SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: The Buchanan Brothers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

The Buchanan Brothers

Platinum Buchanan…..Ed Helms
Sandy-Haired Buchanan…..Taran Killam
Dan Fouts…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Fouts…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Vanessa Bayer
Boyfriend…..Paul Brittain


[ DAN FOUTS & HIS WIFE observe their daughter and her date before they step out for the evening. ]

Boyfriend: Don’t worry, Mr. & Mrs. Fouts — your daughter’s in good hands.

Daughter: Bye Mom! Bye Dad! Don’t wait up for me…

Mrs. Fouts: What time will you be home?

Daughter: Who knows? It’s prom night!

[ The youngsters depart. ]

Mrs. Fouts: I’m worried, Dan.

Dan Fouts: About what?

Mrs. Fouts: They’re not going to… do it? Are they?

Dan Fouts: I did IT all to YOU on our Prom Night.

Mrs. Fouts: But we grew up in a nastier time.

Dan Fouts: Don’t worry. I put this in their car —

[ He holds up a CD. ]


Mrs. Fouts (V/O): “The Buchanan Brothers – Keeping it Soft: Ulitmate Turn-Offs” Collection.

Dan Fouts: There’s a lot of songs out there to put you in the mood. But listen as Buchanan Brothers take you OUT of the mood… WAY OUT!


[ THE BUCHANAN BROTHERS, one PLATINUM BLONDE, moustached and the other SANDY-HAIRED, clean shaven, wear matching retro 70’s wardrobes and sway to an opening melody. ]


Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “You’re both getting closer.
The night’s feeling so right.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “Let me ask you a question,
before your love takes flight.”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “Remember when you saw your
grandmother’s naked boobie?”

Both: [ singing ] “Remember that time you saw?
Remember that time you saw?
A single, flapping naked boob!”


[ The couple is discomforted after hearing the previous track. ]

Dan Fouts: That’s no fun to think about!

Mrs. Fouts: Makes me feel weird.

Dan Fouts: No one’s getting laid after that — or this…



Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “Soft hug.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “Soft kiss.”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “Now think about a carpeted bathroom.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “There’s never a time that carpet dries out.”

Both: [ singing ] “If you pulled it up, you’d see
thousands of silver fish.”


Dan Fouts: Ugh! That was fairly gross.

Mrs. Fouts: I’ll say. And the Buchanan Brothers really bring the unsexy back with this next hit…



Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “Think about the Native Americans.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “Think about what we did to them.”

Both: [ singing ] “We’ll never make that right!”


Dan Fouts: How could anyone make love with exploited, Native Americans on their mind?

Mrs. Fouts: That’s the point. And there’s more… with songs like – –

[ SUPER: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath” ]

Dan Fouts: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath”

[ SUPER: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You” ]

Mrs. Fouts: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You”

[ SUPER: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise” ]

Dan Fouts: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise.” And…

[ SUPER: “Adult Baptisms” ]

Mrs. Fouts: “Adult Baptisms”

Dan Fouts: Plus, this “keep-it-in-your pants” single…



Both: [ singing ] “Some cysts can
grow teeth and hair.
What if one’s
inside you now?
Growing teeth and hair!”


[ The couple’s daughter comes storming in. ]

Daughter: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! I don’t want to talk about it! Good night!

[ She runs upstairs quick. ]

Mrs. Fouts: Sounds like somebody had a horrible night.

[ Dan chuckles. ]

Dan Fouts: Let’s hope it the first of many more to come.

Mrs. Fouts: Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!

Dan Fouts: We’re great parents!

Mrs. Fouts: We sure are! [ a beat ] Hey, I’m in the mood. Let’s say we go upstairs and finish what they couldn’t get started.

Dan Fouts: Hang on — let’s listen to this bonus track first…


[ SUPER: “DUST = 90% SKIN” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “I love you!”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “And I want you!”

Both: [ singing ] “Did you know that
90% of dust is skin!”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “You breathe in other people’s skin!”


Mrs. Fouts: Never mind about going upstairs now.

Dan Fouts: Good. Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!



Announcer: Available wherever CD’s are still sold.

[ END ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: Republican Candidate

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Republican Candidate

Republican Candidate…..Ed Helms

[ open on stock footage of eagle soaring, majestic fields, etc. ]

Announcer: This election season, America will decide if we want four more years of politics as usual… or if we think, as a nation, we can do better.

[ dissolve to random Republican candidate seated on his desk ]

Republican Candidate: I think we can do better. Hello, I’m either Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, or Gary Johnson. And I believe I’M the man that can get this country back on track.

[ cut to close-up shot ]

I understand that, with such a crowded field of candidates, it’s hard to tell us apart. We all look the same, and our names are boring. But, whoever I am, there are some things I know to be true.

[ cut to wide shot ]

I know that free enterprise is the beating heart of any vibrant democracy. I know that I’m a white male between the ages of 45 and 60. I know that I’m not Donald Trump or Newt Gingrich, because you know what they look like. But I might be Joh Huntsman or John Thune. In conclusion: My dad, the military, dogs, church stuff.

I’m Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, John Thune, John Huntsman, Gary Johnson, Mitch Johnson, Tim Daniels, or Hunt Mitchman. And I approved this message.

[ cut to American flag graphic ]

Announcer: Paid for by Land’s End.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 22

This free script provided by]]> Widgets

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

Guest Writer:

May 21st, 2011

Justin Timberlake

Lady Gaga


Patricia Clarkson

Susan Sarandon

Bradley Cooper

Jimmy Fallon


Jorma Taccone

Strauss-Kahn’s CellSummary: Upon being admitted into Rikers Island, Dominique Strauss-Kahn (Taran Killam) is accosted by a pair of inmated (Kenan Thompson, Jay Pharoah) who want to discuss the world economy.



Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: Justin Timberlake sings about how he’s not going to sing on tonight’s show.


LiquorvilleSummary: A business owner (Kristen Wiig) dressed as a tea bag faces competition from Liquorville’s beer bottle (Justin Timberlake) and wine bottle (Lady Gaga) mascots.

Recurring Characters: Mascot.

WXPD NewsSummary: Elder reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) teeters through a live remote at a high school following a carbon monoxide scare.

Recurring Characters: Anchor, Herb Welch.


An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Dick in a Box”/”Mother Lover” bad boys (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) engage in a “3-Way (The Golden Rule)” with one girl (Lady Gaga).

Lady Gaga performs “The Edge Of Glory” and “Judas”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers asks “Really?!?” when Arnold Schwarzenegger reveals his 14-year affair with the family maid. During an installment of “Get in the Cage”, Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg) asks Bradley Cooper why he wasn’t in “The Hangover 2”. Seth Meyers says goodbye for the summer and heads off for a vacation getaway with Stefon (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: Nicolas Cage, Stefon.


What’s That Name?Summary: Celebrity game show contestant and all-around asshole Justin Timberlake can’t remember girl he had sex with (Abby Elliott) or former bandmate Chris Kirkpatrick (Taran Killam), while Lady Gaga easily recalls everyone she’s ever met.

Recurring Characters: Vince Blight.


Merryville Love Tunnel RideSummary: When the love tunnel ride breaks down on its track, amusement park visitor (Jason Sudeikis) is freaked out when the animatronic robots (Taran Killam, Justin Timberlake, Bill Hader) hit on his girlfriend (Nasim Pedrad).

Recurring Characters: Robot, Repairman.

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) and The Mysterious Crandell (Justin Timberlake) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.

Lady Gaga performs “Born This Way”

The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Robin Gibb (Justin Timberlake) remains mum while Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) issues insane threats to his political guests, just like all those other times.

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Rachel Maddow, Roland S. Martin.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVDSummary: The new DVD and Blu-Ray release features audition outtakes from 80’s-era celebrities.

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) has a pretty cool time interviewing Jimmy Fallon (Justin Timberlake) and singing with ?uestLove (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus.

MozartSummary: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (Justin Timberlake) arrogantly decides he should move on from composing music to doing live theater with his partner-in-crime Antonio Salieri (Andy Samberg).

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga


…..Justin Timberlake
…..Jimmy Fallon

Justin Timberlake: Thank you to Lady Gaga! Jimmy Fallon! Bradley Cooper! Susan Sarandon! Patricia Clarkson!

Jimmy Fallon: Justin Timberlaaaaaaake!!

Justin Timberlake: Come on, man! Thank you, and that’s the season, baby!

Jimmy Fallon: Have a good summerrrrrrr!!

Justin Timberlake: Whoo!!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11: Strauss-Kahn’s Cell

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Strauss-Kahn’s Cell

Guard…..Paul Brittain
Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn…..Taran Killam
Inmate #1…..Jay Pharoah
Inmate #2…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Rikers Island ] [ dissolve to interior, jail cell, as Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn is led inside by a Guard ]

Guard: Probably not the high-end accomodations you’re used to, Mr. Strauss-Kahn, but, uh, make yourself at home.

[ Strauss-Kahn sits on a bench as the Guard exits; a pair of inmates at the rear of the cell take notice ]

Inmate #1: Did you hear what I heard?

Inmate #2: Well, we best introduce ourselves!

[ they step forward and surround Strauss-Kahn ]

Inmate #2: Hey! Hey, we heard all about you on the news!

Inmate #1: Mr. Dominique Strauss-Kahn! Former head of the IMF!

Inmate #2: Well, guess what, Mr. Strauss-Kahn? I have a question for YOU! [ he leans closer ] What’s the IMF gonna do about the debt crisis in Greece?

Inmate #1: I tell you what I’D do: I’d let ’em default, get Greece out of the Eurozone.

Inmate #2: Come on, man! You gotta give Greece a chance to settle they debt!

Inmate #1: With what?! Greeks don’t be payin’ their taxes! Where’s the revenue gonna come from? They gonna sell a chillion dollars worth of feta?

Inmate #2: Oh, snap! Come on now! Come on now, don’t be beatin’ on the Greeks!

Inmate #1: You know what the biggest Greek export is? Hard-working Greeks!

Inmate #2: True! True!

[ Strauss-Kahn smiles quietly ]

Inmate #2: Yeah, Strauss-Kahn kinda likes that! Look at Strauss-Kahn! Ha ha! Yeah!

Inmate #1: Yo! You wanna feel bad for somebody? Feel bad for the Irish.

Inmate #2: Oh, I hear that! You GOTTA feel Ireland! [ they bump fists ]

Inmate #1: Man. The Irish been eatin’ dirt and potatoes for 400 years. You can’t blame them for thinking it was their time for soem happiness.

Inmate #2: Yeah, but the good news is, the Irish know how to HANDLE hard times! They like the Germans!

Inmate #1: What?! You can’t say that! The Germans the only people in Europe that know the score right now!

Inmate #2: What about Sweden?

Inmate #1: I mean countries in the Eurozone.

Inmate #2: Well, you didn’t SAY that!

Inmate #1: [ he shrugs ] We talkin’ about the Euros! So leave Sweden out of it!

Inmate #2: Well, when it comes to the Euro, Sweden thanks God every day that they were left out of it! [ he playfully shoves Strauss-Kahn ] You know what I’m talkin’ about, Strauss-Kahn![ Strauss-Kahn smiles along ]

Inmate #2: Yeah, he likes THAT one! See, he’s smiling a little bit! He’s in JAIL, but he’s smilin’! Yeah!

Inmate #1: All I’m saying, is the Germans have proven that the only way out of a debt crisis is austerity measures. You get in a jam, you gotta cut back.

Inmate #2: Yo! But you can’t expect the rest of Europe to act like Germany! I mean, Germans be GOOD at being hos-tile — that’s they habit! All a German needs to smile, is a half a sausage and a carton of Menthol! I mean, you can’t expect somebody in Spain to be happy with that! In Spain, they need to rezone sangria!

Inmate #1: And I guess Germany has to pay for Spain’s sangria?

Inmate #2: They do if they don’t want the Euro to crumble.

Inmate #1: [ he scoffs ] Would you have Germany bail out Portugal?

Inmate #2: Bitch, you know I got no love for Portugal! Portugal ain’t nothin’ but the dingleberry hanging off of Spain’s nutsack! [ he scoffs ] Portugal! And they low-ass broke! They can fall in the ocean for all I care!

Inmate #1: So now you willin’ to let a domino fall. But when it was Greece, it was a different story.

Inmate #2: Yo! Greece created democracy! I got MAD respect for Greece!

Inmate #1: Man, creation of democracy is in the PAST, yo! Greece wantin’ respect for democracy is like Nas wantin’ respect for Illmatic!

Inmate #2: Oh, snap!

Inmate #1: I mean, DSK know what I’m talkin’ about!

Inmate #2: [ laughing ] Yeah, that’s fair! Okay! That’s fair!

Inmate #1: It’s been really good talkin’ to you, Mr. Strauss-Kahn.

Inmate #2: Yeah. It truly has. So, uh — [ he looks around the cell ] We gonna RAPE you now! Yeah!

[ both inmates place their hands on Strauss-Kahn’s shoulders ]

Inmate #2: And…


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11: Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

…..Justin Timberlake

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Justin Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: Wow! Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Wow! Thank you mom, I’m glad you’re here tonight mom. Um.. here we are, I’m so excted to be hosting the seson finale of “Saturday Night Live”. Now, in the past when I’ve hosted this show, I’ve also beeen the musical guest. But tonight is different. Okay? Tonight, Lady Gaga is here. Oh, I know yeah! And, ugh, I told Lorne this is great! Now there’s no pressure on me to sing because it’s Gaga’s moment. And then he said, “You’ll do one song, right?” And I said, “I don’t think so.” And he said, “Justin.” And I said, “Lorne.” And he said, “Please”, and he said, “Justin”, and I said, “Lorne”, and he said, “Justin”, and I said, “NO!… Lorne.” And, finally, I realized I had to explain it in a way he’d understand.

[ singing]“I’m not gonna sing tonight.
No, I’m not gonna sing tonight.
I know you want me to sing and dance around
but I’m gonna let down
’cause I’m not gonna sing tonight.

No I’m not gonna do that.
Just here to do the comedy thing.
And, I’m not gonna sing tonight.
Not gonna do that thing where my voice goes high!
Even though people love it.
Not gonna make the beat drop out.
Then bring it back in
’cause I’m not gonna sing tonight.

Not gonna slow it down a bit
And as I step off stage and make my way to a lady.
And sing to her like she’s the only one here tonight.
You are.
Not gonna do that thing where I sing to the lens without breaking eye contact.
Not gonna do my sexy voice or take a single sexy breath tonight.
Not gonna sing!
I’m not gonna sing!
No matter how much you cry!
I don’t wanna sing!
Just let me do my thing.
And my thing ain’t to sing, no!

Not gonna do that thing where I take my jacket off and do a silly dance move.
And don’t give me a pork-pied hat ’cause I won’t put it on tonight.
Not gonna do that thing where I shout out a place to get myself some cheaper beers!
Don’t need to do that thing, ’cause I’m in New York City tonight!
Right? Anybody here from Jersey?
Huh? Alright!
So this will be fast.

Not gonna stand in the rain and sing a song like my heart’s been broken.
I did that in a video once and I’m not gonna do it tonight.
I’m not gonna do that thing!
I’m not gonna do that sing!
I’m not gonna sing, said I’m not gonna sing, I’m not gonna sing….

Justin Timberlake: Lady Gaga is here! Stick around, we’ve got a great show! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11: What’s That Name?

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

What’s That Name?

Vince Blight…..Bill Hader
…..Justin Timberlake
…..Lady Gaga
Katie…..Abby Elliott
Alphonse…..Fred Armisen
Chris Kirkpatrick…..Taran Killam

Announcer: And now, it’s time to play: “What’s That Name?” And here’s your host — Vince Blight!

[ Vince Blight runs onto the game set ]

Vince Blight: Hello! Hello and welcome to “What’s That Name?: Celebrity Edition”! The rules are the same as always: We show you a person, you tell us their name. And our contestants today are JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!!

Justin Timberlake: Alright! How you doing, Vince Blight!

Vince Blight: Good, good! And LADY GAGA!!

Lady Gaga: [ covering one eye ] I’m ready to play… and win!

Vince Blight: Alright! And the firt question goes to you, Justin: [ reveal image ] “This funky feline rapped with Paula Abdul.” What’s That Name?

Justin Timberlake: I know that. Uhhhh… that’s MC Skat Cat!

[ ding! ]

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ] “Two steps forward, two steps back…”

Vince Blight: Oh, you’re the man, J.T.! You just won ten dollars. Next up: Lady Gaga. [ reveal image ] “Though best known for acting in ‘The Princess Bride’, he’s also written several off-Broadway plays.”

Lady Gaga: That is Wallace Shawn.

[ ding! ]

Vince Blight: Alright! Ten dollars to you! Ready to go again, J.T.?

Justin Timberlake: You know it, Vince!

Vince Blight: [ he chuckles ] Ah, this next question is worth $100,000! Here to read the clue… is the woman herself.

[ Katie runs out ]

Katie: We made love at the W Hotel two weeks ago. It was after your premiere. You told me I was beautiful, and to, uh, never give up on my photography! What’s my name?

Justin Timberlake: [ dumbfounded ] …Hey, girl! You… you look good!

Katie: I know! That’s why you had sex with me! What’s my name? We had an inside joke about how my feet were cold! What’s my name?

Justin Timberlake: Uhhh… a hot babe like you… you gotta have a hot name! So… Cheyenne.

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Audience! What’s That Name?

Audience: KATIE!!

Katie: Maybe you would have remembered me… if I was a rapping cat.

Vince Blight: Ooooooohhhh! Good takedown!

Justin Timberlake: [ defensive ] Okay, look — what the hell kind of show is this?

Vince Blight: It’s “What’s That Name?: Celebrity Edition”! Okay, Lady Gaga, you’re up next.

Justin Timberlake: Get ready, Gaga… this game’s tough.

Vince Blight: We’ve got another walk-on clue.

[ Alphone steps out ]

Alphonse: You don’t know me. I saw your Monster show and I hung out by the stage door.

Lady Gaga: [ excited ] Al-Phonse!

[ ding! ]

Justin Timberlake: How — how could you remember him?

Lady Gaga: He said he loves my music. You don’t forget something like that!

[ Timberlake appears stung ]

Lady Gaga: Alphonse. The woman next to you in the Jazzy — that was your sister, Marie, right?

Alphonse: Yeah, yeah! You know, her knees are lousy.

Lady Gaga: Well, you go see MY guy at Lennox Hill! He’s the BEST! And you have him send me the bill.

Alphonse: I pray for you in church!

Lady Gaga: And I for you.

Justin Timberlake: This show’s awful

Vince Blight: I think you’re awful!

Justin Timberlake: Look, man… I’m just trying to raise some money for my charity, The Hope Foundation.

Vince Blight: [ sarcastically ] Ah, the Hope Foundation! What do they do?

Justin Timberlake: Well, you know… they, uh… uh… they, uh… they.. they raise hope. Uh… they raise hope —

[ buzz! ]

Lady Gaga: If I may, Vince: They promote musical education.

Vince Blight: Thanks, Gaga! And, uh, who are you playing for?

Lady Gaga: I am playing for the People of Japan, of course.

Vince Blight: Of course! Playing for any other cause would be a slap in their face! [ Timberlake is visibly annoyed ] So, Justin — you ready to forget the next name?

Justin Timberlake: [ irked ] Okay! Alright! I just want to say that I meet a lot of people every day, and I love ALL of my fans, okay? But when you only spend two minutes with someone in passing, it’s hard to remember their names!

Vince Blight: That’s fair. Okay, no worry, J.T. Next clue shouldn’t be hard. Bring him out1

[ Chris Kirkpatrick, formerly of N*Sync steps out ]

Chris Kirkpatrick: I was in N*Sync with you! But I’m NOT Lance Bass, you, or Jowy Fatone! What’s my name?

[ Timberlake is dumbstruck, as Lady Gaga covers her mouth ]

Vince Blight: If you can tell me even part of his name… I’ll give every charity on Earth TEN MILLION DOLLARS!

Lady Gaga: [ still covering her mouth ] Oh, I know it, I know it, I know it, I know it…

Vince Blight: I KNOW you know it, Gaga! You know it! But it’s J.T.’s turn.

Chris Kirkpatrick: Come on, man! What’s my name, J.T.!

Justin Timberlake: [ shaking his head ] Uh… I think it’s like, uh… I know this. Uh… Chu-, Choy-. Char-… Charney! Chartie!

Vince Blight: [ amused ] You think his name is “Chartie”? We don’t need a buzzer to know that that’s wrong! But let’s hear one, anyway!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Audience! What’s That Name!



Justin Timberlake: I — I — I knew that! I knew that! I knew that!

Vince Blight: Yeah, okay — what’s his name? Real quick! We just said it!

Justin Timberlake: [ stumbling ] Kirk — Kirk — Kirk Charlie!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: You are awful! You’re awful! And that’s our show. I’d like to thank the two of you for playing!

Lady Gaga: And I… would like to thank the crew. The entire crew! Eddie… Mike C… Donna. And everyone in the audience: Matt…

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11: Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 22

This free script provided by]]>

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Nicolas Cage…..Andy Samberg
…..Bradley Cooper
Stefon…..Bill Hader

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening. I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Sources are saying that Saif al-Adel, a former Egyptian Special Forces operative, has been appointed the “caretaker” of Al Qaeda in the wake of Bin Laden’s death. Al-Adel was chosen because of his military background, his youth and because he was the last one to shout “Not it!”

President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu met Friday at the White House, one day after Obama called for Israel to return to its 1967 borders. It’s hard to know what was said at the meeting, but I’m betting on heavy use of the word “meshuganah”.

Despite announcing that he would not for President, Donald Trump insisted, Monday, that if he had stayed in the race he would have won the primary and the general election. Pretty bold, when you consider the fact that he’s not even winning his time slot.

Seth Meyers: It was revealed this week that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his long-time housekeeper. That brings us to a segment we like to call “Really!?!” with Seth.

[ show title card ]

Seth Meyers: Really, Arnold Schwarzenegger? You had an affair with the maid, in your house? You know, when powerful people have affairs, they usually put a little effort into it. I mean, really! Secret rendezvous. High priced call girl. What did you do? Just sit in your recliner and point at your weiner whenever someone walked by? Really?

Did you really think it was a good idea for your mistress to work in your home for fourteen years after the affair? Right in front of your wife? That’s so risky! I’m not even married and I erase my Internet history every four hours. Just in case I die and my mom comes over. Really!

I have to say, you have giant balls for a guy who definitely has tiny steroid balls. Really! And then it was revealed on Wednesday that the child you fathered with the housekeeper was born just days after Maria Shriver gave birth to your other son. Two kids in a week! So wait, every time I saw you smoking a cigar, were you just celebrating another baby? You’re like Oprah, but with babies. [ imitating Schwarzenegger ] “You get a baby! And you get a baby! Everybody gets a baby!”

Also, I couldn’t help but notice every one of your movies makes a perfect New York Post headline for this story: “Junior”, “Twins”, “True Lies”, “Predator”, “Judgment Day”, “Collateral Damage”, and “Raw Deal”. Thank God you passed on the action-comedy “Governor Horn Dog”.

And you brought the maid on vacation with your family. Really?! That’s a little suspicious, isn’t it? Hotels already have maids. That’s like bringing weed to Amsterdam. Really!

But Arnold, really, this is the important part: If this baby is the future leader of the resistance against our robot overlords, let us know. We won’t forgive you, but it WILL help your case. Really!

[ show title card ]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?!” with Seth.

Seth Meyers: It was reported that the Walt Disney Company has officially bought the trademark to the name “Seal Team 6”, the name of the unit that killed Osama Bin Laden. So get ready for a very disturbing sequel to “Up”. [ aside ] You don’t want to see that? I don’t want to see that movie.

The winner of the Miss Madison beauty pageant was forced to give up her crown this week, after she was arrested for identity theft. You know, I’m starting to think the best way to win a beauty pageant is to come in second and just wait.

A man in Wisconsin, on Tuesday, ate his 25-thousandth Big Mac on the 39th anniversary of eating his first one. Then afterwards, he ate a piece of broccoli and died.

Seth Meyers: And now it’s time for “Get in the Cage!”, a segment where actor Nicolas Cage sits down with fellow thespians to discuss the craft of their recent work. Please welcome Nicolas Cage and Bradley Cooper!

Bradley Cooper: Wow! Thank you SO much for having me, Nick! I am, uh, REALLY excited to get in the Cage!

Nicolas Cage: Oh, that’s very kind of you, Bradley. Now, let’s begin with a question about your new movie, “The Hangover: Part 2”.

Bradley Cooper: Yep. Shoot!

Nicolas Cage: In it, you play a gentleman who has a wild, drunken night in Bangkok, and then must face the grim repercussions.

Bradley Cooper: That is correct.

Nicolas Cage: So my question is: HOW AM I NOT IN THAT MOVIE?!!”

Bradley Cooper: Uh, what do you mean?

Nicolas Cage: Well, it has the TWO classic elements of a Nic Cage film! 1. I’m told the actors were given FOOD! 2. It’s basically a shot-for-shot recreation of my life! I AM the Human Hangover!

Bradley Cooper: Uh — look, Nic. I’m sorry you weren’t in “The Hangover: Part 2”. Maybe you were too busy. I mean, you’re in EVERY movie. You’re like a dangerous Eugene Levy.

Nicolas Cage: [ absorbs this compliment ] That’s high praise! Look, you seem nice, Cooper-Scooper! But, nevertheless, you lack the key ingredient to being a true film icon: Nomadic eyebrows, that have long since traveled from their home. The forehead village they grew up in was a safe haven! When ADVENTURE came calling! And like the gladiators of yore, they rode across the crescent moon that is my hairline! And THAT… is the audacity of hope.

Bradley Cooper: I think I’m ready to get out of the Cage.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, that I would do.

Nicolas Cage: There’s only ONE way out of the Cage! A fight to the death! TWO men enter! TWO men leave!

Bradley Cooper: I think it’s one man enters.

Nicolas Cage: Yeah, math was never my strong suit! And NOW, in the words of my fellow actor and life coach Mel Gibson… “Prepare to die from human bites!”

Seth Meyers: [ amused ] Oh, I’m sorry. Mel Gibson is your life coach?

Nicolas Cage: Yes!

Seth Meyers: Who’s your accountant?

Nicolas Cage: Wesley Snipes.

Seth Meyers: Okay, yeah.

Nicolas Cage: It’s a long story!!

Seth Meyers: Wrap it up!

Nicolas Cage: Fine by me, Seth! For now it is time for me to ride off to my NEXT adventure!

Bradley Cooper: Oh! What’s that?

[ camera zooms on Cage ]

Nicolas Cage: I’m gonna kill the ghost of Osama bin Laden!

Seth Meyers: Nic Cage and Bradley Cooper, everyone!

On Tuesday, the Pillow Fight World Cup was held in Brooklyn, New York. And that’s what you want — people in the Kingdom of Bedbugs shaking their linens out in the open. What a nightmare!

A growing trend among expectant parents is to have the sex of their baby revealed through “baby cakes,” which contain either blue or pink icing inside, rather than having a doctor tell them. And what could be more American than saying, “Yeah, yeah, doctor. I’ll believe it when I hear it from a dessert. Thank you, though.”

A new trend on the Internet is photos of people “planking”, which is the act of lying face down, keeping one’s body stiff while balancing on top of something. Or what protestants call “sex”.

A woman in Pennsylvania was arrested after she allegedly fed marijuana-laced margarine to a 12-year-old girl she was babysitting. Marijuana-laced margarine? “I can’t believe it’s Pot Butter!”

Seth Meyers: Tonight is the season finale, so I just want to say to everyone out there: THank you for watching, and have a wonderful summer! [ he looks off-screen ] You ready to go, Stefon?

[ Stefon appears in front of the news desk ]

Stefon: Yes!

[ Seth grabs his bag and steps around the news desk to join Stefon ]

Seth Meyers: Where are we going again, Buddy?

Stefon: It’s that thing… of when a beach is covered in jellyfish, and a sunburned old man braids your hair.

Seth Meyers: So… can my girlfriend come?

Stefon: No.

[ “Casablanca”-style music pots up ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon… I think this is the beginning… of a beautiful nightmare.

[ Stefon nods hsppily ]

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!

[ Seth and Stefon walk off with a sly wink to the audience ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11: WXPD News

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga


Jack Rizzoli……Jason Sudeikis
Wanda Ramirez……Nasim Pedrad
Herb Welch……Bill Hader
Dan McDonald……Justin Timberlake
Ken Yi……..Fred Armisen
Heckler…..Andy Samberg

[ open on news logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.

[ dissolve to studio anchor ]

Jack Rizzoli: Good morning, everyone, I’m Jack Rizzoli.

Wanda Ramirez: And I’m Wanda Ramirez.

Jack Rizzoli: Our top story today: a junior high school in Long Island has been evacuated after a dangerous carbon monoxide leak. Veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene, who this week celebrated his 70th year with the network. Hello, Herb.

[The 90-something year old Herb is seen, thick glasses and all, standing in front of a school. As always, he stands slouched talking very close to the microphone.]

Herb Welch: Hello, Jack.

Jack Rizzoli: Now, Herb, walk us through what’s happening at that school. Have all the students been evacuated?

Herb Welch: I’ve, uh….got a guy. This is teacher Dan McCarty.

Dan McDonald: It’s McDonald, actually. Dan McDonald.

Herb Welch: ….It’s the same thing. Alright, alright, what happened.

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: Well…..[Herb starts to move the microphone around as Dan moves around trying to talk into it]…we were told about the leak this morning, so I gathered the children and had them evacuate the school.

Herb Welch: Wh-wh-what kind of teacher?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: Uh….I’m an art….art teacher.

Herb Welch: Like with the macaroni and the…..[Herb breathes heavily taking his time in between words]….and the yarn?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: Uh….I teach drawing actually.

Herb Welch: There you have it: like it or not, the folk scene is here to stay. Back to you, Jack.

Jack Rizzoli: No, no, no, Herb, hold on a sec.

Herb Welch: What?

Jack Rizzoli: Stay there a minute, okay? Does Dan know what caused the leak?

Herb Welch: What?

Jack Rizzoli: [laughing a little bit] Does Dan know what caused the leak?

Herb Welch: I don’t know what caused it, I just got here.

Jack Rizzoli: I know you don’t, Herb. I know you don’t. Ask him “do you know what caused the leak?”

Herb Welch: Hey! Don’t write my copy, you lifeguard! [Herb turns back to Dan, but first has to hide his face from laughing.] What leaked?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: The boilers in the school have been a problem for a long time…..[Herb continues to move the microphone, now lowering it closer and closer to the ground]…and I, for one, am appalled!

[Herb brings the microphone back up.]

Herb Welch: Hey –

Dan McDonald: The school –

[Herb is now smacking Dan in the face with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: The school –

Herb Welch: Hey, I got a question for ya. [He smacks Dan again with the microphone.] Do you think, uh….do you think Lucille Ball is a…..a Pinko?

[Herb smacks Dan again with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: I’m…I’m sorry, did you say Lucille Ball?

[Jack interrupts.]

Jack Rizzoli: Yeah, Herb, exactly. Stay on point please.

Herb Welch: Name names, come on.

[As Herb goes to hit Dan with the microphone once again, Dan rips it out of his hands. Herb brings up his back-up microphone with his other hand and smacks Dan.]

Wanda Ramirez: Herb, does Dan think school officials were aware of the problem?

[Herb looks annoyed.]

Herb Welch: Ugghhh…[to Dan] so, you see the fights last night? [Herb hits Dan with the microphone.]

Jack Rizzoli: Come on, Herb. Herb, Wanda asked you a question.

Herb Welch: Yeah, well she can go back to her kitchen.

Jack Rizzoli: Herb….Herb, answer her.

Herb Welch: I’m not taking my set-ups from a hat-check girl!

Dan McDonald: Excuse me, can we talk about the students, please? They were put in real danger by our principal. That….that man, right over there! [He points at Principal Ken Yi standing off to the side.]

Ken Yi: Excuse me, that is absolutely not true!

Herb Welch: And that’s the news! Stay tuned for “Playhouse 90” with Lee Jacobs! Thank you!

Jack Rizzoli: [annoyed] No, no, Herb turn around and talk to that principal! Come on!

Herb Welch: [annoyed] Suck an egg, you manequin.

[Herb shuffles over to Ken, and is also motioning for Ken to move closer to him. A car passes by and a heckler yells out the window.]

Heckler: You suck, Herb Welch!

Herb Welch: [pointing at the car] Thank you!

[Herb must now hide his face away because of laughter.]

Herb Welch: [to Ken Yi] Alright….uh….now who are you?

Ken Yi: Hi, I’m the principal here. My name is Ken Yi.

Herb Welch: [having a flashback to the war] Oh, Banzai, huh? Remember me?! [He begins to hit Ken with the microphone in an attacking fashion. Dan comes over and pulls him away.]

Jack Rizzoli: No! Herb! No, no, no, no! Herb! Come on! The war is over, Herb!

Herb Welch: What? What happened? What did I do?

Jack Rizzoli: You blew the story, that’s what you did.

[Dan takes the microphone from Herb as he restrains him. Herb is still trying to kick Ken.]

Dan McDonald: I’m sorry, Jack? Maybe you should be a little more patient with Herb. He may be old, but that just means….[Herb is flailing about. He pushes the microphone into Dan’s face.]….[to Herb] stop moving….just means that his soul is wise.

Herb Welch: Jack? If Shep Kramer knew about the way you anchor, he’d turn over in his grave.

Jack Rizzoli: No, he wouldn’t, Herb, because Shep Kramer was cremated.

Herb Welch: They burned my friend!

Jack Rizzoli: Okay, come on! Herb, come on, pull it together, buddy.

Herb Welch: You son of a bitch! [He runs towards the camera and starts hitting it with his microphone.]

Jack Rizzoli: Okay, just cut away. Can we cut away for a minute please? Oh man. As always, we apologize to you in the Asian and female communities. Up next, we’ll talk to Long Island officials…

[Jack is handed a piece of paper and reads it.]

Jack Rizzoli: Oh, but first, some very sad news. I’ve just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Here is seen on assignment in 1963. [A black and white photograph is shown of Lee Harvey Oswald being assassinated while being interviewed by Herb.] Mr. Welch had been in bad health. We…we go now to the scene. Gentleman, what happened.

[Herb is sitting on a bench holding a microphone. His eyes and mouth are wide open, and he has apparently stopped breathing.]

Ken Yi: The guy started to cough and then he turned pale and he wasn’t breathing…

Herb Welch: Sulplise! (Said in a Japanese accent) [He gets up, lunges towards Ken, and begins hitting him with the microphone, as Dan tries to break it up.]

Jack Rizzoli: Cut away! Cut away! Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Well, it appears that Mr. Welch is still alive and as unprofessional as ever.

[Jack is suddenly hit in the face with a microphone. Herb apparently made a quick trip to the studio.]


[The WXPD New York logo is shown once again.] [Fade out.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 2010-2011

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: 2010-2011


  • Fred Armisen
  • Abby Elliott
  • Bill Hader
  • Seth Meyers
  • Bobby Moynihan
  • Andy Samberg
  • Jason Sudeikis
  • Kenan Thompson
  • Kristen Wiig

  • Vanessa Bayer
  • Paul Brittain
  • Taran Killam
  • Nasim Pedrad
  • Jay Pharoah
  • Writers:

  • Doug Abeles
  • James Anderson
  • Alex Baze
  • Heather Anne Campbell
  • Jessica Conrad
  • Jim Downey
  • Tom Flanigan
  • Shelly Gossman
  • Steve Higgins
  • Colin Jost
  • Erik Kenward
  • Rob Klein
  • Jonathan Krisel
  • Seth Meyers
  • Lorne Michaels
  • John Mulaney
  • Christine Nangle
  • Michael Patrick O’Brien
  • Paula Pell
  • Simon Rich
  • Marika Sawyer
  • Akiva Schaffer
  • John Solomon
  • Kent Sublette
  • Bryan Tucker
  • Episodes

  • 09/25/10: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry
  • 10/02/10: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West
  • 10/09/10: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars
  • 10/23/10: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon
  • 10/30/10: Jon Hamm / Rihanna
  • 11/13/10: Scarlett Johansson / Arcade Fire
  • 11/20/10: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine
  • 12/04/10: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money
  • 12/11/10: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney
  • 12/18/10: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne
  • 01/08/11: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys
  • 01/15/11: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green
  • 01/29/11: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj
  • 02/05/11: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park
  • 02/12/11: Russell Brand / Chris Brown
  • 03/05/11: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes
  • 03/12/11: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J
  • 04/02/11: Elton John
  • 04/09/11: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters
  • 05/07/11: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding
  • 05/14/11: Ed Helms / Paul Simon
  • 05/21/11: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga
  • SummaryIt would be a reasonable argument to suggest that “SNL” became too comfortable generating high ratings through obvious gimmick tactics (the additional mid-week mini-shows which siphoned the quality of the regularly-scheduled shows, or the shameless Facebook campaign on Betty White’s behalf which ultimately revolved more on SNL’s past female cast members than the longtime TV veteran herself). Thankfully, other missteps seemed to have been addressed: Kristen Wiig, who was being overexposed as though the lone female performer in a cast of men, was used more sparingily; Jenny Slate, who immediately alienated viewers by dropping the F-bomb on her first show and made no impact aside from a single recurring character with little growth potential, was let go. However, the most prominent change, which arguably gave the new season a slight edge over the previous one, was the hiring of four new featured performers, the largest group of newcomers on SNL since Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis and Wiig burst on the scene five years earlier. Which is not to say that these new kids — Vanessa Bayer, Taran Killam, Jay Pharoah and Paul Brittain — made quite the same splash as the now-seasoned veterans, but there were moments throughout the season where it felt like they were really trying to make the show their own, providing some of the freshest sketches seen on the show over the last couple of years.

    SNL Transcripts