Seth Meyers: See you back here on Saturday for our next live show, with host Joseph Gordon-Levitt and musical guest Mumford and Sons. Then, join us NEXT Thursday for another “Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday”. But now, stay tuned for the season premieres of “Up All Night” with Maya Rudolph, “The Office”, and “Park and Res” with the great Amy Poehler. For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!
[ suddenly, Drunk Uncle wanders back on the set and pooints at the map ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 38: Bonus Episode 2
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
September 27th, 2012 None None None None None
Town Hall MeetingSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) struggles to make the case for his re-election to voters suffering from the unemployment crisis. Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama. Transcript
Montage
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: As Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) comments about his latest gaffe while visiting New York, his translator (Nasim Pedrad) gossips about him to Seth Meyers. Dr. Cornel West (Kenan Thompson) comments on the progress President Obama has made since the infiltration of the Occupy Wall Street Movement. The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party (Cecily Strong) gives her meandering thoughts about the upcoming Presidential debates. Recurring Characters: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, translator.
Replacement RefsSummary: Replacement referees (Tim Robinson, Kenan Thompson, Bobby Moynihan, Fred Armisen) make erroneous calls in other walks of life besides football. Transcript
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah Woman #1…..Vanessa Bayer Man #1…..Fred Armisen Woman #2…..Kate McKinnon Man #2…..Kenan Thompson Man #3…..Bill Hader Man #4…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on C-Span graphics ]
Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. This isn’t your mother’s C-Span; it’s your grandmother’s.
[ dissolve to exterior, Kent, Ohio auditorium ]
Announcer: on Wednesday, President Obama was in Ohio, where he addressed a Town Hall gathering of swing state voters.
[ dissolve to Obama ]
President Barack Obama: Thank you! Thank you so much! I’ve got THREE words to say: Oh! Hi! Oh!
[ the crowd applauds wildly ]
President Barack Obama: It MUST be a rally! I’ve got my sleeves rolled up like a weatherman on Friday! Now, as you probably know, you all have a BIG choice in November. So… does anyone have any questions? [ a woman raises her hand ] Yes! You!
Woman #1: Hi. Um… I got laid off in 2009, and I still haven’t found a job. I don’t want to vote for Romney… but I really thought things would be better by now.
President Barack Obama: [ glumly ] Okay. I understand your frustration. Ive said from Day One that real change takes MORE than one term — or even one president. I dont know if it will even happen in eight years. Might take 12. Frankly, I might be long dead. Maybe youll be dead, too. You hear what Im saying?
Woman #1: [ disenchanted ] Um… I guess…?
President Barack Obama: Look — were in a deep financial hole. Uhhh… the numbers are bad. Uhhhh… 23 million people out of work! But things ARE getting better. Remember that movie, uhhh, “The Sixth Sense”? Im like the kid in that movie: I see employed people. I know you dont see em, uhhh, dont even know theyre there, but one day all of you will be Bruce Willis and youll realize that you were employed all along. Wont that be nice?
[ the crowd applauds enthusiastically ]
President Barack Obama: Look. I’m sure there are success stories out there. Show of hands: Who here has created their own company in the last four years? [ no one raises a hand ] No one? No one? not one? Not one company? Okay. Who here has a job? [ one man raises his hand ] Okay! There we go! There we go! and what do you do, sir?
Man #1: Uh — I’m a manager… at Burger King.
President Barack Obama: There you go! Uhhh, having it YOUR way! And where were you four years ago? Probably working the counter, right?
Man #1: Uh, I was a Vice-President for Bank of America.
President Barack Obama: [ stung ] oh, okay. The point is that today you’re a manager at one of America’s BIGGEST companies. Uhhh, that’s a success story! Probably get FREE BURGERS! Right?
Man #1: Uh — no one gets free burgers. Actually, I had to fire a guy for eating a burger while eating on the clock. He got so mad, he threw a BRICK through the window. So…
President Barack Obama: [ excited ] There you go! Free brick! Uh, you didn’t have that four years ago! MUCH better off! [ pointing ] Uhh — you! How about you, Ma’am? I saw your habd go up. Uhhh, what do you do?
Woman #2: I work at the apple store.
President Barack Obama: There you go! One of America’s GREAT companies! Still growing!
Woman #2: Oh, I don’t work for the computer store. I sell actual apples.
President Barack Obama: [ stung ] Okay.
Woman #2: I have a shack by the highway. I sell mostly to immigrants, and the occasional mule.
President Barack Obama: Very good. Thank you. Very good.
Woman #2: I sell apples!
President Barack Obama: Of course, you do! Of course, you do! Look — I KNOW that it hasnt been easy. Not even for me. Look at me. I took office as a 47-year-old man. Four years later, Im 75. Went from hip-hop star to jazz musician. From Baby Face to B.B. King. I guess black DO crack. But I promise you: Things ARE much better! Surely, someone here has a job that wsn’t around in 2008. Uhhhh… anyone? [ a man raises his hand ] There it is! What do you do, Sir?
Man #2: Uh… I chase raccoons out of foreclosed homes. It’s great, because all those homes had people in them a few years ago!
President Barack Obama: Good for you! Staying outdoors. Probably a lot of PERKS, right?
Man #2: Yeahhhh. Sometimes I EAT them raccoons!
President Barack Obama: Anybody else better off? Anybody?
Man #3: [ jittery ] I am! I’m doing GREAT! I’m doing really, really great! Real good, I’m doing REAL good! I’m doing real good!
President Barack Obama: What do you do? What do you do?
Man #3: Uhhh… I guess I’m a cook. A chemist. Cook. Chemist! Cook! Cook! Chemist! I got a trailer in Baluga! [ he starts whooping and hollaring ]
President Barack Obama: Okay! Okay! Alright! That guy’s fired up! Let’s move on. Anyone else feel they’re much better off than four years ago? [ a man raises his hand ] Yes, sir? Uhhh, and what do you do?
Man #4: Uh… uh… i don’t have a job. I just won a lot of money in a lawsuit last year.
President Barack Obama: [ confused ] I see.
Man #4: Yeah. I was eating at a Burger King… and some guy just hit me with a brick.
President Barack Obama: [ excited ] There you go! Circle of life! Look — can we at least agree that Mitt Romney… would be worse?
[ the crowd applauds enthusiastically ]
President Barack Obama: Okay. That’s right. There’s something we can ALL believe in, America! And, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!”
Theme: “Replacemet Refs! They’re trying their hardest. What they lack in experience, they lack in decisiveness You wanted the best But you’re getting Replacement Refs!”
Larry: I’m Larry!
Lewis: I’m Lewis!
Paul: I’m Paul!
Steve: I’m Dave! I mean… Steve.
Theme: “You wanted the bestBut you’re getting Replacement Refs!”
Steve: First down!
[ Paul blows his whistle, as Lewis throws down a yellow flag and Larry raises his arms ]
[ cut to exterior, courthouse ]
Announcer: Episode 42: “The Trial”.
[ dissolve to interior, courtroom ]
Judge: [ banging gavel ] Has the jury reached their verdict?
Steve: Ummm… yeah! I mean, we — we feel pretty good about it, yeah.
Judge: Will the defendant please rise?
Defendant: [ rising ] I just want to reiterate what I’ve said every day of this trial! I KILLED those people…! AND I’D DO IT AGAIN!!!
Judge: Mr. Foreman?
Steve: [ apprehensively ] Uh… uh… Not Guilty!
[ Paul blows his whistle, as Lewis throws down a yellow flag and Larry raises his arms ]
[ screen freezes ]
Theme: “You wanted the best But you’re getting Replacement Refs!”
[ SUPER: “No Replacement Refs Were Harmed In The Making Of This Program” ]
[ dissolve to exterior, Hospital ]
Announcer: Next week, on “Replacement Refs”:
[ dissolve to interior, hospital room ]
Patient: So… my ears are a little stuffed up… and there’s a hint of a tickle at the back of my throat.
Dean…..Jason Sudeikis Diana…..Cecily Strong Reggie Davis…..Jay Pharoah Victor LaStrange…..Bill Hader Mike…..Tim Robinson Dan the Animal Man…..Bobby Moynihan The Captain……Fred Armisen
[ open on exterior, Carnival Cruise Ship Triumph — Tuesday ]
[ dissolve to interior, Fiesta Ballroom ]
Dean: Okay, hello! Hello, everyone! Okay? And, uh — folks, welcome back to the Fiesta Ballroom, here on the Carnival Cruise Triumph. Okay? I’m your Cruise Director — Dean. And this is my Assistant Cruise Director — Diana.
Diana: And, can I say, for people who have not showered in four days — you guys look great!
Dean: Yeah! Yeah, you do, yeah! And, hey, guys — Just because we’re stuck in the middle of the ocean, you know, with no working toilets… it doesn’t mean we can’t have some FUN! Alright?
Diana: Mmm-hmm!
Dean: Ah, but first — a tiny update.
Diana: Uh, yeah. Now, as we informed you yesterday, a tugboat is pulling us back to shore — which is GREAT news!
Dean: Yeah, it sure is. But, a slight snag. The tow line broke.
Diana: Waaa-waaaaah!
Dean: Yeah… yeah… okay. But dry those eyes and get ready to laugh! Because, up next — you knoe him from the Punchliner Comedy Brunch — please welcome ship comedian Reggie Davis! Reggie, come on out!
[ Reggie Davis steps forward ]
Reggie Davis: Yes, yes! What up! [ he laughs ] You know — If Chris Rock were here, I’d bet he’d say: [ as Chris Rock ] “Don’t anybody wanna go on a cruuuuise? You’re all gonna DIE on this boat!” What else, what else, what else, what else…? [ he puts his hand to his face ] I’m sorry. Okay? I can’t tell no more jokes. There’s DOOKY on the WALL, man! How does DOOKY get on the WALLS?!! How does it happen?!!
Diana: Yeah! And if anyone here is gonna be in Seattle next weekend, Reggie will be headlining at Funny Bone.
Dean: Hey, speaking of headlines — One of the helicopters flying above us dropped doqwn a couple of papers, so we thought we’d catch you up on what you missed this week, alright?
Voice: There is no God!
Dean: Hey! Hey, hey! There IS a God! There IS a God! He has NOT abandoned us, okay? Alright, let’s see what’s in the news. [ he glances at a newspaper ] Uh — the Pope resigned. Oh, Lord!
Diana: Oh, wait — okay. [ she glances at a newspaper ] Hey, here’s soemthing fun: Norrth Korea successfully launched a… mmm-mmm! Nope!
Dean: [ he glances at a newspaper ] Oh! Oh, oh, oh, here we go! I got one! Oh, hey — You guys remember Oscar Pistorius? Huh? Remember that? The Olympic spritnter who ran on blades?
Diana: What an AMAZING story! So uplifting!
Dean: Absolutely! Well, it says here that… [ he glances at the newspaper and shakes his head ] Nope! No, no…
Diana: [ she glances at a newspaper ] Hey! TThis is interesting! Okay, you guys might think you have it bad… but do you have it worse than [ reading ] “4,000 Stranded On Night Mare Cruise”… That is about US!
Dean: That’s us, yeah. Okay, that’s enough! Enough of the headlines! [ he tosses the newspaper aside ] Who likes MAGIC, huh? Okay, because mentalist Victor LaStrange is here to amaze you!
Diana: Victorrrrrr!!
[ victor LaStrange steps out ]
Victor LaStrange: Can I have a volunteer, please? [ he points ] You, Sir! [ Mike runs up ] What’s your name, Sir?
Mike: Mike.
Victor LaStrange: How you doing, Mike?
Mike: Real bad.
Victor LaStrange: Alright. Look into my eyes. [ Mike stares into his eyes ] You are a CHICKEN! [ he snaps his fingers, as Mike begins to cluck ] Now you’re MIKE! [ he snaps his fingers ]
Mike: Oh… [ he groans ] Oh, no! I’m back on this godforsaken boat! Make me into the chicken again! [ desperately ] I WANT TO BE THE CHICKEN!!
[ Diana rishes Victor and Mike away, as Dean resumes his duties ]
Dean: Guys, guys, guys, guys! Okay, thank you! Uh — whoo! Uh, that was kind of weird!
Voice: Turn us all into chickens!!
Diana: Okay, no! Guys… guys… It is not better to be a chicken than a person!
Dean: No! I mean, yeah, it’s bad here, but it’s not that bad! Okay?
Diana: Mmm-hmm!
Dean: Now, before we move on, we want to designate a few areas of the boat as toilets, okay? Alright? Uh, what have we got here? [ he glances at the log ] The Superstar Karaoke Bar… is now officially a toilet, okay?
Diana: Yeah. The, uh, the Blue Iguana Cantina is now a toilet.
Dean: Okay, just in time. Okay, good. And the Bonsai Sushi restaurant is… well, that;s still a sushi restaurant, so you’ll want to get in there soon before it becomes a toilet!
Diana: Hey, Dean!
Dean: Uh-huh?
Diana: You know what I think?
Dean: Uh-oh!
Diana: I think it’s about time Dan the Animal Man makes a visit!
Dean: That’s a GREAT call, Diana! What a REAL passenger favorite this guy is! He’s been delighting you all week — Please welcome Dan the Animal Man and his monkey Coco!
[ Dan steps out carrying a monkey skelaton ]
Dan the Animal Man: WHO ATE COCO?!! WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THIS?!!
Dean: Okay… alright… Gvie it up for Dan the Animal Man!
Dan the Animal Man: WE STILL HAVE FOOD!!!
[ Diana walks Dan aside ]
Dean: Okay! There we go! Alright, somebody ate Coco, huh? No, guys! No, guys!
Diana: Hey, guys? We all have to start behaving better.
Dean: That’s very true, okay? And on that note, I know some of you thought it would be funny — it was funny — to lie on the top deck upstairs and spell out the words KILL US” for the news helicopter? That’s not funny.
Diana: No, not funny at all.
Dean: Mmm-hmm. Don’t like it. We have to keep our heads up, and we can get through this thing together. Okay?
[ Diana is handed a note ]
Diana: Dean?
Dean: Yeah?
Diana: I just got some good news.
Dean: It’s about time!
Diana: I’ve been told we have a crew member who does a mean Michael Jackson!
Dean: Uh-oh, that sounds like fun! Bring him up here!
[ The Captain appears, wearing one silver glove, and performs some not-so-funky dance moves ]
Dean: Okay.,, wow. So, I don’t need to tell you guys that was the Captain, obviously, who is clearly going insane.
Diana: Okay, guys — that about wraps it up. Remember, only ten hours until we reach…. [ raising the roof ] Mo-bile, Al-a-ba-maaaaaa!
Dean: [ as a note is handed to him ] Okay, uh — well, now here’s some good news. alright?
Together: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”
Jesus…..Christoph Waltz Roman Soldier…..Fred Armisen St. Peter…..Taran Killam Pontius Pilate…..Kenan Thompson Judas Iscariot…..Jay Pharoah
[ open on Restricted movie trailer ]
Announcer: This Summer! If you liked “Inglourious Basterds”… and “Django Unchained”…
[ reveal clips from both movies ]
Announcer: Then get ready for the ULTIMATE historical revenge fantasy…
[ reveal Jesus pushing aside the giant rock so he can exit his tomb ]
Jesus: Guess who’s back!
[ title appears ]
Announcer: “Djesus Uncrossed”.
[ cut to Romans fighting ]
Announcer: He’s risen from the dead!
Jesus: [ wielding a sword from behind his cross ] Miss Me?
Roman Soldier: Kill him!!
[ Jesus joins the fight ]
Announcer: And he’s preaching anything but forgiveness.
[ cut to more fighting scenes ]
Announcer: He may be wearing sandals… but he can STILL kick ass!
[ reveal carnage ]
Roman Soldier: Jesus H. Christ!
Announcer: The “H” is silent!
[ Jesus swings his sword and slices Roman Soldier’s head in half ]
Announcer: With Brad Pitt as St. Peter.
St. Peter: [ to recruits, over killing footage ] I need me… eleven ay-postles! We’re gonna be doing one thing, and one thing only: Kill Row-mans. The Row-man WILL be disgusted by us! The Row-man WILL talk about us! And the Row-man WILL fear us! Each of you owes me ONE-HUNDRED Row-man scalps!
Announcer: Ving Rhames as Pontius Pilate.
Pontius Pilate: Jesus! Oh, I ain’t done with him by a damn sight! I’m gonna get Old Testement on his ass!
Announcer: And Samuel L. Jackson as Judas Iscariot.
Judas Iscariot: [ before Jesus ] Jesus! Oh, shit! CHILL, man! Chill!
Jesus: When you get to Heaven… say “Hi” to my Dad.
[ Jesus cocks his shotgun and fires a huge, gaping hole in Judas ]
[ cut to more footage of random violence from the hands and rifle of Jesus ]
Announcer: Critics are calling it: “A less violent Passion of the Christ.” [ A.O. Scott ]
“I never knew how much Jesus used the N-word.” [ Peter Travers ]
Jennifer: [ holding letter at her desk ] What is this? Did anybody see this letter dropped on my desk?
Ben: No idea.
Mark: I don’t know.
Todd: Hey, you got me.
Jackie: No clue.
[ Dimitri the security guard enters ]
Dimitri: Perhaps it’s a… valentine from a secret admirer?
Jackie: [ piqued ] Ohhh! Read it! Ooh!
Jennifer: [ reading ] “To my sweet Jennifer doll, who I will own if in God’s plans. I take you to woods and we sleep there a hundred years…”
Dimitri: [ innocently ] Oh, that’s real sweet! Sounds like a real charmer!
Jennifer: Um…?
Jackie: Listen — I think it’s kind of creepy.
Jennifer: Listen to this: [ reading ] “I am a person who is closer than you think. I hope to grow closer by days, and… watching… waiting.”
Jackie: [ disgusted ] Okay, you know, it sounds like a threat.
Dimitri: [ nervously ] Uh… even I see that was not the best choice of words — [ quickly ] for whoever wrote it!
Jennifer: [ frightened ] “Closer than you think.” Okay, this is someone who WORKS here! Okay, NO ONE leaves until we figure out WHO this is! Dimitri! You should be questioning people, while I read this psycho’s manifesto!
Dimitri: “Manifesto” is, perhaps, a strong word…
Jennifer: [ reading ] “I want you and it makes me mad.There is something that I can’t say, but we eat dish of milk and bananas together…”? Dimitri! ASK them!
Dimitri: Uh… Mark, did you write this?
Mark: Uh, let me think — Did I write a broken English, crazy, foreign guy note? NO!!
Jennifer: [ reading ] “You are perfect, I am your mother. Ha ha ha! No.”
Dimitri: Ben, I’m looking at you on this one…
Ben: And I’m looking right back at you, buddy!
Jennifer: [ reading ] “I want to screw with you. I take a long time. We will never be apart in the woods…”?
Dimitri: Yeah, that sounds more and more like Todd!
Todd: [ chuckling to himself ] Not your finest hour, my man!
Jennifer: Oh, my God! He must be stalking you, too, Dimitri! He included this SICK picture of you! Dimitri, show this to everyone!
[ Dimitri holds up the photo and winces ]
Dimitri: Oh, no… so many mistakes…
Jennifer: Yeah! It’s really weird! He must have Photoshopped your head onto a DISGUSTING man’s body wearing a tanktop and leaning on a car!
Dimitri: Jackie, did — do you Photoshop this?
Jackie: No, Dimitri, that actually doesn’t look Photoshopped. It kind of looks like something that really happened.
Jennifer: Oh, yeah, right! So Dimitri rented a LAMBORGHINI, which would cost HUNDREDS —
Dimitri: Four hundred.
Jennifer: Just to take this photo?! I mean, that would be CRAZY!
Dimitri: [ meekly ] Y-yes… I see that now.
Jennifer: Ugh! Okay, everybody, listen to this part: [ reading ] “Do not forget to remind me I have a peanut for you.” Is this a penis? Is he talking about his penis?
Dimitri: [ defesively ] No, no… this one is not creepy at all! There, there is a country — I know — where a common joke is that you take out a ring box, and you say: “[ he opens a ring box with a peanut inside ] “I am proposing to you. No — it is just a peanut!” You see? [ he laughs buffoonishly ] It is actually quite… quite a funny, sweet joke!
Jennifer: No. No. No, Dimitri, that sucks.
Mark: Yeah, that really SUCKS, Dimitri!
Dimitri: [ stung ] Yes. I see now tht it does suck.
Jennifer: [ furious ] Someone is LYING!! Dimitri, ASK them!!
Dimitri: Yes. Mark, did you do this?!
Mark: Buddy… [ he raises his hands and shrugs ]
Dimitri: Jackie, was this your own handiwork?
Jackie: Oh, Dimitri…. [ she shakes her head ]
Dimitri: Ben, you’re awfully quiet!
Ben: [ laughing ] Come on, man!
Dimitri: Todd!
Todd: You gotta ask me the full question, Dimitri!
Dimitri: Yeah. Todd, did you reference a popular tradition from my village, in which you offer a peanut as a kind of fake proposal/traditious joke?
Todd: [ shaking his head ] NO, Dimitri!
Jennifer: Well, I guess we’ll NEVER know who sent this! But, Dinitri, I’d feel safer if you came to lunch with me.
Dimitri: Yes, I hope to close… to grow close by… that… day’s…. end…
Jennifer: Okay, let me just grab my things… [ she lifts hr purse to reveal another letter ] Wait a minute, what is this letter? [ she opens it to reveal a photo ] Oh, this is just a picture of some black guy’s penis!
Ben: [ nervously ] What?! Who did this?! Who did that?! Mark, I’m looking at YOU, my man! Jackie, was it you?!
Air Date:
Summary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) struggles to make the case for his re-election to voters suffering from the unemployment crisis.
Summary: As Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) comments about his latest gaffe while visiting New York, his translator (Nasim Pedrad) gossips about him to Seth Meyers. Dr. Cornel West (Kenan Thompson) comments on the progress President Obama has made since the infiltration of the Occupy Wall Street Movement. The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party (Cecily Strong) gives her meandering thoughts about the upcoming Presidential debates.
Summary: Replacement referees (Tim Robinson, Kenan Thompson, Bobby Moynihan, Fred Armisen) make erroneous calls in other walks of life besides football.
