SNL Transcripts: Ryan Reynolds: 10/03/09: So You Committed A Crime… And You Think You Can Dance?



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2


















09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

So You Committed A Crime… And You Think You Can Dance?

Kevin Federline…..Andy Samberg
Nathan Lane…..Bobby Moynihan
Nancy Grace…..Abby Elliott
Phil Spector…..Bill Hader
Dixon Carrothers…..Ryan Reynolds
Joseph Corey Wayne…..Will Forte
Lea…..Nasim Pedrad
Owen Schecter…..Fred Armisen
Casey…..Kristen Wiig
Sergeant Tim Grasser…..Jason Sudeikis
Mike Pots…..Kenan Thompson
Rebecca…..Jenny Slate

[TruTV logo appears with a yellow background. Logo reads “truTV Not Reality. Actuality”]

Announcer: You’re watching TruTV real life show that make you feel bad. Coming up at nine. “Forensic Files” but first the all new reality series “So You Committed a Crime… And You Think You Can Dance?”

[Screen cuts to court room judge bench with 3 judges behind the podium.]

Announcer: It’s so you committed a crime and you think you can dance.

[Show logo appears which reads “So You Committed A Crime… And You Think You Can Dance”]

Announcer: With your host Kevin Federline.

[Kevin Federline is overweight and runs to center stage.]

Kevin Federline: Yo! Yo! Welcome to the show. I’m Kevin Federline…. And I got super fat. Alright let’s say word up to our judges. First from Broadway he’s probably in Shrek… Nathan Lane.

[Camera cuts to Nathan Lane]

Nathan Lane: “I can see what’s happening”

Kevin Federline: NO!!!

[Nathan Lane stops singing. Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Next! You know her from CNN she never stops talking and she is always wrong… Nancy Grace.

[Camera cuts to Nancy Grace]

Nancy Grace: This show is disgusting.

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Finally. He is a music legend and he is a murderer. Here on special release. Phil Spector.

[Camera cuts to Phil Spector. Phil Spector is making a menacing look to the camera and not moving] [Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Yeah! That’s my boy right there. Yeah! Now before we start, give it up for our world renowned choreographer from Australia… Dixon Carrothers.

[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers who is wearing a silk muscle shirt with a silk tie.]

Dixon Carrothers: Thank You Kevin. When uh.. I agreed to do this show I definitely did not fully understand the premise. That said I’m very excited.

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Remember when I made an album? Ok our first contestant definitely committed a crime but can he dance? He is currently serving 16 years at the Millers Ville state penitentiary.

[Camera cuts to Joseph Corey Wayne wearing an orange prison jump suit beside Lea. Joseph Corey Wayne is staring at Lea sexually. Lea is very uncomfortable that Joseph Corey Wayne is staring at her.]

Kevin Federline: I don’t know what he did but he looks like a sex offender.

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Say hello to Joseph Corey Wayne. Let’s take a quick peek at his rehearsal.

[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers in a dance classroom]

Dixon Carrothers: For Joseph we figured keep it simple.

[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers at the head of the class teaching Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne part of the choreography. Dixon Carrothers and Lea are the only one dancing. Joseph Corey Wayne is staring at Lea who tries to follow Dixon Carrothers dance moves.]

Dixon Carrothers: Chug chug chug. Chug chug chug. Chug Chug Chug. Chug Chug Chug.

[Camera cuts to Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne. Lea is continuing to dance with Dixon Carrothers while Joseph Corey Wayne is not moving and only staring at Lea’s body]

Dixon Carrothers: Kick ball change. Kick ball change.

[Camera pans out to Dixon Carrothers, Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne]

Dixon Carrothers: Hey! Joseph! Focus! (Dixon snaps his fingures at Joseph Corey Wayne to get his attention).

[Lea stops dancing and freaked out that Joseph Corey Wayne keeps starring at her. After a few seconds she continues to dance]

Dixon Carrothers: Focus Joseph!

[Joseph Corey Wayne starts to move his feet and arms in an attempt to dance while he never takes his eyes away from Lea.]

Dixon Carrothers: Nice! Kick ball change. Kick ball change. Kick ball change and…

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline in the courtroom with the 3 judges.]

Kevin Federline: Alright y’all. Give it up for Joseph Corey Wayne and Lea!.

[Camera cuts to Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne in the courtroom ballroom. Joseph Corey Wayne is still wearing an orange prison jump suit. Lea is wearing a pink ballroom gown.] [Funky music starts to play. Lea starts to perform choreograph moves. Joseph Corey Wayne tries to stay by Lea’s side by walking. When Joseph Corey Wayne gets too close to Lea she is disturbed that he is getting closer and dances away. Joseph Corey Wayne walking like a zombie tries to catch up with Lea. Lea strikes a pose and the music stops. Joseph Corey Wayne walks over and starts to rum Lea’s arms while she stays in the finishing pose. Lea is very disgusted by Joseph Corey Wayne touching her.] [Kevin Federline applauds and starts to walk towards center stage beside Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne].

Kevin Federline: Alright. Yeah Yeah Yeah. That was fresh. Let’s see what the judges thought.

[Camera cuts to the Nathan Lane, Nancy Grace and Phil Spector behind the judging desk.] [All of the judges show there score card. Nathan Lane is showing a “6’, Nancy Grace is showing a “7” and Phil Spector is showing a “6”] [Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Yo add those up Joseph and you got an 82.

[The stage producer comes from off camera to whisper something in Kevin Federline’s ear.]

Kevin Federline: 19! Our next dancer is the miggidy miggidy mack of white collar crime.

[Camera cuts to Owen Schecter looks to be a grey haired 70 year old man and Casey]

Kevin Federline: He loves sailing and he will most definitely die in jail. Meet Owen Schecter.

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Let’s see Owens rehearsal.

[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers in a dance classroom]

Dixon Carrothers: Owen was a great student but… he was hampered by a relentless desire to escape.

[Camera cuts to Owen Schecter and Casey practicing the choreograph routine]

Dixon Carrothers: Up and Up and Up.

[Owen Schecter starts to dance towards a door marked “EXIT”]

Dixon Carrothers: Up and Up and Up

[Owen Schecter attempts to open the door but a police officer enters the scene and pushes Owen Schecter away from the door marked “EXIT”]

Dixon Carrothers: And come back to the party. And Up and Up.

[Camera cuts a wall with two windows in the dance classroom.]

Dixon Carrothers: Back at it again. Got It! Beautiful Work

[Casey starts to spin Owen Schecter towards her then away from her. As Owen Schecter moves away from Casey, he heads towards a window and tries to open it up. Dixon Carrothers holds Owen while the police officer moves from off camera towards Owen and pushes him away from the window. Owen continues to dance towards Casey like as if nothing happened.] [Camera cuts to the Police Officer who has a serious look on his face. He never takes his eyes off Owen.]

Dixon Carrothers: Beautiful. Good. Beautiful. Beautiful

[Camera cuts back to Owen and Casey dancing beside the windows again. Owen starts to dance towards the same window he tried to escape from before but the police office put his arm I Owen’s way. Owen then starts to dance back towards Casey]

Dixon Carrothers: There it is. There it is.

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline in the courtroom with the 3 judges.]

Kevin Federline: Alright. Put your hand together for Owen, Casey and Sergeant Tim Grasser.

[Camera cuts to Owen, Casey and Sergeant Tim Grasser. Sergeant Tim Grasser is between Owen and Casey. Owen is handcuffed to Sergeant Tim Grasser. Sergeant Tim Grasser is starring at Owen.

[Dance Music starts to play] [Owen and Casey start to perform the choreograph moves while Owen is still handcuffed to Sergeant Tim Grasser. Sergeant Tim Grasser never takes his eyes off of Owen.] [Owen spins Casey into his arms. While Sergeant Tim Grasser is still hand cuffed to Owen, Sergeant Tim Grasser’s hand lands on Casey’s breast as Casey and Owen pose when the music stops.] [Kevin Federline applauds and walks towards center stage]

Kevin Federline: Nice. Nice. That was tight. Alright judges what do you think about that?

[Camera cuts to the 3 judges.] [All of the judges show there score card. Nathan Lane is showing a “3’, Nancy Grace is showing a “3” and Phil Spector is showing a “6”]

Kevin Federline: Alright add it up and that’s …. eh… 12?

[Kevin Federline looks to his on floor producer for confirmation that the score is 12] [Kevin Federline is happy that the score is 12]

Kevin Federline: Cool. Our last contestant hails from the super max facility in Florence Colorado.

[Camera cuts to Mike Pots and Rebecca]

Kevin Federline V/O: He is known as the mayor of death row and he straight up ate a prison guard. Don’t look at him in the eyes but do show him some love Mike Pots.

[Camera cuts to Kevin Federline]

Kevin Federline: Let’s check out Mike’s rehearsal

[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers in a dance classroom]

Dixon Carrothers: Mike was a big challenge for me because Mike… doesn’t like to be touched.

[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers in a dance classroom instructing Mike and Women 1dance moves. A Police office is beside Rebecca watching Mike]

Dixon Carrothers: Thrust Two three. That’s very good Mike.

[Dixon Carrothers walks beside Mike and genlty puts his hands on Mike shoulder in order to be positioned properly. As soon as Dixon Carrothers hands touch Mike shoulders Mike yells out and starts to bark and trying to attack Dixon Carrothers. Dixon Carrothers runs for cover as the police officer runs over and holds Mike back. Rebecca is very sacred.] [Camera cuts to Mike sitting in a corner day dreaming and rubbing his own arms. Dixon Carrothers is sitting be side him and puts his hand on his shoulder to comfort Mike.]

Dixon Carrothers: You’re Ok. You’re Ok.

[Mike looks as Dixon Carrothers hand on his should then grabs his hand and pulls Dixon Carrothers forearm to his mouth and bites Dixon Carrothers.] [Dixon Carrothers in pain looks at the police officer]

Dixon Carrothers: Jeff he’s biting me.

[The police officer runs over and tries to pull Dixon Carrothers arm away from Mike’s mouth]

Dixon Carrothers: Jeff, JEFF…. Jeff use your gun.

[Mike is trying to bite Dixon Carrothers arm harder then before]

Dixon Carrothers: USE YOUR GUN JEFF!! FOR (BLEEP) SAKES.

[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline in the courtroom with the 3 judges.]

Kevin Federline: Alright I guess were doing this. Here comes Mike and Rebecca.

[Camera cuts to Mike and Rebecca. Mike is posing with his arms crossed and Rebecca is posing ready to dance.] [Rag time music starts to play] [Mike and Rebecca are dancing and following the choreography perfectly.] [Mike and Rebecca finish dancing and strike a final dance pose. Music stops.] [Kevin Federline applauds and walks towards center stage]

Kevin Federline: Ok very unexpected. Judges…

[Camera cuts to the 3 judges.] [All of the judges show there score card. Nathan Lane is showing a “9’, Nancy Grace is showing a “10” and Phil Spector is showing a “7”. Nathan Lane and Nancy Grace nod in agreement]

Kevin Federline (V/O): Yo! I think we got ourselves a winner.

[Camera cuts to Kevin Federline, Mike and Rebecca]

Kevin Federline: Mike Pots you are a free man.

[Mike Pots and Rebecca are very happy about the outcome. The stage producer comes and whispers something in Kevin Federline’s ear then moves off camera]

Kevin Federline: Ok never mind. Mike Pots you are still on death row.

[Mike Pots looks disappointed]

Kevin Federline: Alright that’s our show. Until next time. I’m K Fed saying Yes… I will see the dessert menu.

[Music starts to play] [Mike and Rebecca start to dance] [Show logo appears which reads “So You Committed A Crime… And You Think You Can Dance”] [Fade to Black]

Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ryan Reynolds: 10/03/09: Deep House Dish



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2












09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

Deep House Dish

DJ Dynasty Handbag…..Kenan Thompson
T’Shane…..Andy Samberg
…..Madonna
…..Lady Gaga
Miss Ice Tia…..Kristen Wiig
Danny McCooz…..Ryan Reynolds

[Techno music is playing in the background. MTV 4 logo appears]

Announcer Voice Over: You are watching MTV 4. The alternative to the alternative. 99% awesome… 100% of the time. Next up Deep House Dish.

[Logo of Deep House Dish appears on screen. Logo Shatters and cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag dancing on a pedestal while T’Shane is sitting on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Welcome to Deep House Dish. The only show devoted to house music and dishing out the latest house and techno music stars. Alright! (Snaps fingers)

[DJ Dynasty Handbag walks back to the couch and sits beside T’Shane]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: And Now! Here with our brand new segment on Deep House called rumour alert is my good friend and co-host T’Shane.

[DJ Dynasty Handbag starts to give multiple high fives with both hands to T’Shane. Camera cuts to T’Shane]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ok T’Shane do your worst.

[T’Shane grabs a hidden mic that was beside him]

T’Shane: Rumour Alert! (T’Shane’s voice echoes in the studio)

[T’Shane smiles and happy about the sound and outcome of the voice effect]

T’Shane: What pop diva told her band to quite eating Freeto’s on the tour bus?

[T’Shane is waiting for someone to answer his question. Camera cuts back to both T’Shane and DJ Dynasty Handbag sitting on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well? What’s! What’s the answer?

T’Shane: Oh I don’t know I just wanted to use the echo mic.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oooo weee T’Shane. You just emberrassed yourself in front of erve’body in our studio erea. OK?

[T’Shane is sad about the embarrassing act. T’Shane picks up the Echo mic]

T’Shane: Ball rat! (T’Shane’s voice echoes in the studio)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Moving on. Our first guest is performing at club quarantine. It used to be a Dollar Treat beside Ricky’s beauty supply on Aferson Drive. Please put your hand me together for Miss Ice Tia.

[Camera cuts to Miss Ice Tia ready to perform her song “Not Good Enough”.]

Miss Ice Tia: (sings)
“I give you my best but my best wasn’t good enough because my best isn’t very good.
I shall be good but my good is oh so bad and not the bad that means good.
My good is bad and my bad is worse another person worse would be so very good for me. So so so very good for me.”

[Miss Ice Tia starts to dance] [Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch clapping at the performance of Miss Ice Tia]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh Oh wee Tia. Bring yourself over to me.

[DJ Dynasty Handbag makes a gesture for Miss Ice Tia to sit beside him on the couch] [Miss Ice Tia site on the couch beside DJ Dynasty Handbag]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tia! Now you have touched so many people’s hearts with this song. What made you write it?

Miss Ice Tia: I wrote d’this because I have MAD low self esteem. So…I don’t think anything of myself and I want to shout it from the roof tops.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I love how up front you are.

Miss Ice Tia: I will not accept that compliment I am a loser HOOLLA!!

T’Shane (with the echo mic:) HOOLLA!!

[T’Shane’s voice echoes in the studio]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Next up. Turn your ears and your eyes towards Danny McCooz singing his hit songs “Status Update”.

[Camera cuts to Danny McCooz between two female dances ready to sing “Status Update”] [Techno music plays while the two female dancers start to dance.]

Danny McCooz:
“Danny McCooz is…
Danny McCooz is…”

[A Facebook status window appears on screen with “Danny McCooz is..” as the status.]

Danny McCooz:
“Danny McCooz is heading to Cosco.
Danny McCooz is everybody chill.
Danny McCooz is happy it’s Friday.
Danny McCooz is keeping it real. “

[Danny McCooz starts to do the Robot Dance.]

Danny McCooz:
“Hid my status update.
Don’t ignore my status update.
Danny McCooz is Molly Ringwold in the 16 Candles quiz.
Danny McCooz likes this.
Danny McCooz is…”

[Techno music stops] [Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch clapping at the performance of Danny McCooz]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OOHHH! OOHHH! Danny you sure is. You sure is. Now here sit down.

[DJ Dynasty Handbag makes a gesture for Danny McCooz to sit beside him on the couch. Miss Ice Tia is no longer on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: And tell us how this song came about.

Danny McCooz: Well I just picked my most interesting facebook status moments and copied them down on paper. Then..uh… DJ friend of mine who owes me money for cocaine put beats to it. I am so blessed.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh you are. You are.. and so are we. Your facebook status should say “Danny McCooz is a mega mega mega mega talent”

Danny McCooz: It does.

T’Shane: Hey peeps! Rumor Alert. What DJ who hosts a house music talk show was seen shopping for Capri pants at Lane Bryant.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: They were for my sister!!

T’Shane: Then why did you try them on?

DJ Dynasty Handbag: My sister and I are built the same. Moving on… Oh my lord I am so excited. So excited. Please give it up. Two exciting entertainers performing together for the very first time. Lady Gaga and Madonna.

[Camera cuts to Lady Gaga and Madonna ready to perform. Techno music starts to play.] [Lady Gaga and Madonna start to dance.]

Lady Gaga: (sings)
“Watch me Work.
What’s wrong Madonna can’t get into the groove”

[Lady Gaga and Madonna continue to dance]

Lady Gaga: I got 5!

[Lady Gaga and Madonna stop dancing and turn to each other] [Madonna sings in Lady Gaga’s direction]

Madonna: (sings)
“Looks like your wig needs a fix…”

[Madonna starts to pull Lady Gaga’s hair. Lady Gaga screams in pain.]

Lady Gaga: No No No.

[Lady Gaga pushes Madonna away. Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch worried about the fight between Lady Gaga and Madonna]

Background singers: You are such a little bitch.

Lady Gaga: “So So So.”

Madonna: What the hell is a Disco stick?

[Madonna reaches for Lady Gaga’s neck and starts to choke her.]

Lady Gaga: “I think you know”.

[Lady Gaga reaches for Madonna’s neck and starts to choke her. They start to fall to the ground. Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: STOP IT!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!! OOOOO Weeeee! Do not make me walk over there and tell you two all about yourself in front of er’vybody in the view er’ea. Get over here.

[The music stops to play. T’Shane has a worried expression on his face]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Stop it! Sit down on the…

[Lady Gaga and Madonna continue to fight while they walk towards the couch]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Sit on the….

[Lady Gaga and Madonna flop on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: You know what?

[DJ Dynasty Handbag stands up and sits between Lady Gaga and Madonna]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I’m going to sit my little pooper between you two so you can behave.

[Lady Gaga goes behind DJ Dynasty Handbag’s back and continues to fight with Madonna]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you to behave!

[Lady Gaga sits up. Madonna sneaks behind DJ Dynasty Handbag’s back and slaps Lady Gaga behind the head.]

Madonna: What did you say?

DJ Dynasty Handbag: STOP IT!!!!!

Lady Gaga: Well We’ll try. Hey! Guess what Madonna. I’m totally hotter than you.

Madonna: Hey guess what.

[Madonna stands up and slaps Lady Gaga behind the head]

Madonna: I’m taller than you. What kind of name is Lady Gaga anyway? It sounds like baby food.

[Madonna sits back down on the couch.]

Lady Gaga: The kind that’s number one on the billboard charts.

[Lady Gaga lunges herself towards Madonna over DJ Dynasty Handbag and continue to fight.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: HEY!!! I said behave Biatches!!!

[DJ Dynasty Handbag stops the fight between Lady Gaga and Madonna]

Madonna: (to DJ Dynasty Handbag:) Biatch! You need to stop interrupting us.

Lady Gaga: Yeah! We’re Pop Icons. RESPECT!

Madonna: Respect!

[Lady Gaga and Madonna give each other a high five] [Camera cuts to T’Shane with a very scared expression on his face.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ah Well. T’Shane doesn’t have as much professionality as me when it comes to his on Air Stress.

[Lady Gaga goes behind DJ Dynasty Handbag’s back and continues to fight with Madonna]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Hey STOP. I want you two to kiss and make up.

[Lady Gaga and Madonna stop fighting.]

Madonna: Hey!

Lady Gaga: Excellent.

Madonna: You made my ring come off.

Lady Gaga: Sorry:

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Kiss each other.

[Lady Gaga and Madonna lean in just in front of DJ Dynasty Handbag’s face to kiss. When Lady Gaga and Madonna are about 2 inches away from each other DJ Dynasty Handbag moves in between them and kiss DJ Dynasty Handbag on the cheek.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OH OH my goodness.

[Lady Gaga and Madonna start to caress and kiss DJ Dynasty Handbag.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am feeling weird things.

[Lady Gaga reaches over and pulls T’Shane to join in.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am feeling weird things. Well that all for Deep House Dish. Cya all.

[Camera slowly zooms out and you seen T’Shane on top of Lady Gaga, Madonna and DJ Dynasty Handbag] [Logo of Deep House Dish appears] [Fade to Black]

Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts