SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 1: 09/17/09: Joint Address To Congress

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 1

Joint Address To Congress

Mitch McConnell…..Jason Sudeikis
Eric Cantor…..Fred Armisen
Pat Roberts…..Bill Hader
Michele Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Joe Wilson…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Congress, night ] [ SUPER: “Joint Address To Congress, September 9, 2009” ] [ SUPER: “Senate Meeting Room, Republican Caucus” ] [ dissolve to interior ]

Mitch McConnell: Okay, alright. Now, are we all here? Okay? Because Obama’s address starts in five minutes.

[ everyone nods in agreement ]

Eric Cantor: Are we really doing this?

Mitch McConnell: Yes! Yes, we are. Now, you see, the President has been glossing over the facts of his health care plan ALL summer. This live address is our chance to make our descent heard. Now, we have the text of the address right here, okay? [ he holds up a folder ] Now, if you look here, you’ll see… somewhere in the middle… oh, here it is! Okay. He is gonna say this: “The reforms I’m proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally.” Okay? Now, when he SAYS that — ALL of you — all at once — together — are gonna yell: “YOU LIE!!”

[ everyone nods in agreement ]

Okay, good. This is gonna be good! That’ll send a message to him. [ Sen. Roberts motions ] Uh, yes. Senator Roberts.

Pat Roberts: I’m just worried this might come off as a major breach of Congressional decorum.

Mitch McConnell: Mmm-hmm. Now, normally, I would agree. I mean, if only one guy yelled, “You lie!” I imagine they would call him out on it. But, all of us? [ he chuckles ] You know! Remember school? If we all do it, we can’t get in trouble? I mean, it’s been a long time for some of us, right! [ Bachmann raises her hand ] So — yes! Representative Bachmann.

Michele Bachmann: How about we yell… “You lie, you freedom-hating, secret half-Muslim!” [ she beams proudly ]

Mitch McConnell: You know… I think, just “You lie!” will send a message. Yeah. Alright, let’s practice! alright? Now, someone has to be Obama. Who here can do an Obama?

[ all eyes turn to Cantor ]

Eric Cantor: [ raising his hand ] I can.

[ the audience laughs in recognition ]

Mitch McConnell: Really? Okay, that’s great! Okay, uhhh — here you go, right there. [ he shows Cantor the speech ] Just read right there, there you go.

Eric Cantor: [ reading as Obama ] “Uhhh… uhhh… it would not apply… to those who are here illegally.”

Mitch McConnell: [ whispering ] 1… 2… 3…

Everyone: YOU LIIIIIEEE!!!

Mitch McConnell: Aw, that was terrific! [ they applaud themselves ] Good yelling! Real good yell! Yeah, that’ll do it!

Joe Wilson: Eh — excuse me?

Mitch McConnell: Uh, yeah. Congressman Joe Wilson.

Joe Wilson: Yeah. If there’s nothing else, I’m just gonna duck into the bathroom for a moment.

Mitch McConnell: Okay, we’ll see you on the floor!

Joe Wilson: See you on the floor. [ he exits ]

Mitch McConnell: Alright! There he goes! Okay, gang — we’ve got showtime!

Pat Roberts: Alright!

[ they all proceed to exit to the floor ]

Eric Cantor: Hold on, hold on! [ everyone stops ] I’m starting to have, uh, second thoughts about this.

Mitch McConnell: [ thinking ] You know what? You may be right. Let’s not do it. You know, all of a sudden, I’m realizing we could come off VERY badly! Okay? So we’re all in agreement? [ they all nod ] We’re NOT doing it! Nobody’s doing it! Nobody’s doing it! Everybody hear that? Nobody! Good? You’re gonna be quiet? Good listtle listeners? [ they all agree ] Good! Let’s get out there, come on!

[ they all exit to the floor ] [ dissolve to exterior, Congress ]

Joe Wilson V/O: YOU LIE!!

[ the sound of boos can be heard ] [ SUPER: “One Hour Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, as the Republicans re-enter ]

Joe Wilson: You guuuuys!! McConnell! Cantor! What the heck?! We were all gonna do it! And you didn’t do it!

Mitch McConnell: Oh, I know. Sorry about that, Joe, uh — we forgot you went to the bathroom.

Joe Wilson: You guys! That didn’t feel good out there! Now, be honest with me: Do you think a lot of people heard me yelling?

[ everyone tries not to give an honest, brutal answer ]

Joe Wilson: [ desperately ] I-I-I mean, a lot of it was drowned out, right? When people were booing Obama?

Pat Roberts: I think they might have been booing you, Joe!

Joe Wilson: Aww! Oh, God! This is gonna come off real bad! RE-EAL bad!

Mitch McConnell: Now, now — not necessarily, Joe. I mean, let’s think about this, alright? Now, where are you from?

Joe Wilson: South Carolina.

[ the room reacts ]

Pat Roberts: Yikes!

Mitch McConnell: Hey, hey. everybody! Now, calm down! Calm down! That is not the WORST answer, okay! Mississippi would have been the WORST answer! Alright? Mississippi. We all agree.

Joe Wilson: Ohhhhhh, HOT CORN!! People are gonna remember this thing! Now, I don’t know if you know this about me, but… I’m not known for any… other… thing!

Mitch McConnell: Okay, well, now, come on!

Joe Wilson: NOTHING!

Mitch McConnell: No! Joe! Joe, there’s gotta be some legislation you championed! I mean, SOME cause!

Joe Wilson: There was one.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah?

Pat Roberts: What was it?

Joe Wilson: [ meekly ] Protecting the Confederate flag.

Mitch McConnell: Oh, boy… That’s worse than Mississippi. That’s a bad one.

Joe Wilson: [ crying ] You guys! McConnell! Cantor! You’ll stand by me, right? I mean, you’ll explain how we were all gonna do it, except I went to the john? [ everyone tries to keep their distance ] I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS?!!

Mitch McConnell: Okay, look — you don’t worry. Okay? You do NOT worry! Here’s what you’re gonna do, alright? Now, you apologize once to the President, alright? And, if anyone asks you to do it again… you look ’em right in the face, and you say: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Betty White: 05/08/10: An SNL Digital Short

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 21

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09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

An SNL Digital Short

…..Betty White
…..Andy Samberg
…..Fred Armisen
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Abby Elliott
…..Will Forte
…..Tina Fey
…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Bill Hader
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Molly Shannon
…..Jenny Slate
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Kristen Wiig


[ Andy escorts Betty to a single chair in an all-white colored studio. ]

Andy Samberg: Right this way…

Betty White: Where are we going?

Andy Samberg: Just have a seat right here.

Betty White: Okay.

[ Betty sits down. ]

Andy Samberg: Betty — you’ve given us so many memorable memories over the years. This one’s for you!

[ Andrew Gold’s THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND from “The Golden Girls” begins. ]

Maya Rudolph: [singing]
“Thank you for being a friend.”

Fred Armisen, Molly Shannon, Kristen Wiig: [singing]“Traveled down the road and back again.”

Nasim Pedrad: [singing]“Your heart is true.”

Tina Fey, Bobby Moynihan, Jason Sudeikis: [singing]“You’re a pal and a confidante.”

[ Betty chuckles in delight. ]

Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler: [singing]“And if you threw a party.”

Jenny Slate, Kenan Thompson: [singing]“And invited everyone you knew.”

Betty White: Oh! I love it!

Will Forte, Ana Gasteyer: [singing]“You would see the biggest gift would be from me.”

Abby Elliott, Bill Hader: [singing]“And the card attached would say…”

All: [singing]“Thank You for Being a Friend!”

Betty White: Oh, that was just lovely! But I think I prefer my version…

[ Betty dons a ski mask. She pops out of her chair with a microphone. ]

Betty White: 1, 2, 3, 4!!!

[ A hardcore, heavy metal version of THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND plays. Several biker boys are throwing down a mad mosh pit. Betty simulating humping on one of the bikers. The “SNL” cast is horrified and/or stunned. Betty smashes a 2 x 4 against one of the bikers, who spews blood on Nasim. Two of the bikers tackle Andy. Jason pulls out his iPhone to snap a photo. Everyone else seems to engage in a fist fight. An out-of-breath Betty pops a seat and removes her ski mask. ]

Betty White: Happy Mother’s Day, Motherfuckers!


Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts