Eddie Murphy Monologue

Eddie Murphy

Tracy Morgan

Chris Rock

Dave Chappelle

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Eddie Murphy!

[band playing music] [Eddie Murphy walks to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Audience: Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie Murphy: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. It’s great to be back here, finally hosting “Saturday Night Live” for Christmas. [cheers and applause] This is the last episode of 2019, if you’re black, it is the first episode since I left back in 1984. It has been really long time. Here’s actually a picture of me back when I started.

[Cut to old picture of Eddie Murphy] [Cut to Eddie Murphy on stage]

Wow, I look at least five years younger there. You know what they say, money don’t crack. But so much has changed. I just had a new baby incidentally about a year ago. [cheers and applause] I actually have 10 kids now. 11, if you count Kevin Hart. I’m teasing. I love Kevin Hart so much but my kids are my whole life now. And if you would have told me 30 years ago that I would be this boring stay at home, you know, father of 10 house dad and Bill Cosby would be in jail, I would have took that bet. “Who is America’s dad now?” I also have a movie on Netflix called “Dolomite Is My Name.” And we just finished a sequel to “Coming to America” as well. And if you’re wondering why I’ve been working so hard lately, it’s because 10 kids are very expensive.

[Tracy Morgan walks in]

Tracy Morgan: Yo!

Eddie Murphy: Tracy Morgan, ladies and gentlemen.

Tracy Morgan: Welcome home.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah! Its good to be here.

Tracy Morgan: You knew I wasn’t gonna miss this show for all the tea in Arizona. Did you get the sketch I wrote for you?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah. The Jimmy Walker story.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! It’s called Dy-no-mite Is My Name.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah. I don’t know if we’re going to do that, Dy-no-mite Is My Name.

Tracy Morgan: Well, whatever you need, I got your back. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. Like, literally, I was conceived on the “Delirious” tour bus.

Eddie Murphy: You know, that math doesn’t really add up.

[Chris Rock walks in]

Chris Rock: He, hey, man.

[cheers and applause]

Eddie Murphy: Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen. Chris Rock, what are you doing here?

Chris Rock: Common man, I would not miss this show for the world. My kids love Lizzo.

[audience laughing]

Eddie Murphy: Hey! My kids love Lizzo too.

Chris Rock: Okay but, did you get my sketch?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah, that “Law and Order” UTI sketch?

Chris Rock: Yeah, yeah. Instead of ice tea, it’s cranberry juice.

Eddie Murphy: That sounds kind of nasty for a Christmas show.

[Dave Chapelle walks in]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, hey.

[cheers and applause]

Eddie Murphy: Dave Chapelle! Dave Chappelle’s ladies and gentlemen. What a moment. What a moment we’re having.

Dave Chappelle: Well, did you get my sketch?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah!

Dave Chappelle: It’s the one where TI has the drive through gynecology clinic.

Eddie Murphy: I don’t get it.

Dave Chappelle: It’s stupid. He just says stuff like, “I will check your Hammond expeditiously.” You know, I followed your blue print for my entire career.

Eddie Murphy: Did you?

Dave Chappelle: Yeah, yeah. Became the biggest staron television. And then I quit.

Eddie Murphy: Oh, all right. [4 takes a cigarette out and lights it] Hey, I did not know you could smoke on stage.

Dave Chappelle: You can’t.

Eddie Murphy: Oh! See, this is why I came back to “Saturday Night Live,” for moments like this. When was the last time we was all together like this?

Chris Rock: Last Thursday at Sinbad’s house.

Dave Chappelle: Right, man. Oh, you’re looking at half of Netflix’s budget right here.

Chris Rock: Thanks, Netflix.

Eddie Murphy: Thanks, Netflix.

Tracy Morgan: Not me, not me. I made all my money on the road.

Eddie Murphy: You mean touring?

Tracy Morgan: No, I got hit by a truck.

Eddie Murphy: Okay. Well, I’m glad you’re all here to support me. And I appreciate it.

Dave Chappelle: That’s the least we can do, man.

Chris Rock: That’s right. I remember when I got hired, Lorne told me, “You’re gonna be the next Eddie Murphy.” And then a year later, he said, “No, you’re not.”

[Beck Bennett walks in]

Beck Bennett: You said it, Chris Rock. And just to piggy back–

[Kenan Thompson walks in and pushes Beck Bennett away]

Kenan Thompson: No, we’re good on that.

[cheers nd applause]Sorry about that fellas. Please continue.

Chris Rock: Who the hell was that?

Tracy Morgan: Joe Piscopo.

Eddie Murphy: Hey, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Lizzo is here.

[cheers and applause]

I’m back. Don’t turn the channel. We’ll be right back.

Holiday Baking Championship

Alex Moffat

Claudia… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Mitch… Eddie Murphy

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Holiday Baking Championship intro]

Announcer: We now return to the holiday baking championship.

[Cut to the show]

Host: All right, Bakers. It’s time to show your holiday creations to the judges. Today’s theme was Christmas past. You had to hours to make cakes based on childhood memories. First up is home baker, Claudia.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Hi judges, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Merry Christmas to you. Sweetie, why don’t you tell us what you made today.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: My cake is a tribute to my father who gave my daughter her favorite Christmas memory by taking her to see the movie Frozen. So my cake is beautiful Elsa made from peppermint sponge cake. And her hair do is made from over Host,000 braided strands of icing. And I’m not gonna ‘let it go’ because I want to win.

[Cut to Ego and Beck]

Ego: Wow. That sounds very ambitious. Let’s see your cake.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: With pleasure.

[Claudia reveals her cake. It looks horrible.]

Ego: Claudia!

Claudia: Yeah. Now that it’s in the light, I see that it’s bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Yeah, sweetie, it kind of looks like it has some kind of DNA problem.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: I would love to say that’s intentional.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: Well, let’s taste it.

[the judges take a bite]

Beck: Oh, is there garlic in this?

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Probably. At one point I blacked out and I started making pasta. Just forget it. It’s bad. I’m bad.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh! That’s unfortunate. Next up is Mitch.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here. I want to say that you look so much more attractive in person.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Thanks. Who’s your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: My children have grown up in Napa. One of my favorite memory is playing video games on Christmas mornings. So cake is that speedy rascal Sonic the Hedgehog. It is made from royal icing and the shoes are made from hot cinnamon and the speed lines are red licorice.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Wow, really interesting flavor profile.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I only get one shot at this and I didn’t want to hedgehog my bets.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I love that you came to play. Let’s see it.

[Mitch reveals his cake. It looks horrible and its brown in color.]

Beck: Good god, Mitch.

Mitch: That’s bad. It’s gross. Real bad.

Ego: What went wrong?

Mitch: I think I just made a lot of bad choices. I mean in general in my life.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And why is it brown, Mitch?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I don’t know. Why is anything brown?

[Cut o Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Land are those human teeth in its mouth?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s correct. The teeth are human.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, hopefully things went better for you.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: No complaints. My Christmas memory is watching Frosty with my grandma. And here he is, all come to life.

[Sandy reveals her cake. It looks really good.]

So what do you think?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: That’s frosty all right.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? Hang on. My cake is definitely better than his. I mean, look. It’s on fire!

[Cut to Mitch’s cake. Its literally on fire.]

Mitch: Is that true? I think it is trying to kill itself.

[the cake is speaking something] [Cut to the judges]

Ego: I’m sorry, Mitch. What is that language it’s speaking?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s some evil backwards devil talk. I believe I opened up a portal and I am so bad at baking.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Should we destroy it?

[Cut to Mitch’s cake speaking in old lady voice]

Mitch’s cake: No. Please don’t hurt me. I love you.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: What is that voice?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: It is in your grandmother’s voice to trick and you drag you to hell.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: That’s very disturbing. At least you took risks.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Excuse me?

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Ralph. What is your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My favorite Christmas memory is Cinderella.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: That doesn’t quite make sense but let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. The castle looks like penis.] [Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Festive but what are those things on the side?

[cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s her penis castle, of course. That’s where Cinderella goes when she’s tired from all the balls.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Well, we have another tough decision to make.

[Cut to Sandy and Mitch]

Sandy: That’s incorrect.

[Mitch’s cake speaks something]

Mitch: Thank you pal, we can still win this thing.

[Cut to Host]

Host: We’ll be back the judge’s decision right after this.

Weekend Update: Christmas Joke Swap 2019

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his neews set. There’s a picture of a live performance on left top corner]

Colin Jost: The singer, Jason Derulo, who plays Rum Tum Tugger in the movie Cats said the film makers digitally edited out his bulge. Even stranger, they edited it on to Judy Dench.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of The Star Wars logo at right top corner]

Michael Che: The new Star Wars surprised fans by featuring the the gay kiss, which seems pretty tame considering the first movie had incest.

[Cut to Colin Jost There’s a picture of JetBlue airplane on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in California was kicked off a jet blue flight after bringing his pet possum on to the plane. [picture changes to Spirit airlines] While at spirit airlines, that’s what falls down when you need an oxygen mask.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of The Star Merriam-Webster page at right top corner]

Michael Che: Merriam-Webster announced the gender neutral pronounce they is the word of the year. As in ‘they’ don’t want me to make a joke about this.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Tonight is our Christmas show. We have a tradition where Che and I like to give each other jokes to read.

Michael Che: Yeah. We’re making each other read the jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: And the idea this year is to make it fun and not try on ruin anyone’s career or get them stabbed on the subway or back stage at the Eddie Murphy show.

Michael Che: We’ll see what happens. You go first.

Colin Jost: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Pete Buttigieg at left top corner.]

Recent polls showed that Pete Buttigieg has only 4% support among African-Americans but that will I can change once Pete announces his running mate, the Popeye’s chicken sandwich.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Andrew and Jefrey Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow! A new interview with England’s prince Andrew is being called a total disaster after he said his friend Jeffrey Epstein conducted himself in a manner unbecoming. I don’t know. What I’ve read, it sounded like he be coming all the time. Well. That was terrible.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Babe Ruth swinging the baseball bat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The bat used by Babe Ruth to hit his 500th home run was auctioned off this week. Also I’ll be auctioning off the bat I used to keep m neighborhood white.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Researchers are testing a new method to treat cancer by inject the cells with the herpes virus. So good news if you’ve ever had sex with me, you might have been cured for cancer. Oh, man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a butterfly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Okay. it says time-out. I refuse to read this last joke. Not because it’s racist but because there is a black man holding my cue card. [Michael Che laughing] I confess, I can’t work like this. Merry Christmas home boy. You’re fired.

Michael Che: You fired man on Christmas, Colin!

[Colin Jost laughing]

Weekend Update: Gumby Returns

Colin Jost

Gumby… Eddie Murphy

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Meanwhile, senator Mitch McConnell fresh off his cameo in the new Star Wars movie, he responded to Pelosi’s delay in sending the articles of impeachment saying, “Hey, fine with me.”

Gumby: Hold, stop the press right now.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

[Gumby walks in] [cheers and applause]

Gumby: What the hell is going on here? Give me a chair. I wanna sit down here, you bastard.

Colin Jost: Ladies and gentlemen, its Gumby!

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: They know who the hell it is. I am Gumby, dammit!

[Cut to Gumby and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What are you doing here?

Gumby: What am I doing here? The question, Michael Che, is how the hell are you going to put on a show and not have me in the show until now? I should have been in the every damn sketch from the top. [Cut to Gumby] I am the one that made Eddie Murphy a star. He was just a regular corn boy till I saw him.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby, and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, we just thought people wouldn’t know who you were.

Gumby: How the hell are people not gonna know who I am? I am Gumby, dammit! [Cut to Gumby] Let me tell you something. I saved this damn show from the gutter. And this is the thanks that I get for saving the show? Shame on you Lorne Michaels. Shame on you NBC. Shame on you.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Alrignt. Gumby, just calm down.

Gumby: Don’t tell me to calm down, trailer boy. [Michael Che laughing] [Cut to Gumby] I got to listen to this black bastard telling me that people won’t remember who I am? Do you know why you two are behind this desk? Because your jokes don’t have legs, you Schmucks.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che] I pass kidney stones with more personality than the two of you.

Michael Che: That’s a little rude.

Gumby: Face it, kid. Both of you together couldn’t Velcro my sneakers.

Michael Che: Well, you’re not exactly a Christmas character.

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: What the hell do you mean I’m not a Christmas character? Look at me! I’m green. I’m green and all the children love me. The kids love me. I’m a Christmas character, you jerk.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che. Gumby had a cigar in his hand.]

Colin Jost: Hey, Gumby. I just want to point out. You’re not allowed–

Gumby: Give me a match, I want to smoke this cigar.

Colin Jost: Yeah, you’re not allowed to smoke in here.

Gumby: Don’t tell me not to smoke, headshot. [Cut to Gumby] I do what I want to do. I am Gumby, dammit. I am Gumby. I want to smoke a Cigar, I smoke a cigar. [Cut top Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che] I smoke a cigar!

Michael Che: What about your horse, pokey?

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: You have the nerve to sit there and bring up the name pokey? He’s in the glue factory for all I care. I don’t believe this. I make my triumph of return, and you’re talking about a can of dog food? How did you even get this job? What? You win a radio contest or something?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: I guess you’re not enjoying the show then, huh?

Gumby: No, that’s not true. I did enjoy some of the show. I liked that sing– What’s the tush.

Colin Jost: You mean Lizzo.

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: Yeah, That Libbo who, huzza, buzza, pubba. I like her. She’s a real beauty. And you know, colored girls don’t usually do that for me.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Gumby. That’s extremely prejudice.

Gumby: Hey! Don’t you try to make me out to be a racist, Che. You black bastard. I am, Gumby.

Michael Che: So you want to stay out here or what?

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: No. I have to get going. It’s too late now. You should have used me. You waste me. I’m going. I’m an old man. I got to get to bed because I got to get up early and take my morning dump.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Gumby, everybody!

Gumby: I am Gumby, and in the morning I take a dump.

Michael Che: I know.

Gumby: I am staying here. Don’t pack me you bastard, I’m staying. The people love to see me. All right, all right, I’ll go.

Colin Jost: Gumby, everyone!

Weekend Update: Jeanine Pirro on Fox News Handling Trump’s Impeachment

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Michael  Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Now that president Trump has been impeached, his supporters on Fox news are pushing hard to dismiss it. Here to comment on that is Fox news personality Jeanine Pirro.

[cheers and applause] [Jeanine Pirro joins in]

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you Colin. What a wonderful time of year. To my Christian friends, I want to say, Merry Christmas. And to all of you Jewish and Muslim folks out there, I said Merry Christmas.

Colin Jost: Ms. Pirro, you don’t have to yell so loud. I’m right here.

Jeanine Pirro: Sorry Colin, [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] mama only speaks with the same volume as a woman who just lost her child at the mall of America. Casey! Casey!

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hate to ask you this. but, are you drunk?

Jeanine Pirro: Colin please, I only had one glass of wine with dinner.

Colin Jost: Okay, and what did you have for dinner?

Jeanine Pirro: Two bottles of wine.

Colin Jost: See, that sounds like a lot.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, I’ve been celebrating, Colin. [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] Donald Trump has the deep state on the run. These FBI traitors thrive in the dark, but president Trump has turned on the lights and now they’re scattering like little cucarachas.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So you’re not at all worried this trial is going to hurt the president?

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, please, Colin. Devin Nunes is going to give him hell. That’s Nunes. It’s Portuguese. That Portuguese is gonna blow the lead on this whole impeachment hoax. Oh, mama!

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Actually, Devin Nunes has been accused of meeting with Russian operatives.

Jeanine Pirro: What? Oh! Oh! [Jeanine Pirro pukes all over Colin Jost] Sorry. I’ve got a bit of a winter tickle in my throat. Oopsie daisy!

Colin Jost: A winter tickle? You threw up a gallon of wine.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, then I made some room for a little apertif.

Colin Jost: Oh, no! You’re going back to drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Don’t worry, Colin. [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] It’s a little dessert wine. To celebrate the end of this impeachment which is only helping president Trump.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I hate to point this out but Fox news’ own poll now says 54% now want president Trump impeached.

Jeanine Pirro: What? OH! OH! [Jeanine Pirro pukes on Colin Jost again] I’m so sorry. Winter cold. Let me get you a napkin. [Jeanine Pirro pukes on Colin Jost again]

Colin Jost:  It’s in my mouth. Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Jeanine Pirro: Merry Christmas!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on Trump’s Impeachment

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Now here to share his thoughts on historic impeachment hearings is Pete Davidson.

[cheers and applause] [Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Hey Colin!

Colin Jost: How is it going, Pete? What’s your take on impeachment?

Pete Davidson: Oh, I just said that so you let met me come out here. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I have no idea what’s going on. I’m still trying to get through the Irishman. By the time it’s over, I’m gonna need the anti-ageing technology. Hell!

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, nothing about impeachment?

Pete Davidson: Nothing.

Colin Jost: Well, are you dating anyone?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And it’s not fair, Colin. You get to data famous woman and everyone is delighted. [Cut to Pete Davidson ] But when I do it, the world wants to punch me in the throat. What did do I? If I’m your type of guy that your daughter or mother is into, then trust me, I’m the best case scenario. There are a million guys who look like me and I’m the only one with a job. It’s like me or Tyga. It’s hard to follow Gumby. I can’t believe you let me do this during the Eddie Murphy episode. So many fans being reminded why they stopped watching.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, a lot of people remember you as the youngest person since Eddie Murphy joined the cast.

Pete Davidson: Yeah! I wish they wouldn’t. It’s mean to Eddie. [Cut to Pete Davidson] There was a time where he had been in number one movie, show and song at the same time. I don’t think there was an episode where I was in both a live sketch and a video. You’re out there Colin, [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]just rubbing elbows with the avengers. Elbows at the least. That’s my boy. That’s my boy. [Cut to Pete Davidson] When I’m done with the show, I’ll be sitting around waiting for Tash to retire. [Cut to Pete Davidson] “Hey kid, you want to see a fat kid mess up the national anthem?” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Sorry. I don’t like that guy.

Colin Jost: Pete, what are you doing for the holidays?

Pete Davidson: Oh! I’m going on a little “vacation”.

Colin Jost: Why did you put in it quotes?

Pete Davidson: You know, [Cut to Pete Davidson] the kind of vacation where insurance pays for some of it and they take your phone and shoe laces and you have roommates but it still costs like Colin Jost00 grand.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I hope you know a lot of people really care about you.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah, sure.

Colin Jost: I’m serious. I bet if I read a random tweet right now, it would be super popular.

Pete Davidson: How much? I got 30 racks. Let’s do it.

Colin Jost: You have $30,000 on you?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. What if Scarlett wants to go to lunch?

Colin Jost: Okay. I’m going to read the first tweet that I see here. A gentleman’s wager. Here’s the first one. “I don’t care if he’s crazy. I really love Pete Davidson.”

Pete Davidson: That’s nice. That makes me feel great. Let’s read one about you.

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to do that.

Pete Davidson: No, I want to because you’re just the best. “Colin Jost is so handsome, he looks like he always gets the eight hours of sheep Pete Davidson desperately needs.:

Colin Jost: Trust me, people make fun of me a lot.

Pete Davidson: Nobody does. That’s crazy. I can only picture you having sex missionary, you know? But like, I picture it a lot.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Weekend Update: President Trump Gets Impeached

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

So on Wednesday the house voted to impeach president Trump. But Nancy Pelosi refuses to send the articles to the senate until they guarantee a fair trial. So now we’re in this weird limbo where no one knows exactly what’s going on. There’s this cast of wild characters making fools of themselves. And everyone is thinking, “Please, god, just let this end.” So basically, [Picture changes to cover picture of Cats movie] it’s “Cats.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

This impeachment is a huge historic moment. And you can tell that Trump really appreciates the gravity of the situation. Because this is what he said on the day he got impeached.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]

Donald Trump: Remember the dishwasher? You press it, boom, there would be like an explosion. Five minutes later, you open it up, the steam pours out. Dishes. Now you press it Colin JostMichael Che times. Women tell me —

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Words that will echo through the ages. He’s the first president ever impeached in his first term and he launches into a rambling Yelp review of appliances. And then Trump got the crowd to do the weirdest call in response I’ve ever heard. Listen.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]

Donald Trump: Sinks. Showers. What goes with a sink and a shower?

Crowd: Toilets!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: His crowd knew the answer was toilets. They were right because in a second later, he reviewed his strange feud with it flushing. Check this out.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]

Donald Trump: Like Colin Jost0 times. Bam! Bam! Not me, of course. Not me. [Pointing at someone] You!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Some poor guy in the audience waited in line outdoors in Michigan in December to support the president. He gets inside and the president points to him, and he’s like “This guy destroys toilets.” But there was somehow an even lower point, which was when trump attacked a dead congressman, John Dingell and said he was looking up at us from hell. So obviously nobody is looking up at us from hell, because we’re already there.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald trump and Nancy Pelosi at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a letter of Nancy Pelosi, Trump claimed that he has been treated worse than those accused in a Salem Witch trials. You know, where they set women on fire for wearing pants. According to Donald Trump, impeachment is literally worse than that. I’m a little disappointed in Trump. I knew he would snap. I thought it would be fun like Tupac in 96′. This is more like Brittney in Michael Che007.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

The most interesting thing about this whole impeachment is Mike Pence, because if Trump’s out, he’s going to be the president. So, every time Trump is yelling on TV, like, “If you impeach me, it’s going to be a disaster”, Pence got to be thinking, “Well, I wouldn’t call it a disaster.” How does that not make him feel bad personally? That would be like if I tell Lorne, “You can’t fire me, then some racist would be doing Updates by himself.” [Cut to Colin Jost angrily looking at Michael Che] [Michael Che laughing]

Colin Jost: Merry Christmas, Michael.

Black Jeopardy Velvet Jones

Darnel Haze… Kenan Thompson

Rashad… Chris Redd

Kiannah… Ego Nwodim

Mr. Velvet Jones… Eddie Murphy

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Announcer: This is Black Jeopardy!

[Cut to the game show] [cheers and applause]

Darnel Haze: Alright, what up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only jeopardy that started some time between 8 and 9 o’clock. I’m your host Darnel Haze. Our contestants today are Rashad.

[Cut to Rashad] Rashad: What’s cracking?

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Kiannah!

[Cut to Kiannah]

Kiannah: Hey!

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: And Mr. Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Hi, I’m Velvet Jones.

[cheers and applause]

Darnel Haze: It says here you’re the founder of the Velvet Jones School of Technology.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: That’s right. I show ladies how to start their own business making up to $Darnel Haze,500 a week with my number one best seller, [Mr. Velvet Jones takes a book out] I want to be a ho.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Okay. Mr. Jones, this is not an infomercial and it is a little early to be talking that spicy. But, let’s take a look at our categories.

We got [Cut to the game screen] “My last nerve”, “Go on ahead then”, “I ain’t wanna say nothing but”, “I’m on break”, “What you not gonna do”, and there is always “White people.”

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Alright, Rashad, you’re our returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: Let’s go with “What you’re not going to do” for Rashad00.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: Your white friend wants to give you an elf on the shelf.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Rashad]

Darnel Haze: Rashad.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: What it is, what you not gonna do is put a holiday snitch in my house.

Darnel Haze: That’s it. The only thing I want watching me is Jesus. All right. Rashad, it’s your pick.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: Let’s stick with “What you’re not going to do.”

Darnel Haze: Alright, the answer there.

[Cut to the game screen] They say your neighbor paid $Kiannah00 for pole dancing classes.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Oh, Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: What a shame. Why spend good money on classes when you can do it for half the price in my basement? It’s all in my new book entitled, “How the Dance like a ho.”

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Well, good try, Mr. Jones. On this show we say women. You understand that, right?

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Yes. Mmm, women.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Alright, well, then it’s your turn.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Let’s go to I ain’t wanna do say nothing.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: Okay. Oh, we got a time and a half question. [Cut to Darnel Haze] This one is worth time and a half. All right. Here’s the picture.

[Cut to a picture of Grinch running in a coat]

It’s just elf running around acting like a cat nap.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Kiannah]

Darnel Haze: Kiannah.

[Cut to Kiannah]

Kiannah: What is, I ain’t wanna say nothing but movies can stay white.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Yeah, that’s right. Diversity should happen.

[Cut to the contestants]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Ha-ha. That man looks ridiculous. How is he supposed to wear — where is his three piece suit and his tiny gold chain and hi long hair? How will he ever attract good ho?

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Mr. Jones, folks on the internet are going to be upset if you keep talking like that. All right, Kiannah. It’s your pick. Let’s go to my last nerve for Rashad00.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: All right, the answer. Your girlfriend says she gotta work overtime because the holidays.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: What a wonderful opportunity for this young lady to go into business for herself. Personally, I think there’s nothing more sexy than a woman who makes her own money. And she can learn to do that with my new book entitled —

[cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Please don’t say, “Be a ho.”

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: I was not. This is called, “Ass for cash.” It is well known fact that shaking your greezy ass in front of strangers can net you up to $Darnel Haze,500 a week. It’s as simple as that.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Velvet, you know about “me too,”right?

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Of course. You like hos? Me, too.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Let’s just hear about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to show screen]

Announcer: Thanks, Darnel. Today’s black jeopardy winner will receive crab legs. It wouldn’t be mother’s day without crab legs. And by he funny pet adoption central. “Don’t go you near that dog. He funny.” And from the family of products put some water in them. Everything from spaghetti sauce to hand soap. Want more? Put some water in it. Back to you Darnel.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Yeah, put that water in it. All right. Mr. Jones. The board is still yours.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Let’s try, “What you not gonna do” for 600.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: All right. Your niece shows up for Christmas dinner in a cut off top.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Alright, Velvet Jones, and be careful.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: It’s okay. I understand. What you not gonna do is judge this woman. It’s Rashad0Darnel Haze9 and she has every right to be sexy and to show off her beauty. She is independent and she can make her own money. She doesn’t need to have sex with anyone.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Well! That’s very nice. Welcome to the modern era, Mr. Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Yeah. And it’s all in my new book entitled, “How to be an Instagram ho.”  And make  $500 a week from the comfort of your own bedroom being a strong independent Instagram ho.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: I got to say, you got a point, Mr. jones.

[music playing]

♪ always and forever ♪ >>

Darnel Haze: Well, the sound of the last dance at a black prom means that we are out of time. Let’s take a break and delete Mr. Velvet’s twitter account. But we’ll see ya’ll in a minute.

Cut for Time Aidy Bizzo & Lizzo

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Eddie Murphy

Michael Che

[Starts with three colleagues conversing]

Aidy Bryant: It’s so cool that Lizzo was on the show this week.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Cecily Strong: I know, she’s so confident.

Kate McKinnon: She embraces her raw sexual power.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: We can do that?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Well, yeah! Lizzo does it because she knows she’s a Aidy Bryant00% that bitch.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah! Why can’t I be Aidy Bryant00% that bitch?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Cecily Strong: Aidy! You are.

Kate McKinnon: Ah! You just got to know it like Lizzo does.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah!

[Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney walks in]

Beck Bennett: Oh! You guys talking about Lizzo again? Why can’t we just talk about Rock N’ Roll?

Kyle Mooney: Be cool man!

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney]

Aidy, I like your jacket.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair] Oh! You like this?

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah! It’s cool. You look good.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant] [music playing]

Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair again] Yes, I damn do! And I can see that you want to taste, don’t you, bitch?

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Hah?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Coz’ you know it’s edible, it’s incredible, and you want to dip your whole damn chip in it.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant, Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Aidy, I–

Aidy Bryant: Shh! Be aware. I ain’t no snack at all. In fact baby, I’m the whole damn meal.

[Cut to  and Kate McKinnon]

Cecily Strong: Aidy! Are you feeling okay?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant, Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, I’m feeling good as hell. Excuse me! [Walks out] [Cut to Aidy Bizzo video bumper] [Cut to Aidy Bryant in the changing room with Bowen Yang.]

Aidy Bryant: I can’t believe we’re doing this show with Eddie freakin’ Murphy hosting. I’m like, so nervous.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: You’re nervous? This is my only first season. At least he knows who you are.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: I don’t think that he does.

[Eddie Murphy walks in]

Eddie Murphy: Hey man! The TV in my dressing room is showing like, snow on all the paid channels.

Bowen Yang: Oh, Mr. Murphy! I’m not actually a maintenance man. It’s just my astronaut costume. But yeah, I can fix it.

[Eddie Murphy looks at Aidy Bryant]

Eddie Murphy: Wait a minute, Aidy! I was just telling Lorne how much I love you in sketches.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant] Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair] Sketches? Bitch I got my own show on Hulu.

[Cut to Eddie Murphy]

Eddie Murphy: Say what?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, I know you love this fat ass. It’s iconic.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: Aidy, you’re talking to a legend.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair again] Well, even legends go to church. So, you need to get to god and you need to thank him for my beautiful fat ass.

[Aidy Bryant walks away] [Cut to Eddie Murphy]

Eddie Murphy: Um, god, I know it’s been a while. But I just want to say thank you for that ass.

[Cut to a video clip where Aidy Bryant posing to a song “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo.] [Cut to Aidy Bryant at the back stage]

Michael Che: So, Aidy. I don’t know if you saw this new script, [Michael Che walks towards Aidy Bryant] but now your head explodes.

Aidy Bryant: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! Uh-huh! [Aidy Bryant takes the script from Michael Che and throws it away] [Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Tell me though, when are you gonna let me smang it?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Aidy, I don’t know what that means.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: It means I’m going to sit on your dick so hard that you die.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Aidy, you’re married.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Che, you know I don’t play tag, because I’ve been in it. So, why don’t you take my number and you can go ahead and consider those your last rides, because I’m about to destroy your thing to death.  Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay!

[Cut to Aidy Bryant and Michael Che]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, by bitch.

[Aidy goes away on director’s seat] [Cut to a video clip where Aidy Bryant posing to a song “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo.] [Cut to Aidy Bryant twerking on her colleague’s desk.]

Heidy Gardner: Oh, wow! [Cut to Chloe Fineman and Heidy Gardner] She is really going hard.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant twerking] [Cut to Chloe Fineman and Heidy Gardner]

I guess Aidy is still Lizzo-ing, huh?

Chloe Fineman: I wonder how Lizzo feels about it.

[Cut to Lizzo laughing]

Aidy Bryant: Can I be honest about something?

Lizzo: Please bitch, you must.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Sometimes it’s really hard to have an earth shatteringly gorgeous ass. And I smanged Michael to death with it.

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: May he smang in peace.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Do you ever feel like you’re only 90% that bitch?

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: No. But maybe you’re burning the ass of both ins.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yes, totally. Is it me or are we best friends?

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: Yeah! I mean I’m definitely your best friend. And, that’s great for you.

Aidy Bryant: Oh yeah, totally. [Cut to Aidy Bryant] So, I’ll leave you alone.

Lizzo: Yeah!

Aidy Bryant: Thank you so much. Bye.

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: Bye bitch!

[Cut to Aidy Bryant outside]

Aidy Bryant: Lizzo and Aidy, best friends!

Cut for Time Holiday Gig

Treece Hinderson… Kenan Thompson

Spincer Newcheris… Eddie Murphy

Brad Dates… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with three guys on stage performing music]

Treece Hinderson: Shoo boo boo doo boo, ooh.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hello Mohawk valley. So great to be invited back up state to the Pine River Lodge for the holiday jam. I’m Treece Hinderson, and we are the Treece Hinderson Trio.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Spincer Newcheris nodding his head.]

Spincer Newcheris: We putting the funk back in Mohawk

[Cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: That’s right, baby!

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: That’s right. We have a very exciting line of music playing for you. And tonight marks the first night of Hanukkah.

[Cut to all the members]

Spincer Newcheris: The festival of lights.

Brad Dates: Love lights baby.

Treece Hinderson: Yes, we all do. [Cut to Treece Hinderson] Now, before we get started, could I get a pump of gorgons, just one small squirt of gorgon’s lotion. The air is very dry and my hands are trapped. Is there a gorgon’s? Anyone? Surely someone in the audience has some kind of emoluments. Anyone? It could be Burt’s Bees or Vaseline’s. No? Any Nivea? So no lotions? I’ve asked Treece Hinderson0 times and I’m treated to silence. Thank you very much. Let’s hit it.

[Cut to the band.] [band starts playing music] [Treece Hinderson is singing a song]

Treece Hinderson: Ladies and gentlemen, I would not be standing here without the incredible talent that you see behind me. Mr. Brad Dates on jazz clearing at. Brad, you’re Jewish, right?

[cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: I’m a secular humanist treece. [starts playing his trumpet.] [Cut to all three]

Treece Hinderson: Oh, got it. And, sitting in with us tonight, dear friend and great roommate, Mr. Spincer Newcheris. Are you Jewish?

[Cut to Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Nah, man! My gem is uncut.  [starts playing his instrument.] Oh, yeah! Ow!

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: Hang on, are you okay? Are you in pain?

Spincer Newcheris: What? No, I was just feeling the music Treece.

Treece Hinderson: Oh! I’m sorry. I thought you were feeling pain from that physical problem you’ve been having.

[Cut to Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Oh, I don’t know if we’re going to talk about that right now. You know, the fans don’t want to hear about that, Treece.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: But, is it still going on? Have you seen a doctor?

Spincer Newcheris: I will when get some time, bro.

Treece Hinderson: What? I think the time is now. That should not be happening on a daily basis.

[Cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: Boundaries, Treece. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

[Cut to all three]

Treece Hinderson: But this is his health.

Spincer Newcheris: Dammit, Treece. I’m a grown ass man.

Treece Hinderson: Well, blood shouldn’t be coming out of there ever!

[drums roll and band plays music] [Treece Hinderson is singing]

Treece Hinderson: How is everybody tonight?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: Worried!

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: You’re a little bit worried. But don’t worry. We will light the menorah at midnight.

[Cut to the audience]

Mikey: Actually you light it at sundown but no, not that. We’re worried about Mr. Newcheris’ health issue.

Heidi: We’re imagining the worst.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Now see that, Treece? You started these damn rumors now.

Treece Hinderson: It is not a rumor. You were screaming in agony this morning in the bathroom.

[Cut to the audience]

Mikey: I mean, is it a kidney stone maybe?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: We don’t know what it is because he won’t go to the doctor.

[Cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: Treece, keep your eyes on your own paper, baby.

[Cut to all three]

Treece Hinderson: I could.

Spincer Newcheris: Ay! Treece! Drop it. [Cut to Spincer Newcheris] Unless you want me to tell them people about the bobby pins you wear up in your head.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: Well, that’s just so I can achieve the proper curl. Hit it!

[Drums roll] [Band playing music] [Treece Hinderson is singing]

Treece Hinderson: [singing]

Hanukkah this, Hanukkah that
it’s getting cold out, put on your Hanukkah hat

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

We hope everyone is enjoying the show. I’m not. Because of a friend’s stubbornness.] [Cut to Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Treece, I swear. [phone ringing] Hold on a second, I got a call. [speaking on the phone] Hello. This is Mr. Newcheris. Dr. Bevins? No, I’m fine. Why do you ask? Treece called you? He sent you a sample of what? A sample from who? From me? Well, how did you get that?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: Oh, oh!

Spincer Newcheris: You told him to drain my what from my where? In the night?

Treece Hinderson: Well, it was not fun for me. I’m surprised that you didn’t wake up. I had to gather it. There was a huge amount.

[Cut to Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Oh, god! Man, I ain’t never coming to see you again. You sent my room mate into my bedroom while I’m asleep to take some of my personal water?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: Ow!

[drums rolls] [music playing] [Treece Hinderson is singing]

Treece Hinderson: Now, what is your plan? What happens next.

Spincer Newcheris: Hold on a second. I’mma tell you in private, okay? Everything is fine. I don’t have it no more, baby. Why you putting that mic up on my face?

Treece Hinderson: Oh! Because I wanted to share your good news. So, what happened?

Spincer Newcheris: I passed it in my sleep.

Treece Hinderson: On my pull out bed?

Spincer Newcheris: Yeah! Stop worrying about it, okay?

Treece Hinderson: But my new coyuchi sheets!

Spincer Newcheris: What about your coyuchi sheets?

Treece Hinderson: Well, did you put them into soak?

Spincer Newcheris: No, I just put the bed back together.

Treece Hinderson: Oh! My baby blue coyuchi sheets!

Spincer Newcheris: Hell with coyuchi sheets.

[Cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: Treece, you should be happy, he’s feeling better.

[Cut to all three]

Treece Hinderson: I’ll be happy when I get some new coyuchi sheets.

[drums roll] [music playing] [Treece Hinderson is singing]

Treece Hinderson: Thank you!