SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Amazon Kindle



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20




















11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Amazon Kindle

Dad #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Mom #1…..Kristen Wiig
Dad #2…..Bill Hader
Mom #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Man…..Taran Killam
Mom #3…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on mailman delivering an Amazon package to a townhouse ] [ cut to interior, townhouse, as Dad #1 opens the package and pulls out a Chambord French press coffee maker ]

Announcer: This Mother’s Day, why not show Mom just how special she is? By surprising her with one of MILLIONS of gifts from Amazon.com?

Dad #1: Alright, let’s be quiet… Mom has no idea we’re bringing her breakfast in bed, okay? Shhh, shhh, shhh…

Announcer: Which means there’s a million ways to give your mother a surprise she’ll never forget.

[ Dad and the kids rush into the bedroom ]

Dad #1 and Kids: Happy Mother’s Day!!!

[ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” under the covers with one leg stretched into the air ]

Mom #1: GET OUT!!

Dad #1: [ stunned ] “Fifty Shades of Grey”? Isn’t that… that sex book?

Mom #1: [ embarrassed ] What?! Of course not!

Daughter: [ holding up vibrator ] Look — a microphone! [ singing ] “Mommyyyyy!”

[ Mom grabs her vibrator, as Dad gasps ] [ cut to Dad #2 preparing a gift basket of goodies from Amazon ]

Announcer: Because, at Amazon, a million surprises for Mom are just a click away.

[ Dad and his son rush up the stairs and push the bathroom door open ]

Dad #2 and Son: Surprise!!

[ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” in a bubble bath, with her legs pressed upon the wall ]

Mom #2: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!

Dad #1: Is that “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

Mom #2: No! It’s… it’s a cook book.

Son: Mom! We got you bath stuff!

Mom #2: I see that, Jonah. Thank you. [ she lifts a gloved hand out of the bath and points ] Just… put it down on the ground.

[ cut to Man wheeling a new washing machine down the hall ]

Announcer: On Amazon.com, Mommy surprises come in ALL sizes.

[ he opens the laundry room door ]

Man: Mom! Happy Mother’s Day!

[ reveal Mom wearing dog collar with her crotch pressed against the working dryer as she reads “Fifty Shades of Grey” ]

Man: Oh — “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

Mom #3: Get out!

Man: [ spotting a framed photo on the dryer ] Is that Joel McHale?

Mom #3: No, it’s your dad! Get out!!

[ cut to product display ]

Announcer: So, this Mother’s Day, go to Amazon.com and get Mom what she really wants: “Fifty Shades of Grey”. On Kindle!

[ return to Dad #1 operating the camera in the bedroom ]

Dad #1: Alright, come on — get next to the kids! Are you ready? [ Mom and the covers stands behind the kids ] 1… 2… 3! [ he clicks the picture ] Yayyyyy!

[ cut to rear angle, to reveal Mom’s bare pixellated ass ]

Dad #1: [ looking at picture ] Oh, no… you seem angry.

[ Mom smirks ] [ cut to product display ]

Announcer: The Kindle. What are you reading, Mom? We’ll never know.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Little Brothers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20














11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Little Brothers

…..Eli Manning
Older Brother…..Andy Samberg

Eli Manning: Hi. I’m Eli Manning, and I’m a proud ambassador to the Little Brothers program.

[ dissolve to Manning outdoors with a group of small kids ]

Eli Manning V/O: Our organization helps kids build confidence, reach their goals, and overcome their adversity — especially when that adversity… is an older sibling.

[ cut to Manning sitting on a bench with a little brother ]

Eli Manning: So… what does your older brother do to you?

Little Brother: He breaks my toys and doesn’t allow me to play with my video games.

Eli Manning: Let’s find a creative solution to fix that.

[ dissolve to older brother’s bedroom, as he enters brushing his teeth, surprised to see a stern-looking Eli Manning sitting on his bed with his younger brother ]

Brother: Are you Eli Manning?

Eli Manning: Nope. I’m your worst fucking nightmare!

[ cut to Manning holding the older brother upside-down over an open-mouthed toilet ]

Eli Manning V/O: I understand the frustration of an older brother who thinks he can boss you around.

[ cut to Manning and the little brother playing video games together ]

Eli Manning: This is fun, right?

Little Brother: Yeah!

[ zoom out to reveal Manning giving the older brother an atomic wedgie ]

Eli Manning: Right?! [ he tugs harder ]

Brother: Yes, sir! It’s fun!

[ cut to an older brother messing with his younger brother on a street corner ]

Eli Manning V/O: At Little Brothers, we’re ready to face any level of big brother problems.

[ the older brother stops laughing when he looks up to see Eli Manning running straight for him ]

Eli Manning V/O: We know that big brothers… can be real dickheads!

[ Manning tackles the older brother and shoves his face into the dirt ] [ cut to Manning testimonial ]

Eli Manning: We also provide kids with great sports and activities. Like Dodge Ball…

[ cut to Manning and little brothers in attack stance to throw dodge balls at an older brother chained to a fence ]

Brother: Stop!!

Eli Manning V/O: T-Ball…

[ cut to Manning and a little brother using an older brother’s mouth as a t-ball stand, then swinging on the close-up ]

Eli Manning V/O: And Archery.

[ cut to Manning holding a bow-and-arrow ]

Eli Manning: I’ll give you a five-second head start. [ the older brother runs for it ] 1… 2… [ he takes aim ] Good enough!

[ cut to Manning standing over an open car trunk ]

Eli Manning: Maybe now you’ll learn to treat your younger brother with some RESPECT, Peyton!

Older Brother: [ inside car trunk ] My name is not Peyton!!

Eli Manning: Whatever! [ he slams the trunk shut ] [ dissolve to Manning standing with a group of little brothers ]

Eli Manning: The Little Brothers program. Because a time of reckoning is now at hand!

[ they all begin to laugh maniacally ]

Eli Manning: YES!! YES!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Fox and Friends



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20












11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Fox and Friends

Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Rupert Murdoch…..Fred Armisen

[ opening graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Fox and Friends.”

[ dissolve to the morning show hosts on-set ]

Steve Doocy: Thank you! Welcome back to the third hour of “Fox and Friends.” I’m Steve Doocy, and, joining me as always — Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade!

Gretchen Carlson: Oh, good morning! [ she laughs ]

Brian Kilmeade: Happy Monday!

Steve Doocy: Did everybody have a good weekend?

Gretchen Carlson: GREAT weekend!

Brian Kilmeade: I finally took the tree down!

Steve Doocy: Oh, great! You know, THAT’S how you fight the liberal war on Christmas — you keep the tree up ’til May!

Gretchen Carlson: You know, I heard the White House doesn’t even call it a Christmas tree — they call it a “Holiday” tree.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, man! I had to throw mine out because a raccoon had babies in it!

Steve Doocy: Miracle of life! Well, this week was the one-year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden. And shame on President Barack Obama, who is running a campaign ad that argues Mit Romney would not have made the same decision to launch the raid?

Gretchen Carlson: It’s ridiculous! ANYONE would have launched that raid!

Steve Doocy: Absolutely! I mean, name ONE person who wouldn’t have launched that raid!

Brian Kilmeade: I can name one person who wouldn’t have launched that raid: Barack Obama!

Steve Doocy: No… Brian…

Gretchen Carlson: No, that doesn’t work this time.

Brian Kilmeade: But it always works!

Steve Doocy: Not this time — he already did it. Yeah, no… yep, yep!

Gretchen Carlson: Uh, also — I’m just gonna say something…

Steve Doocy: Uh-oh! Look out! Here she goes!

Gretchen Carlson: How do we know bin Laden is really dead?

Brian Kilmeade: Whoa, there it is!

Gretchen Carlson: I’m serious! Okay? So they say they have pictures. Okay? Well, you can do a lot with Photoshop!

Steve Doocy: Hmm…

Gretchen Carlson: Okay? You can make it look like glaciers are melting.

Steve Doocy: Oh, wow!

Gretchen Carlson: Okay? I once saw a picture of a mountain with four presidents’ faces on it. OKay? That’s not real!

Steve Doocy: I saw that! That’s not real! That’s not real!

Brian Kilmeade: And, sometimes, people who you think are dead, aren’t dead. I mean, I thought Tupac Shakur was dead, and then I saw he did a concert, why, just last week.

Steve Doocy: No… no… that was a hologram, Brian.

Brian Kilmeade: Uh, but if Tupac was a hologram, the bullet would have gone right through him.

Gretchen Carlson: Hmm… Well, I, for one, hope that Hologram Tupac doesn’t turn to a life of crime.

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. Sure.

Gretchen Carlson: Because he would be impossible to catch. Alright? [ demonstrating ] I got him! Oh, no — he’s gone!”

Steve Doocy: THat’s a good point. That’s a really good point.

Brian Kilmeade: I don’t know, maybe call the Ghostbusters?

Steve Doocy: Yeah. Alright, moving on… the White House Correspondents Dinner was last week, and there was the President telling jokes again!

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, he’s always telling jokes!

Steve Doocy: I mean, I guess the President thinks what’s happening to this country is funny?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah! I’ve got a joke for him: What is black and white and lies?

Steve Doocy: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Brian Kilmeade: What?! What’d I do? What? What’s the problem?

Steve Doocy: Brian, do NOT say Barack Obama!

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I was going to say a panda on Weight Watchers. I mean, black and white and lies: “This bamboo is only six points.” [ he laughs ]

Gretchen Carlson: Well, why were you going to say that?

Brian Kilmeade: I mean, we were just talking about jokes, it popped into my head.. it’s just so funny!

Steve Doocy: Hmm. Well, one person who’s not laughing this week is Rupert Murdoch, who’s under investigation by British authorities for hacking phones.

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, so he taped some phone calls. So what?!

Brian Kilmeade: If people didn’t tape phone calls, we never would have had the Jerky Boys!

Steve Doocy: Great point! Great point! Joining us now, live via satellite in London — Rupert Murdoch! Good morning, Rupert!

Rupert Murdoch: [ smiling like a weasel ] Hello, my children!

Brian Kilmeade: Now… you’re in London, correct?

Rupert Murdoch: Correct!

Brian Kilmeade: Now… is it true it’s five hours later there?

Rupert Murdoch: Yes!

Brian Kilmeade: So… you could watch the Yankee game, and then tell us who won before anyone else here knew?

Rupert Murdoch: What?

Steve Doocy: Oh, Brian… please.

Brian Kilmeade: I don’t understand. I bet that’s how he made his fortune, betting on sports!

Steve Doocy: No, no… Alright, now we should disclose that Rupert Murdoch owns Fox News.

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, and I’d like to disclose that I think Rupert Murdoch is great!

Rupert Murdoch: Thank you.

Steve Doocy: Yeah, and you know, so do I. Why does disclosing have to be so negative?

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah! Right!

Brian Kilmeade: And I should disclose that I don’t quite know what “disclose” means.

Rupert Murdoch: What in the hell is going ON over there?!

Gretchen Carlson: Guys, we’re being rude to our guest. Now, Rupert — what is this parliamentary committee so mad about?

Rupert Murdoch: Oh, they accused me of having a lack of ETHICS!

Steve Doocy: Ooooookay! Here we go again! Affirmative action rears its ugly head again!

Gretchen Carlson: You should only hire an ethnic if you want to hire an ethnic!

Steve Doocy: Absolutely! Absolutely!

Rupert Murdoch: Not “lack of ethnics“! “Lack of ETHICS”! You’re the dumbest people I’ve ever met, and I’m from Australia!

Steve Doocy: Oh! Australia, huh? “G’day, mate!” [ he laughs ]

Gretchen Carlson: “Top of the morning!” [ she laughs ]

Brian Kilmeade: “Hakuna matata!” [ he laugh and tips an invisible hat ]

Steve Doocy: So what’s next for Rupert Murdoch?

Rupert Murdoch: I’ve made some mistakes, but I’m not gonna let this stop me! I’m gonna continue on with my great Socialist experiment of seeing how misinformed a person can be while hosting a morning news program! [ he laughs ]

Steve Doocy: Oh!

Gretchen Carlson: Well, good luck with that!

Steve Doocy: Yeah, keep us updated!

Brian Kilmeade: [ laughing nervously ] “A panda at Weight Watchers!” [ he laughs ] “Oh, bamboo is only six points — I swear!”

Gretchen Carlson: We’ll take a quick break, but first — our fact checkers have looked over the first two hours of the show, and we have a few corrections!

[ scroll:

“There are currently no bills before the House that would require women to have a transvaginal ultrasound before buying sunglasses.

The Taliban is not producing cereal called “Honey Bunches of Goats.”

Kirk Cameron is not the voice of Siri.

Miss America is not third in the order of succession for the Presidency, nor is Miss Teen USA fourth.

Airplanes do not fly by flapping their wings.

Patricia Heaton did not win a Nobel Prize for her work on “Everybody Loves Raymond.”

Hail consists of frozen water; it is not “made of sins.”

President Barack Obama does not plan to take the “forwarding” option away from email.

Disney World is not planning to add Rush Limbaugh to their Hall of Presidents.

Nowhere in the Bible does it mention Garth Brooks or Chris Gaines.

Turtles do not have “tiny TVs and sofa beds” inside their shells.

Pete Rose did not receive a lifetime ban from the Hallmark Hall of Fame.

“National Treasure” is a not a documentary even though it feels very real.

Wisconsin is an American state and not “just a bit.”

Mormons breathe air.

Horses do not have “teeth so sharp you wouldn’t believe it.”

Children raised by same-sex couples are not statistically more likely to let the American flag touch the ground.

“Psych” is a popular detective show on the USA Network, not a super-secret NASA Mind Experiment.

It takes more than five to six months of medical school to become a surgeon.

Sour Patch Kids are a snack food and therefore physically incapable of pulling a knife on someone.

Congress has not declared a “War on Jean Shorts.”

It is unlikely that Fareed Zakaria is Willem Defoe in character.

Babies tend to like hugs.

It is not illegal to discard a Christmas tree.

John Wilkes Booth was not wearing a hooded sweatshirt when he shot President Lincoln, nor were the Lincolns attending a staging of “The Vagina Monologues.”

There is no federal program called “Cash for Bees.”

You do not need a spaceship to get to China.

The Watergate is a hotel in Washington D.C., not a portal to an undersea kingdom.

Yellow and blue make green, not “blellow.”

The new World Trade Center does not transform into a karate robot.

Seeing-eye dogs are neither able to nor allowed to drive.

It is likely that immigrants do not feed on the blood of our cattle at night while we are all sleeping.

Baseball is a land sport.

It is widely accepted that ears are used for hearing.” ]

Gretchen Carlson: We’ll be right back, but first…

All: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20




11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Goodnights

…..Eli Manning

Eli Manning: Thanks to Rihanna, Sacha Baron Cohen and Martin Scorcese. Thanks to Lorne Michaels, and everybody for coming out. It was such a great show. The cast, they were unbelievable. THank you all so much for coming out, it’s so awesome!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Eli Manning’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20




















11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Eli Manning’s Monologue

…..Eli Manning
…..David Baas
…..David Diehl
…..Chris Snee
…..Shaun O’Hara
…..Abby McGrew
Audience Member #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience Member #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member #3…..Kate McKinnon
Audience Member #4…..Bill Hader
Audience Member #5…..Kenan Thompson
Audience Member #6…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Eli Manning!

Eli Manning: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! After TWO Super Bowls… this is definitely the THIRD most exciting night of my life! The New York fans have been GREAT to us! We had a big parade downtown, where we took the Lombardi trophy to the heart of the city — and now we have no idea where it is!

I’m a little out of my element, but I have some guys here who ALWAYS have my back — my offensive line. [ reveal David Baas, David Diehl, Chris Snee, and Shaun O’Hara in the balcony ] They go with me everywhere — parties, restaurants… they were even with me in the room with me and my wife, Abby, when our daughter was born. Wasn’t that great, honey? [ reveal Abby McGrew in the audience, laughing, but shaking her head No ]

You know — I grew up in New Orleans, went to school in Mississippi, but I gotta say, I finally feel like a REAL New Yorker! It took a few years… but now, I’m an expert. So if there are any tourists here tonight, I’d be glad to answer your questions. [ pointing ] Oh. Yes?

Audience Member #1: Yeah. My family and I were wondering: What’s the BEST place to get Italian food in New York City?

Eli Manning: Well… there’s a great place called The Olive Garden. You gotta go to New Jersey… but it’s worth it.

Audience Member #1: So… I have to go to New Jersey for New York pasta?

Eli Manning: Hey — I play for the New York Giants, and all my games are played in New Jersey. [ pointing ] Yes?

Audience Member #2: Hi. My wife and I thought we’d see a Broadway show?

Audience Member #3: Yeah, do you have any recommendations?

Eli Manning: “Cats”! You gotta see “Cats”! It’s cats… who can sing!

Audience Member #2: Is that even still playing?

Eli Manning: I don’t know. I saw the ad on TV when I was a kid. It was so great. You know what? Even if it’s not playing, do what I used to do — put the “Cats” soundtrack on your iPod, and then go to a pet store and look at some cats! It’s like you’re watching a bunch of singing cats! [ pointing ] How about you?

Audience Member #4: I want to explore a little. Is there a place I can do a walking tour?

Eli Manning: Absolutely! New York has so many GREAT neighborhoods: SoHo… NoHo… BeBo…J-Lo… Flo-Jo. You gotta explore them all!

Audience Member #4: [ confused ] Where is BeBo?

Eli Manning: [ shrugs ] Hey — fugetaboutit! Right? Fugetaboutit! [ pointing ] Yep?

Audience Member #5: Uh — what do you do in the city to just have fun?

Eli Manning: Oh, man… I’m glad you asked that! I do this ALL the time: Get some bulky shopping bags and three of the FATTEST kids I can find. Just big, husky kids. Then we all walk hand-in-hand next to each other in Times Square — slow as Hell! It’s SO fun! Last year, one of us got hit in the head with a brick! It was hilarious! [ looking around ] Anyone else? [ pointing ] Yeah?

Audience Member #6: I know a lot of celebrities live in the city. Any hot places to spot a famous person?

Eli Manning: Of course! I see famous people every day, because I stand in the audience outside “The Today Show”. Look at this:

[ reveal photo of Al Roker, Ann Curry and Matt Laurer standing outside, with Manning behind the barricade in a rainbow wig and holding a sign that reads “Quarterbacks do it in 2 minutes.” ]

Eli Manning: Look close! There’s me in the rainbow wig with a hilarious sign! It was SO cool! I got to be on LIVE TV! When will I do that again?

So that’s my New York! If you don’t like it… fugetaboutit! We’ve got a great show — Rihanna is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: A Message from the President of the United States



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20


11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

A Message from the President of the United States

Written by: Jim Downey

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. It was exactly one year ago last Tuesday, May 1, 2011, that U.S. Navy Seal Team 6, acting on my orders, put an end to the career of Osama bin Laden. I hope you had a safe and joyous first anniversary of his killing, and that you were able to spend it with those you love. This is a special time of year, when we gather together with family and friends to commemorate the shooting of this terrorist, and the gutsy decision that made it possible. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to be at home this year, as I had to fly to Afghanistan to remind President Karzai that, exactly one year ago, we killed Osama bin Laden, and that the decision to do so was a gutsy one. And was mine. To Michelle, Sasha, and Malia: I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you this time. You know there’s no place I’d rather be on Killing Osama bin Laden Day than with you. But I’ll be home for the next Killing Osama bin Laden Day. If only, as the song goes, in my dreams.

Now tonight, I want to talk to you about the economy. But first, a little more about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Why is it that Mitt Romney refuses to join the rest of his fellow Americans in commemorating the first year anniversary? Does he think that killing Osama bin Laden wasn’t the right thing to do, or that it wasn’t “gutsy”? Why all this sympathy for a terrorist? Could it be they shared some special bond, since Mitt and Osama were both members of the One Percent? He’s weird.

Now, I’ll get to the economy in a minute, but while I’m on the subject, there seems to be some confusion among the general public about when exactly we celebrate Killing Osama bin Laden Day. Many of you apparently think it’s the first Sunday in May, whatever date that falls on. Wrong. He may have been killed on the first Sunday of May, but Killing Osama bin Laden Day is always celebrated May 1st, the date of the actual killing, whatever day of the week that falls on. Are we clear? Also, in response to numerous queries, here are the appropriate gifts for each anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s death, according to the White House Office of Etiquette.

[ he reads from a sheet of paper ]

For the first anniversary: Paper. And the gemstone is opal.

For the fifth anniversary: Wood. The gemstone is amethyst.

For the tenth anniversary: Tin. Really. Tin. Many people think it’s silver, but it’s not. It’s tin. Remember that. You don’t want to be embarrassed. But you can also add your own ideas. For example, I’ve already promised Michelle and the girls, for the Tenth Anniversary, I’m taking them to Orlando.

One more thing: I want to remind us all that, when sending a Killing of Osama bin Laden anniversary card, or offering best wishes on Killing Osama bin Laden Day to a friend who happens to be Muslim, we should be considerate of Islamic cultural tradition. To many Muslims, phrases like Osama bin Laden “went dirt-napping,” or “assumed room temperature,” or “sleeps with the fishes,” can be offensive. Especially the last one, since, as we all know, he was buried at sea. And, of course, let’s all remember that heavy drinking and Killing Osamabin Laden Day are never a good combination. So please celebrate Killing Osama bin Laden Day responsibly. After all, it’s the “gutsy” decision.

Well, I’m afraid that’s all I have time for tonight. The economy, by the way, is looking fantastic. Thank you for listening, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Text Message Evidence



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20














11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Text Message Evidence

Defense Attorney…..Jason Sudeikis
Chad Kevin Jeremy…..Eli Manning
Judge…..Bill Hader
Prosecuting Attorney…..Abby Elliott

[ open on exterior, courthouse ] [ dissolve to interior, courtroom ]

Defense Attorney: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury… you’ve heard the prosecution’s case. But I will now prove that this murder could NOT have been committed by my client, Mr. Chad Kevin Jeremy. [ he stands ] Now, it’s important that you remember that the Coroner’s report places the time of death between 10:30 and 11:30 p.m. on the evening of March 24th. Mr. Jeremy, where were you at, at that time.

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] I was at home, all evening.

Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. Now, did anyone actually see you at home? A wife or a girlfriend?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, sir. I live alone.

Defense Attorney: But, you were, maybe, in communication with someone during that time? Anyone?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, I was.

Defense Attorney: Oh. Good. Speaking on the phone?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] I was texting.

Defense Attorney: I see. Now, Your Honor, uh — the Defense submits Exhibit G. [ he hands over a stack of papers ] These are the text messages that my client sent during the time of the murder. Now, Chad, looking at the top of this page, is this your phone number? [ he holds up the page ]

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes.

Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm.Now, at 10:24, you texted: “Just got home, thanks again for dinner, gonna go to bed soon.” And do you recognize the number that you sent that to? [ he holds up the page ]

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] That’s my sister’s number.

Defense Attorney: Great. Great. Now, at 10:32, you sent the following to a different number: “Hey, you. Thinking about you, cutie. You still up?” Interesting. Now, uh, do you recognize that number? [ he holds up the page ]

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] That’s a girl I met at a bar.

Defense Attorney: Okay. Now at the end of that text, you put a semicolon and a Capital P. Now what did that represent?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] It’s a face… like the face I was making at the time. Like I was winking, but I was also sticking my tongue out.

Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. I see. And could you make that face for the jury, please?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, I can. [ he tilts his head, winks, and sticks his tongue out ]

Defense Attorney: [ chuckling ] Not exactly the face of a man about to commit murder, is it?

Prosecuting Attorney: Your Honor… Your Honor, this is irrelevant!

Judge: I’ll allow it.

Defense Attorney: Thank you, Your Honor. [ continuing ] Now, the following texts were all sent between 10:41 and 10:51 p.m. to various female recipients. We have: “You up?”… “Hey, you. What up?”… “You out?” Another one: “You out?” Another: “You out?” And, finally: “What are those big boobs of yours doing right now?” Were these your texts?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone, embarrassed ] Yes, they were.

Defense Attorney: [ smiling ] Further proof that my client was in no mood for murder! Now, at 10:54, he texted: “Want some?”, and he attached the following photo — Defense admits Exhibit H, this cell phone photo. [ he holds up a blown-up photo of Jeremy sitting in boxer shorts while holding a banana between his legs ] Now, Chad… the banana is meant to represent…?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] A penis.

Defense Attorney: Whose penis?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] My penis.

Defense Attorney: And would you say this is… an accurate depiction?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, it is not.

Defense Attorney: And, uh, why is that?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] The banana is larger.

Judge: I was gonna say! [ he starts to chuckle ]

Defense Attorney: Yeah, yeah! Now, the recipient of the photo responded at 11:01: “Chad, you woke me and my fiancee. Don’t text me any more.” And you responded with one word, spelled “K-E-W-L.” And that just means… No, how do you pronounce that word, actually?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Kewl.

Defense Attorney: I see. And, uh… and that just means…?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Cool!”

Defense Attorney: But, again — it’s pronounced…?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Kee-ooh-ewl!”

Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. And, for the jury, one more time?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Kewl!”

Defense Attorney: Now, following that, my client, uh, sent out another series of texts, again, each one to a different female: “You up?”… “You out?”… “You up?”… “You out?”… “You out?”… “You out?”… “S’up?”

Judge: The guy casts a wide net, huh?

Defense Attorney: [ laughing ] And then, finally: “Hey, I’m probably the last guy on Earth you want to hear from right now, and you don’t have to respond if you don’t want to. Just know that you are loved.”

Judge: Awwww…

Defense Attorney: [ laughing, as he pats the Judge’s hand ] Now, on that last one, there was a colon followed by a lower case O. Could you make that face for the jury, please?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, sir. [ he raises his eyes up and makes an O-face ]

Defense Attorney: Understood. Now, at 11:08, you received this text: “Dear Wal-Mart Shopper, you won $1,000 gift card.”, and you responded: “Who this?”… followed by: “You up?” So you’re just kind of fishing for anything by that point, huh?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] That’s correct.

Defense Attorney: Yeah. Now, moving on… at 11:21, you sent: “Feeling better, cutie?” And who was that sent to?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] A co-worker who was in a car accident.

Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. Now… did you meet up with her?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, sir. She was in a coma. It was a very bad car accident.

Defense Attorney: And, uh, did you know that when you sent the text?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, I did.

Judge: Euggghhhh…

Defense Attorney: Yeah, yeah… it’s unbelievable. I know. It’s alright, it’s alright. Now, you sent her, uh, you sent her one more text that night. Would you mind reading that for the jury? [ he hands Jeremy the sheet ]

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “You going out after? I’m having a beer near the hospital with some bros. Let me know if you wanna hook up. Hehe!”

Defense Attorney: Would you mind reading that last part again, please?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Hehe!”

Defense Attorney: I see. Sort of a child-like laughter. I understand. Were you laughing like that at the time?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, sir. I guess I was just being silly, yet sexy. You know, like: “Hee hee!” [ he tilts his head, winks, and sticks his tongue out ]

Prosecuting Attorney: Your Honor, none of this proves he was home all night!

Defense Attorney: Uh, well — he was! And if these texts weren’t enough to prove that, I would like to present my client’s Internet search history from that evening. [ he holds up a separate sheet ]

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ stunned, he leans into the microphone ] I’d rather just confess to the murder!

Defense Attorney: But… but you didn’t do it! You didn’t do it! So could you just read the, uh, to the jury the first thing you searched for there? [ he hands the sheet over ]

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Elderly Butts.”

Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm.

Prosecuting Attorney: Yeah. The prosecution can’t hear any more of this. We drop the charges.

Judge: [ amused ] Yeah, but I’d like to hear more! What’s the next one?

Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Very Elderly Butts.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: What Is This?



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20














11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

What Is This?

Kimberly Clemens…..Abby Elliott
Joanne Templeton…..Vanessa Bayer
Fred Pollock…..Bill Hader
Ryan Mack…..Eli Manning

Announcer: And now, it’s time to play…

Audience: What! Is! This?

Announcer: And here’s your host — Kimberly Clemens!

Kimberly Clemens: Hello! And welcome to “What Is This?”, the world’s easiest game show! We’ll show you something, and you tell us… “What Is This?” Joining us this week: She’s a achoolteacher from Baton Rouge, Louisiana — Joanne Templeton!

Joanne Templeton: [ smiling ] I just want to say to all my students: “Go to bed!” [ she laughs ] Just kidding!

Kimberly Clemens: [ laughing ] He’s a dental assistant from Bridgeton, Maine — Fred Pollock!

Fred Pollack: I just want to say to all of Joanne’s students: “Don’t forget to FLOSS before you go to bed!” And I am NOT kidding! [ he laughs ]

Kimberly Clemens: And he’s a grad student and, coincidentally, the guy I’ve been seeing for the last six months — Ryan Mack!

Ryan Mack: [ waving meekly ] Oh, hey. You never told me you hosted a game show.

Kimberly Clemens: Actually, I did. [ Ryan shrugs ] Okay! This first question is for Joanne! Joanne… [ balloons appear on monitor ] What is this?

Joanne Templeton: Um… those are balloons.

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Correct! No wonder you’re a teacher! Okay, Fred, you’re up! [ a cow appears on the monitor ] What is this?

Fred Pollack: Those are cows!

Kimberly Clemens: Oh. Well, we were looking for a cow, but… we’ll take it! [ ding! ] Okay! Ryan, it’s your turn, are you ready?

Ryan Mack: Yep! I feel like I’ve GOT this!

Kimberly Clemens: Great. Ryan… what is this?

[ the monitor remains unchanged with the show logo ]

Ryan Mack: [ shrugging ] What is what? There’s no picture.

Kimberly Clemens: No. I mean, like this. [ indicating their relationship ] What is this?

Ryan Mack: [ confused ] This what?

Kimberly Clemens: Thing we’ve been doing. We’ve been seeing each other for six months. What is this?

Ryan Mack: I don’t think I’m ready to answer that, babe.

Kimberly Clemens: Why not? It’s not like we’re seeing anyone else?

Ryan Mack: We’re not?

[ buzz! ]

Kimberly Clemens: That is WRONG! Okay, Round 2! Joanne… what is this? [ a tree appears on the monitor ]

Joanne Templeton: Um… that’s a tree!

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Great, Joanne! Brad… what is this? [ a quarter-moon appears on the monitor ]

Fred Pollack: That’s the nighttime sun!

Kimberly Clemens: Judges? [ ding! ] We’ll accept! Ryan, your turn!

Ryan Mack: [ shaking his head ] Uh… I don’t want to go…

Kimberly Clemens: Well, I don’t want to be “Kim From Bar”, but that’s still my name in your phone. Ryan, what is this? [ picture of her hugging an aloof Ryan appears on monitor ]

Ryan Mack: I don’t know. babe… it’s us at a party.

Kimberly Clemens: Okay, but… is this like friends at a party, or is this like boyfriend-girlfriend at a party?

Fred Pollack: I think I know.

Kimberly Clemens: Oh! Sure, sure! I’d love someone to give me an answer!

Fred Pollack: You look like friends, or, at least, you’re way more into him than he’s into you.

[ buzz! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Wrong, Fred! That’s wrong! Joanne, what do you think?

Joanne Templeton: Gosh, that picture is adorable! You tow make such a cute couple!

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Joanne is right! And so are my two sisters. A thousand points to Joanne… negative infinity points to Fred.

Fred Pollack: [ excited ] Alright!

Kimberly Clemens: Okay, Round 3: Fred and Joanne… what is this? [ a mailbox stuffed with letters appears on the monitor ]

Joanne Templeton: Uh… a mailbox.

Fred Pollack: A letter hole!

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Sure… sure. And, Ryan… [ she holds up her purse and pulls out a panty ] What is this?

Ryan Mack: [ confused ] Your underwear…?

Kimberly Clemens: Yes… yes. And deodorant. [ she pulls out deodorant ] I carry them around at all times, because I never know when I’m spending the night.

Ryan Mack: Hey — I always tell you you can go home after.

[ siren goes off ]

Kimberly Clemens: Okay! You all know what that sound means! It’s time for the final round! Joanne, you have the highest score. And, Ryan… I’m not done with you. So follow me! Fred, you can leave.

[ Joanne and Ryan step forward as Fred exits ]

Kimberly Clemens: This round is called “What Is That?” Let’s get 30 seconds on the clock — go! [ the clock ticks ] Joanne, what’s that? [ she point to her shirt ]

Joanne Templeton: Um… my shirt?

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Ryan… you keep telling me how much fun your brother’s wedding is gonna be, but you haven’t invited me yet. What is that?

Ryan Mack: [ shrugging ] It’s just my… my whole family will be there.

[ buzz! ]

Kimberly Clemens: I see. Joanne, what’s that? [ she points to her shirt again ]

Joanne Templeton: Uh… i-it’s my shirt again.

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Ryan, you’ve never let me see you cry, even though I’ve cried in front of you like a million times. What is that?

Ryan Mack: That’s a good question, Kim. What is that?

Kimberly Clemens: Pass. [ ding! ] Okay… Joanne, go.

Joanne Templeton: Uh… my shirt!

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Ryan?

Ryan Mack: Okay! Stop asking me the same question over and over! Ask me literally anything else!

Kimberly Clemens: Okay, Ryan. For ALL the points… What is that?

Ryan Mack: [ confused ] Joanne’s shirt?

Kimberly Clemens: Yaaaayyyyy! You win! [ ding! ] Oh! [ she hugs him ] Your prize is a non-transferrable trip for tow to FINALLY go meet your parents!

Ryan Mack: Wait… that’s not what I…

Kimberly Clemens: That’s our show! Don’t tune in next week, because I’ll be busy planning our wedding!

Ryan Mack: [ perturbed ] What…?

Kimberly Clemens: Come here, you… [ she wraps his arm around her ] Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:























Bit Players:


May 12th, 2012

Will Ferrell

Usher

None

Kay Ferrell

Ana Gasteyer

Will Forte

Wally Feresten

Justin Bieber

Julian Casablancas

Justin Timberlake

Natalie Portman

Michael Bolton

Jon Hamm

Lorne Michaels

Liam Neeson

Michael Patrick O’Brien

Jorma Taccone

Akiva Schaffer

Danielle Flora

Biden’s RoomSummary: After President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) takes credit for his stance on gay marriage, Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) confides in bosom buddy George W. Bush (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joe Biden, George W. Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Will Ferrell’s MonologueSummary: Will Ferrell struggles to use his own words instead of a script to tell his Mom, Kay Ferrell, he loves her for Mother’s Day.

Transcript

One-A-Day Extra Strength NasafluSummary: Woman (Kristen Wiig) tries to promote her family’s preferred cold medicine as her husband (Will Ferrell) yells loudly while sneezing.

Transcript

The CulpsSummary: Music teachers Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbi Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) perform a medley at a gay dance.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbi Mohan-Culp.

Stay Free Maxi Pads Ladies Long Drive Championship 1994Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis), Greg Stink (Will Forte), and sideline reporter Randy Feather (Will Ferrell) keep the Stay Free Maxi Pad sponsorship coming in lieu of focusing on golf match between Virginia Sacramento (Kristen Wiig) and Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf (Vanessa Bayer).

Recurring Characters: Pete Twinkle, Greg Stink.

Transcript

100th SNL Digital ShortSummary:

Usher performs “Scream”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: “Really!?!” Get In The Cage.

Recurring Characters: Nicolas Cage.

The 2012 Funkytown DebateSummary:

Broadway SizzleSummary: Public access hosts Darius Modelo (Bill Hader) and Cara Modelo La Bete (Kristen Wiig) observe Broadway hopefuls as they perform songs from musicals currently in production.

Usher performs “Climax”

Anniversary ToastSummary: A priest (Jason Sudeikis) is flummoxed by interruptive toasts made by distanr family members during his parents’ (Bill Hader, Kate McKinnon) 25th wedding anniversary.

Recurring Characters: Gail, Hamilton.

Almost PizzaSummary: Dad (Bill Hader) questions the mysterious new pizza facsimile that Mom (Kristen Wiig) is trying to convince him to eat.

Note: Repeat from 11r.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12: Biden’s Room



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21














11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

Biden’s Room

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Aide…..Taran Killam
Joseph Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, White House, night ] [ dissolve to interior hall outside of Vice-President Joe Biden’s room, a sign that reads “NO PRESIDENTS ALLOWED” taped to the door ]

President Barack Obama: Vice-President Biden’s still in there?

Aide: Yes, Mr. President.

President Barack Obama: [ calling ] Joe! It’s ME — Barack! [ he bangs on the door ] Can I come in?

Voice of Joe Biden: You mean “President JERK FACE?!”

President Barack Obama: [ he sighs ] I’m coming in, Joe.

[ Obama opens the door and enters the room to find Biden sitting on his bed in front of an electric train table set ]

President Barack Obama: [ sitting ] Joe… you’ve been locked inside your room all day. What’s wrong?

Joe Biden: What’s wrong?! Are you SERIOUS?! [ he stands ] Do you really not GET IT?!!

President Barack Obama: Does this have something to do with the whole, uh, gay marriage thing?

Joe Biden: Uh — DOYYYYYY!! It’s not FAIR, okay?! I was the first one who said it should be legal, but now YOU’RE the one getting all the credit!!

President Barack Obama: That’s not true.

Joe Biden: Oh! [ he gasps ] Oh, yeah?! Oh, really?! Then, why are you all dressed up?!

President Barack Obama: [ relunctant ] I’m going to a gala with Lady Gaga and Elton John.

Joe Biden: Awwwww!! See?!! That should be ME!! Vice-Presidents never get to go ANYWHERE!! [ he dives belly down onto his single bed ]

President Barack Obama: Joe, come on! You should be proud of what you did on “Meet The Press”. You’re a… you’re a great vice-president, Joe.

Joe Biden: [ sitting up ] Oh? Well, some people say I’d make a great president! Alright? Better than YOU, even!

President Barack Obama: Hey, who says that, Joe?

Joe Biden: George!

President Barack Obama: Are we gonna talk about your imaginary friend again, Joe?

Joe Biden: He’s NOT imaginary!! He’s REAL!!

President Barack Obama: Joe, uh, we have one more campaign to get through, and I need to know: Can I count on you?

Joe Biden: [ whispering ] Yes.

President Barack Obama: I can’t hear you.

Joe Biden: [ annoyed ] Yeeeessss!! [ he flops backward on his bed ]

President Barack Obama: Alright. [ he stands and grabs a plate with a half-eaten sandwich on it ] Can I take your plate now?

Joe Biden: NO!! No! George likes to finish what I don’t eat.

President Barack Obama: Alright. [ he opens the door ] Well… if you get hungry later, I left $20 on the counter so you can order yourself a pizza.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Okay. Maybe I WILL!

[ Obama exits ]

Joe Biden: Maybe I’ll just keep the twenty. [ calling out ] Okay, he’s gone! You can come out, George!

[ the closet door opens, and former president George W. Bush. exits with a couple of beers in hand ]

George W. Bush: Whew! That was close! [ he sits next to Biden on the bed ] That guy’s a real BUZZ KILL!

Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Yeah!

George W. Bush: You want an O’Doul’s?

Joe Biden: [ excited ] Sure! Yeah, yeah! [ he grabs the plate ] Hey — here’s the rest of my sandwich.

George W. Bush: Mucho! Mucho gracias!

Joe Biden: Yeah!

George W. Bush: I heard about that pizza, too — that’s gonna be sweet!

Joe Biden: Yeah! You know, everyone thinks you’re a FIGMENT of my imagination.

George W. Bush: Well… for some people, that’s just easier than accepting the TRUTH.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Yeah. Which is?

George W. Bush: That on my last day in office, I saw a butterfly and I chased it through the hallways…

Joe Biden: Yeah?

George W. Bush: I got lost, and I’ve been stuck here living in your closet for the past three-and-a-half years. BUt let me promise you one thing: I will not REST… until that butterfly is dead!

Joe Biden: Yeah!

[ they sip their beers ]

George W. Bush: Mmm. Now, what’s wrong, compadre? You seem down.

Joe Biden: Well, everybody says I have, like, a big mouth!

George W. Bush: Yeah?

Joe Biden: Well… it’s MY big mouth that got things done this time! Okay? Not his [ mimicking ] “careful weighing of options”!

George W. Bush: Heck! Those… those smartypants types are never going to understand speak-first guys like us.

Joe Biden: Exactly!

George W. Bush: Yeah, you know, they’re all brains.

Joe Biden: Yeah.

George W. Bush: You and me? We’re all gut and balls.

Joe Biden: Yeah!

George W. Bush: Yeah.

Joe Biden: Yeah!

George W. Bush: Every decision I ever made happened between my belly button and the middle of my thighs.

Joe Biden: Yeah! Yeah, I’m just so SICK of the way presidents are always riding me. I mean, I’m an ADULT!

George W. Bush: Hey, I’ve been there! I’ve been there! I used to catch grief all the time from President Cheney.

Joe Biden: Mmm-hmm.

George W. Bush: I’d be in the Oval Office hooking up the Slurpee machine, settling into a “Charles in Charge” marathon…

Joe Biden: Yeah! Uh-huh!

George W. Bush: And then that penguin would come waddling in and yell, “Get your damn pants on, we’re going to bomb blabbity-blah-blah-blah!” I mean, it’s like… whatever happened to being a kid?

Joe Biden: Exactly! Yeah, politics isn’t fair.

George W. Bush: No sir. Well… [ breathes deeply ] mission accomplished.

Joe Biden: What’s that supposed to mean?

George W. Bush: It’s just something I like to say when a problem isn’t solved… but I don’t want to talk about it any more.

Joe Biden: Well, thanks for being a pal!

George W. Bush: Hey! [ they clink beer cans ] You know, I can’t help but to think if you had been my Vice, we would have burned this city to the ground!

Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Literally, or figuratively?

George W. Bush: What’s the one where there’s a real fire?

Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Oh, you crazy son of a gun!

George W. Bush: [ standing ] Now, uh… now, let’s fidn that butterfly and bring it to justice. Where do you keep your shotgun?

Joe Biden: Well, I don’t have a shotgun.

George W. Bush: Well, what kind of Vice-President are you?

[ they crack up laughing ]

Joe Biden: Dick!

George W. Bush: Come on, let’s go.

Joe Biden: Okay. Wait, wait, hey — aren’t you forgetting something?

George W. Bush: Oh, right. I’m so rusty, I almost forgot. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts