Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 1
Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance
Al Pacino…..Bill Hader
[ open on exterior, luxury apartment building, as SUPER appears ]
Announcer: And now, Wells Fargo presents: “Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance.”[ dissolve to interior, Al Pacino pacing in his kitchen while holding a cellphone to his ear ]
Al Pacino: — Ahhh!! Here we go! [ he paces ] Balance!! [ paces some more ] Balance!! [ sways ] Checking! Alright, here we go. [ holds cellphone away from his head ] Press One for Customer Service! [ presses One, returns cellphone to his ear ] Answering!! [ connection sound clicks ] Alright!! Alright!!
Sasha: Hi, this is Wells Fargo. My name is Sasha, how can I help you today?
Al Pacino: My name is Alfredo J. Pacino, and I got some grief with my moo-lah!! Wassup with that?!!
Sasha: Well, what is the problem?
Al Pacino: The sleeping store won’t take my debit card ’cause it’s actin’ stu-pid!!
Sasha: Well, um, let me just look up your information. What is your account number?
Al Pacino: My account number? I don’t – I don’t know my account number! I want to saaaaaaayyy.. it’s got a 4 in it!
Sasha: Alright, Mr. Pacino. It appears that you have a balance of negative fourteen dollars in your checking account.
Al Pacino: Awwwwwwww.. flabbety-jab! What’s my savings look like?
Sasha: In savings, you actually have — [ checks her computer ] Twelve-point-seven million dollars.
Al Pacino: Aw, that’s good! Uh – so where do we go from here?
Sasha: Would you like me to transfer some money from your savings account? I could do that right now.
Al Pacino: Yeah, yeah, but first, let me ask you – how much would you think it’d cost to buy one of those astronaut mattresses, the kind that comes with the glass of wiiiiine on it?!
Sasha: I-I think they’re pretty expensive. [ chuckles ]
Al Pacino: Expensive? What, like twnety grand?!
Sasha: Uh – no, I would say, maybe, six-hundred dollars?
Al Pacino: Okay! [ slaps the countertop ] I need to transfer six-hundred — [ performing the math of his negative balance in his head ] and twenty dollars into my checking!
Sasha: I’d be glad to do that for you. Um, can I suggest something regarding your account?
Al Pacino: Suggest away, Wells Far-gooo! What’s up?!
Sasha: I see you have over two-hundred transfers this month, and most of them have been under fifty dollars. That’s a lot of service fees.
Al Pacino: Gosh! I’ve gotta have this mattress! When I don’t sleep, I turn into a reeeeeal sonofabitch!!
Sasha: You could transfer larger amounts, less often?
Al Pacino: Listen! where I come from, you keep twenty in your sock, and the rest under the tarp in your craaawl space!!
Sasha: I understand.
Al Pacino: So, why don’t you take six-hundred and twenty from my crawl space – and put it in my SOCK!! Wow-wee!!
Sasha: The deposit will be in your sock by midnight. [ chuckles again ] Can I help you with anything else?
Al Pacino: Sasha! [ a beat ] You are a sharp girl! Don’t ever let the boyyyyys make you feel.. less than.
Sasha: I sure won’t, Mr. Pacino.
Al Pacino: [ snaps his cellphone shut and throws it across the counter ] I’m gonna sleep like an astronaut tonight!! Oh, yeah!! Come on!! [ slinks past the counter ] Walkin’![ dissolve to exterior, luxury apartment building, as SUPER appears ]
Announcer: This has been: “Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance.”[ fade ]