2019 Archives - Page 2 of 36 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Home for the Holidays

Daniel… Eddie Murphy

Brian… Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Donna… Maya Rudolph

Ego Nwodim

Matthew… Mikey Day

[Starts with a family having Christmas dinner]

Daniel: Before we eat, I want to say a few words.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Make it quick, dad. I’m starving.

[other family members laughing] [Cut to Daniel]

Daniel: I will, I will. I just want to thank everyone for being here. And not just the immediate family. I’m talking about all the cousins and their kids and everybody.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That’s how it should be.

Daniel: That’s right, pop. [cut to Daniel] I know everybody is busy with their lives. Their own things they have to do but it means so much that you’re here with us in our home for the holidays.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: That goes for both of us.

[Cut to Daniel and Donna late at night arguing in their room]

Daniel: [yelling] How come your damn sister couldn’t host?

Donna: My sister’s house is a dump, Daniel.

Daniel: You know? I got to pay for all this damn food? Hell no!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: As I have always said, this house is happier when it’s full.

[Cut to Daniel knocking the door at night]

Daniel: [yelling] Get out of the bathroom!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Son, you and Donna have been such gracious hosts. [Cut to Brian and Grandpa] I just hope I haven’t been a nuisance.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night]

Grandpa: [coughing loudly] It’s so damn dry!

[Cut to Daniel and Donna not being able to sleep because of noise Grandpa is making] [Cut back to the family dinner.]

Donna: What are you talking about? We love having you here.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night] [Cut back to the family dinner.]

Daniel: And of course, this is our first Christmas with our soon to be son-in-law Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew and Ego holding hands]

When you two got engaged, [Cut to Daniel] all of us were just smiling from ear to ear.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: Why cannot I marry him? Because he’s white?

Daniel: [yelling] Yes!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna: Welcome to the family, Matthew.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: You guys are being so racist.

Donna: Damn right we are. No offense Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew just sitting there]

Matthew: None taken.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna: I’m just embarrassed we have to put you two on the air mattress.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Mom, for the last time, it’s fine.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew]

Matthew: Yeah! It’s actually super comfortable.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew not able to sleep because of uncomfortable bed]

Matthew: [yelling] This sucks!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: And then there is Brian. [Cut to Brian] Back from college. It sure is great to have my boy back home for a few weeks.

Brian: It feels good to be home, dad.

[Cut to Daniel and Brian watching TV. Daniel is using the remote.]

Daniel: I am pushing it.

Brian: That’s channel dad! Not source.

Daniel: But channel is the source.

Brian: No, no. I showed you just yesterday!

Daniel: Just get your useless black ass out of here. I know how to do it. Just go.

[Brian leaves]

Stupid ass! Son, come back in here.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Well, I just want to say as you get older, it all goes that much quicker. We should all cherish this time we all spend together as a family this Christmas. I know I will.

[Cut to Grandpa sleeping on a couch] [Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Thank you, pop! I could go on. But I know better than to let a meal my wife spent so much time cooking go cold.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: Oh, stop. I just threw it together.

[Cut to Donna panicking at the kitchen]

Donna: No, no, no! [beep] [Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Anyway, thank you all for being here. And I really mean that.

Narrating: I know it might be a little crowded —

[Cut to children screaming in front of Daniel]

Daniel: This room is off limits. Get off me!

Narrating: And we might even get on each other’s nerves a little bit.

[Cut to Brian and Donna in the kitchen]

Brian: Hey, ma! Do you have any–

Donna: [yelling] No! Whatever it is, no!

Narrating: This is going to make the memories last a lifetime.

[Cut to Ego walking in toilet. Grandpa is already there.]

Grandpa: Um, occupied!

Ego: Grandpa! Lock the door!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Christmas is about family. And I am blessed to spend it with mine. Cheers!

Everybody: Cheers!

Brian: That was beautiful, dad.

Grandpa: Well said, son.

Matthew: That was great, dad.

Lizzo Good as Hell (Live)

[Starts with Eddie Murphy announcing Lizzo’s live performance]

Eddie Murphy: Once again, Lizzo!

[cheers and applause] [music playing] [Lizzo walks in the stage with few dancers.]

Lizzo: Happy holidays, y’all! Be kind to one another. But most important, be good to yourself.

[singing]

I do my hair toss
Check my nails
Baby how you feelin’?

Hair toss
Check my nails
Baby how you feelin’?

Woo child, tired of the foolish
Go on dust your shoulders off, keep it moving
Yes Lord, tryna get some new in this
In there, swimwear, going to the pool quick
Come now, come dry your eyes
You know you a star, you can touch the sky
I know that it’s hard but you have to try
If you need advice, let me simplify

If he don’t love you anymore
Just walk your fine ass out the door

I do my hair toss
Check my nails
Baby how you feelin’?
Feeling good as hell
Hair toss
Check my nails
Baby how you feelin’?
Feeling good as hell
Feeling good as hell
Baby how you feelin’?
Feeling good as hell

Woo girl, need to kick off your shoes
Got to take a deep breath, time to focus on you
All the big fights, long nights that you been through
I got a bottle of Tequila I been saving for you
Boss up and change your life
You can have it all, no sacrifice
I know he did you wrong, we can make it right
So go and let it all hang out tonight’

Cause he don’t love you anymore
So walk your fine ass out the door

And do your hair toss
Check my nails
Baby how you feelin’?
Feeling good as hell
Hair toss
Check my nails
Baby how you feelin’?
Feeling good as hell
Hair toss
Check my nails
Baby how you feelin’?
Feeling good as hell
Hair toss
Check my nails
Baby how you feelin’?
Feeling good as hell

Listen, if he don’t love you anymore
Then walk your fine ass out the door

[music stops] [cheers and applause]

Lizzo Truth Hurts (Live)

[Starts with Eddie Murphy announcing Lizzo’s live performance]

Eddie Murphy: Ladies and gentlemen, Lizzo!

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Lizzo on the stage with other female musicians.] [musi playing

Lizzo: Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Woo

I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that bitch
Even when I’m crying crazy
Yeah, I got boy problems, that’s the human in me
Bling bling, then I solve ’em, that’s the goddess in me
You coulda had a bad bitch, non-committal
Help you with your career just a little
You’re ‘posed to hold me down, but you’re holding me back
And that’s the sound of me not calling you back

Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Don’t text me, tell it straight to my face
Best friend sat me down in the salon chair
Shampoo press, get you out of my hair
Fresh photos with the bomb lighting
New man on the Minnesota Vikings
Truth hurts, needed something more exciting
Bom bom bi dom bi dum bum bay

You tried to break my heart?
Oh, that breaks my heart
That you thought you ever had it
No, you ain’t from the start
Hey, I’m glad you’re back with your bitch
I mean who would wanna hide this?
I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be your side chick
I put the sing in single
Ain’t worried ’bout a ring on my finger
So you can tell your friend, “shoot your shot” when you see ’em
It’s OK, he already in my DMs

I’ma hit you back in a minute
I don’t play tag, bitch, I been it
We don’t mess with lies, we don’t do goodbyes
We just keep it pushing like aye yi yi
I’ma hit you back in a minute
I don’t play tag, bitch, I been it
We don’t mess with lies, we don’t do goodbyes
We just keep it pushing like aye yi yi

[music stops] [cheers and applause]

Masked Singer

Nick Cannon… Chris Redd

Robin Thicke… Beck Bennett

Jenny McCarthy… Kate McKinnon

Ken Jeong… Bowen Yang

Nicole Scherzinger… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with The Masked Singer intro] [Cut to the host]

Nick Cannon: Happy holidays. Welcome to this special Christmas edition of the masked singer. I’m Nick Cannon, and if anyone knows how to beat Eminem in a feud, please let me know. We’re doing as always for our panelists.

[Cut to the judges]

Robin Thicke, Jenny McCarthy, Ken Jeong and Nicole Scherzinger.

[The panelist are all talking at the same time.

[Cut to Nick Cannon]

Nick Cannon: Thank you, judges. Now we have a real special Christmas surprise for you all and a brand new contestant. Without further due, please help me welcome our new mystery man. Corn on the cob.

[cheers and applause] [music playing] [a singer comes in dressed as a corn.] [the corn singing with lisp]

Nick Cannon: Panelist! Any guesses who could be behind the mask? Robin?

[Cut to Robin Thicke]

Robin Thicke: I’m going out on a limb and say that’s Buck Wheat.

[Cut to the judges]

Jenny McCarthy: That’s definitely Buck Wheat.

[Cut to the singer dressed as a corn and Nick Cannon]

Nick Cannon: Let’s see if they’re right. Corn on the cob, he with all want to know. Who are you?

Audience: Take it off! Take it off!

[The singer takes off his corn dress]

Buck Wheat: Hi! I’m Buck Wheat. Remember me?

[Cut to Jenny McCarthy]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, my god! I’m freaking out Buck Wheat, you are my idol!

[Cut to Buck Wheat and Jenny McCarthy]

Buck Wheat: Thank you very much.
Nick Cannon: Now, Buck Wheat, I heard you have more songs for us.

Buck Wheat: Yeah! I sure do. Take a listen.

[music playing] [Buck Wheat singing with lisp] [music stops] [cheers and applause]

Ken Jeong: Buck wheat, as a doctor, I’m comfortable diagnosing you as Nick Cannon00% juicy.

[Cut to Buck Wheat]

Buck Wheat: Oh, I like being oosy.

[Cut to Robin Thicke]

Robin Thicke: Now what’s next for the great Buck Wheat?

[Cut to Buck Wheat]

Buck Wheat: Well, I suppose it’s time for me to go make a deny.

[Cut to Nicole Scherzinger]

Nicole Scherzinger: Buck Wheat, wait. We just want you to know we’ve missed you the past Jenny McCarthy0 years. We love you and it’s good to have you back.

[Cut to Buck Wheat]

Buck Wheat: Thank you very much. Don’t worry about Buck Wheat. Just remember, wherever I am, I am doing Otay. [singing “Single Ladies” by Beyonge] O tinga Nedy O tinga Nedy

North Pole News Report

Rick Sugarplum… Alex Moffat

Donnie Chestnut… Mikey Day

Kittle Diddles… Eddie Murphy

Chloe Fineman

Cecily Strong

[Starts with North Pole News intro]

Announcer: This is a North Pole News special report.

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum in his news set.]

Good evening. I’m Rick Sugarplum. Breaking news tonight of an incident which led to a fire at Santa’s workshop in toy production, north. Our own, Donnie is live at the scene.

[Cut to split screen with Rick Sugarplum at left and Donnie Chestnut at right]

Donie, what’s going on and will it affect Christmas?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut]

Donnie Chestnut: Well, Rick, what we know is there was a fire caused by a knocked over licorice lamp as elves were fleeing the workshop. But no word yet as to what they were fleeing from. Still looking for answers here.

[Kittle Diddles comes in running]

Kittle Diddles: I saw the whole thing. I saw the whole thing walking down from the candy can depo. I saw the whole thing.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay, tt looks like we have an eyewitness here. What’s your name sir?

Kittle Diddles: It doesn’t matter what my name is. I’ve seen what happened. A polar bear got into the workshop and started eating elves. I don’t know those elves and I don’t work with those elves are but those elves are gone.

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Hold on. Is this man saying a polar bear got inside the workshop?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut and Kittle Diddles]

Donnie Chestnut: Yes. I believe he is. But there is an electrified fence around the perimeter.

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter about the electrified fence. The bear came right through fence and it looked just like Jurassic Park. it just ran through the fence. These bears are out there and they’re hungry because of global worming, and they smelled that fresh elf meat and wen’t crazy. The bears are coming for us, you all. Ah!

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Well, that’s some troubling news. Any word on who might have been injured?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut]

Donnie Chestnut: Well no, official casualties have been confirmed.

[Kittle Diddles runs in again carrying one human leg in his hand]

Kittle Diddles: I can confirm them now. Look at this leg. I found this lying on the ground down there. They’re dead. Bears are popping elves in their mouths like skittles. Not even chewing. Swallowing elves whole. Party shoes and all! Ah!

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Donnie, looks like this could be far worse than originally thought.

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut and Kittle Diddles]

Donnie Chestnut: Again, Rick, I don’t want to speculate as to how serious it is without official word.

Kittle Diddles: Let me break it down for you. I tell you how bad it is. [Kittle Diddles takes over the mic and goes towards Chloe] This teenage white elf girl ran out to me, a black elf in sweat pants and asked her to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is.

Chloe: My friends are still in there.

Kittle Diddles: Girl, they dead. Where’s Santa? That’s what I want to know. Santa supposed to be here and he’s no where to be found. Christmas is canceled.

Donnie Chestnut: No, it’s not. Please do not announce that, sir. Thanks for the info. What’s your name again in.

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter what my name is.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay, well responses are already pouring in from the magical being community, The tooth ferry via Instagram moments ago. Wings heavy with despair this evening. Sending my thoughts and prayers to the North pole. Some moving words there.

Kittle Diddles: That bitch sounds crazy! We don’t need thoughts and prayers. How about some guns and ammunition? More bears are coming. And they’re eating. We’re up here. We’re defenseless and small and we’re adorable and we’re chew-able.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay. Thank you, sir. We’re good with you. Oh, Rick! [Cecily walks in] Here comes an elf who just emerged from the workshop. Mam!

Cecily: Santa knew. He knew that fence was old and he didn’t replace it because it cost Cecily,000 more gum drops then a wanted. Our pepper mint blood is one your hands.

Kittle Diddles: Listen to this sexy ass elf right here. When polar bear are in town, the fattest man in the north pole is nowhere to be found. He’s MIA, pretty convenient. Don’t you think? We’re just scratching at the surface of this thing. #Santanew.

Donnie Chestnut: Oh, don’t say things like that. Thank you very much. And what is your name again?

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter what my name is. It don’t matter.

Donnie Chestnut: It does matter for our viewers, please.

Kittle Diddles: All right. My name is Kittle Diddles. I don’t like my name. That’s why I don’t like to say.

Donnie Chestnut: Well, thank you Kiddle Diddles. Wait! Rick, I think I hear something. I think it is singing.

Kittle Diddles: Hey, that ain’t no damn singing. That’s a bear!

PBS Democratic Debate Cold Open

Judy Woodruff… Heidi Gardner

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Democratic Debate on PBS.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff] [cheers and applause]

Judy Woodruff: Hello, I’m Judy Woodruff and welcome to the Democratic Debate. Just like the bachelor, the further we go, the less diverse it gets. So, lets begin. From Massachusetts, it’s senator Elizabeth Warren.

Elizabeth Warren: Woo! In here, and I am in my element. PBS is my safe word. Last debate I gave you policy TMI and now I am ready to walk in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Also in the debate stage tonight is Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Well, my candidacy will be completely ignored by the media. That’s why I’ll conduct the rest of the debate in virtual reality! [Andrew Yang puts on his VR console on.] In here, I’m the front-runner.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff”

Judy Woodruff: He is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. It’s Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello, thanks you. It’s wonderful to be here tonight but I have to warn everyone tonight, I’ll be in attack mode, as long as it’s okay with you guys.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Minnesota, Amy Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar] [cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: The bang is glued, girlfriend. And tonight, my voice will be as solid as my carefully rehearsed mid western mom jokes.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m Bernie Sanders. I’m white, can’t help it. Let’s move on.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, all right.

[cheers and applause]

Hey. Notice anything different about me? Grandpa Joe got the glow up. I was Irish man. Younger, yep. Taller, sure. Better, no.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: And businessman Tom St — wait. Mayor Bloomberg?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg] [cheers and applause]

Michael Cloomberg: Oopsie. Classic billionaire switcharoo.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Bloomberg, you did not qualify for this debate. How did you get here?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Well, for $Andrew Yang0 million, PBS is now owned by viewers like me. Look, I even got a tote bag.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Before we begin with the questions, does anyone want to prove they’re presidential by starting a petty little fight?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, raising hand desperately]

Elizabeth Warren: Yes! Yes! Judy, I just want to point out to everybody that mayor Pete here, held a billionaire fundraiser in a wine cave with crystals, dripping candelabras, basically “eyes wide shut” minus any sex appeal, whatsoever. Now, look, I’ve never even been to a wine cave. I haven’t even been to filene’s basement. Too much shimmer and shine.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Okay, I would just like to point something out, I’m the only person on the stage who isn’t a millionaire or a billionaire. I live on my mayor’s salary plus $Elizabeth Warren0 a week allowance from my parents, and that’s only if I do my chores.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Klobuchar, you’re looking assertive today. Is there something you would like to add?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. The only cave I ever go to is a man cave. I call it ‘The senate.’ For more of these classic zingers, please check out my stand-up special, “Land of Judy Woodruff0,000 laughs,” only streaming Costco+ streaming service.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, hey, quit picking on little Bo Pete over here. Kid’s trying his best. Speaking of, have you noticed that I’m playing with almost a full deck of cards tonight, huh? I haven’t even told the long rambling story yet, but I got one locked and loaded. Here it comes. [snaps his fingers] The year was Judy WoodruffKamala Harris whoops-a-daisy, and my pale white ass is strutting down the mean streets of Wilmington when I come across a group of fellas singing some doo-wop tunes surrounding a– one of those flaming trash can. Now, I know I need to be racially sensitive here, but it’s important for you to know his name was Ol’ Black Charlie.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: See, this is exactly why we need to have more candidates of diversity on the stage.

[Kamala Harris walks in with a martini in her hand]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I could not agree more.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Harris, what are you doing here? You dropped out, remember?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, is this a debate? I had no idea. I was just in the neighborhood. But while I’m here, I just want to show you how good you could have had it, America. You withheld your donations, and I got tired of waiting, so I walked my fine ass out the door. You could have had a bad bitch.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Sanders, I’d ask you to also comment on the declining diversity in the debate field? I know you just want to talk about climate change.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I do. Look at me. Are you really surprised that my main concern is the temperature? At my house, I have a sharpie on the thermostat so I know if you move it. And let me tell you, no matter how hot the earth gets, I will not wear shorts. I swim in corduroy. Google “Bernie Sanders’ legs.” No results. Let’s keep it that way.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Okay, I think we should move on. Senator Klobuchar, do you believe the next president has a duty to fight corruption?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. When our next president is inaugurated, I think SHE will make SHE-ure that people are HER-d!

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I don’t know what’s going on, but I just wanna say I love the ladies. Okay? Even these tough broads. I have the utmost respect for all Lizzy woo and senator Kambucho over there. I do.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Maybe we need to have fewer debates. I think you’re hurting your cause.

[Cut to a speaker standing in front of Bernie Sanders and Amy Klobuchar]

Speaker: Speaking of hurting our cause?

Amy Klobuchar: Why you here?

Speaker: Democrats, I’ll get you, my party, and your little mayor, Too. [laughing evilly] [Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Speaking of drama, president Trump was impeached this week. Assuming he is still candidate, can you beat him in

[Cuyt to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Probably not. I’m just doing this to get my steps in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Sanders, same question.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Look, Trump is the most corrupt president in our history and he’s not the only one lying to the American public. Amazon lies. Apple lies. Even my iPhone lies. Every time it says it’s at Judy Woodruff% battery, it stays on for at least Elizabeth Warren0 minutes. But then other times, it is at Joe Biden%, shuts down immediately.go figure! Apple, what are you trying to hide? And what is my password?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Look. Look. I’ll still beat Trump. Because when he gets to the senate judiciary committee, he’s going to wish he never heard my name.

[music playing][rapping]

It’s pronounced Kamala

it rhymes with Pamala

it ain’t Camilla Cabello

it’s just Kamala

[music stops] [Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Well, candidates, you’ve all spent the last two years talking smack about president Trump. But what if I told you — [Cut to Donald Trump in the backstage] He’s been backstage the whole time and he’s heard everything you said. Come on out, Mr. President!

[Donald Trump walks in] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump. You think I’m scared? You think I’m nervous? What are you going to do? Impeach me? Losers! Impeach me outside, okay? How about that? Impeach me outside!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: This is ridiculous. Why is he here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So people will actually watch this little freak show. This is the best the dems cosmetic come up with? Pocahontas? Sleepy Joe? I’m just gonna riff on some new ones. Mayor butt. Klobuchart. That’s good, that’s good. Scrooge McDuck, Ben and Jerry’s.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Okay!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There are no rules now that I’m impeached. You had it easy with Donald Trump Delirious, but now you’re going to get Donald Trump Raw, baby.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Listen up, Bucko. I challenge to you a push-up contest. Talking me, you, shirts off, nips out, first guy to do one wins. What do you say?

Donald Trump: Go ahead. I’m not afraid of anything.

[Nancy Pelosi walks in]

Nancy Pelosi: Are you sure you’re not afraid of anything?

Donald Trump: Oh, my god! Nancy Pelosi. I thought it was Krampus! Did you read the letter I sent you?

Nancy Pelosi: Oh, the one that was six pages, single spaced like a serial killer? No. I didn’t read it. I’m sorry. But I brought you two gifts Mr. President. They’re the articles of impeachment.

Donald Trump: Oh! Great! Give it to Mitch in the senate, and everything is gravy, baby.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay, but here’s the thing. You know how sometimes you get a gift and you like it so much that you keep it as a gift for yourself?

Donald Trump: You can’t do that.

Nancy Pelosi: Well, watch me. Good luck at the state of the union. Oh! And one more thing.

Everybody: Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!

Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood 2019

Eddie Murphy…Mr. Robinson

Damien…Mikey Day

Mikka…Heidi Gardner

Patrick…Chris Redd

[Mr. Robinson opens the door and enters the room]

♪ It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor. ♪

♪ Could you be mine ♪

[Comes downstairs, opens closet & hangs his coat & puts on a yellow jacket]

♪ Would you be mine ♪

♪ I am gone for good but it’s now all right my neighbors are all black but now they white ♪

[Sits on the bench, put shoes on]

♪ So the check cashing place turned into a bank ♪

♪ And the stairs they don’t stink ♪

♪ The white people came and changed everything ♪

♪ But I am still your neighbor.

[Looking at the camera while tying his shoes]

Mr. Robinson: Hey, boys, and girls.

It’s your old pal Mr. Robinson. So much has changed since we last spent some time together.

My neighborhood has gone through so much.

It has gone through something called gentrification. Can you say that?

It’s like a magic trick. White people pay a lot of money and then poof!

All the black people are gone.

But where do they go, boys and girls?

Back to where they come from, of course.

Atlanta. now it’s just me by myself.

You’re all probably wondering how Mr. Robinson can afford to live in this neighborhood.

That’s the word of the day.

[Walks up to ‘Squatter’s Rights’ board]

Mr. Robinson: Squatter’s rights. It’s like finders’ keepers but for other people’s houses.

[Doorbell rings. Eddie Murphy looks excited. Walks up to the stairs, waves at the camera to come]

Mr. Robinson: Who could that be?

Let’s go see, boys and girls.

[Mr. Robinson standing at the door yells]

Mr. Robinson: Who is it?

[Damien speaks from the other side of the door]

Damien: It’s Damien and Mikka from 7 f.

[Mr. Robinson looks at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: Damien and Mikka are my new neighbors.

They paid $1.2 million for an apartment where Mr. Robinson’s friend used to cook crack.

Let’s see what they want.

[Eddie Murphy opens the door]

Damien: Hey, Mr. Robinson. Sorry to bother you.

We ordered a new 72-inch Samsung TV and they say it was delivered, but it’s not in the lobby.

We were wondering if you knew anything about that.

[Mr. Robinson looks at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: Don’t worry, boys and girls. Mr. Robinson knows just what to

say in situations like this.

[Mr. Robinson yells at Damien & Mikka]

Mr. Robinson: You think I stole your TV cause I’m black?

Damien & Mikka: No! Of course not! [Puts hands on the face & act embarrassed & surprised] [Mr. Robinson looks at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: It always works, boys and girls.

Damien: We would never do that.

Mikka: Yeah, no. We’re asking everyone. Not just you.

Damien: Yeah, I’m sorry we gave you that impression.

Mikka: Yeah & we’ll get out of your hair.

[Damien & Mikka slowing walking back]

Damien: Yeah, so, if you see the tv, let us know.

Mikka: Oh, and we would love for you to come to our holiday party.

[Mr. Robinson yelling at Damien & Mikka. Shuts the door on their faces]

Mr. Robinson: Why I want to come to your holiday party?

[Mr. Robinson pans back at camera & smiles]

Mr. Robinson: Can you believe the nerve of them boys and girls?

There is a special word for that.

[Walks downstairs. Pick up the remote to turn on the TV] [RACIST shows up on the TV screen. Next to the TV, plenty of opened Amazon delivery boxes.]

Mr. Robinson: Racist. They weren’t being good neighbors at all.

[Puts down the remote. Someone knocks on the door]

Mr. Robinson: Excuse me, boys and girls. It’s more visitors. [Looking at the camera] [Starts yelling at the door]

Damien, I didn’t take your TV and you can’t prove nothing!

[Patrick speaks from behind the door]

Patrick: I’m not Damien, sir. My name is Patrick.

Mr. Robinson: I don’t know no damn Patrick!

Patrick: I know that but did I a DNA test and they said you’re my father.

I just want to meet you.

[Mr. Robinson looks surprised]

Mr. Robinson: Boys and girls, there is a new company called 23 and me.

And because of them, 23 people now say their father is me!

[Turns to the door and yells]

Mr. Robinson: Be right there!

[Pans back at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: That’s my cue, boys and girls. I have to go tell police there

is a strange black man banging on my door.

[Walks up to the window on the left side of the room]

Until we meet again, ♪ tomorrow, tomorrow ♪

[Slowly climbs out of the window]

♪ I’ll come back home tomorrow when my kid is not here ♪

[Waves at the camera & close the window]

♪ Goodbye, boys and girls! ♪

Weekend Update: Trump Running While Impeached

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump on left top corner.]

After yesterday’s vote approving articles of impeachment, president Trump could become the first president to face impeachment while also running for re-election. Because only democrats could figure out a way to lost twice in the same year.

[Picture changes to Jerrold Nadler]

The judiciary committee chairman Jerrold Nadler, who was accidentally CGI’d to look both like Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro, appealed to republican’s on the committee saying, “When Trumps time is passed, how will you be remembered?” Remembered? I barely know who you are now, and I think you’re my congressman. I hate you break it to you but the only way Americans ever remember a congressman is if he sends someone a picture of his penis. And we only remember that, because his name was [Picture changes to Anthony Weiner] Weiner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump in right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump set personal record on Thursday when he reacted to impeachment news by posting more than 100 tweets, causing White House officials to ask, “Is everything okay in there, sir?” I don’t get why Trump is so worked up. I mean, it’s still going to take two-thirds of the senate to vote him out of office. And that’s not going to happen, because, well, take a look at the senate. I’d be like if Obama got voted out of office by the Wu-Tang clan.

But look on the bright side, democrats. Now you know, you can cheat. Why are you nerds still playing by the rules? Literally nothing matters anymore. Kamala dropped out, because she ran out of money. Rob a bank! Do you want this or not?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Manchin on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Democratic senator Joe Manchin, who wants to you ‘Keep the change, you filthy animal’, said that he’s very much torn about the whether or not he would vote to remove Trump from office. Yeah, based on this photo I really don’t think he’s that torn. If you asked me to draw a Trump supporter from memory, this is what I would draw.

[Picture change sto Donald Trump]

Trump also announced his plan to sign executive order that would reclassify Judaism as both nationality and a race. So, now, if someone accuses Trump of being racist, he can say, “Um, my daughter is in an interracial marriage.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and George Washington in right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new poll, 37% of republicans say that Donald Trump is a better president that George Washington. Now, okay. That sounds ridiculous. But then, I remembered George Washington owned slaves, so I guess I would say Trump is better than that? it’s just not a really fair comparison. Like, Colin, Colin. [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che] Okay. Who do you think is a better comedian? You or Bill Cosby?

Colin Jost: Okay. I see to your point. Thanks.

Michael Che: No, no, wait! Don, give me a split screen, please.

Colin Jost: You don’t have to do that.

[Cut to split screen with Colin Jost at the left and Bill Cosby at the right.]

Michael Che: Okay, audience. Who makes you happier? Bill Cosby or Colin Limbaugh Jost. It’s hard to say, right?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che.]

Colin Jost: Merry Christmas, Michael.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Greta Thunberg at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After the cli–

Michael Che: The answer is Bill Cosby, by the way.

[Colin Jost laughts]

Colin Jost: After the climate change activist Greta Thunberg was named time’s person of the year, the Trump campaign posted a picture of Trump’s head pasted on Thunberg’s body. In case anyone wondered that would he look like if Donald Trump got that Al Roker surgery.

Weekend Update: Spelling Bee Shake-up

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There is a picture of National Spelling Bee logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Script’s National Spelling Bee has announced the change to next year’s contest after this year’s Spelling Bee ended in 8 way tie. The new change? Knives!

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Harvey Weinstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Harvey Weinstein has reached a $25 million settlement with the women accusing him of sexual misconduct. But in order to get the money. The women have to grab it out of his bathrobe pocket.

[Picture changes to Vanna White]

For the first time in the history of “Wheel of fortune,” the game show was hosted by Vanna White. There were no survivors.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture IHOP building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: IHOP was opened a new casual version of the restaurant called flip’d. Who hasn’t walked into a regular IHOP and thought, “Well, this is way too formal.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Hallmark logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The group 1 million moms boycotting the Hallmark Channel for airing a commercial featuring a same-sex couple getting married and kissing. Ladies, relax. If your kid is watching the Hallmark Channel, he already gay as hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article.]

Colin Jost: Thousands of what are being called “Penis fish” are washing up on shore of a California beach. Not only that, one kid said he found one in his mother’s night stand.

Weekend Update: Chen Biao on the US-China Trade Deal

Michael Che

Chen Biao.. Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: On Friday, president Trump confirmed that he reached in an initial trade deal with China which many hopes signifies the end of the trade war. Here to comment is a Chinese trade representative, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: Ay! Ai-ao-sys. [cheers and applause]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. I don’t speak Mandarin.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Oh! Ai-ao-sys in English means, Ay yo, sis! Good to be back, Che!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Thanks for being back. Now, some are saying this agreement benefits Trump more than China. How do you feel about that?

Chen Biao: Oh, please! Trade Daddy played Trump like mahjon. [Cut to Chen Biao] Pong! Tariff threat, Michael Che5%. He goes down to 7.5% and I’m all like, “Yeah, that’s good with me if that’s good with you, don, don!” Then I throw in $50 billion in farm goods so he can feel like the big man on congress. Toh!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Mr. Biao, for those who don’t know, what is tariff?

Chen Biao: Okay, I’ll explain. [Cut to Chen Biao] A tariff is like a tax but a its little bit bitchy. And the retaliatory tariff is when China goes, “No rare earth minerals for you. You’ve been bad.”

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Are you at least happy that the trade war is potentially ending?

Chen Biao: Yeah. I’m so over the trade war. [Cut to Chen Biao] I don’t need that drama in my life. I’m seeing a new acupuncturist. I’m on a social media cleanse because of my government. And even Marie Kondo’d, she’s Japanese, you’re a racist. Look, I’m cutting out the negativity, okay? So, hey, Trump, are you China’s air quality? Because you’re toxic.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, it’s understanding, China would be frustrated.

Chen Biao: Oh, yeah. Well the trade war was getting so petty. [Cut to Chen Biao] The US’s panties were all in beef, because apparently we take your intellectual property, please. Nobody needs your idea for CBD lip gloss, Ainslie.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Who is Ainslie?

Chen Biao: Probably some “Shark Tank” reject whose Instagram bio says, “Mogel slash Activist.” Pick a lane.

Michael Che: Well, farmers have been really feeling the effects of the last Michael Che9 months of trade dispute.

Chen Biao: Michael Che9 months? Big whoop. [Cut to Chen Biao] I’ve had dry spells longer than that. Psyche! You know me. I got hoes in different province codes. My ass is dead, Michael! Sorry, dead ass!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, is this trade war really over?

Chen Biao: No way. [Cut to Chen Biao] This deal is extremely preliminary. It’s like they announce a Pixar movie but it doesn’t drop until Chen Biao0Chen Biao4. So, Trump, are you in the right head space to receive information that could possibly hurt you? Because I’m clocking you and you can clock me and my Beijing Olympics, GUCCI swag.

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody