Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 1
LeBron James: Thanks to Kanye West, and Lorne Michaels, and “SNL”, the crew members — thanks to everybody in here! Thank you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 2
Veritas Ultrasound HD
Expectant Dad….Jason Sudeikis
Expectant Mom….Kristen Wiig
Veritas Representative….Bill Hader
[Opens with a pregnant lady and her husband watching an ultrasound with the doctor explaining what’s on screen.]
Ob/Gyn: And this here. That’s your baby’s head.
Expectant Mom: Wow. [smiles]
Ob/Gyn: Here’s his nose.
Expectant Dad: [frustrated] If you say so.
Expectant Mom: Honey, what’s wrong?
Expectant Dad: What’s wrong? This picture quality is terrible.[A man in a suit walks in the frame]
Veritas Representative: Ultrasound.[sighs, rolls eyes] For years expectant fathers have been forced to fake interest in crude, low quality, grainy images of their unborn children. Well, not any longer. Thanks to the Veritas Ultrasound HD.[Expectant dad is in front of a 50 inch HD TV monitor in which he can see live in color the unborn fetus in every detail. He whistles in admiration]
Veritas Representative: We live in a High Definition world. If you could see an NFL’s lineman’s breath in a January playoff game, you shouldn’t have to ask a doctor where your baby’s eyes are.[Expectant mom and dad sit on a living room couch]
Expectant Dad: I’m excited about being a dad. But also a little nervous. That last thing I need to worry about is the low quality of the ultrasound image. That’s why we made sure our Ob/Gyn had the new Veritas Ultrasound HD monitor.
Expectant Mom: [uneasy] We also made sure he was a good doctor.
Veritas Representative: With 1080p display resolution and a flat panel liquid crystal screen you’ll be saying goodbye to blurry shapes and fuzzy lines. With Veritas you’re not gonna need some doctor to tell you if its a boy or a girl.[Expectant dad points to the fetus groin on the HD screen]
Expectant Dad: Now, that’s a penis!
Veritas Representative: The Ultrasound HD is the only ultrasound with picture-in-picture option.[Expectant dad and the Ob/Gyn are enjoying an action movie on the big HD screen while the expectant mom watches the tiny picture-in-picture image of the baby]
Expectant Dad: Whoa! That comes in handy when you want to watch a movie in the doctor’s office.
Expectant Mom: [angry] You don’t watch a movie in the doctor’s office.[she takes the TV remote and changes the fetus image for the big HD screen and the action movie to the tiny-picture-in-picture]
Expectant Dad: [looking at the picture-in-picture option] Oh, here we go.
Veritas Representative: And as the official ultrasound of the NFL Veritas offers the future fan option which shows you what your unborn child looks like in the helmet of your favorite team.[The big HD screen shows the fetus wearing a football helmet. The NFL logo is at the bottom right of the screen]
Expectant Dad: Now that’s something to celebrate!
Expectant Mom: I’m just happy the baby’s healthy.
Expectant Dad: That too.[Big HD screen shows an explosion from the action flick]
Expectant Dad: Who said having a baby couldn’t be exciting?!
Expectant Mom: [fed up] No one said that.
Announcer: Veritas Ultrasound H D.[fade] [cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel