SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 09/22/12

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 2

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

September 22nd, 2012

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Mumford and Sons




Live With Kelly & MichaelSummary: Kelly Ripa (Nasim Pedrad) gabs with her new permanent morning bo-host Michael Strahan (Jay Pharoah).

Recurring Characters: Kelly Ripa.



Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s MonologueSummary: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is excited about his recent slate of movies, but is most stoked about Channing Tatum’s role in “Magic Mike” and performs his own version of the “It’s Raining Men” sequence.


Low-Information Voters Of AmericaSummary: America’s undecided voters have an extensive collection of unreleated questions to ask about this year’s Presidential election.


Tres EquisSummary: Son of the world’s most interesting man (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) lives vicariously in his father’s shadow.


Private EyeSummary: Private eye Sam Flint (Bill Hader) has tailed his Mr. Morelli’s (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) cheating wife, but only has hand-drawn caricatures to prove it.


Tres Equis IISummary: Son of the world’s most interesting man (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) gets into a heated argument with his absentee father (Jason Sudeikis).


HypnotistSummary: Curtis (Taran Killam) humors hypnotist Tommy Bergamont (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) into believing he’s put him under a deep, suggestive trance.


G.O.B. TamponsSummary: The new tampon designed by members of the Republican Party.

Mumford and Sons perform “I Will Wait”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers asks “What Are You Thinking?” after President Barack Obama makes an unnecessary verbal gaffe. Bashar al-Assad’s best friends from growing up (Fred Armisen, Vanessa Bayer) whisper about him behind his back. Anne Romney (Kate McKinnon) insists that she and Mitt are more connected to the average American than the celebrity-friendly Barack and Michelle Obama. ESPN anchor Stephen A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) name-drops athletes he’s only vaguely connected to.

Recurring Characters: Anne Romney, Bill Perry.

LondonSummary: Bar buddies sing along to Hey Dude’s! (Mumford and Sons) cover version of “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” and reminisce about odd times on the eve of Chris’ (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) wedding.

Recurring Characters: Bar Buddies.


The Finer ThingsSummary: Hosts Swade (Kenan Thompson) and Fort Knox (Jay Pharoah) discuss fine things like handbags and long-stemmed wine glasses with Jake Thriller (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Teddy Graham (Bobby Moynihan).

Mumford and Sons perform “Below My Feet”

Our DaughterSummary: Mr. McKeon (Fred Armisen) sets up co-worker Tom (Tim Robinson) with his daughter Evelyn (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), and introduces her awkwardly via an elaborate vocal performance.

Powers RealtySummary: Burt (Tim Robinson) and Blair (Nasim Pedrad) speak out against the pranksters who are drawing balls and weiners all over their open-mouthed bust stop advertisements.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

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SNL Transcripts: Daniel Craig: 10/06/12: Three Days Later: A Look Back at the Obama Debate Disaster

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 3

12c: Daniel Craig / Muse

Three Days Later: A Look Back at the Obama Debate Disaster

Rachel Maddow…..Cecily Strong
Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson
S. E. Cupp…..Kate McKinnon
Chris Matthews…..Jason Sudeikis

[Open on MSNBC title screen]

Announcer: We now return to the MSNBC special report, ‘Three Days Later: A Look Back At The Obama Debate Disaster’.

[Starwipe to set]

Rachel Maddow: Good evening. I’m Rachel Maddow. And tonight we try and pick up the pieces and make sense of Barack Obama’s performance, Wednesday’s debate. Or as we’re calling it at MSNBC, “The worst thing that ever happened anywhere”. [A title card beneath her reads ‘The Worst Thing That Ever Happened Anywhere’] Joining me tonight, the Reverend Al Sharpton.

Al Sharpton: I’ll never forget where I was the night of that debate. I was here.

Rachel Maddow: Our one conservative contributor, S. E. Cupp.

S. E. Cupp: [smiling widely] This has been the best week of my life.

Rachel Maddow: And joining us from outside the university of Colorado where he has refused to eat, shower, or sleep since the debate, Chris Matthews.

Chris Matthews: Eh, what the hell happened, I want answers!

Rachel Maddow: Reverend Sharpton, we’ll start with you. How do you think the president did?

Al Sharpton: Well, I think he did bad. But I would like now to make an excuse for why he was bad. You see, Obama was poisoned by the altitude. [A title card underneath him reads ‘Altitude Poisoning’] You see, Denver, Colorado is a mile high. Now, there is no way to know for sure how many feet that is. But it could be upwards of a million. Now, Obama’s from Hawaii, which is a mile below the earth. So for him, speaking at Colorado was like being flung two miles straight into the air then having to give a speech in outer space.

Rachel Maddow: Chris, were you disappointed in the president’s performance?

Chris Matthews: Disappointed? I’ve never been so disgusted in my life! I feel bad for whoever had to, you know, move the podiums afterwards because Obama took a giant dump behind his!

Rachel Maddow: That’s pretty harsh, Chris.

Chris Matthews: It’s true! He stunk! It’s one thing President Obama had nothing to say but why was he letting Governor Romney talk? Forgot the first rule of debating, always be interrupting! When I don’t have points to make on my show I make up for it by screaming at people! That’s how you win a debate!

Rachel Maddow: Well, Chris, I don’t know about that-

Chris Matthews: [Interrupting her] Bah bah bah bah bah, you’re wrong! See? Debate’s over, I win!

Rachel Maddow: Alright. S. E. Cupp, anything to add from the conservative perspective?

S. E. Cupp: No, Rachel, I’m happy to just listen and smile. I believe the term is gloating. [She does a small “raise the roof” motion.]

Al Sharpton: Uh, Rachel, if I may. I’ve come up with another excuse. Jet lag! Colorado is two time zones behind Washington. [A title card underneath him reads ‘”Two” Too Many’.] That makes it very hard for the internal clock to adjust. Also, Denver is in what’s known as the “western hemisphere”. So, say you need to go to the bathroom in Washington D.C. When you flush, the water goes clockwise. Whereas in Colorado, when you flush, the water shoots straight up your ass. It could throw a man off his game.

Rachel Maddow: I’ll admit it wasn’t the president’s best night but was Romney any better? I mean, why isn’t the media talking more about this classic Romney gaffe?

[A real clip of Mitt Romney speaking at the debate is played. He’s saying, “And say to a state ‘you’re gonna get what you got last year, plus infation- plation. Inflation.”]

Rachel Maddow: [A mocking smile] Uhh, talk much governor? Is it, is it “inflation” or “inplation”? Uhh, if so, what is “inplation”? Uh, let’s take another look. [They replay the “inflation” stumble in slow motion.] Not exactly presidential. And can we freeze frame it for a second? [It’s freeze framed on a particularly unflattering expression Romney is making.] Nice face, governor! I don’t know how they’re going to spin that one.

Al Sharpton: Uh, okay! I have a third, worse excuse. I believe that on the night of the debate, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama switched bodies. [A title card underneath him reads ‘Freaky Wednesday’.] Perhaps, and this is just a theory, perhaps they were exchanging pleasantries blackstage and Mitt said “Man, it’s not easy raising five boys.” And then Barack said, “You should try raising two girls.” And then they laughed and at the exact same time they said, “What I wouldn’t give to switch places.” Lightning strike! Just like that, Romney’s cool, Obama got no game.

Rachel Maddow: [Looks dumbfounded for a moment] Uh, moving forward. Any advice for Obama in his second debate, Chris?

Chris Matthews: Yeah! Stop being a pussy! You got pushed around for ninety minutes you need to make him fear you again! It’s time to go full blown Tyson! Show up in the next dab- in the next debate with a face tattoo! Not one of those subtle ones but one of these, one of these jobs, y’know? [He covers half his face with his hand] When he goes to shake your hand you bite his ear, you spit it on the ground, and you yell, “What are you gonna do, arrest me? I’m the president of the United States!”

Rachel Maddow: Al-alright, let’s take a break. When we return, a new segment called: ‘Is winning the election even that important’? The answer might surprise you.

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

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