Zach Braff: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. I just want to take a moment here: I cannot believe it, I am so incredibly honored to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live.
This has been a dream of mine ever since I was a little kid. I would stay up past my bed time to watch SNL in the days of the Church Lady and Toonces, the cat who could drive. Now I know when most people come out here they talk about how much they love New York, right? New York gets a lot of attention. I love New York. I grew up right across the river actually in a little state known as New Jersey. You may have seen my movie, Garden State, which was my love letter to New Jersey. I think it’s a place that’s so often overlooked in my opinion. Its my state I’m very proud of it. I just want to share those feelings to you.
(Piano starts and Zach sings to the tune of Billy Joel’s “New York State of Mind”)
“Some folks like to get away, take a holiday from the neighborhood. Hop a flight to Miami beach or to Hollywood. But I’m taking New Jersey transit, the Morris/Essex line. I’m in a New Jersey state of mind.”
Thank you very much.
(Piano continues as he breaks out of singing)
Here are some facts you may not know about the greatest state in the world. Of all the governors of all the states, our governor drives the fastest. 91 miles per hour. That’s the governor of New Jersey. Two thirds of the nation’s eggplants are grown in New Jersey, but you never once hear us brag about it. Why? We’re just not like that in New Jersey.
New Jersey has the 4th highest Italian-American population of any state, yet, HBO chose to set their series the Sopranos there. Why? It just felt right in New Jersey. For these and many other reasons, even though I live in California, my heart will always be in New Jersey.
(A new song starts up, Zach goes back into song, and Amy, Andy, Maya, and Kenan come out dressed as different landmarks of New Jersey.)
They say the Neon lights are bright on Route 17 in Paramus.
Zach Braff: They say that you can see the mall from there.
All: PARAMUS PARK MALL!
Maya Rudolph: Um, Zach.
Zach Braff: Yes, Maya?
Maya Rudolph: We’re happy to do this but we don’t know what we’re supposed to be.
Zach Braff: What are you supposed to be?!?! Maya, you’re the Prudential Building, the best building in downtown Newark. Amy, you represent the Newark Airport. And Kenan you’re the Continental Airlines Arena where the Mets play! You guys are the most beloved landmarks in New Jersey!
Andy Samberg: And why am I a sandwhich? Not that I mind!
Zach Braff: Andy, you’re my favorite landmark of all. The Campus Sub Shop in South Orange, New Jersey.
Andy Samberg: Oh, cool, we got to go!
(Andy, Amy, Maya, and Kenan leave the stage and Zach breaks back into song)
Zach Braff: Take a bus to Secaucus, shop some Allen malls, use your EZ pass. Great views of Lady Liberty, if you prefer her ass. She’s actually in New Jersey. I’m taking the Holland Tunnel to the place where oil’s refined. I’m gonna break it down. I’m in a Neeeeeeewwwwwwwww Jersey a state of Miiiiiinnnnndddd!!!! Minnnnndddddd!!!! Miiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnd!!! We’ve got a great show, Maroon 5 is here! Stick around! We’ll be right back! Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnd!!!
[ dissolve to interior, classroom, prom committee meeting, students Beth “B.J.” Jacobs and Lauren “B.J.” Carlton addressing their classmates. Both girls speak in a weird drawl. ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Welcome to what I hope will be our final prom committee meeting. I’m Beth “B.J.” Jacobs — and, before you get any ideas, my name is Beth Jacobs, and that’s why I’m called B.J.
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: And I’m Lauren “B.J.” Carlton. [ chews on her pencil eraser and offers no follow-up explanation ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Guys, if it was up to us, none of you would be here, and Lauren and I would have picked the prom theme WEEKS ago! But, apparently, we at least have to hear your stupid ideas before we decide.
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Which we totaly didn’t wanna do!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: I think I made that clear, B.J.
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Sorry, B.J.
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: By the way, our prom theme should absolutely be James Bond! It’s 2007! Double-0-7! God! Okay, first up, with our WORST suggestion, is Billy Zerillo.
[ Billy Zerillo, dressed in Mets uniform, stands ]
Billy Zerillo: Alright. So.. I LOVE the Mets! But every time I suggest a Mets-themed prom, you guys look at me like I’m CRAZY!! Well, here I go — final effort: [ pleadingly ] let’s do a Mets prom! Blue and orange streamers, hot dogs! My uncle knows Mookie Wilson — he cam come! Therefore, my theme is: “Remember the Night We Mets?” [ the room is silent ] Thank you.
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: We’re not even gonna say anything. We’re just gonna let you know what we think of your idea with our expressions: [ both girls give an open-mouthed empty stare with tongues hanging ]
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Good expression, B.J.
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Thanks, B.J.
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Next up, our valedictorian, Lyle Cane.
[ Lyle Cane, shy and mildly retarded, stands ]
Hi there, I’m Lyle Cane. Many of you don’t know me, as I’ve just recently start speaking at school. But I assure you I’m a pretty great guy. My mom will vouch for that. As for our prom theme, how about: “Getting to Know Lyle Cane”? You’ll find I am a super-genius who is allergic to all kinds of wheat. Thank you. I’m Lyle Cane. Mother? [ sits ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Great idea, Lyle.
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Good sarcasm, B.J.
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Thanks, B.J.! [ the low-five one another ]
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Next up, is Brian Bernstein.
[ Brian Bernstein, wearing oversized headphones, stands ]
Brian Bernstein: Looking out at all of you, I think, “Wow! What a generation we are!” And, then, I think, you know, I love James Bond, but what is THE movie of our generation? What is THE film that most spoke to our alienation in the infinite abyss that is our young lives?
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Ugghhhh!!! Are you gonna talk about “Garden State” again?
Brian Bernstein: Why shouldn’t we talk about “Garden State”? “Garden State” talked about us, right? Think about it — we could play the entire Grammy-winning soundtrack!
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: [ stunned ] That won a Grammy? It was, like, a pitchfork mix CD.
Brian Bernstein: I happen to know those songs were very carefully chosen.
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Okay, Brian, we’re moving on!
Brian Bernstein: Well, I don’t care what you guys say! That soundtrack changed my life. [ places his oversized headphones over his ears, sits and languishes the soundtrack within him ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Joining us now, are those two guys that smell like concerts — Scootch and Mando.
[ Scootch and Mando, a pair of stoners, stand ]
Skootch: [ with an echo ] Hello, hello!
Mando: Is there anybody in there?
Skootch: Just nod if you can hear me!
Together: Is there anyone at ho-o-o-o-ommme??!!
Mando: Pink Floyd – The Wall theme!
Skootch: From nine p.m. until 420!
Mando: O-pen your bra-ains!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Okay, guys? Thanks to my SAT Vocab pPrep courses, I have the perfect word to describe that idea: Yuck!
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Ha! Good one, B.J.
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Thanks, B.J.
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Next up, Beatrice Mitchell and her boyfriend, Stanley.
[ Beatrice Mitchell and Stanley, a pair of uptight virgins, stand ]
Beatrice Mitchell: Hi there.
Beatrice Mitchell: Our suggested theme is: “Worth The Wait.” A theme that could draw attention to what has been a very important issue to Stanley and I.
Stanley: As you know, Beatrice and I are believers in saving intimacy.. until.. after Prom.
Beatrice Mitchell: Marriage. Til after marriage.
Stanley: My mistake. Sorry.
Beatrice Mitchell: Stop making that mistake! Because you keep making that mistake, and it’s making me uncomfortable!
Stanley: I’m sorry. I love you, and waiting.. only makes.. that love.. stronger.
Beatrice Mitchell: That’s so sweet! [ pats his back ]
Stanley: [ becomes immediately aroused by her slight touch ] I’m sorry..
Beatrice Mitchell: Stanley!
[ she runs out of the room, as Stanley slowly and painfully follows ]
B.J. & B.J.: God! Gro-oss! Disgusting! [ a beat ] Next up, is Lomax!
[ Lomax, dressed in some sort of weird wizard’s garb, stands ]
Lomax: Hello! And thank you for your ironic support, ladies! I am here to say that I am uninterested in your prom, but would like to extend an invite to the Virtual Prom I will be holding on the shores of the River Asitoo! If you like mythical beasts and the realm of fantasy, it’s the prom for you! And, don’t worry — no Orks allowed! [ winks and grins ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Hey! Why don’t you and Lyle have a two-man weirdo prom together?
Lomax: Oh! Splendid idea! Lyle, can I interest you in a Virtual Prom?
Lyle Cane: No way! I want to go to a real Prom, and get lay for real.
Lomax: I wish you luck in your endevour. [ takes his seat ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Okay, so to recap —
Mando: Hey! We didn’t get to go!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: [ stares at them, open-mouthed ] Yes, you did.
Skootch: [ stares back open-mouthed ] Okay! [ smiles ]
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Okay. Your choices are: The Mets —
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Ugh!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Meet Lyle Cane —
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Eugh!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Napoleon Dynamite —
Brian Bernstein: It’s “Garden State”!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: What-ev-er! Pink Floyd —
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Lame!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Abstinence —
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Eugh!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Virtual Prom —
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Yuk!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: And, of course, James Bond!
Lauren “B.J.” Carlton: Ow!
Beth “B.J.” Jacobs: Now, expecting that it will be an eight-way tie again, we’ve decided to let Principal McDougal be the tie-breaking voice.
[ Principal McDougal casually saunters into the classroom. Because he’s in favor of the James Bond-themed prom, he is dressed as modern-day Sean Connery ]
Principal McDougal: Well, well, well! Quite the conundrum. So many marvelous themes to choose from. I’ve talked at length to all of you, but I believe the two B.J.s were the most convincing. Therefore, I’m proud to anounce that our Prom theme will be “Shaken.. and Stirred.”
Owner: So this is the place. It’s, uh, pretty much how I described it on Craig’s List. The sublet would be for like 3 or 4 months.
Renter: Cool. It looks great.
Owner: Thanks. Oh, obviously the furniture would stay, ’cause I’ll be back, um….
[Owner cell phone rings]
Owner: I gotta grab this. Would you mind having a seat? I’ll be right back out.
Renter: Oh, sure.
Owner: Cool. [into phone while walking into other room] Hello?
[Renter sits down on couch and a dog. Rufus, comes into the room]
Renter: Hey, Buddy.
Dog: Hey there.
[Renter looks around for another person]
Dog: Don’t look around, it was me. The dog.
Renter: You can talk!
Dog: Yeah, I can talk; and I’ve got something to say.
Dog: I love you!
Renter: Wha- This is crazy. You don’t even know me.
Dog: Well, let’s change that.
[Renter and dog exchange flirty glances before the dog walks over to the couch and lean up to kiss renter. Before they kiss, the Owner walks back into the room]
Owner: Sorry about that-
Renter: [almost caught in the act] What?
Owner: Were you about to kiss my dog?
Renter: No, I-, I just-, had to cough.
Owner: Oh, okay. I’m sorry. Uh, where were we… rent, which includes utilities, that’s awesome- [cell phone rings again] I gotta get this again, I’m sorry. I’ll be right back. [into phone while leaving room] Hello?
Dog: That was close.
Renter: This is wrong. I can’t do this.
Dog: Of course you can. Cigarette? [dog hands renter a cigarette and holds up a match lighting the cigarette]
Dog: Quick, go to the fridge and get me a plate full of ham.
Renter: Okay. [starts to get up] Wait a minute. Has this whole thing just been about you tricking me into getting you ham? [dog stares back without answering] HAS IT?
Renter: You used me!
[Owner re-enters room, knowing now that something has been going on]
Owner: Okay, what is going on here?
Renter: [sadly] Nothing.
Owner: Oh, no. Did my dog seduce you and try to get you to give him some ham?
Renter: Your dog is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Owner: Damnit, Rufus! Bad dog! Bad dog! [dog sits down in middle of room]
Renter: I’m leaving.
Dog: Wait! Did this start about me wanting some ham? Yes. Did it turn into something else? You bet it did. So you can walk out that door or we can give this a shot. Owner, you’re a good man, but I can’t fight love.
Owner: Then go to him. [after a beat] Come on, boy! Go to him. Go to him!
[while Moment Like This by Kelly Clarkson plays in the background, the dog goes over in slow motion to the renter and start making out as The End flashes onto the screen]
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.
Lt. General Douglas Lute, the Pentagon’s director of operations, was chosen to oversee the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan as a war czar. Lute was chosen after being the last one in the room yelling “Not It!”
The average national price of a gallon hit an all time record high of three dollars and fifteen cents this week. Meaning that where ever you’re going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car.
As part of a new immigration reform bill, illegal immigrants would get immediate legal status by paying a fee of 5,000 dollars. So, it looks like that jet ski will have to wait until next year, Horhey.
Seth Meyers: During a concert of the Virginia Symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, president Bush briefly took over the orchestra, which explains why the orchestra is now 4 trillion dollars in debt.
The New York Police Department is deploying 10 segway scooters this week to patrol on pathways and parks in an effort to increase murder.
Amy Poehler: [murmurs] Clapping for murder. Well summer’s just around the corner and that means this year’s biggest movies are on the way. Here with her take on some of these films, is my Aunt Linda.
[Aunt Linda scoots out on a rolling chair]
Aunt Linda: [looking at a person off stage] I can push myself! And leave my purse where I can see it! [turns head forward]
Amy Poehler: Okay, hi, aunt Linda. Welcome back.
Aunt Linda: Hello, Amy. Hello, Seth.
Seth Meyers: Hi aunt Linda, you actually sound like you’re in a good mood.
Aunt Linda: Well, its spring so I’m happy. Isn’t that obvious? [rolls her eyes]
Amy Poehler: Okay, well, I heard there were a lot of good movies coming out.
Aunt Linda: You whaaaat? Well, I guess if you like sequels.For instance, another Pirates of the Caribbean?!? Well, I’ll see this one with two eye patches on. I’ll give this one a “Thar she blows”! And guess how many oceans they’ve made now!
Amy Poehler: Wait, what?
Aunt Linda: Oceans Thirteen! Did the first 12 do that well? Well, if they’re anything like the last 2, I give this one 13 “ghaas” and a “puhhhleez”. And of course, the highly anticipated Rush Hour 3. [rolls eyes]
Amy Poehler: Oh, yeah, that’s the one with Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan.
Aunt Linda: Yes, Amy, the infamous ethnic comedy duo have teamed up again. Well just from trailer, I give this movie a review that both its stars should appreciate: An “Oh no you didn’t” and a “De jong”.
Amy Poehler: De jong? What does that mean?
Aunt Linda: It’s Chinese for “oh brother”.
Amy Poehler: This has been uplifting, thank you so much, aunt Linda!
Aunt Linda: Yes, [looks back stage again] hand me my purse! [scoots away]
Amy Poehler: Aunt Linda, everybody!
Seth Meyers: For the second consecutive year, Miami has been named the city with the worst road rage. They hope to solve this next year with more cocaine and louder salsa music.
Amy Poehler: A new bird called the Gorgorded puffleg which is a blue and green throated humming bird was discovered in a cloud forest in Columbia… though still nothing on Bin Ladin.
Hundreds of girls stood in a line, Monday, in Manhattan, to audition for a role in the upcoming American Girl movie, which stars Abigail Breslin and nobody who stood in a line.
Seth Meyers: Fire Fighters in Alaska were called in to lift a 7,500 pound elephant that had laid down and refused to get up, because if there is one thing fire fighters know about, it’s elephants.
Amy Poehler: Sesame Workshop, the creators of Sesame Street, are in talks with Northern Ireland to bring the show up there. Producers have already made a new character for the show, called “Drink You Under the Table Elmo” [murmurs] I look forward to that.
NBC announced Monday, it will once again renew its long running drama series, Law & Order, which as near as I can tell, is about a kindly old grand-father who teaches cynicism to a series of super-models.
Seth Meyers: [looking the opposite direction of Amy] Oh oh, oh oh!
Amy Poehler: [whispers] What?!
Seth Meyers: [still looking the opposite direction of Amy] Sam Waterson is standing right behind you.
Amy Poehler: What? No! Damn it! No!
Sam Waterson: How dare you, Amy? How can you defend that joke? It’s out of order! And I object! Testimony! 9-1-1! [Law & Order noise sounds as Sam Waterson walks away]
Seth Meyers: Porn star, Janet Jamison, this week, endorsed Hillary Clinton, for three hot hours.
Amy Poehler: Candy Spelling, Tori Spelling’s mother, posted a letter to Paris Hilton on the internet, warning her to change her ways, and that she is not as truly entitled as her money implies. Ahhh white wine! Helping old ladies embarrass them selves for centuries!
ABC this week, announced to launch a sitcom, based on the cavemen characters from the well-known Geico commercials. Not to be out done, NBC is introducing their new drama, 1-800-mattress.
Seth Meyers: Indiana’s Putnamville correctional facility has created a program where in-mates care for retired race horses at a prison farm, and this just in, the prisoners have escaped on the race horses.
A judge has ruled that a German sex shop must pay over 67,000 dollars each for using their names on vibrators with out permission. Good news for Auto Van Dildo.
Amy Poehler: A new study reveals that?
Whitney Houston: [off stage] Ohhhhhh!
Amy Poehler: Oh oh who is this?
Seth Meyers: Oh boy.
Whitney Houston: [walking on stage] Ohhhhh!
Amy Poehler: Oh, look everyone, it’s famous singer and recording artist, Whitney Houston!
Whitney Houston: Ohh, thank you!
Amy Poehler: Oh, what a surprise!
Whitney Houston: Oh oh oh! Amy Poehler everybody, can I get a what-what?! Alright!
Amy Poehler: Mrs. Houston, now who let you in, and what brings you by the Update desk?
Whitney Houston: I don’t know! I just wanted to stop by and wish my old pals a very happy summer time!
Amy Poehler: Okay, so what are you doing for the summer, Mrs. Houston?
Whitney Houston: Funny, you should ask, Ms. Meyers! First, I am going to lay by the pool, Seth Meyers, and drink down lots of peanut cool lalas! I am not however, going to drink a bottle of bandasolay just because it smells like bananas! [takes her glasses off] Bobby Brown dared me to do it! I’m going to get you Bobby B!
Amy Poehler: Yeah, we heard that he was suing you actually.
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Whitney Houston: Oh, you did?
Amy Poehler: Yeah
Seth Meyers: Yeah
Whitney Houston: Ha ha ha! I am laughing but this is not funny! Your door bell is going to ring, Bobby B! And your going to open your door to find a burning bag of doggy doody! And you’re gonna stomp it out! Alright! [starts dancing backwards]
Amy Poehler: Okay. Wow! She’s going all the way back! Mrs. Houston, you brought us something, what did you bring us?
Whitney Houston: Oh I did! Some baked goods! A family secret recipe, for summertime! It’s brownies! [stands up, and walks in the middle of Seth and Amy] But don’t eat them until after the show!
Seth Meyers: Why? Are they pot brownies?
Whitney Houston: No! They’re cocaine brownies! Momma has already had 16 of them! [starts dancing again]
Amy Poehler: Wow there she goes again! Whitney Houston, everybody!
[Whitney Houston walks off stage]
Seth Meyers: From Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!
[Whitney Houston runs back on stage and climbs on Seth, and Amy follows, as Weekend Update fades]
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon Ryan Seacrest…..Bill Hader Paula Abdul…..Amy Poehler Melinda Doolittle…..Maya Rudolph Simon Cowell…..Jason Sudeikis Randy Jackson…..Kenan Thompson
[American Idol theme song comes on as you see the 3-D opening. The screen then goes to Melinda standing on the stage with Ryan standing right next to her]
Ryan Seacrest: Alright! I’m Ryan Seacrest! We’re back to find out who’s journey, is coming to an end tonight. Melinda, America has voted. Tonight, you are going home…
[Melinda looks down at her feet disappointed]
Ryan Seacrest: And by home, I just mean the hotel…
[Melinda looks up all surprised and excited]
Ryan Seacrest: So you can pack up your bags…
[Melinda looks down at her feet once again]
Ryan Seacrest: If you are chosen to leave…
[Melinda looks up all surprised again]
Ryan Seacrest: Which will be tonight…
[Melinda looks down AGAIN]
Ryan Seacrest: Or next week!
[By now, Melinda is just confused]
Ryan Seacrest: Or tonight. But right now I tell you that it is over! Or not over! Or is. Melinda! You… Are… Safe! [gives a thumbs up] Not safe! [thumbs down] Saaaaaaaafe [thumb goes up slowly] Agghhhh! [Thumb goes down quick] Ehhhhhhhhh… [thumb goes up slowly] ehhhhhhhhh… [thumb goes down slowly, then goes up and down over and over again] Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! You’re out… But safe!
[Melinda runs happily off the stage]
Ryan Seacrest: So let’s go to Jordan Blake, and see who is going
[Mary Katherine Gallagher runs on the stage, while the audience screams out in applaud]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher! [reaches out to shake his hand] Mary Katherine Gallagher! [Ryan is looking off stage trying to find security]
Ryan Seacrest: I’m sure you are excited to be here, but you need stay in your seat!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I just want to say that even though I was cut on those pulmonary auditions, I just want to say that I really still feel that I deserve a chance to compete in America’s greatest talent competition.
Ryan Seacrest: Sorry, you only get one chance, you really need to get off the stage.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I just I just [goes in a very soft voice to complete her sentence] Ryan, please. Before I’m forcibly removed I would just like to congratulate Randy on his gastric bypass and substitute weight loss slash partial regain.
[Randy’s face is confused by her saying partial regain]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: And I would also like to tell Paula that I do believe she’s never been drunk, and it’s just naturally drowsy.
[Paula, who looks intoxicated, blows her a kiss]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: And Simon, the way you verbally assault people, scares me in a very very sexy way that fills me with shame!
Simon Cowell: Young lady, what in bloody hell are you doing with your hands?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I get nervous, I put my fingers under my arms, and smell them like this.
Simon Cowell: Ms. Gallagher, I admit you’re quite unique, but other then inhaling your own feminine musk, what else do you do?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: What else do I do? I do… [runs and jumps] gymnastics! [runs and jumps again] gymnastics! [mumbles to herself]
Simon Cowell: This is a singing competition, young lady. So, say goodbye, it’s time to say goodbye.
[Ryan is getting ready to carry her off the stage, but Mary stops him]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: My feelings would best be described in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie, Shooting Stars, which is a Jackson 5 story, starring Lawrence Hilton Jacob III, from Welcome Back Cotter, as Jo Jackson, their driven, yet, abusive, daddy dreamer.
Ryan Seacrest: Mary, you have to leave the stage immediately, after you do this monologue… If I let you do it… which I will.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Boys, [a little piano ballad is going on in the background] you got to clean out your ears and listen to your daddy Jo! You want to be stars? You’ve got to sacrifice! You don’t need no school, Tito! You don’t need to girlfriend, Jermaine! Marlon, Jackie, you got to want this the way a junkie wants to junk! Stop crying, Michael, you big baby! One more peep out of any of you and I will get my belt and I will knock the gleam out of your afros! I don’t give a diddly damn if it’s four in the morning, we are going to rehearse that robo style, again and again and again!
[Ryan goes up to her trying to stop her]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Get out of here, Tito!
[Mary pushes ryan right into the back drop behind them and he rips through it]
Randy Jackson: Yo, yo, yo! Mary, enough! Now, I know Joe Jackson, personally, and that movie was way off base! He was a much bigger bastard to those kids in real life!
Paula Abdul: [slurring strongly] Mary, I just want to say, your performance, and your outfit, and lady power, and, oh, it’s amazing… [turns her chair towards the audience]
Simon Cowell: [sarcastic tone] Well said Paula. I too find you absolutely horrible! The only thing less appealing then your looks, is your talent. So you might as well leave, there is absolutely nothing else you can do to make me believe you’re special in any way.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I can do something… [breaks out into song and starts singing, Brass In Pocket, by The Pretenders]
“Gonna use my arms, I’m gonna use my legs, I’m gonna use my style, I’m gonna use my sidestep, Gonna use my fingers, Gonna use my, my, my, imagination!”
[turns around, bends down, and pulls up her skirt, then runs offstage to the judge table]
“’cause I gonna make you see [Steps behind Randy, and massages his shoulders for a second]there’s nobody else here no one like me [runs to Paula, and rubs her head]I’m special, so special [Goes to Simon, and picks him up by his neck collar]I Gotta have some of your attention, give it to me!”
[Throws Simon on the judge table, which collapses, and she steps over him. Breaks out of song]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [kneels down and throws her arms in the air] Superstar! Live, from New York, It’s Saturday Night!
Vinny Vedecci….Bill Hader …..Zach Braff Show’s Director….Fred Armisen Assistant….Will Forte
Announcer: [speaks Italian] …La Rivista dellaTelevisione e con Vinny Vedecci.
[Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson,Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in hiswhite suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket overhis shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posingwith a lit cigarrette and winks at the camera]
Vinny Vedecci V/O: Ragazze, regazze a tempo de ver LaRivista della Televisione con mio Vinny Vedecci!!
[Vinny is sitting at a table smoking and having agreat time. An ashtray is in front of him overflowingwith smoking cigarrettes.]
Vinny Vedecci: Hey!, bisioso!, bisioso! he, he, he,Vinny Vedecci con sipio he, he, he. Eta notte conocerolo ranto della cinema americano conocendo arabande”The Ex” comparto “Scrubs” conderasantes, Zach Braff!!
[TV star Zach Braff enters, shakes hands with Vinny,sits down with him.]
Zach Braff: Thank you, thank you. Very excited to be here.
Vinny Vedecci: Zach Braff, hey,hey. Zach Braff.
Zach Braff: Yes.
Vinny Vedecci: Ay, sito comparto eh, american cinema[more rapid italian dialect] compuso “Garden State” e”Scrub” eh, della televisione, diso compartes?
[Zach is lost]
Zach Braff: I’m sorry. I, I, I don’t speak Italian.
Vinny Vedecci: Eh?
Zach Braff: I don’t speak Italian. I was told there be some english, I…
[Vinny looks mad. He complains loudly in Italian tohis show’s director and assistant. The show’s directorand his assistant are both eating spaguettis besidesthe camera. The director with his earpiece looks madtoo, his assistant eats like nothing is happenning]
Show’s Director: Vincenzo, per favore!!![more loudItalian arguing, throws his fork with pasta into hisplate. Vinny is Italian mad] ….toccino, eh?
Vinny Vedecci: Toccino? Ha!, ha!, ha! Toccino! he!,he! he! [His director laughs with Vinny, their littleinside joke] Brrrr!! Toccino! He, he, he. Zach Braff.
Zach Braff: Oh, yes! Actually, Manhattan MurderMystery was my very first movie.
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, carasere, misteriando, carasere”Columbo”, eh? Peter Falk, eh?
Zach Braff: No,no,no. Peter Falk is not in that movie.
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, “Columbo”, “Columbo”, oh, “Columbo”e impressione, impressione, “Columbo”[A perfectimpression of Peter Falk’s “Columbo”] “One more thinglittle lady, if you never been to Mexico before thenwhat’s that sombrero doing in the backseat of your car!”
[Applause, Vinny smiles big]
Zach Braff: That’s great. That’s really great. It hasabsolutely nothing to do with Manhattan Murder Mysterybut it’s a very good impression.
Zach Braff: Clip, I understand! Yes, I brought a clip.
Vinny Vedecci: Clip, clip on “Scrub”!
Zach Braff: Yes, sir.
[Cut to a clip of the series “Scrubs”. Zach’scharacter talks to the black chick and the blond chickof the show in a deep,grave dubbed italian voice. Thegirls are dubbed in Italian too. The music is dramaticin tone. A monkey wearing a busboy outfit runs around,they all speak in deep, desperate dubbed Italianvoices. Monkey bangs hand into the glass window, scenefreezes. Clip ends devoid of color and with a sting of dramatic music]
[Returns to studio. Zach looks confused]
Vinny Vedecci: Oooh!, molto dramatico! Si, serabandes!
[Show’s Director is crying in his spaguetti. Assistant cries but keeps eating]
Show’s Director: Cosa triste es “Scrubs”!
Zach Braff: I’m sorry, is “Scrubs” a drama in this country?
Vinny Vedecci: No drama. Number one drama!!
Zach Braff: No, I’m sorry but “Scrubs” is a comedy.
Vinny Vedecci: Comedy? Eh, not that funny.
Zach Braff: Is there a translator here? Maybe someone I can talk to?
[From under the table 2 crude puppets appear. Italian tarantella plays.]
Summary“Saturday Night Live” returned for its thirty-second season at the heels of a $10 million budget cut, not to mention the dual announcement that not only would no new cast members be hired, but three others would be relieved of their performance duties.
Head writer Tina Fey and long-time cast member Rachel Dratch departed “SNL” to star in the prime-time series “30 Rock”, which poked fun at the behind-the-scenes humor of an “SNL”-like sketch comedy show.
After much speculation by viewers, cast members Horatio Sanz and Finesse Mitchell were finally let go, as was Chris Parnell for the second time this century.
Seth Meyers moved up the ranks to be become the new head writer (with Paula Pell and Andrew Steele as his co-horts) and Amy Poehler’s co-anchor on “Weekend Update.”
April…..Molly Shannon Casey…..Maya Rudolph MacGruber…..Will Forte
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! Making life-saving inventions out of household materials! MacGruber! He has a drink or two each night, but it doesn’t affect his job! MacGruber! The guy’s a social drinker!
[CUT to MacGruber chugging a bottle against footage of flames.]
[CUT to grassed hut along a riverbank. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “P.O.W. Prison Camp.” CUT to a sign marked “Prison Control Room” as sirens wail.]
April: [struggling with locked door] Damn! This door is locked from the outside!
Casey: As soon as that liquid hydrogen’s released, this baby’s gonna blow sky-high!
April: What’s the plan, Macgruber?
MacGruber: [leaning back casually with a shot glass in his hands] I wanna kiss you on the mouth.
Casey: [ looking at her watch ] TEN seconds!
April: What do we do, Macgruber!
MacGruber: Okay, okay, quickly. [ puts his shot glass down ] April, hand me that guitar. [ April reaches for a guitar ] Give me the guitar, give me the guitar! [ April hands him the guitar ] Come on. Okay, check this out: [ plays the guitar and sings ] “Macgruber. I’ve got ten inches of lovin’, and I want to give it to ya’ –“
April: [ incredulous ] Are you drunk?
MacGruber: [ still singing ] “Macgruber. Okay, maybe it’s not ten, but it’s certainly seven –“
April: Come on, man! Do something!
MacGruber: [ still singing ] “Macgruber. Okay, it’s more like five, maybe four. Macgruuuuuber –“