Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 3
Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Filter
[ open on college student Tom Miller using computer in his dorm room, as his roommate leans forward ]
Roommate: [ laughing ] Oh, man! It looks like you have a new Friend Request!
Tom: Oh, my God… this canNOT be happening…
[ Spokesman enters ]
Spokesman: Well, it finally happened — your Mom is on Facebook!
[ reveal Facebook screen: “Friend Request – Susan Miller – IT’S YOUR MOM! I’M ON THE FACEBOOK!!!” ]
Spokesman V/O: Posting things like:
[ Mom types in her kitchen ]
Mom: “October is getting all my Fall motif sweaters down — or maybe I should just “leaf” them up there! Ha ha ha!”
[ Tom reads the rest at his computer ]
Tom: “I am laughing out loud on the floor.”
Spokesman: Sure, she likes posting about her life… but she LOVES getting into yours.
[ reveal posted photo of Andy partying with a drunken girl ]
Mom: [ typing ] “Who’s your new friend? She looks… ill.”
[ Tom is not amused ]
Spokesman: Now you have to watch EVERYTHING you say! Unless you get the Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Filter. [ reveal product on Facebook screen ] It’s the only act that scans your Facebook page for stuff about drugs… alcohol… sex… references to your atheism… and opinions. Go ahead and type something that your Mom would hate.
Tom: [ typing ] “There isn’t enough beer in the world for me to deal with Glenn Beck’s holy roller B.S.”
Spokesman: Now apply the Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Filter.
[ Tom clicks the “Mom Filter” ]
Tom: [ reading the new message ] “Boy, so I need new dungarees.”
Mom: [ typing in her response ] “Hey, I’ve got a five dollar coupon from Kohl’s. I’ll send it to you.”
Spokesman: See, the Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Filter does what you do naturally — [ laughing ] It LIES to your Mom!
Spokesman: Even changing your photos to make them more Mom friendly.
[ the picture of the drunken girl at the party morphs into a ventriloquist’s dummy ]
[ a picture of tom smoking from a bong morphs into a saxophone ]
[ a picture of Tom naked morphs into a t-shirt that reads “Moms Rock!” ]
Spokesman: The Damn It, My Mom is on Facebook Fulter. For when your Mom discovers Facebook!
[ Mom clicks a “You Like This.” icon ]
[ Spokesman, Tom and Tom’s roommate click it right back ]
Spokesman, Tom, Roommate: Like!
[ fade ]