SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 221

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Alec Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! I’m so happy to be here hosting the season finale of “Saturday Night Live”. I am proud to say that this is my fifteenth time hosting — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Putting me 14 shows ahead of Ms. Betty White.

Now that I’ve hit the 15-mark, I tie Steve Martin for most tmes hosting this show. Some people think that Steve and I have some sort of rivalry, and that’s… ridiculous. We just hosted the Oscars together, and we’re good friends. In fact, Steve agreed to be here tonight, via satellite. Steve Martin, everybody!

[ Alec claps, as a TV is wheeled out, with Steve Martin on-screen ]

Steve Martin: Hello, everyone! I’d like to thank all my friends at Facebook Mexico, for demanding that I appear in this “Saturday Night Live” monologue. You know, when I first started —

[ Alec holds up a remote control and clicks the TV off, smiling ]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, no! Must be satellite trouble! I wish we could have heard more from Steve.

[ suddenly, the TV clicks right back on, with Steve pointing a remote control toward the screen ]

Steve Martin: Ah! Found the remote! [ continuing ] And I’d like to congratulate you, Alec —

[ Alec rolls the TV off-camera ]

Alec Baldwin: Being here is always an honor. But, earlier this week, I had another exciting honor: Giving the commencement address for New York University at Yankee Stadium. Do we have a photo?

[ cut to a photograph of Yankee Stadium ]

Uh, I was hoping for a photo of me giving the speech. Anyway — it was a thrill. I received an honorary doctorate in Fine Arts, so, from now on, I would like you all to call me… Dr. Alec Baldwin, OB-GYN.

You know, NYU is my alma mater, but, in a sense, so is SNL. So I’d like to deliver… the SNL Commencement Address:

“Distinuished guests… audience members… to all of you watching at home tonight or, more realistically, Monday orning on a computer… We’ve come to the end of another season of “Saturday Night Live”. But we did not get to this point alone. I think we should take a moment to thank our families for all the have done for us. Family — [ the audience cheers ] Family should always come first. Your relatives should be valued above all others. Here, in this order: My brother, Billy, first… and then my brother Daniel and Stephen kind of jockeying back and forth for second position. I’ll wrap things up; I’m not one of those people who loves to hear the sound of his voice. I don’t have to, because so many other people love the sound of my voice. It’s an incredible voice. But I want to share a piece of advice: Follow your dreams. They can take you to some amazing places. You know, 20 years ago there was a young movie star living in Hollywood, but he wanted more. So he worked and he worke,d and he dreamed and he dreamed. Yes, he had his share of setbacks, including a difficult public divorce from a beautiful, complicated actress… but he never lost hope, and his dream came true. Because today that movie star’s on a sitcom, and he’s happy. Happier than he’s ever been. How do I know? Because, ladies and gentlemen, that man… is Charlie Sheen.

We have a great show tonight! Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Oil Spill Press Conference

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 22

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Oil Spill Press Conference

Tony Hayward…..Bill Hader
Steve Newman…..Fred Armisen
Tim Probert…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: And now, a message from the people who ruined our ocean.

[ dissolve to press conference set-up ]

Tony Hayward: Good evening. I’m Tony Hayward, from British Petroleum.

Steven Newman: I’m Steven Newman, from Transocean.

Tim Probert: And I’m Tim Probert, from Halliburton! [ he grins laciviously ] We’re ba-a-a-ack!

Tony Hayward: You probably heard we’ve made several attempts to contain the spill. An early plan was called the Top Hat. That’s where we try to cover the leak with a large containment tank.

Steven Newman: [ matter-of-factly ] This plan did not work.

Tony Hayward: Then we tried something involving a giant tube. This plan was dear to my heart because it was a suggestion of my five-year-old daughter.

Tim Probert: It was a total failure!

Tony Hayward: We’ve also announced a new plan called… The Junk Shot. That’s where we shoot a pile of garbage AT the leak, and try to plug it up.

Steven Newman: Now, that one hasn’t failed yet… but we’re confident it will.

Tony Hayward: Those are the only plans we’ve announced so far, but, tonight, we’ve come together to assure you we have MANY other ideas. Ideas formulated by our top scientists, using state-of-the-art technology. The first plan is called… Dolphins With Mops.

Steven Newman: That’s where we round up a bunch of dolphins and Scotch-tape mops to their fins.

Tim Probert: It may not work, but, rest-assured, Halliburton WILL make a profit! [ he clenches his fist ]

Tony Hayward: Our next plan is called… The Schweppes Offensive. That’s where we fight the oil spill head-on with a bunch of club soda.

Tim Probert: Mmm-hmm. Club soda gets EVERYTHING out.

Steven Newman: Now… you might ask, “How could that possibly work?” [ he leaves it at that ]

Tony Hayward: Another idea we have is… The Oil Whisperer.

Steven Newman: Uh… we would hire someone like the Dog Whisperer, but… for oil.

Tim Probert: Mmm-hmm. And, he would go up to the oil and say, “Bad oil! Stop it!”

Tony Hayward: [ quieting him down ] And… there are many more. Like… Aquaman. Blame The French. Duct Tape. And, our personal favorite… The Back-Up Plan. That’s where we blow this whole oil mess off and go see J-Lo’s new romantic comedy, “The Back-Up Plan”! It might not help, but I think we could all use the laughs!

[ they all giggle coquettishly ]

Tim Probert: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

Tony Hayward: No matter what happens, we just want to assure the American people that we WILL stop this leak, we WILL clean up this mess, and we WILL get back to do what we do best: Robbing you blind at the gas pump! And, finally, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts