SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Little Brothers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20














11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Little Brothers

…..Eli Manning
Older Brother…..Andy Samberg

Eli Manning: Hi. I’m Eli Manning, and I’m a proud ambassador to the Little Brothers program.

[ dissolve to Manning outdoors with a group of small kids ]

Eli Manning V/O: Our organization helps kids build confidence, reach their goals, and overcome their adversity — especially when that adversity… is an older sibling.

[ cut to Manning sitting on a bench with a little brother ]

Eli Manning: So… what does your older brother do to you?

Little Brother: He breaks my toys and doesn’t allow me to play with my video games.

Eli Manning: Let’s find a creative solution to fix that.

[ dissolve to older brother’s bedroom, as he enters brushing his teeth, surprised to see a stern-looking Eli Manning sitting on his bed with his younger brother ]

Brother: Are you Eli Manning?

Eli Manning: Nope. I’m your worst fucking nightmare!

[ cut to Manning holding the older brother upside-down over an open-mouthed toilet ]

Eli Manning V/O: I understand the frustration of an older brother who thinks he can boss you around.

[ cut to Manning and the little brother playing video games together ]

Eli Manning: This is fun, right?

Little Brother: Yeah!

[ zoom out to reveal Manning giving the older brother an atomic wedgie ]

Eli Manning: Right?! [ he tugs harder ]

Brother: Yes, sir! It’s fun!

[ cut to an older brother messing with his younger brother on a street corner ]

Eli Manning V/O: At Little Brothers, we’re ready to face any level of big brother problems.

[ the older brother stops laughing when he looks up to see Eli Manning running straight for him ]

Eli Manning V/O: We know that big brothers… can be real dickheads!

[ Manning tackles the older brother and shoves his face into the dirt ] [ cut to Manning testimonial ]

Eli Manning: We also provide kids with great sports and activities. Like Dodge Ball…

[ cut to Manning and little brothers in attack stance to throw dodge balls at an older brother chained to a fence ]

Brother: Stop!!

Eli Manning V/O: T-Ball…

[ cut to Manning and a little brother using an older brother’s mouth as a t-ball stand, then swinging on the close-up ]

Eli Manning V/O: And Archery.

[ cut to Manning holding a bow-and-arrow ]

Eli Manning: I’ll give you a five-second head start. [ the older brother runs for it ] 1… 2… [ he takes aim ] Good enough!

[ cut to Manning standing over an open car trunk ]

Eli Manning: Maybe now you’ll learn to treat your younger brother with some RESPECT, Peyton!

Older Brother: [ inside car trunk ] My name is not Peyton!!

Eli Manning: Whatever! [ he slams the trunk shut ] [ dissolve to Manning standing with a group of little brothers ]

Eli Manning: The Little Brothers program. Because a time of reckoning is now at hand!

[ they all begin to laugh maniacally ]

Eli Manning: YES!! YES!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mick Jagger: 05/19/12: Mick Jagger with Foo Fighters performs “19th Nervous Breakdown” and “It’s Only Rock ‘n Roll”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22






11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger with Foo Fighters performs “19th Nervous Breakdown” and “It’s Only Rock ‘n Roll”

…..Mick Jagger
…..Foo Fighters

Jason Sudeikis: Ladies and gentlemen — Mick Jagger and Foo Fighters.

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]“You’re the kind of person you meet at certain dismal, dull affairs
Center of a crowd, talking much too loud, running up and down the stairs
Well, it seems to me that you have seen too much in too few years
And though you’ve tried, you just can’t hide, your eyes are edged with tears.

You better stop, look around
Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes!Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown!

When you were a child, you were treated kind, but you were never brought up right
And you were always spoiled with a thousand toys, but still you cried all night
Your mother who neglected you owes a million dollars tax
And your father’s still perfecting ways of making sealant wax.

You better stop, look around
Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes!
Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown!
Ohhhh, who’s to blame?
That girl’s just insane
Well, nothing I do don’t seem to work
It only seems to make the matters worse!
Oh, plea-ea-ea-ease!”

Now!

“If I could dig down deep in my heart
Feelings would flood on the page
Would it satisfy ya? Would it slide on by ya?
Would it help to ease your pain? Ease your pain?

If I could win ya, if I could sing ya
A love song so divine
Would it be enough for your cheating heart
If I broke down and cried? Would I cry?
And I said I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!
Oh, well, I like it… I like it… I like it.

I said can’t you see that this old boy has been lonely?
And if I could stick that knife in my heart
Suicide right on the stage
Would it help to ease your pain? Ease your pain?
I said I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!
Oh, I like it… I like it… I like it.Yeah!

And do ya think that you’re the only girl around?
I bet you think that you’re the only woman in town.

[ instrument break ]

I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!
Oh, I like it… I like it… I like it… I like it.”

Dave Grohl & Mick Jagger: [ singing ]“I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!”

Mick Jagger: Foo Fighters, everybody! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Fox and Friends



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20












11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Fox and Friends

Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Rupert Murdoch…..Fred Armisen

[ opening graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Fox and Friends.”

[ dissolve to the morning show hosts on-set ]

Steve Doocy: Thank you! Welcome back to the third hour of “Fox and Friends.” I’m Steve Doocy, and, joining me as always — Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade!

Gretchen Carlson: Oh, good morning! [ she laughs ]

Brian Kilmeade: Happy Monday!

Steve Doocy: Did everybody have a good weekend?

Gretchen Carlson: GREAT weekend!

Brian Kilmeade: I finally took the tree down!

Steve Doocy: Oh, great! You know, THAT’S how you fight the liberal war on Christmas — you keep the tree up ’til May!

Gretchen Carlson: You know, I heard the White House doesn’t even call it a Christmas tree — they call it a “Holiday” tree.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, man! I had to throw mine out because a raccoon had babies in it!

Steve Doocy: Miracle of life! Well, this week was the one-year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden. And shame on President Barack Obama, who is running a campaign ad that argues Mit Romney would not have made the same decision to launch the raid?

Gretchen Carlson: It’s ridiculous! ANYONE would have launched that raid!

Steve Doocy: Absolutely! I mean, name ONE person who wouldn’t have launched that raid!

Brian Kilmeade: I can name one person who wouldn’t have launched that raid: Barack Obama!

Steve Doocy: No… Brian…

Gretchen Carlson: No, that doesn’t work this time.

Brian Kilmeade: But it always works!

Steve Doocy: Not this time — he already did it. Yeah, no… yep, yep!

Gretchen Carlson: Uh, also — I’m just gonna say something…

Steve Doocy: Uh-oh! Look out! Here she goes!

Gretchen Carlson: How do we know bin Laden is really dead?

Brian Kilmeade: Whoa, there it is!

Gretchen Carlson: I’m serious! Okay? So they say they have pictures. Okay? Well, you can do a lot with Photoshop!

Steve Doocy: Hmm…

Gretchen Carlson: Okay? You can make it look like glaciers are melting.

Steve Doocy: Oh, wow!

Gretchen Carlson: Okay? I once saw a picture of a mountain with four presidents’ faces on it. OKay? That’s not real!

Steve Doocy: I saw that! That’s not real! That’s not real!

Brian Kilmeade: And, sometimes, people who you think are dead, aren’t dead. I mean, I thought Tupac Shakur was dead, and then I saw he did a concert, why, just last week.

Steve Doocy: No… no… that was a hologram, Brian.

Brian Kilmeade: Uh, but if Tupac was a hologram, the bullet would have gone right through him.

Gretchen Carlson: Hmm… Well, I, for one, hope that Hologram Tupac doesn’t turn to a life of crime.

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. Sure.

Gretchen Carlson: Because he would be impossible to catch. Alright? [ demonstrating ] I got him! Oh, no — he’s gone!”

Steve Doocy: THat’s a good point. That’s a really good point.

Brian Kilmeade: I don’t know, maybe call the Ghostbusters?

Steve Doocy: Yeah. Alright, moving on… the White House Correspondents Dinner was last week, and there was the President telling jokes again!

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, he’s always telling jokes!

Steve Doocy: I mean, I guess the President thinks what’s happening to this country is funny?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah! I’ve got a joke for him: What is black and white and lies?

Steve Doocy: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Brian Kilmeade: What?! What’d I do? What? What’s the problem?

Steve Doocy: Brian, do NOT say Barack Obama!

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I was going to say a panda on Weight Watchers. I mean, black and white and lies: “This bamboo is only six points.” [ he laughs ]

Gretchen Carlson: Well, why were you going to say that?

Brian Kilmeade: I mean, we were just talking about jokes, it popped into my head.. it’s just so funny!

Steve Doocy: Hmm. Well, one person who’s not laughing this week is Rupert Murdoch, who’s under investigation by British authorities for hacking phones.

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, so he taped some phone calls. So what?!

Brian Kilmeade: If people didn’t tape phone calls, we never would have had the Jerky Boys!

Steve Doocy: Great point! Great point! Joining us now, live via satellite in London — Rupert Murdoch! Good morning, Rupert!

Rupert Murdoch: [ smiling like a weasel ] Hello, my children!

Brian Kilmeade: Now… you’re in London, correct?

Rupert Murdoch: Correct!

Brian Kilmeade: Now… is it true it’s five hours later there?

Rupert Murdoch: Yes!

Brian Kilmeade: So… you could watch the Yankee game, and then tell us who won before anyone else here knew?

Rupert Murdoch: What?

Steve Doocy: Oh, Brian… please.

Brian Kilmeade: I don’t understand. I bet that’s how he made his fortune, betting on sports!

Steve Doocy: No, no… Alright, now we should disclose that Rupert Murdoch owns Fox News.

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, and I’d like to disclose that I think Rupert Murdoch is great!

Rupert Murdoch: Thank you.

Steve Doocy: Yeah, and you know, so do I. Why does disclosing have to be so negative?

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah! Right!

Brian Kilmeade: And I should disclose that I don’t quite know what “disclose” means.

Rupert Murdoch: What in the hell is going ON over there?!

Gretchen Carlson: Guys, we’re being rude to our guest. Now, Rupert — what is this parliamentary committee so mad about?

Rupert Murdoch: Oh, they accused me of having a lack of ETHICS!

Steve Doocy: Ooooookay! Here we go again! Affirmative action rears its ugly head again!

Gretchen Carlson: You should only hire an ethnic if you want to hire an ethnic!

Steve Doocy: Absolutely! Absolutely!

Rupert Murdoch: Not “lack of ethnics“! “Lack of ETHICS”! You’re the dumbest people I’ve ever met, and I’m from Australia!

Steve Doocy: Oh! Australia, huh? “G’day, mate!” [ he laughs ]

Gretchen Carlson: “Top of the morning!” [ she laughs ]

Brian Kilmeade: “Hakuna matata!” [ he laugh and tips an invisible hat ]

Steve Doocy: So what’s next for Rupert Murdoch?

Rupert Murdoch: I’ve made some mistakes, but I’m not gonna let this stop me! I’m gonna continue on with my great Socialist experiment of seeing how misinformed a person can be while hosting a morning news program! [ he laughs ]

Steve Doocy: Oh!

Gretchen Carlson: Well, good luck with that!

Steve Doocy: Yeah, keep us updated!

Brian Kilmeade: [ laughing nervously ] “A panda at Weight Watchers!” [ he laughs ] “Oh, bamboo is only six points — I swear!”

Gretchen Carlson: We’ll take a quick break, but first — our fact checkers have looked over the first two hours of the show, and we have a few corrections!

[ scroll:

“There are currently no bills before the House that would require women to have a transvaginal ultrasound before buying sunglasses.

The Taliban is not producing cereal called “Honey Bunches of Goats.”

Kirk Cameron is not the voice of Siri.

Miss America is not third in the order of succession for the Presidency, nor is Miss Teen USA fourth.

Airplanes do not fly by flapping their wings.

Patricia Heaton did not win a Nobel Prize for her work on “Everybody Loves Raymond.”

Hail consists of frozen water; it is not “made of sins.”

President Barack Obama does not plan to take the “forwarding” option away from email.

Disney World is not planning to add Rush Limbaugh to their Hall of Presidents.

Nowhere in the Bible does it mention Garth Brooks or Chris Gaines.

Turtles do not have “tiny TVs and sofa beds” inside their shells.

Pete Rose did not receive a lifetime ban from the Hallmark Hall of Fame.

“National Treasure” is a not a documentary even though it feels very real.

Wisconsin is an American state and not “just a bit.”

Mormons breathe air.

Horses do not have “teeth so sharp you wouldn’t believe it.”

Children raised by same-sex couples are not statistically more likely to let the American flag touch the ground.

“Psych” is a popular detective show on the USA Network, not a super-secret NASA Mind Experiment.

It takes more than five to six months of medical school to become a surgeon.

Sour Patch Kids are a snack food and therefore physically incapable of pulling a knife on someone.

Congress has not declared a “War on Jean Shorts.”

It is unlikely that Fareed Zakaria is Willem Defoe in character.

Babies tend to like hugs.

It is not illegal to discard a Christmas tree.

John Wilkes Booth was not wearing a hooded sweatshirt when he shot President Lincoln, nor were the Lincolns attending a staging of “The Vagina Monologues.”

There is no federal program called “Cash for Bees.”

You do not need a spaceship to get to China.

The Watergate is a hotel in Washington D.C., not a portal to an undersea kingdom.

Yellow and blue make green, not “blellow.”

The new World Trade Center does not transform into a karate robot.

Seeing-eye dogs are neither able to nor allowed to drive.

It is likely that immigrants do not feed on the blood of our cattle at night while we are all sleeping.

Baseball is a land sport.

It is widely accepted that ears are used for hearing.” ]

Gretchen Carlson: We’ll be right back, but first…

All: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mick Jagger: 05/19/12: Mick Jagger and Jeff Beck perform “Tea Party”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22






11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger and Jeff Beck perform “Tea Party”

…..Mick Jagger
…..Jeff Beck

Mick Jagger: My roots are in Blues music. I love the Blues because, in any era, the Blues talk about what’s on people’s minds. So here’s some Blues that I wrote about the presidential election. And here’s a man who can really play the Blues like nobody else — Jeff! Beck!

[ dissolve to Jeff Beck wailing on his electric guitar, as Jagger comes forward and playfull hogs the stage ]

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]“If you want to sleep in the West Wing
Yeah, you got to strategize a bit.
Yeah, you want to sleep in the West Wing
You want to keep that private bowling alley
You got to strategize a bit.
Yeah, you’re gonna have to raise about a hundred million dollars
Or you’re gonna end up so deep down in the shit!

Yeah!
Mr. Romney, you know, he’s a mensch
But he always plays it straight up there.
Yeah!
Mr. Romney, he’s a hard workin’ man!
And he always says his prayers.
Yeah, but there’s one little thing about him
Don’t ever let him cut your hair!”

[ instrument break ]

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]“Who’ll be the president come November?
Well, it’s anybody’s guess.
That’s right!
Who’ll be sitting in the Oval Office?
Who can say?
I must confess.I betcha, betcha six months, he’ll be screaming
“Won’t you let me outta this mess?!”

Jeff Beck!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20




11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Goodnights

…..Eli Manning

Eli Manning: Thanks to Rihanna, Sacha Baron Cohen and Martin Scorcese. Thanks to Lorne Michaels, and everybody for coming out. It was such a great show. The cast, they were unbelievable. THank you all so much for coming out, it’s so awesome!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mick Jagger: 05/19/12: She’s a Rainbow / Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22




































11v: Mick Jagger

She’s a Rainbow / Goodnights

…..Mick Jagger
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Arcade Fire
…..Jay Pharoah
…..Taran Killam
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Kate McKinnon
…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Abby Elliott
…..Bill Hader
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Seth Meyers
…..Fred Armisen
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Andy Samberg
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on exterior, high school building ] [ dissolve to interior, Home Base stage made to look like mock auditorium setting during Graduation ]

Mick Jagger: Well, another year has come and gone, and I just want to say how proud I am of this graduating class!

[ the cast, dressed in caps and gowns, cheer themselves on ]

Mick Jagger: Many of you are moving on to college, but I’d like to take a moment to say goodbye to one particular student who is leaving this summer — to become a nun. Kristen! [ Bobby Moynihan stands ] No, sorry — the other Kristen. Could you come up here, please?

[ looking somewhat surprised, Kristen Wiig stands and approaches Jagger, as the audience goes nuts ]

Mick Jagger: You’ve meant quite a lot to us, over this past seven years. [ whispering to the audience ] She got held back! [ to Kristen ] So our Music Department got together, and prepared a song to say goodbye. This one’s… for you

[ Arcade Fire and Andy Samberg begin to play “She’s a Rainbow”, as Kristen removes her cap and pulls off her gown to reveal a short white dress and begins to dance and twirl with Jagger ] [ Jay Pharoah comes forward to dance with Kristen ] [ Taran Killam comes forward to dance with Kristen ] [ Bobby Moynihan comes forward to dance with Kristen ]

Arcade Fire: [ singing ]“She comes in colors everywhere;
She combs her hair
She’s like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors.”

[ Nasim Pedrad, Kate McKinnon, Vanessa Bayer and Abby Elliott collectively come forward to surround Kristen and collectively kiss her on both cheeks ]

Arcade Fire: [ singing ]“Have you seen her all in gold
Like a queen in days of old
She shoots colors all around
Like a sunset going down
Have you seen the lady fairer?”

[ Bill Hader steps forward to dance with Kristen ] [ Kenan Thompson comes forward to twirl Kristen around and hug her ]

Arcade Fire: [ singing ]“She comes in colors everywhere;
She combs her hair
She’s like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors.”

[ Seth Meyers comes forward to dance comically with Kristen ] [ Fred Armisen comes forward to dance in a circle with Kristen ] [ Jason Sudeikis somberly steps forward to dance slowly with Kristen, as she rubs his back before he silently joins the rest of the cast ] [ Andy Samberg comes forward, picks Kristen up and swings her around playfully, as she tries to keep the bottom of her skirt from riding up ]

Arcade Fire: [ singing ]“She’s like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors.”

[ finally, even the Old Man, Lorne Michaels, steps forward to dance cheek-to-cheek with Kristen, then disappear offstage ]

Everyone: [ singing ]“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!”

[ by this time, the stage presence grows with the likes of Steve Martin, Chris Kattan, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Chris Parnell, Will Forte, Jon Hamm, Foo Fighters and Jeff Beck ]

Everyone: [ singing ]“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!”

Mick Jagger: Thank you! Arcade Fire, Foo Fighters, Jeff Beck, Steve Martin, Jon Hamm. Have a great summer, everybody!

Everyone: [ singing ]“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you.

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Eli Manning’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20




















11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Eli Manning’s Monologue

…..Eli Manning
…..David Baas
…..David Diehl
…..Chris Snee
…..Shaun O’Hara
…..Abby McGrew
Audience Member #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience Member #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member #3…..Kate McKinnon
Audience Member #4…..Bill Hader
Audience Member #5…..Kenan Thompson
Audience Member #6…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Eli Manning!

Eli Manning: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! After TWO Super Bowls… this is definitely the THIRD most exciting night of my life! The New York fans have been GREAT to us! We had a big parade downtown, where we took the Lombardi trophy to the heart of the city — and now we have no idea where it is!

I’m a little out of my element, but I have some guys here who ALWAYS have my back — my offensive line. [ reveal David Baas, David Diehl, Chris Snee, and Shaun O’Hara in the balcony ] They go with me everywhere — parties, restaurants… they were even with me in the room with me and my wife, Abby, when our daughter was born. Wasn’t that great, honey? [ reveal Abby McGrew in the audience, laughing, but shaking her head No ]

You know — I grew up in New Orleans, went to school in Mississippi, but I gotta say, I finally feel like a REAL New Yorker! It took a few years… but now, I’m an expert. So if there are any tourists here tonight, I’d be glad to answer your questions. [ pointing ] Oh. Yes?

Audience Member #1: Yeah. My family and I were wondering: What’s the BEST place to get Italian food in New York City?

Eli Manning: Well… there’s a great place called The Olive Garden. You gotta go to New Jersey… but it’s worth it.

Audience Member #1: So… I have to go to New Jersey for New York pasta?

Eli Manning: Hey — I play for the New York Giants, and all my games are played in New Jersey. [ pointing ] Yes?

Audience Member #2: Hi. My wife and I thought we’d see a Broadway show?

Audience Member #3: Yeah, do you have any recommendations?

Eli Manning: “Cats”! You gotta see “Cats”! It’s cats… who can sing!

Audience Member #2: Is that even still playing?

Eli Manning: I don’t know. I saw the ad on TV when I was a kid. It was so great. You know what? Even if it’s not playing, do what I used to do — put the “Cats” soundtrack on your iPod, and then go to a pet store and look at some cats! It’s like you’re watching a bunch of singing cats! [ pointing ] How about you?

Audience Member #4: I want to explore a little. Is there a place I can do a walking tour?

Eli Manning: Absolutely! New York has so many GREAT neighborhoods: SoHo… NoHo… BeBo…J-Lo… Flo-Jo. You gotta explore them all!

Audience Member #4: [ confused ] Where is BeBo?

Eli Manning: [ shrugs ] Hey — fugetaboutit! Right? Fugetaboutit! [ pointing ] Yep?

Audience Member #5: Uh — what do you do in the city to just have fun?

Eli Manning: Oh, man… I’m glad you asked that! I do this ALL the time: Get some bulky shopping bags and three of the FATTEST kids I can find. Just big, husky kids. Then we all walk hand-in-hand next to each other in Times Square — slow as Hell! It’s SO fun! Last year, one of us got hit in the head with a brick! It was hilarious! [ looking around ] Anyone else? [ pointing ] Yeah?

Audience Member #6: I know a lot of celebrities live in the city. Any hot places to spot a famous person?

Eli Manning: Of course! I see famous people every day, because I stand in the audience outside “The Today Show”. Look at this:

[ reveal photo of Al Roker, Ann Curry and Matt Laurer standing outside, with Manning behind the barricade in a rainbow wig and holding a sign that reads “Quarterbacks do it in 2 minutes.” ]

Eli Manning: Look close! There’s me in the rainbow wig with a hilarious sign! It was SO cool! I got to be on LIVE TV! When will I do that again?

So that’s my New York! If you don’t like it… fugetaboutit! We’ve got a great show — Rihanna is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mick Jagger: 05/19/12: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22
























11v: Mick Jagger

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Chris Parnell

[ SUPER: “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ open on scenes of New York City ] [ SUPER: “Chris Parnell” ] [ SUPER: “Andy Samberg” ] [ SUPER: “Lazy Sunday 2” ] [ cut to Andy Samberg jumping out of bed ]

Andy Samberg:
“Lazy Sunday
Slept right through my alarm!
Activate Siri and say
‘Call Parn!'”

[ cut to Chris Parnell working out at the gym ]

Chris Parnell:
“Who dis?”

Andy Samberg:
“It’s me, man!”

Chris Parnell:
“Yo, Samberg, kick facts!”

Andy Samberg:
“Tonight is the night!”

Chris Parnell:
“Broadway!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Sister Act!”

Andy Samberg:
“The show’s not ’til later!”

Chris Parnell:
“Let’s merc some brunch!”

Andy Samberg:
“I know a cute French place!”

Chris Parnell:
“Meet me outside — Crunch!”

[ cut to Andy and Chris meeting on a city street ]

Chris Parnell:
“My core is ripped
That workout was trill!”

Andy Samberg:
“Man, I can almost taste
those mimosas for real!”

Chris Parnell:
“They’re makin’ changes at three
We’d better start jammin’!”

Andy Samberg:
“I love that brunch
more than McAdams loves Channing!”

[ image of Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum appears ] [ jump-cuts to Andy and Chris jumping off steps ]

Chris Parnell:
“Dub step!”

[ more jump-cuts of Andy and Chris jumping off steps ] [ cut to Andy and Chris at brunch ]

Chris Parnell:
“2:59!”

Andy Samberg:
“Made it on a technicality!”

Chris Parnell:
“Eggs benedict!”

Andy Samberg:
“No yolk!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Less calories!”

Chris Parnell:
“The plating is cray
I detect sage butter!”

Andy Samberg:
“How you wanna pay, Chris?”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Go Dutch, motherfucker!!”

[ cut to Andy and Chris roaming the streets ]

Andy Samberg:
“Go to Sister Act!”

Chris Parnell:
“Like a pistol whack!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Buck wild in the streets
Off a sixer pack!”

[ they hold up a six-pack of Tab ]

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“We go to Sister Act
Like we got racks on racks!
‘Cause once you buy ‘em
You can’t give your tickets back!”

Andy Samberg: Yo, hold up, hold up! Hey, yo, Chris — we’re gonna have to hit ‘em with some new mish for 2012, my dude! So why don’t you drop it on ‘em — like right now?

[ the rap styling shifts ]

Chris Parnell:
“Allow me to reintroduce myself
My name is Parns
P to A-arns
Stupid bargains
up at all the Pottery Barns!”

Andy Samberg:
“Young Sandwich and I came to catch reck
Still waitin’ on a fucking YouTube check
Don’t mess with Magnolia ’cause the line’s too long!”

Chris Parnell:
“Plus it bumps with my clip!”

Andy Samberg:
“Now back to the song!”

[ return to the older rap style ]

Chris Parnell:
“Yo, peep the marquee!”

Andy Samberg:
“They some funny ass nuns!”

Chris Parnell:
“We got 99 problems!

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“But this sitch ain’t one!”

Chris Parnell:
“Sneak in the flask
Filled with sweet Vermouth!”

Andy Samberg:
“We take more shots in the theater!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Than John Wilkes Booth!!”

Chris Parnell:
“Flip up binocs!”

Andy Samberg:
“‘Cause we’re cultural mavens!”

Chris Parnell:
“Like dem and we scream out:”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“That’s so Raven!!”

[ cut to Andy and Chris roaming the streets ]

Andy Samberg:
“Go to Sister Act!”

Chris Parnell:
“Like a pistol whack!”

Andy Samberg:
“All up in the theater!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Like aristocrats!”

Chris Parnell:
“We gonna Sister Act!”

Andy Samberg:
“Like we got racks on racks!”

Chris Parnell:
“‘Cause once you buy ’em!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“You can’t give your tickets back!”

Andy Samberg:
“On these New York streets
I honed my fake rap penmanship!”

Chris Parnell:
“That’s how it began!”

Andy Samberg:
“And that’s how I’m a finish it!”

[ Andy’s hand covers the camera lens, as a gunshot fires ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: A Message from the President of the United States



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20


11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

A Message from the President of the United States

Written by: Jim Downey

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. It was exactly one year ago last Tuesday, May 1, 2011, that U.S. Navy Seal Team 6, acting on my orders, put an end to the career of Osama bin Laden. I hope you had a safe and joyous first anniversary of his killing, and that you were able to spend it with those you love. This is a special time of year, when we gather together with family and friends to commemorate the shooting of this terrorist, and the gutsy decision that made it possible. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to be at home this year, as I had to fly to Afghanistan to remind President Karzai that, exactly one year ago, we killed Osama bin Laden, and that the decision to do so was a gutsy one. And was mine. To Michelle, Sasha, and Malia: I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you this time. You know there’s no place I’d rather be on Killing Osama bin Laden Day than with you. But I’ll be home for the next Killing Osama bin Laden Day. If only, as the song goes, in my dreams.

Now tonight, I want to talk to you about the economy. But first, a little more about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Why is it that Mitt Romney refuses to join the rest of his fellow Americans in commemorating the first year anniversary? Does he think that killing Osama bin Laden wasn’t the right thing to do, or that it wasn’t “gutsy”? Why all this sympathy for a terrorist? Could it be they shared some special bond, since Mitt and Osama were both members of the One Percent? He’s weird.

Now, I’ll get to the economy in a minute, but while I’m on the subject, there seems to be some confusion among the general public about when exactly we celebrate Killing Osama bin Laden Day. Many of you apparently think it’s the first Sunday in May, whatever date that falls on. Wrong. He may have been killed on the first Sunday of May, but Killing Osama bin Laden Day is always celebrated May 1st, the date of the actual killing, whatever day of the week that falls on. Are we clear? Also, in response to numerous queries, here are the appropriate gifts for each anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s death, according to the White House Office of Etiquette.

[ he reads from a sheet of paper ]

For the first anniversary: Paper. And the gemstone is opal.

For the fifth anniversary: Wood. The gemstone is amethyst.

For the tenth anniversary: Tin. Really. Tin. Many people think it’s silver, but it’s not. It’s tin. Remember that. You don’t want to be embarrassed. But you can also add your own ideas. For example, I’ve already promised Michelle and the girls, for the Tenth Anniversary, I’m taking them to Orlando.

One more thing: I want to remind us all that, when sending a Killing of Osama bin Laden anniversary card, or offering best wishes on Killing Osama bin Laden Day to a friend who happens to be Muslim, we should be considerate of Islamic cultural tradition. To many Muslims, phrases like Osama bin Laden “went dirt-napping,” or “assumed room temperature,” or “sleeps with the fishes,” can be offensive. Especially the last one, since, as we all know, he was buried at sea. And, of course, let’s all remember that heavy drinking and Killing Osamabin Laden Day are never a good combination. So please celebrate Killing Osama bin Laden Day responsibly. After all, it’s the “gutsy” decision.

Well, I’m afraid that’s all I have time for tonight. The economy, by the way, is looking fantastic. Thank you for listening, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 2011-2012


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: 2011-2012











Starring:

  • Fred Armisen
  • Abby Elliott
  • Bill Hader
  • Seth Meyers
  • Bobby Moynihan
  • Nasim Pedrad
  • Andy Samberg
  • Jason Sudeikis
  • Kenan Thompson
  • Kristen Wiig

    Featuring:
  • Vanessa Bayer
  • Paul Brittain (until 01/14/12)
  • Taran Killam
  • Kate McKinnon (starting 04/07/12)
  • Jay Pharoah
  • Writers:

  • James Anderson
  • Jessica Conrad
  • Jim Downey
  • Shelly Gossman
  • Steve Higgins
  • Zach Kanin
  • Chris Kelly
  • Erik Kenward
  • Rob Klein
  • Seth Meyers
  • Lorne Michaels
  • John Mulaney
  • Christine Nangle
  • Michael Patrick O’Brien
  • Paula Pell
  • Marika Sawyer
  • Sarah Schneider
  • Pete Schultz
  • John Solomon
  • Kent Sublette
  • Episodes

  • 09/24/11: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead
  • 10/01/11: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum
  • 10/08/11: Ben Stiller / Foster the People
  • 10/15/11: Anna Faris / Drake
  • 11/05/11: Charlie Day / Maroon 5
  • 11/12/11: Emma Stone / Coldplay
  • 11/19/11: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine
  • 12/03/11: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys
  • 12/10/11: Katy Perry / Robyn
  • 12/17/11: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé
  • 01/07/12: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson
  • 01/14/12: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey
  • 02/04/12: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver
  • 02/11/12: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin
  • 02/18/12: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells
  • 03/03/12: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White
  • 03/10/12: Jonah Hill / The Shins
  • 04/07/12: Sofia Vergara / One Direction
  • 04/14/12: Josh Brolin / Gotye
  • 05/05/12: Eli Manning / Rihanna
  • 05/12/12: Will Ferrell / Usher
  • 05/19/12: Mick Jagger
  • Summary

    SNL Transcripts