SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: The Comments Section



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 2















11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum

The Comments Section

Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis
Matthew Knox…..Bobby Moynihan
Mrs. Heffernan…..Nasim Pedrad
Carl Durbin…..Taran Killam
Jennifer Evans…..Melissa McCarthy

[ open on talk show set ]

Jeff: Hello. And welcome to “The Comments Section”, the show that takes a closer look at what people write below articles and videos on the Internet. Today we welcome some of the most prolific commenters on the Web. They’ve been posting anonymously for years, but today we get to see the people behind the comments. Our first guest is Matthew Knox, better known by his Internet handle “XXXDeathbyFartsXXX”.

Matthew Knox: [ blowing fart sound with his mouth ] Great to be here?

Jeff: [ chuckling ] There’s that snark! Now, uh, some of your comments may be construed as a bit negative. For example: Under a clip of a ten-year old girl singing “The Star Spangled Banner”, you wrote: “Epic fail haha you loser u r fat”.

Matthew Knox: [ he laughs reflectively ] Yeah!

Jeff: And, also, under a video of a horse rescuing its owner from a fire, you wrote: “Mad gay yo”. What was gay about that?

Matthew Knox: [ shifting his eyes ] Uh, I don’t know — the horse? [ he laughs ]

Jeff: Okay. Then, last night, you went after this elderly woman. We have a clip.

[ reveal clip of elderly woman dancing ]

Jeff: Now, she was dancing at her grandson’s birthday party, and you wrote: “Dumb ass old lady! Haha, her hat fell off. Kill yourself”.

Matthew Knox: Hey — I just calls ’em like I sees ’em!

Jeff: mmm-hmm. That, and there’s no consequences because you’ll never meet any of these people.

Matthew Knox: [ he nods ] Exactly! [ he laughs ]

Jeff: Well, we’ve got that old lady here with us today.

Matthew Knox: [ surprised ] What?

Jeff: Yeah.

Matthew Knox: No!

Jeff: Yeah, yeah, yeah we do. Uh, Mrs. Heffernan? You want to come out here and shame him? Here’s Mr.s Heffernan.

Mrs. Heffernan: [ entering ] Thanks, Jeff.

Jeff: You’re welcome.

Mrs. Heffernan: [ leaning over Matthew ] So you think I’m a dumbass?

Matthew Knox: No… No, no — you’re totally nice!

Mrs. Heffernan: You think my teeth are bad, that I should kill myself?

Matthew Knox: No… no, you should keep living.

Mrs. Heffernan: Yeah. Here’s my comment: I think you’re ROTTEN! [ she ambles away ]

Jeff: [ giggling to himself ] Our next guest is Carl Durbin, or as he’s known online: “Ultimatestud2Good2Btru”

Carl Durbin: [ nervous ] Actually… can I leave?

Jeff: Mmm… no. No, stay put. Now, Carl, sometimes you comment on other people’s comments, right?

Carl Durbin: Yeah, that’s right. Sometimes I don’t even look at the source material… I just wait for someone to make a sincere point, and then I’ll write something like, “Learn to spell, dweeb!” Or “YOU SUCK BIG ONES!” in all caps!

Jeff: Hmm-hmm. Right. But most of the time you just write the word “Boobz.”

Carl Durbin: [ laughing ] Yeah! That’s my thing!

Jeff: Mmm-hmm. Actually, we have a list of things you wrote “Boobz” under. We have a photo of Margaret Thatcher… a woman interviewing another woman about a robbery… and we have a song by Miss Piggy.

[ Carl cannot stop laughing at his efforts ]

Jeff: So, now, how do you decide how many O’s to put in “Boobz”?

Carl Durbin: It — it’s the size.

Jeff: Mmm-hmm. The size? It’s the size?

Carl Durbin: Of the boobz.

Jeff: No, I get that… I get that. And, uh, what does your girlfriend this about all this?

Carl Durbin: [ stunned ] Oh, I don’t have a girlfriend.

Jeff: Yeah, I know. I was kidding! [ he laughs ] Our final guest is Jennifer Evans, AKA DaTruf! [ mocking ] DaTruf. Now, Jennifer, your comments focus mostly on promoting your political agenda, correct? Uh, for example, under a video of a bear falling out of a tree onto a trampoilne, you wrote: “Obama is our first Nigerian President!”

Jennifer Evans: Yeah! I did. Yeah.

Jeff: And under a clip of a bride tripping and falling into her own wedding cake, you wrote: “No more illegals. Illegals SUUUUUCK”!

Jennifer Evans: [ annoyed ] Yeah, Jeff, that’s what I said!

Jeff: Alright, let’s see… Under a video tribute to the late Gene Siskel, you wrote: “9/11 is inside job”.

Jennifer Evans: Yeah. Yeah. I sure did.

Jeff: Yeah. What exactly are your political views?

Jennifer Evans: Uh — they’re correct! Uh, or I wouldn’t have said them! But they were correct! God!

Jeff: Alright, but why put them all over the Internet?

Jennifer Evans: Well, I’m a lawyer by day, but I feel very constricted at work. The Comments section is a nice outlet for my emotions.

Jeff: Mmm-hmm. Okay, I see. And are you really a lawyer?

Jennifer Evans: No, I am not.

Jeff: No, I knew! So, at this point in the show, gang, we’re just gonna have someone come out here and punch all of you in the gut. Is that okay?

[ they all nod ]

Carl Durbin: [ standing ] Yeah, I don’t like myself…

[ Tommy rushes out ]

Tommy: Yeah, alright! how you doing? I’m Tommy! Hey, hey! [ he punches Matthew in the gut ] Hey, how you doing? Tommy! [ he punches Carl in the gut ] Hey, how you doing? Whoa, hey, I can’t hit a woman. Um…

Jeff: Well… she called Garfield the N-word.

Tommy: Hey, alright! [ he punches Jennifer in the gut ] BOOM!! [ he elbows her in the back ] Whoa! Hey, alright, I’m gonna go!

Jeff: [ laughing ] Well, that’s the whole show! Bye bye!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: Complaints



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 2


















11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum

Complaints

Bartender…..Paul Brittain
Don…..Andy Samberg
Lana…..Melissa McCarthy
Tracy…..Vanessa Bayer
Kelly…..Nasim Pedrad
Deb…..Kristen Wiig
Mailman…..Kenan Thompson
Bill…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, The Tap ] [ dissolve to interior, Lana sitting at the bar nursing a drink as Don enters behind her ]

Don: [ to the bartender ] I’ll take an “Entourage” Tequila — neat.

Bartender: Right away, sir.

[ Don sits next to Lana ]

Don: Hey, there. My name’s Don. You look lovely tonight.

Lana: Oh. Thank you very much, but I’m sure you say that to all the girls.

Don: I’m not gonna lie to you — I’ve been with many, many women.

Lana: You must be a very skilled lover.

Don: Let’s just say I’ve never had any complaints.

[ Tracy leans forward ]

Tracy: Hey, Don!

Don: What’s up, Tracy?

Lana: I’m glad I found you. I just wanted to float an official complaint at you about our lovemaking the other night.

Don: [ nervous ] Ah ha?

Tracy: Yeah, I just found it to be really bad! You were kind of all over the place, and you seemed really scared —

Don: Sounds right…

Tracy: Also, the noises you were making?

Don: Yeah.

Tracy: Ugh! They were like sobs and yelps, like a sick dog —

Don: Right, right…

Tracy: So, anyway, just wanted to officially complain about you and the way you have sex.

Don: Right on!

Tracy: Okay, good, good.

[ Tracy steps away ] [ Don turns back to Lana ]

Don: So where were we?

Lana: You were saying you don’t get a lot of complaints.

Don: Well, that was the first… and I’m sure it will be the last.

[ Kelly leans forward ]

Kelly: Hey, Don!

Don: What’s up, Kelly?

Kelly: Hey! Uh — a couple of complaints about your lovemaking.

Don: Shoot!

Kelly: One: Tiny penis.

Don: Dig it.

Kelly: Two: You kept calling me “Dog the Bounty Hunter”.

Don: American icon. Yeah.

Kelly: And, lastly: I smelled like vinegar for, like, a year afterwards.

Don: I bathe in it for medical reasons. Yeah.

[ Kelly runs off ]

Don: [ to Lana ] So, before we get out of here, I’d love to buy you a drink.

Lana: Well… it’s a nice offer, but I already have one.

Don: Play coy if you want, but this… is… on!

[ Deb leans forward ]

Deb: Hey, Don?

Don: What’s up, Deb?

Deb: Uh — super dinky weiner.

Don: Yeah, that’s a repeat, yeah.

Deb: It looks like a shriveled eggplant.

Don: The doc says that’s normal.

Deb: It’s not, it’s not.

Don: Okay.

Deb: And, also, I would lose the shirtless Mario Lopez poster in your bedroom.

Don: Hmm. He’s an underrated deuce man.

Deb: You’re a pathetic man-child, ill-equipped to satisfy a woman.

Don: Deb… you get me.

[ Deb steps away ]

Bartender: Here’s your drink, sir. And, also, I’ve got some messages for you. [ reading ] Uh — Karen called, she says your butt looks like Ebenezer Scrooge.

Don: Can’t disagree.

Bartender: And Lucy called and said because of you, she’s turning gay… amd her dog is pregnant.

Don: I don’t do condoms!

[ Mailman step forward ]

Mailman: Hey, Don, I got your complaint mail here.

Don: Oh, lay it on me!

[ the Mailman lifts a huge sack onto the bar counter ]

Lana: Wow. That’s a lot of complaints.

Mailman: Oh, yes it is! [ he chuckles, then stares Don down before leaving ]

Don: [ to Lana ] So, uh — is this gonna happen, or should I hit the can?

Lana: Look, Don — you seem like a terrible guy.

Don: Toast. Yeah.

Lana: But I’m feeling adventurous, so I’m gonna throw caution to the wind and get involved with you in a way that… is pretty major.

Don: I was not expecting that.

Lana: A couple of facts about me: I only make love to the soundtrack to the musical “Rent” —

Don: I’m listening.

Lana: I’m a scremer, but not the kind you’re thinking.

Don: Bird calls?

Lana: I stand corrected. [ she demonstrates a screeching bird call ] And, lastly: My lifelong nickname is “Skidmarks”, but… I’ve never owned a car.

Don: Hmm. Well, it sounds to me like you’d be any man’s drea.

Lana: [ she laughs ] Well, let’s just say I’ve never had any complaints!

[ Bill leans forward ]

Bill: Heyyy, Lana? I have a few complaints…

Lana: Not now! Not now! [ she pulls out a taser and zaps him in the neck ] [ Lana and Don toast their glasses ]

Lana & Don: To our terrible lovemaking!

[ cut to exterior, The Tap ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 2




11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum

Goodnights

…..Melissa McCarthy

Melissa McCarthy: I want to say “Thank You!” to Lady Antebellum! I’ve had the TIME OF MY LIFE here this week! The cast, the crew, New York City! Thank you for coming! This has been amazing!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: Lil Poundcake



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 2












11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum

Lil Poundcake

Mom…..Vanessa Bayer
Mother #2…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on little girl playing with Lil Poundcake doll, as her Mom enters ]

Mom: Heyyy! Who’s your friend?

Little Girl: [ holding up her doll ] It’s Lil Poundcake!

[ cut to rapid-fire footage of little girls playing with Lil Poundcake — lying in bed, selling lemonade, running ]

Jingle:
“She talks amazing
She’s my very best friend!
Lil Poundcake!
Lil Poundcake!”

Announcer: It’s Lil Poundcake, the sweetest doll on the block!

[ cut to little girl ]

Little Girl: She smells like frosting!

[ cut to second little girl ]

Little Girl #2: I can wear her earrings!

[ cut to third little girl ]

Little Girl #3: She loves to dance!

Jingle:
“She has a purse
and hair that grows!
She’ll keep you safefrom HPV!”

[ Little Girl stops scooping sugar ]

Little Girl: H P what?!?

[ other little girls lean in ]

Little Girls: V!! [ they laugh ] [ SUPER: “Human Papilloma Virus!!!” ] [ cut to little girls having tea party ]

Little Girl: Would you like some more tea?

[ a surgical needle protrudes from Lil Poundcake’s arm and administers a shot ]

Little Girl: Awesome! She got me!

[ the other little girls laugh ] [ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: Lil Poundcake is the first doll approved to administer the Human Papilloma Virus vaccination to girls under 10!

[ cut to shots of girls playing with Lil Poundcake ]

Jingle:
“Lil Poundcake!
Lil Poundcake!”

[ cut to close-up of Lil Poundcake’s hand squirting the vaccination from a needle ]

Announcer: Lil Poundcake protects against HPV, with a series of three injections over a period of six months! AND… she’s got her pwn PHONE!

[ cut to little girl playing with Lil Poundcake ]

Little Girl: Look — she’s texting!

[ Lil Poundcake’s other arm points a needle at the ltitle girl ]

Little Girl: Hey! Lil Poundcake! [ she laughs ] [ cut to Lil Poundcake coming to life as another little girl sleeps ]

Jingle:
“Side effects include
Fever and Nausea!
Do not use
if you’re already pregnant!”

[ cut to little girls running around with their Lil Poundcake dolls ]

Announcer: Once you’re done playing with Lil Poundcake and you’ve gotten all your shots, remember to dispose of her in the Lil Poundcake bin at your local hospital!

[ little girl drops her lil Poundcake in the biohazard bin filled with other Lil Poundcake dolls ] [ the doll looks up at the Mother ]

Jingle:
“Lil Poundcake!
Lil Poundcake!”

[ Mother quickly closes the biohazard bin ] [ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: Lil Poundcake. The only thing you’re gonna get infected with… is FUN!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 10/01/11: Rock’s Way



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 2
















11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum

Rock’s Way

Juliet…..Nasim Pedrad
Chris Rock…..Jay Pharoah
Audience Member #1…..Kenan Thompson
Captain…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience Member #3…..Taran Killam
Annie…..Abby Elliott

[ open on nighttime Broadway exteriors ]

Announcer: Fresh from his triumph on Broadway, in “The Motherf**ker With The Hat”, actor Chris Rock now has his own show!

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Rock’s Way”! See Chris Rock in ALL your favorite theater classics, like… “Romeo & Juliet”!

[ cut to performance of “Romeo & Juliet” ]

Juliet: Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Chris Rock: [ at ground level ] I’m right here!

Juliet: Wherefore art thou?

Chris Rock: I’m DOWN HERE!!

Juliet: Where art thou?

Chris Rock: Okay! Okay, okay! Cut this! [ he whips out his microphone ] Oh, we just gonna have to be FRIENDS! I can’t be messin’ with a bitch that can’t HEAR! [ Juliet nods ] And what have we gotta run from the folks for? I ain’t turnin’ over to WAKE you! You better be able to hear DOG WHISTLES, ’cause that’s the only warning you gonna GET!!

[ cut to testimonial from Audience Member #1 ]

Audience Member #1: Man, I LOVE Shakespeare! It was HILARIOUS, son! It’s the only Shakespeare I been to where I stood up the whole time! [ he laughs ] You know what I’m talkin’ about!

Announcer: It’s ALL your Broadway favorites — Rockified! Watch as Chris takes on… “Oliver!”

[ cut to performance of “Oliver!” ]

Chris Rock: [ holding out bowl ] Please, sir! May I have some more?

Captain: Whaaaaat?

Chris Rock: I said, “Please, sir! Could I have some more –” [ he faces the audience ] Riiiiibs! [ he ehips out his microphone ] Come on, man! What do you have in that pot, anyway? Look at you over there, lookin’ like Captain Crunch!

[ cut to testimonial from Audience Member #2 ]

Audience Member #2: There were thirty other cast members onstage, but none of them really spoke. At one point, they just sat down on the stage and started laughing. I don’t know what happened — I started laughing, too! [ she cackles with glee ] [ cut to testimonial from Audience Member #3 ]

Audience Member #3: It was… Black-tacular! [ he grins playfully ]

Announcer: It’s just like one of those HBO specials, but with people in costumes! Watch as Rock takes on… “Annie”!

[ cut to performance of “Annie” ]

Annie: It’s a hard knock life.

[ Chris Rock runs onstage, microphone in hand ]

Chris Rock: “Hard knock lie”?! What you know about the hard knock life? Tell you one thing, though — she got some Daddy issues! Gotta keep off the pole!

Announcer: So come and get “Rocked”! Get rolled and see… “Rock’s Way”!

[ cut to performance of “Oliver!” ]

Chris Rock: You know how a BAD idea can seem like a GOOD idea at the time? Like CRACK COCAINE!

[ the orphans laugh ]

Announcer: Premiering this month!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/08/11



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>







Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


October 8th, 2011

Ben Stiller

Foster The People

None

Hugh Jackman

Kenny G

None

Mitt Romney Press ConferenceSummary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) desperately tries to keep the press interested in his bid for the Republican nomination, but they’re saddened by the news that Chrie Christie (Bobby Moynihan) has decided not to run.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.

Transcript

Montage

Ben Stiller’s MonologueSummary: Famished from not eating al day because of Yom Kippur, Ben Stiller is treated to a delightful array of Jewish foods by the Jewish Willy Wonka (Andy Samberg).

Lincoln Financial GroupSummary: Financial investor (Jason Sudeikis) meets up with his future self and agrees to a make-out session.

Fox & FriendsSummary: Fox’s morning pundits Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) make random political statements and follow up on their earlier interview with a rowdy Hank Williams, Jr. (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Hank Williams, Jr., Lou.

Transcript

Lincoln Financial Group IISummary: Financial investor (Bill Hader) meets up with his future self and is grossed out by the prospect of a make-out session prior to his own suicide.

The Best of Both WorldsSummary: Hugh Jackman (Andy Samberg) interviews more fellow actors who have tackled film roles that reveal two different sides of their personas.

Recurring Characters: Hugh Jackman, Nancy Grace, Clint Eastwood, Richie.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “V-Neck”.

Hank Williams, Jr.Summary: Hank Williams, Jr. (Jason Sudeikis) sings “All My Rowdy Friends” variant with the SNL Band as the show segues to a commercial.

Recurring Characters: Hank Williams, Jr.

Transcript

Foster the People performs “Pumped Up Kicks”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Put on the spot to explain her craft, party planner Nan Washingtom (Kristen Wiig) can only think of pancake-themed party ideas. Stefon (Bill Hader) outlines more inappropriate New York City clubs and introduces male model Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller).

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Sexy ShanaSummary: At Halloween party, office workers (Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam) are enamored by Shana (Kristen Wiig) until she goes overboard with her sexy-gross party enjoyment techniques.

Recurring Characters: Shana.

Lincoln Financial Group IIISummary: Financial investor (Ben Stiller) meets up with his future transgendered self and agrees to a make-out session.

Columbus Day AssblastSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground Columbus Day rock festival that features a low-key performance by spiritual advisor Eckhart Tolle (Ben Stiller).

Recurring Characters: DJ Super Soak, Lil Blaster, Ass Dan, MC George Castanza.

Transcript

Bruce Springsteen: Just the StoriesSummary: A video collection of Bruce Springsteen (Ben Stiller) telling the mundane stories behind his songs.

Recurring Characters: Bruce Springsteen.

Transcript

Foster the People with Kenny G performs “Houdini”

TinyballsSummary: In a new movie trailer, a baseball coach (Taran Killam) improves the performance of his team by agreeing to let a dealer (Ben Stiller) inject them with steroids.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Buy.com Monthly Coupon

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and fellow criminal (Ben Stiller) try to scare a trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

P90XSummary: An extreme home fitness demonstration.

Gaddaffi’s HideoutSummary: Muammer Gaddafi (Fred Armisen) hides in his cave and plays music.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/08/11: Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3




















11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories

DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim PedradMC George Castanza…..Jay Pharoah
Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
Eckhart Tolle…..Ben Stiller

[ open on fiery graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!

Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster!

DJ Supersoak: And in case you didn’t notice, it’s time for the most dope-tastic holiday of the year!

Together: COLUMBUS DAY!!

Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!! And what better way to celebrate, than by coming to this SWEET-ASS festival, yo!

Announcer: Announcing the first-ever Columbus Day Assblast!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: We got performances from all the hottest underground rap and rock bands!

Announcer: These bands will… GIVE! QUEEN ISABELLA! POLYPS!!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: With performances by: Sploink! SMC Hammertoe! Baby Nutsack! The Lesbian Forest! Yo Gabba Gabba! Crucifying Kudrow! And a very special a cappella performance… by Mrs. Potato Dick!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: The Columbis Day Assblast is ALSO about giving back! Here to tell you more, is MC George Castanza!

[ cut to MC George Castanza ]

MC George Castanza: Yo! We got a NEW charity for y’all, it’s called…

Announcer: DIRT FOR NATIVE AMERICANS!

MC George Castanza: When we came to America, Columbus stole all the Native Americans’ land! Now, we’re giving a bunch of it BACK! So bring us your LOOSE DIRT! Whoooo! Divots! [ he makes a squakly sound ] And full-on mud clumps, and we’ll give YOU:

Announcer: A FRONT WEDGIE!!

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got some fresh-ass special guests, y’all!

Lil’ Blaster: You get to hang with the robot from “…Batteries Not Included”!

DJ Supersoak: Party with the cast of ABC’s hit show “Dinosaurs”!

Announcer: [ over group photo of actors ] WITHOUT THEIR COSTUMES!!

Lil Blaster: Or, just have group sex with the Kia Gerbils! Damn! And you KNOW our friend Ass Dan will be in full effect!

[ cut to Ass Dan standing in front of a van ]

Ass Dan: Ohhhhhhhhh, yeaaahh!! You KNOW I’m still alive — BITCH!! I’m gonna live… [ he grabs his arm ] I think I’m having a heart attack… [ he straightens himsefl ] Nah, it’s cool. It passed. [ he gets cocky again ] Yeah, BITCH!! You KNOW I’m gonna live for —

[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: “Ass Dan, 1981-2011” ]

DJ Supersoak: Worried you won’t be able to cheat on your girlfriend?

Announcer: [ with SUPER ] YOU WILL!

Lil’ Blaster: ‘Cuase the festival’s gonna be crawling with THREE Hispanic prostitutes!

Announcer: [ over graphics ] Nina! Pinta! And Scuzzy Beth!

Lil’ Blaster: There’s gonna be so much DUMB STUFF to do! Like show your little-ass boobs to an old guy!

DJ Supersoak: Get real high and cry!

Lil’ Blaster: And, obviously, you can have a Crap-Off with The Shark himself — Greg Norman!

DJ Supersoak: Yo! I hear that gets gross!

Lil’ Blaster: Ha ha! I ain’t shy!

DJ Supersoak: [ high-fiving her ] I know that, kiddo! Yo! You MUST swing by Eckhart Tolle’s Power Now booth! He’s gonna scramble up your brain, yo!

[ cut to Eckhart Tolle ]

Eckhart Tolle: [ slowly ] The true key… to spiritual… fulfillment… is simply… [ he stares quietly ] [ return to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: Yo! We gotta move on and come back later to heaer the end of that long-ass sentence!

Lil’ Blaster: That dude blinks too much! But he has me appreciating the now! Let’s sheck back and see if his pause is over!

[ return to Eckhart Tolle, now with a tear falling from his eye ]

DJ Supersoak: Ohhh, snap! That little effer’s crying now!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: ASSBLAST!!

Lil’ Blaster: You can play FarmVille… with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed! And the Taco Bell dog announces his next project!

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] HIS DEATH!!

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got some horny-ass bonobos running all over this BITCH!!

[ reveal the bonobos, as DJ Supersoak laughs ]

DJ Supersoak: Hell, yeah!

Lil’ Blaster: You KNOW it sucks!

Announcer: Columbus Day Assblast!!

[ explosion ]

Lil’ Blaster: Get your tickets NOW — BITCHES!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/08/11: Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3










11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories

Bruce Springsteen…..Ben Stiller
Lil’ Stevie…..Fred Armisen

[ open on fake stock photos of Bruce Springsteen performing ]

Announcer: Bruce Springsteen. The Boss. You’ve loved his music for years. you’ve bought the re-issues, and you’ve bought the live bootlegs. But if you’re a TRUE Bruce fan, there’s one thing you’re missing to make your collection complete:

[ dissolve to Bruce Springsteen in concert ]

Bruce Springsteen: [ addressing the crowd ] …And my Daddy said to me, he said, “Son… you’d better be going to get a haircut!” And I said, “Sorry, Pops! But tonight… I’m going drag-racing by the old abandoned ferris wheel.” [ grunting ] “Hun! Hoo! Haa! Hay!”

[ the band licks their first beat, then the screen cut to the product slide ]

Announcer: It’s Bruce Springsteen: Just The Stories. A complete collection of the stories Bruce tells in between songs. Classic stories like: “Motorcycle Crash”… “Vietnam Draft Board”… “Lil Stevie (First Meeting)”… “My Brother Gave Me A Haircut With A Buck-knife”… “This One Time We All Got Bandanas”… and, of course, “Summer Jobs”:

[ dissolve to Bruce Springsteen in concert ]

Bruce Springsteen: [ addressing the crowd ] …When I was 16, I got a job stacking rust at a DIRT factory! And the summer after that, I got paid to keep turtles from crossing the turnpike! Then, the NEXT summer, my friends and I worked in a drive-in movie theater with no speakers. We got paid twenty cents an hour to lean in people’s windows and tell them what was happening. It was a good job… but it wasn’t as good as rock and roll! [ grunting ] “Hun! Hoo! Haa! Hay!”

[ the band licks their first beat, then the screen cut to the product slide ]

Announcer: Bruce remembers everything that EVER happened to him. And now, you will, too! And if you order today, you’ll receive a bonus DVD of “Lil’ Stevie: Tries A Story”.

Lil’ Stevie: So, the, uh… the guy loads up the sandwich with prosciut… you know. And it’s like, uh… you know. It’s like, uh… what do they call it now? Two books on top of the other! You know? Uh, I go to pay… and this fat bitch behind the counter…

Bruce Springsteen: [ interrupting ] You’re right, brother! [ grunting ] “Hun! Hoo! Haa! Hay!”

[ the band licks their first beat, then the screen cut to the product slide ]

Announcer: Bruce Springsteen: Just The Stories. Order today!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/08/11: Fox & Friends



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3












11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Fox & Friends

Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Lou the Fact Checker…..Fred Armisen
Hank Williams, Jr…..Jason sudeikis
Chris Brooks…..Ben Stiller

[ open on FOX graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Fox and Friends”.

[ dissolve to set ]

Steve Doocy: Welcome back to “Fox and Friends”! I’m Steve Doocy. And joinging me, as always — Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade!

Gretchen Carlson: Good morning!

Brian Kilmeade: Happy Monday!

Steve Doocy: Well! It’s been two weeks, and this “Occupy Wall Street” business keeps going! And I, for one, don’t knoqw what these people want!

Gretchen Carlson: I’ll tell you what they need.

Brian Kilmeade: Uh-oh!

Steve Doocy: Look out!

Gretchen Carlson: A shower!

Brian Kilmeade: There she goes!

Steve Doocy: [ laughing ] What really gets me mad… is how people are now comparing Occupy Wall Street to the Tea Party.

Gretchen Carlson: You know, it’s apples and oranges.

Steve Doocy: It’s night and day!

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. Just Batman and bananas.

Gretchen Carlson: I mean, it’s nuts, okay? These protesters want anarchy… and, you know, all the Tea Party ever wanted was no government!

Steve Doocy: [ thinking ] I-isn’t that anarchy?

Gretchen Carlson: Uh — no! [ stumbling ] Anarchy is no government while people play bongos.

Steve Doocy: You know… and I gotta say, you young people have gotta be careful, ’cause it’s so easy to get sucked into this crazy mob mentality.

Brian Kilmeade: So true, so true. I once thought I was following a crowd of people into Yankee Stadium…but it turns out I was in a breast cancer walk. When it was over, I was ten miles from my car and I had to take the bus home.

Steve Doocy: Alright, now, now, get this. According to reports, the protests are costing the city of New York $1 trillion a day!

Brian Kilmeade: Wow… wow…

Gretchen Carlson: Now, that can’t be right.

Steve Doocy: That’s what I heard!

Gretchen Carlson: Okay. Well, when we have a question, we can always go to our fact-checker Lou. Lou?

[ cut to Lou glancing through notes that fall to the floor, so he casts a salute instead ]

Steve Doocy: Aw, good ol’ Lou, always keeping us honest! Alright, moving on. We had a little “incident” this week on “Fox & Friends”.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, yeah! It got weird!

Steve Doocy: We asked country music legend and voice of “Mondaty Night Football”, Hank Williams, Jr. to come on our show and, uh… let’s say he got himself into a little bit of trouble!

Steve Doocy: Uh, Mr. Williams campared President Obama to Hitler… and we just don’t say that on this show.

Brian Kilmeade: We imply it.

Steve Doocy: That’s right, that’s right. It’s called… manners.

Gretchen Carlson: Exactly! So, here to explain himself, is Hank Williams, Jr.

[ cut to Hank Williams, Jr. ]

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hey there, fellas! I know who the friends is, and who’s the fox! Lookin’ good, Gretchen!

Chris Brooks: Okay, hold up, Hank… [ leaning in ] If I, uh — if I may speak for Mr. Williams.

Steve Doocy: Uh, yeah… and, uh, who are you?

Chris Brooks: I’m Chris Brooks, Mr. Williams’ media representative. i’ll be speaking for him from this point forward. Now, I understand you’re upset, but you have to admit… YOU made a big mistake, by letting Mr. Williams come on your show… and speak for himself.

Hank Williams, Jr.: That’s right!

Chris Brooks: I mean, what did you think he would say? Look at him. He looks like a truck stop Santa Claus.

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ miming pulling a truck horn ] Ho, ho, ho-o-o-o-o-o!!

Steve Doocy: S-so… this is our fault?

Chris Brooks: Well, you had a big role in it… and Mr. Williams would like an apology.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hell, yeah! Apologize to Bocephus!

Chris Brooks: Hank, stop it… you’re not helping…

Hank Williams, Jr.: Of course I’m not helping, I’m crazy!

Chris Brooks: [ to the pundits ] You introduced Mr. Williams as a man who knew a “thing or two” about politics. Telling him he’s a political analyst is akin to giving a baby a gun.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hey! Don’t give a baby a gun! President Barack Hitler will just take it away!

Gretchen Carlson: [ smiling ] There he goes again!

Brian Kilmeade: He sure did!

Chris Brooks: You see? That’s what Hank does! He calls everyone he doesn’t like Hitler! He called some of his friends Hitler!

Hank Williams, Jr.: Yeah, most of them are good guys… except for Travis — he’s a real Hitler!

Steve Doocy: I-I’m sorry… I don’t see how this is our problem.

Chris Brooks: Like I said — you let him talk. Waht Mr. Williams is good at, is writing songs. Like, uh, “There’s a Tear in My Beer”… and sing-talking in front of cheerleaders from “Monday Night Football”.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hmm-hmm.

Chris Brooks: Now… he wants to make this right, and he wrote a song to prove it.

Steve Doocy: Well, let’s hear it.

Hank Williams, Jr.: You want me to sing it now?

Chris Brooks: Yes. Now.

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ screaming ]“Are you ready for an apology?!
Well, you NOT gonna get ooooone!
Because I calls ’em like I see ’em, and Obama’s –“

[ picture cuts out ]

Steve Doocy: Wow! Uh… well, I think I speak for all of us when I say: “Apology accepted!”

Gretchen Carlson: Let’s take a quick break. But, first, our fact-checkers have finished combing over the firs two hours of the show, and we have a few corrections!

[ a list of corrections SCROLL upward quickly, reading:

“The second president of the United States was John Quincy Adams, not Sam Adams summer Ale.

A movie and motion picture are the same thing.

Juice is a drinkable substance.

There are seven continents not one thousand.

The “West Memphis Three” is not a jazz quartet.

America is not currently under a “level 9 liberty alert”. There is no such thing as a “level 9 liberty alert.”

Presidential dog “Bo” Obama does not collect social security checks, nor is he an undocumented Peruvian housekeeper in disguise.

Julie Andrews is an award winning British actress. She has never been on trial for kidnapping.

Windows are typically made of glass

President Obama did not pardon Carmen Sandiego

Flu shots prevent influenza and have nothing to do with getting into heaven

Nancy Pelosi did not appear on an episode of River Monsters

There is not now, nor has there ever been a plan to air-consition the Grand Canyon

Herman Cain did not invent Pizza.

Christopher Columbus sailed to what is now the modern day United States in an effort to find a trade route to the West Indies. Not to flee the dragons.

No Transformers have ever been found on the moon.

Flo from the progressive Insurance ads is a living human being, not the ghost of a Civil War widow.

Africa is widely regarded to be the origin of the human specieis. It was not “discovered only a handful of years ago.”

The Jewish Holiday just celebrated was Rosh Hashanah not Rush Hot Bananas.

Nicholas Cage did not sign the Declaration of Independence.

There is no known connection between the Oklahoma City Bombing and The Bay City Rollers

Electric cars are not powered by electric eagles.

Carrying a child in a Baby Bjorn does not cause homsexuality, in the child or the adult.

The Washington Monument was not named after Denzel Washington. Nor was it named after the Washington Redskins.

The Pope does not hold a world record in speed skating.

Abraham Lincoln is not alive and living in Amish, Pennsylvania. There is no such place as Amish, Pennsylvania.

Mount Rushmore does not include the face of Spiderman.

There are indeed several laws that prohibit pointing a gun at a mail carrier.

Pocahontas was not named after a stripper.

Vermont still exists.

There is currently no bill before the house that would mandate the eating of flan on Thanksgiving.

Mary Magdalene was not eaten by a dinosaur.

General Tso did not win the Civil War for the Confederacy.

Rick Perry was not a contestant on “The Amazing Race” nor was he the winner of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge

“Time in a Bottle” was never the national anthem.

Whole Foods does not povide free abortions.” ]

Brian Kilmeade: See you after this quick break!

[ dissolve to FOX graphics ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts