SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: The Buchanan Brothers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21










10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

The Buchanan Brothers

Platinum Buchanan…..Ed Helms
Sandy-Haired Buchanan…..Taran Killam
Dan Fouts…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Fouts…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Vanessa Bayer
Boyfriend…..Paul Brittain

INT. FOUTS HOME – NIGHT

[ DAN FOUTS & HIS WIFE observe their daughter and her date before they step out for the evening. ]

Boyfriend: Don’t worry, Mr. & Mrs. Fouts — your daughter’s in good hands.

Daughter: Bye Mom! Bye Dad! Don’t wait up for me…

Mrs. Fouts: What time will you be home?

Daughter: Who knows? It’s prom night!

[ The youngsters depart. ]

Mrs. Fouts: I’m worried, Dan.

Dan Fouts: About what?

Mrs. Fouts: They’re not going to… do it? Are they?

Dan Fouts: I did IT all to YOU on our Prom Night.

Mrs. Fouts: But we grew up in a nastier time.

Dan Fouts: Don’t worry. I put this in their car —

[ He holds up a CD. ]

[ COVER ART OF “THE BUCHANAN BROTHERS – KEEPING IT SOFT: ULTIMATE TURN-OFFS” ]

Mrs. Fouts (V/O): “The Buchanan Brothers – Keeping it Soft: Ulitmate Turn-Offs” Collection.

Dan Fouts: There’s a lot of songs out there to put you in the mood. But listen as Buchanan Brothers take you OUT of the mood… WAY OUT!

[ CUT TO PERFORMING STAGE ]

[ THE BUCHANAN BROTHERS, one PLATINUM BLONDE, moustached and the other SANDY-HAIRED, clean shaven, wear matching retro 70’s wardrobes and sway to an opening melody. ]

[ SUPER: “REMEMBER THAT” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “You’re both getting closer.
The night’s feeling so right.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “Let me ask you a question,
before your love takes flight.”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “Remember when you saw your
grandmother’s naked boobie?”

Both: [ singing ] “Remember that time you saw?
Remember that time you saw?
A single, flapping naked boob!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

[ The couple is discomforted after hearing the previous track. ]

Dan Fouts: That’s no fun to think about!

Mrs. Fouts: Makes me feel weird.

Dan Fouts: No one’s getting laid after that — or this…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “DEEP DOWN” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “Soft hug.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “Soft kiss.”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “Now think about a carpeted bathroom.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “There’s never a time that carpet dries out.”

Both: [ singing ] “If you pulled it up, you’d see
thousands of silver fish.”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Dan Fouts: Ugh! That was fairly gross.

Mrs. Fouts: I’ll say. And the Buchanan Brothers really bring the unsexy back with this next hit…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “SO RIGHT” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “Think about the Native Americans.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “Think about what we did to them.”

Both: [ singing ] “We’ll never make that right!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Dan Fouts: How could anyone make love with exploited, Native Americans on their mind?

Mrs. Fouts: That’s the point. And there’s more… with songs like – –

[ SUPER: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath” ]

Dan Fouts: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath”

[ SUPER: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You” ]

Mrs. Fouts: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You”

[ SUPER: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise” ]

Dan Fouts: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise.” And…

[ SUPER: “Adult Baptisms” ]

Mrs. Fouts: “Adult Baptisms”

Dan Fouts: Plus, this “keep-it-in-your pants” single…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “IRRE’CYST’ABLE” ]

Both: [ singing ] “Some cysts can
grow teeth and hair.
What if one’s
inside you now?
Growing teeth and hair!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

[ The couple’s daughter comes storming in. ]

Daughter: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! I don’t want to talk about it! Good night!

[ She runs upstairs quick. ]

Mrs. Fouts: Sounds like somebody had a horrible night.

[ Dan chuckles. ]

Dan Fouts: Let’s hope it the first of many more to come.

Mrs. Fouts: Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!

Dan Fouts: We’re great parents!

Mrs. Fouts: We sure are! [ a beat ] Hey, I’m in the mood. Let’s say we go upstairs and finish what they couldn’t get started.

Dan Fouts: Hang on — let’s listen to this bonus track first…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “DUST = 90% SKIN” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “I love you!”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “And I want you!”

Both: [ singing ] “Did you know that
90% of dust is skin!”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “You breathe in other people’s skin!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Mrs. Fouts: Never mind about going upstairs now.

Dan Fouts: Good. Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!

[ CD COVER ART ]

[ SUPER: AVAILABLE WHEREVER CD’S ARE STILL SOLD. ]

Announcer: Available wherever CD’s are still sold.

[ END ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: Republican Candidate



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21




10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Republican Candidate

Republican Candidate…..Ed Helms

[ open on stock footage of eagle soaring, majestic fields, etc. ]

Announcer: This election season, America will decide if we want four more years of politics as usual… or if we think, as a nation, we can do better.

[ dissolve to random Republican candidate seated on his desk ]

Republican Candidate: I think we can do better. Hello, I’m either Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, or Gary Johnson. And I believe I’M the man that can get this country back on track.

[ cut to close-up shot ]

I understand that, with such a crowded field of candidates, it’s hard to tell us apart. We all look the same, and our names are boring. But, whoever I am, there are some things I know to be true.

[ cut to wide shot ]

I know that free enterprise is the beating heart of any vibrant democracy. I know that I’m a white male between the ages of 45 and 60. I know that I’m not Donald Trump or Newt Gingrich, because you know what they look like. But I might be Joh Huntsman or John Thune. In conclusion: My dad, the military, dogs, church stuff.

I’m Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, John Thune, John Huntsman, Gary Johnson, Mitch Johnson, Tim Daniels, or Hunt Mitchman. And I approved this message.

[ cut to American flag graphic ]

Announcer: Paid for by Land’s End.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts