Category: 2014

Whiskers R We with Amy Adams

Barbara Dudoo… Kate McKinnon

Ashley… Amy Adams

[Starts with Barbara and Ashley speaking for an ad.]

Barbara: Cat.

Ashley: A Cat is a treasure you hold with your heart.

Barbara: A Cat is a glass of champagne, but it’s a Cat.

Ashley: Cats have paws, claws and zero flaws.

Barbara: So come on down for a holiday cat giveaway, here at “Whiskers R’ We.” Hi, I’m Barbara Dudoo.

Ashley: And I’m Ashley, Barbara’s new girlfriend.

Barbara: Shh, cats don’t have to know our business.

Ashley: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: Lets meet some of our most eligible Cat-chlors, shall we?

[Barbara pulls up a kitten]

This is Harisa. She is a British short haired. So, she used the looter box.

[Barbara and Ashley laugh]

Cat puns are fun.

Ashley: You’re fun.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Moving right along. For those of you sex and the city fans [Barbara gets a big cat] we call her Samantha because she has a wicked sense of humor and she’s 55 years old.

Ashley: She’s going through mano-paws. P-A-W-S.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

Barbara: We call this cat, Cat-Steven. Because he has a beautiful voice and because he recently converted into hardcore Islam.

[Ashley caresses Barbara’s cleavage.]

Ashley: Oops, you got a little hair right there.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Don’t fuss with that. I’m wearing falsies for the commercial. Come on.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

This is Toby. Toby is a textbook narcissist. He’s incredibly manipulative and deceitful but I guess I’m the dummy for giving him power of attorney.

Ashley: Toby goes for long walks at night and he won’t tell us where he has been.

Barbara: Last night, he came home wearing a wrist band from an Adam Lambert concert.

[Barbara brings in another big cat]

Whoops! Bobo is out of this world. By which I mean he is maybe definitely an alien. We found him in a glowing pit in the ground. If you’re watching this on his planet, please come and get him. We’re running out of methane and that’s all he likes to breathe.

[Ashley starts touching Barbara’s breasts]

Ashley: He’s still fun to pet though.

Barbara: Ashley! I think you know where the cat ends and my boobs begin. Thank you very much. Oh, my goodness. [Barbara carries another kitten] This is Don.

Ashley: This cat thinks he’s people and I’m not sure he’s wrong.

Barbara: It’s something in the eyes. And in the way he looks at me in the eyes and says, “Help me, Barbara. My name is Donald Berk. I am not a cat, I am a man. I am a man!”

So come on down to our holiday cat giveaway weekend. With cat prices starting as low as we give you $twenty.

Ashley: Why won’t you say you love them?

Barbara: I wrote it down. What to you want? Come on down!

[Cut to Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We holiday cat giveaway. See you there.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Willie

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: It’s the holiday season. And I for one have not been feeling holiday spirit. Here with his thoughts on the holidays is the most positive guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Ay! Don’t you feel the spirit, Michael? It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Michael Che: I honestly don’t, Willie. It’s cold out. Everything is crowded.

Willie: Oh, but Michael, life is good. [Cut to Willie] And you gotta appreciate it coz like the doctors always say, “I don’t know what that is, Willie, but it’s spreading.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Your doctor said that? Are you okay?

Willie: Ay! I’m better than okay. I’m alright. [Cut to Willie] Sure, things aren’t perfect. Money is a little tight. But things can always be worse. It’s like my daddy always told me, “Son, things just got worse.” And you know, he was always right.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That sounds horrible, man!

Willie: Look, [Cut to Willie] I may not be the richest man, I may not have grown up with Hollywood luxuries, like limousines or matching shoes or kidneys, but it was like my pastor always says, “You can’t sleep here, Willie.”[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh, I am sorry, Willie.

Willie: Ay! The point is, Christmas is the best time of the year, Michael. [Cut to Willie] All of the bright lights are flashing. The bells ringing. The taste of a spoon holding your tongue. All the little children running around yelling, “Mama, I think old Willie is having an episode.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That really happened to you on Christmas?

Willie: It happens to all of us.

Michael Che: No, man! It doesn’t.

Willie: Well, you know what I think of Christmas? I think of my old dog Lucias. Boy did he love the snow. Last Christmas eve, [Cut to Willie] I took him off his lease so he can play in the snow. And he just ran and ran and ran and ran till I couldn’t see him anymore. But it’s like they always say, “You can forget about that dog, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Ay, you know what? I feel better man. You did it. You cured. You know what? [giving Willie some money] Take this too. Ay man, Merry Christmas.

Willie: [crying] Oh, man! This changes everything. A holiday miracle like this reminds me of an old saying.

Michael Che: What’s that?

Willie: “You gonna mess this money up too, Willie.”

Michael Che: Willie, everyone!

Willie: Merry Christmas.

Michael Che: Merry Christmas.

Weekend Update Kim Jong Un

Colin Jost

Kim Jong-Un… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s Christmas time and that means everyone is scrambling to find that perfect gift for that special someone. Here to comment is, oh no, the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Un.

[Bobby Moynihan slides in]

Bobby Moynihan: What’s up, America? Whooooo! It’s me, Kim Jong-Un.

Colin Jost: Oh, no, no, no, no. Bobby, I don’t think this is a good idea.

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan]

Bobby Moynihan: Who’s Bobby? [winks his eye] Seriously, Jost, it’s fine man. [Cut to Colin Jost and Bobby Moynihan] I’m not afraid. Okay, I got this.

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah.

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan]

Bobby Moynihan: Holiday shopping can be a pain. [There is a red laser target of gun on Bobby’s chest.] You know? The lines. The scrambling.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Bobby Moynihan]

Colin Jost: Um, Bobby. Um, there’s a–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] Don’t you mean supreme leader?

Colin Jost: No, no–

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan]

Bobby Moynihan: Christmas shopping can be a huge pain. [Now, there are a lot of lasers pointing at Bobby Moynihan’s chest.] It’s really just– [Bobby Moynihan notices the lasers.] Oh! Okay. Oh! Sorry. Maybe I’ll just get out of here.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Bobby Moynihan]

Colin Jost: Bobby Moynihan, every–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] Hey! Wow! Wow! Wow! I’m Seth Rogan. Seth Rogan, everybody.

Colin Jost: Seth Rogan, everybody.

Weekend Update Garth And Kat Sing Hanukkah Songs

Michael Che

Kat… Kristen Wiig

Garth… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Tonight marks the 5th night of Hanukkah and here to pitch us on their idea for great last minute Hanukkah gift, please welcome celebrated song writer, Garth and Kat.

[Kat and Garth slide in putting on make up.]

[cheers and applause]

Kat: I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

Garth: Sorry. So sorry about that. Yeah, it took me longer than usual to man-escape. So sorry.

Kat: And I was taking down our Christmas tree.

Michael Che: Wait, taking down? Christmas is a week away.

Kat: No, I wasn’t taking it down like that. I was taking it down like, ‘You suck, you don’t look right.’

Garth: Yeah, it deserved it.

Kat: It really did.

Michael Che: Okay, so I understand you have a brand new Hanukkah album.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: Yeap! We sure do.

Kat: We sure do, yeap!

Michael Che: Okay, well I’m really excited to hear some of your new Hanukkah songs. What’ the name of the album?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: The name of the album?

Kat: Oh, thanks for asking.

Garth: It’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Hanukkah is one of the only things that you’re assure to know. And don’t we all?”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you have actually written an album, right?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah!

Kat: Uh, yeah! And guess what? It rocks!

Garth: Yeah! It rocks… the Jews all night long. And here’s a song from my– this one’s called…

Kat and Garth: Simon’s dreidel.

Kat: Song is cool.

Garth: It’s pretty cool, I have to say. Ready?

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh-wo-oh-wop!
Oh-wo-oh-wop!
there he had an idea
an idea
an idea for everyone
and they told it as a secret
and they told it as a secret

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: [interrupting] Hang on, guys. That does not sound like a written song.

Kat: Sir, don’t sir.

Garth: Come on! Don’t do that.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Sir, we’re begging you.

Kat: We have sung that song for the past four months on our national tour.

Garth: Yeah! We were in Alan town.

Kat: Pennsylvania.

Garth: Pittsburgh.

Kat: Harrisburg.

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! I thought you said it was national tour. These all places are in Pennsylvania.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Well, we also do Hawaii.

Kat: Yes, we do one night in Hawaii and then one night in Pennsylvania, then we go back to Hawaii, then we go back… Urgh!

Garth: It’s exhausting.

Kat: But our next song is really good. I think you’re gonna like this one.

Garth: Yeah! This one’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! Can you say it again? What is it?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Garth: It’s just an old song. Here we go, ready?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh, there was a dreidel I saw in the snow
and the snow was in the pile
the snow was in the pile
pile of mud
pile of mud
dig through the mud and get it with a shovel–

Michael Che: Alright! [Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth] Stop! Stop! You clearly have not written anything. I don’t think there’s an album at all.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Oh, you don’t think so, huh? [Garth takes his CD out.] Well, I guess I’ll just show you this.

Kat: What’s that?

Garth: What do you call this?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: I call that the Hunger Games soundtrack. You guys gotta go.

Kat: No, please.

Garth: Come on! Please.

Kat: We came all the way from the creation museum.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah! Moses had a dinosaur, did you know that?

Kat: Did you know that?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you guys have ruined Hanukkah and you wasted my time. You have to go.

Garth: No, no. Please. [Cut to Kat and Garth] Please, we mean it. For real.

Kat: Yes. We have one song.

Garth: We prepared it and everything.

Kat: Yes, it has music. Yes. We’re ready to go.

Garth: It’s very funky.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: it’s called the…

Kat and Garth: Nora in the window.

Kat: Yeap. Here we go. Ready? Hit it.

[funky music playing]

[Kat and Garth start rocking their bodies.]

Kat and Garth: Hanukkah is just eight nights
but our joy will last all year

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, now this sounds like a real song.

[music stops]

Kat and Garth: And I saw my uncle
I had couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
and they celebrate, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate

Michael Che: Garth and Kat, everybody. [cheers and applause] For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Los Angeles map and condoms at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A federal appeals court has upheld the new law requiring porn actors to wear condoms. Supporters of the law say that the decision feels good, just not, you know, as good.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a robot hand at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The number of robots in the workplace has steadily increased in the past few years, including a machine that administers sedatives. The ‘machine is called ‘Cosby-tron 5000.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rio De Janeiro’s beach.]

Colin Jost: Scientists have found a drug resistance super bacteria in the waters where Rio De Janeiro’s Olympic sailing event will be held. The super bacteria is more commonly known as Kid Rock.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of ‘SERIAL’ podcast logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the popular NPR podcast serial finished it’s twelveth episode run. For much more on this story, talk to white people.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of 9 candles stand at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tuesday night marked the first night of Hanukkah, the Jewish celebration of how one word miraculously stretched into eight different spellings.

[Picture changes to Kathie Lee Gifford and Bill Cosby]

Kathie Lee Gifford revealed this week that in the late 1970s, while performing as a back up singer for Bill Cosby comedy tour, the comedian kissed her but she rejected him. More shockingly, that means she also rejected a glass of wine. Also, what the hell is a back up singer for Bill Cosby?

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of baseball cards piled up at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The creator of the modern baseball card died this week at the age of 91, when his mother threw them away without even asking.

[Picture changes to Bubba Watson]

Golfer Bubba Watson has released the Christmas rap featuring his character Bubba Claus. You can find it on the new compilation, [Picture changes to Colin Jost with his thumbs up] “Now that’s what Jost calls music.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Elton John and David Furnish.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that later this month, Elton John will marry his long time partner David Furnish. So, sorry ladies.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost and here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of US and Cuban flag.]

President Obama announced this week that the US will restore diplomatic relations with Cuba after more than 50 years. Which is great news for Cuba’s Chief Export, [Picture changes to Cubans crossing the border on a boat.] Cubans.

[Picture changes to a cover photo of movie “The Interview”.]

After threats from terrorists and a massive hack by the North Korean government, Sony Pictures has pulled the movie ‘The Interview’ from theaters. So, for the first time ever, [Picture changes to Seth Rogan’s high face.] a stoner was right to feel paranoid.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of cover photo of movie “The Interview”]

Michael Che: This week, Sony Pictures announced that it would not release the movie ‘The Interview’, drawing criticism for giving it to terrorist threats. Because studios of course are only supposed to give end to the threats of the actors… and directors… and producers and agents and focus groups and bloggers, theater chains, conservative groups, liberal groups and anyone with a damn twitter account.

[Picture changes to North Korean flag and FBI logo]

The FBI has confirmed that North Korea was behind the hacking of Sony Pictures. So, I want to take a moment to talk to North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un. Look, Kimberly, me and you, we’re not that different. We both take a lot of hit on the internet, we both love basketball and we both have black barbers apparently. And I get why you’re upset. You feel like the cool kids are making fun of you, but dying in a movie is a good thing. You know who else died in the movie? Bubba from Forest Gump. And his death influenced the chain of Shrimp restaurant. [Picture changes to a restaurant board that says, “Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.”] That could be you, man! That could be a 90 minute wait at Kim Jong-Un’s Times Square Grill. Which brings me to merchandising. And let me tell you something, Kimberly, your look would be a huge hit at lesbian weddings.

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

In a new interview, President Obama said that there is no black man his age who hasn’t been mistaken for valet at a restaurant. “Oh, come on! That was one time,” said Joe Biden.

Singing Sisters

Bartender… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Helen… Cecily Strong

Ileen… Kate McKinnon

Throbecca… Amy adams

[Starts with “A Magical Christmas” video bumper.]

[Cut to a bar. There is one bartenders and two customers at the bar booth.]

Bartender: Another round for you gentlemen?

Kyle: You know it. I gotta forget about a dang.

Bobby: Yeah, and I gotta forget about this haircut.

[Cut to three ladies walking in]

Helen: Well, it looks like your luck is picking up.

[Kyle turns around]

Kyle: Va-va-va-hoo!

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Hi, fellas! I am Helen.

Ileen: I am Ileen.

Throbecca: And I am Throbecca.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: That’s an interesting name.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Helen? Thanks, I chose it myself.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Um, okay.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: So, are you bellas gonna fuy us a drink?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Don’t you mean, “Are you fellas gonna buy us a drink?”

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Buy you a drink? Nice try mister. What do we look like?

Helen: Yeah, mister. What do we look like? Do we look the way we’re supposed to?

Ileen: Yeah, we wanna know how we look to you.\

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You look like three dangs that could use a drink. What could we get ya?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: I’ll tell ya. You pick them and make us guess what they are.

Throbecca: If we guess, we have to find the nastiest piece of garbage and chew on it.

Helen: But we don’t have to swallow it, just chew. Okay? Promise?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’ll buy you drinks but you don’t have to chew on garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Well, we will if we get it wrong. That’s the deal.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want you to do that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Yeah, right. You say that now, then cut to me guessing my drink wrong and then… I’m chewing on a trash.

Helen: But remember, we’re not swallowing it. Just chewing.

Ileen: Sometimes there’s dead mice in there.

Helen: Say, where are the trash cans in here for when the time comes?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’re not going to let you eat garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Ha-ha. You’re funny. Now, excuse us. We’ve got a song to sing.

[Cut to everybody]

Throbecca: Be right back.

[the ladies go to the stage.]

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Wow, what is with these dangs?

Kyle: That’s just how women flirt these days.

[music playing]

[Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the Dundy Sisters.

Ileen: Here we go.

Ladies: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

Helen: We’ll be right back.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Is that the whole show?

Kyle: They’re already done?

[Cut to everybody. The ladies walk to Kyle and Bobby]

Throbecca: Well, what do you think of that?

Helen: Did you know it was us up there?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: What did we look like?

Throbecca: We were moving, right?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: You looked great and here are your drinks.

[Cut to everybody. Kyle and Bobby are passing the ladies their drinks.]

Helen: Oh! Thank you. Time to guess. And don’t worry, I remember our deal. If I guess wrong, I get to yum yum garbage.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You get to?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: These are your rules, mister.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We didn’t make up any rules.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: And please distribute the garbage equally amongst us.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want to give you any garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Yeah, right! And don’t go anywhere. We have to do our next song.

[The ladies put their glasses on the bar booth and walk to the stage.]

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Are they really gonna chew on garbage?

Bobby: I don’t know. I think these girls are on something.

Kyle: She left her purse. Check it out.

Bobby: Alright.

[Bobby takes her purse and looks through it.]

Oh, yuck! It’s just filled with garbage in here.

Kyle: Oh, it stinks. What kind of dangs are these?

[Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.]

[music playing]

Ladies: [singing] It’s almost Christmas
the tings are really tinging
and bums are really bumming
for Christmas
where were you when Santa fell
ting ting ting

[the ladies ccme off the stage]

Ileen: Hey, where are you going?

Kyle: We’re out of here.

Bobby: Yeah, you dangs are a bunch of cuckoo birds.

[Kyle and Bobby leave]

Throbecca: Oh, look at that. Those bums took off.

[The ladies sit on the bar booth.]

Helen: This was not how this was supposed to go. What about our Christmas wish?

[midnight bell donging]

Bartender: Well, ladies, you hear that clock? I’m afraid you know the rules. Your Christmas wish is over. It’s time for you three to turn back into raccoons.

Throbecca: But we only got half our wish.

Ileen: We wanted to be singers and kiss on a man.

Bartender: Ha-ha. Well, maybe next year. Merry Christmas you raccoons.

[Bartender throws a spell on the ladies and they turn into raccoons.]

[the raccoons singing]

Raccoons: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

[cheers and applause]

Serial The Christmas Surprise

Sarah Kinik… Cecily Strong

Jennifer… Amy Adams

Chris… Kyle Mooney

David… Kenan Thompson

Dana… Kate McKinnon

Jingle… Jay Phroah

Adina Hernandez… Aidy Bryang

[Starts with clips of recording studio]

[Cut to Sarah Kinik getting near the mic]

Sarah Kinik narrating: I want you to think about things you can’t see. Rotation of the planets. Electricity. Gravity. Because we only see the results and not the process, should we come to the conclusion that it doesn’t exist? I’m Sarah Kinik. On December 25th 1999, a small boy awoken ball to our Maryland. [Cut to and old video of a boy opening his Christmas gifts] He went down to his living room and found a NERF End Strike Mega Magnus Blaster. It’s mouthful, I know, that’s the toy you want it. Toy had no tag, no receipt. As if it appeared out of thin air. The boy maintained the toy had been brought by magic by a mysterious man named Chris. But I had to ask myself, could Christ really had done this? And if so, how?

[Cut to SERIAL: One Story Told Week by Week video bumper.]

[Cut to Jennifer speaking like in documentaries.]

Jennifer: Toys just appear at our house. Not just this year. Every year.

Interviewer: And you’re not buying them?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: That’s Jennifer, the boy’s mother.

[Cut to video of Sarah Kinik visiting Jennifer’s house.]

She’s actually the one who contacted me about this story. She sides with her son saying that she wasn’t responsible for the gift. Like, Chris did it. That he snuck into her house in the middle of the night and just left things. She said she even has proof.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and Jennifer in front of the chimney]

Jennifer: I left the cookies. And when I woke up, they were gone.

Sarah Kinik: And nobody followed up with you on this?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: For the past year, I’ve been talking to Chris. [Cut to Chris making toys] A thousand year old toy maker who lives up north. It should be noted that Chris is part of the population who identify themselves as Elves. Their minority in the United States often looked shifty, secretive. But I’ll get to that later. Chris says that he not only left the toy for the boy in Baltimore, but he leaves millions of toys for kids around the world. And he does it one night. I know, shocking, right?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] You know, it’s like, you said you hit every house. I mean, you understand that’s hard for people to swallow, you know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] Look, I don’t know how it works, you know? You’re either going to believe in me or not, but I know it’s real. Okay?

Sarah Kinik narrating: Christ would get like this sometimes about the more unbelievable parts of the story. But I guess he was right. How do you explain these things?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] It’s just, you said you hit every town. Like, you understand, that’s hard for people to swallow, right? You know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] And I understand that. I get that, you know. But for me, when it comes down to, is like, Christmas magic. You know what I mean? I don’t know what else to say. I just don’t know what to say, you know?

Sarah Kinik narrating: I had to follow up on this. It just seemed so outlandish. [Cut to Sarah Kinik meeting David] So, I called my friend David who has been delivering packages for 12 years. The same kind of packages Chris would have been delivering.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and David]

Sarah Kinik: What would the timeline be for someone to deliver a series of presents throughout the world. Is that even possible?

[Cut to David]

David: Nah! I don’t think so.

Sarah Kinik narrating: I should mention that David works for UPS, which would be in direct competition with Chris.

David: No, I’ve never seen anything like that.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

David: If he says he can do it, he is lying.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, we attempted it.

[Cut to Dana and Sarah Kinik building a sleigh out of card boards.]

My producer Dana and I built a sleigh. We couldn’t get reindeer so we got a small horse. Needless to say it went badly. Horse wouldn’t even fly.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] We tried this. We didn’t even get close, you know?

Chris: But you didn’t have my reindeer! You know what I’m saying? Like, magic reindeer only know where I’m at. Yo, regular people can’t just make a reindeer fly. You know what I’m saying?

Sarah Kinik: Yeah.

Sarah Kinik narrating: This is my biggest problem with Chris’s story. I understand hitting one town overnight. Maybe two. But every town in the world just didn’t seem right. That brings us to Jingle. [Cut to Jingle] Jingle’s an elf who claims he was with Chris on December 25th, 1999. He says they drove around, got high, hung out. That’s it. No presents, no flying. Jingle was the prosecution star witness in a trial against Chris on 24th street a few years ago. Here’s a recording of defense attorney Adina Hernandez cross examining Jingle back then.

Adina Hernandez: Now, Jingle. Did you tell the other elves on March 14th that Chris was magic?

Jingle: No, Ma’am, I did not.

Adina Hernandez: You never? Not once?

Jingle: No, Ma’am.

Adina Hernandez: Whaaaaaat?

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, if Jingle didn’t see Chris leave the present, did anyone? Maybe there are people out there who claim they’ve seen Chris leave lots of presents. Maybe they’ve written in letters. Maybe they’ve sat on his lap. And then there’s the Nisha call. Next time on SERIAL.

[Cut to Dana]

Dana: So, it’s mail kim? (MailChimp)

Sarah Kinik: what?

 

Sam Smith Dr. Evil Cold Open

Sam Smith… Taran Killam

Dr. Evil… Mike Myers

[Starts with ‘Very Somber Christmas’ intro]

Male voice: Live from the north of England, its a very somber Christmas with your host Sam Smith.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to 1 standing. There are Christmas decorations behind him.]

Sam Smith: [singing] Stay with me,

like a Christmas tree

star goes on top it’s clear to see

darling, stay with me

Hello, I’m Sam Smith. Christmas is about spending time with the ones you love, which is why I’m alone. I’m so very happy that–

[the video gets disrupted]

[Cut to 2 sitting on his chair caressing his cat.]

[cheers and applause]

Dr. Evil: Hello.

[cheers and applause]

Hello, I’m Dr. Evil. I’ve preempted this program because I’m furious that North Korea and Sony Pictures have both given evil organizations a bad name.

[He puts down his cat]

I mean, what the F, people? It’s just so pathetic to see you two fight over a silly comedy. It’s like watching two bald men fight over a comb. Who cares? Sony, North Korea, it’s time to get a trapper keeper and some loose leaf, coz I’m about to take you to school. Let’s start with you, North Korea. You’re one of the most evil countries in the world and your act of war is to kill a movie? It’s easy to kill a movie. Just move it to January. Look, I know Kim Jong Un. We went on a Viking river cruise together. I recommend it. It’s breath taking. Let me put it this way. Kim’s not with it. He still watches laser discs.

But, back to the hackers. First of all, the name. Well, you guys were just sitting around and pitching it was one guy like, “I’ve got an idea. Let’s call ourselves the Guardians of Peace, or the GOP. Hello! Way to go, A-holes! There’s already a GOP. And they’re already an evil organization.

[applause]

What are you gonna do next, GOP? Ask for $1 million. Been there, done that. Smoked it. Humped it. Called it an Uber. Still, I suppose you have to give credit to the North Koreans. I haven’t seen balls like that in Pyongyang since Dennis Rodman changed into his shorty shorts. But why pick on Sony? They haven’t had a hit since the Walkman.

Come on, Sony. You thought it was joke to have James Franco assassinate Kim Jong Un. The man single handedly almost killed the Oscars. Think! Think!

Look, I saw the interview. It was charming. But if you really want to put a bomb on a theater, do what I did. Put in the love guru.

And finally, I have one last thing to say. Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[cheers and applause]