SNL Transcripts: Megan Fox: 09/26/09: Russian Brides

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 1

09a: Megan Fox / U2

Russian Brides

Mr. Colon…..Will Forte
Vlad…..Bill Hader
Katya…..Megan Fox
Svetlana…..Fred Armisen

[ open on building exterior, Moscow, Russia ] [ dissolve to interior room ]

Vlad: How have you found Russia so far, Mr. Colon?

Mr. Colon: Well, it’s a great country, Vlad, I’m having a heck of a time!

Vlad: Yes, yes… Now, let’s get down to business, shall we? You want to find a beautiful Russian bride to take back to America?

Mr. Colon: [ smiling ] That’s why I’m here!

Vlad: Yes. You narrowed down your selection to two women from our online database? [ Mr. ?? nods ] Are you ready to meet them in person, before you make your final choice?

Mr. Colon: [ excited ] Yes, please, I am SO ready!

Vlad: Alright. [ he calls out ] Katya! Svetlana!

[ two women enter the room, one a beautiful, slender model type, the other one little more than a man in a dress and wig ]

Mr. Colon: [ swooning ] I am instantly in love!

Vlad: I thought you might be. Now, before we go any further, I should tell you that Svetlana is slightly cheaper than Katya.

Mr. Colon: [ intrigued ] How much cheaper?

Vlad: Ten dollars.

Mr. Colon: Oh… okay. This is going to be verrry, very hard. Uh, can they understand what we’re saying?

Vlad: No, not at all.

Mr. Colon: Alright, let’s see… [ thinking ] Hmm… Katya has a very beautiful face… she looks young and healthy, and clean…

Vlad: Yes.

Mr. Colon: [ to the point ] But Svetlana is ten dollars cheaper.

Vlad: Yes.

Mr. Colon: Svetlana. It looks like you pulled her out of a drain. Like a shower drain. You know, with hair and dirt and clumps of hardened shampoo.

Vlad: Yes.

Mr. Colon: Mildew, dead skin, just like the oils from the conditioner that have congealed and turned black inside the drain.

Vlad: [ annoyed ] Yes. I am familiar with this drain.

Mr. Colon: But… ten dollars cheaper. Ah, this is tough! I mean, would you mind asking them some questions for me?

Vlad: Yes. Not at all.

Mr. Colon: Katya! What are some of your interests?

[ Vlad translates to Katya, and she answers in Russian ]

Vlad: She says, “Sweing, pleasing my husband, and playing Fantas.”

Mr. Colon: And Svetlana?

[ Vlad translates to Svetlana, and she answers in Russian ]

Vlad: Svetlana has no interests.

Mr. Colon: And which one is cheaper, again?

Vlad: Svetlana.

Mr. Colon: Right. Svetlana. But ten dollars… So, Katya is $60,000, and Svetlana is $59,990.

Vlad: Exactly!

Mr. Colon: Damn! How am I ever going to choose?

Vlad: Perhaps you could ask the ladies to wink at you. Would that help?

Mr. Colon: [ he laughs ] It couldn’t hurt!

[ Vlad translates to the two women, and Katya answers in Russian ]

Vlad: Katya would also like to blow you kisses while she winks.

Mr. Colon: [ pleased ] Great!

[ Svetlana answers in Russian ]

Vlad: And Svetlana cannot wink, only blink.

[ Katya winks and blows a sultry kiss ] [ Svetlana uses all of her might to blink both of her eyes together ]

Mr. Colon: [ impressed ] Wooooww! Wow! [ he catches his breath ] So, basically, it’s a choice between Katya… or this one and ten dollars.

Vlad: Yes.

Mr. Colon: Okay. Guilty pleasures?

[ Vlad translates to the two women: Katya answers in Russian as Svetlana pokes herself in the arm ]

Vlad: Katya: oral sex; Svetlana: heroin.

[ Svetlana speaks in Russian ]

Vlad: Svetlana would like to show her “talent” to you.

Mr. Colon: [ intrigued ] Oh! Great! I would love that!

[ Svetlana starts jerking her body awkwardly and sings Madonna’s “Into The Groove” ]

Mr. Colon: Hmmmm… still not convinced either way. One more question. Okay. Have either of them been married?

[ Vlad translates to the two women ]

Katya: Nyet!

Vlad: Katya: no.

[ Svetlana speaks in Russian ]

Vlad: Svetlana was married a long time… he was love of her life… Unfortunately, she suspected that he was cheating on her, so, in his sleep, she KILLED him with her fists… before she realized that it was her own lipstick she found on his neck… But it was far too late — he was dead.

Mr. Colon: Wow… I guess it’s pretty clear who the right choice for me is. [ anxxiously ] Which one is cheaper, again?

Everyone: Svetlana!!

[ cut to building exterior ]

Mr. Colon v/O: Oh! This is so HARD!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Megan Fox: 09/26/09: Flight Attendants

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 1

09a: Megan Fox / U2

Flight Attendants

Female Passenger…..Abby Elliott
Male Passenger…..Andy Samberg
Flight Attendant #1…..Kristen Wiig
Flight Attendant #2…..Megan Fox
Voice of Pilot…..Bill Hader
Other Passengers…..Bobby Moynihan, Nasim Pedrad, Jenny Slate, John Lutz, Hannibal Buress, Ryan Perez, Christine Nangle

[ open on stock footage of airplane flying through the air ] [ dissolve to interior, passengers in their seats ]

Female Passenger: I cannot believe our vacation is over!

Male Passenger: I know. Now we have to go back home to Hawaii.

[ she rolls her eyes at him, as the two Flight Attendants enter from the cabin and grab PA mikes ]

Flight Attendant #1: [ in a twangy southern voice ] Ladies and gentlemen… would you just stay seated, with your seatbelts fastened?

Flight Attendant #2: [ in an equally twangy southern voice ] It’s gonna be a bumpy ride for a little bit — okay?

Flight Attendant #1: Okay? Thank yeeeeewwww!

[ they retreat to the cabin ]

Female Passenger: We’d better buckle up.

[ everyone buckles up, as Flight Attendant #1 returns to the PA ]

Flight Attendant #1: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s me again. The pilot just informed me that we are headed for some suh-vere turbulence. Okaaaay? He said it’s gonna be really bad. So just stay seated with your belts buckled, ’cause he said this is gonna be terrible.

[ she retreats to the cabin ]

Male Passenger: Wait… wait a minute. What did she say?

Female Passenger: [ nervous ] Yeah. That didn’t sound so good.

[ Flight Attendant #2 returns to the PA ]

Flight Attendant #2: Uh, folks? I did want to let you know that your oxygen masks will be released from above you, okaaay? Do not panic — the pilot is scared.

[ she retreats to the cabin ] [ the passengers look at one another with mild panic, as Flight Attendant #1 returns to the PA ]

Flight Attendant #1: Everyone, everyone, please — I did just speak with the pilot, and he said he’s gonna do his very best… to stay in control of the plane. Okaay? But, if he doesn’t, you canNOT act crazy!

[ she retreats to the cabin, with a quick smile back ] [ the passengers steadily grow worried, unsure of what is going on ] [ Flight Attendant #2 returns to the PA ]

Flight Attendant #2: Uh, ladies and gentlemen — we have decided to land in the oceaaan.

[ she retreats to the cabin ]

Male Passenger: What?!

Female Passenger: The ocean?!

[ Flight Attendant #1 returns to the PA ]

Flight Attendant #1: Okay, folks! Folks, folks! Please calm down! We have decided NOT to land in the ocean. Okay? We have spoken with our control tower, and, apparently… the force of these winds are just gonna end up ripping the plane into different parts — okaaay? — before we land. Okay? So just make sure all your items are neatly stowed beneath you, uh, just in case the plane does… rip in half… you will have your items with yeeew… on your half.

[ she retreats to the cabin ] [ the passengers are now visibly panicked ]

Female Passenger: You’re not supposed to say that..!

[ Flight Attendant #2 returns to the PA ]

Flight Attendant #2: Ladies and gnetlemen… [ she sighs ] You’re not gonna like this… but… I just checked, and… we are all out of terra blue chips. So…

[ she retreats to the cabin ] [ the passengers are incredulous at this lack of priority ] [ Flight Attendant #1 returns to the PA ]

Flight Attendant #1: Ladies and gentlemen! I know, I know — there are no chips. I know. Listen, you really need to calm down, okay? Because the pilot… is in the cockpit… and he is crying… and freaking out, and… screaming, and shaking. Okay? He just got sick… on some of his buttons. Okay? So I’m gonna need y’all to be my strong bunch. [ she grins ] Okay? I’m gonna see if I can sneak you guys some pretzels!

[ she retreats to the cabin ] [ the passengers argue amongst themselves about the misplaced priority regarding the pretzels ] [ Flight Attendants #1 and #2 returns to the PA at the same time ]

Together: Okay, ladies and gentlemen — [ they express shock and talk over themselves ] Oh, my God..! Yew came out at the same time..? What the heck are we doing..? I can’t believe we did that..!

Male Passenger: [ interrupting ] Hey! Hey! What the hell’s happening? This isn’t funny.

Flight Attendant #2: No, sir. You’re right, this is not funny. But, you know what is? The show “Monk”.

Flight Attendant #1: [ amused ] Oh, my gosh! You do NOT stop talking about “Monk”, starring Tony Shaloub! I’m gonna have to start calling you Rhonda “Monk” Wilson!

Flight Attendant #2: What?! Why?! Who’s that?!

Flight Attendant #1: It’s yeew! Yew love “Monk”!

Flight Attendant #2: But mah name’s not Rhonda Wilson! It’s Carla — Carla Gillepsie! I don’t get it!

Flight Attendant #1: I mean, what’s to get?! I gave you a new name, with “Monk” in the middle! You love “Monk”!

Flight Attendant #2: So?! Why do I need a new name with my favorite TV show in the middle of it?!

Flight Attendant #1: I was trying something! I made a mistake!

Female Passenger: Okay, excuse me? Ladies!

Male Passenger: Ladies!

Female Passenger: Can you please just tell us what’s going on?!

[ the other passengers join in the chorus ]

Flight Attendant #1: Okay… okay… ladies and gentlemen… ladies and gentlemen… okay, here is the update — please. What is happening is this: Carla and I are fighting… because I put “Monk” in the middle of her name, and that wasn’t her —

Male Passenger: That’s not what we’re talking about!

Female Passenger: That’s not what we’re talking about! What’s wrong with the plane? Are we gonna die?!

Flight Attendant #1: Ma’am… from what I do know about these things… it does depend on where you’re sitting. But I don’t know. I don’t know. [ she glances to the passenger across the aisle and whispers ] You guys are fine… you guys are fine.

[ the other passengers can her this, and start arguing about it ]

Voice of Pilot: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is your Captain speaking. Looks like we’re going to attempt a landing. However, we’re almost out of fuel, annnnd the landing gear’s not going to be down.

[ there’s a delayed reaction as the passengers loudly panic ]

Flight Attendant #2: Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen, please do not panic. We’re just gonna glide right on in!

Flight Attendant #1: Uh, at about 700 miles per hour. You know what? But don’t worry, we’re gonna ask for some pat.

Flight Attendant #2: And foam!

Flight Attendant #1: Okay, you know what? I’m gonna get you guys those pretzels. I’m gonna get those pretzels!

[ they retreat into the cabin ]

Female Passenger: We don’t want pretzels!!

[ more panic and unrest, as the camera pulls back ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts