SNL Transcripts: Megan Fox: 09/26/09: United Nations General Assembly



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 1




09a: Megan Fox / U2

United Nations General Assembly

Moammar Gadhafi…..Fred Armisen

[ open on C-Span card: “NEXT: Colonel Moammer Gadhafi speaks to the United Nation’s General Assembly” ]

Announcer: We now return to our coverage of the United Nations General Assembly, where Colonel Moammer Gadhafi is returning to the lectern to address criticism of his speech Wednesday morning.

[ dissolve to Gadhafi at the lectern; He speaks rapidly in his foreign tongue as a translator outlines the highlights of his speech. ]

Translator V/O: Hello… I am here today to apologize for my speech on Wednesday. It was just so long, and so rambling, and it didn’t make any sense. I watched a tape of it, and I was like, “Who is that guy?” But allow me to explain. As I mentioned in my speech on Wednesday… I was suffering from extreme jet lag. Just to explain the scope of this jet lag… my home in Libya is six hours ahead of New York. Six. Can you imagine this? If it is nine a.m. here… it is three p.m. there. If it is one p.m. here, it is seven a.m. there. I could go on, but… I believe you get the picture. [ quickly ] Four p.m. — ten p.m. That will be my last example. No man who is six hours away from where his natural body clock is telling him he is… can be held to account for his words or actions. When it’s lunch time here… I want dinner. This is no way to live!

On top of this mind-bending jet lag, I have also been having problems with my giant tent. For those of you who do not know: when I travel, I have a large tent that I like to bring with me. For this, I am scorned as some kind of weirdo. Despite my high diplomatic station… my tent and I were turned away by Central Park… Westchester County… and, worst of all, Inglewood, New Jersey. Imagine me, the world’s longest-serving leader, agreeing to stay in Inglewood, New Jersey as a last resort… only to be told that Inglewood, New Jersey, did not want me. Inglewood, New Jersey! Let‘s just say I will not be flying home to brag about that… both because it is embarrassing and also because, with the time difference… anyone I would call home to in Libya will be sound asleep. Try to wrap your head around that.

So I was dealing with both jet lag and a tent situation. Making matters worse… the computer with my speech crashed. So I had to write one at the last minute on loose leaf paper. And that made me look crazy. This was crushing, because I had written my speech on the plane ride here… instead of watching the in-flight movie “Taken” staring Liam Neeson. Everyone —- and I mean everyone — on the plane was watching “Taken”. Imagine trying to write a speech, while out of the corner of your eye the great Liam Neeson… is running through Paris trying to recover his daughter… stopping everyone who gets in his way with both his intellect and his strength. This was no fun for me. But I made the sacrifice and I wrote my speech. Then — boom! — computer crash. Turned it on, and there was that rainbow pinwheel. [ he looks offscreen ] What is that called? The pinwheel when your computer crashes? It looks like the Trivia Pursuit piece with all the pies? It has no name? Ohhhh, well.

I considered taking my computer to an IT specialist, but — wothout going into too many details — there are things on my computer that I would not want anyone to see. And, no — it is not terrorist stuff. It was just “guy” stuff. Do not judge me! Every guy here knows what I’m talking about. Ahmadinejad knows what I’m talking about! [ Gadhafi laughs ] He will deny it… but he denies everything. If you do not get that joke… it is a reference to him denying the Holocaust.

What else has gone wrong? Oh! I forgot to pack my ceremonial robes with the giant, black Africa medallion… so we had to drive all the way to Flatbush Island to replace it. There goes an hour!

Okay. They’re giving me the “wrap it up” sign. In closing, I think Obama is a great Son of Africa… Vishnu (?) is coming, and you can’t stop it… and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Megan Fox: 09/26/09: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 1






09a: Megan Fox / U2

Goodnights

…..Megan Fox
…..U2

Megan Fox: Thank you to U2. Um – I want to say thank you to the cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live”. Thank you SO much for letting me do this. And, once again, here’s U2!

[ the camera pans over to the musical guest stage ]

U2: [ singing ]“Sometimes I feel like I don’t know
Sometimes I feel like checkin’ out
I want to get it wrong
Can’t always be strong
And love it won’t be long.

Oh sugar, don’t you cry
Oh child, wipe the tears from your eyes
You know I need you to be strong
And the day is as dark as the night is long
I feel like trash, you make me feel clean
I’m in the black, but can’t see or be seen
Baby, baby, baby…light my way
(alright now)
Baby, baby, baby…light my way.

You bury your treasure
Where it can’t be found
But your love is like a secret
That’s been passed around
There is a silence that comes to a house
Where no one can sleep
I guess it’s the price of love
I know it’s not cheap.

(oh, come on)
Baby, baby, baby…light my way
(oh, come on)
Baby, baby, baby…light my way….”

SNL Transcripts