SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Inside The NBA



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22






08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Inside The NBA

Ernie Johnson, Jr…..Bill Hader
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
Mark…..Will Ferrell
Rachel…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on TNT’s “Inside the NBA” desk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Welcome back! We’re going into an incredible third overtime in this game, set between the Boston Celtics and the Orlando Magic. Charles, this is a great game so far.

Charles Barkley: Oh, absolutely, E.J.! This game is phenomenal! It’s like the basketblal equivalent of a McRib sandwich.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: And after the game, be sure to stay tuned for the series premiere of “Mark”.

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark posing for the camera ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How does a single dad raise three kids and keep his sanity? Don’t ask Mark. Fridays at 9:30.

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: [ mouth agape ] Yeah, I don’t watch much TV… but I will be watching “Mark”! He looks hilarious!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles, Orlando has twice been in control, and once Boston hit three pointers to tie. What’s the psychological effect of that?

Charles Barkley: Well, it’s not good. Orlando needs to step up their brunt of the defense.

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a Dustbuster and a baby ]

Charles Barkley: [ excited ] Oh! Mark’s back! Now he’s got a baby and a Dustbuster! [ laughing ] Hey, Mark! You can’t dust bust a baby!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. What do you call a single dad with three kids and no clue? “Mark”. From the creators of “Jeff”.

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: “Mark” is an instant classic!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, the big story tonight has to be Ray Allen, who left with a knee injury. Still no word on how serious the injury is…

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark dancing the Moonwalk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Uh…

[ Barkley bounces his had in rhythm ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles… Charles. Charles!

Charles Barkley: Look at Mark!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, I see him.

Charles Barkley: He’s dancing!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, yeah. I see that.

Charles Barkley: [ on the verge of tears ] Oh, my God! Look at him go!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. Who says life’s over once you have kids? Mark did. “Mark”. Followed by an all new episode of “Courting Rachel”. [ Rachel enters the graphic ] She’s a non-nonsense judge who’s also a supermodel.

Charles Barkley: Ohhhh! Mark likes that!

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: [ laughing ] Who comes up with this stuff!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How about we, uh, look back at Toyota’s “Keys to Victory”? Alright…

Charles Barkley: Okay, so is Mark not in this part?

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: NO!

Charles Barkley: I miss Mark.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ in front of “Keys to Victory” graphic board ] Okay. To win this game, the Celtics are gonna need to limit their fouls, control the paint, and get the ball to pierce. On the other side… [ graphic board now reads “Mark’s Keys to Life” ] We’re doing what?

[ Mark appears in the graphic ]

Mark: Mark’s Keys to Life! Step 1: Don’t Get Married! Step 2: Find a Babysitter. Step 3: You Gotta Laugh.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Great…

Charles Barkley: [ laughing out loud ] Oh, I am staying up late for THAT! I’m gonna have to get me a case of Red Bulls, and make me some Stouffer’s Macaroni Pockets!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can we get back to basketball, please? Charles, is there any way the Celtics can replace Ray Allen?

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, E.J. — put MARK in!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: That’s NOT gonna happen!

Charles Barkley: Well, it should! I mean, that’s just the kind of crazy, mixed-up situation Mark lives for!

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a flaming container of food ]

Charles Barkley: Oh! Speak of the devil! Hey, Mark! Your casserole’s on fire!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: He can’t hear you!!

Charles Barkley: I know! It’s just playfullness! Hey, Mark! Wear your oven mitts! [ he claps his hands joyously ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: This is not what I agreed to… I’m not gonna do this any more! [ he gets up to leave ]

Charles Barkley: Hey, E.J. — you mind if I hang out with Mark a little bit?

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, great. You can do what you want to. [ he exits ]

Charles Barkley: Oh, I love you, Mark!

Mark: I love you, too, Charles Barkley!

[ Barkley swoons and begins to extend his hand over Mark’s casserole and playfully pretend it’s burning his hand ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 3: 10/23/08: A Message from the President of the United States



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 3










Weekend Update Thursday 3

A Message from the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Aide…..Will Forte
Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Todd Palin…..Jason Sudeikis
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated in the Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Hello, my fellow Americans. I have chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night because, quite frankly, every time I speak during the day, the Stock Market goes in the crapper. So, sorry, Asian markets. You take the hit on this one. I come to you tonight in the midst of a very important election between two very qualified candidates: the hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy. Both candidates are heavily patriotized, and display much characterization. And, yes, I did have three Xanax and a Silver Bullet about a half-hour ago. I’m out of here in a few months, so screw it! [ he laughs ] But, before I leave, I wanted to help Sarah Palin and John McCain, by giving them what every candidate wants most: a prime-time, heavily-publicized network endorsement from George W. Bush. Hey, don’t pinch yourself John, you are awake!

Now, I tried to do this several months ago, but somehow it kept getting pushed to a written press release or a shouted sentence as I walked to the helicopter. I began to suspect that they didn’t want my endorsement to be too public. But now, with the country on a big upswing and my numbers on the rise, I thought it was time to give a proper, large scale “much love” to McCain and Palin…

[ an aide leans in and whispers in Bush’s ear ]

President George W. Bush: What? Really? Why didn’t you tell me that, Jeff?

[ the aide shrugs and exits ]

President George W. Bush: I’ve just been told by my trusted aide Jeff, that the country is actually in a horrible downward spiral and that my approval numbers are lower than ever. That one’s on me, uh — four months ago, I declared the Oval Office a bummer-free zone, so… You know what, let’s bring on Senator McCain and Governor Palin.

[ Gov. Sarah Palin enters the Oval Office, smiles and waves to the audience, shakes Bush’s hand, then sits against the front of the desk with him ]

Gov. Sarah Palin: So nice to meet you, Mr. President. I’ve seen you on TV.

President George W. Bush: Thank you. Where’s, uh — where’s McRage?

Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, John McCain and I have been so busy travelin’ around this great country of ours, talkin’ about change and energy independence and William Ayers, and doin’ a little shoppin’! But, unfortunately, Senator McCain, upon hearing you wanted to give him a super public endorsement, cannot be found. He was last seen travelin’ on foot through the Adirondacks. But my husband, Todd, and two of his drinkin’ buddies are in pursuit on snowmachines.

President George W. Bush: Well, we’ll smoke him out. George Bush always finds his man, save for one huge exception.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Yeah, we are gonna get ‘er done!

President George W. Bush: [ impressed ] My God, you are folksy!

Gov. Sarah Palin: Why, thank you, Mr. President. I like to think I’m one part practiced folksy, one part sassy, and a little dash of high school bitchy. [ she gives a wink and a smile ]

President George W. Bush: For a little while, I was trying to be folksy, but, after a bit, it just came off douchey. All right, let me get into my endorsement for you as Vice President.

[ to the camera ] As you know America, the office of Vice President is the most important office in the land. The Vice President decides when we go to war, how we tax the citizens, and how we interpret the Constitution. The President can do nothing without checking with the Vice President. That is why Sarah Palin…

Gov. Sarah Palin: Actually, Mr. President, I don’t want to go all Katie Couric on you, but, um, I think it’s actually the other way around. I think the Vice President reports to the President.

President George W. Bush: Really? That’s not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me down on the first day.

[ suddenly, Todd Palin enters with John McCain at his side ]

Todd Palin: Well, we out-mavericked the Maverick!

[ Todd pushes McCain towards Sarah Palin and Bush, then exits the Oval Office ]

Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my friends. Mr. President, always a pleasure.

President George W. Bush: Good to see you. Good to see you, John. Hey, let’s get a photo of this; this’ll really help your campaign out. [ he grabs McCain’s hand and holds it just above Palin’s legs ] Now, let me do this: I, George W. Bush, endorse John McCain and Sarah Palin with all my heart…

[ McCain tries to drift out of frame, but is pulled back by Bush ]

President George W. Bush: John was there for me 90% of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you’re in the voting booth, before you vote, picture this face right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George W. Bush. [ to McCain ] You’re welcome. So I want to be there for you, John, for the next eight years.

Gov. Sarah Palin: The next sixteen years! [ she holds up crossed fingers ]

President George W. Bush: [ to an off-camera photographer ] Let’s get a safety. I think I blinked on that last shot. Thumbs up, everybody. [ Palin performs a beauty pose ] But, most of all, I support them because… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”!

SNL Transcripts