Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 11
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
He sent Merrill to a camp, where they turned him back to normal!
Merrill harbors no bad feelings, ’cause he knows he did a bad thing!
He’s batting for the right team now!
[CUT to Merrill staring at a long-haired dude’s ass, as MacGruber steps forwrd and they pose against footage of flames.]
[CUT to a rebel training camp tower. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Rebel Training Camp.” CUT to a sign marked “Rebel Training Camp Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Vicky: [struggling with locked door] The door won’t budge, MacGruber! And, by the looks of this chemical bomb, we’ve got exactly TWENTY seconds!
MacGruber: Okay, calm down! If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last two months, it’s that you can do — [ glances at Merrill ] or undo — anything, if you set your mind to it!
Merrill: [ muttering to himself ] Freakin’ dick..
MacGruber: [ defensive ] What’s that, Merrill?
Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!
MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! [ pointing ] Hand me that thumbtack!
Vicky: You got it, Macgruber!
MacGruber: Merrill! Leviticus 18:22!
Merrill: “Thou shal not lie with mankind, as with womankind.”
MacGruber: Vicky! Hand me that shoelace!
Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Merrill! What’s your favorite thing about a woman?
Merrill: [ half-heartedly ] The vagina, MacGruber…
MacGruber: Don’t forget the breasts. Vicky! Hand me that copper filament!
Merrill: [sighs] Screw this.
MacGruber: Look, where do you think you’re going?
Merrill: Well, you’re not letting me do anything anyways, MacGruber.
MacGruber: [grabbing at Merrill’s bag] Hold on there, mister!
[ Merrill’s bag falls to the floor, as something begins to rattle along the floor ]
[ Vicky turns away at the sight, as Merrill whistles nonchalantly ]
[ MacGruber watches as a pixellated dildo rotating counter-clockwise around the floor ]
[ MacGruber holds a look of shock on his face ]
[CUT to the training camp exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
[FADE to black over applause.]