SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: The Lawrence Welk Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22





08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

The Lawrence Welk Show

Lawrence Welk…Fred Armisen
Ted Nathers…Will Ferrell
Nora…Casey Wilson
Sister #2…Michaela Watkins
Sister #3…Abby Elliott
Junice…Kristen Wiig

(Open with the PBS logo on screen.)

Announcer: This is PBS. We now return to a mildly enjoyable super-old rerun of “The Lawrence Welk Show.”

(Cut to Lawrence Welk, surrounded by bubbles on the set.)

Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, welcome back to the Lawrence Welk Show. Aren’t these bubbles wonderful? If I could have them follow me around everywhere, I would. But enough about the wonderful bubbles, let’s continue on with our salute to spring. And what comes with the spring? Romance. Here to sing about it is the handsome baritone Ted Nathers accompanied by the Meryl Sisters who came all the way from the Finger Lakes They are lakes that look like fingers, I guess. I don’t travel. Ladies and gentlemen, Ted Nathers. One, and a two, and a…

(We cut to Ted Nathers on stage, leaning against a lamppost, as the song begins.)

Ted: Do you want to know a secret? I love this corner.

(Ted nudges the post and the light goes on.)

Ted: Boo ba ba doo, ba ba doo, ba ba doo,
I like potatoes, I like meat
I like standing on the corner of a street
It’s my favorite place to be and I’ll tell you why
It’s because I get to see the pretty ladies passing by…

(He introduces himself to each member of the as they enter.)

Ted: Hey where you goin’?

Nora: I’m going to the park!

Ted: Hey where you headin’?

Sister #2: Heading to a party!

Ted: Hey where you off to?

Sister #3: Off to the parlor!

Ted: Hey where you goin’?

Junice: And I’m Junice!

(Ted is somewhat put off by Junice, with her shrill voice and large forehead, but presses on with the song. Junice keeps staring at him.)

Ted: Hey there ladies, before you go,
There is something that I’m dyin’ to know
A tiny, tiny question, hope you understand,
Tell me what you’re looking for in a man!

(He passes behind each girl in sequence.)

Nora: I like strong arms…

Ted: Well I got ’em!

Sister #2: I like white teeth…

Ted: Hey look at ’em!

Sister #3: I like soft skin…

Ted: I use lotion!

Junice: I like, can I touch?

(Junice starts putting her extremely tiny hands on Ted, who recoils. Junice proceeds to put her arms around the lamppost, grinning all the while. Ted looks around uncomfortably.)

Ted: Well thank you ladies for enlightenin’ me
I hope you give me a chance-

Sisters: There’s one more thing we’d like to see,
And that’s if you can dance.

Ted: Well I certainly can try.

(He tap dances all over the stage, as the sisters look on impressed, except Junice, who wanders about aimlessly. Ted then dances with each girl in turn.)

Ted: How’s tha-at?

Nora: Ooh that’s nice!

Ted: And how’s thi-is?

Sister #2: Do it twice!

Ted: How’s this feel?

Sister #3: Are you for real?

Ted: Shall we dance real close?

Junice: Yeah (before Ted finishes his line).

(Ted nervously dances around with Junice, who gropes around and puts her hand on his bottom. He promptly pushes her off and she goes backstage. A crash is heard. Frustratedly, he returns to the song, looking around for her.)

Sisters: We’d like to tell you we all agree
That you’d be the perfect mate…

Ted: Then there’s only one thing to decide,
Where will we go on our first date?

Nora: We could go sailing…

Ted: I like that idea.

Sister #2: We can have a picnic…

Ted: Oh, I hope there’s no ants (The sisters laugh).

Sister #3: We could ride bikes…

Ted: A bicycle built for two? (The sisters laugh until Junice re-enters.)

Junice: I put worms in my bed and slept in my bed
And put a squirrel in my bed and mustard in my bed
And then I ate ’em all, is that bad?

Ted: Yes, that is bad.

Junice: A do doo do doo do doo doo…

(Fed up at last, Ted walks offstage with Junice following him, as her sisters walk offstage, embarrassed. We return to Lawrence Welk, looking on.)

Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, wasn’t that wonderful? And by wonderful I mean interesting. Please stay tuned as our salute to Spring continues with husband and wife team Dana and Donna–

(Ted backs off, warding off Junice, who keeps going after him. She then goes around popping the bubbles with her tiny hands.)

Ted: Stay back! Stay back! Stay back!

Lawrence Welk: (continuing) singing the popular hymn “He makes all things beautiful in His time.” Now a special word from our sponsors, Pall Mall cigarettes, Coppertone tanning butter and Morton salt.

(Close on a still of the Lawrence Welk Show logo.)

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/09/09: Ciara with Justin Timberlake performs “Love Sex Money”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21



08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Ciara with Justin Timberlake performs “Love Sex Money”

…..Jessica Biel
…..Ciara
…..Justin Timberlake

Jessica Biel: Ladies and gentlemen — Ciara, with Justin Timberlake.

Ciara: [ singing ]“Your touch is so magic to me
The strangest things can happen
The way that you react to me
I wanna do something you can’t imagine
Imagine if there was a million me’s talking sexy to you like that
You think you can handle, boy
If I give you my squeeze and I need you to push it right back.

Baby, show me, show me
What’s your favorite trick that you wanna use on me
And I’ll volunteer
And I’ll be flowing and going
Till clothing disappears, ain’t nothing but shoes on me
Oh, baby.

Ciara & Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]“All night, show it, just you and the crowd
Doing tricks you never seen
And I bet that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic
So let me drive my body around you
I bet you know what I mean
Cause you know that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic.”

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]“Everything ain’t what it seems
I wave my hands and I got you
And you feel so fly assisting me
But now it’s my turn to watch you
I ain’t gonna stop you if you wanna crowd my neck
Talk sexy to me like that
Just do what I taught you, girl
When I give you my heat and I need you to push it right back.”

Ciara: [ singing ]“Baby, show me, show me
What’s your favorite trick that you wanna use on me
And I’ll volunteer
And I’ll be flowing and going
Till clothing disappears, ain’t nothing but shoes on me
Oh, baby.”

Ciara with Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]“All night, show it, just you and the crowd
Doing tricks you never seen
And I bet that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic
So let me drive my body around you
I bet you know what I mean
Cause you know that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic.

Oh, this is the part where we fall in love
Oh, let’s slow it down so we fall in love
But don’t stop what you’re doing to me.

All night, show it, just you and the crowd
Doing tricks you never seen
And I bet that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic
So let me drive my body around you
I bet you know what I mean
Cause you know that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts