Weekend Update: Omarosa Manigault Newman

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Omarosa Manigault Newman… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Michael che. There’s a picture of Omarosa Manigault Newman at right top corner.]

Michael che: It was announced that Omarosa Manigault Newman was fired from her White House job, whatever the hell that was. My guess is secretary of the sunken place. But Omarosa’s firing did prompt this outcry of support from black women.

[Cut to video clips of black women in TV news not being supportive to Omarosa Manigault Newman] [Cut to Michael che]

Michael che: Man, when you get a bye from Robin Roberts, you know you suck.

[Omarosa Manigault Newman walks in]

Omarosa: Uh-uh! That is not accurate.

Michael che: Oh my! Omarosa? You’re still here?

Omarosa: Yes, Michael Che. And I demand a retraction. I left that job by choice.

Michael che: So you weren’t fired and forcefully removed from the White House?

Omarosa: That’s right. I quit.

Michael che: Okay.

Omarosa: I deactivated my ID card. I changed the locks on my own office. I escorted myself off the premises. And then, I threw myself into the bushes.

Michael che: Oh, is that so? Really?

Omarosa: Uh-huh.

[Security walks in]

Security: Let’s go, ma’am.

Omarosa: You can’t throw me out because I quit!

Michael che: You quit what? You don’t work here.

[The security is holding Omarosa’s arm.]

Omarosa: [to the security] Yeah, you better take my arm because I’m escorting you out of the building. And you better throw me into the Christmas tree.

Michael che: Omarosa Manigault Newman, everybody. Thank you. Unbelievable.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Burger King logo and police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] She wants to get thrown into the Christmas tree. Okay. Police in Illinois arrested a man for drunk driving after he crashed his car into a ditch and told officers that his name was Burger King. Police then took out their tasers and had it their way.

Weekend Update on Doug Jones Defeating Roy Moore

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey everyone. Merry Christmas.

Michael che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Doug Jones and Roy Moore at left top corner.]

Well, congratulations to Alabama’s newest senator, not Roy Moore. [cheers and applause] That’s literally what’s it’s gonna say on his name plate. [Picture changes to Doug Jones on his desk with the name plate ‘Sen. Not Roy Moore’.] Doug Jones has become the first democrat to win a senate seat in Alabama in over 20 years. Said Roy Moore, “Gross. Over 20 years?”

After Jones’s victory, president Trump tweeted, “Congratulations to Doug Jones. The people of Alabama are great and the republicans will have another shot. It never ends!” That’s it? You just went all in for an accused paedophile and when he lost, Trump’s just like, “Well, we had fun. Good game, guys.” Like nothing happened. He could be removed from office tonight and tomorrow he’d tweet, “Congrats to Robert Mueller on a great investigation. Had a fun time being president. Catch you on the flippity-flop! #DietCokeTime”

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of Doug Jones and Roy Moore at right top corner.]

Michael che: Flippity-flop? On Tuesday, we saw exactly why republicans try to keep black people from voting. 98% of black women voted for Doug Jones bringing the total number of black women who voted for Roy Moore to just Sheryl. Dammit, Sheryl.

Democratic national committee chairman Tom Perez tweeted, “#BlackWomen led us to victory… and we can’t take that for granted.” Um, but I bet you will. And you know why? It’s because democrats know that black people aren’t really democrats. We just vote fo the guy that looks less likely to put us on a boat. Here’s how I vote. I look at both candidates. I listen to them speak. And then I ask myself, “If I got pulled over, which one of these candidates would I rather see approaching my car?” And it’s almost always not the one on a horse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of nine senators at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Nine senators this week have called on President Trump to resign from office over the allegations of sexual assault. The problem is, you’re never gonna shame president grab ass out of office. Shame for Trump is like spinach for Popeye. It only makes him stronger. Specially with inappropriate sex stuff coz he has already openly bragged about it. He didn’t go on Howard’s turn 37 times to talk about real estate. All I’m saying is it’s hard to assassinate a guy’s character when his character already committed suicide 40 years ago.

[Cut to Michael che. There are pictures of nine senators at right top corner.]

Michael che: I actually think president Trump should at least consider resigning. I mean, you’ve made your point already, dude. The political system is broken and probably rigged and any idiot that understands television could mobilize the angriest people in the country with lies and insults, and still somehow be more like-able than Hillary Clinton. Point taken. We learned our lesson. What else is there? If this was a Christmas movie, this could be the part where you winked at the camera and disappeared and then we realized that you lived inside of us the whole time.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of 75th Golden Globe Awards at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There were no female directors nominated for a Golden Globe this year. It’s a snob women in Hollywood are calling “The least of our problems.” [Picture changes to the people in Hollywood industry accused of sexual assault allegations.]

Office Phone Call

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Doug… Kevin Hart

Lao… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

[Starts with offie staff having a meeting]

Cecily: And as you can see, our third quarter revenue was down almost 5% but our online sales in the past few weeks suggest a lot of upside. Any thoughts?

[Kate raising hand]

Kate: Yeah. Yeah. I just want to say I think there’s a huge opportunity to expand further into the biotech sector. That’s where we’ve seen the biggest growth.

[Doug interrupting. He is holding his phone.]

Doug: [on the phone] Hello? What? What is that? Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Okay. Are you serious? Are you se– Oh, my god! How’s home? Alright. I’ll– I’ll be right there. Oh, my god! Okay. Alright, I’m coming now. [Doug stands] Oh, my god. Guys, I’m so sorry. Something just came up. I gotta run. Yeah. I’ll be back as soon as I can.

Cecily: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Um, yeah.

Cecily: Doug, it’s okay.

Doug: What is?

Cecily: Doug, you don’t have to keep doing this. You can just use the bathroom.

Doug: Excuse me?

Kate: Doug, every time we have a meeting after lunch, you loudly take a phone call and you fake some kind of emergency. It’s clearly coz you have to use the bathroom.

Lao: Yeah. It always sounds like a family emergency, but then you’re back in like, 8 minutes.

Doug: Oh. Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my family emergencies only take 8 minutes. You know what? I guess next time I’ll tell my family to be in more trouble, Lao.

Cecily: Doug. Just go to the bathroom.

Doug: No. No. No. Because I don’t have to go to the bathroom. No. You know what? I had to deal with something urgent regarding the loved one, but forget it. Work is more important. They can just suffer. Please continue.

Cecily: Okay. Fine. Anyone else wanna weigh in on the biotech side?

[Doug is biting his fingers having a hard time not going to the toilet. He is making funny faces.]

Beck: Yeah. I get that we’ve made huge strides in biotech, but most of that comes from a single patent that expires in two years. And two other points, we have very little cash to invest.

Doug: [squeaky voice] Ahhh!

Beck: And the overhead for the laboratory is much higher.

[Doug is banging the table.]

Cecily: Doug, you disagree?

Doug: Uh-huh.

Cecily: Lao, thoughts?

Lao: I don’t know. I still think pharmaceuticals are bread and butter. So… [Doug is stomping his feet and making noises. Lao looks at Doug.] I mean, I don’t know–

Doug: [Doug acts like he’s on the phone again.][interrupting] What’s that? What? Oh, my god! You tell me it’s more urgent now? Yeah. But I can’t. I can’t just leave work. Okay? I don’t care how many stairs you fell down, Nana.

Cecily: Doug.

Doug: Stop! Stop! What’s that? What? You think. You think you can just meet me at work on the 5th floor where where it’s totally empty but the bathroom still works? Okay. Alright, hang in there, Nana. [Doug puts down the phone] Guys, I just got a call.

Lao: Okay. We know you got a call.

Doug: Yeah. You know what? My Nana is really sick.

Leslie: You said she fell down the stairs.

Doug: Yeah. And she’s sick of it. She’s sick of falling down the stairs.

Cecily: Doug. Doug, just go to the bathroom.

Doug: I’m sorry, what? What did you say?

Kate: Doug, just go to the bathroom. You’re visibly sweating, Doug.

Doug: You know what? I resent these accusations. I really do. If you don’t believe that my Nana needs me very urgently in the 5th floor bathroom so we can have ourselves a private family conversation for about 8 to fifteen minutes, then forget it. Forget it. I’ll stay. You win. Please. Proceed. [Doug takes the seat, and when he does, he farts loudly.]

Cecily: Um, hey Doug.

[Doug is all sweating.]

Doug: Yeah.

Cecily: Doug. Um, did you just S your Ps?

Doug: Probably not.

Kate: Oh, Doug, Doug.

Lao: [loudly] Ring, right. [Lao takes his phone] Oh, hey, Doug, it’s for you, man. It’s your Nana.

Doug: It’s Nana?

[Lao nods his head yes]

Kate: [also holding her phone] Yeah. Doug, she called me too. She said it’s emergency

Doug: An emergency?

Beck: [Beck is just putting his hand on his ear]Yeah. She said to meet her on the 5th floor bathroom. And there’s a shower there too. Just FYI.

Leslie: [Leslie is also just putting her hand on her ear] And she also said to tell you that a J. Crew is in the lobby, so underwear.

Doug: Oh, man. I mean, it’s weird that she would even say all that, but okay. Uh, if you’ll excuse me, I better go deal with this for my Nana. Excuse me.

[Doug takes one step at a time to move to the door and out.]

Cecily: He’s in the elevator. Okay. I think we can continue now.

[Lao puts the phone to his ear]

Lao: Hello? Oh, my god, Nana?

Leslie: Just go to the bathroom, Lao.

Nativity Play

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Terry… Heidi Gardner

Carey… Cecily Strong

Wise men… Kyle Mooney, Mikey Day, Kevin Hart

Mary… Kate McKinnon

Joseph… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Aidy announcing on a stage]

Aidy: Hello and welcome to Rock Harbor’s annual Christmas eve service. In a few moments, Pastor Brandon will give another legendary Christmas sermon and it’s a crusher.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: [in loud voice] Oh, I hope it’s about Christmas.

Leslie: Stop.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Cut first, our team ministry will present it’s annual Nativity play. Now, I know that the whole town has been buzzing since we promised that there would be a live camel in our show. But it turns out camels are a bit costly. So, the role of the wise men’s camel will be played by a lhama with a beanbag hump. And the llama’s handler has a brief announcement.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: Hi, folks. Hi, I’m Terry from Mayfair Llama Ranch. The Llama’s roddy right now which means it’s mating season. And basically males get territorial and aggressive. So, I’ve given the wise men the protective wear.

Aidy: Right.

Terry: I also gave them lettuce for treats.

Aidy: Great!

Terry: Oh. And you may hear the term “Jaahi”, that’s a command which basically means, “Easy boy.” Thank you.

[Terry leaves]

Aidy: Okay. Well, I’m sure you won’t notice any of that. Now, I’d like to welcome our narrator Carey who is our lead teen minister to the stage.

[Carey walks in. Aidy walks out.]

Carey: The Nativity. [speaking in hurry] We take you now to the desert of Judah where three wise men followed the north star of Bethlehem.

[Carey walks out] [The stage curtain opens. There are three wise men with a llama. The actors are scared of the llama.]

Kyle: God has told us to travel to Bethlehem to greet the arrival of king of kings. [llama moves] Jaahi. Sorry, I thought he was going to kick me again. Jaahi. We shall travel there on this majestic camel.

Mikey: Jaahi. Um, I shall brush our camel’s coat [Mikey has a brush in his one hand. But he is scared to go near llama] so it’s worthy of being seen by the son of god. Jaahi. Jaahi. [Mikey touches llama with a brush and runs away.]

Kevin: Jaahi! Jaahi! Yo, Jaahi, yo! Jaahi. Jaahi. [Kevin is holding the lease rope to the llama] Ay, can somebody else hold the rope. Jaahi. Um, we will present these gifts to the young king. [llama moves a little] Jaahi! Jaahi! The llama ate those props so we don’t have– Jaahi. Come on, man.

Kyle: Let us calm our camel and begin the journey. We’re not gonna do it coz llama won’t let us.

[the llama moves]

Kyle, Mikey and Kevin: Jaahi! No. Jaahi.

[The curtain closes] [Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t like that narrator girl.

Kenan: That’s your criticism? Not the llama stuff?

[Cut to Terry whispering in Aidy’s ear]

Aidy: Okay. Okay. Right. I see. Thank you. Um, so, Terry has informed me that in the next major scene, our wise men will be holding up a blanket. Okay? To block an area of the llama’s body that had become inappropriate. Okay. Thank you.

[Cut to Carey standing before the curtain.]

Carey: We take you now to Bethlehem where the wise men reach the major.

[Carey walks out. The curtain opens. There are three wise men and a llama. Kyle and Mikey are covering llama’s genitals with a blanket.

Mikey: Oh my god, that’s insane.

Kyle: Dude, llama!

Kevin: Low, a manger, inside Joseph and his wife, Mary, who birthed the new boy and king. Yo, I’m sorry, everybody, but the llama man’s horny right now. Yo.

[Mary walks in]

Mary: Oh, glorious miracle. Born into a virgin, the son of god. [Mary carries a toy baby. The goy baby has no head.] Okay, the llama ate some of the baby. What say you? Dear Joseph? Bryan, it’s your line.

[Joseph is looking at llama’s genitals]

Joseph: Wo-ho-ho-ho. Oh! Um, the child is surely a son of god.

[Joseph goes back to looking at llama’s genitals] [Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t blame him. I won’t lie. I’m curious.

[Cut to the stage]

Kevin: Yo, man. He’s making noises. I’m not holding no more. [Kevin throws away the lease rope] Y’all got to do that.

Mikey: Yeah. We out of here. We out of here.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan: Hey, boys. Don’t drop that blanket. Oh! And there it is.

[Leslie stands happily and starts clapping]

Leslie: Good for you, llama.

[Cut to the stage. The curtain closes. Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: Okie, dokie. That concludes our Nativity program. There’s more but you guys know the story, right? Thank you. And I am so sorry.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: And we’ll be sticking around after the service if anybody would like a picture with the llama.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Oh, I’mma be there.

Kevin Hart Stand-Up Monologue

Kevin Hart

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Hart.

[Kevin Hart walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kevin Hart: Hey. Oh, we can do better than that. [cheering harder] Let me hear y’all. Yes. Yes. So excited to be here, man. So many amazing things going on right now. Where do I start? First and foremost, Jumanji. I have Jumanji coming out soon. I’m extremely excited about that. Um, I can talk about the fact that this is my third time hosting Saturday Night Live. My third time on this stage. Excited about that. I’m about to go to my third tour. My third tour. Irresponsible tour. I’m excited about that.

People, big things are happening right now. I just had my third baby. I just had baby number three. Yes. Yes, I did. Now, I can admit– I can admit to everybody I wasn’t– I wasn’t excited about having a baby in the beginning. When we had the idea of having a baby. I wasn’t through. I didn’t know if I wanted the baby. That’s just me being honest. Don’t judge me. I’m being honest. I didn’t know if I wanted the baby. The reason why? It’s because I got two babies already. My daughter’s 12. My son’s 10. I told my wife. I said, “Babe, I got the best of both worlds. I did it. We married. So technically, those babies are your babies. That’s what I told her. Those are your babies too. She said, “I know. But they old. I want a new one.” I said, “Well, first of all don’t talk about my kids like they’re used cars. Don’t do that, okay? These kids are working perfectly fine. There’s nothing wrong with these kids.”

The thing is for me, I didn’t want to deal with that two year old age again. That was my fear. That’s a tough age, man. You got to have a lot of patience to deal with that two year old child. Just think about it. All you do is just repeat yourself all day to a two year old child. That’s all you do. You say the same thing over and over again to a two year old child.

“Hey! Hey! What did I say? Look at me. Look at me. No. What did I say? Ah! Look at me. Look at me. What did I? No! What did I say? Put it! Look, haa-hah! No! Haa-hah!” What is that? What is “Haa-hah?” That’s not even a word. But we made it the word. Go behind a stranger that you don’t know and go “haa-hah!” I bet they duck. I bet they duck. Coz it always follows with a hit.

You gotta have too much patience, man. There’s so many things I don’t like when it comes to little kids. I’m gonna tell you what I really don’t like. I don’t like these younger women that are making these older men have these babies. I don’t like it. I was at a park. I saw a 60 year old man with a two year old baby. It disgusted me. I didn’t like it one bit. Coz he couldn’t keep up with the baby. The baby is too much for him. He was treating the baby like the baby was a loose basketball at a playground. You should have seen it. “Ay! Ay! My man. Look up. Grab that baby. Pass that baby back to me please. That’s my baby. Ay! Please. Hey! Coming down the side board. Right there. That’s my baby. Hey. Pass that baby back to me please.” He couldn’t bend his knees. He didn’t know how to work none of the baby equipment so he kept trying to talk to me to get me to do the things for him. “Ay, you. My man. Right there. Hey, please. You, right there. Ay! Right there. Come here for a second? Please. I don’t know how to get the stroller down. Okay? Like, I got it up but I can’t get it down. It’s like I took viagra and I don’t know what to do afterwards. Okay?” I said, “Look, man. It’s a new stroller. The new strollers are touch and release. All you got to do is tap the button in the middle. You tap the button in the middle, the stroller’s gonna collapse.” He said, “Can you show me how to do it?” I did it. I tapped the button in the middle. Stroller collapsed. He lost it. “Oh! My god! Okay. Alright. I need you in my life.” He said, “Can I get you to follow me to my car and help me properly stripe my baby in the car seat?” I said, “What?” He said, “Let’s just hypothetically say I didn’t do it right on the way over here.” He said, “I made a left and my baby slipped from the right and smacked her head on the glass on the left hand side. I just need you to help me, brother.” I said, “I don’t mind, man.” Long story short, I’ve been watching this guy’s kids for last two weeks. True story.

I will say this though. You have to take your hat off when it comes to dealing with kids to the women. Women, I give you so much credit. Like, you guys do so much. I will. I- I take my hat off to you. You know why? Because when it comes to putting structure in the child’s life, when it comes to bathing, feeding, taking kids to school, from school, you guys do that. You’re responsible for that. And you know what? I applaud you for that. But one thing that you’re not… The one thing that you’re not is fun. Now, I know when you first hear it, I know you’re getting attitude already. “What? I’m fun. That’s a lie. You a liar. I’m fun.” No, you’re not. You’re not. You’ve never heard a kid say, “I can’t wait to get home and play with my mom.” You ain’t never heard that. “I can’t wait for mommy and me time.” That don’t exist. Don’t no kids say that. All of the fun responsibility lies on the shoulder of the father. It does. Now, I know right now, women, you’re looking at me and saying, “So what? If it does, just play with kid.” What you don’t understand is the fun becomes the hardest job the kid does not know how to shut fun off. Let me tell you the scariest thing for men to see after a long day at work. He is tired. The scariest thing for men to see when he opens up that door real slow is that baby with a lot of energy on the other side. [screaming] “Oh, yeah. I’m ready to play, daddy. I wanna play that game where you close your eyes and I keep opening them back up. That’s what I want to do, daddy. I want to jump on your neck, daddy!” That’s a bad game, man. You gotta have a lot of patience as a man to deal with that. A lot. Some men have it. Some men don’t.

I want to make a bet right now. I’ll make a bet that every single man in this audience that has a child has done what I’m about to say at least one time. At least one time. Long day at work in your car. You drive home. You’re pulling your driveway. Soon as you get in the driveway, that baby with all the energy gets in the blinds and sees you. “Oh, yeah! Daddy’s about to pull up.” You see the baby. You see the baby see you see the baby. And you back out that driveway.

We got an amazing show for you guys tonight, everybody. Foo Fighters are here tonight. [cheers and applause] Yes! Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Inside the NBA

Ernie Johnson… Alex Moffat

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Kevin Hart

[Starts with Inside The NBA intro] [Cut to the show set]

Ernie: Hey, welcome back to Inside The NBA. I’m Ernie Johnson. That’s Kenny the Jet Smith and Charles Barkley.

Charles: Hey, there.

Kenny: What’s up?

Ernie: And on my right is Shaquille O’Neal.

Shaq: Happy holidays and Merry Christmas. Very merry. If you’re Jewish, happy home manukkah.

Ernie: Thank you, Shaq. Um, we also want to welcome back Charles who spent the past few days in his home state of Alabama campaign for Doug Jones. I’m sure you’re happy, Charles.

Charles: Oh, man, I am, Ernie. First of all, I’m happy for Alabama. I’m happy for the country. And I’d be personally happy if I hadn’t bet $100,000 on Roy Moore.

Kenny: Wait, you bet on Roy Moore?

Charles: I couldn’t help it, man. I thought he was a lock. I’m from Alabama. That’s not the most progressive place. I mean a lot of folks down there think that Ellen DeGeneres is going through a phase. I mean, Roy Moore rode a horse to the polls.

Shaq: Hah! Ay, Shaq can’t ride no horse. Feet don’t touch the ground. But you can’t be the dead horse because dead horse tell no tales. Coz they’re horses. We lost their tails.

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, you gotta get it together, man. I think you’re the only basketball player whose brain has aged like a football player. Let’s just say congratulations to Doug Jones.

Kenny: It’s amazing that the underdog won.

Shaq: Yeah. Well, let me say something. Every dog has it’s day. But it was night time. No time for dogs. Dogs are asleep, so it’s cat time. Cats come out at night. Freaks come out at night. Shaq a freak!

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, what the hell are you saying, man? We talking about the senate election.

Shaq: Ho-ho. Hey, I love the send-it (senate). I write an email, hit the send button, boom. Send it (senate).

Charles: Oh, damn, Shaq. It’s like a whole bunch of words got jumbled up in your brain and a fire marshall said, “Everybody out!”

Shaq: Hey, you shut your mouth, Charles. Don’t make me come over there and do something Shaq for you ass. Ya-ha-haa.

Ernie: Okie, dokie. Um, let’s just move on to tonight’s games. First up, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavs are taking on the LA Lakers.

Kenny: Expect a big game from LeBron having another NVP. He’s just on an entirely different playing field this season.

Shaq: No, no, no. No. That’s ridiculous Kenny. LeBron is not on his field. He’s on a court, dummy. You dumb. A court is in session. Alright. The honorable Shaq and Shaq don’t crack. Haaa.

Charles: Damn, Shaq. I can hear your tiny brain rattling around your skull like a little bean in a maraca.

Ernie: Oh, alright. Alright. Let’s all try to get along for once?

Shaq: Yeah. That’s right. Coz when you get along, you go along. And when you go along, you tag along. And Shaq loves Tag alongs. Best girls got cookies. Tag alongs. It is the Shaq of cookies. Haaa.

Charles: Shaq, that didn’t make a lick of sense. How do you even do endorsements? Do they just put a pack of ice in your hand and then sprayed peanut butter on the roof of your mouth and dropped over the words later.

Shaq: Okay. That’s it. It’s go time. [Shaq stands, he is very tall] Let’s go, Chuck. Throw me the ball.  [someone throws a basketball to Shaq.] Haa, yeah. Me and you, Charles.

Charles: Okay.

Shaq: Let’s go.

Charles: Come on, man. We are getting too old for this.

Ernie: Guys, guys, we are paid to come to work and talk bout basketball.

Shaq: No. No. No. I’m about to get you barbecued chicken. It’s duckets coz you shaqed in a fool. Let’s go, Chuck.

Charles: Man, look at you. Tall body with little arms. You look like the letter ‘F’ came to life.

Ernie: Okay. Hey, we’ll be right back where maybe, we’ll even talk a little basketball.

Charles: $1,000 says we won’t.

Holiday Jewelry

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Cecily strong

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with women decorating the Christmas tree in their house.]

Male voice: She’s the one who makes the holidays merry and bright. The perfect gift. The perfect wrapping. The perfect everything. So, what do you get the woman who makes Christmas for Christmas? [Greg takes Kate to show her the gift] The gift every woman desires. [He shows her a ring box] A beautiful charm from Pandora. [There’s a little coffee cup in the ring box. Kate is confused.]

Kate: Oh, it’s one of these? It’s a little coffee cup.

Greg: I knew you would.

Kate: What?

Greg: I’m sorry. Did you say you love it?

Kate: [in unimpressive way] I do. I love it.

Male voice: And Pandora charms. We take one little fact about your wife and turn it into jewelry. If it’s now, it’s a charm.

[Cut to Alex opening the ring box to Cecily. Cecily is happy first, but then is confused after seeing what’s in the ring box.]

Cecily: Oh, is it a little dress?

Beck: Yeah. I noticed you wear dresses.

Cecily: It has pink ribbon on it. It’s for breast cancer?

Beck: [looks at it carefully] Oh, yeah.

Male voice: Pandora charm sees the thing you want to tell her the most. Like, I know what job you have and that job is nurse. Or, you like drinking. Or, this is a dog. And once you bought a Pandora bracelet, you can get her one of these $60 whatever for every birthday, mother’s day and anniversary for the rest of her natural life.

[Cut to a party]

Kate: [to her friends] It’s a coffee cup. Greg got it for me. Greg, look what I’m wearing. [Greg and Kate raise their glasses to each other] [to her friends] I got Greg a motorcycle.

Cecily: I got us a threesome.

Kate: Wow.

Aidy: Wow.

Cecily: Yeah.

Male voice: Pandora. Come back to the mall.

Weekend Update – Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Christmas

Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There’s only eight days left before Christmas. Here with his holiday dating tips is they guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in] [cheers and applause]

The guy: Yeah. Ho-ho-ho. [singing] It’s beginning to look a lot like Sex-mas. Hey, happy holiday, Santa Cols. Skin tight to be back.

Colin Jost: My god. I think you’re even worse than I remembered. How have you been?

The guy: Not great, Col. The world has gotten it’s granny panties in a real twist since last we spoke. Got into some hot wat at the office. I had to go incognit for a bit, a little adic-facil out in the boo. Low-key little sex rehab situate to save my J-O-B. It was hard but overall pretty tight and I’m a changed man.

Colin Jost: Wow. Congrats, man.

The guy: Thank you. Now, let’s talk getting fala-la-la-la-la-laid.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. That’s my guy. Okay.

The guy: Okay. I’ve got some tips that could help even Santa slay (sleigh). Now, when it comes to buying her a gift, you can’t lose with booze. Go for that second smallest bottle of Bails, maybe a nice Stoly Orang, or just bring some Veno to the sceno. Pick up anything in the sub-20-buck range that will get her lit up like that tree in Rockefeller Centro. I have a small bad wang. Now, let’s talk gifts of gold and Frankenstein. Since that will have her coming back for mer. ‘Tis the holiday for lingerie, and gents, don’t half shaft it with some cut rayed skivis, okay? Head straight to Vicky-6 and ask for a recommende. Don’t worry about what size. Just make it guess-demaise based on what kind of goodies the sales chika packed for lunch. My junk blows.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. These, again, are dating tips for Christmas?

The guy: Wi, señor. Now, to make your Mrs. claws up your back, um, you gotta set that wintery scene. Take her to a top notch ski res and get your slope on. Then retire to the ski chalet where she shall lay if you play things right. Remember, mistletoe leads to camel toe. And medically speaking, my missile is a toe. Now, light up a fire– [Colin Jost laughing hardly]

Colin Jost: What?

The guy: Geez.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No.

The guy: Happy holidays.

Colin Jost: Yeah, their problem. Yeah.

The guy: Um, light up a fire and you’ll log her quicker, then you can say, “This never happens to me.” But it always does. It came upon a midnight clear but she most certainly did not. I’m neither a goer nor a show-er. Um–

Colin Jost: Look, man. Come on. It’s the Christmas show, okay?

The guy: Rodger, dodger. Now, let’s talk poist, post coids proto Col. Um, once you’ve done the deed and show em’ the seed, you can run, run Rudolph. Make like Santa Clause and leave her presents. Bad jingle, worse bells.

Colin Jost: It’s disgusting.

The guy: Well, hey man, don’t make me deck the Colls. Ha-ha. Nah, I’m Jost kidding. I only pick on people my own size which is just shockingly small. My penis, I mean. It’s bad an it’s small. And the thing is Colin, nobody likes it.

Colin Jost: And yet, somehow it’s not the worst thing about you.

The guy: Umm. It’s a Philly’s nobby dud. Now, in cum-clusion (conclusion), no matter who you open presents with on XXXmas, there’s no better place to unwrap a box and on the stern of the uptown girl.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What is the uptown girl?

The guy: My boat, Colin.

Colin Jost: My god. The guy who bought a boat everyone.

The guy: It’s duck-tomorrow-logo.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Christmas Party

Kenan Thompson

Ron… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Kevin Hart

[Starts with four adults enjoying the Christmas party]

Kenan: Well, it is Christmasy as all hell in here. Sorry I said hell. I’ve had too many of these guys. [pointing to his cocktail] How much Bailey’s is in these, Ron?

Ron: It’s all Bailey’s, my man.

[laughing] [door bell ringing]

Cecily: Oh, oh, that’s probably Crystal and Jean. They said they were arriving late. [Cecily opens the door] Ah, Merry Christmas. Come on in.

Leslie: How are you doing? Sorry, [pointing at Kevin] this is one to blame.

Kevin: Oh, man. Here we go. Ha-ha.

Ron: Can I get you Bailey’s on the rocks?

Kevin: Oh, thank you. Thank you. I love one.

Leslie: Um, do me a favor. Get him a diet Pepsi.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on, now. I can’t even have a drink? Oh, sweety Crystal. come on.

Ron: Oh, Jean, have a drink if you want.

Kevin: Oh, no, Ron. I shouldn’t push it.

Leslie: Do you have straws?

Cecily: Well, we have the crazy straws that our kids like to use.

Leslie: Hmm, that will do.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on. Don’t make me use a child’s crazy straw. Come on, Crystal.

Leslie: I’m not gonna listen to you slurp, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, I’ll drink it quiet, honey. Come on, baby. I don’t slurp.

Leslie: You think you don’t slurp, Jean? [Leslie passes Kevin a glass of Pepsi with a crazy straw] Here.

Kevin: Okay. I guess I’ll take it.

[Kevin takes a seat by Kenan.]

Kenan: So, you do everything your wife says there, Jean?

Kevin: What? What, you– What? [laughing] You got it all wrong. She just knows what’s better for me. That’s all. I’m very– I’m very lucky.

Leslie: Jean, I’m under the mistletoe. Get over here and kiss me.

Kevin: Oh. Okay, alright. I’m on my way, sweetie. Okay.

Kenan: You better snap to it, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, come on, now. Ay, Reggie, come on, now. Don’t bust my chance like that.

Leslie: Hurry up. Do you know how desperate I look right now?

Kevin: Oh, well, I’m coming, hun. I’m just–

Leslie: You know what? Forget it. You’re too late. Go kiss yourself.

Kevin: [looks around] Well, baby, how do I kiss myself? I don’t know how to even do that.

Leslie: Then grab that life size Christmas bear under the tree and kiss it.

Kevin: Oh. Baby, I– I really gotta go kiss that over sized teddy bear? The one with the overall? Come on, Crystal.

Leslie: Yes. And make it a good one, Jean.

Kevin: What? Like a big kiss? You talking the whole thing, Crystal, baby? Come on, now.

Leslie: Yes. A French kiss and I wanna see a lot of tongue. Jean.

[Kevin walks to the teddy bear]

Aidy: Oh, Jean, you do not have to do that.

Kevin: Oh, well, no. I better. I don’t — I don’t want Crystal to be mad.

Leslie: Kiss that teddy bear like you mean it. Show then what I have to deal with every night, Jean.

Kevin: Well, come on now, Crystal. I don’t want them to see our secrets. Come on, baby.

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kenan: Yeah. We don’t want to see your secrets either.

Leslie: Tell that bear how hot it looks. How hot he looks.

Kevin: What? What do you mean he?

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kevin: Oh, come on now, Crystal. Alright, your booty look good.

Ron: His booty? What is happening?

Leslie: Take that bear’s Christmas overalls off Jean.

Kevin: Oh, Crystal, baby. Don’t make me undress the teddy bear. Come on, Crystal.

Kenan: Ay, Jean. You don’t have to do that.

Aidy: Yeah. This isn’t your house.

Cecily: Yes. And that’s Elain’s Christmas gift.

Kevin: Well, well, I’m sorry. Okay? I just gotta pick my battles with Crystal. [Kevin starts opening teddy bear’s clothes] Get your overalls off. Come on.

Leslie: You’re making that bear work. Show him what you really like, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on now. Those are my bedroom fantasies.

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kevin: Well, I don’t see any fingers or nothing on the bear, Crystal. Let me get the leg out the pant or something out. Come on. I’ll do this and I’ll just turn the bear.

Kenan: Hey, stand up for yourself, Jean.

Ron: Yeah. You don’t have to do that, man.

Aidy: Get off my stuffed bear.

[Kevin gets embarrassed]

Kevin: You know what, honey? You’ve been laying into me heavy all night in front of all my employees. But I think maybe you’re going too far, okay? Now, I’m not gonna try to put my– you know what I am. I’mma put my foot down right now and I’mma say, “That’s it.” No more. No more I’m gonna do this. I will not make out with this life sized teddy ear anymore.

[The employees look proud]

Leslie: Hmm. Somebody gets a little diet Pepsi in him and suddenly he’s all man. Hmm, how about we go home and you get one top?

[Leslie walks out]

Kevin: Oh, baby. Come on now. Now I got to be on top?

Leslie: [yelling] Come on, Jean!

Kevin: Alright, sweety. Well, let me get the bear. We can finish what we started. I’m sorry.

[Kevin carries the life sized teddy bear]

I’m sorry. I know. We made a mess.

Cecily: Did they just take Elain’s gift with them?

Aidy: It’s okay.

Captain Shadow and the Cardinal

Captain Shadow… Kevin Hart

Cardinal… Chris Redd

Police officers… Alex Moffat, Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a group of robbers robbing a bank’s vault. They’re wearing clown masks.]

Captain Shadow: Hey, fellas!

[ Suddenly two vigilante superheroes come in and beat up all the robbers] [Cut to Captain Shadow and Cardinal inside their Shadow mobile. They’re wearing masks, superhero costumes and are driving really fast.]

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh, we did it, Captain Shadow.

Captain Shadow: But the Killer Clown is still eluded us once again. Let’s hurry back to the shadow cave and inspect this mysterious clue he left behind.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] That sick bastard will never go away with whatever he’s planning. Thanks to us.

Captain Shadow: Don’t get too cocky, Cardinal. The Killer Clown is still– [police siren] Ah! God dammit! It’s the cops.

[Captain Shadow pulls over.]

Alex: [on speaker] Turn off the engine.

Cardinal: They probably just wanna thank us.

Captain Shadow: Yeah, I bet. Look, just be cool and let me do all the talking, okay?

[Alex walks out of his vehicle and approaches Captain Shadow]

Cardinal: Okay. I won’t say a word.

Alex: Good morning, fellas.

Cardinal: Good morning.

Captain Shadow: Uh, hello officer.

Alex: Nice masks. What are you guys? Coming from a party or something?

Captain Shadow: No, sir.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] But I guess you can say we busted one up, right Captain Shadow?

Captain Shadow: Shut up, Cardinal.

Cardinal: Okay.

Alex: Any idea how fast you were going?

Captain Shadow: Uh, I mean, I’m really not sure. 65? 70 maybe?

Alex: Collect you guys at 140.

Captain Shadow: Oh.

Alex: Yeah. License and registration, please sir.

Captain Shadow: It’s me. It’s Captain Shadow. This is my trustee sidekick Cardinal.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] The dynamite two-some. At your service.

Captain Shadow: Hey Cardinal, will you just shut up?

Alex: Okay. I see you’re rappers or something. I still need to see your ID.

Captain Shadow: No. We’re not rappers. And my identity is a secret. So…

Alex: Ah! A secret?

Captain Shadow: Yeah. I’m a crime fighter.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] You really don’t recognize us?

Alex: [to Cardinal] How old are you?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] 16.

Alex: Is that your son?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] No. But we live together in the cave.

Alex: Okay. Out of the car. Let’s go.

Captain Shadow: [getting out of the car] Cardinal, that’s gonna be your biggest setback. You don’t listen.

Alex: Well, do you need help? Get out.

Captain Shadow: Alright.

Alex: Been drinking today?

Captain Shadow: Uh, no sir.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Captain Shadow would never drink.

Captain Shadow: Hey!

Alex: Uh-huh. Pretty sweet ride you got. You got fire coming out of the exhaust. I don’t see a license plate on this thing.

Captain Shadow: Yeah. Well, of course, not. It’s the shadow mobile. Alright? I made this car myself.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Yeah. Coz he’s a genius.

Alex: Ay, was I talking to you?

Cardinal: No. But he is.

Alex: [to Captain Shadow] Okay. Hands on the hood.

Captain Shadow: Okay. I really don’t think–

Alex: Let’s go. Common. [Alex starts searching Captain Shadow’s body] Alright. Do you have anything that will stick me?

Captain Shadow: Probably.

Alex: Any weapons or gun?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Captain Shadow would never use guns. Coz guns are for cowards. Right, Captain Shadow?

Captain Shadow: Will you shut up, Cardinal?

Cardinal: Sure.

Alex: [looking at Captain Shadow’s belt] What is this?

Captain Shadow: It’s my utility belt.

Alex: Yeah. What’s on it?

Captain Shadow: I don’t know. Smoke bomb, gadgets, it’s a lot of–

Alex: Uh-huh.

[Alex takes the belt off of Captain Shadow]

Captain Shadow: This isn’t really necessary. Just call commissioner Morgan. He knows who I am.

Alex: Yeah. teneightyfive, I’m gonna need a car.

Captain Shadow: Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Any time a black man wants to do something good for his community, we gotta go through something like this. Every time.

[Alex shows a small packet of cocaine]

Alex: What’s this?

Captain Shadow: What’s what?

Alex: This bag. What’s in it?

Captain Shadow: That’s um– That’s dust. That’s energy dust.

Alex: Oh yeah? Looks little bit like cocaine.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh please!

Captain Shadow: What? It’s not cocaine. It’s like cocaine but it’s different. It’s–

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] He just needs it for energy and courage.

Captain Shadow: Shut your trap.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Alright, what seems to be the problem here? Hey, Captain Shadow? What’s going on, my brother? [takes the packet] What’s this right here? [tastes it] Oh, that’s cocaine.

Captain Shadow: Well, it’s not mine. It’s not mine.

Alex: You said it was your energy dust.

Captain Shadow: Did I say that? But it’s not mine. I probably confiscated it and just forgot about it. Left it in the belt after taking it.

Kenan: Alright, let’s go ahead and get you in some cuffs, buddy.

Captain Shadow: No. We don’t need those.

Kenan: Thank you very much.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh, no! Captain Shadow. What should I do?

Captain Shadow: Call my lady. Tell her they got me again, Cardinal.

Cardinal: Okay.

[Cardinal runs in the streets wearing his superhero costume.] [Cut to the newspaper with front page article ‘Capt Bust for the Dust.]