Political Musical | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Performer 1…..Aidy Bryant

Performer 2…..Kate McKinnon

Performer 3…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Beck Bennett

Performer 4…..Melissa Villaseñor

Audience 2…..Chris Redd

Performer 5: Alex Moffat

Audience 3…..Heidi Gardner

Audience 4…..Mikey Day

[ Images of Broadway in NYC. ]

Announcer: It’s New York City, and Broadway’s the place to be. But why not go off-Broadway where they’re not afraid to go there. [ Cut to a screen that reads “Not afraid to GO THERE.”] Introducing ‘Divided We Stand.’ [ Cut to the outside of a theatre with ‘Divider We Stand’ on the marquee. ] A new musical [ Cut to the stage where the performers are ending a song. ] that dives head first into our current political climate.

[ Cut to Performer 1 walking onto the stage holding a suitcase and shawl around herself. ]

Performer 1: Ay dios mio. My country is no good. I need, como se dice, American Dream?

Announcer: In a show that can only be described as definitely written by the actors.

Performer 1: [ She begins to sing. ] Adios Venezuela. I’m finally on my way. Bienvenidos, America. And hello, Broadway. Broadway!

Announcer: ‘Time-Out New York’ calls it [ Cut to news headlines. ] “dangerously oversimplified” and “literally helping no one.”

[ Cut to Performer 2 singing. She is sitting with Performer 3 who joins her in song. ]

Performer 2: Border control, birth control, it’s all out of control.

Performer 2 & 3: I need another cup of coffee. [ They kiss. ] [ Cut to Audience member 1 viewing the show, then responding to an interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I guess the worst part of the play was their confidence in it.

[ Cut to the stage where six women are singing. ]

Performer 1, 2, & 4: Me too, me too, and you, and you, and you. It’s happened to all of us, how do you do? Me too, me too, me too.

[ Cut to more headlines about the play. ]

Announcer: “Jesus Christ,” says the New York Times, and “I don’t need to tell you, the cast was all white.”

[ Cut to Audience 2 looking at the program while viewing the play, then he is in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 2: They wrote in the cast list what makes them diverse and one person said, “Parents divorced.” And, that’s not for me.

[ Cut to Performer 5 rapping on stage, while performer 3 is beat-boxing. ]

Performer 5: Trump blames violence on the fake news media. Rewriting history like we read Wikipedia. War, troops, and hella pollution, what’s next 3D print the Constitution?

[ Cut to Audience 2 walking out on the play. ]

Announcer: Playbill.com writes “I was wondering why one guy had three separate raps and then I realized he was also the director.”

[ Cut to Audience 1 at his interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I’m actually dating a girl in the show.

[ Cut to Performer 4 dressed as a sexy Statue of Liberty. She is singing. ]

Performer 4: I am the Statue of Liberty, and there’s no way you’re getting into me.

[ Cut back to Audience 1 interviewing. ]

Audience 1: Umm, I think this might be it for us.

[ Cut to the cast on stage all singing and smiling. ]

Announcer: You’ll walk away wondering whose parents paid for this?

Performer 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5: Vote with your heart. Vote with a song. Vote with the notes, sing it loud and long. Show me the cast of ballot. Yeah, we could go to the polls. But what if we just sang? What if we just sang? We don’t have to do a thing, but siiiiiiinnnnggggggg. [ Performer 1 & 2 hold the last note in an attempt to sing longer than the other. ] [ Cut to Audience 3 & 4 in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 3: I think that last song was telling us not to vote.

[ Cut to the title screen for ‘Divided We Stand’ which is the title with a broken heart behind it. The heart is filled in with the USA flag print. ]

Announcer: Now playing at the Mariska Hargitay Theatre. Tickets are $140?!

Jonah Hill Five-Timers Monologue | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Jonah Hill

…..Tina Fey

…..Drew Barrymore

…..Candice Bergen

…..Kenan Thompson

[ The SNL main stage where the house band is playing. ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Hill.

[ Jonah Hill walks out to center stage. ]

Jonah: Hey. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. I am so thrilled to be back here at Saturday Night Live hosting for more my fifth time. That’s right. TOnight I am joining the five-timers club among SNL royalty, like, Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Justin Timberlake. I mean this has been a dream of mine since the fourth time I hosted. But I am honestly looking forward to getting the five-timers jacket. Maybe there’s matching pants, I don’t know.

[ Tina Fey walks onto stage. ]

Tina Fey: Hey Jonah! [ They greet with a hug and cheek kisses. ] Okay. It’s a big night. Wow, you look so nice. Don’t mind me. Was it hard walking down here in your heels? No, just me? Anyway, welcome to the Five-Timers Club.

Jonah: Oh my God, thank you fellow five-timer.

Tina Fey: Ahh, don’t say it, just be it. And listen when we get to the five-timers lounge, just, be cool.

Jonah: Oh my God, we’re going to the five-timers lounge?

Tina Fey: Jonah! [ She motions for him to take it down a notch. ]

Jonah: Right, sorry. Let’s go. You got it. [ They walk off stage together. ] [ Cut to a door that says ‘Five Timers Club’ on it. ] [ Jonah and Tina Fey walk through the door into the lounge. ]

Tina Fey: Alright, Jonah. Here it is, the Five-Timers Club.

[ Drew Barrymore and Candice Bergen are waiting in the lounge wearing Five-Timers blazers like the one Tina Fey has on. ]

Jonah: Wow, Drew Barrymore, Candice Bergen, I can’t believe it. Amazing.

Drew Barrymore: You get your butt in here, Jonah.

Candice Bergen: Welcome to the Five-Timers Club, Seth.

Jonah: Oh no, I’m not Seth Rogen. No, I’m actually Jonah Hill.

Candice: And that’s not the same guy?

Jonah: Ha, ha. Hazing the new guy. I know you’re very familiar with my work, Candy.

Candice: Sure.

Jonah: So it’s, uh, kind of a light turn-out is it? Ladies night or something?

Drew: What do you mean?

Jonah: No, I…I was just, like, wondering where, where all the men are?

Tina: Oh the guys? Oh they’re not allowed in right now ‘cause it turns out they’re all a bunch of horny perverts. Time’s up on that.

Drew: Yeah, we have to be very careful about which famous men we let in here.

Jonah: You’re kidding, yeah?

Drew: It’s like Tom Hanks, Woody from Toy Story. [ She imitates Woody. ] “There’s a snake in my boot.” Yeah, I think we all know what that means.

Tina: And Steve Martin was always like, ‘Mind if I play the banjo?’ And then he would just like start playing. Like, no consent.

Candice: And Justin Timberlake ripped a lady’s top off at the Super Bowl. I mean, did anybody else see that?

Jonah: Bummer. Hey, this is still great. This is still good.

Drew: Alright, let’s get this party started. Do you wants something to drink?

Candice: Oh, hey. Uh, or smoke?

Jonah: No, I’m good. I’m about to host. I want to stay sharp for the show.

Candice: Ha ha. Cool, nerd. Uh, last time I hosted, I was blacked out. Oh speaking of which, I need a refill. Uh, can I get another Pete Davidson, please.

Jonah: What’s a Pete Davidson?

Candice: Well, all I know is it’s got a lot going on but it gets the job done.

[ Kenan Thompson walks out holding a drink. ]

Kenan: Here you go Candy.

Candice: Thanks, Kenan.

Jonah: Wait, Kenan, they let you in here sometimes?

Kenan: Ha, yeah man, this is my show. I let you in here sometimes. [ He takes Candice’s empty glass and walks off stage. ]

Drew: Alright, Jonah, in honor of you we all chose our favorite sketch of yours. [ She grabs a remote and points it at the TV. ] [ Cut to a sketch between Jonah and Cecily Strong. ]

Jonah (sketch): Okay, okay, okay. I did it. I clogged the toilet and then later in the day, I went on top of the clog.

Jonah: I did more than just bathroom humor.

Candice: But that’s where you shined.

Jonah: You guys are so fun. I am so excited. I just want a jacket right now.

Drew: Wait, you wanna do what?

Jonah: No, no! I want a jacket. A jack-et. A Five-Timers Jack-et!

Tina: Jonah, you gotta be careful. Alright, let’s get this guy a jacket.

Candice: Uh, Kenan! [ Kenan walks back on stage with a Five-Timers jacket. ]

Drew: And you’re in luck, because, uh. We just came up with a brand new design this year. [ Kenan removes Jonah’s jacket and puts the new jacket on Jonah. ]

Jonah: Oh wow. [ The jacket is like the others but with a lot more sequins. ]

Tina: Yes, yes. [ She helps Jonah button the jacket. ] It’s official. Let’s make it official.

Jonah: Is this, is this like a women’s jacket?

Tina: Any jacket can be a women’s jacket. It’s 2018. Okay? Plus, it looks really cute on you.

Jonah: Is it like flattering?

Drew: Are you kidding? You’re crushing it.

Candice: I’d hit that.

Jonah: Wow, thank you, Candy. I’m truly excited. We got a great show for you here tonight. Maggie Rogers is here. Just stick around and we’ll be right back.