SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Bedelia’s Birthday Cookout



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 221










09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Bedelia’s Birthday Cookout

Bedelia…..Nasim Pedrad
Dad…..Alec Baldwin
Girl 1…..Jenny Slate
Girl 2…..Abby Elliott
Boy 1…..Bobby Moynihan
Boy 2…..Andy Samberg
Boy 3…..Bill Hader

[ open on suburban backyard during outdoor cookout ]

[ Bedelia approaches her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: Hey, Dad!

Dad: Belinda, what are you doing over here?

Bedelia: [ chipper ] Mom’s putzing around the kitchen. She wanted some elbow room, so I figured I’d take a shift on the grill!

Dad: Honey, it’s your birthday! I’ll handle the grilling!

Bedelia: Cool! I’ll be your wingman! Nothing I’d rather do than flip some dogs with my homey!

Dad: Bedelia, these kids are all here for your birthday party. Go have fun!

Bedelia: Hey, Goofball, I AM having fun! [ she laughs awkwardly ]

Dad: No, I mean like normal teenager fun. [ pointing ] Look, your buddies are over there — go and say “Hi.”

Bedelia: Okay! Roger that!

[ Bedelia approaches two girls standing off to the side ]

Bedelia: Hi, guys!

Girl 1: [ ignoring Bedelia as she consults her cellphone’s text-messaging ] So he just said he got his permit, so… we’re still together.

Bedelia: Dudes! I was just on Grill Duty with my Dad! He’s so solid! He’s like… all cajones!

Girl 2: Why would you want to hang out with your Dad?

Bedelia: [ stunned ] Alright. Let’s go there! He knws his way around the woodshop, he calls me out on my B.S., he recommends great restaurants. I mean, look at him: The guy’s epic!

[ over at the grill, Dad burns his finger on the rack ]

Dad: Ow!

Bedelia: You know the book, 1776? He’s read it! Anyway, don’t be shy! Swing by and razz him about his man-apron! [ she laughs ] He’ll love that!

[ Bedelia returns to her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: Hey, Tough Guy!

Dad: Hi, Sweetie.

Bedelia: Dad!

[ Dad looks up, as Bedelia psyches a menacing stance ]

Bedelia: Psyche! We’re good. [ she makes him bump fists with her ] Hey, you wanna go listen to some Santana B-sides on vinyl?

Dad: Bedelia, your friends are getting ready to get into the pool. Don’t you think that they want you to join them?

Bedelia: For sure! Hey! [ Dad looks up ] Show me where I got that dimple! [ Dad grins sheepishly ] Yeah, you did!

[ Dad tends to the grill, as Bedelia stands by awkwardly ]

Bedelia: Heard Mom doesn’t want any more kids. You getting snipped?

Dad: Bedelia!

Bedelia: [ snickering ] That’s gotta chap your ass, huh, Dad!

Dad: Honey, look — you know your mother and I love spending time with you —

Bedelia: Yeah, you should! We have great chemistry!

Dad: We do. But you need to spend time — MORE time — with people in your own peer group. And this birthday party is a great opportunity to do that. Now, march over to those goofy-looking boys over there, and go talk to them.

Bedelia: Okay! Later, gator!

[ Bedelia approaches the two boys standing off to the side ]

Boy 1: You can’t cup a fart in a plastic cup!

Boy 2: I’m telling you, I did it!

Bedelia: Hey, guys! Enjoying my Dad’s lawn? [ she giggles ] He puts the hours in!

Boy 1: Hey, Bedelia.

Boy 2: How old did you turn, anyway?

Bedelia: Me? I’m fourteen. My Dad? He’s timeless! You guys check out his hairline? It’s not going anywhere!

Boy 2: Uhh…

Bedelia: He keeps it fit, too! He’s on a regimen, kind of a modified South Beach. He’s already trimmed off a few L.B.’s, and I can only imagine it’s carried off into the bedroom!

Boy 2: Eeuuugghh!! Are you talking about your parents having sex?!

Bedelia: Hey! Our parents don’t have sex, we’re not here! Am I right?

Boy 1: Yeah, but still

Bedelia: Guys! Let’s be mature about this! The flame of passion isn’t just a lighter you flick on and off! It’s a delicate fire that has to be fed and fanned! [ the guys look at her, disgusted ] BYE!!

[ Bedelia returns to her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: What’s up, Del Sackies!

Dad: Honey!

Bedelia: Seriously, Dad — you ARE the most interesting man in the world! Own it! [ she laughs ] Have I ever told you I think I got your legs?

Dad: Bedelia —

Bedelia: What’s up?

Dad: Alright, listen to me: Sweetie, you are a very interesting and unique young woman. I’d go so far as to say that you are incredibly cool.

Bedelia: [ pointing ] Apple… tree, Dad.

Dad: No! Stop! Look: What you need to do is spend time with people your own age. Teenagers don’t hang out with their parents! You want to know why? Because parents are DORKS!

Bedelia: What are you trying to say?

Dad: Honey! Look at me! [ he acknowledges his full dress ] Look at my shorts!

Bedelia: Yeah! They’re classic J.C. Penney shorts.

Dad: I’m wearing sandals with socks!

Bedelia: It’s poison ivy season! You’re being sensible —

Dad: You’re missing the point! You’re missing the point! I want you to start having fun, making mistakes, and being an idiot — and NOT with me. Do you understand?

Bedelia: I think so. Loud and clear, Chief.

[ a third boy steps forward ]

Boy 3: Sorry to interrupt. I wonder if I could use your phone? Feels like a pretty sweet opportunity to check in with my parents, let them know I’m okay.

Bedelia: Wow! That’s super thoughtful!

Boy 3: I figured it takes me two seconds to make the call, and save them…

Together: A WORLD OF WORRY!!

Boy 3: Wow!

Bedelia: Courtesy’s contagious, huh? [ to Dad ] Hey, Dad! mind if I go show him where the phone is?

[ disappointed ] Nothing would make me happier.

Bedelia: [ to the boy ] Let’s do this! Hey! You play your cards right, I’ll give you a quick glimpse of my parents’ wedding album!

Boy 3: Sco-o-o-ore!!

[ they walk off, as Dad shakes his head ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday III: 10/01/09



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Bonus Episode 3



Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

October 1st, 2009

None

None

None

Maya Rudolph

None


Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Whoopi Goldberg (Kenan Thompson) and Joy Behar (Fred Armisen) come to Roman Polanski’s defense regarding his ages-old statutory rape charges. Captain Roger Baines (Jason Sudeikis) is bitter that fellow pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger is back at work since he became a hero for crash-landing in the Hudson River. Suze Orman (Kristen Wiig) provides meaningless money-saving tips for these hard economic times. Chicago-born actors John Malkovich (Bill Hader) and Dennis Franz (Darrell Hammond) comment on President Obama’s efforts to have the 2016 Summer Games hosted in their home town. Live via satellite in Copenhagen, Oprah Winfrey (Maya Rudolph) is excited to be near Obama. Political analysts Daryl Hall (Will Forte) and John Oates (Fred Armsen) sing a song about Health Care.

Recurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Suze Orman, John Malkovich, Daryl Hall, John Oates.

SNL Transcripts