[ cut to Thersa Caputo walking down the street, spraying on deodorant, etc. ]
Thersa Caputo: I’m Theresa Caputo. I like to think of myself as a typical Long Island mom. But — I have a very special gift: I talk to DEAD people!
[ Theresa walks past a graveyard ]
[ cut to Theresa with Client #1 ]
Thersa Caputo: Okay — your father’s showing me, like a, like a big pot of SAUCE! [ the client smiles ] Okay, he wants you to know he’s at peace… and he has the sauce.
Client: [ crying ] I’ve been waiting SO LONG to hear that!
[ cut to Victoria Caputo ]
Victoria Caputo: It doesn’t matter where she goes, my Mom, like, always finds someone with a dead relative.
[ cut to Thersa in a supermarket ]
Thersa Caputo: Hey, would you look at that hunk of ?? Isn’t that gorgeous? [ turns serious ] Who’s the young man who passed on suddenly?
Woman #1: [ crying ] My FRIEND!
[ cut to Theresa in another part of the supermarket ]
Thersa Caputo: Two egg rolls, please.
Thersa Caputo: [ serious ] Did your mother drown?
Cook: [ crying ] She drowned in a river…!
[ cut to Theresa in a sauna ]
Thersa Caputo: Does the word “Caribbean” [?] mean anything to you? It’s like a little… metal thingy that you use when you go rock-climbing.
Woman #2: [ crying ] My whole FAMILY died rock-climbing!
Thersa Caputo: [ excited ] Oh, my God… I really AM a MEDIUM!!
[ cut to Theresa solo ]
Thersa Caputo: One of the problems with being a medium on Long Island, is that a lot of people have shared experiences with their loved ones.
[ cut to group session ]
Thersa Caputo: Okay… uhhh… who had the grandfather who choked on a meatball parm?
[ everyone in the room raises their hand ]
Everybody. Okay… uhhhh… His name was Sal.
[ one man lowers his hand ]
Thersa Caputo: Short for SalvaTore.
[ the man raises his hand again ]
Thersa Caputo: Well, they’re all at peace… and they’re all bowling.
[ everyone in the room claps their hands ]
Thersa Caputo: Yes! This is what I do!
[ cut to Theresa solo ]
Thersa Caputo: The thing about Long Island is, no one’s phased by a medium just coming up to you!
[ cut to Theresa approaching a woman in the supermarket ]
Thersa Caputo: My name is Theresa, I talk to the dead…
Thersa Caputo: I’ve seen your husband…
Thersa Caputo: He’s in a very bad place… he looks a mess, he looks terrible.
[ pan over to reveal the husband standing right there ]
Husband: Hey, FUCK you!
[ cut to Larry Caputo ]
Larry Caputo: Theresa’s always working. Last week, we went to this nice picnic. Just the four of us — her, me, our daughter… and this little guy! [ he points to his goatee ] Of course, Theresa — she can’t help herself.
[ cut to the Caputo Family on a picnic ]
Thersa Caputo: I’m seeing nuts… whose father loved nuts? Anybody? [ she turns to a squirrel ] Was it you? Okay. He wants you to know that he loves you… and he’s at peace.
[ cut to footage from all the previous locations ]
Thersa Caputo V/O: Being a medium isn’t just my job. It’s my life!
[ cut to Theresa solo ]
Thersa Caputo: Like I always say: I may be a medium… but at Chico’s, I’m a large! You may not be laughing, but your gradparents were! ] she points to Heaven and smiles ]
[ fade ]
Three Days Later: A Look Back at the Obama Debate Disaster
Rachel Maddow…..Cecily Strong Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson S. E. Cupp…..Kate McKinnon Chris Matthews…..Jason Sudeikis
[Open on MSNBC title screen]
Announcer: We now return to the MSNBC special report, ‘Three Days Later: A Look Back At The Obama Debate Disaster’.
[Starwipe to set]
Rachel Maddow: Good evening. I’m Rachel Maddow. And tonight we try and pick up the pieces and make sense of Barack Obama’s performance, Wednesday’s debate. Or as we’re calling it at MSNBC, “The worst thing that ever happened anywhere”. [A title card beneath her reads ‘The Worst Thing That Ever Happened Anywhere’] Joining me tonight, the Reverend Al Sharpton.
Al Sharpton: I’ll never forget where I was the night of that debate. I was here.
Rachel Maddow: Our one conservative contributor, S. E. Cupp.
S. E. Cupp: [smiling widely] This has been the best week of my life.
Rachel Maddow: And joining us from outside the university of Colorado where he has refused to eat, shower, or sleep since the debate, Chris Matthews.
Chris Matthews: Eh, what the hell happened, I want answers!
Rachel Maddow: Reverend Sharpton, we’ll start with you. How do you think the president did?
Al Sharpton: Well, I think he did bad. But I would like now to make an excuse for why he was bad. You see, Obama was poisoned by the altitude. [A title card underneath him reads ‘Altitude Poisoning’] You see, Denver, Colorado is a mile high. Now, there is no way to know for sure how many feet that is. But it could be upwards of a million. Now, Obama’s from Hawaii, which is a mile below the earth. So for him, speaking at Colorado was like being flung two miles straight into the air then having to give a speech in outer space.
Rachel Maddow: Chris, were you disappointed in the president’s performance?
Chris Matthews: Disappointed? I’ve never been so disgusted in my life! I feel bad for whoever had to, you know, move the podiums afterwards because Obama took a giant dump behind his!
Rachel Maddow: That’s pretty harsh, Chris.
Chris Matthews: It’s true! He stunk! It’s one thing President Obama had nothing to say but why was he letting Governor Romney talk? Forgot the first rule of debating, always be interrupting! When I don’t have points to make on my show I make up for it by screaming at people! That’s how you win a debate!
Rachel Maddow: Well, Chris, I don’t know about that-
Chris Matthews: [Interrupting her] Bah bah bah bah bah, you’re wrong! See? Debate’s over, I win!
Rachel Maddow: Alright. S. E. Cupp, anything to add from the conservative perspective?
S. E. Cupp: No, Rachel, I’m happy to just listen and smile. I believe the term is gloating. [She does a small “raise the roof” motion.]
Al Sharpton: Uh, Rachel, if I may. I’ve come up with another excuse. Jet lag! Colorado is two time zones behind Washington. [A title card underneath him reads ‘”Two” Too Many’.] That makes it very hard for the internal clock to adjust. Also, Denver is in what’s known as the “western hemisphere”. So, say you need to go to the bathroom in Washington D.C. When you flush, the water goes clockwise. Whereas in Colorado, when you flush, the water shoots straight up your ass. It could throw a man off his game.
Rachel Maddow: I’ll admit it wasn’t the president’s best night but was Romney any better? I mean, why isn’t the media talking more about this classic Romney gaffe?
[A real clip of Mitt Romney speaking at the debate is played. He’s saying, “And say to a state ‘you’re gonna get what you got last year, plus infation- plation. Inflation.”]
Rachel Maddow: [A mocking smile] Uhh, talk much governor? Is it, is it “inflation” or “inplation”? Uhh, if so, what is “inplation”? Uh, let’s take another look. [They replay the “inflation” stumble in slow motion.] Not exactly presidential. And can we freeze frame it for a second? [It’s freeze framed on a particularly unflattering expression Romney is making.] Nice face, governor! I don’t know how they’re going to spin that one.
Al Sharpton: Uh, okay! I have a third, worse excuse. I believe that on the night of the debate, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama switched bodies. [A title card underneath him reads ‘Freaky Wednesday’.] Perhaps, and this is just a theory, perhaps they were exchanging pleasantries blackstage and Mitt said “Man, it’s not easy raising five boys.” And then Barack said, “You should try raising two girls.” And then they laughed and at the exact same time they said, “What I wouldn’t give to switch places.” Lightning strike! Just like that, Romney’s cool, Obama got no game.
Rachel Maddow: [Looks dumbfounded for a moment] Uh, moving forward. Any advice for Obama in his second debate, Chris?
Chris Matthews: Yeah! Stop being a pussy! You got pushed around for ninety minutes you need to make him fear you again! It’s time to go full blown Tyson! Show up in the next dab- in the next debate with a face tattoo! Not one of those subtle ones but one of these, one of these jobs, y’know? [He covers half his face with his hand] When he goes to shake your hand you bite his ear, you spit it on the ground, and you yell, “What are you gonna do, arrest me? I’m the president of the United States!”
Rachel Maddow: Al-alright, let’s take a break. When we return, a new segment called: ‘Is winning the election even that important’? The answer might surprise you.
Announcer: You’re watching BBC. At 10 p.m., it’s the hilarious game show “I’m the Vicar, He’s the Bishop”; at 9 p.m., it’s “A resigned but Dignified look at Scottish Weather”; but, first, it’s the Season 45 premiere of the beloved working class drama “A Sorry Lot We Are”.
[ dissolve to rundown scenery, with title card and whistling soundtrack ]
[ dissolve to pub interior ]
[ Danny Gimps hangs his head in pity as his favorite sports team on TV loses ]
[ Raza and Rodney enter ]
Raza: What’s wrong there, Danny?
Danny: Oh, I just lost a tenner on the match!
Rodney: But that’s a replay of last week’s match.
Danny: I know! I lost a FIVER on it last week! I was just trying to win me money back!
Raza: Aww, Danny. Come on. Let’s have a pint.
[ they all sit at a table ]
Danny: So, Raza… what did the doctor say about your Mum?
Raza: I’m afraid it wasn’t good news. Turns out, she’s been dead for MONTHS.
Danny: Oh. She wasn’t just looking out the window, then?
Raza: Oh, she was — but she was DEAD.
Waitress: [ walking up ] Can I get you anything, Rodney?
Rodney: Uh — fish pie with jam, please.
Waitress: Yes. And you, Raza?
Raza: I’ll have a sliced tomato with some crushed cigarettes in it, love.
Waitress: Mmm-hmm. What about you, Danny?
Danny: No, I can’t stay — I’m on the job.
Waitress: Okay. [ she exits ]
Raza: You have a job now, do ya’?
Danny: That’s right! Me luck’s FINALLY turnin’ ’round! You know, I never thought I’d work again after they closed the mine…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: Then the mill…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: Then the pitch…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: Then the quarry…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: Then the dirt hole…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: Then the rubbish pile…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: Then the Blockbusters…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: But I think — I think I’m gonna have this job for a long, long time.
Rodney: What job is it, then?
Danny: I’m working in the Information Kiosk at the Olympics!
Raza: Ohhhh, nooooo…! Have you not heard, Danny? They closed down the Olympics!
Danny: They didn’t?!
Raza: They did! It was only ever gonna be for sixteen days.
Danny: Says who?!
Rodney: Well, says everyone, Danny! That’s how the Olympics work.
Danny: Awwww… BOLLOCKS!! They’ve done it to me AGAIN!!
Rodney: It’ll be alright, Danny. Look on the bright side — you could DIE soon.
Danny: I can’t keep holding on to THAT dream. What about me Olympic t-shirts? They’ve only just come back from the printers! [ he holds up a t-shirt that reads: “The Olympics Are Here Forever, Yeah?” ]
Raza: Ohhhhh, AWFUL, Danny!
Rodney: Oh, where’d you even get the money to pay for those?
Danny: I took out a loan!
Raza: Ohhhh, noooo…! A loan?! From who?
[ suddenly, a strange looking guy enters ]
Strange Guy: Well, well, well. Look at this sorry lot! What’s this? A POOFTER convention?
Rodney: No, mate!
Strange Guy: Oh, it isn’t? [ he removes a flyer from his jacket ] I’m looking for the Poofter Convention. It’s at the Open Line Pub. Is that nearby?
Rodney: It’s further down the road.
Strange Guy: Has it started yet?
Strange Guy: THE POOFTER CONVENTION!!
Danny: I don’t know.
Strange Guy: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! [ he rushes out ]
Raza: Oh, no! Don’t look now, Danny — Saucy Maggy just walked in.
Saucy Maggie: Ho, ho, ho, ho! Why, if it isn’t my first love — Little Danny Gimps — all grown up!
Danny: How’s the new baby, Maggie?
Saucy Maggie: Ohhh, haven’t you heard? Turns out I wasn’t pregnant at all — I was just working on a FART! [ she laughs boisterously ] Ohhhh, I MISS you, Danny! oooohhhh, do ya’ ever miss me? [ she rubs her chest ] Do ya’ miss my personality? Do ya’, Danny?
Danny: No, Maggie, I’m married now. I ove my wife — even though she’s stuck in a chimney.
Saucy Maggie: Ohhhh! I could make ya’ feel reaaallll good!
Danny: No, Maggie!
Saucy Maggie: Alright… alright. But then, take one last look at what you’re missing! [ she laughs boisterously, then exits the pub ]
Danny: [ to Raza ] I still love her, you know.
Raza: Yeah, I know… we know. We know.
Danny: What am I gonna do?
Raza: Don’t worry, we’ll do what we always do when thet take away our jobs: We’ll put together an all-male strip show, or, worse comes to worse, we’ll cash a dead man’s lottery ticket,
Danny: No, no! This time, I want a job with DIGNITY!
[ suddenly, a man enters ]
Man: Hi there! Hi there! Have you heard the good news?
Man: There’s been another pedophile scandal! The cops need to hire an extra bloke for the line-up, for the wee ones to point at! One cent, one hour, one time only!
Danny: Oh, our luck has changed! Let’s go! [ he and Raza stand up, as Rodney remains seated ] Come on, pal! Do you want to be in the pedophile line-up?
…..Seth Meyers Big Bird…..Carol Spinney Cecilia Giminez…..Kate McKinnon
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Well, you have to hand it to Mitt Romney — because President Obama sure did.
Many political experts were surprised that during Wednesday’s debate, President Obama failed to mention Mitt Romney’s infamous 47% comment. Obama elected to take the high road, forgetting that that road leads to building houses with Jimmy Carter.
During Wednesday’s debate, Mitt Romney said that, even though he likes Big Bird, if elected, he would stop the subsidy to PBS. It’s a surprising threat, considering that “Mitt” is such an excellent Muppet name.
Romney went on to say that if elected, he would no longer borrow money from China to pay for PBS. China funds PBS? I guess that explains why this week’s “Sesame Street” was brought to you by the letter this: [ image: Chinese symbol ]
According to Nielson numbers, more than 70 million people watched Wednesday’s debate either on TV, online, or from one of the podiums.
Seth Meyers: The general consensus from Wednesday night’s debate was that Mitt Romney was the winner and Barack Obama was the loser. But there were other winners and losers that night — which means that it’s time for “Winners and Losers”!
[ title card appears ]
Loser: Moderator Jim Lehrer. He was like a ghost visiting a scene from his past life. “Hello? Mr. President? Governor Romney? Can’t anyone hear me?!” Just helplessly waving his arms, trying to get their attention — he looked like an out-of-towner trying to hail a cab at rush hour! When you’re dealing with two people who want to be the Most Powerful Man on Earth, you can’t sit ther stammering like Hugh Grant in a rom-com. [ stammering ] “Gentlemen, we absolutely… we must… we must move on!” Also, Jim — you gotta keep the guys to time. If that’s how long you think two minutes is, your wife is a lucky woman.
Winner: Fox News. When that thing ended, you guys must have looked at each other and said, “I think we can report this one exactly as it happened.” When I turned over to your post-debate coverage, I expected to see Sean Hannity getting a Gatorade shower!
Loser: Michelle Obama. It must be hard to watch your husband take a beating like that on your anniversary. You went in there thinking you were with Blaine… but you went home with Duckie.
Winner: “Downton Abbey”. Mitt Romney thinks we’re spending too much money on PBS, but he goes after Big Bird instead of you guys? Your set is the nicest house in ENGLAND! Big Bird has lived on the same city street for 43 years! He has friends who already live in garbage!
Winner: People with Pre-existing Medical Conditions. Romney defended his health care plan, claiming that, like ObamaCare, it will take care of you.
Loser: People with Pre-existing Medical Conditionsm because, you know… he’s not telling the truth!
Biggest Winner: AMERICA! Is there anything more exciting than Joe Biden thinking it’s up to him to get the lead back? It’s TiVo time! There’s, like, a 50% chance he’s gonna come out at the next debate with his shirt off! He’s probably covering himself with animal fat right now so he can make himself harder to grab!
Biggest Loser: Joe Biden’s staff. “Mr Vice-President, you have to take it down, like, a million per cent, and put your shirt back on!”
Announcer: [ over title slide ] This has been… “Winners and Losers”.
Seth Meyers: In an interview promoting his new tell-all, Arnold Schwarzenegger said his marriage to Maria Shriver fell apart because of him, and that he hopes to one day win her back. And what better way to win back her love back than to write a book about all the times you tricked her?
This Sunday marks the 5th annual New Jersey Zombie Walk. So if you see someone with dead, lifeless eyes trudging around New Jersey, ask them where you can find the Zombie Walk.
Seth Meyers: During the Presidential debate Wednesday night, Gov. Mitt Romney said he would end the subsidies to PBS, adding, “I like PBS. I like Big Bird.” Here now to comment — Big Bird! [ Big Bird appear to thunderous applause ] Here he is! Thank you for coming, Big Bird!
Big Bird: Well, thanks fo having me, Mr. Meyers! [ he yawns ]
Seth Meyers: Why are you yawning? Are you bored already?
Big Bird: No, no. It’s just that it’s, like, seven hours past my bedtime.
Seth Meyers: That’s okay, I should have thought of that. So, Big Bird — How did you find out your name had been mentioned in the debate?
Big Bird: Oh, I got a million Tweets.
Seth Meyers: Oh, okay! So youre on Twitter?
Big Bird: No! Im a bird! Tweeting is how we talk.
Seth Meyers: Okay!
Big Bird: Uh — What’s a Twitter?
Seth Meyers: Oh, uh — it’s kinda, like, hard to explain. I wouldn’t know how to, uh… go about it.
Big Bird: Oh, well, uh… ha ha! I was just kidding. I know what a Twitter is!
Seth Meyers: okay.
Big Bird: Sesame Street has Wi-Fi!
Seth Meyers: Oh, well! Thart’s a pretty big deal. So, Big Bird, has the mention at the debate affected you at all?
Big Bird: Oh, it has! I feel like Im famous now. I was walking down the street the other day, and I felt like everybody recognized me!
Seth Meyers: Okay.
Big Bird: Its so weird to think that just a few days ago, I could just blend in like every other perfectly normal 8-foot-tall talking bird.
Seth Meyers: Yeah, that must be very hard for you. So, before you go, do you have any political statement you’d like to make?
Big Bird: No. I-I don’t want to ruffle any feathers. But — but I do have a political joke. Can I tell it?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, of course!
Big Bird: Okay. [ he clears his throat ] You’re gonna love it!
Seth Meyers: I can’t wait!
Big Bird: Do you know who loves de-bates?
Seth Meyers: Who?
Big Bird: De-fishes!
Seth Meyers: Oh, yeah.
Big Bird: Yeah, ’cause fish eat bait!
Seth Meyers: Yeah, no — I get it.
Big Bird: It’s a thinker.
Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] It is a thinker! Big Bird, everyone!
Big Bird: Thank you!
Seth Meyers: So — so tall!
A growing number of dairy farmers in the Midwest are dealing with the rising price of corn by feeding their cows candy such as marshmallows and gummy worms. Of course, it’s a nightmare when it’s time to get those cows to go to bed. [ image: caffeineated cow ]
A new company has begun selling plaques for gravestones that contain QR codes, allowing visitors to the grave site to scan the code and be sent to a webpage about the deceased. Though I don’t think it’s a good idea for the webpage to have a comments section. [ image: words “R.I.P. Loser!” ]
The MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas has created a series of new “StayWell” rooms designed to promote a healthy way of living, including Vitamin infused showers, antimicrobial coatings on furniture and extra soundproofing. “I’ll take it!” said a murderer.
A new device is being tested that sends farmers a text message when their dairy cows are in heat. Disturbingly, the text reads “Hey, you up?”
Pennsylvania police arrested a woman who allegedly had hidden 36 glass vials of cocaine in her vagina. Police became suspicious when she walked by them and it sounded like someone adjusting a chandelier.
Veterinarians are saying they have seen a rise in the number of incidents of dogs being stoned in places where medical marijuana is legal. And there’s nothing sadder than a normally energetic dog just sitting there, staring at his own paw.
Seth Meyers: A woman from Borja, Spain, who some say ruined a famous painting, has hired a lawyer. Cecilia Giminez was asked to restore “Ecce Homo”, a painting of Jesus that started out like this… [ image of original painting ] and was repainted like this. [ image: altered painting ] And now she’s seeking a cut of the profits. Here to explain is the artist herself — Cecilia Giminez.
Cecilia Giminez: [ proudly ] Everybody love-a my painting! Now give me my money!
Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] Well, now, it wasn’t that your painting has been a hit, tourists from all over the world are coming to see it, making the Church tens of thousands of dollars… but most people would say that you ruined it.
Cecilia Giminez: I no ruin it! Here — [ she picks up her painting ] It look good! Why everybody so mad at me? Everybody so angry!Now I want-a my money! I have to buy-a wine!
Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] Okay, so I have to ask: Did someone give you permission to try and fix this painting in the first place?
Cecilia Giminez: Of course-a, Seth! I have-a permission from Jesus! It’s-a more ACCURATE now, Demon-Man!
Seth Meyers: Wait — you got permission from Jesus?
Cecilia Giminez: Yes! Seth Jesus, he came to me in a dream. And Jesus, he look at me with his-a enormous round-a monkey face. And-a poor Jesus, Jesus had-a broken his-a arm. And-a he was-a wrapped up in a little jelly-roll scroll.
Seth Meyers: Alright, so you’re saying Jesus looks like your painting?
Cecilia Giminez: Yes! Oh, Seth, he was-a so beautiful! He had-a beautiful hair, and it became a big-a scarf. It was a scarf made of hair, and it wrapped around his-a little brown, expressionless face. And then, he looked at-a me with-a dead, black eyes!
Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] He had black eyes?
Cecilia Giminez: I know, I know… I was surprised as you! It was such a rabid eye, Seth! I said, “Jesus, why you look like a shark?” And Jesus say, “I think it look cool!” I say, “Okay! They’re going to say I’m a bad painter, but okay!” And Jesus say — he give a little laugh, like this… [ she holds up her nose ] ‘Cause he cannot-a breathe, with his-a little nose. Between you and me, Seth, I think he had some work done. I don’t ask him, no, it’s not my place.
Seth Meyers: Have you ever painted before?
Cecilia Giminez: I paint-a all the time, Seth! I do a painting of you. You are so handsome!
Seth Meyers: Oh! Thank you!
Cecilia Giminez: You look-a like the most handsome man I see in so long! You’re-a tiny, pointy skunk nose…
Seth Meyers: No, no…
Cecilia Giminez: You-re-a melting eyes…
Seth Meyers: No, that doesn’t seem right to me…
Cecilia Giminez: Your entire moustache starts here, and it goes all the way up and-a around your head like a black aura, I see!
Seth Meyers: Yeah, the problem is you don’t even see things the same.
Cecilia Giminez: I already fixed you, Seth! Here you are! [ she holds up a painting that looks nothing like Seth ]
Seth Meyers: Oh, yeah. No, I don’t think that’s right.
Cecilia Giminez: Oh, it’s perfect, yes? Now give me my money!
Seth Meyers: Alright! Cecilia Giminez, everybody! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!