SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 09/22/12: Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Monologue

…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Audience Member #1…..Aidy Bryant
Audience Member #2…..Kenan Thompson
Audience Member #3…..Cecily Strong
Audience Member #4…..Nasim Pedrad
Dancer #1…..Jay Pharoah
Dancer #2…..Taran Killam
Dancer #3…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Joseph Gordon-Levitt!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: It is so great to be here, back hosting “Saturday Night Live!” You know, this year has been so amazing! I’ve been lucky to be in some great movies….. I have the movie “Looper” coming out. In that movie, I play a young version of Bruce Willis — so I guess I play Ashton Kutcher. I was also in “The Dark Knight Rises.”

But, you know what my favorite superhero movie of the summer was? “Magic Mike” — I’m serious, my friend Channing Tatum was so great in that. You know what my favorite part of “Magic Mike” was? This part!

[ Joseph rips of his suit and is now draped in only a vest, trousers, and fedora. The Weather Girls’ “It’s Raining Men” starts playing. AUDIENCE MEMBERS 1-3 are in glee. Joseph gyrates his pelvis while twirling an umbrella. He then proceeds to do push-ups and removes his fedora. ] [ ENTER DANCERS 1-3. All are dressed in the same manner as Joseph. Everyone removes their vest to show their bare chest except Bobby, who’s wearing a smaller vest underneath his previous vest. ] [ Joseph notices a FOURTH AUIDENCE MEMBER and makes his way over to her. He’s holding a Cosmopolitan drink and excited to see him. Joseph grinds her face into her crotch so hard she spills her drink. ] [ Bobby hands Joseph a confetti cannon and he fires it into the audience. ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: We got a great show tonight! Mumford and Sons are here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 09/22/12: Powers Realty

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Powers Realty

Burt Powers…..Tim Robinson
Blair Powers…..Nasim Pedrad
Carmine Powers…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt

[ open on TV advertisement screen of open-mouthed couple ]

Announcer: If you’re looking for a home, look no further than Powers Realty.

[ dissolve to Burt and Blair Powers ]

Burt Powers: Hi! We’re real estate team Burt and Blair Powers, from POWERS Realty!

Blair Powers: You’ve seen our ads around town.

Burt Powers: When you come to us and ask us to find the home of your dreams, WE! COME! THROUGH!

Blair Powers: But now, we have something to ask you.

Burt Powers: [ he sighs ] Please stop drawing butts and weiners on our advertisements!

Blair Powers: Please!

Burt Powers: You may not know it, but it hurts my feelings when I see my wife of twelve years going to town on a floating shaf and balls.

Blair Powers: We’re trying to find you a home. Don’t mar the experience by drawing the seeds of man splattered on my face. That’s not fun!

Burt Powers: We know we are partially to blame. We took the pictures with our mouthes WIDE OPEN, as if to say… “Put something AWFUL in here!”

Blair Powers: Awful things, like: [ reveal montage of marred advertisements ] Big weiners. Little weiners. A squadron of tiny airplanes that are shaped like weiners. And my husband and I having an absurd conversation about our hunger for balls.

Burt Powers: Come on, folks! There’s a time and a place for that!

Blair Powers: Nowhere and NEVER! So don’t give my husband a black eye and then imply that he got being pistol-whipped by a ding-dong! First of all, don’t… second of all, don’t!

Burt Powers: Let’s talk about our bus picture on 24th Street outside the Yogurt Land. That thing is a disaster!

Blair Powers: You know the one. It suggests that my husband poops gold coins and then those gold coins somehow find their way into my mouth and I enjoy them for dinner — No, I don’t!

Burt Powers: Don’t do it!

Blair Powers: Don’t do it! You’re hurting our whole family. [ Teenager comes into position ] Meet our poor son, Carmine. He hates it!

Burt Powers: Tell them what you saw outside your school, Carm-Carm!

Carmine Powers: Yeah, I… well, I saw my Mom with poop on her head, Dad with a big foot, Mom with a weiner, Dad with a thought bubble that says “I’m coocoo for ponopuffs”, Mom eating a fart, Dad eating a wang sandwich, And both of them playing Penis Tennis at Wimbledong.

Burt Powers: Folks, that was all on ONE billboard! What’s wrong with YOU?!

[ in the background, Carmine proceeds to draw more weiners on his parents’ poster ]

Burt Powers: So, if you want to take a ride to your dream home and, uh…

[ suddenly, time runs short and we dissolve straight to the night’s final bumper ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts