SNL Transcripts: Emma Stone: 10/23/10: “Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 4

10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

“Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium

Ed Vincent…..Paul Brittain
Girl…..Emma Stone

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following is a paid advertisement for Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium” ] [ cut to close-up of Ed Vincent ]

Ed Vincent: Hello! My name is Ed Vincent, I’m a sex education educator. So you can call me “Sex” Ed — that’s me. “Sex” Ed — that’s me!

[ SUPER: “The following is required by NYSBSH” ]

Ed Vincent: Now, the New York Board of Sexual Health requires me to read the following disclaimer: “Ed Vincent is an amateur sex education enthusiast, whose presentations are for novelty purposes only.” They’re entitled to their opinion —

[ cut to Symposium graphics ]

Ed Vincent V/O: But at Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium — “A frank, no nonsense talk about sex” — you’ll get MY opinion!

[ show footage of the 3 Day Seminar ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Over the course of three days, you’ll be treated to lectures covering a WIDE variety of topics — including Gender Roles, Anatomical Limits, Cyber Sex, and Taboos.

[ zoom in on the lecture in progress ]

Ed Vincent: What is abnormal? Right? What is… abnormal sexual behavior? Who decides, you know? [ a woman in the audience jots that information in her notepad ] Uh, who gets to determine, you know, what’s okay, you know, and then what’s weird?

[ cut to another part of the lecture ]

Ed Vincent: Take this fellow right here! What if, uh, you know, he has somebody, you know, pee into a cardboard birthday hat — right? Uh, and then he has them, you know, pour that right down his back… collect that in a second birthday hat — this fellow CLIMAXES because of that. [ the man nods ] Is that weird? Is that… ABNORMAL? Who’s to say?

[ cut to “Day 2” graphic ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Day 2 focuses on Health and Safety, with lectures on: Measuring Consent, Avoiding STD’s: Hetereosexual, and Avoiding STD’S: Homosexual.

[ zoom in on the lecture in progress ]

Ed Vincent: We’ve got a couple of fellows — right? — and they’re looking for a safer sex option. Okay, everybody see that? [ he holds two fingers together at a perpendicular angle ] That’s the front of a penis… into the side of a penis. This fellow right here, you’re pushing the front of your penis into a nice… side of a penis! VERY pleasurable. No risks of contracting a gosh-darn thing! Uhhh — this one here, I call the Infinite Swirl. [ he twirls two fingers around one another ] Okay? See that, when you get a side of penis, a side of penis! Top of penis, bottom of penis! Side of penis, side of penis! Top of penis, bottom of penis — and on and on and on and on, into INFINITY!

[ cut to “Day 3” graphic ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Day 3 is devoted to Fantasy Role Play Scenarios, including: Sexy Hospital, Sexy Insurance Scam, AND Sexy Robbery.

[ zoom in on the fantasy role play in progress, girl playing robber as Ed Vincent in housecoat portrays the victim ]

Girl: — I said on the floor, lady!

Ed Vincent: [ squatting ] Oh, great! Well, do whatever you want with me — just don’t shoot my brains out.

[ the Girl pauses ]

Ed Vincent: [ to the group ] You see? Now, what’s she gonna do? She starts thinking of something. [ to the girl ] Now what are you gonna do?

Girl: [ thinking ] We could… polish that apple between our butt cheeks…?

Ed Vincent: Without letting it hit the floor?

Girl: Yeah, I don’t know — is that kinky, or is that weird?

Ed Vincent: You tell meis it?

Girl: Who’s to say.

Ed Vincent: EXACTLY!

Everyone: WHO’S… TO SAY??

[ cut to Ed Vincent passing out star balloons to his group ]

Ed Vincent V/O: So don’t miss “Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium, a three-day lecture series coming to the La Quinta Inn in Rochester, New York —

[ cut to Ed Vincent holding his fingers together at a perpendicular angle ]

Ed Vincent: Right at the intersection of Sheridan and Bryan! [ smiling ] This is Sheridan… and that’s Bryan!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bryan Cranston: 10/02/10: C-Span

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West


President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg
Peter Rouse…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span “Next” card ]

Announcer: Next on C-SPAN: Yesterday, at a special ceremony, Rahm Emanuel officially stepped down as White House Chief of Staff.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama behind podium, flanked by a confident Rahm Emanuel and timid Peter Rouse ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Thank you. Hello. Uh, good morning. Uh, today my administration says goodbye to a friend… a fighter… a warrior. A man you want in your corner when the going gets rough. A man who won’t take “No” for an answer. A man who has twisted a few arms and, uh, poked a few chests. A man who knows no fear, but knows how to make others afraid. You know him as Rahm Emanuel, but, to me, he will always be Rahmbo.

[ the two men bump fists ]

Uhh, Rahm will be replaced as White House Chief of Staff by Peter Rouse. Uh, Pete hails from Connecticut and is a lover of cats. [ Rouse shies away ] Come on back, Pete. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Uh, but enough about me. Today belongs to Rahm. Rahm?

Rahm Emanuel: Thank you, Mr. President. As the president reminded us just now, I do have a certain reputation amongst my colleagues in the administration and Congress. Now, has my manner sometimes been a bit aggressive? Probably. Could my personality be fairly described as abrasive? Yes, it could. Do I lack even basic social skills? Absolutely. Does a little bit of me go a long way? Indeed, it does. In my job, have I at times used ugly strong-arm methods to get support for this president’s agenda? Guilty as charged. But, remember: there’s a big difference between arguing a point passionately and committing actual physical violence. And that’s a difference I completely lost sight of. Not in every case, but almost. And for that I am truly very sorry. Now, Pete? Come here. Come here, buddy.

[ Rouse reluctantly inches closer ]

If there’s one piece of advice that I can give to you, it’s this: Everyone in Washington is trying to kill you! All! The! Time! And it’s kill or be killed. Are you ready to kill a man, Pete?

[ Rouse shakes his head with fear ]

Are you ready to choke a man over a vote?

Peter Rouse: [ whimpering ] I don’t think so!

Rahm Emanuel: ‘Cause this is prison rules now, baby! Olay? On the first day, you gotta walk up to the biggest congressman you can find and say, ‘Nice to meet you.’ And when he goes to shake your hand, you STAB him in the NECK with a pencil! And then you scream, for everyone to hear: “I am Pete Rouse! But you can call me King f’n Kong! If any of you ladies got a problem with that, I will FIGHT you in the men’s room!” You ready to be King Kong, Pete?

Peter Rouse: [ crying ] No-o-o!

Rahm Emanuel: Are you ready to let the part of you that’s human die?

Peter Rouse: No! I don’t think I want this job any more…

Rahm Emanuel: You can’t cry, buddy. Okay? If you cry, it’s over. If you cry, it’s shawshank! Here. I want you to have this. [ he holds up a razor blade ] It’s a razor blade. Keep it in your mouth. Hopefully, you’ll never have to use it, but it’s still nice to feel the metal against your gums.

Peter Rouse: [ crying, as he removes the blade from his mouth ] I wanna go ho-o-ome!

Rahm Emanuel: [ he puts his finger on Rouse’s lips ] Shhhh, shhhh! [ whispering ] You have no home now. Home is for people. But you? You’re a monster.

[ Emanuel kisses Rouse’s forehead, then shoves him off-screen ]

Today I am leaving the hardest and the best job I’ve ever had. Now, did I make a difference? I hope so. I do know one thing for certain: [ he sniffles ] I made a lot of friends. [ he looks off-screen ] What’s that? I didn’t? Really? No friends at all? Right. Because of my personality. [ he tsks ] Well, there’s not much more else to say. I want once again to thank the president for this opportunity, and to wish him good luck dealing with the new angry Republican majorities in Congress. On that score, I’m sure Pete will do just fine.

[ Rouse continues to cry ]

And, one last thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts