[ Andy escorts Betty to a single chair in an all-white colored studio. ]
Andy Samberg: Right this way
Betty White: Where are we going?
Andy Samberg: Just have a seat right here.
Betty White: Okay.
[ Betty sits down. ]
Andy Samberg: Betty — youve given us so many memorable memories over the years. This ones for you!
[ Andrew Golds THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND from The Golden Girls begins. ]
Maya Rudolph: [singing] Thank you for being a friend.
Fred Armisen, Molly Shannon, Kristen Wiig: [singing]Traveled down the road and back again.
Nasim Pedrad: [singing]Your heart is true.
Tina Fey, Bobby Moynihan, Jason Sudeikis: [singing]Youre a pal and a confidante.
[ Betty chuckles in delight. ]
Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler: [singing]And if you threw a party.
Jenny Slate, Kenan Thompson: [singing]And invited everyone you knew.
Betty White: Oh! I love it!
Will Forte, Ana Gasteyer: [singing]You would see the biggest gift would be from me.
Abby Elliott, Bill Hader: [singing]And the card attached would say
All: [singing]Thank You for Being a Friend!
Betty White: Oh, that was just lovely! But I think I prefer my version
[ Betty dons a ski mask. She pops out of her chair with a microphone. ]
Betty White: 1, 2, 3, 4!!!
[ A hardcore, heavy metal version of THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND plays. Several biker boys are throwing down a mad mosh pit. Betty simulating humping on one of the bikers. The SNL cast is horrified and/or stunned. Betty smashes a 2 x 4 against one of the bikers, who spews blood on Nasim. Two of the bikers tackle Andy. Jason pulls out his iPhone to snap a photo. Everyone else seems to engage in a fist fight. An out-of-breath Betty pops a seat and removes her ski mask. ]
Oil Spill Press ConferenceSummary: Representatives from British Petroleum (Bill Hader), Transocean (Fred Armisen), and Halliburton (Jason Sudeikis) offer lamebrained solutions for cleaning up the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.
Grady Wilson’s Intimate & InternationalSummary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques for seniors with the aid of randy Greek Kostos (Alec Baldwin).
Recurring Characters: Grady Wilson.
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “I Should Have Known It”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Orange-colored Snooki (Bobby Moynihan) promotes the second season of “Jersey Shore” and flirts with Seth Meyers. Stefon (Bill Hader) discusses more trendy vacation spots for families. Unprepared Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) sing more songs as though they were making them up on the spot.
Recurring Characters: Snooki, Stefon, Garth, Kat.
TimecrowaveSummary: Gram Lampton (Alec Baldwin) and Penny Schmeer (Kristen Wiig) show how you can save time, as long as you remember to send your lunch back from the future.
Whistle If You CanSummary: Turner Classic Movies presents “Whistle If You Can”, a 1950’s film in which a businessman (Alec Baldwin) gets his kicks by pressuring a hooker (Jenny Slate) to open up about her past.
Bedelia…..Nasim Pedrad Dad…..Alec Baldwin Girl 1…..Jenny Slate Girl 2…..Abby Elliott Boy 1…..Bobby Moynihan Boy 2…..Andy Samberg Boy 3…..Bill Hader
[ open on suburban backyard during outdoor cookout ]
[ Bedelia approaches her Dad at the grill ]
Bedelia: Hey, Dad!
Dad: Belinda, what are you doing over here?
Bedelia: [ chipper ] Mom’s putzing around the kitchen. She wanted some elbow room, so I figured I’d take a shift on the grill!
Dad: Honey, it’s your birthday! I’ll handle the grilling!
Bedelia: Cool! I’ll be your wingman! Nothing I’d rather do than flip some dogs with my homey!
Dad: Bedelia, these kids are all here for your birthday party. Go have fun!
Bedelia: Hey, Goofball, I AM having fun! [ she laughs awkwardly ]
Dad: No, I mean like normal teenager fun. [ pointing ] Look, your buddies are over there — go and say “Hi.”
Bedelia: Okay! Roger that!
[ Bedelia approaches two girls standing off to the side ]
Bedelia: Hi, guys!
Girl 1: [ ignoring Bedelia as she consults her cellphone’s text-messaging ] So he just said he got his permit, so… we’re still together.
Bedelia: Dudes! I was just on Grill Duty with my Dad! He’s so solid! He’s like… all cajones!
Girl 2: Why would you want to hang out with your Dad?
Bedelia: [ stunned ] Alright. Let’s go there! He knws his way around the woodshop, he calls me out on my B.S., he recommends great restaurants. I mean, look at him: The guy’s epic!
[ over at the grill, Dad burns his finger on the rack ]
Bedelia: You know the book, 1776? He’s read it! Anyway, don’t be shy! Swing by and razz him about his man-apron! [ she laughs ] He’ll love that!
[ Bedelia returns to her Dad at the grill ]
Bedelia: Hey, Tough Guy!
Dad: Hi, Sweetie.
[ Dad looks up, as Bedelia psyches a menacing stance ]
Bedelia: Psyche! We’re good. [ she makes him bump fists with her ] Hey, you wanna go listen to some Santana B-sides on vinyl?
Dad: Bedelia, your friends are getting ready to get into the pool. Don’t you think that they want you to join them?
Bedelia: For sure! Hey! [ Dad looks up ] Show me where I got that dimple! [ Dad grins sheepishly ] Yeah, you did!
[ Dad tends to the grill, as Bedelia stands by awkwardly ]
Bedelia: Heard Mom doesn’t want any more kids. You getting snipped?
Bedelia: [ snickering ] That’s gotta chap your ass, huh, Dad!
Dad: Honey, look — you know your mother and I love spending time with you —
Bedelia: Yeah, you should! We have great chemistry!
Dad: We do. But you need to spend time — MORE time — with people in your own peer group. And this birthday party is a great opportunity to do that. Now, march over to those goofy-looking boys over there, and go talk to them.
Bedelia: Okay! Later, gator!
[ Bedelia approaches the two boys standing off to the side ]
Boy 1: You can’t cup a fart in a plastic cup!
Boy 2: I’m telling you, I did it!
Bedelia: Hey, guys! Enjoying my Dad’s lawn? [ she giggles ] He puts the hours in!
Boy 1: Hey, Bedelia.
Boy 2: How old did you turn, anyway?
Bedelia: Me? I’m fourteen. My Dad? He’s timeless! You guys check out his hairline? It’s not going anywhere!
Boy 2: Uhh…
Bedelia: He keeps it fit, too! He’s on a regimen, kind of a modified South Beach. He’s already trimmed off a few L.B.’s, and I can only imagine it’s carried off into the bedroom!
Boy 2: Eeuuugghh!! Are you talking about your parents having sex?!
Bedelia: Hey! Our parents don’t have sex, we’re not here! Am I right?
Boy 1: Yeah, but still —
Bedelia: Guys! Let’s be mature about this! The flame of passion isn’t just a lighter you flick on and off! It’s a delicate fire that has to be fed and fanned! [ the guys look at her, disgusted ] BYE!!
[ Bedelia returns to her Dad at the grill ]
Bedelia: What’s up, Del Sackies!
Bedelia: Seriously, Dad — you ARE the most interesting man in the world! Own it! [ she laughs ] Have I ever told you I think I got your legs?
Dad: Bedelia —
Bedelia: What’s up?
Dad: Alright, listen to me: Sweetie, you are a very interesting and unique young woman. I’d go so far as to say that you are incredibly cool.
Bedelia: [ pointing ] Apple… tree, Dad.
Dad: No! Stop! Look: What you need to do is spend time with people your own age. Teenagers don’t hang out with their parents! You want to know why? Because parents are DORKS!
Bedelia: What are you trying to say?
Dad: Honey! Look at me! [ he acknowledges his full dress ] Look at my shorts!
Soccer Coach…..Will Forte Teacher…..Kristen Wiig Coach Rooney…..Alec Baldwin Mike Santoro….Bill Hader Rachel Morris….Jenny Slate Julie Duvenr….Abby Elliott Bradley Cuffling….Andy Samberg John Wentworth….Bobby Moynihan Luke Summers….Fred Armisen Pete O’Connel….Jason Sudeikis Paul Williams….Kenan Thompson Marigold Jennings….Nasim Pedrad
[Opens with a shot of a building at night. Cut to the inside. A sign announces Hudson Valley High School Sports Awards. 7:00pm.]
[Cut to a proud as hell coach in mid-speech]
Soccer Coach: …and when we hoisted that trophy over our heads, I knew this was the greatest soccer team that I have ever coached. You’re warriors, you’re champions. And I love you guys. [pumps fist up]
[Coach leaves, teacher goes to the podium]
Teacher: Hudson Valley Soccer State Champions yet again. Now we turn our attention to the swim team. I don’t think they won a single race this year. But on the plus side, nobody died. [embarrassing applause] Ok, so let’s welcome our most unique coach. Coach Rooney.
[applause, teacher sits, Rooney is up to the podium]
[Coach Rooney has longish blond hair, he’s in a bad mood and talks with a sort of Aussie accent]
Coach Rooney: All right. Let’s get this nightmare over with. I’m trying to keep my remarks brief. Considering I’m suppose to say nice things, it shouldn’t be a problem. Let’s start with the participation awards, AKA the losers. Mike Santoro, get up here. [gives trophy to Mike] Now get the hell away from me. [Mike leaves fast]
Rachel Morris. This kid couldn’t float in outer space. [gives her the trophy] She swallowed more water than the filter. [Rachel leaves embarrassed]
Julie Duvner? I call this kid the instant drowning victim, just add water. [gives her the trophy, she leaves with sad look]
Bradley Cuffling? Oh, my God! I actually encouraged him to pee in the pool, in hopes it would help propel him forward. [gives Bradley his trophy, Bradley embarrassed] But despite doing number one in the pool, he still swam like number two. [Bradley leaves]
Then we got John “Titanic” Wentworth. [overweight kid] He swam with his t-shirt on. That really struck fear in thehearts of our competitors. [gives the trophy, kid leaves pouting]
Luke Summers. [nerdy kid] The kid has two things in common with Greg Louganis: He hit his head on the diving board, and I’ll let you figure out the second thing. [Luke leaves with his trophy all ashamed]
Oh, and I almost forgot, Pete O’Connel. [Pete steps up, gets the trophy] Congratulations, Pete.[angry whisper] I hate you.
Pete O’Connel: Not as much as I hate you.
Coach Rooney: No, I hate you more, Pete. I promise you, I hate you more. Go. [Pete leaves]
All right, now it’s time for the most improved award. That goes to: My hatred for this children. [holds trophy up] Actually had that written on the plaque. [puts trophy down]
I also had to give the perfect attendance award, ironically, to Paul Williams. [black kid steps up] He didn’t come to a single practice. Until tonight, I didn’t even know he was black. Good work, buddy. [bumps fists with Paul]
Paul Williams: Ha, thanks Coach. [leaves]
Coach Rooney: Ok, I’m having an affair with the mother of this next kid. She’s the light of my life. Not the kid, the mom. The kid is a trainwreck. And to her father, I just would like to say: [into the audience] No, no, you just shut up, Jerry!! You just sit down! You’re a coward! You never appreciated her! Ok, Marigold Jennings come up here now. [Marigold shocked, embarrassed face steps up] You get the, uh, I don’t know. The spirit award, some b.s. [gives her trophy, she leaves] Just stay the hell out of your mom’s room.
And of course, there’s the MVP award. I can’t put enough sarcastic quotations marks around those three letters! [makes crazy quotation marks] You know, I never thought I’d pray for a kid to die until I met — until I met this next vulture. Hey, Wally! You want your award? [throws trophy to the side of the room] Go and fetch it, ok?! That’s all I got for you animals! There’s a surprise waiting for you in the parking lot. I just slashed all your tires. Have a great summer!
[Makes obscene gestures, slaps his ass to the crowd, he is hit with plastic cups]
[cheers and applause]
Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! I’m so happy to be here hosting the season finale of “Saturday Night Live”. I am proud to say that this is my fifteenth time hosting — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Putting me 14 shows ahead of Ms. Betty White.
Now that I’ve hit the 15-mark, I tie Steve Martin for most tmes hosting this show. Some people think that Steve and I have some sort of rivalry, and that’s… ridiculous. We just hosted the Oscars together, and we’re good friends. In fact, Steve agreed to be here tonight, via satellite. Steve Martin, everybody!
[ Alec claps, as a TV is wheeled out, with Steve Martin on-screen ]
Steve Martin: Hello, everyone! I’d like to thank all my friends at Facebook Mexico, for demanding that I appear in this “Saturday Night Live” monologue. You know, when I first started —
[ Alec holds up a remote control and clicks the TV off, smiling ]
Alec Baldwin: Oh, no! Must be satellite trouble! I wish we could have heard more from Steve.
[ suddenly, the TV clicks right back on, with Steve pointing a remote control toward the screen ]
Steve Martin: Ah! Found the remote! [ continuing ] And I’d like to congratulate you, Alec —
[ Alec rolls the TV off-camera ]
Alec Baldwin: Being here is always an honor. But, earlier this week, I had another exciting honor: Giving the commencement address for New York University at Yankee Stadium. Do we have a photo?
[ cut to a photograph of Yankee Stadium ]
Uh, I was hoping for a photo of me giving the speech. Anyway — it was a thrill. I received an honorary doctorate in Fine Arts, so, from now on, I would like you all to call me… Dr. Alec Baldwin, OB-GYN.
You know, NYU is my alma mater, but, in a sense, so is SNL. So I’d like to deliver… the SNL Commencement Address:
“Distinuished guests… audience members… to all of you watching at home tonight or, more realistically, Monday orning on a computer… We’ve come to the end of another season of “Saturday Night Live”. But we did not get to this point alone. I think we should take a moment to thank our families for all the have done for us. Family — [ the audience cheers ] Family should always come first. Your relatives should be valued above all others. Here, in this order: My brother, Billy, first… and then my brother Daniel and Stephen kind of jockeying back and forth for second position. I’ll wrap things up; I’m not one of those people who loves to hear the sound of his voice. I don’t have to, because so many other people love the sound of my voice. It’s an incredible voice. But I want to share a piece of advice: Follow your dreams. They can take you to some amazing places. You know, 20 years ago there was a young movie star living in Hollywood, but he wanted more. So he worked and he worke,d and he dreamed and he dreamed. Yes, he had his share of setbacks, including a difficult public divorce from a beautiful, complicated actress… but he never lost hope, and his dream came true. Because today that movie star’s on a sitcom, and he’s happy. Happier than he’s ever been. How do I know? Because, ladies and gentlemen, that man… is Charlie Sheen.
We have a great show tonight! Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here!
Tony Hayward…..Bill Hader Steve Newman…..Fred Armisen Tim Probert…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: And now, a message from the people who ruined our ocean.
[ dissolve to press conference set-up ]
Tony Hayward: Good evening. I’m Tony Hayward, from British Petroleum.
Steven Newman: I’m Steven Newman, from Transocean.
Tim Probert: And I’m Tim Probert, from Halliburton! [ he grins laciviously ] We’re ba-a-a-ack!
Tony Hayward: You probably heard we’ve made several attempts to contain the spill. An early plan was called the Top Hat. That’s where we try to cover the leak with a large containment tank.
Steven Newman: [ matter-of-factly ] This plan did not work.
Tony Hayward: Then we tried something involving a giant tube. This plan was dear to my heart because it was a suggestion of my five-year-old daughter.
Tim Probert: It was a total failure!
Tony Hayward: We’ve also announced a new plan called… The Junk Shot. That’s where we shoot a pile of garbage AT the leak, and try to plug it up.
Steven Newman: Now, that one hasn’t failed yet… but we’re confident it will.
Tony Hayward: Those are the only plans we’ve announced so far, but, tonight, we’ve come together to assure you we have MANY other ideas. Ideas formulated by our top scientists, using state-of-the-art technology. The first plan is called… Dolphins With Mops.
Steven Newman: That’s where we round up a bunch of dolphins and Scotch-tape mops to their fins.
Tim Probert: It may not work, but, rest-assured, Halliburton WILL make a profit! [ he clenches his fist ]
Tony Hayward: Our next plan is called… The Schweppes Offensive. That’s where we fight the oil spill head-on with a bunch of club soda.
Tim Probert: Mmm-hmm. Club soda gets EVERYTHING out.
Steven Newman: Now… you might ask, “How could that possibly work?” [ he leaves it at that ]
Tony Hayward: Another idea we have is… The Oil Whisperer.
Steven Newman: Uh… we would hire someone like the Dog Whisperer, but… for oil.
Tim Probert: Mmm-hmm. And, he would go up to the oil and say, “Bad oil! Stop it!”
Tony Hayward: [ quieting him down ] And… there are many more. Like… Aquaman. Blame The French. Duct Tape. And, our personal favorite… The Back-Up Plan. That’s where we blow this whole oil mess off and go see J-Lo’s new romantic comedy, “The Back-Up Plan”! It might not help, but I think we could all use the laughs!
[ they all giggle coquettishly ]
Tim Probert: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…
Tony Hayward: No matter what happens, we just want to assure the American people that we WILL stop this leak, we WILL clean up this mess, and we WILL get back to do what we do best: Robbing you blind at the gas pump! And, finally, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Sally Field: Hi, I’m Sally Field. I want to talk to you about a problem that lots of women face: Bone Loss. Even if you don’t have it now, no matter what age you are, ALL women are inherently weak and very fragile!
[ Sally stands next to a skeleton ]
Sally Field: You get this ONE body! And this ONE life! You have to take care of this now.
[ she rests her hand on the skeleton’s shoulder, causing it to collapse and shatter at her feet ]
Sally Field: Are ya’ bummed yet? That’s why there’s Preniva. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with you to take Preniva. You just have to be scared — which you should be.
Preniva makes sure you’ll be able to keep doing your favorite, everyday, low-impact activities. Like doing yoga! Spritzing your plant! Fanning out your magazines! Swallowing pills for other things your doctor scared you with! And having bangs! [ she smiles at her demonstration ]
Preniva won’t solve all your problems — you’ll always be a woman.
[ cut to Sally seated next to a stacked Jenga tower ]
Sally Field: This is the average woman’s spine. And this is your spine without Preniva: [ she pulls a peg from the bottom, causing the tower to topple ] I’m not fucking around, you guys!
[ cut to product logo ]
Announcer: Preniva. Your weakness is our strength.
[Fade in to a messy kitchen with garbage all over the place. Music begins to play. A man named Dennis pops up from behind the character with white stuff under his nose. It is clear he is on drugs.]
Dennis: [singing] I don’t know why, but today seems like it’s going to be a great day. There’s something in the air that makes me feel like things are gonna go my way. [Animated birds appear.] The birds are chirping “tweetle-dee-dee,” the sun is shining bright. There’s a skip in my step, pep in my pep – [he clears his nose] – and I don’t know why!
[The mailman appears.]
Dennis: Hey there, mailman friend. Any letters from my ex-wife or the kids?
Dennis: Fantastic news. Ha ha hahahaha ha! [Dennis continues to laugh frantically and throws all of the mail the mailman was carrying onto the ground.]
[Dennis moves to the street.]
Dennis: [singing] Wonderful day, makes me feel so happy that my face is numb. [People join Dennis in the street.] My heart is racing along ba-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum-pum. So many places and people to meet now that I’ve lost my job. They say “young man, the world’s your oyster” –
[Two of the people in the street touches Dennis on the shoulder and he begins to flip.]
Dennis: Hey, hey get the [bleep] off me! No! [bleep] no! Just give me a minute.
[Dennis crouches off camera to take more drugs, and he can be heard snorting. He reappears with more white stuff under his nose and begins singing at a much more rapid pace.]
Dennis: [singing] I don’t know why, but today seems like it’s gonna be a great day. La la la, blah blah blah blah, I should spend more time with my kids. It’s carpe diem, gotta seize the day, gonna move to Spain and run with the bulls, and my wife and boss and kids and parents will say “we were wrong about you, Dennis.”
Dennis’s Friend: Hey, Dennis?
Dennis: That’s my name.
Dennis’s Friend: Are you really gonna run with the bulls?
Dennis: Why would I do that?
Dennis’s Friend: ‘Cause you said you were gonna.
Dennis: Come on, man, that was like three days ago! [He suddenly becomes demonic, with red eyes and a deep voice.] OR WAS IT?
[Dennis goes back to singing at his rapid pace.]
Dennis: [singing] Today makes me feel fine and fancy free. Much of the ocean is still unexplored, how did I get up in this tree? Now I’m over here, now I’m over there, now I’m under this dude, now I’m back in the tree, now I’m hanging out backstage with my very best friends Alec Baldwin and Tom Petty.
Alec Baldwin: Get the [bleep] out of here.
Tom Petty: Now.
[The music becomes sad as Dennis is now dressed up nice holding a single rose.]
Dennis: [singing] Why would they dis me? I thought they were my homies! [He sniffs the rose aggressively.]
[Cut back to the street where Dennis is singing and marching with a bunch of people.]
Dennis: [singing] Any problem is solvable, we can feed the hungry and cure disease, but all of that would be a huge of waste of time ’cause we live in “The Matrix.” [The theme music from “The Matrix” begins to play as everyone pretends to dodge bullets the way they did in the movie.]
[Cut to Dennis’s view of two people pushing a stroller. He sees them like they’re in “The Matrix” with green code representing their forms.]
[Cut back to reality where Dennis is in the street alone making sound effects and doing the bullet-dodging maneuvers.]
Woman: What is wrong with him?
Man: He’s on drugs.
[Dennis throws up in the middle of the street.]