Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
106 & Park
Dakota Fanning…..Amy Poehler
George F. Smoot…..John Lutz
[ open on the “106 & Park” logo and graphics ] [ dissolve to Terrence, Rocsi, and Kanye West on the set ]
Rocsi: Alright, alright, alright! Welcome back to “106 & Park”! I’m Rocsi — this is Terrence — and we’re here with Kanye West! [ audience cheers ] Alright. So, Kanye, we were talking earlier about some of the bad press you received for your behavior at awards shows.
Kanye West: Yeah?
Terrence: Well, you famously took the stage and protested the 2006 European Music Awards, and, at the VMA’s this year, cameras caught you backstage visibly upset that you hadn’t won.
Kanye West: Yeah?
Rocsi: So how do you defend yourself from claims that you’re a poor loser and a crybaby?
Kanye West: I mean — I’m not here to defend myself! I mean, it’s no offense to the other artists, but I’m just passionate about my music, and, really, those are just isolated incidents, and they — they’ve just been blown way out of proportion!
Terrence: [ scoffs ] Okay. BUt what about your appearance at the Kid’s Choice Awards this year?
Kanye West: I mean — I mean, that was NOTHIN’, dawg!
Rocsi: Alright, well, let’s show that clip.[ dissolve to Dakota Fanning standing onstage at the Kid’s Choice Awards ]
Dakota Fanning: It’s so weird that they asked me, Dakota Fanning, to present the award for Best TV Show — because I don’t even OWN a TV! And the Kid’s Choice Award for Best TV Show is — [ opens the envelope ] “Drake & Josh”![ Drake & Josh step forward to claim their award. But so does Kanye West. ]
Kanye West: Hell, no! Aw, hell — yo! No disrespect, man, like — I don’t even — I haven’t seen your show, I don’t even WATCH Nickolodeon! But.. HOW.. the hell.. they not gonna give a Kid’s Choice Award to Kanye West?! How Kid’s gonna be taken seriously if they keep making bad choices?! I used to believe children were our future — but F–K that!![ Kanye grabs the award from Drake & Josh, then exits the stage ] [ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]
Terrence: I — I don’t know. You seemed upset, Kanye.
Kanye West: I mean — I really deserved that Kid’s Choice Award!
Terrence: But it was for Best TV Show. You don’t have a TV show.
Kanye West: I AM the greatest show on Earth! And I want to apologize for that.
Rocsi: Okay. But do you think you’re the best scientist on Earth?
Kanye West: I mean — perhaps. You know, it’s not about the — the Nobel Peace Prize!
Terrence: Yeah, let’s roll the clip.[ dissolve to the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony ]
Presenter: It is my.. distinct honor to present the Nobel Prize for Physics to John C. Mather and George F. Smoot.. for their discoveries in the cosmic microwave bac —[ Suddenly, Kanye West jumps onstage ]
Kanye West: Oh, HELL no!! Who’s picking this, man?! How the hell the Nobel Pace Prize for PHYSICS gonna go to ANYBODY but me?! That’s ridiculous! My album went Gold in a day, babe! My album went Gold in a DAY!! [ to the two scientists ] I ain’t heard of NONE of y’all theories! But if the Nobel Peace Prize isn’t going to ME.. the Nobel Peace Prize LOSES.. credibi — [ a spliced-in expletice is bleeped out ] [ Kanye runs off the stage ] [ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]
Rocsi: Wow. So what happened there, Kanye?
Kanye West: I mean — you can’t trust the media. They edited that to make me look bad!
Terrence: Alright. Well, how do you explain your behavior at the Thistle Down County Fair last week?
Kanye West: I mean — I — I ain’t gonna hurt — that’s just wrongness!
Rocsi: Well, there was actually a camera there.
Kanye West: That’s freakin’ cameras!
Rocsi: Take a look at the tape![ dissolve to the NThistle Down County Fair ]
Mayor: And the Blue ribbon for Best Pumpkin goes to little Abigail Winters. [ hands the ribbon to the ltitle girl ] How old old are you, Abigail?
Little Girl: I’m eight years old.
Kanye West: Oh, heeeeellll no! [ he runs in carrying a pumpkin under his arms ] I got the best pumpkin! This pumpkin cost a MILLION dollars, man! [ hands it to the Mayor and lifts the top off ] It’s got champagne in it! How I lose to a eight year old?! [ grabs the ltitle girls’ ribbon ] You got a lot of years — you got a lot of years you can win this! I been doing this too long, man! I been doing this too long![ Kanye runs away from the scene ] [ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]
Terrence: Wow. Damn, That’s pretty uncool, Kanye.
Kanye West: I mean — anybody with a trained eye can see that that was done with, uhh — computers. And, uhh — they CSI’ed me!
Terrence: You mean, CGI?
Kanye West: I mean, it doesn’t matter! I wasn’t there!
Terrence: Yes, but were you backstage at “Saturday Night Live” this weekend?
Kanye West: Of course I was!
Rocsi: Then, can you explain this?[ dissolve to Kanye West frantically pacing in his dressing room at “Saturday Night Live” ]
Kanye West: Man, HOW they gonna have me on “Saturday Night Live” and I ain’t gonna host, man?! Seriously, man?! How they gonna have LeBron James over ME, man?! I’m TEN times the performer, man! Man, give a black man — give a SHORT black man a chance, man! [ he starts cursing about Lorne Michaels and throws furniture around his dressing room ] [ pan across to reveal LeBron James and Lorne Michaels standing in the hall ]
Lorne Michaels: I’m sure he’s talking about a different LeBron James.
LeBron James: Uh — and Im’ sure he’s talking about a different Lorne Michaels.
Lorne Michaels: [ thinking ] No. There’s — there’s only one Lorne Michaels.[ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]
Terrence: Uh — Kanye? Did you say those things?
Kanye West: [ almost speechless ] I — I wouldn’t trust the media!
Rocsi: Okay, well, we’re gonna take a little break, and wehen w come back on “106 & Park”, more screamiiiiiiiinggg![ fade ]