SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Cheney in Makeup



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22





08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Cheney in Makeup

Make-up Girl…..Abby Elliott
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, NBC ] [ dissolve to itnerior, Make-up Room ]

Make-up Girl: So, Mr. Cheney — this is your first time on “Meet The Press” with David Gregory.

Dick Cheney: It is!

Make-up Girl: Great. Now, how do you like your make-up?

Dick Cheney: Enough color so I don’t look like a corpse, but not so much that it looks like I have feelings.

Make-up Girl: Okay. So, can I get you to close your eyes for me?

[ he chuckles snidely, then shuts his eyes as she begins ] [ as she works on Cheney, former President George W. Bush enters the room stealthily ]

George W. Bush: [ whispering loudly ] Hey, Make-up lady! Give me that brush!

[ she hands Bush the brush and exits the room. Bush proceeds to rub the brush across Cheney’s chin. ]

George W. Bush: [ in a higher octave ] So… are you excited about doing the show?

Dick Cheney: Hello, Mr. President.

George W. Bush: Aw, DAMN, Dick! You are impossible to surprise! What’s your secret?

Dick Cheney: Well, Mr. President, for one: you whisper too LOUD!

George W. Bush: Yeah, that’s always been a problem of mine! That is one of the many reasons that I am no friend to libraries! [ he tosses the brush aside ]

Dick Cheney: So, what are you doing here, Mr. President?

George W. Bush: Well, Dick, I’ve been contacted by members of the GOP — they’ve asked me to speak to you about your newfound love of the media spotlight.

Dick Cheney: [ nervously ] I, uh… have been making some television appearances.

George W. Bush: Some? You’re on TV more than that ShamWow guy!

Dick Cheney: Well, I understand this visibility is a bit of a change for me.

George W. Bush: Yeah. No DUH to the MAX, Dick! I mean, I spent eight years with my face out there, saying things I barely understood! While you were nowhere to be found!

Dick Cheney: I was… busy.

George W. Bush: Yeah. And BRAVO with what you were “busy” with, by the way. People seemed to be really psyched about it.

Dick Cheney: If you are referring to our interrogation policies, Mr. President, I have no regrets.

George W. Bush: Yeah, well, here’s MY regret: that I didn’t have me a Vice-President like Joe Biden. I mean, look at those two — going out for burgers… [ he chuckles ] laughing it up. I need THAT kind of V.P., the kind that did dumb stuff to make me look smarter! Instead, I got the one guy that scares me more than my dad!

Dick Cheney: We, uh… we had a different chemistry, sir.

George W. Bush: Yeah. The chemistry of acid in the face! Dick, it’s over! We need to move on!

Dick Cheney: We have a legacy to protect. What would you have me do, Mr. President?

George W. Bush: Just STICK to our plan: Let’s let history be the judge, okay? It’s an awesome plan, because history takes FOREVER!

Dick Cheney: There are things I think the American people need to know, sir.

George W. Bush: But I don’t want you to tell them those things, okay? Just like you probably wouldn’t want me to tell certain things. Like the time you were DEAD for three days.

Dick Cheney: Now, sir…

George W. Bush: No, no, no! “Now, sir,” nothing! You were straight up dead, okay? We were gonna bury you, but Colin Powell said, “Let’s give it one more day.” I mean, Colin’s the reason you’re here! So, I don’t like it when you, when you run him down!

Dick Cheney: Well, I would hate for the story about my, uh, unfortunate, uhhh…

George W. Bush: DEATH! The word is “death”.

Dick Cheney: …to go public.

George W. Bush: Okay. Good! Then, we’re in agreement. Okay? Yuo cool it with the world tour, and I’ll keep my mouth shut! By the way, they still only know about the one face shooting.

Dick Cheney: [ chuckling nervously ] Mr. President, uh…

George W. Bush: I’m not scared of you, any more, Dick! Okay? I’ve been watching a TON of Dr. Phil.

Dick Cheney: Very well, sir.

George W. Bush: Hey, I’m sorry to be a red ass about it.

Dick Cheney: I understand.

George W. Bush: If you ever want to Biden it up and get a burger with me — I’m game!

Dick Cheney: Yes, sir.

George W. Bush: Alright, I’ll see you later, Dick.

Dick Cheney: And, Mr. President, one last thing.

George W. Bush: Yeah?

Dick Cheney: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 2: 10/16/08: Presidential Debate



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 2








Weekend Update Thursday 2

Presidential Debate

Bob Schieffer…..Chris Parnell
Sen. Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on CNN graphic ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Hofstra University, David S. Mack Sports and Exhibition Complex ]

[ dissolve to Bob Schieffer ]

Bob Schieffer: Good evening, I’m Bob Schieffer of CBS News… [ audience cheers ] and welcome to the third and final Presidential debate of the 2008 election. I’ll be your moderator tonight, for what we hope will be a lively and substantive discussion… [ checks his notes ] between the candidates: Senator Barack Obama of Illinois and Senator John McCain of Arizona. Gentlemen, let’s begin. Obviously, with another 700-point plunge in the Dow today, this economy is in trouble. Each of you have plans to address the problem, but tell us why yours is better than your opponent’s. We’ll start with Senator McCain.

Sen. John McCain: Bob, let me begin by saying, a few days ago, Senator Obama was out in Ohio, and he had an encounter with a man named Joe, who’s a plumber. We’ll call him “Joe the Plumber”. Now, Joe wants to buy the business where he’s worked for many years. And he looked at Senator Obama’s tax plan, and saw that he was going to pay much higher taxes. Which would leave him unable to employ people, and achieve the American dream. So my question is, why would you want to do that to Joe the Plumber? What did Joe the Plumber ever do to you, that you want to raise his taxes? Of all the people to go after in this way, why single out Joe the Plumber?

Sen. Barack Obama: First of all, look: uh — I don’t recall meeting the individual you’re referring to. But let me say this: nearly all small businesses earn less than $250,000 a year. And if Joe’s business falls into that category, he should know that, under my plan, uh, his taxes will not go up. Not one cent.

Sen. John McCain: Senator, I don’t think most people believe that. I know Joe the Plumber doesn’t. Because he told me so. And frankly, I trust Joe the Plumber a lot more than I trust your plan. Because Joe the Plumber is a straight shooter, and one of the finest people I’ve ever known. And I’ll tell you something else: He’s got a lot of good ideas on how to fix this economy. And, as President, I’ll be relying on his advice and expertise.

Bob Schieffer: Let’s turn to a related topic. Over the last several years, we’ve seen budget deficits increase dramatically, with some experts saying this year’s could reach nearly a trillion dollars. What will either of you do to bring government spending under control? Senator Obama?

Sen. Barack Obama: Uh, look — uh, obviously, Bob, all government programs need to be examined to see if they’re necessary, or if they’re working, or if they could do the job more efficiently. But we’ve got to cut these programs carefully, with a — a — a scalpel, not a hatchet.

Sen. John McCain: [ grinning boradly ] The fact is, Senator, only one of us has a record of fighting wasteful government spending, and it’s me. As President, I would go after the bloated budgets with a GIANT hatchet, and THEN use a scalpel. Or I might take the advice of my friend, Joe the Plumber, and use a plunger.

Sen. Barack Obama: A — a — a plunger? I don’t understand.

Sen. John McCain: Obviously, Senator. It’s not an ordinary plunger. It’s a magical plunger.

Sen. Barack Obama: So, your friend “Joe the Plumber” has a “magical plunger”?

Sen. John McCain: That’s correct.

Sen. Barack Obama: Would your friend Joe, be, by any chance, uhhh — an “imaginary friend?”

Sen. John McCain: Senator, Joe the Plumber lives in a cigar box, under my bed, with our friend Simon.

Bob Schieffer: So… Joe the Plumber would be very tiny, then.

Sen. John McCain: Joe stands about three-and-a-half inches tall. Except when he’s upset. Then he can become as big as a house! He’s my best friend.

Bob Schieffer: [ uncomfortable ] Alright, let’s turn to a new topic…

Sen. John McCain: Bob, could I just add, that Simon is invisible?

Bob Schieffer: Of course. [ a beat ] Gentlemen, over the last few weeks, the tone of this campaign has become increasingly nasty. Senator Obama, in describing your opponent, your campaign has used words like “erratic”, “out of touch”, “lying”, “losing his bearings”, “senile”, “dementia”, “nursing home”, “decrepit”, and “at death’s door”. Senator McCain, your ads have featured terms such as “disrespectful”, “dangerous”, “foreign”, “sleeper agent”, and “uncircumcised”. Are you both comfortable with this level of discourse?

Sen. Barack Obama: Uh, look, Bob: uh, obviously, in any campaign, harsh things are going to be said. And certainly, both of our campaigns have now and then crossed the line. But, I have to say; I am troubled by some of the things said about me at my opponent’s rallies. Things like “traitor”, “kill him”, and “off with his head”. Uhhh — and, unfortunately, Senator McCain has yet to condemn these comments.

Sen. John McCain: Bob, as to the “off with his head” comment, that was shouted at a rally we held at a Renaissance Fair. The gentleman had too much mead and he was removed by security.

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhhhh — at that same event, I was also denounced as a “sorcerer”.

Sen. John McCain: At any rally of nearly ninety — uh, seventy-five people, you’re going to get a couple of crackers. We all know that. But, just a few moments ago, my opponent slandered my very best friend in the world, Joe the Plumber, by calling him “imaginary”. Would the Senator like to apologize to Joe for that remark?

Sen. Barack Obama: [ looking into the camera ] Uhhh — Joe, when attempting to confirm your existence…

Sen. John McCain: Senator, why don’t you say it to his face? He’s right here. [ he points to the top of his desk ]

Sen. Barack Obama: [ leans his head close to McCain’s desk ] Uhhh — Joe, if I in any way implied that you do not exist, I sincerely apologize.

Sen. John McCain: [ he nods ] Joe the Plumber tells me he accepts your apology… [ cocks his ear ] Wait a second, what’s that? No, don’t worry, my tiny friend, I won’t let him raise your taxes.

Bob Schieffer: Alright, we have time for one more question. Let’s talk about the people each of you would bring into government, and their qualifications. Specifically, your running mates. Senator Obama?

Sen. Barack Obama: For nearly 35 years, uh, Joe Biden has established a reputation for honesty, uh, compassion, and a mastery of the issues affecting this nation. Uhh, I can’t think of anyone more qualified to assume the Presidency, should anything happen to me.

Bob Schieffer: Senator McCain.

Sen. John McCain: Bob, I’ve known Senator Biden for nearly 25 years. I think he’s a good man, but let me say something here: he has never been particularly nice to Joe the Plumber. I think Joe the Plumber resents that. In fact, I KNOW he does. But as to my own running mate, Governor Palin, I couldn’t be more proud of her. Now, on the question of people I’d bring into government, let me say here tonight, that, as President, I will be the first to add a cabinet-level Department of Plumbing. And you know how I’m going to tap for that post?

Bob Schieffer: Joe the Plumber?

Sen. John McCain: Bingo! Joe the Plumber. You’re damn straight.

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhh, what about your mutual friend Simon, who also lives in the cigar box under your box?

Sen. John McCain: Senator, Simon cannot serve in the Cabinet, because Simon… is a unicorn. And I think you know that.

Bob Schieffer: [ shakes his head ] And that concludes tonight’s third and final Presidential debate. From all of us here at Hofstra University, goodnight and Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night”!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Funeral Remembrances



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22







08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Funeral Remembrances

Priest….Jason Sudeikis
Nephew….Bill Hader
Graham Yost….Will Ferrell
Ms.Baerwald….Casey Wilson
Old Blonde….Michaela Watkins
Girl mourner….Abby Elliott
Gayle….Kristen Wiig
Ex-Boyfriend….Fred Armisen
Friend of a cousin….Will Forte
Obnoxious guy….Bobby Moynihan
Glenda Goodwin….Maya Rudolph

[Opens with a funeral home, cut to one of the rooms and there is a funeral service in process. A young girl speaks at a podium]

Girl mourner: And even though I only knew Mr. Baerwald a short time, I will treasure my memories of him for the rest of my life.[leaves, sits down. The priest talks into his hand held microphone]

Priest: Thank you, thank you. That’s lovely. All right, we’ve heard a lot of wonderful stories about Joseph today and now we’re going to move our celebration into the adjoining room for soft drinks and delicious homemade nachos. Thank you to the Hernandez family for that. [a young man whispers in the priest’s ear] Oh, yeah. Of course. One last remembrance of Joseph Baerwald. [gives the young man the mic]

Nephew: Hey, everybody. Uncle Joey was a great guy and before he passed he said I could get his watch. Its a neon green Swatch. It’s a collector’s item and it’s missing. If you have it, I’m gonna put this Ugg boot on top of the coffin. [puts the boot on top of the coffin] Ok? Put the watch in the boot and there will be no questions asked. I appreciate it. [gives mic to the priest]

Priest: There you go. That’s lovely. Ok, all right, so this sad of events on a very tragic loss, but now we’re gonna move on. We’re gonna take the—[a red headed guy whispers in the priest’s ear] no, of course, of course. This will be the very last remembrance—[guy insists and whispers some more in the priest’s ear] yeah, I heard you, yeah I’m gonna do it. This will be the very last remembrance. And FYI there will be another service here in 5 minutes.[gives the mic to the guy]

Graham Yost: Hey, my name is Graham. Like the cracker. My last name is Yost. Like french toast but with a Y. There is no A. If there are any movie buffs here I bear no blood relation to the screenwriter of “Speed” but I’m currently on it. And um, but I’m joking about that. I’m a botanist and a stand-up comedian. And with the out most respect to Joseph’s wife of 31 years, I have been Joseph’s secret lover for 32.[disturbed look on Ms.Baerwald] And that is also a joke. Um, I have never met a lot of you but I just want to say that I will really miss Joseph and I also be performing at the Comedy Shoppe on May 29th, 30th, June 1st, 2nd, 5th, 7th and 25th. If you’d like a flyer I’ll just leave a stack on the casket. [leaves a stack on the casket] I know Joseph will want all of you to be there. Every night. [gives mic back to priest]

Priest: Thank you, thank you. We’ll be sure to look out your show. It looks like we’re done here. Ok, and I have to say—[a girl carrying an oxygen tank with tubes down her nose steps up to the priest] ok, one last one. [gives her the mic]

Gayle: [breaths heavy into the mic] There is a large rodent of some kind trapped in my floorboards. I hear it scuttling about when I’m home alone. If there is anyone here who can kill it, I will give you the rewards of the flesh that you will never forget. [Priest takes the mic off of Gayle]

Priest: Ok, thank you. That was a wonderful offer. Ok, we really got to move on now…[a young guy with long hair and a suit with short pants and boots takes the mic off of the priest]

Ex-Boyfriend: Hey, look at this. All the Baerwald cousins in one room. Trip on that. You know, I know a lot of you been saying that I could never get myself a blonde. Well, turn around and take a look at the back. All of you turn around. [an old blonde with big glasses and sucking a popsicle waves] That’s mine. A blonde. I got myself a blonde. If you guys are looking for me later I’ll be in the back making out. I think you guys know what that sounds. It’ll sound like this. [passionate moaning into the mic] Mmmmm, aaaaah, mmmmmm. Times two. [Annoyed the Priest takes the mic back]

Priest: Ok. I would recomend that everyone look up the meaning of the word respect in the dictionary when they get home.

[a blonde guy with big sunglasses takes the mic from the priest, priest is angry]

Priest: You’re killing me, you’re killing me…

A friend of a cousin: [low grave voice] This year I’ve seen so much death. My cousin Earl died in my arms after a horrible run-in with a water-taxi. Mother died 2 weeks later in an accident for which I’m currently being framed. But perhaps the most tragic death is the death of the American dream because of the failed economic policies of Barack Hussein Obama. I say his middle name because it matters. This is a man who will be shutting down the Guantanamo Bay detention center letting a bunch of turbans run willy-nilly to terrorize my United States of America. So say goodbye to your loved ones and enjoy 2009 because 2010 is going to be a bloodbath of biblical proportions. I took the watch. [gives mic to the priest]

Priest: Wonderful, wonderful. Mystery solv—[a guy snatches the mic from the priest]

Obnoxious guy: WHA-A-A-AT???!!! [drops mic causing feedback, priest picks mic up]

Priest: What is that?! Ok, all right. So that was it. So we’re going to—

[Glenda Goodwin appears with her own mic]

Glenda Goodwin: Hello.

Priest: Where did you get that?

Glenda Goodwin: My name is Glenda Goodwin. I have not known this guy for no time at all. But one thing I do know, Sasquatches are real. And real freaky. And I will like to dedicate this song to this dead person. [to the tune of “Amazing Grace”] Amazing Sasquatch, your powers are many, you walk through the woods and get photographed! You don’t need a coat but you do need a comb, because your body is basically a beard.[priest tries to end it] Verse 2. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, where are the nachos?

Priest:[points] Right in there.

Glenda Goodwin: Thank you so much, young lady.[leaves]

Priest: So what I’d love for everybody to do at this point is just—

[Graham returns and takes mic from the priest]

Graham Yost: One of my show dates has been canceled. So I had to make some quick changes. I’m no longer doing the show on the 7th. But I do have some good news though, we were able to add some shows in September.

Priest:[angry] Ok, I’m outta here. [leaves]

Graham Yost: The 4th, September 8th, 9th, the 3rd.

[Glenda appear eating nachos]

Glenda Goodwin: [to the tune of “Amazing Grace”] Amazing nachos, how zesty the cheese….

Graham Yost: September 14th, two shows on the 15th…

[fade] [cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 2: 10/16/08: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 2






Weekend Update Thursday 2

Goodnights

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Crazy McCain Supporter…..Kristen Wiig

Amy Poehler: Thank you so much. We will see you back here this Saturday for the next live show.

Seth Meyers: And then join us next Thursday for the next “Saturday Night LiveWeekend Update Thursday”. Good night!

Amy Poehler: Good night!

[ the crazed McCain supporter wanders back onto the set. Seth stands up and slow-dances with her, before she continues on her way ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22




08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Goodnights

…..Will Ferrell

Will Ferrell: Thanks to Green Day! Tom Hanks! Norm MacDonald! Amy Poehler! Maya Reedolph — Rudolph! Reedolph? [ he shrugs ] Paul Rudd! Anne Hathaway! Artie Lange! Elisabeth Moss!

[ he wraps his arm around Darrell Hammond ]

This is Darrell Hammond, right here!

[ cast members begin to point out Hammond and hug him as the credits roll ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 2: 10/16/08: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 2









Weekend Update Thursday 2

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Crazy McCain Supporter…..Kristen Wiig
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Hello, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:

Last night marked the third and final debate between Joe Cool and Yosemite Sam.

With just nineteen days left until the election, Barack Obama warned supporters today to guard against overconfidence. Then he boarded Air Force One, blasted “We Are The Champions”, and shouted “I’m King of the World.”

Seth Meyers: Barack Obama has begun running campaign ads within video games, such as “Madden NFL ’09” and “Burnout”. Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside MRI machines.

A 20-year-old woman in Flint, Michigan has been painting Winnie the Pooh characters on the sides of vacant houses, in hopes of beautifying the economically-depressed area. Because nothing says “We’re back!” like the sight of a bear who can’t afford pants and his best friend, a depressed donkey.

[ the Crazy McCain Supporter wanders onto the front of the set ]

Seth Meyers: Ohhhh, oh no. It’s that crazy lady from the McCain rally.

Amy Poehler: Oh, no…

Seth Meyers: Oh, no…

Crazy McCain Supporter: I gotta ask you a question. About Obama…

Seth Meyers: Well — now’s really not a good time…

Crazy McCain Supporter: I dough not…I can’t trust him. Obama.

Seth Meyers: Why — why can’t you trust Obama?

Crazy McCain Supporter: I read about him…and he’s a…he’s a…he’s a…he’s a Arab.

Seth Meyers: No. No, ma’am, he’s not an Arab.

Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Oh, ‘cuz I went to the liberry and had this little black girl help me look up Obama on the computer pages, and let me tell you…it says he cavorts with terriers.

Seth Meyers: With terriers? No, ma’am. No, he does not do that…

Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Oh. Maybe I, uh, heard I read that…

[ she wanders off ]

Amy Poehler: Public school officials in Chicago, Illinois are recommending approval of a “gay-friendly” high school, because harassment and violence are causing gay students to drop out at alarming rates. However, officials were surprised when they found out that that gay high school already exists. [ image: “High School Musical” logo ] [ the Crazy McCain Supporter wanders onto the back of the set ]

Amy Poehler: Uh oh, she’s back. She’s back. Ma’am, please sit down.

Crazy McCain Supporter: I got the proof that Obama, he’s a…he’s a muslin.

Amy Poehler: Obama is a muslin? No, ma’am. Muslin is a kind of fabric.

Crazy McCain Supporter: You know, he wasn’t born here…and he’s…he’s…he’s a Jer.

Amy Poehler: What? A Jer?

Crazy McCain Supporter: Yeah, he’s a big Jer. He’s Jerish.

Amy Poehler: Oh, you mean Jewish? Ma’am, no, he’s not Jewish.

Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Well, I do know he’s fifty percent Egyptan. And he’s gonna change the White House to a pyramid.

Amy Poehler: No, ma’am. No, he is not. No.

Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Obama…He wants all the weddings to be gay weddings and they have orgys.

Amy Poehler: Orgies? No ma’am. I don’t know where you’re getting this stuff…

Crazy McCain Supporter: And, uh, the stem stells…

Seth Meyers: I think she means stem cells.

Crazy McCain Supporter: No… [ she wanders off again ]

Seth Meyers: Crazy McCain Rally Lady, everybody!

More than 140 colleges across the country have completely banned smoking on campus, which is more than triple the number from a year ago. Still bucking the trend: The University of Winston-Salem Lights.

The Lake Champlain Regional Chamber of Commerce held the First Annual Giant Pumpkin Regatta Sunday, in which participants rowed giant pumpkins. So, yeah — I think America’s gonna be all right!

A miniature horse has been given a second chance for a career as a show horse, thanks to a prosthetic eye. When told about this incident, a race horse with a broken leg said, “What?!”

Seth Meyers: You know, uh, we can be a little bit negative at “Weekend Update”. So, in an effort to be positive about the debate that happened last night, we’d like to introduce a new segment we call ‘We Liked It’

You know, I liked that debate. I liked how the candidates didn’t answer certain questions and stuck to their talking points. And I liked how they kept talking about Joe the plumber. That guy got more shout outs than the Moms at the Source Awards.

Amy Poehler: You know what I liked, Seth? I liked how they talked about education because I think teachers are underpaid. But you know, who’s not underpaid? Plumbers. Plumbers are doing just fine. They are recession-proof. You might not buy a new car when the economy is down, but if your toilet’s backed up, you’re calling a plumber. America will put up with a lot, but we will not settle for being ankle-deep in our own poop.

Seth Meyers: And you know what else I like? I like how the candidates always thank the host school, even though we all know they have nothing better going on. I mean, it’s amazing to think that, what else were they going to do at Hofstra last night? I mean, was the a cappella group going to sing? I mean, it’s college football season we’re talking about Hofstra, for goodness sake!

Amy Poehler: You know what I like? I like how, in two debates, John McCain has compared Obama to Herbert Hoover. Aw, snap!

Seth Meyers: Yeah! Yeah!

Amy Poehler: Way to connect with the youth of the country with a Hoover reference. You got him good. But you know what? Why stop there? Hey young people, what about William Ayers? That guy is a regular Emma Goldman. You know, the anarchist who incited violence in the early 1900’s? Oh, you don’t know? That’s because your teachers get paid worse than plumbers!

Seth Meyers: And, John McCain: I like how you keep saying you wish there had been more town hall debates, even though you were not good at your town hall debate. You were lurching at people and walking around like you should have been wearing a hospital gown.

Amy Poehler: You know what else we like?

Together: Split screen!

Amy Poehler: We like split screens! We like how it seems like the other person doesn’t know they’re still on camera so they sigh and roll their eyes. But, Obama, you gotta stop smiling. You need a poker face. I know you have a full house, and the other guy’s going all-in… but you can’t start buying drinks for everyone.

Seth Meyers: And hey McCain, you also have to stop smiling — just in general. Trust me on that. I’ve seen more natural smiles on hounted hause — haunted house skeletons…

Amy Poehler: You want to give that one another try?

Seth Meyers: Haunted house skeletons!

Amy Poehler: There we go! But otherwise, we liked it.”

Seth Meyers: We liked it!

Amy Poehler: We still liked it!

Seth Meyers: We’ll be right back with more “Weekend Update”!

[ fade to commercial ] [ return to the newsdesk ]

Seth Meyers: Welcome back to “Weekend Update”!

Amy Poehler: Welcome back!

Seth Meyers: As Barack Obama gains momentum, some Democrats are worried about “The Bradley Effect” — a term named after former Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley, an African-American who lost the election for governor despite showing a significant lead in the polls. Here to comment, is the Reverend Jesse Jackson.”

Jesse Jackson: Greetings, Seth and Amy. Uh, the Bradley Effect is a reality that is both unavoidable AND… unequivocal. It is a phenomenon we all hope will not become… an Obama-non. According to a recent CNN/Yahoo poll, when voters were asked, “Would you elect an African-American president?” 87% responded “Yes”. But, when asked the follow-up question: “Really?”… that number dropped to 30%.

Seth Meyers: Well, most pundits estimate The Bradley Effect at around six percentage points. Do you think it could happen to Obama?

Jesse Jackson: Oh, most certainly. In fact, when I ran for President in 1984, the Bradley Effect cost me 43%. It was certainly not because I had no experience, had never held an elected office, or that I referred to New York… as “Hymietown”.

Seth Meyers: So you think that, despite the polls, some racism might come through when people get in the voting booth?

Jesse Jackson: Absolutely. There is often a disparity between what white people say… and what they do. They tell their black friends they enjoy hip-hop, but look at their CD collection… and all they have is a Tone-Loc album from 1987, and Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back”.

Seth Meyers: But, obviously, Obama still has an excellent chance to win, right?

Jesse Jackson: Absolutely! For, tonight, in 2008, the dream of a black President is actual! And numerically factual! And realistically blacktual! Keep hope alive! And keep hope alive! Keep hope alive!

Seth Meyers: The Reverend Jesse Jackson everyone!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Celebrity Jeopardy



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22











08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Kristen Wiig
…..Tom Hanks
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald

[ open on “Jeopardy” graphics ] [ dissolve to game show set ]

Alex Trebek: And welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I’d like to once again remind our contestants that there are proper bathroom facilities located in the studio. We’ve got a real barn burner on our hands. In the lead, we have Kathie Lee Gifford, a first time player.

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a rap accent ] Heeyyy, who you callin’ a playa, G? G? What’s that mean — Grandpa? [ she chuckles ] Is that what the G stands for? Frank, you got a new nickname — G!

Alex Trebek: And you have -$22,400. In second place, with -$46,700, is Tom Hanks.

[ the audience shrieks at the sight of the real Tom Hanks ]

Tom Hanks: [ leaning to speak into his pen ] I-I-I am a slow starter, Alex, but I think you will find that I will catch up with Double Jeopardy.

Alex Trebek: Well, you’ve, uh — you’ve managed to cast away quite a number of points.

Tom Hanks: [ he shrugs ] I’m sorry… what’s that?

Alex Trebek: Oh, I’m sorry. I was making a pun on the title of your movie, “Cast Away”.

Tom Hanks: I — I don’t know what that is.

Alex Trebek: The movie you were in — “Cast Away”.

Tom Hanks: Oh, ha ha! Ha ha! I still don’t understand.

Alex Trebek: Fine. And, uh, by the way, Tom — that is a pen, not a microphone.

[ Hanks pulls out the pen and blows into it ]

Alex Trebek: And, in last place, with -$69… [ he looks to the heavens ] Oh, brother… Sean Connery. -$69? okay, that wasn’t your score!

Sean Connery: Well, 69 is how I scored with your MOTHER last night! POW!! [ he laughs and accidentally yanks his pen off the podium ]

Alex Trebek: Let’s just move onto the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: “Potent Potables”… “Sounds That Kitties Make”… “Twinkle Twinkle Little ____”… “Catch These Men” — every answer is a person on the FBI’s Most Wanted List, so let’s just forget that category [ he tears the answers cards ] I’m pretty sure that that would not turn out well —

Sean Connery: I turned out your MOTHER last night!

Alex Trebek: I’m ignoring you!

Sean Connery: It’s a prison term — it means I’ve got her working as a prostitute in my employ!

Alex Trebek: My mother is infirmed — she uses a walker!

Sean Connery: She IS a walker! A STREET WALKER!! [ he laughs obnoxiously ]

Alex Trebek: [ fuming on ] Moving on: “States That End In Hampshire”… “What Color Is Green”… and “Current Black Presidents”. Kathie Lee, let’s start with you.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Um… “Potent Potables”? I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is.

Alex Trebek: It’s… about alcohol.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Ohhh! In that case, I’ll take “Potent Potables”! [ she laughs and mimes drinking to the camera ]

Alex Trebek: For how much?

Kathie Lee Gifford: How about a glass full? [ she holds up a wine glass ] Right? Come on! Hand in over, Tree Bark, let’s go!

Alex Trebek: We-we-we don’t have wine!

Kathie Lee Gifford: That’s okay, I brought my own! [ she pulls out a little baggie of Chardonney and squeezes it into her glass ]

Alex Trebek: Great. Okay. Fine. Tom, let’s just go with you.

Tom Hanks: Well, where are we going?

Alex Trebek: Nowhere! Nowhere! Pick a category!

Tom Hanks: Uh — uh — I’ll take $600.

Alex Trebek: In what category?

Tom Hanks: The… Video Daily Double.

Alex Trebek: I had such high hopes for you. You know what? Let’s just do “States That End In Hampshire”, for $200. [ reveal square ] “This is the only state ending in Hampshire.”

Tom Hanks: [ buzzes in ] South Hampshire.

Alex Trebek: No!

Tom Hanks: Oh, I’m sorry… I’m sorry! What is South Hampshire?

Alex Trebek: No! No! Kathie Lee!

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ she buzzes in ] Hampshire, England.

Alex Trebek: No, no! That’s not in the United States!

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a cockney accent ] I’m sorry, Guv’nor! Please, sir, may I have some more? [ she raises her glass and laughs ]

Alex Trebek: No. Sean Connery, would you pick a category?

Sean Connery: I’ll take “Catch The Semen” for $800.

Alex Trebek: [ flabbergasted ] It’s NOT “Catch The Semen”!

Sean Connery: Is that what the moustache is for, Trebek?

Alex Trebek: [ fuming ] Tom Hanks, would you just pick a category?

[ reveal Hanks with his hand caught in a pickle jar ]

Alex Trebek: And he has his hand stuck in a pickle jar.

Tom Hanks: Uh, it’s on my hand.

Alex Trebek: Where did you get that pickle jar?

Tom Hanks: Uh, I-I-I wanted a pickle.

Alex Trebek: Tom, let go of it! Let — [ Tom pulls his other hand off the base of the jar ] No, not the jar! Let go of the pickle!

Tom Hanks: But I — but I want a pickle.

Alex Trebek: But we CAN’T keep playing if you DON’T let go of the pickle!

Sean Connery: That’s what your MOTHER said last night! [ he laughs obnoxiously ] Take THAT, you poltroon!

Alex Trebek: Moving on. Kathie Lee, you have the board.

Kathie Lee Gifford: I am bored! I am bored! [ she yawns playfully amd laughs ] Do people actually watch this show?

Alex Trebek: Yes. It’s actually quite popular… [ he glances onward ] And Tom Hanks is caught in a drycleaning bag.

[ reveal Hanks struggling to break free of the bag without asphyxiating himself ]

Alex Trebek: Can someone help him? No? No one can help Tom Hanks? What’s going on here? Alright, let’s just move on!

[ a buzzer goes off ]

Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

[ reveal Reynolds suddenly in the game ]

Alex Trebek: Wait, what? Burt Reynolds? Where did you come from?

Burt Reynolds: What, I’ve been here the whole time!

Alex Trebek: No, you haven’t!

Burt Reynolds: Sure, I have! Before! I’ll take, uh — give me, uh — “Famous Chinamen” for $200.

Alex Trebek: There is NO Chinamen category! And there would never be ANYTHING that offensive!

Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is… Pat Morita?

Alex Trebek: First of all, Pat Morita was Japenese, not Chinese!

Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is Kam Fong as Chin Ho?

Alex Trebek: Good Lord! Let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy. The category is: “Nonsense Words”. Just write a random series of letters — any letters — as long as it’s not a word, you will win.

[ scroll across the celebrities: Kathie Lee writing her answer while looking directly at the camera, Hanks receiving a shock as he touches the pen to his tongue, then banging his head on the podium and falling to the floor ]

Alex Trebek: Let’s see what rare gems our cotenstants have mined today. Kathie Lee, let’s see your nonsense word.

[ screen reveals: “Hoda Kotb” ]

Alex Trebek: Hoda Kotb. That’s not a nonsense word. You’ve bet your co-host on “The Today Show”.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Kotb? Believe me, that’s nonsense! Where’s the vowel? Where’s the vowel? Kotb? What’s that?

Alex Trebek: And your wager?

[ screen reveals: “That I’ll be passed out in an hour” ]

Alex Trebek: You wagered that you’ll be passed out in an hour.

Kathie Lee Gifford: You’re darn tootin’, pardner! I am Hoda Cowboy!

Alex Trebek: Alright. [ he moves along ] Tom Hanks? [ Hanks rises from behind his podium ] You managed to give yourself a pretty nasty welt there. Let’s see what you wrote.

[ reveal a busted podium screen ]

Alex Trebek: And… you broke your podium.

Tom Hanks: [ holds up his pen ] See, what happened was…

Alex Trebek: Okay, again, that’s a pen! That’s not a microphone! That’s not a microphone!

Tom Hanks: Sibilence! Sibilence!

Alex Trebek: [ he moves along ] Burt Reynolds..? Where — where is Burt Reynolds? Burt Reynolds’ podium just vanished!

Sean Connery: He was never here, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Yes, he was!

Sean Connery: No, he wasn’t!

Alex Trebek: Yes, he was! But let’s just see what you wrote. [ Connery’s screen reveals what looks like “101SSSB” ] Wow! That IS a nonsense word! Judges? Yes! Yes, the judges agree! Fantastic work, Mr. Connery! I’m so very happy in this moment.

Sean Connery: Well… I thought you could use a friend.

Alex Trebek: [ he nods humbly ] Thank you. Thank you, Sean. [ he pats Connery’s hand ]

Sean Connery: You’re welcome.

Alex Trebek: … Let’s see what my “friend”, Sean, wagered.

[ lower half of screen reveals a drawing of Trebek’s grave, Connery, and a piece of poop surrounded by flies ]

Alex Trebek: If I’m looking at that correctly, that’s you, I take it, defecating on my grave.

Sean Connery: It was right after I had sex with your MOTHER, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s it! Show’s over, good night!

[ Burt Reynolds re-enters, wearing a pair of Hulk hands like boxing gloves and making for Trebek ]

Burt Reynolds: Come on! I got some Hulk hands!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday: 10/23/08



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 3



Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

October 23rd, 2008

None

None

None

Will Ferrell

Tina Fey

None


A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: Despite Sen. John McCain’s (Darrell Hammond) efforts to avoid it, President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) grants an official endorsement to him and Gov. Sarah Palin (Tina Fey).

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Gov. Sarah Palin, Todd Palin, Sen. John McCain.

Transcript

Montage

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Fred Armisen demonstrates the cool technological prowess of the Weekend Update Megapixel Giant Touch Map. Finiancial expert Oscar Rogers (Kenan Thompson) still thinks the solution to the economic crisis is to “Fix it!” Andy Samberg “Jams the Vote” and vomits in his attempts to sway unregistered voters.

Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Inside The NBA



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22






08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Inside The NBA

Ernie Johnson, Jr…..Bill Hader
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
Mark…..Will Ferrell
Rachel…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on TNT’s “Inside the NBA” desk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Welcome back! We’re going into an incredible third overtime in this game, set between the Boston Celtics and the Orlando Magic. Charles, this is a great game so far.

Charles Barkley: Oh, absolutely, E.J.! This game is phenomenal! It’s like the basketblal equivalent of a McRib sandwich.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: And after the game, be sure to stay tuned for the series premiere of “Mark”.

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark posing for the camera ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How does a single dad raise three kids and keep his sanity? Don’t ask Mark. Fridays at 9:30.

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: [ mouth agape ] Yeah, I don’t watch much TV… but I will be watching “Mark”! He looks hilarious!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles, Orlando has twice been in control, and once Boston hit three pointers to tie. What’s the psychological effect of that?

Charles Barkley: Well, it’s not good. Orlando needs to step up their brunt of the defense.

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a Dustbuster and a baby ]

Charles Barkley: [ excited ] Oh! Mark’s back! Now he’s got a baby and a Dustbuster! [ laughing ] Hey, Mark! You can’t dust bust a baby!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. What do you call a single dad with three kids and no clue? “Mark”. From the creators of “Jeff”.

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: “Mark” is an instant classic!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, the big story tonight has to be Ray Allen, who left with a knee injury. Still no word on how serious the injury is…

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark dancing the Moonwalk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Uh…

[ Barkley bounces his had in rhythm ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles… Charles. Charles!

Charles Barkley: Look at Mark!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, I see him.

Charles Barkley: He’s dancing!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, yeah. I see that.

Charles Barkley: [ on the verge of tears ] Oh, my God! Look at him go!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. Who says life’s over once you have kids? Mark did. “Mark”. Followed by an all new episode of “Courting Rachel”. [ Rachel enters the graphic ] She’s a non-nonsense judge who’s also a supermodel.

Charles Barkley: Ohhhh! Mark likes that!

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: [ laughing ] Who comes up with this stuff!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How about we, uh, look back at Toyota’s “Keys to Victory”? Alright…

Charles Barkley: Okay, so is Mark not in this part?

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: NO!

Charles Barkley: I miss Mark.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ in front of “Keys to Victory” graphic board ] Okay. To win this game, the Celtics are gonna need to limit their fouls, control the paint, and get the ball to pierce. On the other side… [ graphic board now reads “Mark’s Keys to Life” ] We’re doing what?

[ Mark appears in the graphic ]

Mark: Mark’s Keys to Life! Step 1: Don’t Get Married! Step 2: Find a Babysitter. Step 3: You Gotta Laugh.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Great…

Charles Barkley: [ laughing out loud ] Oh, I am staying up late for THAT! I’m gonna have to get me a case of Red Bulls, and make me some Stouffer’s Macaroni Pockets!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can we get back to basketball, please? Charles, is there any way the Celtics can replace Ray Allen?

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, E.J. — put MARK in!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: That’s NOT gonna happen!

Charles Barkley: Well, it should! I mean, that’s just the kind of crazy, mixed-up situation Mark lives for!

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a flaming container of food ]

Charles Barkley: Oh! Speak of the devil! Hey, Mark! Your casserole’s on fire!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: He can’t hear you!!

Charles Barkley: I know! It’s just playfullness! Hey, Mark! Wear your oven mitts! [ he claps his hands joyously ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: This is not what I agreed to… I’m not gonna do this any more! [ he gets up to leave ]

Charles Barkley: Hey, E.J. — you mind if I hang out with Mark a little bit?

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, great. You can do what you want to. [ he exits ]

Charles Barkley: Oh, I love you, Mark!

Mark: I love you, too, Charles Barkley!

[ Barkley swoons and begins to extend his hand over Mark’s casserole and playfully pretend it’s burning his hand ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 3: 10/23/08: A Message from the President of the United States



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 3










Weekend Update Thursday 3

A Message from the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Aide…..Will Forte
Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Todd Palin…..Jason Sudeikis
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated in the Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Hello, my fellow Americans. I have chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night because, quite frankly, every time I speak during the day, the Stock Market goes in the crapper. So, sorry, Asian markets. You take the hit on this one. I come to you tonight in the midst of a very important election between two very qualified candidates: the hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy. Both candidates are heavily patriotized, and display much characterization. And, yes, I did have three Xanax and a Silver Bullet about a half-hour ago. I’m out of here in a few months, so screw it! [ he laughs ] But, before I leave, I wanted to help Sarah Palin and John McCain, by giving them what every candidate wants most: a prime-time, heavily-publicized network endorsement from George W. Bush. Hey, don’t pinch yourself John, you are awake!

Now, I tried to do this several months ago, but somehow it kept getting pushed to a written press release or a shouted sentence as I walked to the helicopter. I began to suspect that they didn’t want my endorsement to be too public. But now, with the country on a big upswing and my numbers on the rise, I thought it was time to give a proper, large scale “much love” to McCain and Palin…

[ an aide leans in and whispers in Bush’s ear ]

President George W. Bush: What? Really? Why didn’t you tell me that, Jeff?

[ the aide shrugs and exits ]

President George W. Bush: I’ve just been told by my trusted aide Jeff, that the country is actually in a horrible downward spiral and that my approval numbers are lower than ever. That one’s on me, uh — four months ago, I declared the Oval Office a bummer-free zone, so… You know what, let’s bring on Senator McCain and Governor Palin.

[ Gov. Sarah Palin enters the Oval Office, smiles and waves to the audience, shakes Bush’s hand, then sits against the front of the desk with him ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: So nice to meet you, Mr. President. I’ve seen you on TV.

President George W. Bush: Thank you. Where’s, uh — where’s McRage?

Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, John McCain and I have been so busy travelin’ around this great country of ours, talkin’ about change and energy independence and William Ayers, and doin’ a little shoppin’! But, unfortunately, Senator McCain, upon hearing you wanted to give him a super public endorsement, cannot be found. He was last seen travelin’ on foot through the Adirondacks. But my husband, Todd, and two of his drinkin’ buddies are in pursuit on snowmachines.

President George W. Bush: Well, we’ll smoke him out. George Bush always finds his man, save for one huge exception.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Yeah, we are gonna get ‘er done!

President George W. Bush: [ impressed ] My God, you are folksy!

Gov. Sarah Palin: Why, thank you, Mr. President. I like to think I’m one part practiced folksy, one part sassy, and a little dash of high school bitchy. [ she gives a wink and a smile ]

President George W. Bush: For a little while, I was trying to be folksy, but, after a bit, it just came off douchey. All right, let me get into my endorsement for you as Vice President.

[ to the camera ] As you know America, the office of Vice President is the most important office in the land. The Vice President decides when we go to war, how we tax the citizens, and how we interpret the Constitution. The President can do nothing without checking with the Vice President. That is why Sarah Palin…

Gov. Sarah Palin: Actually, Mr. President, I don’t want to go all Katie Couric on you, but, um, I think it’s actually the other way around. I think the Vice President reports to the President.

President George W. Bush: Really? That’s not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me down on the first day.

[ suddenly, Todd Palin enters with John McCain at his side ]

Todd Palin: Well, we out-mavericked the Maverick!

[ Todd pushes McCain towards Sarah Palin and Bush, then exits the Oval Office ]

Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my friends. Mr. President, always a pleasure.

President George W. Bush: Good to see you. Good to see you, John. Hey, let’s get a photo of this; this’ll really help your campaign out. [ he grabs McCain’s hand and holds it just above Palin’s legs ] Now, let me do this: I, George W. Bush, endorse John McCain and Sarah Palin with all my heart…

[ McCain tries to drift out of frame, but is pulled back by Bush ]

President George W. Bush: John was there for me 90% of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you’re in the voting booth, before you vote, picture this face right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George W. Bush. [ to McCain ] You’re welcome. So I want to be there for you, John, for the next eight years.

Gov. Sarah Palin: The next sixteen years! [ she holds up crossed fingers ]

President George W. Bush: [ to an off-camera photographer ] Let’s get a safety. I think I blinked on that last shot. Thumbs up, everybody. [ Palin performs a beauty pose ] But, most of all, I support them because… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”!

SNL Transcripts