SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12: Biden’s Room



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21














11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

Biden’s Room

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Aide…..Taran Killam
Joseph Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, White House, night ] [ dissolve to interior hall outside of Vice-President Joe Biden’s room, a sign that reads “NO PRESIDENTS ALLOWED” taped to the door ]

President Barack Obama: Vice-President Biden’s still in there?

Aide: Yes, Mr. President.

President Barack Obama: [ calling ] Joe! It’s ME — Barack! [ he bangs on the door ] Can I come in?

Voice of Joe Biden: You mean “President JERK FACE?!”

President Barack Obama: [ he sighs ] I’m coming in, Joe.

[ Obama opens the door and enters the room to find Biden sitting on his bed in front of an electric train table set ]

President Barack Obama: [ sitting ] Joe… you’ve been locked inside your room all day. What’s wrong?

Joe Biden: What’s wrong?! Are you SERIOUS?! [ he stands ] Do you really not GET IT?!!

President Barack Obama: Does this have something to do with the whole, uh, gay marriage thing?

Joe Biden: Uh — DOYYYYYY!! It’s not FAIR, okay?! I was the first one who said it should be legal, but now YOU’RE the one getting all the credit!!

President Barack Obama: That’s not true.

Joe Biden: Oh! [ he gasps ] Oh, yeah?! Oh, really?! Then, why are you all dressed up?!

President Barack Obama: [ relunctant ] I’m going to a gala with Lady Gaga and Elton John.

Joe Biden: Awwwww!! See?!! That should be ME!! Vice-Presidents never get to go ANYWHERE!! [ he dives belly down onto his single bed ]

President Barack Obama: Joe, come on! You should be proud of what you did on “Meet The Press”. You’re a… you’re a great vice-president, Joe.

Joe Biden: [ sitting up ] Oh? Well, some people say I’d make a great president! Alright? Better than YOU, even!

President Barack Obama: Hey, who says that, Joe?

Joe Biden: George!

President Barack Obama: Are we gonna talk about your imaginary friend again, Joe?

Joe Biden: He’s NOT imaginary!! He’s REAL!!

President Barack Obama: Joe, uh, we have one more campaign to get through, and I need to know: Can I count on you?

Joe Biden: [ whispering ] Yes.

President Barack Obama: I can’t hear you.

Joe Biden: [ annoyed ] Yeeeessss!! [ he flops backward on his bed ]

President Barack Obama: Alright. [ he stands and grabs a plate with a half-eaten sandwich on it ] Can I take your plate now?

Joe Biden: NO!! No! George likes to finish what I don’t eat.

President Barack Obama: Alright. [ he opens the door ] Well… if you get hungry later, I left $20 on the counter so you can order yourself a pizza.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Okay. Maybe I WILL!

[ Obama exits ]

Joe Biden: Maybe I’ll just keep the twenty. [ calling out ] Okay, he’s gone! You can come out, George!

[ the closet door opens, and former president George W. Bush. exits with a couple of beers in hand ]

George W. Bush: Whew! That was close! [ he sits next to Biden on the bed ] That guy’s a real BUZZ KILL!

Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Yeah!

George W. Bush: You want an O’Doul’s?

Joe Biden: [ excited ] Sure! Yeah, yeah! [ he grabs the plate ] Hey — here’s the rest of my sandwich.

George W. Bush: Mucho! Mucho gracias!

Joe Biden: Yeah!

George W. Bush: I heard about that pizza, too — that’s gonna be sweet!

Joe Biden: Yeah! You know, everyone thinks you’re a FIGMENT of my imagination.

George W. Bush: Well… for some people, that’s just easier than accepting the TRUTH.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Yeah. Which is?

George W. Bush: That on my last day in office, I saw a butterfly and I chased it through the hallways…

Joe Biden: Yeah?

George W. Bush: I got lost, and I’ve been stuck here living in your closet for the past three-and-a-half years. BUt let me promise you one thing: I will not REST… until that butterfly is dead!

Joe Biden: Yeah!

[ they sip their beers ]

George W. Bush: Mmm. Now, what’s wrong, compadre? You seem down.

Joe Biden: Well, everybody says I have, like, a big mouth!

George W. Bush: Yeah?

Joe Biden: Well… it’s MY big mouth that got things done this time! Okay? Not his [ mimicking ] “careful weighing of options”!

George W. Bush: Heck! Those… those smartypants types are never going to understand speak-first guys like us.

Joe Biden: Exactly!

George W. Bush: Yeah, you know, they’re all brains.

Joe Biden: Yeah.

George W. Bush: You and me? We’re all gut and balls.

Joe Biden: Yeah!

George W. Bush: Yeah.

Joe Biden: Yeah!

George W. Bush: Every decision I ever made happened between my belly button and the middle of my thighs.

Joe Biden: Yeah! Yeah, I’m just so SICK of the way presidents are always riding me. I mean, I’m an ADULT!

George W. Bush: Hey, I’ve been there! I’ve been there! I used to catch grief all the time from President Cheney.

Joe Biden: Mmm-hmm.

George W. Bush: I’d be in the Oval Office hooking up the Slurpee machine, settling into a “Charles in Charge” marathon…

Joe Biden: Yeah! Uh-huh!

George W. Bush: And then that penguin would come waddling in and yell, “Get your damn pants on, we’re going to bomb blabbity-blah-blah-blah!” I mean, it’s like… whatever happened to being a kid?

Joe Biden: Exactly! Yeah, politics isn’t fair.

George W. Bush: No sir. Well… [ breathes deeply ] mission accomplished.

Joe Biden: What’s that supposed to mean?

George W. Bush: It’s just something I like to say when a problem isn’t solved… but I don’t want to talk about it any more.

Joe Biden: Well, thanks for being a pal!

George W. Bush: Hey! [ they clink beer cans ] You know, I can’t help but to think if you had been my Vice, we would have burned this city to the ground!

Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Literally, or figuratively?

George W. Bush: What’s the one where there’s a real fire?

Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Oh, you crazy son of a gun!

George W. Bush: [ standing ] Now, uh… now, let’s fidn that butterfly and bring it to justice. Where do you keep your shotgun?

Joe Biden: Well, I don’t have a shotgun.

George W. Bush: Well, what kind of Vice-President are you?

[ they crack up laughing ]

Joe Biden: Dick!

George W. Bush: Come on, let’s go.

Joe Biden: Okay. Wait, wait, hey — aren’t you forgetting something?

George W. Bush: Oh, right. I’m so rusty, I almost forgot. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12: Stay Free Maxi Pads Ladies Long Drive Championship 1994



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21












11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

Stay Free Maxi Pads Ladies Long Drive Championship 1994

Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink…..Will Forte
Virginia Sacramento…..Kristen Wiig
Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf…..Vanessa Bayer
Assistant…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Randy Feather…..Will Ferrell
Make-up Artist…..Abby Elliott

Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic!

Pete Twinkle V/O: Well, if you like heavy-hitting lady golf action, you can pop the batteries right out of that remote! Welcome to the Ladies Long Drive Championship… sponsored by Stay Free Maxi Pads! And today we’ve got some powerhouse hitters, featuring fan favorite Virginia Sacramento! And the Swiss sensation Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf!

[ dissolve to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the desk ]

Pete Twinkle: Good afternoon! It is 12:09 in the P.M. on June 17th, 1994! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and man, oh, man, does this guy love to grow his own vegetables! It’s Greg Stink!

Greg Stink: Thanks, best friend!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Alright, now, Greg, it looks to me like you haven’t shaved in a while.

Greg Stink: Yeah, I’ve been going through some stuff lately…

Pete Twinkle: Ohhhhhh, I’m sorry to hear that, buddy. What kind of stuff you going through?

Greg Stink: Oh, you know, just some old boxes.

Pete Twinkle: Hmm?

Greg Stink: Doing some Spring cleaning — haven’t had a chance to shave!

Pete Twinkle: Oh, okay, good! I thought you were gonna say that your wife had left you.

Greg Stink: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah — she did!

Pete Twinkle: Oh! Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that, buddy! [ Greg laughs ] Okay! Yeah, alright. Hey! A quick shout-out to our sponsor: Stay Free Maxi Pads! When you have your monthly boo-boo, pull one of these near your hoo-hoo! Stay Free Maxi Pads! Alright, why don’t we meet our first competitor? It’s two-time champion — Virginia Sacramento![ cut to Virginia lying on the green lining up her tee ]

Pete Twinkle: Now, it looks like she’s deciding where to put that tee. huh? Okay, now, Greg, I gotta ask you: How important is the placement?

Greg Stink: Oh, it’s very important…

Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm?

Greg Stink: I mean, she’s gonna want to stick that pad right on the inside of her underpanties…

Pete Twinkle: Okay…

Greg Stink: She’ll line it up in her privates, and then she can just, you know… let ‘er rip!

Pete Twinkle: Oh, no, no, no, Greg! I’m sorry! No, I’m sorry about that, that’s my fault! I’m not talking about the placement of a fine product like Stay Free Maxi Pads — we’re talking about the placement of BALLS!

Greg Stink: Oh! Well, I’ve NEVER wanted to second-guess The Lord!

Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm?

Greg Stink: I think he placed the balls RIGHT where they’re SUPPOSED to be!

Pete Twinkle: Okay!

Greg Stink: And that’s good enough for me!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Ah, you know what? Me, too! Hey, you know what’s good enough for everyone? Stay Free Maxi Pads! It’s the downstairs hatch, for your baby hatch! Stay Free Maxi Pads! [ a note is handed to him ] Oh! Alright, we’re getting soem breaking news. Once again — it’s 1994! Uh — I’m hearing that O.J. Simpson is currently being chased by the LAPD down the 405 Freeway. We go to a shot now… [ cut to chase footage ] And you can se that’s his Bronco — that shot is live — he is reportedly heading to his home in Brentwood. Okay — well, we have L.A. correspondent Randy Feather covering the action. We go now to O.J. Simpson’s house — live!

[ cut to Randy Feather standing casually outside of O.J. Simpson’s house in Brentwood with his assistant ]

Randy Feather: Hey, everybody… I’m sorry I’m late. How long before we’re on the air? [ the assistant shrugs ] Really? Okay. I could use a little time to sober up. [ he sips from a flask ]

Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay, well, it doesn’t look like Randy’s quite ready yet. We’ll check back with him a minute. Let’s get back to the action, though. Let’s see… Sacramento is ready to swing! Here she goes! [ Virginia Sacramento makes a wild swing ] Oh, boy! And she CRUSHED it! Whoo! Look at that! She is happy! She is loving that! Look at that! Oh, man! Whoo! Look at her go! Greg, I gotta ask you: Have you EVER seen a woman hit ANYTHING that hard?

Greg Stink: Ohhhh, yeah!

Pete Twinkle: Yeah? Well… do you remember who?

Greg Stink: Nooo!

Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay. Alright, that’s okay. Oh, oh, oh! I’m being told that we’re going back to Randy Feather! Randy, what have you got for us?

[ cut to Randy Feather being prepped by his make-up artist ]

Randy Feather: [ on his large cellphone ] I’ll tell you exactly how big!

Pete Twinkle: Randy?

Randy Feather: Four inches.

Pete Twinkle: Randy? Can you hear me?

Randy Feather: Oh, round? Oh, I’d probably say… like a McDonald’s straw.

Pete Twinkle: Randy!

Randy Feather: What’s that? Oh, it’s a FOREST out there! [ he laughs ]

Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay, so, uh — so Randy’s still not ready.

Greg Stink: RANDYYYYY!!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] No, no, no! It’s alright! We’re alright! Hey, you know what’s always ready, though? Stay Free Maxi Pads! I see London, I see China… I see one very happy vagina! Stay Free Maxi Pads! Well, it looks like Kukendorf is warming up! [ show Kukendorf with her golf club behind her back ] Now, Greg… you can tell she’s got that lower body injury, she’s clearly not at 100%. You know, how is that going to affect her today?

Greg Stink: Well, it all depends on how much under 100% she is.

Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm.

Greg Stink: Is she 99%?

Pete Twinkle: Okay.

Greg Stink: 98%?

Pete Twinkle: Right.

Greg Stink: 97%?

Pete Twinkle: Right.

Greg Stink: 98%?

Pete Twinkle: Whoa, wait — you went back up there, buddy.

Greg Stink: 96%?

Pete Twinkle: There you go! Alright, just hold that thought there for me, will you?

Greg Stink: Okay. [ he holds his hand up to his head ]

Pete Twinkle: Okay, we got, uh — [ staring at Greg ] Oh, man. Okay, now, it looks like we’re going back to Randy Feather in front of O.J. Simpson’s house. It’s 1994! Randy?

[ cut to Randy Feather still having make-up applied ]

Randy Feather: You know, I used to be a stripper. I know! I know! With this body? I used to be WAY fatter back then. Like a hundred pounds fatter.

Pete Twinkle: Hey, Randy, can you hear me?

Randy Feather: But it was too much stress on my back, so… I lost weight and got a butt reduction. And then I went into broadcasting. Can I just kiss one of your eyes?

[ she shakes her head No ]

Pete Twinkle: Okay! Okay, sorry about that, folks! I don’t — I-I don’t know what’s going on!

Greg Stink: Well, he can’t hear us!

Pete Twinkle: Okay, thank you! Thank you, Greg! [ laughing ] Greg Stink! There’s not a FINER person! And, hey — there’s not a FINER product than Stay Free MAxi Pads! When your uterine lining, looks like the elevator from “The Shining”! [ extended hold ] Stay Free Maxi Pads! Alright, back to the action! Kukendorf is at the tee! Here we go! Let’s see what happens! [ she taps the ball lightly but sends it flying ] Oh, look at that! No back swing necessary, she CRUSHED it! Okay, look at that! Holy smokes! Alright, okay — I’m a little worried to do this, but we’re going back to Radndy. Randy?

[ cut to Randy Feathers, alone ]

Randy Feather: Yes, Pete?

Pete Twinkle: Okay, great! We got him! Good! Okay, great! Okay, Randy, can you tell us what you know?

Randy Feather: Well, Pete… at this point, not much. Except the Juice is loose!

Pete Twinkle: Hey! Speaking of LOOSE JUICE — Stay Free Maxi Pads! We’ll be right back!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts