Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 22
Cheney in Makeup
Make-up Girl…..Abby Elliott
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
[ open on exterior, NBC ]
[ dissolve to itnerior, Make-up Room ]
Make-up Girl: So, Mr. Cheney — this is your first time on “Meet The Press” with David Gregory.
Dick Cheney: It is!
Make-up Girl: Great. Now, how do you like your make-up?
Dick Cheney: Enough color so I don’t look like a corpse, but not so much that it looks like I have feelings.
Make-up Girl: Okay. So, can I get you to close your eyes for me?
[ he chuckles snidely, then shuts his eyes as she begins ]
[ as she works on Cheney, former President George W. Bush enters the room stealthily ]
George W. Bush: [ whispering loudly ] Hey, Make-up lady! Give me that brush!
[ she hands Bush the brush and exits the room. Bush proceeds to rub the brush across Cheney’s chin. ]
George W. Bush: [ in a higher octave ] So… are you excited about doing the show?
Dick Cheney: Hello, Mr. President.
George W. Bush: Aw, DAMN, Dick! You are impossible to surprise! What’s your secret?
Dick Cheney: Well, Mr. President, for one: you whisper too LOUD!
George W. Bush: Yeah, that’s always been a problem of mine! That is one of the many reasons that I am no friend to libraries! [ he tosses the brush aside ]
Dick Cheney: So, what are you doing here, Mr. President?
George W. Bush: Well, Dick, I’ve been contacted by members of the GOP — they’ve asked me to speak to you about your newfound love of the media spotlight.
Dick Cheney: [ nervously ] I, uh… have been making some television appearances.
George W. Bush: Some? You’re on TV more than that ShamWow guy!
Dick Cheney: Well, I understand this visibility is a bit of a change for me.
George W. Bush: Yeah. No DUH to the MAX, Dick! I mean, I spent eight years with my face out there, saying things I barely understood! While you were nowhere to be found!
Dick Cheney: I was… busy.
George W. Bush: Yeah. And BRAVO with what you were “busy” with, by the way. People seemed to be really psyched about it.
Dick Cheney: If you are referring to our interrogation policies, Mr. President, I have no regrets.
George W. Bush: Yeah, well, here’s MY regret: that I didn’t have me a Vice-President like Joe Biden. I mean, look at those two — going out for burgers… [ he chuckles ] laughing it up. I need THAT kind of V.P., the kind that did dumb stuff to make me look smarter! Instead, I got the one guy that scares me more than my dad!
Dick Cheney: We, uh… we had a different chemistry, sir.
George W. Bush: Yeah. The chemistry of acid in the face! Dick, it’s over! We need to move on!
Dick Cheney: We have a legacy to protect. What would you have me do, Mr. President?
George W. Bush: Just STICK to our plan: Lets let history be the judge, okay? Its an awesome plan, because history takes FOREVER!
Dick Cheney: There are things I think the American people need to know, sir.
George W. Bush: But I don’t want you to tell them those things, okay? Just like you probably wouldn’t want me to tell certain things. Like the time you were DEAD for three days.
Dick Cheney: Now, sir…
George W. Bush: No, no, no! “Now, sir,” nothing! You were straight up dead, okay? We were gonna bury you, but Colin Powell said, “Let’s give it one more day.” I mean, Colin’s the reason you’re here! So, I don’t like it when you, when you run him down!
Dick Cheney: Well, I would hate for the story about my, uh, unfortunate, uhhh…
George W. Bush: DEATH! The word is “death”.
Dick Cheney: …to go public.
George W. Bush: Okay. Good! Then, we’re in agreement. Okay? Yuo cool it with the world tour, and I’ll keep my mouth shut! By the way, they still only know about the one face shooting.
Dick Cheney: [ chuckling nervously ] Mr. President, uh…
George W. Bush: Im not scared of you, any more, Dick! Okay? Ive been watching a TON of Dr. Phil.
Dick Cheney: Very well, sir.
George W. Bush: Hey, I’m sorry to be a red ass about it.
Dick Cheney: I understand.
George W. Bush: If you ever want to Biden it up and get a burger with me — I’m game!
Dick Cheney: Yes, sir.
George W. Bush: Alright, I’ll see you later, Dick.
Dick Cheney: And, Mr. President, one last thing.
George W. Bush: Yeah?
Dick Cheney: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”