SNL Transcripts: Miley Cyrus: 10/05/13: Miley Cyrus’ Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 2

13b: Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus’ Monologue

…..Miley Cyrus
…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Miley Cyrus!

Miley Cyrus: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It is SO great to be hosting “SNL”. In case anyone’s concerned, you should no there will be NO twerking tonight. I used to think twerking was cool, but… now that white people are doing it, it seems kind of lame. Now, I know a lot of you saw me perform recently at the VMA’s. And in ase anybody missed it, here is one of the more… low-key moments:

[ image: holding a foam finger down her crotch ]

Miley Cyrus: I got a lot of letters from… angry mothers… turned-on fathers… and, this is true, I actually got a complaint from the inventor of the giant foam finger. But, it’s okay. I gave him tickets to tonight’s show, soooo… We’re all good, right, Jeff?

[ in the audience, Jeff holds up a giant foam finger ]

Miley Cyrus: Now… I don’t apologize for my VMA performance. If I owe anybody an apology, it’s the people who make the bottom half of shirts. But… there are a few subjects we’re NOT gonna get into tonight. I’m not gonna do Hanna Montana, BUT — I can give you an update on what she’s been up to. She was murdered. And, also, we went back and forth on this, but, guys — I just don’t think we should do that wrecking ball sketch.

[ cut to a naked Bobby Moynihan sitting atop a wrecking ball ]

Bobby Moynihan: WHAT?!! Miley, come on! My mom is here!

Miley Cyrus: Sorry, Bobby! We’ve got a great show. I’m here. So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Miley Cyrus: 10/05/13: Poetry Class

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 2

13b: Miley Cyrus

Poetry Class

Teacher…..Mike O’Brien
Miss Meadows…..Vanessa Bayer
Student #1…..Brooks Wheelan
Student #2…..Jay Pharoah
Student #3…..Miley Cyrus
Student #4…..Aidy Bryant
Student #5…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on high school classroom, as the bell rings ]

Teacher: Alright, settle… settle… [ to two wayward students ] HEY!! [ they sit ] Alright, I hope you all remembered that your homework was to write some poems. And here’s a nice surprise: I won’t be teaching you today! Applause, applause. Yes, I have got a job interview — Thank Christ! Sooo… we’ve got a poetry specialist from the Newberry Writing Workshop — Say hello to Miss Meadows.

[ he opens the door to let her in, then makes his exit ]

Miss Meadows: Thank you! [ she stands in front of the room ] Thanks, you guys! Okay! Okay! Let me ask you a question. Okay? What do you guys think of… when you think of poetry? Okay. Boring. Right? Study? Huhhh? Homework? Huhhhh? Guess what? Poetry… can be pretty cool! Oh! In our class, you can write a poem about ANYTHING you want! Okay? You can write poems about… boys. Mmm-hmm? Your first kiss… uh-huh-huh! Slow-dancing — with a boy! Um-okayyy? [ she points to a student ] Hey, you! What’s something that you’d love to write about?

Student #1: Uhhhh… Grand Theft Auto, and, like… butts? [ he high-fives another student ]

Miss Meadows: Well, guess what? That’s awesome! OH! Guys! I was on the team once, too! Okay? Oh! I went out on the town! You know? Okay! [ she points to a student ] Hey, you! What did you do, this past Friday night?

Student #2: Who, me? Ohhh, I got paid, you know, to hollow out, you know, deli cigarettes.

Miss Meadows: Sure! Been there! Now, what about you? [ she points to another student ]

Student #3: I filmed a bunch of bugs eating a dead bird.

Miss Meadows: Okay, great. Let’s get into it! Okay! I’m going to read one of my FAVORITE poems! Okay? It’s called… “Winter Treat.” OH!! Okay, ooh! [ reading ] “Sticky sweet sugar… on my tongue.” Ehhhh? Ehhh? “And fluffy, white marshamllows… on my nose!” Uhhhh? “Can’t… wait for the next… cup!” OH! OKAY!! CAn you guys TASTE it?!! Alright? Now, who else… wrote… a poem?

Student #4: I did!

Miss Meadows: Okay, great! Get up here!

Student #4: Cool! [ she stands next to Miss Meadows ] Okay. This is called “The Yearbook Committee.” [ she reads ] “The Yearbook Committee can suck it! They are not good! Y’all wanna laugh at me just ’cause I had a nip-slip at a pep rally. Joke’s on you. That was just a BIG OL’ MOLE!” [ she sits ]

Miss Meadows: Okay! I feel like I was AT that pep rally! It was a great job! Okay, now let’s move on to Haiku! Okay! Now, what do you think of… when you think of a haiku? You know? Boring. Right? Nonsense. Okay? Too much work? Yeahhhh? But, guess what? Haikus can be… pretty fun! OH! Okay! Because they’re SHORT, first of all! They’re FIVE syllables, then SEVEN, then FIVE! Okay? And you might say… haikus… were the first… Tweets! OH! Okay, so who wrote… a haiku? [ a boy raises his hand ] Yes, you!

Student #5: [ he stands next to Miss Meadows ] Yeah, um… My haiku is called “Hey, Where’s My Weed At?!”

Miss Meadows: Great question!

Student #5: Yeah, right. [ he reads ] “Hey, where’s my weed at?! Ohhhh, y’all gonna be like that? Damn! Why y’all quiet?”

Miss Meadows: Intriguing! Yeah! And I’m curious to find out whether or not the main character finds his weed!

Student #5: Yeah, me, too!

Miss Meadows: Ehhh! Now, does anyone else have a poem?

[ Student #3 raises her hand ]

Miss Meadows: Oh! okay!

Student #3: [ stands next to Miss Meadows ] I, uh… I wrote this just now. It’s called “The Flower.” [ she reads ] “A flower bloomed in school today…”

Miss Meadows: Oh!

Student #3: [ caresses Miss Meadows’ hair ] “A blonde flower that made my heart stop.”

Miss Meadows: [ nervous ] Uhhhhh…

Student #3: “A flower bloomed in school today, who smelled like… herbal tea and cough drops.”

Miss Meadows: [ coughs into her hand ] Uh! Uh!

Student #3: [ inching closer ] “I used to be an angry weed, but now my love has bloomed.”

Miss Meadows: Uhhhh…

Student #3: “I used to think that I was straight… but maybe I’m gay for flowers.” [ she grabs Miss Meadows’ head and lunges forward for a kiss ]

Miss Meadows: [ horrified ] Oh! Oh! Oh! Ugh! Ugh!

[ the Teacher rushes in ]

Teacher: Is everything okay here?! I heard an Eugh?

Miss Meadows: Ugh! Ugh! Yeah! I was just finishing up, okay?! Ugh! Ugh! If you guys learned anything, it’s that… haiku and poetry can be, uh, PRETTY FUN! So… HA HA!! Okay! Uh! Uh! Eh! Eugh!

[ she rushes out of the classroom ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts