underworld. I’m… Vincent Price. Prepare to embark on a journey MOST wicked! Where, you ask, is our ultimate destination? Is it Mammon’s lair, buried deep within the darkest depths of all-consuming hellfire? Or is it… my St. Patrick’s Day Special?
[CUT to a gray background which is slowly superimposed with the show title in horror film lettering. Happy theme music bounces underneath.]
Announcer: [in a jolly voice] It’s Vincent Price’s St. Patrick’s Day Special. Now, please welcome your host, master of the unholy darkness: Vincent Price!
[FADE back to Vincent over applause.]
Vincent: Erin Go Bragh, brave pilgrim. The holiday ritual in which you are set to participate traces its origins to the most mystical of Celtic tribes: the Druids. Each year those dark souls celebrated the feast of Flaggle-Flaggle-Douschen. A human sacrificial celebration honoring the beast god Braggoth. A pre-vernal Baphenal that would shame Baphomet himself. BLOOD POURING OUT OF EVERY–
[doorbell rings]
Vincent: Oh, who could that be?
[Organ music rises as a coffin lid in the right-hand wall opens up to reveal Deputy Barney Fife.]
Barney: Well, hello, Vincent! Top of the morning to you!
Vincent: Well, if it isn’t Deputy Barney Fife! As portrayed by my good friend, Mr. Don Knotts.
Barney: Hello, every–
[applause]
Barney: Yeah, well…
Vincent: Hello, Barney.
Barney: Hello, everyone! Uh, Vincent, we got a call in to the sheriff’s department saying you were having a St. Paddy’s Day special, and I thought–I thought–Vincent, what in thee WORLD?!
Vincent: I… don’t know what you mean.
Barney: Well, look at all this, ghouls, goblins, cobwebs, coffins! Price, you gotta lighten UP!
Vincent: Yes.
Barney: You gotta have some FUN!
Vincent: Yes.
Barney: Here, put on this hat.
[Barney takes a toy bowler hat with a loop attached to the brim and reaches to put it on Vincent’s head.]
Vincent: [leans away] Well, I’m not… really…
Barney: Put it on!
Vincent: Come on, I’m not a hat person, I’m not…
Barney: Oh, come on, come on–ohhhh, YEAH!
[Barney sets the tiny hat atop Vincent’s head and loops the string under his chin.]
Vincent: You’re right.
Barney: Yeah! [exits]
Vincent: [dryly] It’s perfect.
[organ music rises]
Vincent: AND THE UNHOLY BLOOD FEAST CONTINUES! [thunderclap] I’d like to take this opportunity to recite a short but nonetheless horrifying poem I wrote for this very occasion. I will be accompanied in this endeavor by the melodious tones of the Kilkenny Pipers. BOYS?
[Two bagpipers come out and flank Vincent on either side.]
Vincent: Midnight on the shores of Loch Dirge.
[The bagpipers fire up their instruments loudly.]
Vincent: [shouting over bagpipes] Hounds baying at the scent of freshly spilled blood! Corner of the wicked…
[The Pipers go full-throttle into song and completely drown Vincent out. He shouts his poem uselessly for about ten seconds, gesturing low and high, then finally stops and glares at the piper on his left. When he yells at them to stop, Barney reappears in front of them.]
Barney: Nip it in thee BUD!
Vincent: Thank you, Donny!
Barney: Yeah, well… [exits]
Vincent: [tears up poem] Let’s move on, shall we?
[organ music rises]
Vincent: Each holiday has its traditional foods. In the days of yore, the Druid High Priest would consume the still-beating hearts of one thousand virgins. Today, nothing hits the spot like a nice plate of corned beef and cabbage. Here to bring us that very delight, please welcome Miss Katherine Hepburn. Kate?
[The bookcase on the far wall revolves to reveal Katherine lounging against it in a white shirt and gray slacks. She saunters up to the host.]
Katherine: Oh, Vincent, really, you make me laaaaaaugh.
Vincent: [smirks] Oh, do I?
Katherine: Where, may I ask, did you get that most fetching little crooooooww?
Vincent: Oh, this?
Katherine: I can fly a plane, you know.
Vincent: Oh, really?
Katherine: Also, I wear pants like a man would–does that frighten you, Vincent?
Vincent: You actually want responses to these questions?
Katherine: Sometimes I wear my aviator goggles over my sunglasses, did you know thaaat?
Vincent: That’s implied, yes, I meant to talk about that…
Katherine: Is it? My Uncle Covey says it’s no way for a lady to behave, but I say he’s just being an old poop–wouldn’t you agreeeeee?
Vincent: Okay. Okay. Oh, good. Okay. That’s great. Thanks for stopping by, thanks for stopping by. [nudges her toward stage left]
Katherine: [babbling] We used to have an awful crow problem when I was on the farm in Connecticut. I used to ride horses when I was two! [exits]
Vincent: AND EVIL MARCHES ON!! [thunderclap] My next guest hosts a show which brings unspeakable evil and darkness into America’s homes. Fridays on CBS–check your local listings. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Rod Serling.
[Serling appears with his cigarette and takes his place in the foreground. The “Twilight Zone” theme starts up and a spotlight lands on him.]
Serling: A man hosts a poorly conceived St. Patrick’s Day variety special… which seems to be turning into an unmitigated disaster. Is this television special doomed… or have we just set foot… in the Twilight Zone?
Vincent: [leaning over Rod’s shoulder] Yes, “The Twilight Zone.” Yeah. Still waitin’ for the call on that one. Got a hit show about creepy stuff, but you can’t find a role for old Vince Price, eh? Burgess Meredith. Sure. That guy just SCREAMS creepy. But no, not your good buddy Price!
Serling: [over theme] A man doesn’t realize that Burgess Meredith is ten times the actor that he ever was.
Vincent: WOW! WOW! Just like that! On my own show! [steps back] All right, you know, let’s wrap this up.
[horror music starts in]
Vincent: You’ve just witnessed first-hand the ancient evil of the Druids. You now stand powerless, cowering in fear, stripped in your very soul! There’s but one task left before you: HAVE A HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!
[The bagpipers reappear and start back in.]
Vincent: This is why we have rehearsal!
[His words are drowned out once again. SUPERIMPOSE title caption and PAN back as Vincent complains soundlessly under the bagpipe music.]
Announcer: This has been the Vincent Price St. Patrick’s Day Special. Thanks for watching!
Single Woman #1…..Rachel Dratch Single Woman #2…..Kristen Wiig Dr. L.M. Fontaine…..Finesse Mitchell Single Woman #3…..Amy Poehler
[FADE IN on a woman in a red sweater against a stark white background.] Woman #1: I hated the singles bars. And speed-dating? It was exhausting and frustrating.
[CUT to another woman with red hair.]
Woman #2: I was so tired of the dating scene. I was beginning to think there just wasn’t a man out there for me.
[FADE to Dr. Fontaine in a dark gray suit.]
Dr. Fontaine: I’m Dr. L.M. Fontaine. And I’m here to tell you that there IS somebody for you. I’ve developed a revolutionary NEW dating service that introduces deserving women to an untapped sea of eligible bachelors. Meet the man of your dreams at prisonmate.net.
[FADE to “prisonmate.net” logo as the words slam together like prison doors. The “o” in “prison” is represented by a heart-shaped padlock. “Everlasting Love” starts playing in the background. FADE to Dr. Fontaine against a shot of women talking to prisoners through windows.]
Dr. Fontaine: Prison mates are available, MOSTLY reformed, and are ready for a loving, fulfilling relationship! You’ll never have to worry about commitment issues again. These guys ain’t going nowhere.
Announcer: [over slamming words logo] prisonmate.net!
[FADE to first woman sitting at a row of prison phones.]
Woman #1: The conjugal visits make me feel like the only woman in the world. Who knew the love of my life was just a collect call away?
[When she picks up the phone, PAN through the glass to a balding, scruffy inmate who leers hungrily at her.]
Woman #1: Hi, honey!
Announcer: [over slamming words logo] prisonmate.net!
Dr. Fontaine: The only thing in the world they have to do is lift weights! And think about you REAL hard.
Woman #3: My soulmate is a cellmate.
[ZOOM in past her on an inmate in a straitjacket with a green plastic mask covering his face. He stares wild-eyed at her and groans like a maniac.]
Announcer: [over slamming words logo] prisonmate.net!
All Three Women: [in unison] Thank you, prisonmate.met!
