SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Whistle If You Can

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 22

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Whistle If You Can

Ben Mankiewicz…..Bill Hader
Businessman…..Alec Baldwin
Prostitute…..Jenny Slate

[ open on animated TCM logo ] [ dissolve to Ben Mankiewicz ]

Ben Mankiewicz: Welcome back to Turner Classic Movies. I’m Ben Mankiewicz. We’re in the middle of the 1952 drama, “Whistle If You Can”, starring Preston Wbb as a wealthly businessman, and Merna Fontaine as a hooker with a heart of gold. Let’s watch.

[ dissolve to Las Vegas exterior ] [ dissolve to interior, hotel room ]

Prostitute: Ooh, this is some place! You must be some kind of a bigshot!

Businessman: Nice, huh?

Prostitute: Never been in this hotel before. So, tell me, Mr. Businessman… [ she sits on the edge of the bed ] What’s your pleasure?

Businessman: Whoa! Slow down.

Prostitute: Slow down? [ she chuckles ] Candy’s just getting started!

Businessman: No. Stop. Look, I just want to talk.

Prostitute: Talk?

Businessman: Yeah. I just want to get to know you as a person.

Prostitute: It’s your time.

Businessman: Tell me: What did you want to be before you started “turning tricks”?

Prostitute: Oh, what is this?! 20 Questions?

Businessman: No, really. I want to know.

Prostitute: I don’t know! [ she sighs ] It’s silly, but I… I guess I, kinda, always wanted to be a dental hygeinist.

Businessman: I don’t think that’s silly. What’s your name?

Prostitute: I told you it’s Candy.

Businessman: No, no. Your real name. The one your mother gave you.

Prostitute: My mother?

Businessman: Does she even know you’re doing this?

Prostitute: My mother? She lives in Nebraska, I… I haven’t spoken to her in years.

Businessman: Maybe you should call her.

Prostitute: Maybe she doesn’t want to hear from me.

Businessman: Funny thing about mothers: They always answer the phone. [ he hands the phone to her ]

Prostitute: [ she dials ] Mama! It’s me! Yeah… yeah, I miss you, too. No, I’m okay. Yeah, Mama. I’ll be home for Christmas. [ she laughs, then cradles the phone ] Well, whaddaya know, I… I guess she still loves me!

Businessman: Of course, she does.

Prostitute: Thanks. Oh, and Mister? It’s Gertrude. My name, that is.

Businessman: Gertrude. That’s a very nice name.

Prostitute: Thank you.

Businessman: Gertrude… give me a hand job.

Prostitute: [ flustered ] What?!

Businessman: Give me a hand job, Gertrude!

Prostitute: I don’t understand! I thought you said you wanted to talk?!

Businessman: Well, yeah — that’s what turns me on. First, I get a prostitute to… talk about her life, then I make her call her mom while I watch, then I get your real name, and then… HANDY!

Prostitute: Yeah. Well, that is SICK!

Businessman: Well, to quote you, a hooker: It’s my dime.

Prostitute: Okay, fine. But I want the ten bucks up front!

Businessman: I’m only gonna pay you $7.50.

Prostitute: Well, what gives?!

Businessman: That call was a long-distance call.

Prostitute: Sooooome big shot!

Businessman: [ pointing toward his crotch ] Let’s go.

[ “THE END” appears on-screen, as the theme flourishes ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday I: 09/17/09

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Bonus Episode 1

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

September 17th, 2009






Joint Address To CongressSummary: Members of the Republican Party plan to collectively shout “You lie!” during President Obama’s speech, until they chicken out. The only problem is, they forget to remind Joe Wilson (Will Forte) upon his return from the bathroom.



Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Democratic political consultant James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on the anti-Obama Conservative Tea Party protestors. Madonna (Kristen Wiig) discusses the life of the recently-deceased world’s oldest woman. Former President Jimmy Carter (Darrell Hammond) and Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele (Kenan Thompson) debate the matter of Joe Wilson’s potentially racist “You lie!” outburst. Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” when Kanye West and other celebrities make bad decisions over the summer.

Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers, Daryl Hall, John Oates.


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 1: 09/17/09: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 1

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
James Carville…..Bill Hader
Madonna…..Kristen Wiig
Jimmy Carter…..Darrell Hammond
Michael Steele…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler!

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: Hello, and welcome to “Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday”!

Seth Meyers: In a speech released Sunday by Osama bin Laden, he accuses President Obasma of being a “powerless shadow of George W. Bush.” Though, calling someone powerless comes off better when you’re not saying it into a tape recorder from a cave.

In his upcoming memoirs, Matt Latimer, a former speechwriter for George W. Bush, said that the former presidentharshly criticized almost every politician in Washington, including Barack Obama, who he said “has no clue, I promise you.” Bush then punctuated the remark by getting his foot stuck in a bucket.

Amy Poehler: After his release from prison this week, Muntader al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush, said that he had been tortured while in jail. Though mostly by other prisoners who kept asking him if he was “gellin’.”

[ the camera cuts to Seth, who smiles ]

Amy Poehler V/O: In an interview with Oprah Winfrey —

Seth Meyers: Hold on one second, Amy. We’re having a bit of, uh, “Weekend Update” live technical issues.

Amy Poehler: [ impressed ] Ooh!

Seth Meyers: Yeah! It’s pretty exciting!

Amy Poehler: This is exciting!

Seth Meyers: Isn’t it exciting?

Amy Poehler: What’s happening!

Seth Meyers: Live TV.

Amy Poehler: So, Seth, you’re telling me this is really live?

Seth Meyers: This is live right now!

Amy Poehler: So what we’re doing right now, we didn’t rehearse?

Seth Meyers: Perfect, here we go!

Amy Poehler: Look — we couldn’t have rehearsed that!

Seth Meyers: Right!

Amy Poehler: [ impressed ] Here we go! Okay! Oooh, that was good!

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Whitney Houston called her ex-husband, Bobby Brown, her drug. Also Whitney Houston’s drug: drugs.

Seth Meyers: Last week, thousands of protesters from the Conservative Tea Party Movement ocnverged on Washington, voicing their concerns about Obama’s health care plan and increased government spending. Here to comment, is Democratic political consultant James Carville.

James Carville: [ he screams ] Thank you, Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: So, uh, James — what do you think of these protesters?

James Carville: [ he shakes his shoulders and laughs with a hiss ] Oh, did you see these people protesting out there? Grown men dressed as Jokers and gobonis and Hitlers! These people are first-class crazy, and I should know, Seth, because I-I-I’m as crazy as they come! [ he laughs ] I mean, look at me: I see this in the mirror every morning, and I think, “Yep! THat’s good-looking!” I mean, come on! I look like a Skeletor!

Seth Meyers: Well, surely, they’re not all crazy. I mean, what do you make of the argument that they’re moderate conservatives?

James Carville: No, no, Seth, there’s no moderates in the Tea Party. They only seem moderate ’cause they’re surrounded by the super-crazies. It’s like when a midget stands next to a Smart Car: You ain’t tall, midget! You just CLEVER! [ he skaes his shoulders and laughs ]

Seth Meyers: Alright, um — when exactly do little people stand next to Smart Cars?

James Carville: Aw, you come on down to Louisiana — you’ll get an eyeful of clever little people!

Seth Meyers: So, how do you think the White House should respond to these demonstrators?

James Carville: IGNORE ‘EM!!! I mean, when a crazy drifter comes up to you on the street, and says, “Hey, Snakeface! You the DEVIL!!” Yuo don’t stop and engage with ’em! You just keep walking. I mean, I don’t know why we entertain these backwater, uh, knockaloofs. I mean, in the middle of a school assembly, no one’s sayin’, “Hey, hey! Let’s hear from the creepy janitor who fought in Vietnam! I bet he has a good suggestion for prom themes!” [ he shakes his shoulders and laughs ] You get it? You don’t get near him, Seth, ’cause you’re going to a NIGHTMARE PROM!!

Seth Meyers: Okay, I get it. So your advice is to ignore the protesters out on the street.

James Carville: Yeah!

Seth Meyers: But what do you do with elected officials like Joe Wilson? Were you pleased that Congress voted to rebuke him?

James Carville: Seth — no. Rebuke? Give me a break. You gotta handle things old school. I mean, you break into Joe Wilson’s house in the middle of the night. Okay? You can throw a garbage bag over his head, and you drag him to some mansion in the woods, okay? Where there’s a circle of “Eyes Wide Shut” fellas in tuxedos, and they wear weird venetian masks with the big noses — BEAK MASKS!! And you rip the bag off, and you just STARE at him until he cries! Next morning, he wakes up, he doesn’t know: “W-w-was that a dream? What was that?” Well, what you do is, you leave a little mask on his pillow! Like: “Uh-oh!!” That would have been real!

Seth Meyers: Well, uh — that — that sounds really illegal.

[ Carville cracks up with laughter ]

James Carville: Illegal! You a cute kid, Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: James Carville, everyone! We’ll be back with more “Weekend Update”, after this commercial break!

[ fade to commercial, then return to the news desk ]

Seth Meyers: Welcome back!

Amy Poehler: Whoo!

While China is threatening to cut imports of American chickens, trade experts feel this may be an empty threat because chicken feet are very popular to the Chinese. Ah, China! Foiled again by the weird stuff you’re into!

Caster Semenya, the champion South African runner whose gender has been called into question, withdrew from a cross-country race this past weekend, citing an unspecified injury. No word on what the injury is, though it’s rumored she’s suffering from an enlarged penis.

Getrude Baines, the world’s oldest person, died this week at the age of 115. “Booyah!” screamed 114-year old Josephine Miller.

Here to talk about the life of Gertrude Baines, is her old friend, Madonna.

[ Madonna steps forward, very solemn ]

Madonna: Seth. Amy. Fans. Before I begin, please note, due to the importance of this speech, and the various things going on with my face, I will be blinking slowly… and dramatically. [ she does so, then begins ]

Gertrude Baines was born in August. So was I. She had eight brothers and sisters. So did I. She grew up in the Midwest. So did I.

Amy Poehler: [ consulting her notes ] Oh, really? Because it says here that she was born in Georgia, actually.

[ Madonna holds her composure ]

Madonna: She was a proud, Black woman. So am I.

Seth Meyers: What?

Madonna: Please don’t interrupt me, Seth, while I’m honoring this great, great woman — and, also, Gertrude Baines.

[ Madonna continues ]

Madonna: She never missed an episode of “The Price Is Right”. Neither did I. She had an out-of-wedlock child with a Puerto Rican pilates instructor. So did I. She was the oldest woman that ever lived, and, at 115 years old, she died. So did I.

[ Seth and Amy stare intently at Madonna ]

Seth Meyers: Is she okay?

Madonna: In the early 90’s, she appeared nude with Vanilla Ice in a metal book about sex. So did I. She proudly boned Dennis Rodman in a jacuzzi shaped as a clam shell. So did I.

Amy Poehler: What?! I don’t think that’s about Gertrude Baines!

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I-I don’t think you know Gertrude Baines.

Madonna: She was a QUEEN! Long live the Queen! [ she holds out her arms, then points to herself as she walks away ]

Amy Poehler: Madonna, everybody.

Seth Meyers: The creators of the Body World Exhibition are planning a new show dedicated solely to dead bodies having sex. It’s called Marriage.

On Tuesday, former President Jimmy Carter said that Joe Wilson’s “You lie!” remark was motivated by racism. This was immediately condemned by many, including Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele. Here to debate the matter are Jimmy Carter and Michael Steele.

Jimmy Carter: [ smiling widely ] Thank you, Seth. It’s a great pleasure to be here.

Michael Steele: [ coolly ] What’s up, Seth! Republicans, can I get a what-what! [ he raises the roof ]

Seth Meyers: Okay, now, uh, President Carter, even the Obama White House said that racism was not behind Wilson’s comments. Can you back off what you said?

Jimmy Carter: Well… I don’t back off. The anger out there at Obama is not rational. People do not hate him based on the job he’s doing as President. Believe me, I know what it’s like to be hated based on the job you’re doing as President!

Michael Steele: Well, look — I vote for Republican, as evidenced by my title. And a Black man, as evidenced by my natural use of urban slang. HOLLA!! This is not a race issue! This is about out-of-control government spending. Jimmy Carter? You better check yo’self… before you subsequently… wreck yo’self!

Jimmy Carter: [ unnerved ] This has EVERYTHING to do with race, Mr. Steele. I’m from the South, just up the road where Joe Wilson is from. Let me tell you: every single southern person… is a racist! [ Steele is shocked ] Except for one: ME! Try as I might, I still do not understand the appeal of Mr. Tyler Perry. [ Stelle grants him that ] I don’t.

Michael Steele: Well, I don’t think race has anything to do with it. This is part of a broad movement by thousands of Americans — old and young — white and black — gathering together to say: “Enough is enough!” Did you see the Tea Party protesters this past weekend? It was off da hook!

Jimmy Carter: I did. And I don’t think there was one African-American there. I saw more black people at an 11 a.m. screening of “Julie & Julia”.

Michael Steele: Awww! This rally was as diverse as it GETS! Let me prove it to you. Uh, let me get a picture of the protesters, please.

[ an image comes up ]

Michael Steele: You want to see an African-American? There’s one, riiiiiiiiight there!

[ a circle goes around a Black police officer ]

Jimmy Carter: I think that’s a police officer.

Michael Steele: “Oh no, you didn’t!” Is something I’ve heard people say… and I think it applies here. Let me show you some more.

[ another image comes up ]

Michael Steele: There’s one…. riiiight there!

[ a circle goes around an Obama mask ]

Jimmy Carter: That’s a man in an Obama mask!

Michael Steele: Mr. President, I can’t believe someone who has so much power with the Democratic Party is playing the race card!

Well, you’re wrong again. You see, I have no power with the Democratic Party! [ he smiles wider ] They don’t return my calls. Some of them don’t even know who I am! I just found out they recently had a party for all living Democratic president. [ a beat ] I was not invited.

Michael Steele: I believe the terminology you’re looking for is: You got served!

Jimmy Carter: [ glumly ] I got served.

Seth Meyers: [ he chuckles ] Jimmy Carter and Michael Steele, everyone! We’ll be right back, everybody!

Amy Poehler: Right after these commercials!

[ fade to commercial, then return to the news desk ]

Amy Poehler: Hello, everyone! And welcome back!

Seth Meyers: Welcome back!

The makers of the Snuggie, the blanket with sleeves, staged a runway show, Tuesday, during New York’s Fashion Week, marking the first time anyone’s ever walked somewhere in a Snuggue that wasn’t to a refrigerator or a toilet.

The story of the M-TV Video Music Awards this week was Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video, which brings us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! With Seth & Amy”.

[ show graphic ]

Really, Kanye West? You interrupted somebody again? Really!?!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: You know, it was interesting when you spoke out about President Bush and Hurricane Katrina — less so when you’re standing up for Beyonce and the “Single Ladies” video. Really!

Amy Poehler: Really! And, also — VMA’s: Really! Who does your seating chart? We ALL know that Kanye loves to interrupt people — you CAN’T sit him next to the stage!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: You have to put him in the back row, between a couple of seat-fillers!

Seth Meyers: You do!

Amy Poehler: And, listen, Security: if you see a guy drinking Hennessey with Joe Jackson, maybe keep an eye on him. It’s not exactly the calling card of a guy who’s about to make a ton of really smart moves.

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And, really, Kanye, it’s JUST a Video Music Award. They don’t really matter. So, just to give you a word of advice: If you ever see an old lady holding a “World’s Greatest Grandma” mug, and you think you know a better grandma… don’t slap it out of her hand! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And I mean, really! This cannot happen again. So, from now on, here’s the plan: When you go to an awards show, tie a bell to yourself, and then, if at any point in the night you hear a bell, feeze, and then go in the other direction! Really!

Amy Poehler: Really! But you know who else is rude? I mean, really! Joe Wilson.

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Hey, Joe! Yelling “You lie!” would be rude to a valet or a waiter, so, maybe don’t yell it at the President!

Seth Meyers: Really! And, also, next time, can I suggest “You’re a liar!”? “You lie!” sounds like a toddler or someone who just learned English! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: And if you’re allowed to boo, you can use the word “Boo!” to show disapproval: “Booooo, you’re wrong!” Or you can use it to show approval: “Great speech, boo!”

Seth Meyers: Oh. Great point, Boo!

Amy Poehler: Thanks, Boo!

Seth Meyers: And, Serena Williams, really! Take it DOWN a notch when you get mad at that line judge. You didn’t HAVE to say anything! Just moments earlier, you threw your raquet down so hard it bent in half! After you do something that pwoerful, you can let a person know you want to kill them with a look! When you did this: [ Amy makes her Serena face ] people knew you were angry!

Amy Poehler: So, guys, if you’re gonna go after people, maybe pick better targets!

Seth Meyers: Yeah!

Amy Poehler: No one is impressed when you take your stance against 19-year old girls, tiny Asian ladies, or the first black president!

Seth Meyers: Really! Who are you gonna go after next? Koalas?

Amy Poehler: Baby koalas?

Seth Meyers: I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Rude! Really!

[ show graphic ]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! With Seth & Amy”.

Seth Meyers: We’ll be right back with more “Update”, after these commercial breaks! Stick around!

[ fade to commercial, then return to the news desk with the cast surrounding Seth and Amy ]

Seth Meyers: See you back here, LIVE, next week with another “Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday”!

Amy Poehler: Hey, thanks, you guys! And stay tuned for the season premiere of “Parks and Recreation”, coming up!

[ roll credits ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 1: 09/17/09: Joint Address To Congress

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 1

Joint Address To Congress

Mitch McConnell…..Jason Sudeikis
Eric Cantor…..Fred Armisen
Pat Roberts…..Bill Hader
Michele Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Joe Wilson…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Congress, night ] [ SUPER: “Joint Address To Congress, September 9, 2009” ] [ SUPER: “Senate Meeting Room, Republican Caucus” ] [ dissolve to interior ]

Mitch McConnell: Okay, alright. Now, are we all here? Okay? Because Obama’s address starts in five minutes.

[ everyone nods in agreement ]

Eric Cantor: Are we really doing this?

Mitch McConnell: Yes! Yes, we are. Now, you see, the President has been glossing over the facts of his health care plan ALL summer. This live address is our chance to make our descent heard. Now, we have the text of the address right here, okay? [ he holds up a folder ] Now, if you look here, you’ll see… somewhere in the middle… oh, here it is! Okay. He is gonna say this: “The reforms I’m proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally.” Okay? Now, when he SAYS that — ALL of you — all at once — together — are gonna yell: “YOU LIE!!”

[ everyone nods in agreement ]

Okay, good. This is gonna be good! That’ll send a message to him. [ Sen. Roberts motions ] Uh, yes. Senator Roberts.

Pat Roberts: I’m just worried this might come off as a major breach of Congressional decorum.

Mitch McConnell: Mmm-hmm. Now, normally, I would agree. I mean, if only one guy yelled, “You lie!” I imagine they would call him out on it. But, all of us? [ he chuckles ] You know! Remember school? If we all do it, we can’t get in trouble? I mean, it’s been a long time for some of us, right! [ Bachmann raises her hand ] So — yes! Representative Bachmann.

Michele Bachmann: How about we yell… “You lie, you freedom-hating, secret half-Muslim!” [ she beams proudly ]

Mitch McConnell: You know… I think, just “You lie!” will send a message. Yeah. Alright, let’s practice! alright? Now, someone has to be Obama. Who here can do an Obama?

[ all eyes turn to Cantor ]

Eric Cantor: [ raising his hand ] I can.

[ the audience laughs in recognition ]

Mitch McConnell: Really? Okay, that’s great! Okay, uhhh — here you go, right there. [ he shows Cantor the speech ] Just read right there, there you go.

Eric Cantor: [ reading as Obama ] “Uhhh… uhhh… it would not apply… to those who are here illegally.”

Mitch McConnell: [ whispering ] 1… 2… 3…

Everyone: YOU LIIIIIEEE!!!

Mitch McConnell: Aw, that was terrific! [ they applaud themselves ] Good yelling! Real good yell! Yeah, that’ll do it!

Joe Wilson: Eh — excuse me?

Mitch McConnell: Uh, yeah. Congressman Joe Wilson.

Joe Wilson: Yeah. If there’s nothing else, I’m just gonna duck into the bathroom for a moment.

Mitch McConnell: Okay, we’ll see you on the floor!

Joe Wilson: See you on the floor. [ he exits ]

Mitch McConnell: Alright! There he goes! Okay, gang — we’ve got showtime!

Pat Roberts: Alright!

[ they all proceed to exit to the floor ]

Eric Cantor: Hold on, hold on! [ everyone stops ] I’m starting to have, uh, second thoughts about this.

Mitch McConnell: [ thinking ] You know what? You may be right. Let’s not do it. You know, all of a sudden, I’m realizing we could come off VERY badly! Okay? So we’re all in agreement? [ they all nod ] We’re NOT doing it! Nobody’s doing it! Nobody’s doing it! Everybody hear that? Nobody! Good? You’re gonna be quiet? Good listtle listeners? [ they all agree ] Good! Let’s get out there, come on!

[ they all exit to the floor ] [ dissolve to exterior, Congress ]

Joe Wilson V/O: YOU LIE!!

[ the sound of boos can be heard ] [ SUPER: “One Hour Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, as the Republicans re-enter ]

Joe Wilson: You guuuuys!! McConnell! Cantor! What the heck?! We were all gonna do it! And you didn’t do it!

Mitch McConnell: Oh, I know. Sorry about that, Joe, uh — we forgot you went to the bathroom.

Joe Wilson: You guys! That didn’t feel good out there! Now, be honest with me: Do you think a lot of people heard me yelling?

[ everyone tries not to give an honest, brutal answer ]

Joe Wilson: [ desperately ] I-I-I mean, a lot of it was drowned out, right? When people were booing Obama?

Pat Roberts: I think they might have been booing you, Joe!

Joe Wilson: Aww! Oh, God! This is gonna come off real bad! RE-EAL bad!

Mitch McConnell: Now, now — not necessarily, Joe. I mean, let’s think about this, alright? Now, where are you from?

Joe Wilson: South Carolina.

[ the room reacts ]

Pat Roberts: Yikes!

Mitch McConnell: Hey, hey. everybody! Now, calm down! Calm down! That is not the WORST answer, okay! Mississippi would have been the WORST answer! Alright? Mississippi. We all agree.

Joe Wilson: Ohhhhhh, HOT CORN!! People are gonna remember this thing! Now, I don’t know if you know this about me, but… I’m not known for any… other… thing!

Mitch McConnell: Okay, well, now, come on!

Joe Wilson: NOTHING!

Mitch McConnell: No! Joe! Joe, there’s gotta be some legislation you championed! I mean, SOME cause!

Joe Wilson: There was one.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah?

Pat Roberts: What was it?

Joe Wilson: [ meekly ] Protecting the Confederate flag.

Mitch McConnell: Oh, boy… That’s worse than Mississippi. That’s a bad one.

Joe Wilson: [ crying ] You guys! McConnell! Cantor! You’ll stand by me, right? I mean, you’ll explain how we were all gonna do it, except I went to the john? [ everyone tries to keep their distance ] I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS?!!

Mitch McConnell: Okay, look — you don’t worry. Okay? You do NOT worry! Here’s what you’re gonna do, alright? Now, you apologize once to the President, alright? And, if anyone asks you to do it again… you look ’em right in the face, and you say: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Betty White: 05/08/10: An SNL Digital Short

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 21

The Lonely Island - Awesome
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09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

An SNL Digital Short

…..Betty White
…..Andy Samberg
…..Fred Armisen
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Abby Elliott
…..Will Forte
…..Tina Fey
…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Bill Hader
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Molly Shannon
…..Jenny Slate
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Kristen Wiig


[ Andy escorts Betty to a single chair in an all-white colored studio. ]

Andy Samberg: Right this way…

Betty White: Where are we going?

Andy Samberg: Just have a seat right here.

Betty White: Okay.

[ Betty sits down. ]

Andy Samberg: Betty — you’ve given us so many memorable memories over the years. This one’s for you!

[ Andrew Gold’s THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND from “The Golden Girls” begins. ]

Maya Rudolph: [singing]
“Thank you for being a friend.”

Fred Armisen, Molly Shannon, Kristen Wiig: [singing]“Traveled down the road and back again.”

Nasim Pedrad: [singing]“Your heart is true.”

Tina Fey, Bobby Moynihan, Jason Sudeikis: [singing]“You’re a pal and a confidante.”

[ Betty chuckles in delight. ]

Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler: [singing]“And if you threw a party.”

Jenny Slate, Kenan Thompson: [singing]“And invited everyone you knew.”

Betty White: Oh! I love it!

Will Forte, Ana Gasteyer: [singing]“You would see the biggest gift would be from me.”

Abby Elliott, Bill Hader: [singing]“And the card attached would say…”

All: [singing]“Thank You for Being a Friend!”

Betty White: Oh, that was just lovely! But I think I prefer my version…

[ Betty dons a ski mask. She pops out of her chair with a microphone. ]

Betty White: 1, 2, 3, 4!!!

[ A hardcore, heavy metal version of THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND plays. Several biker boys are throwing down a mad mosh pit. Betty simulating humping on one of the bikers. The “SNL” cast is horrified and/or stunned. Betty smashes a 2 x 4 against one of the bikers, who spews blood on Nasim. Two of the bikers tackle Andy. Jason pulls out his iPhone to snap a photo. Everyone else seems to engage in a fist fight. An out-of-breath Betty pops a seat and removes her ski mask. ]

Betty White: Happy Mother’s Day, Motherfuckers!


Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday II: 09/24/09

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Bonus Episode 2

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

September 24th, 2009



Amy Poehler

Megan Fox


Obama InterviewsSummary: Determined to get his health care message out to as wide an audience as possible, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) endures brief interviews with various cable quasi-celebrities.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Stuart Scott, Keith Morrison.



Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: 911 call. Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen). Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) smugly shows off tapes made while he was in office. In the style of “Guiding Light”, Megan Fox demands Amy Poehler’s chair at gunpoint. College student Shep (Andy Samberg) provides tips for avoiding the Swine Flu.

Recurring Characters: Gov. David Paterson, Bill Clinton.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 21

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

May 15th, 2010

Alec Baldwin

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers


Steve Martin

Jorma Taccone

John Lutz

Jessi Klein

Paula Pell

Kent Sublette

Oil Spill Press ConferenceSummary: Representatives from British Petroleum (Bill Hader), Transocean (Fred Armisen), and Halliburton (Jason Sudeikis) offer lamebrained solutions for cleaning up the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.



Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Alec Baldwin delivers a commencement address for SNL’s 35th season.

Note: Alec Baldwin officially ties Steve Martin’s 15-episode hosting record.


An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Coked-up guy (Andy Samberg) paranoically sings about having a “Great Day”.


Arizona EveningsSummary: A dramatic scene between actors (Alec Baldwin, Andy Samberg) is ruined by new script supervisor, Starfish (Kristen Wiig), and her big teeth.

Swim Team AwardsSummary: Infuriated swim coach (Alec Baldwin) hands awards to all the swim team members he hates.


Bedelia’s Birthday CookoutSummary: Bedelia (Nasim Pedrad) would rather hang around her cool Dad (Alec Baldwin) than socialize with her peers at her own birthday party.

Recurring Characters: Bedelia.


PrenivaSummary: Sally Field (Abby Elliott) promotes the bone loss health solution for middle-aged women who are needlessly scared by their doctors.


Grady Wilson’s Intimate & InternationalSummary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques for seniors with the aid of randy Greek Kostos (Alec Baldwin).

Recurring Characters: Grady Wilson.

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “I Should Have Known It”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Orange-colored Snooki (Bobby Moynihan) promotes the second season of “Jersey Shore” and flirts with Seth Meyers. Stefon (Bill Hader) discusses more trendy vacation spots for families. Unprepared Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) sing more songs as though they were making them up on the spot.

Recurring Characters: Snooki, Stefon, Garth, Kat.

TimecrowaveSummary: Gram Lampton (Alec Baldwin) and Penny Schmeer (Kristen Wiig) show how you can save time, as long as you remember to send your lunch back from the future.


Whistle If You CanSummary: Turner Classic Movies presents “Whistle If You Can”, a 1950’s film in which a businessman (Alec Baldwin) gets his kicks by pressuring a hooker (Jenny Slate) to open up about her past.


SnipersSummary: Sniper (Alec Baldwin) orders his combat trainees (Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson) to “Taaay the shaaa!”


Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers perform “Jefferson Jericho Blues”


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

ScrotoxSummary: The injection that corrects sagging male skin.


Teen IdolSummary: A grown woman (Kristen Wiig) finally receives a visit from her favorite teen idol (Alec Baldwin), many years after the fact.

Sex and the CitySummary: Mr. Big (Alec Baldwin) isn’t allowed to have sex.

Finders KeepersSummary: A man (Will Forte) finds a car with his metal detector and doesn’t want to give it back to the rightful owner (Alec Baldwin).

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 2: 09/24/09: Obama Interviews

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 2

Obama Interviews

Aide…..Kristen Wiig
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Stuart Scott…..Kenan Thompson
Kathy Griffin…..Nasim Pedrad
Glenn Beck…..Jason Sudeikis
Kristen Cavallari…..Abby Elliott
Guy Fieri…..Bobby Moynihan
Teenage Vampire…..Andy Samberg
Keith Morrison…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Oval Office ] [ dissolve to interior ]

Aide: Mr. President, we’re ready for the interviews.

President Barack Obama: Okay. Ready to go. [ he sits ] Who’s up first?

Aide: Let’s see, um — [ she consults her list ] So, on Sunday we did NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, and Univision.

President Barack Obama: Uhhh — that’s right. I want to get the health care message out to as wide an audience as possible. I don’t want to shut anyone out of this debate.

Aide: How about FOX News?

President Barack Obama: Nope!

Aide: Uh — well, today we have some cable channels.

President Barack Obama: Great! Let’s do it.

Aide: Next up is ESPN.

[ cut to ESPN logo in front of Oval Office exterior ] [ dissolve to Stuart Scott ]

Stuart Scott: Boo-yah!! And, Mr. President, you are in the Coors’ Light hot seat!

President Barack Obama: Great.

Stuart Scott: Now, your health plan — would you say it’s strong like Shaq, or smooth like Kobe?

President Barack Obama: Uhh, I like to think it’s the best of both — like LeBron.

[ they bump fists ]

Stuart Scott: Holla out a player when he’s fixing health care! Mr. President, you’re off the Coor’s Light hot seat!

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Thank you. [ to ?? ] Uh, who’s next?

Aide: We have the Bravo Network.

[ cut to Bravo logo in front of Oval Office exterior ] [ dissolve to Kathy Griffin ]

Kathy Griffin: Uh — hi! Kathy Griffin here! Okay! Uhhhh — here… we… go! Will… there… be… health care… for gays?

President Barack Obama: Uhhh — I certainly hope so.

Kathy Griffin: Uh, okay! Uh, but can you not give it to three specific gays who I hate? Perez Hilton, my ex-stylist Julio, and Spencer Pratt. And, yes… he is!

President Barack Obama: Uhhh — well, Kathy, my bill would cover ALL Americans, even Spencer Pratt.

Kathy Griffin: Ugh! Get a room!

President Barack Obama: Uh, Carol? Who’s next?

Aide: Are you sure you don’t want to speak to FOX News? Who knows, maybe they can be fair and balanced.

President Barack Obama: Really? Let’s check in with Glenn Beck. [ he clicks the television on ]

Glenn Beck: [ in front of chalkboard ] Hey! If I write down the name OBAMA! We can re-arrange the letter and spell AROMA! And I don’t like what I’m smelling! And for those of you saying, “Aw, hey, Glen! Uh, those letter don’t actually re-arrange to spell that!” Well, to you, I say: [ in thick German accent, with a sieg heil ] “In Muzza Russia they do!”

[ Obama clicks the television off ]

Aide: Alright. Up next is M-TV’s Kristen Cavallari, from “The Hills”.

President Barack Obama: Great.

[ cut to M-TV logo in front of Oval Office exterior ] [ dissolve to Kristen Cavallari ]

Kristen Cavallari: Mr. President! It’s just, like, our WHOLE health care system is, like, I don’t even know! It’s, like, just STUPID! It’s, like, DRAMA! It’s like —

[ as she rambles on and on with great incoherence, President Obama just stares at her like he has no idea how to comprehend this person ]

President Barack Obama: Uhh — I’m sorry. Was that a question?

Kristen Cavallari: [ humbled ] Thank you, Mr. Presidennnnt!

President Barack Obama: [ to Aide ] Uh — next, please.

Aide: Uh — the Food Network. It’s Guy Fieri.

[ cut to Food Network logo in front of Oval Office exterior ] [ dissolve to Guy Fieri ]

Guy Fieri: [ holding a food plate ] Here’s my health care plan! TWO beef patties! Quarter-melt onion ring! Chili cheese fries! All piled on top of tortilla chips! [ he laughs maniacally ]

President Barack Obama: [ shaking his head ] Uh, yeah — that doesn’t seem like a viable plan.

Guy Fieri: You didn’t let me finish! We top it all off with… [ he grabs a pitcher ] a little LIQUID QUESO! [ he laughs maniacally ] [ President Obama just stares at Fieri, until the Food Network host nods his head and takes the hint ]

Guy Fieri: I’ll show myself out. [ he exits ]

President Barack Obama: [ to Aide ] Uh, next?

Aide: Uh… well, next, there’s someone from the CW. [ excited ] Oh! A teenage vampire!

[ cut to CW logo in front of Oval Office exterior ] [ dissolve to Teeange Vampire ]

Teeange Vampire: [ laid-back ] Hey… [ makes finger-quotes ] “O-ba-ma.”

President Barack Obama: I’m sorry — what show are you from again?

Teeange Vampire: I don’t know… one of them vampire shows. Look, just give us some BLOOD, dude! Or dough — whatever! You’re not the BOSS of me!! [ he stands and exits, then quickly turns back and hisses at Obama ]

Aide: [ stepping forward ] Uh — and, finally, NBC.

President Barack Obama: I thought we did NBC?

Aide: [ meekly ] It’s someone else.

President Barack Obama: [ disgusted ] Oh, please, God… don’t tell me it’s Brian Williams! Give that guy one day of access, and now he’s acting like we went to CAMP together.

Aide: Worse. It’s Keith Morrison, from “Dateline”.

[ Obama sighs ] [ cut to Dateline logo in front of Oval Office exterior ] [ dissolve to a smiling Keith Morrison ]

Keith Morrison: Tell me more about these… DEATH panels!

President Barack Obama: Ummmmm….

Keith Morrison: [ squealing ] Ohhhhhh??

President Barack Obama: Iiiiiiiii….

Keith Morrison: Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeahhhh!

President Barack Obama: Yeahhhh, okay. Uh… I think we’re done. [ to Aide ] Good work, Carol.

Aide: Um — any comment for FOX News?

President Barack Obama: Just tell them: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Bedelia’s Birthday Cookout

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 221

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Bedelia’s Birthday Cookout

Bedelia…..Nasim Pedrad
Dad…..Alec Baldwin
Girl 1…..Jenny Slate
Girl 2…..Abby Elliott
Boy 1…..Bobby Moynihan
Boy 2…..Andy Samberg
Boy 3…..Bill Hader

[ open on suburban backyard during outdoor cookout ]

[ Bedelia approaches her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: Hey, Dad!

Dad: Belinda, what are you doing over here?

Bedelia: [ chipper ] Mom’s putzing around the kitchen. She wanted some elbow room, so I figured I’d take a shift on the grill!

Dad: Honey, it’s your birthday! I’ll handle the grilling!

Bedelia: Cool! I’ll be your wingman! Nothing I’d rather do than flip some dogs with my homey!

Dad: Bedelia, these kids are all here for your birthday party. Go have fun!

Bedelia: Hey, Goofball, I AM having fun! [ she laughs awkwardly ]

Dad: No, I mean like normal teenager fun. [ pointing ] Look, your buddies are over there — go and say “Hi.”

Bedelia: Okay! Roger that!

[ Bedelia approaches two girls standing off to the side ]

Bedelia: Hi, guys!

Girl 1: [ ignoring Bedelia as she consults her cellphone’s text-messaging ] So he just said he got his permit, so… we’re still together.

Bedelia: Dudes! I was just on Grill Duty with my Dad! He’s so solid! He’s like… all cajones!

Girl 2: Why would you want to hang out with your Dad?

Bedelia: [ stunned ] Alright. Let’s go there! He knws his way around the woodshop, he calls me out on my B.S., he recommends great restaurants. I mean, look at him: The guy’s epic!

[ over at the grill, Dad burns his finger on the rack ]

Dad: Ow!

Bedelia: You know the book, 1776? He’s read it! Anyway, don’t be shy! Swing by and razz him about his man-apron! [ she laughs ] He’ll love that!

[ Bedelia returns to her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: Hey, Tough Guy!

Dad: Hi, Sweetie.

Bedelia: Dad!

[ Dad looks up, as Bedelia psyches a menacing stance ]

Bedelia: Psyche! We’re good. [ she makes him bump fists with her ] Hey, you wanna go listen to some Santana B-sides on vinyl?

Dad: Bedelia, your friends are getting ready to get into the pool. Don’t you think that they want you to join them?

Bedelia: For sure! Hey! [ Dad looks up ] Show me where I got that dimple! [ Dad grins sheepishly ] Yeah, you did!

[ Dad tends to the grill, as Bedelia stands by awkwardly ]

Bedelia: Heard Mom doesn’t want any more kids. You getting snipped?

Dad: Bedelia!

Bedelia: [ snickering ] That’s gotta chap your ass, huh, Dad!

Dad: Honey, look — you know your mother and I love spending time with you —

Bedelia: Yeah, you should! We have great chemistry!

Dad: We do. But you need to spend time — MORE time — with people in your own peer group. And this birthday party is a great opportunity to do that. Now, march over to those goofy-looking boys over there, and go talk to them.

Bedelia: Okay! Later, gator!

[ Bedelia approaches the two boys standing off to the side ]

Boy 1: You can’t cup a fart in a plastic cup!

Boy 2: I’m telling you, I did it!

Bedelia: Hey, guys! Enjoying my Dad’s lawn? [ she giggles ] He puts the hours in!

Boy 1: Hey, Bedelia.

Boy 2: How old did you turn, anyway?

Bedelia: Me? I’m fourteen. My Dad? He’s timeless! You guys check out his hairline? It’s not going anywhere!

Boy 2: Uhh…

Bedelia: He keeps it fit, too! He’s on a regimen, kind of a modified South Beach. He’s already trimmed off a few L.B.’s, and I can only imagine it’s carried off into the bedroom!

Boy 2: Eeuuugghh!! Are you talking about your parents having sex?!

Bedelia: Hey! Our parents don’t have sex, we’re not here! Am I right?

Boy 1: Yeah, but still

Bedelia: Guys! Let’s be mature about this! The flame of passion isn’t just a lighter you flick on and off! It’s a delicate fire that has to be fed and fanned! [ the guys look at her, disgusted ] BYE!!

[ Bedelia returns to her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: What’s up, Del Sackies!

Dad: Honey!

Bedelia: Seriously, Dad — you ARE the most interesting man in the world! Own it! [ she laughs ] Have I ever told you I think I got your legs?

Dad: Bedelia —

Bedelia: What’s up?

Dad: Alright, listen to me: Sweetie, you are a very interesting and unique young woman. I’d go so far as to say that you are incredibly cool.

Bedelia: [ pointing ] Apple… tree, Dad.

Dad: No! Stop! Look: What you need to do is spend time with people your own age. Teenagers don’t hang out with their parents! You want to know why? Because parents are DORKS!

Bedelia: What are you trying to say?

Dad: Honey! Look at me! [ he acknowledges his full dress ] Look at my shorts!

Bedelia: Yeah! They’re classic J.C. Penney shorts.

Dad: I’m wearing sandals with socks!

Bedelia: It’s poison ivy season! You’re being sensible —

Dad: You’re missing the point! You’re missing the point! I want you to start having fun, making mistakes, and being an idiot — and NOT with me. Do you understand?

Bedelia: I think so. Loud and clear, Chief.

[ a third boy steps forward ]

Boy 3: Sorry to interrupt. I wonder if I could use your phone? Feels like a pretty sweet opportunity to check in with my parents, let them know I’m okay.

Bedelia: Wow! That’s super thoughtful!

Boy 3: I figured it takes me two seconds to make the call, and save them…

Together: A WORLD OF WORRY!!

Boy 3: Wow!

Bedelia: Courtesy’s contagious, huh? [ to Dad ] Hey, Dad! mind if I go show him where the phone is?

[ disappointed ] Nothing would make me happier.

Bedelia: [ to the boy ] Let’s do this! Hey! You play your cards right, I’ll give you a quick glimpse of my parents’ wedding album!

Boy 3: Sco-o-o-ore!!

[ they walk off, as Dad shakes his head ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday III: 10/01/09

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Bonus Episode 3

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

October 1st, 2009




Maya Rudolph


Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Whoopi Goldberg (Kenan Thompson) and Joy Behar (Fred Armisen) come to Roman Polanski’s defense regarding his ages-old statutory rape charges. Captain Roger Baines (Jason Sudeikis) is bitter that fellow pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger is back at work since he became a hero for crash-landing in the Hudson River. Suze Orman (Kristen Wiig) provides meaningless money-saving tips for these hard economic times. Chicago-born actors John Malkovich (Bill Hader) and Dennis Franz (Darrell Hammond) comment on President Obama’s efforts to have the 2016 Summer Games hosted in their home town. Live via satellite in Copenhagen, Oprah Winfrey (Maya Rudolph) is excited to be near Obama. Political analysts Daryl Hall (Will Forte) and John Oates (Fred Armsen) sing a song about Health Care.

Recurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Suze Orman, John Malkovich, Daryl Hall, John Oates.

SNL Transcripts