Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Welcome back! We’re going into an incredible third overtime in this game, set between the Boston Celtics and the Orlando Magic. Charles, this is a great game so far.
Charles Barkley: Oh, absolutely, E.J.! This game is phenomenal! It’s like the basketblal equivalent of a McRib sandwich.
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: And after the game, be sure to stay tuned for the series premiere of “Mark”.
[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark posing for the camera ]
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How does a single dad raise three kids and keep his sanity? Don’t ask Mark. Fridays at 9:30.
[ graphic disappears ]
Charles Barkley: [ mouth agape ] Yeah, I don’t watch much TV… but I will be watching “Mark”! He looks hilarious!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles, Orlando has twice been in control, and once Boston hit three pointers to tie. What’s the psychological effect of that?
Charles Barkley: Well, it’s not good. Orlando needs to step up their brunt of the defense.
[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a Dustbuster and a baby ]
Charles Barkley: [ excited ] Oh! Mark’s back! Now he’s got a baby and a Dustbuster! [ laughing ] Hey, Mark! You can’t dust bust a baby!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. What do you call a single dad with three kids and no clue? “Mark”. From the creators of “Jeff”.
[ graphic disappears ]
Charles Barkley: “Mark” is an instant classic!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, the big story tonight has to be Ray Allen, who left with a knee injury. Still no word on how serious the injury is…
[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark dancing the Moonwalk ]
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Uh…
[ Barkley bounces his had in rhythm ]
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles… Charles. Charles!
Charles Barkley: Look at Mark!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, I see him.
Charles Barkley: He’s dancing!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, yeah. I see that.
Charles Barkley: [ on the verge of tears ] Oh, my God! Look at him go!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: “Mark”. Who says life’s over once you have kids? Mark did. “Mark”. Followed by an all new episode of “Courting Rachel”. [ Rachel enters the graphic ] She’s a non-nonsense judge who’s also a supermodel.
Charles Barkley: Ohhhh! Mark likes that!
[ graphic disappears ]
Charles Barkley: [ laughing ] Who comes up with this stuff!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How about we, uh, look back at Toyota’s “Keys to Victory”? Alright…
Charles Barkley: Okay, so is Mark not in this part?
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: NO!
Charles Barkley: I miss Mark.
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ in front of “Keys to Victory” graphic board ] Okay. To win this game, the Celtics are gonna need to limit their fouls, control the paint, and get the ball to pierce. On the other side… [ graphic board now reads “Mark’s Keys to Life” ] We’re doing what?
[ Mark appears in the graphic ]
Mark: Mark’s Keys to Life! Step 1: Don’t Get Married! Step 2: Find a Babysitter. Step 3: You Gotta Laugh.
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Great…
Charles Barkley: [ laughing out loud ] Oh, I am staying up late for THAT! I’m gonna have to get me a case of Red Bulls, and make me some Stouffer’s Macaroni Pockets!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can we get back to basketball, please? Charles, is there any way the Celtics can replace Ray Allen?
Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, E.J. — put MARK in!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: That’s NOT gonna happen!
Charles Barkley: Well, it should! I mean, that’s just the kind of crazy, mixed-up situation Mark lives for!
[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a flaming container of food ]
Charles Barkley: Oh! Speak of the devil! Hey, Mark! Your casserole’s on fire!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: He can’t hear you!!
Charles Barkley: I know! It’s just playfullness! Hey, Mark! Wear your oven mitts! [ he claps his hands joyously ]
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: This is not what I agreed to… I’m not gonna do this any more! [ he gets up to leave ]
Charles Barkley: Hey, E.J. — you mind if I hang out with Mark a little bit?
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, great. You can do what you want to. [ he exits ]
Charles Barkley: Oh, I love you, Mark!
Mark: I love you, too, Charles Barkley!
[ Barkley swoons and begins to extend his hand over Mark’s casserole and playfully pretend it’s burning his hand ]
Will Ferrell: Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you. I… yes, wooh! Right back at you! I am so- I am so happy to be back hosting the season finale of SNL. [to audience] I- I love you too, more than you know. I’ve always loved being on this wonderful stage in front of a live audience. I actually did a one-man show on Broadway this year and I just got nominated for a Tony award! [applause] Thank you. And… I should win. Since I’m up against that flash in the pan Liza Minelli. You know, it’s so funny to me, people- people don’t realize that before I was christened the jester, the- the funnyman, the goofbag, I was known and recognized not for comedy, but for my dramatic work in the theater. Let me cross down-stage left and explain.
[Ferrell walks to the side and approaches a TV screen showing a slideshow of various silly pictures, supposedly of him doing dramatic work]
Will Ferrell: So many roles, so many stages. So many moments. And tonight, I once again walk upon the boards and present to you a mere tasting of my theatrical wines. [He strolls back to center-stage] This piece is the last scene in a play I wrote myself called “The Wishful Dreams of Danny O’Neill.” [no applause] Thank you. I will warn you- I will warn you that I have never performed it for an audience that hasn’t wept to the point of being shattered. So get ready to be moved.
[He brings out a chair as the lights are dimmed and piano-playing is heard]
Will Ferrell: [in an overly-dramatic tone] Hi dad. [audience laughs] Please, no laughter. You look so small in that hospital bed, like a boy. They said you can’t hear me, but I- I know you can. Just like when I was little and we would watch TV, and you would ignore me. [audience laughs again] Please, no laughter. Why wouldn’t you talk to me, dad? I was a five year-old boy! I would sit there wringing my hands and my mind would race. I should have been in your lap, eating popcorn. You laughing at a joke I told you and hugging me hard. But there we sat, drowning in that thick Irish disappointment of yours. I watched my mom die slowly from it, and I would find her in the lilac bushes. I’d say, “what’s wrong, mama?” She would say, [in a prominent Irish accent] “your dad is so sahd.” [audience laughs] Thank you. “Not her, she wasn’t allowed to be sad. Was she, dah?” Now I’m spending my life trying so damn hard not to hurt my boy like you hurt me. We sit in the same silence, and his mind races. It’s funny, isn’t it? You never talked to me, but I always wanted the last word. So here it is. [breaks character] Line.
Woman offstage: Hey, that popcorn’s good, ain’t it?
Will Ferrell: Hey, that popcorn’s good, ain’t it? Maybe you do love me, cause it doesn’t matter, because I love you. [screaming] Do you hear me, papa?! I said I love you! And I forgive you, because I forgive me.
[He knocks on the chair]
Will Ferrell: Knock, knock. Who’s there? It’s your son. It’s your son, who? It’s your son who- and I’m sorry, line.
Woman offstage: It’s your son who loves you.
Will Ferrell: [to woman, who is not seen] It’s your son who loves you? [to camera] It’s your son, who loves you.
[He slowly turns his back as the piano-playing fades. Lights return to normal and he turns around again]
Will Ferrell: We have a great show! Green Day is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Green Day: [ singing ] “Do you know what’s worth fighting for, When it’s not worth dying for? Does it take your breath away And you feel yourself suffocating? Does the pain weigh out the pride? And you look for a place to hide? Did someone break your heart inside? You’re in ruins
One, 21 guns Lay down your arms Give up the fight One, 21 guns Throw up your arms into the sky, You and I
When you’re at the end of the road And you lost all sense of control And your thoughts have taken their toll When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul Your faith walks on broken glass And the hangover doesn’t pass Nothing’s ever built to last You’re in ruins
One, 21 guns Lay down your arms Give up the fight One, 21 guns Throw up your arms into the sky, You and I
Did you try to live on your own When you burned down the house and home? Did you stand too close to the fire? Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone
When it’s time to live and let die And you can’t get another try Something inside this heart has died You’re in ruins
One, 21 guns Lay down your arms Give up the fight One, 21 guns Throw up your arms into the sky
One, 21 guns Lay down your arms Give up the fight One, 21 guns Throw up your arms into the sky, You and I.”
Fritz…..Will Ferrell Ray…..Darrell Hammond Keith…..Bill Hader Kenan…..Kenan Thompson Pianist…..Andy Samberg Guitarists…..Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte Violinists…..Michaela Watkins, Abby Elliott, Casey Wilson Drums….Fred Armisen Tambourines…..Bobby Moynihan, Kristen Wiig Flautist…..Seth Meyers Triangle…..Amy Poehler Clarinet…..Maya Rudolph Saxophonist…..Tom Hanks Guitar…..Anne Hathaway Violinist…..Paul Rudd …..Green Day Guitar…..Norm MacDonald …..Artie Lange
[ open with exterior entrance to Grand Central Station ]
[ dissolve to interior, dining area, where Fritz sits with three of his buddies ]
Fritz: So… any summer plans, gentlemen? Any… vay-vay-cays… coming your way-way-way?
[ they all chuckle heartily ]
Kenan: Yeah, I think the missus and I are heading down to Mexico for a couple of weeks in June.
Fritz: Oooohh! Me-ji-co! Land of the rising sun. I love it. How about you, Keith?
Keith: I have a new baby — I think it’s gonne be more of a stay-cation, as in Stay-Up-While-She-Cries-cation!
[ they all chuckle heartily ]
Fritz: Yeah, sometimes the gift of life is also the gift of having no life!
[ they all chuckle heartily ]
Fritz: How about you, Ray? [ singing ] “Where… in the world… is Ray-mond Fed-e-ri-co going?”
[ they all chuckle heartily ]
Ray: Well, Jennifer and I have always wanted to travel through southeast Asia, maybe hit Laos, Cambodia, Thailand, Vietnam… You’ve been to Vietnam, haven’t you, Fritz?
[ Fritz stares off in a trance ]
Keith: Fritz, what was Vietnam like? Fritz?
[ helicopters sound overhead ]
Keith: Is that a helicopter?
[ Fritz stands, with maracas in hand, as lights from a passing helicopter flash ]
[ an orchestra, formerly ensconced in the dark, lights up behind Fritz ]
Fritz: [ singing ] “We… met… as… soul mates On Parris Island. We left as inmates From an asylum.”
[ his buddies stare at him in great confusion ]
Fritz: [ singing ] “And we were sharp As sharp as knives. And we were so gung ho To lay down our lives.
[ Fritz returns to his seat, still staring out into space ]
Kenan: Okay… when was he in Vietnam?
Keith: He went there on vacation. Like… four years ago. [ turns to Fritz ] What time of year did you go?
[ Fritz stands once more, as a trio of violinists join the orchestra ]
Fritz: [ singing ] “We… had… no… cameras To shoot the landscape. We passed the hash pipe And played our Doors tapes.
And it was dark So dark at ni-ni-ni-ni-night. And we held on to each other Like brother to brother We promised our mothers we’d write.”
[ his buddies continue to stare at him in great confusion ]
Chorus: [ singing ] “And we would all go down together We said we’d all go down together Yes we would all go down together.”
[ Fritz returns to his seat ]
Ray: Wow! So, he just visited Vietnam… like a tourist?
Keith: Yeah.
Kenan: Well, did something bad happen to him?
Keith: I think he lost his luggage.
Fritz: [ singing ] “We… held… the day In the palm Of our hand.”
[ Fritz stands before the orchestra once more, suddenly flanked by a triangle player, a clarinetist, a saxophonist, a guitarist, and a violinist ]
Fritz: [ singing ] They… ruled the night.And the night Seemed to last as long as six weeks On Parris Island.”
[ Green Day appears onstage with their instruments ]
Chorus: [ singing ] “We held the coastline They held the highlands. And they were sharp As sharp as kni-kni-kni-kni-knives. They heard the hum of our motors They counted the rotors And waited for us to arrive.”
[ Norm MacDonald appears on guitar; Artie Lange appears as himself ]
Chorus: [ singing ] “And we would all go down together We said wed all go down together Yes we would all go down together Yes we would all go down together.”
[ Artie Lange leans in to hug a smiling Norm MacDonald ]
[ in the far right corner of the screen, a stagehand’s hand motions for everyone to go down together from the stage ]
[ Casey Wilson, Abby Elliott, and Michaela Watkins go down together ]
[ Artie Lange goes down ]
Audience Member: Artie!
[ the rest of the audience screams, as Artie raises his arms victoriously to them ]
[ Norm MacDonald goes down, followed by Bobby Moynihan, Kristen Wiig, and Fred Armisen holding hands with Elisabeth Moss ]
[ Green Day goes down together, followed by Tom Hanks, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Anne Hathaway, and Paul Rudd ]
[ Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, and Seth Meyers go down together ]
[ the lights dim, and a helicopter sounds in the air, as Fritz solemnly walks down alone, leaving his friends alone together at the table ]
Keith: Wait a second… he just left without paying!
In a reversal of his position, President Obama this week said he now opposes the release of photographs showing terrorist suspects being abused in Afghanistan and Iraq. Meaning we’ll just have to wait for Dick Cheney’s Christmas card.
Donald Trump announced Tuesday that despite the controversy over Miss California Carrie Prejean’s stand on gay marriage and racy pre-pageant photos, she will keep her crown. Hm, who’d have ever imagined Donald Trump would side with the hot lady who likes to take her top off?
Seth Meyers: Astronaut Mike Massimo, who was aboard the space station Atlantis, became the first person to twitter from space when he sent the message, “Launch was awesome.” So in forty years we went from “One giant leap for mankind” to “Launch was awesome.”
I assume if we ever encounter intelligent life in the Cosmos, this is how we’ll be notified. [show picture of twitter submission reading, “Alienz, you guys! :-O”]
JP Morgan Bank is foreclosing on the Long Island mansion owned by Victoria Gotti, the 46-year-old daughter of mafia boss John Gotti. In related news, the JP Morgan Bank has just been found in the East River.
Amy Poehler: The World Health Organization said Thursday that the swine flu virus did not result from a laboratory accident. So you’re back on the hook, Fernando, the farmer who married a pig.
Seth Meyers: Arizona State University this week decided not to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama, who gave the comencement address at their graduation ceremony, claiming that he hasn’t accomplished enough. That brings us to a segment we like to call, “Really!?! with Seth & Amy.”
[show segment logo and theme]
Seth Meyers: Really, Arizona State? You didn’t want to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama? You do realize half the people you gave regular degrees to were wearing flip flops and hiding flasks? Don’t get me wrong, you’re a fine school. Princeton Review ranks you number 17 – as a party school. As in “school” school you’re 121st. That bums you out, may I suggest you go party?
Amy Poehler: Really? And really, Arizona State, you might be over-valuing the worth of your degrees. Your acceptance rate is 95 per cent. Your slightly more selective than the Burger King Kids’ Club.
Seth Meyers: Really?
Amy Poehler: I mean, really! Were you worried that giving the degree to someone as underqualified as President Obama would tarnish the noble image of Sparky the Sun Devil? [show image of Arizona State’s mascot]
Seth Meyers: And really, how are you not impressed enough with his accomplishments? Who are you, the Great Santini? What other accomplishments are you waiting for? Not only is he the first black President, he’s the first guy in history to get accepted by Harvard and get rejected by a safety school. I mean, really?
Amy Poehler: Really!? He could live to be 200, and the first entry on his Wikipedia page will still be, “first black President.” Really! Here’s- here’s how I think the Board of Regents meeting went. Dean Skeeter was all like, “he’s only 47,” and then Dean Scootch was all like, “it’s only been a hundred days,” and then Dean Skeeter goes, “47 only goes in a hundred like four times,” and then the pizza came and the meeting was over.
Seth Meyers: And really – Arizona State, you’ve made a dangerous gamble, because when the talks between the U.S. and Iran break down because Ahmadinejad said, “if you’re so smart, where’s your honorary degree from Arizona State?” – that’s on you! Really!
Amy Poehler: That’s blood on you hands! Really! And you know, Seth, on a different note congratulations to Notre Dame who will be giving an honorary degree to the President despite pro-life protestors. Cause, you see, Notre Dame understands that honorary degrees carry all the gravitas of a #1 Dad coffee mug. Really?
Seth Meyers: And lastly, Arizona State, you should be happy you got President Obama to speak at your graduation. You know who spoke on my graduation? Tootie from “Facts of Life.” Really! She spoke for twelve minutes and said “Facts of Life” fifty times.
Amy Poehler: And you know who spoke at mine? Natalie from “The Facts of Life”, and she never even mentioned the show!
Seth Meyers: Really?
Amy Poehler: Really? Really?!
[show segment logo and theme]
Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”
Seth Meyers: Responding to reports of infidelities, Kate Goslin from the reality show “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” denied that she and her husband were splitting up, though it is interesting that TLC has two shows on its fall schedule entitled “Jon Plus Four” and “Kate Plus Four.”
Karda, an orangutan at a zoo in Australia, escaped from her enclosure on Sunday after she short-circuted an electric fence and broke free. She then climbed over the fence, where another orangutan was waiting with the car running.
Amy Poehler: Walt Disney World Resort is opening an attraction next week called “The Great Piggybank Adventure,” which will teach families about personal finance. Though not as effectively as Disney’s other new attraction, “Offshore Bankers of the Caribbean.”
Seth Meyers: Last week Major League baseball was rocked by yet another steroid scandal as Manny Ramirez was suspended for fifty games for taking advance substance. Here now to discuss the issues of steroids and baseball, the ghost of Harry Carey.
Harry Carey: Hey! Hey everybody! Hey guys, hey guy. Harry Carey here! From the after life! And I gotta tell ya, folks – being dead is fantastic! This is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s like Heaven.
Seth Meyers: It’s- it’s like Heaven or it is Heaven?
Harry Carey: Let’s not get caught up in the semantics argument, Seth. The fact is it’s great.
Seth Meyers: Well, I’m- that’s good, I’m glad to hear it.
Harry Carey: Hey! You know the one thing used for currency in Heaven? Angel bucks. You always have 100 angel bucks in you wallet. And even after you pay for something you still have 100 angel bucks. I don’t even know what the point is, I guess they- they figured that even in Heaven, people like having wallets.
Seth Meyers: So how do you feel about the whole Manny Ramirez situation, Harry?
Harry Carey: Hey, Seth. Don’t you think Manny Ramirez looks like the monster from Predator?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I guess his hair is sorta-
Harry Carey: I mean, based on his size and strength, I bet the Predator monster would make a pretty good ball player. I mean, the fear would be that he would kill all the other players. I mean, I guess you can ask him not to. But I think he’d probably just tell you what you wanted to hear. Do you think you could trust him, Seth?
Seth Meyers: What?
Harry Carey: Hey, don’t jerk me around, Seth! It’s a simple ‘yes or no’ question. If the Predator monster promised he wouldn’t kill all the other players, would you put him in the game?
Seth Meyers: No?
Harry Carey: Good call, Seth. I mean, I think eventually his hunter instincts would be too hard to resist.
Seth Meyers: Okay… Do you feel like the continuing steroid scandals are tarnishing baseball?
Harry Carey: I’ve been talking about this very question a lot with my room mate in Heaven, baseball great Pete Rose.
Seth Meyers: Pete Rose isn’t dead.
Harry Carey: You’re kidding? That really burns me, I just- I just paid that guy 100 angel bucks for some memorabilia. I duped me. Although, now that I think about it there were some signs that he might not have been who he said he was.
Seth Meyers: What signs?
Harry Carey: Well, he didn’t seem to know much about baseball, and he was Asian. Come to think of it, he might never have even told me he was Pete Rose, I just assumed it. Hey!
Seth Meyers: Do you have anything else to add?
Harry Carey: Just this – waterboarding is torture, Seth. It’s like the one thing that everyone in Heaven agrees on.
Seth Meyers: Well, that… came out of nowhere.
Harry Carey: Not really. It popped into my head because I’m gonna waterboard Asian Pete Rose when I get back to my room. I mean, Heaven or no Heaven – I don’t like getting duped, Seth.
Seth Meyers: Harry Carey, everyone!
Harry Carey: God bless! Bye, Seth! Hey, bye, Amy!
Amy Poehler: Bye, Harry! Bye, Harry!
Pfizer unveiled a new program Thursday that provides people who have lost their jobs and health insurance with free Lipotorine Viagra. So good news, ladies! You know that fat guy you’ve been dating who uses Viagra? He doesn’t have a job!
Seth Meyers: Tony Danza has begun work on a new A&E series in which he will spend a year teaching tenth grade English at a New York City school. The network is already preparing a spin-off series, in which a group of students repeat tenth grade English.
It was revealed this week that Harrison Ford is engaged to his long-time girlfriend Calista Flockhart. Unfortunately, the news came to light in the final paragraph of Chewbacca’s suicide note.
A company in Japan has developed a set of knee pads that allow men to squat down in front of the toilet, reducing the possibility of splashback when they urinate. Also, that’s not what they’re for.
Amy Poehler: In an interview this week Tom Cruise said that he will never give up his life as an actor to go into politics. Though he would consider giving up movies to become “Pope of Outer Space.”
A man in Florida who is an aspiring rapper told police that he robbed a convenience store and shot a clerk in the head with a BB gun in an effort to gain street cred for his hip hop career. So good luck with your career, Lil’ Douchebag.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Lawrence Welk…Fred Armisen Ted Nathers…Will Ferrell Nora…Casey Wilson Sister #2…Michaela Watkins Sister #3…Abby Elliott Junice…Kristen Wiig
(Open with the PBS logo on screen.)
Announcer: This is PBS. We now return to a mildly enjoyable super-old rerun of “The Lawrence Welk Show.”
(Cut to Lawrence Welk, surrounded by bubbles on the set.)
Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, welcome back to the Lawrence Welk Show. Aren’t these bubbles wonderful? If I could have them follow me around everywhere, I would. But enough about the wonderful bubbles, let’s continue on with our salute to spring. And what comes with the spring? Romance. Here to sing about it is the handsome baritone Ted Nathers accompanied by the Meryl Sisters who came all the way from the Finger Lakes They are lakes that look like fingers, I guess. I don’t travel. Ladies and gentlemen, Ted Nathers. One, and a two, and a…
(We cut to Ted Nathers on stage, leaning against a lamppost, as the song begins.)
Ted: Do you want to know a secret? I love this corner.
(Ted nudges the post and the light goes on.)
Ted: Boo ba ba doo, ba ba doo, ba ba doo, I like potatoes, I like meat I like standing on the corner of a street It’s my favorite place to be and I’ll tell you why It’s because I get to see the pretty ladies passing by…
(He introduces himself to each member of the as they enter.)
Ted: Hey where you goin’?
Nora: I’m going to the park!
Ted: Hey where you headin’?
Sister #2: Heading to a party!
Ted: Hey where you off to?
Sister #3: Off to the parlor!
Ted: Hey where you goin’?
Junice: And I’m Junice!
(Ted is somewhat put off by Junice, with her shrill voice and large forehead, but presses on with the song. Junice keeps staring at him.)
Ted: Hey there ladies, before you go, There is something that I’m dyin’ to know A tiny, tiny question, hope you understand, Tell me what you’re looking for in a man!
(He passes behind each girl in sequence.)
Nora: I like strong arms…
Ted: Well I got ’em!
Sister #2: I like white teeth…
Ted: Hey look at ’em!
Sister #3: I like soft skin…
Ted: I use lotion!
Junice: I like, can I touch?
(Junice starts putting her extremely tiny hands on Ted, who recoils. Junice proceeds to put her arms around the lamppost, grinning all the while. Ted looks around uncomfortably.)
Ted: Well thank you ladies for enlightenin’ me I hope you give me a chance-
Sisters: There’s one more thing we’d like to see, And that’s if you can dance.
Ted: Well I certainly can try.
(He tap dances all over the stage, as the sisters look on impressed, except Junice, who wanders about aimlessly. Ted then dances with each girl in turn.)
Ted: How’s tha-at?
Nora: Ooh that’s nice!
Ted: And how’s thi-is?
Sister #2: Do it twice!
Ted: How’s this feel?
Sister #3: Are you for real?
Ted: Shall we dance real close?
Junice: Yeah (before Ted finishes his line).
(Ted nervously dances around with Junice, who gropes around and puts her hand on his bottom. He promptly pushes her off and she goes backstage. A crash is heard. Frustratedly, he returns to the song, looking around for her.)
Sisters: We’d like to tell you we all agree That you’d be the perfect mate…
Ted: Then there’s only one thing to decide, Where will we go on our first date?
Nora: We could go sailing…
Ted: I like that idea.
Sister #2: We can have a picnic…
Ted: Oh, I hope there’s no ants (The sisters laugh).
Sister #3: We could ride bikes…
Ted: A bicycle built for two? (The sisters laugh until Junice re-enters.)
Junice: I put worms in my bed and slept in my bed And put a squirrel in my bed and mustard in my bed And then I ate ’em all, is that bad?
Ted: Yes, that is bad.
Junice: A do doo do doo do doo doo…
(Fed up at last, Ted walks offstage with Junice following him, as her sisters walk offstage, embarrassed. We return to Lawrence Welk, looking on.)
Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, wasn’t that wonderful? And by wonderful I mean interesting. Please stay tuned as our salute to Spring continues with husband and wife team Dana and Donna–
(Ted backs off, warding off Junice, who keeps going after him. She then goes around popping the bubbles with her tiny hands.)
Ted: Stay back! Stay back! Stay back!
Lawrence Welk: (continuing) singing the popular hymn “He makes all things beautiful in His time.” Now a special word from our sponsors, Pall Mall cigarettes, Coppertone tanning butter and Morton salt.
(Close on a still of the Lawrence Welk Show logo.)
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Bonus Episode 1
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 9th, 2008 None None None Chris Parnell Bill Murray None
Presidential DebateSummary: Jim Lehrer (Chris Parnell) moderates the second Presidential debate and town hall forum between Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) and John McCain (Darrell Hammond). Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, Barack Obama, John McCain. Transcript
Montage
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Regarding the economic crisis, financial expert Oscar Rogers says we need to “Fix it!” Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” when AIG overspends on a luxury retreat following the bailout crisis, then are furtherly flabbergasted to ask “Oh My God, Are You Serious!?!” Daryl Hall (Will Forte) and John Oates (Fred Armisen) sing a partisan campaign tune that leans closer to supporting Barack Obama. Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers, Daryl Hall, John Oates. Transcript
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell Elizabeth Wheeler…..Casey Wilson Sen. Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond Kevin Quigley…..Bill Hader Anthony Cipelli…..Bobby Moynihan William Murray…..Bill Murray Mark Ladue…..Jason Sudeikis Susan Calkins…..Kristen Wiig David Kip…..Andy Samberg Dalton Cheeks…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on CNN graphic ]
[ dissolve to exterior, Belmont University, Curb Event Center ]
[ dissolve to Tom Brokaw ]
Tom Brokaw: Good evening, and welcome… [ audience applauds ] to Belmont University, in Nashville, Tennessee, for the second in a series of three Presidential debates, between Senator Barack Obama of Illinois, and, Senator John McCain of Arizona. I’m Tom Brokaw, of NBC News, and I will be your moderator this evening. Tonight’s debate will follow a town hall format, with questions submitted by the eighty undecided voters in our audience, as well as thousands more sent in via email. From this enormous list of penetrating, insightful, and provocative questions, I have chosen the eight least interesting. For each question, the candidates will be allowed a twenty-five second response, and, at my discretion, a three second follow-up. These are the rules both campaigns agreed upon. And our first question is for Senator Obama, and it comes from Elizabeth Wheeler.
Elizabeth Wheeler: Senator Obama. Over the last few weeks, the financial crisis which began with home foreclosures has threatened to wreck the entire economy. As President, how would you deal with this?
Sen. Barack Obama: Uhhh — first of all, Elizabeth, thank you for that question. There is no doubt, that after eight years of failed Republican policies, policies which Senator McCain supported, this economy is a shambles. But let me tell you, and the American people, one thing I absolutely promise
Tom Brokaw: Time’s up! Senator McCain?
Sen. John McCain: Elizabeth, to find any solution to this economic mess, we’re going to have to put aside partisanship. Something my opponent — [ points to Obama with his thumb ] this character here — isn’t very good at. But I’ve done my whole career. You know, my friends, I’m not the most popular guy in my own party. Just ask Senator Trent Lott. I took his car one time without asking, and totaled it. Just drove it into a wall, and walked away! I’m not going to win any popularity contests among Republicans. But, Maria, when it comes to the economy, here’s what I’d do. It’s very simple
Tom Brokaw: Your time is up! For our next question, we’ll turn to foreign policy. The question is for Senator McCain, and it comes from Kevin Quigley.
Kevin Quigley: [ reading from a card in his hand ] Senator, in recent months, Russia has threatened to cut off natural gas supplies to Europe, and invaded the Republic of Georgia. As President, how would you deal with this new Cold War threat?
Sen. John McCain: Well, first of all, Luther, thank you for your question. And let me start by saying, no foreign policy can succeed if it’s not bi-partisan. So I would first… reach out for the support of Senate Democrats. And if that bothers my fellow Republicans, frankly, I don’t care. Ask Lindsay Graham. I once flushed three cherry bombs down the toilet of his Senate office. Absolutely destroyed the plumbing. I’m willing to buck members of my own party. Now, Eduardo, as to dealing with Russia… I would order all our nuclear-armed B-52s into the airspace over that country. And I would deliver the following message to Mr. Putin and Medvedev… my friends —
Tom Brokaw: Senator McCain, your time is up! Senator Obama?
Sen. Barack Obama: Uhh, Kevin, by way of answering your very profound question, let me tell you about an experience I once had. And, this is a story I’ve never told anyone. Now, uh, when I was a young boy, uh, maybe eight or nine, I was taken aboard an alien spacecraft. And held there for about two Earth Weeks. And, I’ll never forget something the leader of that alien crew told me
Tom Brokaw: That’s it, Senator Obama! Your time is up.
Sen. Barack Obama: If I could, uh, this is a really interesting story.
Tom Brokaw: Okay, these were rules BOTH campaigns agreed on!
Sen. Barack Obama: But…
Tom Brokaw: Our next question is for Senator McCain, and it comes from Anthony Cipelli.
Anthony Cipelli: Thank you. Senator McCain, over the last ten years or so, it seems Americans have grown increasingly divided from one another. How would you bring this nation together?
Sen. John McCain: Oscar, that’s a very good question. And here’s my answer. I would continue what I’ve done for 25 years, which is to reach across party lines. [ points to Obama with his thumb ] Something that “pee-pants” over here would never even consider! Because, you see, Zebediah, I don’t mind upsetting members of my own party. Elizabeth Dole will tell you. I once got a hold of one of her checkbooks, and kited checks all over Washington! I ruined her credit rating! [ quickly ] She’d be the first to agree, I’m no slave to Republican orthodoxy. How was my time?
Tom Brokaw: Just made it.
Sen. John McCain: Yes!!!
Tom Brokaw: Senator Obama?
Sen. Barack Obama: [ throughout this answer, McCain wanders around the floor of the debate, crossing in and out of camera frame ] Anthony, you’ve hit the question. How do we as a people come together? So, let me tell you another story I’ve never shared before. One I left out of my second book. It’s about a man I met many years ago in Chicago. And, uh, at first, I thought, we had almost nothing in common. But over the course of working together, year in, year out. Talking to each other, and most important, listening to each other, we became friends. Sharing not only that friendship, but our plans for this country’s future. And that man — my best friend, and my mentor — is former Weather Underground leader, and un-repentant terrorist, William Ayers. Now, I’m telling you this because, I’m so far ahead in the polls right now, it’s not going to matter.
Tom Brokaw: Thank you, Senator. 1.6 seconds over. We now have a question for both candidates. And it’s from William Murray.
[ the audience cheers and applauds the sight of Bill Murray ]
William Murray: Senator Obama, Senator McCain Last week, in the National League Divisional Playoffs, the Chicago Cubs faced the Los Angeles Dodgers. In Game One, the Cubs lost 7-3. In Game Two, they lost 10-3. And in Game Three, 3-1. What, as President, would you do to guarantee this never happens again? Senators, in your answers, please be specific.
Sen. Barack Obama: Uhh — that’s a fair question, William. But let’s face it. The Cubs may very well be in the Playoffs again, perhaps even next year. If so, they will lose again. And they’re going to keep right on losing, year after year, after year. Because that, that is what the Cubs do. We as a nation have got to wean Cubs fans away from supporting that team, and re-train them to root for other teams, teams that will actually have a chance of winning.
Tom Brokaw: Senator McCain?
Sen. John McCain: Here, I have to agree with my opponent. Let me give you some straight talk, my friends. The Cubs will never win the pennant. Much less the World Series. [ points to Obama with his thumb ] “Junior” over there, he won’t tell you that. [ he laughs ] I just did!
Tom Brokaw: Alright, we’ve fallen a bit behind, so we’re going to pick up the pace. Our next question is from Mark Ladue, and it’s for Senator McCain.
Mark Ladue: Senator McCain, uh, while here in the U.S., our economy is suffering; in Iraq, there is an economic boom. Shouldn’t the government of that country reimburse us the cost of the war?
Sen. John McCain: My friends
Tom Brokaw: (interrupting) Time! We’ll go now to Susan Calkins who has a question for Senator Obama. Ms. Calkins, quickly.
Susan Calkins: Senator Obama. Healthcare costs have exploded. As a full-time —
Tom Brokaw: (interrupting) Ms. Calkins, I’m sorry! Your time is up!
Susan Calkins: [ she scowls and sits ]
Tom Brokaw: We’ve almost no time left, and I’d like to get both our remaining questions in. So I’m going to ask David Kip and Dalton Cheeks to read them simultaneously.
(at the same time:)
David Kip: Senator Obama. As a teacher, I find myself dealing with larger and larger classes, but without a corresponding increase in resources. As president, how would you address this?
Dalton Cheeks: Senator McCain. Like yourself, I am a military veteran. And in dealing with the Veterans Administration, it seems we’re left to fend for ourselves. How, as President, could you help?
Tom Brokaw: Senators, your simultaneous responses?
(at the same time, split screen:)
Sen. Barack Obama: That’s an excellent question, David. And let me say, teachers are too important to the future of this country, to leave them in this outrageous situation. When I am President, this will change. And that’s change you can believe in.
Sen. John McCain: Thank you for that question, Dalton. And let me tell you something. In a McCain Presidency, no veteran will go without the help he needs. That’s one promise I will never break. As sure as I’m a maverick. A reform-minded, straight-talking maverick.
Tom Brokaw: (clicks stop watch) Unbelievable! That’s unbelievable! We got every question in, with nine seconds to spare.
[ Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain high five ]
Tom Brokaw: So, clearly, this has been…
[ Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain wanders the floor of the debate, crossing in and out of camera frame during Brokaw’s closing]
…one of the finest Presidential debates ever. Uh, I’d like to thank the candidates… gentlemen, you’re blocking my prompter there
[Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain clear out of the shot ]
…I’d like to thank the candidates, our audience, and Belmont University. From all of us here in Nashville, good night, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”
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