SNL Transcripts: LeBron James: 09/29/07: 106 & Park

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

106 & Park

Rocsi…..Maya Rudolph
Terrence…..Kenan Thompson
…..Kanye West
Dakota Fanning…..Amy Poehler
Drake…..Will Forte
Josh…..Jason Sudeikis
Presenter…..Bill Hader
George F. Smoot…..John Lutz
Mayor…..Will Forte
…..LeBron James
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on the “106 & Park” logo and graphics ] [ dissolve to Terrence, Rocsi, and Kanye West on the set ]

Rocsi: Alright, alright, alright! Welcome back to “106 & Park”! I’m Rocsi — this is Terrence — and we’re here with Kanye West! [ audience cheers ] Alright. So, Kanye, we were talking earlier about some of the bad press you received for your behavior at awards shows.

Kanye West: Yeah?

Terrence: Well, you famously took the stage and protested the 2006 European Music Awards, and, at the VMA’s this year, cameras caught you backstage visibly upset that you hadn’t won.

Kanye West: Yeah?

Rocsi: So how do you defend yourself from claims that you’re a poor loser and a crybaby?

Kanye West: I mean — I’m not here to defend myself! I mean, it’s no offense to the other artists, but I’m just passionate about my music, and, really, those are just isolated incidents, and they — they’ve just been blown way out of proportion!

Terrence: [ scoffs ] Okay. BUt what about your appearance at the Kid’s Choice Awards this year?

Kanye West: I mean — I mean, that was NOTHIN’, dawg!

Rocsi: Alright, well, let’s show that clip.

[ dissolve to Dakota Fanning standing onstage at the Kid’s Choice Awards ]

Dakota Fanning: It’s so weird that they asked me, Dakota Fanning, to present the award for Best TV Show — because I don’t even OWN a TV! And the Kid’s Choice Award for Best TV Show is — [ opens the envelope ] “Drake & Josh”!

[ Drake & Josh step forward to claim their award. But so does Kanye West. ]

Kanye West: Hell, no! Aw, hell — yo! No disrespect, man, like — I don’t even — I haven’t seen your show, I don’t even WATCH Nickolodeon! But.. HOW.. the hell.. they not gonna give a Kid’s Choice Award to Kanye West?! How Kid’s gonna be taken seriously if they keep making bad choices?! I used to believe children were our future — but F–K that!!

[ Kanye grabs the award from Drake & Josh, then exits the stage ] [ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]

Terrence: I — I don’t know. You seemed upset, Kanye.

Kanye West: I mean — I really deserved that Kid’s Choice Award!

Terrence: But it was for Best TV Show. You don’t have a TV show.

Kanye West: I AM the greatest show on Earth! And I want to apologize for that.

Rocsi: Okay. But do you think you’re the best scientist on Earth?

Kanye West: I mean — perhaps. You know, it’s not about the — the Nobel Peace Prize!

Terrence: Yeah, let’s roll the clip.

[ dissolve to the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony ]

Presenter: It is my.. distinct honor to present the Nobel Prize for Physics to John C. Mather and George F. Smoot.. for their discoveries in the cosmic microwave bac —

[ Suddenly, Kanye West jumps onstage ]

Kanye West: Oh, HELL no!! Who’s picking this, man?! How the hell the Nobel Pace Prize for PHYSICS gonna go to ANYBODY but me?! That’s ridiculous! My album went Gold in a day, babe! My album went Gold in a DAY!! [ to the two scientists ] I ain’t heard of NONE of y’all theories! But if the Nobel Peace Prize isn’t going to ME.. the Nobel Peace Prize LOSES.. credibi — [ a spliced-in expletice is bleeped out ] [ Kanye runs off the stage ] [ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]

Rocsi: Wow. So what happened there, Kanye?

Kanye West: I mean — you can’t trust the media. They edited that to make me look bad!

Terrence: Alright. Well, how do you explain your behavior at the Thistle Down County Fair last week?

Kanye West: I mean — I — I ain’t gonna hurt — that’s just wrongness!

Rocsi: Well, there was actually a camera there.

Kanye West: That’s freakin’ cameras!

Rocsi: Take a look at the tape!

[ dissolve to the NThistle Down County Fair ]

Mayor: And the Blue ribbon for Best Pumpkin goes to little Abigail Winters. [ hands the ribbon to the ltitle girl ] How old old are you, Abigail?

Little Girl: I’m eight years old.

Kanye West: Oh, heeeeellll no! [ he runs in carrying a pumpkin under his arms ] I got the best pumpkin! This pumpkin cost a MILLION dollars, man! [ hands it to the Mayor and lifts the top off ] It’s got champagne in it! How I lose to a eight year old?! [ grabs the ltitle girls’ ribbon ] You got a lot of years — you got a lot of years you can win this! I been doing this too long, man! I been doing this too long!

[ Kanye runs away from the scene ] [ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]

Terrence: Wow. Damn, That’s pretty uncool, Kanye.

Kanye West: I mean — anybody with a trained eye can see that that was done with, uhh — computers. And, uhh — they CSI’ed me!

Terrence: You mean, CGI?

Kanye West: I mean, it doesn’t matter! I wasn’t there!

Terrence: Yes, but were you backstage at “Saturday Night Live” this weekend?

Kanye West: Of course I was!

Rocsi: Then, can you explain this?

[ dissolve to Kanye West frantically pacing in his dressing room at “Saturday Night Live” ]

Kanye West: Man, HOW they gonna have me on “Saturday Night Live” and I ain’t gonna host, man?! Seriously, man?! How they gonna have LeBron James over ME, man?! I’m TEN times the performer, man! Man, give a black man — give a SHORT black man a chance, man! [ he starts cursing about Lorne Michaels and throws furniture around his dressing room ] [ pan across to reveal LeBron James and Lorne Michaels standing in the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: I’m sure he’s talking about a different LeBron James.

LeBron James: Uh — and Im’ sure he’s talking about a different Lorne Michaels.

Lorne Michaels: [ thinking ] No. There’s — there’s only one Lorne Michaels.

[ dissolve back to “106 & Park” ]

Terrence: Uh — Kanye? Did you say those things?

Kanye West: [ almost speechless ] I — I wouldn’t trust the media!

Rocsi: Okay, well, we’re gonna take a little break, and wehen w come back on “106 & Park”, more screamiiiiiiiinggg!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 10/06/07: MacGruber I

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

MacGruber I

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
Caleb…..Seth Rogen

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
He’s getting kind of old now, and that makes him uncomfortable!
He might go get some work done!

[CUT to MacGruber performing punching pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a series of rolling hills in the desert. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Silver Mine.” CUT to a sign marked “Mine Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Caleb: [struggling with locked door] The mine door’s sealed shut, MacGruber!

Casey: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — once this hydrogen meter reaches Critical, this baby’s gonna blow!

MacGruber: [wearing a bandana over his head] Okay. This is no time to panic. You’re in good hands. I’ve been doing this all my life. For over 44 — excuse me — 37 years — in October — so I’m 36, but I think if you were to ask most people on the street —

Casey: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!

MacGruber: Right! Time me, folks! Casey! Hand me that copper wire!

Casey: You got it, Macgruber!

MacGruber: Caleb! That feather!

Caleb: Gotcha, ‘Grubes!

MacGruber: Casey! That cup!

Casey: Right here!

MacGruber: Okay, great! Now if I can just bypass this detonator, I’ll — I’ll — [ his bandana falls off, revealing a balding head ] Ooh! Ooh! Both of you! Behind you! Look behind you! [ Casey and Caleb look behind them ] Is there a thing I need back there?! [ Casey turns back to look at MacGruber ] Just turn around — turn around! [ she turns back ] Just whatever you see, whatever you find, just — just pick them up and give them to me — [ he quickly tries to tie the bandana back over his balding head ] Okay.. okay..

Casey: I find this caulking putty!

Caleb: Here’s a battery!

MacGruber: Okay, okay! [ still struggling with his bandana ] Uhh — you just hang on to those — I think that I have everything that I need over here, thank you.

Casey: TWO seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! That’s more than enough time for me to tie this bandana back on, and —

[CUT to the mine exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts