Fred Armisen[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: US intelligence officials now believe that Vladimir Putin personally oversaw the cyber attack on the democrats before the election. Here to defend them are Vladimir Putin’s best friends from growing up.[Michael Che and Fred slide in]
Vanessa: Thank you.
Michael Che: So, Putin hacked into our electoral system, and that’s got to be a new low in diplomacy. But you guys are best friends with him?
Fred: Oh, he is the best.
Vanessa: Yeah, we love him. He’s like, a great leader.[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]
Fred: He has been leading for a long time. He’s focused, He’s disciplined.
Vanessa: Yeah, he’s such a hard worker. [soft voice] I will say he can be pretty petty. Okay, so he has this holiday party and on the invite, it says in bold letter, it says, “No gifts please.” So we show up and he goes, “Arriving empty handed, are we?” “You said no gifts!”
Fred: [soft voice] So, like, he points to us, right? With his thumb. And he rolls his eyes. Right? He turns to the room and he goes, “These cheapskates are here, hide your purses.”
Vanessa: [soft voice] first of all, that not only implies that we are cheap, but that we steal?
Fred: [soft voice] It said on the invitation not to bring anything.[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]
Michael Che: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having a hard to hearing you guys. I mean, are you saying that he turns on people?
Vanessa: [normal voice] No, no, no. We love him. He’s like, our best friend. He’s so unique.[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]
Fred: Like, he loves retro things. He collects fun vintage sodas. He’s like a nerd.
Vanessa: He’s such a nerd about it.
Fred: I will say [soft voice] he is very weird about money and then he keeps saying he’s not weird about money. So I’m like, “Why are you bringing it up?” So, walking to the party, okay.
Vanessa: [soft voice] Okay, first thing, he goes, “Hey, can you guys play some music? Because I dind’t want to shell out money for a DJ.” We go, “What?”
Fred: [soft voice] So… why are we working at your party?
Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah, you’re gonna make us work at your party?
Fred: [soft voice] Like, Russia can get you a DJ, you know?
Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah.
Fred: [soft voice] So he comes around, he’s like, “Okay, hey everyone.” Goes out and comes back and, “We got a t-shirt for everyone. Merry Christmas.”
Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re like flimsy.
Fred: [soft voice] And like itchy.
Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re all the same size. So I got up to him and say, “Can I have a smaller size?” And he goes, “No, it was cheaper just to order all size larges.”
Fred: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president of a major nation.
Vanessa: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president.
Fred: [soft voice] Get different sizes!
Vanessa: [soft voice] Splurge. And he says, “Sorry it doesn’t fit. Maybe you can put it over your face when you go on a date.”
Fred: [soft voice] What is your problem?
Vanessa: [soft voice] You’re gonna invited us and then you’re gonna insult us? What?[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]
Michael Che: Alright, wait. First off, you’ve got to speak up. Please. I can’t hear. Also, do you understand how serious these accusations against Putin are? I mean he’s literally threatening the American political system.
Fred: [normal voice] I mean, honestly, he’s very dedicated, He’s strong, He’s brave. And Michael, he’s a fan of you.
Vanessa: He loves you.
Fred: He loves you.
Vanessa: He really says such nice things about you.[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]
Fred: [soft voice] So, we go to the party. And we just say, “You know what? We’re going to head out.” Let me take off.
Vanessa: [soft voice] He goes, “You guys had a problem with me as soon as you walked in here. You didn’t ask me how my day was.”
Fred: [soft voice] “I have been dealing with all the hacking stuff, and Siberia is so cold.”
Vanessa: [soft voice] “So cold.”[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]
Michael Che: Okay. I can barely hear you. But it sounds like you don’t actually like Putin.
Fred: [normal voice] No, it’s just that it’s very complicated.
Vanessa: It’s kind of like how you feel about Colin Jost.
Michael Che: Oh, no, no, no, no. I love Colin. [soft voice] I will say that [starts whispering with Vanessa and Fred]
Vanessa and Fred: Michael Che, everyone!