Herb Welch: Falling Ice
Herb Welch…..Bill Hader
Jack Rizzoli…..Jason Sudeikis
Wanda Ramirez…..Nasim Pedrad
Cynthia…..Emma Stone
Co-Op President…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on WXPD News title card ]
Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.
[ cut to news desk ]
Jack: Good morning, everyone. I’m Jack Rizzoli.
Wanda: And I’m Wanda Ramirez.
Jack: Our top story today — residents in an Upper East Side co-op are outraged this morning after management failed to remove dangerous falling ice from the outside of the building. Veteran reporter Herb Welch, who is celebrating his 71st year with the station, is on the scene. Hello, Herb.
[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Herb: Hello, Jack.
Jack: Now, tell us, Herb, what is the mood where you are?
Herb: They changed the 8 a.m. service to a Spanish mass, so I’m not doing too well.
Jack: No. No, not your mood, Herb.
Herb: What?
Jack: Not your mood, Herb. I’m asking — how are the residents of that building?
[ cut to Herb outside apartment complex]
Herb: I’ve got some lady. Who’re you?
Cynthia: My name is Cynthia Coralina Ronowitz.
Herb: [ groans ] Pick a name. [ they glare at each other ] Alright, what happened?
[ Herb hits Cynthia on the cheek with microphone ]
Cynthia: Ever since the storm, melting icicles have been falling onto the street. And I was almost hit on my way to work.
Herb: What are you, a cigarette girl?
[ Herb hits Cynthia with microphone again, pushing her hair into her mouth ]
Cynthia: [ fixing hair ] No. I don’t smoke. Look, this ice is dangerous, and no one is doing anything about it.
Herb: Well, there you have it. You call it a bikini, but I call it too far. Back to you, Jack.
[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Jack: No, Herb.
Herb: What?
Jack: Herb. Stay on topic, Herb.
Herb: What?
Jack: Stay on topic. You know, ask your source if anyone’s been injured, or something like that.
Herb: Don’t direct me, you tie rack.
[ cut back to Herb and Cynthia ]
[ Herb gestures to wave Jack off ]
Herb: Alright. Hey. Hey. Who’s injured? [ hits Cynthia in the face with microphone ]
Cynthia: [ throws hand up ] No one, thank God. It’s only a matter of time before someone’s hurt, or worse.
Herb: You think this Belafonte kid oughta, you know, pipe down?
[ Herb thrusts microphone at Cynthia, who blocks it with her purse. Microphone rebounds and hits Herb in the face ]
Herb: [ covering mouth ] Got me in the mouth.
[ cut to split screen of Herb and Wanda ]
Wanda: Herb. Herb, have residents lodged a formal complaint with the co-op board?
Herb: [ muttering ] Oh, this lady.
Wanda: Herb. Herb, ask her.
Herb: Shouldn’t you be changing hotel linens somewhere?
[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Jack: No. No, Herb. Herb, Wanda is a respected journalist. Now ask the question.
Herb: Aw, you stink on ice.
[ cut to Herb and Cynthia ]
Cynthia: [ pointing ] Look, our co-op president is right over there. And she has repeatedly ignored our requests. She even sent me a memo telling us not to speak with reporters.
[ camera pans to Co-Op President ]
Co-Op President: [ pointing at camera ] My god, that is slander! I’ve done nothing of the sort!
Herb: Alright, and that’s the news. For G.I. Radio, this is Private Herbie Welch reminding you to keep your socks dry.
Jack: [ off-screen ] No, no, no. No, Herb, do the story.
[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Jack: Do it. Do the story, please.
Herb: [ muttering ] Oh, “do the st…”—alright.
[ cut to Herb at apartment complex ]
Herb: [ reaching towards Co-Op President, waving her over ] Come here. [ grabs Co-Op President’s shoulder and fondles, hand moving up to her face ] Come here. [ puts arm around her shoulder ] Tell me, sir — how’s a fellow like you fit into all this? [ hits in face with mic ]
Co-Op President: I’m a woman.
Herb: Woman, huh? [ takes off glasses ] Let me see.
[ Herb takes microphone and rubs down her chest, then taps each of her breasts repeatedly ]
Jack: [ off-screen ] No. Herb. Herb.
[ Herb hits Co-Op President in the crotch with microphone repeatedly, winding arm back further each time ]
Jack: [ off-screen ] No. No, come on. Herb.
[ Herb taps Co-Op President in the crotch quickly, then winds back and hits her like a gong ]
Jack: [ off-screen ] Herb! Aw, man. Come on.
Herb: [ puts glasses back on ] Don’t worry, ma’am. There’s always a life in the church.
Co-Op President: Dinosaur. [ starts hitting Herb with clipboard ]
Herb: Ah, get away from me.
Jack: [ off-screen ] Ah, come on, Herb. Herb!
[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Herb: That guy attacked me.
Jack: Well, you know, Herb, maybe it’s time you look into retirement.
Herb: [ pointing at camera ] You talk to me like that again, I’ll have my secretary Amilda fire off a memo.
Jack: No. Amilda’s not your secretary, Herb. She’s your nurse.
Herb: That woman is mean to me.
Jack: Well, I don’t blame her.
Herb: [ rushing the camera ] You son of a — [ starts hitting camera with microphone ]
Jack: Just cut away. Just cut away, please. Okay.
[ cut to news room ]
Jack: As always, we apologize to you in the Hispanic and unattractive communities. Up next, Occupy Wall Street enters its third month —
[ someone hands Jack a piece of paper, which he reads briefly ]
Jack: But first, some sad news. We’ve just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Herb, seen here with his protégé Andy Rooney —
[ cut to black and white photograph of Herb Welch hitting Andy Rooney in the face with microphone ]
[ cut back to Jack ]
Jack: — had been in ill health for some time. We go there now.
[ cut to Cynthia and Co-Op President at apartment complex with Herb, who is frozen in a cadaveric spasm ]
Co-Op President: [ speaking into walkie-talkie ] Yeah, can we get a, uh, body removal? We have an elderly dead body.
Herb: [ revives ] Eat mic, Ponzi.
[ Herb hits Co-Op President with microphone. Co-Op President goes down ]
Cynthia: This man is awful —
[ Herb hits Cynthia with microphone, who goes down as well ]
Herb: [ raising hand ] Herb Welch lives.
[ cut to news room ]
Jack: [ shaking head ] Just terrible.
Wanda: Can’t we fire him?
[ Herb’s hand comes from right off-screen and hits Wanda in the face with microphone ]
Jack: [ gestures at Wanda and laughs ]
[ Herb’s hand comes from left off-screen and hits Jack in the face with microphone ]
Jack: Oh — [ grimaces ]
[ cut to WXPD title card ]
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