SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22


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08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
Harry Carey…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and for the season finale —

[Amy Poehler rolls in from the side to wild cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler!

[Amy and Seth high five]

Seth Meyers: Welcome back.

Amy Poehler: Thank you. [to audience] Thank you! Thank you!

Together: Here are tonight’s top stories!

Amy Poehler: Ha ha!

In a reversal of his position, President Obama this week said he now opposes the release of photographs showing terrorist suspects being abused in Afghanistan and Iraq. Meaning we’ll just have to wait for Dick Cheney’s Christmas card.

Donald Trump announced Tuesday that despite the controversy over Miss California Carrie Prejean’s stand on gay marriage and racy pre-pageant photos, she will keep her crown. Hm, who’d have ever imagined Donald Trump would side with the hot lady who likes to take her top off?

Seth Meyers: Astronaut Mike Massimo, who was aboard the space station Atlantis, became the first person to twitter from space when he sent the message, “Launch was awesome.” So in forty years we went from “One giant leap for mankind” to “Launch was awesome.”

I assume if we ever encounter intelligent life in the Cosmos, this is how we’ll be notified. [show picture of twitter submission reading, “Alienz, you guys! :-O”]

JP Morgan Bank is foreclosing on the Long Island mansion owned by Victoria Gotti, the 46-year-old daughter of mafia boss John Gotti. In related news, the JP Morgan Bank has just been found in the East River.

Amy Poehler: The World Health Organization said Thursday that the swine flu virus did not result from a laboratory accident. So you’re back on the hook, Fernando, the farmer who married a pig.

Seth Meyers: Arizona State University this week decided not to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama, who gave the comencement address at their graduation ceremony, claiming that he hasn’t accomplished enough. That brings us to a segment we like to call, “Really!?! with Seth & Amy.”

[show segment logo and theme]

Seth Meyers: Really, Arizona State? You didn’t want to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama? You do realize half the people you gave regular degrees to were wearing flip flops and hiding flasks? Don’t get me wrong, you’re a fine school. Princeton Review ranks you number 17 – as a party school. As in “school” school you’re 121st. That bums you out, may I suggest you go party?

Amy Poehler: Really? And really, Arizona State, you might be over-valuing the worth of your degrees. Your acceptance rate is 95 per cent. Your slightly more selective than the Burger King Kids’ Club.

Seth Meyers: Really?

Amy Poehler: I mean, really! Were you worried that giving the degree to someone as underqualified as President Obama would tarnish the noble image of Sparky the Sun Devil? [show image of Arizona State’s mascot]

Seth Meyers: And really, how are you not impressed enough with his accomplishments? Who are you, the Great Santini? What other accomplishments are you waiting for? Not only is he the first black President, he’s the first guy in history to get accepted by Harvard and get rejected by a safety school. I mean, really?

Amy Poehler: Really!? He could live to be 200, and the first entry on his Wikipedia page will still be, “first black President.” Really! Here’s- here’s how I think the Board of Regents meeting went. Dean Skeeter was all like, “he’s only 47,” and then Dean Scootch was all like, “it’s only been a hundred days,” and then Dean Skeeter goes, “47 only goes in a hundred like four times,” and then the pizza came and the meeting was over.

Seth Meyers: And really – Arizona State, you’ve made a dangerous gamble, because when the talks between the U.S. and Iran break down because Ahmadinejad said, “if you’re so smart, where’s your honorary degree from Arizona State?” – that’s on you! Really!

Amy Poehler: That’s blood on you hands! Really! And you know, Seth, on a different note congratulations to Notre Dame who will be giving an honorary degree to the President despite pro-life protestors. Cause, you see, Notre Dame understands that honorary degrees carry all the gravitas of a #1 Dad coffee mug. Really?

Seth Meyers: And lastly, Arizona State, you should be happy you got President Obama to speak at your graduation. You know who spoke on my graduation? Tootie from “Facts of Life.” Really! She spoke for twelve minutes and said “Facts of Life” fifty times.

Amy Poehler: And you know who spoke at mine? Natalie from “The Facts of Life”, and she never even mentioned the show!

Seth Meyers: Really?

Amy Poehler: Really? Really?!

[show segment logo and theme]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”

Seth Meyers: Responding to reports of infidelities, Kate Goslin from the reality show “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” denied that she and her husband were splitting up, though it is interesting that TLC has two shows on its fall schedule entitled “Jon Plus Four” and “Kate Plus Four.”

Karda, an orangutan at a zoo in Australia, escaped from her enclosure on Sunday after she short-circuted an electric fence and broke free. She then climbed over the fence, where another orangutan was waiting with the car running.

Amy Poehler: Walt Disney World Resort is opening an attraction next week called “The Great Piggybank Adventure,” which will teach families about personal finance. Though not as effectively as Disney’s other new attraction, “Offshore Bankers of the Caribbean.”

Seth Meyers: Last week Major League baseball was rocked by yet another steroid scandal as Manny Ramirez was suspended for fifty games for taking advance substance. Here now to discuss the issues of steroids and baseball, the ghost of Harry Carey.

Harry Carey: Hey! Hey everybody! Hey guys, hey guy. Harry Carey here! From the after life! And I gotta tell ya, folks – being dead is fantastic! This is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s like Heaven.

Seth Meyers: It’s- it’s like Heaven or it is Heaven?

Harry Carey: Let’s not get caught up in the semantics argument, Seth. The fact is it’s great.

Seth Meyers: Well, I’m- that’s good, I’m glad to hear it.

Harry Carey: Hey! You know the one thing used for currency in Heaven? Angel bucks. You always have 100 angel bucks in you wallet. And even after you pay for something you still have 100 angel bucks. I don’t even know what the point is, I guess they- they figured that even in Heaven, people like having wallets.

Seth Meyers: So how do you feel about the whole Manny Ramirez situation, Harry?

Harry Carey: Hey, Seth. Don’t you think Manny Ramirez looks like the monster from Predator?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I guess his hair is sorta-

Harry Carey: I mean, based on his size and strength, I bet the Predator monster would make a pretty good ball player. I mean, the fear would be that he would kill all the other players. I mean, I guess you can ask him not to. But I think he’d probably just tell you what you wanted to hear. Do you think you could trust him, Seth?

Seth Meyers: What?

Harry Carey: Hey, don’t jerk me around, Seth! It’s a simple ‘yes or no’ question. If the Predator monster promised he wouldn’t kill all the other players, would you put him in the game?

Seth Meyers: No?

Harry Carey: Good call, Seth. I mean, I think eventually his hunter instincts would be too hard to resist.

Seth Meyers: Okay… Do you feel like the continuing steroid scandals are tarnishing baseball?

Harry Carey: I’ve been talking about this very question a lot with my room mate in Heaven, baseball great Pete Rose.

Seth Meyers: Pete Rose isn’t dead.

Harry Carey: You’re kidding? That really burns me, I just- I just paid that guy 100 angel bucks for some memorabilia. I duped me. Although, now that I think about it there were some signs that he might not have been who he said he was.

Seth Meyers: What signs?

Harry Carey: Well, he didn’t seem to know much about baseball, and he was Asian. Come to think of it, he might never have even told me he was Pete Rose, I just assumed it. Hey!

Seth Meyers: Do you have anything else to add?

Harry Carey: Just this – waterboarding is torture, Seth. It’s like the one thing that everyone in Heaven agrees on.

Seth Meyers: Well, that… came out of nowhere.

Harry Carey: Not really. It popped into my head because I’m gonna waterboard Asian Pete Rose when I get back to my room. I mean, Heaven or no Heaven – I don’t like getting duped, Seth.

Seth Meyers: Harry Carey, everyone!

Harry Carey: God bless! Bye, Seth! Hey, bye, Amy!

Amy Poehler: Bye, Harry! Bye, Harry!

Pfizer unveiled a new program Thursday that provides people who have lost their jobs and health insurance with free Lipotorine Viagra. So good news, ladies! You know that fat guy you’ve been dating who uses Viagra? He doesn’t have a job!

Seth Meyers: Tony Danza has begun work on a new A&E series in which he will spend a year teaching tenth grade English at a New York City school. The network is already preparing a spin-off series, in which a group of students repeat tenth grade English.

It was revealed this week that Harrison Ford is engaged to his long-time girlfriend Calista Flockhart. Unfortunately, the news came to light in the final paragraph of Chewbacca’s suicide note.

A company in Japan has developed a set of knee pads that allow men to squat down in front of the toilet, reducing the possibility of splashback when they urinate. Also, that’s not what they’re for.

Amy Poehler: In an interview this week Tom Cruise said that he will never give up his life as an actor to go into politics. Though he would consider giving up movies to become “Pope of Outer Space.”

A man in Florida who is an aspiring rapper told police that he robbed a convenience store and shot a clerk in the head with a BB gun in an effort to gain street cred for his hip hop career. So good luck with your career, Lil’ Douchebag.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: And he’s Seth Meyers! Good night!

Submitted by: Maria Hartman

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/09/09: Justin Timberlake’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21






08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

…..Justin Timberlake
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Bill Hader
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Casey Wilson
…..Fred Armisen
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Justin Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: Thank you, thank you. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I can’t believe..I can’t believe I’m hosting for the third time because… The first time that I hosted, the whole thing was a blur —

Girl in Audience: I love you!

Justin Timberlake: I love you too. [ he continues ] I was terrified, it was quite awry, could not believe that it occurred. But now I’m back in Old 8H on familiar ground. Gonna make myself comfortable [sits in guys lap. This is awkward. (to guy: Say hi to America. Guy: Hello, America) ’cause I think I know my way around. I love this place!

Jason Sudeikis: Hey, Justin!Justin Timberlake: Hey, Jason. How are your parents, Dan and Cathy?

Jason Sudeikis: Oh, they’re good.

Justin Timberlake: Wasn’t it their anniversary yesterday?

Jason Sudeikis: Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot. But, they loved your flowers and note.

Justin Timberlake: Great! Well, it’s the least I could do. Good people!

Jason Sudeikis: Yeah, they are.

Justin Timberlake: I know my lines, I hit my marks, I got my blocking down. Tonight I will get the drill, I think I know my way around. Anything I can help with?

Bill Hader: I’m trying to explain to him [Chinese food delivery guy] that I can’t have anything with peanut sauce.

Justin Timberlake: Oh, let me help. (Justin says something to the delivery guy in Chinese. The guy responds in Chinese…they go back and forth for 5 seconds or so and they laugh at Justin’s joke). [To Bill] He says there’s no peanut sauce and then I made a dirty joke.

Bill Hader: Oh, thanks Justin.

Justin Timberlake: Yeah. [ to the camera ] Yes, I’m back at SNL in my favorite town. When I can lend a hand [scribbles “I think I know my way around” on cue card].. I think I know my way around.

Guy: You’re the man, Justin.Justin Timberlake: Hey man. I think I’m getting the hang of it thanks to this great cast. They’re sweet, they’re kind, they’re generous, and their talent kicks ass.

Kristen Wiig: I was supposed to look real sexy, but this dress does not feel right.

Justin Timberlake: May I make a small adjustment? [rips off some of Kristen’s dress] Now you’re ready for tonight.

Kristen Wiig: I lied. I lied about the looking sexy thing. I just wanted him to do that.

Fred Armisen: Yeah, no need to explain.

Casey Wilson: Yeah, got it.

Justin Timberlake: Since my last time, I traveled the world; I’ve grown leaps and bounds. But now I’m back where I belong, I think I know my way around.

[sits down with Lorne Michaels drinking wine and watching TV]

Justin Timberlake: It’s uh..It’s Justin.

Lorne Michaels: [nods] Justin.

Justin Timberlake: Third time here hosting, third time is a charm. Number three, you’d agree, put my all into it you can see. ‘Cause I practiced the fact is, this season’s fantastic, I’ve watched every host whether home or the road. From Affleck to Phelps, Franco to Rogen, Malkovich, Laurie, our friend Tracy Morgan. Rudd, Bradley Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris, McGraw, Zac Efron, the cute Anna Faris. Brolin, Hamm, Rosario Dawson, Baldwin, Martin, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson! Anne Hathaway, Tina Fey, but now I’m here and I gotta say…….We’ve got a great show tonight. Ciara is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/16/09: The Lawrence Welk Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22





08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

The Lawrence Welk Show

Lawrence Welk…Fred Armisen
Ted Nathers…Will Ferrell
Nora…Casey Wilson
Sister #2…Michaela Watkins
Sister #3…Abby Elliott
Junice…Kristen Wiig

(Open with the PBS logo on screen.)

Announcer: This is PBS. We now return to a mildly enjoyable super-old rerun of “The Lawrence Welk Show.”

(Cut to Lawrence Welk, surrounded by bubbles on the set.)

Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, welcome back to the Lawrence Welk Show. Aren’t these bubbles wonderful? If I could have them follow me around everywhere, I would. But enough about the wonderful bubbles, let’s continue on with our salute to spring. And what comes with the spring? Romance. Here to sing about it is the handsome baritone Ted Nathers accompanied by the Meryl Sisters who came all the way from the Finger Lakes They are lakes that look like fingers, I guess. I don’t travel. Ladies and gentlemen, Ted Nathers. One, and a two, and a…

(We cut to Ted Nathers on stage, leaning against a lamppost, as the song begins.)

Ted: Do you want to know a secret? I love this corner.

(Ted nudges the post and the light goes on.)

Ted: Boo ba ba doo, ba ba doo, ba ba doo,
I like potatoes, I like meat
I like standing on the corner of a street
It’s my favorite place to be and I’ll tell you why
It’s because I get to see the pretty ladies passing by…

(He introduces himself to each member of the as they enter.)

Ted: Hey where you goin’?

Nora: I’m going to the park!

Ted: Hey where you headin’?

Sister #2: Heading to a party!

Ted: Hey where you off to?

Sister #3: Off to the parlor!

Ted: Hey where you goin’?

Junice: And I’m Junice!

(Ted is somewhat put off by Junice, with her shrill voice and large forehead, but presses on with the song. Junice keeps staring at him.)

Ted: Hey there ladies, before you go,
There is something that I’m dyin’ to know
A tiny, tiny question, hope you understand,
Tell me what you’re looking for in a man!

(He passes behind each girl in sequence.)

Nora: I like strong arms…

Ted: Well I got ’em!

Sister #2: I like white teeth…

Ted: Hey look at ’em!

Sister #3: I like soft skin…

Ted: I use lotion!

Junice: I like, can I touch?

(Junice starts putting her extremely tiny hands on Ted, who recoils. Junice proceeds to put her arms around the lamppost, grinning all the while. Ted looks around uncomfortably.)

Ted: Well thank you ladies for enlightenin’ me
I hope you give me a chance-

Sisters: There’s one more thing we’d like to see,
And that’s if you can dance.

Ted: Well I certainly can try.

(He tap dances all over the stage, as the sisters look on impressed, except Junice, who wanders about aimlessly. Ted then dances with each girl in turn.)

Ted: How’s tha-at?

Nora: Ooh that’s nice!

Ted: And how’s thi-is?

Sister #2: Do it twice!

Ted: How’s this feel?

Sister #3: Are you for real?

Ted: Shall we dance real close?

Junice: Yeah (before Ted finishes his line).

(Ted nervously dances around with Junice, who gropes around and puts her hand on his bottom. He promptly pushes her off and she goes backstage. A crash is heard. Frustratedly, he returns to the song, looking around for her.)

Sisters: We’d like to tell you we all agree
That you’d be the perfect mate…

Ted: Then there’s only one thing to decide,
Where will we go on our first date?

Nora: We could go sailing…

Ted: I like that idea.

Sister #2: We can have a picnic…

Ted: Oh, I hope there’s no ants (The sisters laugh).

Sister #3: We could ride bikes…

Ted: A bicycle built for two? (The sisters laugh until Junice re-enters.)

Junice: I put worms in my bed and slept in my bed
And put a squirrel in my bed and mustard in my bed
And then I ate ’em all, is that bad?

Ted: Yes, that is bad.

Junice: A do doo do doo do doo doo…

(Fed up at last, Ted walks offstage with Junice following him, as her sisters walk offstage, embarrassed. We return to Lawrence Welk, looking on.)

Lawrence Welk: Tank you, tank you, wasn’t that wonderful? And by wonderful I mean interesting. Please stay tuned as our salute to Spring continues with husband and wife team Dana and Donna–

(Ted backs off, warding off Junice, who keeps going after him. She then goes around popping the bubbles with her tiny hands.)

Ted: Stay back! Stay back! Stay back!

Lawrence Welk: (continuing) singing the popular hymn “He makes all things beautiful in His time.” Now a special word from our sponsors, Pall Mall cigarettes, Coppertone tanning butter and Morton salt.

(Close on a still of the Lawrence Welk Show logo.)

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/09/09: Ciara with Justin Timberlake performs “Love Sex Money”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21



08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Ciara with Justin Timberlake performs “Love Sex Money”

…..Jessica Biel
…..Ciara
…..Justin Timberlake

Jessica Biel: Ladies and gentlemen — Ciara, with Justin Timberlake.

Ciara: [ singing ]“Your touch is so magic to me
The strangest things can happen
The way that you react to me
I wanna do something you can’t imagine
Imagine if there was a million me’s talking sexy to you like that
You think you can handle, boy
If I give you my squeeze and I need you to push it right back.

Baby, show me, show me
What’s your favorite trick that you wanna use on me
And I’ll volunteer
And I’ll be flowing and going
Till clothing disappears, ain’t nothing but shoes on me
Oh, baby.

Ciara & Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]“All night, show it, just you and the crowd
Doing tricks you never seen
And I bet that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic
So let me drive my body around you
I bet you know what I mean
Cause you know that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic.”

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]“Everything ain’t what it seems
I wave my hands and I got you
And you feel so fly assisting me
But now it’s my turn to watch you
I ain’t gonna stop you if you wanna crowd my neck
Talk sexy to me like that
Just do what I taught you, girl
When I give you my heat and I need you to push it right back.”

Ciara: [ singing ]“Baby, show me, show me
What’s your favorite trick that you wanna use on me
And I’ll volunteer
And I’ll be flowing and going
Till clothing disappears, ain’t nothing but shoes on me
Oh, baby.”

Ciara with Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]“All night, show it, just you and the crowd
Doing tricks you never seen
And I bet that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic
So let me drive my body around you
I bet you know what I mean
Cause you know that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic.

Oh, this is the part where we fall in love
Oh, let’s slow it down so we fall in love
But don’t stop what you’re doing to me.

All night, show it, just you and the crowd
Doing tricks you never seen
And I bet that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic
So let me drive my body around you
I bet you know what I mean
Cause you know that I can make you believe
In love and sex and magic.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday: 10/09/08



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 1



Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

October 9th, 2008

None

None

None

Chris Parnell

Bill Murray

None


Presidential DebateSummary: Jim Lehrer (Chris Parnell) moderates the second Presidential debate and town hall forum between Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) and John McCain (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, Barack Obama, John McCain.

Transcript

Montage

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Regarding the economic crisis, financial expert Oscar Rogers says we need to “Fix it!” Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” when AIG overspends on a luxury retreat following the bailout crisis, then are furtherly flabbergasted to ask “Oh My God, Are You Serious!?!” Daryl Hall (Will Forte) and John Oates (Fred Armisen) sing a partisan campaign tune that leans closer to supporting Barack Obama.

Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers, Daryl Hall, John Oates.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/09/09: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21







08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Justin Timberlake
…..Patricia Clarkson
…..Susan Sarandon

[ SUPER: “5 MONTHS LATER” ] [ the “Dick in a Box” singers exit the Brooklyn Detention Center carrying their boxes, which they toss into a trash can ] [ they begin to sing ]

Andy: Oh, dang.

Justin: What is it, dawg?

Andy: I forgot it’s Mother’s Day

Justin: Didn’t get a gift for her

Andy:
Other plans got in the way
She’ll be so disappointed

Justin: Damn, I forgot it too

Andy: This could have been avoided

Both: What the hell are we gonna do?

Justin:
My mom’s been so forlorn
Ever since my daddy left

Andy: Cold

Justin:
No one to hold her tight
Life has put her to the test

Andy:
I know just what you mean
My mom’s been so sad and gray

Justin: Word

Andy: My dad can’t satisfy her in the bedroom ever since he passed away

Both: Hold up

Andy: You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

Justin: I’m thinkin’ I’m thinkin’ too

Both: Slow up

Andy: What time is it, dawg?

Justin: It’s time for a switcheroo

Both:
We both love our moms, women with grown-women needs
I say we break ‘em off
Show ‘em how much they really mean
‘Cause I’m a motherlover
You’re a motherlover
We should f— each other’s mothers

Justin:
F— each other’s moms
You’ve seen that place that you came out as a baby
Ain’t no doubt that sh– is crazy
F— each other’s moms

Both:
‘Cause every Mother’s Day needs a mother’s night
If doing it is wrong, I don’t wanna be right
I’m callin’ on you, ’cause I can’t do it myself
To me you’re like a brother, so be my motherlover

Andy:
I’m layin’ in the cut, waitin’ for your mom
Clutchin’ on this lube and roses

Justin:
I got my digital camera
I’m gonna make your mama do a million poses

Andy: They will be so surprised

Justin: We are so cool and thoughtful

Andy: Can’t wait to pork your mom

Justin: I’m gonna be the syrup, she can be my waffle

Both: Sho ’nuff

Justin: My mother loves bubble bath with chamomile

Both: Straight up

Andy: Give it to my mom d-d-d-d-d-d-d—y-style

Both:
This the perfect plan
For a perfect Mother’s Day
They’ll have to rename this one
All Up Under the Covers Day
‘Cause I’m a motherlover
You’re a motherlover
We should f— each other’s mothers
Justin: F— each other’s moms
I’ll push in that place
Where you came out as a baby
Ain’t no doubt that sh– is crazy
F— each other’s moms

Andy:
Break it down
It would be my honor to be your new stepfather

Justin: It would be my honor to be your new stepfather

Andy:
I’ll let you do my mother
Make me another brother
And I’m gonna do your mother
I’ll never use a rubber

Justin:
Oh!
‘Cause every Mother’s Day needs a mother’s night
If doing it is wrong, I don’t wanna be right
I’m callin’ on you, ’cause I can’t do it myself
To me you’re like a brother, so be my motherlover
They blessed us both with the gift of life
She brought you in this world, so I’mma sex her right
This is the second-best idea that we’ve ever had
The choice can be no other
Be my motherlover.

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 1: 10/09/08: Presidential Debate



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 1




























Weekend Update Thursday 1

Presidential Debate

Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Elizabeth Wheeler…..Casey Wilson
Sen. Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond
Kevin Quigley…..Bill Hader
Anthony Cipelli…..Bobby Moynihan
William Murray…..Bill Murray
Mark Ladue…..Jason Sudeikis
Susan Calkins…..Kristen Wiig
David Kip…..Andy Samberg
Dalton Cheeks…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on CNN graphic ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Belmont University, Curb Event Center ]

[ dissolve to Tom Brokaw ]

Tom Brokaw: Good evening, and welcome… [ audience applauds ] to Belmont University, in Nashville, Tennessee, for the second in a series of three Presidential debates, between Senator Barack Obama of Illinois, and, Senator John McCain of Arizona. I’m Tom Brokaw, of NBC News, and I will be your moderator this evening. Tonight’s debate will follow a town hall format, with questions submitted by the eighty undecided voters in our audience, as well as thousands more sent in via email. From this enormous list of penetrating, insightful, and provocative questions, I have chosen the eight least interesting. For each question, the candidates will be allowed a twenty-five second response, and, at my discretion, a three second follow-up. These are the rules both campaigns agreed upon. And our first question is for Senator Obama, and it comes from Elizabeth Wheeler.

Elizabeth Wheeler: Senator Obama. Over the last few weeks, the financial crisis which began with home foreclosures has threatened to wreck the entire economy. As President, how would you deal with this?

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhhh — first of all, Elizabeth, thank you for that question. There is no doubt, that after eight years of failed Republican policies, policies which Senator McCain supported, this economy is a shambles. But let me tell you, and the American people, one thing I absolutely promise…

Tom Brokaw: Time’s up! Senator McCain?

Sen. John McCain: Elizabeth, to find any solution to this economic mess, we’re going to have to put aside partisanship. Something my opponent — [ points to Obama with his thumb ] this character here — isn’t very good at. But I’ve done my whole career. You know, my friends, I’m not the most popular guy in my own party. Just ask Senator Trent Lott. I took his car one time without asking, and totaled it. Just drove it into a wall, and walked away! I’m not going to win any popularity contests among Republicans. But, Maria, when it comes to the economy, here’s what I’d do. It’s very simple…

Tom Brokaw: Your time is up! For our next question, we’ll turn to foreign policy. The question is for Senator McCain, and it comes from Kevin Quigley.

Kevin Quigley: [ reading from a card in his hand ] Senator, in recent months, Russia has threatened to cut off natural gas supplies to Europe, and invaded the Republic of Georgia. As President, how would you deal with this new Cold War threat?

Sen. John McCain: Well, first of all, Luther, thank you for your question. And let me start by saying, no foreign policy can succeed if it’s not bi-partisan. So I would first… reach out for the support of Senate Democrats. And if that bothers my fellow Republicans, frankly, I don’t care. Ask Lindsay Graham. I once flushed three cherry bombs down the toilet of his Senate office. Absolutely destroyed the plumbing. I’m willing to buck members of my own party. Now, Eduardo, as to dealing with Russia… I would order all our nuclear-armed B-52s into the airspace over that country. And I would deliver the following message to Mr. Putin and Medvedev… my friends —

Tom Brokaw: Senator McCain, your time is up! Senator Obama?

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhh, Kevin, by way of answering your very profound question, let me tell you about an experience I once had. And, this is a story I’ve never told anyone. Now, uh, when I was a young boy, uh, maybe eight or nine, I was taken aboard an alien spacecraft. And held there for about two Earth Weeks. And, I’ll never forget something the leader of that alien crew told me…

Tom Brokaw: That’s it, Senator Obama! Your time is up.

Sen. Barack Obama: If I could, uh, this is a really interesting story.

Tom Brokaw: Okay, these were rules BOTH campaigns agreed on!

Sen. Barack Obama: But…

Tom Brokaw: Our next question is for Senator McCain, and it comes from Anthony Cipelli.

Anthony Cipelli: Thank you. Senator McCain, over the last ten years or so, it seems Americans have grown increasingly divided from one another. How would you bring this nation together?

Sen. John McCain: Oscar, that’s a very good question. And here’s my answer. I would continue what I’ve done for 25 years, which is to reach across party lines. [ points to Obama with his thumb ] Something that “pee-pants” over here would never even consider! Because, you see, Zebediah, I don’t mind upsetting members of my own party. Elizabeth Dole will tell you. I once got a hold of one of her checkbooks, and kited checks all over Washington! I ruined her credit rating! [ quickly ] She’d be the first to agree, I’m no slave to Republican orthodoxy. How was my time?

Tom Brokaw: Just made it.

Sen. John McCain: Yes!!!

Tom Brokaw: Senator Obama?

Sen. Barack Obama: [ throughout this answer, McCain wanders around the floor of the debate, crossing in and out of camera frame ] Anthony, you’ve hit the question. How do we as a people come together? So, let me tell you another story I’ve never shared before. One I left out of my second book. It’s about a man I met many years ago in Chicago. And, uh, at first, I thought, we had almost nothing in common. But over the course of working together, year in, year out. Talking to each other, and most important, listening to each other, we became friends. Sharing not only that friendship, but our plans for this country’s future. And that man — my best friend, and my mentor — is former Weather Underground leader, and un-repentant terrorist, William Ayers. Now, I’m telling you this because, I’m so far ahead in the polls right now, it’s not going to matter.

Tom Brokaw: Thank you, Senator. 1.6 seconds over. We now have a question for both candidates. And it’s from William Murray.

[ the audience cheers and applauds the sight of Bill Murray ]

William Murray: Senator Obama, Senator McCain… Last week, in the National League Divisional Playoffs, the Chicago Cubs faced the Los Angeles Dodgers. In Game One, the Cubs lost 7-3. In Game Two, they lost 10-3. And in Game Three, 3-1. What, as President, would you do to guarantee this never happens again? Senators, in your answers, please be specific.

Sen. Barack Obama: Uhh — that’s a fair question, William. But let’s face it. The Cubs may very well be in the Playoffs again, perhaps even next year. If so, they will lose again. And they’re going to keep right on losing, year after year, after year. Because that, that is what the Cubs do. We as a nation have got to wean Cubs fans away from supporting that team, and re-train them to root for other teams, teams that will actually have a chance of winning.

Tom Brokaw: Senator McCain?

Sen. John McCain: Here, I have to agree with my opponent. Let me give you some straight talk, my friends. The Cubs will never win the pennant. Much less the World Series. [ points to Obama with his thumb ] “Junior” over there, he won’t tell you that. [ he laughs ] I just did!

Tom Brokaw: Alright, we’ve fallen a bit behind, so we’re going to pick up the pace. Our next question is from Mark Ladue, and it’s for Senator McCain.

Mark Ladue: Senator McCain, uh, while here in the U.S., our economy is suffering; in Iraq, there is an economic boom. Shouldn’t the government of that country reimburse us the cost of the war?

Sen. John McCain: My friends…

Tom Brokaw: (interrupting) Time! We’ll go now to Susan Calkins who has a question for Senator Obama. Ms. Calkins, quickly.

Susan Calkins: Senator Obama. Healthcare costs have exploded. As a full-time —

Tom Brokaw: (interrupting) Ms. Calkins, I’m sorry! Your time is up!

Susan Calkins: [ she scowls and sits ]

Tom Brokaw: We’ve almost no time left, and I’d like to get both our remaining questions in. So I’m going to ask David Kip and Dalton Cheeks to read them simultaneously.

(at the same time:)

David Kip: Senator Obama. As a teacher, I find myself dealing with larger and larger classes, but without a corresponding increase in resources. As president, how would you address this?

Dalton Cheeks: Senator McCain. Like yourself, I am a military veteran. And in dealing with the Veterans Administration, it seems we’re left to fend for ourselves. How, as President, could you help?

Tom Brokaw: Senators, your simultaneous responses?

(at the same time, split screen:)

Sen. Barack Obama: That’s an excellent question, David. And let me say, teachers are too important to the future of this country, to leave them in this outrageous situation. When I am President, this will change. And that’s change you can believe in.

Sen. John McCain: Thank you for that question, Dalton. And let me tell you something. In a McCain Presidency, no veteran will go without the help he needs. That’s one promise I will never break. As sure as I’m a maverick. A reform-minded, straight-talking maverick.

Tom Brokaw: (clicks stop watch) Unbelievable! That’s unbelievable! We got every question in, with nine seconds to spare.

[ Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain high five ]

Tom Brokaw: So, clearly, this has been…

[ Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain wanders the floor of the debate, crossing in and out of camera frame during Brokaw’s closing]

…one of the finest Presidential debates ever. Uh, I’d like to thank the candidates… gentlemen, you’re blocking my prompter there…

[Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain clear out of the shot ]

…I’d like to thank the candidates, our audience, and Belmont University. From all of us here in Nashville, good night, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”

Submitted by: Ian Manka & Larkin

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/09/09: Target Greatland



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21




Buy Posters at AllPosters.com


08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Target Greatland

Target Lady…..Kristen Wiig
Customer #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Peg…..Justin Timberlake
Customer #2…..Abby Elliott
Customer #3…..Kenan Thompson

[Exterior of Target. Dissolve to store Interior. The Target Lady rings up a customer.]

Target Lady: Welcome to Target! Lets see…(Passing the items over the scanner) Yard gloves…tomato seeds…fertilizer…[Excitedly] Hey, Pat Sajack, I’ll solve the puzzle! Gardening! [The Customer stares at her perplexedly.] It’s gonna be $42.11.

Customer #1: Here you go. [Hands her a bill.]

Target Lady: [Excited] A Fifty!!! [Marks it with a highlighter to test it] And it’s legit!!! I get to put this under the tray! [She does]

Customer #1: I’m sorry; I’m in a hurry…

Target Lady: Hey, uh…you know what fertilizer is, right?

Customer #1: Excuse me?

Target Lady: It’s part dirt and part feces. It’s my job to let you know what you’re buying, I just thought I should let you know, you’re buying a big bag of feces.

Customer #1: …Thanks?

Target Lady: Someone left a bag of feces on my doorstep once. It was Halloween and they rang the bell but when I got there they were gone but they left their feces bag! They must have forgotten it! I put it in my garden but it didn’t help any of my plants, I think because it came from a person. [Customer looks disgusted] I’m sure this will work because this manure came from a chicken!!!

[There is a cartoon sound effect of a bullet whizzing by. When the camera cuts back to a two shot the Customer is gone.]

Target Lady: Wow! I haven’t seen anything move this fast since I went to an illegal mouse race! That was a weird, weird night.

Peg: [offscreen] Did somebody say weird?

Target Lady: Peg!

[Peg, an elderly woman in a pink bathrobe and a neckbrace enters clutching her purse and a can of coconut juice.]

Peg: Hey, girlfriend!

Target Lady: Hey!

Peg: So, I strained my neck…

Target Lady: How’d you do that, Girlfriend?

Peg: I was pushin’ a wash machine up a hill when my fashion sandal got caught on a decorative yard prick, is that just not classic Peg?

[She chortles to herself silently, shoulders shaking from mirth. She will do this every time she says the words “Classic Peg”]

Target Lady: Classic Peg!

Peg: So then I tripped and tried to brace myself on the washer lid but I ended up breaking it off and fallin inside! I rolled all the way down the hill inside of it. I mean I was holdin’ on to the cup that holds the softener and my legs were clinched around the agitator pole, can you believe it? Is that not just classic Peg?

Target Lady: So Classic!

Peg: So the next thing I know, I’m peerin’ my head out of the machine, it’s eight in the morning and I’m behind the Dunky Donuts by the private airport. Claaaaaasic Peg!

Target Lady: So, what brings you to Target, miss Thaing?

Peg: Two words: Potato sticks and Carl Earl. I got a date tonight.

Target Lady: Yowsa!

Peg: Well, you know how I roll [She attempts to roll her head sideways hip-hop style.] I just – ow. [She touches her neck brace gingerly.] I’ll be right back.

[Peg exits. A second customer enters with a basket.]

Customer #2: Hi, can I pay for these?

[Peg returns]

Peg: I forgot my coconut water, just classic Peg! [She looks uncomfortably at the customer and leaves again.]

Target Lady: Look how long your hair is! I bet if you put it up in a bun it’d look like you were wearing a hair-covered Kaiser roll! [Takes the Customer’s basket] Let’s see..[Rings up items] Sunscreen…nose plugs…I wear nose plugs around the house when my neighbor cooks broccoli! [Picks up a package of children’s arm floaties] What’s this? Arm floaties?

Customer #2: Yeah, you blow them up with air, they’re for my son to help him swim. [The Target Lady suddenly leaves in the middle of her sentence.] Hey, where are you going?

[A Third customer enters]

Customer #3: Excuse me, is this register open?

Customer #2: Yeah, I guess, but the lady just took off.

Customer #3: Is it a white lady with a haircut that looks like she’s got bangs that go all the way around her head and never stop?

Customer #2: Yeah.

Customer #3: Does she sound like her voice box is covered in egg?

Customer #2: That’s her.

Customer #3: Yep, I thought so. I’m waiting in the other line.

[The Target Lady returns with a pack of arm floaties]

Target Lady: I found ‘em! I’m gonna blow these up and put em on my antique bean cans and fill ‘em with pencils so I can write thank-you notes in the tub!

[The two customers stare at her for a moment, flummoxed, and then silently leave to use another register. Peg returns.]

Target Lady: Peg! You’re back!

Peg: You are never gonna believe what just happened to me, girl. I was checkin my mascara in one of the fish tanks when all of a sudden I felt this tiny pinch on the edge of my panty band. I looked around, pushed my slacks down to my ankles and saw somethin’ crawlin’ on me. It was a Black Widow Spider!

Target Lady: Those are poisonous!

Peg: I know! So I flicked it on the ground and get this, it was a half-flattened licorice jelly bean. So there I was, laughin’ with my comfort slacks around my ankles at the fish tanks at Target! Classic Peg! Then guess who runs into me? My Preacher from church! And guess what he said?

Target Lady: [Excitedly] That Heaven has a Target?!

Peg: [Confused]: No…he didn’t say that. [Laughs silently, sholders shaking.] Classic Peg!

Target Lady: Classic Peg to the Max!

Peg: [Holding up a pair of pink satin handcuffs] And look what else I found for my date tonight. Bam-chicka-wow-wow! [Dances a bit with the handcuffs]

Target Lady: Satin handcuffs, where are those?!!

Peg: They’re with the bachelorette party stuff [Target Lady suddenly leaves again] I think it was aisle twelve…[Her phone rings, a catchy polyphonic melody. Peg dances a bit and bobs her head to the song before taking out her rhinestoned phone and slowly answering it.] This Peg. Yes, I did call for a full body waxing except for the neck. Yes, it usually takes about three hours with two breaks. Yes, I can hop on my scooter and be there in twenty. Oops, I gotta go, my friend’s comin’ back!

[Target Lady returns with a pair of satin handcuffs]

Target Lady: Wham, bam, thank you Peg! I’m gonna put these around the trunks of my indoor palm trees to make sure they grow parallel to one another!

Peg: Well, listen I gotta go, I gotta get to my waxin’. My Barbara Bush is getting bigger by the minute. [Target Lady appears to be grossed out.] I call it that because well, it’s white, and a bunch of people took pictures of it in the nineties.

Target Lady: TMI, miss girl.

Peg: I was thinking about makin’ cabbage tacos for us tonight. Maybe I should pick up some air freshener.

Target Lady: How ‘bout instead you get a scented candle?!! We have Vanilla, Lavender breeze, Peppermint, I think there’s stress reliever in that, Lilac…

[She continues talking and Peg begins dancing as the camera pulls back and the sketch fades out.]

Submitted by: Ted Zoldan

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 1: 10/09/08: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Bonus Episode 1




Weekend Update Thursday 1

Goodnights

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers

Amy Poehler: Thank you very much. See you back here next week, with another “Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday”.

Seth Meyers: Special thanks to Bill Murray and Chris Parnell. Thank you for coming back.

Amy Poehler: Good night!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/09/09: Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>












08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Gov. David Patterson…..Fred Armisen
Gov. Eliot Spitzer…..Bill Hader
…..Chris Pine
….Zachary Quinto
Audience Trekkies…..Kenan Thompson & Bobby Moynihan
…..Leonard Nimoy

Announcer: Weekend Update with Seth Myers!

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories…..

[image: Air Force One above Liberty Island] Louis Caldero, the White House aide who authorized the controversial photograph of Air Force One over Manhattan, resigned on Friday. May I suggest that they replace him with Photoshop…You don’t have to fly Air Force One over Manhattan to get a picture of Air Force One over Manhattan – here’s a photo of Air Force On e over the pyramids – here it is in a crowded elevator – here it is on the red carpet with the space shuttle [the background changes accordingly each time] – and of course here it is in the popular children’s book, “Where’s Air Force One?” [the background takes on a “Where’s Waldo?” appearance]

Pope Benedict, on Friday, began his first trip to the Middle East in hopes that the Catholic Church can play a role in the region’s peace process – and because it’s the Middle East, he traveled inside the official Popemobile Inside Another Popemobile.

[image: Ramirez at bat] ESPN has reported that the drug that resulted in Manny Ramirez’s suspension from basbeall was a fertility drug. How did a fertility drug make him a better baseball player? That’s not his bat.

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, John Edwards’s wife Elizabeth said she has no idea if the former presidential candidate is the father of his mistress’s baby – though judging from this photo [an infant sporting Edwards’s trademark haircut], I’d say there’s a resemblence.

On Wednesday, Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marraige after Gov. Balducci signed a same-sex marriage bill into law. It’s the best news for gays in Maine since LL Bean introduced a line of assless duckwaders.

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – before the wedding, the couple was registered at Craate & Baareyhl.

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – the wedding video is already nominated for an Independent Spirit Award…oh there’s more –

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – here’s their official celebrity couple nickname – “AAARAAA”.

New York Governor David Patter…Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married this past weekend – they wrote their own vowels.

Seth Meyers: New York Governor David Patterson has come under increased criticism, with a recent poll showing the 51% of New Yorkers would actually prefer to see disgraced former Governor Eliot Spitzer running things in Albany. Here now to comment – Governor David Patterson and former Governor Eliot Spitzer!

[Patterson, who is legally blind, badly overshoots the desk while wheeling in]

David Patterson: Marco!

Eliot Spitzer: Polo!

David Patterson: We’re just kidding, Seth.

Seth Meyers: Well, thank you both for coming. Now you both must’ve been, uh, surprised by the poll results…

David Patterson: Indeed – I haven’t scored that low since my driving exam…you know, Seth, it’s a little tough when people think you have worse judgement than a guy who didn’t wanna use a condom with a prostitute!

Eliot Spitzer: Hey, come on – it was fun! Good time!

David Patterson: By the way, not wearing a condom with a prostitute – that’s like driving in a convertible through New Jersey!….Because, the place is so polluted.

Seth Meyers: Well, uh, let’s cut out the Jersey stuff…

Eliot Spitzer: Believe me, if we could cut out Jersey, we would! You know, they won’t let you pump your own gas there? But it’s because most people in Jersey lack that skill set. In New Jersey, pumping gas is like performing brain surgery!

Seth Meyers: OK, OK – can we please get back to the poll?

David Patterson: That’s what he said! To a prostitute!

Eliot Spitzer: Nice one! Seriously, that poll must’ve been a pretty crazy phone call to get – “Hello”

David Patterson: “Yes?”

Eliot Spitzer: “Uh, who would you rather have as Governor – the prostitute guy or Mr. Disaster?”

David Patterson: “That’s a tough call to make since all options are terrible. It’s like judging a beauty contest in New Jersey!”

David Patterson: Now, Governor Sitzer, um, this poll is good news for you as you’re trying to re-enter public life.

Eliot Spitzer: Oh, yeah, I’ve been rebuilding my image. Plus, let’s remember, no charges were ever pressed against me – I’m a free man. I’m like the guy in “The Shawshank Redemption” , except I never had to tunnel behind a pin-up girl. Oh, wait – I did! Seriously, though, people are turning to me in this tough economic time. I was known as the “Sheriff of Wall Street” –

David Patterson: Yes, and I was the deputy who they wouldn’t let have a gun!

Seth Meyers: Governor Patterson, your term hasn’t been all bad – I mean, you did get a good deal of supprt recently when you endorsed the legalization of gay marriage

David Patterson: Well, that’s true, Seth – I believe that marriage should be open to people of all sexual orientations…

Eliot Spitzer: I believe marriage should be OPEN! [picks up Patterson’s hand to engage in a high-five]

Seth Meyers: Republicans like Joe Scarborough have commented this week that this poll proves that it will be very easy for the Republicans to take Albany…

David Patterson: You think so, genius? I mean the only way I’m getting re-elected is if I save New York from a Cloverfield!

Eliot Spitzer: Maybe it’s one of those Sanjaya situations, where people vote for him because it’s funny!

Seth Meyers: Alright, Alright – so what do you think is in store for both of you?

David Patterson: We might go into entertainment, Seth..

Eliot Spitzer: Yeah, now we’re pitchin’ a detective show to Spike TV – It’s called “Horndog and Blurry”!

Seth Meyers: You both realize you’ve burned a lot of bridges out here…

David Patterson: Yes, Seth, we have burned a lot of bridges – now if we can only flood the tunnels, they’ll be no way to get to…New Jersey! [Spitzer againpicks up Patterson’s hand to engage in a high-five]

Seth Meyers: David Patterson and Eliot Spitzer, everybody!

Police in California arrested a man who tried to smuggle songbirds into the US by strapping more than a dozen birds to his legs, and trying to walk out of the Los Angeles airport. Police became suspicious when they noticed the man was twittering without a Blackberry.

“Harry Potter The Exhibition” opened at the Chicago Museum of Science and In..[David Patterson emerges in front of the camera] OK…”Harry Potter The Exhibition” opened at the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry last week, using over 200 props to recreate the magical world of Hogwarts. The exhibit offers fans a chance to meet magical creatures like Buckbeat the Hyppogryph, Dobie the House Elf, and Barry the 47-Year-Old who is Required to Introduce Himself Under Megan’s Law.

A pair of identical twins in China married another pair of identical twins. What are the odds of that? Actually, in China, about 3 to 1.

A Philadelphia museum has rejected a request to test its sample of Abraham Lincoln’s blood to see if the 16th President had a rare genetic disorder – which is weird, because I thought we were pretty clear on cause of death.

This week, Shenelle, who has been named the World’s Oldest Dog by Guiness World Records, turned 21 years old. Shenelle also holds the world record for Longest Time Playing Dead, so I’m just saying – maybe someone should check on Shenelle.

A man in Russia who underwent penis enlargement surgery returned to his doctors a month later, begging them to undo it, because he was too big, and no woman wanted to be with him – though it’s a little suspicious, because he just kept saying it really loud near the nurse’s station.

Seth Meyers: On Thursday, “Star Trek” opened in theaters nationwide with an ad campaign that promised, “This isn’t your father’s Star Trek”, a sentiment that upset some of the hard-core fanbase of the franchise. Here to address these fans – the stars of the film, Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto. [loud cheers as Pine and Quinto enter]

Chris Pine: Thank you Seth! Zachary and I wanted to come out tonight and address the longtime fans of Star Trek –

Zachary Quinto: We understand that you’re concerned about the way we are handling your beloved franchise…[two Trekkies – one in a Starfleet uniform, the other a McCoy/Uhura t-shirt and false Vulcan ears – are shown in the audience, and the look on their faces suggest they’re skeptical to say the least]…but don’t worry, we’ve gone to great lengths to fit in with the established canon.

Chris Pine: Absolutely – all the Star Trek, uh, stardates correspond perfectly with the ones used in The Original Series and The Next Generation. (they don’t at all, but as a fan I have no problem with that, since the ones on the show made absolutely no sense)

Zachary Quinto: And our movie takes the time to explore the origins of the kohlinar ceremony, as it is connected to the fascinating Pon farr marriage ritual.

Chris Pine: And I swear – that the, uh, the transporters on this Enterprise utilize the, um, the hay-say (Heisenberg compensator) um – oh. God, I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Zachary Quinto: Neither do I, but – you guys, seriously, please – you’ve got to stop harrassing us!

Seth Meyers: You’re getting harrassed?!

Chris Pine: Hm-um.

Zachary Quinto: Yeah, you have no idea how insane some of these fans are, Seth [the Trekkies in the audience do not take that comment well].

Chris Pine: Yeah. Yeah, I’m getting angry calls in the middle of the night, Seth. I mean, at least I think they’re angry, I can’t really understand them – they’re either speaking Vulcan or…Hebrew.

Zachary Quinto: And they keep vandalizing my mailbox – every morning I wake up and it’s filled up with decapitated action figures and empty inhaler canisters.

Chris Pine: And they’re tying notes to rocks, and throwing them against my windows – it’s scratching the glass!

Seth Meyers: The rock don’t…break through the windows?

Chris Pine: No – they’re…clearly not throwing them hard enough.

Seth Meyers: I guess I’m just surprised that you guys would be intimidated by Trekkies…

Zachary Quinto: Yeah, well, they can be pretty intimidating, Seth [he and Pine both point in their direction] – I mean, look [the two Trekkies give death stares to the actors]

Seth Meyers: Well maybe, a little intimidating, maybe…

Chris Pine: We…we just really hope they come out and see the movie, Seth.

Leonard Nimoy: [in the background] They will come. They will come…[the audience cheers his arrival, and the Trekkies’ mood changes instantly from fury to euphoria]…

Zachary Quinto: But, Leonard, what if the fans reject Chris and me as the new Kirk and Spock?

Leonard Nimoy: Gentlemen, I’ve spent years of my life among Trekkies, uh – Trekkers, and, they have been some of the greatest years of my life – and while it may take some time, I believe that soon they will find you, Chris, to be equal to the original Captain Kirk, and you, Zach, to be slightly less than equal to the original Spock [Nimoy – Quinto smiles at the joke], but ultimately OK.

Seth Meyers: OK. Um, do you think that they’re gonna like the film?

Leonard Nimoy: Well – to not like it…

Seth Meyers: Uh – I know what you’re gonna say. To not like it – would be illogical [quite pleased with himself, having beaten Mr. Spock himself to the logic-based punchline]

Leonard Nimoy: No – I was going to say…to not like it would make them dickheads.

[coming from their hero, the Trekkies heartily accept this suggestion]

Seth Meyers: The Star Trek cast everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers – good night!

[Meyers, Pine, Quinto and Nimoy all perform the Vulcan salute]

Submitted by: Teddy Shipp

SNL Transcripts