SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 09/24/11: Weekend Update with Seth Meyers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1


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11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Tony Bennett…..Alec Baldwin

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Here are tonight’s top stories:

President Obama, on Monday, defended his new proposed tax rate for millionaires, saying: “This is not class warfare, it’s math.” Which is unfortunate, since America is way better at warfare than math.

During a speech in New York on Tuesday, Governor Rick Perry criticized President Obama’s stance toward Israel, calling it “naïve, arrogant, misguided and dangerous.” Which is odd because I thought that was Perry’s campaign slogan.

On Tuesday, which was the day that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” officially ended, Marine officials went to gay community centers to recruit new troops. Gay community centers? Oh! Gyms! They went to gyms.

Facebook, on Thursday, announced a major change to its interface called “Timeline,” which will let users share pictures and videos in real time. Because we’ve all been thinking: “Come at me FASTER, other peoples’ sonograms!”

British consumers say they are confused by new terms the fashion industry is using these days, such as “spants” and “swacket”. While American consumers are confused by fashion terms like “medium” and “small”.

Forbes released their annual list of the 400 richest Americans, with Bill Gates at the top of the list with $59 billion. Man, it really is amazing how much money you can save when you cut your own hair!

Seth Meyers: Well, it’s Fall… and here to talk about what’s exciting at the movies this season, is an old friend — Mr. Tony Bennett!

Tony Bennett: Thank you! Thank you very much! Hit it, fellas!

[ big band music begins to play ] [ singing ]“I like things that are great!
Movies are fantastic!
But one thing’s for sure —
I like flicks… that are greaaaaaat!
Yeah!”

Thank you! Thank you! Thanks a whole helluva lot! Seth, what a great, great desk!

Seth Meyers: Well, you know, uh — welcome to “Weekend Update”, Tony!

Tony Bennett: Seth, you look great. You were a suit like Marilyn wore a dress — everything’s pooling in the right place!

Seth Meyers: Ah, thanks! I worked out a lot this summer with Anderson Cooper.

Tony Bennett: That guy has got SNOW on the roof, and FIRE in the oven!

Seth Meyers: [ shaking it off ] I understand you like going to the movies.

Tony Bennett: Seth, let me tell you: Sitting in the dark next to a pretty girl sporting a great shape, and scarfing down some CHARLESTON CHEWS! Call me a happy clam!

Seth Meyers: So who is your favorite actor these days?

Tony Bennett: That Ryan Gosling sure is the toast of the town. But you know who I’d love to see on the Silver Screen again? JOHN GARFIELD! He left us too soon when he croaked on top of a chick-for-hire. He was a great, great, Jewish leading man. I used to call him my HE-BRO!

Seth Meyers: So what are your favorite films — what are your favorite films so far this Fall?

Tony Bennett: Well, one movie that is really knocking it out of the park… is “CONTAGION”!

Seth Meyers: Oh, that one looks good. Is it scary?

Tony Bennett: Oh, I jumped once or twice, but there was a stray tuxedo tomcat running under the seats and he really scared the BEJEEBUS BECHRISTMAS out of me! He was a great, great cat. I wanted to SNATCH HIM UP!! I hope he found a home.

Seth Meyers: [ confused ] So… “Contagion” is good or bad?

Tony Bennett: I’ll tell you — I’ll tell you, Seth, what the scariest one out there right now — “WAIT UNTIL DARK”!! Audrey Hepburn is STONE-COLD BLIND!! I dated a blind girl way back when — she had a SEEING-EYE MYNA BIRD!! It just sat on her shoulder and told her where to go! Bobby Darin and I once played a joke on her: He wore my cologne, and I watched them slow-dance and had to giggle into my dinner! She was as blind as a bat with a blindfold on, but, boy, that gal could dance! She was a great, great blind woman.

Hey, Seth! Hold that thought about Bobby Darin and me tag-teaming that poor sightless lady… [ he holds up a product ] I gotta toast our sponsor: POISE PADS!! You know, sometimes — sometimes when gals get older, they have trouble in the Number One Department. That’s why POISE PADS from KIMBERLY CLARK are just what the doctor ordered. When you got a DRIBBLE IN YOUR TRIBBLE!! I once had a woman come up to me after a concert at the Mohegan Sun, and I looked down and her culottes were DRENCHED!! Seth… Seth…

Seth Meyers: Yeah?

Tony Bennett: Seth, I took the woman to the Urgent Care to give her bladder a look-see — six hours later, the doctor walked in and said, “Mr. Bennett… it’s a boy.”

Seth Meyers: Are there any other movies you’ve seen? Like in the 2000’s?

Tony Bennett: I love the H-E-double-hockey-sticks out of “STORAGE WARS”!!

Seth Meyers: That’s a TV show.

Tony Bennett: And I love “The Smurfs”.

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Tony Bennett: I haven’t seen one go that blue since I went to BARBARA & DON RICKLES’ HOUSE for THANKSGIVING!! He gave the turkey lady-doctor exam, and I laughed ’til I cried! Then I just cried tears of joy, because that’s the holiday that always gets me, Seth. ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE!!

Seth Meyers: The great Tony Bennett, everybody!

Patti Stanger, the star of Bravo’s “Millionaire Matchmaker,” said this week that New York City women are “wound tight” and that they should “loosen up.” Oh, sure, but when I say it, I’m “harassing the dancers”.

A man in Minnesota was arrested for allegedly stealing Freon from a neighbor’s air conditioner and inhaling the chemical to get high. I don’t know where in Minnesota this was, but I’m guessing Rock Bottom.

An artist in England is selling jewelry crafted from human hair. She says the jewelry is just a way to support herself while she pursues her true passion: murdering people for hair.

A crew member on the new “Charlie’s Angels” show was fired Wednesday after he smacked star Minka Kelly on her rear end. In his defense, she had just done a really good job.

Ted Haggard, the disgraced Evangelical pastor who admitted to having a homosexual affair, is set to appear on a new ABC reality series “Celebrity Wife Swap.” Haggard signed on to the show before he found out you have to swap your wife for another wife.

PETA announced plans this week to launch a new porn website to help raise awareness about veganism by mixing images of naked woman and animal suffering. The worst part is at least one guy somewhere heard that and went “Finally! Yes!”

Several supermarket chains around the country have begun phasing out the self-service checkout machines, after studies showed that human cashiers were faster. And if you had asked me which humans would finally defeat the Machines, I would not have guessed supermarket cashiers.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!

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