Late Night Battle | Season 44 Episode 2

Dance Crew (Mikey Day, Ego Nwodim, Chris Redd, Kate McKinnon)

Rival group (Awkwafina, Leslie Jones, Kenan Thompson)

[Starting at the street at night]

Ego Nwodim: Yo, where the hell are they?

Mikey Day: Looks like Tiny Bigs and her crew are just a bunch of no shows.

Chris Redd: Yeah man, let’s dip. Yeah.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny on nerdy outfit coming to challenge them with her two friends]Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, hold up. You guys already scurred?

Leslie: They better be. We the Tiny Big crews after all.

Fontein Jackson: And we came to slay.

Tiny: Yeah, they’re going to die tonight.

Chris Redd: Yo, why don’t you say that to my face?

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] I just did dumb ass, your face was there.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day and Chris Redd] Yo, Baby Teeth, tell him the rules.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] What kind of name is baby teeth, dude?

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth and Ego Nwodim] I got one baby tooth and it ain’t going nowhere.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Respect, respect.

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd] You know the rules, typical dance battle. We dance, you dance. We win, you go home crying.

Fontein Jackson: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie, Fontein Jackson flipping his knife] You sure about that?

Tiny: Hey, hey, hey, put that away, Fontein Jackson. We don’t need knives. We’ll slice them up with our dance moves.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day and Chris Redd] You wish. Let’s get it.

[Chris Redd starts music on a boombox player and starts the dance battle, ends the dance with a Fortnite move and a dab]

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Okay, so at that level. All right. Prepare to be served.

Leslie: Yeah, get ready for this three-course meal.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, complete with Amuse-bouche!

Tiny: Let’s get that ahead.

[Fontein Jackson starts their boombox music player playing old music and dance funnily, ending with a dab]

Chris Redd: Did ya’ll just bust moves to ‘the price is right’ thing?

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Yeah, hell yeah we did.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, because we winners.

Leslie: Like on the game show.

Tiny: Jealous?

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd] I mean it made sense to me, but I’m stupid.

Mikey Day: Trying to confuse us, throw us off our game.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, Tiny Bigs is notorious for that.

Mikey Day: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We jut got to bring it. Yo, come on. Some freestyle.

[Chris Redd plays the music and carries on the dance battle] [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie]

Fontein Jackson: You see that Tiny?

Tiny: I did Fontein Jackson. That was what you call some weak sauce.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, like a watery ass marinara.

Leslie: Or even alfredo.

Tiny: Let’s show them how to thicken it up. Choke on this!

[Fontein Jackson starts their boombox music player playing old music and dance funnily] [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd]

Ego Nwodim: Was that a wrong answer side effect at the end?

Chris Redd: It sure was, and it only punctuated how next level they are.

Baby Teeth: Guys they’re raising the bar. We got to be twice as good.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Good luck with that because we brought a secret weapon.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah. Little Bang Bang! Get down here.

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Chris Redd: Wait, Little Bang Bang?

Baby Teeth: He was a backup dancer on the 2014 Mariah Carey tour.

Little Bang Bang: Yeah! [Cut to Travis Scott as Little Bang Bang joins the team] All right. It’s time to end this. But first, I want to be clear with you all. You all corny.

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Chris Redd: Corny?

Ego Nwodim: What?

Mikey Day: Band Bang Yo!

Baby Teeth: You don’t stand a chance.

[Cut to Tiny, Little Bang Bang, Fontein Jackson, and Leslie]

Little Bang Bang: Hit it.

[Fontein Jackson plays baby music that Little Bang Bang dances to]

Leslie: How are you all going to respond to that?

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Mikey Day: Yo, how can we?

Tiny: Looks like we won. Boom! Boom!

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah. That’s undeniable.

Fontein Jackson: You know what? Why don’t we all just kick it together?

Cleopatra | Season 44 Episode 2

Cleopatra (Cecily Strong)

Isis (Awkwafina)

Becky (Kate McKinnon)

Xerxes (Kenan Thompson)

[History channel intro playing]

Voiceover: You’re watching the History channel. At 8, it’s World War I. At 9, it’s World War II lost in New York. But now we return to The Hidden Tales of Egypt.

[Cut to Empress Cleopatra, her messenger, and two servers inside an ancient Egypt castle]

Messenger: Empress Cleopatra, your beauticians are here.

Empress: Send them in.

Isis: Hi. Oh my god, I’m sorry we’re late. Got stuck for hours in pyramid construction.

Empress: Excuse me?

Isis: Okay wait, sorry. Call me because I just came in here with like awful play.

Hi, I’m Isis. Normal name. I’m going to be doing your make-up today and these are my assistants. [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] Xerxes and Becky.

Xerxes: What’s up you duddy horses?

Becky: Hi. I love the look you vibe in here. [Whispering] I’m lying.

Isis: Ignore her. Becky’s whole thing is like she’s a nightmare. So what are we thinking for tonight?

Empress: I’m a queen. I don’t concern myself with matters of appearance.

Isis: Okay. I am down for a natural look but for me, and I’m a fan, I walked in here and thought ‘Oh god, she looks like a hot Mesopotamia’.

Xerxes: [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] Yes, give us something. Anything.

Becky: Yeah, I want to be like “Yes queen”, but now I’m kind of like “Mah  queen”.

Empress: [Cut to Isis and the Empress] You forget who you’re speaking to.

Isis: No, all I’m saying is you’re going to go out tonight and your face is going to be painted on, like a thousand vases, right?

Xerxes: [Cut to Xerxes and Becky, Xerxes showing her paint on a vase] Yeah, this was you last week at the [unintelligible 01:32]?

Empress: [Cut to Isis and the Empress] No. That’s me? Oh, I look horrible. Delete that. Delete that!

[Cut to Xerxes and Becky, Xerxes drops the vase on purpose to break it, reacting to the empress asking to delete it]

Isis: [Cut to Isis and the Empress]Look, you trust me right?

Empress: No.

Isis: Okay funny, are you a cat? Because I worship you. Come over here. [Isis holds the empress’s hand and takes her to the makeup table] Let’s try something new with your make-up.

[Cut to Isis brushing the empress]

Becky: Wow, [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] send me to a vomitorium because I’m gagging.

Xerxes: Ah, if we were hieroglyphs, this would be us right now. [Xerxes and Becky biting their tongues out]

Isis: [Cut to Isis and the Empress,]Okay, what do we think?

Empress: Wait. Me?

Isis: I love it. Bury my organs in lots of little jars because I am dead.

Empress: Wow, Okay. I could get used to this.

Isis: And we’re on our roles. Xerxes, let’s prop the hair. [Xerxes comes to the empress]

Xerxes: Okay, how do you feel about extensions?

Empress: Oh, not for me. No.

Xerxes: Okay, good. Because it’s a full wig. [Becky comes to the empress with a wig]

Empress: Wait, is that my hair?

Becky: You’re welcome.

Xerxes: Yeah. And just so you know, I work with with her and not for her.

Isis: And what do you think?

Empress: Wow, amazing!

Xerxes: I am officially perfection.

Empress: Okay wait. So is this my look everyday?

Isis: Yes, this is everyday. This is errand. This is brunch. This is executions.

Empress: Well I love, okay? Thank you.

Emperor: Well babe, been waiting in this chariot forever.

Empress: Get out. I’m getting ready. What do you think?

Emperor: About what?

Empress: My hair, my make up.

Emperor: Why, is it different?

Empress: Yes.

Emperor: It’s good, I guess.

Empress: Shut up, you spoil me. Let me get dressed.

Emperor: Um, Megan, snap me. We got Rezzies.

Isis: Okay, you guys are cute.

Empress: We fight but the sex is insane.

Voiceover: [Ending intro playing] This has been the Hidden Tales of Egypt.