Kate McKinnon Is Worried About Matt Damon | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Kate McKinnon

Miley Cyrus

Mark Ronson

[Starts with Matt, Kate, Miley, and Mark standing on the stage]

Matt Damon: Hi, I’m Matt Damon, and I’m hosting SNL with musical guests Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus.

Kate McKinnon: Matt, what’s been your favorite part of the week so far?

Matt Damon: Oh, the parties for sure.

Miley Cyrus: Oh, yes, the cast parties.

Kate McKinnon: What parties?

Mark Ronson: Remember that goat last week? [Miley, Mark, and Matt laughing]

Miley Cyrus: [Miley, Mark, and Matt laughing]That was too much.

Matt Damon: Goat!

Kate McKinnon: What parties?

Matt Damon: So good.

[Cut]

Matt Damon: Hi, I’m Matt Damon, and I’m hosting SNL with musical guests Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus.

Kate McKinnon: Mark. I’m such a big fan.

Mark Ronson: Thank you, Kate.

Kate McKinnon: Miley, you’re on fire.

Miley Cyrus: Back at you Kate.

Kate McKinnon: Matt, you doing okay?

[Matt Damon confused]

Matt Damon: What? Yeah. Come on. I’m fine.

Kate McKinnon: That’s good. [Kate gestures her head ‘No’]

Matt Damon: Fine.

SNL Host Matt Damon Goes All Out for Secret Santa | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Beck Bennett

Mark Ronson

Miley Cyrus

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of decorated Christmas tree][Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: And thus ended the great gift of 2004. [Cut to everybody sitting together] No, like I said, secret Santa [Cut to Matt Damon] is my favorite day of the year.

[Cut to everybody sitting together]

Beck Bennett: Me too.

Mark Ronson: All right.

Beck Bennett: Mark, you want to go first?

Mark Ronson: Yes, sure. Thanks. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] [Mark opens the box] Oh. It’s a turkey sandwich.

Beck Bennett: Yeah, remember that one time I was eating a turkey sandwich and you were like, [Cut to Beck Bennett] “Looks good”.

Mark Ronson: I think I remember. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] Yes, so you put it in the box and you gave it to me now.

[Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: That’s really, really weird Beck.

Beck Bennett: I don’t know. [Cut to Beck Bennett] I put my sandwich in a box.

Miley Cyrus: Okay, [Cut to Miley Cyrus] it’s my turn.

Matt Damon: Oh, well. [Cut to Matt Damon] The zig is up. [Cut to everybody] I got Miley this year. There you go.

Miley Cyrus: Thank you. [Cut to Miley Cyrus opening the box] [There’s diamond necklace inside the box] Oh, Matt. This is way too much. You said we were keeping it modest this year.

Matt Damon: [Cut to everybody] I know. I got carried away. [Cut to Matt Damon] I just love secret Santa.

Miley Cyrus: [Cut to Miley Cyrus] Thank you, so sweet. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] Better than a turkey sandwich.

Beck Bennett: Well, I mean it depends on who you are.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: All right, I believe it’s my turn. [Cut to Cecily and Matt] Who is it?

Cecily Strong: It’s me.

Matt Damon: I knew it’s you. I know it.

Cecily Strong: I didn’t make eye contact.

Matt Damon: No, you didn’t. I was like, “It’s her”.

[Matt Damon opens the box and finds a scarf in it]

Cecily Strong: I made it myself. The scarf obviously. I didn’t finish it but.

[Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: Oh!

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Why don’t you put it on?

Matt Damon: Yeah! No, I’m- I’m so hot. I’m afraid I’ll get like a rash or some kind.

Cecily Strong: Do you like it?

Matt Damon: Yeah!

Cecily Strong: Then put it on!

Matt Damon: I don’t want to.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: It will definitely look good.

Mark Ronson: You should do it.

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: This was your idea. Secret Santa. Come on.

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Put it on.

Matt Damon: It doesn’t exactly go with–

Cecily Strong: Put it on.

[Cut to Matt Damon putting on the scarf]

Miley Cyrus: Oh, that is nice. [Cut to Miley and Mark]

Mark Ronson: Beautiful.

Matt Damon: I kind of feel like [Cut to Matt Damon] you guys are applauding to make me feel better about it.

Miley Cyrus: It’s great.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Don’t ever say something like that.

Miley Cyrus: You should [Cut to Miley Cyrus] definitely wear that outside.

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Why? You don’t like it?

Matt Damon: I didn’t say that. You ruined my favorite day.

Cecily Strong: What’s that?

Matt Damon: Merry Christmas.

Weekend Update Angel Reacts to Good Holiday News | Season 44 Episode 9

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

Tommy… Matt Damon

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: With the holidays coming up, everyone can use a little cheer. Here with “Weekend Update’s” good news report is every boxer’s girlfriend from every movie about boxing ever, please welcome Angel.

[Angel comes in]

Angel: Hi Michael.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Hi Angel, how are you?

Angel: You know,I’m hanging in there.

Michael Che: You have any big holidays plan?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Yeah, well, you know, Tommy’s got a big fight coming up on Christmas so I guess the only thing he will be getting from Santa is a concussion.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: He’s boxing on Christmas?

Angel: Not as far as I’m concerned. [Cut to Angel] I mean Tommy can get his sleigh bell rung all he wants but if he goes to that fight, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Okay, Angel.

Angel: You hear me, Michael, the kids, I’m taking them to my sister’s.

Michael Che: All right, well here’s some good holiday news. How about that? Tyler Perry made headlines this week when he paid off over $400,000 in Walmart layaways.

Angel: [Disappointed] Oh–

Michael Che: What? What’s wrong with that?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: I mean, what are you doing, Tyler Perry? You think you’re some hero, paying for people’s Christmas presents? Well, my kids already got their Gronk jerseys. What they need is their father. So unless you’re gonna be there on Christmas morning to say hello, then my biggest family reunion will be missing a few people, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Okay. All right.

Angel: All right? That’s where we will be on Christmas, Michael. At 343 Donnie Wahlberg Way.

Michael Che: Let’s just change the subject. You’ll like this. ‘Creed II’ has made over $100 million at the box office. Did you get to see it?

Angel: [Disappointed] Aww—

Michael Che: What did I say now?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Oh, if you think for a second I’m taking my kids to see Creed’s kids fight Drago’s kids and not my sister’s kids and my sister, then you lost your damn mind, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s!

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Come on, Angel, everybody loves another ‘Rocky’ movie.

Angel: Oh, yeah, [Cut to Angel] how many more sequels? Which one is enough? Michael B. Jordan? Nah, Michael be needing his Catheter changed three times a week. All right?

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Angel, it’s just a movie.

Angel: Oh, Michael, you think it’s a movie—until it’s your life.

Tommy: Angel! [Tommy comes in] Angel!

Angel: Oh, my god! Tommy, [Cut to Angel and Tommy] what are you doing here?

Tommy: I can ask you the same thing. You said you were taking the kids to your sister’s.

Angel: Yeah, yeah, well, I did. And then I came here, to my job. I’m doing the news now for Michael Che. [Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy. Michael is confused.] And it turns out I’m pretty good at it.

Tommy: What? [Cut to Angel and Tommy] Now you’ve been on ‘Update’, you think you’re better than me?

Angel: Yeah, Tommy, I do.

Tommy: Look, I may have been born in the back of the cheers bar, but everyone knows my name, Tommy Ray Donovan, fighter and father to Mikey, Mickey, Peppens, Keno and the baby.

Angel: What do you mean?

Tommy: You’re pregnant, Angel.

Angel: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]

Michael Che: How does he know before you?

[Cut to Angel and Tommy]

Tommy: I love you so frigging much.

Angel: I love you so frigging much, Tommy! Now you go out there and punch that man until you kill him! All right?

Tommy: I will.

Angel: All right, it’s Christmas!

Tommy: That’s right.

[Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]

Michael Che: Angel and Tommy, everybody!

Tommy: We’re naming the kid Gronk!

Angel: Even if it’s a girl.

Matt Damon Monologue | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Matt Damon.

[Cheers and applause] [Matt Damon enters the door and walks to the stage. He claps with the audiences.]

Matt Damon: Thank you! Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so excited to be here for the ‘SNL’ Christmas show. [Cheers and applause] Nothing beats Christmas in New York city. Except Christmas in Boston. [Laughter] Go Sox! This is actually my second time hosting the show. The first time was 16 years ago. Yeah, that is five ‘Jason Bourne’s’ ago. [Laughter] I hosted the premiere of the 28th season. It was actually so long ago, it was Fred Armisen’s first episode. And tonight is Beck’s last episode.

[Cut to Beck Bennett back stage, shocked]

Beck Bennett: I’m sorry, say what?

[Cut to Matt Damon on the stage]

Matt Damon: Oh sorry, maybe they’re gonna tell you that later. But so much has happened in the last 16 years. I got married. I have four beautiful children. [Cheers and applause] I have been able to travel the world and meet so many wonderful people doing this job that I love to do so much. And if you told me that any of this would have happened 16 years ago, well, I might have believed you. But if you told me that Ben Affleck and would I have been washing cars in Summer Ville, Maschusetts, well I would have believed that too. [Laughter]

Now, I’m not actually here tonight to promote anything. I’m herejust  because I want to be. I certainly didn’t come all this way to suck. But if I do, at least my movie won’t suffer. Because I don’t have one coming out. [Laughter]

So it really does mean a lot for me to be here tonight. Growing up, my brother and I would go to my dad’s house every other weekend. And he told us if we could stay up until 1 AM, we could watch ‘Saturday Night Live’. So week after week I tried to stay up. But it wasn’t until I was 8 years old that I made it all the way to the end. And I probably didn’t get all of the jokes. But I laughed at everything my dad laughed at. And although it was way past our bedtime, my dad knew that there was nothing more important in the world than to laugh with the people that you love. So my father passed away a year ago yesterday.

But tonight my big brother is in Boston right now, watching with his two boys and all of my kids are here, including my youngest, who happens to be 8 years old. So, my wife and I told her that yeah, she can stay up tonight until 1 AM and she can watch ‘Saturday Night Live’. And she said, “Who’s hosting?” [Laughter] And I said, “Me, your dad. Matt Damon.” And she said, “Who’s the musical guest?” [Laughter]

Now because this is the last ‘SNL’ of the year, I just wanted to propose a toast [Matt Damon gets a glass of champagne] to everyone out there watching. Here’s to closing out the year, and to an even brighter year ahead. But mostly, here’s to all of the moms and dads to let their kids stay up too late for all of the right reasons. Cheers! [Cheers and applause]

Now we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus and Mark Ronson are here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Cut for Time Glitter Litter Automatic Litter | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a cat sleeping beside Glitter Litter automatic litter factory][Matt is calling his cat. The cat is ignoring him]

Matt Damon: Hey biscuit. Come here. Come here biscuit. Come here. [Matt turns around] Cats suck. Anyone who has lived with one knows what I’m talking about. [Cut to cat acting lazy] So maybe it’s time you got a little more out of our relationship [Cut to Matt] with your few line counter part. And maybe even make a few bucks while you’re at it. [Matt stands][Matt is introducing Glitter Litter automatic litter factory] With Glitter Litter automatic litter factory, it’s possible.

[Cut to animated video clip of how Glitter Litter automatic litter factory works]

The Glitter Litter automatic litter factory spray coats the cat’s business with glitter, then adds a coat of polyurethane. Next, chains attached and Woah-lah! [Cut to Matt wearing the gold necklace] A super dope necklace to wear over my jerseys. Fire.

[Cut to Matt playing snooker at the bar. A stranger approaches to him.]

Stranger: Oh, man! This chain is dope. How much you’re going for like? $200?

 Matt Damon: Sure.

Stranger: Be right back. I got to find ATM quick.

[Cut to cat getting inside Glitter Litter automatic litter factory]

 Matt Damon: Glitter Litter automatic litter factory can make [Cut to video clips of example jewelry made by Glitter Litter automatic litter factory] charm bracelets, chokers, earrings, barrettes, just about any kind of jewelry you can think of.

[Cut to video clip of how to use Glitter Litter automatic litter factory ]

Just select the style and type of jewelry you want and [Cut to cat getting out of Glitter Litter automatic litter factory] the next time Fluffy dumps a brownie, [Cut to Matt] you’ll own a remarkable piece of jewelry. Like this sick ring I’m wearing. Create timeless pieces that look good on anyone.

[Cut to Aidy and Heidi dining in a restaurant]

Aidy Bryant: Heidi, where did you get that barrette? It’s stunning.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Oh, this? A friend of mine dropped it off this morning.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Can I buy it with a personal check?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Sure. [Smiling] [Cut to Matt]

 Matt Damon: Cats are morons. Isn’t it time you got a little payback in a relationship? Sounds like my cat and Glitter Litter automatic litter factory are done making my new grill.

[Cut to grill coming out of Glitter Litter automatic litter factory][Matt takes the grill and wears it on his teeth] [Cut to Glitter Litter automatic litter factory and cat wearing Christmas hat]

Narrator: This Christmas, put your cat to work with Glitter Litter automatic litter factory.

Cop Christmas | Season 44 Episode 9

Kelly… Matt Damon

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Connor… Beck Bennett

Captain… Alec Baldwin

Paul… Kyle Mooney

Maureen… Cecily Strong

Rhonda (Bartender)… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a shot of a bar]

Kelly: All right, another round for everybody. [Everybody sitting in the bar drinking bar] I’m buying this time.

Rhonda: You got it.

Carl: Oh, Kelly’s buying.

Connor: That’s what I call a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Kelly: Just for that, make his smaller than everybody else’s.

Paul: His wife told me somebody did.

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: Good one, Paul.

Connor: At least I still have a wife [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] to go home to, Paul.

Kelly: I bet Paul [Cut to everyone] would settle for a home at this point. [Everybody laughing] [Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: You aren’t get any action sleeping at your sister’s house.

Carl: But I am!

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Paul: You guys are breaking my balls. Come on now!

Kelly: Reminds me, Paul, I got you a little Christmas present here. It’s a gift certificate to that new massage parlor downtown. Y

[Cut to Captain and Carl][Everybody laughing]

Captain: Yeah. For your lonely nights.

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Kelly: No, but really, it’s pretty nice place. [Emotional music playing in the background] It’s a full spa. They do really good massages, facials, hot stones. I know we break balls a lot. But you’re a good guy.

Paul: You know what? I can actually use this, thanks.

Kelly: I hope you do.

Paul: Thanks, man.

Kelly: Hey, Paul, Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Carl, Paul and Kelly]

Carl: Hey, Paul, I got you a little something too.

Paul: Really, Carl?

Carl: [Carl takes out a box and gives it to Paul] Yeah, sure.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: Headphones, hey, for what?

Carl: For when me and your sister get a little too loud at night! [Cut to everybody laughing] No, but seriously, [Cut to Carl and Paul] I know that can’t be easy for you, man. I mean I’m having sex with your little sister. You’re right there on the couch.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Those walls are paper thin. You must hear everything.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: I just mind my business. It’s cool.

Carl: No, it’s not cool! It’s not cool at all! And I know we break balls a lot. Right? [Cut to everybody agreeing] Yeah, we break a lot of balls. We’ve been friends since the academy. [Cut to Carl and Paul] I would hate to put a strain on that.

Paul: Say here, they’re noise-canceling beats by Dre. You must have paid a lot of dough for these.

Carl: Some of the boys gypped in.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Yeah, some of us felt pretty rotten about nailing her too.

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: Thanks. That means a lot, Captain. I’m just happy she’s with you guys, and not some jerks.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Hey, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas. Hey, is this a party or what?

[Maureen walks behind them]

Kelly: Where are you going? [Cut to Carl, Maureen, Paul and Kelly] Do a round with us, Maureen, come on.

Paul: It’s not like you have plans on a Friday night!

Maureen: Its’ a nice night, Paul. I figured I’d go let your mother out for a walk. [Everybody laughing]

Paul: You know what, Maureen, [Cut to Everybody] I think my mother would really like that. [Cut to Maureen and Paul] This fresh air could really do her good.

Maureen: Yeah, I think so too. Merry Christmas, Paul.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Kelly: All right, let’s get those shots! [Rhonda brings the shots]

Connor: How do you like that, we’re getting shots from the worst shot on the force!

Paul: Hey, you’re the worst shot I have ever seen, Connor!

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Connor: Yeah, right!

Paul: Yeah, remember when you accidentally shot my wife?

Connor: Who, Beverly?

Paul: Yes! I only had one wife and you shot her. What a goof!

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Who’s the boss tonight. [Captain takes the shot] [Cut to Everybody]

Connor: Hey, look, Paul, I’m actually glad you brought that up [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] because—I haven’t been sleeping good since that all went down.

Paul: Hey, man, forget it. You know, it’s been months already.

Connor: No, no, let me say this, Paul. I shot your wife at your wedding. And I guess I had a few too many, and I messed up. Big time.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Any one of us could have shot his wife at their wedding.

Connor: Yeah, sure, [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] but I did. If I’m being honest, part of me still feels like it’s the reason she left you that night. I’m sorry, okay. I’m truly sorry, man. [Connor stands and leaves]

Paul: Wait, Connor. [Connor pauses] Merry Christmas.

Connor: Merry Christmas, man.

Kelly: Merry Christmas, Connor.

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Hey, Rhonda, put everything on my tab.

[Cut to Rhonda]

Rhonda: They’ve already been using your card. It’s 2 grand!

[Everybody laughing] [Cut to Everybody]

Paul: You guys breaking balls! [Everybody laughing]

Christmas Ornaments | Season 44 Episode 9

Husband… Kyle Mooney

Wife… Melissa Villaseñor

Drunk Santa… Beck Bennett

Good Will Hunting ornament… Matt Damon

Harry Potter… Mikey Day

Souvenir from Cleveland… Kenan Thompson

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Barb… Aidy Bryant

The Angel… Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of house in Christmas]

Husband: There it is. I love this one, [Cut to husband and wife decorating Christmas tree inside their house] drunk Santa. This baby’s going front and center.

Wife: Oh, come on babe, drunk Santa is tacky. This is a classy tree.

Husband: Okay, sorry. Drunk Santa, you’ve been sentenced to the back of the tree. [Husband places the Drunk Santa at the back of the tree] [Cut to ornaments at the back of the tree]

Drunk Santa: Wait, wait, wait, wait, where am I! [Talking over each other] Why am I back here with all of you?

Souvenir from Cleveland: All of us losers? The d-listers? Face it, Fish, you’re one of us! [Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland] The ornaments that are only seen by the wall. I’m your peer now. Take a good look at me! I’m a souvenir from your trip to Cleveland. You heard that right, Cleveland. And greeting singular from Cleveland, I was clearly bought at an airport. I’m head to toe nudes and when you lose, you lose. I’m back here with the freaks, and the fuglies, and now you are too.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament]

Drunk Santa: But I’m funny.

Souvenir from Cleveland: Ha-ha! You all hear that, he’s funny! Fool, you’re tacky, and tacky goes in backy!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: But I was in front of the tree once.

Good Will Hunting ornament: So was I, fish, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] years ago. And for your consideration promotional “Good Will Hunting” ornament. Yeah, cause that makes sense. “Good Will Hunting” screams Christmas. [Cut to Drunk Santa confused] And get this, I can talk too. You want to hear that sound like with [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] 20 year old batteries?  [In dead battery voice] “How do you like them apples?”

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, no, I don’t like them at all!

Good Will Hunting ornament: What, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] you don’t think it’s fair? On the back of me, you know what it says? It says, “Happy holidays from the Weinstein company”. Yeah, that holds up. [Cut to Drunk Santa] I’ve aged about as well as Rudy over there.

Drunk Santa: Who’s Rudy?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Me, a Rudy Giuliani Ornament from 2001. I still don’t understand why I’m back here. I’m America’s mayor. Did something change?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Yes, you see that Fish, you got to accept you’re back of the tree material now. Don’t be like Harry Potter, who refuses to accept that. Since the back of his quidditch broom broke, he looks like he’s doing something nasty.

[Cut to Harry Potter. It looks like he’s holding his penis in place of the broom]

Harry Potter: Be quiet! I look like I play quidditch, and nothing more!

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland:  You look like the cover of a “Harry Potter” porno!

[Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter:  No, I don’t. And when they get me a new broom, I’ll be back on the front, you’ll see!

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Potter’s got the most dangerous thing you can have back here, hope.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, Fish. You should give up, like Barb.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Barb, who’s Barb?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Kill me!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh god, what is she?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Beats me. Kid brought her home from Kindergarten, and said I made a Christmas and that’s all we know.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Barb, what the hell even are you?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Barb is dead. You call me what I am. You call me Macaroni turd.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament][Someone starts to sing]

Drunk Santa: What is that?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani:  That my fiend, is the angel.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: She’s a destroyed ornament kept for sentimental value.

Souvenir from Cleveland: She used to be the angel, [Cut to the Angel facing sideways] living large up on top of the tree. And then a light bulb melted off her damn head. [The Angel turns her head. Her half head is melt.] She’s never been the same since.

[The Angel sings in a horrible voice] [Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter: She sings us to sleep ever night. The anthem of the ugly, the hymn of the hideous.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Let me be the first to say greeting from the back of the tree.

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Macaroni turd could be a friend to you.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, god, I can’t believe I’m going to spend my Christmas back here with you people.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Believe it Fish, you’re one of us now. [In dead battery voice] How do you like them apples?

Westminster Daddy Show | Season 44 Episode 9

Kate McKinnon

Jerry… Matt Damon

Georgina Mont-Blanc… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Tweedy Daddy… Alex Moffat

Business Daddy… Chris Redd

[Starts with the intro of 85th Annual West Minister Daddy show]

Announcer: Welcome back to the 85th Annual West Minister Daddy show.

[Cut to Kate and Jerryin their set]

Kate McKinnon: Well, it’s Christmas time, so you know what that means.

Jerry: I do. It means it’s time for the Daddy Show.

Kate McKinnon: It is.

Jerry: We are finally up to the best in show category and I have to say, this year’s competitors are raising the bar.

Kate McKinnon: They are indeed. For anyone just joining us, this is a dog show but for daddies.

Jerry: Now, what exactly is a daddy?

Kate McKinnon: Well, think George Clooney but achievable.

Jerry: Love that. It’s like we say –

Both: Any man can be a father, but it takes a hot middle-aged guy with a big job to be a daddy.

[Cut to the stage. Georgina Mont-Blanc walks in.]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, here comes out head judge, Georgina Mont-Blanc. What do you think she’s looking for from this year’s pack of daddies?

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Our judges will be looking for men over the age of 46 with a little salt and pepper at the temples, some play money to throw around and a smug knowing smile that says “I do sex good”.

[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Bring out the daddies.

Kate McKinnon: And we’re off. [Golf daddy and his assistant start jogging around Georgina Mont-Blanc] Here comes the winner of the sporting group, West Palm Golf Daddy.

[Cut to Golf Daddy and his assistant]

Jerry: Golf Daddy is a consultant who loves hanging out with buddies at the 19th hole, which I’m told is slang for bar.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, that’s a funny daddy. He went through a divorce last year which is typical of the breed, lot of weekends away from home.

[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc, Golf Daddy and his assistant]

Jerry: Looks like the judge is [Georgina Mont-Blanc starts to put her hands on Golf Daddy’s teeth and look at his veneers] looking at his new veneers. Yes, it’s cute little joke about them is at least my ex can’t take these.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, that’s cute. I like that. Nice showing from Golf Daddy. [Golf daddy and his assistant leave] Okay.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Oh, now, here comes my personal favorite. Winner of the teach me, Daddy group. It’s Berkeley Tweedy Daddy.

[Cut to Kenan and Tweedy Daddy walk around Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, yes. The Tweedy Daddy ought to have a long, elegant gape and this one does in spades.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Notable traits, the breed are biking to work and being absolutely awful to waiters.

[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Go ahead and bring him here.

Kenan: [Kenan talks to Tweedy Daddy like a dog] Yes. Tweedy Daddy, come here. And Tweedy Daddy right here. [Tweedy Daddy doesn’t listen to Kenan] Tweedy Daddy up on here. Tweedy Daddy right there. Tweedy Daddy right there. Here come Tweedy Daddy here. Get up Tweedy Daddy on here.

Tweedy Daddy: Maybe if you present the argument, better I respect it.

[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Jerry: Another trait of the breed, being an obstructionist a-hole.

[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Please, bring him here.

[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Tweedy Daddy: Please, debate me, coward.

Georgina Mont-Blanc:  That’s a DQ.

Kate McKinnon: Tweedy Daddy disqualified. Georgina is not taking any of that.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: She never does, wink wink.

Kate McKinnon: Stop. Here’s the next competitor, always a crowd favorite.

[Cut to Business Daddy and his assistant walk around Georgina Mont-Blanc.]

Jerry: From the working too much group, Wall Street Business Daddy.

[Business Daddy is busy on his phone]

Business Daddy: I don’t know when I’ll be there [Cut to Business Daddy and his assistant] but I played for V.I.P. parking so it shouldn’t Jerryer, period.

[Cut to Business Daddy, his assistant and Georgina Mont-Blanc.]

Jerry: Business Daddies are obsessed with efficiency. They love using the text-to-speech feature to text their fiances.

Kate McKinnon: Okay, judge is manipulating the Billfold. [Georgina Mont-Blanc takes Business Daddy’s wallet out and feels it]

Jerry: Yeah, what she’s looking for here is feeling for the give of cash and the firmness of a very heavy credit card.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, I got to say, this daddy could get it.

Jerry: It’s not just about can this daddy get it, it’s about this daddy a champion?

Kate McKinnon: That’s right. Because all of these daddies could get it. Obviously they can get it because if they couldn’t get it, they wouldn’t be here.

Jerry: So true. Okay.

[Cut to the stage, Georgina Mont-Blanc, Golf Daddy and his assistant, and Business daddy and his assistant]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Can I see the Business Daddy, the Golf Daddy, and the announcer.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Wait, what? I don’t even have a handler!

Kate McKinnon: You heard her, get down there! [Jerry goes] Oh, very exciting turn of events, folks. Jerry is the Pedigree Broadcast Daddy! [Cut to Jerry is running around the stage like the other daddies did before] Makes a little awkward sex joke, looks great holding a mic. He could take this. [Georgina Mont-Blanc tells other daddies to run with Jerry around the stage] Okay, go around. Wow. Okay, this might be how she wants them.

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Okay. Third Golf Daddy, Second Business Daddy, first, Broadcast Daddy!

Kate McKinnon: Wow! What a coup! Jerry takes best in show!

Jerry: Best daddy! I did it!

[Cut to Kate]

Kate McKinnon: What an exciting daddy show. Thank you for joining us. I don’t have a name. Goodnight.

[Ends with Outro]

Weekend Update Colin Jost and Michael Che Swap Jokes | Season 44 Episode 9

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his new set. There’s a picture of cookie dough at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: The CDC is warning people not to eat raw cookie dough, because it may contain germs that can cause severe diarrhea. But on the bright side, you can eat cookie dough without gaining weight. In and out.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture logo of Boy Scouts of America at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: It was reported that the boy scouts of America are considering filing for bankruptcy in the face of declining membership. Yeah, apparently there’s some problem with their business model of hoping parents will pay adult strangers to take their children deep into the woods. [The picture changes to ‘the Sex Island’] The occasion of Sex Island, that’s a terrible transition. Didn’t know that would be back to back. That’s a weird batch to get. The location of sex island, which is a four-day drug fueled event featuring prostitutes at an exclusive resort has been revealed to be an island off the coast of Trinidad and Tobago, this according to the plane ticket I saw in [Picture of Michael Che dressed for party with a luggage and ticket in his hand] Che’s hands.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: See you there!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of snakes at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Firefighters in Texas saved more than 100 snakes including pythons and boa constrictors from a burning home, said the homeowner, “Cool, so where is my wife?” [The picture changes to a logo picture of Avenue Q] It was announced the Broadway musical “Avenue Q” about raunchy puppets will close in the spring after 15 years. But if you still want to see raunchy puppets, just head to Times Square and [Picture changes to Elmo] watch Elmo kick a pigeon.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of frogs at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: A new study finds that frogs in the rain forests have a higher pitch called an urban frogs. Study also finds that female frogs be shopping. [Cut to Colin jost and Michael Che. Colin is laughing] I’ll stand by that joke.

Colin Jost: Since Christmas is coming up, Che and I have decided that our gifts to each other this year would be jokes.

Michael Che: Yes, so we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

[Cheers]

Colin Jost: You want me to go first?

Michael Che: Yes, I do.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Christian cross at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Okay. A church in Massachusetts created a nativity scene that comments on the immigration debate by placing the baby Jesus in a cage. Where he belongs.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of mobile phoneat the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: A new study shows that the average American touches their mobile device more than 2,000 times a day. “Only 2,000 times”, said my Penis.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mohammadu Buhari at the left top corner of the screen][Colin Jost can’t stop laughing looking at Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Oh god. Nigeria’s president Mohammadu Buhari for the first time denied months older where he had died and been replaced by a lookalike from Sudan. See, Arficans can’t tell black people— [Colin Jost can’t complete his joke laughing] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of hurricane from bird eye view at the right top corner of the screen][Michael Che is acting as if he can’t believe what Colin just said]

Michael Che: A new report shows that hurricane Florence was the wettest hurricane in history, the previous record for wetness was set on the opening night of [Picture changes to Magic Mike cover picture] “Magic Mike”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rosa Parks at the left top corner of the screen][Colin can’t stop laughing]

Colin Jost: This is on cards. I want to switch it up a little. Che didn’t write this one. This is all me. Last week was National Rosa Parks day or as we call it in my house upady-bus-passenger day.

[Cut to Colin and Michael. They both can’t stop laughing.]

Michael Che: Merry Christmas everybody. Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Weekend Update Trump Worries About Impeachment | Season 44 Episode 9

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in news set]

Colin Jost: Hi,  everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump in the left top corner of the screen] Well, this last week was a pretty bad year for Donald Trump. Think about what’s currentily under investigation for him. Trump’s campaign, his transition, his inauguration, his business and his presidency. So everyone check your cards, because you might have [The picture changes to a bingo game] impeachment bingo. In fact, [The picture changes back to Trump] Trump has reportedly told people close to him that he’s worried he will get impeached. And by people close to him, I, of course, mean [The picture changes to Sean Hannity] Sean Hannity and [A picture of KFC logo appears] Colonel Sanders. [The picture changes back to Trump] This is a lot of legal trouble for any president. I mean I’m not lawyer but neither is [The picture changes to Michael Cohen] Trump’s lawyer. This week Michael Cohen was sentenced to three years in prison and he claimed he only committed his crimes out of a blind loyalty to Trump but Cohen was clearly a crook before he met Donald Trump. You know how I know? He was hired by Donald Trump. The only questions on a Trump job application are [Picture changes to a job applications with two questions] do you do crimes? And wanna do more?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: President Trump responded to Michael Cohen’s sentencing by tweeting – [Cut to the full screen of tweet] “I never directed Michael Cohen to break the law.” That’s my Trump. “He was a lawyer and he is supposed to know the law.” [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right top corner of the screen] Fair, but you know who else is supposed to know the law? The frigging president of the United States! I can’t get past that. I mean, the pope should know the bible. Santa should know the meaning of Christmas. The president should know the law. Dude, we’re paying you money for this. Am I bugging? Am I crazy?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of inaugural committee event in the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Not because of this. Federal prosecutors in New York are investigating whether president Trump’s inaugural committee some of the $107 million they raised for the event, which I assume they blew on Photoshop. [The pictures has a lot more people in the event now] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Michael Cohen at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: I mean he’s the president. He’s got to know the law. Doctors know medicine. Araby’s know he meat. If I tell you I’m an astronaut and you ask me about the moon and I say “The moon?” It’s been confirmed that Trump was in the room with Michael Cohen and the publisher of the ‘National Enquirer’ when they discussed covering up Trump’s alleged affairs. Which alleged affairs is a very dignified way to say raw dog and porn stars.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of budget meeting in the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: President Trump also held a contentious budget meeting at the White House this week with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. If you missed it, just go to a Denny’s and watch three grandparents fight over the check. [The picture changes to Trump and Schumer] After the meeting Schumer said that Trump “Lives in a cocoon of his own mistruth”. Dude, just call him a liar. Democrats keep using this flowery language. They forget they’re talking to a country where most people share their opinion through pictures of fire [Picture changes to fire emoji] or a dukie with eyeballs. [Picture changes to poop emoji] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Former New Jersey governor Chris Christie has taken himself out of the running to be the performant White House Chief of Staff. Also taking Chris Christie out of the running, side cramps.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bet Rorke at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: A new poll shows the front funner for the 2020 democratic nomination is Bet Rorke, followed by [Picture changes to Joe Biden] Joe Biden, then [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] Bernie Sanders and then [Picture changes to Oparah] Oparah, then [Picture changes to Lena Dunham] Lena Dunham and then the [Picture changes to Porno Lawyer] Porno Lawyer, and then [Picture changes to a Chai Latte in a pants suit] a Chai Latte in a pants suit, and then [Picture changes to a DVD boxed set of ‘A West Wing’] a DVD boxed set of ‘A West Wing’ and my personal favorite, [Picture changes to Barack Obama in a mustache] Barack Obama in a mustache.