Weekend Update Angel Reacts to Good Holiday News | Season 44 Episode 9

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

Tommy… Matt Damon

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: With the holidays coming up, everyone can use a little cheer. Here with “Weekend Update’s” good news report is every boxer’s girlfriend from every movie about boxing ever, please welcome Angel.

[Angel comes in]

Angel: Hi Michael.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Hi Angel, how are you?

Angel: You know,I’m hanging in there.

Michael Che: You have any big holidays plan?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Yeah, well, you know, Tommy’s got a big fight coming up on Christmas so I guess the only thing he will be getting from Santa is a concussion.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: He’s boxing on Christmas?

Angel: Not as far as I’m concerned. [Cut to Angel] I mean Tommy can get his sleigh bell rung all he wants but if he goes to that fight, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Okay, Angel.

Angel: You hear me, Michael, the kids, I’m taking them to my sister’s.

Michael Che: All right, well here’s some good holiday news. How about that? Tyler Perry made headlines this week when he paid off over $400,000 in Walmart layaways.

Angel: [Disappointed] Oh–

Michael Che: What? What’s wrong with that?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: I mean, what are you doing, Tyler Perry? You think you’re some hero, paying for people’s Christmas presents? Well, my kids already got their Gronk jerseys. What they need is their father. So unless you’re gonna be there on Christmas morning to say hello, then my biggest family reunion will be missing a few people, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Okay. All right.

Angel: All right? That’s where we will be on Christmas, Michael. At 343 Donnie Wahlberg Way.

Michael Che: Let’s just change the subject. You’ll like this. ‘Creed II’ has made over $100 million at the box office. Did you get to see it?

Angel: [Disappointed] Aww—

Michael Che: What did I say now?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Oh, if you think for a second I’m taking my kids to see Creed’s kids fight Drago’s kids and not my sister’s kids and my sister, then you lost your damn mind, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s!

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Come on, Angel, everybody loves another ‘Rocky’ movie.

Angel: Oh, yeah, [Cut to Angel] how many more sequels? Which one is enough? Michael B. Jordan? Nah, Michael be needing his Catheter changed three times a week. All right?

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Angel, it’s just a movie.

Angel: Oh, Michael, you think it’s a movie—until it’s your life.

Tommy: Angel! [Tommy comes in] Angel!

Angel: Oh, my god! Tommy, [Cut to Angel and Tommy] what are you doing here?

Tommy: I can ask you the same thing. You said you were taking the kids to your sister’s.

Angel: Yeah, yeah, well, I did. And then I came here, to my job. I’m doing the news now for Michael Che. [Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy. Michael is confused.] And it turns out I’m pretty good at it.

Tommy: What? [Cut to Angel and Tommy] Now you’ve been on ‘Update’, you think you’re better than me?

Angel: Yeah, Tommy, I do.

Tommy: Look, I may have been born in the back of the cheers bar, but everyone knows my name, Tommy Ray Donovan, fighter and father to Mikey, Mickey, Peppens, Keno and the baby.

Angel: What do you mean?

Tommy: You’re pregnant, Angel.

Angel: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]

Michael Che: How does he know before you?

[Cut to Angel and Tommy]

Tommy: I love you so frigging much.

Angel: I love you so frigging much, Tommy! Now you go out there and punch that man until you kill him! All right?

Tommy: I will.

Angel: All right, it’s Christmas!

Tommy: That’s right.

[Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]

Michael Che: Angel and Tommy, everybody!

Tommy: We’re naming the kid Gronk!

Angel: Even if it’s a girl.

Matt Damon Monologue | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Matt Damon.

[Cheers and applause] [Matt Damon enters the door and walks to the stage. He claps with the audiences.]

Matt Damon: Thank you! Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so excited to be here for the ‘SNL’ Christmas show. [Cheers and applause] Nothing beats Christmas in New York city. Except Christmas in Boston. [Laughter] Go Sox! This is actually my second time hosting the show. The first time was 16 years ago. Yeah, that is five ‘Jason Bourne’s’ ago. [Laughter] I hosted the premiere of the 28th season. It was actually so long ago, it was Fred Armisen’s first episode. And tonight is Beck’s last episode.

[Cut to Beck Bennett back stage, shocked]

Beck Bennett: I’m sorry, say what?

[Cut to Matt Damon on the stage]

Matt Damon: Oh sorry, maybe they’re gonna tell you that later. But so much has happened in the last 16 years. I got married. I have four beautiful children. [Cheers and applause] I have been able to travel the world and meet so many wonderful people doing this job that I love to do so much. And if you told me that any of this would have happened 16 years ago, well, I might have believed you. But if you told me that Ben Affleck and would I have been washing cars in Summer Ville, Maschusetts, well I would have believed that too. [Laughter]

Now, I’m not actually here tonight to promote anything. I’m herejust  because I want to be. I certainly didn’t come all this way to suck. But if I do, at least my movie won’t suffer. Because I don’t have one coming out. [Laughter]

So it really does mean a lot for me to be here tonight. Growing up, my brother and I would go to my dad’s house every other weekend. And he told us if we could stay up until 1 AM, we could watch ‘Saturday Night Live’. So week after week I tried to stay up. But it wasn’t until I was 8 years old that I made it all the way to the end. And I probably didn’t get all of the jokes. But I laughed at everything my dad laughed at. And although it was way past our bedtime, my dad knew that there was nothing more important in the world than to laugh with the people that you love. So my father passed away a year ago yesterday.

But tonight my big brother is in Boston right now, watching with his two boys and all of my kids are here, including my youngest, who happens to be 8 years old. So, my wife and I told her that yeah, she can stay up tonight until 1 AM and she can watch ‘Saturday Night Live’. And she said, “Who’s hosting?” [Laughter] And I said, “Me, your dad. Matt Damon.” And she said, “Who’s the musical guest?” [Laughter]

Now because this is the last ‘SNL’ of the year, I just wanted to propose a toast [Matt Damon gets a glass of champagne] to everyone out there watching. Here’s to closing out the year, and to an even brighter year ahead. But mostly, here’s to all of the moms and dads to let their kids stay up too late for all of the right reasons. Cheers! [Cheers and applause]

Now we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus and Mark Ronson are here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.