SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 09/30/06: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

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06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

… Amy Poehler
… Seth Meyers
… Brian Williams
Bill Clinton … Darrell Hammond
Condoleeza Rice … Maya Rudolph
George Allen … Jason Sudeikis
Dustin Diamond … Andy Samberg

[Amy’s at the Update desk alone, when Brian Williams walks in]

Brian Williams: Hey, Amy!

Amy Poehler: Uh, oh! Hey, Brian!

[applause, while Amy looks nervous]

Amy Poehler: Brian, what are you doing here?

Brian Williams: Oh, I am so excited to be anchoring Update with you! It’s been a long wait!

Amy Poehler: Oh, gosh. Uh, did you get my messages?

Brian Williams: You know what? I’ve been busy busy. I’ve been writing a ton of material, and, uh, what did you need?

Amy Poehler: Oh, Brian, we decided to go in another direction.

[Brian looks disappointed, yet he tries to retain positive]

Brian Williams: Oh, uh, oh! Uh… okay!

Amy Poehler: Okay?

[they both look up at Seth walking in]

Seth Meyers: Hey, Brian!

Brian Williams: Hey… Seth! How are ya?

Seth Meyers: Good! Good!

Brian Williams: Good to see ya!

Seth Meyers: Well, uh, sorry it didn’t work out.

Brian Williams: No. Congratulations! It’s, uh, the right guy got the job! This is, uh, this is great!

Seth Meyers: Thank you so much for saying that! It means so much to me!

Brian Williams: Uh, look at you! I mean, it doesn’t look like you have one of these earpieces that anchors wear.

Seth Meyers: Well, I’ll get one. That’s great advice! Thanks! Hey, uh, congratulations on getting the number 1 news anchor!

Brian Williams: Don’t, uh, patronize me, Seth.

Amy Poehler: Hey, Brian. Feel free to stick around for the rest of the show!

Brian Williams: Um, Am’, I’m gonna head home. I have a wife and two kids and someone has to tell them that Daddy’s not going to be on TV tonight.

[Brian walks off as Seth sits down next to Amy. Seth and Amy both look relieved] [Weekend Update then cuts into a two-minute commercial] [montage starts]

Announcer: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories:

Afghanistan’s Hamid Karzai, and Pakistan’s Pervez Musharraf refused to shake hands with each other at Wednesday’s White House Dinner with President Bush. The evening was made even more awkward when Osama Bin Laden showed up unannounced, and with a date! You have no class, Bin Laden!

Federal investigators have found that a 75 million dollar project to build the largest police academy in Iraq has been so badly mismanaged that it is a health risk to recruits. It’s all in the new hilarious new movie, “Police Academy 8: Doing “Asbestos” We Can!”

Seth Meyers: President Bush on Tuesday dismissed his finger pointing, criticizing Bill Clinton that the Bush administration had not been vigorous enough going after Osama Bin Laden, adding, “We’ll let history judge.” Oh, it has! It’s in this book! You commissioned it!
[super reveals the 9/11 Commission Report]

“State of Denial”, a new book by Bob Woodward portrayed defense secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, as an “arrogant, and indecisive bumbler, who will not take responsibility to his mistakes, or won’t even admit any” — although, to his credit, it did say that right on Rumsfeld’s resume.
[Super of resume reads “-Arrogant -Indecisive Bumbler -Won’t Admit Mistakes -Proficient with Quicken and Excel -Won’t Take Responsibility”]

Amy Poehler: Proficient with Quicken…

This last week on Fox News Sunday, President Bill Clinton lashed out on the Bush administration’s anti-terrorism policy, during a confrontational exchange with reporter Chris Wallace. Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, since then defended the Bush administration, strongly disputing Clinton’s claims. Here to discuss the situation are President Bill Clinton and Secretary Condoleeza Rice.

[Condoleeza Rice and Bill Clinton wheel in]

Bill Clinton: Uh, thank you, Amy. Last Sunday on FOX News, I lost my cool. I want to apologize, and I do not like to loose my cool, and I had a full… blown… hissy… fit.

Condoleeza Rice: Mr. President, uh, during your presidency, you failed numerous times to take out Osama Bin Ladan, and in disputing that, I believed you made your statements not out of reason, but out of passion.

Bill Clinton: I’ll admit that I’m passionate, Condi. But, will you admit that you’re not passionate enough? Why do you hold it in, Condi? I saw you with Katie Couric on 60 Minutes, playing that piano! Climbing on the StairMaster. Ohhhh! You were rocking on those stairs! There’s a tiger in there, Condi! And you need to let it out.

Condoleeza Rice: I don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about my personal life.

Bill Clinton: You know, when Chris Wallace smirked at me, I wanted to knock it off his face. But I would kill to see a smirk out of you.

Condoleeza Rice: I don’t smirk!

Bill Clinton: Just give me a little one.

Condoleeza Rice: No!

Bill Clinton: Come on!

[Condoleeza gives a creepy smirk to the camera]

Bill Clinton: You see? There’s nothing wrong with that! Look I saw Katie Couric asking you if there was a man in your life, and I saw you dodging all those personal questions! I had been there! But you need to find someone! And I know that’s hard in our business.

Condoleeza Rice: You know, there was a time when there was someone.

Bill Clinton: I know. I still got the Condi tatoo on my shoulder to prove it. I remember that morning, watching you sleep in the pre-dawn light, knowing that we had to put an end to it. And I tried to be quiet, as I put my pants on. I blew you… I blew you a kiss. And I walked out the door, but not before I left my comprehensive counter-terrorism book on the nightstand.

Condoleeza Rice: No sir, Bill Clinton. The only thing you left me with that morning was a whole lot of heart ache.

Bill Clinton: Eh, you’re probably right. Back then, I was leaving comprehensive counter-terrorism strategies on most of the nightstands in town!

[As Condoleeza looks frustrated, Bill Clinton gives a thumbs up to the crowd]

Amy Poehler: Condoleeza Rice and Bill Clinton, everyone!

Seth Meyers: 7-Eleven Inc. announced on Wednesday that it was dropping Venezuela-Citgo as its gasoline supplier, in the wake of Hugo Chavez’s anti-Bush speech at the UN. 7-Eleven will, however, continue to sell burritos made in a Chinese dungeon.

A South Florida teenager used his father’s credit card to run away from home and back to Cuba. For more on this story, watch “Scarface” in reverse.

Amy Poehler: Oprah Winfrey says her lawyers overreacted when they sent a cease-and-desist letter to a man who, for years, has been urging Winfrey to run for office. In retrospective, she should have just told Stedman to cool it, herself.

President Bush, on Tuesday, reluctantly released portions of the classified report that stated the War on Iraq is adding to the terrorist threat throughout the world, though suspiciously, in many portions of the report, some one had crossed out Iraq, and written in “gay dudes”.

Seth Meyers: After publicly referring to a man of an Indian decent as macocha last month, Virginia senator, George Allen, continues to be dogged by allegations of racism in his past. Here to defend himself is Senator George Allen.

[George Allen scrolls over, using his fingers as guns, and pretends to be shooting them]

George Allen: How y’all doing?! Boy, it is good to be back here on Weekend Update, to clear those allegations of racism! First of all, let me put this whole machocha thing to rest! I like to make up silly words! I just do! Machocha is just a word I made up, that’s means crazy! And for those people out there that are focusing on this, well you’re just acting machocha! What I want to focus on is that I’m just a good old Virginia boy, with Virginia values, that I learned growing up in an affluent part of Southern California!

Now, as far as using the “N” word, I have never used that word! You hear me? Never! But, if I did, I could explain. I play football at the University of Virginia. Some of the black boys use that word in the locker room all the time. Is it so wrong that white players started using it? To talk about the black players? After they had left the locker room? It’s an interesting bojambo! Which is a silly word I made up that means ‘question’! This has been a trying time for me as I have also just found out that my mother’s Jewish! When I was first told this, my initial response was “That’s Machocha!” But then I realized that it’s okay if she’s Jewish, because I definitely am not! I made my pork sandwhich by putting it between to more pieces of pork… if you know what I mean. Not a metaphor, that’s really how I do it. I’m just a good old boy with a cowboy hat and a dip in my mouth that grew up a stone’s throw away from Disney Land!

There’s also been a story surfacing that when I was in college, I put a stuffed deer’s head in a black family’s mail box! Look, what college kid doesn’t drink a few brewskies, then go hunting, kill a deer, saw off his head, then drive into a black neighborhood and shove it in a mail box? Yeah… so that’s a bojambo for me, huh? We were kids! We were acting machocha! And for that I am chackie chonkie, which is a silly word that I just made up that means ‘sorry’! So, there you have it! I’m chackie chonkie, everybody! Ya happy? Boodaloon, Seth! Boodaloon, Amy!

Seth Meyers: Does that mean ‘goodbye’?

George Allen: I’ll never tell!

Seth Meyers: George Allen, everybody!

Amy Poehler: Paleontologists released, last week, the discovery, in Ethiopia, of a well-preserved 3.3 million year old fossil of a three-year old child, which officially ends the longest time-out in recorded history!

Seth Meyers: The Game Show Network is launching a new game called the “National Vocabulary Championship”, which will have contestants measuring word usage and comprehension for forty-thousand dollars. Well, for vocabulary lovers, this is going to be… hold on there’s a perfect word for this… um, oh yeah, I got it, this is gonna be “big”.

In wake of the Senator George Allen controversy, Virginia democratic senate challenger, Jim Webb declined to say on Tuesday whether he had ever used the “N” word. Things did not help when he asked “Does it count if it was in Scrabble?”

Amy Poehler: Rapper, Chingo Bling, is among the hip-hop stars attending Saturday’s Hip-Hop Summit, in Los Angeles, aiming to educate young people on financial literacy. Again, that’s Chingo Bling on Financial Literacy.

Seth Meyers: It was reported this week that Dustin Diamond, who played screech on Saved By The Bell, is releasing a sex tape, in an effort to raise money to save his house from foreclosure. Here to discuss it is Screech, himself, Dustin Diamond.

[Dustin Diamond enters]

Dustin Diamond: Hey! Hey, hey! Hey, everyone, it’s Screech!

Seth Meyers: So, Dustin, I understand you are trying to distribute this tape yourself.

Dustin Diamond: That is correct, Sethly! I’d hope someone else would leak it, but strangely, no one did! I would call Paris Hilton and ask her how she her’s, but I don’t think I have her phone number, or a phone.

Seth Meyers: Well, I’m no expert on sex videos, but I’m sure the fact that you’re dressing like that, doesn’t help.

Dustin Diamond: Don’t worry! I’m not dressed at all in the video! I expose my diamond in the rough!

Seth Meyers: I honestly don’t know if that’s better or worse. But it does say here that you perform a sex act video known as the ‘Dirty Sanchez’?

Dustin Diamond: As a matter of fact, I do! I do it all Seth! The Bay-side slammer! The sloppy Kapouski! The Mark Paul Gargeller! And speaking of which, my new tape, just might feature a surprise visit from one of my old classmates!

Seth Meyers: Oh, yeah! Tiffani-Amber Thiessen?

Dustin Diamond: Nope!

Seth Meyers: Oh… Elizabeth Berkley?

Dustin Diamond: Nope!

Seth Meyers: Mario Lopez?

Dustin Diamond: Warmer!

Seth Meyers: Oh no… please don’t tell me it’s Mr. Belding.

Dustin Diamond: Well, not exactly Mr. Belding, but a guy who looks a lot like him, only slightly less attractive, and way more addicted to heroin!

Seth Meyers: All right! Just get out of here! Dustin Diamond, everyone!

Amy Poehler: Thank you, Screech.

Former infomercial physic, Miss Cleo, revealed in the latest issue of The Advocate, that she is a lesbian. Experts believe that this announcement could be bad for business. Who wants physic who didn’t even know she was gay until she was 50?

Environmentalists warned on Wednesday that tigers will become extinct in the wild within a few years, if governments do not do something to protect these animals now! Well, okay, but on what do you recommend I make love?
[super reveals Amy lying on a tiger mat]

Seth Meyers: A man in Florida, claiming to have a gun, robbed a man of the new Tickle Me Extreme Elmo! Fortunately, the man was subdued by the new Give Me A Reason Bert!
[super reveals a picture with the Muppet, Bert holding a knife]

Seth Meyers: From Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler!

Both: Goodnight!

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 09/30/06: Poland Spring Water

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Poland Spring Water

Dane…..Dane Cook
Will…..Will Forte
Regional Vice-President…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on interior, studio apartment, as Will and Dane sit on a futon chugging from gallon jugs of Poland Spring water. Empty gallon jugs are scattered throughout the apartment. ] [ suddenly, a sharp knock at the door ]

Dane: Who is it?

Voice: It’s Leila Peterson, Regional Vice-President of Poland Spring Water Distribution. Can I come in?

[ the boys gulp in mid-chug, suddenly deathly afraid of the consequences of their indulgences. They look at each other with intense horror. ]

Will: Uhhhhhhhhhhh – one minute, please!

Dane: [ with lightning speed ] What do we do?! What do we do?! what are we gonna do?! what are we gonna do?!

Will: [ stammers ]

Voice: Is something wrong in there?

Dane: Uhhhhhh! N-n-no! No! I’m just — [ glances around the room ] I’m just — boning some lady.. right now!

Will: [ pleased ] Good cover! Good cover!

[ they quickly fumble about the room trying to hide their scattered gallon jugs – inside the fridge, behind a bookcase, inside kitchen cabinets, etc. ]

Will: Just a second! We’re almost there!

Dane: [ begins moaning as if having intense sex ] Ohhhhh, lady!

Will: We’re just about there!

[ they open the futon into the bed position, and cover one of the jugs with the blanket and shape it to look like a tiny person underneath ]

Dane: Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh! Boning a lady!

[ finished, they maintain their dignity and casually open the door to reveal Poland Spring Water’s regional vice-president ]

Regional Vice-President: This a bad time?

Dane: Uh? No. No, no. I’m just – [ motions his fist ] finishing up my bonin’! [ chuckles ]

Regional Vice-President: [ eyes Will suspiciously ]

Will: [ nervous ] I – like to watch. [ shuts the doors, then steps closer to ?? ]

Regional Vice-President: Right. Look, uh – we have received a number of complaint calls from customers on yourroutw who have not received their water. Do you guys have any idea why that might be?

Will: No?

Dane: No!

[ the sound of jugs tumbling offscreen sounds momentarily ]

Regional Vice-President: Do you mind if I take a look around?

[ the boys are speechless for a moment, with mouths agape, until finally speaking up ]

Will: ..No?

Dane: Nah!

[ the regional vice-president takes a couple of steps forward in the studio apartment, her eyes sizing up the perimeter before falling upon the lump on the futon ]

Dane: [ follows her gaze and nervously points to the lump ] That – was the – woman that I was – boning!

Regional Vice-President: Really.

Will: [ nervously ] I’m a witness. [ pause ] I was watching him — [ motions his fist ] do that — [ the regional vice-president barely blinks at his foolishness ] To her —

Regional Vice-President: Yeah. I got it.

Will: [ still pointing at the lump ] Woman.

Dane: [ looks at the lump ] Don’t — [ shrugs his shoulders at the regional vice-president, then leans toward the lump ] worry, baby. Some lady’s just looking around. [ pats the lump ] So – just you sleep! [ straightens out the creases over the lump, clearly identifying the shape of a 5-gallon water jug ][ rubs her hand on her forehead ] I don’t even think I need to ask this, but have you guys made all of your deliveries recently?

Dane: [ defensive ] You don’t have to ask!! [ a beat ] Because we have made all our deliveries! And! That is reflected in.. our delivery report!

Regional Vice-President: [ smiles ] Great! I’d like to take a look at those delivery reports.

[ the two guys stand motionless, stunned by her request. They nervously glance at one another, wince and shrug. ]

Will: O-kayyyy.

[ Will slowly and unassuredly walks toward the closet. He opens the door, as a wall of 5-gallon water jugs tumble toward the floor with a clatter. Many more jugs continue to fall from the ceiling inside the closet, as a panic-stricken WF stares at his bemused regional vice-president. A couple of times, it appears that the last of the jugs have fallen to the floor, only for the cycle to pick up further. After about a minute-and-a-half of this clatter, the charade appears to be over. ]

Will: [ nervously ] Do you have a search warrant?

[ not at all impressed, the regional vice-president reaches over and pulls the bedsheet, revealing the lone 5-gallon water jug resting on the futon ] [ Dane lets out a shriek of absolute shock ]

Dane: We are just as surprised as you are! [ points at the jug ] You lied to me!! You’re not a woman!! You’re a.. watr bottle!! [ grabs for the jug and shakes it ] I will never bone you again!!

Will: I will never watch you get boned!!

Regional Vice-President: Needless to say, you both are fired. [ she turns and leaves ]

Will: [ incredulous ] What?!

Dane: No!

[ the two guys are stunned by what just happened, and try to console one another ]

Will: There, there. She’s gone. Look – even though we lost our jobs, there is one positive thing that’s come out of this.

Dane: What’s that?

Will: Well – I have this friend who works for “Saturday Night Live”, and he loves it when I call him with different ideas that happen to me in my everyday life.

Dane: [ cheering up ] Do you mean that this —

Will: That’s right! I have a feeling he’s gonna flip over this one! He’ll probably submit it word-for-word exactly as it just happened to us!

Dane: [ excited ] Can he use F-bombs on TV?

Will: Nooo. But they can use, like, “nail” or “bone” – he’ll probably go with “bone.”

Dane: [ shakes his head ] That’s not funny at all!

Will: I think bone’s pretty funny.

Dane: Bone! Bone! Boning! Boned! [smiles ] That is pretty funny! I really hope that they use it!

Will: Well, don’t worry – if they don’t, I also have a friend over at “Studio 60.”

Dane: Yeah! I know somebody over at “30 Rock.”

Will: See? We’re all set, then.

Dane: Wait a second! If they’re gonna use this word-for-word, shouldn’t we start saying stuff that’s more interesting?

Will: Oh, don’t worry, they’re only gonna use the funny part – and that ended a looooong time ago.

[ zoom out on the set, to reveal that 5-gallon water jugs are still tumbling out of the closet ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts