SNL Transcripts: Miley Cyrus: 10/05/13: Morning, Miami



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 2








13b: Miley Cyrus

Morning, Miami

Producer…..Vanessa Bayer
Yolanda…..Miley Cyrus
B.F…..Bobby Moynihan
Jill…..Kate McKinnon

[ open on morning show studio ]

Producer: Okay, guys, we’re ready to shoot this week’s promos. Let’s get the talent in here. [ the co-anchors approach the news desk ] Morning, guys!

B.F.: Is it? Is it a good morning? Can we just get this over with, please?

Producer: Okay, we’ve got the prompter… and we’re rolling! In 3… 2…!

[ graphics appear on-screen ]

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Yolanda: Miami Monday is… Miami Fun Day!

B.F.: The incomparable TIKI BARBER is in the studio to talk about his new cookbook, and life in general!

Jill: And who makes the best curling iron? The answer might surprise you!

Yolanda: I’m Yolanda…

Jill: I’m Jill…

B.F.: And I’m B.F. Join us Monday, on…

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Producer: And… we’re clear!

[ the co-anchors slam their coffee mugs on the news desk and fume ]

Producer: Okay… Tuesday’s promo is up! And remember to say your FULL names this time! And we’re ready to roll ! In 3… 2… 1!

[ graphics appear on-screen ]

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Yolanda: This Tuesday is… Shoes Day, and we are pumping you full of pumps!

B.F.: Jeff Dunham’s PUPPETS are in the studio — Jeff dunham is not! And we’ll find out how funny those puppets really are!

Jill: Are ghosts real? Turns out, no! Here to talk about it, is actor Topher Grace!

Yolanda: I’m Yolanda…

Jill: I’m Jill…

B.F.: And I’m B.F. Join us Tuesday, on…

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Producer: And… we’re clear!

[ the co-anchors slam their coffee mugs on the news desk and fume; Jill digs in her nose ]

Producer: Okay, Wednesday’s up! And remember, guys — full names! 3… 2…!

[ graphics appear on-screen ]

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Yolanda: Get on your camel, or your significant other! Because it’s Hump Day!

Jill: Then: It’s a bird, it’s plane, it’s an… ugly rabbit? The worst-looking rabbits in the state of Florida are strutting their stuff in Tampa’s 23rd Annual Bummer Bunny contest!

B.F.: And the cast of the HIHESt-RATED cable show “Duck Dynasty” is here, to talk about how the duck call business is not all it’s quacked up to beak!

Yolanda: I’m Yolanda…

Jill: I’m Jill…

B.F.: And I’m B.F.! Join us Wednesday, on…

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Producer: And… we’re clear!

[ the co-anchors slam their coffee mugs on the news desk and fume; Jill digs in her nose ] [ Jill starts to sing to herself ]

B.F.: Oh, shut it!

Yolanda: Shut it!

B.F.: Shut it up!

Producer: Okay, guys. No show on Thursday, because it’s a leap week. So Friday’s promo is up! FULL NAMES! And we’re on! In 3… 2…!

[ graphics appear on-screen ]

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

Yolanda: Friday is Rye Day! What can you put between two pieces of bread? The answer… may turn you on!

Jill: Then: He’s a helicopter, he’s a machine gun, he’s a bigot? Racist foley artist Bill Spinx is here to make soem funny sounds and some awful comments!

B.F.: He can throw a 90-mile-per-hour fast ball, but get this: He’s only ONE years old! Infant pitcher Danny Baker’s in the studio!

Yolanda: I’m Yolanda Natalie Portman…

Jill: I’m Jill Amockingbird…

B.F.: And I’m BITCH FANTASTIC! Join us Friday, on…

All: MORNING, MIAMI!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Miley Cyrus: 10/05/13: Miley Cyrus’ Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 2








13b: Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus’ Monologue

…..Miley Cyrus
…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Miley Cyrus!

Miley Cyrus: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It is SO great to be hosting “SNL”. In case anyone’s concerned, you should no there will be NO twerking tonight. I used to think twerking was cool, but… now that white people are doing it, it seems kind of lame. Now, I know a lot of you saw me perform recently at the VMA’s. And in ase anybody missed it, here is one of the more… low-key moments:

[ image: holding a foam finger down her crotch ]

Miley Cyrus: I got a lot of letters from… angry mothers… turned-on fathers… and, this is true, I actually got a complaint from the inventor of the giant foam finger. But, it’s okay. I gave him tickets to tonight’s show, soooo… We’re all good, right, Jeff?

[ in the audience, Jeff holds up a giant foam finger ]

Miley Cyrus: Now… I don’t apologize for my VMA performance. If I owe anybody an apology, it’s the people who make the bottom half of shirts. But… there are a few subjects we’re NOT gonna get into tonight. I’m not gonna do Hanna Montana, BUT — I can give you an update on what she’s been up to. She was murdered. And, also, we went back and forth on this, but, guys — I just don’t think we should do that wrecking ball sketch.

[ cut to a naked Bobby Moynihan sitting atop a wrecking ball ]

Bobby Moynihan: WHAT?!! Miley, come on! My mom is here!

Miley Cyrus: Sorry, Bobby! We’ve got a great show. I’m here. So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts