SNL Transcripts: Zach Braff: 05/19/07: Melissa the Receptionist

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 20

06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

Melissa the Receptionist

…..Zach Braff
Melissa…..Fred Armisen
Brian Grazer…..Bill Hader
Sandra…..Maya Rudolph

Melissa: [on the phone] Brian Grazer’s office. Oh, hey, are you stopping at a Pink Berry? Okay, get me a medium plain with blueberries. Okay, bye! [hangs up] [Zach and Sandra walk in]

Sandra: [talking to Zach] And if they put you on the cover of Esquire, we’re half way there.

Zach Braff: Yeah, that would be awesome.

Sandra: [talks to Melissa] Hi, we have a one o’clock with with Brian. Zach Braff is here to talk about his next film.

Melissa: Oh, okay! Um, I’m Brian’s assistant, Melissa, and he’s gonna be a minute, so you could just grab a seat. Um, do you want a water?

Zach Braff: Uh, sure, I’ll have one, thank you.

Melissa: Okay. Uh, do you want a water?

Sandra: As well, yes.

Zach Braff: I have a feeling Mr. Grazer is gonna love this idea.

Sandra: [scoffs] Are you kidding me? Fish out of water guy meeting a bunch of weirdos? Its incredible!

[Zach laughs and Sandra joins laughing, while Melissa walks over to them from her desk]

Melissa: [with two waters in her hands] Uh, here you go. Could you help me open the bottle, too?

Zach Braff: Okay, sure.

Melissa: You’re so strong, with your hands. I like that you’re humble about that.

[Melissa walks back to her desk]

Melissa: Hey, um, Zach?

Zach Braff: Uh, yes, Melissa?

Melissa: Um, I think you’re a genius!

Zach Braff: Well, thank you, that’s very nice of you.

Melissa: Yeah, you’re very down to Earth, unlike Hank Aseria!

Sandra: Um, how much longer do you think Brian’s going to be?

Melissa: Oh, it will just be a couple of minutes. Me and Brian are like best friends! I like him cuz he’s the only one around here who’s normal!

Sandra: Well, we have a meeting in Culver City, so?

Melissa: Okay, do you want a water?

Sandra: I haven’t finished this one, yet.

Zach Braff: Okay, yeah. By the way, did you get any word on me being in Spider Man 3?

Sandra: Um, I’m pretty sure that’s been out for like 2 weeks already.

Zach Braff: So, you’re not even going to call?

Sandra: No, I’ll make the call!

Melissa: Hey, Zach.

Zach Braff: Yeah?

Melissa: Look what I found online

[turns the computer around to see that there is a picture of Zach in a jungle outfit]

Zach Braff: Wow…

Melissa: [giggling] You’re dirty.

Zach Braff: Uh, that’s not me, though.

Melissa: I know. I made it, I knew you were coming.

Sandra: I’m just gonna call Brian’s cell.

Melissa: Hey, Zach!

Zach Braff: Yeah?

Melissa: What animal is this? [puts her hands up in the air making claws as her facial expression goes carnivorous]

Zach Braff: I, uh, I don’t know, is it a cat?

Melissa: No! It’s a mountain lion! You do one!

Sandra: Melissa! Zach and I need some catch up talk, so do you mind?

Melissa: Grouchy.

Zach Braff: Should we just go, maybe?

Sandra: Yeah…

Melissa: Hey, Zach.

Zach Braff: Yeah?

Melissa: Can I tell you a secret?

Zach Braff: Sure, go ahead.

Melissa: Do you ever think about having sex with me?

[door opens and Brian comes out]

Brian Grazer: Zach! Sandra! Melissa, why didn’t you tell me they were here?

Melissa: Oh, hi, Brian! Do you want a water?

Brian Grazer: Uh, [holds up his water bottle his is already drinking] no! Come on guys. Sorry about that.

Zach Braff: Go ahead, guys, just give me one second.

Brian Grazer: Alright.

[Brian and Sandra go back through the door, and it is just Zach and Melissa. Melissa stands up right next to Zach by the side of her desk]

Zach Braff: You know, uh, Melissa, there is something that I want. And it’s not a water.

Melissa: Do you want a vitamin water?

Zach Braff: No, I want you.

[Zach and Melissa start making out as they fall on the desk. Music starts up, and the screen goes into a pink heart surrounding Zach and Melissa making out] [dissolves]

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Zach Braff: 05/19/07: Zach Braff’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 20

06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

Zach Braff’s Monologue

Announcer…..Don Pardo
…..Zach Braff
…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Andy Samberg

Don Pardo: Ladies and Gentlemen… Zach Braff!

(Audience applauds while peppy music ends)

Zach Braff: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. I just want to take a moment here: I cannot believe it, I am so incredibly honored to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live.


This has been a dream of mine ever since I was a little kid. I would stay up past my bed time to watch SNL in the days of the Church Lady and Toonces, the cat who could drive. Now I know when most people come out here they talk about how much they love New York, right? New York gets a lot of attention. I love New York. I grew up right across the river actually in a little state known as New Jersey. You may have seen my movie, Garden State, which was my love letter to New Jersey. I think it’s a place that’s so often overlooked in my opinion. Its my state I’m very proud of it. I just want to share those feelings to you.

(Piano starts and Zach sings to the tune of Billy Joel’s “New York State of Mind”)

“Some folks like to get away, take a holiday from the neighborhood.
Hop a flight to Miami beach or to Hollywood.
But I’m taking New Jersey transit, the Morris/Essex line.
I’m in a New Jersey state of mind.”

Thank you very much.

(Piano continues as he breaks out of singing)

Here are some facts you may not know about the greatest state in the world. Of all the governors of all the states, our governor drives the fastest. 91 miles per hour. That’s the governor of New Jersey. Two thirds of the nation’s eggplants are grown in New Jersey, but you never once hear us brag about it. Why? We’re just not like that in New Jersey.

New Jersey has the 4th highest Italian-American population of any state, yet, HBO chose to set their series the Sopranos there. Why? It just felt right in New Jersey. For these and many other reasons, even though I live in California, my heart will always be in New Jersey.

(A new song starts up, Zach goes back into song, and Amy, Andy, Maya, and Kenan come out dressed as different landmarks of New Jersey.)

They say the Neon lights are bright on Route 17 in Paramus.


Zach Braff: They say that you can see the mall from there.


(Song stops)

Maya Rudolph: Um, Zach.

Zach Braff: Yes, Maya?

Maya Rudolph: We’re happy to do this but we don’t know what we’re supposed to be.

Zach Braff: What are you supposed to be?!?! Maya, you’re the Prudential Building, the best building in downtown Newark. Amy, you represent the Newark Airport. And Kenan you’re the Continental Airlines Arena where the Mets play! You guys are the most beloved landmarks in New Jersey!

Andy Samberg: And why am I a sandwhich? Not that I mind!

Zach Braff: Andy, you’re my favorite landmark of all. The Campus Sub Shop in South Orange, New Jersey.

Andy Samberg: Oh, cool, we got to go!

(Andy, Amy, Maya, and Kenan leave the stage and Zach breaks back into song)

Zach Braff: Take a bus to Secaucus, shop some Allen malls, use your EZ pass. Great views of Lady Liberty, if you prefer her ass. She’s actually in New Jersey. I’m taking the Holland Tunnel to the place where oil’s refined. I’m gonna break it down. I’m in a Neeeeeeewwwwwwwww Jersey a state of Miiiiiinnnnndddd!!!! Minnnnndddddd!!!! Miiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnd!!! We’ve got a great show, Maroon 5 is here! Stick around! We’ll be right back! Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnd!!!

(dissolves to commercial)

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin, Kevin M. Pitts.

SNL Transcripts