SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found: 11/13/05

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Automobile Club: 11/22/86

Kevin Nealon: And how about these mile scales, on the bottom? Have you ever tried to figure those out? They’re so inaccurate, because you have to do it with your fingers, you know? Because you don’t have a protractor in the car! So you get your fingers out, and you get 50, 60, 70 — by the time you get it up here, it’s like 7,000 miles! From your hotel to the supermarket. Maybe — maybe If you did it real fast. You know, 50, 60, 70. [ moves his fingers across the map very quickly ] And maybe, they oughta just draw a little thumb and finger down there, like there, like that.

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Change of Heart”: 02/19/83

Tom Petty: [ singing ]“Oh yeah, oh boy
Looks like we finally reached a turning point
Oh me, oh my
Looks like it’s time for me to kiss you goodbye
Yeah, I can kiss you goodbye
There’s been a change
Girl, there’s been a change of heart.”

Dick Ebersol: After spending the long weekend in New York, watching the show secretly, it was worse than I thought it would be.

Gail Matthius: We got taken off the air. And everybody said, “Go away, go away for a month. We’ve gotta figure some things out.”

Gilbert Gottfried: Then, when you come back, we’ll tell you how we’ll be tweaking things. Doing it a little different.
Writer’s Script: 03/07/81

Author: “He chose his wife.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife – gun shot ]

Author: “She screamed –“

[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]

Author: “– and fell to the couch.”

[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]

Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale – gun shot ]

Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He, uh — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]

Author: No, no, that’s no good. “He, uh — he, uh — falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window – glass shatters ]

Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]

Gail Matthius: And then we came back.

Joe Piscopo: And we heard, “Who’s coming in? We don’t know. Is Lorne coming back? What’s going on?” It was great. It was — it was turmoil!
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Al Franken: Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone who knows what he’s doing? Someone like me, Al Franken? [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] No, they picked Dick Ebersol.

Dick Ebersol: There was no chance whatsoever for resurrecting anything resembling “Saturday Night Live”, unless it had Lorne’s approval.

Lorne Michaels: Dick called me and asked if we could have dinner. And, uh, he said that Brandon had talked to him. We sat and we talked, and he said that he thought he wanted to do it. And how would I feel about it? And I said, “My first reaction would be that it would be all right.”

Barry Blaustein V/O: He got Lorne’s blessing, which opened up all the old stars —
Vomitng For Good Luck: 10/31/81
Father Guido Sarducci’s Monologue: 01/14/84
Big Star Eddie Murphy: 01/22/83

Lily Tomlin: “Live from New York, it’s “The Lily Tomlin Show!” [ Eddie Murphy’s arm tugs her back into the hall ]
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Chevy Chase: [ talking into the phone ] I think just a firm and gentle tug on the string, and it — [ looks at the camera, quickly hangs up ]

Barry Blaustein V/O: — and all the old writers. Suddenly, Marilyn Miller was in the office, and Alan Zweibel — all happy to, you know, help out. So it was brilliant. If Jean had done that, it would have changed history.
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Al Franken: I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn’t know dick. [ laughter and applause ] Okay. Now, the show is going to be.. a little better. No English-speaking person could do a worse job than Jean.

Barry Blaustein: Dick Ebersol came in, we did one show. But then, there was a writers’ strike.

Dick Ebersol: That was the profound miracle of that first period. Because it was very important to me that the show stop, so that it could re-tool and get new people.

Joe Piscopo: Cut to 17th floor. Bang — everybody getting axed.

Gail Matthius: We had individual meetings with Dick Ebersol. We went in one at a time.

Gilbert Gottfried: You know, it’s always like — “This is always worse for me than it is for you. This hurts me so much more. I’ll have a job. I’ll be making money. You won’t. But it hurts me more.”
Bruce Hornsby & The Range perform “The Way It Is”: 01/31/87

Bruce Hornsby: [ singing ]“Standing in line marking time waiting for the welfare dime
‘Cause they can’t buy a job
Man in the silk suit hurries by
As he catches the poor old lady’s eyes
Just for fun he says, “get a job.”

That’s just the way it is
Some things never change
That’s just the way it is
That’s just the way it is.”

Barry Blaustein V/O: There was a total housecleaning. Dick came in, and he fired everyone — except David, myself, Pam Norris, Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo.

Bob Tischler: It was a way of basically making the show our own, rather than just inheriting Jean’s staff.

Joe Piscopo: And they bring Eddie and I before Mr. Ebersol. And Dick says, “I think we’re gonna keep you guys around.”

Tim Kazurinsky: Dick sent Joe and Eddie to Chicago, thinking, “They need some training.” So they both slept on my floor, and we went to do the shows at Second City.

Joe Piscopo: And we came back with some of the Second City guys. And that’s when we started to move.
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SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kevin Spacey: 05/20/06: Legends of History

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 18

05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado

Legends of History

Host…..Darrell Hammond
Vassal…..Fred Armisen
Lord Sarc…..Kevin Spacey
Baroness von Wilkie…..Chris Parnell

[FADE IN on the History Channel logo and the caption, “LEGENDS of HISTORY.” FADE to the host sitting in an elegant study.]

Host: The Middle Ages were a time of stagnation for the arts and culture. But in twelfth-century England, one man changed the art of conversation forever. The man who invented sarcasm, Philip Sarc, was the first man to say the opposite of what he meant, to emphasize a point. [laughter] Tonight we look at the life of Sarc, and the dawn of Sarcism [sic].

[DISSOLVE to an engraving of Kevin Spacey smiling from beneath a medieval hat. “Philip Sarc and the Dawn of Sarcasm” is caption underneath. FADE to Lord Sarc sitting at a table in his manor and surrounded by his vassals as horn fanfare plays and then fades into soft medieval woodwind music.]

Vassal: [bringing him a wooden bowl] Lord Sarc, for tonight’s meal, the cooks have prepared a sheep’s blood pottage.

Lord Sarc: Well, well, well, sheep’s blood pottage! Was goat testicle pie not available?

Vassal: [earnestly] I don’t believe so, my lord.

Lord Sarc: Oh, I notice you have your thumb in my soup. Any chance you could dip all five fingers in there?

Vassal: Of course!

[He obediently sticks his fingers in the soup.]

Vassal: I’m glad you like the meal, my lord.

Lord Sarc: LIKE it? I wish I could have this every day for the rest of my life.

Vassal: Really? Then it shall be done!

Thomas: [in a dramatic voice] Let it be known, that it is decreed by his Lordship, that sheep’s blood pottage will be served henceforth each day for as long as he shall live!

[Lord Sarc slumps and covers his eyes with his hand during the proclamation. When it is finished, he irritably pops Thomas in the chest. DISSOLVE to a sketch of a medieval lord and his vassals.]

Host: Unfortunately, Lord Sarc’s comments were taken literally, creating much confusion. This continued in matters of love.

[FADE back to the manor.]

Vassal: [leading a woman into the room] Presenting Baroness von Wilkie.

Baroness von Wilkie: [curtsies] An honor, your liege.

Lord Sarc: [leans wearily on his hand] Wow, YOU’RE a vision. I can’t decide what I like more: your pasty skin or chinless face.

Baroness von Wilkie: Why, thank you. [giggles girlishly]

Vassal: Shall we arrange a formal courtship?

Lord Sarc: You know what, here’s a better idea. Why don’t you go out and find me the biggest, smelliest, fattest pig you can find, put it in a dress, and I’ll marry THAT!

Vassal: It shall be done.

[Lord Sarc drops his head and starts beating it against the table.]

Thomas: Go out and fetch the fairest swine in the land, clothe her in the finest linens, and bring her here at once! His Lordship is to be married! HUZZAH!!

Vassal: Huzzah!

Lord Sarc: [raises his head] Oh, and… if it’s not too much trouble, do you think we could make this roof leak a little MORE?

Vassal: Why, yes, yes. we could.

Lord Sarc: That’s wonderful! Here’s an idea: maybe in the next house I have, maybe you can all go out, and you can just throw together a collection of random stone blocks in the middle of nowhere, and I’ll live there! You think you can handle THAT?!

Vassal: At once, my Lord.

[DISSOLVE to a photo of Stonehenge.]

Host: And so, Stonehenge was built: the first sarcastic structure in the world.

[FADE to another medieval drawing of a lord in a chair.]

Host: By 1119, Lord Sarc’s comments had run their course.

[FADE back to the manor.]

Thomas: And so it is decreed, that I shall walk around with my head FIRMLY up my ass, from this day forth, until I know it better–

Lord Sarc: [loses it] Okay, don’t you GET IT? Do NONE of you morons understand what I’m doing?! LOOK: I don’t really mean ANY of the things I’m SAYING!

Vassal: [dumbfounded] So I’m not the smartest man you’ve ever met?

Lord Sarc: No, you are not the smartest man I ever met–I’m saying the OPPOSITE of what I mean for EMPHASIS! For example, Thomas, when I say, “I love your lute playing,” what I really mean is I’d rather hear the pained mating cries of a jackass!

Thomas: [hurt] Ohhhhhhhh. That’s bad.

Lord Sarc: [mocking him] Nooooooo, it’s terrible, pal! And when I tell all of you what a joy it is to be in your company, what I really mean is that you all completely disgust me! Do you mouth-breathing idiots UNDERSTAND?!!

Others: [in unison] OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… [raise their index fingers]

[FADE to a drawing of a man tied to a stake and being set on fire.]

Host: Philip Sarc was immediately burned at the stake.

[FADE back to the host.]

Host: But his legacy lives on today in the sarcastic comments of millions around the world. Join us next week when we look at the life of Roger Prat: inventor of the pratfall. Good night.

[DISSOLVE back to the History Channel logo. FADE to black over applause.] [ fade ]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts