Happy (Almost) Every Holiday from Adam Sandler | Season 44 Episode 19

Adam Sandler

[Starts with an announcer. It’s an old video marking SNL season 16.]

Announcer: And now here with a mother’s day song is Adam Sandler. Adam?

[Adam Sandler joins. He is palying guitar.] Adam Sandler: Thank you. Thank you. Here is a song for my mom and all the moms out there.

Mama was the one who reached down
and tied my shoelace
Mama spit on her fingers and used it
to clean dirt off my face

[Cut to video clip of Adam Sandler from season 17, Halloween costume ideas]

If you want an original scary Halloween costume, use your imagination. What’s wrong with just using your face? You can go a Squishy man. [Adam squeezes his face with his both hands] ‘Hey, I’m Squishy man. I want some candy. Give me some candy because I’m Squishy man.”

[Cut to video clip of Adam Sandler from season 18, More Halloween costume ideas]

Or, you can use a prop you have lying around the house. A newspaper is great. You can go this crazy newspaper face. [Adam puts a newspaper in his shirt’s neck hole covering his face] “I’m crazy newspaper face. And I want some candy. Give some candy to crazy newspaper face. It’s a damn newspaper.”

[Cut to video clip of Adam Sandler from season 19, Even more Halloween costume ideas]

Or use a pickle. Go as crazy pickle mustache. [Adam puts a pickle on his lips] “I’m crazy pickle mustache. I was given this name because I have pickle for a mustache. Most people have hair for a mustache, but not me. I have a damn pickle”

[Cut to video clip of Adam Sandler from season 18, Thanks giving. Adam playing a guitar and singing]

A turkey for me, turkey for you
let’s eat turkey in a big brown shoe
love to eat a turkey at the table
I once saw a movie with Betty Grable

[Cut to video clip of Adam Sandler from season 20, Hanukah. Adam playing a guitar and singing]

You don’t need “Deck the Halls”
or “Jingle Bell Rock”

Cause you can spin a dreidel
with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock

both Jewish

Put on your yarmulke
Its time for Hanukkah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonic-ahs
Celebrates Hanukkah

[Cut to video clip of Adam Sandler from season 18, Valentine’s day. Adam playing a guitar and singing]

I love you sweatshirt
red hooded sweatshirt
dep-dep-dep sweatshirt
Shama-lama-ding-dong sweatshirt

Thank you very much!

Rectix | Season 44 Episode 19

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Emily… Heidy Gardner

Beck Bennett

Dad… Adam Sandler

[Starts with a family sitting on a veranda]

Mom: We are going to get some lemonade so you two behave.

Son:  Okay.

[Mom and Emily leave] [Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I’ll tell you that Emily is great. Your mom and I really like her.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Thanks, Pop.

[Son looks disappointed] [Cut to Dad]

Dad: Something on your mind, son?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Actually, yeah. I’m a little embarrassed to say this, but lately I’ve been having a little trouble performing.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: You mean erectile dysfunction?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Has it ever happened to you?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Sure has. It happened to me a lot. [Cut to Son agreeing] [Cut to Dad]

But then I found out about new Rectix. [Dad takes a huge pill out] [Cut to Son]

Son: Whoa, that pill is massive, how do you even swallow that thing?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Ha-ha, you don’t swallow it son. You insert it like an suppository and trust me, it works.

[Cut to Son]

Son: So you put that thing—

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Rectix isn’t like ordinary pills. It has a hard 5 inch capsule when placed into your rectum can stop erectile dysfunction dead in it’s tracks.

[Cut to Son]

Son: And it just dissolves up there?

Dad: No, no, [Cut to Dad and son] that’s the best part, son. It stays put for as long as you need it to work. It even comes with an attached loop [Cut to Dad showing the loop of Rectix] so you can retrieve it when you’re through.

[Cut to Son]

Son: So, it’s a butt plug.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: A what? No. It’s a pill.

Narrator: Rectix. The all natural, fast-acting male enhancement pill.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Dad, does mom know about this?

[Cut to Mom coming out with lemonades]

Mom: Well, it was actually my idea. I was afraid your dad would never get an erection ever again.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: One night your mother said to me, “Lay back, let’s try something.”

[Cut to Son]

Son: I really shouldn’t be hearing this.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: Oh, I was skeptical too, son. I remember asking, “What the hell are you doing back there?”

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: And I told him, “Just relax and breathe.”

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: So I said, “What is that, like a pill or something?”

Mom: And I said, “Sure.”

Dad: And it worked. Immediately.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Okay, I got it, dad.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: I tried other methods.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: But none of those things worked like Rectix vibrating pills.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Wait, so it vibrates too?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Of course it does. What did you think? That it doesn’t?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Yeah.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: Well, it does. You know what, son, why don’t you borrow mine?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Ew, no.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Relax, honey, it’s clean. Every prescription of Rectix is 100% dishwasher safe.

[Cut to Son]

Son: You put that thing in the dishwasher? Stop calling it a prescription. It’s a butt plug.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: It’s a pill.

Mom: It’s a pill.

[Emily comes out with a lemonade for herself]

Emily: Umm, this lemonade is amazing.

[Son slaps the glass out of Emily’s hand]

Son: Don’t put your mouth on that!

[Cut to Rectix precaution video]

Narrator: Side effects might include slight discomfort, extreme discomfort and shift in couple’s power dynamics.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Mom: Honey, what’s gotten into you?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Rectix.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Oh, my god.

Dad: It’s a pill.