SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Scrotox



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22








09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Scrotox

Spokesperson…..Alec Baldwin
Guy #1…..Bill Hader
Guy#2…..Fred Armisen
Guy#3…..Jason Sudeikis
Nurse…..Jenny Slate
Announcer…..Steve Higgins
Girlfriend…..Abby Elliott

FADE IN:

[ Three MEN all sit next to each other. ]

Guy #1: Fine lines and wrinkles…

Guy #2: …deep furrows and creases…

Guy #3: …sagging skin and looseness…

[ A SPOKESPERSON comes in. ]

Spokesperson: Women aren’t the only ones who want smooth skin – men do too. If sagging skin and wrinkles are holding you back, maybe it’s time you try Scrotox.

[ SUPER: SCROTOX (scrotabotulismtoxina) ]

Guy #1: Scrotox? What’s that?

Spokesman: Scrotox is nothing more than a botulism toxin that we shoot straight into your scrotum.

Guy #2: How does it work?

[ COMPUTER ANIMATION of a male human body appears. It scans down to the testicles. ]

Spokesperson (V/O): Scrotox plumps and tightens a man’s unsightly skin down there.

[ The animation shows the testicles are dark purple and wrinkled. ]

Spokesperson: Aren’t you ready for your prunes to become plums?

[ Time-lapse footage shows two shriveled plums between a large Tootsie Roll on a plate becoming ripe. ]

Spokesperson: Now that’s what I call a smooth set of luggage.

[ All the men laugh. ]

Guy #2: Will I lose feeling down there?

Spokesperson: Oh definitely! It’s poison, but your gents will be ready for their close-up.

[ A NURSE injects a syringe of Scrotox into the center of a shriveled plum. The men squirm, but all smile after seeing the plum ripen. ]

Announcer (V/O): Ask your doctor about Scrotox. Discomfort is usually minimal and brief… but it’s not.

[ EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO – SUNSET ] [ Guy #1 is having a candlelit dinner with his GIRLFRIEND. ]

Girlfriend: Something’s different about you… but I like it.

[ Guy #1 faces the camera. ]

Guy #1: Thanks, Scrotox.

[ SUPER: SCROTOX (scrotabotulismtoxina) ]

Spokesperson: Scrotox – You shoot it straight into your balls.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22












09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

An SNL Digital Short

Dennis…..Andy Samberg
Mailman…..Bobby Moynihan
Dennis’s Friend…..Jorma Taccone
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Tom Petty
Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
Man…..Bill Hader

[Fade in to a messy kitchen with garbage all over the place. Music begins to play. A man named Dennis pops up from behind the character with white stuff under his nose. It is clear he is on drugs.]

Dennis: [singing] I don’t know why, but today seems like it’s going to be a great day. There’s something in the air that makes me feel like things are gonna go my way. [Animated birds appear.] The birds are chirping “tweetle-dee-dee,” the sun is shining bright. There’s a skip in my step, pep in my pep – [he clears his nose] – and I don’t know why!

[The mailman appears.]

Dennis: Hey there, mailman friend. Any letters from my ex-wife or the kids?

Mailman: Nope!

Dennis: Fantastic news. Ha ha hahahaha ha! [Dennis continues to laugh frantically and throws all of the mail the mailman was carrying onto the ground.] [Dennis moves to the street.]

Dennis: [singing] Wonderful day, makes me feel so happy that my face is numb. [People join Dennis in the street.] My heart is racing along ba-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum-pum. So many places and people to meet now that I’ve lost my job. They say “young man, the world’s your oyster” –

[Two of the people in the street touches Dennis on the shoulder and he begins to flip.]

Dennis: Hey, hey get the [bleep] off me! No! [bleep] no! Just give me a minute.

[Dennis crouches off camera to take more drugs, and he can be heard snorting. He reappears with more white stuff under his nose and begins singing at a much more rapid pace.]

Dennis: [singing] I don’t know why, but today seems like it’s gonna be a great day. La la la, blah blah blah blah, I should spend more time with my kids. It’s carpe diem, gotta seize the day, gonna move to Spain and run with the bulls, and my wife and boss and kids and parents will say “we were wrong about you, Dennis.”

Dennis’s Friend: Hey, Dennis?

Dennis: That’s my name.

Dennis’s Friend: Are you really gonna run with the bulls?

Dennis: Why would I do that?

Dennis’s Friend: ‘Cause you said you were gonna.

Dennis: Come on, man, that was like three days ago! [He suddenly becomes demonic, with red eyes and a deep voice.] OR WAS IT?

[Dennis goes back to singing at his rapid pace.]

Dennis: [singing] Today makes me feel fine and fancy free. Much of the ocean is still unexplored, how did I get up in this tree? Now I’m over here, now I’m over there, now I’m under this dude, now I’m back in the tree, now I’m hanging out backstage with my very best friends Alec Baldwin and Tom Petty.

Alec Baldwin: Get the [bleep] out of here.

Dennis: What?

Tom Petty: Now.

Dennis: Tom?

[The music becomes sad as Dennis is now dressed up nice holding a single rose.]

Dennis: [singing] Why would they dis me? I thought they were my homies! [He sniffs the rose aggressively.] [Cut back to the street where Dennis is singing and marching with a bunch of people.]

Dennis: [singing] Any problem is solvable, we can feed the hungry and cure disease, but all of that would be a huge of waste of time ’cause we live in “The Matrix.” [The theme music from “The Matrix” begins to play as everyone pretends to dodge bullets the way they did in the movie.] [Cut to Dennis’s view of two people pushing a stroller. He sees them like they’re in “The Matrix” with green code representing their forms.] [Cut back to reality where Dennis is in the street alone making sound effects and doing the bullet-dodging maneuvers.]

Woman: What is wrong with him?

Man: He’s on drugs.

Woman: Oh.

[Dennis throws up in the middle of the street.] [Fade out.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts