[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of divorce forms and hookers approaching motor vehicles.]
Singers: MacGruber! He’s recently divorced, and he’s filing for bankruptcy! MacGruber! Unprotected sex with hookers is a nightly occurrence! MacGruber! The dude’s a raging alcoholic!
[CUT to a disheveled MacGruber walking drunk in front of footage of flames.]
[CUT to drug lord headquarters in the jungle. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Drug Lord Headquarters.” CUT to a sign marked “Drug Lord Control Room” as sirens wail.]
[ Macgruber is stretched topless across the floor while mucnhing on a hamburger ]
April: You wanna get up, Macgruber?
MacGruber: [ slurred ] Where’s Casey?
April: She quit.
MacGruber: Well, then, I quit!
April: You can’t quit! You have to diffuse the bomb! Do you remember the bomb?
[ camera pans next to MacGruber to reveal the C4 bomb ]
MacGruber: What bomb?
April: The bomb you made when you were drunk!
MacGruber: [ extended silence ] What time..?
April: I don’t know.. I’m gonna get out of here, I’m quitting, too.
MacGruber: Well, okay.. [ continues to munch on the pieces of his hamburger ]
[CUT to the drug lord headquarters exploding into flames.]
Molly Shannon: Thank you!! I just wanna say — I just wanna — I just wanna say that it’s a special night, because I was a cast member here for six AMAZING years, but tonight I get to be the HOST!! [ audience cheers ] And my life has changed SO much since I was on the show — I got married, I have two kids now, and I — [ audience cheers again ] And I have a movie out that I’m really proud of, called “Year of the Dog.” [ audience cheers some more ] But right now, in a way, standing here on this stage, it feels like I never left. I have so many memories of this place: staying up all night until the sun came up, writing sketches, and all the parties we have every week after the show, and, of course, all the SEX! Ohhhhh, my God, there was a lot of SEX when I was here! In the dressing rooms, by the make-up area — [ points ] There was sex over there! Up there! [ points behind her ] In that! [ squats to the floorboards ] Under there! Oh, my God! And, actually — [ points into the audience ] right where you’re sitting, Sir! Oh my gosh, it was crazy. Yeah, I wish I’d participated in it.
Actually, during the 90’s, when I was here, I had a huge crush on someone. You know, those type of crushes you get on your college professor? I mean, I remember it like it was yesterday..
[ scene dissolves into the past, Lorne Michaels’ office, as a desktop boombox blasts Lou Bega’s “Mambo #5” ]
[ Molly Shannon enters the office ]
Molly Shannon: You wanted to see me, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Yeah, Molly. Have a seat.
Molly Shannon: [ sits ] Oh, my God. This music is all that and a bag of chips. What is it?
Lorne Michaels: It’s called “Mambo #5”, by Lou Bega. It’s destined to become a classic.
Molly Shannon: Ooh.
Lorne Michaels: [ fidgets with the buttons on the boombox ] Why do they have to make these new compact-disc players so complicated?
Molly Shannon: [ chuckles out loud ]
Lorne Michaels: [ picks up a miniature tape record, Norm MacDonald-style ] Idea: create a device where you can store ALL your music, possibly computerized, pod-shaped.
Molly Shannon: [ sips a Zima ] You’re, like, old school smart, Lorne. [ shuts her eyelids to reveal a heart shape on one, and a “U” on the other ]
Lorne Michaels: Molly, you have to put a stop to this.
Molly Shannon: I agree, Lorne! We don’t have to be on the down-low about this! I don’t care what people are saying!
Lorne Michaels: Why? What are they saying?
Molly Shannon: They’re saying that you’re a playa, that you just want to get jiggy with me. You’ve got —
Lorne Michaels: Nanny on the brain?
Molly Shannon: Yeah. And when I hear that stuff, I’m all, “Lorne Michaels is super phat, with a P-H. I mean, you’re off da heazy in love. [ holds up her hand ] So, talk to the Hand!
Lorne Michaels: Molly, I hear what you’re sayin,g and I think my feelings can be expressed in this song by TLC: [ presses a button on the obombox, as “Waterfalls” begins to play ]
Molly Shannon: [ confused ] What are you saying, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: I’m saying, “Don’t go chasing waterfalls,” Molly. In this analogy, I am the waterfall.
[ Molly drops her head on Lorne’s desk and cries, as he casually sips a Zima ]
(Guests are at a hotel meeting looking at the table with all the food)
Lou: Wow Lisa, I can’t believe you made these.
Lisa: Aw you know some time these meetings go on a little to long so I thought I’d make something to snack on.
Gina: oh god you made brownies too?
Lisa: Yeah I never made this recipe before so I hope it turns out okay.
(Penelope comes in)
Penelope: I have. I used this recipe before so, just used that recipe before, so my mom used to make that kind of brownie, so I grew up with that kinda brownie soo their not new to me soo just make them all the time so made them before.
Lisa: Hi I’m Lisa, you must be Penelope, you just moved in right?
Penelope: Yeah I just moved in so I’m probably the newest tenant here so.
Gina: Hi I’m Gina.
Lou: Hello Penelope, I’m Lou, welcome to the building. I live in 2g.
Penelope: Yeah I live in 1c, so just one more floor closer to the ground, so in case theirs a fire, I’d probably get out a lot easier than a lot of people, so just safer soo I just like it.
Lisa: Oh, well we’re really happy to have you. Hey Gina, by the wat I saw that flyer you put up about planting flowers in the walk way, I think that is a great idea.
Gina: Thanks yeah you know the weather is getting nice so I thought it would be fun, I know I said 8 am, and I know that might be a little early for some people..
Penelope: It’s not early for me, so I just get up at like 7, or 6, or 5, so I’ve been up at like 4, I just love getting up early, so just love getting up earlier than other ppl. I’ll probably be the first one there, I usually get up at 3 so..
Lisa: Well there you go I guess it isn’t to early (Laughs).
Lou: Hey you know what my grandaughters will be visiting, I should bring them.
Lisa: Aw what a great idea I cant wait to see them.
Lou: Well lucky for you I got some pictures (pulls out wallot)
Gina: Oh their adorable.
Penelope: I have pictures too in my wallot upstairs soo just didn’t bring my wallot cause it’s really expensive soo just didn’t want to bring it so lots of pictures of kids in their so I’ll probably bring them all on saturday too soo.
Lisa: Great, great great, well it looks like everyones here so excuse me, I think we should get started, why not everyone if we can find a seat we’re going to get going with this meeting.
Penelope: Sit down everybody (Sits)
Lisa: Yeah… okay hi everybody I just want to thank all of you for coming so lets get down to it, does anybody have any issues or concerns?
Jim: Yeah I just want to let everyone know that I’m finally going to take that trip to Italy.
Penelope: Yeah I’m going to italy too soo going to fly first class or something soo you know.
Jim: Yeah I’ll be their for two months.
Penelope: I’m going to go for four months soo, twice as long then he’s going soo just a little bit longer sooo
Jim: Anyways my brother is going to be watching my plays too.
Penelope: My brother is going to be watching my plays too sooo professional apartment watcher soo
Lisa: Alright that’s great really great Penelope… Jim I hope you have a good trip. Okay so lets just move on does anybody else have any buisness…
(Penelope gets up behind Lisa)
Penelope: other buisness, does everybody understand… soo any buisess.
Lisa: Penelope can you please have a seat.
(Penelope sites down)
Penelope: I’m having a seat already, I already took one sooo.
Lisa: Yes Gina.
Gina: Yeah I have a card for everyone to sign, some of you might not know this but Mrs. Jacob’s 15 year old cat Whiskers Magee passed away last week…
Penelope: My cat passed away tooo sooo his name was whiskers magee the first sooo, he was 17 years old so just a little bit older than her cat soo it died a few minutes ago too sooo just effects me more soo.
Lisa: That cat was like a child to her.
Penelope: my cat was my child I was pregnant with my cat… I gave birth to it sooo I had my cat baby in the hospital and I had my cat baby shower soo a lot of people there soo.
Lisa: Really you had a cat baby… wow penelope congradulations you know what I think this is a good time for me to tell everyone my good news. I just gave birth to twin cows in my apartment, just so I could have free milk and you know what I am going to keep that milk in my big sized swimming pool thats in my bathroom oh yeah and I’m going to italy to for nine years, and I am going to live in a real live gingerbread house sooo thats what I am going to do soooo probably bigger than yours sooo what do you think of that Penelope.
Penelope: Well I just want to say that I just gave birth to seven baby cows today sooo, I have the bathroom in my apartment that has the ocean in it and I practise swimming in it because I already qualified for the next olympics sooo I’m in italy right now.. and I am made of gingerbread soo.. and when I was born I was a cartoon and I can turn invisible soo.
Lisa: You know what penelope that’s enough. This isn’t the way we do things around here. You kno what everybody why dont we just continue this meeting in my apartment. And I’m sorry to say Penelope but you’re not invited.
Penelope: Thats okay I’m busy anyway I have another meeting to go to sooo Oprah’s coming over sooo. I’m going to turn invisible now.
Sally O’Malley….Molly Shannon Tony Soprano….Darrell Hammond Silvio Dante….Jason Sudeikis Paulie Walnuts….Fred Armisen Uncle Junior….Will Forte Hitman….Bill Hader
[HBO Original Programming logo]
[Opens with a view of the Bada-Bing strip club parkinglot. Dissolves to the inside of it. Young strippersare dancing on the stage. Tony Soprano is sitting nextto the stage. His crew is around him, Paulie standsnext to Tony and has a drink. Silvio is in a chairnearby. They talk with their goombah accents]
Tony Soprano: Ok, listen up you guys. I want to talk about that Miami job.
Paulie Walnuts: Hey, T. Did you ever watch that show “Lost”?
Tony Soprano: Zip it, Paulie. I don’t want to talkabout some stupid show. I want to talk about business.
Paulie Walnuts: I’m just saying, I don’t get thatshow. The fat guy only eats coconuts and doesn’t loseany weight. And what the hell is a polar bear doing ona tropical island?
Silvio Dante: It’s a very confusing show, T. I watchedthe entire dvd set and still don’t know what’s going on!
Tony Soprano: Freakin’ moron. That’s why they call it”Lost”. You’re not supposed to know what’s going on.Get back to work already.[Uncle Junior walks in kindof dazed] Oh, no. Uncle Junior, you’re supposed to bein a nuthouse. What are you doing here?
Uncle Junior: I don’t know what I’m doing here. I lostmy mind, remember? I think I came back to shoot youagain but I forgot my gun.[Holds up a banana]
Paulie Walnuts: Hey T., before we talk businessthere’s a new girl waiting to audition for the club.Lady, get out here! Move it! Come on.
[Strippers leave the stage. In comes Sally O’Malleywith her red outfit, her wild hair and purse]
Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is SallyO’Malley. I’m proud to say I’m 50 years old. I’m notone of those gals that’s afraid to tell her real ageand I like to KICK![She kicks] , STRETCH![she stretchesalmost touching the floor] and KICK![kicks the airagain] I’M 50!! 50 years old, 50 years old.
Tony Soprano: What the hell am I looking at? Lady, nodisrespect but you’re not exactly what we’re looking for.
Sally O’Malley: Not so fast, sonny. Listen, I saw anad in the paper that said that you were looking forhookers that could cut a rug. So I put my redpants[sing-songs] cause I likes to dance![struts her stuff]
Uncle Junior: This is the best cruise ship I’ve ever been on.
Tony Soprano: Lady, thanks but no thanks.
Paulie Walnuts: Come on, T. She’s a nice lady, let herdance. She even brought her own music. Bobby! Start the music!
[Old timey-music plays. Sally hops around the poletwirling her index finger around, grabs the pole andsquats down 2 times]
Tony Soprano: Oh!, oh!, whoa! Stop the music![musicstops] Lady, you call that a sexy dance? You didn’teven took off your clothes.
Sally O’Malley: Look, anyone can strip but I was bornto strut. This lady train is coming down the tracks.Let me tell you, the caboose is a little loose but Ilike to KICK![kicks] , STRETCH![stretches] andKICK![kick] I’M 50!! 50 years old.
Paulie Walnuts: She can move pretty good, T. How oldyou think she is? 43? 44?
Tony Soprano: She said she’s 50!! Freakin’ moron!
Uncle Junior: You’re crazy. She’s not a day over 49.
Tony Soprano: Lady, have you ever given a lap dance?
Sally O’Malley: Sweetheart, I’ve done more laps thanSeabiscuit. Put me in the starting gate, watch me go,this jockey’s number is the big 5-0!
Tony Soprano: Lady,it’s a strip club. You plan onwearing those long pants when you’re dancing or what?
Sally O’Malley: You darn tootin’. The boys don’t standa chance on this dance pants.[Pulls pants up hard] Icall this outfit my desert rose cause it features thecamel toe.
Tony Soprano: Whoa!
[The crew is kind of turned off too]
Sally O’Malley: That right there is my half centurylady hump. My five decade delight.[Sally puts a footup in Tony’s head to show her very noticeable cameltoe] How do you like that, huh?
Tony Soprano: Enough![takes foot off head]
Sally O’Malley: That’s the way it goes. You got toshake it around,[she keeps pulling on her pants up andbends to the left and to the right, proud of her cameltoe] make sure it gets the proper amount of exercise.These old bones. 50 years old, 50 years old, 50 years old.
[Darrell is cracking up hard. He recovers.]
Tony Soprano: I’m not hiring a 50 year old broad!
Paulie Walnuts: T, didn’t you see? She can kick,stretch and kick.
Silvio Dante: And she also stretches in addition to the kicking.
Uncle Junior: How old you think she is?
Tony Soprano: The answer’s no! Lady, look I admit it,you got something special but I don’t think you can handle this place.
Sally O’Malley: I can handle this and I got moreexperience than the lot of you.
[2 hitmen enter through the stage holding guns]
Hitman: Fredo! We got a message from PhilLeotardo.[points the gun]
Sally O’Malley: No, you don’t cause I like toKICK[kicks hitman in the stomach, knocks himdown] STRETCH![she stretches] and KICK![kicks secondhitman in the groin, k.o’s him] I’M 50!! 50 YEARS OLD!!
[Scene of Sally on stage freezes and it becomes thebillboard outside the strip club. It says BADA-BINGpresents SALLY O’MALLEY]
[cheers and applause]
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers Molly Shannon…..Jeannie Darcy Fred Armisen…..Pep Walters
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.
On Monday, President Bush held his first ever white-tie dinner in honor of Queen Elizabeth, opting to save the even more formal platinum-tie dinner for when Spider Man visits.
While visiting troops in Iraq on Thursday, vice president Dick Cheney told them that he knows they are suffering hard-ship from extended deployments, but the longer stays are vital to the mission. Then, still pointing his side arm, he slowly backed into his plane, and left.
Seth Meyers: Hamas has started a new children’s show, which features Farfur, a Mickey Mouse knock-off who teaches Islamic radicalism, and hatred towards American Isrealites. Farfur replaces the network’s previous children show, Dora the Exploder. [picture shows Dora with bombs on her stomach and a match in her hand]
During last week’s Republican debate, 3 of the 10 candidates said they did not believe in evolution, including Kansas senator, Sam Brownback, who said he would defend his conviction, one side of the Earth to the other.
Amy Poehler: Last week, Oprah Winfrey endorsed Barack Obama for president. Said Obama, “That’s great, but I was kind of hoping for a car.”
Seth Meyers: Well, the season’s almost over, and that means its time for one more installment of Weekend Update’s Comedy Cul-De-Sac.
Amy Poehler: Oh, yes listen to that laughter. There’s so many great comedians out there, and we want you to meet another one. Please welcome, everybody, Jeannie Darcy.
[camera goes to Jeannie Darcy with a brick wall behind her]
Jeannie Darcy: [voice throughout, is very very dull] Thank you, thank you, thank you. Wow, what a night! New York is crazy, huh? Millions of people, and they’re all listening to their Ipods. Have you seen these things? Pretty amazing stuff, huh? I wish I was an Ipod. Then a guy would always keep me with him, listen to me all day, and spend all night charging me up. Can I hear it from the sisters? Don’t get me started. Actually, get me started.
[Seth is laughing at the joke, while Amy is wondering why he is laughing, since the joke wasn’t even that funny]
Jeannie Darcy: It’s really hard when all your friends are having kids, though. All they talk about is how they wet the bed, or have trantrums in the mall, and I’m like “Are you sure you didn’t give birth to my ex-husband?”. Don’t get me started. Don’t even get me started.
[Seth laughs even more]
Amy Poehler: Oh boy, Seth, what should we do?
Seth Meyers: You just don’t get female comics.
Jeannie Darcy: I’m actually seeing somebody new, now. I brought him home to meet my family. I was like “I’d like you guys to meet my new boyfriend, shower massage.” Don’t get me started.
Amy Poehler: Um, Jeannie?
Jeannie Darcy: Yes, Amy? What up girl? Hey, listen, how about that new Tampax Multi-pack, huh? Is that confusing, or what, sister friend? And, Seth?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, Jeannie?
Jeannie Darcy: I left something at your apartment, my dignity. Don’t get me started. Men, errr! Right, ladies? Don’t get me started!
Amy Poehler: Yes, but do get her ended!
Seth Meyers: Jeannie Darcy, everyone!
Amy Poehler: In court, last week, Paris Hilton testified “I just sign what people tell me to sign.” She added, “And by sign I mean put in my mouth.”
Seth Meyers: Presidential candidate Mitt Romney told 60 Minutes this week that he can’t imagine anything more awful then polygamy, except having only one wife.
A 75 year old retired nurse has become the first black women to reach the north pole, which has to be the worst Katrina relocation story yet.
Amy Poehler: Well, everybody, summer’s almost here, and the one thing we can all look forward to is BBQs. Tonight, we have an inspirational guest to give us some BBQing tips. So please welcome the first blind man to win the Kansas City cook-off, here he is, Pep Walters, everyone!
Pep Walters: [facing sideways] Yeah! Hey! Who’s ready to BBQ!
Amy Poehler: Pep, turn around there buddy, just turn around.
Seth Meyers: Yep, you’re almost there, just turn around.
[he overturns, and goes to the other side]
Amy Poehler: No, no, no, no! Stop, just stop turning!
Seth Meyers: You were just there! No!
[he keeps on turning, now facing the Update desk]
Amy Poehler: Now, you’re all the way this way!
Seth Meyers: Nope, nope.
Pep Walters: Hey, everybody, it’s Suuuuuummer time, yeah!
Amy Poehler: Okay, no, turn all the way around.
Pep Walters: Time to BBQ!
Amy Poehler: Okay, bud, turn all the way around.
Seth Meyers: Your front, your back, all around.
[he starts turning around, then steps up towards the desk]
Seth Meyers: No, no, no!
Amy Poehler: Don’t step up, Pep! The grill is right in front of you!
[Pep turns right infront of the grill]
Amy Poehler: There we go, there we go! RIGHT THERE! Yup!
Pep Walters: Hows that?
Amy Poehler: Great!
Pep Walters: Hey everybody! Are you ready to party?! [as he throws his arm thats holding up the meat holder in his hand, the meat flies off into the audience]
Amy Poehler: Ohhh!
Seth Meyers: Okay..
[Amy and Seth are breaking character in the background]
Pep Walters: I, uh… that uh… that was my, uh, only piece of steak. It’s okay, I got some other steaks in my car, could I just get them real quick?
Amy Poehler: Yup.
Pep Walters: Just, uh, do your jokes and everything. I’ll be right back.
Amy Poehler: Okay, okay. Thank you, thank you. Chef Pep Walters, everybody. Thank you Pep
Seth Meyers: In Iran, Iranian soccer
[Pep Walters comes back, and gets in the way of the camera]
Seth Meyers: Uh, Pep, really
Pep Walters: Uh, could I have a steak
Seth Meyers: Really
Amy Poehler: Pep, you’re blocking the camera, Pep!
Seth Meyers: You can be forward or backwards, but just not there, buddy.
Amy Poehler: Any direction, Pep! You’re in the way.
Seth Meyers: You’re in the way.
Amy Poehler: Pep, you’re in the way.
Seth Meyers: Pep, you’re standing where you can’t be.
[Pep steps away from the camera and leaves]
Amy Poehler: Okay, there you go.
Seth Meyers: Good job.
Amy Poehler: Chef Pep Walters everybody.
Amy Poehler: I like his mouth. Very sexy mouth
Seth Meyers: Yeah, good. Pep Walters, everybody!
Doctors in Oregon removed two spiders from a nine-year old’s ear after he complained of pain. So, remember kids: if you’re experiencing ear pain, it’s probably just spiders.
Monday was Sigmundn Freud’s 151st birthday, so in honor of that, I’m going to smoke a penis Cigar! Whoa. I meant cigar. I’m not gay. I’ve got a mother Girlfriend! Whoa, I feel like a total cigar.
A thief in West Virginia was arrested after trying to rob a convenience store, wearing a pair of panties over his face. This brings us to a new Weekend Update segment called “What’s in a Word?”
[SUPER of “What’s In a Word?”]
Don Pardo: [overlapping] What’s In A Word?
Amy Poehler: Thank you, Don Pardo. Today’s word is panties, and I will be taking the position against the word, panties.
Seth Meyers: And my position is that word is great.
Amy Poehler: Seth, trust me, adult mature women, do not appreciate it when men refer to their undergarments as panties. It’s a word created by men to fantasize women, and the time has come to retire it.
Seth Meyers: It’s a war on language, Amy, and I won’t just use the word nipples.
Amy Poehler: You know? You should stop using the word, nipples.
Seth Meyers: No nipples? No panties? How, then, do you suggest I hold a conversation?
Amy Poehler: Seth, why would you need to use those words?
Seth Meyers: Well, if I can’t use those words, I would have to go back to saying the word bra.
Amy Poehler: Why? What do you call bras now?
Seth Meyers: Nipple panties.
Amy Poehler: No! If you can call yours underwear, then why can’t I?
Seth Meyers: I don’t call mine underwear.
Amy Poehler: What do you call them?
Seth Meyers: Manties.
Amy Poehler: Oh, boy.
Don Pardo: This has been “What’s In a Word?”
[SUPER of “What’s In a Word”?]
Amy Poehler: New research shows that children conceived in the summer months scored lower on math and language tests, then children conceived in other months. Scientists are calling this phenomenon “getting knocked up on the Jersey shore”.
Police in Florida say an arm-less one-legged men, escaped from them in a high speed car chase. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. Police have actually caught him before. But he’s a real bitch to handcuff.
Seth Meyers: British pop star, George Michaels, says he is filled with shame for his drug use charges. By the way, this is shame.
[picture of a man, with his shirt off and unzipped jeans appears]
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) announces that he’s taking off for summer vacation and leaving Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) in charge.
Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice.
Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) laughs briefly at one of co-host T’Shane’s (Andy Samberg) lame jokes, then they dish out more of the club music scene.
Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, T’Shane.
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Decision ’08: Spring ’07 Cleaning”, in which various Democratic and Republican presidential contenders come clean with their dirtiest secrets on “Oprah.”
Note: An audience member screams out “Exit Only!” after reading the expression from a tattoo on Rudolph Guiliani’s ass.
The WeightSummary: While in a bar, the sounds of “The Weight” on the jukebox spurns memories of unusual life-changing events for four buddies (Zach Braff, Bill Hader, Will Forte, Jason Sudeikis).
Recurring Characters: Buddies.
Maroon 5 performs “Makes Me Wonder”Also Performed: 03m.
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Culture correspondent, Amy’s Aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig), reviews some of the summer movie sequels coming out. Sam Waterson (Fred Armisen) takes offense to a joke about NBC’s renewal of “Law & Order.” Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) makes a surprise visit to the desk so she can ramble incoherently.
President George W. Bush…..Jason Sudeikis Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph
[The Official Seal for the President of the United States comes up]
Announcer: The following is a special address from the president of the United States.
[The camera goes to President Bush sitting at his desk while the audience applause]
President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Memorial Day will soon be here, and for me, like most Americans, that means the long summer vacation. It’s been a very difficult year, and I don’t mind telling you, that it will be a relief, not having to think about Iraq, the war on terror, or the exploding federal debts for the next three months. In fact, I might even leave a week early. (chuckles to himself)
Since you won’t be hearing from me, until after Labor Day, tonight, I’d like to share to you some thoughts on the most important issue currently facing our nation, the war in Iraq. First, when this administration launched Operation Iraqi Freedom, critics of the war, both in the Muslim World, and here in America, charged that its real purpose was to install a U.S. puppet government in Baghdad. Now, four years later, those critics have been proven dead wrong. Far from being a U.S. puppet, the government of Iraq isn’t even much of an al-lie. In fact, I kind of think they hate us. Case and point, their parliaments resolutions set to pass next week, calling on all U.S. soldiers to leave the country. Obviously, we will ignore it. But, still, does that sound like a puppet?
[President Bush looks sideways towards Vice President Dick Cheney, and without saying anything, Dick Cheney gives a smile to the camera and gives a thumbs up. The camera goes back to Bush and he perks up from Cheney’s reaction]
President George W. Bush: Second, we all remember how, at the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom, opponents of this war acclaimed that it wasn’t about freeing the Iraqis at all, but about guaranteeing cheap oil for American consumers. Well, today, with the price of gasoline of an all time high, my administration, has once again, been resoundingly vindicated. I don’t mean to gloat, but this summer, when Americans find they’re paying over $4.00 for a gallon of unleaded, a $1.50 then they did before the war, I think they’ll say “Mr. President, we’re sorry we ever doubted you.” And I’m very proud of that.
[President Bush looks sideways once again toward Vice President Dick Cheney, who gives an “A-Okay” sign with his fingers. George Bush perks up once again and looks back to the camera]
President George W. Bush: Third, what about those critics of the war, who insisted that by overtaxing our armed forces, and spreading them to thin, we would be unable to take military action against other threats, such as, Iran, or North Korea? [scoffs] Well, just wait ’till fall. October 16th. Those critics will be proven wrong, too, big time.
[President Bush looks sideways again to see Vice President Dick Cheney throwing one of his arms down, while his hand is made into a fist. George Bush looks back at the camera]
President George W. Bush: Finally, when Operation Iraqi Freedom began, many of those against this war said this administration would refuse to listen to the advice of military experts, and would conduct the war incompetently. Here, the critics turned out to be right.
[President Bush looks sideways to find Vice President Dick Cheney. But, Dick Cheney ran off after the negativity]
President George W. Bush: [getting nervous] But, okay! That’s one out of four! You know, ask any baseball manager, one out of four is nothing to be proud of. When I was part owner of the Texas Rangers, we did a little better than that, and as I recall, we were considered a disaster! Also, we traded away Sammy Sosa for Herald Banes, which I’ll be honest, was completely my idea. Well, that’s all for tonight, I’ll see you all after labor day. Until then, all decisions effecting the country will be made by my very capable Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, and her assistant, David something-rather. [looks sideways] Condi, come on out here!
[Condoleeza Rice walks out with a front tooth missing]
Condoleeza Rice: Hello, Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Well, stranger! Long time, no see! When was it?
Condoleeza Rice: Probably Thanksgiving. Mr. President, will there be a number where I can reach you?
President George W. Bush: [scoffs] Yeah, nice try! Any way, you’re doing a heck of a job, how about you take it from here.
Condoleeza Rice: Certainly, Mr. President. [voice rises] Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Zach Braff: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. I just want to take a moment here: I cannot believe it, I am so incredibly honored to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live.
This has been a dream of mine ever since I was a little kid. I would stay up past my bed time to watch SNL in the days of the Church Lady and Toonces, the cat who could drive. Now I know when most people come out here they talk about how much they love New York, right? New York gets a lot of attention. I love New York. I grew up right across the river actually in a little state known as New Jersey. You may have seen my movie, Garden State, which was my love letter to New Jersey. I think it’s a place that’s so often overlooked in my opinion. Its my state I’m very proud of it. I just want to share those feelings to you.
(Piano starts and Zach sings to the tune of Billy Joel’s “New York State of Mind”)
“Some folks like to get away, take a holiday from the neighborhood. Hop a flight to Miami beach or to Hollywood. But I’m taking New Jersey transit, the Morris/Essex line. I’m in a New Jersey state of mind.”
Thank you very much.
(Piano continues as he breaks out of singing)
Here are some facts you may not know about the greatest state in the world. Of all the governors of all the states, our governor drives the fastest. 91 miles per hour. That’s the governor of New Jersey. Two thirds of the nation’s eggplants are grown in New Jersey, but you never once hear us brag about it. Why? We’re just not like that in New Jersey.
New Jersey has the 4th highest Italian-American population of any state, yet, HBO chose to set their series the Sopranos there. Why? It just felt right in New Jersey. For these and many other reasons, even though I live in California, my heart will always be in New Jersey.
(A new song starts up, Zach goes back into song, and Amy, Andy, Maya, and Kenan come out dressed as different landmarks of New Jersey.)
They say the Neon lights are bright on Route 17 in Paramus.
Zach Braff: They say that you can see the mall from there.
All: PARAMUS PARK MALL!
Maya Rudolph: Um, Zach.
Zach Braff: Yes, Maya?
Maya Rudolph: We’re happy to do this but we don’t know what we’re supposed to be.
Zach Braff: What are you supposed to be?!?! Maya, you’re the Prudential Building, the best building in downtown Newark. Amy, you represent the Newark Airport. And Kenan you’re the Continental Airlines Arena where the Mets play! You guys are the most beloved landmarks in New Jersey!
Andy Samberg: And why am I a sandwhich? Not that I mind!
Zach Braff: Andy, you’re my favorite landmark of all. The Campus Sub Shop in South Orange, New Jersey.
Andy Samberg: Oh, cool, we got to go!
(Andy, Amy, Maya, and Kenan leave the stage and Zach breaks back into song)
Zach Braff: Take a bus to Secaucus, shop some Allen malls, use your EZ pass. Great views of Lady Liberty, if you prefer her ass. She’s actually in New Jersey. I’m taking the Holland Tunnel to the place where oil’s refined. I’m gonna break it down. I’m in a Neeeeeeewwwwwwwww Jersey a state of Miiiiiinnnnndddd!!!! Minnnnndddddd!!!! Miiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnd!!! We’ve got a great show, Maroon 5 is here! Stick around! We’ll be right back! Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnd!!!