Woody Harrelson’s Fashionista Monologue – SNL

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Woody Harrelson.

[Cheers and applause] [Music playing] [Woody Herrelson walks to the stage]

Woody Herrelson: Thank you. Thank you very much. What an honor to be here on this stage hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. [Cheers and applause] Now. I’ve been working for a long time and I’d like to tell you I’m the same old Woody you know and love. But never before in 34 years since the mantle of fame was thrust upon these overbroad shoulders. If I’d been what I am now, a fashionista. [Cheers] I mean look at me. [A cover page of Esquire magazine appears. Woody Harrelson is on the cover page.] I’m a darn damn cover boy.

The best dressed list is new territory for me. I’ve been on the worst dressed list many times and for good reason. You know I never, I never used to think about what I wore. I guess I was anti-fashion because it always seemed to me there were more important things to focus on. The ice is melting. The Amazon is burning. Our water, food and air polluted. But now that I’m a fashionista all that’s forgotten. Because now I care about one thing and one thing only, looking good.

So I asked my buddy Dapper Dan to realize my dream of the ultimate in evening wear. And I am not talking about this tux by the way.

[Woody starts to open his tuxedo. He’s wearing a pajamas inside.] [Cheers and applause]

Pajamas. Their time has come. Now, I’ve been an actor for a long time. I usually play murderers or the people they murder. So, I’m used to saying other people’s words. You know, I’ll even do it later in the show. You’ll see. But the monologue is the only time I’m speaking for myself. Now writers have kept offering to help me to make sure I don’t say the wrong things. But as a fashion icon, I’m poised. I don’t wear the wrong thing and I don’t say the wrong thing. [Laughter] I mean I weren’t born yesterday. I didn’t just get off the boat. Oh cheese, it’s ironic. You know, that sounds like I’m slandering immigrants. I’m not. You know I think immigrants make this country great.

[Cheers and applause]

But let’s face it, most of them, they don’t come by boat anymore. I mean they just walk right in. Right? I mean we see that every day on the news. I mean, well, Fox News anyway. Oh jeez. You know, if what I just said offended Fox News viewers I apologize. And if I heard the one Fox viewer who is also an immigrant, well, I apologize to you Madam First Lady.

[Applause]

She is an immigrant. You know, a white immigrant. But I guess that still counts. You know, but I don’t know why they’re worried about Mexico because the Chinese are taking over everything. They took over my whole house. My wife’s Asian, my daughters are Asian. And I can say this, because I’m Asian. Cauc-asian.

[Laughter]

You know me. I’m straightforward. I don’t pussyfoot around. Oh my God. I didn’t mean to say pussyfoot. I misspoke there. And if I hurt anyone who has pussy feet, I apologize to you people. No, no, I didn’t mean to say you people. I just was making it worse. Okay, so maybe let’s just skip ahead. Yeah. Next card. Next one. Keep going. Well thank God I didn’t say that. You know what? Just drop all the cards, okay?  All right. We have a great show tonight. Billy Eilish is here.

[Cheers and applause]

If you choose to stick around. We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update Disney World’s Vegan Menu – SNL

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Disney World at the top right corner.]

Michael Che: Disney announced that it’s theme parks will start selling vegan food options. Finally, something at Disney where there won’t be a line.

[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘Passenger opens exit for fresh air’]

A flight in China was delayed after a passenger opened an emergency exit door because she wanted a breath of fresh air. Which was clearly a lie because we all know China doesn’t have fresh air.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Placido Domingo at top left corner.]

Colin Jost: The New York metropolitan opera announced that singer Flacido Domingo has stepped down after accusations of sexual misconduct. He will be replaced by his far left sexually aggressive understudy [Picture changes of Flacido Domingo with angry expression] Flaccido Domingo.

[The picture changes to The national toy hall of fame.]

The national toy hall of fame has announced it’s 12 finalists for this year’s class including care bears, jenga, my little pony and longshot nominee [Picture changes to a kid with a burning match stick.] matches.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a news article that says ‘Woman trapped by camel’ with a picture of camel.]

Michael Che: A woman in Louisiana who became trapped under a camel freed herself by biting the animal’s testicles. The idea came to her after she wasted four hours licking them.

[The picture changes to a symbol of white supremacists]

A civil rights group has added 36 new symbols to it’s data base of symbols used by white supremacists, including the OK hand gesture, a moon wearing sunglasses and of course this photo. [Picture changes to Colin Jost] [Cut to Colin Jost confused. There is a picture of JUUL at top left corner.]

Colin Jost: E-cigarette maker Juul’s CEO has stepped down amid new concerns over the safety of vaping. Through keep in mind the CEO of Juul is just a can of 4 Loco with a sex addiction.

Michael Che: Whoa.

[Picture changes to an airport]

Colin Jost: A new airport has opened in China that has the world’s largest terminal and can handle 72 million passengers a year. Not to be outdone, officials at Newark just slid a coaster under a corner to keep the airport from wobbling.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

For ‘Weekend Update” I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.