SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 09/22/12: Powers Realty

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Powers Realty

Burt Powers…..Tim Robinson
Blair Powers…..Nasim Pedrad
Carmine Powers…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt

[ open on TV advertisement screen of open-mouthed couple ]

Announcer: If you’re looking for a home, look no further than Powers Realty.

[ dissolve to Burt and Blair Powers ]

Burt Powers: Hi! We’re real estate team Burt and Blair Powers, from POWERS Realty!

Blair Powers: You’ve seen our ads around town.

Burt Powers: When you come to us and ask us to find the home of your dreams, WE! COME! THROUGH!

Blair Powers: But now, we have something to ask you.

Burt Powers: [ he sighs ] Please stop drawing butts and weiners on our advertisements!

Blair Powers: Please!

Burt Powers: You may not know it, but it hurts my feelings when I see my wife of twelve years going to town on a floating shaf and balls.

Blair Powers: We’re trying to find you a home. Don’t mar the experience by drawing the seeds of man splattered on my face. That’s not fun!

Burt Powers: We know we are partially to blame. We took the pictures with our mouthes WIDE OPEN, as if to say… “Put something AWFUL in here!”

Blair Powers: Awful things, like: [ reveal montage of marred advertisements ] Big weiners. Little weiners. A squadron of tiny airplanes that are shaped like weiners. And my husband and I having an absurd conversation about our hunger for balls.

Burt Powers: Come on, folks! There’s a time and a place for that!

Blair Powers: Nowhere and NEVER! So don’t give my husband a black eye and then imply that he got being pistol-whipped by a ding-dong! First of all, don’t… second of all, don’t!

Burt Powers: Let’s talk about our bus picture on 24th Street outside the Yogurt Land. That thing is a disaster!

Blair Powers: You know the one. It suggests that my husband poops gold coins and then those gold coins somehow find their way into my mouth and I enjoy them for dinner — No, I don’t!

Burt Powers: Don’t do it!

Blair Powers: Don’t do it! You’re hurting our whole family. [ Teenager comes into position ] Meet our poor son, Carmine. He hates it!

Burt Powers: Tell them what you saw outside your school, Carm-Carm!

Carmine Powers: Yeah, I… well, I saw my Mom with poop on her head, Dad with a big foot, Mom with a weiner, Dad with a thought bubble that says “I’m coocoo for ponopuffs”, Mom eating a fart, Dad eating a wang sandwich, And both of them playing Penis Tennis at Wimbledong.

Burt Powers: Folks, that was all on ONE billboard! What’s wrong with YOU?!

[ in the background, Carmine proceeds to draw more weiners on his parents’ poster ]

Burt Powers: So, if you want to take a ride to your dream home and, uh…

[ suddenly, time runs short and we dissolve straight to the night’s final bumper ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 09/22/12: Tres Equis

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Tres Equis

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Companion…..Kate McKinnon

(A Lothario type with a white suit and a rather pathetic goatee struts into a bar.)

Announcer: He can make a woman cringe, just by entering a room.

(The man fires his fingers like a gun at two beautiful women, who cringe and look away. He sidles up to one and she walks away in disgust.)

He owns five different styles of fedora.

(In his bathroom, the man tries on different fedoras, finding one he approves of.)

When he orders at Starbucks, he always gives a fake name.

(A Barista hands him a cup, which he proudly displays as being labeled “King Dong.”)

He claims he dated a model, but her only modeling work was an ad for her dad’s Car dealership, and they never had sex.

(He lovingly caresses a framed portrait of a woman, nodding self-satisfactorally)

He can sort of break-dance.

(He does, for an unimpressed-looking woman.)

And he accidentally sent a photo of his penis to the guy who just delivered his chinese food.

He is…the Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World.

(The Man sits at a bar, with a Tres Equis beer, next to a very bored looking blonde companion.)

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer “Tres Equis.” It’s one equis better than my dad’s beer, because he was never there for me. It’s two parts “Dos Equis” and one part none of your business. (Raising his beer in a toast) Keep Bangin’, my friends.

Announcer: Tres Equis. That means “Triple X,” homies.

Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: (Toasting) To boobies!

Submitted by: Ted Zoldan

SNL Transcripts