SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Benghazi Hearings



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 20
















12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Benghazi Hearings

Darrell Issa…..Bill Hader
Elijah Cummings…..Kenan Thompson
Bailiff…..Tim Robinson
Jodi Arias…..Nasim Pedrad
Trey Gowdy…..Taran Killam
Ariel Castro…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span card ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span: In September 2012, the U.S. Consulate at Benghazi, Libya was overrun by Islamic militants. It led to the death of Ambassador Jay Christopher Stevens and three others. This week, the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform reopened hearings on the White House response to the attack.

[ dissolve to the Benghazi Hearings ]

Darrell Issa: [ banging his gavel ] Everyone will kindly take their seats, please! We welcome you to this, our third day of hearings on our government’s bungled response to the attacks last September on our consulate in Benghazi, Libya. Before I call our lead-off witness, may I first say how truly unfortunate it is that our mainstream media — with the exception of Fox News — has shown such a lack of interest in this important story. It’s a shame and a disgrace.

Elijah Cummings: Uh, Mr. Chairman?

Darrell Issa: Uh, the Chair recognizes the gentleman from Maryland.

Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, if I may: I think the reason that the media hasn’t covered these hearings is that everyone knows this is just a partisan witch hunt, and a chance to atack the President and Secretary-of-State Clinton.

Darrell Issa: While my Democratic colleague is welcomed to his opinion, I’d like to see him and his friends in the media ignore these hearings after they hear from our first witness! [ he smiels devilishly ] The Chair calls Miss Jodi Arias.

Bailiff: [ to Arias ] Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Jodi Arias: I do.

Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, I’m sorry, but Miss Arias is a 32-year old woman who was just convicted of killing her boyfriend. I FAIL to see what POSSIBLE insights or expertise that SHE could bring to the events in Benghazi!

Darrell Issa: I think you’ll be, uh, pleasantly surprised. Miss Arias is a poised and intelligent —

Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, if you ask ME… I think this witness has been called today for the SOLE purpose of boosting the ratings for these hearings! AND getting the media to cover them!

Darrell Issa: That is a very MEAN and HURTFUL thing for my colleague to suggest. And it hurts me very deeply. Do you realize how hard it was to book her? — Especially THIS week?!

Elijah Cummings: Whatever!

Darrell Issa: Representative Gowdy, your witness.

Trey Gowdy: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Uh, Miss Arias. Let’s talk about the events at Benghazi. When were you first made aware that our consulate was under attack?

Jodi Arias: I guess… this morning.

Trey Gowdy: I see.

Jodi Arias: Is it… still going on?

Trey Gowdy: No. No. It happened last September. But, uh, my question —

Jodi Arias: Who do you think did it?

Trey Gowdy: Well, we know who did it. It was Ansar al-Sharria.

Jodi Arias: Well, if you know who did it… then why are you holding these hearings?

[ Gawdy is speechless ]

Darrell Issa: Miss Arias. The way these hearings work is we ask the questions, and you answer them.

Jodi Arias: Oh, I’m sorry.

Darrell Issa: That’s alright. Does anyone else have a question for this witness? Anyone? [ no response ] Okay! Well… Thank you for coming.

Jodi Arias: Um… You bet!

Darrell Issa: While I’ve got you here, uh — That story you told, about your boyfriend attacknig you? That was BS, right?

Jodi Arias: Oh, totally! He… never laid a hand on me!

Darrell Issa: Yeah! Yeah, that sounded fishy to me!

Jodi Arias: You and the jury!

Darrell Issa: [ he laughs uproariously ] THank you again for your very couragous and very informative testimony here today.

Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, I don’t think that testimony was the least bit informative! Once again, I believe the last witness was called purely for TV ratings! Particularly, the key demographic of women, 18 to 45!

Darrell Issa: [ playfully ] Awwwwww, that is really unfair!

Elijah Cummings: I mean, what next? The guy from Cleveland who kept those women in his base-ment?

Darrell Issa: Well… uh… You have to admit, at least the media would cover it.

Elijah Cummings: Yeah, I guess so. But, still

[ reveal Ariel Castro seated in the courtroom ]

Ariel Castro: What about me? When do I get to testify, huh?

Darrell Issa: [ stunned ] Ohhhh, uhhhh… Don’t you worry there, uh, Mr. Ramsey, uh… Yuo’re on next week! But, for right now: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Kristen Wiig’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 20
























12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Kristen Wiig’s Monologue

…..Kristen Wiig…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Jonah Hill
Abraham Lincoln…..John Solomon
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Kristen Wiig!

[ the audience cheers enthusiastically, as Kristen takes it all in and begins clapping along with them ]

Kristen Wiig: Why am I clapping? [ she laughs ] Oh, my gosh! WOW! Okay! It’s SO amazing to be back home HOSTING “SNL”! Um — Even though I left the show only 11 months and 30 days ago… it really feels like it’s been a year. Uh, you know… The show was a lot different back then. I was a lot different back then. Do we have a photo of that…?

[ reveal photo of modern-era David Spade ]

Kristen Wiig: So embarrassing! I can’t beleive I used to wear my ears that way. Um — But even though things have changed around here, I am still SO happy to be home. Because, tonight… [ music begins to play ] Tonight is a special night.

[ singing ]“Tonight’s the night I’m gonna make it happen!
Tonight, I’m hosting ‘SNL’ for yooooouuuu!
‘Cause even though I’ve been away a while now
I still know Camera 1 from Camera 2.”

[ she erroneously faces Camera 2, then turns to face Camera 1 ] [ cast members appear behind Kristen and dance ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
And I’m back inside it!
I’m about to start the show, and I hope you like it!

Tonight’s the night I’m back here where I started
I know this place like the back of my own hand.”

[ she looks at the back of her hand ]

Oh, that’s weird.

[ singing ]“So come with me, let’s take a tour of backstage.
I’ll introduce you to all of my closest friends.”

[ she passes through the audience to reach Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, and Vanessa Bayer ]

Kristen Wiig: “Oh, look, it’s Kenan…!”

Bill Hader: Bill!

Kristen Wiig: “And Bobby…”

Jason Sudeikis: Jason.

Kristen Wiig: “And don’t forget Will Ferrell!”

Vanessa Bayer: Sure!

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“Come with me-ee! And see-ee!
I worked her for a while
So I know! Where to go! In the studioooo!!”

[ she attempts to push a door open ]

Kristen Wiig: Is this door locked?

Jason Sudeikis: Of course, it is. Yeah. It’s a Fire Door. It’s always locked.

Kristen Wiig: Oh. Yeah… yeah, I knew that. Yeah. I used to work here!

[ she laughs and continues down a back hall ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]”I’m so excited!And I’m back inside it!And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… where stuff is!Where stuff is!”

[ she reaches a Janitor’s door ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, look! It’s my dressing room! Cool! [ she opens the door to reveal Maya Rudolph making out with Jonah Hill ] Oh, my God! Maya! Jonah! What are you guys doing?!

Maya Rudolph: Well, what does it LOOK like we’re doing?!

Jonah Hill: We’re trying to make a baby!

Kristen Wiig: But… you’re already pregnant.

[ Maya and Jonah look dow at her belly and high-five one another ]

Together: IT WORKED!!

[ Kristen continues down the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
But I’m getting frightened!
All the hallways look the same, and I don’t like it.”

[ Kenan Thompson appears ]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, Kristen!

[ Kristen zaps him with a taser ]

Kenan Thompson: Owwwww!! Why’d you taze me?!

Kristen Wiig: Sorry! I got scared!

Kenan Thompson: I was just coming to give you a hug.

[ he extends his arms, as she zaps him again ]

Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry! I’m REALLY scared! Don’t be mad! I’m sorry!

[ Kristen zaps him again, then walks over to a fake Abraham Lincoln chatting with showgirls across the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, I LOVED you in “Lincoln”, by the way! You were great!

[ Kristen continues down the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh… this is harder than I thought…

[ she runs into Fred Armisen ]

Kristen Wiig: Fred! Fred!

Fred Armisen: Oh, my God! I’m so happy to see you! Can I borrow $5,000?

Kristen Wiig: Fred, I’m in the middle of a monologue.

Fred Armisen: Wha…? [ he notices the camera ] Oh! uhhh… $2,000?

Kristen Wiig: Yeah. Fine. That’s fine.

Fred Armisen: Great! Thanks!

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
I’m just a little misguided…”

[ she runs into Lorne Michaels ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh! Lorne! Lorne, I feel like I don’t know where ANYTHING is any more. And someone told me if I screw up the monologue, that I can never host again.

Lorne Michaels: Nonsense! You’re doing GREAT!

Kristen Wiig: Okay! Thanks, Lorne, thank you!

[ she kisses Lorne on the cheek and runs back toward Home Base ]

Lorne Michaels: [ looking over ] Did you tell Kristen that?

[ reveal Gilly ]

Gilly: [ smiling mischieviously ] What?

Lorne Michaels: Gillyyyyy.

Gilly: Uh-huh!

Lorne Michaels: Gilly.

Gilly: Sorry, Boss!

[ return to Kristen approaching Home Base, the cast surrounding her in two lines ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
And I just can’t hide it!
And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… I’m back home!
I’m back home!

I’m so excited!
We’re reunited!
And we have, we have, we have, we have, we have… a great show!
A great show!”

[ confetti pours down ]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you SO much! we have a GREAT show! Vampire Weekend is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts