[ open on married couple sitting in bed; she is blowing her nose ]
Wife: My husband and I have been feeling a little under the weather. Por Gary has been sneezing all day. [ Gary nods ] But with four kids, a good night’s sleep is essential. That’s why we need a cold medicine that —
[ Gary breaks into a sneeze that erupts as a yell ]
Wife: [ startled ] That’s why we need a cold medicine that works… and works fast! Many leading —
[ Gary again breaks into a sneeze that erupts as a yell ] [ she catches her breath once more ] [ cut to exterior hallway, as she starts over with Gary still in bed ]
Wife: As I was saying… With our busy lives, we can’t wait 48 hours for symptom relief —
[ as she walks down the hall, Gary appears in an alcove and yell-sneezes once again ]
Wife: GARY!! That sneeze is OUTRAGEOUS!!
[ cut to Gary’s wife locking herself in the bathroom ]
Wife: That’s why our family always chooses the brand —
[ from the other side of the door, Gary yell-sneezes again ] [ she thrusts the door open to reveal Gary standing there ]
Wife: You sound like a LUNATIC!! You’re just SCREAMING! It is UNREAL! Just sneeze like a NORMAL person!
[ she turns around, as Gary yell-sneezes again ]
Wife: FUCK!! Gary!! [ she turns to the camera and smiles ] We always choose the brand that has been relied on —
[ Gary yells-sneezes again, then four times more ]
Wife: [ continuing ] for years —
[ Gary yell-sneezes yet again ] [ she turns around and bitch-slaps Gary several times ] [ cut to Gary lying in bed, as his wife pours Nasaflu into a glass of water ]
Wife: So try new One-A-Day Extra Strength Nasaflu. And don’t get slowed down by a little sickness.
[ she drinks the medicine, but drops it all over herself when Gary yell-sneezes once more ] [ cut to product close-up ]
Announcer: Nasaflu. For when you just —
[ the sound of Gary yell-sneezes erupts yet again, as the product flies off the nightstand ] [ fade ]
None The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary:Lawrence Welk (Fred Armisen) welcomes the Spring season with a performance by Johnny Prosciutto (Jon Hamm), musical sisters Shirley (Abby Elliott), Nancy (Nasim Pedrad), Toni (Vanessa Bayer) and tiny-handed Dooneese (Kristen Wiig).
Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Dooneese, Shirley, Nancy, Toni.
Mick Jagger’s MonologueSummary: Mick Jagger recites the frequently asked questions he receives from fans, and then provides the answer.
Politics NationSummary: Gaffe-prone Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) attempts to discuss Wall Street’s effect on the economy by discussing jobs with J.P. Morgan spokesman Colin McKechnie (Mick Jagger), Mayor Mike Bloomberg (Fred Armisen) and a cannery worker (Jason Sudeikis).
Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton, Mike Bloomberg.
Note: This sketch was cut from the Dress Rehearsal of last week’s episode hosted by Will Ferrell.
Mick Jagger with Arcade Fire performs “The Last Time”Lyrics
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: City corresponent Stefon (Bill Hader) lists more inappropriate travel destinations for families planning to visit New York City over the summer.
Recurring Characters: Stefon.
So You Think You Can Dance At An Outdoor Music FestivalSummary: Dave Matthews (Bill Hader) hosts a competition to see who can perform the best dance moves while at an outdoor music festival.
Recurring Characters: Dave Matthews, Carlos Santana, Jewel, Steven Tyler.
Mick Jagger with Foo Fighters performs “19th Nervous Breakdown” and “It’s Only Rock ‘n Roll”Lyrics
The CaliforniansSummary: Stuart (Fred Armisen) and his Californian clan continue to speak in overexaggerated valley accents and provide driving directions within every conservation, as hidden family secrets are revealed.
Mick Jagger: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! THank you! It’s wonderful — it’s wonderful — it’s so wonderful to be here! Hosting “Saturday Night Live”! And you’re about to see me do what I do best — stand still and talk. You know, for a long time I’ve been Mick Jagger. You know? And because of that, I’ve met people from all over the world. And they always ask me the same questions. So tonight, I figured I would use the Monologue to answer all those Mick Jagger Frequently Asked Questions. So let’s begin!
The first one is, I’m always asked: “Hey, Mick… who’s your FAVORITE Rolling Stone?” Well… [ he shrugs and smiles ] I mean, that depends. If I’m allowed to pick myself, then I’d say the favorite is obviously… ME! [ the audience cheers ] But, you know, if I’m not allowed to pick myself, then I’d have to say: ] coyly ] “I don’t believe in playing favorites!”
The next question journalists always ask me, is: “Mick… who’s your favorite new group today?” Well… obviously, I LOVE the Foo Fighters. [ the audience cheers wildly ] And… and I love Arcade Fire. [ the audience cheers wildly ] But you know who really gets me excited these days? It’s the FreeCreditReport.com band. They’re my current favorites, anyway.
I’ve also been asked this question before: “Hey, Mick — When you’re onstage at a concert, you ask the crowd… you always ask the crowd: ‘How you doing tonight?’ And the audience would cheer, and then you’ll say: ‘I can’t hear you!'” And they say, “Is that true? Can you not hear us?” Well… I can hear you. It’s just that I’m not listening.
The next question is: “Mick…” You know, I get this one a lot. They say, “Mick, have you finally got Satisfaction?” Yeah. Bravo, it’s very clever. It’s a trick question, though. ‘Cause if I said “No”, then you’d be, like: “What’s your problem, man? I mean, exactly what more do you need?” And if I say “YES!”, then I can’t sing the song any more.
Anyway, people always ask this one: “Mick, do you have any regrets?” Do you want to hear something? A few years ago, I was approached by a newly-created restaurant chain called Ruby Tuesday’s. They aksed me if I would come along to their grand opening and sing the song “Ruby Tuesday” for a thousand dollars and a lifetime supply of their Jalapeno Poppers. I passed up on that offer! And, you know, not a day goes by that I DON’T REGRET THAT!! [ the audience laughs and cheers wildly ] Thank you! Other than that, though, no regrets at all.
So, are you ready for a great show?! [ the audience cheers wildly ] I CAN’T HEAR YOU!! [ the audience cheers more wildly ] That’s okay! WE’ve got a GREAT show for you tonight! I’m, uh… [ he squints at the cue cards ] Mick Jagger… and… don’t you DARE change the channel!
Mick Jagger with Foo Fighters performs “19th Nervous Breakdown” and “It’s Only Rock ‘n Roll”
…..Mick Jagger …..Foo Fighters
Jason Sudeikis: Ladies and gentlemen — Mick Jagger and Foo Fighters.
Mick Jagger: [ singing ]“You’re the kind of person you meet at certain dismal, dull affairs Center of a crowd, talking much too loud, running up and down the stairs Well, it seems to me that you have seen too much in too few years And though you’ve tried, you just can’t hide, your eyes are edged with tears.
You better stop, look around Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes!Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown!
When you were a child, you were treated kind, but you were never brought up right And you were always spoiled with a thousand toys, but still you cried all night Your mother who neglected you owes a million dollars tax And your father’s still perfecting ways of making sealant wax.
You better stop, look around Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes! Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown! Ohhhh, who’s to blame? That girl’s just insane Well, nothing I do don’t seem to work It only seems to make the matters worse! Oh, plea-ea-ea-ease!”
“If I could dig down deep in my heart Feelings would flood on the page Would it satisfy ya? Would it slide on by ya? Would it help to ease your pain? Ease your pain?
If I could win ya, if I could sing ya A love song so divine Would it be enough for your cheating heart If I broke down and cried? Would I cry? And I said I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it! I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do! Oh, well, I like it… I like it… I like it.
I said can’t you see that this old boy has been lonely? And if I could stick that knife in my heart Suicide right on the stage Would it help to ease your pain? Ease your pain? I said I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it! I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do! Oh, I like it… I like it… I like it.Yeah!
And do ya think that you’re the only girl around? I bet you think that you’re the only woman in town.
[ instrument break ]
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it! I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do! Oh, I like it… I like it… I like it… I like it.”
Dave Grohl & Mick Jagger: [ singing ]“I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it! I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it! I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it! I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it! I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it! I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it! I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it! I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it! I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!”
Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan Rupert Murdoch…..Fred Armisen
[ opening graphics ]
Announcer: You’re watching “Fox and Friends.”
[ dissolve to the morning show hosts on-set ]
Steve Doocy: Thank you! Welcome back to the third hour of “Fox and Friends.” I’m Steve Doocy, and, joining me as always — Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade!
Gretchen Carlson: Oh, good morning! [ she laughs ]
Brian Kilmeade: Happy Monday!
Steve Doocy: Did everybody have a good weekend?
Gretchen Carlson: GREAT weekend!
Brian Kilmeade: I finally took the tree down!
Steve Doocy: Oh, great! You know, THAT’S how you fight the liberal war on Christmas — you keep the tree up til May!
Gretchen Carlson: You know, I heard the White House doesn’t even call it a Christmas tree — they call it a “Holiday” tree.
Brian Kilmeade: Oh, man! I had to throw mine out because a raccoon had babies in it!
Steve Doocy: Miracle of life! Well, this week was the one-year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden. And shame on President Barack Obama, who is running a campaign ad that argues Mit Romney would not have made the same decision to launch the raid?
Gretchen Carlson: It’s ridiculous! ANYONE would have launched that raid!
Steve Doocy: Absolutely! I mean, name ONE person who wouldn’t have launched that raid!
Brian Kilmeade: I can name one person who wouldnt have launched that raid: Barack Obama!
Steve Doocy: No… Brian…
Gretchen Carlson: No, that doesnt work this time.
Brian Kilmeade: But it always works!
Steve Doocy: Not this time — he already did it. Yeah, no… yep, yep!
Gretchen Carlson: Uh, also — I’m just gonna say something…
Steve Doocy: Uh-oh! Look out! Here she goes!
Gretchen Carlson: How do we know bin Laden is really dead?
Brian Kilmeade: Whoa, there it is!
Gretchen Carlson: I’m serious! Okay? So they say they have pictures. Okay? Well, you can do a lot with Photoshop!
Steve Doocy: Hmm…
Gretchen Carlson: Okay? You can make it look like glaciers are melting.
Steve Doocy: Oh, wow!
Gretchen Carlson: Okay? I once saw a picture of a mountain with four presidents faces on it. OKay? That’s not real!
Steve Doocy: I saw that! Thats not real! That’s not real!
Brian Kilmeade: And, sometimes, people who you think are dead, aren’t dead. I mean, I thought Tupac Shakur was dead, and then I saw he did a concert, why, just last week.
Steve Doocy: No… no… that was a hologram, Brian.
Brian Kilmeade: Uh, but if Tupac was a hologram, the bullet would have gone right through him.
Gretchen Carlson: Hmm… Well, I, for one, hope that Hologram Tupac doesn’t turn to a life of crime.
Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. Sure.
Gretchen Carlson: Because he would be impossible to catch. Alright? [ demonstrating ] I got him! Oh, no — he’s gone!”
Steve Doocy: THat’s a good point. That’s a really good point.
Brian Kilmeade: I don’t know, maybe call the Ghostbusters?
Steve Doocy: Yeah. Alright, moving on… the White House Correspondents Dinner was last week, and there was the President telling jokes again!
Steve Doocy: I mean, I guess the President thinks what’s happening to this country is funny?
Brian Kilmeade: Yeah! Ive got a joke for him: What is black and white and lies?
Steve Doocy: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Brian Kilmeade: What?! What’d I do? What? What’s the problem?
Steve Doocy: Brian, do NOT say Barack Obama!
Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I was going to say a panda on Weight Watchers. I mean, black and white and lies: “This bamboo is only six points.” [ he laughs ]
Gretchen Carlson: Well, why were you going to say that?
Brian Kilmeade: I mean, we were just talking about jokes, it popped into my head.. its just so funny!
Steve Doocy: Hmm. Well, one person who’s not laughing this week is Rupert Murdoch, who’s under investigation by British authorities for hacking phones.
Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, so he taped some phone calls. So what?!
Brian Kilmeade: If people didn’t tape phone calls, we never would have had the Jerky Boys!
Steve Doocy: Great point! Great point! Joining us now, live via satellite in London — Rupert Murdoch! Good morning, Rupert!
Rupert Murdoch: [ smiling like a weasel ] Hello, my children!
Brian Kilmeade: Now… you’re in London, correct?
Rupert Murdoch: Correct!
Brian Kilmeade: Now… is it true it’s five hours later there?
Rupert Murdoch: Yes!
Brian Kilmeade: So… you could watch the Yankee game, and then tell us who won before anyone else here knew?
Rupert Murdoch: What?
Steve Doocy: Oh, Brian… please.
Brian Kilmeade: I don’t understand. I bet that’s how he made his fortune, betting on sports!
Steve Doocy: No, no… Alright, now we should disclose that Rupert Murdoch owns Fox News.
Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, and I’d like to disclose that I think Rupert Murdoch is great!
Rupert Murdoch: Thank you.
Steve Doocy: Yeah, and you know, so do I. Why does disclosing have to be so negative?
Gretchen Carlson: Yeah! Right!
Brian Kilmeade: And I should disclose that I don’t quite know what “disclose” means.
Rupert Murdoch: What in the hell is going ON over there?!
Gretchen Carlson: Guys, we’re being rude to our guest. Now, Rupert — what is this parliamentary committee so mad about?
Rupert Murdoch: Oh, they accused me of having a lack of ETHICS!
Steve Doocy: Ooooookay! Here we go again! Affirmative action rears its ugly head again!
Gretchen Carlson: You should only hire an ethnic if you want to hire an ethnic!
Steve Doocy: Absolutely! Absolutely!
Rupert Murdoch: Not “lack of ethnics“! “Lack of ETHICS”! Youre the dumbest people Ive ever met, and Im from Australia!
Steve Doocy: Oh! Australia, huh? “G’day, mate!” [ he laughs ]
Gretchen Carlson: “Top of the morning!” [ she laughs ]
Brian Kilmeade: “Hakuna matata!” [ he laugh and tips an invisible hat ]
Steve Doocy: So what’s next for Rupert Murdoch?
Rupert Murdoch: I’ve made some mistakes, but I’m not gonna let this stop me! I’m gonna continue on with my great Socialist experiment of seeing how misinformed a person can be while hosting a morning news program! [ he laughs ]
Steve Doocy: Oh!
Gretchen Carlson: Well, good luck with that!
Steve Doocy: Yeah, keep us updated!
Brian Kilmeade: [ laughing nervously ] “A panda at Weight Watchers!” [ he laughs ] “Oh, bamboo is only six points — I swear!”
Gretchen Carlson: We’ll take a quick break, but first — our fact checkers have looked over the first two hours of the show, and we have a few corrections!
“There are currently no bills before the House that would require women to have a transvaginal ultrasound before buying sunglasses.
The Taliban is not producing cereal called “Honey Bunches of Goats.”
Kirk Cameron is not the voice of Siri.
Miss America is not third in the order of succession for the Presidency, nor is Miss Teen USA fourth.
Airplanes do not fly by flapping their wings.
Patricia Heaton did not win a Nobel Prize for her work on “Everybody Loves Raymond.”
Hail consists of frozen water; it is not “made of sins.”
President Barack Obama does not plan to take the “forwarding” option away from email.
Disney World is not planning to add Rush Limbaugh to their Hall of Presidents.
Nowhere in the Bible does it mention Garth Brooks or Chris Gaines.
Turtles do not have “tiny TVs and sofa beds” inside their shells.
Pete Rose did not receive a lifetime ban from the Hallmark Hall of Fame.
“National Treasure” is a not a documentary even though it feels very real.
Wisconsin is an American state and not “just a bit.”
Mormons breathe air.
Horses do not have “teeth so sharp you wouldn’t believe it.”
Children raised by same-sex couples are not statistically more likely to let the American flag touch the ground.
“Psych” is a popular detective show on the USA Network, not a super-secret NASA Mind Experiment.
It takes more than five to six months of medical school to become a surgeon.
Sour Patch Kids are a snack food and therefore physically incapable of pulling a knife on someone.
Congress has not declared a “War on Jean Shorts.”
It is unlikely that Fareed Zakaria is Willem Defoe in character.
Babies tend to like hugs.
It is not illegal to discard a Christmas tree.
John Wilkes Booth was not wearing a hooded sweatshirt when he shot President Lincoln, nor were the Lincolns attending a staging of “The Vagina Monologues.”
There is no federal program called “Cash for Bees.”
You do not need a spaceship to get to China.
The Watergate is a hotel in Washington D.C., not a portal to an undersea kingdom.
Yellow and blue make green, not “blellow.”
The new World Trade Center does not transform into a karate robot.
Seeing-eye dogs are neither able to nor allowed to drive.
It is likely that immigrants do not feed on the blood of our cattle at night while we are all sleeping.
Baseball is a land sport.
It is widely accepted that ears are used for hearing.” ]
Mick Jagger: My roots are in Blues music. I love the Blues because, in any era, the Blues talk about what’s on people’s minds. So here’s some Blues that I wrote about the presidential election. And here’s a man who can really play the Blues like nobody else — Jeff! Beck!
[ dissolve to Jeff Beck wailing on his electric guitar, as Jagger comes forward and playfull hogs the stage ]
Mick Jagger: [ singing ]“If you want to sleep in the West Wing Yeah, you got to strategize a bit. Yeah, you want to sleep in the West Wing You want to keep that private bowling alley You got to strategize a bit. Yeah, you’re gonna have to raise about a hundred million dollars Or you’re gonna end up so deep down in the shit!
Yeah! Mr. Romney, you know, he’s a mensch But he always plays it straight up there. Yeah! Mr. Romney, he’s a hard workin’ man! And he always says his prayers. Yeah, but there’s one little thing about him Don’t ever let him cut your hair!”
[ instrument break ]
Mick Jagger: [ singing ]“Who’ll be the president come November? Well, it’s anybody’s guess. That’s right! Who’ll be sitting in the Oval Office? Who can say? I must confess.I betcha, betcha six months, he’ll be screaming “Won’t you let me outta this mess?!”
Eli Manning: Thanks to Rihanna, Sacha Baron Cohen and Martin Scorcese. Thanks to Lorne Michaels, and everybody for coming out. It was such a great show. The cast, they were unbelievable. THank you all so much for coming out, it’s so awesome!