SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11: Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

…..Justin Timberlake

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Justin Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: Wow! Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Wow! Thank you mom, I’m glad you’re here tonight mom. Um.. here we are, I’m so excted to be hosting the seson finale of “Saturday Night Live”. Now, in the past when I’ve hosted this show, I’ve also beeen the musical guest. But tonight is different. Okay? Tonight, Lady Gaga is here. Oh, I know yeah! And, ugh, I told Lorne this is great! Now there’s no pressure on me to sing because it’s Gaga’s moment. And then he said, “You’ll do one song, right?” And I said, “I don’t think so.” And he said, “Justin.” And I said, “Lorne.” And he said, “Please”, and he said, “Justin”, and I said, “Lorne”, and he said, “Justin”, and I said, “NO!… Lorne.” And, finally, I realized I had to explain it in a way he’d understand.

[ singing]“I’m not gonna sing tonight.
No, I’m not gonna sing tonight.
I know you want me to sing and dance around
but I’m gonna let down
’cause I’m not gonna sing tonight.

No I’m not gonna do that.
Just here to do the comedy thing.
And, I’m not gonna sing tonight.
Not gonna do that thing where my voice goes high!
Even though people love it.
Not gonna make the beat drop out.
Then bring it back in
’cause I’m not gonna sing tonight.

Not gonna slow it down a bit
And as I step off stage and make my way to a lady.
And sing to her like she’s the only one here tonight.
You are.
Not gonna do that thing where I sing to the lens without breaking eye contact.
Not gonna do my sexy voice or take a single sexy breath tonight.
Not gonna sing!
I’m not gonna sing!
No matter how much you cry!
I don’t wanna sing!
Just let me do my thing.
And my thing ain’t to sing, no!

Not gonna do that thing where I take my jacket off and do a silly dance move.
And don’t give me a pork-pied hat ’cause I won’t put it on tonight.
Not gonna do that thing where I shout out a place to get myself some cheaper beers!
Don’t need to do that thing, ’cause I’m in New York City tonight!
Right? Anybody here from Jersey?
Huh? Alright!
So this will be fast.

Not gonna stand in the rain and sing a song like my heart’s been broken.
I did that in a video once and I’m not gonna do it tonight.
I’m not gonna do that thing!
I’m not gonna do that sing!
I’m not gonna sing, said I’m not gonna sing, I’m not gonna sing….

Justin Timberlake: Lady Gaga is here! Stick around, we’ve got a great show! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 05/21/11: What’s That Name?

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

What’s That Name?

Vince Blight…..Bill Hader
…..Justin Timberlake
…..Lady Gaga
Katie…..Abby Elliott
Alphonse…..Fred Armisen
Chris Kirkpatrick…..Taran Killam

Announcer: And now, it’s time to play: “What’s That Name?” And here’s your host — Vince Blight!

[ Vince Blight runs onto the game set ]

Vince Blight: Hello! Hello and welcome to “What’s That Name?: Celebrity Edition”! The rules are the same as always: We show you a person, you tell us their name. And our contestants today are JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!!

Justin Timberlake: Alright! How you doing, Vince Blight!

Vince Blight: Good, good! And LADY GAGA!!

Lady Gaga: [ covering one eye ] I’m ready to play… and win!

Vince Blight: Alright! And the firt question goes to you, Justin: [ reveal image ] “This funky feline rapped with Paula Abdul.” What’s That Name?

Justin Timberlake: I know that. Uhhhh… that’s MC Skat Cat!

[ ding! ]

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ] “Two steps forward, two steps back…”

Vince Blight: Oh, you’re the man, J.T.! You just won ten dollars. Next up: Lady Gaga. [ reveal image ] “Though best known for acting in ‘The Princess Bride’, he’s also written several off-Broadway plays.”

Lady Gaga: That is Wallace Shawn.

[ ding! ]

Vince Blight: Alright! Ten dollars to you! Ready to go again, J.T.?

Justin Timberlake: You know it, Vince!

Vince Blight: [ he chuckles ] Ah, this next question is worth $100,000! Here to read the clue… is the woman herself.

[ Katie runs out ]

Katie: We made love at the W Hotel two weeks ago. It was after your premiere. You told me I was beautiful, and to, uh, never give up on my photography! What’s my name?

Justin Timberlake: [ dumbfounded ] …Hey, girl! You… you look good!

Katie: I know! That’s why you had sex with me! What’s my name? We had an inside joke about how my feet were cold! What’s my name?

Justin Timberlake: Uhhh… a hot babe like you… you gotta have a hot name! So… Cheyenne.

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Audience! What’s That Name?

Audience: KATIE!!

Katie: Maybe you would have remembered me… if I was a rapping cat.

Vince Blight: Ooooooohhhh! Good takedown!

Justin Timberlake: [ defensive ] Okay, look — what the hell kind of show is this?

Vince Blight: It’s “What’s That Name?: Celebrity Edition”! Okay, Lady Gaga, you’re up next.

Justin Timberlake: Get ready, Gaga… this game’s tough.

Vince Blight: We’ve got another walk-on clue.

[ Alphone steps out ]

Alphonse: You don’t know me. I saw your Monster show and I hung out by the stage door.

Lady Gaga: [ excited ] Al-Phonse!

[ ding! ]

Justin Timberlake: How — how could you remember him?

Lady Gaga: He said he loves my music. You don’t forget something like that!

[ Timberlake appears stung ]

Lady Gaga: Alphonse. The woman next to you in the Jazzy — that was your sister, Marie, right?

Alphonse: Yeah, yeah! You know, her knees are lousy.

Lady Gaga: Well, you go see MY guy at Lennox Hill! He’s the BEST! And you have him send me the bill.

Alphonse: I pray for you in church!

Lady Gaga: And I for you.

Justin Timberlake: This show’s awful

Vince Blight: I think you’re awful!

Justin Timberlake: Look, man… I’m just trying to raise some money for my charity, The Hope Foundation.

Vince Blight: [ sarcastically ] Ah, the Hope Foundation! What do they do?

Justin Timberlake: Well, you know… they, uh… uh… they, uh… they.. they raise hope. Uh… they raise hope —

[ buzz! ]

Lady Gaga: If I may, Vince: They promote musical education.

Vince Blight: Thanks, Gaga! And, uh, who are you playing for?

Lady Gaga: I am playing for the People of Japan, of course.

Vince Blight: Of course! Playing for any other cause would be a slap in their face! [ Timberlake is visibly annoyed ] So, Justin — you ready to forget the next name?

Justin Timberlake: [ irked ] Okay! Alright! I just want to say that I meet a lot of people every day, and I love ALL of my fans, okay? But when you only spend two minutes with someone in passing, it’s hard to remember their names!

Vince Blight: That’s fair. Okay, no worry, J.T. Next clue shouldn’t be hard. Bring him out1

[ Chris Kirkpatrick, formerly of N*Sync steps out ]

Chris Kirkpatrick: I was in N*Sync with you! But I’m NOT Lance Bass, you, or Jowy Fatone! What’s my name?

[ Timberlake is dumbstruck, as Lady Gaga covers her mouth ]

Vince Blight: If you can tell me even part of his name… I’ll give every charity on Earth TEN MILLION DOLLARS!

Lady Gaga: [ still covering her mouth ] Oh, I know it, I know it, I know it, I know it…

Vince Blight: I KNOW you know it, Gaga! You know it! But it’s J.T.’s turn.

Chris Kirkpatrick: Come on, man! What’s my name, J.T.!

Justin Timberlake: [ shaking his head ] Uh… I think it’s like, uh… I know this. Uh… Chu-, Choy-. Char-… Charney! Chartie!

Vince Blight: [ amused ] You think his name is “Chartie”? We don’t need a buzzer to know that that’s wrong! But let’s hear one, anyway!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Audience! What’s That Name!



Justin Timberlake: I — I — I knew that! I knew that! I knew that!

Vince Blight: Yeah, okay — what’s his name? Real quick! We just said it!

Justin Timberlake: [ stumbling ] Kirk — Kirk — Kirk Charlie!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: You are awful! You’re awful! And that’s our show. I’d like to thank the two of you for playing!

Lady Gaga: And I… would like to thank the crew. The entire crew! Eddie… Mike C… Donna. And everyone in the audience: Matt…

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts