SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation: 05/06/07

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation




Gangsta Rap Dance Smashes!: 12/04/93

Richie: Hey, everybody! I know what will REALLY get this party going! [ holds up album ] It’s Jukebox’s collection of Gangsta Rap dance tunes!

Adam McKay: Let’s face it — “SNL” comes from a tradition of, like.. white, snarky, smart-ass comedy. It doesn’t come from that tradition of, like, “Def Comedy Jam.”

[ image: The NFL on Fox: 01/08/94 ]

Jim Downey: You’re never gonna be the voice of Black America, probably.
Black History Month: 02/25/95

[ Ellen Cleghorne and Tim Meadows sit at a desk ]

Ellen Cleghorne: But — on an up note — this marks the first time in the history of “Saturday Night Live” that two African-American cast members have opened the show by saying, in unison…

Both: [enthusiastically put their heads together and shout] Live from New York–!

Chris Farley: [abruptly enters and puts his arms around Ellen and Tim, interrupting] Hey, guys! What’s up?! [audience cheers and applauds for a grinning Farley as Ellen and Tim look glum and upset]

Chris Rock: Their guys would probably rather do a sketch with, you know — about John McLaughlin than Flavor Flav. That’s just — [ laughs ] that’s just — [ laughs ] that’s just, you know, there’s a lot of white guys on this show!


En Vogue performs “Free Your Mind”: 03/21/92

En Vogue: [ singing ] “Before you can read me, you got to learn how to see me
I said free your mind and the rest will follow
Be color blind, don’t be so shallow.
I said free your mind and the rest will follow
Be color blind, don’t be so shallow.”

The Dark Side with Nat X: 11/10/90

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters, and welcome to the show! I’m your host, Nat X! In the next 15 minutes – that’s right, this is the only 15-minute show on TV. Why? Because the man would never give a brother like me a whole half-hour!

Tina Fey: I think black culture has yet to really — really, really — break out on “SNL.”

[ image: World Series: 10/23/93 ]

Tim Meadows: If you don’t have any other.. African-American writers on the staff, then.. you don’t have anybody who really thinks like you.


Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 10/01/94

Tim Meadows: I swear to God, there are only a few things that really get to Tim Meadows: racism, sexism and no hockey!

Tim Meadows: I wouldn’t say it’s tougher, but I would say it’s a little tougher. [ laughs ] [ image: Tim Meadows as Darius Rucker in ABC News Special: 10/21/95 ]
The Ladies Man: 10/04/97

Caller #2: Uh, hello, Ladies Man? Yeah, uh, I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years now, and we like to have sex and all, but —

Leon Phelps: Hey, that sounds good to me!

Caller #2: It gets kind of boring, so is there any way we can, uh, spice up our love life?

Leon Phelps: Well, yes, uh — there are a number of possibilities that you can pursue. Uh — may I suggest you consider the butt?

Caller #2: [ quickly hangs up the phone, eager to take suggestion ]

Rob Smigel: They’ll hire the one black writer for Chris Rock. You know — “He’ll help Chris!”
2 Live Crew Party: 09/29/90

[ Luther Campbell’s agent pours a drink ]

Agent: A lot of these people don’t know how hard it is to write what you write.

Luther Campbell: [ sighs ] Now, people think you can just throw a “lick-lick” here, and a “bitch-bitch” there — “lick there, bitch, bith, bitch, lick it, bitch!” and get a song!

Fred Wolf: It, maybe, didn’t exploit him, but, really, I feel like it brought him out to an audience that came to understand how funny he was.

[ image: Nikey Turkey: 11/17/90 ] [ image: Russell Simmons’ Def Magic Show Jam: 03/20/93 ]

Chris Rock: I remember talking to Eddie Murphy when I first got hired, and I wasn’t getting on, and he just kept saying, “You’ve gotta write Update pieces — man, you gotta do that straight-to-camera, man.”


Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 09/26/92

Chris Rock: You know, I hated school. You know why I hated school? Because I was the only black kid in my grade — the whole grade! I felt like Franklin from the Charlie Brown Show. You ever see Franklin? 25 years, not one line! Nothing! 25 years, man. I mean, everybody on Charlie Brown’s got their own little character that’s all thought out. You know, Linus got the blanket.. Lucy’s a bitch.. Schmoly plays the piano.. Peppermint Patty’s a lesbian. You know? Everybody’s got their thing, except Franklin! Give him something! Damn! Give him a Jamaican accent or something! [ speaks in Jamaican accent: ] “C’mon Charlie Brown leave me alone, mon!” I mean, come on!

Macy Gray performs “I Try”: 01/15/00

Macy Gray: [ singing ] “I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we’re not
I play it off, but I’m dreaming of you
I’ll keep my cool but I’m feenin’.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near.”

Steve Koren: You know, the 90’s was interesting because I think it’s the first time when the show was dominated by former stand-up comedians.

Chris Kattan: Sandler was stand-up, and Spade was stand-up, and it was like a stand-up element. And, uh, Norm — Norm MacDonald was a stand-up.

[ image: Larry King’s News & Views ]

Norm MacDonald: Like, the first season I would just talk straight into the camera, ’cause I knew I — I knew I always knew how to talk into cameras. As you can see. [ laughs ]
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 10/09/93

Norm MacDonald: I was thinking about it the other day, and I realized that what scares me most about going in prison isn’t the loss of freedom or the, uh, stigma, or even the separation from family. For me, the scariest thing about going to prison is, uh — you know, it’s the, uh — you know, the, uh — [ pause ] anal rape! [ waits for the audience to appreciate the joke ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ smiling ] At the time, I was like — no, he’s so good! [ laughs ] The dude is so confident with that great joke, that he’s just going to sit there until people finally get it, and process it, and go: [ exhales ] and just laugh.

David Spade: Stand-ups are good at writing stand-up, but it’s so different. I mean, basically, I would do Weekend Update — and i’d just do my act.


Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 05/07/93

David Spade: By the way, when you’re at a show and the band says, “Here’s something from our new album, why don’t they just say, “Everyone, get up and go to the bathroom.”

David Spade: And then, when I tried to write Hollywood Minute, people said, “You know, you always read these magazines and talk out loud at the writer’s table about this celebrity, or this, or you just kinda make fun of them — try that.” So I put it together, did it at read-through, it killed, and Lorne’s, like, “You found your voice. Love it.”
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 12/04/93

David Spade: Macauley Culkin! Hi. First of all, your dad’s nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something, kid: you’re cute, you’ve got blonde hair, everyone loves you, it’s true. Here’s the catch: I used to look exactly like you when I was ten! Alright? Oh, yeah! [ softly ] Oh, yeah. this is where you’re headed, buddy! Welcome to Hell!

Kevin Nealon: I think you’ll see a lot of stand-ups are more comfortable doing Weekend Update features. Someone like Adam Sandler, or Chris Rock.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 02/18/95

Opera Man: [ pictured: Brad Pitt ] “Brad Pitt sexiest
“People” wrote-o
Operaman say
Recount the vote-o!”

Michael Shoemaker: Adam redefined what it was like to be a cast member, ’cause he didn’t have to be in sketches with people. Adam would score on Adam’s terms.

[ image: Iraqi Pete: 02/16/91 ] [ image: Caracci’s Pizza: 10/03/92 ] [ image: Sleepy Head on Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 03/13/93 ]

Tom Davis: His style of — of comedy was doing these funny, wimpy characters that — that Lorne didn’t get for a while, ’cause he’d read these things at read-through that didn’t seem to be about anything, and there was no jokes, there was just these: [ imitates Adam Sandler ] [ image: Hitting on Women: 04/11/92 ] [ image: Office Thanksgiving Party: 11/21/92 ] [ image: French Class: 02/13/93 ]

But, then, Lorne saw it, and put him on Update with his guitar —

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 02/13/93

Adam Sandler: [ singing ] “My mom bought you when I was just thirteen,
the brightest red sweatshirt I ever seen.
She got an extra large so I wouldn’t grow out,
“That’s too big for you!” the other kids would shout.
But we stuck together, we didn’t quit,
and now the children say, “What a perfect fit.” ”

Kevin Nealon: We played off each other well, because Sandler would do this crazy, absurd character, like, you know — the Halloween guy, or Opera Man, or Cajun Man — it usually ended with “Man”!And, uh — and I would play the straight, uh, news anchor.
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 02/13/93

Adam Sandler: Kevin, please help me out.
[ singing ] “I love you sweeeeatshirt!”

Kevin Nealon: “Red hooded.”

Adam Sandler: “Sweeeeatshirt!”

Kevin Nealon: “Dip, dip, dip.”

Adam Sandler: “Sweeeeatshirt!”

Kevin Nealon: “Shama lama ding dong.”

Adam Sandler: “Sweeeeatshirt!”

Rob Smigel: It was incredibly subversive because his material appeared to be, you know, borderline retarded — [ laughs ] to one section of the audience, because of the subject matter. But, he was doing some of the most inventive stuff that had EVER been done on the show. He was really deconstructing sketch comedy.


Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 10/30/93

Adam Sandler: [ holding a pickle under his nose ] “I’m Crazy Pickle Moustache!”

Rob Smigel: He was kind of exposing character premises, for what they were — which were, you know, naked gimmicks.. that we used to.. make money not having to lift things. [ laughs ]

Michael Shoemaker: By the time we got to the 90’s, these were all pretty original types.
The Dogs: 12/05/92

The Dogs: [ singing ] “But I’m baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!”

Michael Shoemaker: Now, every couple of years we maybe get another Sandler. But, there wasn’t one like him then.


Coming up Next: Saturday Night Dead… Again

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation: 05/06/07



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation







































Tom Davis: For me, it was a changing of the guard, you know? Lorne, wisely, is keeping “Saturday Night Live” about young people.

Rob Smigel: It’s hard to imagine right now, but there were practically no sketches that we did, between ’85 and ’90, that involved teenagers, uh — or things that teenagers watched.

Jimmy Fallon: The 90’s, especially, I think, are the years where it was speaking to me, like I kinda got the jokes, or related to, uh — uh — the references.
Gap Girls: 01/15/93

Lucy: God, I love these fries!

Boss: [ laughing ] If you love’ em so much, why don’t you marry ’em! [ eats some fries ] Can I have some?

LucyUm.. sure, Cindy, go ahead..

Boss: [ munches away ] These are good!

Kristy: Uh.. Cindy, can you leave some for us?

Lucy: I thought you were, um, trying to lose weight?

Boss: [ grabs Lucy’s collar ] Lay off, man, I’m STARVING!


Norm MacDonald: It was a different kind of comedy, and so, uh — some people got it, and some people didn’t! [ laughs ] But, to Lorne’s credit, sometimes he’d say to me, “I don’t get it, but I understand the young people get it.” And, of course, that’s what’s important.
Nirvana performs “Smells Like Teen Spirit”: 01/11/92

Nirvana: [ singing ]“With the lights out,
it’s less dangerous!
Here we are now,
entertain us!
I feel stupid,
and contagious!
Here we are now,
entertain us!
Yea!”

Lorne Michaels: The press, which was primarily baby boomers, writing, uh — and baby boomers owned the show, and there was a kind of a virginity of, uh — “Well, we know what a big “Saturday Night Live” show is, and this is the way you’re supposed to be it.” And the idea that this cast, particularly with Adam and Farley, is that they were playing to their kids. It was a big shift.

Tim Herlihy: It was a weird year because Phil Hartman had left the year before. We almost couldn’t lose anybody more important than him.

Rob Smigel: A lot of people had left. Jan was gone, and Carve was gone. So you lose those core people, and then you’re left with what the show was toward the end of that run. They were great performers, you know, but they were more personality acts.

David Spade: We’re there — they’re saying the show’s horrible, it used to be funny. And then we leave, they go, “You guys were great.” I don’t know. We had one guy — a reporter for New York Magazine, uh — we let him in for two weeks, buddied up with him.. let him into our home.

Steve Koren: We thought he loved the place — he was there, he seemed real happy, hanging out with people, getting drunk with people in the local bar —

Norm MacDonald: And, uh, just laughed hysterically at — especially at Farley and Sandler, because they were so explosively funny.

Steve Koren: Then, suddenly, he comes out with an article — “Saturday Night Dead.”

David Spade: And me, Chris, and Adam were on our way to, you know, go beat him up, old school style. Like: go find him, beat him up, let him know that’s how it is.Everyone was pissed. Lorne stopped us. Lorne said, “I won’t fire you guys.” But it was that — that — that everyone was just that worked up that we got that tricked and that screwed from a guy, um — a guy trying to make a name for himself.

You Think You’re Better Than Me?: 05/13/95

Pete Toman: Hey! Welcome to “You Think You’re Better Than Me?”, the show for regular guys. Not uppity guys who think they’re better than us!

Tim Herlihy: I thought it was really funny here, in ’94-’95. But the ratings really were in, like, freefall. It was very strange that it never, you know — I didn’t know it at the time, but looking back now, and having — you know — it was sort of, you know, a freakish occurrence.
You Think You’re Better Than Me?: 05/13/95

Pete Toman: [ reading from the category: “Cut Off By A Mercedes” ] “You’re driving down the highway, minding your own buisness, and some guy with a ponytail driving a –” [ Danny buzzes in ] Danny?

Danny: Pull up alongside the guy, stick my ass out the window and scream, “You think you’re better than me?!!”

[ correct answer dings ]

Pete Toman: Damn straight! Freakin’ fruitcake with a ponytail!

Michael Shoemaker: The idea that Adam Sandler, who was one of the biggest movie stars coming out of the show, was there during what was considered a “bad” time, or that Mike Myers was — was there in that year, doesn’t really make sense. But, now, people look back and say, like, “Oh, well, those were the good times. It’s this bunch that I don’t care for.” And it’s always that way.

Bill Swerski’s Super Fans: 03/25/95

Tood O’Conner: Oh, you know that “Saturday Night Live” show? Oh, it got way worse. Oh, yeah — it’s just sad. They got that fat guy screamin’ all da time. Come on! Pull da plug on dat freakin’ thing, huh?

Lorne Michaels: It’s interesting because, in that 90’s, there was a sort of perfect storm when the press were beating us up, and the network had, quote unquote, “created” “Friends”. Although, I’m sure the producers of the show had something to do with it. There was just this absolute certainty of where they stood on comedy.

David Koechner: I would argue that, even among that year when people weren’t liking something, every week there was something that someone was talking about, and was memorable.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 04/08/95

Norm MacDonald: This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, the infamous bloody glove was finally introduced into evidence. And O.J. didn’t help his case any by blurting out, “There it is! I’ve been looking all over for that thing!”

Fred Wolf: [ laughs ] Behind the control room, when we were putting on the show, you could just see these executives through the glass window. They would all be relegated to this one area there, and.. they’d be white-faced sometimes, they really would be really worried about some stuff.
Sheryl Crow performs “If It Makes You Happy”: 10/05/96

Sheryl Crow: [ singing ]“If it makes you happy
It can’t be that ba-a-a-a-a-d
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad?”

Michael Shoemaker: It’s even hard to believe now — how much intereference there was — but there was. They had a lot to say, and they were there a lot more.

Lorne Michaels: [ laughs ] We got paid a lot of visits in the mid-90’s, yeah.

Rick Ludwin: Lorne and others on “Saturday Night Live” were asked to come out to the West Coast. Lorne hated that, because, I think, he felt he was being called into the Principal’s office.

Marci Klein: It was a meeting about just who NBC wanted us to fired, and the changes that needed to be made. It was definitely the first time that I had been in a meeting like that.
Total Bastard Airlines: 03/19/94

Steward: Buh-bye.

Stewardess: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Buh-bye.

Steward: Buh-bye.

Marci Klein: They wanted everybody gone. I mean, they wanted all, really, of the stand-up types.
Total Bastard Airlines: 03/19/94

Passenger 2: Uh, excuse me, could you tell me —

Stewardess: Buh-bye. I’m sorry, what part didn’t you understand — the buh or the bye? Buh-bye.

Tim Meadows: Who can work when you — and write comedy — when you are under the impression that you’re going to be fired in the next few weeks? Or, the network doesn’t like you and they don’t want you there?
Total Bastard Airlines: 03/19/94

Passenger 4: [ angry ] What did you say to me?!

Steward: [ defensive ] What?! I said “Buh-bye!” I just said “Buh-bye” 40 times in a row, why would I say anything else, it doesn’t make sense! Did I just say something without knowing it? No! Go! Buh-bye!

Lorne Michaels: Somebody asked Warren Littlefield — in some interview — they asked him about my job, and he said, “Well, everything’s up in the air.” I thought, “Well, that’s — that’s reassuring.”
Total Bastard Airlines: 03/19/94

Steward: Buh-bye.

Passenger 7: I’m gonna be waiting for you outside in the terminal!

Steward: Great! Buh-bye.

Passenger 7: No, no, no, there’s more! I’m gonna pound your face in.

Steward: Okay, slick. Buh-bye.

Passenger 7: I’m gonna destroy you.

Steward: Buh-bye!

Passenger 7: I am gonna kick the crap out of you!!

Steward: Yeah?! Buh-bye!

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Mike Myers: It was not hard to leave. I loved being on the show, but, still, I am honored that I was part of that history. You know? But six years is a long time to do anything. You know?

Kevin Nealon: And I had been there for nine years, too, so it was a long run for me, and I was looking to do something different.

Al Franken: My thing was me. I just said, “Okay, you know, I should grow up and do something else and see what else is out there.” [ laughs ]

Tim Meadows: In retrospect, they got rid of a lot of really good people — Sandler and Farley — yeah, they basically cleaned house that year. And, I think, Spade.. myself.. and Norm MacDonald, probably, were the only ones who came back.

Jimmy Fallon: One of my favorite sketches of all time is when they’re daring each other to jump in a polar bear cage —
The Polar Bear Sketch: 05/13/95

Jay Mohr: Hey, look at this polar bear cage.Hey, you think I can swim the little moat both waysbefore the bear eats me?

Adam Sandler: Five bucks says you can’t.

Jay Mohr: All right. Read ’em and weep, myfriend!

[Mohr jumps the railing into the polar bear pit. Hedisappears from view and we hear a loud splash as hehits the water below.]

Jimmy Fallon: And the next guy jumps in — he got eaten by the polar bear!
The Polar Bear Sketch: 05/13/95

[Sandler climbs the railing and jumps into the pit.]

Adam Sandler: Wheeeee!

[Sandler disappears with a splash.]

Jimmy Fallon: Blood flies in their face —
The Polar Bear Sketch: 05/13/95

[The polar bear roars and eats Sandler who yells “Oh,my God!” Sandler’s blood splashes up on Farley andMacDonald.]

Norm MacDonald: Well, uh, Farley, did you ordid you not hear me tell him that, ah, there was abear still in that cage, eh?

Jimmy Fallon: And then they get in an argument, they’re like, “Well, he’s got all the beer money –“
The Polar Bear Sketch: 05/13/95

Chris Farley: I’m goin’ into the polar bearcage and get myself some wallets so I can get somebeer money! Adios!

[With an incomprehensible exclamation, Farley haulshimself over the railing and falls into the pit with asplash.

Jimmy Fallon: So, really, they were all killing themselves off. But that was one of my favorite sketches, not even knowing that they weren’t going to return. But there was, you know — I — I — I like that. I like it when peoople leave. They say “Thanks,” we say “Thanks,” and now we’re going to have to try and love these new people.
Green Day performs “When I Come Around”: 12/03/94

Green Day: [ singing ]“No time to search the world around
Cause you know where Ill be found
When I come around”

Coming up Next: ’95-’96

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation: 05/06/07



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation



























Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 10/07/95

Norm MacDonald: Thanks! I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Well, it is finally official: murder is legal in the state of California.

Tina Fey: Norm was, probably, the last dangerous cast member. In the good way. In, like, you didn’t know — he might say whatever he wanted.

John Goodman: It was the perfect tone for “Update”, for me, because Norman couldn’t give a damn about anything.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 12/03/94

Norm MacDonald: Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. [waves] Hey, happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap!

Don Ohlmeyer: Norm did, I thought, a terrific job for a couple of years. And then, that season… it just was flat.

Jim Downey: We wanted to be like a punk segment, sort of like — like — in the 70’s, where it was very bare-bones and — and — and not — and no cuteness.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 09/27/97

Norm MacDonald: Well, according to published reports, Michael Jackson’s wife is now pregnant with the pop star’s second child. Asked why he decided to become a father again so soon, Jackson explained that his seven-month-old son is starting to lose his looks. [ some boos ]

Norm MacDonald: [ chuckling ] So, it wasn’t a studio crowd-pleasing… effect. It was never aimed at the studio audience, you know? It was always aimed directly at me. I just wrote what I knew was funny.
Pearl Jam performs “Not For You”: 04/16/94

Pearl Jam: [ singing ]“This is not for you
This is not for you
This is not for you
Oh, never was for you… noooooooo!!!”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 03/15/97

Norm MacDonald: [ finally realizes he’s looking into the wrong camera, looks into the live camera ] You know, it would probably be better if I was over on this camera…

Rick Ludwin: There was a period when Norm was not as well-prepared as he probably should have been… and… “Update” wasn’t ready to be seen at the run-through —
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 03/15/97

Norm MacDonald: [cheers and applause, the view shifts, a grinning Norm turns to the live camera] Okay. Well, now that I’m over on this camera, it’d probably be better if you put the cards over here! [greater cheers and applause]

Rick Ludwin: — which we viewed as a problem.

Lorne Michaels: But… you know, I’ve been there a long time, so I can tell you that there’s some consistency to the disorganization.

Ken Aymong: Don didn’t want Norm doing “Update” any more. [ he shrugs his shoulders ] You know, I wanted it to stop raining. You know? I mean, I didn’t take it as any more than that.

Don Ohlmeyer: You know, having come from a producing and directing background, you know, I always used to hate… network executives who would tell you how to fix a show.

Lorne Michaels: Don had come out of producing, so there was a lot more “I’d do it this way.”

Rick Ludwin: Lorne was always professional, and he would always listen politely, but he would ultimately ignore all the suggestions, which would… make some of the people on the West Coast, uh — angry.
Pearl Jam performs “Not For You”: 04/16/94

Don Ohlmeyer: And I said to Lorne, you know, “We’ve gotta fix this,” and he says, “Well, you know, they’re doing the best they can do.” I said, “Well, if that’s the best they can do, then we’ve gotta get somebody else in there.” And Lorne fought me on it. It was the only thing — in the time that I was there — that we really had knock-down, drag-out arguments about, and he felt that there needed to be a change, but he wanted to wait until the end of the season.


Jim Downey: They pretended to believe that it was going to be an enormously popular decision, for which the public would thank them, and, in fact, the human emnity of the TV critics was really something to see. Time Magazine had a thing about it, and even printed up a little postcard to send to NBC to — to dump on them.

Michael Shoemaker: When it happened, that Norm wasn’t taken off of “Update”, um, I don’t think that any of us expected that that could happen, because, before or since, it’s never been that kind of network. Complete interference. And it came at such a crazy time.

Jim Downey: Mike Shoemaker calls me on the phone and says, “Two things — uh, you and Norm are fired, and, uh, Chris Farley’s dead.”

Michael Shoemaker: It was the Christmas break… Farley had just died… and, I think, Lorne was at the funeral… and… it just all kind of happened.
Garbage performs “When I Grow Up”: 03/20/99

Garbage: [ singing ]“Trying hard to fit among you
Floating out to wonderland
Unprotected
God I’m pregnant
Damn the consequences.

When I grow up
I’ll be stable
When I grow up
I’ll turn the tables.”

Lorne Michaels: I said, at the time, that it was the child that John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd didn’t have. But he — he — you know, when he was a boy, he actually taped his eyebrow up, to try and, uh, look like John Belushi.

Tom Davis: For those of us who lived through the Belushi thing — we just saw it coming. And it was just like looking at a puppy next to a highway.

Al Franken: It’s not like he didn’t try, it’s not like he didn’t try. He must have done… twelve rehabs, or something like that.
Permission to Host: 10/25/97

Chris Farley: But that was then — this is now! This time, I’m not just talking the talk! I’m gonna be walking the walk on this one!

Tim Meadows: [ pats Chris’ back ] And he’s got a GREAT sponsor, who’s here to keep an eye on him.

Chris Farley: Yeah!

[ Chevy Chase enters Lorne’s office ]

Chevy Chase: Hey, Lorne!

Chris Farley: Yes!

[ the audience cheers ]

Lorne Michaels: You’re — you’re Farley’s sponsor? You just got out of Betty Ford!

Chevy Chase: [ chuckles ] Well, that’s neither here nor there, Lorne! The important thing is that Chris has been doing great! [ rubs Chris’ head ] He’s been completely sober for — what? — two weeks.

Chris Farley: Six!

Chevy Chase: Six! Whatever. But what counts is: Chris is not just talking the talk… he’s walking the walk.

Mark McKinney: He had big American fame — BIG american fame. I don’t know, I think that’s pressure. It sounds great, you know, for everyone who dreams of fame, if that’s what you want. But I remember just looking at him, and going, “Uh, that must be tough to handle.”

Alec Baldwin: I think it was John Goodman who once said to me that it’s very hard for the Falstaffian Man to weather that kind of response they get from the public. I mean, Chris told me the same thing. Chris said everywhere he went, he would walk into bars and restaurants for years — just his entire life — and he never paid for a drink. Everywhere got their arm around him, they wrapped ihm in a headlock, they were hugging him and saying, “You! You! Your drink’s on me!” It was like the party just unpacked right in front of you.


Tim Meadows: The last month or so before he passed — I don’t think about that stuff as much. You know? I think about the guy who used to drop his pants when I was coming offstage back at Second City, uh — just to make me laugh! [ he laughs ]

Ken Aymong: It was pretty rough stuff. And then, you know, Phil Hartman, I mean, that’s — that’s beyond words.

Norm MacDonald: They were, like, the happiest guys about performing. They both have their greatest joy in just making people laugh than any performer I’ve ever seen.
Coming up next… Norm Vs. The Network

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation: 05/06/07



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation



























Wayne’s World: 12/05/92

Announcer: You are watching Aurora, Illinois Community Access Channel.

[ jump edit ] [ “Top Ten Things We Love About Bill Clinton” ]

Wayne & Garth: “Wayne’s World! Top Ten! Things We Love! About Bill Clinton!”

[ Garth holds up the “Wayne’s Top Ten” board ]

Wayne: Alright! Okay!

Garth: Yeah!

Wayne: Okay! Number 10: [ Garth pulls the strip ] “Universal Health Care.” I don’t know.. it just seems to make sense these days.

Garth: Right!

[ slide edit ]

Wayne: Alright! Number 6 is: [ Garth pulls the strip ]

Together: “Don’t! Stop! Think-ing a-bout to-mor-row!!”

Garth: We love that song!

Together: NOT!!

Wayne: Hello! Fleetwood Mac? Hello, it’s the 90’s! Here’s a quarter — buy a clue!


Tom Davis: That had to be one of the best years for Lorne, because his first son was born, and “Wayne’s World” was the #1 movie.

Aerosmith performs “Sweet Emotion”: 10/09/93

Dana Carvey: It’s shocking that it became as big as it did. I-I mean, I just didn’t know. I don’t think Mike did, either.


Mike Myers: It was very, very flattering to, uh — you know, think of something in the bath on Sunday, write it up on Tuesday, and then, it’d be somebody saying the words back to you on the following Monday. Uh — it’s a real mind blower.


Michael Shoemaker: “Wayne’s World” really raised the profile of the show, and the ratings were crazy.


Lorne Michaels: It brought another audience to the show. And, ultimately, uh, Mike and Dana and others had movie careers.


Tim Meadows: Coming in the wake of “Wayne’s World”, I think everybody felt that it was their job to get a new character.

The Richmeister: 01/19/91

[ Sting enters the copy room ]

Sting: Hey, Richard.

Richmeister: [ looks up, smiles ] Stiiiiing! Der Stingelhoffer! Making copies! The McStingster! Stingatola! Stiiiiiiing!! [ pause ] Sting-a-ling-a-ding-ding-ding-dong!

Misery II: 02/16/91

Lorne Michaels: — We have this new thing now, with this guy who says people’s names over and over. Like, he would call you “Sheriff.. the Sheriffster.. the Sheriff-rama.. as in, “The Sheriff-rama, on the phone with the Lorne-meister.” Oh, it’s the new thing, people just love it!


Julia Sweeney: It brings you right into the pop-conciousness, uh — you know, the culture — to have a hit character that’s being recurred.

It’s Pat: 11/16/91

Head Trainer: Okay. Age?

Pat: Thirty.

Head Trainer: Height?

Pat: 5′ 8″.

Head Trainer: Sex?

[ they exchange curious glances ]

Pat: Yes! Please! [ giggles coquettishly ] That’s my little JOKE!


Paula Pell: People watch this show, they want something that feels familiar, because that’s one of those things about the show which makes you feel like you’re a part of it. Oh, you haven’t seen this! Oh, you’ve gotta watch! They do this certain thing!”

[ image: Simon: 11/23/91 ] [ image: Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer: 03/14/92 ] [ image: Canteen Boy and the Scout Master: 02/12/93 ]
Bill Swerski’s Super Fans: 11/23/91

Super Fans: [ beer mugs raised ] Da Bears!!

The Tonight Show: 10/27/90

Ed McMahon: You are correct, Sir! Yes!

Coffee Talk: 12/12/92

Linda Richman: I’m a little verklempt!

Daily Affirmation: 02/09/91

Stuart Smalley: — and that’s.. okay!


Tim Meadows: The good thing about a repeating character is that people look forward to seeing it.

Sprockets: 09/29/90

Dieter: Now I am as happy as a little girl!


Tim Meadows: The bad thing about a repeating character — [ smiles ] is that people look forward to seeing it! [ laughs ]
Barenaked Ladies performs “It’s All Been Done”: 02/06/99

Barenaked Ladies: [ singing ]“And if I put my fingers here
And if I say, ‘I love you, dear’
And if I play the same three chords
Will you just yawn and say:

(Whoo-hoo-hoo!)
It’s all been done (whoo-hoo-hoo!)
It’s all been done (whoo-hoo-hoo!)
It’s all been done before!”


Chris Rock: [ laughs ] It’s like, “I’m gonna do EXACTLY what Mike Myers does!”
I’m Chillin’: 04/18/92

Announcer: Live, from the Marcy Projects, it’s “I’m Chillin'”!

Chris Rock: “I’m Chillin'”? He-ey — “Wayne’s World”! Hey, let’s figure out a way to do “Wayne’s World” with a black guy. Okay!
I’m Chillin’: 04/18/92

Onski: I’m your host, Onski. To the highest degree. To the T-O-P. Yo! It’s all about.. muh-wee! And sittin’ by my side is my main man, my toucan Sam, my ace boon coon, my brand new tune, my Vi-dal Sas-soon, my Looney Toon, my Daniel Boone, my ancient room, my big bal-loon, my wrinkled prune, my gold doubloon, my cat in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little Boy blue and the Man in the MIS-SOON — it’s B Fats! Yo, B! Tell ’em how you feel!


Sarah Silverman: I love watching friends perform together, because you can SEE it! And you can really see that with Adam and Spade and Farley and Rob Schneider, and they’re all best friends.

David Spade: The best times for me were: I shared an office with Farley.. and you had to walk through ours to get to a back office, which was Chris Rock and Sandler. So, at all times, I get to be with three of the strongest comedy people out there, aaand.. that makes everyone better because everyone’s trying to make each other laugh.

Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker: 05/08/93

Matt Foley: Now, young man, what do you want to do with your life?

Brian: [ nervous ] I — actually, Matt, I kinda wanna be a writer.

Matt Foley: We-e-e-elll, la-de-freakin’-da! We’ve got ourselves a writer here! [ jumps across the room ] Hey, Dad! I can’t see real good! [ lifts his glasses off and on his face ] Is that Bill Shakespeare over there?

Dad: Well, actually, Matt — Ellen and I have encouraged Brian in his writing.

Matt Foley: Dad, I wish you could just shut your big yapper! [ stumbles back across the room ] Now, I wonder — Brian, from what I’ve heard, you’re using your paper, not for writing, but for rolling doobies!! You’re gonna be doing a lot of doobie-rolling when you’re living in a van down by the river!


David Spade: We went into work, and we just got a sign and an office together. And he’d get bored and finish it and be behind me, going, “David! Turn around!” And I’m be, like, “Dude! If this is Fat Guy in Little Coat again, it’s not funny any more.” And he goes: “Nooo! I swear, it’s new!” [ laughs ] And then I’d turn around — I’ve got my Levi jacket on — Fat Guy in Little Coat! It’s fun-ny! [ whispers ] Don’t you quit on me.


Rob Smigel: Farley and Sandler came in, and then Schneider and Spade as well, but, suddenly, you have these kids who were really turning things upside-down.

Fred Wolf: Those guys had this.. rock-and-roll sensibility, and it became cool. It became.. what everybody was looking for. “How can I get — how can I be a part of all this.. youth culture, and – and the pop culture?” And, “How can I know what’s going on and be hip?” And stuff like that. “I gotta watch ‘Saturday Night Live.'”

Lunch Lady Land: 01/15/93

Adam Sandler: [ singing ]“Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe yeah
Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe ooh-yeah

(with Chris Farley)

Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe yeah
Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe -YEAH!”


Norm MacDonald: When Chris and Adam were together, that was my favorite thing to watch. Because they loved each other so much, and Chris would always try to make Adam laugh —
Zagat’s: 05/13/95

Beverly: [ reading ] “The City Steakhouse serves the best beef in town, their sensual setting will set the mood for any romantic rendez-vous” Oh, hear that Hank?

[ Beverly rubs Hank’s leg while giving another giant smile, Adam Sandler starts cracking up ]

Hank: Give me cancer NOW, God!


Fred Wolf: When Farley’s name came up, it was unanimous agreement — he’s the funniest. And – and, in a sense, it’s probably liberating for all those guys to be able to say, “Well, yeah, HE’S the funniest!”
Men’s Jazz Dancing Ensemble: 02/20/93

[ Farley spins and falls ]

Chris Rock: Farley didn’t have to write. Farley pretty much had every writer – [ laughs ] on the show kind of worked for him!

Jim Downey: Physically, he was — he had no problem risking his life for comedy.

[ image: Giuliani’s Inauguration: 01/08/93 ] [ image: NRA Theater: 05/11/91 ] [ image: Motivational Santa: 12/11/93 ] [ image: Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker: 05/08/93 ] [ image: Matt Foley in Prison: 02/19/94 ]

David Spade: Basically, it’s, like, “Uh, by the way, we’re gonna do that again, but don’t put your hands down. Just hit the table with your face.” “Got it!” [ makes crashing sound effect ]

Rob Smigel: And, one of the funniest things about him, that’s illustrated in the Chippendale’s sketch — that Downey wrote — was, uh, you know, to see a guy that fat be that athletic and nimble. It’s just.. breahtaking! That’s still, probably, one of the five funniest moments in the history of the show.

Chippendale’s: 10/27/90

[ Farley dances alongside Patrick Swayze ]

Coming up Next: The Stand Ups

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation: 05/06/07



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

















Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight: 12/14/91

Steve Martin: My old King Tut costume.. I remember this. This was back when the show meant something.. Back when I used to care..

Molly Shannon: It was just at a point in my life where I felt like nothing could stop me. I was just determined to make it work. Because I knew how lucky I was, you know, to, to have gotten there.
Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight: 12/14/91

[ Steve Martin and the cast dance past Lorne Michaels, who’s recieving a pedicure ]

Lorne Michaels: Steve, what’s going on?

Steve Martin: We’re going to do our best tonight, Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: What? Steve, the show’s on automatic pilot. I don’t even come in until Saturday.

Steve Martin: Lorne, don’t you see? That’s not the way it was in the 70’s. Back in the 70’s, people cared. They believed in something! Now it’s the 80’s, and everything’s yuppie, yuppie, yuppie.. spend, spend, spend!

Lorne Michaels: Steve, it’s the 90’s.

Steve Martin: Whatever. The point is:

“I’ve always wanted to see
How good I could be.
I just want to know.”

Lorne Michaels:
“Then go, Steve, go
And do a great sho-o-o-o-o-o-o-owwwwww!!”

Steve Martin: Thank you, Lorne! I never felt so alive!


Mike Myers: I got a call and was, you know: “Hi, it’s Lorne Michaels.” And I was, like, I thought it was my brother, Paul — he was really good at impressions! And, he said, you know, “Would you like to be on the show?” And I said, “Yes. Please.”Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight: 12/14/91

Steve Martin: “But 20% won’t do tonight!”

Mike Myers: [ stepping out ] “Mr. Martin, I’ll do it for you tonight!”

Julia Sweeney: [ steps out as Pat, but strips herself of the characterand costume ]“Gonna do something different tonight.
Something says not to just do Pat tonight!”


Chris Kattan: I said, “Yeah.” I said, “When do I go in and start?” He said it’d be next week, like, literally. I said, “Wow! But, do I, you know –?” It was, literally, like, “Pack your bags.” It’s like Jerry the mouse, in “Tom & Jerry.” Like: [ imitates instrumentation from “Tom & Jerry” cartoons ]
Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight: 12/14/91

Tim Meadows:
“I don’t have any lines.
I’m not in the show.
But something tells me that if I were
I’d be raring to go-o-o-o-o!”

Chris Farley:
“Not gonna get liquored up tonight!
I’m not gonna have a drink tonight!
I’m not gonna drink ’til “Update” is through.
That’s a promise to you, the viewer!”


Tim Meadows: You know, I’m sure, like everyone says, I felt like I had snuck one by them, like they were gonna go, “What is he doing here?”
Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight: 12/14/91

Phil Hartman: [ steps out, holding up a wig and piece of make-up ]“I hide behind these wigs and this make-up
But tonight I’m gonna let myself shine through.
Yes, they’re gonna see the real Phil Hartman tonight!”

Steve Martin: I wouldn’t do that, Phil.

Phil Hartman: Okay.


Will Ferrell: Lorne, being obviously sarcastic, but really funny, was, like, “No pressure, but the whole show’s riding on your shoulders.” [ laughs ]
Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight: 12/14/91

Cast:
“We’re gonna learn our lines, do our parts well
Then we’ll go back to coasting
But not while Steve’s host
‘Cause.. we’re..
Not gonna phone it in tonight.
Not gonna sleepwalk through tonight!”

Steve Martin: “I made it happen!”

Cast: “Steve made it happen!”

Steve Martin: “Now it’s in sight!”

Cast: “Now it’s in sight!”

Steve Martin: “Live, from New York –” [ stuck ] Line? [ Cue Card Man points to “It’s New York!” on cue card ] “It’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiiight!!!!!”



The Sinatra Group: 01/19/91

Frank Sinatra: Let’s start with the chick. What gives, cue ball? I’m looking at you, I’m thinking: fourteen in the side pocket!

Sinead O’Connor: I can’t believe you’re talking about my hair, with all the bloody starvation and suffering in the world right now.

Frank Sinatra: [ mimes a sad, whiny violin solo ] Come on! Swing, baby, you’re platinum!


Al Franken: “SNL” came into the 90’s in a really strong way.

Alec Baldwin: They had a great cast. A great cast.

Tina Fey: Maybe the best cast EVER, top to bottom.

Chris Rock: It was the Yankees. I mean, we were.. good.

Mike Myers: And the writing was so good. All the writers were great: Smigel, The Turners, Jack Handey, Conan. You know, I was just, like — it’s an embarrassment of riches.

Al Franken V/O: It’s a — a confident and happy a show as I’ve been on.
R.E.M. & Kate Pierson perform “Shiny Happy People”: 04/13/91

R.E.M. & Kate Pierson: [ singing ]“Shiny happy people holding hands.
(Shiny happy people holding hands)
Shiny happy people laughing.”

Fred Wolf: The ratings were high because, uh — “Wayne’s World” was out there, and the “Church Ladys” were going on, and there was a BIG collection of really charismatic people on cast and as featured players.

[ image: Wayne’s World (01/19/91) ] [ image: Church Chat (12/01/90) ] [ image: group sketch, 1990 season ] [ image: White Trash Bed & Breakfast (10/27/90) ]

Kevin Nealon: We started off in the 80’s with, I think, maybe, eight people in the cast. And, uh — and then it, uh, stretched to about eighteen by the early 90’s.

Lorne Michaels: I neverwanted to be in that position again, of, uh — of having to replace everybody at the same time. And, so, we began to, sort of, bring people in as featured players.

Michael Shoemaker: So, it was: Schneider, Spade, Rock and Farley, Julia, Sandler, Meadows. It’s a full cast, added to what was already a full cast.
Steve Martin’s Monologue: 12/14/91

Steve Martin: I love being back here on the show, with a cast I love so much.. the regulars.. Kevin, Dana, Phil.. uh.. Victoria.. and the newer cast members.. Ramone.. Tina.. Frosty.. and Spunky.

Steve Koren: It was a little crowded. You start writing sketches, you know, involving, you know, Army units — [ laughs ] parades.

[ image: Make You Think (04/18/92) ] [ image: Subliminal Military Briefing (02/16/91) ] [ image: 17th Annual Star Trek Convention (03/14/92) ]

Tim Meadows: I think part of it was.. new people coming in to a situation where there had been a lot of veterans.
Dick Clark’s Receptionist: 02/22/92

Receptionist: And you are..?

Jesus: I am the Lord. I have come to get on the airwaves that Richard Clark controls, so that I may tell the world that I have come back, as I promised.

Receptionist: Okay, now.. did you have an appointment, orrr..?

Jesus: But, my son, don’t you know Me from the Bible?

Receptionist: I’m not a big reader. I tell you, if you could just have a seat.


David Spade: Even Lorne said, “Everyone’s gonna tell you you should be on the show more. Everyone’s gonna tell you you’re the funniest one on the show. [ a beat ] You’re not.” [ laughs ] And I go, “Ahhhh, ohh.”

Dana Carvey: So, one week — [ laughs ] you’re in the show, and then your well-meaning friends will call you next week, when you’re not on the show: “Yuo got SCREWED, man!! What are they putting THAT on for?! Man, they’re screwing you.” You know — and, you’ve got to really resist that.
Dysfunctional Family Feud: 10/26/91

Announcer: Let’s start the “Dysfunctional Family Feud”!

Tim Meadows V/O: And, so, I think, there’s a sort of competition that the show naturally builds.
Dysfunctional Family Feud: 10/26/91

William Thorton: I’m gonna go out on my own, Ray, and say, “I bet you think you’re smarter than me now.”

Chip Thorton: [ complaining ] Oh, Daaad..

William Thorton: Do you have a problem with that?

Chip Thorton: No, sir.. good answer, sir..


Julia Sweeney: I look at these reality shows now — like, “Project Runway”, or something — [ laughs ] and I think, “Yeah!” I mean, they — that creating competition DOES make people creative.

Michael Shoemaker: When you have a lot of people, the trick is getting on. So, you have to sell what they’re buying. So, topical was always preferred.
A Message From the President of the United States: 12/15/90

President George Bush: None of us want war in that whole area out over there. But as commander-in- chief. I am ever cognizant of my authority to launch a full-scale orgy of death there in the desert sands. Probably won’t, but then again, I might.

Dana Carvey: A lot of sketches are just at the right time in the right place. I think that’s one of the sustaining elements of the show. It’s a cathartic release. You know, the idea of, like, this is what the country’s thinking. But we don’t know we’re thinking it ’til now we see it presented. [ smiles ] Gee, I’m sounding pretty smart!

[ image: Desert Storm Press Briefing (02/09/91) ] [ image: Turkish Storekeeper (03/13/93) ] [ image: Godfather Bush (01/12/91)

Dave Matthews Band performs “So Much To Say”: 04/20/96

Dave Matthews Band: [ singing ]So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say.”

Sarah Silverman: It informs your life so much growing up. People get their news from it! [ laughs ] You know, kids definitely get the news from it!

[ image: Mobile Uplink Unit, Weekend Update (01/19/91) ]
Pumping Up With Hans & Franz: 03/23/91

Franz: Listen! Hear me now and believe me later — we are TIRED of waiting for the allies to start the ground war! So it’s time for us to begin —

Together: Operation [ they clap ] Muscle Storm!!

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller: How can we be that afraid of a man who sits like this?

Al Franken: It’s half the reason to do a live show, is that you can comment on what happened that week.
Mr. Subliminal: 12/08/90

Mr. Subliminal: What should the U.S. do about Saddam Hussein? (Lobotomy) What strategy has been the congressional-approved economic sanction? (Waste of time) Because, obviously, nobody wants war. (Republicans) According to President Bush — According to President Bush, nothing is more important than human lives. (Oil) But I think, to avoid war — to avoid war, we need to give Hussein a face-saving way to Kuwait. (Body bag) And I have to say —


Lorne Michaels: If you’re not about what people are thinking that week, then I don’t think that you have any relevance.

Colin Quinn: Like, I remember sitting there on Saurday night, eight o’clock, and Lorne would call you into the office and go: “This just happened.” You know? “THey just had this invasion here.” Or, whatever. Adn you’re trying to get it in — either in the Cold Opening, or an Update. Adn that really keeps it.. LIVE! Because it’s right up to that time it goes on the air.
Wayne’s World: 01/19/91

Wayne & Garth: [ singing ] “Wayne’s World! Special Report! Party Time! Excellent!”

Mike Myers: When the Gulf War broke out, I was doing a “Wayne’s World” cold opening, and.. we had to rewrite it.. thirty-three seconds before we went to air, because.. there was the possibility of massive casualties — nobody knew what it was gonna be. And so we just tried to approach it humbly, and go, “We’re just two kids, watching it on TV like everybody’s watching it on TV.”
Wayne’s World: 01/19/91

Wayne: The first time I heard the word “Scud”, I thought it was like, you know, when you see, like, a really pretty chick walking down the street, you know, about 30 feet away, and you go, “Hello! Babe alert!” Right? But when you get closer, you go, “Oh, my God! She’s a scud!”

Coming up Next: The Debates.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation: 05/06/07



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation
















Dana Carvey: I’m on the telephone — to Jon Lovitz — in L.A. — uh — call-waiting — “Uh.. hello?” And it’s just like this: “This is the White House, Operator Number One. Hold for the President.” So I go back to jon Lovitz, I go, “Jon, I got a bigger name on the phone.” He goes, “Who is it?” I go, “Well, it’s the President calling.” “Oh, I see. So I’m not your friend any more?” So, anyway — so then, Goerge Bush, Sr. — with an H — gets on the phone: “Love to have you come out.” So, uh — long story short, I go out there, and there’s the President, the First Lady, and he goes, “Why don’t you do that impression that you do, with me, right here, right now? Love to hear it!” And, I’m like, “God, it’s not very good!” “DO IT!” No, no! [ chuckles ]

Darrell Hammond: It’s difficult to comprehend that, first of all, these people know your name; and, secondly, that they want you to ocme hang out with them. You know, like, I’ve been in the Oval Office. It’s bizarre. It’s just larger than life.

Ana Gasteyer: You know, I was a childhood friend of Amy Carter’s. I grew up in Washington, D.C. And I have a vivid memory of President Carter sitting in the White House living room, watching the impression of himself, and laughing hysterically. And being so aware of “SNL” as, like, this piece of cultural reflection. Like, nobody did that before then.”

[ image: Ask President Carter (03/12/77) ]
Blues Traveler performs “Hook”: 09/30/95

Blues Traveler: [ singing ]“Because the hook brings you back
I ain’t tellin’ you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely.”

Steve Koren: I would have to say, the greatest political, sort of, writers that I knew at the time was Al Franken and Jim Downey. And you had these two guys who had written some of the original sketches. So, you really had quite a.. brain trust there ready to write.

Jim Downey: I love it when thesubject matter is politics, and it’s just funny, silly.. an archaic kind of, uh — indiscriminately mean!
Clarence Thomas Hearings: 10/12/91

Sen. Joseph Biden: [Judge Thomas], you did ask Ms. Hill out on a date?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Uh.. yes, I did.

Sen. Joseph Biden: Did you just go right up and ask her? Or did you have one of her friends tell her that you thought she was cute?

Judge Clarence Thomas: I just walked right up and asked her.

[ the committee whisper amongst themselves ]

Sen. Edward Kennedy: Were you, uh, drunk at the time?


Michael Shoemaker: I remember Al and Jim, like, as they would look at casts: “He can play a senator. He can play a senator. Sandler? Not so much.” [ laughs ] It’s okay!

[ image: Clarence Thomas Hearings (10/12/91): Dana Carvey as Sen. Strom Thurmond. ] [ image: Clarence Thomas Hearings (10/12/91): Chris Farley as Sen. Howell Heflin. ]
The McLaughlin Group: 03/21/92

Announcer: From the nation’s capital, “The McLaughlin Group.”

Ana Gasteyer: It’s the responsibility of the show to be clever about what’s happening in society, whatever that may be. If it’s boring, our job is to make it interesting!

Colin Quinn: Just to take a C-SPAN thing, and actually make it a recurring sketch, was pretty amazing.
The McLaughlin Group: 03/21/92

John McLaughlin: Issue Two!! On a scale of 1 to 10 — 1 being pathetically inadequate, and 10 being painfully inept — how would you rate the Buchanan campaign? Jack Germond-nobody!

Jack Germond: I’d say.. about a 5.

John McLaughlin: WROOONNGG!! Morton Salt — when it rains, it pours!

Morton Kondracke: I’d give it an 8.

John McLaughlin: WROOONNGG!! Patty “Rebuke”-chanan!

Pat Buchanan: Well, John, the campaign isn’t actually over

John McLaughlin: WROOOOONNNGGG!! It was over weeks ago, you just haven’t been not-i-fied!


Colin Quinn: To this day, I watch “The McLaughlin Group” because of the original “SNL” sketches.
Debate ’92: 10/10/92

Announcer: “Debate ’92: The Challenge to Avoid Saying Something Stupid.”
Al Franken: And, at a certain point, the debate became a tradition.

Jim Downey: The election stuff is – is a godsend. Especially if a lot of people are running.
Debate ’92: 10/10/92

Jane Pauley: Now, let’s meet the candidates. Gentlemen?

[ the three candidates enter the arena and stand behind their respective podiums ]

Kevin Nealon: I remember our ratings were particularly high during the election years. People really starting tuning in, and they liked seeing spoofs of different politicians.
Debate ’92: 10/10/92

Sam Donaldson: Governor Clinton, let’s be frank. You’re running forpresident, yet [ jump edit ] the main streets of your capital city, Little Rock, aresomething out of L’il Abner, with buxom underage girls in cutoff denimsprancing around in front of Jethro and Billy Bob, while corncob-pipe-smoking,shotgun-toting grannies fire indiscriminantly at runaway hogs.

Bill Clinton: I’m sorry, Sam, do you have a question?

[ jump edit ]

Ross Perot: Why are we talking about Arkansas? Hell,everybody knows that all they got down there is a bunch of ignorant inbredcrackerheads! Peckerwoods, catch me? Now, can we talk about the deficit?While we’ve been jabbering, our deficit has increased by half a milliondollars. That’s enough to buy a still and a new outhouse for every familyin Little Rock!

Bill Clinton: Will you shut up!

Ross Perot: Hold it there, cracker boy, I’m not finished!

George Bush: Now, you see that right there? You see that? It kind of makes you wonder whether these men have the temperament to be president. Would you tell Prime MinisterMajor to shut up? Would you call Boris Yeltsin a “Crackerhead”?


Rob Smigel: By the time the election is coming close, we’ve established which performer is — [ laughs ] playing which character! And then, it’s almost like, you know, an election between those two actors. Because, whoever wins is going to have a gig for the next four years, if he wants it.
Clinton at McDonald’s: 12/05/92

Bill Clinton: Alright, boys, let’s stop in here for a second. I’m a little parched from the fog.

Secret Service Agent #1: Sir, we’ve only been jogging for three blocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fast food places.

Bill Clinton: Well, I just want to mingle with the American people, talk with some real folks — and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something.

Secret Service Agent #1: Fine. But please don’t tell Mrs. Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something — there’s gonna be a whole BUNCH of things we don’t tell Mrs. Clinton!


Lorne Michaels: In the history of the show, I think Democrats are much more surprised when they’re in any way, uh, attacked — or, what they think was an attack — by show business people. I think Republicans aren’t — [ shakes his head ] don’t seem — [ chuckles ] Wait a minute! — To be surprised by it!
A Message From the Former President of the United States: 10/22/94

Announcer: The following is a message from the Former President of the United States.

George Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is George Bush. I was your president from 1989 to 1993. And, during that time, “Saturday Night Live” made fun of me on a fairly regular basis. Do I have any hard feelings about that? Yes, I do. But I’ll have my revenge, when the time is right. Not now — wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture. But revenge will be mine.

Coming up Next: Season ’92-’93

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation: 05/06/07



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation

















Paula Pell: It’s always ben such a saving grace for the show when there’s… interesting, screwed-up things going on in our world, and we can reflect on it.
Gin Blossoms perform “Follow You Down”: 03/23/96

Gin Blossoms: [ singing ]“Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
I’ll follow you down, but not that far.”

??: The stuff in the 90’s was, like, intersecting with politics.. it was intersecting with crime.. it was intersecting with sports. So it felt like we could really do a rich show that kind of covered American life.

Will Ferrell: When we were doing it right — when we weren’t just making the obvious choice, we were actually throwing these kind of dubious characters into situations that made it really funny.
Unabomber Class Reunion: 04/13/96

FBI Agent #1: You have ten minutes, Ted!

Ted Kaczynski: Fellas, thanks again for letting me come to this — a class reunion doesn’t happen very often! And, I tell ya, it feels like I never left!

James: [ approaching ] Oh, my God! Don’t tell me.. don’t tell me.. uh.. uh..

Ted Kaczynski: [ covers his nametag ] No peeking!

James: [ laughs ] Ted Kaczynski! Where did they find you?!

[ they hug ]

Ted Kaczynski: Jimmy Mallory, you old pool shark! How the hell are you?

James: Not bad.. So, what have you been up to?

Ted Kaczynski: I’ve been doing a lot of writing..

James: Yeah, really? You, uh, get anything published?

Ted Kaczynski: Yeah. One thing.

Adam McKay: To play the bogeyman — to play the Devil as a goofball — is just a fun game to do, you know? and then you get the right performer doing it, and, all of a sudden, you can start having a run with these characters.

Steve Higgins: Everything about Ted Kaczynski was just so… insane. Because he was more like a character we’d create, than a real human.


Unabomber Defense Plan: 01/17/98

Ted Kaczynski: [ stands ] Terrific! Great! I think that went well!

Steve Higgins: Who else to play that, but Will?

Norm MacDonald: As soon as I saw him, I thought, “This guy is like Chevy.” Because he’s an all-American guy, but he has this, like, incredible subversive streak in him.
The Terry Gantner Family Workout: 12/07/96

Terry Gantner: [ punches board, breaking Terry’s hand instead of the board ] Oh, God! Oh.. God! Oh, sweet God! Sweet bastard! Oh, my God! What kind of wood was that!!

Julian Gantner: Dad, are you all right?

Terry Gantner: What kind of wood was that! What kind of wood was that!! Sweet God!


Molly Shannon: Will’s a great writer, too. I loved writing stuff with him, because he’s so supportive, and if you say any crazy things like, “That’s great!” he’ll say, “We’ll be crazy together.” Um — I think we share a similar dark sensibility.
Dog Show: 12/05/98

David Larry: Hello, and welcome to “Dog Show” —

Miss Colleen: A show for people —

David Larry: About dogs —

Miss Colleen: Starring one dog —

David Larry: And one dirty dog.

Miss Colleen: That’s right — that’s me.I’m Miss Colleen, and I! Like! Huh-dogs! [ she dives forward ]

David Larry: And I’m David Larry. And I like dogs. As usual, I’m sitting next to my special dog friend — [ the dog dives into David’s drums ] Mr. Bojangles – -who is actually a girl. But I gave her a boy’s name. Because I’m playing a TRICK on her!

Will Ferrell: “Dog Show”? It was really funny-strange.. but we somehow tricked Lorne into thinking it was funny-ha-ha. Adn he would put it on in the heart of the show. Or, sometimes, it would be the second sketch up. [ he laughs ]We’d just look at each other, like… “How did we fool him?” ‘Cause we’re holding these little tiny dogs, but —

Adam McKay: And that was sort of the power of Will Ferrell, and that’s why all the writers, like, loved him and wrote for him endlessly. Because he broke that barrier between funny-strange and funny-ha-ha.

Mark McKinney: He is the kind of spirit of crazy that you want, and, at the same time, you know, none of the, you know, sort of darker personal issues that usually haunt that type of person. He was always friendly, always accessible. You always felt like Will was your bud.

Ana Gasteyer: Probably the most popular people in the workplace are like, you know — Will Ferrell has this, just impossible-to-replicate calm and confidence about whathe’s doing. And it’s contagious.

Adam McKay: The game was mot: “Look how funny I am.” The game was: “We like to play with each other.”

Marci Klein: Every night, they were doing improv… and improv games and theater games. It was just completely different.

Steve Higgins: The more you know somebody, the more you know how they’re funny in a way that people haven’t seen before. Norm and I were hanging out in his office one day, playing a game where he had words and you had to do an impression of somebody saying the same sentence, and he did Burt Reynolds doing it, and we’d go, “Well, there you go! So how can we get Burt Reynolds on TV?”


Norm MacDonald: And they wanted me to do Burt Reynolds now, with a grey beard, and I said, “No, let’s do it in the 70’s, ’cause that’s when I loved him the most.”
Celebrity Jeopardy: 10/23/99

Alex Trebek: [ as Burt Reynolds walks up wearing a large hat ] Mr. Reynolds, what are you doing?

Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha! Yeah, I found this backstage, an over-sized hat. It’s funny.

Alex Trebek: No, it’s not!

Burt Reynolds: Sure it is. It’s funny. It’s funny because it’s ah, bigger than, ah.. [ clears throat ] ..you know, a normal hat.

Alex Trebek: Uh, I see that. Get back to your podium.

Will Ferrell: The “Jeopardy” sketch, to me, is the spirit of “Saturday Night Live.” It’s, like, you know, the whole cast is working at one time, and there’s really some clever writing going on…
Celebrity Jeopardy: 03/20/99

Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, why don’t you pick a category?

Sean Connery: I’ve got to ask you about the Penis Mightier.

Alex Trebek: What? No. No, no, that is The Pen is Mightier.

Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek. What matters is does it work?

Darrell Hammond: And none of it really ever made any sense. It made no sense that Connery didn’t know the answers… and it made no sense that he had such an intense dislike for Alex Trebek…
Celebrity Jeopardy: 10/23/99

Alex Trebek: “This is the sound a doggy makes.” [ Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Moo. [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: Well, that’s the sound your mother made last night! [ laughs ]

Darrell Hammond: It’s the most popular thing I’ve ever done. It’s the thing people know most about me when they come to my shows.

Norm MacDonald: And then one time, I was talking to Burt Reynolds, and he said he wanted to come on the show while I was doing “Celebrity Jeopardy”, and then, uh, punch me in the face and take over… and then, he’d be even stupider — but then I got fired, and so he couldn’t do it!
Coming up next… Norm Vs. The Network

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Shia LaBeouf: 05/10/08: Shia LaBeouf’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11





07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

Shia LaBeouf’s Monologue

…..Shia LaBeouf
Man in Audience…..Jason Sudeikis
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Short Round…..Amy Poehler
Major Toht…..Will Forte

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Shia LaBeouf!

(cheers and applause)

Shia LaBeouf: Okay! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s really awesome to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live again. As some of you might know, I’m lucky enough to have a role in the new “Indiana Jones” movie, which is absolutely a dream come true. [ audience cheers ] It’s called “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” Now, there have been a lot of rumors on the Internet about the plot, but I am sworn to secrecy. All I can tell you is that it stars Harrison Ford as a white male between the ages of 10 and 100, and that’s it. So, I can take questions, but nothing else about the movie, okay?

Man in Audience: [ raises hand ] Hey, how’s the movie end?

Shia LaBeouf: I obviously can’t tell you that.

Man in Audience: Okay, okay, all right. What if I guessed the ending? Would you tell me if I’m right?

Shia LaBeouf: Yeah, sure. I mean, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have been working on this ending for 15 years, but go ahead. Guess away.

Man in Audience: Okay. Well, I have no idea who they are, but let me give it a shot. Okay, I think you’re actually the son of Indiana Jones.

Shia LaBeouf: Uh-huh.

Man in Audience: Yeah, and you’ve got a cryptic tattoo on your back that reveals the location of the crystal skull, but it turns out “crystal skull” is actually an anagram for “All our sky cults,” which refers to an ancient secret society living in a magical cloud city.

Shia LaBeouf: [ nervous ] Um…we’re going to stop playing this game now, okay? We’re wasting everyone’s time. Ah, we’re going to leave it a secret. The ending’s a secret. We’ll leave it at that.

Sean Connery: [ enters ] Well, well, well. I got a question for ya. [ audience cheers ] I got a question for ya, LaBeouf.

Shia LaBeouf: Mm?

Sean Connery: Why did they send a boy to do a man’s job?

Shia LaBeouf: Unfortunately, Mr. Connery won’t be joining us in the latest Indiana Jones adventure.

Sean Connery: Ah, well, not until you and your elk apologize.

Shia LaBeouf: Mr. Connery, I’ve already told you a million times; I had nothing to do with your face being left off “The Last Crusade” lunch box, okay? I was four years old when that happened.

Sean Connery: Well, you understand my chagrin. It’s just about the only box my face hasn’t been on! Hahahahahaha! [ audience cheers ] Pow!

Shia LaBeouf: Okay. So, yeah, there’s no Sean Connery. But I think everyone else is back.

Short Round: [ enters ] Dr. Jones! Dr. Jones! Dr. Jones! They…they forgot me too! Why didn’t you cast Shorty?

Shia LaBeouf: Yeah, well, I don’t think it makes a whole lot of sense for your character to be in this movie, Shorty.

Short Round: So what? I got range! I could play soldier. [ marches] I could play monster. [ does a scary pose ] I could even play Indiana Jones! You throw me idol; I throw you whip!

Shia LaBeouf: …Right! So Shorty’s not in the movie, but otherwise, we’ve got all your favorites.

Major Toht: [ enters with melted face ] I guess I didn’t make ze cut.

Shia LaBeouf: Oh my God! Oh my God, you’re that Nazi whose face melted when you looked at the Covenant.

Major Toht: Ah, vhat gave me avay? [ hold up scarred hand ]

Shia LaBeouf: Well, what are you up to now?

Major Toht: Vell, still acting. Although zese days, it’s mostly voiceovers.

Shia LaBeouf: I’m sorry about that. [ looks at others ] I’m sorry none of you are in the new movie. But look, we should all be excited. We’re all part of the Indiana Jones legacy. Right? [ gestures to Toht ] I mean, you’re in the first one. [ gestures to Shorty ] You’re in the second. [ gestures to Sean ] You’re in the third. I’m in the one where Indiana Jones dies- [ looks panicked ] Oh my God…

Short Round: Wow, you screwed that up, lady!

Sean Connery: Yeah, you messed that up worse than this guy’s face! [ jerks thumb at Toht ] Hahahahahaha!

Short Round: Hahahahaha!

Sean Connery: Pow!

Shia LaBeouf: Okay! Listen, that doesn’t leave this room, alright? We have a great show — My Morning Jacket is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ Short Round does a high-kick in the air ]

Submitted by: Laura Fanjoy

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Shia LaBeouf: 05/10/08: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11





07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Shia Labeouf

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]“Let me tell ya ’bout a look I know
From San Diego down to Mexico
It’s top secret and it’s just for the gents
So button up your shirt and drop your pants

Dress Shirt, black socks
boo da boo boo (?)
Take off your underpants
P Loafs, Pale stems
You’re looking good, the best look in the world!

Classy garters are a fashion touch
Kids and bitches(?) peek-a-boo its your nuts
Your lower body cavs got to show
Sport sandals are optional

Sun block, UV shades
Your jimmy cap is crownin like a newborn
Toned calves, cool attitude
The soft breeze is ticklin your knee-bend
Donald Duck strut, ladies look(?)
It’s cuz you got, the best look in the world!

Dads have got the look
Husbands have got the look
Cops they’ve got the look
Illiterate genies have got the look

Liver spots, flank steak thighs(?)
Here it comes, the best look in the world.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Shia LaBeouf: 05/10/08: Scared Straight



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11




07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

Scared Straight

Officer….Jason Sudeikis
McIntosh….Kenan Thompson
Boy 1….Shia Lebeouf
Boy 2….Andy Samberg
Boy 3….Bill Hader

[Opens with a shot of a police station. Three young kids are sitting in front of a police officer]

Officer: Ok, now seeing that this is a first offense I’m going to let you boys off with a warning. But if I ever catch you shoplifting again from the Game Stop, you’re going to be back here for a little sleepover in a prison cell. You got it?

3 Boys: Yes, officer.

Officer: Well, you might think that this is one big joke but its not. So that’s why I invited a representative from the Scared Straight program to come talk to you kids. He’s an inmate over at Larchmont Maximum Security Prison. He’s here to warn you about the dangers of criminal lifestyle. McIntosh!, you want to come in here!

[A black inmate in a brown prison uniform with a black glove and do rag enters the room. He shakes hands with the officer]

McIntosh: What’s up, chief?[He stands in front of the kids] All right. Ok, party’s over! Now on your FEET![the kids get up] Now sit DOWN![they sit down]I said on your FEET![they get up again] Wh–Sit your ass DOWN![they sit down]. My name is Lorenzo McIntosh. My friends call me Mack Attack but guess what? That don’t matter cause you ain’t my FRIENDS! Now let me see what you in for. Let me take a look.[picks up the police file]

Officer: No, no, no.[takes the police file from McIntosh] You’re not allowed to look at that.

[McIntosh holds his palms up]

McIntosh: Oh, ok, my bad. Rules are rules. I get it.

Officer: Yeah, we caught these smart alecks shoplifting at the mall.

McIntosh: Stealing, huh? Oh, I’ve been down that road. You name it–I stole it. Cookies, hats, newspapers, baby food, hats, newspapers, hats. Yeah, it starts with stealing but let me tell you where it ends. Murder!

Boy 1: We weren’t gonna murder anyone.

[McIntosh grabs kid 1 violently]

McIntosh: Hey boy! Close your damn MOUTH! You know what I’ve been through?! You see this?[points to a not so believable scar on his cheek]Take a good look! Cause this is REAL!

Boy 2: Did you draw that on with a sharpie?

[McIntosh is outraged like a bastard. Grabs kid 2 by the shoulders]

McIntosh: HEY! Boy, you keep on that attitude and you’re gonna end up in PRISON! And the only thing they gonna draw on your face is an arrow pointed at your mouth and a sign that says, deposit HERE!

Officer: Hey, no, no, no. You can’t get that graphic with the kids. Ok?

[McIntosh backs off, palms up]

McIntosh: Oh, hey, I’ll play the game, chief. You just gotta tell me the rules. Now, what they steal?

[Officer gives McIntosh a videogame]

Officer: Right here. Grand Theft Auto.

McIntosh: Grand theft Auto. What you think that’s fun? Um? Stealing cars?

Officer: No, they didn’t actually steal a car…

McIntosh: Let me tell you something. I’ve been there. I stole a car. I stole two cars. Pretty soon I had to steal 50 cars in one night otherwise the Russians were gonna shoot my brother dead in the street! Is that what you want?! A dead brother cause this here is REAL!!

Boy 3: Isn’t that the plot of “Gone in 60 Seconds”?

[McIntosh gives the videogame to the Officer. He punches his fist into his hands, walks up and down mad as hell]

McIntosh: Whooo! Whooo! Oh, man![gets right in kid’s 3 face] You gonna be in a cemetery in about 60 seconds BOY! And don’t think that being dead will save you from the other stuff. I know plenty of dudes that will do it with a dead guy!

Officer: Hey, no, no, no McIntosh. Take it easy, just take it easy, all right?

[McIntosh backs off, palms up]

McIntosh: Hey, I’ll take it easy, chief. I’ll put it right on cruise control. You just have to tell me when the exits coming, all right? [gets close on boy 1] You got some friends Tom Sawyer? Huh? Um, you’re Mr. Popular? Mr. Popular?

Boy 1: So what?

McIntosh: So what?

Boy 1: I got friends.

McIntosh: What? You think I didn’t have friends? I had a great bunch of friends. And then one day our dads couldn’t pay the bills and the bank was going to take our homes so we had to search for a private treasure in an underground cave, all right! Pretty soon we were dealing with a Baby-Ruth-eating sloth and a whole mess of booby traps from one-eyed Willie! All right! Is that what you want?! Man, my Korean friend Dada almost died! Cause this here is REAL!

Boy 2: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s the plot of “Goonies”.

[McIntosh sees red. He gets close to boy 2]

McIntosh: I got a plot for you, JUNIOR! You smart off I’m gonna pull your face out your BUTT! Roll the credits!

Officer: No, no, no, no McIntosh. You cannot threaten the kids.

[McIntosh backs off, palms up]

McIntosh: Oh, hey man. I will drive this train whatever you want to, chief. You just gotta laid out the tracks, all right. Who’s the ringleader?[Boy 2 and 3 point to Boy 1. McIntosh stands him up roughly]Well, well, well, you the boss, huh? Big boss man, huh? Yeah, I used to be the big boss too. And then Bam! Bullet right to the head. And guess what? Two of my employees show up and they got to prop my body up and make it look like I’m still alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they want to enjoy a weekend at my summer house! Is that what you want?! Guys dragging your dead body around to beach parties? Cause this here is REAL!

Boy 3: Ok, that’s definitely “Weekend at Bernie’s”.

[McIntosh is furious. Gets very close to boy 3, puts his fist up to his face]

McIntosh: Hey! Boy, I said close your damn MOUTH! The only Bernie you gonna meet is my cellmate Bernie! And he’s gonna spend his weekend hosting a beach party IN YOUR ASS!!

Officer: Ok, come on.

[McIntosh backs off. Palms up]

McIntosh: What? Was that too far?

Officer: Yeah.

McIntosh: Yeah, that was way too far.

Officer: Yeah, we got to let this kids go.

McIntosh: Yeah, I got to go somewhere too. Just remember, you wanna steal? They gonna steal your life! You wanna smoke weed? Somebody’s gonna smoke YOU! You wanna gangbang? You gonna get gangbanged a whole bunch of times! Sometimes 10, 20 guys in a row, rotating through you like a carousel! There ain’t gonna be no grease! There ain’t gonna be NO GREASE!

Officer: McIntosh!

[McIntosh backs off]

McIntosh: All right, I’m out.[walks away, points to the kids as he goes] There ain’t gonna be no grease.

Officer: They get it.

[Boy 3 begins clapping. Boy 1 and 2 look at him, he stops clapping]

Boy 3: Sorry.

Officer: So, you kids learned your lesson?

[The trio nod their heads no]

Officer: Yeah, I feel that.

[Car engine revs, tires screech]

Boy 1: Wait a minute. Is he driving himself to prison?

Officer:[looks out the window] Oh, no, no, no, no. He’s just stealing my car. That’s all it is.

[fade] [cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts