Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 35: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 3rd, 2009 Ryan Reynolds Lady Gaga None Elijah Wood Scarlett Johansson Madonna Darrell Hammond Lorne Michaels Bryan Tucker
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) admits that he hasn’t accomplished a damn thing since taking office in January. Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama. Transcript
Montage
Ryan Reynolds’ MonologueSummary: Ryan Reynolds outlines the difference between a superhero movie and a romantic comedy. Transcript
Mostly GarbageSummary: In these hard, economic times, dog lover (Jason Sudeikis) sets his priorities straight by serving bagged garbage to his canine pal. Note: This filmed parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal. Transcript
Family FeudSummary: In an old episode of “Family Feud” on GSN, the Osmond Family competes against the Phillips Family, with John (Bill Hader) and MacKenzie (Kristen Wiig) trying to keep their incestuous relationship a secret from Richard Dawson (Jason Sudeikis). Recurring Characters: Richard Dawson, Donny Osmond, Marie Osmond. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg raps about throwing various objects “On The Ground”. Transcript
Porcelain FountainsSummary: Buy a porcelain fountain from Mike (Fred Armisen) to add that extra touch of class to your mundane daily activities. Recurring Characters: Mike, Lexie. Transcript
Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to dish on the club music scene with co-host T’Shane (Andy Samberg), featuring Lady Gaga and Madonna performing together for the first time. Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, T’Shane. Transcript
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) comments on Roman Polanski. Charles Barkley comments on the 60th anniversary of Red China. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) sits idly by as his wife (Nasim Pedrad) rambles on and on about the excitement of being in New York and being married to a pussy dictator. Recurring Characters: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charles Barkley, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
So You Committed A Crime… And You Think You Can Dance?Summary: A group of convicted criminals (Will Forte, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson) are paired off with dancers (Kristin Wiig, Nasim Pedrad, Jenny Slate) and a good time is had by all. Recurring Characters: Kevin Federline, Nathan Lane, Nancy Grace, Phil Spector. Transcript
International MasterworksSummary: Norwegian actors perform a scene from an American cop drama without losing their thick accents. Transcript
Lady Gaga performs “Lovegame/Poker Face”
FashionSummary: Ready to go to the afterparty, Andy Samberg is embarrassed to discover that he’s dressed in the same set of clear balloons as Lady Gaga. Transcript
So You Committed A Crime… And You Think You Can Dance?
Kevin Federline…..Andy Samberg Nathan Lane…..Bobby Moynihan Nancy Grace…..Abby Elliott Phil Spector…..Bill Hader Dixon Carrothers…..Ryan Reynolds Joseph Corey Wayne…..Will Forte Lea…..Nasim Pedrad Owen Schecter…..Fred Armisen Casey…..Kristen Wiig Sergeant Tim Grasser…..Jason Sudeikis Mike Pots…..Kenan Thompson Rebecca…..Jenny Slate
[TruTV logo appears with a yellow background. Logo reads truTV Not Reality. Actuality]
Announcer: Youre watching TruTV real life show that make you feel bad. Coming up at nine. Forensic Files but first the all new reality series So You Committed a Crime And You Think You Can Dance?
[Screen cuts to court room judge bench with 3 judges behind the podium.]
Announcer: Its so you committed a crime and you think you can dance.
[Show logo appears which reads So You Committed A Crime… And You Think You Can Dance]
Announcer: With your host Kevin Federline.
[Kevin Federline is overweight and runs to center stage.]
Kevin Federline: Yo! Yo! Welcome to the show. Im Kevin Federline . And I got super fat. Alright lets say word up to our judges. First from Broadway hes probably in Shrek… Nathan Lane.
[Camera cuts to Nathan Lane]
Nathan Lane: I can see whats happening
Kevin Federline: NO!!!
[Nathan Lane stops singing. Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]
Kevin Federline: Next! You know her from CNN she never stops talking and she is always wrong… Nancy Grace.
[Camera cuts to Nancy Grace]
Nancy Grace: This show is disgusting.
[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]
Kevin Federline: Finally. He is a music legend and he is a murderer. Here on special release. Phil Spector.
[Camera cuts to Phil Spector. Phil Spector is making a menacing look to the camera and not moving]
[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]
Kevin Federline: Yeah! Thats my boy right there. Yeah! Now before we start, give it up for our world renowned choreographer from Australia Dixon Carrothers.
[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers who is wearing a silk muscle shirt with a silk tie.]
Dixon Carrothers: Thank You Kevin. When uh.. I agreed to do this show I definitely did not fully understand the premise. That said Im very excited.
[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]
Kevin Federline: Remember when I made an album? Ok our first contestant definitely committed a crime but can he dance? He is currently serving 16 years at the Millers Ville state penitentiary.
[Camera cuts to Joseph Corey Wayne wearing an orange prison jump suit beside Lea. Joseph Corey Wayne is staring at Lea sexually. Lea is very uncomfortable that Joseph Corey Wayne is staring at her.]
Kevin Federline: I dont know what he did but he looks like a sex offender.
[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]
Kevin Federline: Say hello to Joseph Corey Wayne. Lets take a quick peek at his rehearsal.
[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers in a dance classroom]
Dixon Carrothers: For Joseph we figured keep it simple.
[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers at the head of the class teaching Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne part of the choreography. Dixon Carrothers and Lea are the only one dancing. Joseph Corey Wayne is staring at Lea who tries to follow Dixon Carrothers dance moves.]
[Camera cuts to Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne. Lea is continuing to dance with Dixon Carrothers while Joseph Corey Wayne is not moving and only staring at Leas body]
[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline in the courtroom with the 3 judges.]
Kevin Federline: Alright yall. Give it up for Joseph Corey Wayne and Lea!.
[Camera cuts to Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne in the courtroom ballroom. Joseph Corey Wayne is still wearing an orange prison jump suit. Lea is wearing a pink ballroom gown.]
[Funky music starts to play. Lea starts to perform choreograph moves. Joseph Corey Wayne tries to stay by Leas side by walking. When Joseph Corey Wayne gets too close to Lea she is disturbed that he is getting closer and dances away. Joseph Corey Wayne walking like a zombie tries to catch up with Lea. Lea strikes a pose and the music stops. Joseph Corey Wayne walks over and starts to rum Leas arms while she stays in the finishing pose. Lea is very disgusted by Joseph Corey Wayne touching her.]
[Kevin Federline applauds and starts to walk towards center stage beside Lea and Joseph Corey Wayne].
Kevin Federline: Alright. Yeah Yeah Yeah. That was fresh. Lets see what the judges thought.
[Camera cuts to the Nathan Lane, Nancy Grace and Phil Spector behind the judging desk.]
[All of the judges show there score card. Nathan Lane is showing a 6, Nancy Grace is showing a 7 and Phil Spector is showing a 6]
[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]
Kevin Federline: Yo add those up Joseph and you got an 82.
[The stage producer comes from off camera to whisper something in Kevin Federlines ear.]
Kevin Federline: 19! Our next dancer is the miggidy miggidy mack of white collar crime.
[Camera cuts to Owen Schecter looks to be a grey haired 70 year old man and Casey]
Kevin Federline: He loves sailing and he will most definitely die in jail. Meet Owen Schecter.
[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline]
Kevin Federline: Lets see Owens rehearsal.
[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers in a dance classroom]
Dixon Carrothers: Owen was a great student but he was hampered by a relentless desire to escape.
[Camera cuts to Owen Schecter and Casey practicing the choreograph routine]
Dixon Carrothers: Up and Up and Up.
[Owen Schecter starts to dance towards a door marked EXIT]
Dixon Carrothers: Up and Up and Up
[Owen Schecter attempts to open the door but a police officer enters the scene and pushes Owen Schecter away from the door marked EXIT]
Dixon Carrothers: And come back to the party. And Up and Up.
[Camera cuts a wall with two windows in the dance classroom.]
Dixon Carrothers: Back at it again. Got It! Beautiful Work
[Casey starts to spin Owen Schecter towards her then away from her. As Owen Schecter moves away from Casey, he heads towards a window and tries to open it up. Dixon Carrothers holds Owen while the police officer moves from off camera towards Owen and pushes him away from the window. Owen continues to dance towards Casey like as if nothing happened.]
[Camera cuts to the Police Officer who has a serious look on his face. He never takes his eyes off Owen.]
[Camera cuts back to Owen and Casey dancing beside the windows again. Owen starts to dance towards the same window he tried to escape from before but the police office put his arm I Owens way. Owen then starts to dance back towards Casey]
Dixon Carrothers: There it is. There it is.
[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline in the courtroom with the 3 judges.]
Kevin Federline: Alright. Put your hand together for Owen, Casey and Sergeant Tim Grasser.
[Camera cuts to Owen, Casey and Sergeant Tim Grasser. Sergeant Tim Grasser is between Owen and Casey. Owen is handcuffed to Sergeant Tim Grasser. Sergeant Tim Grasser is starring at Owen.
[Dance Music starts to play]
[Owen and Casey start to perform the choreograph moves while Owen is still handcuffed to Sergeant Tim Grasser. Sergeant Tim Grasser never takes his eyes off of Owen.]
[Owen spins Casey into his arms. While Sergeant Tim Grasser is still hand cuffed to Owen, Sergeant Tim Grassers hand lands on Caseys breast as Casey and Owen pose when the music stops.]
[Kevin Federline applauds and walks towards center stage]
Kevin Federline: Nice. Nice. That was tight. Alright judges what do you think about that?
[Camera cuts to the 3 judges.]
[All of the judges show there score card. Nathan Lane is showing a 3, Nancy Grace is showing a 3 and Phil Spector is showing a 6]
Kevin Federline: Alright add it up and thats …. eh… 12?
[Kevin Federline looks to his on floor producer for confirmation that the score is 12]
[Kevin Federline is happy that the score is 12]
Kevin Federline: Cool. Our last contestant hails from the super max facility in Florence Colorado.
[Camera cuts to Mike Pots and Rebecca]
Kevin Federline V/O: He is known as the mayor of death row and he straight up ate a prison guard. Dont look at him in the eyes but do show him some love Mike Pots.
[Camera cuts to Kevin Federline]
Kevin Federline: Lets check out Mikes rehearsal
[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers in a dance classroom]
Dixon Carrothers: Mike was a big challenge for me because Mike… doesnt like to be touched.
[Camera cuts to Dixon Carrothers in a dance classroom instructing Mike and Women 1dance moves. A Police office is beside Rebecca watching Mike]
Dixon Carrothers: Thrust Two three. Thats very good Mike.
[Dixon Carrothers walks beside Mike and genlty puts his hands on Mike shoulder in order to be positioned properly. As soon as Dixon Carrothers hands touch Mike shoulders Mike yells out and starts to bark and trying to attack Dixon Carrothers. Dixon Carrothers runs for cover as the police officer runs over and holds Mike back. Rebecca is very sacred.]
[Camera cuts to Mike sitting in a corner day dreaming and rubbing his own arms. Dixon Carrothers is sitting be side him and puts his hand on his shoulder to comfort Mike.]
Dixon Carrothers: Youre Ok. Youre Ok.
[Mike looks as Dixon Carrothers hand on his should then grabs his hand and pulls Dixon Carrothers forearm to his mouth and bites Dixon Carrothers.]
[Dixon Carrothers in pain looks at the police officer]
Dixon Carrothers: Jeff hes biting me.
[The police officer runs over and tries to pull Dixon Carrothers arm away from Mikes mouth]
Dixon Carrothers: Jeff, JEFF…. Jeff use your gun.
[Mike is trying to bite Dixon Carrothers arm harder then before]
Dixon Carrothers: USE YOUR GUN JEFF!! FOR (BLEEP) SAKES.
[Camera cuts back to Kevin Federline in the courtroom with the 3 judges.]
Kevin Federline: Alright I guess were doing this. Here comes Mike and Rebecca.
[Camera cuts to Mike and Rebecca. Mike is posing with his arms crossed and Rebecca is posing ready to dance.]
[Rag time music starts to play]
[Mike and Rebecca are dancing and following the choreography perfectly.]
[Mike and Rebecca finish dancing and strike a final dance pose. Music stops.]
[Kevin Federline applauds and walks towards center stage]
Kevin Federline: Ok very unexpected. Judges…
[Camera cuts to the 3 judges.]
[All of the judges show there score card. Nathan Lane is showing a 9, Nancy Grace is showing a 10 and Phil Spector is showing a 7. Nathan Lane and Nancy Grace nod in agreement]
Kevin Federline (V/O): Yo! I think we got ourselves a winner.
[Camera cuts to Kevin Federline, Mike and Rebecca]
Kevin Federline: Mike Pots you are a free man.
[Mike Pots and Rebecca are very happy about the outcome. The stage producer comes and whispers something in Kevin Federlines ear then moves off camera]
Kevin Federline: Ok never mind. Mike Pots you are still on death row.
[Mike Pots looks disappointed]
Kevin Federline: Alright thats our show. Until next time. Im K Fed saying Yes… I will see the dessert menu.
[Music starts to play]
[Mike and Rebecca start to dance]
[Show logo appears which reads So You Committed A Crime… And You Think You Can Dance]
DJ Dynasty Handbag…..Kenan Thompson TShane…..Andy Samberg …..Madonna …..Lady Gaga Miss Ice Tia…..Kristen Wiig Danny McCooz…..Ryan Reynolds
[Techno music is playing in the background. MTV 4 logo appears]
Announcer Voice Over: You are watching MTV 4. The alternative to the alternative. 99% awesome… 100% of the time. Next up Deep House Dish.
[Logo of Deep House Dish appears on screen. Logo Shatters and cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag dancing on a pedestal while TShane is sitting on the couch.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Welcome to Deep House Dish. The only show devoted to house music and dishing out the latest house and techno music stars. Alright! (Snaps fingers)
[DJ Dynasty Handbag walks back to the couch and sits beside TShane]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: And Now! Here with our brand new segment on Deep House called rumour alert is my good friend and co-host TShane.
[DJ Dynasty Handbag starts to give multiple high fives with both hands to TShane. Camera cuts to TShane]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ok TShane do your worst.
[TShane grabs a hidden mic that was beside him]
TShane: Rumour Alert! (TShanes voice echoes in the studio)
[TShane smiles and happy about the sound and outcome of the voice effect]
TShane: What pop diva told her band to quite eating Freetos on the tour bus?
[TShane is waiting for someone to answer his question. Camera cuts back to both TShane and DJ Dynasty Handbag sitting on the couch.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well? Whats! Whats the answer?
TShane: Oh I dont know I just wanted to use the echo mic.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oooo weee TShane. You just emberrassed yourself in front of ervebody in our studio erea. OK?
[TShane is sad about the embarrassing act. TShane picks up the Echo mic]
TShane: Ball rat! (TShanes voice echoes in the studio)
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Moving on. Our first guest is performing at club quarantine. It used to be a Dollar Treat beside Rickys beauty supply on Aferson Drive. Please put your hand me together for Miss Ice Tia.
[Camera cuts to Miss Ice Tia ready to perform her song Not Good Enough.]
Miss Ice Tia: (sings) I give you my best but my best wasnt good enough because my best isnt very good. I shall be good but my good is oh so bad and not the bad that means good. My good is bad and my bad is worse another person worse would be so very good for me. So so so very good for me.
[Miss Ice Tia starts to dance]
[Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and TShane on the couch clapping at the performance of Miss Ice Tia]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh Oh wee Tia. Bring yourself over to me.
[DJ Dynasty Handbag makes a gesture for Miss Ice Tia to sit beside him on the couch]
[Miss Ice Tia site on the couch beside DJ Dynasty Handbag]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tia! Now you have touched so many peoples hearts with this song. What made you write it?
Miss Ice Tia: I wrote dthis because I have MAD low self esteem. So…I dont think anything of myself and I want to shout it from the roof tops.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I love how up front you are.
Miss Ice Tia: I will not accept that compliment I am a loser HOOLLA!!
TShane (with the echo mic:) HOOLLA!!
[TShanes voice echoes in the studio]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Next up. Turn your ears and your eyes towards Danny McCooz singing his hit songs Status Update.
[Camera cuts to Danny McCooz between two female dances ready to sing Status Update]
[Techno music plays while the two female dancers start to dance.]
Danny McCooz: Danny McCooz is… Danny McCooz is…
[A Facebook status window appears on screen with Danny McCooz is.. as the status.]
Danny McCooz: Danny McCooz is heading to Cosco. Danny McCooz is everybody chill. Danny McCooz is happy its Friday. Danny McCooz is keeping it real. “
[Danny McCooz starts to do the Robot Dance.]
Danny McCooz: Hid my status update. Dont ignore my status update. Danny McCooz is Molly Ringwold in the 16 Candles quiz. Danny McCooz likes this. Danny McCooz is…
[Techno music stops]
[Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and TShane on the couch clapping at the performance of Danny McCooz]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: OOHHH! OOHHH! Danny you sure is. You sure is. Now here sit down.
[DJ Dynasty Handbag makes a gesture for Danny McCooz to sit beside him on the couch. Miss Ice Tia is no longer on the couch.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: And tell us how this song came about.
Danny McCooz: Well I just picked my most interesting facebook status moments and copied them down on paper. Then..uh… DJ friend of mine who owes me money for cocaine put beats to it. I am so blessed.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh you are. You are.. and so are we. Your facebook status should say Danny McCooz is a mega mega mega mega talent
Danny McCooz: It does.
TShane: Hey peeps! Rumor Alert. What DJ who hosts a house music talk show was seen shopping for Capri pants at Lane Bryant.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: They were for my sister!!
TShane: Then why did you try them on?
DJ Dynasty Handbag: My sister and I are built the same. Moving on… Oh my lord I am so excited. So excited. Please give it up. Two exciting entertainers performing together for the very first time. Lady Gaga and Madonna.
[Camera cuts to Lady Gaga and Madonna ready to perform. Techno music starts to play.]
[Lady Gaga and Madonna start to dance.]
Lady Gaga: (sings) Watch me Work. Whats wrong Madonna cant get into the groove
[Lady Gaga and Madonna continue to dance]
Lady Gaga: I got 5!
[Lady Gaga and Madonna stop dancing and turn to each other]
[Madonna sings in Lady Gagas direction]
Madonna: (sings) Looks like your wig needs a fix…
[Madonna starts to pull Lady Gagas hair. Lady Gaga screams in pain.]
Lady Gaga: No No No.
[Lady Gaga pushes Madonna away. Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and TShane on the couch worried about the fight between Lady Gaga and Madonna]
Background singers: You are such a little bitch.
Lady Gaga: So So So.
Madonna: What the hell is a Disco stick?
[Madonna reaches for Lady Gagas neck and starts to choke her.]
Lady Gaga: I think you know.
[Lady Gaga reaches for Madonnas neck and starts to choke her. They start to fall to the ground. Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and TShane on the couch]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: STOP IT!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!! OOOOO Weeeee! Do not make me walk over there and tell you two all about yourself in front of ervybody in the view erea. Get over here.
[The music stops to play. TShane has a worried expression on his face]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Stop it! Sit down on the…
[Lady Gaga and Madonna continue to fight while they walk towards the couch]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Sit on the….
[Lady Gaga and Madonna flop on the couch.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: You know what?
[DJ Dynasty Handbag stands up and sits between Lady Gaga and Madonna]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Im going to sit my little pooper between you two so you can behave.
[Lady Gaga goes behind DJ Dynasty Handbags back and continues to fight with Madonna]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you to behave!
[Lady Gaga sits up. Madonna sneaks behind DJ Dynasty Handbags back and slaps Lady Gaga behind the head.]
Madonna: What did you say?
DJ Dynasty Handbag: STOP IT!!!!!
Lady Gaga: Well Well try. Hey! Guess what Madonna. Im totally hotter than you.
Madonna: Hey guess what.
[Madonna stands up and slaps Lady Gaga behind the head]
Madonna: Im taller than you. What kind of name is Lady Gaga anyway? It sounds like baby food.
[Madonna sits back down on the couch.]
Lady Gaga: The kind thats number one on the billboard charts.
[Lady Gaga lunges herself towards Madonna over DJ Dynasty Handbag and continue to fight.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: HEY!!! I said behave Biatches!!!
[DJ Dynasty Handbag stops the fight between Lady Gaga and Madonna]
Madonna: (to DJ Dynasty Handbag:) Biatch! You need to stop interrupting us.
Lady Gaga: Yeah! Were Pop Icons. RESPECT!
Madonna: Respect!
[Lady Gaga and Madonna give each other a high five]
[Camera cuts to TShane with a very scared expression on his face.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ah Well. TShane doesnt have as much professionality as me when it comes to his on Air Stress.
[Lady Gaga goes behind DJ Dynasty Handbags back and continues to fight with Madonna]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Hey STOP. I want you two to kiss and make up.
[Lady Gaga and Madonna stop fighting.]
Madonna: Hey!
Lady Gaga: Excellent.
Madonna: You made my ring come off.
Lady Gaga: Sorry:
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Kiss each other.
[Lady Gaga and Madonna lean in just in front of DJ Dynasty Handbags face to kiss. When Lady Gaga and Madonna are about 2 inches away from each other DJ Dynasty Handbag moves in between them and kiss DJ Dynasty Handbag on the cheek.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: OH OH my goodness.
[Lady Gaga and Madonna start to caress and kiss DJ Dynasty Handbag.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am feeling weird things.
[Lady Gaga reaches over and pulls TShane to join in.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am feeling weird things. Well that all for Deep House Dish. Cya all.
[Camera slowly zooms out and you seen TShane on top of Lady Gaga, Madonna and DJ Dynasty Handbag]
LADY GAGA, wearing an extravagant outfit of clear balloons, reads a copyof Rolling Stone with her on the cover, leaning against a desk. A STUDIOPAGE is seated right behind her.
Lady Gaga: Cute.
ANDY SAMBERG, strolls in, wearing a similar outfit made of balloons. Heapproaches the page.
Andy Samberg: Hey Fred, did that fruit come in?
Page: Yeah, Ill go get it.
The page departs. Andy exhales as he saunters over to Gaga. He scans her outfit.
Andy Samberg: Oh no.
Both view their outfits.
Lady Gaga: No way.
Andy Samberg: This is weird.
Lady Gaga: I cant believe it! I spent $20,000 on this dress.
Andy Samberg: Yeah! And I made this out of garbage.
Both nervously laugh
Both: FASHION!
Andy Samberg: Well, I guess Ill go change.
Lady Gaga: No, wait. Andy, I think it looks really great good on you.
Andy Samberg: Really?
Lady Gaga: Really.
Andy Samberg: I guess great minds do think alike.
Both turn and face the ground. ROMANTIC MUSIC cues in. A lighted backdropof red stars forms behind both of them.
Lady Gaga: Kiss me, Andy.
Both plunge towards one another to lock lips. The outer mass of theballoons prevents them from kissing. Both struggle to meet at the lips.Both pull back.
Andy Samberg: We cant do this.
Lady Gaga: Why? Are you married?
Andy Samberg: No. I mean I cant do this. I physically cant reach you.
Lady Gaga: Prove it.
Both launch onto each other, still unable able to kiss. They struggle fora moment or two, and then pull back.
Andy Samberg: Damn it, Gaga! Just marry me.
Lady Gaga: Fine. Under one condition
Andy Samberg: Anything.
Lady Gaga: I want a divorce.
Andy Samberg: You cagey son-of-a-bitch!
Gaga gasps and slaps Andy. Both try to make out, but fail.
The CAMERA PANS over to KRISTEN WIIG and LORNE MICHAELS watching the events unfold.
Kristen Wiig: I guess I got to find something else to wear to the party.
Lorne Michaels: Yeah me too.
Kristen and Lorne glance onto Lornes necktie. Its covered in miniatureclear balloons.
Richard Dawson…..Jason Sudeikis Donny Osmond…..Ryan Reynolds Marie Osmond…..Abby Elliott Wayne Osmond…..Bobby Moynihan Alan Osmond…..Fred Armisen John Phillips…..Bill Hader MacKenzie Phillps……Kristen Wiig Genevieve Phillips…..Nasim Pedrad Jeff Sessler…..Andy Samberg
[ open on dancing GSN logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching the Game Show Nwtwork. Probably because you’re home sick. And now, one from the archives — from 1981, it’s “Celebrity Family Feud”.
[ dissolve to game show set, each family posed behind their podiums ]
Announcer: It’s time for… “Celebrity Family Feud”! Introducing the Osmond Family: Donnie Osmond! Marie Osmond! Wayne Osmond! And the other one!
And today, they’ll be playing against… The Phillips Family! John Phillips! MacKenzie Phillips! John’s wife, Genevieve! And MacKenzie’s husband, Jeff!
And here’s your host… Richard Dawson!
[ Richard Dawson swaggers from a corner of the set like he just stepped out of the limo, and blows kisses to both families ]
Richard Dawson: [ semi-slurring ] Hello, welcome to “Celebrity Family eud”. Don’t adjust your TV sets — you’re seeing stars!
[ the two celebrity familes laugh politely ]
Richard Dawson: First up to the podium: Donny and John. Let’s play the Feud, guys! [ Donny and John rush to the podium and shake hands ] Welcome, gentlemen! Welcome to the show! Donny, you’ve been a star for so long, since you were a little tyke. How do you stay so grounded?
Donny Osmond: Aw, geez — I guess, just spending time with my family.
Richard Dawson: Mmm-hmm. That’s real nice. John Phillips, same question.
John Phillips: Same answer: time with family. [ he turns to glance at MacKenzie ]
Richard Dawson: That’s delightful! That’s delightful! Let’s play the Feud! 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. The question: Things you keep for a long time? [ John buzzes in ] John!
John Phillips: Secrets!
Richard Dawson: Alright! Show me… Secrets!
[ “X” ]
Richard Dawson: Sorry about that, Johnny. Donny, what do you say? Something you keep… for a long time.
Donny Osmond: Something my goofball little sister will never see… [ he turns to stare at Marie ] A wedding dress!
[ they laugh at each other ]
Richard Dawson: All right. A wedding dress!
[ Ding! Number One answer! ]
Richard Dawson: There you go! Nice one! Let’s go meet the Osmonds! [ he approaches the Osmonds’ podium ] All right! Marie, Marie… what’s new, my lovely? [ he kisses her ] How are ya’? How ya’ doing? You seem to be riding high.
Marie Osmond: We are, Richard! But you folks out there should know we’re riding high… on life!
Richard Dawson: [ clearly not interested ] Hmm… That’s fine.
John Phillips: [ interrupting ] Hey, Richard. I want to point out that we’re also high on life. Except, also, downers. And, also, wine! And, also, not life! [ he laughs, as MacKenzie gives a nervous smile ]
Richard Dawson: Quality jump-in from John Phillips. [ he glances at his card ] Marie… Things you keep for a long time.
Marie Osmond: Hmmm… growing up with this big baby… [ she acknowledges Donny ] I KNOW! BABY SHOES!!
[ The Osmonds applaud her answer ]
Richard Dawson: Show me Baby Shoes!
[ “X” ]
Richard Dawson: Awww! Sorry about that, Marie, sorry about that. Alright! Wayne Osmond! You’re up!
Wayne Osmond: POT HOLDERS!!
[ The Osmonds applaud his answer, as Dawson looks at Wayne like he’s an inbred idiot ]
Richard Dawson: It’s a BAD answer, kiddo! Bad answer! Show me Pot Holders!
[ “X X” ]
Richard Dawson: Not a surprise. Alright. [ he turns to Alan Osmond ] You!
[ Alan smiles stupidly, as “X X X” flashes without bothering to give him a chance ]
Richard Dawson: Okay! It’s all good! We’ll go over to the Phillips’ side! [ he steps over ] Hey there, MacKenzie, my dear. How ya’ doing? [ he leans over to kiss her ]
John Phillips: [ defensively ] He-e-e-eyy, careful now!
Richard Dawson: [ chuckling ] Uh-oh, watch out! A protective father!
John Phillips: [ nervously ] Yeahhh, something like that.
Richard Dawson: MacKenzie… A thing you keep for a long time.
MacKenzie Phillips: Diaries!
[ the other Phillips clap and yell “Good answer!” ]
John Phillips: Bad answer!
Richard Dawson: Alright. Okay. Show me… Diaries!
[ “X” ]
Richard Dawson: Oh! That’s heartbreaking. That’s too bad. [ prematurely ending the round ] Now, let’s take a moment to meet the Phillips Family. John, I don’t have to ask you what your favorite day is — probably “Monday, Monday”, right?
John Phillips: [ laughs nervously ] That’s very good.
Richard Dawson: Alright. Thank you. And, MacKenzie, I guess you just like to take it “One Day at a Time”.
MacKenzie Phillips: [ chuckles nervously ] All the days kind of blend together, Richard.
Richard Dawson: [ laughs uproariously ] Like a FOG!! [ no reaction ] Alright… Marie, MacKenzie! Let’s get up here and play the Feud, shall we? [ Marie and MacKenzie rush to the podium and shake hands ] Alright! 100 people surveyed, five most popular answers on the board. Here’s the question: Things you do with your father.
[ cut to nervous reaction from John Phillips ]
[ meanwhile, both Marie and MacKenzie are hesitant to give an answer ]
Richard Dawson: Come on, ladies. Something you do with your dad. First thing that comes to your mind.
Marie Osmond: [ buzzes in ] Beg him to put your bozo brother up for adoption!!
Donny Osmond: Hey! You’re the bozo, so cram it, clown.
Richard Dawson: Wow… that’s your answer? [ he shakes his head ] No way in Hell it’s up there. Let’s try it. Show me “X”!
[ “X” ]
Richard Dawson: Yeah, there ya’ go! Big shock! Okay, great, that’s not there. Let’s see what we’ve got… Let’s go to the Phillips Family! Here we go! Moving over, moving over… Alright. Okay, Phillips’, here we go. Things you do with your father. Let’s start with… MacKenzie.
MacKenzie Phillips: [ hesitant ] Can I get back to you in thirty years?
Richard Dawson: Mmm. No dear, we need an answer now.
MacKenzie Phillips: In that case, I’m gonna say… Sports!
[ the family chants “Good answer!” ]
Richard Dawson: Alright. Show me… Sports!!
[ Ding! Number One answer! ]
Richard Dawson: Number One answer! Number One answer.
Jeff Sessler: Yeah! MacKenzie and her dad are always going off to play sports, and I’m like, “Can I come?” And they’re like, “No! We like to do sports, just the two of us, and also at a hotel!” [ he smiles stupidly ]
[ Richard Dawson stares blankly at John ]
[ the Osmonds stare across the set in horror ]
[ the realization finally hits Richard Dawson ]
Richard Dawson: Ohhhhh! Oh, I got it. Okay, this episode’s over! [ to the camera ] Join us next week on the Feud!
[ both families crowd the center of the stage and dance to the closing music ]
Announcer: [ with graphic ] Stay tuned for “Celebrity Press Your Luck”, with guest Roman Polanski.
Mike…..Fred Armisen Lexie…..Scarlett Johanson Nick…..Ryan Reynolds Man 1…..Jason Sudeikis Woman 1…..Nasim Pedrad Man 2…..Kenan Thompson
[Scene opens to 6 Porcelain Fountains running water. Classical music is playing]
[Mike walks to center stage]
Mike: (with a New Jersey accent) PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS. Nothing says Im a Millionaire like PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.
[Mike puts a lot of emphasise when saying Porcelain Fountains. He also points to the porcelain fountains in the background.]
Mike: You put a porcelain fountain in ya house people are gonna say What is this, a mansion? Im telling ya! Ya gotta getchaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.
[Scene cuts to a house with a bare lawn.]
Mike (V/O): Putem on your front lawn.
[7 different type of porcelain fountains appear on the front lawn.]
Mike (V/O): I wonder where dat guy keeps his jumbo jet.
[Scene cuts back to Mike on stage]
Mike: You like sitting in the living room?
[Scene cuts to Man 1 and Women 1 sitting on a couch in a living room watching tv.]
Mike (V/O): How about sitting in a living room with….. PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.
[2 different types of porcelain fountains appear in the living room. The couple are excited with the fountains they nod in agreement]
[Scene cuts back to Mike on stage.]
Mike: You might as well start listening to Opera in there.
[Scene cuts to Man 2 fluffing his pillow in his bed.]
Mike (V/O): Are you getting ready for bed?
[A porcelain fountain appears beside the bed. Man 2 is surprised that a fountain appeared from nowhere. He nods in agreement]
Mike (V/O): Try sleeping with a PORCELAIN FOUNTAIN in your bed room.
[Scene cuts back to Mike on stage]
Mike: Guess who will be dreaming about caviar! You gotta getchaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS. You want more proof? Just listen to my beautiful daughter Lexie.
[Mike walks off stage never taking his eyes off the camera. Lexie walks towards center stage wearing an 80s type fluffy shoulder dress.]
[Lexie also has a New Jersey accent.]
Lexie: What are ya kidding me? How can you not have porcelain fountains all over your house?
[4 picture of porcelain fountains appear on the screen around Lexie.]
Lexie: Look at this one. Look at dat one. People are going to see these things and go That guy gots more money than a Sheik from Saudi Arabia.
[The 4 pictures keep changing into different types of porcelain fountains.]
Lexie: You can even stroke your hands in the water like your some kind of Millionaire. Youll think Wow this is high end living. Thats what your gonna think when you pick this one or dat one. This one or dat one.
[Lexi strikes a sexy pose and stairs at the camera. The pictures disappear off screen. Mike comes back to the center of the stage with an occurred smile and pushed Lexie to get off stage. Lexie leaves the stage]
Mike: Now i got my son in law Nick doing all the installations. You dont have to lift a finger.
[Nick walks towards the center stage beside Mike. Nick is very uncomfortable talking in front of the camera. Nick also has a New Jersey accent]
Nick: If you order one of these things you got nothing to worry about. I come to you.(Nick point towards the camera). I load up the van with the pipes and the fountains and I come to you. (Nick point towards the camera). If you experience any problems with piping or spillage just call and I come to you. (Nick point towards the camera). Dont like where we installed your fountain just call and I come to you. (Nick point towards the camera). I come to you (Nick point towards the camera).
[Nick takes a big deep breath in fear while he looks at Mike]
Mike: Ya gotta getchaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS at Mikes Fountainry on Central Avenue.
[Scene cuts to the exterior of a large store with Mikes Fountainry sign]
Voice Over signers: Whats the news. 2941 Central Avenue in Embrume.
Mike, Lexie, Nick: You gotta getchaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.
Nick: I come to… (Nick point towards the camera Mike forces Nick to lower his hand.)
[Mike, Lexie, Nick strikes a pose and screen fades to black.]
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Air Date:
A Message From the President of the United States
Summary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) admits that he hasn’t accomplished a damn thing since taking office in January.
Summary: Ryan Reynolds outlines the difference between a superhero movie and a romantic comedy.
Summary: In these hard, economic times, dog lover (Jason Sudeikis) sets his priorities straight by serving bagged garbage to his canine pal.
Summary: In an old episode of “Family Feud” on GSN, the Osmond Family competes against the Phillips Family, with John (Bill Hader) and MacKenzie (Kristen Wiig) trying to keep their incestuous relationship a secret from Richard Dawson (Jason Sudeikis).
Summary: Andy Samberg raps about throwing various objects “On The Ground”.
Summary: Buy a porcelain fountain from Mike (Fred Armisen) to add that extra touch of class to your mundane daily activities.
Summary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to dish on the club music scene with co-host T’Shane (Andy Samberg), featuring Lady Gaga and Madonna performing together for the first time.
Lyrics
Summary: Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) comments on Roman Polanski. Charles Barkley comments on the 60th anniversary of Red China. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) sits idly by as his wife (Nasim Pedrad) rambles on and on about the excitement of being in New York and being married to a pussy dictator.
Summary: A group of convicted criminals (Will Forte, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson) are paired off with dancers (Kristin Wiig, Nasim Pedrad, Jenny Slate) and a good time is had by all.
Summary: Norwegian actors perform a scene from an American cop drama without losing their thick accents.
Summary: Ready to go to the afterparty, Andy Samberg is embarrassed to discover that he’s dressed in the same set of clear balloons as Lady Gaga.
Transcript
