Whiskers R We with Amy Adams

Barbara Dudoo… Kate McKinnon

Ashley… Amy Adams

[Starts with Barbara and Ashley speaking for an ad.]

Barbara: Cat.

Ashley: A Cat is a treasure you hold with your heart.

Barbara: A Cat is a glass of champagne, but it’s a Cat.

Ashley: Cats have paws, claws and zero flaws.

Barbara: So come on down for a holiday cat giveaway, here at “Whiskers R’ We.” Hi, I’m Barbara Dudoo.

Ashley: And I’m Ashley, Barbara’s new girlfriend.

Barbara: Shh, cats don’t have to know our business.

Ashley: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: Lets meet some of our most eligible Cat-chlors, shall we?

[Barbara pulls up a kitten]

This is Harisa. She is a British short haired. So, she used the looter box.

[Barbara and Ashley laugh]

Cat puns are fun.

Ashley: You’re fun.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Moving right along. For those of you sex and the city fans [Barbara gets a big cat] we call her Samantha because she has a wicked sense of humor and she’s 55 years old.

Ashley: She’s going through mano-paws. P-A-W-S.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

Barbara: We call this cat, Cat-Steven. Because he has a beautiful voice and because he recently converted into hardcore Islam.

[Ashley caresses Barbara’s cleavage.]

Ashley: Oops, you got a little hair right there.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Don’t fuss with that. I’m wearing falsies for the commercial. Come on.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

This is Toby. Toby is a textbook narcissist. He’s incredibly manipulative and deceitful but I guess I’m the dummy for giving him power of attorney.

Ashley: Toby goes for long walks at night and he won’t tell us where he has been.

Barbara: Last night, he came home wearing a wrist band from an Adam Lambert concert.

[Barbara brings in another big cat]

Whoops! Bobo is out of this world. By which I mean he is maybe definitely an alien. We found him in a glowing pit in the ground. If you’re watching this on his planet, please come and get him. We’re running out of methane and that’s all he likes to breathe.

[Ashley starts touching Barbara’s breasts]

Ashley: He’s still fun to pet though.

Barbara: Ashley! I think you know where the cat ends and my boobs begin. Thank you very much. Oh, my goodness. [Barbara carries another kitten] This is Don.

Ashley: This cat thinks he’s people and I’m not sure he’s wrong.

Barbara: It’s something in the eyes. And in the way he looks at me in the eyes and says, “Help me, Barbara. My name is Donald Berk. I am not a cat, I am a man. I am a man!”

So come on down to our holiday cat giveaway weekend. With cat prices starting as low as we give you $twenty.

Ashley: Why won’t you say you love them?

Barbara: I wrote it down. What to you want? Come on down!

[Cut to Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We holiday cat giveaway. See you there.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Willie

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: It’s the holiday season. And I for one have not been feeling holiday spirit. Here with his thoughts on the holidays is the most positive guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Ay! Don’t you feel the spirit, Michael? It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Michael Che: I honestly don’t, Willie. It’s cold out. Everything is crowded.

Willie: Oh, but Michael, life is good. [Cut to Willie] And you gotta appreciate it coz like the doctors always say, “I don’t know what that is, Willie, but it’s spreading.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Your doctor said that? Are you okay?

Willie: Ay! I’m better than okay. I’m alright. [Cut to Willie] Sure, things aren’t perfect. Money is a little tight. But things can always be worse. It’s like my daddy always told me, “Son, things just got worse.” And you know, he was always right.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That sounds horrible, man!

Willie: Look, [Cut to Willie] I may not be the richest man, I may not have grown up with Hollywood luxuries, like limousines or matching shoes or kidneys, but it was like my pastor always says, “You can’t sleep here, Willie.”[Cut to Willie and Michael Che] [Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh, I am sorry, Willie.

Willie: Ay! The point is, Christmas is the best time of the year, Michael. [Cut to Willie] All of the bright lights are flashing. The bells ringing. The taste of a spoon holding your tongue. All the little children running around yelling, “Mama, I think old Willie is having an episode.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That really happened to you on Christmas?

Willie: It happens to all of us.

Michael Che: No, man! It doesn’t.

Willie: Well, you know what I think of Christmas? I think of my old dog Lucias. Boy did he love the snow. Last Christmas eve, [Cut to Willie] I took him off his lease so he can play in the snow. And he just ran and ran and ran and ran till I couldn’t see him anymore. But it’s like they always say, “You can forget about that dog, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Ay, you know what? I feel better man. You did it. You cured. You know what? [giving Willie some money] Take this too. Ay man, Merry Christmas.

Willie: [crying] Oh, man! This changes everything. A holiday miracle like this reminds me of an old saying.

Michael Che: What’s that?

Willie: “You gonna mess this money up too, Willie.”

Michael Che: Willie, everyone!

Willie: Merry Christmas.

Michael Che: Merry Christmas.