SNL Transcripts: Sarah Silverman: 10/04/14: Sarah Silverman’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 40: Episode 2











14b: Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5

Sarah Silverman’s Monologue

…..Sarah Silverman

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Sarah Silverman!

Sarah Silverman: Thank you so much! Wow… it is SO crazy to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” Um… [ she pauses ] I meean, is it really crazy? Everybody always says that it’s so crazy to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m a pretty big comedian… It kinda makes ALL the sense in the world!

Uh… tonight is the end of the Jewish holiday Yom Kippur, and, uh… [ a lone audience member claps ] Thank you…? [ she winces ] And I just want to take this opportunity to say to all the Hasidic Jews out there: I promise you, God will mind if you wear a nice cotten blend in the summer. You are being ridiculous!

Anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, um… I guess I’m know as a “blue” comedian, which is… I find that annoying, it kind of bothers me. I don’t think of myself that way. I think of myself more as a… as an IMPORTANT comedian. Anyway, because of this, uh, they had to censor a lot of my jokes after Dress Rehearsal. Like here’s what’s left of my favorite joke. Can we get a shot of Wally?

[ cut to Wally holding up a cue card with everything blacked out except for “Black Guy” and “God’s Mouth” ]

Yeah! Guys, it was such a cute joke! It was totally innocuous. I saw Lorne laughing REALLY hard at it during Dress, like almost too hard at it.

Screw it. Can I just, um… [ she looks around ] Is there like a handheld mike, or a…? [ a microphone is handed to her ] Oh! Thank you. Let’s get real! Come on! This is live television! Let’s go among the people! [ she approaches a young woman ] How are you? Can I sit in your lap? [ she sits in the woman’s lap ] Ohhhh… this feels nice! What is your name?

Lindsey: It’s Lindsey.

Sarah Silverman: It’s Lindsey?

Lindsey: Mmm-hmm.

Sarah Silverman: Oh, um, I’m Sarah.

Lindsey: Hi!

Sarah Silverman: You know that. Uh, Lindsey, I want to tell you something that’s really important: You’re beautiful… and you… deserve love… and… I hope that you are as kind to yourself as you are to any schmo on the street. Um… and I love you.

Lindsey: [ she chokes ] Thank you…!

Sarah Silverman: Your turn.

Lindsey: [ laughing ] You’re amazing?

Sarah Silverman: Aww.

Lindsey: And you’re beautiful.

Sarah Silverman: Awwwww!

Lindsey: And you’re smart! [ she laughs ]

Sarah Silverman: Keep going. Be creative.

Lindsey: [ laughing ] You’re my favorite.

Sarah Silverman: Awwwww! [ she pushes the microphone closer to Lindsey’s face ] You know what it is, Lindsey, it’s like… I get sad sometimes. Like, I feel like… it’s over… In terms of like I’m never gonna be carried again. You know what I mean? Like, we’re grown-ups. We’re not gonna, you know, fall asleep at our parents’ party and overhear adults going like: [ whispering ] “I got her.” “No, I’ll take her.” It’s never gonna happen again. Amd it makes me sad. It’s like, I want to be carried. I want to be… bathed and cared for. I want to get my hair shampooed, you know, like a… like a little child or a princess, or… a quadraplegic, I guess. Very similar lifestyles, very different circumstances. [ glancing down ] Am I sitting on your phone?

Lindsey: No. No, you’re good!

Sarah Silverman: [ grimaces ] Oh… I want to think of an app! Wouldn’t it be great to think of that million-dollar app? Let’s think of that million-dollar app! God… I was thinking, like an hour ago, wouldn’t it be great if you had an app that told you when all of your friends were taking a doody? I was pretty excited. I would pay ninety-nine cents for that. But then, somebody told me that they have that. It’s like… I think it’s called “Words With Friends”? How old are you?

Lindsey: 32.

Sarah Silverman: You are? Ohh, you’re 32! You’re only little, you don’t know nothin’. Here’s some advice: If you’re ever drunk at a party, and you throw up at a party… I feel like you can save the moment if you can muster like… a “Ta-daaa!” Alright, I guess I should go back to the stage. You keep this. [ she hands the microphone to Lindesey ] You can have that. You can have that!

[ Sarah returns to the stage, as the crowd applauds wildly ]

Sarah Silverman: Ohhh, God… this feels so right! I mean, it’s live. I could stay here. I love this stage. I mean, this is the first time I’ve hosted, but I have been on this stage before. I, um… I was like a featured performer on this show in the 90’s, and… I wasn’t in much, but a lot of times I’d mostly be, like, a “plant” in the audience, you know, asking fake questions to the host during the monologue, and, uh… [ she looks into the audience ] Yes, you — you have a question?

[ cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Rosie O’Donnell’s monologue ]

Young Sarah Silverman: I think you’re great! I love you!

Sarah Silverman: [ touched ] Awwwww! I love you MORE! Alright, you have a question for me, sweetie?

Young Sarah Silverman: Are you going to be doing any solo albums now that you’ve left Wilson Phillips?

Sarah Silverman: GREAT question! You know, um… I left Wilson Phillips because I felt it really wasn’t my thing any more, and, uh, I’m not sure about a solo album, though the album of my stand-up special “We Are Miracles” is out now. [ the audience applauds, as she looks into the audience again ] Oh — yes?

[ cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Jeff Golblum’s monologue ]

Young Sarah Silverman: Yeah, uh — What did you feed the dinosaurs?

Sarah Silverman: Uh… [ she laughs ] What is this, Pretty Girl in the Audience Night? It’s crazy! Um… of course, the stegosauruses are the worst, they only eat plants. But the T-Rexes are carnivores — they’d be more inclined to eat you, ’cause you’re delicious! Let’s take a… [ she points into the audience ] Yes, you, Sparkleface over here.

[ cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Nancy Kerrigan’s monologue ]

Young Sarah Silverman: Yeah, uh… what makes the human knee bend?

Sarah Silverman: Okay. Um… Well, the knee is technically a joint, where the tibia and femur meet. Right? And the bending of the joint is aided by two menisky. I hope that helps, and I hope you stay this curious and strong for the next twenty years. I have a feeling that you will. And maybe someday you’ll even get to say: “We have got a GREAT show for you tonight! ALL of Maroon 5 is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Sarah Silverman: 10/04/14: Joan Rivers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 40: Episode 2


















14b: Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5

Joan Rivers

Eartha Kitt…..Sasheer Zamata
Joan Rivers…..Sarah Silverman
Richard Pryor…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on a heavenly panel ]

Eartha Kitt: Ahhhhh, Hello, everyone! I’m Eartha Kitt! [ she meows like Catwoman ] We’ve just received word that one of the GREATS has joined us here on the celestial stage. Ladies and gentlemen of Heaven, please welcome… Miss Joan Rivers!

[ the other celebrities applaud as a fanfare welcomes Joan Rivers to the podium ]

Joan Rivers: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Heaven, are you serious?! Me in Heaven?! I guess I should be here, I’m practically a virgin! The last time someone was inside me, it was Melissa! Oh, Missy! You know what I’m talking about! My old friend Richard Pryor’s here, I can’t believe it!

Richard Pryor: Now, this lady don’t hold back for NOTHIN’! You know what I’m sayin’?

Joan Rivers: Richard, you could never keep it in your pants!

Richard Pryor: Hey, man…

Joan Rivers: I dont want to say Richard fooled around, but the longest relationship he ever had was with multiple sclerosis!

Richard Pryor: Aw, damn! All y’all gonna laugh at that, huh? Well, y’all can KISS MY ASS!!

Joan Rivers: So many incredible people here tonight! Even Steve Jobs, RIGHT HERE! [ Steve smiles and waves ] Incredible! Steve, I hope you’re forced to buy a newer, better casket every six months so you can see how WE feel! Am I right?! OH! Oh, please! So many beautiful people are here! Look! Ava Gardner! Can you believe it?! Ava, you look so young! Who did you go down on to get up here? Oh yeah, that’s right — EVERYONE![ Benjamin Franklin is cracking ]

Joan Rivers: Look at that! I’m KILLING with Ben Franklin!

Benjamin Franklin: [ gasping ] Oh, too much…!

Joan Rivers: Hey, Ben — Ben, where’d you get that outfit? Forever 1721? [ he cracks up ] He loves me! Listen, Ben — Something tells me that those bifocals aren’t the only thing BI about you!

Benjamin Franklin: [ cracking up ] I don’t know what that means!

Joan Rivers: Speaking of bi, I see you, Freddie Mercury! Look at this guy! He’s so skinny… with that huge moustache, he looks like a GAY BROOM!

Freddie Mercury: You’re wonderful, darling, wonderful! [ singing ] “Mamma miaaaaa!!”

Joan Rivers: When Freddie died, people were surprised he was gay. Are you SERIOUS?!! You’re so GAY, even your TEETH aren’t straight!

Benjamin Franklin: [ laughing uproariously ] I STILL don’t understand!

Joan Rivers: So many greats here! Lucille Ball, you’re a comedy legend!

Lucille Ball: [ waving ] I am!

Joan Rivers: That scene in the candy factory — wasn’t Lucy hilarious? With the chocolates, eating the chocolates. You stuffed more chocolates in your throat than the Kardashians! OHHHH!! Oh, GROW UP!! Grow up!!

[ Lucille Ball grimaces ]

Joan Rivers: Listen, people — Comedy is to make us laugh and to deal with things, so open the gates, let me in here! Let’s start this show! Thank you! You’re wonderful! Good night!

[ fanfare dissolves to obituary card with Joan Rivers’ photo, 1933-2014 ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts