SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Preniva



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22










09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Preniva

Sally Field…..Abby Elliott

[ open on Sally Field seated on couch ]

Sally Field: Hi, I’m Sally Field. I want to talk to you about a problem that lots of women face: Bone Loss. Even if you don’t have it now, no matter what age you are, ALL women are inherently weak and very fragile!

[ Sally stands next to a skeleton ]

Sally Field: You get this ONE body! And this ONE life! You have to take care of this now.

[ she rests her hand on the skeleton’s shoulder, causing it to collapse and shatter at her feet ]

Sally Field: Are ya’ bummed yet? That’s why there’s Preniva. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with you to take Preniva. You just have to be scared — which you should be.

Preniva makes sure you’ll be able to keep doing your favorite, everyday, low-impact activities. Like doing yoga! Spritzing your plant! Fanning out your magazines! Swallowing pills for other things your doctor scared you with! And having bangs! [ she smiles at her demonstration ]

Preniva won’t solve all your problems — you’ll always be a woman.

[ cut to Sally seated next to a stacked Jenga tower ]

Sally Field: This is the average woman’s spine. And this is your spine without Preniva: [ she pulls a peg from the bottom, causing the tower to topple ] I’m not fucking around, you guys!

[ cut to product logo ]

Announcer: Preniva. Your weakness is our strength.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Scrotox



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22








09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Scrotox

Spokesperson…..Alec Baldwin
Guy #1…..Bill Hader
Guy#2…..Fred Armisen
Guy#3…..Jason Sudeikis
Nurse…..Jenny Slate
Announcer…..Steve Higgins
Girlfriend…..Abby Elliott

FADE IN:

[ Three MEN all sit next to each other. ]

Guy #1: Fine lines and wrinkles…

Guy #2: …deep furrows and creases…

Guy #3: …sagging skin and looseness…

[ A SPOKESPERSON comes in. ]

Spokesperson: Women aren’t the only ones who want smooth skin – men do too. If sagging skin and wrinkles are holding you back, maybe it’s time you try Scrotox.

[ SUPER: SCROTOX (scrotabotulismtoxina) ]

Guy #1: Scrotox? What’s that?

Spokesman: Scrotox is nothing more than a botulism toxin that we shoot straight into your scrotum.

Guy #2: How does it work?

[ COMPUTER ANIMATION of a male human body appears. It scans down to the testicles. ]

Spokesperson (V/O): Scrotox plumps and tightens a man’s unsightly skin down there.

[ The animation shows the testicles are dark purple and wrinkled. ]

Spokesperson: Aren’t you ready for your prunes to become plums?

[ Time-lapse footage shows two shriveled plums between a large Tootsie Roll on a plate becoming ripe. ]

Spokesperson: Now that’s what I call a smooth set of luggage.

[ All the men laugh. ]

Guy #2: Will I lose feeling down there?

Spokesperson: Oh definitely! It’s poison, but your gents will be ready for their close-up.

[ A NURSE injects a syringe of Scrotox into the center of a shriveled plum. The men squirm, but all smile after seeing the plum ripen. ]

Announcer (V/O): Ask your doctor about Scrotox. Discomfort is usually minimal and brief… but it’s not.

[ EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO – SUNSET ]

[ Guy #1 is having a candlelit dinner with his GIRLFRIEND. ]

Girlfriend: Something’s different about you… but I like it.

[ Guy #1 faces the camera. ]

Guy #1: Thanks, Scrotox.

[ SUPER: SCROTOX (scrotabotulismtoxina) ]

Spokesperson: Scrotox – You shoot it straight into your balls.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts