SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Amazon Kindle



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20




















11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Amazon Kindle

Dad #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Mom #1…..Kristen Wiig
Dad #2…..Bill Hader
Mom #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Man…..Taran Killam
Mom #3…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on mailman delivering an Amazon package to a townhouse ]

[ cut to interior, townhouse, as Dad #1 opens the package and pulls out a Chambord French press coffee maker ]

Announcer: This Mother’s Day, why not show Mom just how special she is? By surprising her with one of MILLIONS of gifts from Amazon.com?

Dad #1: Alright, let’s be quiet… Mom has no idea we’re bringing her breakfast in bed, okay? Shhh, shhh, shhh…

Announcer: Which means there’s a million ways to give your mother a surprise she’ll never forget.

[ Dad and the kids rush into the bedroom ]

Dad #1 and Kids: Happy Mother’s Day!!!

[ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” under the covers with one leg stretched into the air ]

Mom #1: GET OUT!!

Dad #1: [ stunned ] “Fifty Shades of Grey”? Isn’t that… that sex book?

Mom #1: [ embarrassed ] What?! Of course not!

Daughter: [ holding up vibrator ] Look — a microphone! [ singing ] “Mommyyyyy!”

[ Mom grabs her vibrator, as Dad gasps ]

[ cut to Dad #2 preparing a gift basket of goodies from Amazon ]

Announcer: Because, at Amazon, a million surprises for Mom are just a click away.

[ Dad and his son rush up the stairs and push the bathroom door open ]

Dad #2 and Son: Surprise!!

[ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” in a bubble bath, with her legs pressed upon the wall ]

Mom #2: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!

Dad #1: Is that “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

Mom #2: No! It’s… it’s a cook book.

Son: Mom! We got you bath stuff!

Mom #2: I see that, Jonah. Thank you. [ she lifts a gloved hand out of the bath and points ] Just… put it down on the ground.

[ cut to Man wheeling a new washing machine down the hall ]

Announcer: On Amazon.com, Mommy surprises come in ALL sizes.

[ he opens the laundry room door ]

Man: Mom! Happy Mother’s Day!

[ reveal Mom wearing dog collar with her crotch pressed against the working dryer as she reads “Fifty Shades of Grey” ]

Man: Oh — “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

Mom #3: Get out!

Man: [ spotting a framed photo on the dryer ] Is that Joel McHale?

Mom #3: No, it’s your dad! Get out!!

[ cut to product display ]

Announcer: So, this Mother’s Day, go to Amazon.com and get Mom what she really wants: “Fifty Shades of Grey”. On Kindle!

[ return to Dad #1 operating the camera in the bedroom ]

Dad #1: Alright, come on — get next to the kids! Are you ready? [ Mom and the covers stands behind the kids ] 1… 2… 3! [ he clicks the picture ] Yayyyyy!

[ cut to rear angle, to reveal Mom’s bare pixellated ass ]

Dad #1: [ looking at picture ] Oh, no… you seem angry.

[ Mom smirks ]

[ cut to product display ]

Announcer: The Kindle. What are you reading, Mom? We’ll never know.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mick Jagger: 05/19/12: Mick Jagger with Arcade Fire performs “The Last Time”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22








11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger with Arcade Fire performs “The Last Time”

…..Mick Jagger
…..Arcade Fire

[ open on a capella group harmonizing at Home Base ]

A Capella Group: [ singing ]
“This may — this may be the last time
Ohhhhhh, maybe.
This may be the last time
This may be the last time
May be the last time
I don’t knowwwwwwww!”

[ camera pans over to the musical guest stage ]

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“Well, I told you once and I told you twice
But ya never listen to my advice
You don’t try very hard to please me
With what you know, it should be easy.

Well, this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no! Oh no!

Well, I’m sorry, girl, but I can’t stay
Feelin’ like I do today
It’s too much pain and too much sorrow
Guess I’ll feel the same tomorrow.

Well, this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no! Oh no!”

[ instrument break ]

“This could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no! Oh no!

Well, I told you once and I told you twice
But ya never listen to my advice
But here’s a chance to change your mind
‘Cause I’ll be gone a long, long time.

Well, this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no.

This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!
This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!
This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!
This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!”

Arcade Fire! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts