Weekend Update Democrats Launch Impeachment Inquiry Against Trump – SNL

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a news article that says ‘Impeachment inquiry launched for pressuring Ukraine’ at left top corner.]

Well—easy. This week President Trump was accused of shady mafia-style shakedown of the Ukraine. But luckily Trump’s lawyer was able to smooth it over with professionalism and class.

[Cut to a video clip of live news where lawyers are shouting at each other.] Colin Jost: By the way, it looks like the world’s angriest game of guess who. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] And now democrats are moving toward impeaching Trump, which should feel like a huge historic moment but with Trump even impeachment just feels silly. You know, like the movie “Nixon” was a serious film directed by Oliver Stone. The movie about Trump is going to be from the dudes who brought you “American Pie”. And by the way, the one thing we haven’t heard from the White House all week about this is a denial. Trump just keeps saying that all the information is bad because it’s all secondhand. It’s like if the cops asked if you murdered someone and instead saying, “No, I didn’t”, you said, “Who told you that, Ron?”

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Alright. Maybe I just don’t understand politics well because when they said Trump is getting impeached, I immediately thought Great, Trump’s fired, let’s get drunk. But they’re like, “No, he’s just being impeached but he ain’t exactly peached yet. It’s still going take another year or so.” And I’m like, “Damn, that sucks, let’s get drunk.” I mean, the president is only a four-year job but it feels like it’s taking them five years to just fire his add. It’s frustrating. You know, I bet somebody explained how long impeachment takes to John Wilkes booth and he was like, “Okay, well, where is he at right now?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Adam Schiff at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Trump also attacked CNN for saying he spelled the world little wrong. Look at this insanity. [Cut to a tweet from Donald Trump] I used the world liddle’, not liddle in describing corrupt congressman Liddle’ Adam Schiff. Low ratings CNN purposely took the hyphen out and said I spelled the word ‘little’ wrong.” [Cut to Colin Jost] First of all, it’s an apostrophe, not a hyphen. I’m sorry to be a grammar Nazi. I know you hate one of those things. Then president Adderall attacked Joe Biden, saying that if Joe Biden was a republican he’d be getting the electric chair. Though in fairness both Trump and Biden are going to be in electric chairs [Cut to Joe Biden and Donald Trump on an electric scooter] pretty soon.

Weekend Update: David Ortiz on Getting Shot – SNL

Colin Jost

David Ortiz … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week—this summer former Red Sox slugger David Ortiz got shot in the Dominican Republic but he recovered and he even threw out the first pitch at a Red Sox game. Here to comment big Papi himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in the screen]

David Ortiz: Yo! Feliz Septebre!

Colin Jost: It is so great to see you big Papi. How is your summer?

David Ortiz: It was bad. But you know what they say. [Cut to David Ortiz] Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you want to try to kill who tried to kill you.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That must have been a horrible experience.

David Ortiz: Oh, you think bro? I had to go to the hospital in the Dominican Republic. You know what they have in the hospital there?

Colin Jost: What?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: They got Mofongo. Chicharones. Beef Steaka Con Mas Beef Steak. And in the IV you know what they give you?

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What, like a saline solution?

David Ortiz: Close. Concreto Frito.

Colin Jost: They have that at the hospital?

David Ortiz: At the Dominical hospital they do.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

That’s why I go to the Boston hospital next. You go what they got at the Boston hospital?

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: hat?
David Ortiz: Medicine.

Colin Jost: Well, I hope you stay safe from now on.

David Ortiz: Me too. That’s why I’m more careful now. When I go out I wear a disguise. I get them all from the same place.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Hair BNB. You need a wig for the weekend, use Hair BNB. Every wig is made of 100% guinea pig hair. Very itchy.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, you’re still doing commercials?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, bro. [Cut to David Ortiz] I’m also trying to have a better diet now. Other so I’m eating the possible burger.

Colin Jost: You mean the impossible burger.

David Ortiz: No, possible burger. Did you buy a bunch of ground beef from the back of a pickup truck? It might not be real meat. But it’s possible.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m glad you’re staying positive about this.

David Ortiz: Oh, Mucho positive Jost. [Cut to David Ortiz] Have a new lease on life. I’ve even been exercising again.

Colin Jost: You’re exercising?

David Ortiz: I’m using the Pelocon.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You mean Peloton?

David Ortiz: No, Peloton is a bike. Pelicon is a Pelicon. Pelican. [Cut to David Ortiz] It’s just a big Pelican that attack you when you’re not expecting it. I already lost 15 pounds and three fingers. And you never see the Pelican coming, because he use Hair BNB.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Big Papi, I’m just really happy that you’re back and that you’re healthy enough to be shooting a commercial.

David Ortiz: Hey, who’s shooting?

Colin Jost: Big Papi, everyone.

David Ortiz: Merry Christmas, everybody. Yo, yo, Mofongo.