SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 21


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:















Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


May 18th, 2013

Ben Affleck

Kanye West

None

Jennifer Garner

Amy Poehler

Steve Jones

Carrie Brownstein


Kim Gordon

J Mascis

Aimee Mann

Michael Penn

None

None

Politics Nation with Al SharptonSummary: Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) is skeptical that the IRS is unfairly targeting the tax records of Tea Party members, and equally skeptical that he’s lost weight if he’s still huge.

Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton.

Montage

Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Ben Affleck’s entrance into the Five-Timers Club passes quietly because all the honored celebrities were just here for Justin Timberlake.Instead, he sets the record straight on his Oscar acceptance speech and asks wife Jennifer Garner to back up his comments.

Transcript

Bengo F#*@ YourselfSummary: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) stars as Ben Affleck in his own “Argo” retaliation film.

Recurring Characters: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Transcript

Xanax for Gay Summer WeddingsSummary: Heterosexual guests are only able to make it through the over-the-top proceedings at a gay summer wedding if they’re heavily medicated with the new Xanax product.

Depression SceneSummary: In Depression-era 1930’s New York, homesless dirtbag Edward Bing (Bill Hader) has lofty aspirations when a businessman (Ben Affleck) offers his a menial labor job.

New Beginnings CampSummary:

Kanye West performs “Black Skinhead”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” to the IRS’ recent targeting of Tea Party members’ tax records. City Correspondent Stefon (Bill Hader) lists an inappropriate Spring tourist destination, then storms off to marry Anderon Cooper over Seth’s objections.

Recurring Characters: Stefon, Girl, Arianna Huffington, Ann Romney, David Patterson, Jean K. Jean, Jacob, Drunk Uncle, The Devil.

Transcript

Greg Pulino’s FuneralSummary:

Hermes HandbagsSummary: Vacuous ex-porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer) and her frind (Cecily Strong) submit a commercial for free Hermes handbags, with the help of former porn actor Girth Brooks (Ben Affleck).

Recurring Characters: Brookie, Friend.

Transcript

Kanye West performs “New Slaves”

Shauna’s EngagementSummary:

Ian Rubbish and the Bizarros perform “It’s a Lovely Day”Recurring Characters: Ian Rubbish.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 05/18/13: Bengo F#*@ Yourself



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 21




















12u: Ben Affleck / Kanye West

Bengo F#*@ Yourself

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad/Ben Affleck…..Fred Armisen
Hollywood Executive…..Bill Hader
Secretary…..Vanessa Bayer
Director…..Bobby Moynihan
Sound Man/Himself…..Ben Affleck

Announcer: [ over Iranian flag ] And now, a message from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

[ dissolve to Ahmadinejad, with assistance from a translator voiceover ]

V/O: Good evening. This year, America’s Hollywood released a film titled “Argo”. This film was rich with lies and falsehoods. Despite Iranian protests, “Argo” was showered with awards and hailed as a triumph. This film left me with no choice. And today, I’m happy to announce I’ve produced a film in response. It tells the story of the fabricator Ben Affleck, and how he tricked Hollywood into making his film. I’m also happy to announce that I play the role of Ben Affleck. Enjoy this HBO: First Look.

[ cut to “HBO: First Look” graphics, and movie poster ]

Announcer: Tonight on “HBO: First Look”: It’s the new Iranian film “Bengo F#*@ Yourself”, with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as Ben Affleck.

[ dissolve to Hollywood ]

Hollywood Executive: Ha ha haaaa! I’m a Hollywood executive! What is it, Secretary?

Secretary: Ben Affleck is here to see you.

Hollywood Executive: Let him in!

[ Mahmoud as Ben Affleck enters ]

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” I’m Ben Affleck! Here, I brought you some baked beef, bro!

Hollywood Executive: Ah, yes! These are popular in your native city of Boston! So… tell me about your film.

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” It is a film about a CIA operation. But I must warn you: It’s ENTIRELY made up!

Hollywood Executive: Why would I finance a film that is based on fabrication?

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” Because you are a Hollywood Jew who only cares for PROFITS!

Hollywood Executive: Excellent point!

“Ben Affleck”: YOU awhhh!

[ they shake hands and pose for the camera ] [ cut to Director testimonial, with translator voiceover ]

V/O: Mahoud was cast because he is a great actor, not because he is President. Yes, it is true he has to say “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd” before each line, to find the Boston accent… but that only speaks to his committment.

[ cut to movie still ]

Announcer: In this next scene, we see Mahmoud A as Ben Affleck have a heated exchange with his sound man — played by Ben Affleck!

[ cut to scene ]

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” Where’s my sound man?!

[ Sound man steps forward ]

Sound Man: What can I do for you, Mr. Ben Affleck?

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” It is VERY important to me that you record all the lines clearly, even though each one is FULL of lies! Okay, I’m gonna do the next scene SHIRTLESS, because I love my body! You understand me, BRO?! [ the real Affleck stifles a laugh ] You understand me, BRO?!

Sound Man: Uh, yes! [ he laughs ] I understand. But I have to ask: How do you justify making a film that you know to be COMPLETELY untrue?

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” Uh — It doesn’t matter if it’s true or untrue, Bro. All that matters is: Money in my pockets!

[ cut to Ben Affleck testimonial ]

Ben Affleck: Why would I agree to appear in this movie? Well, to be honest, I’ve been long looking to appear in a movie worse than “Gigli”. [ the audience applauds wildly ] And as soon as I read this script, I knew I found it!

[ cut to movie still ]

Announcer: Here’s a sneal peak at the climactic last scene of the film, where Affleck wins his Oscar.

[ cut to scene ]

“Ben Affleck”: “Pahk the cawh in Hawhvahd Yawd.” I’d like to thank the Academy, as well as the Elders of Zion, for this awahd! Tonight we celebrate that which is not true! Marriage is WORK! Good night!

[ cut to movie poster ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts