SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13: M&M Store

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

M&M Store

Manager…..Jason Sudeikis
Jim…..Zach Galifianakis
Noreen…..Nasim Pedrad
Eddie…..Fred Armisen
Rob…..Tim Robinson
Kyle…..Bobby Moynihan
Joe…..Kenan Thompson
Christina…..Vanessa Bayer

[ open on M&M Store ]

Manager: Alright, uh — Listen up, team! Before we open up the store today, I want to huddle up. Everybody, huddle up, please! [ the employees, wearing different colored shirts, gather round ] Okay. Uh, Jim, you want to come out here, please real quick?

[ Jim, wearing a red M&M costume, ambles in ]

Manager: Now, our new greeter, Jim, here, had a real rough firsy day yesterday, okay? I mean, that goes without saying, right, Jim?

Jim: That’s right.

Manager: Mmm-hmm. Uh — Now, he said some things that wer VERY offensive, but he… he’s asked for a chance to apologize. so we’re gonna let him. Uh, Jim? Why don’t you go ahead.

Jim: Thank you. [ he clears his throat ] So, uh, look — There was a lot of name-calling yesterday. I know you didn’t like any of the names I called you, and I certainly didn’t like the names you called me, like, uh… “Racist Jim”, and “Jim the Bigot.” So… I want to apologize to each of you individually, and ask for your forgiveness. Forst of: Noreen. I know that all day, I continuously referred to you as the wrong type of Indian. But I want to get it right — please tell me one last time which kind you are… and I SWEAR I’ll never ask you again.

Noreen: I’m Pakistani.

Jim: And… is that the name of your tribe, or…?

Noreen: It’s a country!

Jim: How!

Noreen: It just is!

Jim: No, I was saying Hello.

Manager: No, come on. Let’s stay focused, Jim. Okay? Come on, push through.

Jim: Eddie… My dear, dear Mexican friend. Let’s see… Mi espanol es bueno…

Eddie: No, no — I speak English.

Jim: Oh, thank God! Okay, good. So, look — Listen, I called you “Dirty” a lot yesterday, and I…

Eddie: You did.

Jim: I did. And, yet… I’m a total slob. I mean… maybe I don’t deserve to be in this country, either.

Eddie: I was born in Minnesota, Racist Jim.

Jim: [ to the manager ] And we’re back to name-calling again! This is what I’m talking about!

Manager: I know, I know… Just, come on, Jim, we gotta keep it moving. Come on.

Jim: Okay, moving on — I definitely should apologize to our gays.

[ the two employees Jim signals out give him quizzical looks ]

Jim: Gentlemen… [ he shakes his head ] The thought of what you guys do really makes me sad. And I know I made that abundantly clear — often, through song — but then I got home, and I felt… Well… my wife is really ugly. Hell, she might as well be a dude! So maybe we ain’t that different, you know? Why don’t we just bury the hatchet? [ he stares at Noreen ] No offense. [ she looks at him curiously ] And, guys… gays. Let me be the first to say: I support whatever you want to do, as long as it’s behind closed doors.

Kyle: We’re not…

Rob: Thank you! [ he shrugs his shoulders at Kyle ]

Jim: But it’s entirely possible that I owe the biggest apology… to Black Joe.

Joe: It’s just Joe. There are no other Joes that work here! I mean, even if there were, you know…

Jim: You were certainly the recipient of some of my low moments in that three-hour shift. I don’t know what I feel worse about: How often I asked to touch your hair… or when I pointed to that brown M&M and yelled: “Hey, look, everyone — it’s Black Joe!”

Joe: That one actually kind of made me laugh!

Jim: Uh, I wasn’t finished with my list. Please don’t talk over me. This is not a movie theater. You also seemed offended at my many attempts to connect with you through music. [ singing ] “Swing low…”

[ Joe attempts to rush Jim, but is held back by everyone ]

Manager: Come on! Come on!

Jim: Okay. Yeah, yeah… okay, we should about wrap up this pow-wow. [ to Noreen ] I am so sorry!

[ Noreen shakes her head in disgust ]

Jim: And, finally… there was Christina. Yuo probably don’t remember, Christina, but… yesterday I grabbed your boob pretty hard in the break room, while squeezing an air horn.

Christina: I remember, Racist Jim.

Jim: See, but you gotta admit — there’s nothing racist about that exchange whatsoever, right?

Manager: Mmm-hmm… mmm-hmm…

Christina: Yeah, except that you said that my BUTT was “Puerto Rican”… but that my boobs “didn’t get the memo.”

Manager: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah… Okay, we got it. We should open up the store. Uh, Jim — you’re obviously fired, okay?

Jim: What?! Are you positive about this?

Manager: Oh yeah, absolutely, yeah!

Jim: You don’t have no reservations? [ to Noreen ] Again, I am so sorry!

Manager: No, it’s time to go, Jim.

Jim: Well, tell me this — Am I eligible for unemployment, or is that just for you know who?

Manager: Okay… okay. Come on, let’s go! Let’s go! [ he pushes Jim out, then turns to his staff ] Come on, let’s sell some candy!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 1: 09/20/12: Convention Cutaways!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 1

Convention Cutaways!

Sobbing woman…..Vanessa Bayer
Dancing guy…..Taran Killam
Wandering woman…..Aidy Bryant
Props guy…..Fred Armisen
Asleep guy…..Kenan Thompson
Thin Woman…..Kate McKinnon
Balloons guy…..Jay Pharoah
Middle Eastern Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
Straight guy…..Bill Hader
Not cute kid…..Bobby Moynihan
Penis guy…..Tim Robinson
Joseph Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on montage of convention footage ]

Announcer: Like every American… you LOVE the Republican and Democrat National Conventions.

The speeches!

The waving!

The pageantry!

But now that they’re over, you want to relive the most GLORIOUS moments of them all. Introducing…

[ reveal product ]

Convention Cutaways! Featuring the very BEST audience shots from BOTH conventions!

Like… Woman Who’s Sobbing Before Anyone’s Started Speaking.

And… Guy Who’s Dancing To No Music Whatsoever.

And relive the majesty of… Woman Who’s Just Walking Around.

And… Guy Who Brought Props That Only Make Sense To Him.

Stunning cutaways of TRUE patriots shaping history.

Like… Guy Who’s Pretending He Wasn’t Just Asleep.

Thin Woman With Way Too Much Arm Flab.

And Guy Who Didn’t Know There’d Be Balloons.

You’ll enjoy HOURS and HOURS of inspired cutaways.

Like… Middle Eastern Woman They Keep Cutting To Whenever Someone Mentions Hispanics.

And… Straight Guy They Keep Cutting to Whenever Someone Mentions Gay Marriage.

Because children are our future, we’ve also included some kid cutaways.

Including… Kid Who Is Super Cute.

And… Kid Who Is Not Super Cute.

Plus… Guy Who’s Had Just The Tip Of His Penis Out This Whole Time.

And, of course… Joe Biden.

Joseph Biden: [ waving with ice cream cone in hand ] Hey! Look at — look at what they found!

[ cut to product ]

Announcer: Convention Cutaways! Order today, so we’ll know if we should start making them.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts