[ open on Kathleen walking through flower garden ]
Kathleen: Flowers are nature’s most beautiful gift. So this Mother’s Day, I’m gonna ahow my mom how much I care, with a little help from 1-800-FLOWERS.
[ cut to Kathleen giving Mom a vase of flowers ]
Kathleen: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!
Mom: Ohhhh… honey, I love these! Thank you!
Kathleen V/O: The gift that’s as wonderful as she is.
Mom: But… maybe you should keep them, because your apartment is so sad.
[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]
Kathleen: Because my mom means EVERYTHING to me! And I love EVERYTHING about her!
[ cut to Kathleen at brunch with Mom ]
Mom: Excuse me?
Mom: Are there nuts in this?
Kathleen: There are never nuts in Eggs Benedict. You don’t need to ask that every time.
Mom: Well, Im sorry for double-checking, Kathleen.
Kathleen: Youre not even allergic. Nothing would happen.
[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]
Kathleen: I guess you could say she’s my favorite person in the whole entire world!
[ cut to Kathleen in kitchen with mom ]
Mom: You know that mattress store downtown? Mattress Factory?
Mom: Mattress Warehouse?
Mom: The owner… hanged himself.
[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]
Kathleen: She’s my role model, my best friend, and everything I hope I’ll be one day.
[ cut to Mom entering Kathleen’s bedroom in the midle of the night ]
Mom: I can’t find my debit card, I think my identity’s been thieved!
Kathleen: I’m sleeping!
[ Mom sits on the bed as she dials Customer Service ]
Kathleen: Why are you up?!
Mom: [ into the phone ] Representative! 2 – 4 – 5…
[ Kathleen screams underneath her pillow ] [ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]
Kathleen: So this Mother’s Day, I’m turning to 1-800-FLOWERS. to help than my mom for all the amazing times.
[ cut to Kathleen at brunch with her mom ]
Mom: So what’s the latest with that Leann Rimes girl?
Kathleen: I have no idea.
Mom: What a saga that is. Geez…
[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]
Kathleen: And, above all, how open and honest we are with each other.
[ cut to Kathleen and Mom in the kitchen ]
Mom: Last week, your father and I watched a porno.
Kathleen: WHY would you share that with me?!
[ cut to Kathleen testimonial ]
Kathleen: So call or click today, and make this a Mother’s Day she won’t ever forget.
Mom: [ entering scene ] I still can’t find my debit card…!
Kathleen: Mom! I am doing a COMMERCIAL!!
Mom: [ digging through purse ] Here, I’ll double-check inside this guy. God, I wish I was a lesbian so I didn’t have to carry a purse. [ Kathleen wanders off ] Where are you going? Honey, it’s your commercial! I didn’t mean to interrupt! Come back! Coem back!
Announcer: 1-800-FLOWERS. Buckle up, ’cause Father’s Day is next…
Priest: She was a wonderful woman, and she will be missed. Her son Cal would like to say a few words. Cal?
[ Cal steps forward ]
Cal: My mother Barbara lived life to the fullest — from gardening and spending time with her grandchildren. She always… had a smile on her face. [ distracted ] I’m sorry? Are you raising your hand? Do you have a question?
Brian: [ rushing forward ] IS IT A W SHIRT?!
[ hip hop beat plays ]
Cal: Please! I just lost my MOM, man!
Brian: Hey! IS IT AN X SHIRT?!
Cal: No! Just go!
Brian: IS IT A Y SHIRT?!
Brian: IS IT A Z SHIRT?!
Cal: Nope! Wait…! Yeah! It’s a Z Shirt! Yeah! [ they share the laugh ] Yeah, thanks, man!
Vince Vaughn: Thank you, guys! As promised — [ he pulls out Eric’s cell phone ] Eric, you’re a gem. Here you go, thank you very much! [ he hands the cell phone back to Eric, then returns to Home Base ] Thank you very much to Miguel! Most importantly — Thanks to all of YOU GUYS, and to you at home! Thank you so much! Appreciate it! Good night! [ he blows a kiss ]
Vince Vaughn: Yeah! Alright! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! It’s great to be with you guys. This is my second time hosting the show. My first was a long time ago — It was 1998. But I do remember what I think is the MOST important lesson that I learned from that show, that the most important people that are here tonight — It’s not the cast… it’s not the writers… it’s not the crew… and, contrary to popular belief, it’s not even me. I know what you’re thinking — and I like it! — but the most important people here tonight… is the AUDIENCE! It’s YOU GUYS! [ the audience cheers wildly ] I’m not sucking up to you caged animals — I love your energy! And that’s exactly what we’re gonna need tonight. Because the fact of the matter is — Where you guys go, the show goes. We FEED off your energy! You are the fuel for the rocketship which is “Saturday Night Live”.
So with that in mind, I want to make sure that we’re all on the same page… I’d like to step into the audience, kick the tires a little bit, and just make sure we’re all to the right start. Are we comfortable with that?
[ the audience cheers wildly, as Vaughn steps into the audience an approaches a young woman in the front row ]
Vince Vaughn: Please stand up, please. [ she stands ] This is live television, and you are an angel. You’re made of nothing but sugar and breakaway glass. Now, what is your name?
Vince Vaughn: Paige! Paige, everybody. Now, Paige, uh — I find it to be a beautiful name and, might I add, that you’re also a beautiful lady.
Paige: Thank you very much!
Vince Vaughn: Now, how are you feeling this evening?
Paige: I’m feeling… very excited to be here.
Vince Vaughn: Well, I’m glad that Paige is feeling excited to be here. Paige, I’m gonna go ahead, and I’m just gonna put this out there: I like your face. I do. I like the energy that comes off it, and the kindness in your eyes, the experience that you have underneath those eyelids, and, uh… I’m gonna need that face to be here for me all night long. I want you to be my angel in the outfield.
Paige: I’m there!
Vince Vaughn: Okay, good. Now… what do I mean by that? It means I’m gonna need your focus. I’m gonna need your support. I’m gonna need your belief. And that doesn’t just go for me — It goes for Mr. Hader, for in this scene, for everyone on that stage. Can we count on you?
Vince Vaughn: Now, Paige — If I look out in the audience… and you are daydreaming and you’ve lost your focus… you’re gonna put this tall drink of water into a tailspin. That’s a promise. It’s gonna be Meltdown City. I don’t want to put the pressure on you, or — or — or transport my anxiety on you, but I need a wonder tremor. Are you gonna be there for me?
Paige: Yes! Absolutely!
Vince Vaughn: I can count on that. And I dig you in a VERY serious way. And the last thing I want to say to you is: I’m gonna move on… but you’ve made your mark. Okay? You sit it down. You’re gold, you’re SOLID gold! [ she sits, as the audience applauds wildly ] Let’s see what else we’ve got. I like what’s happening so far! [ he approaches a young man ] Sir! Stand on up, please. [ he stands ] Let’s get the fellas involved. How are you?
Eric: Great. I… I’m very nervous!
Vince Vaughn: Well, I don’t want you to be! Because that’s what we have to get out of the way, right? We’re a team. We’re a tram on this thing. Now, what is your name?
Vince Vaughn: Eric. That’s a fantastic name, so, right off the bat, you’re doing terrific. Now, here’s a question: Have you been drinking?
Vince Vaughn: Okay.
Eric: But I plan to.
Vince Vaughn: You plan to? Like a fun night out, or like I just got the ankle bracelet off? What kind of drinking?
Eric: Uh… the ankle bracelet off.
Vince Vaughn: Got the ankle bracelet off. Let’s keep it together until then. Now, Eric, in knowing that, I have to ask you: Do your friends often ask you at events to turn off your cellphone?
Vince Vaughn: They don’t? Okay, and why is that?
Eric: Uhhhhh… I don’t know.
Vince Vaughn: Because it’s probably off. Now, you’re scaring me. Let’s look. Pull it out. Well, now I want to see if they do want to talk to you. I want to turn that tape around. If we do one thing tonight — we’ll stay here all night, this’ll become a one-man show with you, Eric. Oh, yeah. We’ll get you naked in a bath tub, we’ll break down some walls. Can I see your phone, please? I want to make sure this is off. [ Eric hands his cellphone over ] Okay… it is off. That’s a good sign. Now — I want you to treat tonight like a live performance that you’re a part of. This is like a sporting event, where you want to, like, get a photo of the touchdown, so you can prove to your friends that you were there. These cameras are better at capturing what’s gonna happen on stage than this thing ever is. I’m not saying it’s a bad-quality phone — I don’t want a lawsuit — I’m just saying, these guys do a great at capturing things. And I also believe it’s better, sometimes, to take the memories with our hearts and with our minds. That’s not just for Eric — That’s for all you kids out there tonight. It’s okay to put down the phones and be a part of the memory. That lasts a lifetime as well. Eric, here’s what I’m gonna have to say to you: I don’t know if you’re capable of making good decisions. I’m gonna keep the phone for the show. I’m gonna give it back you — if you give the right energy, which I know you’re gonna do, so this is a foregone conclusion. This has already happened. Picture me — The show went great, and I’m handing you the phone. But that’s not happening now. I’m keeping the damn phone until the show is over, okay? You’re gonna get it back. If things go bad, I’m gonna text some people, I might break it. Sit down, I dig where you’re coming from. [ Eric sits ] Guys, let’s fill his cup with love– This is a man who deserves it. [ the audience cheers ] Paige, how you doing? Still my Number One. Still my NUmber One. I say: As Paige goes, the show goes. Yuo guys feel me on that? [ the audience cheers, as he aproaches an older man ] Alright, what’s your name?
Vince Vaughn: Adrian, stand on up. [ he stands ] You look like a sailor and a gentleman. How are you, Adrian?
Adrian: Doing fine.
Vince Vaughn: Okay, Adrian’s doing fine. Now, Adrian, let me ask you a question: Are yuo excited to see the show?
Adrian: I couldn’t be more excited!
Vince Vaughn: That’s very nice to hear. Now, how long have you been waiting to get in?
Adrian: Three years.
Vince Vaughn: I — Are you being serious?
Vince Vaughn: What’s been the process?
Adrian: It’s been e-mail after e-mail.
Vince Vaughn: Okay…
Adrian: Lots of pressure.
Vince Vaughn: I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. We’ve gotta get this guy out of here. Ha ha ha? Ha ha ha? [ Bobby Moynihan appears ] Get him out of here, Bobby. Take him out of here. I’m serious. We’re not gonna deal with security, I’m gonna let Bobby do it. With a nice consolation — Give him a Drunk Uncle on the way out, make him feel good about it. That guy has a darkness about him. Theres a darkness inside that man, theres a scary energy in that man… there’s someone you’re gonna read about inside that man… Were not about that tonight! Now, even in the movie “Patton”, you had to shoot a couple mules — I’m not saying Adrian’s a mule, I’m not saying he’s not a mule. But you had to shoot them for the whole company to accomplish what they wanted to accomplish, right? [ he sighs heavily, then glances down at Paige ] There you are, baby! I gotta tell you: [ a beat ] I feel like you let me down, Paige. I feel like you’re supposed to protect me from the worst me… and here I fell apart, and this nice man, Adrian, I went and threw out and I feel AWFUL about it. Bobby, can you go ahead and bring Adrian back? [ Bobby returns with Adrian ] And get Paige out of the building — Get her the hell out of here! Get her out of here! She’s a DISEASE, Bobby, get her out of here! [ Bobby escorts Paige away ] Bring her back! Bring her back! Bring her back! [ Bobby returns with Paige ] Bring her back! And not because I should, Paige — Not because I should. Stand up here. We’re gonna have a little heart-to-heart before we start this. [ Paige stands ] I think the entire audience is bhind me when I say I should throw you out of here in that lovely dress. But — I’ve fallen in love with Paige in this short time… and I’m not capable of it. I don’t have the skills to navigate this relationship in a way that’s healthy for me. So, Paige, I’m gonna count on you. Hopefully, you’ve read some books and watched some shows, and you know how to put up some boundaries with a man. Is that true?
Vince Vaughn: Okay. Then, I’m gonna count on you. Guys, let’s learn from this together. We went through something tough tonight. Paige, sit down. [ she sits ] Thank you for being my concubine. Adrian, Eric, all of you…
[ Vaughn returns to Home Base, as the audience cheers wildly ]
Vince Vaughn: No, no! No, no! That’s not what we’re about here. The applause don’t start yet, because you’re PART of the team. And that goes for everyone at home, too. Let’s get some focus tonight, guys. You don’t think we can feel it through the lens? Ha ha! Guess again. ‘Cause we can. Turn on your heartlights. Feed us the fuel for this plane to take off. And we’re gonna have a great show. I think we can light this thing up tonight! Am I right? [ the audience cheers wildly ] Guys, we have a great show! Yuo guys are a great audience! Miguel is here! We’ll be right back! Let’s ROCK this thing!
Hal Sumner……Kevin Hart Director…..Tim Robinson Producer…..Bobby Moynihan Camera 1…..Fred Armisen Camera 2…..Nasim Pedrad Camera 3…..Taran Killam Camera 4…..Kenan Thompson Camera 5…..Jay Pharoah
Announcer: Strap in for 360 News! Eight cameras! One newsman! Eighty stories! One sentence each!
[ Hal Sumner turns to face front-facing camera ]
Hal Sumner: Bus crash in Iowa!
[ Hal Sumner spins around 180-degrees ]
Hal Sumner: Tornados rock the Midwest!
[ Hal Sumner turns to face another angle ]
Hal Sumner: Stock market!
[ cut to graphics ]
Announcer: Some news gives you BOTH sides of the story! 360 News gives you every! [ Hal Sumner turns to face camera over his shoulder ] Possible! [ Hal Sumner looks up at camera pointing down from the ceiling ] Angle! [ Hal Sumner looks down at a camera pointing up from the floor ] Now — here to give you the news from EVERY direction — Hal Sumner!
[ wipe to Hal Sumner at the 360 news desk, his neck now awkwardly covered with a brace ]
Hal Sumner: [ straining ] Good evening… I’m Hal Sumner. Uh… Quick personal note: I was rear-ended in a minor car accident last night. No big deal! Now onto the news. Airline workers threaten strike! [ he struggles to turn 45-degrees to face a different camera ] Senate to debate gun control! [ he struggles to face the front camera again ] Lean Cuisine dish recalled! [ he collects his breath, then struggles to turn 45-degrees again ] It kills me, man…! Go to a commercial, guys! You gotta go to a commercial!
Director: And we’re… clear! Clear! [ he rushes toward the desk ] Hey, Cal! How you feeling, man?
Producer: Do you want me to call Don, have him sit in for you?
Hal Sumner: Don? No! No, man…! I’m fine…! I got this…! In fact, listen — I don’t even NEED this neck brace! Okay, guys? Let’s just do it without it…
Director: [ he removes Cal’s neck brace ] Okay, alright… We’re back in 3! 2! [ they run off ] [ Cal gasps, then his neck falls down across shoulders ]
Hal Sumner: Guuuuuuuyyyyys!! Guuuuuuyyyys!! [ he tries to lift his head with his hands ] Give me back the neck brace! Give me back the neck brace!
[ the Director rushes back in and replaces the neck brace ]
Director: Alright… there we go. Just a heads up — we’re running out of commercials to throw to.
Producer: Yeah. Hey, look — I know you’re not gonna like this idea, but what if, just for today, we just used one camera?
Hal Sumner: [ outraged ] What?! It’s “360 News”, you son of a bitch! Okay, listen — you gotta have THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY degrees of cameras! Now, you KNOW that!
Director: [ thinking ] Uh… alright, look, Cal… I’ve wanted to say this to you for a long time: This is a VERY stupid idea for a news show. You only need ONE camera!
Hal Sumner: [ hyperventilating ] Okay… Okay! Does EVERYBODY think that?! Hmm? Camera 1? Camera 1, do you think that “360 News” is a dumb idea?!
Camera 1: Yeah!
Hal Sumner: Okay, Camera 2! What about you?!
Camera 2: Real stupid!
Hal Sumner: Okay, Camera 3! What about you?!
Camera 3: It’s bad, man.
Hal Sumner: Okay, Camera 4! Come on, 4! I need you on this one!
Camera 4: Your show SUCKS, man!
Hal Sumner: Camera 5! Talk to me, Camera 5!
Camera 5: [ suspended from the ceiling ] I HATE this show!
Hal Sumner: You know what? You know what?~ You’re all traitors!! Okay? That — that — You’re ALL traitors! Let me tell you something, you — [ he grunts as the camera angle switches ] You’re a traitor! You’re a traitor, right there! You are! [ he struggles to turn his head, as the camera angle switches again ] You’re a traitor, too! Over here! YOU! [ he truggles to turn his head, as the camera angle switches again ] Okay! You’re DEFINITELY a traitor, right there! IT’S JUST A BUNCH OD TRAITORS ON THIS THING…!!
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah Sen. Joe Manchin…..Jason Sudeikis Sen. Patrick Toomey…..Bill Hader
Announcer: [ over Presidential Seal ] And now, a message from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President Barack Obama at podium ]
President Barack Obama: Uh — Thank you! Thank you very much. Uh — Good evening, my fellow Americans. As you know… over the past few months… I have made gun control legislation… a top priority for my administration. Which is why I am so excited to annouce that, this week, the Senate voted 68 to 31… to begin debating… the IDEA… of discussing un control! Uh — uh — uh, let me say that again: They’ve agreed to THINK ABOUT… TALKING about gun control! Amazing! Nowwwww… with me tonight are Democratic Senator Manchin and Republican Senator Patrick Toomey.
[ the two senators appear next to Obama ]
Sen. Joe Manchin: They both worked very hard — TOGETHER! — to bang out a bipartisan agreement. These men risked EVERYTHING… for this bill. I mean, Senator Manchin represents West Virginia! And he’s proposing gun reform? He’s gonna lose a job! And Senator Toomey… This man is a Republican who is willing to make just the slightest compromise on gun control? He’s gonna lose a job, too! But that’s what it takes to achieve COMPROMISE! So… why don’t you tell the folks at home, uhhh, what you’ve accomplished?
Sen. Patrick Toomey: We — we’d rather not.
Sen. Joe Manchin: Ohhhh, no! Go ahead! Tell them!
Sen. Patrick Toomey: Uh, well, uh — First of all, most Americans agree we need stricter background checks. If our bill passes, no individual can purchase a handgun from a private dealer without being asked: “Are you a good person?” As well as the follow-up question: “Seriously, are you?”
Sen. Joe Manchin: Uh, we’re also hoping to limit the amount of ammunition you can carry in magazines. Uhhh — we did not do that. No.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: But, uh — we HAVE to agreed to limit the number of guns you can shoot at once… to two.
Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: Anyone caught shooting more guns at the same time, we prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.
Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm. Unfortunately, the punishment os we give you a fourth gun.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: [ shaking his head ] I don’t know how that happened…
Sen. Joe Manchin: It was a compromise, I think… yes.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: Also — We’re very proud of this — We were able to ban AK-47s from all coin-operated vending machines. And the Papa John’s promotion — Buy 2 medium pizzas, get a free gun — has been COMPLETELY outlawed!
Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm. That’s right. Oh — except on weekends! And, uh, during the Super Bowl.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: Of course, this might go without saying, but… none of these restrictions would apply to Florida. Uhhhh… we don’t know why.
Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: It definitely should…
Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: But they just don’t. I don’t know, it’s a weird…
Sen. Joe Manchin: It is weird!
Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s weird.
Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah, it’s weird! ‘Cause I know we typed, you know, Florida, into the bill, but when we printed it out, you know, I mean, it’s just not there!
Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s spooky!
Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah!
Sen. Patrick Toomey: A spooky thing.
Sen. Joe Manchin: So, is this bill what we wanted? No. Is it what the NRA wanted? No. But does it at least help in some small way?
Sen. Patrick Toomey: No.
Sen. Joe Manchin: No. Probably not.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: It doesn’t. We are confident that this bill will pass the Senate, and will then go to the House of Representatives where it will IMMEDIATELY get shot down.
Sen. Joe Manchin: That’s right. And that is not a metaphor. They will literally THROW the bill up in the air and SHOOT it with a gun! I’ve seen it done.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: Yeah!
Sen. Joe Manchin: C-Span gets a little rowdy sometimes.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s a sight! So, in summary, uhhhh… [ he shrugs his shoulders ] You’re welcome?
Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah, I guess…
Sen. Patrick Toomey: So we turn it back to you, Mr. President.
[ they step aside ]
Sen. Joe Manchin: You see? That’s what I’m up against, America. Plus: Jay-Z keeps rapping bout how I let him go to Cuba. I thought that guy was on my side? Allow me to re-intoduce myself: I’m the President! [ he shakes his arms and shoulders ] And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiighttttt!!!”