Denise… Aidy Bryant
Richard… Rami Malek
Salesman… Bowen Yang[Starts with Denise and Richard checking out a mattress]
Denise: Oh, I like this one. It is so soft.
Richard: Yeah. But is it too soft? Look at me, like Goldilocks.[Salesman walks in]
Salesman: Hi, can I help you folks with anything today?
Richard: Um, we’re looking for a mattress, but we’re torn between these two.
Salesman: Oh, it is a big decision. We do spend a third of our lives in bed.
Denise: Wow, yeah, true. Hey, honey, why don’t we try it out so we can see how it would really feel.[Denise lies down on the mattress]
Richard: Okay. [to Salesman] Sometimes I get home late from work and it just wakes her up.
Salesman: Oh, sure. Just try this out, you’ll barely feel any movement. Go ahead.[Richard lies down with Denise]
Denise: Well, well, well. Look who’s finally home. Where were you?
Richard: Denise, you’re awake.
Denise: I am, and you reek of vermouth and whores.
Richard: Can we not do this Denise?
Denise: Oh, so I’m the problem? Go to hell! [Denise and Richard think for a moment] Yeah, this was good, right? I love it.
Richard: Yeah. Yeah. This is really, really comfortable.[Salesman is confused]
Richard: I can really picture us one this.
Denise: I know. Yeah.[trying the mattress again]
Richard: Goodnight, my love.
Denise: Goodnight. You were being weird at the party tonight.
Richard: I was having fun.
Denise: You kept talking to Andrea and Andrea is a bitch.
Richard: Am I on trial, you nagging shrew?[Denise and Richard think for a moment]
Denise and Richard: This is nice.
Denise: Yeah, honestly, I almost fell asleep.
Salesman: No, you guys were doing like, a little play.
Richard: Well, you know, we just want to make sure that the mattress is perfect for us.
Denise: Yeah, like you said, you know, we spent three thirds of our lives in bed.
Salesman: That is not what I said.
Richard: Honey, let’s try the other one.
Salesman: Yeah. Go head. You want to make sure the right decision.[Denise and Richard lie down on the other mattress]
Denise: Oh, okay. Sleep tight, Richard.
Richard: Oh, Deinse, you’re driving me wild with that night gown.
Denise: No, Richard. I’m tired.
Richard: Oh, really? You’ve been tired for a month, Denise. Whatever, goodnight.[Richard covers his hip with a bedsheet and pretends like he’s masturbating.]
Denise: Richard! I’m not even asleep yet and you’re jerking it?
Richard: I’m backed up and it’s pissing me off.
Denise: Oh, wow. Wow. You’re watching porn in our brand new sleepy town bed? Well, tell me the title. Tell me the title of the porn.
Salesman: Now, don’t tell her, man.
Richard: Hot lady gets adult detention.
Denise: Oh, you disgusting.[Denise and Richard think for a moment]
Denise and Richard: Oh, yeah. We love this one.
Denise: But you know what? I did like the other one too. Should we try it again?
Denise: See, this does feel just as nice.
Richard: It is so soft.
Salesman: So, what do we think? Hello? Are you guys asleep?
Denise: [screaming] Ah! There’s someone in the house.
Richard: I’ll get the gun.[Richard pulls out a gun from under the pillow]
Salesman: When did you put that thing there?
Denise: No, Richard, not that gun. Get the killing gun.[Denise pulls out a bigger gun from under her pillow and passes it to Denise]
Richard: Good thinking, Denise. Bang, bang.
Denise: Oh my god. You killed the intruder. You protected me. Damn. I’m so horny for you.
Richard: You come to me.
Denise: Yes. Do me like I’m in adult detention.[Denise and Richard start making out]
Salesman: Hey! Alright, enough! Enough! Please, you want to buy this mattress or what?
Denise: Oh god, the intruder is still alive. And he has your gun. Bang!
Richard: Ah! [acts like he’s been shot] I’m hit.
Richard: Goodbye, Denise. I love you.
Denise: You saved me. But I’m so horny. Oh, but my husband is dead. He’s dead in our bed from SleepyTown.
Male voice: SleepyTown, USA, “A bed for wife, a bed for life”.