SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Double Date

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 20

12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Double Date

Kristen…..Kristen Wiig
Cecily…..Cecily Strong
Tyler…..Tim Robinson
Drew…..Bobby Moynihan
Waiter…..Taran Killam

[ open on two women sipping drinks at Eddy’s ]

Cecily: Uh, okay, so anyway… We’ve known each other for three years — Ernst & Young —

Kristen: [ giggling ] And, news flash: The finance world is boring! Long hours. It’s rare we get to date.

Cecily: Um — What do you guys do again?

[ reveal their dates: two young boys sipping sodas ]

Drew: We’re in the Sixth Grade.

[ the Waiter appears ]

Waiter: Well… Have we decided?

Cecily: Yes! We are gonna split the sea bass.

Kristen: Yes.

Waiter: Okay, and for you fellas?

Tyler: Can I just please have, um, regular noodles and lots of butter?

Cecily: Oh, my God! SUCH a guy, right!

Drew: Can I have chicken fingers, but can I have both ranch and barbecue?

Waiter: You got it! And, everybody still good on drinks?

Kristen: Actually, we could do another. I love that I don’t even have to tell you…

Cecily: Hello!

Kristen: I know!

Waiter: [ laughing ] And how about you fellas? You still good with the soda?

Tyler: Yeah…

Drew: Yeah.

Waiter: Okay.

[ Waiter exits ]

Cecily: Um — So you guys… both play soccer? Is that right?

Together: Yeah…

Cecily: Okay. And what positions do you do? [ she laughs and points at her friend ] Okay! Don’t you say anything!

Kristen: Excuse me!

Cecily: Okay!

Kristen: I didn’t know we were there!

Cecily: I did NOT mean it like that! I actually meant SOCCER positions! I did!

Drew: I play Defense.

Tyler: Forward.

[ the women slowly sip their drinks ]

Kristen: You guys are lucky. Yuo have all your hair! [ she laughs ] More than I can say for my ex-husband, that dickhead.

Cecily: I never liked him! Never!

Kristen: Ohhhh, gee! You didn’t? You only tell me that, like, every day!

Cecily: Okay! Well, he got DRUK and beat up your BOSS!

[ the boys are stunned silent ]

Kristen: Once!

Cecily: Well, he did.

Kristen: Once!

Cecily: But he did!

Kristen: Okay, we have to change the subject. Tyler and Drew are, like, “This lady is a walking jackabee!”

[ the ladies laugh ]

Kristen: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Cecily: Hmmm…

Tyler: [ thinking ] My Dad got me a jet ski, and I rode it.

Cecily: [ leaning in ] Mmm, what’s that?

Kristen: His dad got him a jet ski, and he rode it.

Cecily: [ impressed ] Wow! That’s very DARING! Uh, you weren’t afraid at all?

Tyler: [ modestly ] Uh-uh!

Cecily: [ into her drink ] I would like to see you again… Oh, my God! I HATED that!! Okay! I am NOT good at this!

Kristen: [ laughing ] You’re like a female URKEL!

Cecily: [ nasally ] “Did I do that?!” [ she laughs ] Do you know what I mean?

[ the boys just look at her ]

Cecily: Oh, my God! You guys don’t know Urkel. Okay! We’re ancient! Wow!

Kristen: “Family Matters” was, like, a MILLION years before you were born, right? I am such a dinosaur!

Cecily: Right?

Tyler: [ trying ] My favorite dinosaur is the brontosaurus. Scientists can’t tell from the fossils, um, if they held their necks out upright, or if their — their —

Cecily: No, no, no! Please! As opposed to…?

Tyler: Their necks went straight out.

Cecily: WoW! [ twirling her hair ] So, they… don’t know?

Kristen: Wow! That reminds me, like, how little I know about dinosaurs!

Cecily: Right? It’s like, “Thank God YOU’RE here! A little dinosaur expert!”

Kristen: [ laughing ] What are we experts on?

Cecily: Uhhhh… VODKA?! [ she laughs ] I mean, seriously — Where’s that other round?

Kristen: [ to the boys ] Is it okay that we’re drinking, and you’re not?

Drew: One time, I drank a whole liter of root beer and I burped reallyl oud.

[ the ladies laugh uncontrollably ]

Kristen: Whaaaat?! My God!

Cecily: What?!

Drew: It was on my birthday, last week.

Kristen: [ piqued ] A Taurus! Earth sign. Uh-oh, for me!

[ the Waiter returns ]

Waiter: Hey, uh, guys? Can you keep it down? [ a beat ] I’m TOTALLY kidding! [ they all laugh ] This round’s on me! Gosh, I wish I was at the FUN table, instead of having to work!

Cecily: Ooh! Ooh! [ to B ] Tell im what you told us!

Drew: Um… One time, I drank a liter of root beer and then I burped really loud.

[ the Waiter laughs uncontrollably ]

Waiter: WHAAAATTT?!! WHEN??!

Ladies: LAST WEEK!!

[ the Waiter continues to laugh uncontrollably as he exits ]

Tyler: I’m the last one in my class who can’t swim! But I’m gonna learn this summer. My mom says ut’s no rush, ’cause I’m so sweet!

Cecily: Um… [ super coolly ] I agree with your mom!

Kristen: Uhhh… Wow! Get a room-a?

Cecily: Alright, shut up! Of course, YOU’RE gonna bust my balls! Of course!

[ the Waiter returns ]

Waiter: Uhhhh… hey. If you two are Tyler and Drew… I think your moms are waiting outside. [ he puts the bill on the table ] There’s no rush. I’ll leave this here, and, uh, make your meals to-go, okay?

[ the Waiter exits ]

Cecily: Uhhh… so, should we go dutch, orrrrr…?

Drew: My Dad said I have to pay.

Kristen: Okay. ‘Cause that was, like, the slowest reach for a wallet EVER!

Cecily: [ embarrassed ] Oh, my God! Shut UP!!

[ the ladies laugh ridiculously ] [ meanwhile, Drew opens a coffee can and pours his loose change all over the table ]

Kristen: um… [ she giggles ] That’s not gonna be enough!

Drew: Bye…

[ the boys stand up and walk away from the table, leaving the ladies with each other ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 2: 09/27/12: Town Hall Meeting

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Bonus Episode 2

Weekend Update Thursday 2

Town Hall Meeting

President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Woman #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Man #1…..Fred Armisen
Woman #2…..Kate McKinnon
Man #2…..Kenan Thompson
Man #3…..Bill Hader
Man #4…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. This isn’t your mother’s C-Span; it’s your grandmother’s.

[ dissolve to exterior, Kent, Ohio auditorium ]

Announcer: on Wednesday, President Obama was in Ohio, where he addressed a Town Hall gathering of swing state voters.

[ dissolve to Obama ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you! Thank you so much! I’ve got THREE words to say: Oh! Hi! Oh!

[ the crowd applauds wildly ]

President Barack Obama: It MUST be a rally! I’ve got my sleeves rolled up like a weatherman on Friday! Now, as you probably know, you all have a BIG choice in November. So… does anyone have any questions? [ a woman raises her hand ] Yes! You!

Woman #1: Hi. Um… I got laid off in 2009, and I still haven’t found a job. I don’t want to vote for Romney… but I really thought things would be better by now.

President Barack Obama: [ glumly ] Okay. I understand your frustration. I’ve said from Day One that real change takes MORE than one term — or even one president. I don’t know if it will even happen in eight years. Might take 12. Frankly, I might be long dead. Maybe you’ll be dead, too. You hear what I’m saying?

Woman #1: [ disenchanted ] Um… I guess…?

President Barack Obama: Look — we’re in a deep financial hole. Uhhh… the numbers are bad. Uhhhh… 23 million people out of work! But things ARE getting better. Remember that movie, uhhh, “The Sixth Sense”? I’m like the kid in that movie: I see employed people. I know you don’t see ‘em, uhhh, don’t even know they’re there, but one day all of you will be Bruce Willis and you’ll realize that you were employed all along. Won’t that be nice?

[ the crowd applauds enthusiastically ]

President Barack Obama: Look. I’m sure there are success stories out there. Show of hands: Who here has created their own company in the last four years? [ no one raises a hand ] No one? No one? not one? Not one company? Okay. Who here has a job? [ one man raises his hand ] Okay! There we go! There we go! and what do you do, sir?

Man #1: Uh — I’m a manager… at Burger King.

President Barack Obama: There you go! Uhhh, having it YOUR way! And where were you four years ago? Probably working the counter, right?

Man #1: Uh, I was a Vice-President for Bank of America.

President Barack Obama: [ stung ] oh, okay. The point is that today you’re a manager at one of America’s BIGGEST companies. Uhhh, that’s a success story! Probably get FREE BURGERS! Right?

Man #1: Uh — no one gets free burgers. Actually, I had to fire a guy for eating a burger while eating on the clock. He got so mad, he threw a BRICK through the window. So…

President Barack Obama: [ excited ] There you go! Free brick! Uh, you didn’t have that four years ago! MUCH better off! [ pointing ] Uhh — you! How about you, Ma’am? I saw your habd go up. Uhhh, what do you do?

Woman #2: I work at the apple store.

President Barack Obama: There you go! One of America’s GREAT companies! Still growing!

Woman #2: Oh, I don’t work for the computer store. I sell actual apples.

President Barack Obama: [ stung ] Okay.

Woman #2: I have a shack by the highway. I sell mostly to immigrants, and the occasional mule.

President Barack Obama: Very good. Thank you. Very good.

Woman #2: I sell apples!

President Barack Obama: Of course, you do! Of course, you do! Look — I KNOW that it hasn’t been easy. Not even for me. Look at me. I took office as a 47-year-old man. Four years later, I’m 75. Went from hip-hop star to jazz musician. From Baby Face to B.B. King. I guess black DO crack. But I promise you: Things ARE much better! Surely, someone here has a job that wsn’t around in 2008. Uhhhh… anyone? [ a man raises his hand ] There it is! What do you do, Sir?

Man #2: Uh… I chase raccoons out of foreclosed homes. It’s great, because all those homes had people in them a few years ago!

President Barack Obama: Good for you! Staying outdoors. Probably a lot of PERKS, right?

Man #2: Yeahhhh. Sometimes I EAT them raccoons!

President Barack Obama: Anybody else better off? Anybody?

Man #3: [ jittery ] I am! I’m doing GREAT! I’m doing really, really great! Real good, I’m doing REAL good! I’m doing real good!

President Barack Obama: What do you do? What do you do?

Man #3: Uhhh… I guess I’m a cook. A chemist. Cook. Chemist! Cook! Cook! Chemist! I got a trailer in Baluga! [ he starts whooping and hollaring ]

President Barack Obama: Okay! Okay! Alright! That guy’s fired up! Let’s move on. Anyone else feel they’re much better off than four years ago? [ a man raises his hand ] Yes, sir? Uhhh, and what do you do?

Man #4: Uh… uh… i don’t have a job. I just won a lot of money in a lawsuit last year.

President Barack Obama: [ confused ] I see.

Man #4: Yeah. I was eating at a Burger King… and some guy just hit me with a brick.

President Barack Obama: [ excited ] There you go! Circle of life! Look — can we at least agree that Mitt Romney… would be worse?

[ the crowd applauds enthusiastically ]

President Barack Obama: Okay. That’s right. There’s something we can ALL believe in, America! And, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: 1-800-FLOWERS

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 20

12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend


Kathleen…..Kristen Wiig
Mom…..Kate McKinnon
Waiter…..Tim Robinson
Dad…..Bill Hader

[ open on Kathleen walking through flower garden ]

Kathleen: Flowers are nature’s most beautiful gift. So this Mother’s Day, I’m gonna ahow my mom how much I care, with a little help from 1-800-FLOWERS.

[ cut to Kathleen giving Mom a vase of flowers ]

Kathleen: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

Mom: Ohhhh… honey, I love these! Thank you!

Kathleen V/O: The gift that’s as wonderful as she is.

Mom: But… maybe you should keep them, because your apartment is so sad.

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: Because my mom means EVERYTHING to me! And I love EVERYTHING about her!

[ cut to Kathleen at brunch with Mom ]

Mom: Excuse me?

Waiter: Yeah?

Mom: Are there nuts in this?

Kathleen: There are never nuts in Eggs Benedict. You don’t need to ask that every time.

Mom: Well, I’m sorry for double-checking, Kathleen.

Kathleen: You’re not even allergic. Nothing would happen.

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: I guess you could say she’s my favorite person in the whole entire world!

[ cut to Kathleen in kitchen with mom ]

Mom: You know that mattress store downtown? Mattress Factory?

Kathleen: No.

Mom: Mattress Warehouse?

Kathleen: No.

Mom: The owner… hanged himself.

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: She’s my role model, my best friend, and everything I hope I’ll be one day.

[ cut to Mom entering Kathleen’s bedroom in the midle of the night ]

Mom: I can’t find my debit card, I think my identity’s been thieved!

Kathleen: I’m sleeping!

[ Mom sits on the bed as she dials Customer Service ]

Kathleen: Why are you up?!

Mom: [ into the phone ] Representative! 2 – 4 – 5…

[ Kathleen screams underneath her pillow ] [ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: So this Mother’s Day, I’m turning to 1-800-FLOWERS. to help than my mom for all the amazing times.

[ cut to Kathleen at brunch with her mom ]

Mom: So what’s the latest with that Leann Rimes girl?

Kathleen: I have no idea.

Mom: What a saga that is. Geez…

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: And, above all, how open and honest we are with each other.

[ cut to Kathleen and Mom in the kitchen ]

Mom: Last week, your father and I watched a porno.

Kathleen: WHY would you share that with me?!

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: So call or click today, and make this a Mother’s Day she won’t ever forget.

Mom: [ entering scene ] I still can’t find my debit card…!

Kathleen: Mom! I am doing a COMMERCIAL!!

Mom: [ digging through purse ] Here, I’ll double-check inside this guy. God, I wish I was a lesbian so I didn’t have to carry a purse. [ Kathleen wanders off ] Where are you going? Honey, it’s your commercial! I didn’t mean to interrupt! Come back! Coem back!

Announcer: 1-800-FLOWERS. Buckle up, ’cause Father’s Day is next

[ cut to Kathleen and Dad in kitchen ]

Dad: Kathleen… it was an Asian porno.

Kathleen: [ throwing her spoon down ] DAD!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 2: 09/27/12: Replacement Refs

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Bonus Episode 2

Weekend Update Thursday 2

Replacement Refs

Larry…..Bobby Moynihan
Lewis…..Kenan Thompson
Paul…..Fred Armisen
Steve…..Tim Robinson
Judge…..Aidy Bryant
Defendant…..Bill Hader
Patient…..Taran Killam

Announcer: This Friday on NBC.

[ cut to theme sequence ]

“Replacemet Refs! They’re trying their hardest.
What they lack in experience, they lack in decisiveness
You wanted the best
But you’re getting Replacement Refs!”

Larry: I’m Larry!

Lewis: I’m Lewis!

Paul: I’m Paul!

Steve: I’m Dave! I mean… Steve.

“You wanted the bestBut you’re getting Replacement Refs!”

Steve: First down!

[ Paul blows his whistle, as Lewis throws down a yellow flag and Larry raises his arms ] [ cut to exterior, courthouse ]

Announcer: Episode 42: “The Trial”.

[ dissolve to interior, courtroom ]

Judge: [ banging gavel ] Has the jury reached their verdict?

Steve: Ummm… yeah! I mean, we — we feel pretty good about it, yeah.

Judge: Will the defendant please rise?

Defendant: [ rising ] I just want to reiterate what I’ve said every day of this trial! I KILLED those people…! AND I’D DO IT AGAIN!!!

Judge: Mr. Foreman?

Steve: [ apprehensively ] Uh… uh… Not Guilty!

[ Paul blows his whistle, as Lewis throws down a yellow flag and Larry raises his arms ] [ screen freezes ]

“You wanted the best
But you’re getting Replacement Refs!”

[ SUPER: “No Replacement Refs Were Harmed In The Making Of This Program” ] [ dissolve to exterior, Hospital ]

Announcer: Next week, on “Replacement Refs”:

[ dissolve to interior, hospital room ]

Patient: So… my ears are a little stuffed up… and there’s a hint of a tickle at the back of my throat.

Larry: [ worried ] Ohhh, he’s DEAD! Let’s call it!

Steve: Time of death: [ he glances briefly at his watch ] 2:15.

Patient: No, no, no! I’m not dead! [ he glances at his watch ] Also, it’s 4:30.

[ Paul blows his whistle, as Lewis throws down a yellow flag and Larry raises his arms ]

“You wanted the best
But you’re getting Replacement Refs!”

Steve: First down!

[ Paul blows his whistle, as Lewis throws down a yellow flag and Larry raises his arms ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 20

12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend


…..Kristen Wiig

Kristen Wiig: Thanks to Vampire Weekend! Maya Rudolph! Jonah Hill! I can’t tell you how much it means to me to be back here! Happy Mother’s Day! Thank you! Have a good mother’s Day!

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 2012-2013

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: 2012-2013


  • Fred Armisen
  • Vanessa Bayer
  • Bill Hader
  • Taran Killam
  • Seth Meyers
  • Bobby Moynihan
  • Nasim Pedrad
  • Jay Pharoah
  • Jason Sudeikis
  • Kenan Thompson

  • Aidy Bryant
  • Kate McKinnon
  • Tim Robinson
  • Cecily Strong
  • Writers:

  • James Anderson
  • Neil Casey
  • Jim Downey
  • Steve Higgins
  • Zach Kanin
  • Chris Kelly
  • Joe Kelly
  • Erik Kenward
  • Rob Klein
  • Lorne Michaels
  • Michael Patrick O’Brien
  • Josh Patten
  • Paula Pell
  • Sarah Schneider
  • Pete Schultz
  • John Solomon
  • Kent Sublette
  • Episodes

  • 09/15/12: Seth MacFarlane / Frank Ocean
  • 09/20/12: Weekend Update Thursday 1
  • 09/22/12: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons
  • 09/27/12: Weekend Update Thursday 2
  • 10/06/12: Daniel Craig / Muse
  • 10/13/12: Christina Applegate / Passion Pit
  • 10/20/12: Bruno Mars
  • 11/03/12: Louis C.K. / Fun.
  • 11/10/12: Anne Hathaway / Rihanna
  • 11/17/12: Jeremy Renner / Maroon 5
  • 12/08/12: Jamie Foxx / Ne-Yo
  • 12/15/12: Martin Short / Paul McCartney
  • 01/19/13: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers
  • 01/26/13: Adam Levine / Kendrick Lamar
  • 02/09/13: Justin Bieber
  • 02/16/13: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes
  • 03/02/13: Kevin Hart / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
  • 03/09/13: Justin Timberlake
  • 04/06/13: Melissa McCarthy / Phoenix
  • 04/13/13: Vince Vaughn / Miguel
  • 05/04/13: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men
  • 05/11/13: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend
  • 05/18/13: Ben Affleck / Kanye West
  • Summary

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Benghazi Hearings

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 38: Episode 20

    12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

    Benghazi Hearings

    Darrell Issa…..Bill Hader
    Elijah Cummings…..Kenan Thompson
    Bailiff…..Tim Robinson
    Jodi Arias…..Nasim Pedrad
    Trey Gowdy…..Taran Killam
    Ariel Castro…..Bobby Moynihan

    [ open on C-Span card ]

    Announcer: Next on C-Span: In September 2012, the U.S. Consulate at Benghazi, Libya was overrun by Islamic militants. It led to the death of Ambassador Jay Christopher Stevens and three others. This week, the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform reopened hearings on the White House response to the attack.

    [ dissolve to the Benghazi Hearings ]

    Darrell Issa: [ banging his gavel ] Everyone will kindly take their seats, please! We welcome you to this, our third day of hearings on our government’s bungled response to the attacks last September on our consulate in Benghazi, Libya. Before I call our lead-off witness, may I first say how truly unfortunate it is that our mainstream media — with the exception of Fox News — has shown such a lack of interest in this important story. It’s a shame and a disgrace.

    Elijah Cummings: Uh, Mr. Chairman?

    Darrell Issa: Uh, the Chair recognizes the gentleman from Maryland.

    Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, if I may: I think the reason that the media hasn’t covered these hearings is that everyone knows this is just a partisan witch hunt, and a chance to atack the President and Secretary-of-State Clinton.

    Darrell Issa: While my Democratic colleague is welcomed to his opinion, I’d like to see him and his friends in the media ignore these hearings after they hear from our first witness! [ he smiels devilishly ] The Chair calls Miss Jodi Arias.

    Bailiff: [ to Arias ] Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

    Jodi Arias: I do.

    Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, I’m sorry, but Miss Arias is a 32-year old woman who was just convicted of killing her boyfriend. I FAIL to see what POSSIBLE insights or expertise that SHE could bring to the events in Benghazi!

    Darrell Issa: I think you’ll be, uh, pleasantly surprised. Miss Arias is a poised and intelligent —

    Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, if you ask ME… I think this witness has been called today for the SOLE purpose of boosting the ratings for these hearings! AND getting the media to cover them!

    Darrell Issa: That is a very MEAN and HURTFUL thing for my colleague to suggest. And it hurts me very deeply. Do you realize how hard it was to book her? — Especially THIS week?!

    Elijah Cummings: Whatever!

    Darrell Issa: Representative Gowdy, your witness.

    Trey Gowdy: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Uh, Miss Arias. Let’s talk about the events at Benghazi. When were you first made aware that our consulate was under attack?

    Jodi Arias: I guess… this morning.

    Trey Gowdy: I see.

    Jodi Arias: Is it… still going on?

    Trey Gowdy: No. No. It happened last September. But, uh, my question —

    Jodi Arias: Who do you think did it?

    Trey Gowdy: Well, we know who did it. It was Ansar al-Sharria.

    Jodi Arias: Well, if you know who did it… then why are you holding these hearings?

    [ Gawdy is speechless ]

    Darrell Issa: Miss Arias. The way these hearings work is we ask the questions, and you answer them.

    Jodi Arias: Oh, I’m sorry.

    Darrell Issa: That’s alright. Does anyone else have a question for this witness? Anyone? [ no response ] Okay! Well… Thank you for coming.

    Jodi Arias: Um… You bet!

    Darrell Issa: While I’ve got you here, uh — That story you told, about your boyfriend attacknig you? That was BS, right?

    Jodi Arias: Oh, totally! He… never laid a hand on me!

    Darrell Issa: Yeah! Yeah, that sounded fishy to me!

    Jodi Arias: You and the jury!

    Darrell Issa: [ he laughs uproariously ] THank you again for your very couragous and very informative testimony here today.

    Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, I don’t think that testimony was the least bit informative! Once again, I believe the last witness was called purely for TV ratings! Particularly, the key demographic of women, 18 to 45!

    Darrell Issa: [ playfully ] Awwwwww, that is really unfair!

    Elijah Cummings: I mean, what next? The guy from Cleveland who kept those women in his base-ment?

    Darrell Issa: Well… uh… You have to admit, at least the media would cover it.

    Elijah Cummings: Yeah, I guess so. But, still

    [ reveal Ariel Castro seated in the courtroom ]

    Ariel Castro: What about me? When do I get to testify, huh?

    Darrell Issa: [ stunned ] Ohhhh, uhhhh… Don’t you worry there, uh, Mr. Ramsey, uh… Yuo’re on next week! But, for right now: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!”

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Kristen Wiig’s Monologue

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 38: Episode 20

    12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

    Kristen Wiig’s Monologue

    …..Kristen Wiig…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
    …..Maya Rudolph
    …..Jonah Hill
    Abraham Lincoln…..John Solomon
    …..Lorne Michaels

    Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Kristen Wiig!

    [ the audience cheers enthusiastically, as Kristen takes it all in and begins clapping along with them ]

    Kristen Wiig: Why am I clapping? [ she laughs ] Oh, my gosh! WOW! Okay! It’s SO amazing to be back home HOSTING “SNL”! Um — Even though I left the show only 11 months and 30 days ago… it really feels like it’s been a year. Uh, you know… The show was a lot different back then. I was a lot different back then. Do we have a photo of that…?

    [ reveal photo of modern-era David Spade ]

    Kristen Wiig: So embarrassing! I can’t beleive I used to wear my ears that way. Um — But even though things have changed around here, I am still SO happy to be home. Because, tonight… [ music begins to play ] Tonight is a special night.

    [ singing ]“Tonight’s the night I’m gonna make it happen!
    Tonight, I’m hosting ‘SNL’ for yooooouuuu!
    ‘Cause even though I’ve been away a while now
    I still know Camera 1 from Camera 2.”

    [ she erroneously faces Camera 2, then turns to face Camera 1 ] [ cast members appear behind Kristen and dance ]

    Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
    And I’m back inside it!
    I’m about to start the show, and I hope you like it!

    Tonight’s the night I’m back here where I started
    I know this place like the back of my own hand.”

    [ she looks at the back of her hand ]

    Oh, that’s weird.

    [ singing ]“So come with me, let’s take a tour of backstage.
    I’ll introduce you to all of my closest friends.”

    [ she passes through the audience to reach Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, and Vanessa Bayer ]

    Kristen Wiig: “Oh, look, it’s Kenan…!”

    Bill Hader: Bill!

    Kristen Wiig: “And Bobby…”

    Jason Sudeikis: Jason.

    Kristen Wiig: “And don’t forget Will Ferrell!”

    Vanessa Bayer: Sure!

    Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“Come with me-ee! And see-ee!
    I worked her for a while
    So I know! Where to go! In the studioooo!!”

    [ she attempts to push a door open ]

    Kristen Wiig: Is this door locked?

    Jason Sudeikis: Of course, it is. Yeah. It’s a Fire Door. It’s always locked.

    Kristen Wiig: Oh. Yeah… yeah, I knew that. Yeah. I used to work here!

    [ she laughs and continues down a back hall ]

    Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]”I’m so excited!And I’m back inside it!And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… where stuff is!Where stuff is!”

    [ she reaches a Janitor’s door ]

    Kristen Wiig: Oh, look! It’s my dressing room! Cool! [ she opens the door to reveal Maya Rudolph making out with Jonah Hill ] Oh, my God! Maya! Jonah! What are you guys doing?!

    Maya Rudolph: Well, what does it LOOK like we’re doing?!

    Jonah Hill: We’re trying to make a baby!

    Kristen Wiig: But… you’re already pregnant.

    [ Maya and Jonah look dow at her belly and high-five one another ]

    Together: IT WORKED!!

    [ Kristen continues down the hall ]

    Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
    But I’m getting frightened!
    All the hallways look the same, and I don’t like it.”

    [ Kenan Thompson appears ]

    Kenan Thompson: Hey, Kristen!

    [ Kristen zaps him with a taser ]

    Kenan Thompson: Owwwww!! Why’d you taze me?!

    Kristen Wiig: Sorry! I got scared!

    Kenan Thompson: I was just coming to give you a hug.

    [ he extends his arms, as she zaps him again ]

    Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry! I’m REALLY scared! Don’t be mad! I’m sorry!

    [ Kristen zaps him again, then walks over to a fake Abraham Lincoln chatting with showgirls across the hall ]

    Kristen Wiig: Oh, I LOVED you in “Lincoln”, by the way! You were great!

    [ Kristen continues down the hall ]

    Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh… this is harder than I thought…

    [ she runs into Fred Armisen ]

    Kristen Wiig: Fred! Fred!

    Fred Armisen: Oh, my God! I’m so happy to see you! Can I borrow $5,000?

    Kristen Wiig: Fred, I’m in the middle of a monologue.

    Fred Armisen: Wha…? [ he notices the camera ] Oh! uhhh… $2,000?

    Kristen Wiig: Yeah. Fine. That’s fine.

    Fred Armisen: Great! Thanks!

    Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
    I’m just a little misguided…”

    [ she runs into Lorne Michaels ]

    Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh! Lorne! Lorne, I feel like I don’t know where ANYTHING is any more. And someone told me if I screw up the monologue, that I can never host again.

    Lorne Michaels: Nonsense! You’re doing GREAT!

    Kristen Wiig: Okay! Thanks, Lorne, thank you!

    [ she kisses Lorne on the cheek and runs back toward Home Base ]

    Lorne Michaels: [ looking over ] Did you tell Kristen that?

    [ reveal Gilly ]

    Gilly: [ smiling mischieviously ] What?

    Lorne Michaels: Gillyyyyy.

    Gilly: Uh-huh!

    Lorne Michaels: Gilly.

    Gilly: Sorry, Boss!

    [ return to Kristen approaching Home Base, the cast surrounding her in two lines ]

    Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
    And I just can’t hide it!
    And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… I’m back home!
    I’m back home!

    I’m so excited!
    We’re reunited!
    And we have, we have, we have, we have, we have… a great show!
    A great show!”

    [ confetti pours down ]

    Kristen Wiig: Thank you SO much! we have a GREAT show! Vampire Weekend is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 38: Episode 21

    This free script provided by]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    Bit Players:

    Guest Writer:

    May 18th, 2013

    Ben Affleck

    Kanye West


    Jennifer Garner

    Amy Poehler

    Steve Jones

    Carrie Brownstein

    Kim Gordon

    J Mascis

    Aimee Mann

    Michael Penn



    Politics Nation with Al SharptonSummary: Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) is skeptical that the IRS is unfairly targeting the tax records of Tea Party members, and equally skeptical that he’s lost weight if he’s still huge.

    Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton.


    Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Ben Affleck’s entrance into the Five-Timers Club passes quietly because all the honored celebrities were just here for Justin Timberlake.Instead, he sets the record straight on his Oscar acceptance speech and asks wife Jennifer Garner to back up his comments.


    Bengo F#*@ YourselfSummary: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) stars as Ben Affleck in his own “Argo” retaliation film.

    Recurring Characters: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.


    Xanax for Gay Summer WeddingsSummary: Heterosexual guests are only able to make it through the over-the-top proceedings at a gay summer wedding if they’re heavily medicated with the new Xanax product.

    Depression SceneSummary: In Depression-era 1930’s New York, homesless dirtbag Edward Bing (Bill Hader) has lofty aspirations when a businessman (Ben Affleck) offers his a menial labor job.

    New Beginnings CampSummary:

    Kanye West performs “Black Skinhead”

    Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” to the IRS’ recent targeting of Tea Party members’ tax records. City Correspondent Stefon (Bill Hader) lists an inappropriate Spring tourist destination, then storms off to marry Anderon Cooper over Seth’s objections.

    Recurring Characters: Stefon, Girl, Arianna Huffington, Ann Romney, David Patterson, Jean K. Jean, Jacob, Drunk Uncle, The Devil.


    Greg Pulino’s FuneralSummary:

    Hermes HandbagsSummary: Vacuous ex-porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer) and her frind (Cecily Strong) submit a commercial for free Hermes handbags, with the help of former porn actor Girth Brooks (Ben Affleck).

    Recurring Characters: Brookie, Friend.


    Kanye West performs “New Slaves”

    Shauna’s EngagementSummary:

    Ian Rubbish and the Bizarros perform “It’s a Lovely Day”Recurring Characters: Ian Rubbish.



    Dress Rehearsal Cuts

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Bengo F#*@ Yourself

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 38: Episode 21

    12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West

    Bengo F#*@ Yourself

    Mahmoud Ahmadinejad/Ben Affleck…..Fred Armisen
    Hollywood Executive…..Bill Hader
    Secretary…..Vanessa Bayer
    Director…..Bobby Moynihan
    Sound Man/Himself…..Ben Affleck

    Announcer: [ over Iranian flag ] And now, a message from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

    [ dissolve to Ahmadinejad, with assistance from a translator voiceover ]

    V/O: Good evening. This year, America’s Hollywood released a film titled “Argo”. This film was rich with lies and falsehoods. Despite Iranian protests, “Argo” was showered with awards and hailed as a triumph. This film left me with no choice. And today, I’m happy to announce I’ve produced a film in response. It tells the story of the fabricator Ben Affleck, and how he tricked Hollywood into making his film. I’m also happy to announce that I play the role of Ben Affleck. Enjoy this HBO: First Look.

    [ cut to “HBO: First Look” graphics, and movie poster ]

    Announcer: Tonight on “HBO: First Look”: It’s the new Iranian film “Bengo F#*@ Yourself”, with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as Ben Affleck.

    [ dissolve to Hollywood ]

    Hollywood Executive: Ha ha haaaa! I’m a Hollywood executive! What is it, Secretary?

    Secretary: Ben Affleck is here to see you.

    Hollywood Executive: Let him in!

    [ Mahmoud as Ben Affleck enters ]

    “Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” I’m Ben Affleck! Here, I brought you some baked beef, bro!

    Hollywood Executive: Ah, yes! These are popular in your native city of Boston! So… tell me about your film.

    “Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” It is a film about a CIA operation. But I must warn you: It’s ENTIRELY made up!

    Hollywood Executive: Why would I finance a film that is based on fabrication?

    “Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” Because you are a Hollywood Jew who only cares for PROFITS!

    Hollywood Executive: Excellent point!

    “Ben Affleck”: YOU awhhh!

    [ they shake hands and pose for the camera ] [ cut to Director testimonial, with translator voiceover ]

    V/O: Mahoud was cast because he is a great actor, not because he is President. Yes, it is true he has to say “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd” before each line, to find the Boston accent… but that only speaks to his committment.

    [ cut to movie still ]

    Announcer: In this next scene, we see Mahmoud A as Ben Affleck have a heated exchange with his sound man — played by Ben Affleck!

    [ cut to scene ]

    “Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” Where’s my sound man?!

    [ Sound man steps forward ]

    Sound Man: What can I do for you, Mr. Ben Affleck?

    “Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” It is VERY important to me that you record all the lines clearly, even though each one is FULL of lies! Okay, I’m gonna do the next scene SHIRTLESS, because I love my body! You understand me, BRO?! [ the real Affleck stifles a laugh ] You understand me, BRO?!

    Sound Man: Uh, yes! [ he laughs ] I understand. But I have to ask: How do you justify making a film that you know to be COMPLETELY untrue?

    “Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” Uh — It doesn’t matter if it’s true or untrue, Bro. All that matters is: Money in my pockets!

    [ cut to Ben Affleck testimonial ]

    Ben Affleck: Why would I agree to appear in this movie? Well, to be honest, I’ve been long looking to appear in a movie worse than “Gigli”. [ the audience applauds wildly ] And as soon as I read this script, I knew I found it!

    [ cut to movie still ]

    Announcer: Here’s a sneal peak at the climactic last scene of the film, where Affleck wins his Oscar.

    [ cut to scene ]

    “Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” I’d like to thank the Academy, as well as the Elders of Zion, for this awahd! Tonight we celebrate that which is not true! Marriage is WORK! Good night!

    [ cut to movie poster ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts