Weekend Update Travel Expert Carrie Krum on Winter Getaways

Michael Che

Carrie Krum

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With temperatures dropping, people are looking to escape winter blues by heading to warmer climates. Here with her insider tips is 7th grade travel expert, Carrie Krum.

[Carrie slides in]

Carrie: Hi Michael.

Michael Che: Hi, Carrie. So, how was your holidays?

Carrie: Awesome. Yeah, I bit into a cherry chocolate and there was alcohol inside of it. But don’t worry Michael, I wasn’t driving.

Michael Che: So, Carrie, what are some destinations where people can head this winter?

Carrie: Oh, I’m glad you asked me Michael. [Cut to Carrie] A destination will impress is none other than my uncle’s house in Lincoln, Nebraska. It’s got a fridge in the garage, a dog on it’s way out with both his eyes that look like milky moons. And an elliptical where I saw boys bathing suit was drying. And Michael… [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Michael… There was a net inside.

Michael Che: Alright Carrie. I was thinking of warmer destination. Like a beach.

Carrie: Oh. Got you. [Cut to Carrie] Well, you wan fun in the sun then head to Muskegon, Michigan. We had a magical night at my cousin’s basketball tournament where I drank a Red Gator and which made me look like I was wearing lipstick. And then, I took a wrong turn into the boys locker room where I saw a big boy changing. And Michael… [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Michael… On his belly, there was hairs.

[Carrie taps on Michael Che’s hand for attention]

Michael Che: Okay. Um, what about somewhere like Florida. You ever been to Florida?

Carrie: Oh, baby! Have I, right girls? Oh, I was the queen of the Panhandle visiting my mom’s aunt Agnus. Michael, she is living the life. [Cut to Carrie] Her bed is in the living room. And it has a remote control. Oh, what? Am I dreaming? And she gave me a candy for every page of the bible that I read out loud to her. And do you know what it says in the bible? [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Michael… Michael… Jesus rode an ass. [laughing] That’s been getting me for days.

Michael Che: Well, Carrie, it sound like you had a great winter break.

Carrie: Well, not New Year’s eve.

Michael Che: Oh! Why didn’t you like New Year’s eve?

Carrie: Because my cousin gave me Mountain Dew soup, Michael.

Michael Che: What? Mountain Dew soup?

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Well, it’s Mountain Dew in a bowl that you eat with a spoon. And I had too much and then I ran into a sliding glass door.

[Cut to Carrie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh, no!

Carrie: Yeah. And then I barfed.

Michael Che: Carrie!

Carrie: And it was green so everyone called me Slimer.

Michael Che: Carrie Krum, everybody.

Carrie: Halsie gave me five bucks.

Weekend Update Mr. Peanut Dies

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Derek Jeter at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Derek Jeter was voted in to the Hall of Fame by the Baseball Writers Association who was one vote shy of unanimous decision. In case you’re wondering if Derek Jeter ever slept with a baseball writer’s wife.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a navy ship at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The US navy has for the first time ever named an aircraft carried in honor of an African-American sailor. And he must have been pretty brave joining the navy not knowing how to swim. I am just kidding. But the ship will be called ‘The USS guy from the village people’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a laptop showing ‘XXX’ at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A popular porn website has suffered a massive data breach that exposed user’s identities and credit card numbers. “Wait, which porn site?” Said your husband just now?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of male and female sign at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new report. in 257 years, women around the world will be paid the same as men. So, stop complaining!

[Picture changes to Planters cartoon]

In a recent commercial, Planters peanuts announced that the company mascot Mr. Peanut has died. In accordance with his wishes he has been [Picture changes to peanut butter] cream-maded. Alright. I get that you like that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Gritty at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police in Philadelphia are investigating claims that Flyers mascot Gritty punched a 13 year old boy in the back. But I just can’t picture Gritty doing something like that. I mean look at him, he wouldn’t punch a kid in the back. He’s more of a leap out of the shadow and stick you with a syringe kind of guy. You know?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A goat has been born in India with a genetic deformity that makes it look like it has a human face. “Wow! Crazy! How did that happen?” said a lonely farmer. Whatever, man! Whatever.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing and pointing at Michael Che]

Whatever.

Weekend Update Melissa Villaseñor on Oscar Snubs

Colin Jost

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Guys, the Oscars nominations were announced last week and here to discuss her thoughts on these awards is our own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Melissa Villaseñor slides in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yay! Hi, Colin. Ah, I’m so excited for the Oscars this year. I think I have a really good chance to win.

Colin Jost: Oh, I’m sorry. But, for what?

Melissa Villaseñor: My music. I wrote original songs for all the top movies. Like this one. Here’s my song for Joker. Hit it fellas

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. There’s a picture of Joker movie logo at left top corner.] [music playing] [singing] Joaquin Phoenix, skinny, skinny
laughs a lot but still so scary
dances on steps, goes stompy, stompy
puts a pillow over crazy mommy
but the thing that this movie is really about
is white male rage, white male rage
white male rage.. Joker!

[music stops] [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Wow. Yea, that was great Melissa. I gotta say I don’t remember that song in Joker. And I watch that movie everyday while I work out.

Melissa Villaseñor: What a weirdo! Well, did you at lease like the song?

Colin Jost: I mean, I am no music critic but it seemed like it was just a description of the movie and then it took a weird turn into social commentary.

Melissa Villaseñor: Ah, thanks. Well, here’s another one. My song for The Irishman.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. There’s a picture of The Irishman movie logo at left top corner.] [same music playing] [singing] This movie has a lots of offer
Al Pacino as Jimmy Hopper
Gangster life gets kinds messy
Robert De Niro and lil’ Joe Pesci
It’s three hours long, they’re old and they’re young
and it’s white male rage, white male rage
white male rage… Irishman!

[music stops] [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That was great, Melissa. That one definitely was not in the Irishman. And I should know. I watch that movie alone on Christmas day.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: So sad. Of course, none of these songs are in the movies, Colin. Here’s another one.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: How many more do you have?

Melissa Villaseñor: A whole bunch.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Melissa Villaseñor: But I’ll just combine them all, okay? Hit it boys.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. There’s a picture of Hollywood board at left top corner.] [same music playing] [singing] Manson Hitler, white male rage
World War I coz of white male rage
Little Women big performances
but Greta Gerwig snubbed coz of white male rage
Buzz and Woody had it again
and it’s white male rage, white male rage
white male rage!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone.

Melissa Villaseñor: See you at the Oscars.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Impeachment Trial Begins

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of United States capital at left top corner.]

Guys! The impeachment trial started this week. Am I crazy or was Adam Schiff on my television for 100 hours straight? Even when I turned the TV off, there still was an outline of him burned into the screen. What happened was democrats spent three days laying out in great detail how they believe president Trump has been egregious abuser of power in American history. And then republicans laid out their defense, the shrug emoji.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching an orphanage burn, Mitch McConnell defended his plan for the trial saying the country is waiting to see if we can rise to the occasion. I would maybe say you’re not rising to the occasion considering one senator fell asleep, Ran Paul was dong a crossword puzzle and some republican senators even brought fidget spinners to play with. I assume this symbolize how the founding fathers are spinning in their graves.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You better than Colin. I didn’t watch one minute of that trial. It was like a four day long Powerpoint. This was supposed to be Trump’s punishment, not mine. This whole impeachment is like a bad episode of Morey. There’s all this evidence that Trump clearly cheated and republicans are still like, “But Morey, he loved me.” Trump is so confident he’s gonna win, he’s using Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer to represent him. Talk about credibility, who’s his character witness? R. Kelly?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lindsey Graham and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Lindsey Graham also said that president Trump was bored by the whole impeachment trial, which isn’t a surprise since Trump typically loses focus halfway through his own sentences. For example, here he is this week talking about Elon Musk.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on CNBC interview]

Donald Trump: He’s also doing the rockets. He likes rockets. He does good at rockets too, by the way. And I was worried about him because he’s one of our great geniuses and we have to protect our geniuses. We have to protect Thomas Edison.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: We have to protect Thomas Edison? I think that’s a line Nick Cage yells in National Treasure.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden then rejected the idea of testifying in the impeachment trial saying, “I want no part of that.” While, his son Hunter Biden said, “Wait, how much does it pay?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and the logo of democrats at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I mean, maybe I’m paranoid but I’m starting to think democrats actually want Trump to stay in office. Coz every time he does something crazy and racist, they’re like, “Oh, no. Don’t do that.” I mean, you’re telling me that United States government can’t figure out how to remove a crazy dictator? We’ve been practicing all over the world for like 100 years. We’re kind of famous for it. That’d be like Jamaica forgot how to unwind!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Lev Parnas at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And now, a recording a service to president Trump telling adult cabbage patch doll Lev Parnas that he wanted the former ambassador to Ukraine fired. Here is the audio.

[Cut to president Trump’s subtitles to the recording]

Donald Trump: Get rid of her. Get her out tomorrow. I don’t care. Get her out tomorrow. Take her out. Okay?

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Take her out? I would maybe choose the words more carefully when you’re talking to someone who looks like [Picture changes to Lev Parnas] a professional car bomber. Also, how was a random person able to secretly record the president on his phone. I mean they take a way your phone if you go to see Dave Chappelle do stand up.

And speaking of recordings, [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani] Rudy Giuliani on Friday launched a podcast called ‘Rudy Giuliani common sense’ in which he offers his defense of president Trump. It’s the first podcast ever recorded and uploaded accidentally from a pan’s pocket. The title of the first episode is, I swear to god, ‘Since no crimes exist, it must be dismissed.” And according to reviewers, Rudy was once highly regarded but now seems mildly retar– No, I can’t read that.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I would have said it!

Undercover Boss Where Are They Now

Kylo Ren… Adam Driver

Mikey Day

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

[Starts with different clips of Star Wars]

Male voice: Five years ago, supreme leader of the first order, Kylo Ren went undercover in his organization and pledged to change his company for the better. Tonight, we’ll find out if he kept his promise in an Undercover Boss special. Where are they now? Kylo Ren.

[Cut to Kylo Ren]

Kylo Ren: I’ll say it. I haven’t been the best boss lately. I’ve been a little distracted by some personal drama

Male voice: Drama is right. Days after appearing in our show, Kylo killed his dad, cut his mentor in half, fired upon his mother’s space craft, and he’s now obsessed with finding a young jedi named Ray. So, Kylo is going back undercover to get things on track. [Kylo Ren is dressing up and wearing wig] But this time as Randy, an entry level intern.

Kylo Ren: Time to get our fresh perspective. Let’s intern.

[Cut to Mikey and Chloe]

Mikey: She put it on the wrong side!

[Mikey showing the papers to the other staffs]

Female voice: Hidden cameras were placed all over the ship and no one knows Randy is really Kylo Ren.

[Kylo Ren walks in]

Kylo Ren: Hey guys, I’m Randy, the new intern. Okay, boomer! Right?

[The other staffs are confused]

Mikey: [fake laughing] Ha-ha-ha. Alright.

Kylo Ren: So, hey, what do you guys think? When Kylo Ren offers Ray his hand for the second time, do you think she’ll take it?

Melissa: Who cares?

[Kylo Ren moves his face close to Melissa’s]

Kylo Ren: I do! I do!

Melissa: Okay.

[Cut to Kylo Ren narrating]

Kylo Ren: So, I’ve learned all the interns here do all the bitch work. Clerical stuff, food and drink orders, droid wrangling.

[Cut to Kylo Ren talking to a stormtrooper]

Kylo Ren: Excuse me. Do you know who’s in charge of fuel invoices?

Stormtrooper: Oh, yeah. I think you’re looking for Deez Nuts!

[Stormtrooper walks away]

Kylo Ren: Hilarious! Said no one ever.

[Cut to Kylo Ren narrating]

Kylo Ren: Everyone’s been really nice so far. Some, more than others.

[Cut to Beck during his presentation.]

Beck: The fleet is amassing on exogol.

[Kylo Ren walks in with the drinks]

Kylo Ren: One blue star milk?

Beck: That’s mine. With sarlacc cream. Yes.

Kylo Ren: Oh! I’ll go back.

Beck: Don’t go back. Straws? [Kylo Ren doesn’t have it] Great! We’ll just suck it out of a hole in the top. Thank you, Randy. Goodbye! Bye now!

[Kylo Ren is staring at Beck] Good– Beck’s head bursts.

Kylo Ren: Oh, my god! Are you okay?

[Cut to stormtrooper]

Stormtrooper: That new inter’s Kyle Ren, right?

[Cut to Kylo Ren fixing the printer]

Kylo Ren: Load sheets on tray B, I just did that.

Mikey: It thinks the tray is empty.

[Kylo Ren stares at the printer and the printer explodes] [Cut to Mikey gossiping about Kylo Ren in the intern’s room]

Mikey: He broke another printer. And did you hear? He killed some admiral.

Bowen: Earlier, he came up to me and was like, so in my face. He aggressed me. He aggressed me.

[sound of someone screaming]

Female voice: That night, Kylo is invited to Friday Fun Day drinks in the intern office.

[Chloe is crying]

Kylo Ren: What’s wrong?

Chloe: [sobbing] Um, nothing. I applied to be a type fighter pilot and the director, he was like, “The only way for a woman to fly cockpit is a direct order from Kylo Ren.” Like that will ever happen.

[Cut to Kylo Ren narrating]

Kylo Ren: The culture here needs to change. Everybody deserves a shot. If I can be a small part of that change, I will.

[Cut to next morning Chloe walking to find a helmet with a ‘Welcome to the team, pilot. -Kylo Ren’ message on it.]

Kylo Ren: Congratulations.

Chloe: I’m so happy right now.

Kylo Ren: Maybe one of these days you’ll be as good a pilot as Kylo Ren.

Chloe: Kylo Ren? Shh! Na! I wanna fly like Luke Skywalker.

[Kylo Ren stabs Chloe with his laser sword and then whispers in her ear.]

Kylo Ren: And now, you’ll die like him too. Okay, Boomer?

[Cut to Kylo Ren narrating]

Kylo Ren: Well, how did it go? I’d say pretty good. I made four new friends and killed one of them. I’d say that’s a pretty good start.

[Cut to Undercover Boss video bumper] [The End]

The Science Room

Zackry Adams… Adan Driver

Lany… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

[Starts with TV program schedule]

Female voice: The PBS learning afternoon. At 3:30, it’s Grammar Train. Followed at 4 by Phonics Bus. But up next, it’s The Science Room.

[Cut to Zackry Adams holding a dummy human skeleton.]

Zackry Adams: Well, this guy’s bad to the bone. Ha-ha. I’m professor Zackry Adams and welcome to Science Room.

[Cut to Science Room video bumper] [Cut to Zackry Adams with Lany and Josh]

Zackry Adams: First, let’s say Hi-pothesis. Ha-ha-ha. To our junior volunteers. Lany and Josh.

Josh: Hi.

Lany: Hi.

Zackry Adams: Guys, you excited to learn about science?

Josh: Ya, kinda nervous.

Lany: My hears like…

Zackry Adams: Okay. We’ll just take a few calming breaths. Ay, speaking of breathing, today’s topic is air.

Josh: Yes!

Lany: I love air so much.

Zackry Adams: Air is mostly made up of an element. Do you guys know what’s it called?

Lany: Air?

Zackry Adams: Nope. But it starts with an O. Josh?

Josh: Um. oil?

Zackry Adams: Okay, here’s a hint. Oxy…

Lany: Cotton?

Zackry Adams: It’s oxygen. Oxygen is the answer.

Josh: I knew it.

Lany: I was gonna say that.

Zackry Adams: I don’t think you were. Say, do you guys like balloons?

Lany and Josh: Do you guys like balloons?

Zackry Adams: No, I didn’t mean say what I said. Just give me the balloon. [someone hands him a balloon] Now, why does this balloon float?

[the balloons flies away]

Josh: Um, from the string?

Zackry Adams: No, what? It’s from helium. And it works like this. Imagine you’re in a pool.

Josh: Marco.

Lany: Pull off!

Zackry Adams: Guys! Guys! Forget about the pool. No more pool. Let’s just do the experiment. And for those of you doing the experiment along with us at home, make sure a parent or guardian is present because what comes first in the science room?

Lany: Um, the guy?

Zackry Adams: The guy?

Lany: Ya, my older sister said the guy like, always comes first. I don’t know.

Zackry Adams: Oh, my god! No! No! That’s not what that means. The guy does not come first here.

Josh: The girl comes first?

Lany: No, my sister says the girl never comes.

Zackry Adams: It’s safety! Safety comes first. That was an awful conversation we just had. Now, for today’s experiment, we’ll need a balloon. Josh, why don’t you blow one up. [Josh starts blowing a balloon] We also need a sewing needle and some scotch tape.

[Josh falls down and the balloon flies off]

Oh, my god! Josh. He passed out? Are you alright?

Josh: Yeah. What?

Zackry Adams: Alright, can we get another balloon?

[someone passes Zackry Adams a balloon]

Okay, guys, back. Now, look at this balloon. Now, we’re gonna put a piece of scotch tape on it and see what happens if I put something sharp through the scotch tape when I– [Lany and Josh are pulling the scotch tape] Okay, stop messing with this. Put this down. What will happen if I put a needle through the scotch tape through the balloon?

Josh: It will get vaccinated.

Zackry Adams: What? What would normally happen if I stick a needle through the balloon?

Lany: It will scream.

Zackry Adams: Look you stupid, stupid kids. What do balloons do?

Josh: Um, provide a sense of atmosphere?

Zackry Adams: If I stick a needle through an f-ing balloon, it will… what?

Josh: Come first?

[Zackry Adams pokes the balloon with the needle and throws the tape away in rage.]

Zackry Adams: If punctured, balloons will… Starts with a P, ends with a bop.

Lany: It will Bop.

Josh: Yeah, bop.

Zackry Adams: Alright! Go to that video with ducks flying coz I’m about to scream the C word into my shirt in the three, two, one…

[Cut to Science Room video bumper] [The End]

Sleepover

Dad… Adam Driver

Chloe Fineman

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Stephane… Heidi Gardner

Meghan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a dad talking to the girls at their sleepover.]

Dad: Hey, girls. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock! Dad alert! Wiwoo-wiwoo-wiwoo! Sorry to interrupt the sleepover. I just wanted to talk to you girls. I don’t want to single anyone out or embarrass anybody but something happened upstairs.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: The pizza came?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, no. It’s a little different. It’s kind of hard to talk about as a parent. But I believe in mutual respect, so we’re just gonna talk as adults. Okay?

[Cut to the girls]

Girls: Okay!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, well, it looks like someone tried to flush a sanitary napkin pad, sort of a big one in our upstairs washroom.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Dad! Whao! Is the toilet broken?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, it is. The pad got stuck. We don’t have a plunger in there. So I think, whoever tried to flush it used a toilet paper stand to try to shove it down and then put a lot of toilet paper on top to kind of blanket it which made it overflow pretty bad.

[Cut to Aidy and Ego]

Ego: Oh, no!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Yeah, then I think they tried to duck-tape it shut which caused the water to sort of explode up out of it into the light sockets which caused electrical shock. Where’s Megan?

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Uh, I don’t know. She went upstairs like an hour ago.

[Cut to Dad. Meghan walks down stairs with her clothes wet and her hair all messed up.]

Dad: Hi, Meghan.

Meghan: What’s up?

[Cut to everybody. Meghan sits down on a couch.] [Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, we were just having a talk with the girls coz someone tried to flush a pad and broke the toilet.

[Cut to Meghan. It’s obvious she did it.]

Meghan: [acting as she can’t believe it] Wow! That’s sick! Whoever did that, that’s pretty sick! I’m gonna go to bed.

[Cut to everybody]

Dad: No! We’re just gonna stay and try to piece together what happened.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh, yeah. Well, that stinks. Whoever did that, that’s a mystery. Just get Mark Harman in here to figure this out. Current CIS.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I’m just hoping that one of you will, you know, come forward.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Oh, well, it’s not me. I can’t wear pads coz I do little thongs.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, we don’t need all the details.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yes. Yes. I’m tampons. It’s easy, you know? You lube them up and string first down the gullet.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, you don’t have to prove it.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yeah. Listen, I’m no Mark Harman but it was probably Stephane. She’s got big boobs, so she probably does big pads.

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Um, no I don’t.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay! I’m just gonna keep going with what happened. So, it looks like they tried to soak up the water with everyone’s coats. Then they nailed the bathroom door shut and paint over the doorknobs so no one can tell it was a door.

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: That sounds clever. Did that work?

Dad: Um, no! Then they went on my laptop and tried to order a new toilet on Amazon Prime.

Meghan: Honestly, wow!

Dad: Then, they G-chatted someone named ‘Meghan’s mom’ and said, “It happened again. Just like in church, but worse.”

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Whoever did it, just come forward! We’re all adults here. Everybody gets a period. We all get it the same way. Two strong weeks tapered with a week on either side. Cramps, medical farts, violence, sexual hallucinations. Ah! We need Mark Harman, honestly.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, look girls. Here’s the truth. I spoke to my insurance company and we’re looking at $ten,000 in damage and I really need to be able to tell them what happened. So, whoever did it, I hope would feel safe enough to tell me.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh! Come on, you guys! Just tell the hot dad that your period broke his whole house.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Meghan, can I talk to you a moment?

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: Yeah, how can I help?

Dad: I just wanna give you a chance away from anybody else. Is there anything that you wanna tell me?

Meghan: I think we should be together.

Dad: No. No!

Meghan: I gamed it out. Okay? The next six years, you’ll be with your wife while I go to college and learn things. And then Columbus day weekend freshman year, I come home, [claps] we bang!

Dad: Okay! No, Meghan. I give up.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: Wait! I have to confess something. I flushed the pad. I’m like, scared of tampons. I’m sorry.

Ego: Wait! I also flushed the pad.

Stephane: Wait! I did too.

Aidy: And I flushed many, many pads. Today, yesterday and everyday before that for a week and a half.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Wow! Thank you girls for your honesty. [Cut to everybody] Meghan, is there anything that you would like to say.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: No, there is not.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, girls. Have fun. I’m sure everything will be okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Girls: Thanks Mr. Pennyham.

[Cut to the house from the outside. The house blows up!] [The End]

Medieval Times

Mikey Day

King…Beck Bennett

Princess… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Blue Knight… Alex Moffat

Green Knight… Chris Redd

Red and Yellow Knight… Adam Driver

Kyle Mooney

Green Knight’s squire… Melissa Villaseñor

Red and Yellow Knight’s squire… Bowen Yang

[Starts with horns blowing in Medieval Times building] [Cut to Mikey, King and Princess. They’re wearing clothes of medieval age.]

Mikey: Lords and ladies welcome to Medieval Times in the mighty kingdom of New Jersey. Are you enjoying the garlic bread and entire small chicken?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Yeah! Whoo! This is good bird. Smells a little like horse crap in here though.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Fairly. What say you might, king and fair princess?

[Cut to King and Princess]

King: Bring forth the knights.

Princess: And let the tournament commence.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: As you wish. From the hills of Don With, it’s the brave Blue Knight!

[Cut to Blue Knight. He is wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Blue Knight: I fight for king and country.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the planes of Campweld, it’s the just, Green Knight!

[Cut to Green Knight. He is also wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Green Knight: My king, I pledge your fidelity.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the field of Firth, a knight who decided to wear his own costume from home for some reason. The noble Red and Yellow knight!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight. He is not wearing any armor.]

Red and Yellow Knight: My lands were taken. My village burnt on the orders of this false king. All because we would not pay his unjust tax.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Cameron. I know you’re taking that acting class, but please don’t do this.

Red and Yellow Knight: His soldiers murdered my son and ravaged my wife.

Mikey: Except, they didn’t! Now, don’t you have a greeting for the fair princess?

Red and Yellow Knight: Hi! [spits]

Mikey: No, please don’t say hi. Lords and ladies, the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh, that’s our guy. Cheers son! Whoo!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: My family lay murdered and you cheer?

[Cut to Kenan and his son serious.]

Kenan: I’m sorry. [raising his glass] Wench, can I get another– what’s this called? Pleasant punch? With this junk, I’ve been leaning.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: God, speak to our knights

[Red and Yellow Knight walks in]

Red and Yellow Knight: My son’s name was Brandon.

Mikey: No, it wasn’t. You have no son. Go away.

[Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away]

Now, as our knights prepare for the tournament, please welcome the Castle Falcon.

[Kyle walks in with a falcon]

Kyle: The falcon is famed for it’s intelligence. Now, prepare to be awed as it flies in a circle.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Oh! Look at him go. Look son.

Kyle: The falcon can fly pedro. Hop! That speeds up pedro, hop! Hop! [Red and Yellow Knight walks in slowly with a bow and arrow.] Moving 50 miles per–

[Mikey runs in to stop Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: That bird is a spy for the king.

Mikey: Cameron, your acting class is a community college class. [Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away] Now, come off.

King: Chill! I retire of this bird. Let the knights cross weapons.

Princess: I wish to see the Green Knight battle the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: And so you shall. Now, I ask the squires with which weapon will they do battle?

[Cut to Green Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Green Knight chooses a mace.

[His squire passes a mace to Green Knight] [Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Red and Yellow Knight has this which he brought from home. [His weapon is a mixture of every other weapons into one weapon.]

Red and Yellow Knight: The mongolian speaks the truth.
Squire: [Yelling] No!

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Apologies to Squire. That was unacceptable. Now, let the fight begin.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! Here we go. If your mama asks, I had only one of these, alright? Let’s go Red and Yellow.

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and Green Knight]

Green Knight: You’re not gonna hit me with that thing, right?

Red and Yellow Knight: Fear not. [Red and Yellow Knight puts the weapon down] I have no quarrel with the blackamore.

Green Knight: Blackamore? Na-ah! That’s strike two, bitch! I’m tired.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Strike two indeed. And now I’m hearing in my earpiece that our noble branch manager Steve P. would like to see you in his office immediately.

Red and Yellow Knight: Steve P. can wait for first I must slay this bloated bastard king!

Mikey: Okay, Steve P. is screaming. Please go.

Red and Yellow Knight: He charges you $110 for chicken and potato and does not give you the dignity of a fork?

[Cut to Kenan and his son. Kenan is eating his chicken with his hand.]

Kenan: Yeah, I do want a fork. No grown man should have to eat bake potato with his hands?

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: And when your children asks who killed this putrid king–

Mikey: No, no, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: Tell them it was I, Cameron Bissle. Sad and eligible. Justice!

[Cut to everybody. Red and Yellow Knight runs to attack the king]

Mikey: No, no.

[The king is running] [Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! This is a hell of a birthday son. Here, have a little sip of that.

[Kenan gives his son to have his drink] [The End]

Marrying Ketchups

Marge… Aidy Bryant

Geraldine… Heidi Gardner

Windermere… Adam Driver

Wanda… Cecily Strong

Cholula… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Lily’s Diner. Geraldine is cleaning the table.]

Marge: Geraldine, you okay closing up tonight? I’m meeting Lial for Mad Men trivia night.

Geraldine: Oh, I love that show.

Marge: Oh, not the show. It’s trivia about the mad men. Like, John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy and the Joker.

Geraldine: Oh. That sounds fun.

Marge: No. It’s more tense and unsettling. But hey, before you go, could you marry the half used ketchups together so they look full?

Geraldine: Yeah. No problem. Have fun, Marge. [Marge leaves] Alright, here it goes.

[Geraldine puts two ketchup bottles together] [Cut to the ketchup bottles as a man and a woman getting married.]

Windermere: Oh, you look incredible, Wanda.

Wanda: Thank you.

Windermere: No, really. So beautiful. [Wanda turns around] What’s the matter?

Wanda: Nothing. I’m just, um, happy. [sobbing] This is all so wonderful.

Windermere: Wanda, are you crying?

Wanda: No, no. No, I just haven’t opened up in a while and there’s tiny layer of water on the top.

Windermere: Well, listen. I know I’m no aioli, but I’ll good to you Wanda.

Wanda: Windermere, I can’t do this. I can’t marry someone I don’t love.

Windermere: But of course, we love each other. You’re just getting cold bottom of a bottle.

Wanda: Can’t you see? I’m not like you.

Windermere: Wanda, I know you’re only a quarter full and I’m three quarters full. But together, it won’t matter. We’ll just be one full ketchup.

Wanda: No. We won’t. Because I’m not ketchup at all. I’m Catsup.

[Windermere is shocked.]

Windermere: What did you just say?

Wanda: You heard me.

[Wanda pulls the written Ketchup sticker on her off. Underneath, it’s written Catsup.]

Windermere: You’re telling me I’ve been gallivanting around town with some cheap off brand generic ketchup?

[Wanda slaps Windermere]

Wanda: Don’t you dare! You’re not even Heinz, you dirty hunt.

Windermere: You’re really gonna call me a hunt in front of my family?

[Cut to moving ketchup bottles of different sizes] [Cut to Windermere and Wanda]

Windermere: And to think I trusted you.

Wanda: Oh, you believed what you wanted to believe Windermere. But you knew, deep down, you knew.

Windermere: Alright, look, we can always figure this out. We just need to get rid of that stuff inside you and wait until a real ketchup bottle breaks on the floor, then we’ll scoop up that ketchup and funnel it up into your bottle.

Wanda: I’m sorry. But, I’ve met someone else. His name’s Cholula.

[Cholula walks in and holds Wanda]

Cholula: Hey, what’s up guys?

Windermere: Hot sauce? You’re choosing hot sauce over ketchup?

Wanda: Oh, wake up Windermere! It’s 2023. No one waste precious calories on ketchup anymore. They want spice. They want peppery tang. They want to feel alive for once in their god damn life.

Windermere: Oh, you’re throwing your future away is what you’re doing. Ketchup is a perfect recipe. Do you even understand what umami is? The fifth taste. It’s in here, and that low rent corn seasoning wouldn’t know umami if it bit him in his wooden head.

Cholula: Hey man. It’s a cap. And it’s actually pretty satisfying when you touch it.

Windermere: I can’t believe I almost ruined my family’s recipe by mixing with the lights of Catsup. Mom, dad, Jeremy, Elizabeth, all cousins, let’s go.

[Cut to ketchup bottles of different sizes moving in a line] [Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: Well, Cholula doesn’t need umami because he’s a real condiment. Unlike some people, he doesn’t need me to slap him in the back just so he can perform.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: So, you’ve already been together.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: That’s right. We even have a packet together.

[Cut to a baby sauce packet making crying sound]

Easy now baby. Go back to sleep.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: Well, Wanda, I hope you’re happy. And I don’t relish telling you this but vinegar and I double teamed an order of fish and chips.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: I know. I went through you phone and looked at the photos. It looked delicious.

[Cut to Windermere, Wanda and Cholula]

Windermere: Goodbye Wanda.

Wanda: Goodbye, Windermere.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Cholula: Hey, and, um, great menu man! Sorry about all the– their stuff.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: Just treat her right, okay? Better than I could.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Cholula: Aite! Dope!

Wanda: Now, kiss me, Cholula. Kiss me with those sizzling peppery lips.

Cholula: Alright. Just try not to get me in your eyes though.

[Cut to Geraldine playing with a bottle of ketchup and Cholula.]

Geraldine: Muah! Oh, I love you Cholula. Oh, and I love you, ketchup.

[Marge walks in]

Marge: Geraldine. Everything okay in here?

Geraldine: Oh, I — Everything’s fine.

Marge: Just making the ketchup kiss the cholula?

Geraldine: Yes. Sorry.

Marge: Well, I didn’t say stop.

[The End]

Del Taco Shoot

Douglas… Kyle Mooney

Miranda… Chloe Fineman

Beck Bennett

Adam Driver

Jordan… Chris Redd

[Starts with Douglas and Miranda in a studio]

Douglas: So cool, right?

Miranda: Yeah, congrats on the gig. It’s actually a really fun commercial.

Douglas: Hey, I’m just here for check. Kidding!

Miranda: Ha-ha. True.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hello actors. Douglas, Miranda, thanks for being here. We’re so lucky we got our first choices.

Miranda: Oh, that’s so nice.

Douglas: That’s awesome.

Beck: Yeah. So, listen. Del Taco’s VP branding is here today. And he is very excited about their buck and under menu.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: Happy to be here. Have a good day.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, ready to give it a try?

Miranda: Yeah! Let’s do it.

Douglas: Definitely, yes. I almost didn’t make it today coz I almost stopped at Del Taco on the way.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: [laughing] Ya, save that. that’s funny.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, I’ll take these scripts. Jordan, ready to roll?

[Cut to Jordan behind the camera]

Jordan: Ready when you are, boss.

[Adam walks behind the camera]

Beck: Okay, quite on set. And, action.

[Cut to Douglas and Miranda] [music playing]

Miranda: Um-um. this Del Taco is amazing. You gotta get some.

Douglas: Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.

Miranda: Well, with Del Taco buck and under menu, you can get all this–

[Cut to Beck and Jordan]

Beck: Okay, you know, let’s hold that there.

[Adam walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Sorry to interrupt. Um, Miranda, that was great. Douglas, what we’re trying to get here is that you’re hungry but you’re all out of cash. So it’s like, “Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.”

Douglas: Okay.

Beck: Try that. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, it’s like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Sort of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s kind of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s more of, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, right, right. So, it’s “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No.

[Cut to Adam, Beck and Douglas]

Adam: Mark, can I talk to you?

Beck: Yes, sir.

[Beck walks to Adam]

Adam: He’s bad. He’s very, very bad. He should be fun and lively. It’s a buck and under menu for crying out loud. He should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Exactly! That’s perfect. Okay, I’ll handle it.

[Beck walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Miranda, killing it. Douglas, you’re kind of freaking us out. Coz you don’t want it to be bad, right?

Douglas: No, sir.

Beck: Alright. So, maybe it’s brighter.

Douglas: Oh,okay.

Beck: Yeah, we were thinking it’s kind if like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Got it. Yeah, yeah.

Beck: Yeah, let’s hear it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Adam walks in]

Adam: No, you don’t wanna kill yourself. You just want a taco. It should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay.

Adam: Now, say it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: You’re not a pervert.

Beck: He’s got to get out of his head.

Adam: I think we just gotta beat the hell out of this guy.

Beck: No. No, no, no. We can’t.

Adam: Oh, crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Beck: I know. Wait, wait! I’ve got an idea. Dougie, you gotta get out of your head and in your body. Loosen up, alright? Come on. [jumping] Hoo! Hoo! “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: [jumping with Beck] “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, you’re still tight. You gotta loose it up. Drop your pants. Pull it down. Get it off your body. Now breathe deep through your butt hole. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, no, no. Squat into it. Squat into it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No, you’re still reading like you’re a pervert. Put your shirt over like cornholio.

Douglas: Yes sir.

Adam: Alright, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No.

Beck: Dougie, you gotta slow it down. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Now he’s saying like he’s hard.

Douglas: Sorry sir. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Just throw out away.”Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes, that’s it. One more time.

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes! Nailed it. Finally.

Beck: Did we get that?

[Cut to Jordan]

Jordan: No!

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: It doesn’t matter. Great day people. That’s a wrap!

[The End]