SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: The Comments Section

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 2

11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum

The Comments Section

Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis
Matthew Knox…..Bobby Moynihan
Mrs. Heffernan…..Nasim Pedrad
Carl Durbin…..Taran Killam
Jennifer Evans…..Melissa McCarthy

[ open on talk show set ]

Jeff: Hello. And welcome to “The Comments Section”, the show that takes a closer look at what people write below articles and videos on the Internet. Today we welcome some of the most prolific commenters on the Web. They’ve been posting anonymously for years, but today we get to see the people behind the comments. Our first guest is Matthew Knox, better known by his Internet handle “XXXDeathbyFartsXXX”.

Matthew Knox: [ blowing fart sound with his mouth ] Great to be here?

Jeff: [ chuckling ] There’s that snark! Now, uh, some of your comments may be construed as a bit negative. For example: Under a clip of a ten-year old girl singing “The Star Spangled Banner”, you wrote: “Epic fail haha you loser u r fat”.

Matthew Knox: [ he laughs reflectively ] Yeah!

Jeff: And, also, under a video of a horse rescuing its owner from a fire, you wrote: “Mad gay yo”. What was gay about that?

Matthew Knox: [ shifting his eyes ] Uh, I don’t know — the horse? [ he laughs ]

Jeff: Okay. Then, last night, you went after this elderly woman. We have a clip.

[ reveal clip of elderly woman dancing ]

Jeff: Now, she was dancing at her grandson’s birthday party, and you wrote: “Dumb ass old lady! Haha, her hat fell off. Kill yourself”.

Matthew Knox: Hey — I just calls ’em like I sees ’em!

Jeff: mmm-hmm. That, and there’s no consequences because you’ll never meet any of these people.

Matthew Knox: [ he nods ] Exactly! [ he laughs ]

Jeff: Well, we’ve got that old lady here with us today.

Matthew Knox: [ surprised ] What?

Jeff: Yeah.

Matthew Knox: No!

Jeff: Yeah, yeah, yeah we do. Uh, Mrs. Heffernan? You want to come out here and shame him? Here’s Mr.s Heffernan.

Mrs. Heffernan: [ entering ] Thanks, Jeff.

Jeff: You’re welcome.

Mrs. Heffernan: [ leaning over Matthew ] So you think I’m a dumbass?

Matthew Knox: No… No, no — you’re totally nice!

Mrs. Heffernan: You think my teeth are bad, that I should kill myself?

Matthew Knox: No… no, you should keep living.

Mrs. Heffernan: Yeah. Here’s my comment: I think you’re ROTTEN! [ she ambles away ]

Jeff: [ giggling to himself ] Our next guest is Carl Durbin, or as he’s known online: “Ultimatestud2Good2Btru”

Carl Durbin: [ nervous ] Actually… can I leave?

Jeff: Mmm… no. No, stay put. Now, Carl, sometimes you comment on other people’s comments, right?

Carl Durbin: Yeah, that’s right. Sometimes I don’t even look at the source material… I just wait for someone to make a sincere point, and then I’ll write something like, “Learn to spell, dweeb!” Or “YOU SUCK BIG ONES!” in all caps!

Jeff: Hmm-hmm. Right. But most of the time you just write the word “Boobz.”

Carl Durbin: [ laughing ] Yeah! That’s my thing!

Jeff: Mmm-hmm. Actually, we have a list of things you wrote “Boobz” under. We have a photo of Margaret Thatcher… a woman interviewing another woman about a robbery… and we have a song by Miss Piggy.

[ Carl cannot stop laughing at his efforts ]

Jeff: So, now, how do you decide how many O’s to put in “Boobz”?

Carl Durbin: It — it’s the size.

Jeff: Mmm-hmm. The size? It’s the size?

Carl Durbin: Of the boobz.

Jeff: No, I get that… I get that. And, uh, what does your girlfriend this about all this?

Carl Durbin: [ stunned ] Oh, I don’t have a girlfriend.

Jeff: Yeah, I know. I was kidding! [ he laughs ] Our final guest is Jennifer Evans, AKA DaTruf! [ mocking ] DaTruf. Now, Jennifer, your comments focus mostly on promoting your political agenda, correct? Uh, for example, under a video of a bear falling out of a tree onto a trampoilne, you wrote: “Obama is our first Nigerian President!”

Jennifer Evans: Yeah! I did. Yeah.

Jeff: And under a clip of a bride tripping and falling into her own wedding cake, you wrote: “No more illegals. Illegals SUUUUUCK”!

Jennifer Evans: [ annoyed ] Yeah, Jeff, that’s what I said!

Jeff: Alright, let’s see… Under a video tribute to the late Gene Siskel, you wrote: “9/11 is inside job”.

Jennifer Evans: Yeah. Yeah. I sure did.

Jeff: Yeah. What exactly are your political views?

Jennifer Evans: Uh — they’re correct! Uh, or I wouldn’t have said them! But they were correct! God!

Jeff: Alright, but why put them all over the Internet?

Jennifer Evans: Well, I’m a lawyer by day, but I feel very constricted at work. The Comments section is a nice outlet for my emotions.

Jeff: Mmm-hmm. Okay, I see. And are you really a lawyer?

Jennifer Evans: No, I am not.

Jeff: No, I knew! So, at this point in the show, gang, we’re just gonna have someone come out here and punch all of you in the gut. Is that okay?

[ they all nod ]

Carl Durbin: [ standing ] Yeah, I don’t like myself…

[ Tommy rushes out ]

Tommy: Yeah, alright! how you doing? I’m Tommy! Hey, hey! [ he punches Matthew in the gut ] Hey, how you doing? Tommy! [ he punches Carl in the gut ] Hey, how you doing? Whoa, hey, I can’t hit a woman. Um…

Jeff: Well… she called Garfield the N-word.

Tommy: Hey, alright! [ he punches Jennifer in the gut ] BOOM!! [ he elbows her in the back ] Whoa! Hey, alright, I’m gonna go!

Jeff: [ laughing ] Well, that’s the whole show! Bye bye!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: Complaints

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 2

11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum


Bartender…..Paul Brittain
Don…..Andy Samberg
Lana…..Melissa McCarthy
Tracy…..Vanessa Bayer
Kelly…..Nasim Pedrad
Deb…..Kristen Wiig
Mailman…..Kenan Thompson
Bill…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, The Tap ] [ dissolve to interior, Lana sitting at the bar nursing a drink as Don enters behind her ]

Don: [ to the bartender ] I’ll take an “Entourage” Tequila — neat.

Bartender: Right away, sir.

[ Don sits next to Lana ]

Don: Hey, there. My name’s Don. You look lovely tonight.

Lana: Oh. Thank you very much, but I’m sure you say that to all the girls.

Don: I’m not gonna lie to you — I’ve been with many, many women.

Lana: You must be a very skilled lover.

Don: Let’s just say I’ve never had any complaints.

[ Tracy leans forward ]

Tracy: Hey, Don!

Don: What’s up, Tracy?

Lana: I’m glad I found you. I just wanted to float an official complaint at you about our lovemaking the other night.

Don: [ nervous ] Ah ha?

Tracy: Yeah, I just found it to be really bad! You were kind of all over the place, and you seemed really scared —

Don: Sounds right…

Tracy: Also, the noises you were making?

Don: Yeah.

Tracy: Ugh! They were like sobs and yelps, like a sick dog —

Don: Right, right…

Tracy: So, anyway, just wanted to officially complain about you and the way you have sex.

Don: Right on!

Tracy: Okay, good, good.

[ Tracy steps away ] [ Don turns back to Lana ]

Don: So where were we?

Lana: You were saying you don’t get a lot of complaints.

Don: Well, that was the first… and I’m sure it will be the last.

[ Kelly leans forward ]

Kelly: Hey, Don!

Don: What’s up, Kelly?

Kelly: Hey! Uh — a couple of complaints about your lovemaking.

Don: Shoot!

Kelly: One: Tiny penis.

Don: Dig it.

Kelly: Two: You kept calling me “Dog the Bounty Hunter”.

Don: American icon. Yeah.

Kelly: And, lastly: I smelled like vinegar for, like, a year afterwards.

Don: I bathe in it for medical reasons. Yeah.

[ Kelly runs off ]

Don: [ to Lana ] So, before we get out of here, I’d love to buy you a drink.

Lana: Well… it’s a nice offer, but I already have one.

Don: Play coy if you want, but this… is… on!

[ Deb leans forward ]

Deb: Hey, Don?

Don: What’s up, Deb?

Deb: Uh — super dinky weiner.

Don: Yeah, that’s a repeat, yeah.

Deb: It looks like a shriveled eggplant.

Don: The doc says that’s normal.

Deb: It’s not, it’s not.

Don: Okay.

Deb: And, also, I would lose the shirtless Mario Lopez poster in your bedroom.

Don: Hmm. He’s an underrated deuce man.

Deb: You’re a pathetic man-child, ill-equipped to satisfy a woman.

Don: Deb… you get me.

[ Deb steps away ]

Bartender: Here’s your drink, sir. And, also, I’ve got some messages for you. [ reading ] Uh — Karen called, she says your butt looks like Ebenezer Scrooge.

Don: Can’t disagree.

Bartender: And Lucy called and said because of you, she’s turning gay… amd her dog is pregnant.

Don: I don’t do condoms!

[ Mailman step forward ]

Mailman: Hey, Don, I got your complaint mail here.

Don: Oh, lay it on me!

[ the Mailman lifts a huge sack onto the bar counter ]

Lana: Wow. That’s a lot of complaints.

Mailman: Oh, yes it is! [ he chuckles, then stares Don down before leaving ]

Don: [ to Lana ] So, uh — is this gonna happen, or should I hit the can?

Lana: Look, Don — you seem like a terrible guy.

Don: Toast. Yeah.

Lana: But I’m feeling adventurous, so I’m gonna throw caution to the wind and get involved with you in a way that… is pretty major.

Don: I was not expecting that.

Lana: A couple of facts about me: I only make love to the soundtrack to the musical “Rent” —

Don: I’m listening.

Lana: I’m a scremer, but not the kind you’re thinking.

Don: Bird calls?

Lana: I stand corrected. [ she demonstrates a screeching bird call ] And, lastly: My lifelong nickname is “Skidmarks”, but… I’ve never owned a car.

Don: Hmm. Well, it sounds to me like you’d be any man’s drea.

Lana: [ she laughs ] Well, let’s just say I’ve never had any complaints!

[ Bill leans forward ]

Bill: Heyyy, Lana? I have a few complaints…

Lana: Not now! Not now! [ she pulls out a taser and zaps him in the neck ] [ Lana and Don toast their glasses ]

Lana & Don: To our terrible lovemaking!

[ cut to exterior, The Tap ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 2

11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum


…..Melissa McCarthy

Melissa McCarthy: I want to say “Thank You!” to Lady Antebellum! I’ve had the TIME OF MY LIFE here this week! The cast, the crew, New York City! Thank you for coming! This has been amazing!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 09/24/11

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 1

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

September 24th, 2011

Alec Baldwin



Steve Martin

Seth Rogen


Either the 7th or 8th GOP DebateSummary: Shepard Smith (Bill Hader) moderates the latest debate between Republican frontrunners Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis), Rick Perry (Alec Baldwin), and other candidates who don’t stand a chance at their party’s nomination.

Recurring Characters: Shepard Smith, Mitt Romney, Michelle Bachman, Newt Gingrich.



Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Alec jokes about Ben & Jerry’s new Schweddy Balls flavor, then triumphes that his 16th hosting gig finally puts him ahead of Steve Martin’s record. Martin then shows up to make sure that Baldwin is hosting without the aid of steroids, and employs drug expert Seth Rogen to analyze Baldwin’s urine sample.


Red Flag ParfumSummary: The enchanting fragrance that warns would-be suitors that the attractive woman in the bar might not be worth the pursuit.


“All My Children” Wrap PartySummary: Susan Lucci (Vanessa Bayer) toasts her glass to a roomful of actors and actresses whose real-life quirks are just as overdramatic as their soap opera characters.

WDHX NewsSummary: Denise Fineman (Kristen Wiig) reports live, via tape delay, from Costa Rica, where her desk anchors (Alec Baldwin, Abby Elliott) are unable to protect her from jungle creatures about to attack.

Note: This sketch had previously been cut from dress rehearsals of episodes hosted by Ellen Page and Amy Adams during SNL’s 33rd season.

Radiohead performs “Lotus Flower”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Tony Bennett’s (Alec Baldwin) summer movie wrap-up derails into a discussion about women’s hygeine products.

Recurring Characters: Tony Bennett.


Who’s On Top?Summary: Contestants (Alec Baldwin, Vanessa Bayer) try to guess which of two male celebrities would be on top if they were involved in a hypothetical gay relationship.


Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVDSummary: The 25th Anniversary DVD re-release features audition outtakes from unlikely 80’s-era celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Tony Danza, Al Pacino, Harvey Fierstein, Paula Abdul, Alan Alda, Crispin Glover, Prince, Mindy Cohn.

Note: This was cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s finale.


Child PsychologistSummary: Child psychologist (Alec Baldwin) ignores his whiny daughter (Nasim Pedrad) for her own good during a dinner date at home with Elaine (Vanessa Bayer).


Radiohead performs “Staircase”

Turner Classic MoviesSummary: Captain (Alec Baldwin) gives his private (Taran Killam) unusual final requests after being shot by the enemy.



NOOK Color - 468x60

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) discusses the state of the economy and how nothing has changed since he assumed office.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Rock’s WaySummary: Appearing in various Broadway productions, Chris Rock (Jay Pharoah) breaks the fourth wall to perform stand-up routines making fun of each play.

Note: This piece will air on next week’s episode.


Netflix ApologySummary: Netflix founders (Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen) apologize for their recent bad policy changes, then proceed to make more inane policy changes.

Headz UpSummary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody will eventually air on the episode hosted by Daniel Radcliffe.

Willy Wonka ReunionSummary: The kids from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” (Nasim Pedrad, Vanessa Bayer, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Alec Baldwin) get together on “The Today Show” for a 40-year reunion.

Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVD IISummary: The 25th Anniversary DVD re-release features additional audition outtakes from unlikely 80’s-era celebrities.

Note: This was cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s finale.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: Lil Poundcake

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 2

11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum

Lil Poundcake

Mom…..Vanessa Bayer
Mother #2…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on little girl playing with Lil Poundcake doll, as her Mom enters ]

Mom: Heyyy! Who’s your friend?

Little Girl: [ holding up her doll ] It’s Lil Poundcake!

[ cut to rapid-fire footage of little girls playing with Lil Poundcake — lying in bed, selling lemonade, running ]

“She talks amazing
She’s my very best friend!
Lil Poundcake!
Lil Poundcake!”

Announcer: It’s Lil Poundcake, the sweetest doll on the block!

[ cut to little girl ]

Little Girl: She smells like frosting!

[ cut to second little girl ]

Little Girl #2: I can wear her earrings!

[ cut to third little girl ]

Little Girl #3: She loves to dance!

“She has a purse
and hair that grows!
She’ll keep you safefrom HPV!”

[ Little Girl stops scooping sugar ]

Little Girl: H P what?!?

[ other little girls lean in ]

Little Girls: V!! [ they laugh ] [ SUPER: “Human Papilloma Virus!!!” ] [ cut to little girls having tea party ]

Little Girl: Would you like some more tea?

[ a surgical needle protrudes from Lil Poundcake’s arm and administers a shot ]

Little Girl: Awesome! She got me!

[ the other little girls laugh ] [ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: Lil Poundcake is the first doll approved to administer the Human Papilloma Virus vaccination to girls under 10!

[ cut to shots of girls playing with Lil Poundcake ]

“Lil Poundcake!
Lil Poundcake!”

[ cut to close-up of Lil Poundcake’s hand squirting the vaccination from a needle ]

Announcer: Lil Poundcake protects against HPV, with a series of three injections over a period of six months! AND… she’s got her pwn PHONE!

[ cut to little girl playing with Lil Poundcake ]

Little Girl: Look — she’s texting!

[ Lil Poundcake’s other arm points a needle at the ltitle girl ]

Little Girl: Hey! Lil Poundcake! [ she laughs ] [ cut to Lil Poundcake coming to life as another little girl sleeps ]

“Side effects include
Fever and Nausea!
Do not use
if you’re already pregnant!”

[ cut to little girls running around with their Lil Poundcake dolls ]

Announcer: Once you’re done playing with Lil Poundcake and you’ve gotten all your shots, remember to dispose of her in the Lil Poundcake bin at your local hospital!

[ little girl drops her lil Poundcake in the biohazard bin filled with other Lil Poundcake dolls ] [ the doll looks up at the Mother ]

“Lil Poundcake!
Lil Poundcake!”

[ Mother quickly closes the biohazard bin ] [ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: Lil Poundcake. The only thing you’re gonna get infected with… is FUN!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 09/24/11: Child Psychologist

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Child Psychologist

Jeff…..Alec Baldwin
Elaine…..Vanessa Bayer
Raquel…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on Jeff and Elaine seated at a candlelit dinner in his house ]

Jeff: [ toasting her glass ] To a wonderful evening.

Elaine: Thanks for having me over. I didn’t want to say this before, but I’ve read ALL your books on Child Psychology.

Jeff: Yes. Well, helping parents raise their children is my life’s passion.

[ suddenly, Jeff’s daughter Raquel slowly passes through the front room, crying ]

Elaine: Uh — who’s that little girl.

Jeff: That’s my daughter Raquel — she’s grounded, just ignore her. That’s my first rule of parenting: To acknowledge her… is to give her the power. Uh — more of this fabulous wine?

Elaine: If the doctor recommends it!

[ he pours more wine, as Raquel reappears from the opposite direction, crying harder ]

Raquel: I know you can hear me!

Elaine: Okay, she seems really upset. If you need to take a moment with her —

Jeff: Oh, no, no, no! She’ll tire out soon. My e-wife never understood that. But my ex-wife’s not here tonight, it’s just… you and me.

[ Raquel appears right behind her father, crying ]

Raquel: It just seems like by now you would have come and talked to me!

[ Elaine glances over at Raquel ]

Jeff: Don’t look at her, Elaine! If you make eye contact with her, you give HER the power!

Raquel: [ now standing behind Elaine ] I feel like your parenting style isn’t really paying off! [ she leans over Elaine ] Hi, lady… I like your bangs… here’s a note! [ she hands the note over and cries directly into Elaine’s face ]

Elaine: I’m gonna read this.

Jeff: Fine! I know what it says already!

Elaine: [ reading ] “I’m sorry if i’m ruining your date, but I’m actually a really rational person.”

[ Raquel watches from behind a potted plant ]

Elaine: [ continues reading, as Jeff mouthes along ] “I’m in the plant, if you ant to talk. P.S.: Are you my new mother?”

Jeff: Elaine, let me ask you a question — how is your shrimp cocktail?

Elaine: To be honest, I haven’t tried it. There’s been other things happening.

[ Raquel cries as she lays atop a hutch and throws dishes at the floor ]

Jeff: Keep your eyes on ME, Elaine! If you turn around and see what’s happening, you’ll give her the power!

[ Raquel throws more dishes and cups to the floor ]

Jeff: Elaine, it feels like we’re the only two people on Earth, doesn’t it? [ he casually sips his wine ]

Raquel: Look what I’m doing!! I could FALL!! Let’s TALK about that!!

Elaine: [ flustered ] Oh, my God! Maybe we should just —

Jeff: Acknowledge she’s alive? No! Her mother suggested that. She was WEAK, and a regular psychologist! Trust me! Because of MY philosophy, she will grow into a well-adjusted, emotionally stable young lady.

Elaine: [ looking past Jeff ] Uh — well — um, Jeff? Jeff?

Jeff: Is my tennis jacket on fire behind me? I have many tennis jackets.

Raquel: [ desperately ] It’s your favorite!

Jeff: [ outraged ] NOT THE BLUE!! — [ he almost turns his head, but stops ] Ohhhhh! You see that, Elaine? She almost got me. I almost gave her the power.

Elaine: Listen, Jeff — I just want to say something. I’m starting to think that —

Jeff: Elaine… I know what you’re going to say, and you’re right: This date is going really, really well. One of the best dates either one of us has been on in years. But there’s one more thing, Elaine. If you acknowledge the terrine of tapioca above your head… you give her the power.

[ Raquel cries as she dumps tapioca over Elaine’s head ]

Raquel: I’m so sorry, Elaine! This is NEVER about you! I PROMISE t’ll come right out!! [ she puts the bowl over Elaine’s head ]

Jeff: She’s wrong, Elaine! Don’t let HER know that YOU know that you have tapioca all over your head!

Elaine: I’m sorry, Jeff, alright? Um…Raquel? It’s okay. I acknowledge you. What can I do?

[ Raquel guffaws ]

Raquel: Oh, man! Elaine, you dummy! You gave me the power! [ she dumps in her daddy’s lap ] Dad, you’re too GOOD for this BOZO!

Jeff: You’re right, sweetheart, she’s a fool. [ to Elaine ] After we have sex, Elaine, you should probably go home.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: Rock’s Way

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 2

11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum

Rock’s Way

Juliet…..Nasim Pedrad
Chris Rock…..Jay Pharoah
Audience Member #1…..Kenan Thompson
Captain…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience Member #3…..Taran Killam
Annie…..Abby Elliott

[ open on nighttime Broadway exteriors ]

Announcer: Fresh from his triumph on Broadway, in “The Motherf**ker With The Hat”, actor Chris Rock now has his own show!

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Rock’s Way”! See Chris Rock in ALL your favorite theater classics, like… “Romeo & Juliet”!

[ cut to performance of “Romeo & Juliet” ]

Juliet: Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Chris Rock: [ at ground level ] I’m right here!

Juliet: Wherefore art thou?

Chris Rock: I’m DOWN HERE!!

Juliet: Where art thou?

Chris Rock: Okay! Okay, okay! Cut this! [ he whips out his microphone ] Oh, we just gonna have to be FRIENDS! I can’t be messin’ with a bitch that can’t HEAR! [ Juliet nods ] And what have we gotta run from the folks for? I ain’t turnin’ over to WAKE you! You better be able to hear DOG WHISTLES, ’cause that’s the only warning you gonna GET!!

[ cut to testimonial from Audience Member #1 ]

Audience Member #1: Man, I LOVE Shakespeare! It was HILARIOUS, son! It’s the only Shakespeare I been to where I stood up the whole time! [ he laughs ] You know what I’m talkin’ about!

Announcer: It’s ALL your Broadway favorites — Rockified! Watch as Chris takes on… “Oliver!”

[ cut to performance of “Oliver!” ]

Chris Rock: [ holding out bowl ] Please, sir! May I have some more?

Captain: Whaaaaat?

Chris Rock: I said, “Please, sir! Could I have some more –” [ he faces the audience ] Riiiiibs! [ he ehips out his microphone ] Come on, man! What do you have in that pot, anyway? Look at you over there, lookin’ like Captain Crunch!

[ cut to testimonial from Audience Member #2 ]

Audience Member #2: There were thirty other cast members onstage, but none of them really spoke. At one point, they just sat down on the stage and started laughing. I don’t know what happened — I started laughing, too! [ she cackles with glee ] [ cut to testimonial from Audience Member #3 ]

Audience Member #3: It was… Black-tacular! [ he grins playfully ]

Announcer: It’s just like one of those HBO specials, but with people in costumes! Watch as Rock takes on… “Annie”!

[ cut to performance of “Annie” ]

Annie: It’s a hard knock life.

[ Chris Rock runs onstage, microphone in hand ]

Chris Rock: “Hard knock lie”?! What you know about the hard knock life? Tell you one thing, though — she got some Daddy issues! Gotta keep off the pole!

Announcer: So come and get “Rocked”! Get rolled and see… “Rock’s Way”!

[ cut to performance of “Oliver!” ]

Chris Rock: You know how a BAD idea can seem like a GOOD idea at the time? Like CRACK COCAINE!

[ the orphans laugh ]

Announcer: Premiering this month!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 09/24/11: Either the 7th or 8th GOP Debate

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Either the 7th or 8th GOP Debate

Shepard Smith…..Bill Hader
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Perry…..Alec Baldwin
John Huntsman…..Taran Killam
Ron Paul…..Paul Brittain
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg
Michelle Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: And now, live from the Strom Thurmond Memorial Library in Lynchfield, South Carolina — it’s Either the 7th or 8th GOP Debate. And now, please welcome your debate moderator: from FOX News — Shepard Smith.

[ dissolve to Smith at his podium ]

Shepard Smith: Good evening. I’m Shepard Smith, and I come from a town full of secrets. I’d like to begin by apologizing for responses by the audience at the previous three debates, who booed a soldier, cheered executions, and applauded the death of an uninsured man. It was inappropriate. I’d also like to apologize for the late start tonight — there was a six-car pile-up on Route 20 that burst into flames. [ the audience applauds ]

Tonight’s debate is between former governor Mitt Romney… and governor Rick Perry. There are also six other people who will NEVER be president, but showed up anyway. Their names are John Huntsman… Ron Paul… Herman Cain… Rick Santorum… Michelle Bachmann… and Newt Gingrich.

Now, before we begin, we had complaints that our soudn effects marking the end of a candidate’s time sounded too close to a doorbell, and therefore is making dogs at home go crazy. So we changed the sound to this: [ a cat meows ]

Governor Perry, we’ll begin with you. A mere three weeks ago, you were the darling of the right wing of the Republican Party, but now, after three debates, your inconsistent performances have given your supporters doubts. My question is: Can you speak for ten seconds without alienating your base?

Rick Perry: Now, the Conservative Base needs to know that Rick Perry stands with them 110%. I believe we need to lower the corporate tax rate, I believe we need fewer regulations, I believe all ten-year old girls should be vaccinated for HPV so they can enter into menaingful sexual relationships. No? Uh… oh, I’ll try again. “Rick Perry… consistent…” Uh, I believe Social Security is a Ponzi scheme, I believe we need to build a fence to keep the illegals out; however, should any illegals get through and have children here, I believe we should open our hearts and pay for their education. [ the audience boos ] No? Do-over! Do-over! Uh… Rick Perry only listens to two people: Jesus Christ and Rachel Maddow! [ the audience boos ] No? No. Damn!

Shepard Smith: Mitt Romney. Despite currently polling second, voters still don’t seem to conenct to you. Tell us: Who is Mitt Romney?

Mitt Romney: Well… I’d like to start by saying that I know things have gotten pretty heated between Governor Perry and I in the last few debates… and I… I just want to thank him for not playing the Mormon card. Now, I know it’s there and I know it’s tempting.

Rick Perry: Oh… I’m gonna do it soon, real soon, you just wait!Now, look — Mitt Romney might not be the perfect candidate. But he’s the PERFECT candidate in comparison to the other candidates! Next to Rick Perry, I’m a centrist. Next to Michelle Bachmann, U’m a private sector businessman. Next to Newt Gingrich, I have a normal, human-sized head. Next to Ron Paul… well, I’m the Fonz! And, next to Herman Cain… [ he motions his hand and mouths “I’m White” ] Now, next to John Huntsman, it gets tricky. Because we’re both Mormon and have similar haircuts. But I think I compare favorably to him because I didn’t spend the last two years in China.

John Huntsman: No, no… now, see, I resent that, Mitt. My time spent as Ambassador to China is an asset, but it does not define me. I understand Chinese economy… I understand, a little bit, Chinese culture… [ in Chinese dialect ] You want a little bit Chinese history? Ya ya, okay! Maybe some Chinese-U.S. relation, maybe? Home, please. Ni-hai! [ he yells offscreen in a foreign tongue ] Okay, I read back! 1. Chinese economy; 2. Little bit Chinese culture; 3. Chinese history; 4. Scallion pancake; 5. John Huntsman good president, 2012 — HOW YOU PAY?!

Shepard Smith: Now, sadly, we have to ask questions to condidates who can’t and won’t win. But we will promise to get back to Mr. Romney and Mr. Perry as fast as we can. Gentlemen, do you accept our apologies?

Rick Perry: That’s alright.

Mitt Romney: Yeah, we get it.

Shepard Smith: Newt Gingrich. I’m calling your bluff. Do you really want to be president?

Newt Gingrich: [ rolls his eyes and shakes his head ] No!

Shepard Smith: Would you like to leave now, and beat the rush out of the parking lot?

Newt Gingrich: Thank you!

[ Gingrich steps away from his podium and crosses the stage, slapping hands with Herman Cain before he exits ]

Shepard Smith: Rick Santorum. You seem confused and flabbergasted by modern-day life.

Rick Santorum: [ almost crying ] Yea-ah! Yuo might say that.

Shepard Smith: It seems like, if there were a time and place in history that best fit your values, it would likely be Salem, Mass. in 1692.

Rick Santorum: [ shaking his head ] Sounds right! I’m sorry… what’s the question?

Shepard Smith: Why stick your neck out and run for president, little guy?

Rick Santorum: [ nervously ] Look — this country is headed into a sca-scary direction, okay? I mean, jsut yesterday, I read a statistic that half — HALF!! — of all marriages… end in SWEATPANTS!!

Shepard Smith: I believe you read that on a billboard for the NBC sitcom “Whitney”.

Rick Santorum: [ confused ] Did I do wrong?

Shepard Smith: [ smiling ] You did! Michelle Bachmann.

Michell Bachmann: [ she grins laciviously ] You know you want it!

Shepard Smith: You were an early leader in the polls, but then numbers dipped when Newsweek showed a picture of your face.

Michell Bachmann: [ smiling ] That’s correct.

Shepard Smith: In Thursday’s debate, you said you believed Americans should pay no taxes at all. How would that work?

Michell Bachmann: Shep… I believe paying no taxes can help us return to the America I love — not the America of Ronald Reagan, not the America of the Founding Fathers — but, rather, the America of thousands of years ago, in which feral bands of mud people lived in their caves, never worrying that Barack Obama was gonna come and take their hard-earned pelts or infringe on their right to bear spears. That’s my America. [ she smiles ]

Shepard Smith: How do you rebound from your falling poll numbers?

Michell Bachmann: Uh, Shepard, I’m persistant. And when I want something, I won’t take “No” for an answer. Take, for instance, when I first met my husband. We were both at a party and I saw him across the room, acting out all the parts from the musical “Grease”. Smitten, I asked him out for a hot water and lemon. He said: “Miss Thing, here’s a quarter — buy yourself a clue.” But I wouldn’t give up. In closing: fences, Jesus, papilloma, eyeballs. [ she smiles ]

Shepard Smith: Jeepers creepers, those are some spooky-ass peepers! Moving on… Herman Cain.

Herman Cain: Who?

Shepard Smith: Mr. Cain, your only experience is serving as CEO of Godfather’s Pizza. How does running a pizza chain equate to running a country?

Herman Cain: Well, Shepard… the one constant through all the years has been PIZZA! America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers, but PIZZA has marked the time. If you order it… pizza will come. There’s no better motto for the federal government than that of a pizza place. Pizza doesn’t come to your door unless you ask for it. But when you ask for it… pizza will be there in ten minutes. If you order it… pizza will come. It’s four o’clock in the morning, and you’re high as a kite and the stuff in your fridge is weirding you out? If you order it… pizza will come. Pizza will come. Oh, pizza will most definitely come. And if you vote for me, America, I promise you… that I WILL deliver!

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Cain basks in his glory ]

Shepard Smith: Once again, Herman Cain has received wild applause. Now, Mr. Cain, please know that will not translate into actual votes.

Herman Cain: [ he grins proudly ] I am aware!

Shepard Smith: Ron Paul.

Ron Paul: [ gawkishly ] Damn right!

Shepard Smith: You were, uh, painted into a corner last week when you were asked a very pointed hypothetical question about liberty. So let’s do that again!

Ron Paul: G-g-great!

Shepard Smith: Let’s pretend you are a representative of the federal government walking down the street. You see a house on fire. Do you act?

Ron Paul: [ shaking his head frantically ] Nooo!! That’s none of my business!

Shepard Smith: What if… the house is full of puppies? Puppies with their noses pressed against the glass. Do you act then?

Ron Paul: No! That is NOT my place!

Shepard Smith: What if… the puppies were making this noise: [ he moans like a helpless puppy ] And they’re all wearing bows. What would you do?

Ron Paul: I’d let the puppies BURN! I am a PURIST! The puppie should DIE!!

Shepard Smith: Well… Ron Paul, you stuck to your guns! Your weird, old guns!

Rick Perry: Uh, Shep? Shep, if I may, I’d like to, uh, attack Mitt Romney as a flip-flopper.

Shepard Smith: You sure? It’s late in the debate. This is when you normally get tired and confused.

Rick Perry: Not tonight! Yeah, I’m ready. [ he begins ] Mitt Romney’s city was for… uh… against… Obamacare… but what about… [ he yawns ] Mitt Romney? I mean… Mitt… Romneycare… Was it was before he was before…?

Shepard Smith: Uh-ohhhh…

Rick Perry: Was it was… [ he leans on his podium ] He was before… [ he leans closer to his podium ] Board of control! [ he slouches down on his podium and snores ]

Shepard Smith: And he’s asleep! That concludes tonight’s debate. As a reminder to Chris Christie: It’s wide open, buddy! Stay tuned for our next debate, which begins in five minutes and features questions from animals. I’m Shepard Smith, I’m a silly little rag doll, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/08/11

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 3

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

October 8th, 2011

Ben Stiller

Foster The People


Hugh Jackman

Kenny G


Mitt Romney Press ConferenceSummary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) desperately tries to keep the press interested in his bid for the Republican nomination, but they’re saddened by the news that Chrie Christie (Bobby Moynihan) has decided not to run.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.



Ben Stiller’s MonologueSummary: Famished from not eating al day because of Yom Kippur, Ben Stiller is treated to a delightful array of Jewish foods by the Jewish Willy Wonka (Andy Samberg).

Lincoln Financial GroupSummary: Financial investor (Jason Sudeikis) meets up with his future self and agrees to a make-out session.

Fox & FriendsSummary: Fox’s morning pundits Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) make random political statements and follow up on their earlier interview with a rowdy Hank Williams, Jr. (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Hank Williams, Jr., Lou.


Lincoln Financial Group IISummary: Financial investor (Bill Hader) meets up with his future self and is grossed out by the prospect of a make-out session prior to his own suicide.

The Best of Both WorldsSummary: Hugh Jackman (Andy Samberg) interviews more fellow actors who have tackled film roles that reveal two different sides of their personas.

Recurring Characters: Hugh Jackman, Nancy Grace, Clint Eastwood, Richie.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “V-Neck”.

Hank Williams, Jr.Summary: Hank Williams, Jr. (Jason Sudeikis) sings “All My Rowdy Friends” variant with the SNL Band as the show segues to a commercial.

Recurring Characters: Hank Williams, Jr.


Foster the People performs “Pumped Up Kicks”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Put on the spot to explain her craft, party planner Nan Washingtom (Kristen Wiig) can only think of pancake-themed party ideas. Stefon (Bill Hader) outlines more inappropriate New York City clubs and introduces male model Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller).

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Sexy ShanaSummary: At Halloween party, office workers (Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam) are enamored by Shana (Kristen Wiig) until she goes overboard with her sexy-gross party enjoyment techniques.

Recurring Characters: Shana.

Lincoln Financial Group IIISummary: Financial investor (Ben Stiller) meets up with his future transgendered self and agrees to a make-out session.

Columbus Day AssblastSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground Columbus Day rock festival that features a low-key performance by spiritual advisor Eckhart Tolle (Ben Stiller).

Recurring Characters: DJ Super Soak, Lil Blaster, Ass Dan, MC George Castanza.


Bruce Springsteen: Just the StoriesSummary: A video collection of Bruce Springsteen (Ben Stiller) telling the mundane stories behind his songs.

Recurring Characters: Bruce Springsteen.


Foster the People with Kenny G performs “Houdini”

TinyballsSummary: In a new movie trailer, a baseball coach (Taran Killam) improves the performance of his team by agreeing to let a dealer (Ben Stiller) inject them with steroids.


GoodnightsTranscript Monthly Coupon

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and fellow criminal (Ben Stiller) try to scare a trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

P90XSummary: An extreme home fitness demonstration.

Gaddaffi’s HideoutSummary: Muammer Gaddafi (Fred Armisen) hides in his cave and plays music.

SNL Transcripts