SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13: Darrell’s House



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19














12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Darrell’s House

Darrell Sparks…..Zach Galifianakis
…..Jon Hamm

[ open on Knoxville Cable Access card ] [ dissolve to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ dissolve to Darrell standing in his living room ]

Darrell: …Hello!

[ jump cut ]

Darrell: …Let me tell you a little bit about myself: I’m Darrell Sparks, and I love to enter–

Wife V/O: What are —

Darrell: –TAIN!! So what do I consider the three keys of entertaining? 1. Great snacks!

[ cut to an empty snack tray ] [ jump cut to snacks now on the tray ]

Darrell: The second key? Good music! That’s why I’m playing…

Darrell V/O: [ as his lips move on-screen ] Al… Jolsen.

[ Al Jolsen music begins to play ]

Darrell: That sounds GREAT!! And last, but not least, great guests!

[ jump cut as a doorbell rings ]

Darrell: I think one is here right now!

[ Darrell walks over to the front door and opens it ]

Darrell: Mr. Jon Hamm!

[ jump cut as the door opens and Jon Hamm steps in ]

Jon Hamm: How youdoing, Darrell?

Darrell: Thanks for coming! [ split-screen on Darrell shaking his friends hand, with Jon Hamm in the pother frame ] You look AMAZING, Jon! What’s your secret?

[ cut to close-up of Jon Hamm ]

Jon Hamm: If I told you… it wouldn’t be a secret!

Darrell: [ he laughs ridiculously over-the-top ] Oh, Jon! Care for some snacks?

[ the two camera angles follow Darrell and Jon Hamm to thesnack area ] [ cut to Jon Hamm putting a snack in his mouth ]

Jon Hamm: Excellent!

Darrell: [ with his Friend’s arm still in the shot ] Why, thank you, Jon! I made them myself!

Jon Hamm: They’re great!

Darrell: You look so happy, Jon, which is surprising — I always heard you were a MAD man!

[ cut to full-frame video footage of the “Showtime at the Apollo” audience whooping it up ]

Darrell: [ with his Friend still in the shot ] Thanks for stopping by, Jon!

[ jump cut to Jon Hamm, with Darrell checking his phone in the background ]

Jon Hamm: Thanks for having me!

[ Jon Hamm exits ]

Darrell: Well… For the first time I had someone to my house, THAT was a success!

[ close-up of Darrell blinking, with a CGI of his right eye still open ] [ jump cut to a freeze-frame of Darrell with the credits scrolling over him ] [ cut back to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]

Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”

Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19




12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Goodnights

…..Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis: Thanks to Of Monsters and Men, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Jon Hamm! Thank you very much to the cast and crew! Thank you so much, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13: M&M Store



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19
















12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

M&M Store

Manager…..Jason Sudeikis
Jim…..Zach Galifianakis
Noreen…..Nasim Pedrad
Eddie…..Fred Armisen
Rob…..Tim Robinson
Kyle…..Bobby Moynihan
Joe…..Kenan Thompson
Christina…..Vanessa Bayer

[ open on M&M Store ]

Manager: Alright, uh — Listen up, team! Before we open up the store today, I want to huddle up. Everybody, huddle up, please! [ the employees, wearing different colored shirts, gather round ] Okay. Uh, Jim, you want to come out here, please real quick?

[ Jim, wearing a red M&M costume, ambles in ]

Manager: Now, our new greeter, Jim, here, had a real rough firsy day yesterday, okay? I mean, that goes without saying, right, Jim?

Jim: That’s right.

Manager: Mmm-hmm. Uh — Now, he said some things that wer VERY offensive, but he… he’s asked for a chance to apologize. so we’re gonna let him. Uh, Jim? Why don’t you go ahead.

Jim: Thank you. [ he clears his throat ] So, uh, look — There was a lot of name-calling yesterday. I know you didn’t like any of the names I called you, and I certainly didn’t like the names you called me, like, uh… “Racist Jim”, and “Jim the Bigot.” So… I want to apologize to each of you individually, and ask for your forgiveness. Forst of: Noreen. I know that all day, I continuously referred to you as the wrong type of Indian. But I want to get it right — please tell me one last time which kind you are… and I SWEAR I’ll never ask you again.

Noreen: I’m Pakistani.

Jim: And… is that the name of your tribe, or…?

Noreen: It’s a country!

Jim: How!

Noreen: It just is!

Jim: No, I was saying Hello.

Manager: No, come on. Let’s stay focused, Jim. Okay? Come on, push through.

Jim: Eddie… My dear, dear Mexican friend. Let’s see… Mi espanol es bueno…

Eddie: No, no — I speak English.

Jim: Oh, thank God! Okay, good. So, look — Listen, I called you “Dirty” a lot yesterday, and I…

Eddie: You did.

Jim: I did. And, yet… I’m a total slob. I mean… maybe I don’t deserve to be in this country, either.

Eddie: I was born in Minnesota, Racist Jim.

Jim: [ to the manager ] And we’re back to name-calling again! This is what I’m talking about!

Manager: I know, I know… Just, come on, Jim, we gotta keep it moving. Come on.

Jim: Okay, moving on — I definitely should apologize to our gays.

[ the two employees Jim signals out give him quizzical looks ]

Jim: Gentlemen… [ he shakes his head ] The thought of what you guys do really makes me sad. And I know I made that abundantly clear — often, through song — but then I got home, and I felt… Well… my wife is really ugly. Hell, she might as well be a dude! So maybe we ain’t that different, you know? Why don’t we just bury the hatchet? [ he stares at Noreen ] No offense. [ she looks at him curiously ] And, guys… gays. Let me be the first to say: I support whatever you want to do, as long as it’s behind closed doors.

Kyle: We’re not…

Rob: Thank you! [ he shrugs his shoulders at Kyle ]

Jim: But it’s entirely possible that I owe the biggest apology… to Black Joe.

Joe: It’s just Joe. There are no other Joes that work here! I mean, even if there were, you know…

Jim: You were certainly the recipient of some of my low moments in that three-hour shift. I don’t know what I feel worse about: How often I asked to touch your hair… or when I pointed to that brown M&M and yelled: “Hey, look, everyone — it’s Black Joe!”

Joe: That one actually kind of made me laugh!

Jim: Uh, I wasn’t finished with my list. Please don’t talk over me. This is not a movie theater. You also seemed offended at my many attempts to connect with you through music. [ singing ] “Swing low…”

[ Joe attempts to rush Jim, but is held back by everyone ]

Manager: Come on! Come on!

Jim: Okay. Yeah, yeah… okay, we should about wrap up this pow-wow. [ to Noreen ] I am so sorry!

[ Noreen shakes her head in disgust ]

Jim: And, finally… there was Christina. Yuo probably don’t remember, Christina, but… yesterday I grabbed your boob pretty hard in the break room, while squeezing an air horn.

Christina: I remember, Racist Jim.

Jim: See, but you gotta admit — there’s nothing racist about that exchange whatsoever, right?

Manager: Mmm-hmm… mmm-hmm…

Christina: Yeah, except that you said that my BUTT was “Puerto Rican”… but that my boobs “didn’t get the memo.”

Manager: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah… Okay, we got it. We should open up the store. Uh, Jim — you’re obviously fired, okay?

Jim: What?! Are you positive about this?

Manager: Oh yeah, absolutely, yeah!

Jim: You don’t have no reservations? [ to Noreen ] Again, I am so sorry!

Manager: No, it’s time to go, Jim.

Jim: Well, tell me this — Am I eligible for unemployment, or is that just for you know who?

Manager: Okay… okay. Come on, let’s go! Let’s go! [ he pushes Jim out, then turns to his staff ] Come on, let’s sell some candy!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 05/04/13: Zach Galifianakis’ Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 19








12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Zach Galifianakis’ Monologue

…..Zach Galifianakis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zach Galifianakis!

[ as Galifianakis approaches Home Base, he picks a rose from the band area, sniffs it, then places it atop the piano waiting near Home Base ]

Zach Galifianakis: Thank you! Thanks, everybody! I’m Zach Galifianakis. Thank you. Thank you. Don’t get your hopes up! I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving, um… [ he squints, as the audience roars with laughter ] I haven’t really done anything, guys.

I was playing Charades with my father — uh, Cha-rods. Uh, my father is, uh — This is his Charade for a minute long… just this: [ he sticks out his tongue and waves his head and hands ] I’m like, “Dad! What else?!” [ he continues his gestures ] His word was TOFU!

I once played Charades with a couple. My wife and I were playing Charades with a couple that were deaf. They were amazing! I mean, none of this [ he tugs his ear ] “Sounds like…” business.

This happens to me once a week. Maybe — Usually, twice a week — But once a week, this happens. Last week, I’m in a gift card shop — I’m buying a card — and this woman comes up to me and says, “Um… has anyone ever told you that you look like the guy from “The Hangover”? No offense.”

I once got urinated on in a parking lot at Cracker Barrell. [ he shakes his head ] Craigslist!

[ he sits at the piano and starts playing a soft tune ]

I’d like to just talk about myself now… I’m very well reed, and, uh…

The other day, I was… lighting the bottom of my spoon with a Bic lighter…

I only have set-ups. No punchlines.

I had a flight last week, from La Guardia. I had a layover at JFK. I had a sopover at Newark.

Sometimes when I’m bored, I just like to look up things online and see if there’s something I can’t find out. I like to stump Google. The other day, I Googled: “How many Mexicans live in North Korea?” Google didn’t know! I also Googled: “How many candles does Dave Navarro own?” 14,000.

Sometimes when I see people on the side of the road with car trouble, I like to pull over, put my hazards on, get out of my car, walk up to them… and try my jokes out on them.

Sometimes when I’m in a restaurant, I’ll order a beet salad, so when the waiter brings me my beet salad, I just look at them and go: “Thanks for laying down those funky beets.” It’s an expensive joke because I don’t even like beet salad.

I know a guy that… well, he has a beard and he kind of lives in Pennsylvania. He’s Am-ish.

Here’s something you’ll never see in Braille: “If you see something, say something.”

[ he stops playing the piano, returns to Home Base and tosses the rose into the audience ]

Zach Galifianakis: And now in honor of this great stage, and all the great characters who have been through here, I would like to do a character that I’ve been working on for a while. This character is called The Guy Who Reaches Into His Pocket And Thinks Anything Is A Cell Phone. Here we go — The Guy Who Reaches Into His Pocket And Thinks Anything Is A Cell Phone. [ he pulls an Altoid tin out of his pocket, and clumsily holds it to his ear as all the mints fall out ] “Hello? Hey, I can barely here you. This is an Altoid box.” [ he throws the tin to the floor ] [ the audience applauds wildly ]

Zach Galifianakis: We have a WONDERFUL show for you tonight, everybody! Of Monsters and Men is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 20


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>






Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


May 11th, 2013

Kristen Wiig

Vampire Weekend

None

Maya Rudolph

Jonah Hill

Lorne Michaels

John Solomon

None

Benghazi HearingsSummary: In an attempt to keep the Benghazi Hearings fresh in the minds of a disniterested public, Darrell Issa (Bill Hader) calls media sensation Jodi Arias (Nasim Pedrad) to the stand.

Transcript

Montage

Kristen Wiig’s MonologueSummary: Kristen Wiig sings “I’m so Excited” to demonstrate how thrilled she is to come back to host “Saturday Night Live” 11 months and 30 days after quitting the cast, but has already forgotten the general layout of Studio 8-H.

Recurring Characters: Gilly.

Transcript

1-800-FLOWERSSummary: Kathleen (Kristen Wiig) buys flowers for her Mom (Kate McKinnon) on Mother’s Day, even though she finds her personally annoying.

Transcript

The CaliforniansSummary: Stuart (Fred Armisen) is shocked to learn that Karina (Kristen Wiig) faked her own death, and is now back with plenty of directions to give.

Recurring Characters: Stuart, Devin, Karina, Trey, Rosa, Todd Garnes.

Aw Nuts! Mom’s A Ghost!Summary: A new Disney tween comedy features a wacky, “Ring”-like ghost mom (Kristen Wiig).

The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Dooneese (Kristen Wiig) shows off her weird baby hands in a fake beach setting.

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Dooneese, Toni, Nancy.

Vampire Weekend performs “Diane Young”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Secondhand news correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) botches more recent names and events from the news. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) improvise songs for Mother’s Day.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino, Garth & Kat.

TargetSummary: The Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) has another exciting day scanning her customers’ merchandise.

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.

AcupunctureSummary: Ronald’s (Jason Sudeikis) acupuncture therapy results in Daphne (Aidy Bryant) and her supervisor (Kristen Wiig) accidentally bleeding him to death.

Vampire Weekend performs “Unbelievers”

Double DateSummary: A pair of desperate women (Kristen Wiig, Cecily Strong) are thrilled to be on a blind date with sixth-graders Tyler (Tim Robinson) and Drew (Bobby Moynihan).

Transcript

Classy Sexy ElegnaceSummary: Reality-TV housewives (Kristen Wiig, Cecily Strong, Aidy Bryant) release hastily-produced vanity albums.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Double Date



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 20










12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Double Date

Kristen…..Kristen Wiig
Cecily…..Cecily Strong
Tyler…..Tim Robinson
Drew…..Bobby Moynihan
Waiter…..Taran Killam

[ open on two women sipping drinks at Eddy’s ]

Cecily: Uh, okay, so anyway… We’ve known each other for three years — Ernst & Young —

Kristen: [ giggling ] And, news flash: The finance world is boring! Long hours. It’s rare we get to date.

Cecily: Um — What do you guys do again?

[ reveal their dates: two young boys sipping sodas ]

Drew: We’re in the Sixth Grade.

[ the Waiter appears ]

Waiter: Well… Have we decided?

Cecily: Yes! We are gonna split the sea bass.

Kristen: Yes.

Waiter: Okay, and for you fellas?

Tyler: Can I just please have, um, regular noodles and lots of butter?

Cecily: Oh, my God! SUCH a guy, right!

Drew: Can I have chicken fingers, but can I have both ranch and barbecue?

Waiter: You got it! And, everybody still good on drinks?

Kristen: Actually, we could do another. I love that I don’t even have to tell you…

Cecily: Hello!

Kristen: I know!

Waiter: [ laughing ] And how about you fellas? You still good with the soda?

Tyler: Yeah…

Drew: Yeah.

Waiter: Okay.

[ Waiter exits ]

Cecily: Um — So you guys… both play soccer? Is that right?

Together: Yeah…

Cecily: Okay. And what positions do you do? [ she laughs and points at her friend ] Okay! Don’t you say anything!

Kristen: Excuse me!

Cecily: Okay!

Kristen: I didn’t know we were there!

Cecily: I did NOT mean it like that! I actually meant SOCCER positions! I did!

Drew: I play Defense.

Tyler: Forward.

[ the women slowly sip their drinks ]

Kristen: You guys are lucky. Yuo have all your hair! [ she laughs ] More than I can say for my ex-husband, that dickhead.

Cecily: I never liked him! Never!

Kristen: Ohhhh, gee! You didn’t? You only tell me that, like, every day!

Cecily: Okay! Well, he got DRUK and beat up your BOSS!

[ the boys are stunned silent ]

Kristen: Once!

Cecily: Well, he did.

Kristen: Once!

Cecily: But he did!

Kristen: Okay, we have to change the subject. Tyler and Drew are, like, “This lady is a walking jackabee!”

[ the ladies laugh ]

Kristen: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Cecily: Hmmm…

Tyler: [ thinking ] My Dad got me a jet ski, and I rode it.

Cecily: [ leaning in ] Mmm, what’s that?

Kristen: His dad got him a jet ski, and he rode it.

Cecily: [ impressed ] Wow! That’s very DARING! Uh, you weren’t afraid at all?

Tyler: [ modestly ] Uh-uh!

Cecily: [ into her drink ] I would like to see you again… Oh, my God! I HATED that!! Okay! I am NOT good at this!

Kristen: [ laughing ] You’re like a female URKEL!

Cecily: [ nasally ] “Did I do that?!” [ she laughs ] Do you know what I mean?

[ the boys just look at her ]

Cecily: Oh, my God! You guys don’t know Urkel. Okay! We’re ancient! Wow!

Kristen: “Family Matters” was, like, a MILLION years before you were born, right? I am such a dinosaur!

Cecily: Right?

Tyler: [ trying ] My favorite dinosaur is the brontosaurus. Scientists can’t tell from the fossils, um, if they held their necks out upright, or if their — their —

Cecily: No, no, no! Please! As opposed to…?

Tyler: Their necks went straight out.

Cecily: WoW! [ twirling her hair ] So, they… don’t know?

Kristen: Wow! That reminds me, like, how little I know about dinosaurs!

Cecily: Right? It’s like, “Thank God YOU’RE here! A little dinosaur expert!”

Kristen: [ laughing ] What are we experts on?

Cecily: Uhhhh… VODKA?! [ she laughs ] I mean, seriously — Where’s that other round?

Kristen: [ to the boys ] Is it okay that we’re drinking, and you’re not?

Drew: One time, I drank a whole liter of root beer and I burped reallyl oud.

[ the ladies laugh uncontrollably ]

Kristen: Whaaaat?! My God!

Cecily: What?!

Drew: It was on my birthday, last week.

Kristen: [ piqued ] A Taurus! Earth sign. Uh-oh, for me!

[ the Waiter returns ]

Waiter: Hey, uh, guys? Can you keep it down? [ a beat ] I’m TOTALLY kidding! [ they all laugh ] This round’s on me! Gosh, I wish I was at the FUN table, instead of having to work!

Cecily: Ooh! Ooh! [ to B ] Tell im what you told us!

Drew: Um… One time, I drank a liter of root beer and then I burped really loud.

[ the Waiter laughs uncontrollably ]

Waiter: WHAAAATTT?!! WHEN??!

Ladies: LAST WEEK!!

[ the Waiter continues to laugh uncontrollably as he exits ]

Tyler: I’m the last one in my class who can’t swim! But I’m gonna learn this summer. My mom says ut’s no rush, ’cause I’m so sweet!

Cecily: Um… [ super coolly ] I agree with your mom!

Kristen: Uhhh… Wow! Get a room-a?

Cecily: Alright, shut up! Of course, YOU’RE gonna bust my balls! Of course!

[ the Waiter returns ]

Waiter: Uhhhh… hey. If you two are Tyler and Drew… I think your moms are waiting outside. [ he puts the bill on the table ] There’s no rush. I’ll leave this here, and, uh, make your meals to-go, okay?

[ the Waiter exits ]

Cecily: Uhhh… so, should we go dutch, orrrrr…?

Drew: My Dad said I have to pay.

Kristen: Okay. ‘Cause that was, like, the slowest reach for a wallet EVER!

Cecily: [ embarrassed ] Oh, my God! Shut UP!!

[ the ladies laugh ridiculously ] [ meanwhile, Drew opens a coffee can and pours his loose change all over the table ]

Kristen: um… [ she giggles ] That’s not gonna be enough!

Drew: Bye…

[ the boys stand up and walk away from the table, leaving the ladies with each other ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: 1-800-FLOWERS



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 20












12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

1-800-FLOWERS

Kathleen…..Kristen Wiig
Mom…..Kate McKinnon
Waiter…..Tim Robinson
Dad…..Bill Hader

[ open on Kathleen walking through flower garden ]

Kathleen: Flowers are nature’s most beautiful gift. So this Mother’s Day, I’m gonna ahow my mom how much I care, with a little help from 1-800-FLOWERS.

[ cut to Kathleen giving Mom a vase of flowers ]

Kathleen: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

Mom: Ohhhh… honey, I love these! Thank you!

Kathleen V/O: The gift that’s as wonderful as she is.

Mom: But… maybe you should keep them, because your apartment is so sad.

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: Because my mom means EVERYTHING to me! And I love EVERYTHING about her!

[ cut to Kathleen at brunch with Mom ]

Mom: Excuse me?

Waiter: Yeah?

Mom: Are there nuts in this?

Kathleen: There are never nuts in Eggs Benedict. You don’t need to ask that every time.

Mom: Well, I’m sorry for double-checking, Kathleen.

Kathleen: You’re not even allergic. Nothing would happen.

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: I guess you could say she’s my favorite person in the whole entire world!

[ cut to Kathleen in kitchen with mom ]

Mom: You know that mattress store downtown? Mattress Factory?

Kathleen: No.

Mom: Mattress Warehouse?

Kathleen: No.

Mom: The owner… hanged himself.

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: She’s my role model, my best friend, and everything I hope I’ll be one day.

[ cut to Mom entering Kathleen’s bedroom in the midle of the night ]

Mom: I can’t find my debit card, I think my identity’s been thieved!

Kathleen: I’m sleeping!

[ Mom sits on the bed as she dials Customer Service ]

Kathleen: Why are you up?!

Mom: [ into the phone ] Representative! 2 – 4 – 5…

[ Kathleen screams underneath her pillow ] [ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: So this Mother’s Day, I’m turning to 1-800-FLOWERS. to help than my mom for all the amazing times.

[ cut to Kathleen at brunch with her mom ]

Mom: So what’s the latest with that Leann Rimes girl?

Kathleen: I have no idea.

Mom: What a saga that is. Geez…

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: And, above all, how open and honest we are with each other.

[ cut to Kathleen and Mom in the kitchen ]

Mom: Last week, your father and I watched a porno.

Kathleen: WHY would you share that with me?!

[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]

Kathleen: So call or click today, and make this a Mother’s Day she won’t ever forget.

Mom: [ entering scene ] I still can’t find my debit card…!

Kathleen: Mom! I am doing a COMMERCIAL!!

Mom: [ digging through purse ] Here, I’ll double-check inside this guy. God, I wish I was a lesbian so I didn’t have to carry a purse. [ Kathleen wanders off ] Where are you going? Honey, it’s your commercial! I didn’t mean to interrupt! Come back! Coem back!

Announcer: 1-800-FLOWERS. Buckle up, ’cause Father’s Day is next

[ cut to Kathleen and Dad in kitchen ]

Dad: Kathleen… it was an Asian porno.

Kathleen: [ throwing her spoon down ] DAD!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 20




12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Goodnights

…..Kristen Wiig

Kristen Wiig: Thanks to Vampire Weekend! Maya Rudolph! Jonah Hill! I can’t tell you how much it means to me to be back here! Happy Mother’s Day! Thank you! Have a good mother’s Day!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Benghazi Hearings



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 20
















12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Benghazi Hearings

Darrell Issa…..Bill Hader
Elijah Cummings…..Kenan Thompson
Bailiff…..Tim Robinson
Jodi Arias…..Nasim Pedrad
Trey Gowdy…..Taran Killam
Ariel Castro…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span card ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span: In September 2012, the U.S. Consulate at Benghazi, Libya was overrun by Islamic militants. It led to the death of Ambassador Jay Christopher Stevens and three others. This week, the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform reopened hearings on the White House response to the attack.

[ dissolve to the Benghazi Hearings ]

Darrell Issa: [ banging his gavel ] Everyone will kindly take their seats, please! We welcome you to this, our third day of hearings on our government’s bungled response to the attacks last September on our consulate in Benghazi, Libya. Before I call our lead-off witness, may I first say how truly unfortunate it is that our mainstream media — with the exception of Fox News — has shown such a lack of interest in this important story. It’s a shame and a disgrace.

Elijah Cummings: Uh, Mr. Chairman?

Darrell Issa: Uh, the Chair recognizes the gentleman from Maryland.

Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, if I may: I think the reason that the media hasn’t covered these hearings is that everyone knows this is just a partisan witch hunt, and a chance to atack the President and Secretary-of-State Clinton.

Darrell Issa: While my Democratic colleague is welcomed to his opinion, I’d like to see him and his friends in the media ignore these hearings after they hear from our first witness! [ he smiels devilishly ] The Chair calls Miss Jodi Arias.

Bailiff: [ to Arias ] Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Jodi Arias: I do.

Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, I’m sorry, but Miss Arias is a 32-year old woman who was just convicted of killing her boyfriend. I FAIL to see what POSSIBLE insights or expertise that SHE could bring to the events in Benghazi!

Darrell Issa: I think you’ll be, uh, pleasantly surprised. Miss Arias is a poised and intelligent —

Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, if you ask ME… I think this witness has been called today for the SOLE purpose of boosting the ratings for these hearings! AND getting the media to cover them!

Darrell Issa: That is a very MEAN and HURTFUL thing for my colleague to suggest. And it hurts me very deeply. Do you realize how hard it was to book her? — Especially THIS week?!

Elijah Cummings: Whatever!

Darrell Issa: Representative Gowdy, your witness.

Trey Gowdy: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Uh, Miss Arias. Let’s talk about the events at Benghazi. When were you first made aware that our consulate was under attack?

Jodi Arias: I guess… this morning.

Trey Gowdy: I see.

Jodi Arias: Is it… still going on?

Trey Gowdy: No. No. It happened last September. But, uh, my question —

Jodi Arias: Who do you think did it?

Trey Gowdy: Well, we know who did it. It was Ansar al-Sharria.

Jodi Arias: Well, if you know who did it… then why are you holding these hearings?

[ Gawdy is speechless ]

Darrell Issa: Miss Arias. The way these hearings work is we ask the questions, and you answer them.

Jodi Arias: Oh, I’m sorry.

Darrell Issa: That’s alright. Does anyone else have a question for this witness? Anyone? [ no response ] Okay! Well… Thank you for coming.

Jodi Arias: Um… You bet!

Darrell Issa: While I’ve got you here, uh — That story you told, about your boyfriend attacknig you? That was BS, right?

Jodi Arias: Oh, totally! He… never laid a hand on me!

Darrell Issa: Yeah! Yeah, that sounded fishy to me!

Jodi Arias: You and the jury!

Darrell Issa: [ he laughs uproariously ] THank you again for your very couragous and very informative testimony here today.

Elijah Cummings: Mr. Chairman, I don’t think that testimony was the least bit informative! Once again, I believe the last witness was called purely for TV ratings! Particularly, the key demographic of women, 18 to 45!

Darrell Issa: [ playfully ] Awwwwww, that is really unfair!

Elijah Cummings: I mean, what next? The guy from Cleveland who kept those women in his base-ment?

Darrell Issa: Well… uh… You have to admit, at least the media would cover it.

Elijah Cummings: Yeah, I guess so. But, still

[ reveal Ariel Castro seated in the courtroom ]

Ariel Castro: What about me? When do I get to testify, huh?

Darrell Issa: [ stunned ] Ohhhh, uhhhh… Don’t you worry there, uh, Mr. Ramsey, uh… Yuo’re on next week! But, for right now: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Kristen Wiig’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 20
























12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Kristen Wiig’s Monologue

…..Kristen Wiig…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Jonah Hill
Abraham Lincoln…..John Solomon
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Kristen Wiig!

[ the audience cheers enthusiastically, as Kristen takes it all in and begins clapping along with them ]

Kristen Wiig: Why am I clapping? [ she laughs ] Oh, my gosh! WOW! Okay! It’s SO amazing to be back home HOSTING “SNL”! Um — Even though I left the show only 11 months and 30 days ago… it really feels like it’s been a year. Uh, you know… The show was a lot different back then. I was a lot different back then. Do we have a photo of that…?

[ reveal photo of modern-era David Spade ]

Kristen Wiig: So embarrassing! I can’t beleive I used to wear my ears that way. Um — But even though things have changed around here, I am still SO happy to be home. Because, tonight… [ music begins to play ] Tonight is a special night.

[ singing ]“Tonight’s the night I’m gonna make it happen!
Tonight, I’m hosting ‘SNL’ for yooooouuuu!
‘Cause even though I’ve been away a while now
I still know Camera 1 from Camera 2.”

[ she erroneously faces Camera 2, then turns to face Camera 1 ] [ cast members appear behind Kristen and dance ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
And I’m back inside it!
I’m about to start the show, and I hope you like it!

Tonight’s the night I’m back here where I started
I know this place like the back of my own hand.”

[ she looks at the back of her hand ]

Oh, that’s weird.

[ singing ]“So come with me, let’s take a tour of backstage.
I’ll introduce you to all of my closest friends.”

[ she passes through the audience to reach Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, and Vanessa Bayer ]

Kristen Wiig: “Oh, look, it’s Kenan…!”

Bill Hader: Bill!

Kristen Wiig: “And Bobby…”

Jason Sudeikis: Jason.

Kristen Wiig: “And don’t forget Will Ferrell!”

Vanessa Bayer: Sure!

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“Come with me-ee! And see-ee!
I worked her for a while
So I know! Where to go! In the studioooo!!”

[ she attempts to push a door open ]

Kristen Wiig: Is this door locked?

Jason Sudeikis: Of course, it is. Yeah. It’s a Fire Door. It’s always locked.

Kristen Wiig: Oh. Yeah… yeah, I knew that. Yeah. I used to work here!

[ she laughs and continues down a back hall ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]”I’m so excited!And I’m back inside it!And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… where stuff is!Where stuff is!”

[ she reaches a Janitor’s door ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, look! It’s my dressing room! Cool! [ she opens the door to reveal Maya Rudolph making out with Jonah Hill ] Oh, my God! Maya! Jonah! What are you guys doing?!

Maya Rudolph: Well, what does it LOOK like we’re doing?!

Jonah Hill: We’re trying to make a baby!

Kristen Wiig: But… you’re already pregnant.

[ Maya and Jonah look dow at her belly and high-five one another ]

Together: IT WORKED!!

[ Kristen continues down the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
But I’m getting frightened!
All the hallways look the same, and I don’t like it.”

[ Kenan Thompson appears ]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, Kristen!

[ Kristen zaps him with a taser ]

Kenan Thompson: Owwwww!! Why’d you taze me?!

Kristen Wiig: Sorry! I got scared!

Kenan Thompson: I was just coming to give you a hug.

[ he extends his arms, as she zaps him again ]

Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry! I’m REALLY scared! Don’t be mad! I’m sorry!

[ Kristen zaps him again, then walks over to a fake Abraham Lincoln chatting with showgirls across the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, I LOVED you in “Lincoln”, by the way! You were great!

[ Kristen continues down the hall ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh… this is harder than I thought…

[ she runs into Fred Armisen ]

Kristen Wiig: Fred! Fred!

Fred Armisen: Oh, my God! I’m so happy to see you! Can I borrow $5,000?

Kristen Wiig: Fred, I’m in the middle of a monologue.

Fred Armisen: Wha…? [ he notices the camera ] Oh! uhhh… $2,000?

Kristen Wiig: Yeah. Fine. That’s fine.

Fred Armisen: Great! Thanks!

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
I’m just a little misguided…”

[ she runs into Lorne Michaels ]

Kristen Wiig: Oh, my gosh! Lorne! Lorne, I feel like I don’t know where ANYTHING is any more. And someone told me if I screw up the monologue, that I can never host again.

Lorne Michaels: Nonsense! You’re doing GREAT!

Kristen Wiig: Okay! Thanks, Lorne, thank you!

[ she kisses Lorne on the cheek and runs back toward Home Base ]

Lorne Michaels: [ looking over ] Did you tell Kristen that?

[ reveal Gilly ]

Gilly: [ smiling mischieviously ] What?

Lorne Michaels: Gillyyyyy.

Gilly: Uh-huh!

Lorne Michaels: Gilly.

Gilly: Sorry, Boss!

[ return to Kristen approaching Home Base, the cast surrounding her in two lines ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ]“I’m so excited!
And I just can’t hide it!
And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know… I’m back home!
I’m back home!

I’m so excited!
We’re reunited!
And we have, we have, we have, we have, we have… a great show!
A great show!”

[ confetti pours down ]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you SO much! we have a GREAT show! Vampire Weekend is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts