…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers …..Fred Armisen Oscar Rogers…..Kenan Thompson …..Andy Samberg Lunch Man…..Fred Armisen Basketball Man…..Jason Sudeikis Woman…..Casey Wilson Black Man…..Kenan Thompson Second Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:
While campaigning for Barack Obama this week, Hillary Clinton said that the Democrats have a new slogan: “Jobs, baby, jobs”. While Bill Clinton is sticking with his slogan: “Please, baby, please.”
The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to U.S. ports. “Thanks for the heads up,” said terrorists.
Seth Meyers: In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that, when the media criticizes her children, “the mama grizzly in me comes out, and makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.” Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin only moments before she shot it from a helicopter.
India, on Tuesday, launched its first unmanned moon mission. Not to be outdone, Afghanistan let a boy fly a kite.
Amy Poehler: Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as “Joe the Plumber”, said, this week, that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though, unless he said it to his bathroom mirror, he’s full of crap.
Seth Meyers: With the Presidential election only twelve days away, here is our own Fred Armisen, to show us how things are shaping up in voting districts all around the country. He’ll be using our new Weekend Update Megapixel Giant Touch Map.
[ cut to Fred Armisen across the stage, standing in front of the giant touch screen ]
Fred Armisen: Thank you! Thank you, Seth and Amy! Okay, let’s get right to the Mega Map! [ he taps “Primary Map” button, as a map of the United States scrolls onto the screen ] Great. Okay, one thing we’re gonna look at — we’re gonna want to look at Pennsylvania. Let’s look at that. [ he taps the state of Pennsylvania, which turns blue and zooms inward on county districts ] Let’s look at Harrisburg — get in really close to that. [ he zooms in on Harrisburg ] Fantastic! Let’s go back a little bit… [ he taps the screen to zoom back outward ] Back a little bit more… back a little bit more.
And… let’s go over to Idaho. [ he taps Idaho and zooms inward ] Let’s take a look at that. Let’s take a really close look at it — really, really close! Really, really close! [ he zooms into Custer County ] Excellent! Let’s go back to the map. [ he zooms back to the full country outline ]
Now, the country can be moved up and down, like so… [ he tocuhes the center of the map and sways the country up and down ] Also, don’t forget, you can also shrink it, and you can put it in your pocket, if you need to. [ he shrinks the country and scrolls it toward himself ] [ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Electoral Map” button, as a multi-colored map appears ]
Okay, let’s look at some of the states here. Remember: you can always change some of the colors. [ he taps various states and changes the colors ] You’ve got blue… blue again… a little bit of a red… red over there… a little bit of blue. [ he touches a color palette on the side of the screen and begins to draw in green on the middle of the map ] And, if you want make something out of green, we’ve got… a little face here, some whiskers… you can make a cat! [ a green cat face is revealed ] A lovely triangle nose, in that.
[ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Primary Map” button, as the blue map re-appears ]
Okay, let’s go back to the other map. Excellent! Okay, let’s lookat Ohio… [ he taps Ohio and zooms into an aeriel shot of the counties ] Let’s look really close. Let’s look at Cleveland — the Cleveland area. Let’s get in really close. Really, really close… move it over. [ inward zoom of aeriel shot of a section of Cleveland ] You can see the top of a warehouse. We’re really gonna want to look at that — very, very important. We’re gonna want to look at that warehouse.
[ Fred returns to the main screen and taps the “Game Board” button, as another multi-colored map appears ]
Okay, now let’s take a look at Oregan. Let’s move it out into the ocean. [ he touches Oregan and pulls it apart from the rest of the map ] It’s gonna be — its gonna be surrounded by water. That’s very, very dangerous. [ he taps Minnesota ] Let’s take Minnesota… let’s put it right over Virginia. [ he pulls Minnesota over Virginia ] Minnesota’s very heavy — imagine the sheer weight of it. Uh — here’s New York right there. [ he taps New York ] New York was there in 2004, as well. And we can shake it around like that. [ he moves New York back and forth ]
Seth Meyers: Sorry. Uh, Fred — what are you showing us, exactly? It seems like you just got this thing, and, you know, just want to play around with it.
Fred Armisen: [ he laughs ] Actually, what I’m doing is very important and informational.
Seth Meyers: Well.. it’s a really expensive piece of equipment, Fred, and I kind of feel like you’re wasting our time.
Fred Armisen: Right. Okay, where are you from, exactly?
Seth Meyers: I’m from New Hampshire.
Fred Armisen: New Hampshire? What a pretty state. [ he taps New Hampshire ] Wouldn’t it be a drag if we pulled it over… to Mexico? [ he pulls New Hampshire past Texas, then mocks Seth with a Mexican accent ]
Amy Poehler: Okay, Fred. Come on, stop goofing around.
Fred Armisen: Ohhh… [ his time threatened, Fred slaps both hands upon the map spreads all the states around ]
Amy Poehler: Hey! Don’t do that!
Seth Meyers: Come on, Fred! Put those states back where they belong!
Fred Armisen: Check out Michigan — I can make it BOUNCE! [ he taps Michigan and flicks it to the bottom of the screen ]
Seth Meyers: Very good.
Amy Poehler: Fred Armisen, everybody! That’s a high-end piece of equipment.
The biological father of Madonna’s adopted son said his boy might be “better off” with him in Malawi, now that she and husband Guy Ritchie are divorcing. Said the son, “Nope, I’m good,” and continued on his way to baby yoga class.
Election officials in Chicago’s northern suburbs are trying to find out why voter registration was sent to “Princess Noodleman”, a goldfish. Oh, I don’t know, maybe because she has the world’s most awesome goldfish name?
Seth Meyers: The Stock Market tumbled yet again yesterday, increasing fears that the global economy is already in a recession. Here to comment, once again, is “Weekend Update”‘s very own financial consultant, Oscar Rogers.
Oscar Rogers: [ breathless ] Hello, Seth. Hello, Amy. Hello, Seth and Amy.
Seth Meyers: Um — okay, Oscar. Last week, the Stock Market wasup nearly 500 points, and yesterday it was down more than 400 points. Do you see any hints that this roller coaster ride will be ending any time soon?
Oscar Rogers: Very good analogy, Seth! The Market is very close like a — it’s VERY much like a roller coaster ride, and I do believe it is about to end! But, before we get off, we will come to find that our digital cameras have fallen out of our shirt pocket, our brand new Ray-bans have flown off our head, and we are about to finiancially BARF on ourselves!!
Seth Meyers: Well, so what do we do?
Oscar Rogers: Well, it’s actually very simple: somebody needs to get on top of the situation, and FIX IT!! Seth, I haven’t slept in two weeks! Somebody needs to look at this mess, and FIX IT!! Tomorrow morning, when I have my bowl of Whole Grain Cheerios, the morning paper better read: “IT’S BEEN FIXED!!”
Seth Meyers: So, what exactly should be done?
Oscar Rogers: Well, it’s not rocket science, Seth. It’s a simple three-step process. Step 1: FIX! Step 2: IT! Step 3: FIX IT!! Then, repeat Steps 1 to 3 until it’s all FIXED!!
Seth Meyers: This is a lot of the same advince you gave last time.
Oscar Rogers: That’s true, Seth. Very similar. But, let me ask you: has it been FIXED?!
Seth Meyers: [ meekly ] I guess not.
Oscar Rogers: What do you think — what do you think they need to do, Seth?
Seth Meyers: I guess, fix —
Oscar Rogers: FIX IT!!!
Seth Meyers: How do we begin to fix…
Oscar Rogers: By FIXING IT!!
Seth Meyers: Who’s gonna fix it?
Oscar Rogers: THEY are!! THEY gonna FIX IT, because THEY BROKE IT!!! FIXITFIXIT!!! TO-DAY!!
Seth Meyers: Oscar Rogers, everyone. We’ll be right back with more “Weekend Update”, after this commercial break!
[ fade to commercial, then return to the newsdesk ]
Amy Poehler: Thank you! And welcome back!
Seth Meyers: Japanese climbers returning from a mountain in western Nepal, said on Tuesday that they had found footprints they think belonged to the abominable snowman, but turned out to be the footprints of a non-Japanese person.
The first commercial cell phone call in the U.S. was made twenty-five years ago this week, by Bob Barnett, on a phone that cost almost $4,000 and weighed twenty-eight ounces. We have a recording of that historic 1983 call.
[ cut to on-screen text ]
Female Voice: Hello?
Male Voice: Honey, guess what? I’m calling from the car on this new portable cell phone that I just bought!
Female Voice: That sounds neat. Oh, I got your parachute pants back from the dry cleaners.
Male Voice: Did they get the “Bartles & James” stain out?
Female Voice: Yes. Hey, only eight months until the “Ghostbusters” movie!
Male Voice: Total Pac-man Fever.
Female Voice: What? Can’t hear you.
Male Voice: Sorry, I’m cranking Quarterflash on the radio.
Female Voice: Oh my God, they’re the best and they will always be the best. By the way, how much did that phone cost?
Male Voice: $4,000.
Female Voice: What?!
Male Voice: Honey, I can’t hear you. You’re cutting out.
Female Voice: Cutting out? what does cutting out mean?
[ cut back to Amy and Seth at the news desk ]
Amy Poehler: Should we tell them?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, let’s tell them.
Together: That was US!!
Seth Meyers: Those were our voices!
A school in New York City is offering a class called “The Art of Charm”, which is a $3500 dollar, one-week program that teaches romantically challenged men how to successfully hit on women. Because if anyone’s knee-deep in tail, it’s the guy who teaches at the Learning Annex.
There is growing trend among some parents toward home-schooling children, because they believe that mandated vaccinations for public schools are unsafe. This is expected to lead to another new trend: dying of polio.
As we saw in the 2000 election, every vote counts. And, with this election, more than ever, the outcome will be decided by new voters. Our youth reproter, Andy Samberg, filed this report.
[ cut to Andy Samberg on tape, standing within the city ]
Andy Samberg: Hey, America! Andy Samberg here. As we all know, we’re coming up on one of the most important elections in our history, but what you might be surprised to know is that there’s still TONS of Americans who still aren’t registered to vote. So we’re going to hit the streets and see if we can’t teach people a thing or two about the importance of voting.
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy approaching a man eating lunch at an outdoor table ]
Andy Samberg: Excuse me, sir? Are you registered to vote?
Lunch Man: No.
Andy Samberg: May I ask why not?
Lunch Man: I just don’t see the point.
Andy Samberg: Fair enough, But, what if I told you that for the next four years, you could eat only that hot dog or only those french fries?
Lunch Man: Oh. The, uh —
Andy Samberg: Too late! [ he grabs the man’s hot dog ] The decision’s been made FOR you, and now you’re stuck with french fries for the next four years.
Lunch Man: Wow! I never thought of it that way. I think I will vote.
Andy Samberg: That’s what I thought. [ he bites into the hot dog ]
Lunch Man: Oh, careful. Spicy hot link.
Andy Samberg: I think I can handle it!
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy approaching a man standing at a car holding a basketball ]
Andy Samberg: Excuse me, sir? Are you registered to vote?
Basketball Man: Uh, no — no, I’m not.
Andy Samberg: Well, let me ask you this: which would you prefer to keep, your car or your house?
[ suddenly, Andy begins to gag from the hot dog ]
Basketball Man: You all right?
Andy Samberg: Yeah. I ate a spicy hot dog earlier, I’m fine.
Basketball Man: Uh — I guess, if I had to choose one, I’d choose my house.
Andy Samberg: Too late! The decision’s been made for you! [ he holds up the man’s car keys, then begins to choke ]
Basketball Man: Are you sure you’re all right?
Andy Samberg: Yeah… I’m fine.
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy approaching a woman on the street ]
Andy Samberg: Excuse me, ma’am, are you registered to vote?
Woman: Uhh – no, I’m not.
[ suddenly, Andy vomits into the street ]
Woman: Oh, my God!
[ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy interviewing a black man ]
Andy Samberg: So, see, if you don’t choose, someone else will choose for you.
Black Man: Well, I guess you have a point. I never relaly thought about that, I —
[ suddenly, Andy vomits across the black man’s shirt ] [ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy approaching a hardcore black man on the street, then quickly turning away as his mouth begins to twitch and vomits instead on his boom mike man ] [ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ the boom mike man vomits as well ] [ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ cut to Andy sitting along a bench ]
Andy Samberg: Can I have some food? I need to put something in my stomach, like crackers or bread or something? [ he’s handed another spicy hot dog ] Thank you. [ he begins to eat the hot dog, then twitches ] It’s a hot dog! [ he vomits the piece of hot dog he chewed on ] [ cut to Andy running toward a garbage can and vomiting into it ] [ cut to andy comiting alongside a bus ] [ cut to Andy vomiting down his own shirt ] [ to a passerby ] Are you registered to vote?
[ cut to Andy chasing after a second woman ]
Andy Samberg: Excuse me, Ma’am? Are you registered to vote?
Second Woman: You smell like puke.
Andy Samberg: Will you please talk to me? I’m trying to help register voters before the election.
Second Woman: The deadline for that was, like, two weeks ago.
Andy Samberg: It was..?
Second Woman: Yeah! [ she quickly walks away ] [ “Jam the Vote” logo appears ] [ dissolve back to the news desk ]
Seth Meyers: Thank you, Andy.
Amy Poehler: That was a very intelligent, insightful report. Very insightful!
Two British women who were lifelong friends, were surprised to discover that they were actually sisters. And have spent every day since trying really hard to forget about that one time in college.
According to secret files made public Monday, two U.S. fighter planes in 1957 were ordered to shoot down a UFO over the English countryside, but the object flew away. Another narrow escape for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Seth Meyers: A cat, named Platina Luna Blade Runner, was the winner of this year’s Best of the Best Award at the Cat Fancy Championship at Madison Square Garden. Though, I wonder if he would have won if they had used his full name: Platina Luna Hussein Blade Runner.
Officials at a small zoo in Texas are searching for a 6-foot tall camel named Moses and his pint-sized pony sidekick, Coco, who wandered away from the facility. “They went thataway,” said a man and his friend who looked nothing at all like a camel and pony in disguise.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. We’ll be right back.
Green Day: [ singing ]“Do you know what’s worth fighting for, When it’s not worth dying for? Does it take your breath away And you feel yourself suffocating? Does the pain weigh out the pride? And you look for a place to hide? Did someone break your heart inside? You’re in ruins
One, 21 guns Lay down your arms Give up the fight One, 21 guns Throw up your arms into the sky, You and I
When you’re at the end of the road And you lost all sense of control And your thoughts have taken their toll When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul Your faith walks on broken glass And the hangover doesn’t pass Nothing’s ever built to last You’re in ruins
One, 21 guns Lay down your arms Give up the fight One, 21 guns Throw up your arms into the sky, You and I
Did you try to live on your own When you burned down the house and home? Did you stand too close to the fire? Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone
When it’s time to live and let die And you can’t get another try Something inside this heart has died You’re in ruins
One, 21 guns Lay down your arms Give up the fight One, 21 guns Throw up your arms into the sky
One, 21 guns Lay down your arms Give up the fight One, 21 guns Throw up your arms into the sky, You and I.”
Summary“Saturday Night Live” returns early for its thirty-fourth season, raring to make up for time lost during last season’s Writer’s Strike with a string of performances that include an Election year special and mini-broadcasts on Thursday nights. Assisting in the election year humor were frequent guest appearances by former cast members Tina Fey and Will Ferrell as Republican running mate Gov. Sarah Palin and soon-to-be ex-President George W. Bush. The real Palin would also make a guest appearance as herself, as would Sen. John McCain in a separate episode. Cast member Amy Poehler went on temporary hiatus due to maternity leave, and then left “SNL” altogether midseason to star in her own prime-time sitcom, “Parks and Recreation”, by the Spring. For the first time since Colin Quinn hlemed the anchorman chair, “Weekend Update” would return to its roots as a solo anchor gig, now performed exclusively by long-time cast member and current Head Writer Seth Meyers. Although it has yet to be stated officially, speculation is that Darrell Hammond has finally retired from “SNL”‘s cast after a record-breaking fourteen seasons.
Fritz…..Will Ferrell Ray…..Darrell Hammond Keith…..Bill Hader Kenan…..Kenan Thompson Pianist…..Andy Samberg Guitarists…..Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte Violinists…..Michaela Watkins, Abby Elliott, Casey Wilson Drums….Fred Armisen Tambourines…..Bobby Moynihan, Kristen Wiig Flautist…..Seth Meyers Triangle…..Amy Poehler Clarinet…..Maya Rudolph Saxophonist…..Tom Hanks Guitar…..Anne Hathaway Violinist…..Paul Rudd …..Green Day Guitar…..Norm MacDonald …..Artie Lange
[ open with exterior entrance to Grand Central Station ] [ dissolve to interior, dining area, where Fritz sits with three of his buddies ]
Fritz: So… any summer plans, gentlemen? Any… vay-vay-cays… coming your way-way-way?
[ they all chuckle heartily ]
Kenan: Yeah, I think the missus and I are heading down to Mexico for a couple of weeks in June.
Fritz: Oooohh! Me-ji-co! Land of the rising sun. I love it. How about you, Keith?
Keith: I have a new baby — I think it’s gonne be more of a stay-cation, as in Stay-Up-While-She-Cries-cation!
[ they all chuckle heartily ]
Fritz: Yeah, sometimes the gift of life is also the gift of having no life!
[ they all chuckle heartily ]
Fritz: How about you, Ray? [ singing ] “Where… in the world… is Ray-mond Fed-e-ri-co going?”
[ they all chuckle heartily ]
Ray: Well, Jennifer and I have always wanted to travel through southeast Asia, maybe hit Laos, Cambodia, Thailand, Vietnam… You’ve been to Vietnam, haven’t you, Fritz?
[ Fritz stares off in a trance ]
Keith: Fritz, what was Vietnam like? Fritz?
[ helicopters sound overhead ]
Keith: Is that a helicopter?
[ Fritz stands, with maracas in hand, as lights from a passing helicopter flash ] [ an orchestra, formerly ensconced in the dark, lights up behind Fritz ]
Fritz: [ singing ]“We… met… as… soul mates On Parris Island. We left as inmates From an asylum.”
[ his buddies stare at him in great confusion ]
Fritz: [ singing ]“And we were sharp As sharp as knives. And we were so gung ho To lay down our lives.
[ Fritz returns to his seat, still staring out into space ]
Kenan: Okay… when was he in Vietnam?
Keith: He went there on vacation. Like… four years ago. [ turns to Fritz ] What time of year did you go?
[ Fritz stands once more, as a trio of violinists join the orchestra ]
Fritz: [ singing ]“We… had… no… cameras To shoot the landscape. We passed the hash pipe And played our Doors tapes.
And it was dark So dark at ni-ni-ni-ni-night. And we held on to each other Like brother to brother We promised our mothers we’d write.”
[ his buddies continue to stare at him in great confusion ]
Chorus: [ singing ]“And we would all go down together We said we’d all go down together Yes we would all go down together.”
[ Fritz returns to his seat ]
Ray: Wow! So, he just visited Vietnam… like a tourist?
Kenan: Well, did something bad happen to him?
Keith: I think he lost his luggage.
Fritz: [ singing ]“We… held… the day In the palm Of our hand.”
[ Fritz stands before the orchestra once more, suddenly flanked by a triangle player, a clarinetist, a saxophonist, a guitarist, and a violinist ]
Fritz: [ singing ]They… ruled the night.And the night Seemed to last as long as six weeks On Parris Island.”
[ Green Day appears onstage with their instruments ]
Chorus: [ singing ]“We held the coastline They held the highlands. And they were sharp As sharp as kni-kni-kni-kni-knives. They heard the hum of our motors They counted the rotors And waited for us to arrive.”
[ Norm MacDonald appears on guitar; Artie Lange appears as himself ]
Chorus: [ singing ]“And we would all go down together We said wed all go down together Yes we would all go down together Yes we would all go down together.”
[ Artie Lange leans in to hug a smiling Norm MacDonald ] [ in the far right corner of the screen, a stagehand’s hand motions for everyone to go down together from the stage ] [ Casey Wilson, Abby Elliott, and Michaela Watkins go down together ] [ Artie Lange goes down ]
Audience Member: Artie!
[ the rest of the audience screams, as Artie raises his arms victoriously to them ] [ Norm MacDonald goes down, followed by Bobby Moynihan, Kristen Wiig, and Fred Armisen holding hands with Elisabeth Moss ] [ Green Day goes down together, followed by Tom Hanks, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Anne Hathaway, and Paul Rudd ] [ Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, and Seth Meyers go down together ] [ the lights dim, and a helicopter sounds in the air, as Fritz solemnly walks down alone, leaving his friends alone together at the table ]
Keith: Wait a second… he just left without paying!
In a reversal of his position, President Obama this week said he now opposes the release of photographs showing terrorist suspects being abused in Afghanistan and Iraq. Meaning we’ll just have to wait for Dick Cheney’s Christmas card.
Donald Trump announced Tuesday that despite the controversy over Miss California Carrie Prejean’s stand on gay marriage and racy pre-pageant photos, she will keep her crown. Hm, who’d have ever imagined Donald Trump would side with the hot lady who likes to take her top off?
Seth Meyers: Astronaut Mike Massimo, who was aboard the space station Atlantis, became the first person to twitter from space when he sent the message, “Launch was awesome.” So in forty years we went from “One giant leap for mankind” to “Launch was awesome.”
I assume if we ever encounter intelligent life in the Cosmos, this is how we’ll be notified. [show picture of twitter submission reading, “Alienz, you guys! :-O”]
JP Morgan Bank is foreclosing on the Long Island mansion owned by Victoria Gotti, the 46-year-old daughter of mafia boss John Gotti. In related news, the JP Morgan Bank has just been found in the East River.
Amy Poehler: The World Health Organization said Thursday that the swine flu virus did not result from a laboratory accident. So you’re back on the hook, Fernando, the farmer who married a pig.
Seth Meyers: Arizona State University this week decided not to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama, who gave the comencement address at their graduation ceremony, claiming that he hasn’t accomplished enough. That brings us to a segment we like to call, “Really!?! with Seth & Amy.”
[show segment logo and theme]
Seth Meyers: Really, Arizona State? You didn’t want to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama? You do realize half the people you gave regular degrees to were wearing flip flops and hiding flasks? Don’t get me wrong, you’re a fine school. Princeton Review ranks you number 17 – as a party school. As in “school” school you’re 121st. That bums you out, may I suggest you go party?
Amy Poehler: Really? And really, Arizona State, you might be over-valuing the worth of your degrees. Your acceptance rate is 95 per cent. Your slightly more selective than the Burger King Kids’ Club.
Seth Meyers: Really?
Amy Poehler: I mean, really! Were you worried that giving the degree to someone as underqualified as President Obama would tarnish the noble image of Sparky the Sun Devil? [show image of Arizona State’s mascot]
Seth Meyers: And really, how are you not impressed enough with his accomplishments? Who are you, the Great Santini? What other accomplishments are you waiting for? Not only is he the first black President, he’s the first guy in history to get accepted by Harvard and get rejected by a safety school. I mean, really?
Amy Poehler: Really!? He could live to be 200, and the first entry on his Wikipedia page will still be, “first black President.” Really! Here’s- here’s how I think the Board of Regents meeting went. Dean Skeeter was all like, “he’s only 47,” and then Dean Scootch was all like, “it’s only been a hundred days,” and then Dean Skeeter goes, “47 only goes in a hundred like four times,” and then the pizza came and the meeting was over.
Seth Meyers: And really – Arizona State, you’ve made a dangerous gamble, because when the talks between the U.S. and Iran break down because Ahmadinejad said, “if you’re so smart, where’s your honorary degree from Arizona State?” – that’s on you! Really!
Amy Poehler: That’s blood on you hands! Really! And you know, Seth, on a different note congratulations to Notre Dame who will be giving an honorary degree to the President despite pro-life protestors. Cause, you see, Notre Dame understands that honorary degrees carry all the gravitas of a #1 Dad coffee mug. Really?
Seth Meyers: And lastly, Arizona State, you should be happy you got President Obama to speak at your graduation. You know who spoke on my graduation? Tootie from “Facts of Life.” Really! She spoke for twelve minutes and said “Facts of Life” fifty times.
Amy Poehler: And you know who spoke at mine? Natalie from “The Facts of Life”, and she never even mentioned the show!
Seth Meyers: Really?
Amy Poehler: Really? Really?!
[show segment logo and theme]
Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”
Seth Meyers: Responding to reports of infidelities, Kate Goslin from the reality show “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” denied that she and her husband were splitting up, though it is interesting that TLC has two shows on its fall schedule entitled “Jon Plus Four” and “Kate Plus Four.”
Karda, an orangutan at a zoo in Australia, escaped from her enclosure on Sunday after she short-circuted an electric fence and broke free. She then climbed over the fence, where another orangutan was waiting with the car running.
Amy Poehler: Walt Disney World Resort is opening an attraction next week called “The Great Piggybank Adventure,” which will teach families about personal finance. Though not as effectively as Disney’s other new attraction, “Offshore Bankers of the Caribbean.”
Seth Meyers: Last week Major League baseball was rocked by yet another steroid scandal as Manny Ramirez was suspended for fifty games for taking advance substance. Here now to discuss the issues of steroids and baseball, the ghost of Harry Carey.
Harry Carey: Hey! Hey everybody! Hey guys, hey guy. Harry Carey here! From the after life! And I gotta tell ya, folks – being dead is fantastic! This is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s like Heaven.
Seth Meyers: It’s- it’s like Heaven or it is Heaven?
Harry Carey: Let’s not get caught up in the semantics argument, Seth. The fact is it’s great.
Seth Meyers: Well, I’m- that’s good, I’m glad to hear it.
Harry Carey: Hey! You know the one thing used for currency in Heaven? Angel bucks. You always have 100 angel bucks in you wallet. And even after you pay for something you still have 100 angel bucks. I don’t even know what the point is, I guess they- they figured that even in Heaven, people like having wallets.
Seth Meyers: So how do you feel about the whole Manny Ramirez situation, Harry?
Harry Carey: Hey, Seth. Don’t you think Manny Ramirez looks like the monster from Predator?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I guess his hair is sorta-
Harry Carey: I mean, based on his size and strength, I bet the Predator monster would make a pretty good ball player. I mean, the fear would be that he would kill all the other players. I mean, I guess you can ask him not to. But I think he’d probably just tell you what you wanted to hear. Do you think you could trust him, Seth?
Seth Meyers: What?
Harry Carey: Hey, don’t jerk me around, Seth! It’s a simple ‘yes or no’ question. If the Predator monster promised he wouldn’t kill all the other players, would you put him in the game?
Seth Meyers: No?
Harry Carey: Good call, Seth. I mean, I think eventually his hunter instincts would be too hard to resist.
Seth Meyers: Okay… Do you feel like the continuing steroid scandals are tarnishing baseball?
Harry Carey: I’ve been talking about this very question a lot with my room mate in Heaven, baseball great Pete Rose.
Seth Meyers: Pete Rose isn’t dead.
Harry Carey: You’re kidding? That really burns me, I just- I just paid that guy 100 angel bucks for some memorabilia. I duped me. Although, now that I think about it there were some signs that he might not have been who he said he was.
Seth Meyers: What signs?
Harry Carey: Well, he didn’t seem to know much about baseball, and he was Asian. Come to think of it, he might never have even told me he was Pete Rose, I just assumed it. Hey!
Seth Meyers: Do you have anything else to add?
Harry Carey: Just this – waterboarding is torture, Seth. It’s like the one thing that everyone in Heaven agrees on.
Seth Meyers: Well, that… came out of nowhere.
Harry Carey: Not really. It popped into my head because I’m gonna waterboard Asian Pete Rose when I get back to my room. I mean, Heaven or no Heaven – I don’t like getting duped, Seth.
Seth Meyers: Harry Carey, everyone!
Harry Carey: God bless! Bye, Seth! Hey, bye, Amy!
Amy Poehler: Bye, Harry! Bye, Harry!
Pfizer unveiled a new program Thursday that provides people who have lost their jobs and health insurance with free Lipotorine Viagra. So good news, ladies! You know that fat guy you’ve been dating who uses Viagra? He doesn’t have a job!
Seth Meyers: Tony Danza has begun work on a new A&E series in which he will spend a year teaching tenth grade English at a New York City school. The network is already preparing a spin-off series, in which a group of students repeat tenth grade English.
It was revealed this week that Harrison Ford is engaged to his long-time girlfriend Calista Flockhart. Unfortunately, the news came to light in the final paragraph of Chewbacca’s suicide note.
A company in Japan has developed a set of knee pads that allow men to squat down in front of the toilet, reducing the possibility of splashback when they urinate. Also, that’s not what they’re for.
Amy Poehler: In an interview this week Tom Cruise said that he will never give up his life as an actor to go into politics. Though he would consider giving up movies to become “Pope of Outer Space.”
A man in Florida who is an aspiring rapper told police that he robbed a convenience store and shot a clerk in the head with a BB gun in an effort to gain street cred for his hip hop career. So good luck with your career, Lil’ Douchebag.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Justin Timberlake!
Justin Timberlake: Thank you, thank you. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I can’t believe..I can’t believe I’m hosting for the third time because… The first time that I hosted, the whole thing was a blur —
Girl in Audience: I love you!
Justin Timberlake: I love you too. [ he continues ] I was terrified, it was quite awry, could not believe that it occurred. But now I’m back in Old 8H on familiar ground. Gonna make myself comfortable [sits in guys lap. This is awkward. (to guy: Say hi to America. Guy: Hello, America) ’cause I think I know my way around. I love this place!
Jason Sudeikis: Hey, Justin!Justin Timberlake: Hey, Jason. How are your parents, Dan and Cathy?
Jason Sudeikis: Oh, they’re good.
Justin Timberlake: Wasn’t it their anniversary yesterday?
Jason Sudeikis: Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot. But, they loved your flowers and note.
Justin Timberlake: Great! Well, it’s the least I could do. Good people!
Jason Sudeikis: Yeah, they are.
Justin Timberlake: I know my lines, I hit my marks, I got my blocking down. Tonight I will get the drill, I think I know my way around. Anything I can help with?
Bill Hader: I’m trying to explain to him [Chinese food delivery guy] that I can’t have anything with peanut sauce.
Justin Timberlake: Oh, let me help. (Justin says something to the delivery guy in Chinese. The guy responds in Chinese…they go back and forth for 5 seconds or so and they laugh at Justin’s joke). [To Bill] He says there’s no peanut sauce and then I made a dirty joke.
Bill Hader: Oh, thanks Justin.
Justin Timberlake: Yeah. [ to the camera ] Yes, I’m back at SNL in my favorite town. When I can lend a hand [scribbles “I think I know my way around” on cue card].. I think I know my way around.
Guy: You’re the man, Justin.Justin Timberlake: Hey man. I think I’m getting the hang of it thanks to this great cast. They’re sweet, they’re kind, they’re generous, and their talent kicks ass.
Kristen Wiig: I was supposed to look real sexy, but this dress does not feel right.
Justin Timberlake: May I make a small adjustment? [rips off some of Kristen’s dress] Now you’re ready for tonight.
Kristen Wiig: I lied. I lied about the looking sexy thing. I just wanted him to do that.
Fred Armisen: Yeah, no need to explain.
Casey Wilson: Yeah, got it.
Justin Timberlake: Since my last time, I traveled the world; I’ve grown leaps and bounds. But now I’m back where I belong, I think I know my way around.
[sits down with Lorne Michaels drinking wine and watching TV]
Justin Timberlake: It’s uh..It’s Justin.
Lorne Michaels: [nods] Justin.
Justin Timberlake: Third time here hosting, third time is a charm. Number three, you’d agree, put my all into it you can see. ‘Cause I practiced the fact is, this season’s fantastic, I’ve watched every host whether home or the road. From Affleck to Phelps, Franco to Rogen, Malkovich, Laurie, our friend Tracy Morgan. Rudd, Bradley Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris, McGraw, Zac Efron, the cute Anna Faris. Brolin, Hamm, Rosario Dawson, Baldwin, Martin, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson! Anne Hathaway, Tina Fey, but now I’m here and I gotta say…….We’ve got a great show tonight. Ciara is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.
Lawrence Welk…Fred Armisen Ted Nathers…Will Ferrell Nora…Casey Wilson Sister #2…Michaela Watkins Sister #3…Abby Elliott Junice…Kristen Wiig
(Open with the PBS logo on screen.)
Announcer: This is PBS. We now return to a mildly enjoyable super-old rerun of “The Lawrence Welk Show.”
(Cut to Lawrence Welk, surrounded by bubbles on the set.)
Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, welcome back to the Lawrence Welk Show. Aren’t these bubbles wonderful? If I could have them follow me around everywhere, I would. But enough about the wonderful bubbles, let’s continue on with our salute to spring. And what comes with the spring? Romance. Here to sing about it is the handsome baritone Ted Nathers accompanied by the Meryl Sisters who came all the way from the Finger Lakes They are lakes that look like fingers, I guess. I don’t travel. Ladies and gentlemen, Ted Nathers. One, and a two, and a…
(We cut to Ted Nathers on stage, leaning against a lamppost, as the song begins.)
Ted: Do you want to know a secret? I love this corner.
(Ted nudges the post and the light goes on.)
Ted: Boo ba ba doo, ba ba doo, ba ba doo, I like potatoes, I like meat I like standing on the corner of a street It’s my favorite place to be and I’ll tell you why It’s because I get to see the pretty ladies passing by…
(He introduces himself to each member of the as they enter.)
Ted: Hey where you goin’?
Nora: I’m going to the park!
Ted: Hey where you headin’?
Sister #2: Heading to a party!
Ted: Hey where you off to?
Sister #3: Off to the parlor!
Ted: Hey where you goin’?
Junice: And I’m Junice!
(Ted is somewhat put off by Junice, with her shrill voice and large forehead, but presses on with the song. Junice keeps staring at him.)
Ted: Hey there ladies, before you go, There is something that I’m dyin’ to know A tiny, tiny question, hope you understand, Tell me what you’re looking for in a man!
(He passes behind each girl in sequence.)
Nora: I like strong arms…
Ted: Well I got ’em!
Sister #2: I like white teeth…
Ted: Hey look at ’em!
Sister #3: I like soft skin…
Ted: I use lotion!
Junice: I like, can I touch?
(Junice starts putting her extremely tiny hands on Ted, who recoils. Junice proceeds to put her arms around the lamppost, grinning all the while. Ted looks around uncomfortably.)
Ted: Well thank you ladies for enlightenin’ me I hope you give me a chance-
Sisters: There’s one more thing we’d like to see, And that’s if you can dance.
Ted: Well I certainly can try.
(He tap dances all over the stage, as the sisters look on impressed, except Junice, who wanders about aimlessly. Ted then dances with each girl in turn.)
Ted: How’s tha-at?
Nora: Ooh that’s nice!
Ted: And how’s thi-is?
Sister #2: Do it twice!
Ted: How’s this feel?
Sister #3: Are you for real?
Ted: Shall we dance real close?
Junice: Yeah (before Ted finishes his line).
(Ted nervously dances around with Junice, who gropes around and puts her hand on his bottom. He promptly pushes her off and she goes backstage. A crash is heard. Frustratedly, he returns to the song, looking around for her.)
Sisters: We’d like to tell you we all agree That you’d be the perfect mate…
Ted: Then there’s only one thing to decide, Where will we go on our first date?
Nora: We could go sailing…
Ted: I like that idea.
Sister #2: We can have a picnic…
Ted: Oh, I hope there’s no ants (The sisters laugh).
Sister #3: We could ride bikes…
Ted: A bicycle built for two? (The sisters laugh until Junice re-enters.)
Junice: I put worms in my bed and slept in my bed And put a squirrel in my bed and mustard in my bed And then I ate ’em all, is that bad?
Ted: Yes, that is bad.
Junice: A do doo do doo do doo doo…
(Fed up at last, Ted walks offstage with Junice following him, as her sisters walk offstage, embarrassed. We return to Lawrence Welk, looking on.)
Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, wasn’t that wonderful? And by wonderful I mean interesting. Please stay tuned as our salute to Spring continues with husband and wife team Dana and Donna–
(Ted backs off, warding off Junice, who keeps going after him. She then goes around popping the bubbles with her tiny hands.)
Ted: Stay back! Stay back! Stay back!
Lawrence Welk: (continuing) singing the popular hymn “He makes all things beautiful in His time.” Now a special word from our sponsors, Pall Mall cigarettes, Coppertone tanning butter and Morton salt.
(Close on a still of the Lawrence Welk Show logo.)
Ciara with Justin Timberlake performs “Love Sex Money”
…..Jessica Biel …..Ciara …..Justin Timberlake
Jessica Biel: Ladies and gentlemen — Ciara, with Justin Timberlake.
Ciara: [ singing ]“Your touch is so magic to me The strangest things can happen The way that you react to me I wanna do something you cant imagine Imagine if there was a million mes talking sexy to you like that You think you can handle, boy If I give you my squeeze and I need you to push it right back.
Baby, show me, show me Whats your favorite trick that you wanna use on me And Ill volunteer And Ill be flowing and going Till clothing disappears, aint nothing but shoes on me Oh, baby.
Ciara & Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]“All night, show it, just you and the crowd Doing tricks you never seen And I bet that I can make you believe In love and sex and magic So let me drive my body around you I bet you know what I mean Cause you know that I can make you believe In love and sex and magic.”
Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]“Everything aint what it seems I wave my hands and I got you And you feel so fly assisting me But now its my turn to watch you I aint gonna stop you if you wanna crowd my neck Talk sexy to me like that Just do what I taught you, girl When I give you my heat and I need you to push it right back.”
Ciara: [ singing ]“Baby, show me, show me Whats your favorite trick that you wanna use on me And Ill volunteer And Ill be flowing and going Till clothing disappears, aint nothing but shoes on me Oh, baby.”
Ciara with Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]“All night, show it, just you and the crowd Doing tricks you never seen And I bet that I can make you believe In love and sex and magic So let me drive my body around you I bet you know what I mean Cause you know that I can make you believe In love and sex and magic.
Oh, this is the part where we fall in love Oh, lets slow it down so we fall in love But dont stop what youre doing to me.
All night, show it, just you and the crowd Doing tricks you never seen And I bet that I can make you believe In love and sex and magic So let me drive my body around you I bet you know what I mean Cause you know that I can make you believe In love and sex and magic.”