SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11: Strauss-Kahn’s Cell

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Strauss-Kahn’s Cell

Guard…..Paul Brittain
Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn…..Taran Killam
Inmate #1…..Jay Pharoah
Inmate #2…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Rikers Island ]

[ dissolve to interior, jail cell, as Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn is led inside by a Guard ]

Guard: Probably not the high-end accomodations you’re used to, Mr. Strauss-Kahn, but, uh, make yourself at home.

[ Strauss-Kahn sits on a bench as the Guard exits; a pair of inmates at the rear of the cell take notice ]

Inmate #1: Did you hear what I heard?

Inmate #2: Well, we best introduce ourselves!

[ they step forward and surround Strauss-Kahn ]

Inmate #2: Hey! Hey, we heard all about you on the news!

Inmate #1: Mr. Dominique Strauss-Kahn! Former head of the IMF!

Inmate #2: Well, guess what, Mr. Strauss-Kahn? I have a question for YOU! [ he leans closer ] What’s the IMF gonna do about the debt crisis in Greece?

Inmate #1: I tell you what I’D do: I’d let ’em default, get Greece out of the Eurozone.

Inmate #2: Come on, man! You gotta give Greece a chance to settle they debt!

Inmate #1: With what?! Greeks don’t be payin’ their taxes! Where’s the revenue gonna come from? They gonna sell a chillion dollars worth of feta?

Inmate #2: Oh, snap! Come on now! Come on now, don’t be beatin’ on the Greeks!

Inmate #1: You know what the biggest Greek export is? Hard-working Greeks!

Inmate #2: True! True!

[ Strauss-Kahn smiles quietly ]

Inmate #2: Yeah, Strauss-Kahn kinda likes that! Look at Strauss-Kahn! Ha ha! Yeah!

Inmate #1: Yo! You wanna feel bad for somebody? Feel bad for the Irish.

Inmate #2: Oh, I hear that! You GOTTA feel Ireland! [ they bump fists ]

Inmate #1: Man. The Irish been eatin’ dirt and potatoes for 400 years. You can’t blame them for thinking it was their time for soem happiness.

Inmate #2: Yeah, but the good news is, the Irish know how to HANDLE hard times! They like the Germans!

Inmate #1: What?! You can’t say that! The Germans the only people in Europe that know the score right now!

Inmate #2: What about Sweden?

Inmate #1: I mean countries in the Eurozone.

Inmate #2: Well, you didn’t SAY that!

Inmate #1: [ he shrugs ] We talkin’ about the Euros! So leave Sweden out of it!

Inmate #2: Well, when it comes to the Euro, Sweden thanks God every day that they were left out of it! [ he playfully shoves Strauss-Kahn ] You know what I’m talkin’ about, Strauss-Kahn![ Strauss-Kahn smiles along ]

Inmate #2: Yeah, he likes THAT one! See, he’s smiling a little bit! He’s in JAIL, but he’s smilin’! Yeah!

Inmate #1: All I’m saying, is the Germans have proven that the only way out of a debt crisis is austerity measures. You get in a jam, you gotta cut back.

Inmate #2: Yo! But you can’t expect the rest of Europe to act like Germany! I mean, Germans be GOOD at being hos-tile — that’s they habit! All a German needs to smile, is a half a sausage and a carton of Menthol! I mean, you can’t expect somebody in Spain to be happy with that! In Spain, they need to rezone sangria!

Inmate #1: And I guess Germany has to pay for Spain’s sangria?

Inmate #2: They do if they don’t want the Euro to crumble.

Inmate #1: [ he scoffs ] Would you have Germany bail out Portugal?

Inmate #2: Bitch, you know I got no love for Portugal! Portugal ain’t nothin’ but the dingleberry hanging off of Spain’s nutsack! [ he scoffs ] Portugal! And they low-ass broke! They can fall in the ocean for all I care!

Inmate #1: So now you willin’ to let a domino fall. But when it was Greece, it was a different story.

Inmate #2: Yo! Greece created democracy! I got MAD respect for Greece!

Inmate #1: Man, creation of democracy is in the PAST, yo! Greece wantin’ respect for democracy is like Nas wantin’ respect for Illmatic!

Inmate #2: Oh, snap!

Inmate #1: I mean, DSK know what I’m talkin’ about!

Inmate #2: [ laughing ] Yeah, that’s fair! Okay! That’s fair!

Inmate #1: It’s been really good talkin’ to you, Mr. Strauss-Kahn.

Inmate #2: Yeah. It truly has. So, uh — [ he looks around the cell ] We gonna RAPE you now! Yeah!

[ both inmates place their hands on Strauss-Kahn’s shoulders ]

Inmate #2: And…


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11: Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

…..Justin Timberlake

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Justin Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: Wow! Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Wow! Thank you mom, I’m glad you’re here tonight mom. Um.. here we are, I’m so excted to be hosting the seson finale of “Saturday Night Live”. Now, in the past when I’ve hosted this show, I’ve also beeen the musical guest. But tonight is different. Okay? Tonight, Lady Gaga is here. Oh, I know yeah! And, ugh, I told Lorne this is great! Now there’s no pressure on me to sing because it’s Gaga’s moment. And then he said, “You’ll do one song, right?” And I said, “I don’t think so.” And he said, “Justin.” And I said, “Lorne.” And he said, “Please”, and he said, “Justin”, and I said, “Lorne”, and he said, “Justin”, and I said, “NO!… Lorne.” And, finally, I realized I had to explain it in a way he’d understand.

[ singing]
“I’m not gonna sing tonight.
No, I’m not gonna sing tonight.
I know you want me to sing and dance around
but I’m gonna let down
’cause I’m not gonna sing tonight.

No I’m not gonna do that.
Just here to do the comedy thing.
And, I’m not gonna sing tonight.
Not gonna do that thing where my voice goes high!
Even though people love it.
Not gonna make the beat drop out.
Then bring it back in
’cause I’m not gonna sing tonight.

Not gonna slow it down a bit
And as I step off stage and make my way to a lady.
And sing to her like she’s the only one here tonight.
You are.
Not gonna do that thing where I sing to the lens without breaking eye contact.
Not gonna do my sexy voice or take a single sexy breath tonight.
Not gonna sing!
I’m not gonna sing!
No matter how much you cry!
I don’t wanna sing!
Just let me do my thing.
And my thing ain’t to sing, no!

Not gonna do that thing where I take my jacket off and do a silly dance move.
And don’t give me a pork-pied hat ’cause I won’t put it on tonight.
Not gonna do that thing where I shout out a place to get myself some cheaper beers!
Don’t need to do that thing, ’cause I’m in New York City tonight!
Right? Anybody here from Jersey?
Huh? Alright!
So this will be fast.

Not gonna stand in the rain and sing a song like my heart’s been broken.
I did that in a video once and I’m not gonna do it tonight.
I’m not gonna do that thing!
I’m not gonna do that sing!
I’m not gonna sing, said I’m not gonna sing, I’m not gonna sing….

Justin Timberlake: Lady Gaga is here! Stick around, we’ve got a great show! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts