SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: Republican Candidate

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Republican Candidate

Republican Candidate…..Ed Helms

[ open on stock footage of eagle soaring, majestic fields, etc. ]

Announcer: This election season, America will decide if we want four more years of politics as usual… or if we think, as a nation, we can do better.

[ dissolve to random Republican candidate seated on his desk ]

Republican Candidate: I think we can do better. Hello, I’m either Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, or Gary Johnson. And I believe I’M the man that can get this country back on track.

[ cut to close-up shot ]

I understand that, with such a crowded field of candidates, it’s hard to tell us apart. We all look the same, and our names are boring. But, whoever I am, there are some things I know to be true.

[ cut to wide shot ]

I know that free enterprise is the beating heart of any vibrant democracy. I know that I’m a white male between the ages of 45 and 60. I know that I’m not Donald Trump or Newt Gingrich, because you know what they look like. But I might be Joh Huntsman or John Thune. In conclusion: My dad, the military, dogs, church stuff.

I’m Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, John Thune, John Huntsman, Gary Johnson, Mitch Johnson, Tim Daniels, or Hunt Mitchman. And I approved this message.

[ cut to American flag graphic ]

Announcer: Paid for by Land’s End.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 22

This free script provided by]]> Widgets

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

Guest Writer:

May 21st, 2011

Justin Timberlake

Lady Gaga


Patricia Clarkson

Susan Sarandon

Bradley Cooper

Jimmy Fallon


Jorma Taccone

Strauss-Kahn’s CellSummary: Upon being admitted into Rikers Island, Dominique Strauss-Kahn (Taran Killam) is accosted by a pair of inmated (Kenan Thompson, Jay Pharoah) who want to discuss the world economy.



Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: Justin Timberlake sings about how he’s not going to sing on tonight’s show.


LiquorvilleSummary: A business owner (Kristen Wiig) dressed as a tea bag faces competition from Liquorville’s beer bottle (Justin Timberlake) and wine bottle (Lady Gaga) mascots.

Recurring Characters: Mascot.

WXPD NewsSummary: Elder reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) teeters through a live remote at a high school following a carbon monoxide scare.

Recurring Characters: Anchor, Herb Welch.


An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Dick in a Box”/”Mother Lover” bad boys (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) engage in a “3-Way (The Golden Rule)” with one girl (Lady Gaga).

Lady Gaga performs “The Edge Of Glory” and “Judas”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers asks “Really?!?” when Arnold Schwarzenegger reveals his 14-year affair with the family maid. During an installment of “Get in the Cage”, Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg) asks Bradley Cooper why he wasn’t in “The Hangover 2”. Seth Meyers says goodbye for the summer and heads off for a vacation getaway with Stefon (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: Nicolas Cage, Stefon.


What’s That Name?Summary: Celebrity game show contestant and all-around asshole Justin Timberlake can’t remember girl he had sex with (Abby Elliott) or former bandmate Chris Kirkpatrick (Taran Killam), while Lady Gaga easily recalls everyone she’s ever met.

Recurring Characters: Vince Blight.


Merryville Love Tunnel RideSummary: When the love tunnel ride breaks down on its track, amusement park visitor (Jason Sudeikis) is freaked out when the animatronic robots (Taran Killam, Justin Timberlake, Bill Hader) hit on his girlfriend (Nasim Pedrad).

Recurring Characters: Robot, Repairman.

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) and The Mysterious Crandell (Justin Timberlake) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.

Lady Gaga performs “Born This Way”

The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Robin Gibb (Justin Timberlake) remains mum while Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) issues insane threats to his political guests, just like all those other times.

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Rachel Maddow, Roland S. Martin.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVDSummary: The new DVD and Blu-Ray release features audition outtakes from 80’s-era celebrities.

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) has a pretty cool time interviewing Jimmy Fallon (Justin Timberlake) and singing with ?uestLove (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus.

MozartSummary: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (Justin Timberlake) arrogantly decides he should move on from composing music to doing live theater with his partner-in-crime Antonio Salieri (Andy Samberg).

SNL Transcripts