SNL Transcripts: Kristen Wiig: 05/11/13: Double Date



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 20










12t: Kristen Wiig / Vampire Weekend

Double Date

Kristen…..Kristen Wiig
Cecily…..Cecily Strong
Tyler…..Tim Robinson
Drew…..Bobby Moynihan
Waiter…..Taran Killam

[ open on two women sipping drinks at Eddy’s ]

Cecily: Uh, okay, so anyway… We’ve known each other for three years — Ernst & Young —

Kristen: [ giggling ] And, news flash: The finance world is boring! Long hours. It’s rare we get to date.

Cecily: Um — What do you guys do again?

[ reveal their dates: two young boys sipping sodas ]

Drew: We’re in the Sixth Grade.

[ the Waiter appears ]

Waiter: Well… Have we decided?

Cecily: Yes! We are gonna split the sea bass.

Kristen: Yes.

Waiter: Okay, and for you fellas?

Tyler: Can I just please have, um, regular noodles and lots of butter?

Cecily: Oh, my God! SUCH a guy, right!

Drew: Can I have chicken fingers, but can I have both ranch and barbecue?

Waiter: You got it! And, everybody still good on drinks?

Kristen: Actually, we could do another. I love that I don’t even have to tell you…

Cecily: Hello!

Kristen: I know!

Waiter: [ laughing ] And how about you fellas? You still good with the soda?

Tyler: Yeah…

Drew: Yeah.

Waiter: Okay.

[ Waiter exits ]

Cecily: Um — So you guys… both play soccer? Is that right?

Together: Yeah…

Cecily: Okay. And what positions do you do? [ she laughs and points at her friend ] Okay! Don’t you say anything!

Kristen: Excuse me!

Cecily: Okay!

Kristen: I didn’t know we were there!

Cecily: I did NOT mean it like that! I actually meant SOCCER positions! I did!

Drew: I play Defense.

Tyler: Forward.

[ the women slowly sip their drinks ]

Kristen: You guys are lucky. Yuo have all your hair! [ she laughs ] More than I can say for my ex-husband, that dickhead.

Cecily: I never liked him! Never!

Kristen: Ohhhh, gee! You didn’t? You only tell me that, like, every day!

Cecily: Okay! Well, he got DRUK and beat up your BOSS!

[ the boys are stunned silent ]

Kristen: Once!

Cecily: Well, he did.

Kristen: Once!

Cecily: But he did!

Kristen: Okay, we have to change the subject. Tyler and Drew are, like, “This lady is a walking jackabee!”

[ the ladies laugh ]

Kristen: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Cecily: Hmmm…

Tyler: [ thinking ] My Dad got me a jet ski, and I rode it.

Cecily: [ leaning in ] Mmm, what’s that?

Kristen: His dad got him a jet ski, and he rode it.

Cecily: [ impressed ] Wow! That’s very DARING! Uh, you weren’t afraid at all?

Tyler: [ modestly ] Uh-uh!

Cecily: [ into her drink ] I would like to see you again… Oh, my God! I HATED that!! Okay! I am NOT good at this!

Kristen: [ laughing ] You’re like a female URKEL!

Cecily: [ nasally ] “Did I do that?!” [ she laughs ] Do you know what I mean?

[ the boys just look at her ]

Cecily: Oh, my God! You guys don’t know Urkel. Okay! We’re ancient! Wow!

Kristen: “Family Matters” was, like, a MILLION years before you were born, right? I am such a dinosaur!

Cecily: Right?

Tyler: [ trying ] My favorite dinosaur is the brontosaurus. Scientists can’t tell from the fossils, um, if they held their necks out upright, or if their — their —

Cecily: No, no, no! Please! As opposed to…?

Tyler: Their necks went straight out.

Cecily: WoW! [ twirling her hair ] So, they… don’t know?

Kristen: Wow! That reminds me, like, how little I know about dinosaurs!

Cecily: Right? It’s like, “Thank God YOU’RE here! A little dinosaur expert!”

Kristen: [ laughing ] What are we experts on?

Cecily: Uhhhh… VODKA?! [ she laughs ] I mean, seriously — Where’s that other round?

Kristen: [ to the boys ] Is it okay that we’re drinking, and you’re not?

Drew: One time, I drank a whole liter of root beer and I burped reallyl oud.

[ the ladies laugh uncontrollably ]

Kristen: Whaaaat?! My God!

Cecily: What?!

Drew: It was on my birthday, last week.

Kristen: [ piqued ] A Taurus! Earth sign. Uh-oh, for me!

[ the Waiter returns ]

Waiter: Hey, uh, guys? Can you keep it down? [ a beat ] I’m TOTALLY kidding! [ they all laugh ] This round’s on me! Gosh, I wish I was at the FUN table, instead of having to work!

Cecily: Ooh! Ooh! [ to B ] Tell im what you told us!

Drew: Um… One time, I drank a liter of root beer and then I burped really loud.

[ the Waiter laughs uncontrollably ]

Waiter: WHAAAATTT?!! WHEN??!

Ladies: LAST WEEK!!

[ the Waiter continues to laugh uncontrollably as he exits ]

Tyler: I’m the last one in my class who can’t swim! But I’m gonna learn this summer. My mom says ut’s no rush, ’cause I’m so sweet!

Cecily: Um… [ super coolly ] I agree with your mom!

Kristen: Uhhh… Wow! Get a room-a?

Cecily: Alright, shut up! Of course, YOU’RE gonna bust my balls! Of course!

[ the Waiter returns ]

Waiter: Uhhhh… hey. If you two are Tyler and Drew… I think your moms are waiting outside. [ he puts the bill on the table ] There’s no rush. I’ll leave this here, and, uh, make your meals to-go, okay?

[ the Waiter exits ]

Cecily: Uhhh… so, should we go dutch, orrrrr…?

Drew: My Dad said I have to pay.

Kristen: Okay. ‘Cause that was, like, the slowest reach for a wallet EVER!

Cecily: [ embarrassed ] Oh, my God! Shut UP!!

[ the ladies laugh ridiculously ] [ meanwhile, Drew opens a coffee can and pours his loose change all over the table ]

Kristen: um… [ she giggles ] That’s not gonna be enough!

Drew: Bye…

[ the boys stand up and walk away from the table, leaving the ladies with each other ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 2: 09/27/12: Town Hall Meeting



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Bonus Episode 2













Weekend Update Thursday 2

Town Hall Meeting

President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Woman #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Man #1…..Fred Armisen
Woman #2…..Kate McKinnon
Man #2…..Kenan Thompson
Man #3…..Bill Hader
Man #4…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. This isn’t your mother’s C-Span; it’s your grandmother’s.

[ dissolve to exterior, Kent, Ohio auditorium ]

Announcer: on Wednesday, President Obama was in Ohio, where he addressed a Town Hall gathering of swing state voters.

[ dissolve to Obama ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you! Thank you so much! I’ve got THREE words to say: Oh! Hi! Oh!

[ the crowd applauds wildly ]

President Barack Obama: It MUST be a rally! I’ve got my sleeves rolled up like a weatherman on Friday! Now, as you probably know, you all have a BIG choice in November. So… does anyone have any questions? [ a woman raises her hand ] Yes! You!

Woman #1: Hi. Um… I got laid off in 2009, and I still haven’t found a job. I don’t want to vote for Romney… but I really thought things would be better by now.

President Barack Obama: [ glumly ] Okay. I understand your frustration. I’ve said from Day One that real change takes MORE than one term — or even one president. I don’t know if it will even happen in eight years. Might take 12. Frankly, I might be long dead. Maybe you’ll be dead, too. You hear what I’m saying?

Woman #1: [ disenchanted ] Um… I guess…?

President Barack Obama: Look — we’re in a deep financial hole. Uhhh… the numbers are bad. Uhhhh… 23 million people out of work! But things ARE getting better. Remember that movie, uhhh, “The Sixth Sense”? I’m like the kid in that movie: I see employed people. I know you don’t see ‘em, uhhh, don’t even know they’re there, but one day all of you will be Bruce Willis and you’ll realize that you were employed all along. Won’t that be nice?

[ the crowd applauds enthusiastically ]

President Barack Obama: Look. I’m sure there are success stories out there. Show of hands: Who here has created their own company in the last four years? [ no one raises a hand ] No one? No one? not one? Not one company? Okay. Who here has a job? [ one man raises his hand ] Okay! There we go! There we go! and what do you do, sir?

Man #1: Uh — I’m a manager… at Burger King.

President Barack Obama: There you go! Uhhh, having it YOUR way! And where were you four years ago? Probably working the counter, right?

Man #1: Uh, I was a Vice-President for Bank of America.

President Barack Obama: [ stung ] oh, okay. The point is that today you’re a manager at one of America’s BIGGEST companies. Uhhh, that’s a success story! Probably get FREE BURGERS! Right?

Man #1: Uh — no one gets free burgers. Actually, I had to fire a guy for eating a burger while eating on the clock. He got so mad, he threw a BRICK through the window. So…

President Barack Obama: [ excited ] There you go! Free brick! Uh, you didn’t have that four years ago! MUCH better off! [ pointing ] Uhh — you! How about you, Ma’am? I saw your habd go up. Uhhh, what do you do?

Woman #2: I work at the apple store.

President Barack Obama: There you go! One of America’s GREAT companies! Still growing!

Woman #2: Oh, I don’t work for the computer store. I sell actual apples.

President Barack Obama: [ stung ] Okay.

Woman #2: I have a shack by the highway. I sell mostly to immigrants, and the occasional mule.

President Barack Obama: Very good. Thank you. Very good.

Woman #2: I sell apples!

President Barack Obama: Of course, you do! Of course, you do! Look — I KNOW that it hasn’t been easy. Not even for me. Look at me. I took office as a 47-year-old man. Four years later, I’m 75. Went from hip-hop star to jazz musician. From Baby Face to B.B. King. I guess black DO crack. But I promise you: Things ARE much better! Surely, someone here has a job that wsn’t around in 2008. Uhhhh… anyone? [ a man raises his hand ] There it is! What do you do, Sir?

Man #2: Uh… I chase raccoons out of foreclosed homes. It’s great, because all those homes had people in them a few years ago!

President Barack Obama: Good for you! Staying outdoors. Probably a lot of PERKS, right?

Man #2: Yeahhhh. Sometimes I EAT them raccoons!

President Barack Obama: Anybody else better off? Anybody?

Man #3: [ jittery ] I am! I’m doing GREAT! I’m doing really, really great! Real good, I’m doing REAL good! I’m doing real good!

President Barack Obama: What do you do? What do you do?

Man #3: Uhhh… I guess I’m a cook. A chemist. Cook. Chemist! Cook! Cook! Chemist! I got a trailer in Baluga! [ he starts whooping and hollaring ]

President Barack Obama: Okay! Okay! Alright! That guy’s fired up! Let’s move on. Anyone else feel they’re much better off than four years ago? [ a man raises his hand ] Yes, sir? Uhhh, and what do you do?

Man #4: Uh… uh… i don’t have a job. I just won a lot of money in a lawsuit last year.

President Barack Obama: [ confused ] I see.

Man #4: Yeah. I was eating at a Burger King… and some guy just hit me with a brick.

President Barack Obama: [ excited ] There you go! Circle of life! Look — can we at least agree that Mitt Romney… would be worse?

[ the crowd applauds enthusiastically ]

President Barack Obama: Okay. That’s right. There’s something we can ALL believe in, America! And, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!”

SNL Transcripts