SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Benghazi Hearings

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 20

12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Benghazi Hearings

Darrell Issa…..Bill Hader
Elijah Cummings…..Kenan Thompson
Bailiff…..Tim Robinson
Jodi Arias…..Nasim Pedrad
Trey Gowdy…..Taran Killam
Ariel Castro…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span card ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span: In September 2012, the U.S. Consulate at Benghazi, Libya was overrun by Islamic militants. It led to the death of Ambassador Jay Christopher Stevens and three others. This week, the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform reopened hearings on the White House response to the attack.

[ dissolve to the Benghazi Hearings ]

Darrell Issa: [ banging his gavel ] Everyone will kindly take their seats, please! We welcome you to this, our third day of hearings on our government’s bungled response to the attacks last September on our consulate in Benghazi, Libya. Before I call our lead-off witness, may I first say how truly unfortunate it is that our mainstream media — with the exception of Fox News — has shown such a lack of interest in this important story. It’s a shame and a disgrace.

Elijah Cummings: Uh, Mr. Chairman?

Darrell Issa: Uh, the Chair recognizes the gentleman from Maryland.

Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, if I may: I think the reason that the media hasn’t covered these hearings is that everyone knows this is just a partisan witch hunt, and a chance to atack the President and Secretary-of-State Clinton.

Darrell Issa: While my Democratic colleague is welcomed to his opinion, I’d like to see him and his friends in the media ignore these hearings after they hear from our first witness! [ he smiels devilishly ] The Chair calls Miss Jodi Arias.

Bailiff: [ to Arias ] Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Jodi Arias: I do.

Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, I’m sorry, but Miss Arias is a 32-year old woman who was just convicted of killing her boyfriend. I FAIL to see what POSSIBLE insights or expertise that SHE could bring to the events in Benghazi!

Darrell Issa: I think you’ll be, uh, pleasantly surprised. Miss Arias is a poised and intelligent —

Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, if you ask ME… I think this witness has been called today for the SOLE purpose of boosting the ratings for these hearings! AND getting the media to cover them!

Darrell Issa: That is a very MEAN and HURTFUL thing for my colleague to suggest. And it hurts me very deeply. Do you realize how hard it was to book her? — Especially THIS week?!

Elijah Cummings: Whatever!

Darrell Issa: Representative Gowdy, your witness.

Trey Gowdy: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Uh, Miss Arias. Let’s talk about the events at Benghazi. When were you first made aware that our consulate was under attack?

Jodi Arias: I guess… this morning.

Trey Gowdy: I see.

Jodi Arias: Is it… still going on?

Trey Gowdy: No. No. It happened last September. But, uh, my question —

Jodi Arias: Who do you think did it?

Trey Gowdy: Well, we know who did it. It was Ansar al-Sharria.

Jodi Arias: Well, if you know who did it… then why are you holding these hearings?

[ Gawdy is speechless ]

Darrell Issa: Miss Arias. The way these hearings work is we ask the questions, and you answer them.

Jodi Arias: Oh, I’m sorry.

Darrell Issa: That’s alright. Does anyone else have a question for this witness? Anyone? [ no response ] Okay! Well… Thank you for coming.

Jodi Arias: Um… You bet!

Darrell Issa: While I’ve got you here, uh — That story you told, about your boyfriend attacknig you? That was BS, right?

Jodi Arias: Oh, totally! He… never laid a hand on me!

Darrell Issa: Yeah! Yeah, that sounded fishy to me!

Jodi Arias: You and the jury!

Darrell Issa: [ he laughs uproariously ] THank you again for your very couragous and very informative testimony here today.

Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, I don’t think that testimony was the least bit informative! Once again, I believe the last witness was called purely for TV ratings! Particularly, the key demographic of women, 18 to 45!

Darrell Issa: [ playfully ] Awwwwww, that is really unfair!

Elijah Cummings: I mean, what next? The guy from Cleveland who kept those women in his base-ment?

Darrell Issa: Well… uh… You have to admit, at least the media would cover it.

Elijah Cummings: Yeah, I guess so. But, still

[ reveal Ariel Castro seated in the courtroom ]

Ariel Castro: What about me? When do I get to testify, huh?

Darrell Issa: [ stunned ] Ohhhh, uhhhh… Don’t you worry there, uh, Mr. Ramsey, uh… Yuo’re on next week! But, for right now: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Kristen Wiig’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 20

12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Kristen Wiig’s Monologue

…..Kristen Wiig…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Jonah Hill
Abraham Lincoln…..John Solomon
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Kristen Wiig!

[ the audience cheers enthusiastically, as Kristen takes it all in and begins clapping along with them ]

Kristen Wiig: Why am I clapping? [ she laughs ] Oh, my gosh! WOW! Okay! It’s SO amazing to be back home HOSTING “SNL”! Um — Even though I left the show only 11 months and 30 days ago… it really feels like it’s been a year. Uh, you know… The show was a lot different back then. I was a lot different back then. Do we have a photo of that…?

[ reveal photo of modern-era David Spade ]

Kristen Wiig: So embarrassing! I can’t beleive I used to wear my ears that way. Um — But even though things have changed around here, I am still SO happy to be home. Because, tonight… [ music begins to play ] Tonight is a special night.

[ singing ]“Tonight’s the night I’m gonna make it happen!
Tonight, I’m hosting ‘SNL’ for yooooouuuu!
‘Cause even though I’ve been away a while now
I still know Camera 1 from Camera 2.”

[ she erroneously faces Camera 2, then turns to face Camera 1 ] [ cast members appear behind Kristen and dance ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
And I’m back inside it!
I’m about to start the show, and I hope you like it!

Tonight’s the night I’m back here where I started
I know this place like the back of my own hand.”

[ she looks at the back of her hand ]

Oh, that’s weird.

[ singing ]“So come with me, let’s take a tour of backstage.
I’ll introduce you to all of my closest friends.”

[ she passes through the audience to reach Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, and Vanessa Bayer ]

Kristen Wiig: “Oh, look, it’s Kenan…!”

Bill Hader: Bill!

Kristen Wiig: “And Bobby…”

Jason Sudeikis: Jason.

Kristen Wiig: “And don’t forget Will Ferrell!”

Vanessa Bayer: Sure!

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“Come with me-ee! And see-ee!
I worked her for a while
So I know! Where to go! In the studioooo!!”

[ she attempts to push a door open ]

Kristen Wiig: Is this door locked?

Jason Sudeikis: Of course, it is. Yeah. It’s a Fire Door. It’s always locked.

Kristen Wiig: Oh. Yeah… yeah, I knew that. Yeah. I used to work here!

[ she laughs and continues down a back hall ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]”I’m so excited!And I’m back inside it!And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… where stuff is!Where stuff is!”

[ she reaches a Janitor’s door ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, look! It’s my dressing room! Cool! [ she opens the door to reveal Maya Rudolph making out with Jonah Hill ] Oh, my God! Maya! Jonah! What are you guys doing?!

Maya Rudolph: Well, what does it LOOK like we’re doing?!

Jonah Hill: We’re trying to make a baby!

Kristen Wiig: But… you’re already pregnant.

[ Maya and Jonah look dow at her belly and high-five one another ]

Together: IT WORKED!!

[ Kristen continues down the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
But I’m getting frightened!
All the hallways look the same, and I don’t like it.”

[ Kenan Thompson appears ]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, Kristen!

[ Kristen zaps him with a taser ]

Kenan Thompson: Owwwww!! Why’d you taze me?!

Kristen Wiig: Sorry! I got scared!

Kenan Thompson: I was just coming to give you a hug.

[ he extends his arms, as she zaps him again ]

Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry! I’m REALLY scared! Don’t be mad! I’m sorry!

[ Kristen zaps him again, then walks over to a fake Abraham Lincoln chatting with showgirls across the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, I LOVED you in “Lincoln”, by the way! You were great!

[ Kristen continues down the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh… this is harder than I thought…

[ she runs into Fred Armisen ]

Kristen Wiig: Fred! Fred!

Fred Armisen: Oh, my God! I’m so happy to see you! Can I borrow $5,000?

Kristen Wiig: Fred, I’m in the middle of a monologue.

Fred Armisen: Wha…? [ he notices the camera ] Oh! uhhh… $2,000?

Kristen Wiig: Yeah. Fine. That’s fine.

Fred Armisen: Great! Thanks!

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
I’m just a little misguided…”

[ she runs into Lorne Michaels ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh! Lorne! Lorne, I feel like I don’t know where ANYTHING is any more. And someone told me if I screw up the monologue, that I can never host again.

Lorne Michaels: Nonsense! You’re doing GREAT!

Kristen Wiig: Okay! Thanks, Lorne, thank you!

[ she kisses Lorne on the cheek and runs back toward Home Base ]

Lorne Michaels: [ looking over ] Did you tell Kristen that?

[ reveal Gilly ]

Gilly: [ smiling mischieviously ] What?

Lorne Michaels: Gillyyyyy.

Gilly: Uh-huh!

Lorne Michaels: Gilly.

Gilly: Sorry, Boss!

[ return to Kristen approaching Home Base, the cast surrounding her in two lines ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
And I just can’t hide it!
And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… I’m back home!
I’m back home!

I’m so excited!
We’re reunited!
And we have, we have, we have, we have, we have… a great show!
A great show!”

[ confetti pours down ]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you SO much! we have a GREAT show! Vampire Weekend is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 21

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

Guest Writer:

May 18th, 2013

Ben Affleck

Kanye West


Jennifer Garner

Amy Poehler

Steve Jones

Carrie Brownstein

Kim Gordon

J Mascis

Aimee Mann

Michael Penn



Politics Nation with Al SharptonSummary: Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) is skeptical that the IRS is unfairly targeting the tax records of Tea Party members, and equally skeptical that he’s lost weight if he’s still huge.

Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton.


Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Ben Affleck’s entrance into the Five-Timers Club passes quietly because all the honored celebrities were just here for Justin Timberlake.Instead, he sets the record straight on his Oscar acceptance speech and asks wife Jennifer Garner to back up his comments.


Bengo F#*@ YourselfSummary: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) stars as Ben Affleck in his own “Argo” retaliation film.

Recurring Characters: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.


Xanax for Gay Summer WeddingsSummary: Heterosexual guests are only able to make it through the over-the-top proceedings at a gay summer wedding if they’re heavily medicated with the new Xanax product.

Depression SceneSummary: In Depression-era 1930’s New York, homesless dirtbag Edward Bing (Bill Hader) has lofty aspirations when a businessman (Ben Affleck) offers his a menial labor job.

New Beginnings CampSummary:

Kanye West performs “Black Skinhead”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” to the IRS’ recent targeting of Tea Party members’ tax records. City Correspondent Stefon (Bill Hader) lists an inappropriate Spring tourist destination, then storms off to marry Anderon Cooper over Seth’s objections.

Recurring Characters: Stefon, Girl, Arianna Huffington, Ann Romney, David Patterson, Jean K. Jean, Jacob, Drunk Uncle, The Devil.


Greg Pulino’s FuneralSummary:

Hermes HandbagsSummary: Vacuous ex-porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer) and her frind (Cecily Strong) submit a commercial for free Hermes handbags, with the help of former porn actor Girth Brooks (Ben Affleck).

Recurring Characters: Brookie, Friend.


Kanye West performs “New Slaves”

Shauna’s EngagementSummary:

Ian Rubbish and the Bizarros perform “It’s a Lovely Day”Recurring Characters: Ian Rubbish.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Bengo F#*@ Yourself

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 21

12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West

Bengo F#*@ Yourself

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad/Ben Affleck…..Fred Armisen
Hollywood Executive…..Bill Hader
Secretary…..Vanessa Bayer
Director…..Bobby Moynihan
Sound Man/Himself…..Ben Affleck

Announcer: [ over Iranian flag ] And now, a message from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

[ dissolve to Ahmadinejad, with assistance from a translator voiceover ]

V/O: Good evening. This year, America’s Hollywood released a film titled “Argo”. This film was rich with lies and falsehoods. Despite Iranian protests, “Argo” was showered with awards and hailed as a triumph. This film left me with no choice. And today, I’m happy to announce I’ve produced a film in response. It tells the story of the fabricator Ben Affleck, and how he tricked Hollywood into making his film. I’m also happy to announce that I play the role of Ben Affleck. Enjoy this HBO: First Look.

[ cut to “HBO: First Look” graphics, and movie poster ]

Announcer: Tonight on “HBO: First Look”: It’s the new Iranian film “Bengo F#*@ Yourself”, with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as Ben Affleck.

[ dissolve to Hollywood ]

Hollywood Executive: Ha ha haaaa! I’m a Hollywood executive! What is it, Secretary?

Secretary: Ben Affleck is here to see you.

Hollywood Executive: Let him in!

[ Mahmoud as Ben Affleck enters ]

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” I’m Ben Affleck! Here, I brought you some baked beef, bro!

Hollywood Executive: Ah, yes! These are popular in your native city of Boston! So… tell me about your film.

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” It is a film about a CIA operation. But I must warn you: It’s ENTIRELY made up!

Hollywood Executive: Why would I finance a film that is based on fabrication?

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” Because you are a Hollywood Jew who only cares for PROFITS!

Hollywood Executive: Excellent point!

“Ben Affleck”: YOU awhhh!

[ they shake hands and pose for the camera ] [ cut to Director testimonial, with translator voiceover ]

V/O: Mahoud was cast because he is a great actor, not because he is President. Yes, it is true he has to say “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd” before each line, to find the Boston accent… but that only speaks to his committment.

[ cut to movie still ]

Announcer: In this next scene, we see Mahmoud A as Ben Affleck have a heated exchange with his sound man — played by Ben Affleck!

[ cut to scene ]

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” Where’s my sound man?!

[ Sound man steps forward ]

Sound Man: What can I do for you, Mr. Ben Affleck?

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” It is VERY important to me that you record all the lines clearly, even though each one is FULL of lies! Okay, I’m gonna do the next scene SHIRTLESS, because I love my body! You understand me, BRO?! [ the real Affleck stifles a laugh ] You understand me, BRO?!

Sound Man: Uh, yes! [ he laughs ] I understand. But I have to ask: How do you justify making a film that you know to be COMPLETELY untrue?

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” Uh — It doesn’t matter if it’s true or untrue, Bro. All that matters is: Money in my pockets!

[ cut to Ben Affleck testimonial ]

Ben Affleck: Why would I agree to appear in this movie? Well, to be honest, I’ve been long looking to appear in a movie worse than “Gigli”. [ the audience applauds wildly ] And as soon as I read this script, I knew I found it!

[ cut to movie still ]

Announcer: Here’s a sneal peak at the climactic last scene of the film, where Affleck wins his Oscar.

[ cut to scene ]

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” I’d like to thank the Academy, as well as the Elders of Zion, for this awahd! Tonight we celebrate that which is not true! Marriage is WORK! Good night!

[ cut to movie poster ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 21

12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West


…..Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck: Thanks so much! Thanks to Kanye West. This incredible crew. Thank you to my incredible wife — Jennifer Garner! Amy Poehler. Carrie Brownstein. Kim Gordon. Steve Jones. Aimee Mann. J Mascis. Michael Penn. And this incredible cast, assembled here at “Saturday Night Live”. Thank you all — It’s an honor and a privilege.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Hermes Handbags

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 21

12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West

Hermes Handbags

Brookie…..Vanessa Bayer
Friend…..Cecily Strong
Girth Brooks…..Ben Affleck

[ open on Brookie and her friend posing for the camera ]

Brookie: Decadence!

Friend: Extravagance!

Brookie: Suh-fistication!

Friend: Sumptuousness!

Together: The finest… Herman’s Handbags!

Friend: All the ex-scoosiveness of a high societal woman!

Brookie: You can be CEO of Dreams Come True!

Together: With Herman’s Handbags!

Brookie: Hi. We still aren’t porn stars any more. I’m Brookie.

Friend: And I’m in Witness Protection.

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more. But that doesn’t mean we don’t like…

Together: Making the big splaaaaaash!

[ cowboy straddles past on a hanging rope ]

Cowboy: Did someone say “How’s it hangin’?”

Together: No… No, not yet… No…

Cowboy: Not now? Oh, alright. Cool.

[ he swings back ]

Brookie: Other handbags have too many zippers. Sorry, Charo!

Friend: I don’t have enough hands!

Brookie: Herman’s is leather, and it’s ten thousand dollars! Plus: it’s Louie Vittooooon!

Friend: And it’s perfect! For occasions like:

Brookie: Everyday!

Friend: Business Lunch!

Brookie: Carrying!

Friend: Caesarian Sections!

Brookie: And eating breakfast off Tiffany!

Friend: [ pointing ] I guarantee it! You’ll feel like you’ve been taken out on a decadent shrimp dinner!

Brookie: You’ll feel like… you’re spinning on a… golden weiner!

Friend: You’ll feel like you discovered a whole new world! Like Christopher Cumbus.

Brookie: Plus: You can put all your stuff in it! Like… What’s that thing you open, and you put your money in it…?

Friend: Mailbox.

Brookie: No… No, like when you want to walk around with it…?

Friend: Jar!

Brookie: A wallet.

Friend: Oh, yeah — a wallet!

[ cowboy straddles past on a hanging rope ]

Cowboy: Did someone say… “Helloooooo!! How’s it hangin’?”

Together: No, not yet…

Cowboy: Not yet?

Friend: Not yet.

Cowboy: Oh, alright. Cool.

[ he swings back ]

Together: With Herman’s Handbags!

Friend: One time, I thought I banged E.T. But it was just an old Chinese man on a bike. I was the one phoning home. Ask for a brand new Herman’s!

Brookie: I fell off a really steep boner, and banged my head. I had to keep a bag of ice on my head for a week. I wish it was a Herman’s bag!

Friend: One time I got banged through a glass ceiling. I changed EVERYTHING for women. Turns out I’m a feminist. Thanks, Herman’s!

Brookie: One of my eyes doesn’t work. It got sucked out by a BUTT! But… I don’t need two eyes to see the luxury of Herman’s!

Friend: One time, I got banged up to heaven. Then a bunch of angels banged me back to Earth. Thanks, miracles!

Brookie: Hey! Remember magazines, how they’re just like… [ she mimes flipping the pages of a magazine ] [ cowboy straddles past on a hanging rope ]

Cowboy: Did someone say “How’s it hangin’?” [ he swings back off-screen ]

Friend: Oh, yeah…

Brookie: Wait…

Friend: Where’d he go…?

Cowboy: Oh. Now?

Friend: Come on.

Brookie: Here.

[ cowboy returns ]

Cowboy: Well, hello there! My name is… Girth Brooks. And I’ll tell you what — I know a thing or two about sex. ‘Cause I got the biggest man-jiggles in the biz! My pants should say “Snickers” on ’em. ‘Cause they’re packed full of nuts and they always satisfy! So… so, trust me. If you’re looking for a killer sack… look no further… than… Herpes!

Together: No…

Cowboy: Do you know what Herpes feels like? It feels like a shotgun blast to the side of your johnson!

Together: No… no…

Cowboy: It feels like gettin’ FIRE ANTS diggin’ up in your TAINT, and you gotta… [ he mimes scratching ]

Together: No, no… it’s not Herpes! Herman’s!

Cowboy: So I just want to say to the pediatrician who told my mama I was deformed: Yeah! I’m in da-form of a guy with AWESOME nuts!

Brookie: No, no… Yuo gotta stay on-topic. Yeah, we’re trying to sell this ad and send it to Herman’s to get free handbags…

Together: From Hermannnnn’s!

Cowboy: Oh, right. That’s the plan!

[ they all try desperately to wink at the camera ]

Cowboy: So, for your next special occasion, give that little girl what she really wants:

Brookie: Herman’s!

Friend: Your whole heand in…

Cowboy: Herpes Handbags! 1 out of every 4 people has it — and so should YOU! And you can call all your old girlfriends and tell them, “Well, hey, guess what! I GOT HERPES!!”

Together: With Herman’s Handbags…

[ cut to title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Ben Affleck’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 21

12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West

Ben Affleck’s Monologue

…..Ben Affleck
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Jennifer Garner

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ben Affleck!

Ben Affleck: Thank you! Thank you! It is SO great to be back hosting “SNL”! It’s especially great, because this is my FIFTH time hosting! [ the audience cheers wildly ] You know, I have to say — watching Justin Timberlake join the Five-Timers Club just a few months ago… got me very excited! You know? I mean, Steve Martin showed up. Tom Hanks. Paul Simon. So I’m like, “Who’s gonna show up when I do it?”

[ suddenly, Bobby Moynihan appears dressed in a 5 t-shirt ]

Bobby Moynihan: Hey, Ben.

Ben Affleck: Hi, Bobby. What — What are you doing here?

Bobby Moynihan: I just wanted to welcome you to the Five-Timers Club.

Ben Affleck: Are there any actual members of the Five-Timers Club here?

Bobby Moynihan: Oh — They were just here for Justin Timberlake, so… so, NO. But if you’d like, I would be happy to sing for you the “Welcome to the Five-Timers Club” song! [ he chuckles nervously ]

Ben Affleck: [ he shrugs ] Uh… okay, sure.

Bobby Moynihan: [ he gasps ] Oh.

Ben Affleck: Oh, what?

Bobby Moynihan: I just thought you would say, “No.”

Ben Affleck: So there is no song?

Bobby Moynihan: [ he shifts his eyes, then sings ] “Five times… Each one better than the last…”

Ben Affleck: No. No, no, no…

Bobby Moynihan: Thanks, man. If you at least want this 5 t-shirt…? [ he laughs nervously ]

Ben Affleck: Uhhhh — I guess that’s kind of cool, sure.

Bobby Moynihan: [ he gasps ] Oh. I’m just not wearing anything underneath it.

Ben Affleck: Thanks, Bobby.

Bobby Moynihan: You’re welcome!

[ Bobby exits ]

Ben Affleck: Nice guy. You know what? It’s fine! Because I still had a really exciting year. I directed “Argo”, which won an Oscar for Best Picture. [ the audience cheers wildly ] And I decided that, while winning an Oscar was a HUGE thrill… giving an Oscar acceptance speech is COMPLETELY terrifying. And, uh — You may remember, in my speech, I thanked my wife. And I also said that the essence of marriage is work. And we’ve worked together on our marriage. And, uh, some uncharitable souls on the Internet put that to mean that our marriage is some kind of “manual labor.” That’s not — No, that’s not it. You know, you define what’s important to you by what you dedicate your time to. And my wife knew EXACTLY what I meant. And so, to disprove the naysayers, I asked her to come here tonight. [ he glances off-stage ] Jen?

[ Jennifer Garner appears, to huge applause ]

Jennifer Garner: Hi, honey!

Ben Affleck: So, Jen, would you… would you, just now, DISPEL this notion and TELL the people what I meant by: “Marriage is work”?

Jennifer Garner: Yes, I will! Well, yeah, it’s a way that we talk privately about how committed we are to our marriage.

Ben Affleck: Yes. Right! See that?

Jennifer Garner: I’m not sure why you have to share it to a million people, but… [ she laughs]

Ben Affleck: I mean, but… Our marriage is a work of LOVE! What would you have called it in a speech?

Jennifer Garner: A GIFT! I would have said, “Thank you to my wife, for our marriage is a GIFT!”

Ben Affleck: Yeah… That’s one way to go. I guess. [ he clears his throat ] Because, you know, it’s… it’s a gift to… to… the WORK of marriage, which you’ve GIFTED me with enormous WORK! To be completely honest.

Jennifer Garner: Well, if we’re gonna be completely honest here, why don’t we just go and mention who DOES all of the work?

Ben Affleck: Uh — That’s TOO “inside”! The people don’t want to HEAR that! You see?

Jennifer Garner: Mmm-hmm.

Ben Affleck: I’ll tell you what, though — I want to tell you how I wish I’d ended that speech. Okay? “I couldn’t do any of the things I do without your support. You’re my angel, my life, and my world.”

Jennifer Garner: [ smiling ] You’re reading that!

[ she points to a cue card man holding a cue card with those very words written on it ]

Ben Affleck: I mean — Yeah. But, uh, you know. It’s true. I love you.

Jennifer Garner: Thank you! You’re a lot of work!

[ they kiss passionately, then she exits ]

Ben Affleck: So — As you can see, we’ll be fine! It’s… the EXACT same conversation used to happen with me and Matt Damon all the time. We have a GREAT show for you tonight! The fabulous, great Kanye West is here! Stick around! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Ian Rubbish and the Bizarros perform “It’s a Lovely Day”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 21

12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West

Ian Rubbish and the Bizarros perform “It’s a Lovely Day”

Ian Rubbish…..Fred Armisen
Bassist…..Bill Hader
Drummer…..Jason Sudeikis
Bassist #2…..Taran Killam
…..Carrie Brownstein
…..Steve Jones
…..J Mascis
…..Kim Gordon
…..Aimee Mann
…..Michael Penn

[ open on Top of the Pops set ]

Ian Rubbish: Hello, how you doing? Uh — yeah. I’m Ian Rubbish, and, uh — Hello, welcome. Uh, these are the Bizzaros. Yeah? [ the audience whoops slightly ] And, uh — Yeah, thank you, cheers! And, uh, we’ve been here all week — [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] We’ve been here all week, and, uh… Well, look, it’s the last night here, and… uh…

Bassist: But, uh — We’re gonna keep playing together. You know? Even though, uh —

Ian Rubbish: Going on tour…

Bassist: Going on tour. We’re heading on tour, but we’re still gonna play together, yeah.

Ian Rubbish: So, uh — What we’re gonna do now, is, uh, is a song about… It’s like when things are DOWN, yeah… and you feel like the whole world’s against ya’, and everything’s changing so fast, yeah. What you do is — you look at everything in the face, yeah, and you say, “I happen to think… it’s gonna be a lovely day!”

[ they begin playing ]

Ian Rubbish: [ singing ]“When they smash… your things…
and throw them in the bin
You gotta say
It’s a lovely day.

When your cup… of tea…
is filled with a sour milk scene
You gotta say
It’s a lovely day.

Sometimes, it seems like things are falling aparrrrrrrt
Just remember, it’s a lovely…”

Ian Rubbish: Alright, well… I’ve got some friends of mine — people who have inspired me through the years — to come up and join me. Alright!

[ Carrie Brownstein and Steve Jones, with guitars, stand on either side of Ian ]

Ian Rubbish: [ singing ]“If your bike… collides…
with where or what resides
You gotta say
It’s a lovely day.”

[ J Mascis and Kim Gordon appear with guitar and tambourine ]

Ian Rubbish: [ singing ]“If life is changing fast
The future’s just the past
You gotta say
It’s a lovely day.”


[ Aimee Mann and Michael Penn appear with guitars ]

Ian Rubbish: [ singing ]“If your mates are not around
And you need them when you’re down.
You gotta hang on
It’s still a lovely day.”

It is!

Ian Rubbish: [ singing ]“It’s been alright
I’ve had a lovely night with you.

All: [ singing ]“It’s been alright
I’ve had a lovely night with you.

It’s been alright
I’ve had a lovely night with you.”

Ian Rubbish: [ singing ]“It’s been alright
I’ve had a lovely night with you.
It’s been alright…
I’ve had a lovely night… with… you.”

[ the audience cheers wildly ] [ pull back and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13: Darrell’s House

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Darrell’s House

Darrell Sparks…..Zach Galifianakis
…..Jon Hamm

[ open on Knoxville Cable Access card ] [ dissolve to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ dissolve to Darrell standing in his living room ]

Darrell: …Hello!

[ jump cut ]

Darrell: …Let me tell you a little bit about myself: I’m Darrell Sparks, and I love to enter–

Wife V/O: What are —

Darrell: –TAIN!! So what do I consider the three keys of entertaining? 1. Great snacks!

[ cut to an empty snack tray ] [ jump cut to snacks now on the tray ]

Darrell: The second key? Good music! That’s why I’m playing…

Darrell V/O: [ as his lips move on-screen ] Al… Jolsen.

[ Al Jolsen music begins to play ]

Darrell: That sounds GREAT!! And last, but not least, great guests!

[ jump cut as a doorbell rings ]

Darrell: I think one is here right now!

[ Darrell walks over to the front door and opens it ]

Darrell: Mr. Jon Hamm!

[ jump cut as the door opens and Jon Hamm steps in ]

Jon Hamm: How youdoing, Darrell?

Darrell: Thanks for coming! [ split-screen on Darrell shaking his friends hand, with Jon Hamm in the pother frame ] You look AMAZING, Jon! What’s your secret?

[ cut to close-up of Jon Hamm ]

Jon Hamm: If I told you… it wouldn’t be a secret!

Darrell: [ he laughs ridiculously over-the-top ] Oh, Jon! Care for some snacks?

[ the two camera angles follow Darrell and Jon Hamm to thesnack area ] [ cut to Jon Hamm putting a snack in his mouth ]

Jon Hamm: Excellent!

Darrell: [ with his Friend’s arm still in the shot ] Why, thank you, Jon! I made them myself!

Jon Hamm: They’re great!

Darrell: You look so happy, Jon, which is surprising — I always heard you were a MAD man!

[ cut to full-frame video footage of the “Showtime at the Apollo” audience whooping it up ]

Darrell: [ with his Friend still in the shot ] Thanks for stopping by, Jon!

[ jump cut to Jon Hamm, with Darrell checking his phone in the background ]

Jon Hamm: Thanks for having me!

[ Jon Hamm exits ]

Darrell: Well… For the first time I had someone to my house, THAT was a success!

[ close-up of Darrell blinking, with a CGI of his right eye still open ] [ jump cut to a freeze-frame of Darrell with the credits scrolling over him ] [ cut back to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 21

This free script provided by]]>

12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
Stefon…..Bill Hader
…..Anderson Cooper
David Zolesky…..Ben Affleck
The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party…..Cecil Strong
Arianna Huffington…..Nasim Pedrad
Jean K. Jean…..Kenan Thompson
David Paterson…..Fred Armisen
Ann Romney……Kate McKinnon
Jacob…..Vanessa Bayer
Drunk Uncle…..Bobby Moynihan
The Devil…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers! Here are tonight’s top stories!

President Obama, this week, denied that he knew about the Inspector General’s report detailing the IRS’s increased scrutiny of conservative groups. So nothing to worry about, America — There’s just a bunch of stuff happening that the President doesn’t know about.

The President also condemned the IRS for targeting conservative groups for extra scrutiny, saying, “Public service is a solemn privilege.” In response, Joe Biden quietly deflated his whoopee cushion.

Minnesota, this week, became the 12th state in the country to legalize gay marriage. So, finally, Minneapolis can stop pretending St. Paul is just its “twin”.

Disney is being criticized for redesigning Merida, the character from “Brave”, to make her more stylish like the traditional Disney princesses. Though, frankly, I’m a little more disturbed by what they’ve done with Goofy. [ image: Goofy with six-pack abs ]

Researchers in the Netherlands are developing a form of in vitro meat, which can be grown in a lab. They say the in vitro meat will be perfect for couples who can’t have steaks of their own.

Seth Meyers: The admission by IRS officials that they unfairly targeted Tea Party groups has both Republicans and Democrats calling for a full-scale investigation. And brings us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”

[ the audience cheers as Amy Poehler appears at the Weekend Update desk with Seth ]

Seth Meyers: So… I guess I should ask: Are you ready to jump back into it, or are you, like, uh…

Amy Poehler: Let me see, uh… “Really!?! Really. Really!”

Seth Meyers: You got it! You got it!

Amy Poehler: I’m good. Let’s go!

Seth Meyers: Really, IRS? Really? IRS: NO ONE needs to avoid scandals more than you! You’re less popular to Americans than EXERCISE! Don’t get me wrong. I understand that, even if you do your job perfectly, IRS, no one’s gonna give you a Gatorade shower. But you’ve gotta try a little harder!

Amy Poehler: I mean, really! The Government only keeps you around to make the DMV look good! In the “Entourage” of government agencies, you’re the Turtle!

Seth Meyers: You’re the Turtle!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And, really? Obama, you said you heard about the scandal when you saw it on TV? You found out from TV?! Really?! I don’t want to live in a world where you have the same sources as my Aunt! You’re the President! I didn’t think you had to watch TV for ANYTHING! I assumed you already knew how “Breaking Bad” ends!

Amy Poehler: And, also: Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted by the IRS? You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate that said “Weed 420″, I might expect to get pulled over now and then.

Seth Meyers: If you had that license plate?

Amy Poehler: Not now!

Seth Meyers: Alright. And, really: Politics aside, should we be surprised that the IRS takes special attention to the tax forms of the Tea Party? Judging from the terrible spelling on their protest signs, attention to detail isn’t really their thing. It’s not fair to scrutinize somebody for hating Obama, but you might want to give them a second look if they spell it “Obambo.” Really!

Amy Poehler: Really! IRS, you’ve gotta spread the scrutiny around a little! Even the TSA pulls a white guy out of the security line every once in a while! You know, just to make it look good!

Seth Meyers: Gotta make it look good!

Amy Poehler: I mean, really! Let’s remember: Everyone cheats on the IRS all the time! Having their job is like being married to 300 million Don Drapers! Really!

Seth Meyers: And, really: We do all have to understand that this is a super jittery time for the IRS. I mean, Wesley Snipes just got out of jail, and Wesley Snipes is NOT happy!

Amy Poehler: Really! Guys, Snipes is OUT! Everyone at the IRS is probably looking over their shoulders and praying they don’t hear the words: “Never tax on Black!”

Seth Meyers: I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: And one more thing, IRS: [ meekly ] Please don’t audit me… I just did my own taxes, and I did them all wrong! I’m really, really, really sorry…!

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth & Amy.”

Seth Meyers: Thank you so mch for coming!

Amy Poehler: Okay, fine! I’ll stay!

Three people in New Jersey were arrested on charges of running a prostitution ring at a senior citizen housing complex. Workers at the complex became suspicious when they heard a man yelling “Bingo!” and it wasn’t Bingo Night.

A restaurant in San Francisco called Bacon Bacon has been ordered to close after neighbors complained about the overwhelming smell of bacon. And it’s got to be really tricky to walk up to a cop and complain that something smells like bacon.

Seth Meyers: A new report reveals that some families are hiring disabled tour guides when visiting Disney theme parks, to help them avoid long lines and use the handicapped entrances. And it’s all made possible by the Controversial Take-A-Wish Foundation.

A topless painting of “Golden Girls” actress Bea Arthur was sold at auction this week for $1.9 million, to someone who doesn’t understand what dollars are.

Soccer superstar David Beckham, on Thursday, announced his retirement from the game. So now he will probably just spend his days sitting around the house, bending it.

[ Seth high-fives Amy ]

An Australian politician, this week, who was taking a morning jog, was attacked by a kangaroo. The man could be heard shouting: [ in a fake Australian accent ] “Help! I know this is hilarious, but still — Help!”

Amy Poehler: Massachusetts police arrested a woman after she ordered a steak-and-cheese sandwich, then punched the employee who made it because it had “too many pickles.” But you know what? I’ll bet that employee knows the right number of pickles now.

A sushi chef in Connecticut is planning to use cicadas this summer in some of his recipes. Said the chef: [ whispering ] “I’m tryin’ to get fired.

Prince Harry, this week, toured the Jersey Shore with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. It was the first meeting between the Prince of the House of Windsor… and the Governor of the House of Pancake.

Seth Meyers: Well, it’s almost summer in New York. Which means millions of tourists will be heading to the city to see what the Big Apple has to offer. Here with some tips on what thy should check out, is City Correspondent Stefon.

[ the audience goes wild as Stefon appears at the desk ]

Seth Meyers: Hi.

Amy Poehler: Hi, Stefon. How have you been?

[ Stefon leers at Amy, then at Seth ]

Stefon: Who’s this?

Seth Meyers: Oh, uh — This is my platonic work friend Amy.

Amy Poehler: Oh. Hey. Thanks.

Seth Meyers: So, Stefon. Uh — Summer’s right around the corner, and what places should people checkout if they’re headed to New York and looking to have a classic New York weekend?

Stefon: If you’re headed to NYC — The Big Apple — THe City That Never Sleeps — THe Thrilla in Manila — then I know just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is: [ deep-voiced ] PANNNNTTSS! [ he covers his face with his hands ] Located on that fake street from “Seinfeld”, this bad bud bridal barn finally answers the question: “Y’all ready to play the Feud?!” This place has EVERYTHING: Double Dutch, Uggi Loves, sling and mesh bladder implants, the table from “Charlie Rose”… [ he covers his face with his hands ] And this weekend, I’ll be having my college reunion there.

Amy Poehler: Oh! Wow! What university did you go to?

Stefon: UTI! [ he covers his face with his hands ] I even made the Dean’s List.

Amy Poehler: You did?

Stefon: Yes. Dean Cain’s list of homeboys not to mess with! Anyway — The bouncer’s a king-sized lesbian who looks like Phil Jackson. And the password is: “Skyyy!!” [ he points, then covershis face with his hands ] And if that isn’t enough for you, you can hit the dance floor with a room full of Human Eight Balls.

Seth Meyers: And — I’m sorry, Stefon — What is a Human Magic Eight Ball?

Stefon: [ he covers his face with his hands ] It’s that thing of when you ask a question, so you shake a midget until he says: “Ask again later!” [ he covers his face with his hands and laughs ]

Seth Meyers: Uhhhh — Stefon, I’m sorry. This just isn’t what we’re looking for.

Stefon: You know what? You NEVER respect me, Seth! I didn’t want to do this here… but I’ve met someone else! And he’s a lot like you… except he likes me for me… and we are getting MARRIED! Bye, Seth Meyers.

[ Stefon rolls away ]

Seth Meyers: Well… [ he shrugs ] Stefon, everybody. Sorry about that.

[ the audience gasps in great shock at this break-up ]

Seth Meyers: [ image: tree frog ] A new study shows that tree frogs in the Am — [ he chokes up ] The tree fogs in the Amazon have been known to —

[ piano music plays ]

Amy Poehler: Hey. [ she reaches out her hand ] Go to him.

Seth Meyers: It’s too late.

Amy Poehler: [ she touches his cheek ] It’s never too late. [ Seth rises and runs ] Follow your heart!

[ cut to footage of Seth running out of 30 Rockefeller Center and through the streets of New York, intercut with clips of prior Seth-Stefon interactions on “Weekend Update” ] [ Seth reaches a cathedral, as the bells gong ]

Seth Meyers: Oh, God… no…!

[ Seth enters the church and runs up to the second level, looking down on the procession below. We see Human Traffic Cones, etc. ]

Seth Meyers: STEFON!!

[ all eyes turn: Fat Urkels, Smurfs, Alf, Menorrah the Explorer, etc. ] [ Stefon also looks up, surprised, as does his groom, Anderson Cooper, who’s displeased ]

Anderson Cooper: Meyers!

Seth Meyers: Cooper!

Stefon: [ high-pitched ] SETTTTTTHHHHHH!!!!

[ Seth runs down and confront Anderson Cooper ]

Anderson Cooper: [ knuckles bared ] Get ready for Anderson Cooper — 360!

[ Cooper spins, as Seth decks him squarely ] [ Seth grabs Stefon by the hand, and they run toward the back of the church ]

Menorah the Explorer: Can you say: “Oh, vey?”

[ DJ Baby Bok Choy rolls up, blocking the crowd of angry spectators ]

Stefon: DJ Baby Bok Choy!

DJ Baby Bok Choy: [ with subtitles ] Run, Stefon, run! I will fend them off! It is too late for me… but I will…

Stefon: Thanks!

[ reveal Stefon’s brother among the spectators ]

David Zolesky: Follow your heart, Bro! FOLLOWWWWW ITTTT!!!

[ dissolve to Seth and Stefon rushing back into Studio 8-H, as the audience goes wild ] [ they stand in front of the “Weekend Update” desk, as The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party, Arainna Huffington, Jean K. Jean, David Paterson, Ann Romney, Jacob, Amy Poehler, Drunk Uncle, and The Devil stand behind the desk and throw rice at them ]



[ they hug ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts