SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Ben Affleck’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 21

12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West

Ben Affleck’s Monologue

…..Ben Affleck
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Jennifer Garner

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ben Affleck!

Ben Affleck: Thank you! Thank you! It is SO great to be back hosting “SNL”! It’s especially great, because this is my FIFTH time hosting! [ the audience cheers wildly ] You know, I have to say — watching Justin Timberlake join the Five-Timers Club just a few months ago… got me very excited! You know? I mean, Steve Martin showed up. Tom Hanks. Paul Simon. So I’m like, “Who’s gonna show up when I do it?”

[ suddenly, Bobby Moynihan appears dressed in a 5 t-shirt ]

Bobby Moynihan: Hey, Ben.

Ben Affleck: Hi, Bobby. What — What are you doing here?

Bobby Moynihan: I just wanted to welcome you to the Five-Timers Club.

Ben Affleck: Are there any actual members of the Five-Timers Club here?

Bobby Moynihan: Oh — They were just here for Justin Timberlake, so… so, NO. But if you’d like, I would be happy to sing for you the “Welcome to the Five-Timers Club” song! [ he chuckles nervously ]

Ben Affleck: [ he shrugs ] Uh… okay, sure.

Bobby Moynihan: [ he gasps ] Oh.

Ben Affleck: Oh, what?

Bobby Moynihan: I just thought you would say, “No.”

Ben Affleck: So there is no song?

Bobby Moynihan: [ he shifts his eyes, then sings ] “Five times… Each one better than the last…”

Ben Affleck: No. No, no, no…

Bobby Moynihan: Thanks, man. If you at least want this 5 t-shirt…? [ he laughs nervously ]

Ben Affleck: Uhhhh — I guess that’s kind of cool, sure.

Bobby Moynihan: [ he gasps ] Oh. I’m just not wearing anything underneath it.

Ben Affleck: Thanks, Bobby.

Bobby Moynihan: You’re welcome!

[ Bobby exits ]

Ben Affleck: Nice guy. You know what? It’s fine! Because I still had a really exciting year. I directed “Argo”, which won an Oscar for Best Picture. [ the audience cheers wildly ] And I decided that, while winning an Oscar was a HUGE thrill… giving an Oscar acceptance speech is COMPLETELY terrifying. And, uh — You may remember, in my speech, I thanked my wife. And I also said that the essence of marriage is work. And we’ve worked together on our marriage. And, uh, some uncharitable souls on the Internet put that to mean that our marriage is some kind of “manual labor.” That’s not — No, that’s not it. You know, you define what’s important to you by what you dedicate your time to. And my wife knew EXACTLY what I meant. And so, to disprove the naysayers, I asked her to come here tonight. [ he glances off-stage ] Jen?

[ Jennifer Garner appears, to huge applause ]

Jennifer Garner: Hi, honey!

Ben Affleck: So, Jen, would you… would you, just now, DISPEL this notion and TELL the people what I meant by: “Marriage is work”?

Jennifer Garner: Yes, I will! Well, yeah, it’s a way that we talk privately about how committed we are to our marriage.

Ben Affleck: Yes. Right! See that?

Jennifer Garner: I’m not sure why you have to share it to a million people, but… [ she laughs]

Ben Affleck: I mean, but… Our marriage is a work of LOVE! What would you have called it in a speech?

Jennifer Garner: A GIFT! I would have said, “Thank you to my wife, for our marriage is a GIFT!”

Ben Affleck: Yeah… That’s one way to go. I guess. [ he clears his throat ] Because, you know, it’s… it’s a gift to… to… the WORK of marriage, which you’ve GIFTED me with enormous WORK! To be completely honest.

Jennifer Garner: Well, if we’re gonna be completely honest here, why don’t we just go and mention who DOES all of the work?

Ben Affleck: Uh — That’s TOO “inside”! The people don’t want to HEAR that! You see?

Jennifer Garner: Mmm-hmm.

Ben Affleck: I’ll tell you what, though — I want to tell you how I wish I’d ended that speech. Okay? “I couldn’t do any of the things I do without your support. You’re my angel, my life, and my world.”

Jennifer Garner: [ smiling ] You’re reading that!

[ she points to a cue card man holding a cue card with those very words written on it ]

Ben Affleck: I mean — Yeah. But, uh, you know. It’s true. I love you.

Jennifer Garner: Thank you! You’re a lot of work!

[ they kiss passionately, then she exits ]

Ben Affleck: So — As you can see, we’ll be fine! It’s… the EXACT same conversation used to happen with me and Matt Damon all the time. We have a GREAT show for you tonight! The fabulous, great Kanye West is here! Stick around! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Ian Rubbish and the Bizarros perform “It’s a Lovely Day”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 21

12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West

Ian Rubbish and the Bizarros perform “It’s a Lovely Day”

Ian Rubbish…..Fred Armisen
Bassist…..Bill Hader
Drummer…..Jason Sudeikis
Bassist #2…..Taran Killam
…..Carrie Brownstein
…..Steve Jones
…..J Mascis
…..Kim Gordon
…..Aimee Mann
…..Michael Penn

[ open on Top of the Pops set ]

Ian Rubbish: Hello, how you doing? Uh — yeah. I’m Ian Rubbish, and, uh — Hello, welcome. Uh, these are the Bizzaros. Yeah? [ the audience whoops slightly ] And, uh — Yeah, thank you, cheers! And, uh, we’ve been here all week — [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] We’ve been here all week, and, uh… Well, look, it’s the last night here, and… uh…

Bassist: But, uh — We’re gonna keep playing together. You know? Even though, uh —

Ian Rubbish: Going on tour…

Bassist: Going on tour. We’re heading on tour, but we’re still gonna play together, yeah.

Ian Rubbish: So, uh — What we’re gonna do now, is, uh, is a song about… It’s like when things are DOWN, yeah… and you feel like the whole world’s against ya’, and everything’s changing so fast, yeah. What you do is — you look at everything in the face, yeah, and you say, “I happen to think… it’s gonna be a lovely day!”

[ they begin playing ]

Ian Rubbish: [ singing ]“When they smash… your things…
and throw them in the bin
You gotta say
It’s a lovely day.

When your cup… of tea…
is filled with a sour milk scene
You gotta say
It’s a lovely day.

Sometimes, it seems like things are falling aparrrrrrrt
Just remember, it’s a lovely…”

Ian Rubbish: Alright, well… I’ve got some friends of mine — people who have inspired me through the years — to come up and join me. Alright!

[ Carrie Brownstein and Steve Jones, with guitars, stand on either side of Ian ]

Ian Rubbish: [ singing ]“If your bike… collides…
with where or what resides
You gotta say
It’s a lovely day.”

[ J Mascis and Kim Gordon appear with guitar and tambourine ]

Ian Rubbish: [ singing ]“If life is changing fast
The future’s just the past
You gotta say
It’s a lovely day.”


[ Aimee Mann and Michael Penn appear with guitars ]

Ian Rubbish: [ singing ]“If your mates are not around
And you need them when you’re down.
You gotta hang on
It’s still a lovely day.”

It is!

Ian Rubbish: [ singing ]“It’s been alright
I’ve had a lovely night with you.

All: [ singing ]“It’s been alright
I’ve had a lovely night with you.

It’s been alright
I’ve had a lovely night with you.”

Ian Rubbish: [ singing ]“It’s been alright
I’ve had a lovely night with you.
It’s been alright…
I’ve had a lovely night… with… you.”

[ the audience cheers wildly ] [ pull back and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13: Darrell’s House

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Darrell’s House

Darrell Sparks…..Zach Galifianakis
…..Jon Hamm

[ open on Knoxville Cable Access card ] [ dissolve to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ dissolve to Darrell standing in his living room ]

Darrell: …Hello!

[ jump cut ]

Darrell: …Let me tell you a little bit about myself: I’m Darrell Sparks, and I love to enter–

Wife V/O: What are —

Darrell: –TAIN!! So what do I consider the three keys of entertaining? 1. Great snacks!

[ cut to an empty snack tray ] [ jump cut to snacks now on the tray ]

Darrell: The second key? Good music! That’s why I’m playing…

Darrell V/O: [ as his lips move on-screen ] Al… Jolsen.

[ Al Jolsen music begins to play ]

Darrell: That sounds GREAT!! And last, but not least, great guests!

[ jump cut as a doorbell rings ]

Darrell: I think one is here right now!

[ Darrell walks over to the front door and opens it ]

Darrell: Mr. Jon Hamm!

[ jump cut as the door opens and Jon Hamm steps in ]

Jon Hamm: How youdoing, Darrell?

Darrell: Thanks for coming! [ split-screen on Darrell shaking his friends hand, with Jon Hamm in the pother frame ] You look AMAZING, Jon! What’s your secret?

[ cut to close-up of Jon Hamm ]

Jon Hamm: If I told you… it wouldn’t be a secret!

Darrell: [ he laughs ridiculously over-the-top ] Oh, Jon! Care for some snacks?

[ the two camera angles follow Darrell and Jon Hamm to thesnack area ] [ cut to Jon Hamm putting a snack in his mouth ]

Jon Hamm: Excellent!

Darrell: [ with his Friend’s arm still in the shot ] Why, thank you, Jon! I made them myself!

Jon Hamm: They’re great!

Darrell: You look so happy, Jon, which is surprising — I always heard you were a MAD man!

[ cut to full-frame video footage of the “Showtime at the Apollo” audience whooping it up ]

Darrell: [ with his Friend still in the shot ] Thanks for stopping by, Jon!

[ jump cut to Jon Hamm, with Darrell checking his phone in the background ]

Jon Hamm: Thanks for having me!

[ Jon Hamm exits ]

Darrell: Well… For the first time I had someone to my house, THAT was a success!

[ close-up of Darrell blinking, with a CGI of his right eye still open ] [ jump cut to a freeze-frame of Darrell with the credits scrolling over him ] [ cut back to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 21

This free script provided by]]>

12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
Stefon…..Bill Hader
…..Anderson Cooper
David Zolesky…..Ben Affleck
The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party…..Cecil Strong
Arianna Huffington…..Nasim Pedrad
Jean K. Jean…..Kenan Thompson
David Paterson…..Fred Armisen
Ann Romney……Kate McKinnon
Jacob…..Vanessa Bayer
Drunk Uncle…..Bobby Moynihan
The Devil…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers! Here are tonight’s top stories!

President Obama, this week, denied that he knew about the Inspector General’s report detailing the IRS’s increased scrutiny of conservative groups. So nothing to worry about, America — There’s just a bunch of stuff happening that the President doesn’t know about.

The President also condemned the IRS for targeting conservative groups for extra scrutiny, saying, “Public service is a solemn privilege.” In response, Joe Biden quietly deflated his whoopee cushion.

Minnesota, this week, became the 12th state in the country to legalize gay marriage. So, finally, Minneapolis can stop pretending St. Paul is just its “twin”.

Disney is being criticized for redesigning Merida, the character from “Brave”, to make her more stylish like the traditional Disney princesses. Though, frankly, I’m a little more disturbed by what they’ve done with Goofy. [ image: Goofy with six-pack abs ]

Researchers in the Netherlands are developing a form of in vitro meat, which can be grown in a lab. They say the in vitro meat will be perfect for couples who can’t have steaks of their own.

Seth Meyers: The admission by IRS officials that they unfairly targeted Tea Party groups has both Republicans and Democrats calling for a full-scale investigation. And brings us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”

[ the audience cheers as Amy Poehler appears at the Weekend Update desk with Seth ]

Seth Meyers: So… I guess I should ask: Are you ready to jump back into it, or are you, like, uh…

Amy Poehler: Let me see, uh… “Really!?! Really. Really!”

Seth Meyers: You got it! You got it!

Amy Poehler: I’m good. Let’s go!

Seth Meyers: Really, IRS? Really? IRS: NO ONE needs to avoid scandals more than you! You’re less popular to Americans than EXERCISE! Don’t get me wrong. I understand that, even if you do your job perfectly, IRS, no one’s gonna give you a Gatorade shower. But you’ve gotta try a little harder!

Amy Poehler: I mean, really! The Government only keeps you around to make the DMV look good! In the “Entourage” of government agencies, you’re the Turtle!

Seth Meyers: You’re the Turtle!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And, really? Obama, you said you heard about the scandal when you saw it on TV? You found out from TV?! Really?! I don’t want to live in a world where you have the same sources as my Aunt! You’re the President! I didn’t think you had to watch TV for ANYTHING! I assumed you already knew how “Breaking Bad” ends!

Amy Poehler: And, also: Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted by the IRS? You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate that said “Weed 420″, I might expect to get pulled over now and then.

Seth Meyers: If you had that license plate?

Amy Poehler: Not now!

Seth Meyers: Alright. And, really: Politics aside, should we be surprised that the IRS takes special attention to the tax forms of the Tea Party? Judging from the terrible spelling on their protest signs, attention to detail isn’t really their thing. It’s not fair to scrutinize somebody for hating Obama, but you might want to give them a second look if they spell it “Obambo.” Really!

Amy Poehler: Really! IRS, you’ve gotta spread the scrutiny around a little! Even the TSA pulls a white guy out of the security line every once in a while! You know, just to make it look good!

Seth Meyers: Gotta make it look good!

Amy Poehler: I mean, really! Let’s remember: Everyone cheats on the IRS all the time! Having their job is like being married to 300 million Don Drapers! Really!

Seth Meyers: And, really: We do all have to understand that this is a super jittery time for the IRS. I mean, Wesley Snipes just got out of jail, and Wesley Snipes is NOT happy!

Amy Poehler: Really! Guys, Snipes is OUT! Everyone at the IRS is probably looking over their shoulders and praying they don’t hear the words: “Never tax on Black!”

Seth Meyers: I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: And one more thing, IRS: [ meekly ] Please don’t audit me… I just did my own taxes, and I did them all wrong! I’m really, really, really sorry…!

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth & Amy.”

Seth Meyers: Thank you so mch for coming!

Amy Poehler: Okay, fine! I’ll stay!

Three people in New Jersey were arrested on charges of running a prostitution ring at a senior citizen housing complex. Workers at the complex became suspicious when they heard a man yelling “Bingo!” and it wasn’t Bingo Night.

A restaurant in San Francisco called Bacon Bacon has been ordered to close after neighbors complained about the overwhelming smell of bacon. And it’s got to be really tricky to walk up to a cop and complain that something smells like bacon.

Seth Meyers: A new report reveals that some families are hiring disabled tour guides when visiting Disney theme parks, to help them avoid long lines and use the handicapped entrances. And it’s all made possible by the Controversial Take-A-Wish Foundation.

A topless painting of “Golden Girls” actress Bea Arthur was sold at auction this week for $1.9 million, to someone who doesn’t understand what dollars are.

Soccer superstar David Beckham, on Thursday, announced his retirement from the game. So now he will probably just spend his days sitting around the house, bending it.

[ Seth high-fives Amy ]

An Australian politician, this week, who was taking a morning jog, was attacked by a kangaroo. The man could be heard shouting: [ in a fake Australian accent ] “Help! I know this is hilarious, but still — Help!”

Amy Poehler: Massachusetts police arrested a woman after she ordered a steak-and-cheese sandwich, then punched the employee who made it because it had “too many pickles.” But you know what? I’ll bet that employee knows the right number of pickles now.

A sushi chef in Connecticut is planning to use cicadas this summer in some of his recipes. Said the chef: [ whispering ] “I’m tryin’ to get fired.

Prince Harry, this week, toured the Jersey Shore with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. It was the first meeting between the Prince of the House of Windsor… and the Governor of the House of Pancake.

Seth Meyers: Well, it’s almost summer in New York. Which means millions of tourists will be heading to the city to see what the Big Apple has to offer. Here with some tips on what thy should check out, is City Correspondent Stefon.

[ the audience goes wild as Stefon appears at the desk ]

Seth Meyers: Hi.

Amy Poehler: Hi, Stefon. How have you been?

[ Stefon leers at Amy, then at Seth ]

Stefon: Who’s this?

Seth Meyers: Oh, uh — This is my platonic work friend Amy.

Amy Poehler: Oh. Hey. Thanks.

Seth Meyers: So, Stefon. Uh — Summer’s right around the corner, and what places should people checkout if they’re headed to New York and looking to have a classic New York weekend?

Stefon: If you’re headed to NYC — The Big Apple — THe City That Never Sleeps — THe Thrilla in Manila — then I know just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is: [ deep-voiced ] PANNNNTTSS! [ he covers his face with his hands ] Located on that fake street from “Seinfeld”, this bad bud bridal barn finally answers the question: “Y’all ready to play the Feud?!” This place has EVERYTHING: Double Dutch, Uggi Loves, sling and mesh bladder implants, the table from “Charlie Rose”… [ he covers his face with his hands ] And this weekend, I’ll be having my college reunion there.

Amy Poehler: Oh! Wow! What university did you go to?

Stefon: UTI! [ he covers his face with his hands ] I even made the Dean’s List.

Amy Poehler: You did?

Stefon: Yes. Dean Cain’s list of homeboys not to mess with! Anyway — The bouncer’s a king-sized lesbian who looks like Phil Jackson. And the password is: “Skyyy!!” [ he points, then covershis face with his hands ] And if that isn’t enough for you, you can hit the dance floor with a room full of Human Eight Balls.

Seth Meyers: And — I’m sorry, Stefon — What is a Human Magic Eight Ball?

Stefon: [ he covers his face with his hands ] It’s that thing of when you ask a question, so you shake a midget until he says: “Ask again later!” [ he covers his face with his hands and laughs ]

Seth Meyers: Uhhhh — Stefon, I’m sorry. This just isn’t what we’re looking for.

Stefon: You know what? You NEVER respect me, Seth! I didn’t want to do this here… but I’ve met someone else! And he’s a lot like you… except he likes me for me… and we are getting MARRIED! Bye, Seth Meyers.

[ Stefon rolls away ]

Seth Meyers: Well… [ he shrugs ] Stefon, everybody. Sorry about that.

[ the audience gasps in great shock at this break-up ]

Seth Meyers: [ image: tree frog ] A new study shows that tree frogs in the Am — [ he chokes up ] The tree fogs in the Amazon have been known to —

[ piano music plays ]

Amy Poehler: Hey. [ she reaches out her hand ] Go to him.

Seth Meyers: It’s too late.

Amy Poehler: [ she touches his cheek ] It’s never too late. [ Seth rises and runs ] Follow your heart!

[ cut to footage of Seth running out of 30 Rockefeller Center and through the streets of New York, intercut with clips of prior Seth-Stefon interactions on “Weekend Update” ] [ Seth reaches a cathedral, as the bells gong ]

Seth Meyers: Oh, God… no…!

[ Seth enters the church and runs up to the second level, looking down on the procession below. We see Human Traffic Cones, etc. ]

Seth Meyers: STEFON!!

[ all eyes turn: Fat Urkels, Smurfs, Alf, Menorrah the Explorer, etc. ] [ Stefon also looks up, surprised, as does his groom, Anderson Cooper, who’s displeased ]

Anderson Cooper: Meyers!

Seth Meyers: Cooper!

Stefon: [ high-pitched ] SETTTTTTHHHHHH!!!!

[ Seth runs down and confront Anderson Cooper ]

Anderson Cooper: [ knuckles bared ] Get ready for Anderson Cooper — 360!

[ Cooper spins, as Seth decks him squarely ] [ Seth grabs Stefon by the hand, and they run toward the back of the church ]

Menorah the Explorer: Can you say: “Oh, vey?”

[ DJ Baby Bok Choy rolls up, blocking the crowd of angry spectators ]

Stefon: DJ Baby Bok Choy!

DJ Baby Bok Choy: [ with subtitles ] Run, Stefon, run! I will fend them off! It is too late for me… but I will…

Stefon: Thanks!

[ reveal Stefon’s brother among the spectators ]

David Zolesky: Follow your heart, Bro! FOLLOWWWWW ITTTT!!!

[ dissolve to Seth and Stefon rushing back into Studio 8-H, as the audience goes wild ] [ they stand in front of the “Weekend Update” desk, as The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party, Arainna Huffington, Jean K. Jean, David Paterson, Ann Romney, Jacob, Amy Poehler, Drunk Uncle, and The Devil stand behind the desk and throw rice at them ]



[ they hug ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men


…..Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis: Thanks to Of Monsters and Men, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Jon Hamm! Thank you very much to the cast and crew! Thank you so much, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: SNL Weekend Update Thursday 1: 09/20/12

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Bonus Episode 1

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

September 20th, 2012






Fox & FriendsSummary: Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) examine Mitt Romney’s (Jason Sudeikis) 47% remark and other secretly-videotaped remarks.

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Mitt Romney, Ann Romney.


Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on what to expect as the Presidential campaigns wind down. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) recaps his family’s summer vacation.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, Drunk Uncle.

Convention Cutaways!Summary: Relive a video of exciting cutaway shots of random people in attendance at the Republican and Democrat National Conventions.

Note: This filmed parody was cut from last week’s season premiere with Seth MacFarlane.



SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13: M&M Store

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

M&M Store

Manager…..Jason Sudeikis
Jim…..Zach Galifianakis
Noreen…..Nasim Pedrad
Eddie…..Fred Armisen
Rob…..Tim Robinson
Kyle…..Bobby Moynihan
Joe…..Kenan Thompson
Christina…..Vanessa Bayer

[ open on M&M Store ]

Manager: Alright, uh — Listen up, team! Before we open up the store today, I want to huddle up. Everybody, huddle up, please! [ the employees, wearing different colored shirts, gather round ] Okay. Uh, Jim, you want to come out here, please real quick?

[ Jim, wearing a red M&M costume, ambles in ]

Manager: Now, our new greeter, Jim, here, had a real rough firsy day yesterday, okay? I mean, that goes without saying, right, Jim?

Jim: That’s right.

Manager: Mmm-hmm. Uh — Now, he said some things that wer VERY offensive, but he… he’s asked for a chance to apologize. so we’re gonna let him. Uh, Jim? Why don’t you go ahead.

Jim: Thank you. [ he clears his throat ] So, uh, look — There was a lot of name-calling yesterday. I know you didn’t like any of the names I called you, and I certainly didn’t like the names you called me, like, uh… “Racist Jim”, and “Jim the Bigot.” So… I want to apologize to each of you individually, and ask for your forgiveness. Forst of: Noreen. I know that all day, I continuously referred to you as the wrong type of Indian. But I want to get it right — please tell me one last time which kind you are… and I SWEAR I’ll never ask you again.

Noreen: I’m Pakistani.

Jim: And… is that the name of your tribe, or…?

Noreen: It’s a country!

Jim: How!

Noreen: It just is!

Jim: No, I was saying Hello.

Manager: No, come on. Let’s stay focused, Jim. Okay? Come on, push through.

Jim: Eddie… My dear, dear Mexican friend. Let’s see… Mi espanol es bueno…

Eddie: No, no — I speak English.

Jim: Oh, thank God! Okay, good. So, look — Listen, I called you “Dirty” a lot yesterday, and I…

Eddie: You did.

Jim: I did. And, yet… I’m a total slob. I mean… maybe I don’t deserve to be in this country, either.

Eddie: I was born in Minnesota, Racist Jim.

Jim: [ to the manager ] And we’re back to name-calling again! This is what I’m talking about!

Manager: I know, I know… Just, come on, Jim, we gotta keep it moving. Come on.

Jim: Okay, moving on — I definitely should apologize to our gays.

[ the two employees Jim signals out give him quizzical looks ]

Jim: Gentlemen… [ he shakes his head ] The thought of what you guys do really makes me sad. And I know I made that abundantly clear — often, through song — but then I got home, and I felt… Well… my wife is really ugly. Hell, she might as well be a dude! So maybe we ain’t that different, you know? Why don’t we just bury the hatchet? [ he stares at Noreen ] No offense. [ she looks at him curiously ] And, guys… gays. Let me be the first to say: I support whatever you want to do, as long as it’s behind closed doors.

Kyle: We’re not…

Rob: Thank you! [ he shrugs his shoulders at Kyle ]

Jim: But it’s entirely possible that I owe the biggest apology… to Black Joe.

Joe: It’s just Joe. There are no other Joes that work here! I mean, even if there were, you know…

Jim: You were certainly the recipient of some of my low moments in that three-hour shift. I don’t know what I feel worse about: How often I asked to touch your hair… or when I pointed to that brown M&M and yelled: “Hey, look, everyone — it’s Black Joe!”

Joe: That one actually kind of made me laugh!

Jim: Uh, I wasn’t finished with my list. Please don’t talk over me. This is not a movie theater. You also seemed offended at my many attempts to connect with you through music. [ singing ] “Swing low…”

[ Joe attempts to rush Jim, but is held back by everyone ]

Manager: Come on! Come on!

Jim: Okay. Yeah, yeah… okay, we should about wrap up this pow-wow. [ to Noreen ] I am so sorry!

[ Noreen shakes her head in disgust ]

Jim: And, finally… there was Christina. Yuo probably don’t remember, Christina, but… yesterday I grabbed your boob pretty hard in the break room, while squeezing an air horn.

Christina: I remember, Racist Jim.

Jim: See, but you gotta admit — there’s nothing racist about that exchange whatsoever, right?

Manager: Mmm-hmm… mmm-hmm…

Christina: Yeah, except that you said that my BUTT was “Puerto Rican”… but that my boobs “didn’t get the memo.”

Manager: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah… Okay, we got it. We should open up the store. Uh, Jim — you’re obviously fired, okay?

Jim: What?! Are you positive about this?

Manager: Oh yeah, absolutely, yeah!

Jim: You don’t have no reservations? [ to Noreen ] Again, I am so sorry!

Manager: No, it’s time to go, Jim.

Jim: Well, tell me this — Am I eligible for unemployment, or is that just for you know who?

Manager: Okay… okay. Come on, let’s go! Let’s go! [ he pushes Jim out, then turns to his staff ] Come on, let’s sell some candy!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 1: 09/20/12: Convention Cutaways!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 1

Convention Cutaways!

Sobbing woman…..Vanessa Bayer
Dancing guy…..Taran Killam
Wandering woman…..Aidy Bryant
Props guy…..Fred Armisen
Asleep guy…..Kenan Thompson
Thin Woman…..Kate McKinnon
Balloons guy…..Jay Pharoah
Middle Eastern Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
Straight guy…..Bill Hader
Not cute kid…..Bobby Moynihan
Penis guy…..Tim Robinson
Joseph Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on montage of convention footage ]

Announcer: Like every American… you LOVE the Republican and Democrat National Conventions.

The speeches!

The waving!

The pageantry!

But now that they’re over, you want to relive the most GLORIOUS moments of them all. Introducing…

[ reveal product ]

Convention Cutaways! Featuring the very BEST audience shots from BOTH conventions!

Like… Woman Who’s Sobbing Before Anyone’s Started Speaking.

And… Guy Who’s Dancing To No Music Whatsoever.

And relive the majesty of… Woman Who’s Just Walking Around.

And… Guy Who Brought Props That Only Make Sense To Him.

Stunning cutaways of TRUE patriots shaping history.

Like… Guy Who’s Pretending He Wasn’t Just Asleep.

Thin Woman With Way Too Much Arm Flab.

And Guy Who Didn’t Know There’d Be Balloons.

You’ll enjoy HOURS and HOURS of inspired cutaways.

Like… Middle Eastern Woman They Keep Cutting To Whenever Someone Mentions Hispanics.

And… Straight Guy They Keep Cutting to Whenever Someone Mentions Gay Marriage.

Because children are our future, we’ve also included some kid cutaways.

Including… Kid Who Is Super Cute.

And… Kid Who Is Not Super Cute.

Plus… Guy Who’s Had Just The Tip Of His Penis Out This Whole Time.

And, of course… Joe Biden.

Joseph Biden: [ waving with ice cream cone in hand ] Hey! Look at — look at what they found!

[ cut to product ]

Announcer: Convention Cutaways! Order today, so we’ll know if we should start making them.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13: Zach Galifianakis’ Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Zach Galifianakis’ Monologue

…..Zach Galifianakis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zach Galifianakis!

[ as Galifianakis approaches Home Base, he picks a rose from the band area, sniffs it, then places it atop the piano waiting near Home Base ]

Zach Galifianakis: Thank you! Thanks, everybody! I’m Zach Galifianakis. Thank you. Thank you. Don’t get your hopes up! I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving, um… [ he squints, as the audience roars with laughter ] I haven’t really done anything, guys.

I was playing Charades with my father — uh, Cha-rods. Uh, my father is, uh — This is his Charade for a minute long… just this: [ he sticks out his tongue and waves his head and hands ] I’m like, “Dad! What else?!” [ he continues his gestures ] His word was TOFU!

I once played Charades with a couple. My wife and I were playing Charades with a couple that were deaf. They were amazing! I mean, none of this [ he tugs his ear ] “Sounds like…” business.

This happens to me once a week. Maybe — Usually, twice a week — But once a week, this happens. Last week, I’m in a gift card shop — I’m buying a card — and this woman comes up to me and says, “Um… has anyone ever told you that you look like the guy from “The Hangover”? No offense.”

I once got urinated on in a parking lot at Cracker Barrell. [ he shakes his head ] Craigslist!

[ he sits at the piano and starts playing a soft tune ]

I’d like to just talk about myself now… I’m very well reed, and, uh…

The other day, I was… lighting the bottom of my spoon with a Bic lighter…

I only have set-ups. No punchlines.

I had a flight last week, from La Guardia. I had a layover at JFK. I had a sopover at Newark.

Sometimes when I’m bored, I just like to look up things online and see if there’s something I can’t find out. I like to stump Google. The other day, I Googled: “How many Mexicans live in North Korea?” Google didn’t know! I also Googled: “How many candles does Dave Navarro own?” 14,000.

Sometimes when I see people on the side of the road with car trouble, I like to pull over, put my hazards on, get out of my car, walk up to them… and try my jokes out on them.

Sometimes when I’m in a restaurant, I’ll order a beet salad, so when the waiter brings me my beet salad, I just look at them and go: “Thanks for laying down those funky beets.” It’s an expensive joke because I don’t even like beet salad.

I know a guy that… well, he has a beard and he kind of lives in Pennsylvania. He’s Am-ish.

Here’s something you’ll never see in Braille: “If you see something, say something.”

[ he stops playing the piano, returns to Home Base and tosses the rose into the audience ]

Zach Galifianakis: And now in honor of this great stage, and all the great characters who have been through here, I would like to do a character that I’ve been working on for a while. This character is called The Guy Who Reaches Into His Pocket And Thinks Anything Is A Cell Phone. Here we go — The Guy Who Reaches Into His Pocket And Thinks Anything Is A Cell Phone. [ he pulls an Altoid tin out of his pocket, and clumsily holds it to his ear as all the mints fall out ] “Hello? Hey, I can barely here you. This is an Altoid box.” [ he throws the tin to the floor ] [ the audience applauds wildly ]

Zach Galifianakis: We have a WONDERFUL show for you tonight, everybody! Of Monsters and Men is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 1: 09/20/12: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 1


…..Seth Meyers

Seth Meyers: See you back here on Saturday for our next live show, with host Joseph Gordon-Levitt and musical guest Mumford and Sons. Then, join us NEXT Thursday for another “Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday”. But now, stay tuned for the season premieres of “Up All Night” with Maya Rudolph, “The Office”, and “Park and Res” with the great Amy Poehler. For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

[ suddenly, Drunk Uncle wanders back on the set and pooints at the map ]

SNL Transcripts