Category: 2006

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 19

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

Goodnights

…..Molly Shannon

Molly Shannon: Thank you so much to Linkin Park! To Lorne Michaels! Marci Klein! And this wonderful cast! Happy Mother’s Day!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 19

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

American Idol

Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
Ryan Seacrest…..Bill Hader
Paula Abdul…..Amy Poehler
Melinda Doolittle…..Maya Rudolph
Simon Cowell…..Jason Sudeikis
Randy Jackson…..Kenan Thompson

[American Idol theme song comes on as you see the 3-D opening. The screen then goes to Melinda standing on the stage with Ryan standing right next to her]

Ryan Seacrest: Alright! I’m Ryan Seacrest! We’re back to find out who’s journey, is coming to an end tonight. Melinda, America has voted. Tonight, you are going home…

[Melinda looks down at her feet disappointed]

Ryan Seacrest: And by home, I just mean the hotel…

[Melinda looks up all surprised and excited]

Ryan Seacrest: So you can pack up your bags…

[Melinda looks down at her feet once again]

Ryan Seacrest: If you are chosen to leave…

[Melinda looks up all surprised again]

Ryan Seacrest: Which will be tonight…

[Melinda looks down AGAIN]

Ryan Seacrest: Or next week!

[By now, Melinda is just confused]

Ryan Seacrest: Or tonight. But right now I tell you that it is over! Or not over! Or is. Melinda! You… Are… Safe! [gives a thumbs up] Not safe! [thumbs down] Saaaaaaaafe [thumb goes up slowly] Agghhhh! [Thumb goes down quick] Ehhhhhhhhh… [thumb goes up slowly] ehhhhhhhhh… [thumb goes down slowly, then goes up and down over and over again] Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! You’re out… But safe!

[Melinda runs happily off the stage]

Ryan Seacrest: So let’s go to Jordan Blake, and see who is going—

[Mary Katherine Gallagher runs on the stage, while the audience screams out in applaud]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher! [reaches out to shake his hand] Mary Katherine Gallagher! [Ryan is looking off stage trying to find security]

Ryan Seacrest: I’m sure you are excited to be here, but you need stay in your seat!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I just want to say that even though I was cut on those pulmonary auditions, I just want to say that I really still feel that I deserve a chance to compete in America’s greatest talent competition.

Ryan Seacrest: Sorry, you only get one chance, you really need to get off the stage.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I just— I just— [goes in a very soft voice to complete her sentence] Ryan, please. Before I’m forcibly removed I would just like to congratulate Randy on his gastric bypass and substitute weight loss slash partial regain.

[Randy’s face is confused by her saying partial regain]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: And I would also like to tell Paula that I do believe she’s never been drunk, and it’s just naturally drowsy.

[Paula, who looks intoxicated, blows her a kiss]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: And Simon, the way you verbally assault people, scares me in a very very sexy way that fills me with shame!

Simon Cowell: Young lady, what in bloody hell are you doing with your hands?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I get nervous, I put my fingers under my arms, and smell them like this.

Simon Cowell: Ms. Gallagher, I admit you’re quite unique, but other then inhaling your own feminine musk, what else do you do?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: What else do I do? I do… [runs and jumps] gymnastics! [runs and jumps again] gymnastics! [mumbles to herself]

Simon Cowell: This is a singing competition, young lady. So, say goodbye, it’s time to say goodbye.

[Ryan is getting ready to carry her off the stage, but Mary stops him]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: My feelings would best be described in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie, Shooting Stars, which is a Jackson 5 story, starring Lawrence Hilton Jacob III, from Welcome Back Cotter, as Jo Jackson, their driven, yet, abusive, daddy dreamer.

Ryan Seacrest: Mary, you have to leave the stage immediately, after you do this monologue… If I let you do it… which I will.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Boys, [a little piano ballad is going on in the background] you got to clean out your ears and listen to your daddy Jo! You want to be stars? You’ve got to sacrifice! You don’t need no school, Tito! You don’t need to girlfriend, Jermaine! Marlon, Jackie, you got to want this the way a junkie wants to junk! Stop crying, Michael, you big baby! One more peep out of any of you and I will get my belt and I will knock the gleam out of your afros! I don’t give a diddly damn if it’s four in the morning, we are going to rehearse that robo style, again and again and again!

[Ryan goes up to her trying to stop her]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Get out of here, Tito!

[Mary pushes ryan right into the back drop behind them and he rips through it]

Randy Jackson: Yo, yo, yo! Mary, enough! Now, I know Joe Jackson, personally, and that movie was way off base! He was a much bigger bastard to those kids in real life!

Paula Abdul: [slurring strongly] Mary, I just want to say, your performance, and your outfit, and lady power, and, oh, it’s amazing… [turns her chair towards the audience]

Simon Cowell: [sarcastic tone] Well said Paula. I too find you absolutely horrible! The only thing less appealing then your looks, is your talent. So you might as well leave, there is absolutely nothing else you can do to make me believe you’re special in any way.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I can do something… [breaks out into song and starts singing, Brass In Pocket, by The Pretenders]

“Gonna use my arms,
I’m gonna use my legs,
I’m gonna use my style,
I’m gonna use my sidestep,
Gonna use my fingers,
Gonna use my, my, my, imagination!”

[turns around, bends down, and pulls up her skirt, then runs offstage to the judge table]

“’cause I gonna make you see
[Steps behind Randy, and massages his shoulders for a second]
there’s nobody else here
no one like me
[runs to Paula, and rubs her head]
I’m special, so special
[Goes to Simon, and picks him up by his neck collar]
I Gotta have some of your attention, give it to me!”

[Throws Simon on the judge table, which collapses, and she steps over him. Breaks out of song]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [kneels down and throws her arms in the air] Superstar! Live, from New York, It’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 19

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

MacGruber

April…..Molly Shannon
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
MacGruber…..Will Forte

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
He’s 15 years sober!

[CUT to MacGruber in a thumbs-up pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an arch-shaped bridge along a series of rolling hills. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Boobytrapped Bridge.” CUT to a sign marked “Bridge Control Room” as sirens wail.]

April: [struggling with locked door] Holy smokes, Macgruber! There’s no way out!

Casey: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — that dirty bomb’s gonna detonate in 15 seconds!

MacGruber: [intensely] Alright, everyone keep it together! Okay, if we’re gonna get out of here — and we ARE gonna get out of here — we need to focus up!

Casey: [ looking at her watch ] TEN seconds!

April: What do we do, Macgruber!

MacGruber: Casey! Hand me that beaker!

Casey: You got it, Macgruber!

MacGruber: April! I need exactly FOUR ounces of tomato juice!

April: On the way, Macgruber!

MacGruber: Casey! Hand me that celery!

Casey: Celery! Check!

MacGruber: [ frantic ] Okay! Has anybody seen any tobasco sauce?

April: Uh — [ looking around the room, then crinkles her nose suspiciously ] Macgruber, are you making a drink?

[MacGruber sips a homemade Bloody Mary]

MacGruber: What’s up?

[CUT to the bridge exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 19

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

MacGruber II

April…..Molly Shannon
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
MacGruber…..Will Forte

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
He has a drink or two each night, but it doesn’t affect his job!
MacGruber!
The guy’s a social drinker!

[CUT to MacGruber chugging a bottle against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to grassed hut along a riverbank. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “P.O.W. Prison Camp.” CUT to a sign marked “Prison Control Room” as sirens wail.]

April: [struggling with locked door] Damn! This door is locked from the outside!

Casey: As soon as that liquid hydrogen’s released, this baby’s gonna blow sky-high!

April: What’s the plan, Macgruber?

MacGruber: [leaning back casually with a shot glass in his hands] I wanna kiss you on the mouth.

April: What?!

Casey: [ looking at her watch ] TEN seconds!

April: What do we do, Macgruber!

MacGruber: Okay, okay, quickly. [ puts his shot glass down ] April, hand me that guitar. [ April reaches for a guitar ] Give me the guitar, give me the guitar! [ April hands him the guitar ] Come on. Okay, check this out: [ plays the guitar and sings ] “Macgruber. I’ve got ten inches of lovin’, and I want to give it to ya’ –“

April: [ incredulous ] Are you drunk?

MacGruber: [ still singing ] “Macgruber. Okay, maybe it’s not ten, but it’s certainly seven –“

April: Come on, man! Do something!

MacGruber: [ still singing ] “Macgruber. Okay, it’s more like five, maybe four. Macgruuuuuber –“

[CUT to the prison camp exploding into flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 19

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

MacGruber III

April…..Molly Shannon
MacGruber…..Will Forte

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of divorce forms and hookers approaching motor vehicles.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
He’s recently divorced, and he’s filing for bankruptcy!
MacGruber!
Unprotected sex with hookers is a nightly occurrence!
MacGruber!
The dude’s a raging alcoholic!

[CUT to a disheveled MacGruber walking drunk in front of footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to drug lord headquarters in the jungle. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Drug Lord Headquarters.” CUT to a sign marked “Drug Lord Control Room” as sirens wail.]

[ Macgruber is stretched topless across the floor while mucnhing on a hamburger ]

April: You wanna get up, Macgruber?

MacGruber: [ slurred ] Where’s Casey?

April: She quit.

MacGruber: Well, then, I quit!

April: You can’t quit! You have to diffuse the bomb! Do you remember the bomb?

[ camera pans next to MacGruber to reveal the C4 bomb ]

MacGruber: What bomb?

April: The bomb you made when you were drunk!

MacGruber: [ extended silence ] What time..?

April: I don’t know.. I’m gonna get out of here, I’m quitting, too.

MacGruber: Well, okay.. [ continues to munch on the pieces of his hamburger ]

[CUT to the drug lord headquarters exploding into flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 19

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

Molly Shannon’s Monologue

…..Molly Shannon
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Molly Shannon!

[ audience cheers with excitement ]

Molly Shannon: Thank you!! I just wanna say — I just wanna — I just wanna say that it’s a special night, because I was a cast member here for six AMAZING years, but tonight I get to be the HOST!! [ audience cheers ] And my life has changed SO much since I was on the show — I got married, I have two kids now, and I — [ audience cheers again ] And I have a movie out that I’m really proud of, called “Year of the Dog.” [ audience cheers some more ] But right now, in a way, standing here on this stage, it feels like I never left. I have so many memories of this place: staying up all night until the sun came up, writing sketches, and all the parties we have every week after the show, and, of course, all the SEX! Ohhhhh, my God, there was a lot of SEX when I was here! In the dressing rooms, by the make-up area — [ points ] There was sex over there! Up there! [ points behind her ] In that! [ squats to the floorboards ] Under there! Oh, my God! And, actually — [ points into the audience ] right where you’re sitting, Sir! Oh my gosh, it was crazy. Yeah, I wish I’d participated in it.

Actually, during the 90’s, when I was here, I had a huge crush on someone. You know, those type of crushes you get on your college professor? I mean, I remember it like it was yesterday..

[ scene dissolves into the past, Lorne Michaels’ office, as a desktop boombox blasts Lou Bega’s “Mambo #5” ]

[ Molly Shannon enters the office ]

Molly Shannon: You wanted to see me, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, Molly. Have a seat.

Molly Shannon: [ sits ] Oh, my God. This music is all that and a bag of chips. What is it?

Lorne Michaels: It’s called “Mambo #5”, by Lou Bega. It’s destined to become a classic.

Molly Shannon: Ooh.

Lorne Michaels: [ fidgets with the buttons on the boombox ] Why do they have to make these new compact-disc players so complicated?

Molly Shannon: [ chuckles out loud ]

Lorne Michaels: [ picks up a miniature tape record, Norm MacDonald-style ] Idea: create a device where you can store ALL your music, possibly computerized, pod-shaped.

Molly Shannon: [ sips a Zima ] You’re, like, old school smart, Lorne. [ shuts her eyelids to reveal a heart shape on one, and a “U” on the other ]

Lorne Michaels: Molly, you have to put a stop to this.

Molly Shannon: I agree, Lorne! We don’t have to be on the down-low about this! I don’t care what people are saying!

Lorne Michaels: Why? What are they saying?

Molly Shannon: They’re saying that you’re a playa, that you just want to get jiggy with me. You’ve got —

Lorne Michaels: Nanny on the brain?

Molly Shannon: Yeah. And when I hear that stuff, I’m all, “Lorne Michaels is super phat, with a P-H. I mean, you’re off da heazy in love. [ holds up her hand ] So, talk to the Hand!

Lorne Michaels: Molly, I hear what you’re sayin,g and I think my feelings can be expressed in this song by TLC: [ presses a button on the obombox, as “Waterfalls” begins to play ]

Molly Shannon: [ confused ] What are you saying, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: I’m saying, “Don’t go chasing waterfalls,” Molly. In this analogy, I am the waterfall.

[ Molly drops her head on Lorne’s desk and cries, as he casually sips a Zima ]

Molly Shannon: You’re the waterfall?

Lorne Michaels: Are you okay?

Molly Shannon: [ sarcastically ] Yeah, I’m just AWESOMWE! [ stands ] NOT!! [ exits Lorne’s office ]

Lorne Michaels: [ dials from an oversized 90’s cordless phone ] Yeah. Uh, did Lou Bega call?

[ dissolve back to Molly Shannon at Home Base, present day ]

Molly Shannon: Ugh. I got my heart broken that day. But, in retrospect, it was for the best. Otherwise, I would never have hooked up with Don Pardo. [ smiles and waves ] Nice to see you again, Don!

Don Pardo V/O: Nice to see you, Molly!

Molly Shannon: Anyway, we have a great show for you — Linkin Park is here, so stick around, we’llbe right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 19

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

Penelope

Penelope…Kristen Wiig
Lisa… Molly Shannon
Gina… Amy Poehler
Lou… Kenan Thompson
Jim… Jason Sudeikis

(Guests are at a hotel meeting looking at the table with all the food)

Lou: Wow Lisa, I can’t believe you made these.

Lisa: Aw you know some time these meetings go on a little to long so I thought I’d make something to snack on.

Gina: oh god you made brownies too?

Lisa: Yeah I never made this recipe before so I hope it turns out okay.

(Penelope comes in)

Penelope: I have. I used this recipe before so, just used that recipe before, so my mom used to make that kind of brownie, so I grew up with that kinda brownie soo their not new to me soo just make them all the time so made them before.

Lisa: Hi I’m Lisa, you must be Penelope, you just moved in right?

Penelope: Yeah I just moved in so I’m probably the newest tenant here so.

Gina: Hi I’m Gina.

Lou: Hello Penelope, I’m Lou, welcome to the building. I live in 2g.

Penelope: Yeah I live in 1c, so just one more floor closer to the ground, so in case theirs a fire, I’d probably get out a lot easier than a lot of people, so just safer soo I just like it.

Lisa: Oh, well we’re really happy to have you. Hey Gina, by the wat I saw that flyer you put up about planting flowers in the walk way, I think that is a great idea.

Gina: Thanks yeah you know the weather is getting nice so I thought it would be fun, I know I said 8 am, and I know that might be a little early for some people..

Penelope: It’s not early for me, so I just get up at like 7, or 6, or 5, so I’ve been up at like 4, I just love getting up early, so just love getting up earlier than other ppl. I’ll probably be the first one there, I usually get up at 3 so..

Lisa: Well there you go I guess it isn’t to early (Laughs).

Lou: Hey you know what my grandaughters will be visiting, I should bring them.

Lisa: Aw what a great idea I cant wait to see them.

Lou: Well lucky for you I got some pictures (pulls out wallot)

Gina: Oh their adorable.

Penelope: I have pictures too in my wallot upstairs soo just didn’t bring my wallot cause it’s really expensive soo just didn’t want to bring it so lots of pictures of kids in their so I’ll probably bring them all on saturday too soo.

Lisa: Great, great great, well it looks like everyones here so excuse me, I think we should get started, why not everyone if we can find a seat we’re going to get going with this meeting.

Penelope: Sit down everybody (Sits)

Lisa: Yeah… okay hi everybody I just want to thank all of you for coming so lets get down to it, does anybody have any issues or concerns?

Jim: Yeah I just want to let everyone know that I’m finally going to take that trip to Italy.

Penelope: Yeah I’m going to italy too soo going to fly first class or something soo you know.

Jim: Yeah I’ll be their for two months.

Penelope: I’m going to go for four months soo, twice as long then he’s going soo just a little bit longer sooo

Jim: Anyways my brother is going to be watching my plays too.

Penelope: My brother is going to be watching my plays too sooo professional apartment watcher soo

Lisa: Alright that’s great really great Penelope… Jim I hope you have a good trip. Okay so lets just move on does anybody else have any buisness…

(Penelope gets up behind Lisa)

Penelope: other buisness, does everybody understand… soo any buisess.

Lisa: Penelope can you please have a seat.

(Penelope sites down)

Penelope: I’m having a seat already, I already took one sooo.

Lisa: Yes Gina.

Gina: Yeah I have a card for everyone to sign, some of you might not know this but Mrs. Jacob’s 15 year old cat Whiskers Magee passed away last week…

Penelope: My cat passed away tooo sooo his name was whiskers magee the first sooo, he was 17 years old so just a little bit older than her cat soo it died a few minutes ago too sooo just effects me more soo.

Lisa: That cat was like a child to her.

Penelope: my cat was my child I was pregnant with my cat… I gave birth to it sooo I had my cat baby in the hospital and I had my cat baby shower soo a lot of people there soo.

Lisa: Really you had a cat baby… wow penelope congradulations you know what I think this is a good time for me to tell everyone my good news. I just gave birth to twin cows in my apartment, just so I could have free milk and you know what I am going to keep that milk in my big sized swimming pool thats in my bathroom oh yeah and I’m going to italy to for nine years, and I am going to live in a real live gingerbread house sooo thats what I am going to do soooo probably bigger than yours sooo what do you think of that Penelope.

Penelope: Well I just want to say that I just gave birth to seven baby cows today sooo, I have the bathroom in my apartment that has the ocean in it and I practise swimming in it because I already qualified for the next olympics sooo I’m in italy right now.. and I am made of gingerbread soo.. and when I was born I was a cartoon and I can turn invisible soo.

Lisa: You know what penelope that’s enough. This isn’t the way we do things around here. You kno what everybody why dont we just continue this meeting in my apartment. And I’m sorry to say Penelope but you’re not invited.

Penelope: Thats okay I’m busy anyway I have another meeting to go to sooo Oprah’s coming over sooo. I’m going to turn invisible now.

(Penelope turns invisible.)

Submitted by: Anthony Felon

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 19

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

The Sopranos

Sally O’Malley….Molly Shannon
Tony Soprano….Darrell Hammond
Silvio Dante….Jason Sudeikis
Paulie Walnuts….Fred Armisen
Uncle Junior….Will Forte
Hitman….Bill Hader

[HBO Original Programming logo]

[The Sopranos]

[Opens with a view of the Bada-Bing strip club parkinglot. Dissolves to the inside of it. Young strippersare dancing on the stage. Tony Soprano is sitting nextto the stage. His crew is around him, Paulie standsnext to Tony and has a drink. Silvio is in a chairnearby. They talk with their goombah accents]

Tony Soprano: Ok, listen up you guys. I want to talk about that Miami job.

Paulie Walnuts: Hey, T. Did you ever watch that show “Lost”?

Tony Soprano: Zip it, Paulie. I don’t want to talkabout some stupid show. I want to talk about business.

Paulie Walnuts: I’m just saying, I don’t get thatshow. The fat guy only eats coconuts and doesn’t loseany weight. And what the hell is a polar bear doing ona tropical island?

Silvio Dante: It’s a very confusing show, T. I watchedthe entire dvd set and still don’t know what’s going on!

Tony Soprano: Freakin’ moron. That’s why they call it”Lost”. You’re not supposed to know what’s going on.Get back to work already.[Uncle Junior walks in kindof dazed] Oh, no. Uncle Junior, you’re supposed to bein a nuthouse. What are you doing here?

Uncle Junior: I don’t know what I’m doing here. I lostmy mind, remember? I think I came back to shoot youagain but I forgot my gun.[Holds up a banana]

Paulie Walnuts: Hey T., before we talk businessthere’s a new girl waiting to audition for the club.Lady, get out here! Move it! Come on.

[Strippers leave the stage. In comes Sally O’Malleywith her red outfit, her wild hair and purse]

Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is SallyO’Malley. I’m proud to say I’m 50 years old. I’m notone of those gals that’s afraid to tell her real ageand I like to KICK![She kicks] , STRETCH![she stretchesalmost touching the floor] and KICK![kicks the airagain] I’M 50!! 50 years old, 50 years old.

Tony Soprano: What the hell am I looking at? Lady, nodisrespect but you’re not exactly what we’re looking for.

Sally O’Malley: Not so fast, sonny. Listen, I saw anad in the paper that said that you were looking forhookers that could cut a rug. So I put my redpants[sing-songs] cause I likes to dance![struts her stuff]

Uncle Junior: This is the best cruise ship I’ve ever been on.

Tony Soprano: Lady, thanks but no thanks.

Paulie Walnuts: Come on, T. She’s a nice lady, let herdance. She even brought her own music. Bobby! Start the music!

[Old timey-music plays. Sally hops around the poletwirling her index finger around, grabs the pole andsquats down 2 times]

Tony Soprano: Oh!, oh!, whoa! Stop the music![musicstops] Lady, you call that a sexy dance? You didn’teven took off your clothes.

Sally O’Malley: Look, anyone can strip but I was bornto strut. This lady train is coming down the tracks.Let me tell you, the caboose is a little loose but Ilike to KICK![kicks] , STRETCH![stretches] andKICK![kick] I’M 50!! 50 years old.

Paulie Walnuts: She can move pretty good, T. How oldyou think she is? 43? 44?

Tony Soprano: She said she’s 50!! Freakin’ moron!

Uncle Junior: You’re crazy. She’s not a day over 49.

Tony Soprano: Lady, have you ever given a lap dance?

Sally O’Malley: Sweetheart, I’ve done more laps thanSeabiscuit. Put me in the starting gate, watch me go,this jockey’s number is the big 5-0!

Tony Soprano: Lady,it’s a strip club. You plan onwearing those long pants when you’re dancing or what?

Sally O’Malley: You darn tootin’. The boys don’t standa chance on this dance pants.[Pulls pants up hard] Icall this outfit my desert rose cause it features thecamel toe.

Tony Soprano: Whoa!

[The crew is kind of turned off too]

Sally O’Malley: That right there is my half centurylady hump. My five decade delight.[Sally puts a footup in Tony’s head to show her very noticeable cameltoe] How do you like that, huh?

Tony Soprano: Enough![takes foot off head]

Sally O’Malley: That’s the way it goes. You got toshake it around,[she keeps pulling on her pants up andbends to the left and to the right, proud of her cameltoe] make sure it gets the proper amount of exercise.These old bones. 50 years old, 50 years old, 50 years old.

[Darrell is cracking up hard. He recovers.]

Tony Soprano: I’m not hiring a 50 year old broad!

Paulie Walnuts: T, didn’t you see? She can kick,stretch and kick.

Silvio Dante: And she also stretches in addition to the kicking.

Uncle Junior: How old you think she is?

Tony Soprano: The answer’s no! Lady, look I admit it,you got something special but I don’t think you can handle this place.

Sally O’Malley: I can handle this and I got moreexperience than the lot of you.

[2 hitmen enter through the stage holding guns]

Hitman: Fredo! We got a message from PhilLeotardo.[points the gun]

Sally O’Malley: No, you don’t cause I like toKICK[kicks hitman in the stomach, knocks himdown] STRETCH![she stretches] and KICK![kicks secondhitman in the groin, k.o’s him] I’M 50!! 50 YEARS OLD!!

[Scene of Sally on stage freezes and it becomes thebillboard outside the strip club. It says BADA-BINGpresents SALLY O’MALLEY]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 19


]]>

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Molly Shannon…..Jeannie Darcy
Fred Armisen…..Pep Walters

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.

On Monday, President Bush held his first ever white-tie dinner in honor of Queen Elizabeth, opting to save the even more formal platinum-tie dinner for when Spider Man visits.

While visiting troops in Iraq on Thursday, vice president Dick Cheney told them that he knows they are suffering hard-ship from extended deployments, but the longer stays are vital to the mission. Then, still pointing his side arm, he slowly backed into his plane, and left.

Seth Meyers: Hamas has started a new children’s show, which features Farfur, a Mickey Mouse knock-off who teaches Islamic radicalism, and hatred towards American Isrealites. Farfur replaces the network’s previous children show, Dora the Exploder. [picture shows Dora with bombs on her stomach and a match in her hand]

During last week’s Republican debate, 3 of the 10 candidates said they did not believe in evolution, including Kansas senator, Sam Brownback, who said he would defend his conviction, one side of the Earth to the other.

Amy Poehler: Last week, Oprah Winfrey endorsed Barack Obama for president. Said Obama, “That’s great, but I was kind of hoping for a car.”

Seth Meyers: Well, the season’s almost over, and that means its time for one more installment of Weekend Update’s Comedy Cul-De-Sac.

Amy Poehler: Oh, yes listen to that laughter. There’s so many great comedians out there, and we want you to meet another one. Please welcome, everybody, Jeannie Darcy.

[camera goes to Jeannie Darcy with a brick wall behind her]

Jeannie Darcy: [voice throughout, is very very dull] Thank you, thank you, thank you. Wow, what a night! New York is crazy, huh? Millions of people, and they’re all listening to their Ipods. Have you seen these things? Pretty amazing stuff, huh? I wish I was an Ipod. Then a guy would always keep me with him, listen to me all day, and spend all night charging me up. Can I hear it from the sisters? Don’t get me started. Actually, get me started.

[Seth is laughing at the joke, while Amy is wondering why he is laughing, since the joke wasn’t even that funny]

Jeannie Darcy: It’s really hard when all your friends are having kids, though. All they talk about is how they wet the bed, or have trantrums in the mall, and I’m like “Are you sure you didn’t give birth to my ex-husband?”. Don’t get me started. Don’t even get me started.

[Seth laughs even more]

Amy Poehler: Oh boy, Seth, what should we do?

Seth Meyers: You just don’t get female comics.

Jeannie Darcy: I’m actually seeing somebody new, now. I brought him home to meet my family. I was like “I’d like you guys to meet my new boyfriend, shower massage.” Don’t get me started.

Amy Poehler: Um, Jeannie?

Jeannie Darcy: Yes, Amy? What up girl? Hey, listen, how about that new Tampax Multi-pack, huh? Is that confusing, or what, sister friend? And, Seth?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, Jeannie?

Jeannie Darcy: I left something at your apartment, my dignity. Don’t get me started. Men, errr! Right, ladies? Don’t get me started!

Amy Poehler: Yes, but do get her ended!

Seth Meyers: Jeannie Darcy, everyone!

Amy Poehler: In court, last week, Paris Hilton testified “I just sign what people tell me to sign.” She added, “And by sign I mean put in my mouth.”

Seth Meyers: Presidential candidate Mitt Romney told 60 Minutes this week that he can’t imagine anything more awful then polygamy, except having only one wife.

A 75 year old retired nurse has become the first black women to reach the north pole, which has to be the worst Katrina relocation story yet.

Amy Poehler: Well, everybody, summer’s almost here, and the one thing we can all look forward to is BBQs. Tonight, we have an inspirational guest to give us some BBQing tips. So please welcome the first blind man to win the Kansas City cook-off, here he is, Pep Walters, everyone!

Pep Walters: [facing sideways] Yeah! Hey! Who’s ready to BBQ!

Amy Poehler: Pep, turn around there buddy, just turn around.

Seth Meyers: Yep, you’re almost there, just turn around.

[he overturns, and goes to the other side]

Amy Poehler: No, no, no, no! Stop, just stop turning!

Seth Meyers: You were just there! No!

[he keeps on turning, now facing the Update desk]

Amy Poehler: Now, you’re all the way this way!

Seth Meyers: Nope, nope.

Pep Walters: Hey, everybody, it’s Suuuuuummer time, yeah!

Amy Poehler: Okay, no, turn all the way around.

Pep Walters: Time to BBQ!

Amy Poehler: Okay, bud, turn all the way around.

Seth Meyers: Your front, your back, all around.

[he starts turning around, then steps up towards the desk]

Seth Meyers: No, no, no!

Amy Poehler: Don’t step up, Pep! The grill is right in front of you!

[Pep turns right infront of the grill]

Amy Poehler: There we go, there we go! RIGHT THERE! Yup!

Pep Walters: Hows that?

Amy Poehler: Great!

Pep Walters: Hey everybody! Are you ready to party?! [as he throws his arm thats holding up the meat holder in his hand, the meat flies off into the audience]

Amy Poehler: Ohhh!

Seth Meyers: Okay..

[Amy and Seth are breaking character in the background]

Pep Walters: I, uh… that uh… that was my, uh, only piece of steak. It’s okay, I got some other steaks in my car, could I just get them real quick?

Amy Poehler: Yup.

Pep Walters: Just, uh, do your jokes and everything. I’ll be right back.

Amy Poehler: Okay, okay. Thank you, thank you. Chef Pep Walters, everybody. Thank you Pep

[applause]

Seth Meyers: In Iran, Iranian soccer—

[Pep Walters comes back, and gets in the way of the camera]

Seth Meyers: Uh, Pep, really—

Pep Walters: Uh, could I have a steak—

Seth Meyers: Really—

Amy Poehler: Pep, you’re blocking the camera, Pep!

Seth Meyers: You can be forward or backwards, but just not there, buddy.

Amy Poehler: Any direction, Pep! You’re in the way.

Seth Meyers: You’re in the way.

Amy Poehler: Pep, you’re in the way.

Seth Meyers: Pep, you’re standing where you can’t be.

[Pep steps away from the camera and leaves]

Amy Poehler: Okay, there you go.

Seth Meyers: Good job.

Amy Poehler: Chef Pep Walters everybody.

[applause]

Amy Poehler: I like his mouth. Very sexy mouth

Seth Meyers: Yeah, good. Pep Walters, everybody!

Doctors in Oregon removed two spiders from a nine-year old’s ear after he complained of pain. So, remember kids: if you’re experiencing ear pain, it’s probably just spiders.

Monday was Sigmundn Freud’s 151st birthday, so in honor of that, I’m going to smoke a penis— Cigar! Whoa. I meant cigar. I’m not gay. I’ve got a mother— Girlfriend! Whoa, I feel like a total cigar.

A thief in West Virginia was arrested after trying to rob a convenience store, wearing a pair of panties over his face. This brings us to a new Weekend Update segment called “What’s in a Word?”

[SUPER of “What’s In a Word?”]

Don Pardo: [overlapping] What’s In A Word?

Amy Poehler: Thank you, Don Pardo. Today’s word is panties, and I will be taking the position against the word, panties.

Seth Meyers: And my position is that word is great.

Amy Poehler: Seth, trust me, adult mature women, do not appreciate it when men refer to their undergarments as panties. It’s a word created by men to fantasize women, and the time has come to retire it.

Seth Meyers: It’s a war on language, Amy, and I won’t just use the word nipples.

Amy Poehler: You know? You should stop using the word, nipples.

Seth Meyers: No nipples? No panties? How, then, do you suggest I hold a conversation?

Amy Poehler: Seth, why would you need to use those words?

Seth Meyers: Well, if I can’t use those words, I would have to go back to saying the word bra.

Amy Poehler: Why? What do you call bras now?

Seth Meyers: Nipple panties.

Amy Poehler: No! If you can call yours underwear, then why can’t I?

Seth Meyers: I don’t call mine underwear.

Amy Poehler: What do you call them?

Seth Meyers: Manties.

Amy Poehler: Oh, boy.

Don Pardo: This has been “What’s In a Word?”

[SUPER of “What’s In a Word”?]

[applause]

Amy Poehler: New research shows that children conceived in the summer months scored lower on math and language tests, then children conceived in other months. Scientists are calling this phenomenon “getting knocked up on the Jersey shore”.

Police in Florida say an arm-less one-legged men, escaped from them in a high speed car chase. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. Police have actually caught him before. But he’s a real bitch to handcuff.

Seth Meyers: British pop star, George Michaels, says he is filled with shame for his drug use charges. By the way, this is shame.

[picture of a man, with his shirt off and unzipped jeans appears]

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler

Together: Goodnight!

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 19th, 2007

Zach Braff

Maroon 5

None

None

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) announces that he’s taking off for summer vacation and leaving Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) in charge.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice.

Transcript

Montage

Zach Braff’s MonologueSummary: Zach Braff sings about his home state, New Jersey.

Bio: Zach Braff (1975-). Actor; starred on “Scrubs” since 2001; starred, wrote, directed, and produced the soundtrack for “Garden State” in 2004.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: While inquiring about an apartment, a man (Andy Samberg) finds himself being seduced into some “Dog Love” by his new roommate’s (Zach Braff) furry pal (Bill Hader).

Transcript

Prom Committee MeetingSummary: Snobby committee leaders (Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph) aren’t keen on listening to outside ideas for prom themes from their less-than-demure classmates.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Kane.

Transcript

Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) laughs briefly at one of co-host T’Shane’s (Andy Samberg) lame jokes, then they dish out more of the club music scene.

Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, T’Shane.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Decision ’08: Spring ’07 Cleaning”, in which various Democratic and Republican presidential contenders come clean with their dirtiest secrets on “Oprah.”

Note: An audience member screams out “Exit Only!” after reading the expression from a tattoo on Rudolph Guiliani’s ass.

The WeightSummary: While in a bar, the sounds of “The Weight” on the jukebox spurns memories of unusual life-changing events for four buddies (Zach Braff, Bill Hader, Will Forte, Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Buddies.

Maroon 5 performs “Makes Me Wonder”Also Performed: 03m.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Culture correspondent, Amy’s Aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig), reviews some of the summer movie sequels coming out. Sam Waterson (Fred Armisen) takes offense to a joke about NBC’s renewal of “Law & Order.” Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) makes a surprise visit to the desk so she can ramble incoherently.

Recurring Characters: Aunt Linda, Whitney Houston.

Transcript

La Revista Della TelevisioneSummary: Fast-talking Italian talk show host Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews Zach Braff.

Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci.

Transcript

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with an attractive intern (Zach Braff).

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Josi Deitz.

Maroon 5 performs “Won’t Go Home Without You”

Melissa the ReceptionistSummary: Brian Grazer’s (Bill Hader) nerdy receptionist, Melissa (Fred Armisen), hits on Zach Braff.

Note: This sketch was cut from last season’s episode hosted by Tom Hanks.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The SuperSummary: Tenants try to find a way to fire their apartment super.

Al Gore Talks to AmericaSummary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) rants further about global warming.

Recurring Characters: Al Gore.

ProactiveSummary: Dina Lohan (Kristen Wiig) touts Proactive.

IntrovertsSummary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte) and Jean (Kristen Wiig) discuss the purchase of glue from a Staples clerk (Zach Braff).

Recurring Characters: Neil, Jean.

DeodorantSummary: J.T. (Zach Braff) deodorizes elderly patients before operating on them.

Al Pacino Does Last-Minute Gift ShoppingSummary: Al Pacino (Bill Hader) calls an operator (Kristen Wiig) so he can do some last-minute gift shopping.

Recurring Characters: Al Pacino.

SNL Transcripts