SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>






Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

















Bit Players:


May 17th, 2014

Andy Samberg

St. Vincent

None

Maya Rudolph

Seth Meyers

Bill Hader

Martin Short

Paul Rudd

Fred Armisen

Kristen Wiig

Pharrell Williams

2 Chainz

None

A Message from Solange & Jay-ZSummary: Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah) and Beyonce’s (Maya Rudolph) sister Solange (Sasheer Zamata) insist that there’s no bad will toward one another.

Recurring Characters: Jay-Z, Beyonce.

Montage

Andy Samberg’s MonologueSummary: Andy Samberg performs a series of quick impressions so he can surpass Bill Hader’s record.

Transcript

Camp Wicawabe, 1990Summary: Two loud little terds Cambria (Aidy Bryant) and Piper (Kate McKinnon) host a talk show in their bunk for fellow campers.

Transcript

An SNL Digital Short Summary: DJ Davvincii (Andy Samberg) keeps his frantic crowd waiting to find out “When Will the Bass Drop?”

Confident HunchbackSummary: A hip Quasimodo (Andy Samberg) hits on all the ladies at the tavern below the bell tower.

Transcript

St. Vincent performs “Digital Witness”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin JostSummary: Comedian Bruce Chandling (Kyle Mooney) jokes about Memorial Day. Paul Rudd gets “In the Cage” with Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg).

Recurring Characters: Bruce Chandling, Nicolas Cage.

The VogelchecksSummary: Members of the Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, etc.) continue to kiss one another.

Recurring Characters: The Vogelchecks.

Transcript

Waking Up with KimyeSummary: Kanye West (Jay Pharoah) and Kim Kardashian (Nasim Pedrad) make final wedding preparations.

Recurring Characters: Kanye West, Kim Kardashian.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Pharrell Williams rap about only giving girls “Hugs”.

Transcript

Legolas from ‘The Hobbit’ Tries to Order at Taco BellSummary: Legolas (Andy Samberg) vexes counter jockey (Jay Pharoah) while ordering from Taco Bell.

Transcript

Blizzard ManSummary: Blizzard Man (Andy Samberg) records a track with 2 Chainz.

Recurring Characters: Blizzard Man.

Transcript

St. Vincent performs “Birth in Reverse”Lyrics

BvlgariSummary: Vacuous ex-porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer) and her friend (Cecily Strong) submit a commercial for free Bvlgari watches, with the help of former conjoined twin actors Tweedle-Dee (Andy Samberg) and Tweedle-Dong (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Brookie, Friend.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


April 12th, 2014

Seth Rogen

Ed Sheeran

None

James Franco

Zooey Deschanel

Taylor Swift

None

GOP at CoachellaSummary: Paul Ryan (Taran KIllam) and Jeb Bush (Beck Bennett) try to make themselves relevant to a younger audience at a music festival.

Recurring Characters: Paul Ryan, Jeb Bush.

Montage

Seth Rogen’s MonologueSummary: Seth Rogen’s diary readings are interrupted by unwanted cameos from James Franco, Zooey Deschanel and Taylor Swift.

ShallonSummary:

Recurring Characters: Shallon.

CNN Pregnancy Test Summary: Hopeful Mom-to-be (Vanessa Bayer) receives frequent though useless updates on the possibility of her being pregnant.

Transcript

SteakhouseSummary:

Monster PalsSummary: After being made fun of in a bar, a pair of monsters (James Franco, Mike O’Brien) have reconstructive surgery to look human.

Transcript

Blue River Dog FoodSummary: Pat’s (Seth Rogen) testimonial for Blu River Dog Food takes an abrupt turn when Cindy (Cecily Strong) lashes out at the lack of integrity of their previous brand.

Transcript

Ed Sheeran performs “Sing”

Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin JostSummary: Red Sox player David Ortiz (Kenan Thompson) explains the selfie he took with President Obama. Bar Mitzvah boy Jacob (Vanessa Bayer) still isn’t quite ready to bond with Cecily Strong.

Recurring Characters: Jacob.

Engagement PartySummary: (Seth Rogen) is embarrassed when his cousin Stacey (Cecily Strong) crashes his engagement party to announce that he had a one-time drunken gay encounter.

Undercover SharptonSummary: In the 1970’s, Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) goes undercover to assist the FBI in a drug bust.

Ed Sheeran performs “Don’t”

Happy 420Summary: Wanna-be pot smoker (Kyle Mooney) celebrates the return of Bob Blinger on April 20th.

Herman & SonsSummary: George Herman (Seth Rogen) and Eugene Sons (Kenan Thompson) announce the transition of their business venture from a sperm bank to a yogurt parlor.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Blizzard Man



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21








13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Blizzard Man

Agent #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Technician…..Kenan Thompson
Agent #2…..Beck Bennett
…..2 Chainz
Blizzard Man…..Andy Samberg

[ open on studios ]

Agent #1: It’s such an honor to be in the studio with the one and only 2 Chainz.

2 Chainz: The honor’s all mine!

Agent #2: Chainz, the tracks are bangin’ but we still need a hook for that second single.

2 Chainz: I feel you — but not to worry, I got just the man for the job.

Agent #2: Who, Pitbull?

Agent #1: Cool-o.

2 Chainz: Nah, nah better. The Blizzard Man!

Technician: The Blizzard Man? I heard he dropped out the game, disappeared down the rabbit home of his own genius like a hip hop Bobby Fischer.

[ door buzzes ]

2 Chainz: That’s him, right there. [ Blizzard Man enters] My man! What up, player? You ready to do this thing?

Blizard Man: Yeah.

2 Chainz: Get in the booth, fool.

Technician: So, that’s the Blizzardman?

2 Chainz: I know what you’re thinkin’. But the man has the same exact swag as ASAP Rocky, and the street cred of Katherine Heigl.

Agent #2: Oh, so he’s a soldier?

2 Chainz: Exactly. Yo! Blizzard! You ready to do this thing man? Just let the music move through you, baby.

Blizard Man: Trill.

[ rapping ]“Yo I’m ’bout to set it.
It’s your boy, Blizznasty, on worst behavior
Check my style out
Rap song, rap song
I boogie on the floor and yell huzzah
The ladies look finer then a country ham so I make them put there moves on my butt.
Yo! The devil is a lie!”

2 Chainz: Put up the bat! Home run! It’s over! Give me my money, give me my money!

Technician: What?! That was terrible!

Agent #1: Yeah, not good.

Agent #2: Did not like that no.

2 Chainz: Man, y’all crazy!

Technician: Alright, Blizzard Man, take two.

Blizard Man: [ rapping ]“Yo! The block is hot.
Two and A Half Men made better by the Kutch.
Check my style out.
I wear a shirt in bed ’cause I’ve got Eggo Waffle nips.
My main tattoo is a leaf of dope
and I’ll only fornicate with ratchet dames.
Yo! Rhythm is a dancer!”

Technician: No!

2 Chainz: I can’t believe he brought that swag back, swag, swag.

Agent #1: Yeah, 2 Chainz, I’m just not sure what you see in this guy.

2 Chainz: Are you kidding me? The guy look like a white Taye Diggs. Just check him out.

Agent #1: Okay, yeah, I’m not sure but I’m open to it. I’d like to hear him try again.

Technician: Suit yourself. Blizzard Man, take three!

Blizard Man: [ rapping ]Yo! ‘Bout to hit you with a trap 00 1990 schnurf!”

Technician: ’90 schnurf?

Blizard Man: [ rapping ]“La Bamba is my favorite
The movie, not the song.
Mr. Esai Morales.
Check my style out.
I am a super freak. I’m known to Bob Sallies in the womens latrine.
I put it on ’em like a Stallion horse and my wang is bigger than a Country ham.
It’s my birthday and I’ve got one wish,
it’s for a prostitute with grande trunk.
I take her for a brunch at a brasserie
head back to the can and then pay the bowl.
Boop boop boobalie boop boop ba do boo ba da…”

Agent #1: Well, 2 Chainz, looks like Blizzardman did it.

Agent #2: Swag!

(Image: Newspaper: “Blizzard Man Doesn’t Do It”)

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18












13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test

Man…..Beck Bennett
Woman…..Vanessa Bayer

[ open on couple holding a pregnancy test in their hands ]

Man: Are you ready to find out?

Woman: I’m nervous.

Man: Don’t be! Everything’s going to be fine.

[ cut to couple in testimonial ]

Woman: Deciding to have a baby wasn’t a simple decision.

Man: And we didn’t want a pregnancy test that just gave us a simple “Yes” or “No.”

Woman: We wanted more information.

Man: And when it comes to giving information, there’s only one name we trust to give it to us constantly.

Woman: That’s why we use the new CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test. Its relentless breaking alerts let us know that it’s working hard to find out if we’re having a baby.

[ cut to Woman exiting bathroom with pregnancy test in her hands ]

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY UNDERWAY!

Woman V/O: As CNN slowly analyzes my urine, it updates me on its “Breaking News” screen.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY CONTINUES!

Man V/O: Because CNN believes that we deserve all the information they can find.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CNN MORE CONFIDENT THAN EVER THAT IT WILL SOON KNOW IF YOU’RE PREGNANT!

Man V/O: Even if that information is no information.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY ENTERS THIRD WEEK!

Why is this taking so long? It’s 2014!

Man: Honey, it’s not the stick’s fault, it’s telling you everything it knows.

Woman: I know. I’m not mad at the stick. It’s just — This was fun at first, but now it’s just: “WAIT, and tell me when you know!”

Man V/O: Breaking alerts, every ten minutes.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! 6 MILLION U.S. WOMEN GET PREGNANT EACH YEAR!

Woman: So?!

Man V/O: Daytime and nighttime.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!…

Woman: Oh, my God…

Man: [ groggy ] We’re having a baby…?

Woman: Nope. Oscar Pistorius took his legs off in court.

Woman V/O: And when CNN finally does make a discovery about a pregnancy —

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! PREGNANCY FOUND!!!

Woman: Pregnancy found!!

Man: YES!!

Woman V/O: I know it’ll be accurate —

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CANNOT CONFIRM PREGNANCY!

Woman V/O: 15% of the time.

Man: Great.

Woman: Great! Cool! Awesome! How great!

Man: Fine!

[ cut to product ]

Man V/O: The CNN Home Pregnancy Test.

Woman: For when you want to know, but they don’t know.

[ cut to Woman entering room with baby in her arms ]

Woman: Honey! I guess I was pregnant!

[ they hug ]

Together: Thanks, CNN!!

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!

Woman: Oh! And Ke$ha just took the dollar sign out of her name.

Man: Hmm.

Woman: Hmm.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Bvlgari



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21






13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Bvlgari

Brookie…..Vanessa Bayer
Friend…..Cecily Strong
Tweedle Dee…..Andy Samberg
Tweedle Dong…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Brookie and her friend ]

Brookie: Precision.

Friend: Timelessness.

Brookie: Grandiose.

Friend: Impeccable.

Together: The gorgeousest. Buvalgagi watches.

Friend: All the cosmopolitans of a Cosmo time piece.

Brookie: You’ll be the one watching your dreams come true.

Together: With Buvalgagi.

Brookie: Hi, we’re not porn stars anymore I’m Brookie.

Friend: Okay.

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love the elegnant of Italian-ass-man-ship.

Friend: Now that’s a spicy watch with Buvalgagi.

[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]

Tweedle Dee: Did someone say timeflies?

Brookie: Not yet, not yet.

Friend: Okay.

[ they exit ]

Brookie: Other watches are just rubber bands with arms. Adios muchachooch!

Friend: And good ribbons!

Brookie: Buvalgagi are like roll axes but they’re for fordable.

Friend: Avaibable in gold, silver or bronze.

Brookie: With a watch, you’ll never have to stop a stranger on the street to ask him, “Are you my dad?”

Friend: And Bvlgari are perfect for occasions like:

Brookie: Watches.

Friend: Puttin’ on the rats.

Brookie: Housefire.

Friend: Jumping out of a cake naked but you got trapped.

Brookie: And being a character witness for Donald Sterling.

Friend: I guarantee it! You’ll feel like you’re an Egyptian queen, like Cleomydia.

Brookie: And it’s waterproof up to 12 and a half inches, plus it comes complete with the, –what’s the thing that counts time but in reverse?

Friend: Cowgirl.

Brookie: Ah, no, a stop watch.

Friend: Alright, a stop watch.

[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]

Tweedle Dee: Did someone say time flies?

Brookie: No, not yet.

Tweedle Dee: Okay.

[ they exit ]

Together: With Bvlgari watches.

Friend: One time I got a watch for Christmas, Santa came down my chimney and saw those three other guys with Buvalgagis.

Brookie: One time I got banged in a garden at the height of allergy season. Good thing I take Claritin as birth control. Thanks, watches.

Friend: I got banged at a wedding and accidentally crashed into the cake. Then I won $3,000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos. Thanks for watching America.

Brookie: Hey, remember roller skates?

[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]

Tweedle Dee: Did someone say time flies?

[ they wander off ]

Brookie: Yeah, yeah…

Friend: Hey, where’d they go?

Brookie: Wait, you two go now. Go, go now.

[ they return ]

Tweedle Dee: ello, we’re former porn stars and formerly conjoined twins. I’m Tweedle-Dee.

Tweedle Dong: And I’m Tweedle-Dong.

Tweedle Dee: I’m the handsome one.

Tweedle Dong: And I’m the one that looks like the Lorax.

Tweedle Dee: We used to be conjoined at the chest and the penis.

Tweedle Dong: Then, during the filming of… Then, during the filming of “One Guy, Two Butts”, we were separated in the middle of a gang bang.

Tweedle Dee: I got the penis!

Tweedle Dong: I did not get the penis.

Tweedle Dee: But after that, we had to own TWO watches! That’s why we reach for…

Together: BMG RoyWatches!

Tweedle Dee: The watches that helps you remember the rainbow backwards. And they’re perfect whether you’re riding…

Tweedle Dong: Or you did not get the penis.

Brookie: No, no, no. Stay on track, we’re trying to do the ad and get free swatches from Buvalgagis.

Tweedle Dee: Oh, right, right, right, the scam. So get a Buvalgag ba ba… watch today.

Tweedle Dong: Coz everyone will respect you when you walk in the room wearing…

Brookie: Watches.

Friend: Anal Beads.

Tweedle Dee: With Buvalgagis!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Blue River Dog Food



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18










13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

Blue River Dog Food

Cindy…..Cecily Strong
Pat…..Seth Rogen

[ open on couple seated on couch ]

Cindy: Our animals? They’re like part of the family. [ to her dog ] Right, Peanut?

Pat: We have kids, too! [ he chuckles ]

Cindy: But the animals, we’ve had longer. And I want the best for them. That’s why we switched to… Blue River Dog Food.

Pat: Blue River NEVER skimps on ingredients, like our old dog food. I mean, look what our dog was eating before: [ he holds up old dog food bag ]

Cindy: [ reading ] “Ground yellow corn”? “Chicken byproduct meal”? I mean, did they really think we weren’t gonna look?

Pat: We did look, and now we know better.

Cindy: I know, but… the thing that gets me is, it’s, like… what kind of person thinks it’s okay to put a big drawing of a chicken on the front of the bag, and yet, there’s no chicken in there!

Pat: It’s okay, honey! [ he laughs nervously ] We’re using BLUE RIVER now!

Cindy: [ laughing maniacally ] Well, how is that okay, Pat? HOW?! ‘Cause… we fed that old GARBAGE to our DOG, Pat! You know?

Pat: I know. Are you… are you about to cry right now?

Cindy: Um… maybe! I don’t know!

Pat: It’s, it’s, it’s okay! We switched brands!

Cindy: It’s NOT okay, Pat! It’s like they think I’m DUMB!!

Pat: No, they don’t think we’re dumb, they just think we don’t care as much as we do!

Cindy: Ohhh, please! Give me a break, BIG NAME DOG FOOD!! You know, what OTHER compromises can we make?!! You want to have SEX with my husband?!! BEND OVER, Pat, they want to GET THAT ASS!!

Pat: No! I-I-I-I don’t think that’s what they want…! I think they’re just cutting corners on their dog food.

Cindy: “Cutting corners”?! There’s no CHICKEN, Pat!!

Pat: Th-th-th-there is some chicken! There’s just not that much chicken! There are trace amounts of chicken!

Cindy: Oh! Oh! “Trace amounts”! I’m sorry, I’m just INSANE!! That’s great! “Trace amounts”! Have you heard that, Peanut?! Have you tasted “trace amounts of chicken”?!

[ the dog remains silent ]

Pat: Look — I don’t know what you want me to DO, Cindy! Okay?!

Cindy: GET ANGRY, PAT!! YOU BE ON MY SIDE FOR ONCE!!

Pat: I AM ANGRY!!

Cindy: NO, YOU’RE NOT!! I have SEEN you angry!! You be a MAN, Pat!!

Pat: I AM BEING A MAN!! I’M BEING A MAN RIGHT NOW!! I DON’T APPRECIATE THAT!! I’M TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER!!

Cindy: HOW, Pat?!

Pat: WE SWITCHED BRANDS!! THREE WEEKS AGO!!

Cindy: [ crying ] IT’S NOT ENOUGH!! I WANT SOMEONE FROM THAT COMPANY TO COME HERE… AND LOOK MY DOG IN THE FACE AND SAY… “SORRY!!!”

[ the dog is pre-occupied with a chew toy ]

Cindy: AND SAY “SORRY” TO ME, AND THEN “SORRY” TO MY FAMILY… AND THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!! YOU CAN BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT, FOR ALL I CARE!!

Pat: Honey, Big Brand Dog Food is NOT gonna do that!

Cindy: [ clutching her temple ] I hate everyone on Earth…!! People are LIARS… and LOSERS!! [ she screams ]

Pat: SHUT UP!! YOU’RE UPSETTING THE DOG!!

[ the dog just stares at the camera ]

Cindy: Our DOG?!! Our dog is BRAIN DEAD from eating LITTER and CRAP DOG it’s WHOLE LIFE!!

Pat: I need you to calm down!! Okay?!!

[ she screams in his face ]

Pat: Just… walk around! Get some air! Okay?!

[ she walks to the back wall and stretches her arms to the ceiling ]

Cindy: I give up! I TOTALLY give up! You know? They win! There’s no fight left in me. Big Name Brand Dog Food, you won, okay? [ she returns to the couch and sits ] Take my dog, take my house… I’m done…!

Pat: Honey… we’re feeding the dog the GOOD STUFF now! We’re GOOD!!

Cindy: Are, are we? I want to believe that you care about me, but…

Pat: Honey… we bought BLUE RIVER DOG FOOD as SOON as we found out!!

Cindy: [ she shrugs ] Okay…

[ cut to product image ]

Announcer: They switched to Blue River. Real ingredients and real quality. Show your pet you care.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Camp Wicawabe, 1990



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21










13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Camp Wicawabe, 1990

Cambria…..Aidy Bryant
Piper…..Kate McKinnon
Joseph…..Kyle Mooney
Luann…..Cecily Strong
Jeremy…..Andy Samberg

Singing: “Swim in the water and jump in the tree, that’s what you do at Camp Wicawabe.”

Cambria: Hey guys, thanks for skipping tonight’s campfire and instead coming to our weekly round up. I’m Cambria and this is Piper.

Piper: Or as I hear dour counselors call us, Two Loud Little Turds.

Cambria: Yeah, we’re in the Cherokee bunk this summer because we are ten and so far it’s been great.

Piper: The only thing that sucks is we keep getting in trouble for no reason.

Cambria: Yeah, I got yelled at just for stealing a knife and carving “ass butt” into a tree.

Piper: And every time you get reprimanded you have to go to bed 15 minutes earlier. Yesterday, our bedtime was 2:15.

Cambria: Yeah, it was full bright out. It sucked. Um, well now it’s time for our first segment. Arts and crafts.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Arts and “cwafts”.

Cambria: That’s Joseph and he’s only six and here really he… he still wears a diaper.

Piper: The week on arts and crafts we put googly eyes on pine cones

Cambria: Yeah, I mean, I gotta say when the activity was first described to me I was not into it and then I got that first eyeball on there and I was laughing and having a blast.

Piper: Okay guys, we’re having a very special lunch tomorrow. Here to tell you what it is is the head of the cafeteria, Luann Buckman. Take it away, Luann.

Luann: Hamburgers!

Piper: Thank you, Luann.

Cambria: Luann, she has a car here and we don’t know where she goes at night.

Piper: But last year she kissed a camper so this year she’s not allowed to sleep at the camp.

Cambria: Okay, now it’s time for this week’s guest. He’s my older cousin…

Piper: And he’s fourteen and he is the coolest prankster in all of camp.

Cambria: Yeah, please welcome Jeremy.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Please welcome Jeremy.

Jeremy: ‘Sup Cambria, little one.

Piper: Hey.

Jeremy: Sorry if I look cooler than normal, I just tried my first cigarette. Didn’t affect me at all and I ate the whole thing.

Piper: Wow.

Cambria: Okay, so Jeremy, tell us about some of the wild pranks that you’ve done recently.

Jeremy: Okay, well, you know that big tree?

Cambria: Yes.

Jeremy: Yesterday I put my butt on it.

Piper: Oh, so gross.

Jeremy: Yeah, and last night I snuck out of my bunk and put my thing through the tennis court net.

Cambria: What thing?

Jeremy: Then today I put a pube on the tether ball. It was a pretty big deal because it was my only one.

Cambria: Wow. I gotta say, you’re working with a lot of stuff I’ve never even heard of.

Piper: Okay, now’s the part of the show called No Moms No Dads.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] No Moms, No Dads.

Cambria: This is where we brag about things that we’ve done because there’s no moms and no dads here. I haven’t eaten a single piece of fruit and no one’s keeping track so I’m not gonna do it.

Piper: I swallowed a bee. It flew into my Snapple and died and I drank it ’cause I’m bad to the bone.

Jeremy: Last week we found a condom in our bunk and all ten of us tried it on. Yeah. It didn’t fit anybody but it was fun.

Piper: Oh wow. I’m trying to enjoy these stories but I don’t have context for any of them.

Cambria: Yeah, okay now, let’s take a moment to remember the campers who’ve had to go home early this year.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Campers Who Had to Leave Early.

Cambria: Tiffany Waller Wostien. She can’t poop anywhere but her own house so her parents had to pick her up because she was full.

Piper: Bobby Vance. He killed a frog and the counselors found out it was on purpose because he really ripped it up and scattered it all around the camp. He left in a police van.

Jeremy: Brittany July. She got her period on a horse a freaked out.

Cambria: Well, okay, that’s all the time we have ’cause I gotta go to the waterfront and show Piper how to lift a big rock.

Jeremy: I put my butt on that rock.

Piper: Oh, so cool.

Jeremy: Right?

Cambria: Bye!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18




13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

Goodnights

…..Seth Rogen

Seth Rogen: Thank you to Ed Sheeran, Zooey Deschanel, James Franco, Taylor Swift! This has been a lot of fun! The cast, Lorne, everyone: Good night! Thank you, guys!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21




13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Goodnights

…..Andy Samberg

Andy Samberg: Thanks to St. Vincent, Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, Seth Meyers, Paul Rudd, Maya Rudolph, Martin Short, Kristen Wiig, 2 Chainz…. the cast, the crew, the writers, Lorne for giving me a career, my wife, my family, I love you all ,thank you so much, this has been incredible!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Monster Pals



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18


















13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

Monster Pals

Bartender…..Kenan Thompson
Jim…..Connor O’Malley/James Franco
Danny…..Mike O’Brien
Bully…..Seth Rogen
Patron…..Taran Killam

[ open on Clancy’s Bar ]

Bartender: Here you go, fellas. Hey — no trouble tonight. I know sometimes you monsters like to get a little rowdy. [ he gives one final stink-eye as he steps away ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Typical.

Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Yeah, what was that all about?

[ a Bully and his posse enter the bar ]

Bully: Hey! You dumb MONSTERS! [ to his buddies ] Watch this. [ to the monsters ] Yo! What’s UP, uglies? Nice… gross green skin! This guy’s got… He-Man’s HAIR! He doesn’t even have LIPS! Where’s this guy’s LIPS?! Just do me a favor, Monster: Don’t look in that mirror right there… ’cause you might BREAK IT! YOU UGLY MONSTER!

[ the Bully and his buddies laugh as they walk away ]

[ the monsters look glumly at their reflections in the mirror ]

Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] He’s right, Danny. We’re ugly! I’ve been thinking about getting the surgery.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Whoa… Heavy. I mean, whatever you gotta do. It’s just, if you get a surgery to look human… how will I tell you apart from the rest of them?

Jim: Hey, man… Even if I look human, inside I’ll always be… your buddy Jim.

[ they hug ]

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

[ Danny enters the bar, looking for Jim ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Is that you, Jim?

Patron: You’re looking for Jim? I’m not Jim, I’m Dave!

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sorry, my friend has this jacket.

Patron: Yeah, well a lot of people have this jacket, alright? [ Danny shirks away ] I hope you find him. You can’t just go grabbing people, man! You gotta watch that.

[ cut to footage of Danny randomly approaching unsuspecting New Yorkers and asking for Jim, scaring the shit out of most of them who don’t know what’s going on ]

[ Danny stops by a video store window and glimpses a scene from “Monsters University” ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] They took a lot of liberties on that one.

[ Danny chases a group of kids at Washington Square ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] There’s been a misunderstanding.

[ Danny sees a girl wearing a chicken mask ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sooooo… I actually work out quite a bit myself.

Girl: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Look, I have a boyfriend.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Alright. Alright. Forget it.

[ Danny appears in the outdoor crowd during “The Today Show” ]

[ Danny sits on a bench advertising the monster face reconstruction surgery by Dr. Wiencko ]

[ suddenly, Danny spots a familiar shape leaning along the pier ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Uh… Jim…?

Jim: [ smiling ] Danny!

[ they hug ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] You’re a hunk!

Jim: Aw, I feel GREAT! This surgery is AWESOME!

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] I’m really happy for you, Jim.

Jim: I don’t go by “Jim” any more. Now it’s… James.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Jaaaaaames.

Jim: James.

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

Jim: So how do you feel? You happy you did it?

Danny: I am, yeah — I feel good. I mean… I don’t love the nose they gave me, I might have that changed soon…

Jim: Yeah, I don’t know why you chose that face…

Danny: It’s just a little bit cheaper, and… hmm…

Jim: Oh, well.

Danny: Good to see you!

[ Danny wraps his monster hand around James’ shoulder ]

[ SUPER: “The End” ]

SNL Transcripts