SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: A Message from the President of the United States



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20


11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

A Message from the President of the United States

Written by: Jim Downey

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. It was exactly one year ago last Tuesday, May 1, 2011, that U.S. Navy Seal Team 6, acting on my orders, put an end to the career of Osama bin Laden. I hope you had a safe and joyous first anniversary of his killing, and that you were able to spend it with those you love. This is a special time of year, when we gather together with family and friends to commemorate the shooting of this terrorist, and the gutsy decision that made it possible. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to be at home this year, as I had to fly to Afghanistan to remind President Karzai that, exactly one year ago, we killed Osama bin Laden, and that the decision to do so was a gutsy one. And was mine. To Michelle, Sasha, and Malia: I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you this time. You know there’s no place I’d rather be on Killing Osama bin Laden Day than with you. But I’ll be home for the next Killing Osama bin Laden Day. If only, as the song goes, in my dreams.

Now tonight, I want to talk to you about the economy. But first, a little more about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Why is it that Mitt Romney refuses to join the rest of his fellow Americans in commemorating the first year anniversary? Does he think that killing Osama bin Laden wasn’t the right thing to do, or that it wasn’t “gutsy”? Why all this sympathy for a terrorist? Could it be they shared some special bond, since Mitt and Osama were both members of the One Percent? He’s weird.

Now, I’ll get to the economy in a minute, but while I’m on the subject, there seems to be some confusion among the general public about when exactly we celebrate Killing Osama bin Laden Day. Many of you apparently think it’s the first Sunday in May, whatever date that falls on. Wrong. He may have been killed on the first Sunday of May, but Killing Osama bin Laden Day is always celebrated May 1st, the date of the actual killing, whatever day of the week that falls on. Are we clear? Also, in response to numerous queries, here are the appropriate gifts for each anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s death, according to the White House Office of Etiquette.

[ he reads from a sheet of paper ]

For the first anniversary: Paper. And the gemstone is opal.

For the fifth anniversary: Wood. The gemstone is amethyst.

For the tenth anniversary: Tin. Really. Tin. Many people think it’s silver, but it’s not. It’s tin. Remember that. You don’t want to be embarrassed. But you can also add your own ideas. For example, I’ve already promised Michelle and the girls, for the Tenth Anniversary, I’m taking them to Orlando.

One more thing: I want to remind us all that, when sending a Killing of Osama bin Laden anniversary card, or offering best wishes on Killing Osama bin Laden Day to a friend who happens to be Muslim, we should be considerate of Islamic cultural tradition. To many Muslims, phrases like Osama bin Laden “went dirt-napping,” or “assumed room temperature,” or “sleeps with the fishes,” can be offensive. Especially the last one, since, as we all know, he was buried at sea. And, of course, let’s all remember that heavy drinking and Killing Osamabin Laden Day are never a good combination. So please celebrate Killing Osama bin Laden Day responsibly. After all, it’s the “gutsy” decision.

Well, I’m afraid that’s all I have time for tonight. The economy, by the way, is looking fantastic. Thank you for listening, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 2011-2012


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: 2011-2012











Starring:

  • Fred Armisen
  • Abby Elliott
  • Bill Hader
  • Seth Meyers
  • Bobby Moynihan
  • Nasim Pedrad
  • Andy Samberg
  • Jason Sudeikis
  • Kenan Thompson
  • Kristen Wiig

    Featuring:
  • Vanessa Bayer
  • Paul Brittain (until 01/14/12)
  • Taran Killam
  • Kate McKinnon (starting 04/07/12)
  • Jay Pharoah
  • Writers:

  • James Anderson
  • Jessica Conrad
  • Jim Downey
  • Shelly Gossman
  • Steve Higgins
  • Zach Kanin
  • Chris Kelly
  • Erik Kenward
  • Rob Klein
  • Seth Meyers
  • Lorne Michaels
  • John Mulaney
  • Christine Nangle
  • Michael Patrick O’Brien
  • Paula Pell
  • Marika Sawyer
  • Sarah Schneider
  • Pete Schultz
  • John Solomon
  • Kent Sublette
  • Episodes

  • 09/24/11: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead
  • 10/01/11: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum
  • 10/08/11: Ben Stiller / Foster the People
  • 10/15/11: Anna Faris / Drake
  • 11/05/11: Charlie Day / Maroon 5
  • 11/12/11: Emma Stone / Coldplay
  • 11/19/11: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine
  • 12/03/11: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys
  • 12/10/11: Katy Perry / Robyn
  • 12/17/11: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé
  • 01/07/12: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson
  • 01/14/12: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey
  • 02/04/12: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver
  • 02/11/12: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin
  • 02/18/12: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells
  • 03/03/12: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White
  • 03/10/12: Jonah Hill / The Shins
  • 04/07/12: Sofia Vergara / One Direction
  • 04/14/12: Josh Brolin / Gotye
  • 05/05/12: Eli Manning / Rihanna
  • 05/12/12: Will Ferrell / Usher
  • 05/19/12: Mick Jagger
  • Summary

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Text Message Evidence



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 37: Episode 20














    11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

    Text Message Evidence

    Defense Attorney…..Jason Sudeikis
    Chad Kevin Jeremy…..Eli Manning
    Judge…..Bill Hader
    Prosecuting Attorney…..Abby Elliott

    [ open on exterior, courthouse ] [ dissolve to interior, courtroom ]

    Defense Attorney: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury… you’ve heard the prosecution’s case. But I will now prove that this murder could NOT have been committed by my client, Mr. Chad Kevin Jeremy. [ he stands ] Now, it’s important that you remember that the Coroner’s report places the time of death between 10:30 and 11:30 p.m. on the evening of March 24th. Mr. Jeremy, where were you at, at that time.

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] I was at home, all evening.

    Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. Now, did anyone actually see you at home? A wife or a girlfriend?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, sir. I live alone.

    Defense Attorney: But, you were, maybe, in communication with someone during that time? Anyone?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, I was.

    Defense Attorney: Oh. Good. Speaking on the phone?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] I was texting.

    Defense Attorney: I see. Now, Your Honor, uh — the Defense submits Exhibit G. [ he hands over a stack of papers ] These are the text messages that my client sent during the time of the murder. Now, Chad, looking at the top of this page, is this your phone number? [ he holds up the page ]

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes.

    Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm.Now, at 10:24, you texted: “Just got home, thanks again for dinner, gonna go to bed soon.” And do you recognize the number that you sent that to? [ he holds up the page ]

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] That’s my sister’s number.

    Defense Attorney: Great. Great. Now, at 10:32, you sent the following to a different number: “Hey, you. Thinking about you, cutie. You still up?” Interesting. Now, uh, do you recognize that number? [ he holds up the page ]

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] That’s a girl I met at a bar.

    Defense Attorney: Okay. Now at the end of that text, you put a semicolon and a Capital P. Now what did that represent?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] It’s a face… like the face I was making at the time. Like I was winking, but I was also sticking my tongue out.

    Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. I see. And could you make that face for the jury, please?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, I can. [ he tilts his head, winks, and sticks his tongue out ]

    Defense Attorney: [ chuckling ] Not exactly the face of a man about to commit murder, is it?

    Prosecuting Attorney: Your Honor… Your Honor, this is irrelevant!

    Judge: I’ll allow it.

    Defense Attorney: Thank you, Your Honor. [ continuing ] Now, the following texts were all sent between 10:41 and 10:51 p.m. to various female recipients. We have: “You up?”… “Hey, you. What up?”… “You out?” Another one: “You out?” Another: “You out?” And, finally: “What are those big boobs of yours doing right now?” Were these your texts?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone, embarrassed ] Yes, they were.

    Defense Attorney: [ smiling ] Further proof that my client was in no mood for murder! Now, at 10:54, he texted: “Want some?”, and he attached the following photo — Defense admits Exhibit H, this cell phone photo. [ he holds up a blown-up photo of Jeremy sitting in boxer shorts while holding a banana between his legs ] Now, Chad… the banana is meant to represent…?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] A penis.

    Defense Attorney: Whose penis?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] My penis.

    Defense Attorney: And would you say this is… an accurate depiction?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, it is not.

    Defense Attorney: And, uh, why is that?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] The banana is larger.

    Judge: I was gonna say! [ he starts to chuckle ]

    Defense Attorney: Yeah, yeah! Now, the recipient of the photo responded at 11:01: “Chad, you woke me and my fiancee. Don’t text me any more.” And you responded with one word, spelled “K-E-W-L.” And that just means… No, how do you pronounce that word, actually?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Kewl.

    Defense Attorney: I see. And, uh… and that just means…?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Cool!”

    Defense Attorney: But, again — it’s pronounced…?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Kee-ooh-ewl!”

    Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. And, for the jury, one more time?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Kewl!”

    Defense Attorney: Now, following that, my client, uh, sent out another series of texts, again, each one to a different female: “You up?”… “You out?”… “You up?”… “You out?”… “You out?”… “You out?”… “S’up?”

    Judge: The guy casts a wide net, huh?

    Defense Attorney: [ laughing ] And then, finally: “Hey, I’m probably the last guy on Earth you want to hear from right now, and you don’t have to respond if you don’t want to. Just know that you are loved.”

    Judge: Awwww…

    Defense Attorney: [ laughing, as he pats the Judge’s hand ] Now, on that last one, there was a colon followed by a lower case O. Could you make that face for the jury, please?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, sir. [ he raises his eyes up and makes an O-face ]

    Defense Attorney: Understood. Now, at 11:08, you received this text: “Dear Wal-Mart Shopper, you won $1,000 gift card.”, and you responded: “Who this?”… followed by: “You up?” So you’re just kind of fishing for anything by that point, huh?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] That’s correct.

    Defense Attorney: Yeah. Now, moving on… at 11:21, you sent: “Feeling better, cutie?” And who was that sent to?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] A co-worker who was in a car accident.

    Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. Now… did you meet up with her?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, sir. She was in a coma. It was a very bad car accident.

    Defense Attorney: And, uh, did you know that when you sent the text?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, I did.

    Judge: Euggghhhh…

    Defense Attorney: Yeah, yeah… it’s unbelievable. I know. It’s alright, it’s alright. Now, you sent her, uh, you sent her one more text that night. Would you mind reading that for the jury? [ he hands Jeremy the sheet ]

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “You going out after? I’m having a beer near the hospital with some bros. Let me know if you wanna hook up. Hehe!”

    Defense Attorney: Would you mind reading that last part again, please?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Hehe!”

    Defense Attorney: I see. Sort of a child-like laughter. I understand. Were you laughing like that at the time?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, sir. I guess I was just being silly, yet sexy. You know, like: “Hee hee!” [ he tilts his head, winks, and sticks his tongue out ]

    Prosecuting Attorney: Your Honor, none of this proves he was home all night!

    Defense Attorney: Uh, well — he was! And if these texts weren’t enough to prove that, I would like to present my client’s Internet search history from that evening. [ he holds up a separate sheet ]

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ stunned, he leans into the microphone ] I’d rather just confess to the murder!

    Defense Attorney: But… but you didn’t do it! You didn’t do it! So could you just read the, uh, to the jury the first thing you searched for there? [ he hands the sheet over ]

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Elderly Butts.”

    Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm.

    Prosecuting Attorney: Yeah. The prosecution can’t hear any more of this. We drop the charges.

    Judge: [ amused ] Yeah, but I’d like to hear more! What’s the next one?

    Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Very Elderly Butts.”

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: What Is This?



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 37: Episode 20














    11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

    What Is This?

    Kimberly Clemens…..Abby Elliott
    Joanne Templeton…..Vanessa Bayer
    Fred Pollock…..Bill Hader
    Ryan Mack…..Eli Manning

    Announcer: And now, it’s time to play…

    Audience: What! Is! This?

    Announcer: And here’s your host — Kimberly Clemens!

    Kimberly Clemens: Hello! And welcome to “What Is This?”, the world’s easiest game show! We’ll show you something, and you tell us… “What Is This?” Joining us this week: She’s a achoolteacher from Baton Rouge, Louisiana — Joanne Templeton!

    Joanne Templeton: [ smiling ] I just want to say to all my students: “Go to bed!” [ she laughs ] Just kidding!

    Kimberly Clemens: [ laughing ] He’s a dental assistant from Bridgeton, Maine — Fred Pollock!

    Fred Pollack: I just want to say to all of Joanne’s students: “Don’t forget to FLOSS before you go to bed!” And I am NOT kidding! [ he laughs ]

    Kimberly Clemens: And he’s a grad student and, coincidentally, the guy I’ve been seeing for the last six months — Ryan Mack!

    Ryan Mack: [ waving meekly ] Oh, hey. You never told me you hosted a game show.

    Kimberly Clemens: Actually, I did. [ Ryan shrugs ] Okay! This first question is for Joanne! Joanne… [ balloons appear on monitor ] What is this?

    Joanne Templeton: Um… those are balloons.

    [ ding! ]

    Kimberly Clemens: Correct! No wonder you’re a teacher! Okay, Fred, you’re up! [ a cow appears on the monitor ] What is this?

    Fred Pollack: Those are cows!

    Kimberly Clemens: Oh. Well, we were looking for a cow, but… we’ll take it! [ ding! ] Okay! Ryan, it’s your turn, are you ready?

    Ryan Mack: Yep! I feel like I’ve GOT this!

    Kimberly Clemens: Great. Ryan… what is this?

    [ the monitor remains unchanged with the show logo ]

    Ryan Mack: [ shrugging ] What is what? There’s no picture.

    Kimberly Clemens: No. I mean, like this. [ indicating their relationship ] What is this?

    Ryan Mack: [ confused ] This what?

    Kimberly Clemens: Thing we’ve been doing. We’ve been seeing each other for six months. What is this?

    Ryan Mack: I don’t think I’m ready to answer that, babe.

    Kimberly Clemens: Why not? It’s not like we’re seeing anyone else?

    Ryan Mack: We’re not?

    [ buzz! ]

    Kimberly Clemens: That is WRONG! Okay, Round 2! Joanne… what is this? [ a tree appears on the monitor ]

    Joanne Templeton: Um… that’s a tree!

    [ ding! ]

    Kimberly Clemens: Great, Joanne! Brad… what is this? [ a quarter-moon appears on the monitor ]

    Fred Pollack: That’s the nighttime sun!

    Kimberly Clemens: Judges? [ ding! ] We’ll accept! Ryan, your turn!

    Ryan Mack: [ shaking his head ] Uh… I don’t want to go…

    Kimberly Clemens: Well, I don’t want to be “Kim From Bar”, but that’s still my name in your phone. Ryan, what is this? [ picture of her hugging an aloof Ryan appears on monitor ]

    Ryan Mack: I don’t know. babe… it’s us at a party.

    Kimberly Clemens: Okay, but… is this like friends at a party, or is this like boyfriend-girlfriend at a party?

    Fred Pollack: I think I know.

    Kimberly Clemens: Oh! Sure, sure! I’d love someone to give me an answer!

    Fred Pollack: You look like friends, or, at least, you’re way more into him than he’s into you.

    [ buzz! ]

    Kimberly Clemens: Wrong, Fred! That’s wrong! Joanne, what do you think?

    Joanne Templeton: Gosh, that picture is adorable! You tow make such a cute couple!

    [ ding! ]

    Kimberly Clemens: Joanne is right! And so are my two sisters. A thousand points to Joanne… negative infinity points to Fred.

    Fred Pollack: [ excited ] Alright!

    Kimberly Clemens: Okay, Round 3: Fred and Joanne… what is this? [ a mailbox stuffed with letters appears on the monitor ]

    Joanne Templeton: Uh… a mailbox.

    Fred Pollack: A letter hole!

    [ ding! ]

    Kimberly Clemens: Sure… sure. And, Ryan… [ she holds up her purse and pulls out a panty ] What is this?

    Ryan Mack: [ confused ] Your underwear…?

    Kimberly Clemens: Yes… yes. And deodorant. [ she pulls out deodorant ] I carry them around at all times, because I never know when I’m spending the night.

    Ryan Mack: Hey — I always tell you you can go home after.

    [ siren goes off ]

    Kimberly Clemens: Okay! You all know what that sound means! It’s time for the final round! Joanne, you have the highest score. And, Ryan… I’m not done with you. So follow me! Fred, you can leave.

    [ Joanne and Ryan step forward as Fred exits ]

    Kimberly Clemens: This round is called “What Is That?” Let’s get 30 seconds on the clock — go! [ the clock ticks ] Joanne, what’s that? [ she point to her shirt ]

    Joanne Templeton: Um… my shirt?

    [ ding! ]

    Kimberly Clemens: Ryan… you keep telling me how much fun your brother’s wedding is gonna be, but you haven’t invited me yet. What is that?

    Ryan Mack: [ shrugging ] It’s just my… my whole family will be there.

    [ buzz! ]

    Kimberly Clemens: I see. Joanne, what’s that? [ she points to her shirt again ]

    Joanne Templeton: Uh… i-it’s my shirt again.

    [ ding! ]

    Kimberly Clemens: Ryan, you’ve never let me see you cry, even though I’ve cried in front of you like a million times. What is that?

    Ryan Mack: That’s a good question, Kim. What is that?

    Kimberly Clemens: Pass. [ ding! ] Okay… Joanne, go.

    Joanne Templeton: Uh… my shirt!

    [ ding! ]

    Kimberly Clemens: Ryan?

    Ryan Mack: Okay! Stop asking me the same question over and over! Ask me literally anything else!

    Kimberly Clemens: Okay, Ryan. For ALL the points… What is that?

    Ryan Mack: [ confused ] Joanne’s shirt?

    Kimberly Clemens: Yaaaayyyyy! You win! [ ding! ] Oh! [ she hugs him ] Your prize is a non-transferrable trip for tow to FINALLY go meet your parents!

    Ryan Mack: Wait… that’s not what I…

    Kimberly Clemens: That’s our show! Don’t tune in next week, because I’ll be busy planning our wedding!

    Ryan Mack: [ perturbed ] What…?

    Kimberly Clemens: Come here, you… [ she wraps his arm around her ] Good night!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 37: Episode 21


    This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    Cameos:























    Bit Players:


    May 12th, 2012

    Will Ferrell

    Usher

    None

    Kay Ferrell

    Ana Gasteyer

    Will Forte

    Wally Feresten

    Justin Bieber

    Julian Casablancas

    Justin Timberlake

    Natalie Portman

    Michael Bolton

    Jon Hamm

    Lorne Michaels

    Liam Neeson

    Michael Patrick O’Brien

    Jorma Taccone

    Akiva Schaffer

    Danielle Flora

    Biden’s RoomSummary: After President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) takes credit for his stance on gay marriage, Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) confides in bosom buddy George W. Bush (Will Ferrell).

    Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joe Biden, George W. Bush.

    Transcript

    Montage

    Will Ferrell’s MonologueSummary: Will Ferrell struggles to use his own words instead of a script to tell his Mom, Kay Ferrell, he loves her for Mother’s Day.

    Transcript

    One-A-Day Extra Strength NasafluSummary: Woman (Kristen Wiig) tries to promote her family’s preferred cold medicine as her husband (Will Ferrell) yells loudly while sneezing.

    Transcript

    The CulpsSummary: Music teachers Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbi Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) perform a medley at a gay dance.

    Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbi Mohan-Culp.

    Stay Free Maxi Pads Ladies Long Drive Championship 1994Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis), Greg Stink (Will Forte), and sideline reporter Randy Feather (Will Ferrell) keep the Stay Free Maxi Pad sponsorship coming in lieu of focusing on golf match between Virginia Sacramento (Kristen Wiig) and Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf (Vanessa Bayer).

    Recurring Characters: Pete Twinkle, Greg Stink.

    Transcript

    100th SNL Digital ShortSummary:

    Usher performs “Scream”

    Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: “Really!?!” Get In The Cage.

    Recurring Characters: Nicolas Cage.

    The 2012 Funkytown DebateSummary:

    Broadway SizzleSummary: Public access hosts Darius Modelo (Bill Hader) and Cara Modelo La Bete (Kristen Wiig) observe Broadway hopefuls as they perform songs from musicals currently in production.

    Usher performs “Climax”

    Anniversary ToastSummary: A priest (Jason Sudeikis) is flummoxed by interruptive toasts made by distanr family members during his parents’ (Bill Hader, Kate McKinnon) 25th wedding anniversary.

    Recurring Characters: Gail, Hamilton.

    Almost PizzaSummary: Dad (Bill Hader) questions the mysterious new pizza facsimile that Mom (Kristen Wiig) is trying to convince him to eat.

    Note: Repeat from 11r.

    GoodnightsTranscript

    Dress Rehearsal Cuts

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12: Biden’s Room



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 37: Episode 21














    11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

    Biden’s Room

    President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
    Aide…..Taran Killam
    Joseph Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
    George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

    [ open on exterior, White House, night ] [ dissolve to interior hall outside of Vice-President Joe Biden’s room, a sign that reads “NO PRESIDENTS ALLOWED” taped to the door ]

    President Barack Obama: Vice-President Biden’s still in there?

    Aide: Yes, Mr. President.

    President Barack Obama: [ calling ] Joe! It’s ME — Barack! [ he bangs on the door ] Can I come in?

    Voice of Joe Biden: You mean “President JERK FACE?!”

    President Barack Obama: [ he sighs ] I’m coming in, Joe.

    [ Obama opens the door and enters the room to find Biden sitting on his bed in front of an electric train table set ]

    President Barack Obama: [ sitting ] Joe… you’ve been locked inside your room all day. What’s wrong?

    Joe Biden: What’s wrong?! Are you SERIOUS?! [ he stands ] Do you really not GET IT?!!

    President Barack Obama: Does this have something to do with the whole, uh, gay marriage thing?

    Joe Biden: Uh — DOYYYYYY!! It’s not FAIR, okay?! I was the first one who said it should be legal, but now YOU’RE the one getting all the credit!!

    President Barack Obama: That’s not true.

    Joe Biden: Oh! [ he gasps ] Oh, yeah?! Oh, really?! Then, why are you all dressed up?!

    President Barack Obama: [ relunctant ] I’m going to a gala with Lady Gaga and Elton John.

    Joe Biden: Awwwww!! See?!! That should be ME!! Vice-Presidents never get to go ANYWHERE!! [ he dives belly down onto his single bed ]

    President Barack Obama: Joe, come on! You should be proud of what you did on “Meet The Press”. You’re a… you’re a great vice-president, Joe.

    Joe Biden: [ sitting up ] Oh? Well, some people say I’d make a great president! Alright? Better than YOU, even!

    President Barack Obama: Hey, who says that, Joe?

    Joe Biden: George!

    President Barack Obama: Are we gonna talk about your imaginary friend again, Joe?

    Joe Biden: He’s NOT imaginary!! He’s REAL!!

    President Barack Obama: Joe, uh, we have one more campaign to get through, and I need to know: Can I count on you?

    Joe Biden: [ whispering ] Yes.

    President Barack Obama: I can’t hear you.

    Joe Biden: [ annoyed ] Yeeeessss!! [ he flops backward on his bed ]

    President Barack Obama: Alright. [ he stands and grabs a plate with a half-eaten sandwich on it ] Can I take your plate now?

    Joe Biden: NO!! No! George likes to finish what I don’t eat.

    President Barack Obama: Alright. [ he opens the door ] Well… if you get hungry later, I left $20 on the counter so you can order yourself a pizza.

    Joe Biden: Yeah. Okay. Maybe I WILL!

    [ Obama exits ]

    Joe Biden: Maybe I’ll just keep the twenty. [ calling out ] Okay, he’s gone! You can come out, George!

    [ the closet door opens, and former president George W. Bush. exits with a couple of beers in hand ]

    George W. Bush: Whew! That was close! [ he sits next to Biden on the bed ] That guy’s a real BUZZ KILL!

    Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Yeah!

    George W. Bush: You want an O’Doul’s?

    Joe Biden: [ excited ] Sure! Yeah, yeah! [ he grabs the plate ] Hey — here’s the rest of my sandwich.

    George W. Bush: Mucho! Mucho gracias!

    Joe Biden: Yeah!

    George W. Bush: I heard about that pizza, too — that’s gonna be sweet!

    Joe Biden: Yeah! You know, everyone thinks you’re a FIGMENT of my imagination.

    George W. Bush: Well… for some people, that’s just easier than accepting the TRUTH.

    Joe Biden: Yeah. Yeah. Which is?

    George W. Bush: That on my last day in office, I saw a butterfly and I chased it through the hallways…

    Joe Biden: Yeah?

    George W. Bush: I got lost, and I’ve been stuck here living in your closet for the past three-and-a-half years. BUt let me promise you one thing: I will not REST… until that butterfly is dead!

    Joe Biden: Yeah!

    [ they sip their beers ]

    George W. Bush: Mmm. Now, what’s wrong, compadre? You seem down.

    Joe Biden: Well, everybody says I have, like, a big mouth!

    George W. Bush: Yeah?

    Joe Biden: Well… it’s MY big mouth that got things done this time! Okay? Not his [ mimicking ] “careful weighing of options”!

    George W. Bush: Heck! Those… those smartypants types are never going to understand speak-first guys like us.

    Joe Biden: Exactly!

    George W. Bush: Yeah, you know, they’re all brains.

    Joe Biden: Yeah.

    George W. Bush: You and me? We’re all gut and balls.

    Joe Biden: Yeah!

    George W. Bush: Yeah.

    Joe Biden: Yeah!

    George W. Bush: Every decision I ever made happened between my belly button and the middle of my thighs.

    Joe Biden: Yeah! Yeah, I’m just so SICK of the way presidents are always riding me. I mean, I’m an ADULT!

    George W. Bush: Hey, I’ve been there! I’ve been there! I used to catch grief all the time from President Cheney.

    Joe Biden: Mmm-hmm.

    George W. Bush: I’d be in the Oval Office hooking up the Slurpee machine, settling into a “Charles in Charge” marathon…

    Joe Biden: Yeah! Uh-huh!

    George W. Bush: And then that penguin would come waddling in and yell, “Get your damn pants on, we’re going to bomb blabbity-blah-blah-blah!” I mean, it’s like… whatever happened to being a kid?

    Joe Biden: Exactly! Yeah, politics isn’t fair.

    George W. Bush: No sir. Well… [ breathes deeply ] mission accomplished.

    Joe Biden: What’s that supposed to mean?

    George W. Bush: It’s just something I like to say when a problem isn’t solved… but I don’t want to talk about it any more.

    Joe Biden: Well, thanks for being a pal!

    George W. Bush: Hey! [ they clink beer cans ] You know, I can’t help but to think if you had been my Vice, we would have burned this city to the ground!

    Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Literally, or figuratively?

    George W. Bush: What’s the one where there’s a real fire?

    Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Oh, you crazy son of a gun!

    George W. Bush: [ standing ] Now, uh… now, let’s fidn that butterfly and bring it to justice. Where do you keep your shotgun?

    Joe Biden: Well, I don’t have a shotgun.

    George W. Bush: Well, what kind of Vice-President are you?

    [ they crack up laughing ]

    Joe Biden: Dick!

    George W. Bush: Come on, let’s go.

    Joe Biden: Okay. Wait, wait, hey — aren’t you forgetting something?

    George W. Bush: Oh, right. I’m so rusty, I almost forgot. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12: Stay Free Maxi Pads Ladies Long Drive Championship 1994



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 37: Episode 21












    11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

    Stay Free Maxi Pads Ladies Long Drive Championship 1994

    Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
    Greg Stink…..Will Forte
    Virginia Sacramento…..Kristen Wiig
    Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf…..Vanessa Bayer
    Assistant…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
    Randy Feather…..Will Ferrell
    Make-up Artist…..Abby Elliott

    Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic!

    Pete Twinkle V/O: Well, if you like heavy-hitting lady golf action, you can pop the batteries right out of that remote! Welcome to the Ladies Long Drive Championship… sponsored by Stay Free Maxi Pads! And today we’ve got some powerhouse hitters, featuring fan favorite Virginia Sacramento! And the Swiss sensation Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf!

    [ dissolve to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the desk ]

    Pete Twinkle: Good afternoon! It is 12:09 in the P.M. on June 17th, 1994! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and man, oh, man, does this guy love to grow his own vegetables! It’s Greg Stink!

    Greg Stink: Thanks, best friend!

    Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Alright, now, Greg, it looks to me like you haven’t shaved in a while.

    Greg Stink: Yeah, I’ve been going through some stuff lately…

    Pete Twinkle: Ohhhhhh, I’m sorry to hear that, buddy. What kind of stuff you going through?

    Greg Stink: Oh, you know, just some old boxes.

    Pete Twinkle: Hmm?

    Greg Stink: Doing some Spring cleaning — haven’t had a chance to shave!

    Pete Twinkle: Oh, okay, good! I thought you were gonna say that your wife had left you.

    Greg Stink: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah — she did!

    Pete Twinkle: Oh! Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that, buddy! [ Greg laughs ] Okay! Yeah, alright. Hey! A quick shout-out to our sponsor: Stay Free Maxi Pads! When you have your monthly boo-boo, pull one of these near your hoo-hoo! Stay Free Maxi Pads! Alright, why don’t we meet our first competitor? It’s two-time champion — Virginia Sacramento![ cut to Virginia lying on the green lining up her tee ]

    Pete Twinkle: Now, it looks like she’s deciding where to put that tee. huh? Okay, now, Greg, I gotta ask you: How important is the placement?

    Greg Stink: Oh, it’s very important…

    Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm?

    Greg Stink: I mean, she’s gonna want to stick that pad right on the inside of her underpanties…

    Pete Twinkle: Okay…

    Greg Stink: She’ll line it up in her privates, and then she can just, you know… let ‘er rip!

    Pete Twinkle: Oh, no, no, no, Greg! I’m sorry! No, I’m sorry about that, that’s my fault! I’m not talking about the placement of a fine product like Stay Free Maxi Pads — we’re talking about the placement of BALLS!

    Greg Stink: Oh! Well, I’ve NEVER wanted to second-guess The Lord!

    Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm?

    Greg Stink: I think he placed the balls RIGHT where they’re SUPPOSED to be!

    Pete Twinkle: Okay!

    Greg Stink: And that’s good enough for me!

    Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Ah, you know what? Me, too! Hey, you know what’s good enough for everyone? Stay Free Maxi Pads! It’s the downstairs hatch, for your baby hatch! Stay Free Maxi Pads! [ a note is handed to him ] Oh! Alright, we’re getting soem breaking news. Once again — it’s 1994! Uh — I’m hearing that O.J. Simpson is currently being chased by the LAPD down the 405 Freeway. We go to a shot now… [ cut to chase footage ] And you can se that’s his Bronco — that shot is live — he is reportedly heading to his home in Brentwood. Okay — well, we have L.A. correspondent Randy Feather covering the action. We go now to O.J. Simpson’s house — live!

    [ cut to Randy Feather standing casually outside of O.J. Simpson’s house in Brentwood with his assistant ]

    Randy Feather: Hey, everybody… I’m sorry I’m late. How long before we’re on the air? [ the assistant shrugs ] Really? Okay. I could use a little time to sober up. [ he sips from a flask ]

    Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay, well, it doesn’t look like Randy’s quite ready yet. We’ll check back with him a minute. Let’s get back to the action, though. Let’s see… Sacramento is ready to swing! Here she goes! [ Virginia Sacramento makes a wild swing ] Oh, boy! And she CRUSHED it! Whoo! Look at that! She is happy! She is loving that! Look at that! Oh, man! Whoo! Look at her go! Greg, I gotta ask you: Have you EVER seen a woman hit ANYTHING that hard?

    Greg Stink: Ohhhh, yeah!

    Pete Twinkle: Yeah? Well… do you remember who?

    Greg Stink: Nooo!

    Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay. Alright, that’s okay. Oh, oh, oh! I’m being told that we’re going back to Randy Feather! Randy, what have you got for us?

    [ cut to Randy Feather being prepped by his make-up artist ]

    Randy Feather: [ on his large cellphone ] I’ll tell you exactly how big!

    Pete Twinkle: Randy?

    Randy Feather: Four inches.

    Pete Twinkle: Randy? Can you hear me?

    Randy Feather: Oh, round? Oh, I’d probably say… like a McDonald’s straw.

    Pete Twinkle: Randy!

    Randy Feather: What’s that? Oh, it’s a FOREST out there! [ he laughs ]

    Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay, so, uh — so Randy’s still not ready.

    Greg Stink: RANDYYYYY!!

    Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] No, no, no! It’s alright! We’re alright! Hey, you know what’s always ready, though? Stay Free Maxi Pads! I see London, I see China… I see one very happy vagina! Stay Free Maxi Pads! Well, it looks like Kukendorf is warming up! [ show Kukendorf with her golf club behind her back ] Now, Greg… you can tell she’s got that lower body injury, she’s clearly not at 100%. You know, how is that going to affect her today?

    Greg Stink: Well, it all depends on how much under 100% she is.

    Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm.

    Greg Stink: Is she 99%?

    Pete Twinkle: Okay.

    Greg Stink: 98%?

    Pete Twinkle: Right.

    Greg Stink: 97%?

    Pete Twinkle: Right.

    Greg Stink: 98%?

    Pete Twinkle: Whoa, wait — you went back up there, buddy.

    Greg Stink: 96%?

    Pete Twinkle: There you go! Alright, just hold that thought there for me, will you?

    Greg Stink: Okay. [ he holds his hand up to his head ]

    Pete Twinkle: Okay, we got, uh — [ staring at Greg ] Oh, man. Okay, now, it looks like we’re going back to Randy Feather in front of O.J. Simpson’s house. It’s 1994! Randy?

    [ cut to Randy Feather still having make-up applied ]

    Randy Feather: You know, I used to be a stripper. I know! I know! With this body? I used to be WAY fatter back then. Like a hundred pounds fatter.

    Pete Twinkle: Hey, Randy, can you hear me?

    Randy Feather: But it was too much stress on my back, so… I lost weight and got a butt reduction. And then I went into broadcasting. Can I just kiss one of your eyes?

    [ she shakes her head No ]

    Pete Twinkle: Okay! Okay, sorry about that, folks! I don’t — I-I don’t know what’s going on!

    Greg Stink: Well, he can’t hear us!

    Pete Twinkle: Okay, thank you! Thank you, Greg! [ laughing ] Greg Stink! There’s not a FINER person! And, hey — there’s not a FINER product than Stay Free MAxi Pads! When your uterine lining, looks like the elevator from “The Shining”! [ extended hold ] Stay Free Maxi Pads! Alright, back to the action! Kukendorf is at the tee! Here we go! Let’s see what happens! [ she taps the ball lightly but sends it flying ] Oh, look at that! No back swing necessary, she CRUSHED it! Okay, look at that! Holy smokes! Alright, okay — I’m a little worried to do this, but we’re going back to Radndy. Randy?

    [ cut to Randy Feathers, alone ]

    Randy Feather: Yes, Pete?

    Pete Twinkle: Okay, great! We got him! Good! Okay, great! Okay, Randy, can you tell us what you know?

    Randy Feather: Well, Pete… at this point, not much. Except the Juice is loose!

    Pete Twinkle: Hey! Speaking of LOOSE JUICE — Stay Free Maxi Pads! We’ll be right back!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12: Goodnights



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 37: Episode 21




    11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

    Goodnights

    …..Will Ferrell
    ….Usher

    Will Ferrell: Thanks to… my mom… To Usher…

    Usher: Hey, Mom! Hapy Mother’s Day!

    Will Ferrell: Will Forte. Ana Gasteyer. Liam Neeson…

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12: Will Ferrell’s Monologue



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 37: Episode 21








    11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

    Will Ferrell’s Monologue

    …..Will Ferrell
    …..Kay Ferrell
    …..Wally Feresten

    Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Will Ferrell!

    Will Ferrell: Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I don;t know what you said, but I hope it’s positive! Thank you, it’s so exciting to be BACK HOME at “SNL” in New York City! New York City! The city by the bay! It’s especially exciting because, in about 23 minutes here, it will be Mother’s Day, and, uh… and I know what I’m about to say might stir up some controversy, but here goes: I love my mom! There. There you go, TMZ. That one’s for you. And — guess what? My mom is actually HERE with me tonight. Uh — Mom?

    [ he steps down to pull her up on stage from the front row, as the audience cheers wildly ]

    My mom! Now… I’m not so great with words. Um… a lot of other people write what I say. And, Mom…I don’t know if you remember last Thanksgiving, when I gave that dramatic speech about Cousin Paul… and you said it saved the family and brought us all together? That was scripted. There was literally a team of writers in the kitchen, feeding me lines through an earpiece… and I feel horribly about it. Uh… so, tonight, for the first time, I’m going to speak straight from my heart. Okay? Okay? No script, no cue cards. Just… just love for my mom. So… Wally, lower the cards.

    [ reveal Wally the cue card guy, holding a cue card that reads: “Wally, lower the cue cards!” ]

    Will Ferrell: Go ahead. [ Wally doesn’t move ] Yes! Lower them! No! Wait… this is damn scary… Yeah! Lower the cards. Yeah. Lower the cards. It’s fine. Yeah.

    [ wally finally lower the cue cards ]

    Will Ferrell: [ sighing ] Tonight… I tell my mother that I love her… with my own words.

    [ piano music comes up, as the lights go down ]

    Mom… the words I am saying now are my words… from my brain place.. to my mouth hole. Mom, I have love. I love… I love the way that you be. You be a big ol’ mommy. No, wait — hold on. You went to a hospital building, right? A long time ago… and strange men pulled me out of your lady parts. Wait! That’s bad! That’s bad. God! Why is this so hard? Is it the piano? It’s the piano, isn’t it? The piano player is awful! I’m sorry about that, Mom. He’s terrible! You know what? I’m just gonna… I’m just gonna think about all the things… you did for me… Mom person. You made milk for me… like the lady from the cover of the Time magazine. Mom… what I’m trying to say is that I want to celebrate you. There! THat’s what I’m trying to say. I want to cover you… in Super Glue… and roll you in flowers? That’s not bad. Right? Okay, I got it! This is perfect! If you were attacked by a dozen ninjas, wearing… crotchless panties… I would fight them. I would fight them hard. There! I did it! The perfect Mother’s Day speech! It’s perfect! [ the audience cheers ] That was not easy. It was not easy. But I want to say one last thing, Mom: I love you so much, Happpy Mother’s Day.

    [ he kisses her ]

    Will Ferrell: We have a great show! Usher is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12: One-A-Day Extra Strength Nasaflu



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 37: Episode 21












    11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

    One-A-Day Extra Strength Nasaflu

    Wife…..Kristen Wiig
    Gary…..Will Ferrell

    [ open on married couple sitting in bed; she is blowing her nose ]

    Wife: My husband and I have been feeling a little under the weather. Por Gary has been sneezing all day. [ Gary nods ] But with four kids, a good night’s sleep is essential. That’s why we need a cold medicine that —

    [ Gary breaks into a sneeze that erupts as a yell ]

    Wife: [ startled ] That’s why we need a cold medicine that works… and works fast! Many leading —

    [ Gary again breaks into a sneeze that erupts as a yell ] [ she catches her breath once more ] [ cut to exterior hallway, as she starts over with Gary still in bed ]

    Wife: As I was saying… With our busy lives, we can’t wait 48 hours for symptom relief —

    [ as she walks down the hall, Gary appears in an alcove and yell-sneezes once again ]

    Wife: GARY!! That sneeze is OUTRAGEOUS!!

    [ cut to Gary’s wife locking herself in the bathroom ]

    Wife: That’s why our family always chooses the brand —

    [ from the other side of the door, Gary yell-sneezes again ] [ she thrusts the door open to reveal Gary standing there ]

    Wife: You sound like a LUNATIC!! You’re just SCREAMING! It is UNREAL! Just sneeze like a NORMAL person!

    [ she turns around, as Gary yell-sneezes again ]

    Wife: FUCK!! Gary!! [ she turns to the camera and smiles ] We always choose the brand that has been relied on —

    [ Gary yells-sneezes again, then four times more ]

    Wife: [ continuing ] for years —

    [ Gary yell-sneezes yet again ] [ she turns around and bitch-slaps Gary several times ] [ cut to Gary lying in bed, as his wife pours Nasaflu into a glass of water ]

    Wife: So try new One-A-Day Extra Strength Nasaflu. And don’t get slowed down by a little sickness.

    [ she drinks the medicine, but drops it all over herself when Gary yell-sneezes once more ] [ cut to product close-up ]

    Announcer: Nasaflu. For when you just —

    [ the sound of Gary yell-sneezes erupts yet again, as the product flies off the nightstand ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts