SNL Transcripts: Miley Cyrus: 10/05/13: Kyle’s Office



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 2












13b: Miley Cyrus

Kyle’s Office

…..Kyle Mooney
…..Miley Cyrus
…..Beck Bennett
…..Bobby Moynihan

[ SUPER: “Last Night” ]

[ SUPER: “Kyle’s Office” ]

[ cut to scantily-clad Miley Cyrus setting up a point-of-view video camera ]

Miley Cyrus: Okay. Recording.

[ she removes her top and proceeds to make out with Kyle Mooney, as Beck Bennet and Bobby Moynihan suddenly burst into the office ]

Bobby Moynihan: Hey…

Kyle Mooney: Oh, no!!

Miley Cyrus: Oh, my God!

[ Kyle jumps up and slams the door ]

Beck Bennett: Miley Cyrus! This is crazy!

Kyle Mooney: [ coming out ] You guys gotta help me out! She wants to have sex with me in there!

Beck Bennett: Sounds great, Kyle! Get back in there!

Kyle Mooney: Why?! Do you have any idea freaky she’s willing to get?! Like, ANY position I want!

Bobby Moynihan: That is amazing, man!

Kyle Mooney: You think that’s amazing?

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah!

Kyle Mooney: We’re also BEST FRIENDS who love spending time with each other and we practically finish each other’s… [ he points his thumb to the door ]

Miley Cyrus: Sentences!

Beck Bennett: Okay. So what are you doing out here? Go in there and have SEX with her!

Kyle Mooney: Okay.

[ he opens the door to find Miley holding two bottles of water ]

Kyle Mooney: Oh, no… She’s about to pour water on her sexy clothes for a west t-shirt contest, and I’ve been named the HEAD JUDGE! Plus, she wanted me to ask if you guys want to be judges, but I’m like, “That’s SO much pressure to put on my friends!”

Beck Bennett: No, no, no, not at all… That is actually something that we would love to do.

Bobby Moynihan: We’d LOVE to do it! We love judging!

[ a note slides under the door ]

Beck Bennett: What’s that?

Kyle Mooney: She keeps trying to give me tickets to every concert.

Bobby Moynihan: She gave you tickets to all of her concerts?!

Kyle Mooney: No, all of THE concerts — of any music! It’s, like, I can’t go to most of them, so I have to give them to my friends, like, ALL THE TIME!!

Beck Bennett: Yeah, yeah, that’s great…

Bobby Moynihan: That’s something we would like.

[ Kyle scowls ]

Beck Bennett: Dude, what are you doing? You’re blowing your ONLY chance to have SEX with MILEY CYRUS!

[ Beck opens the door top reveal that Miley has rearranged the office ]

Miley Cyrus: I hope you don’t mind — I rearranged things a bit.

Kyle Mooney: Whoa! How’d you get all my favorite stuff in here? Is that my older brother?

Kyle’s Brother: Hey, bro! You want to play Catch? What’s up, Beck?

Beck Bennett: What’s up, Ricky?

Miley Cyrus: Kyle, what’s going on? Are we gonna have sex right now — and whenever you want for the rest of your life?

Kyle Mooney: I don’t know! I’m trying to figure it out! Please, like… BE RESPECTFUL! Honestly!

[ Kyle shuts the door ]

Kyle Mooney: Don’t you see what’s happening here?

Beck Bennett: Yes! The perfect girl is behind that door, waiting to do WHATEVER you want!

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah. What’s the problem, man?

Kyle Mooney: Oh! I don’t know! Maybe the fact that she’s, like, A HUNDRED YEARS OLD?!

Beck Bennett: What?

Bobby Moynihan: She’s, like, 20!

Kyle Mooney: I thought she was a hundred?

Beck Bennett: Yeah. How old do you think we are?

Kyle Mooney: 500 and 600?

Beck Bennett: What?! Does that make sense to you? Kyle, this is ridiculous! Just please go and have SEX with her!

Kyle Mooney: Okay. I’m gonna do it. [ he inhales and exhales ] Here goes nothing.

[ Kyle opens the door to find his brother having sex with Miley ]

[ he hangs his head and shuts the door ]

Kyle Mooney: She’s having sex with my older brother.

Beck Bennett: I’m sorry, Kyle…

Kyle Mooney: Miley Cyrus… [ excited ] is having SEX WITH MY OLDER BROTHER!! Dang, Ricky’s so lucky!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Miley Cyrus: 10/05/13: Morning, Miami



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 2








13b: Miley Cyrus

Morning, Miami

Producer…..Vanessa Bayer
Yolanda…..Miley Cyrus
B.F…..Bobby Moynihan
Jill…..Kate McKinnon

[ open on morning show studio ]

Producer: Okay, guys, we’re ready to shoot this week’s promos. Let’s get the talent in here. [ the co-anchors approach the news desk ] Morning, guys!

B.F.: Is it? Is it a good morning? Can we just get this over with, please?

Producer: Okay, we’ve got the prompter… and we’re rolling! In 3… 2…!

[ graphics appear on-screen ]

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Yolanda: Miami Monday is… Miami Fun Day!

B.F.: The incomparable TIKI BARBER is in the studio to talk about his new cookbook, and life in general!

Jill: And who makes the best curling iron? The answer might surprise you!

Yolanda: I’m Yolanda…

Jill: I’m Jill…

B.F.: And I’m B.F. Join us Monday, on…

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Producer: And… we’re clear!

[ the co-anchors slam their coffee mugs on the news desk and fume ]

Producer: Okay… Tuesday’s promo is up! And remember to say your FULL names this time! And we’re ready to roll ! In 3… 2… 1!

[ graphics appear on-screen ]

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Yolanda: This Tuesday is… Shoes Day, and we are pumping you full of pumps!

B.F.: Jeff Dunham’s PUPPETS are in the studio — Jeff dunham is not! And we’ll find out how funny those puppets really are!

Jill: Are ghosts real? Turns out, no! Here to talk about it, is actor Topher Grace!

Yolanda: I’m Yolanda…

Jill: I’m Jill…

B.F.: And I’m B.F. Join us Tuesday, on…

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Producer: And… we’re clear!

[ the co-anchors slam their coffee mugs on the news desk and fume; Jill digs in her nose ]

Producer: Okay, Wednesday’s up! And remember, guys — full names! 3… 2…!

[ graphics appear on-screen ]

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Yolanda: Get on your camel, or your significant other! Because it’s Hump Day!

Jill: Then: It’s a bird, it’s plane, it’s an… ugly rabbit? The worst-looking rabbits in the state of Florida are strutting their stuff in Tampa’s 23rd Annual Bummer Bunny contest!

B.F.: And the cast of the HIHESt-RATED cable show “Duck Dynasty” is here, to talk about how the duck call business is not all it’s quacked up to beak!

Yolanda: I’m Yolanda…

Jill: I’m Jill…

B.F.: And I’m B.F.! Join us Wednesday, on…

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Producer: And… we’re clear!

[ the co-anchors slam their coffee mugs on the news desk and fume; Jill digs in her nose ] [ Jill starts to sing to herself ]

B.F.: Oh, shut it!

Yolanda: Shut it!

B.F.: Shut it up!

Producer: Okay, guys. No show on Thursday, because it’s a leap week. So Friday’s promo is up! FULL NAMES! And we’re on! In 3… 2…!

[ graphics appear on-screen ]

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Yolanda: Friday is Rye Day! What can you put between two pieces of bread? The answer… may turn you on!

Jill: Then: He’s a helicopter, he’s a machine gun, he’s a bigot? Racist foley artist Bill Spinx is here to make soem funny sounds and some awful comments!

B.F.: He can throw a 90-mile-per-hour fast ball, but get this: He’s only ONE years old! Infant pitcher Danny Baker’s in the studio!

Yolanda: I’m Yolanda Natalie Portman…

Jill: I’m Jill Amockingbird…

B.F.: And I’m BITCH FANTASTIC! Join us Friday, on…

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts