SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Snipers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22








09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Snipers

Master Sniper….Alec Baldwin
Sampson….Jason Sudeikis
Haley….Kenan Thompson

[opens with an Academy building. Scout Sniper School, Quantico Virginia] [Two sniper candidates lay down on a grassy knoll pointing high-powered rifles. The Master Sniper lays in the middle of the candidates]

Master Sniper: All right, you pansies! You trained 10 weeks for this moment. You wanna be snipers?

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: You think you got what it takes?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Then hear this! You do not fire your weapon until you hear me give the exact order! Human life is at stake and you need to be 100% certain before you pull that trigger! 100%! Is that clear?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Locked and loaded!

Both Snipers: Lock and loaded, sir!

Master Sniper: Do you have it locked?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Are you loaded?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: THEN TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!

[silence]

Haley: Excuse me?

Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!!

Sampson: What?

Master Sniper: Stand down the both of you! [rolls right next to Sampson] Where are you from Sampson?

Sampson: Kansas City, Missouri, sir!

Master Sniper: Show me state, huh?

Sampson: Uh-huh.

Master Sniper: Then you better show me what you got! And TAY DA SHAAAAAA!!!!

Sampson: Excuse me?

Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!

Sampson: I’m sorry, sir. I can’t clarify the order. I just want to make sure that I’m hearing you right.

Master Sniper: Stand down! [rolls next to Haley] What about you Haley? Do you want to be a sniper?

Haley: Yes! I want to serve my country, sir!

Master Sniper: You ever sit alone in the dark and let your mind take control of your soul and try to play God?

Haley: I’m sorry?

Master Sniper: Yes or no! Are you God?! I’ll give a hint—you are!

Haley: Uh, ok.

Master Sniper: Now Haley, tay da shaaa.

Haley: Excuse me?

Master Sniper: Oh, I’m sorry, do you need me to enunciate?

Haley: Yes.

Master Sniper: Tay da shaaaa….TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!!

Sampson: We can’t understand what you order, sir!

[Master Sniper rolls next to Sampson]

Master Sniper: What the hell did you say to me?!

Sampson: Nothing, sir!

Master Sniper: Well, it sounded like you said something!

Sampson: No, sir!

Master Sniper: All right, then don’t move! I got to use the john! [rolls over Sampson out of sight]

Sampson: Oh! He’s saying take the shot, right?

Haley: I don’t know! Why does he say it like that?

Sampson: I do–, I mean, it must be some kind of test—[Master Sniper rolls over Sampson and parks himself next to him] Oh!

Master Sniper: False alarm. I didn’t have to go. I was just laying on my bladder weird. What did I miss? Anyone tay da shaa?

Sampson: No, sir!

Master Sniper: Locked and loaded?!

Both Snipers: Locked and loaded, sir!

Master Sniper: All right. [Master Sniper gets fully mounted on top of Sampson, then rolls out to Haley]. All right, Haley. I’m just gonna put my hand on the small of your back.

Haley: May I inquire, sir?

Master Sniper: No, you may not! But you know what you can do?

Haley: What’s that, sir?

Master Sniper: You can tay da shaaaa!

Haley: Are you telling me to take the shot?

Master Sniper: I tell you to tay da shaaaa. Now hold yo’ fieee and tay da shaaaa!

Haley: I should hold my fire or should I take the shot?

Master Sniper: Hold yo fieee, tay da shaaaaaa!!

Haley: Oh, man! This is messed up!

Master Sniper: Stand down! [rolls next to Sampson] Locked and loaded?!

Sampson: Locked and loaded, sir!

Master Sniper: Good. [ Sampson gets fully mounted by the Master Sniper] God, you must be addicted to—

Sampson: Wait a minute. What are you doing?

Master Sniper: You must be addicted to doing squats.

Sampson: Oh! Excuse me, sir?

Master Sniper: I said locked and loaded!

Sampson: Ok.

Master Sniper: Enemy target at 75 meters!

Sampson: [aiming] I have it locked.

Master Sniper: Do you?!

Sampson: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Are you sure?!

Sampson: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Then tay da shaaa but hold yo fieeeee!!!!

Sampson: Are you ordering me to take the shot, sir?

Master Sniper: What part of hold yo fieee and tay da shaaa don’t you understand, boy?!

Sampson: All of it, sir!

Master Sniper: Take aim, soldier! Hold yo fieee, tay da shaaaa!!!!

Sampson: I should take the shot?!

Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAA!!!!

[Sampson fires]

POW!

Man: [off camera] Ow! Who the hell just shot me?!

Master Sniper: Oops.

Sampson: Ooops?! You told me to take the shot!

Master Sniper: No, I didn’t. I told you to “Tay the shaw”. That’s military slang for “stand down”.

Haley: But you also said: “stand down”!

Master Sniper: Yeah, I’m inconsistent.

Sampson: What?! What the hell was “hold yo fiee”?

Master Sniper: I don’t know! It’s some vodoo chick! I lived in Honduras.

Sampson: What?!

Master Sniper: Now, let ge’ ou’ of here!!!

[The trio rolls out of the grassy knoll] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Timecrowave

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 221
















09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Timecrowave

Gram Lampton…..Alec Baldwin
Penny Schmeer…..Kristen Wiig
Alternate Gram…..Kenan Thompson
Alternate Penny…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: [ over card ] The following is a paid advertisement for the Gram Lampton “Timecrowave”.

[ dissolve to set with microwave positioned in front of the window ]

Gram Lampton: Hi, I’m Gram Lampton.

Penny Schmeer: And I’m two-time Miss Indiana runner-up, Penny Schmeer. Hey, Gram, nice to see ya’!

[ the two are obviously reading from cue cards ]

Gram Lampton: Nice to be here, Penny!

Penny Schmeer: Boy, have we got a special treat for you today.

Gram Lampton: We sure do, Penny. You know, the world is moving fast these days, and the last thing I need to do is waste time waiting around for my food.

Penny Schmeer: [ cheerily ] What do you mean?

Gram Lampton: You know how it is: You take it out of the freezer, put it in the microwave, wait two minutes, turn it, pop it back in, and wait another two minutes.

Penny Schmeer: Ugh, wow… that sounds like a NIGHTMARE!

Gram Lampton: You said it, Penny. That’s why I’ve invented… [ points to his creation ] The Timecrowave!

Penny Schmeer: Hmm. Timecrowave?

Gram Lampton: That’s right, the Timecrowave. It’s the only microwave equipped with time travel capabilities.

Penny Schmeer: How does it work?

Gram Lampton: It’s simple. [ Timecrowave hums ] I’m hungry right now. So I just open my Timecrowave, and… [ he pulls out a TV dinner ] Voila! My roast beef dinner is waiting for me, and it’s piping hot!

Penny Schmeer: [ chuckling ] Wow! That looks delicious! But where did that food come from?

Gram Lampton: [ matter-of-factly ] The future!

Penny Schmeer: Come on!

Gram Lampton: I’m serious. Later on, when I’m done eating the roast beef dinner, all I have to do is take a roast beef dinner out of the freezer, put it in the Timecrowave, then send it BACK in time, to the EXACT time that I pulled out the hot meal earlier.

Penny Schmeer: Sounds simple. Now, what happens if you forget to send your meal back in time?

Gram Lampton: Well, Penny, if you forget to send the exact meal you ate back in time, you’ll create a paradox, where small differences may start to occur in the space-time continuum.

[ Penny’s hair is now shorter, curlier, and blonde ]

Penny Schmeer: Oh, boy! Just because you want your food fast, you might cause a paradox in time? I don’t know, Gram… isn’t that kind of dangerous?

[ Gram now sports a full moustache ]

Gram Lampton: It could be. The differences could range from very small, to changing history. But I’m sure that something like that will never happen!

[ Penny now sports a shaggy moustache of her own ]

Penny Schmeer: Well, this I’ve got to hear! How have you done that, Gram?

[ Gram is now a Black man ]

Gram Lampton: You see… each meal comes with a card that reminds you you must put the original frozen meal in the Timecrowave and send it back in time.

[ Penny is now a transvestite male ]

Penny Schmeer: Oh! [ she laughs ] That DOES sound safe! Seems like you’ve thought of EVERYTHING!

[ Gram is now back to normal ]

Gram Lampton: And it works for people like me. You know, I’m always forgetting things: “Where are my car keys?” “Where are my gloves?”

[ Penny is now back to normal, though the American flags down the street outside the window now have Nazi emblems ]

Penny Schmeer: [ laughing ] Now, Gram… how do you know your food has been sent back in time?

Gram Lampton: Well, after you press the START button, you will feel a low-grade electrical charge in your body. That’s how you know that it’s working.

Penny Schmeer: Oh. Sounds like a snap! Now, tell me, how is the food cooked?

[ over animated demonstration ]

Gram Lampton: Well… it’s the time-travel that cooks it. A blast of cosmic radiation creates a tight seal around the frozen dinner. As it travels back from time, thousands of micro-tryhedrian time particles pass through the food, causing it to steam in its own juices.

[ Gram now has horns coming out of his head ]

Gram Lampton: And that’s how it creates the prefect dinner, every time!

[ Penny also has horns coming out of her head, and the exterior window view is covered with apocalyptic flames ]

Penny Schmeer: Sounds delicious!

Gram Lampton: Remember that dinner I pulled out at the beginning of the show, Gwyntyth?

Penny Schmeer: Oh, yeah — of course I remember the dinner from earlier. The one you said we need to remember to send back in time.

[ Gram is now dressed as Dr. Zaius from “The Planet of the Apes” ]

Gram Lampton: Yes. I was going to set the Timecrowave to the date in time we pulled it out. [ he opens the Timecrowave door ] Now, I just pop this chicken dinner in and send it back in time. [ he presses buttons ] [ the exterior window view reveals the Statue of Liberty waistdeep in sand ]

Penny Schmeer: Wait a minute, Gram… Did you say chicken? I — i’m not sure, but wasn’t it a roast beef dinner?

[ Gram is now back to normal ]

Gram Lampton: Oh! Was it? Are you sure? I’m sure nothing bad will happen.

[ the Timecrowave dings ] [ the exterior window view now reveals a giant kitty cat looking in and making a threatening meowing sound ]

Announcer: [ over card ] We’ll be right back with Gram Lampton’s “Timecrowave”, after this.

[ loud meowing sound effect ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts