SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Alec Baldwin’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 221






09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Alec Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! I’m so happy to be here hosting the season finale of “Saturday Night Live”. I am proud to say that this is my fifteenth time hosting — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Putting me 14 shows ahead of Ms. Betty White.

Now that I’ve hit the 15-mark, I tie Steve Martin for most tmes hosting this show. Some people think that Steve and I have some sort of rivalry, and that’s… ridiculous. We just hosted the Oscars together, and we’re good friends. In fact, Steve agreed to be here tonight, via satellite. Steve Martin, everybody!

[ Alec claps, as a TV is wheeled out, with Steve Martin on-screen ]

Steve Martin: Hello, everyone! I’d like to thank all my friends at Facebook Mexico, for demanding that I appear in this “Saturday Night Live” monologue. You know, when I first started —

[ Alec holds up a remote control and clicks the TV off, smiling ]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, no! Must be satellite trouble! I wish we could have heard more from Steve.

[ suddenly, the TV clicks right back on, with Steve pointing a remote control toward the screen ]

Steve Martin: Ah! Found the remote! [ continuing ] And I’d like to congratulate you, Alec —

[ Alec rolls the TV off-camera ]

Alec Baldwin: Being here is always an honor. But, earlier this week, I had another exciting honor: Giving the commencement address for New York University at Yankee Stadium. Do we have a photo?

[ cut to a photograph of Yankee Stadium ]

Uh, I was hoping for a photo of me giving the speech. Anyway — it was a thrill. I received an honorary doctorate in Fine Arts, so, from now on, I would like you all to call me… Dr. Alec Baldwin, OB-GYN.

You know, NYU is my alma mater, but, in a sense, so is SNL. So I’d like to deliver… the SNL Commencement Address:

“Distinuished guests… audience members… to all of you watching at home tonight or, more realistically, Monday orning on a computer… We’ve come to the end of another season of “Saturday Night Live”. But we did not get to this point alone. I think we should take a moment to thank our families for all the have done for us. Family — [ the audience cheers ] Family should always come first. Your relatives should be valued above all others. Here, in this order: My brother, Billy, first… and then my brother Daniel and Stephen kind of jockeying back and forth for second position. I’ll wrap things up; I’m not one of those people who loves to hear the sound of his voice. I don’t have to, because so many other people love the sound of my voice. It’s an incredible voice. But I want to share a piece of advice: Follow your dreams. They can take you to some amazing places. You know, 20 years ago there was a young movie star living in Hollywood, but he wanted more. So he worked and he worke,d and he dreamed and he dreamed. Yes, he had his share of setbacks, including a difficult public divorce from a beautiful, complicated actress… but he never lost hope, and his dream came true. Because today that movie star’s on a sitcom, and he’s happy. Happier than he’s ever been. How do I know? Because, ladies and gentlemen, that man… is Charlie Sheen.

We have a great show tonight! Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Oil Spill Press Conference



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22




09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Oil Spill Press Conference

Tony Hayward…..Bill Hader
Steve Newman…..Fred Armisen
Tim Probert…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: And now, a message from the people who ruined our ocean.

[ dissolve to press conference set-up ]

Tony Hayward: Good evening. I’m Tony Hayward, from British Petroleum.

Steven Newman: I’m Steven Newman, from Transocean.

Tim Probert: And I’m Tim Probert, from Halliburton! [ he grins laciviously ] We’re ba-a-a-ack!

Tony Hayward: You probably heard we’ve made several attempts to contain the spill. An early plan was called the Top Hat. That’s where we try to cover the leak with a large containment tank.

Steven Newman: [ matter-of-factly ] This plan did not work.

Tony Hayward: Then we tried something involving a giant tube. This plan was dear to my heart because it was a suggestion of my five-year-old daughter.

Tim Probert: It was a total failure!

Tony Hayward: We’ve also announced a new plan called… The Junk Shot. That’s where we shoot a pile of garbage AT the leak, and try to plug it up.

Steven Newman: Now, that one hasn’t failed yet… but we’re confident it will.

Tony Hayward: Those are the only plans we’ve announced so far, but, tonight, we’ve come together to assure you we have MANY other ideas. Ideas formulated by our top scientists, using state-of-the-art technology. The first plan is called… Dolphins With Mops.

Steven Newman: That’s where we round up a bunch of dolphins and Scotch-tape mops to their fins.

Tim Probert: It may not work, but, rest-assured, Halliburton WILL make a profit! [ he clenches his fist ]

Tony Hayward: Our next plan is called… The Schweppes Offensive. That’s where we fight the oil spill head-on with a bunch of club soda.

Tim Probert: Mmm-hmm. Club soda gets EVERYTHING out.

Steven Newman: Now… you might ask, “How could that possibly work?” [ he leaves it at that ]

Tony Hayward: Another idea we have is… The Oil Whisperer.

Steven Newman: Uh… we would hire someone like the Dog Whisperer, but… for oil.

Tim Probert: Mmm-hmm. And, he would go up to the oil and say, “Bad oil! Stop it!”

Tony Hayward: [ quieting him down ] And… there are many more. Like… Aquaman. Blame The French. Duct Tape. And, our personal favorite… The Back-Up Plan. That’s where we blow this whole oil mess off and go see J-Lo’s new romantic comedy, “The Back-Up Plan”! It might not help, but I think we could all use the laughs!

[ they all giggle coquettishly ]

Tim Probert: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

Tony Hayward: No matter what happens, we just want to assure the American people that we WILL stop this leak, we WILL clean up this mess, and we WILL get back to do what we do best: Robbing you blind at the gas pump! And, finally, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Preniva



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22










09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Preniva

Sally Field…..Abby Elliott

[ open on Sally Field seated on couch ]

Sally Field: Hi, I’m Sally Field. I want to talk to you about a problem that lots of women face: Bone Loss. Even if you don’t have it now, no matter what age you are, ALL women are inherently weak and very fragile!

[ Sally stands next to a skeleton ]

Sally Field: You get this ONE body! And this ONE life! You have to take care of this now.

[ she rests her hand on the skeleton’s shoulder, causing it to collapse and shatter at her feet ]

Sally Field: Are ya’ bummed yet? That’s why there’s Preniva. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with you to take Preniva. You just have to be scared — which you should be.

Preniva makes sure you’ll be able to keep doing your favorite, everyday, low-impact activities. Like doing yoga! Spritzing your plant! Fanning out your magazines! Swallowing pills for other things your doctor scared you with! And having bangs! [ she smiles at her demonstration ]

Preniva won’t solve all your problems — you’ll always be a woman.

[ cut to Sally seated next to a stacked Jenga tower ]

Sally Field: This is the average woman’s spine. And this is your spine without Preniva: [ she pulls a peg from the bottom, causing the tower to topple ] I’m not fucking around, you guys!

[ cut to product logo ]

Announcer: Preniva. Your weakness is our strength.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Scrotox



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22








09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Scrotox

Spokesperson…..Alec Baldwin
Guy #1…..Bill Hader
Guy#2…..Fred Armisen
Guy#3…..Jason Sudeikis
Nurse…..Jenny Slate
Announcer…..Steve Higgins
Girlfriend…..Abby Elliott

FADE IN:

[ Three MEN all sit next to each other. ]

Guy #1: Fine lines and wrinkles…

Guy #2: …deep furrows and creases…

Guy #3: …sagging skin and looseness…

[ A SPOKESPERSON comes in. ]

Spokesperson: Women aren’t the only ones who want smooth skin – men do too. If sagging skin and wrinkles are holding you back, maybe it’s time you try Scrotox.

[ SUPER: SCROTOX (scrotabotulismtoxina) ]

Guy #1: Scrotox? What’s that?

Spokesman: Scrotox is nothing more than a botulism toxin that we shoot straight into your scrotum.

Guy #2: How does it work?

[ COMPUTER ANIMATION of a male human body appears. It scans down to the testicles. ]

Spokesperson (V/O): Scrotox plumps and tightens a man’s unsightly skin down there.

[ The animation shows the testicles are dark purple and wrinkled. ]

Spokesperson: Aren’t you ready for your prunes to become plums?

[ Time-lapse footage shows two shriveled plums between a large Tootsie Roll on a plate becoming ripe. ]

Spokesperson: Now that’s what I call a smooth set of luggage.

[ All the men laugh. ]

Guy #2: Will I lose feeling down there?

Spokesperson: Oh definitely! It’s poison, but your gents will be ready for their close-up.

[ A NURSE injects a syringe of Scrotox into the center of a shriveled plum. The men squirm, but all smile after seeing the plum ripen. ]

Announcer (V/O): Ask your doctor about Scrotox. Discomfort is usually minimal and brief… but it’s not.

[ EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO – SUNSET ] [ Guy #1 is having a candlelit dinner with his GIRLFRIEND. ]

Girlfriend: Something’s different about you… but I like it.

[ Guy #1 faces the camera. ]

Guy #1: Thanks, Scrotox.

[ SUPER: SCROTOX (scrotabotulismtoxina) ]

Spokesperson: Scrotox – You shoot it straight into your balls.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22












09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

An SNL Digital Short

Dennis…..Andy Samberg
Mailman…..Bobby Moynihan
Dennis’s Friend…..Jorma Taccone
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Tom Petty
Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
Man…..Bill Hader

[Fade in to a messy kitchen with garbage all over the place. Music begins to play. A man named Dennis pops up from behind the character with white stuff under his nose. It is clear he is on drugs.]

Dennis: [singing] I don’t know why, but today seems like it’s going to be a great day. There’s something in the air that makes me feel like things are gonna go my way. [Animated birds appear.] The birds are chirping “tweetle-dee-dee,” the sun is shining bright. There’s a skip in my step, pep in my pep – [he clears his nose] – and I don’t know why!

[The mailman appears.]

Dennis: Hey there, mailman friend. Any letters from my ex-wife or the kids?

Mailman: Nope!

Dennis: Fantastic news. Ha ha hahahaha ha! [Dennis continues to laugh frantically and throws all of the mail the mailman was carrying onto the ground.] [Dennis moves to the street.]

Dennis: [singing] Wonderful day, makes me feel so happy that my face is numb. [People join Dennis in the street.] My heart is racing along ba-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum-pum. So many places and people to meet now that I’ve lost my job. They say “young man, the world’s your oyster” –

[Two of the people in the street touches Dennis on the shoulder and he begins to flip.]

Dennis: Hey, hey get the [bleep] off me! No! [bleep] no! Just give me a minute.

[Dennis crouches off camera to take more drugs, and he can be heard snorting. He reappears with more white stuff under his nose and begins singing at a much more rapid pace.]

Dennis: [singing] I don’t know why, but today seems like it’s gonna be a great day. La la la, blah blah blah blah, I should spend more time with my kids. It’s carpe diem, gotta seize the day, gonna move to Spain and run with the bulls, and my wife and boss and kids and parents will say “we were wrong about you, Dennis.”

Dennis’s Friend: Hey, Dennis?

Dennis: That’s my name.

Dennis’s Friend: Are you really gonna run with the bulls?

Dennis: Why would I do that?

Dennis’s Friend: ‘Cause you said you were gonna.

Dennis: Come on, man, that was like three days ago! [He suddenly becomes demonic, with red eyes and a deep voice.] OR WAS IT?

[Dennis goes back to singing at his rapid pace.]

Dennis: [singing] Today makes me feel fine and fancy free. Much of the ocean is still unexplored, how did I get up in this tree? Now I’m over here, now I’m over there, now I’m under this dude, now I’m back in the tree, now I’m hanging out backstage with my very best friends Alec Baldwin and Tom Petty.

Alec Baldwin: Get the [bleep] out of here.

Dennis: What?

Tom Petty: Now.

Dennis: Tom?

[The music becomes sad as Dennis is now dressed up nice holding a single rose.]

Dennis: [singing] Why would they dis me? I thought they were my homies! [He sniffs the rose aggressively.] [Cut back to the street where Dennis is singing and marching with a bunch of people.]

Dennis: [singing] Any problem is solvable, we can feed the hungry and cure disease, but all of that would be a huge of waste of time ’cause we live in “The Matrix.” [The theme music from “The Matrix” begins to play as everyone pretends to dodge bullets the way they did in the movie.] [Cut to Dennis’s view of two people pushing a stroller. He sees them like they’re in “The Matrix” with green code representing their forms.] [Cut back to reality where Dennis is in the street alone making sound effects and doing the bullet-dodging maneuvers.]

Woman: What is wrong with him?

Man: He’s on drugs.

Woman: Oh.

[Dennis throws up in the middle of the street.] [Fade out.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Snipers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22








09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Snipers

Master Sniper….Alec Baldwin
Sampson….Jason Sudeikis
Haley….Kenan Thompson

[opens with an Academy building. Scout Sniper School, Quantico Virginia] [Two sniper candidates lay down on a grassy knoll pointing high-powered rifles. The Master Sniper lays in the middle of the candidates]

Master Sniper: All right, you pansies! You trained 10 weeks for this moment. You wanna be snipers?

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: You think you got what it takes?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Then hear this! You do not fire your weapon until you hear me give the exact order! Human life is at stake and you need to be 100% certain before you pull that trigger! 100%! Is that clear?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Locked and loaded!

Both Snipers: Lock and loaded, sir!

Master Sniper: Do you have it locked?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Are you loaded?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: THEN TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!

[silence]

Haley: Excuse me?

Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!!

Sampson: What?

Master Sniper: Stand down the both of you! [rolls right next to Sampson] Where are you from Sampson?

Sampson: Kansas City, Missouri, sir!

Master Sniper: Show me state, huh?

Sampson: Uh-huh.

Master Sniper: Then you better show me what you got! And TAY DA SHAAAAAA!!!!

Sampson: Excuse me?

Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!

Sampson: I’m sorry, sir. I can’t clarify the order. I just want to make sure that I’m hearing you right.

Master Sniper: Stand down! [rolls next to Haley] What about you Haley? Do you want to be a sniper?

Haley: Yes! I want to serve my country, sir!

Master Sniper: You ever sit alone in the dark and let your mind take control of your soul and try to play God?

Haley: I’m sorry?

Master Sniper: Yes or no! Are you God?! I’ll give a hint—you are!

Haley: Uh, ok.

Master Sniper: Now Haley, tay da shaaa.

Haley: Excuse me?

Master Sniper: Oh, I’m sorry, do you need me to enunciate?

Haley: Yes.

Master Sniper: Tay da shaaaa….TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!!

Sampson: We can’t understand what you order, sir!

[Master Sniper rolls next to Sampson]

Master Sniper: What the hell did you say to me?!

Sampson: Nothing, sir!

Master Sniper: Well, it sounded like you said something!

Sampson: No, sir!

Master Sniper: All right, then don’t move! I got to use the john! [rolls over Sampson out of sight]

Sampson: Oh! He’s saying take the shot, right?

Haley: I don’t know! Why does he say it like that?

Sampson: I do–, I mean, it must be some kind of test—[Master Sniper rolls over Sampson and parks himself next to him] Oh!

Master Sniper: False alarm. I didn’t have to go. I was just laying on my bladder weird. What did I miss? Anyone tay da shaa?

Sampson: No, sir!

Master Sniper: Locked and loaded?!

Both Snipers: Locked and loaded, sir!

Master Sniper: All right. [Master Sniper gets fully mounted on top of Sampson, then rolls out to Haley]. All right, Haley. I’m just gonna put my hand on the small of your back.

Haley: May I inquire, sir?

Master Sniper: No, you may not! But you know what you can do?

Haley: What’s that, sir?

Master Sniper: You can tay da shaaaa!

Haley: Are you telling me to take the shot?

Master Sniper: I tell you to tay da shaaaa. Now hold yo’ fieee and tay da shaaaa!

Haley: I should hold my fire or should I take the shot?

Master Sniper: Hold yo fieee, tay da shaaaaaa!!

Haley: Oh, man! This is messed up!

Master Sniper: Stand down! [rolls next to Sampson] Locked and loaded?!

Sampson: Locked and loaded, sir!

Master Sniper: Good. [ Sampson gets fully mounted by the Master Sniper] God, you must be addicted to—

Sampson: Wait a minute. What are you doing?

Master Sniper: You must be addicted to doing squats.

Sampson: Oh! Excuse me, sir?

Master Sniper: I said locked and loaded!

Sampson: Ok.

Master Sniper: Enemy target at 75 meters!

Sampson: [aiming] I have it locked.

Master Sniper: Do you?!

Sampson: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Are you sure?!

Sampson: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Then tay da shaaa but hold yo fieeeee!!!!

Sampson: Are you ordering me to take the shot, sir?

Master Sniper: What part of hold yo fieee and tay da shaaa don’t you understand, boy?!

Sampson: All of it, sir!

Master Sniper: Take aim, soldier! Hold yo fieee, tay da shaaaa!!!!

Sampson: I should take the shot?!

Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAA!!!!

[Sampson fires]

POW!

Man: [off camera] Ow! Who the hell just shot me?!

Master Sniper: Oops.

Sampson: Ooops?! You told me to take the shot!

Master Sniper: No, I didn’t. I told you to “Tay the shaw”. That’s military slang for “stand down”.

Haley: But you also said: “stand down”!

Master Sniper: Yeah, I’m inconsistent.

Sampson: What?! What the hell was “hold yo fiee”?

Master Sniper: I don’t know! It’s some vodoo chick! I lived in Honduras.

Sampson: What?!

Master Sniper: Now, let ge’ ou’ of here!!!

[The trio rolls out of the grassy knoll] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Timecrowave

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 221
















09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Timecrowave

Gram Lampton…..Alec Baldwin
Penny Schmeer…..Kristen Wiig
Alternate Gram…..Kenan Thompson
Alternate Penny…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: [ over card ] The following is a paid advertisement for the Gram Lampton “Timecrowave”.

[ dissolve to set with microwave positioned in front of the window ]

Gram Lampton: Hi, I’m Gram Lampton.

Penny Schmeer: And I’m two-time Miss Indiana runner-up, Penny Schmeer. Hey, Gram, nice to see ya’!

[ the two are obviously reading from cue cards ]

Gram Lampton: Nice to be here, Penny!

Penny Schmeer: Boy, have we got a special treat for you today.

Gram Lampton: We sure do, Penny. You know, the world is moving fast these days, and the last thing I need to do is waste time waiting around for my food.

Penny Schmeer: [ cheerily ] What do you mean?

Gram Lampton: You know how it is: You take it out of the freezer, put it in the microwave, wait two minutes, turn it, pop it back in, and wait another two minutes.

Penny Schmeer: Ugh, wow… that sounds like a NIGHTMARE!

Gram Lampton: You said it, Penny. That’s why I’ve invented… [ points to his creation ] The Timecrowave!

Penny Schmeer: Hmm. Timecrowave?

Gram Lampton: That’s right, the Timecrowave. It’s the only microwave equipped with time travel capabilities.

Penny Schmeer: How does it work?

Gram Lampton: It’s simple. [ Timecrowave hums ] I’m hungry right now. So I just open my Timecrowave, and… [ he pulls out a TV dinner ] Voila! My roast beef dinner is waiting for me, and it’s piping hot!

Penny Schmeer: [ chuckling ] Wow! That looks delicious! But where did that food come from?

Gram Lampton: [ matter-of-factly ] The future!

Penny Schmeer: Come on!

Gram Lampton: I’m serious. Later on, when I’m done eating the roast beef dinner, all I have to do is take a roast beef dinner out of the freezer, put it in the Timecrowave, then send it BACK in time, to the EXACT time that I pulled out the hot meal earlier.

Penny Schmeer: Sounds simple. Now, what happens if you forget to send your meal back in time?

Gram Lampton: Well, Penny, if you forget to send the exact meal you ate back in time, you’ll create a paradox, where small differences may start to occur in the space-time continuum.

[ Penny’s hair is now shorter, curlier, and blonde ]

Penny Schmeer: Oh, boy! Just because you want your food fast, you might cause a paradox in time? I don’t know, Gram… isn’t that kind of dangerous?

[ Gram now sports a full moustache ]

Gram Lampton: It could be. The differences could range from very small, to changing history. But I’m sure that something like that will never happen!

[ Penny now sports a shaggy moustache of her own ]

Penny Schmeer: Well, this I’ve got to hear! How have you done that, Gram?

[ Gram is now a Black man ]

Gram Lampton: You see… each meal comes with a card that reminds you you must put the original frozen meal in the Timecrowave and send it back in time.

[ Penny is now a transvestite male ]

Penny Schmeer: Oh! [ she laughs ] That DOES sound safe! Seems like you’ve thought of EVERYTHING!

[ Gram is now back to normal ]

Gram Lampton: And it works for people like me. You know, I’m always forgetting things: “Where are my car keys?” “Where are my gloves?”

[ Penny is now back to normal, though the American flags down the street outside the window now have Nazi emblems ]

Penny Schmeer: [ laughing ] Now, Gram… how do you know your food has been sent back in time?

Gram Lampton: Well, after you press the START button, you will feel a low-grade electrical charge in your body. That’s how you know that it’s working.

Penny Schmeer: Oh. Sounds like a snap! Now, tell me, how is the food cooked?

[ over animated demonstration ]

Gram Lampton: Well… it’s the time-travel that cooks it. A blast of cosmic radiation creates a tight seal around the frozen dinner. As it travels back from time, thousands of micro-tryhedrian time particles pass through the food, causing it to steam in its own juices.

[ Gram now has horns coming out of his head ]

Gram Lampton: And that’s how it creates the prefect dinner, every time!

[ Penny also has horns coming out of her head, and the exterior window view is covered with apocalyptic flames ]

Penny Schmeer: Sounds delicious!

Gram Lampton: Remember that dinner I pulled out at the beginning of the show, Gwyntyth?

Penny Schmeer: Oh, yeah — of course I remember the dinner from earlier. The one you said we need to remember to send back in time.

[ Gram is now dressed as Dr. Zaius from “The Planet of the Apes” ]

Gram Lampton: Yes. I was going to set the Timecrowave to the date in time we pulled it out. [ he opens the Timecrowave door ] Now, I just pop this chicken dinner in and send it back in time. [ he presses buttons ] [ the exterior window view reveals the Statue of Liberty waistdeep in sand ]

Penny Schmeer: Wait a minute, Gram… Did you say chicken? I — i’m not sure, but wasn’t it a roast beef dinner?

[ Gram is now back to normal ]

Gram Lampton: Oh! Was it? Are you sure? I’m sure nothing bad will happen.

[ the Timecrowave dings ] [ the exterior window view now reveals a giant kitty cat looking in and making a threatening meowing sound ]

Announcer: [ over card ] We’ll be right back with Gram Lampton’s “Timecrowave”, after this.

[ loud meowing sound effect ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Whistle If You Can



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22










09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Whistle If You Can

Ben Mankiewicz…..Bill Hader
Businessman…..Alec Baldwin
Prostitute…..Jenny Slate

[ open on animated TCM logo ] [ dissolve to Ben Mankiewicz ]

Ben Mankiewicz: Welcome back to Turner Classic Movies. I’m Ben Mankiewicz. We’re in the middle of the 1952 drama, “Whistle If You Can”, starring Preston Wbb as a wealthly businessman, and Merna Fontaine as a hooker with a heart of gold. Let’s watch.

[ dissolve to Las Vegas exterior ] [ dissolve to interior, hotel room ]

Prostitute: Ooh, this is some place! You must be some kind of a bigshot!

Businessman: Nice, huh?

Prostitute: Never been in this hotel before. So, tell me, Mr. Businessman… [ she sits on the edge of the bed ] What’s your pleasure?

Businessman: Whoa! Slow down.

Prostitute: Slow down? [ she chuckles ] Candy’s just getting started!

Businessman: No. Stop. Look, I just want to talk.

Prostitute: Talk?

Businessman: Yeah. I just want to get to know you as a person.

Prostitute: It’s your time.

Businessman: Tell me: What did you want to be before you started “turning tricks”?

Prostitute: Oh, what is this?! 20 Questions?

Businessman: No, really. I want to know.

Prostitute: I don’t know! [ she sighs ] It’s silly, but I… I guess I, kinda, always wanted to be a dental hygeinist.

Businessman: I don’t think that’s silly. What’s your name?

Prostitute: I told you it’s Candy.

Businessman: No, no. Your real name. The one your mother gave you.

Prostitute: My mother?

Businessman: Does she even know you’re doing this?

Prostitute: My mother? She lives in Nebraska, I… I haven’t spoken to her in years.

Businessman: Maybe you should call her.

Prostitute: Maybe she doesn’t want to hear from me.

Businessman: Funny thing about mothers: They always answer the phone. [ he hands the phone to her ]

Prostitute: [ she dials ] Mama! It’s me! Yeah… yeah, I miss you, too. No, I’m okay. Yeah, Mama. I’ll be home for Christmas. [ she laughs, then cradles the phone ] Well, whaddaya know, I… I guess she still loves me!

Businessman: Of course, she does.

Prostitute: Thanks. Oh, and Mister? It’s Gertrude. My name, that is.

Businessman: Gertrude. That’s a very nice name.

Prostitute: Thank you.

Businessman: Gertrude… give me a hand job.

Prostitute: [ flustered ] What?!

Businessman: Give me a hand job, Gertrude!

Prostitute: I don’t understand! I thought you said you wanted to talk?!

Businessman: Well, yeah — that’s what turns me on. First, I get a prostitute to… talk about her life, then I make her call her mom while I watch, then I get your real name, and then… HANDY!

Prostitute: Yeah. Well, that is SICK!

Businessman: Well, to quote you, a hooker: It’s my dime.

Prostitute: Okay, fine. But I want the ten bucks up front!

Businessman: I’m only gonna pay you $7.50.

Prostitute: Well, what gives?!

Businessman: That call was a long-distance call.

Prostitute: Sooooome big shot!

Businessman: [ pointing toward his crotch ] Let’s go.

[ “THE END” appears on-screen, as the theme flourishes ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday I: 09/17/09



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Bonus Episode 1



Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

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Bit Players:

September 17th, 2009

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Joint Address To CongressSummary: Members of the Republican Party plan to collectively shout “You lie!” during President Obama’s speech, until they chicken out. The only problem is, they forget to remind Joe Wilson (Will Forte) upon his return from the bathroom.

Transcript

Montage

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Democratic political consultant James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on the anti-Obama Conservative Tea Party protestors. Madonna (Kristen Wiig) discusses the life of the recently-deceased world’s oldest woman. Former President Jimmy Carter (Darrell Hammond) and Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele (Kenan Thompson) debate the matter of Joe Wilson’s potentially racist “You lie!” outburst. Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” when Kanye West and other celebrities make bad decisions over the summer.

Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers, Daryl Hall, John Oates.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 1: 09/17/09: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Bonus Episode 1















Weekend Update Thursday 1

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
James Carville…..Bill Hader
Madonna…..Kristen Wiig
Jimmy Carter…..Darrell Hammond
Michael Steele…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler!

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: Hello, and welcome to “Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday”!

Seth Meyers: In a speech released Sunday by Osama bin Laden, he accuses President Obasma of being a “powerless shadow of George W. Bush.” Though, calling someone powerless comes off better when you’re not saying it into a tape recorder from a cave.

In his upcoming memoirs, Matt Latimer, a former speechwriter for George W. Bush, said that the former presidentharshly criticized almost every politician in Washington, including Barack Obama, who he said “has no clue, I promise you.” Bush then punctuated the remark by getting his foot stuck in a bucket.

Amy Poehler: After his release from prison this week, Muntader al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush, said that he had been tortured while in jail. Though mostly by other prisoners who kept asking him if he was “gellin’.”

[ the camera cuts to Seth, who smiles ]

Amy Poehler V/O: In an interview with Oprah Winfrey —

Seth Meyers: Hold on one second, Amy. We’re having a bit of, uh, “Weekend Update” live technical issues.

Amy Poehler: [ impressed ] Ooh!

Seth Meyers: Yeah! It’s pretty exciting!

Amy Poehler: This is exciting!

Seth Meyers: Isn’t it exciting?

Amy Poehler: What’s happening!

Seth Meyers: Live TV.

Amy Poehler: So, Seth, you’re telling me this is really live?

Seth Meyers: This is live right now!

Amy Poehler: So what we’re doing right now, we didn’t rehearse?

Seth Meyers: Perfect, here we go!

Amy Poehler: Look — we couldn’t have rehearsed that!

Seth Meyers: Right!

Amy Poehler: [ impressed ] Here we go! Okay! Oooh, that was good!

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Whitney Houston called her ex-husband, Bobby Brown, her drug. Also Whitney Houston’s drug: drugs.

Seth Meyers: Last week, thousands of protesters from the Conservative Tea Party Movement ocnverged on Washington, voicing their concerns about Obama’s health care plan and increased government spending. Here to comment, is Democratic political consultant James Carville.

James Carville: [ he screams ] Thank you, Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: So, uh, James — what do you think of these protesters?

James Carville: [ he shakes his shoulders and laughs with a hiss ] Oh, did you see these people protesting out there? Grown men dressed as Jokers and gobonis and Hitlers! These people are first-class crazy, and I should know, Seth, because I-I-I’m as crazy as they come! [ he laughs ] I mean, look at me: I see this in the mirror every morning, and I think, “Yep! THat’s good-looking!” I mean, come on! I look like a Skeletor!

Seth Meyers: Well, surely, they’re not all crazy. I mean, what do you make of the argument that they’re moderate conservatives?

James Carville: No, no, Seth, there’s no moderates in the Tea Party. They only seem moderate ’cause they’re surrounded by the super-crazies. It’s like when a midget stands next to a Smart Car: You ain’t tall, midget! You just CLEVER! [ he skaes his shoulders and laughs ]

Seth Meyers: Alright, um — when exactly do little people stand next to Smart Cars?

James Carville: Aw, you come on down to Louisiana — you’ll get an eyeful of clever little people!

Seth Meyers: So, how do you think the White House should respond to these demonstrators?

James Carville: IGNORE ‘EM!!! I mean, when a crazy drifter comes up to you on the street, and says, “Hey, Snakeface! You the DEVIL!!” Yuo don’t stop and engage with ’em! You just keep walking. I mean, I don’t know why we entertain these backwater, uh, knockaloofs. I mean, in the middle of a school assembly, no one’s sayin’, “Hey, hey! Let’s hear from the creepy janitor who fought in Vietnam! I bet he has a good suggestion for prom themes!” [ he shakes his shoulders and laughs ] You get it? You don’t get near him, Seth, ’cause you’re going to a NIGHTMARE PROM!!

Seth Meyers: Okay, I get it. So your advice is to ignore the protesters out on the street.

James Carville: Yeah!

Seth Meyers: But what do you do with elected officials like Joe Wilson? Were you pleased that Congress voted to rebuke him?

James Carville: Seth — no. Rebuke? Give me a break. You gotta handle things old school. I mean, you break into Joe Wilson’s house in the middle of the night. Okay? You can throw a garbage bag over his head, and you drag him to some mansion in the woods, okay? Where there’s a circle of “Eyes Wide Shut” fellas in tuxedos, and they wear weird venetian masks with the big noses — BEAK MASKS!! And you rip the bag off, and you just STARE at him until he cries! Next morning, he wakes up, he doesn’t know: “W-w-was that a dream? What was that?” Well, what you do is, you leave a little mask on his pillow! Like: “Uh-oh!!” That would have been real!

Seth Meyers: Well, uh — that — that sounds really illegal.

[ Carville cracks up with laughter ]

James Carville: Illegal! You a cute kid, Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: James Carville, everyone! We’ll be back with more “Weekend Update”, after this commercial break!

[ fade to commercial, then return to the news desk ]

Seth Meyers: Welcome back!

Amy Poehler: Whoo!

While China is threatening to cut imports of American chickens, trade experts feel this may be an empty threat because chicken feet are very popular to the Chinese. Ah, China! Foiled again by the weird stuff you’re into!

Caster Semenya, the champion South African runner whose gender has been called into question, withdrew from a cross-country race this past weekend, citing an unspecified injury. No word on what the injury is, though it’s rumored she’s suffering from an enlarged penis.

Getrude Baines, the world’s oldest person, died this week at the age of 115. “Booyah!” screamed 114-year old Josephine Miller.

Here to talk about the life of Gertrude Baines, is her old friend, Madonna.

[ Madonna steps forward, very solemn ]

Madonna: Seth. Amy. Fans. Before I begin, please note, due to the importance of this speech, and the various things going on with my face, I will be blinking slowly… and dramatically. [ she does so, then begins ]

Gertrude Baines was born in August. So was I. She had eight brothers and sisters. So did I. She grew up in the Midwest. So did I.

Amy Poehler: [ consulting her notes ] Oh, really? Because it says here that she was born in Georgia, actually.

[ Madonna holds her composure ]

Madonna: She was a proud, Black woman. So am I.

Seth Meyers: What?

Madonna: Please don’t interrupt me, Seth, while I’m honoring this great, great woman — and, also, Gertrude Baines.

[ Madonna continues ]

Madonna: She never missed an episode of “The Price Is Right”. Neither did I. She had an out-of-wedlock child with a Puerto Rican pilates instructor. So did I. She was the oldest woman that ever lived, and, at 115 years old, she died. So did I.

[ Seth and Amy stare intently at Madonna ]

Seth Meyers: Is she okay?

Madonna: In the early 90’s, she appeared nude with Vanilla Ice in a metal book about sex. So did I. She proudly boned Dennis Rodman in a jacuzzi shaped as a clam shell. So did I.

Amy Poehler: What?! I don’t think that’s about Gertrude Baines!

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I-I don’t think you know Gertrude Baines.

Madonna: She was a QUEEN! Long live the Queen! [ she holds out her arms, then points to herself as she walks away ]

Amy Poehler: Madonna, everybody.

Seth Meyers: The creators of the Body World Exhibition are planning a new show dedicated solely to dead bodies having sex. It’s called Marriage.

On Tuesday, former President Jimmy Carter said that Joe Wilson’s “You lie!” remark was motivated by racism. This was immediately condemned by many, including Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele. Here to debate the matter are Jimmy Carter and Michael Steele.

Jimmy Carter: [ smiling widely ] Thank you, Seth. It’s a great pleasure to be here.

Michael Steele: [ coolly ] What’s up, Seth! Republicans, can I get a what-what! [ he raises the roof ]

Seth Meyers: Okay, now, uh, President Carter, even the Obama White House said that racism was not behind Wilson’s comments. Can you back off what you said?

Jimmy Carter: Well… I don’t back off. The anger out there at Obama is not rational. People do not hate him based on the job he’s doing as President. Believe me, I know what it’s like to be hated based on the job you’re doing as President!

Michael Steele: Well, look — I vote for Republican, as evidenced by my title. And a Black man, as evidenced by my natural use of urban slang. HOLLA!! This is not a race issue! This is about out-of-control government spending. Jimmy Carter? You better check yo’self… before you subsequently… wreck yo’self!

Jimmy Carter: [ unnerved ] This has EVERYTHING to do with race, Mr. Steele. I’m from the South, just up the road where Joe Wilson is from. Let me tell you: every single southern person… is a racist! [ Steele is shocked ] Except for one: ME! Try as I might, I still do not understand the appeal of Mr. Tyler Perry. [ Stelle grants him that ] I don’t.

Michael Steele: Well, I don’t think race has anything to do with it. This is part of a broad movement by thousands of Americans — old and young — white and black — gathering together to say: “Enough is enough!” Did you see the Tea Party protesters this past weekend? It was off da hook!

Jimmy Carter: I did. And I don’t think there was one African-American there. I saw more black people at an 11 a.m. screening of “Julie & Julia”.

Michael Steele: Awww! This rally was as diverse as it GETS! Let me prove it to you. Uh, let me get a picture of the protesters, please.

[ an image comes up ]

Michael Steele: You want to see an African-American? There’s one, riiiiiiiiight there!

[ a circle goes around a Black police officer ]

Jimmy Carter: I think that’s a police officer.

Michael Steele: “Oh no, you didn’t!” Is something I’ve heard people say… and I think it applies here. Let me show you some more.

[ another image comes up ]

Michael Steele: There’s one…. riiiight there!

[ a circle goes around an Obama mask ]

Jimmy Carter: That’s a man in an Obama mask!

Michael Steele: Mr. President, I can’t believe someone who has so much power with the Democratic Party is playing the race card!

Well, you’re wrong again. You see, I have no power with the Democratic Party! [ he smiles wider ] They don’t return my calls. Some of them don’t even know who I am! I just found out they recently had a party for all living Democratic president. [ a beat ] I was not invited.

Michael Steele: I believe the terminology you’re looking for is: You got served!

Jimmy Carter: [ glumly ] I got served.

Seth Meyers: [ he chuckles ] Jimmy Carter and Michael Steele, everyone! We’ll be right back, everybody!

Amy Poehler: Right after these commercials!

[ fade to commercial, then return to the news desk ]

Amy Poehler: Hello, everyone! And welcome back!

Seth Meyers: Welcome back!

The makers of the Snuggie, the blanket with sleeves, staged a runway show, Tuesday, during New York’s Fashion Week, marking the first time anyone’s ever walked somewhere in a Snuggue that wasn’t to a refrigerator or a toilet.

The story of the M-TV Video Music Awards this week was Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video, which brings us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! With Seth & Amy”.

[ show graphic ]

Really, Kanye West? You interrupted somebody again? Really!?!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: You know, it was interesting when you spoke out about President Bush and Hurricane Katrina — less so when you’re standing up for Beyonce and the “Single Ladies” video. Really!

Amy Poehler: Really! And, also — VMA’s: Really! Who does your seating chart? We ALL know that Kanye loves to interrupt people — you CAN’T sit him next to the stage!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: You have to put him in the back row, between a couple of seat-fillers!

Seth Meyers: You do!

Amy Poehler: And, listen, Security: if you see a guy drinking Hennessey with Joe Jackson, maybe keep an eye on him. It’s not exactly the calling card of a guy who’s about to make a ton of really smart moves.

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And, really, Kanye, it’s JUST a Video Music Award. They don’t really matter. So, just to give you a word of advice: If you ever see an old lady holding a “World’s Greatest Grandma” mug, and you think you know a better grandma… don’t slap it out of her hand! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And I mean, really! This cannot happen again. So, from now on, here’s the plan: When you go to an awards show, tie a bell to yourself, and then, if at any point in the night you hear a bell, feeze, and then go in the other direction! Really!

Amy Poehler: Really! But you know who else is rude? I mean, really! Joe Wilson.

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Hey, Joe! Yelling “You lie!” would be rude to a valet or a waiter, so, maybe don’t yell it at the President!

Seth Meyers: Really! And, also, next time, can I suggest “You’re a liar!”? “You lie!” sounds like a toddler or someone who just learned English! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: And if you’re allowed to boo, you can use the word “Boo!” to show disapproval: “Booooo, you’re wrong!” Or you can use it to show approval: “Great speech, boo!”

Seth Meyers: Oh. Great point, Boo!

Amy Poehler: Thanks, Boo!

Seth Meyers: And, Serena Williams, really! Take it DOWN a notch when you get mad at that line judge. You didn’t HAVE to say anything! Just moments earlier, you threw your raquet down so hard it bent in half! After you do something that pwoerful, you can let a person know you want to kill them with a look! When you did this: [ Amy makes her Serena face ] people knew you were angry!

Amy Poehler: So, guys, if you’re gonna go after people, maybe pick better targets!

Seth Meyers: Yeah!

Amy Poehler: No one is impressed when you take your stance against 19-year old girls, tiny Asian ladies, or the first black president!

Seth Meyers: Really! Who are you gonna go after next? Koalas?

Amy Poehler: Baby koalas?

Seth Meyers: I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Rude! Really!

[ show graphic ]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! With Seth & Amy”.

Seth Meyers: We’ll be right back with more “Update”, after these commercial breaks! Stick around!

[ fade to commercial, then return to the news desk with the cast surrounding Seth and Amy ]

Seth Meyers: See you back here, LIVE, next week with another “Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday”!

Amy Poehler: Hey, thanks, you guys! And stay tuned for the season premiere of “Parks and Recreation”, coming up!

[ roll credits ]

SNL Transcripts