SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/08/11: Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories

DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim PedradMC George Castanza…..Jay Pharoah
Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
Eckhart Tolle…..Ben Stiller

[ open on fiery graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!

Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster!

DJ Supersoak: And in case you didn’t notice, it’s time for the most dope-tastic holiday of the year!

Together: COLUMBUS DAY!!

Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!! And what better way to celebrate, than by coming to this SWEET-ASS festival, yo!

Announcer: Announcing the first-ever Columbus Day Assblast!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: We got performances from all the hottest underground rap and rock bands!

Announcer: These bands will… GIVE! QUEEN ISABELLA! POLYPS!!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: With performances by: Sploink! SMC Hammertoe! Baby Nutsack! The Lesbian Forest! Yo Gabba Gabba! Crucifying Kudrow! And a very special a cappella performance… by Mrs. Potato Dick!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: The Columbis Day Assblast is ALSO about giving back! Here to tell you more, is MC George Castanza!

[ cut to MC George Castanza ]

MC George Castanza: Yo! We got a NEW charity for y’all, it’s called…


MC George Castanza: When we came to America, Columbus stole all the Native Americans’ land! Now, we’re giving a bunch of it BACK! So bring us your LOOSE DIRT! Whoooo! Divots! [ he makes a squakly sound ] And full-on mud clumps, and we’ll give YOU:

Announcer: A FRONT WEDGIE!!

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got some fresh-ass special guests, y’all!

Lil’ Blaster: You get to hang with the robot from “…Batteries Not Included”!

DJ Supersoak: Party with the cast of ABC’s hit show “Dinosaurs”!

Announcer: [ over group photo of actors ] WITHOUT THEIR COSTUMES!!

Lil Blaster: Or, just have group sex with the Kia Gerbils! Damn! And you KNOW our friend Ass Dan will be in full effect!

[ cut to Ass Dan standing in front of a van ]

Ass Dan: Ohhhhhhhhh, yeaaahh!! You KNOW I’m still alive — BITCH!! I’m gonna live… [ he grabs his arm ] I think I’m having a heart attack… [ he straightens himsefl ] Nah, it’s cool. It passed. [ he gets cocky again ] Yeah, BITCH!! You KNOW I’m gonna live for —

[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: “Ass Dan, 1981-2011” ]

DJ Supersoak: Worried you won’t be able to cheat on your girlfriend?

Announcer: [ with SUPER ] YOU WILL!

Lil’ Blaster: ‘Cuase the festival’s gonna be crawling with THREE Hispanic prostitutes!

Announcer: [ over graphics ] Nina! Pinta! And Scuzzy Beth!

Lil’ Blaster: There’s gonna be so much DUMB STUFF to do! Like show your little-ass boobs to an old guy!

DJ Supersoak: Get real high and cry!

Lil’ Blaster: And, obviously, you can have a Crap-Off with The Shark himself — Greg Norman!

DJ Supersoak: Yo! I hear that gets gross!

Lil’ Blaster: Ha ha! I ain’t shy!

DJ Supersoak: [ high-fiving her ] I know that, kiddo! Yo! You MUST swing by Eckhart Tolle’s Power Now booth! He’s gonna scramble up your brain, yo!

[ cut to Eckhart Tolle ]

Eckhart Tolle: [ slowly ] The true key… to spiritual… fulfillment… is simply… [ he stares quietly ] [ return to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: Yo! We gotta move on and come back later to heaer the end of that long-ass sentence!

Lil’ Blaster: That dude blinks too much! But he has me appreciating the now! Let’s sheck back and see if his pause is over!

[ return to Eckhart Tolle, now with a tear falling from his eye ]

DJ Supersoak: Ohhh, snap! That little effer’s crying now!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: ASSBLAST!!

Lil’ Blaster: You can play FarmVille… with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed! And the Taco Bell dog announces his next project!

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] HIS DEATH!!

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got some horny-ass bonobos running all over this BITCH!!

[ reveal the bonobos, as DJ Supersoak laughs ]

DJ Supersoak: Hell, yeah!

Lil’ Blaster: You KNOW it sucks!

Announcer: Columbus Day Assblast!!

[ explosion ]

Lil’ Blaster: Get your tickets NOW — BITCHES!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 09/24/11: Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

free shipping 728x90

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Steve Martin
…..Seth Rogen

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Alec Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! [ waving off the audience applause ] Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much. I’m Alec Baldwin, and I’m DELIGHTED to be hosting the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live”. This is my 16th time hosting! [ the audience cheers ] Which means that, tonight, I am passing Steve Martin, and setting a new record for the most times hosting “SNL”. Now, a lot of people make a big deal about the record. I don’t really care about that, it’s not a competition — because if it was, I’ve won! But, when you think about it, time is on my side. What is Steve — 100? So… no matter how many times he hosts, I’ll always have time to catch up. Steve and I, by the way, are friends. We were in “It’s Complicated” together, and, uh, when I hosted the Oscars — Steve was a big help. He’s very talented. Uh, what’s that thing he plays, the round guitar thing that Kermit the Frog plays? The BANJO! Yeah, the banjo, thank you.

But, you know, I’ve made so many memories over the years, and I’ve played so many characters… but the one sketch people always ask me about is Pete Schweddy and his famous Schweddy Balls! [ the audience cheers ] And now, Schweddy Balls is its own Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor. Now — true story, true story — there’s a family organization that is angry about the name, because they think it’s INAPPROPRIATE for the grocery store aisle. Well, if you don’t like Schweddy Balls, Ben & Jerry has a new ice cream flavor JUST for you — it’s called “Go Fudge Yourself!” [ the audience laughs] But — [ he looks offstage ] ohhhh!

[ Steve Martin enters to thunderous applause ]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, really? Oh, really? [ he stands back ]

Steve Martin: Welllll, aren’t we proud of ourselves?

Alec Baldwin: Steve, what are you doing here?

Steve Martin: Oh, I was just passing by the studio in full make-up… and I heard you were breaking my hosting record and, while I’m happy for you, I wanted to make sure you were doing it without the use of steroids or performance enhancing drugs.

Alec Baldwin: Well, that’s ridiculous! I’m hosting completely steroid-free!

Steve Martin: Well, then you won’t mind… [ he holds up a cup ] giving us a little sample.

Alec Baldwin: You expect me to do that in front of everyone?

Steve Martin: Of course not. Uh — people!

[ medical equipment is wheeled in ]

Alec Baldwin: Who are they?

Steve Martin: I brought along a medical team, AND an expert on drug use.

[ Seth Rogen awkwardly steps on stage, to thunderous applause ]

Steve Martin: Thank you! [ to Baldwin ] Let’s get to it.

Alec Baldwin: Ohhhhh, Steve! You’re my nemesis!

Steve Martin: [ with sinister chuckling ] Oh-ho, Alec Baldwin! You don’t even know how to pronounce the word “nuh-me-sis”!

Alec Baldwin: Let’s get this over with!

[ Baldwin takes the cup and steps behind a curtain to pee ]

Steve Martin: I wonder if my being out here counts as a hosting? Could you check that for me?

Seth Rogen: Yeah, yeah… no problem, no problem. [ he punches it into his cellphone ] No… no, it doesn’t count. Sorry.

Steve Martin: Hmmmm… how many hits came up when you searched my name?

Seth Rogen: Oh, a lot! 108!

Steve Martin: Whoa-ho! Bingo!

[ Baldwin returns ]

Alec Baldwin: Here’s your sample, Doctor!

Seth Rogen: Thank you!

[ Rogen begins to analyZe the sample alongside the other doctors, but Steve grabs it from him ]

Steve Martin: Oh, that won’t be necessary. [ he sqigs the urine and swishes it around in his mouth ] Aniasin… a little B-12… but no steroids. [ he takes another swig ] Let’s see… a little linguine vongole…

Alec Baldwin: AMAZING!

Steve Martin: There’s another flavor there… [ he glances at Baldwin’s crotch ] Cialis for daily use.

Alec Baldwin: DAMN you, Steve!

Steve Martin: But… no perofrmance enhancing drugs. Baldwin, you’re doing it fair and square.

Alec Baldwin: Thank you, Steve! [ he extends his hand ]

Steve Martin: I don’t believe you washed that. [ Baldwin withdraws his hand ] But, my sincere congratulations.

Alec Baldwin: Are we good now?

Steve Martin: We are good.

Alec Baldwin: Then will you say it with me, my friend?

Steve Martin: I sure will, pal.

Alec Baldwin: We’ve got a great show for you tonight!

Steve Martin: Radiohead is here!

Seth Rogen: So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/08/11: Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories

Bruce Springsteen…..Ben Stiller
Lil’ Stevie…..Fred Armisen

[ open on fake stock photos of Bruce Springsteen performing ]

Announcer: Bruce Springsteen. The Boss. You’ve loved his music for years. you’ve bought the re-issues, and you’ve bought the live bootlegs. But if you’re a TRUE Bruce fan, there’s one thing you’re missing to make your collection complete:

[ dissolve to Bruce Springsteen in concert ]

Bruce Springsteen: [ addressing the crowd ] …And my Daddy said to me, he said, “Son… you’d better be going to get a haircut!” And I said, “Sorry, Pops! But tonight… I’m going drag-racing by the old abandoned ferris wheel.” [ grunting ] “Hun! Hoo! Haa! Hay!”

[ the band licks their first beat, then the screen cut to the product slide ]

Announcer: It’s Bruce Springsteen: Just The Stories. A complete collection of the stories Bruce tells in between songs. Classic stories like: “Motorcycle Crash”… “Vietnam Draft Board”… “Lil Stevie (First Meeting)”… “My Brother Gave Me A Haircut With A Buck-knife”… “This One Time We All Got Bandanas”… and, of course, “Summer Jobs”:

[ dissolve to Bruce Springsteen in concert ]

Bruce Springsteen: [ addressing the crowd ] …When I was 16, I got a job stacking rust at a DIRT factory! And the summer after that, I got paid to keep turtles from crossing the turnpike! Then, the NEXT summer, my friends and I worked in a drive-in movie theater with no speakers. We got paid twenty cents an hour to lean in people’s windows and tell them what was happening. It was a good job… but it wasn’t as good as rock and roll! [ grunting ] “Hun! Hoo! Haa! Hay!”

[ the band licks their first beat, then the screen cut to the product slide ]

Announcer: Bruce remembers everything that EVER happened to him. And now, you will, too! And if you order today, you’ll receive a bonus DVD of “Lil’ Stevie: Tries A Story”.

Lil’ Stevie: So, the, uh… the guy loads up the sandwich with prosciut… you know. And it’s like, uh… you know. It’s like, uh… what do they call it now? Two books on top of the other! You know? Uh, I go to pay… and this fat bitch behind the counter…

Bruce Springsteen: [ interrupting ] You’re right, brother! [ grunting ] “Hun! Hoo! Haa! Hay!”

[ the band licks their first beat, then the screen cut to the product slide ]

Announcer: Bruce Springsteen: Just The Stories. Order today!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 09/24/11: Red Flag Parfum

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Red Flag Parfum

Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Men…..Andy Samberg, Taran Killam, Jason Sudeikis

[ open on attractive woman sauntering into a party atmosphere ]

Announcer: She can stop every conversation… just by entering the room.

[ all the men in the room turn their heads ]

Announcer: She can change your night… with a single look.

[ she stares one man down and makes her approach ]

Announcer: And if you ask her what she does… she’ll tell you.

[ she leans into the man’s ear and whispers: ]

Announcer: “I’m a dancer!”

Female Voiceover: Red… Flag…

Announcer: She’s gorgeous… wealthy… a free spirit… and her ex-boyfriend was a club promoter.

Female Voiceover: Red… Flag…

Announcer: She knows exactly where to go… exactly what to do… and all her friends are dudes.

Female Voiceover: Red… Flag…

[ the woman sips champagne, then hands the glass over to another man ]

Announcer: She’s exquisite… but she also lived in Vegas for eleven years.

[ the man sips the champagne, then spits it back into the glass and steps away ]

Female Voiceover: Red… Flag…

[ she attempts to make another man laugh by playing Peek-a-boo with the bottom of her dress ]

Announcer: She’s funny… but not funny like “Ha ha!”… funny like “Yikes!”

[ she sticks her funger in the man’s mouth, and he quickly gags it out ]

Female Voiceover: Red… Flag…

Announcer: And her pinky nail is waaay longer than her other nails.

[ she uses her pinky nail to scratch above her lip ]

Female Voiceover: That’s a major Red Flag.

[ the woman dances wildly with an uncorked bottle of champagne, as the men look on in disgust ]

Announcer: Red Flag Parfum, by Chanel. The only perfume that warns men:

[ she turns to leave the party ]

Woman: I’m fucking crazy!

[ she runs from the party ]

Announcer: Red Flag.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/08/11: Fox & Friends

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Fox & Friends

Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Lou the Fact Checker…..Fred Armisen
Hank Williams, Jr…..Jason sudeikis
Chris Brooks…..Ben Stiller

[ open on FOX graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Fox and Friends”.

[ dissolve to set ]

Steve Doocy: Welcome back to “Fox and Friends”! I’m Steve Doocy. And joinging me, as always — Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade!

Gretchen Carlson: Good morning!

Brian Kilmeade: Happy Monday!

Steve Doocy: Well! It’s been two weeks, and this “Occupy Wall Street” business keeps going! And I, for one, don’t knoqw what these people want!

Gretchen Carlson: I’ll tell you what they need.

Brian Kilmeade: Uh-oh!

Steve Doocy: Look out!

Gretchen Carlson: A shower!

Brian Kilmeade: There she goes!

Steve Doocy: [ laughing ] What really gets me mad… is how people are now comparing Occupy Wall Street to the Tea Party.

Gretchen Carlson: You know, it’s apples and oranges.

Steve Doocy: It’s night and day!

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. Just Batman and bananas.

Gretchen Carlson: I mean, it’s nuts, okay? These protesters want anarchy… and, you know, all the Tea Party ever wanted was no government!

Steve Doocy: [ thinking ] I-isn’t that anarchy?

Gretchen Carlson: Uh — no! [ stumbling ] Anarchy is no government while people play bongos.

Steve Doocy: You know… and I gotta say, you young people have gotta be careful, ’cause it’s so easy to get sucked into this crazy mob mentality.

Brian Kilmeade: So true, so true. I once thought I was following a crowd of people into Yankee Stadium…but it turns out I was in a breast cancer walk. When it was over, I was ten miles from my car and I had to take the bus home.

Steve Doocy: Alright, now, now, get this. According to reports, the protests are costing the city of New York $1 trillion a day!

Brian Kilmeade: Wow… wow…

Gretchen Carlson: Now, that can’t be right.

Steve Doocy: That’s what I heard!

Gretchen Carlson: Okay. Well, when we have a question, we can always go to our fact-checker Lou. Lou?

[ cut to Lou glancing through notes that fall to the floor, so he casts a salute instead ]

Steve Doocy: Aw, good ol’ Lou, always keeping us honest! Alright, moving on. We had a little “incident” this week on “Fox & Friends”.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, yeah! It got weird!

Steve Doocy: We asked country music legend and voice of “Mondaty Night Football”, Hank Williams, Jr. to come on our show and, uh… let’s say he got himself into a little bit of trouble!

Steve Doocy: Uh, Mr. Williams campared President Obama to Hitler… and we just don’t say that on this show.

Brian Kilmeade: We imply it.

Steve Doocy: That’s right, that’s right. It’s called… manners.

Gretchen Carlson: Exactly! So, here to explain himself, is Hank Williams, Jr.

[ cut to Hank Williams, Jr. ]

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hey there, fellas! I know who the friends is, and who’s the fox! Lookin’ good, Gretchen!

Chris Brooks: Okay, hold up, Hank… [ leaning in ] If I, uh — if I may speak for Mr. Williams.

Steve Doocy: Uh, yeah… and, uh, who are you?

Chris Brooks: I’m Chris Brooks, Mr. Williams’ media representative. i’ll be speaking for him from this point forward. Now, I understand you’re upset, but you have to admit… YOU made a big mistake, by letting Mr. Williams come on your show… and speak for himself.

Hank Williams, Jr.: That’s right!

Chris Brooks: I mean, what did you think he would say? Look at him. He looks like a truck stop Santa Claus.

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ miming pulling a truck horn ] Ho, ho, ho-o-o-o-o-o!!

Steve Doocy: S-so… this is our fault?

Chris Brooks: Well, you had a big role in it… and Mr. Williams would like an apology.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hell, yeah! Apologize to Bocephus!

Chris Brooks: Hank, stop it… you’re not helping…

Hank Williams, Jr.: Of course I’m not helping, I’m crazy!

Chris Brooks: [ to the pundits ] You introduced Mr. Williams as a man who knew a “thing or two” about politics. Telling him he’s a political analyst is akin to giving a baby a gun.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hey! Don’t give a baby a gun! President Barack Hitler will just take it away!

Gretchen Carlson: [ smiling ] There he goes again!

Brian Kilmeade: He sure did!

Chris Brooks: You see? That’s what Hank does! He calls everyone he doesn’t like Hitler! He called some of his friends Hitler!

Hank Williams, Jr.: Yeah, most of them are good guys… except for Travis — he’s a real Hitler!

Steve Doocy: I-I’m sorry… I don’t see how this is our problem.

Chris Brooks: Like I said — you let him talk. Waht Mr. Williams is good at, is writing songs. Like, uh, “There’s a Tear in My Beer”… and sing-talking in front of cheerleaders from “Monday Night Football”.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hmm-hmm.

Chris Brooks: Now… he wants to make this right, and he wrote a song to prove it.

Steve Doocy: Well, let’s hear it.

Hank Williams, Jr.: You want me to sing it now?

Chris Brooks: Yes. Now.

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ screaming ]“Are you ready for an apology?!
Well, you NOT gonna get ooooone!
Because I calls ’em like I see ’em, and Obama’s –“

[ picture cuts out ]

Steve Doocy: Wow! Uh… well, I think I speak for all of us when I say: “Apology accepted!”

Gretchen Carlson: Let’s take a quick break. But, first, our fact-checkers have finished combing over the firs two hours of the show, and we have a few corrections!

[ a list of corrections SCROLL upward quickly, reading:

“The second president of the United States was John Quincy Adams, not Sam Adams summer Ale.

A movie and motion picture are the same thing.

Juice is a drinkable substance.

There are seven continents not one thousand.

The “West Memphis Three” is not a jazz quartet.

America is not currently under a “level 9 liberty alert”. There is no such thing as a “level 9 liberty alert.”

Presidential dog “Bo” Obama does not collect social security checks, nor is he an undocumented Peruvian housekeeper in disguise.

Julie Andrews is an award winning British actress. She has never been on trial for kidnapping.

Windows are typically made of glass

President Obama did not pardon Carmen Sandiego

Flu shots prevent influenza and have nothing to do with getting into heaven

Nancy Pelosi did not appear on an episode of River Monsters

There is not now, nor has there ever been a plan to air-consition the Grand Canyon

Herman Cain did not invent Pizza.

Christopher Columbus sailed to what is now the modern day United States in an effort to find a trade route to the West Indies. Not to flee the dragons.

No Transformers have ever been found on the moon.

Flo from the progressive Insurance ads is a living human being, not the ghost of a Civil War widow.

Africa is widely regarded to be the origin of the human specieis. It was not “discovered only a handful of years ago.”

The Jewish Holiday just celebrated was Rosh Hashanah not Rush Hot Bananas.

Nicholas Cage did not sign the Declaration of Independence.

There is no known connection between the Oklahoma City Bombing and The Bay City Rollers

Electric cars are not powered by electric eagles.

Carrying a child in a Baby Bjorn does not cause homsexuality, in the child or the adult.

The Washington Monument was not named after Denzel Washington. Nor was it named after the Washington Redskins.

The Pope does not hold a world record in speed skating.

Abraham Lincoln is not alive and living in Amish, Pennsylvania. There is no such place as Amish, Pennsylvania.

Mount Rushmore does not include the face of Spiderman.

There are indeed several laws that prohibit pointing a gun at a mail carrier.

Pocahontas was not named after a stripper.

Vermont still exists.

There is currently no bill before the house that would mandate the eating of flan on Thanksgiving.

Mary Magdalene was not eaten by a dinosaur.

General Tso did not win the Civil War for the Confederacy.

Rick Perry was not a contestant on “The Amazing Race” nor was he the winner of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge

“Time in a Bottle” was never the national anthem.

Whole Foods does not povide free abortions.” ]

Brian Kilmeade: See you after this quick break!

[ dissolve to FOX graphics ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 09/24/11: Turner Classic Movies

free shipping 728x90

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Turner Classic Movies

Written by: Zach Kanin

Captain…..Alec Baldwin
Private…..Taran Killam
Thomas……Bobby Moynihan
Lieutenant…..Fred Armisen

[ open on TCM logo ]

Announcer: We now return to the 1956 classic “Angels in the Trenches.”

[ dissolve to scene: soldiers firing rifles in the trenches ] [ there’s an explosion, and the Captain’s down ]

Private: Captain! Are you alright?!

Captain: I’m shot! Oh, God, I think I’m dying!

Private: Captain, NO!

Captain: Oh, yes, it’s true! I’m not gonna make it, Private! Can you deliver a message for me?

Private: Of course, sir! Anything!

Captain: Tell my wife I love her.

Private: I will tell her on my honor.

Captain: And tell my son…

Private: Yes, Captain?

Captain: Tell my son… there’s no Santa Claus…

Private: Are, are you sure you want me to do that, sir?

Captain: Yes! You must! And explain to him how sex works!

Private: Um… maybe someone else should tell him this stuff.

Captain: I’m dying, Private… I can see the light…

Private: Okay! Okay, I’ll tell him! You rest easy, Captain.

Captain: One last thing.

Private: Yes.

Captain: Tell my son that a cripple isn’t a full human being.

Private: What?! Why?!

Captain: It is my final wish! Promise me!

Private: I promise.

Captain: And tell my wife’s sister I love her —

Private: Her sister?!

Captain: More than my wife. Make sure they BOTH know I love her more than my wife! Alright?

Private: Maybe I should get a pen and paper…

Captain: I’m so cold… so very cold.

Private: [ unbuttoning his jacket ] Here, Captain — take my jacket.

Captain: Tell my son that you killed me!

Private: Me?!

Captain: Please! I think it will give him some closure.

Private: Captain! Why would I kill you?

Captain: ‘Cause it’s my dying wish, Private.

[ an explosion, as Thomas is shot ]

Thomas: NOOOOO!!!! OH, I’vE BEEN HIT!! OH!!

[ the Private runs over ]

Thomas: Oh! Am I gonna make it?!

Private: It doesn’t look good.

Thomas: [ catching his breath ] Can you do something for me?

Private: Anything!

Thomas: Please… tell my wife that I’m working late!

Private: But — but you’re DYING!

Thomas: She’ll NEVER let me live this down!

[ an explosion, as the Lieutentant is shot ]

Lieutenant: Now I’M dying!

Private: One second! [ he rushes over ] LIEUTENANT!!

Lieutenant: [ catching his breath ] I want you to write a letter to my congressman.

Private: A letter?!

Lieutenant: Yes! Tell him there’s a pothole on Dumont Street. Tell him it’s so big, they should call it Dumont Crater instead of Dumont Street.

Private: Okay…

Captain: PRIVATE!! Back to me!

Private: [ rushing over ] What is it, Captain?

Captain: [ whipping out a leopard-print negligee ] I want you to put this on and dance around for me!

Private: I’m NOT gonna do that!

Captain: Okay, it was worth a shot! Listen — I want you to dress up like a doctor and tell my brother he’s got cancer. Trust me!

Private: [ outraged ] NO!!

Captain: It’ll be hilarious!


Private: [ rushing over ] Yes, Thomas?

Thomas: [ catching his breath ] Tell your mother… she’s so fat she doesn’t have a lazy eye, she’s got a ribeye!

Private: [ confused ] My mother?!

Thomas: Yeah!

Lieutenant: And tell her she’s so fat… the zoning board called and said if she gains any more weight… she’s gonna have to install… a second butthole!

Private: Im’ not gonna tell her that!

Thomas: Please..! Tell your mother… [ he catches his breath ] that she is SO fat… [ he catches his breath ] That’s all! Just, please! Please tell her that she’s fat…

[ Thomas dies ]


[ Private rushes over ]

Captain: Tell your mother that she’s… [ he grity his teeth ]

Private: WHAT?! What, that she’s FAT?!

Captain: She’s… [ he grits his teeth and falls dead ]

Private: Captain! [ he looks around ] Okay… I’ll tell her. I’ll tell my mother she’s FAT!

[ the Private salutes, as the screen reads “The End” and fades ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 09/24/11: Who’s On Top?

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Who’s On Top?

Vince Blake…..Bill Hader
Paul…..Alec Baldwin
Madeline…..Vanessa Bayer
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: And now, it’s time to play everyone’s favrotie game of strategy:

Audience: “Who’s! On! Top?!”

Announcer: And here’s your host — Vince Blake!

[ Vince Blake runs out ]

Vince Blake: Hello, everyone! Welcome to another edition of “Who’s On Top?” We’ve got three great contestants today. You folks ready to play?

Madeline: Yes!

Jason: You bet!

Paul: You know it, Vince!

Vince Blake: Alright, the rules are simple: As we all know, when two gay men have sex, one person is the top, and one is the bottom. We’ll show you two male celebrities, who — hypothetically — could have sex, and you decide Whooooooo’s On Top?

Jason: No. [ laughing ] No, no. No, thank you, I’m not playing this. [ to the other two contestants ] Good luck,nice meeting you. [ he exits ]

Vince Blake: Well, as usual, explaining the rules has cost us a contestant. Paul, Madeline, are you still ready to play?

Madeline: Sure!

Paul: One-hundred percent!

Vince Blake: It’s a simple game. for instance, if I saud Hannity & Colmes: Who’s On Top? The answer would be?

Paul & Madeline: Hannity!

Vince Blake: Obviously! Obviously. Alright, Paul, you’re up first, and here’s your question: We’ve rocked out to their songs for over THIRTY years; between them, they’ve sold almost 300 million albums; but if Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen had sex, tell me: Whooooooo’s On Top?

Paul: Ohhhhhh… That’s an excellent question, let me think this through, uh… uh… The easy answer would be that Bruce is on top, because he’s the Boss. But it can’t be that simple. Physically speaking, Bruce is more muscular, but Joel’s a buldog…

Vince Blake: Ten more minutes.

Paul: Don’t rush me! Uh… let’s see, Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen are both legends, but Bruce has always stayed humble and he takes pride in a hard day’ work, even if it ain’t pretty. Uh, BILLY JOEL’S on top!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: Correct!

Paul: Ahhh!

Vince Blake: Alright, Paul, you’re in the lead with $10,000! As always, I have to point out we here at “Who’s On Top?” are in NO WAY insinuating that ANYONE mentioned on this show is or has ever been gay, etc. etc. etc., blah blah blah blah! Alright! Madeline, you’re up! They are two of cinema’s favorite international stars, but if Roberto Benigni and Gerard Depardieu had sex… Whoooooooo’s On Top?

Madeline: Uh… shoot! I KNOW this! Okay. Well… Benigni’s a squirmer, so he would be hard to hold down. Um… but if anyone can do it, it’s Gerard. So… um… I’m gonna say GERARD DEPARDIEU’s on top!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blake: Sorry, Madeline. You forgot Depardieu is French, and therefore a BOTTOM!

Madeline: [ throwing her hands in defeat ] Of course!

Vince Blake: Yes. Yes. Well, Paul, you’re back up. They delighted millions of children in “The Lion King”… but when Timon and Pumba have gay sex, Whooooooo’s On Top?

Paul: Oh, I was just thinking about this. Uh… Timon and Oumba, of course their motto was “Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase, Hakuna Matata, ain’t no passing craze, it’s a problem-free philosophy, Hakuna Matata”… [ thinking ] There IS no top! They trade off positions evenly! It’s a circle of life!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: That is correct! That is correct! That’s great. Let’s pause now for a word from one of our sponsors. [ a beat ] What? Still no sponsors? I can’t blame them. Alright, let’s keep playing. Paul, you’re in the lead, so you move on to our Lightning Round. But don’t worry, Madeline isn’t leaving empty-handed — she’ll be going home with the “Who’s On Top?” Home Edition!

[ reveal home edition slide ]

Paul: Uh, Vince? I’d just like to say that when the show began, I thought it might be a reckless game of sexual gossip. Uh, but if you use your instincts about personality and status, you’ll see that these ARE the right answers.

Vince Blake: That’s right. It’s a SMART game! Let’s go to the Lightning Round.

[ Vince and paul step into the circle together ]

Vince Blake: Okay, Paul. In this round, I’m going to ask you to picture tow men having sex —

Paul: DONE!!

Vince Blake: Uh — let me finish! Of those two, you’ll try to guess as many TOPS as you can before tiem runs out. Alright? Annnd… GO! Mark Twain and Seth Green — Who’s On Top?

Paul: Oh, please! Mark Twain.

Vince Blake: Correct! Kimbo Slice, the old man from “Up” — Who’s On Top?

Paul: Surprisingly, the old man from “Up”.

Vince Blake: Correct! ’70’s Kenny Rogers, Kenny Rogers now — Who’s On Top?

Paul: Uh, I-I-I don’t want to picture that! Pass!

Vince Blake: Correct! Paul Giamatti —

Paul: The other guy!

Vince Blake: Correct! Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil — Who’s On Top?

Paul: Oprah Winfrey!

Vince Blake: Correct! Final question! Final question! The cast of “Entourage” — if they all had sex, put them in order from bottom to top!

Paul: Oh, crap! Okay… Turtle’s on the bottom… but now it gets trickly. Drama wouldn’t be next, he’s too proud —

Vince Blake: 45 minutes.

Paul: Uh… I got it! I got it! Uh — Turtle… E… Drama… Ari… Vinnie’s on top… while Scott Caan watches!

[ ding ding ding! ]

Vince Blake: You just won $600,000! You can walk away now, or LOSE IT ALL!

Paul: I WANT TO LOSE IT ALL!! [ electorni flushing sound effect ] What?!

Vince Blake: Well, too bad. That’s all for today! Stay tuned for the Gay Sex Elimination Show! Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 09/24/11: Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVD

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVD

Voice of Director…..Paul Brittain
Tony Danza…..Fred Armisen
Al Pacino…..Alec Baldwin
Harvey Fierstein…..Bill Hader
Paula Abdul…..Nasim Pedrad
Alan Alda…..Bill Hader
Crispin Glover…..Andy Samberg
Tom Hanks…..Taran Killam
Sinbad…..Kenan Thompson
Mindy Cohn…..Bobby Moynihan
Prince…..Fred Armisen
Bobcat Goldthwait…..Taran Killam

[ open on “Top Gun” film footage ]

Announcer: 25 years ago, Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer took to the sky, to see who would become… “Top Gun”! And now, you can experience the high-flying action all over again, with the 25th Anniversary DVD of “Top Gun”! Including never-before seen screen tests!

[ cut to archive screen test footage ]

Director’s Voice: Tony Danza screen test.

Tony Danza: “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you that! It’s classy fries!”

Director’s Voice: No, it’s “classified.”

Tony Danza: Ohhhhhhh! I thought it was like classy fries, you know, like, curly fries.

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Al Pacino!

Al Pacino: “I got a need! I got a real need for speed! You got no i-dee-uh! Where am I at! …In regards to speed?”

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Harvey Fierstein.

Harvey Fierstein: [ confused ] This is not a gay film?

Director’s Voice: No.

Harvey Fierstein: But it says in the script that we play volleyball in jean shorts.

Director’s Voice: It’s not a gay film…

Harvey Fierstein: I say: “Iceman’s on my tail, he’s coming hard.” I literally said that to a bathroom attendant last night.

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Paula Abdul.

[ Paula does her “Straight Up” dance moves ]

Director’s Voice: No!

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Alan Alda.

Alan Alda: “Son… your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash!” [ he smiles ] Oh, you know, that is a terrific line! I feel like I understand EVERYTHING about this movie! Just from the one line! That’s good writing! And I don’t know FUCK about airplanes!

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Crispin Glover.

Crispin Glover: [ with hands clenched ] “Get your damn hands off her… Iceman!”

Director’s Voice: Wow.

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Tom Hanks. Okay, and action!

Tom Hanks: “Re-quest-ing a fly-byyyy! Ghooooost! Ghoooooost!

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Sinbad, Take 35.

Sinbad: “MAN, you got to be out of your MIND to go upside-down like that! What you got, brain damage?!” [ he puts his helmet down and picks up a microphone ] And what’s with girls today, huh?! They don’t even wear bikinis any more! All they do is put on a little DENTAL FLOSS like this: [ he pulls on his pants at his ass ] “Oh! Where’s the beef? Somebody tell me where the beef is at!”

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Natalie, from “The Facts of Life”.

Mindy Cohn: “Hey, Goose! You big stud! Take me to bed, or lose me forever!” [ she giggles ] [ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Prince. Take 1.

[ Prince hides behind aspotlight ]

Director’s Voice: Prince?

[ cut back to Al Pacino’s audition ]

Al Pacino: …And if I’m flying the plane, and all of a sudden a bird shits on the windshield — what happens then? What happens then? I’m over AFGHANISTAN! I’m dropping BOMBS on AFGHANISTAN, and a bird takes a GIANT shit on the windshield! What… do I do?

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Bobcat Goldthwait.

Bobcat Goldthwait: I’m Bobcat Goldthwait… and I’m waiting for the part of FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!

Director’s Voice: No, it’s “Iceman.”

Bobcat Goldthwait: ICEMAN?! [ he screams ] [ return to Harvey Fierstein’s audition ]

Harvey Fierstein: The last line in the movie is, uh, “You can ride my tail any time”? Guys! That’s, like, my mantra.

[ cut to “Top Gun” product footage ]

Announcer: Own it today!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 09/24/11: Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 1

This free script provided by]]>

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Tony Bennett…..Alec Baldwin

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Here are tonight’s top stories:

President Obama, on Monday, defended his new proposed tax rate for millionaires, saying: “This is not class warfare, it’s math.” Which is unfortunate, since America is way better at warfare than math.

During a speech in New York on Tuesday, Governor Rick Perry criticized President Obama’s stance toward Israel, calling it “naïve, arrogant, misguided and dangerous.” Which is odd because I thought that was Perry’s campaign slogan.

On Tuesday, which was the day that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” officially ended, Marine officials went to gay community centers to recruit new troops. Gay community centers? Oh! Gyms! They went to gyms.

Facebook, on Thursday, announced a major change to its interface called “Timeline,” which will let users share pictures and videos in real time. Because we’ve all been thinking: “Come at me FASTER, other peoples’ sonograms!”

British consumers say they are confused by new terms the fashion industry is using these days, such as “spants” and “swacket”. While American consumers are confused by fashion terms like “medium” and “small”.

Forbes released their annual list of the 400 richest Americans, with Bill Gates at the top of the list with $59 billion. Man, it really is amazing how much money you can save when you cut your own hair!

Seth Meyers: Well, it’s Fall… and here to talk about what’s exciting at the movies this season, is an old friend — Mr. Tony Bennett!

Tony Bennett: Thank you! Thank you very much! Hit it, fellas!

[ big band music begins to play ] [ singing ]“I like things that are great!
Movies are fantastic!
But one thing’s for sure —
I like flicks… that are greaaaaaat!

Thank you! Thank you! Thanks a whole helluva lot! Seth, what a great, great desk!

Seth Meyers: Well, you know, uh — welcome to “Weekend Update”, Tony!

Tony Bennett: Seth, you look great. You were a suit like Marilyn wore a dress — everything’s pooling in the right place!

Seth Meyers: Ah, thanks! I worked out a lot this summer with Anderson Cooper.

Tony Bennett: That guy has got SNOW on the roof, and FIRE in the oven!

Seth Meyers: [ shaking it off ] I understand you like going to the movies.

Tony Bennett: Seth, let me tell you: Sitting in the dark next to a pretty girl sporting a great shape, and scarfing down some CHARLESTON CHEWS! Call me a happy clam!

Seth Meyers: So who is your favorite actor these days?

Tony Bennett: That Ryan Gosling sure is the toast of the town. But you know who I’d love to see on the Silver Screen again? JOHN GARFIELD! He left us too soon when he croaked on top of a chick-for-hire. He was a great, great, Jewish leading man. I used to call him my HE-BRO!

Seth Meyers: So what are your favorite films — what are your favorite films so far this Fall?

Tony Bennett: Well, one movie that is really knocking it out of the park… is “CONTAGION”!

Seth Meyers: Oh, that one looks good. Is it scary?

Tony Bennett: Oh, I jumped once or twice, but there was a stray tuxedo tomcat running under the seats and he really scared the BEJEEBUS BECHRISTMAS out of me! He was a great, great cat. I wanted to SNATCH HIM UP!! I hope he found a home.

Seth Meyers: [ confused ] So… “Contagion” is good or bad?

Tony Bennett: I’ll tell you — I’ll tell you, Seth, what the scariest one out there right now — “WAIT UNTIL DARK”!! Audrey Hepburn is STONE-COLD BLIND!! I dated a blind girl way back when — she had a SEEING-EYE MYNA BIRD!! It just sat on her shoulder and told her where to go! Bobby Darin and I once played a joke on her: He wore my cologne, and I watched them slow-dance and had to giggle into my dinner! She was as blind as a bat with a blindfold on, but, boy, that gal could dance! She was a great, great blind woman.

Hey, Seth! Hold that thought about Bobby Darin and me tag-teaming that poor sightless lady… [ he holds up a product ] I gotta toast our sponsor: POISE PADS!! You know, sometimes — sometimes when gals get older, they have trouble in the Number One Department. That’s why POISE PADS from KIMBERLY CLARK are just what the doctor ordered. When you got a DRIBBLE IN YOUR TRIBBLE!! I once had a woman come up to me after a concert at the Mohegan Sun, and I looked down and her culottes were DRENCHED!! Seth… Seth…

Seth Meyers: Yeah?

Tony Bennett: Seth, I took the woman to the Urgent Care to give her bladder a look-see — six hours later, the doctor walked in and said, “Mr. Bennett… it’s a boy.”

Seth Meyers: Are there any other movies you’ve seen? Like in the 2000’s?

Tony Bennett: I love the H-E-double-hockey-sticks out of “STORAGE WARS”!!

Seth Meyers: That’s a TV show.

Tony Bennett: And I love “The Smurfs”.

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Tony Bennett: I haven’t seen one go that blue since I went to BARBARA & DON RICKLES’ HOUSE for THANKSGIVING!! He gave the turkey lady-doctor exam, and I laughed ’til I cried! Then I just cried tears of joy, because that’s the holiday that always gets me, Seth. ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE!!

Seth Meyers: The great Tony Bennett, everybody!

Patti Stanger, the star of Bravo’s “Millionaire Matchmaker,” said this week that New York City women are “wound tight” and that they should “loosen up.” Oh, sure, but when I say it, I’m “harassing the dancers”.

A man in Minnesota was arrested for allegedly stealing Freon from a neighbor’s air conditioner and inhaling the chemical to get high. I don’t know where in Minnesota this was, but I’m guessing Rock Bottom.

An artist in England is selling jewelry crafted from human hair. She says the jewelry is just a way to support herself while she pursues her true passion: murdering people for hair.

A crew member on the new “Charlie’s Angels” show was fired Wednesday after he smacked star Minka Kelly on her rear end. In his defense, she had just done a really good job.

Ted Haggard, the disgraced Evangelical pastor who admitted to having a homosexual affair, is set to appear on a new ABC reality series “Celebrity Wife Swap.” Haggard signed on to the show before he found out you have to swap your wife for another wife.

PETA announced plans this week to launch a new porn website to help raise awareness about veganism by mixing images of naked woman and animal suffering. The worst part is at least one guy somewhere heard that and went “Finally! Yes!”

Several supermarket chains around the country have begun phasing out the self-service checkout machines, after studies showed that human cashiers were faster. And if you had asked me which humans would finally defeat the Machines, I would not have guessed supermarket cashiers.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!

SNL Transcripts