SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/09/09: Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21


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08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Gov. David Patterson…..Fred Armisen
Gov. Eliot Spitzer…..Bill Hader
…..Chris Pine
….Zachary Quinto
Audience Trekkies…..Kenan Thompson & Bobby Moynihan
…..Leonard Nimoy

Announcer: Weekend Update with Seth Myers!

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories…..

[image: Air Force One above Liberty Island] Louis Caldero, the White House aide who authorized the controversial photograph of Air Force One over Manhattan, resigned on Friday. May I suggest that they replace him with Photoshop…You don’t have to fly Air Force One over Manhattan to get a picture of Air Force One over Manhattan – here’s a photo of Air Force On e over the pyramids – here it is in a crowded elevator – here it is on the red carpet with the space shuttle [the background changes accordingly each time] – and of course here it is in the popular children’s book, “Where’s Air Force One?” [the background takes on a “Where’s Waldo?” appearance]

Pope Benedict, on Friday, began his first trip to the Middle East in hopes that the Catholic Church can play a role in the region’s peace process – and because it’s the Middle East, he traveled inside the official Popemobile Inside Another Popemobile.

[image: Ramirez at bat] ESPN has reported that the drug that resulted in Manny Ramirez’s suspension from basbeall was a fertility drug. How did a fertility drug make him a better baseball player? That’s not his bat.

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, John Edwards’s wife Elizabeth said she has no idea if the former presidential candidate is the father of his mistress’s baby – though judging from this photo [an infant sporting Edwards’s trademark haircut], I’d say there’s a resemblence.

On Wednesday, Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marraige after Gov. Balducci signed a same-sex marriage bill into law. It’s the best news for gays in Maine since LL Bean introduced a line of assless duckwaders.

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – before the wedding, the couple was registered at Craate & Baareyhl.

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – the wedding video is already nominated for an Independent Spirit Award…oh there’s more –

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – here’s their official celebrity couple nickname – “AAARAAA”.

New York Governor David Patter…Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – they wrote their own vowels.

Seth Meyers: New York Governor David Patterson has come under increased criticism, with a recent poll showing the 51% of New Yorkers would actually prefer to see disgraced former Governor Eliot Spitzer running things in Albany. Here now to comment – Governor David Patterson and former Governor Eliot Spitzer!

[Patterson, who is legally blind, badly overshoots the desk while wheeling in]

David Patterson: Marco!

Eliot Spitzer: Polo!

David Patterson: We’re just kidding, Seth.

Seth Meyers: Well, thank you both for coming. Now you both must’ve been, uh, surprised by the poll results…

David Patterson: Indeed – I haven’t scored that low since my driving exam…you know, Seth, it’s a little tough when people think you have worse judgement than a guy who didn’t wanna use a condom with a prostitute!

Eliot Spitzer: Hey, come on – it was fun! Good time!

David Patterson: By the way, not wearing a condom with a prostitute – that’s like driving in a convertible through New Jersey!….Because, the place is so polluted.

Seth Meyers: Well, uh, let’s cut out the Jersey stuff…

Eliot Spitzer: Believe me, if we could cut out Jersey, we would! You know, they won’t let you pump your own gas there? But it’s because most people in Jersey lack that skill set. In New Jersey, pumping gas is like performing brain surgery!

Seth Meyers: OK, OK – can we please get back to the poll?

David Patterson: That’s what he said! To a prostitute!

Eliot Spitzer: Nice one! Seriously, that poll must’ve been a pretty crazy phone call to get – “Hello”

David Patterson: “Yes?”

Eliot Spitzer: “Uh, who would you rather have as Governor – the prostitute guy or Mr. Disaster?”

David Patterson: “That’s a tough call to make since all options are terrible. It’s like judging a beauty contest in New Jersey!”

David Patterson: Now, Governor Sitzer, um, this poll is good news for you as you’re trying to re-enter public life.

Eliot Spitzer: Oh, yeah, I’ve been rebuilding my image. Plus, let’s remember, no charges were ever pressed against me – I’m a free man. I’m like the guy in “The Shawshank Redemption” , except I never had to tunnel behind a pin-up girl. Oh, wait – I did! Seriously, though, people are turning to me in this tough economic time. I was known as the “Sheriff of Wall Street” –

David Patterson: Yes, and I was the deputy who they wouldn’t let have a gun!

Seth Meyers: Governor Patterson, your term hasn’t been all bad – I mean, you did get a good deal of supprt recently when you endorsed the legalization of gay marriage

David Patterson: Well, that’s true, Seth – I believe that marriage should be open to people of all sexual orientations…

Eliot Spitzer: I believe marriage should be OPEN! [picks up Patterson’s hand to engage in a high-five]

Seth Meyers: Republicans like Joe Scarborough have commented this week that this poll proves that it will be very easy for the Republicans to take Albany…

David Patterson: You think so, genius? I mean the only way I’m getting re-elected is if I save New York from a Cloverfield!

Eliot Spitzer: Maybe it’s one of those Sanjaya situations, where people vote for him because it’s funny!

Seth Meyers: Alright, Alright – so what do you think is in store for both of you?

David Patterson: We might go into entertainment, Seth..

Eliot Spitzer: Yeah, now we’re pitchin’ a detective show to Spike TV – It’s called “Horndog and Blurry”!

Seth Meyers: You both realize you’ve burned a lot of bridges out here…

David Patterson: Yes, Seth, we have burned a lot of bridges – now if we can only flood the tunnels, they’ll be no way to get to…New Jersey! [Spitzer againpicks up Patterson’s hand to engage in a high-five]

Seth Meyers: David Patterson and Eliot Spitzer, everybody!

Police in California arrested a man who tried to smuggle songbirds into the US by strapping more than a dozen birds to his legs, and trying to walk out of the Los Angeles airport. Police became suspicious when they noticed the man was twittering without a Blackberry.

“Harry Potter The Exhibition” opened at the Chicago Museum of Science and In..[David Patterson emerges in front of the camera] OK…”Harry Potter The Exhibition” opened at the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry last week, using over 200 props to recreate the magical world of Hogwarts. The exhibit offers fans a chance to meet magical creatures like Buckbeat the Hyppogryph, Dobie the House Elf, and Barry the 47-Year-Old who is Required to Introduce Himself Under Megan’s Law.

A pair of identical twins in China married another pair of identical twins. What are the odds of that? Actually, in China, about 3 to 1.

A Philadelphia museum has rejected a request to test its sample of Abraham Lincoln’s blood to see if the 16th President had a rare genetic disorder – which is weird, because I thought we were pretty clear on cause of death.

This week, Shenelle, who has been named the World’s Oldest Dog by Guiness World Records, turned 21 years old. Shenelle also holds the world record for Longest Time Playing Dead, so I’m just saying – maybe someone should check on Shenelle.

A man in Russia who underwent penis enlargement surgery returned to his doctors a month later, begging them to undo it, because he was too big, and no woman wanted to be with him – though it’s a little suspicious, because he just kept saying it really loud near the nurse’s station.

Seth Meyers: On Thursday, “Star Trek” opened in theaters nationwide with an ad campaign that promised, “This isn’t your father’s Star Trek”, a sentiment that upset some of the hard-core fanbase of the franchise. Here to address these fans – the stars of the film, Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto. [loud cheers as Pine and Quinto enter]

Chris Pine: Thank you Seth! Zachary and I wanted to come out tonight and address the longtime fans of Star Trek –

Zachary Quinto: We understand that you’re concerned about the way we are handling your beloved franchise…[two Trekkies – one in a Starfleet uniform, the other a McCoy/Uhura t-shirt and false Vulcan ears – are shown in the audience, and the look on their faces suggest they’re skeptical to say the least]…but don’t worry, we’ve gone to great lengths to fit in with the established canon.

Chris Pine: Absolutely – all the Star Trek, uh, stardates correspond perfectly with the ones used in The Original Series and The Next Generation. (they don’t at all, but as a fan I have no problem with that, since the ones on the show made absolutely no sense)

Zachary Quinto: And our movie takes the time to explore the origins of the kohlinar ceremony, as it is connected to the fascinating Pon farr marriage ritual.

Chris Pine: And I swear – that the, uh, the transporters on this Enterprise utilize the, um, the hay-say (Heisenberg compensator) um – oh. God, I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Zachary Quinto: Neither do I, but – you guys, seriously, please – you’ve got to stop harrassing us!

Seth Meyers: You’re getting harrassed?!

Chris Pine: Hm-um.

Zachary Quinto: Yeah, you have no idea how insane some of these fans are, Seth [the Trekkies in the audience do not take that comment well].

Chris Pine: Yeah. Yeah, I’m getting angry calls in the middle of the night, Seth. I mean, at least I think they’re angry, I can’t really understand them – they’re either speaking Vulcan or…Hebrew.

Zachary Quinto: And they keep vandalizing my mailbox – every morning I wake up and it’s filled up with decapitated action figures and empty inhaler canisters.

Chris Pine: And they’re tying notes to rocks, and throwing them against my windows – it’s scratching the glass!

Seth Meyers: The rock don’t…break through the windows?

Chris Pine: No – they’re…clearly not throwing them hard enough.

Seth Meyers: I guess I’m just surprised that you guys would be intimidated by Trekkies…

Zachary Quinto: Yeah, well, they can be pretty intimidating, Seth [he and Pine both point in their direction] – I mean, look [the two Trekkies give death stares to the actors]

Seth Meyers: Well maybe, a little intimidating, maybe…

Chris Pine: We…we just really hope they come out and see the movie, Seth.

Leonard Nimoy: [in the background] They will come. They will come…[the audience cheers his arrival, and the Trekkies’ mood changes instantly from fury to euphoria]…

Zachary Quinto: But, Leonard, what if the fans reject Chris and me as the new Kirk and Spock?

Leonard Nimoy: Gentlemen, I’ve spent years of my life among Trekkies, uh – Trekkers, and, they have been some of the greatest years of my life – and while it may take some time, I believe that soon they will find you, Chris, to be equal to the original Captain Kirk, and you, Zach, to be slightly less than equal to the original Spock [Nimoy – Quinto smiles at the joke], but ultimately OK.

Seth Meyers: OK. Um, do you think that they’re gonna like the film?

Leonard Nimoy: Well – to not like it…

Seth Meyers: Uh – I know what you’re gonna say. To not like it – would be illogical [quite pleased with himself, having beaten Mr. Spock himself to the logic-based punchline]

Leonard Nimoy: No – I was going to say…to not like it would make them dickheads.

[coming from their hero, the Trekkies heartily accept this suggestion]

Seth Meyers: The Star Trek cast everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers – good night!

[Meyers, Pine, Quinto and Nimoy all perform the Vulcan salute]

Submitted by: Teddy Shipp

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 1: 10/09/08: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 1













Weekend Update Thursday 1

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Oscar Rogers…..Kenan Thompson
Daryl Hall…..Will Forte
John Oates…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Seth Meyers: And I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

As stocks dropped sharply on Monday, President Bush urged patience with the government’s new 700 billion dollar plan saying, “It’s going to take a while.” Of course, the good news is, he’s never been right.

A new national poll suggests that six in ten Americans think another great depression is likely. But half of those people say they look forward to seeing homeless people wearing fedoras again.

Amy Poehler: The second presidential debate was held Tuesday night, and the town hall format featured an audience comprised of a diverse cross-section of eighty undecided bald dudes.

At a rally on Saturday, Sarah Palin attempted to recite a quote from Madeleine Albright that she read off of a Starbucks cup. She then summed up her views on energy by claiming: “America Runs On Dunkin.”

Seth Meyers: Last week, dozens of movie and television productions in India’s Bollywood shut down as actors and crewmembers went on strike. Hopefully the dispute can be resolved by the people that control Bollywood: the Bjews.

A friend of O.J. Simpson says that, before the start of his trial, he broke up with Christie Prody, his girlfriend of ten years. Well, he didn’t O.J. break up with her, he just regular broke up with her.

Amy Poehler: According to a new report, at least one in four land species on Earth face extinction in the near future. Oh, man, I hope that list includes armadillos ’cause, yo! I be HATIN’ armadillos!

Seth Meyers: You’ve always been hatin’ armadillos.

Amy Poehler: Always!

Seth Meyers: It’s been a rough week on Wall Street. Today alone, the Dow plunged 678 points, closing below 9,000. Here to talk more in-depth about the economic crisis is Weekend Update’s new financial expert, Oscar Rogers.

Oscar Rogers: Hello, Seth, Amy.

Seth Meyers: Hi, Oscar. Good to see you, thanks for coming. Now, we all know that our current economic situation has left every American fearful of what’s in store. Oscar, do you see any light at the end of the tunnel?

Oscar Rogers: Well, Seth, there was a light, but it’s broken! And somebody needs to crawl down to the end of that tunnel and FIX IT!

Seth Meyers: Okay, well, that doesn’t sound very promising.

Oscar Rogers: It’s not! These people need to FIX IT! I’ve been a financial consultant for 16 years, and I’ve never seen it this out of control! They need to clamp it down and FIX IT! When I wake up tomorrow morning, it better be FIXED!

Seth Meyers: But how do we go about fixing it, specifically?

Oscar Rogers: Take it one step at a time. Identify the problem. FIX IT! Identify another problem. FIX IT! Repeat as necessary until it is all FIXED!!

Seth Meyers: Uh — you keep saying “fix it”, but how?

Oscar Rogers: FIX IT!

Seth Meyers: Fix what?

Oscar Rogers: IT! It needs to be FIXED! NOW!!

Seth Meyers: Any, uh — any final words? Although, I think I know what they’re gonna be.

Oscar Rogers: Oh, yeah? Well, what do you think I’m gonna say, Seth?

Seth Meyers: I don’t know , probably “fix”…

Oscar Rogers: FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT!

Seth Meyers: Oscar Rogers, everyone.

Amy Poehler: The U.S. Department of Agriculture issued a warning this week, urging customers to thoroughly cook frozen chicken dinners, after 32 people got salmonella poisoning. So, I know it’s hard, but try to hold back your excitement over your frozen chicken dinner long enough for it to cook properly.

Seth Meyers: A woman in England paid over $17,000 for her cat to spend six days in an oxygen tent to cure his paralyzed larynx. The cat showed its gratitude by briefly holding eye contact.

At a House Committee hearing on Tuesday, it was revealed that, after receiving an $85 million government bailout, insurance giant AIG spent $440,000 on a luxury retreat for top earners. Which brings us to a segment we like to call “REALLY!?! WITH SETH AND AMY.”

[ art card ]

Seth Meyers: Really, AIG? Really? You went on this retreat only six days after receiving an 85 billion dollar bailout? Really? Even the mafia knows not spend money that soon after a heist. I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! And the retreat was planned to recognize AIG’s top earners? Really? What does it take to be a top earner at AIG right now? Did you sell your office furniture on Craigslist?

Seth Meyers: I mean, Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And you spent $150,000 on banquets? Really? Was your waiter Prince? Did you hire robot chefs? You better have a robot chef, because, if there were any humans in the kitchen, you drank urine!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, you did! You really did! Really! And, and you defended the retreat, saying it had been planned before the bailout. That’s like going ahead with Grandma’s birthday party even though Grandma died three days ago. Really!

Seth Meyers: And Really, you had to go there for teambuilding? Here’s a cheaper way to do team building. You know all those empty sacks that used to be filled with money? Get in those and race.

Amy Poehler: Yeah! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Also, the Federal Reserve on Wednesday agreed to provide AIG with a second 37 billion dollar loan, on top of the original 85 billion dollar loan. Yeah! Which brings us to a new segment we like to call, “Oh My God, Are You Serious!?!”

[ art card ]

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God! Are you serious, Federal Government?!

Seth Meyers: Are you really serious?!

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God! It’s like you gave your junkie cousin $100 for rent, and then you ran into him at the dog track, and you gave him another $37 billion! I mean, are you serious?!

Seth Meyers: Seriously, are you serious?!

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Huh!

[ art card ]

Announcer: This has been “Oh My God, Are You Serious!?!” within a “Really!?! with Seth & Amy.”

Seth Meyers: We’ll be right back with more “Weekend update”, after this commercial break!

[ fade to black ]

[ return to “Weekend update” with the audience cheering ]

Amy Poehler: Thank you! Welcome back to “SNL Weekend Update Thursday”! Those commercials were great!

A tavern in Japan has a pair of monkeys wearing jackets and shorts, that take hot towels out of a warm oven and give them to patrons. So business is booming over at T.G.I’ve Been Scalded by a Monkey.

The original Carvel Ice Cream store in Hartsdale, New York is closing, after more than seventy years of promoting cruelty to whales.[ picture: chocolate whale cake ]

Seth Meyers: A new video game is being developed called “Scratch: The Ultimate DJ”, which is a hip-hop version of “Guitar Hero” using a turntable controller. For kids who are too lazy to learn the fake guitar.

Cities and states across the country are facing a road salt shortage, leading many areas scrambling to stockpile before the first snow arrives. Because no one could have possibly anticipated another winter.

Amy Poehler: As the election nears, both candidates have been lining up the support of such popular musicians as Bruce Springsteen, who supports Obama, and Hank Williams Jr., who supports McCain. Here now, another politically committed musical group, Hall and Oates. [ Hall & Oates appear ] Okay, ho you doing, Hall & Oates? Okay, so — you guys, which candidate do you guys support?

Daryl Hall: Well, actually, I support Barack Obama.

John Oates: And I support John McCain.

Daryl Hall: Yeah, we don’t agree on the candidates, uh, but we do respect each others’ opinions and we believe this song gets out both of our messages fairly and equally. Hit it!

(MUSIC: “You Make My Dreams Come True”)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“What I want, you’ve got
A choice in this election.
Gotta make the right selection
Obama or McCain.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Yeah, yeah)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“Two great candidates
That you can choose to vote for.
Yuo could pick the cool Black guy
Or a weird old man who’s lame.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Hold up)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “Well, well, you…”

John Oates: [ singing ] (ooh-ooh, hoo-ooh, ooh-ooh)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “Obama makes my dreams come true!”

John Oates: [ singing ] (McCain’s good, too — ooh-hoo, McCain)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“I agree with you
McCain is bad.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (I didn’t say that)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “But Obama is really good.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Not cool, you changed the words, to suit your liberal agenda)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“WEll, I heard McCain
once built his own sex dungeon.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Hey, I just realzied something, you sing most of this song)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“Yes, that’s true
Now you shut up, while I’m singing
about McCain’s thirst for dog blood
like a vampire, but with dogs.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (This sucks)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “Not for me.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (I quit, Daryl Hall, I quit)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“Don’t leave, Oates
I’ll miss you.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Okay, I’m back, you convinced me)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ] “I’m glad that’s settled.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Me too, me too)

Daryl Hall: [ singing ]
“Let’s not ever ley politics
come between us again.”

John Oates: [ singing ] (Ooh-hoo, hoo-hoo-ooh)

Amy Poehler: Hall and Oates, everybody!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts