SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 09/30/06: Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance

Al Pacino…..Bill Hader
Sasha…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, luxury apartment building, as SUPER appears ]

Announcer: And now, Wells Fargo presents: “Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance.”

[ dissolve to interior, Al Pacino pacing in his kitchen while holding a cellphone to his ear ]

Al Pacino: — Ahhh!! Here we go! [ he paces ] Balance!! [ paces some more ] Balance!! [ sways ] Checking! Alright, here we go. [ holds cellphone away from his head ] Press One for Customer Service! [ presses One, returns cellphone to his ear ] Answering!! [ connection sound clicks ] Alright!! Alright!!

Sasha: Hi, this is Wells Fargo. My name is Sasha, how can I help you today?

Al Pacino: My name is Alfredo J. Pacino, and I got some grief with my moo-lah!! Wassup with that?!!

Sasha: Well, what is the problem?

Al Pacino: The sleeping store won’t take my debit card ’cause it’s actin’ stu-pid!!

Sasha: Well, um, let me just look up your information. What is your account number?

Al Pacino: My account number? I don’t – I don’t know my account number! I want to saaaaaaayyy.. it’s got a 4 in it!

Sasha: Alright, Mr. Pacino. It appears that you have a balance of negative fourteen dollars in your checking account.

Al Pacino: Awwwwwwww.. flabbety-jab! What’s my savings look like?

Sasha: In savings, you actually have — [ checks her computer ] Twelve-point-seven million dollars.

Al Pacino: Aw, that’s good! Uh – so where do we go from here?

Sasha: Would you like me to transfer some money from your savings account? I could do that right now.

Al Pacino: Yeah, yeah, but first, let me ask you – how much would you think it’d cost to buy one of those astronaut mattresses, the kind that comes with the glass of wiiiiine on it?!

Sasha: I-I think they’re pretty expensive. [ chuckles ]

Al Pacino: Expensive? What, like twnety grand?!

Sasha: Uh – no, I would say, maybe, six-hundred dollars?

Al Pacino: Okay! [ slaps the countertop ] I need to transfer six-hundred — [ performing the math of his negative balance in his head ] and twenty dollars into my checking!

Sasha: I’d be glad to do that for you. Um, can I suggest something regarding your account?

Al Pacino: Suggest away, Wells Far-gooo! What’s up?!

Sasha: I see you have over two-hundred transfers this month, and most of them have been under fifty dollars. That’s a lot of service fees.

Al Pacino: Gosh! I’ve gotta have this mattress! When I don’t sleep, I turn into a reeeeeal sonofabitch!!

Sasha: You could transfer larger amounts, less often?

Al Pacino: Listen! where I come from, you keep twenty in your sock, and the rest under the tarp in your craaawl space!!

Sasha: I understand.

Al Pacino: So, why don’t you take six-hundred and twenty from my crawl space – and put it in my SOCK!! Wow-wee!!

Sasha: The deposit will be in your sock by midnight. [ chuckles again ] Can I help you with anything else?

Al Pacino: Sasha! [ a beat ] You are a sharp girl! Don’t ever let the boyyyyys make you feel.. less than.

Sasha: I sure won’t, Mr. Pacino.

Al Pacino: [ snaps his cellphone shut and throws it across the counter ] I’m gonna sleep like an astronaut tonight!! Oh, yeah!! Come on!! [ slinks past the counter ] Walkin’!

[ dissolve to exterior, luxury apartment building, as SUPER appears ]

Announcer: This has been: “Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 09/30/06: An SNL Digital Short: Cubicle Fight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

An SNL Digital Short: Cubicle Fight

Written by: Dane Cook and John Lutz

Boss…..Jason Sudeikis
Gary…..Bill Hader
Steve…..Dane Cook
Andy…..Andy Samberg

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ dissolve to interior, office cubicle setting, as the Boss walks Gary, the new hire, down the cubicle corridor ]

Boss: — I think you’re gonna be pretty happy here. We’ve got a great team, and, from everything I’ve seen, you’re gonna fit in just fine.

Gary: Oh, thank you, sir. I’m excited to get started.

[ the Boss chuckles, as they stop in front of a cubicle where a peeved-looking employee named Steve sits ]

Boss: And this is gonna be your cubicle. Alright? So, just make yourself at home. If you have any questions, I’ll be down the hall.

Gary: Okay.

Boss: Glad to have you. [ exits ] [ Gary and Steve size one another up ] [ cut to wide shot from behind ] [ tag: “CUBICLE FIGHT”, with fight music synthed in the background ]

Steve: [ in deep voice ] Two men enter —

Gary: [ in deep whisper ] One man leaves.

[ they each let out a primal scream and lunge for one another ] [ other employees look up over the cubicles to see what’s going on ] [ Steve holds Gary down on top of the desk ] [ Gary grabs the telephone receiver and smacks Steve across the head ] [ the grab each other in a headlock ]

Boss: Hey, Steve-o?

[ the music stops, as everyone looks over to see the Boss standing there ]

Boss: I’m gonna need that Higgins report on my desk by three.

Steve: You got it, Mr. Cal – sure.

Boss: Mmm-hmm. Gary? You settling in?

Gary: Oh, yes, sir!

[ Gary and Steve chuckle nonchalantly, as the Boss saunters away ] [ the music starts up again, as the cubicle fight continues ]

Gary: [ grabs an envelope and holds it front of Steve’s tongue ] I hate to do this to you, pal – but I really need this job! [ he slices the edge of the envelope across Steve’s tongue ] [ the other employees gasp, as Steve falls back across the desk ] [ Steve grabs a hole-punch, pulls off the bottom piece and blows the looseleaf holes in Gary’s face ] [ Gary covers his eyes, then blindly grabs for a cup of hot coffee on the desk and throws it at Steve. Steve ducks, and the hot coffee burns the face of an errant employee (Fred Armisen) instead. ] [ the music stops as the Boss re-appears ]

Boss: Oh, Gary, I forgot to mention. Uh – bathrooms, down the hall, on the, uh, left. Alright? Gotta get a key from Nancy.

Gary: Thanks!

Boss: [ to Steve ] And, you! Higgins report!

Steve: [ smiles ] On its way!

[ the Boss exits once more, as the music starts up again ] [ Gary grabs a pencil and holds it over Steve like a knife ] [ to save himself, Steve grabs an electric pencil sharpener and aims it for Gary’s pencil, which sharpens it and breaks the point ]

Andy: Steve! Take my Magic 8-Ball! [ tosses it over the cubicle wall ] [ Steve catches the Magic 8-Ball — ]

Steve: Thanks!

[ — and smacks Gary across the head with it ] [ Gary goes down ] [ triumphant, Steve grabs a letter opener and swings it down below the frame ] [ cut to three employees looking over the cubicle wall as a glob of blood splashes across them and hits the wall ] [ the employees are horrified, with mouths agape ] [ cut to tag: “CUBICLE FIGHT” ]

Steve V/O: Wha..? That’s — not too funny —

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts