SNL Transcripts: Jane Lynch: 10/09/10: Ask Gloria Allred

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Ask Gloria Allred

Gloria Allred…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: [ over text card ] “The following program is presented by attorney Gloria Allred, and is intended solely for self-promotion.”

[ dissolve to title card ]

Female Announcer: “Ask Gloria Allred”.

[ dissolve to series of still photos ]

Female Announcer: Attorney Gloria Allred is a true legal superstar, recognized the world over for her near round-the-clock television appearances, and is a tireless champion for society’s forgotten victims. From Scott Peterson’s girlfriend, Amber Frey, to Tiger Woods’ mistresses #2, 5, 9, and 11, to a guy in the audience at the Laugh Factory the night Michael Richards used the N-word. Here now, is Gloria Allred.

[ dissolve to Gloria Allred sitting in her office ]

Gloria Allred: Hello, and welcome to this addition of “Ask Gloria Allred”. I’m Gloria Allred. This week, many of you have written or e-mailed to congratulate me on my recent press conference with Nicky Diaz. Nicky is the undocumented worker from Mexico who was employed by Meg Whitman — currently the Republican candidate for governor of California — as a housekeeper. While working for the Whitmans, Nicky suffered continuous emotional abuse and was forced to perform a series of horrendous and degrading tasks, from sorting and washing laundry to vacuuming carpets and dusting venetian blinds, all under the threat that if she did NOT perform these sickening acts they would not pay her. It is a heart-wrenching story, and many of you thanked me for bringing it to the nation’s attention. But some have questions.

For example, Paul from Indianapolis asks: “As her attorney, how could you let Ms. Diaz announce on television that she is in the country illegally? Because of your reckless attention-seeking, won’t she be arrested and deported?”

That’s a good question, Paul. I hadn’t really thought about it. I’m going to recommend that Nicky hire a good immigration lawyer.

Karen from Boston asks: “I saw your latest freak-show press conference with Ms. Diaz, and I have to ask: Is there anything you won’t do to push your butt-ugly mug in front of a camera?”

Another good question, Karen. I have to think about that, but I guess my answer would be “No.”

Steven from New Orleans asks: “Why do you talk so loud? Or does it just seem that way, because your manner is so grating?”

Probably a bit of both, Steven. I’m naturally a very pushy person and find that by talking loudly, people are forced to listen to me, even if they would prefer not to.

Kevin from Fort Collins, Colorado asks: “Tell me, Gloria. Has a more disgusting creature than yourself ever walked the face of the earth?”

Wow! A lot of good questions tonight. I don’t know the answer, Kevin. I suppose, since man in his present form has been around for about 250,000 years, there MUST have been somebody, but I really can’t say for sure.

Denise from Nashville asks: “When you die, Gloria, and you go instantly to Hell, which I think we can all agree will absolutely happen — will you just burn with all the other ambulance-chasers who spent their lives bringing misery into the world, or will there be a special ring or level of Hell just for you?”

Oh my, Denise, that is such a profound question! Who knows? All I can say is I sincerely hope so. That would be nice.

Well, that’s it for tonight’s show! We’ll see you next week. Until then, please pay attention to me, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Amy Poehler: 09/25/10: Ladies Who Lunch

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Ladies Who Lunch

Abby…..Abby Elliott
Vanessa…..Vanessa Bayer
Sylvia…..Kristen Wiig
Trish…..Amy Poehler
Fashion Designer…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Chez Henri ] [ dissolve to outdoor table as a group of ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To another great lunch!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Abby: Sylvia, I have to ask: Where did you get that dress?

Sylvia: Oh. It’s actually a very funny story: I was at the Chanel store, just minding my own business, when this man came up to me —

Vanessa: Oh! [ waving ] Trish! We’re over here!

Sylvia: [ continuing ] So this man at the Chanel store came over to me —

Abby: Wait a minute, Sylvia. Everyone, look at Trish’s hat!

[ Trish, wearing a tiny hat, takes her seat ]

Trish: Oh, hi. Sorry I’m late.

Vanessa: My God, Trish! That’s the most adorable little hat I’ve ever seen!

Trish: [ with forced modesty ] Oh. This?

Abby: It’s perfect!

Vanessa: Tiny hats were the rage at Fashion Week! Don’t you just love it, Sylvia?

Sylvia: [ irked that she hasn’t gotten to finish her story ] It’s a very… small hat. Anyway, Trish, I was just telling the girls the wildest story. [ She continues ] So I was at Chanel —

[ a flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table while holding a Bichon Frise ]

Fashion Designer: I’m sorry — I never do this but thathat… ROCKS!

[ he walks off ]

Abby & Vanessa: Absolutely! It’s fantastic! It’s just so perfectly Trish…!

[ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves salad into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ] [ cut to exterior, Chez Henri ] [ SUPER: “One Week Later” ] [ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To US!!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Sylvia: [ wearing a tiny hat of her own ] Oh, yes — to us!

Abby: Love the hat, Sylvia!

Vanessa: Yes.

Sylvia: Oh! [ she giggles ] Thank you!

[ Trish enters wearing her samze-sized tiny hat ]

Trish: Ohhh, sorry I’m late!

Vanessa: Trish! Look at Sylvia! I guess you’re not the only one with an adorable little hat any more!

Trish: Ohhhh, how nice, Sylvia.

Sylvia: [ giggling triumphantly ] Thank you, Trish.

Trish: I tip my hat to you! [ she removes her hat to reveal a tinier hat beneath ]

Vanessa: No!

Abby: A smaller hat?!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table again ]

Fashion Designer: Advantage: Trish!

[ he walks off ]

Vanessa: Trish is a fashion icon!

Abby: She’s amazing!

Vanessa: Unbelievable!

[ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves bread into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ] [ cut to exterior, Chez Henri, with sign: “Trish Eats Here!” ] [ SUPER: “One Week Later” ] [ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To women!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Abby: So, Sylvia — no hat this week?

Sylvia: [ smirking ] Oh! Oh, I’m wearing a hat. [ she pulls up a microscope and places it on the table ] Take a look into the microscope.

Abby: Hmm?

Sylvia: Tell me what you see! [ she lays her head on the slide ]

Abby: Mmm-hmm. [ she peers into the microscope ] Oh, my God! It’s a microscopic hat!!

[ reveal the image of a hat between hair follicles on the slide ]

Sylvia: [ proudly ] It’s the smallest hat known to man! It cost me $4 million!

Vanessa: I wonder how Trish will respond?

Abby: I think she already has

[ reveal a microscopic Trish also on the slide, wearing an even tinier hat to match her tiny proportions ] And her HAT!!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer is also of microscopic size, and walks past Trish to admire her hat ]

Vanessa: She is just amazing! No one beats Trish!

[ Sylvia, her head still on the slide, shoves a breadstick into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ] [ cut to exterior, Trish’s, with sign: “Home of the Tiny Hat” ] [ SUPER: “One Week Later” ] [ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To Trish!

Sylvia: [ irked ] To Trish?! To Trish?! W-what, did she get another stupid hat?!

Vanessa: Sylvia!

Sylvia: I mean it! As far as I’m concerned, she can just take all her little hats and shove them up her —

Abby: SYLVIA!!

Vanessa: [ calmy ] Trish… died this morning.

[ Sylvia appears stunned ]

Abby: She was in a motorcycle crash — [ choking up ] and her helmet was tiny.

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table again, crying ]

Fashion Designer: Ohhhhhhhhhh! [ to Sylvia ] It should have been you!

[ he walks off ]

Sylvia: Oh… I feel awful

[ suddenly, Trish sits down ]

Trish: Oh! Am I late?

Vanessa: Trish! You’re alive!

Trish: [ she laughs ] Faking your own death is the NEW tiny hat!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer returns, cheerful as ever ]

Fashion Designer: Hat’s all, folks!

[ they all share the laugh, as Sylvia shoves pepper down her throat ] [ dissolve to New York Post headline: “Pope: ‘You Go, Trish!'” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts