SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation: 05/06/07

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation

Dana Carvey: I’m on the telephone — to Jon Lovitz — in L.A. — uh — call-waiting — “Uh.. hello?” And it’s just like this: “This is the White House, Operator Number One. Hold for the President.” So I go back to jon Lovitz, I go, “Jon, I got a bigger name on the phone.” He goes, “Who is it?” I go, “Well, it’s the President calling.” “Oh, I see. So I’m not your friend any more?” So, anyway — so then, Goerge Bush, Sr. — with an H — gets on the phone: “Love to have you come out.” So, uh — long story short, I go out there, and there’s the President, the First Lady, and he goes, “Why don’t you do that impression that you do, with me, right here, right now? Love to hear it!” And, I’m like, “God, it’s not very good!” “DO IT!” No, no! [ chuckles ]

Darrell Hammond: It’s difficult to comprehend that, first of all, these people know your name; and, secondly, that they want you to ocme hang out with them. You know, like, I’ve been in the Oval Office. It’s bizarre. It’s just larger than life.

Ana Gasteyer: You know, I was a childhood friend of Amy Carter’s. I grew up in Washington, D.C. And I have a vivid memory of President Carter sitting in the White House living room, watching the impression of himself, and laughing hysterically. And being so aware of “SNL” as, like, this piece of cultural reflection. Like, nobody did that before then.”

[ image: Ask President Carter (03/12/77) ]
Blues Traveler performs “Hook”: 09/30/95

Blues Traveler: [ singing ]“Because the hook brings you back
I ain’t tellin’ you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely.”

Steve Koren: I would have to say, the greatest political, sort of, writers that I knew at the time was Al Franken and Jim Downey. And you had these two guys who had written some of the original sketches. So, you really had quite a.. brain trust there ready to write.

Jim Downey: I love it when thesubject matter is politics, and it’s just funny, silly.. an archaic kind of, uh — indiscriminately mean!
Clarence Thomas Hearings: 10/12/91

Sen. Joseph Biden: [Judge Thomas], you did ask Ms. Hill out on a date?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Uh.. yes, I did.

Sen. Joseph Biden: Did you just go right up and ask her? Or did you have one of her friends tell her that you thought she was cute?

Judge Clarence Thomas: I just walked right up and asked her.

[ the committee whisper amongst themselves ]

Sen. Edward Kennedy: Were you, uh, drunk at the time?

Michael Shoemaker: I remember Al and Jim, like, as they would look at casts: “He can play a senator. He can play a senator. Sandler? Not so much.” [ laughs ] It’s okay!

[ image: Clarence Thomas Hearings (10/12/91): Dana Carvey as Sen. Strom Thurmond. ] [ image: Clarence Thomas Hearings (10/12/91): Chris Farley as Sen. Howell Heflin. ]
The McLaughlin Group: 03/21/92

Announcer: From the nation’s capital, “The McLaughlin Group.”

Ana Gasteyer: It’s the responsibility of the show to be clever about what’s happening in society, whatever that may be. If it’s boring, our job is to make it interesting!

Colin Quinn: Just to take a C-SPAN thing, and actually make it a recurring sketch, was pretty amazing.
The McLaughlin Group: 03/21/92

John McLaughlin: Issue Two!! On a scale of 1 to 10 — 1 being pathetically inadequate, and 10 being painfully inept — how would you rate the Buchanan campaign? Jack Germond-nobody!

Jack Germond: I’d say.. about a 5.

John McLaughlin: WROOONNGG!! Morton Salt — when it rains, it pours!

Morton Kondracke: I’d give it an 8.

John McLaughlin: WROOONNGG!! Patty “Rebuke”-chanan!

Pat Buchanan: Well, John, the campaign isn’t actually over

John McLaughlin: WROOOOONNNGGG!! It was over weeks ago, you just haven’t been not-i-fied!

Colin Quinn: To this day, I watch “The McLaughlin Group” because of the original “SNL” sketches.
Debate ’92: 10/10/92

Announcer: “Debate ’92: The Challenge to Avoid Saying Something Stupid.”
Al Franken: And, at a certain point, the debate became a tradition.

Jim Downey: The election stuff is – is a godsend. Especially if a lot of people are running.
Debate ’92: 10/10/92

Jane Pauley: Now, let’s meet the candidates. Gentlemen?

[ the three candidates enter the arena and stand behind their respective podiums ]

Kevin Nealon: I remember our ratings were particularly high during the election years. People really starting tuning in, and they liked seeing spoofs of different politicians.
Debate ’92: 10/10/92

Sam Donaldson: Governor Clinton, let’s be frank. You’re running forpresident, yet [ jump edit ] the main streets of your capital city, Little Rock, aresomething out of L’il Abner, with buxom underage girls in cutoff denimsprancing around in front of Jethro and Billy Bob, while corncob-pipe-smoking,shotgun-toting grannies fire indiscriminantly at runaway hogs.

Bill Clinton: I’m sorry, Sam, do you have a question?

[ jump edit ]

Ross Perot: Why are we talking about Arkansas? Hell,everybody knows that all they got down there is a bunch of ignorant inbredcrackerheads! Peckerwoods, catch me? Now, can we talk about the deficit?While we’ve been jabbering, our deficit has increased by half a milliondollars. That’s enough to buy a still and a new outhouse for every familyin Little Rock!

Bill Clinton: Will you shut up!

Ross Perot: Hold it there, cracker boy, I’m not finished!

George Bush: Now, you see that right there? You see that? It kind of makes you wonder whether these men have the temperament to be president. Would you tell Prime MinisterMajor to shut up? Would you call Boris Yeltsin a “Crackerhead”?

Rob Smigel: By the time the election is coming close, we’ve established which performer is — [ laughs ] playing which character! And then, it’s almost like, you know, an election between those two actors. Because, whoever wins is going to have a gig for the next four years, if he wants it.
Clinton at McDonald’s: 12/05/92

Bill Clinton: Alright, boys, let’s stop in here for a second. I’m a little parched from the fog.

Secret Service Agent #1: Sir, we’ve only been jogging for three blocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fast food places.

Bill Clinton: Well, I just want to mingle with the American people, talk with some real folks — and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something.

Secret Service Agent #1: Fine. But please don’t tell Mrs. Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something — there’s gonna be a whole BUNCH of things we don’t tell Mrs. Clinton!

Lorne Michaels: In the history of the show, I think Democrats are much more surprised when they’re in any way, uh, attacked — or, what they think was an attack — by show business people. I think Republicans aren’t — [ shakes his head ] don’t seem — [ chuckles ] Wait a minute! — To be surprised by it!
A Message From the Former President of the United States: 10/22/94

Announcer: The following is a message from the Former President of the United States.

George Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is George Bush. I was your president from 1989 to 1993. And, during that time, “Saturday Night Live” made fun of me on a fairly regular basis. Do I have any hard feelings about that? Yes, I do. But I’ll have my revenge, when the time is right. Not now — wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture. But revenge will be mine.

Coming up Next: Season ’92-’93

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation: 05/06/07

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation

Paula Pell: It’s always ben such a saving grace for the show when there’s… interesting, screwed-up things going on in our world, and we can reflect on it.
Gin Blossoms perform “Follow You Down”: 03/23/96

Gin Blossoms: [ singing ]“Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
I’ll follow you down, but not that far.”

??: The stuff in the 90’s was, like, intersecting with politics.. it was intersecting with crime.. it was intersecting with sports. So it felt like we could really do a rich show that kind of covered American life.

Will Ferrell: When we were doing it right — when we weren’t just making the obvious choice, we were actually throwing these kind of dubious characters into situations that made it really funny.
Unabomber Class Reunion: 04/13/96

FBI Agent #1: You have ten minutes, Ted!

Ted Kaczynski: Fellas, thanks again for letting me come to this — a class reunion doesn’t happen very often! And, I tell ya, it feels like I never left!

James: [ approaching ] Oh, my God! Don’t tell me.. don’t tell me.. uh.. uh..

Ted Kaczynski: [ covers his nametag ] No peeking!

James: [ laughs ] Ted Kaczynski! Where did they find you?!

[ they hug ]

Ted Kaczynski: Jimmy Mallory, you old pool shark! How the hell are you?

James: Not bad.. So, what have you been up to?

Ted Kaczynski: I’ve been doing a lot of writing..

James: Yeah, really? You, uh, get anything published?

Ted Kaczynski: Yeah. One thing.

Adam McKay: To play the bogeyman — to play the Devil as a goofball — is just a fun game to do, you know? and then you get the right performer doing it, and, all of a sudden, you can start having a run with these characters.

Steve Higgins: Everything about Ted Kaczynski was just so… insane. Because he was more like a character we’d create, than a real human.

Unabomber Defense Plan: 01/17/98

Ted Kaczynski: [ stands ] Terrific! Great! I think that went well!

Steve Higgins: Who else to play that, but Will?

Norm MacDonald: As soon as I saw him, I thought, “This guy is like Chevy.” Because he’s an all-American guy, but he has this, like, incredible subversive streak in him.
The Terry Gantner Family Workout: 12/07/96

Terry Gantner: [ punches board, breaking Terry’s hand instead of the board ] Oh, God! Oh.. God! Oh, sweet God! Sweet bastard! Oh, my God! What kind of wood was that!!

Julian Gantner: Dad, are you all right?

Terry Gantner: What kind of wood was that! What kind of wood was that!! Sweet God!

Molly Shannon: Will’s a great writer, too. I loved writing stuff with him, because he’s so supportive, and if you say any crazy things like, “That’s great!” he’ll say, “We’ll be crazy together.” Um — I think we share a similar dark sensibility.
Dog Show: 12/05/98

David Larry: Hello, and welcome to “Dog Show” —

Miss Colleen: A show for people —

David Larry: About dogs —

Miss Colleen: Starring one dog —

David Larry: And one dirty dog.

Miss Colleen: That’s right — that’s me.I’m Miss Colleen, and I! Like! Huh-dogs! [ she dives forward ]

David Larry: And I’m David Larry. And I like dogs. As usual, I’m sitting next to my special dog friend — [ the dog dives into David’s drums ] Mr. Bojangles – -who is actually a girl. But I gave her a boy’s name. Because I’m playing a TRICK on her!

Will Ferrell: “Dog Show”? It was really funny-strange.. but we somehow tricked Lorne into thinking it was funny-ha-ha. Adn he would put it on in the heart of the show. Or, sometimes, it would be the second sketch up. [ he laughs ]We’d just look at each other, like… “How did we fool him?” ‘Cause we’re holding these little tiny dogs, but —

Adam McKay: And that was sort of the power of Will Ferrell, and that’s why all the writers, like, loved him and wrote for him endlessly. Because he broke that barrier between funny-strange and funny-ha-ha.

Mark McKinney: He is the kind of spirit of crazy that you want, and, at the same time, you know, none of the, you know, sort of darker personal issues that usually haunt that type of person. He was always friendly, always accessible. You always felt like Will was your bud.

Ana Gasteyer: Probably the most popular people in the workplace are like, you know — Will Ferrell has this, just impossible-to-replicate calm and confidence about whathe’s doing. And it’s contagious.

Adam McKay: The game was mot: “Look how funny I am.” The game was: “We like to play with each other.”

Marci Klein: Every night, they were doing improv… and improv games and theater games. It was just completely different.

Steve Higgins: The more you know somebody, the more you know how they’re funny in a way that people haven’t seen before. Norm and I were hanging out in his office one day, playing a game where he had words and you had to do an impression of somebody saying the same sentence, and he did Burt Reynolds doing it, and we’d go, “Well, there you go! So how can we get Burt Reynolds on TV?”

Norm MacDonald: And they wanted me to do Burt Reynolds now, with a grey beard, and I said, “No, let’s do it in the 70’s, ’cause that’s when I loved him the most.”
Celebrity Jeopardy: 10/23/99

Alex Trebek: [ as Burt Reynolds walks up wearing a large hat ] Mr. Reynolds, what are you doing?

Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha! Yeah, I found this backstage, an over-sized hat. It’s funny.

Alex Trebek: No, it’s not!

Burt Reynolds: Sure it is. It’s funny. It’s funny because it’s ah, bigger than, ah.. [ clears throat ] know, a normal hat.

Alex Trebek: Uh, I see that. Get back to your podium.

Will Ferrell: The “Jeopardy” sketch, to me, is the spirit of “Saturday Night Live.” It’s, like, you know, the whole cast is working at one time, and there’s really some clever writing going on…
Celebrity Jeopardy: 03/20/99

Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, why don’t you pick a category?

Sean Connery: I’ve got to ask you about the Penis Mightier.

Alex Trebek: What? No. No, no, that is The Pen is Mightier.

Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek. What matters is does it work?

Darrell Hammond: And none of it really ever made any sense. It made no sense that Connery didn’t know the answers… and it made no sense that he had such an intense dislike for Alex Trebek…
Celebrity Jeopardy: 10/23/99

Alex Trebek: “This is the sound a doggy makes.” [ Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Moo. [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: Well, that’s the sound your mother made last night! [ laughs ]

Darrell Hammond: It’s the most popular thing I’ve ever done. It’s the thing people know most about me when they come to my shows.

Norm MacDonald: And then one time, I was talking to Burt Reynolds, and he said he wanted to come on the show while I was doing “Celebrity Jeopardy”, and then, uh, punch me in the face and take over… and then, he’d be even stupider — but then I got fired, and so he couldn’t do it!
Coming up next… Norm Vs. The Network

SNL Transcripts