SNL Transcripts: Amy Poehler: 09/25/10



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:













Bit Players:

Guest Writer:

September 25th, 2010

Amy Poehler

Katy Perry

None

Justin Timberlake

Rachel Dratch

Tina Fey

Jimmy Fallon

Maya Rudolph

Gov. David Paterson

Peter Sarsgaard

None

Emily Spivey

RNC HeadquartersSummary: At the Republican National Committee Headquarters, Christine O’Donnell (Kristen Wiig) rattles off more problematic disgressions from her past.

Transcript

Montage

Amy Poehler’s MonologueSummary: Amy Poehler announces that it’s a dream come true to host “SNL”, then relives her recurring stress dream of being late for the show amid a slew of gratutious celebrity cameos.

Transcript

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with a provocatively dressed teenager (Katy Perry) who volunteers as a children’s story reader at the local library.

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.

BosleySummary: Spokesperson (Jason Sudeikis) explains the hair loss restoration system that uses pubic hair as a baldness solution.

Maternity MattersSummary: Aggressive producer Roger Brush (Fred Armisen) fills in when the regular female host is too ill to do the show.

Recurring Characters: Roger Brush.

Transcript

Mosque at Ground ZeroSummary: Pitchman (Bill Hader) lauds the whirlwind of anti-Democratic activity taking place at the Mosque at Ground Zero.

Transcript

Katy Perry performs “California Gurls”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” in regards to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Although Will Smith (Jay Pharoah) didn’t star in a summer blockbuster this year, he’s thrilled that his spawn has been active on-screen. The real Gov. David Paterson confronts Fred Armisen about the achievements he’s made as a blind governor.

Recurring Characters: Will Smith, Gov. David Paterson.

The Lean YearsSummary: Amy Poehler stars in Showtime’s latest series, which focuses on Amber, a foul-mouthed girl whose private secret is that she only has one leg.

Recurring Characters: Amber.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: At the Academy Awards, Katy Perry sings the title track for the film “Boogerman”, starring Peter Sarsgaard.

Ladies Who LunchSummary: Sylvia (Kristen Wiig) is jealous that Trish’s (Amy Poehler) tiny hats are consistently tinier than her tiny hats.

Transcript

Katy Perry performs “Teenage Dream”

Actor II ActorSummary: Acting enthusiast Andy Samberg ponders when thespian Justin Timberlake will put his craft aside and return to making music.

Transcript

The Even More ExpendablesSummary: Sequels to “The Expendables” feature an ever-expanding collection of quasi-celebrities together in bulk action flicks.

Recurring Characters: Kim Jong Il, Chris Tucker, Rod Blagojevich, Steven Seagal, Tracy Chapman, Brigitte Nielsen.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message From Hillary ClintonSummary: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) addresses the public about President Obama’s ratings.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

Pepto Bismol IceSummary: Summary: The upset stomach reliever that won’t interrupt a night of wreckless drinking and partying.

Note: This filmed piece will air on next week’s episode hosted by Bryan Cranston.

Family FeudSummary: New host Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) can’t seem to pronounce any of the answers.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.

LobotomySummary: After his lobotomy, a patient (Andy Samberg) can’t comprehend scientists’ (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) scientific terms.

American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Dana Carvey, a hippie talks about the good old days.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bryan Cranston: 10/02/10: I-Sleep Pro



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2










10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

I-Sleep Pro

Businessman…..Kenan Thompson

[Opens with a black businessman entering a hotel room. He puts his bags down, loosens his tie, he’s ready to go to bed in his pajamas]

Announcer: Traveling can be tough. Especially if you find it difficult to sleep in a strange room. You’ve tried white noise machines, but they just don’t work.

[Black businessman tosses and turns in his bed, unable to sleep]

Announcer: That’s why Sharper Image has created the I-Sleep Pro.

[Black businessman holds the little machine up]

Announcer: The I-Sleep Pro not only has a setting for White Noise… but also one for Black Noise.

[Black businessman sets dial on the I-Sleep Pro machine to Black Noise and goes to bed]

Announcer: Now you have the soothing sounds you’re used to. Sounds like muffled Tyler Perry sitcoms.

[ Caption: “Muffled Tyler Perry Sitcoms.” ] [Black businessman is fast asleep with the muffled sounds] [2:23 a.m.]

Voice from Sitcom: [muffled] What if he comes in?! What if he comes in?!

Voice: [muffled] I wish tha’ fool wou’ come in!

Announcer: An old lady complaining about foot problems through the wall.

[ Caption: “Old Lady Complaining About Foot Problems.” ]

Voice: [muffled] Lord Jesus! I can’t walk on it no mo’!

Announcer: Bass.

[ Caption: “Bass.” ] [4:52 a.m.] [Sounds of muffled rap heavy bass. Thump, thump, thump. Black businessman sleeps like a baby]

Announcer: Domestic arguments.

[ Caption: “Domestic arguments.” ]

Female Voice: [muffled] I told ya’! I don’t know him!

Male Voice: [muffled] You lie!

Announcer: And the movie “Friday”.

Voice of Ice Cube: [muffled] You think he playin’ wit’ you?!

Voice of Chris Tucker: [muffled] Man, that fool ain’t goin’ do nothin’!

Announcer: So you can get the rest you need. And get ready to take on the world.

[Black businessman is all relaxed in his business suit getting ready to leave his hotel room. He smiles.]

Announcer: I-Sleep-Pro. Get the sleep you need.

[I-Sleep-Pro machine next to a wonderful breakfast plate. 7:00 a.m.] [ Caption: I-Sleep Pro logo. ] [fade] [cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts