SNL Transcripts: Emma Stone: 10/23/10: My Brother Knows Everything



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4


















10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

My Brother Knows Everythings

Morgan…..Nasim Pedrad
Meredith…..Emma Stone
Erik…..Andy Samberg

[ open on snowy TV image ] [ dissolve to camcorder view of Morgan position the camera in front of her ]

Morgan: Hey! I’m Morgan, I’m 11, and you’re watching another episode of… “My Brother Knows Everything”!

[ cut to show logo and images ]

Jingle:
“My brother knows everything!Oh yeah!He pretty much knows everything!He does neat stuff, and then I tell you that stuff!I’m telling you all the stuff that my brother tells me!My brother knows everything!”

[ cut back to Morgan ]

Morgan: Okay! Welcome to the show! Today, as always, I’ll be celebrating my older brother Erik! He’s basically the coolest fifteen-year old, like, in the world. Let’s meet him in a segment called “Get Away From Me!” Check it out!

[ cut to clip: Erik playing X-Box in his room ]

Morgan: Hey, Erik! Can I watch you play X-Box?

Erik: Get away from me!

[ he thrusts his arm forward and pushes the camcorder view away from him; the video feed turns to snow ] [ return to Morgan hosting the show ]

Morgan: Okay, my co-host tonight is my best friend and next-door neighbor — Meredith!

[ reveal Meredith seated at Megan’s right ]

Meredith: Hey, Morgan! Great to be here! And can I just say your brother is a total hunk?

Morgan: Ewww! Gross! But… yeah! Okay! Now it’s time for a segment called… “Erik-splanations”! Here’s what Erik explained to me this week!

Meredith: [ grabbing cue cards ] Okay, Question 1: “What is ‘Freaking’?”

Morgan: That just means “grinding”!

Meredith: Question 2: “What is ‘grinding’?”

Morgan: It’s when you freak!

Meredith: Question 3: “How many times do people have to freak before they have a baby?”

Morgan: Seven! Okay! Now it’s time for a segment called… “Let’s Bro to the Movies”!

Meredith: This week, we’re reviewing “Jackass 3D”.

Morgan: Yeah! But we’re not allowed to see “Jackass 3D”, so, as, always — right? — we eavesdropped on my brother Erik talking about it with his friends!

Meredith: Okay, here’s our review: There’s a giant hand…

Morgan: And, apparently, when you least expect it, there’s a butt!

Meredith: [ she laughs moronically for a period ] Uh, and that’s our review of “Jackass 3D”.

Morgan: We give this movie… three-and-a-half Eriks!

[ graphic appears on-screen ]

Morgan: Okay! Now it’s time for a segment called… “Stop Being Weird”. Check it out!

[ cut to clip: Erik reading on his bed, as Morgan pops into the foreground ]

Morgan: Hey, Erik! Watch this!

[ Morgan begins to make bouncing fish faces ]

Erik: [ as he pushes Morgan out of frame ] STOP BEING WEIRD!!

[ the video feed turns to snow ] [ return to Morgan hosting the show ]

Morgan: Okay.

Meredith: Great.

Morgan: Thanks. Okay, and now it’s time for another segment, called… “Erik’an Idols”! This is where we count down the Top 5 cutest guys from the posters on Erik’s wall! [ she picks up each poster for the reveal ] Number Five: Al Pacino from “Scarface”.

Meredith: Sooooo cute!

Morgan: Yeah! Number Four: Pau Gasol from basketball!

Meredith: He looks like a hot ostrich…

Morgan: Number Three: Hellraiser!

Meredith: Take those nails out, and you got a hunk.

Morgan: Number Two: Mel Brooks as Yogurt in “Spaceballs”.

Meredith: Not my personal style, but I get it.

Morgan: And the Number One cutest guy is:

Together: NICHOLAS CAGE IN “GHOST RIDER”!!

Meredith: Whoo-oo-oo!

Morgan: That was fun!

Meredith: That was fun!

Morgan: Yeah!

[ sound effect: approaching footsteps ]

Morgan: Uh-oh! The sound of Erik coming up the stairs means it’s time for our LAST segment, called… “What Are You Doing in My Room?”

[ Erik appears ]

Erik: What are you doing in my room?!!

Morgan: I’m doing my show! It’s about YOU! You remember Meredith!

Meredith: [ embarrassed ] Hi… What’s “grinding”?

Erik: It’s when you FREAK!! Quit using my camera!!

[ Erik rushes toward the camcorder and turns the picture to snow ] [ the screen exits onto earlier filmed footage: Erik practicing with nunchuks ]

Erik: Erik’s Nunchuk Demo Reel: Take One! [ he whips the nunchuks around for a minute, then poses ] Ye-eah!

[ screen turns back to snow and returns to fresh footage of Morgan and Meredith smiling ]

Morgan: [ whispering ] Well… that’s our show!

Meredith: [ whispering ] Tune in next week when we finally get to the bottom of… Erik’s underwear drawer!

Morgan: [ whispering ] Yeah!

[ suddenly, Erik rushes back into the scene ]

Erik: I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!

[ the girl run off screaming ] [ cut to show logo ]

Jingle: “My Brother Knows Everything!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bryan Cranston: 10/02/10: The Miley Cyrus Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2














10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

The Miley Cyrus Show

Miley Cyrus…..Vanessa Bayer
Billy Ray Cyrus…..Bryan Cranston
Johnny Depp…..Paul Brittain
Jeff…..Andy Samberg

[ opening logo ]

Miley Cyrus V/O: Hey, y’all! It’s “The Miley Cyrus Show”! with ME — Miley Cyrus!

Jingle: “I got guests, and a show
And I’m ready to go!
So I guess that’s… pretty cool.
It’s pretty cool!”

[ dissolve to Miley Cyrus standing in place for her monologue ]

Miley Cyrus: Hello, it’s Miley, y’all! This is like my show where I like talk to people who are pretty cool and we’ll like talk about things I think are pretty cool, and yeah, it’s pretty cool! And my Miley Cyrus band over here, we got Billy Ray Cyrus!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Miley, you are an absolute sunshine! It is just nuts how special you are. You are like God’s gift!

Miley Cyrus: Okay dad, thank you. Ok, so now I’m gonna do like, my comedy monologue. So I don’t know if y’all saw, but there’s a study that like, only 5% of French people go to the gym. So, I thought that was pretty funny because like, 5%? That’s a PRETTY small number of people going to the gym! So that’s my monologue. I thought it was pretty funny.

Billy Ray Cyrus: [laughing; the drummer in the background laughs as well] Oh, baby, you are hi-larious! You are like a pretty little George Lopez!

Miley Cyrus: [embarrassed] Okay! So, my guest tonight is a really serious actor and stuff like that, and now I’m a serious actor and stuff like that, so this will be pretty cool. Please give a big “Shellow” to Johnny Depp! [Depp enters, disinterested and barely hugs her] So, Johnny Depp, you play a creepy guy a lot, which I think is pretty cool.

Johnny Depp: Yes, I uh, enjoy exploring some, uh, darker characters.

Miley Cyrus: Yeah, me too! So, I’ve [brief pause for audience laughs], I’ve been a fan of yours going like all the way back to Willy Wonka, and there’s something that I’ve always wanted to ask you: Like, how do you pick out which movies you’re gonna do and like what’s your favorite movie you ever did and like what’s your favorite role you ever did and like who’s your best friend and like how tall are you and like what eyeliner do you wear and like are you American?

Johnny Depp: Well, it’s… kind of a lot to process…

Billy Ray Cyrus: [laughing] Look out, Depp! My baby girl wants some answers, [does a lame gesture with both pointer fingers] she’s coming to get ‘em!

Miley Cyrus: [embarrassed] Dad!

Billy Ray Cyrus: You make me smile!

Miley Cyrus: So, Johnny Depp! Like, what is your next movie that’s coming out?

Johnny Depp: Actually, Tim Burton and I are working on a haunting adaptation of Good Night, Moon.

Miley Cyrus: [nods with slight confusion] Yeah, that’s pretty cool! So like, let’s roll the clip!

Johnny Depp: Oh, I didn’t bring a clip!

Miley Cyrus: No, it’s a clip from my movie. I think you’re gonna like it ‘cause it’s like, really dramatic. Let’s roll that clip!

[Miley and a soldier in uniform stand in the front yard of a house; the movie is titled “Goodbye, Jeff” and dramatic piano music is playing]

Jeff: When you miss me, just think of that old oak tree out in the yard and remember my promise.

Miley Cyrus: This is so sad, because like, you’re my boyfriend and like, we just fell in love and stuff like that, and it’s like so dramatic ‘cause you’re going off to war and stuff like that, [the soldier looks at the camera in confusion] and this is just like, so not cool! [Miley looks at the camera and grins; the clip ends]

Miley Cyrus: So, that was like, pretty cool, right? Okay! Well, that’s our show! I thought it was pretty cool!

Johnny Depp: Is that it? I flew here from the south of France.

Miley Cyrus: Oh my god, I love France! Did you know that like, only 5% of French people go to the gym? Remember that? It’s from my monologue. That’s pretty funny. Well, thanks for watching, y’all! [Theme song starts] Come on dad, let’s hit it! [Billy ray comes with his guitar] I got guests/ and a show / and I’m ready to go / so I guess that’s pretty cool!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Cool!

Miley Cyrus: It’s pretty cool!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Pretty cool!

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts