Bill…..Kris Kristofferson Bob…..Chevy Chase Don Pardo…..Himself
[A superimposition reads: waiting for pardo. In ableak landscape, two tramps, resembling Estragon andVladimir — the protagonists of Samuel Beckett’s play”Waiting for Godot” — sit on a rock and engage indeliberately-paced, absurdist dialogue:]
Bill: Is he comin’?
Bob: I don’t think so.
Bill: Have you ever seen him?
Bob: No. Nobody has.
Bill: Well, how do you know he exists?
Bill: How do you know he exists?
Bob: I’ve heard him.
Bill: Where? On game shows?
Bob: Yes. “Jeopardy.”
Bill: We can’t wait much longer.
Bob: We don’t have much time.
Don Pardo: Yes, you do, boys! ‘Cause here’s good news![The tramps are mildly surprised to hear the campy,booming voice of legendary announcer Don Pardo rapidlyreading what sounds like ad copy as we iris to animage of wristwatches in deep space – the brand ofwatch is IMMANUEL KANT OF GERMANY] Space and time areempirically real but transcendentally ideal, Bill!Yours from Immanuel Kant — where Time and Space workhand-in-hand for you! [dissolve back to the tramps]
Bill: What’s it like?
Bill: The face of Pardo.
Bob: It’s been said that it’s very beautiful.
Bob: Though no one’s ever seen it.
Bill: Let’s look for it. [Bob looks inside a boot thathe carries while Bill looks skyward at the sound ofDon Pardo’s Olympian voice]
Don Pardo: Keep looking, boys! [iris to an image ofluggage – brand name: Spinoza] ‘Cause all things whichare are in themselves or in another thing, Bill!Another quality idea from Spinoza! [dissolve back tothe tramps]
Bob: [off his boot] Well, he’s not in here.
Bill: [off his shoe] Not in here either.
Bob: [tries to put on Bill’s shoe] It’s a struggle.
Bill: Puttin’ on your shoe?
Bob: No, puttin’ on yours.
Bill: [puts his hat on his foot] I think we’re losingthis game.
Don Pardo: No way, big fella! [iris to an image offine jewelry – brand name: MARX OF LONDON] Theproletarians have nothing to lose but their chains!Workers of the world unite, Bob! From “Das Kapital” byMarx! Back to you, Bill! [dissolve back to the tramps]
Bob: Tell me … you like my T-shirt?
Bill: I have one.
Bob: Let’s just … keep waiting.
Don Pardo: And you’ll be glad you did, you luckydevils, you! [iris to image of cruise ships with thewords 5 DAYS 6 NIGHTS – I CHING TO HONG KONG] Because,from the fabulous Book of Changes, comes success! Itfurthers one to cross the great water! Perseverancefurthers, Bill! From the good folks at I Ching!
Bill: He must be very smart.
Don Pardo: I think, therefore I am, Bill! [dissolve toimage of men’s designer slacks and the Eiffel Tower -brand name: René Descartes of Paris] Something tothink about from René Descartes of Paris! [dissolveback to the tramps]
Bob: Knock knock.
Bill: Who’s there?
Bill: Knock knock.
Bob: Who’s there?
Bob: One hundred bottles of beer on the wall …
Bill: One hundred bottles of beer …
Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall …
Bill: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall …
Bob: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall …
Don Pardo: And while you’re waiting for Pardo, have anice day, Bill! [dissolve to image of a smiley faceunderneath which is the name of Rod McKuen] Looselybased on a concept by Rod McKuen.
Bob: Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall …
Bill: Ninety-eight bottles of beer …
Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall …
[stage darkens] [cue accidental superimposition over Chevy and Kris, instead of over an unsuspecting audience member: “Making Loud Sucking Noises With tongue and Teeth, But You Can’t Hear Them”] [fade]
Narrator…..Michael O’Donoghue Aramis McCord…..Chevy Chase Kevin Brut…..Dan Aykroyd Cooperative Man…..John Belushi Black Man…..Garrett Morris
[Two uniformed officers in a police station lockerroom. One shuts his locker and turns to his partnerwho sits nearby, tying his shoes:]
Aramis McCord: Hey, Ace, what say we eat Chinesetonight?
Kevin Brut: I don’t know, partner. Seems to me, uh, weate Chinese a couple o’ nights ago.
Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Chinese. That wasPolynesian.
Kevin Brut: [rises] Same difference, pal, samedifference.
[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers tense up and lookoff-camera.]
Aramis McCord: It’s a code five. Let’s roll!
[With a weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve to afilmed insert of a city street using a rapidly panningcamera that blurs the image. Funky 1970s-style copshow music plays. A police siren wails.]
Narrator: Los Angeles, California, 1976 — a prettytough town. Remember all those people you saw lockedup on “Dragnet”? Well, they’re out now — every one ofthem. They’re out and it takes a new breed of cop tohandle them.
[Dissolve to an aerial view of L.A. — it’s atoy-sized model.]
Narrator: This is the story of that new breed: “PoliceState”!
[Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. A superimpositionreads: POLICE STATE as Matchbox cars and other tinyvehicles are occasionally thrown into the model set.The two police officers seen earlier are shown insetover the model city. They style their hair and try tolook super-cool. The narrator’s words are superimposedas he speaks them:]
Narrator: Starring Kevin Brut … and Aramis McCord.With Jeremy Musk as Captain Dan Hatchback. This week’sepisode: “If He Hollers” …
[Dissolve to the two cops standing outside a closedapartment door. Kevin Brut knocks. The door opens, thecops reach for their guns. A cooperative man appearsin the doorway.]
Cooperative Man: Yes?
Aramis McCord: Like a word with you, sir.
Cooperative Man: Sure thing.
[The cops immediately fire four noisy shots at thesuspect, killing him instantly. They make sure he’sdead, then holster their weapons and confer. McCordputs a hand on Brut’s shoulder.]
Aramis McCord: Hey, babe, how ’bout Italian? Nah, how’bout Indian? You wanna eat Indian? Have a littlechicken curry, what do ya say?
Kevin Brut: I don’t know, bro’. That stuff alwaysupsets my stomach. You know.
Aramis McCord: How ’bout Greek? We could eat Greek. Wecould have some lamb shish-ka-bob. Now, that won’tupset your stomach.
Kevin Brut: Well …
[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers look off camera.]
Aramis McCord: It’s a code eleven-fourteen. Let’s …roll!
[With their weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve tothe filmed insert of a city street using the rapidlypanning camera that blurs the image. Funky thememusic. Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city.Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. More Matchboxvehicles are hurled into the model set cluttering itwith a huge pile-up. Dissolve briefly to the blurredcity streets and then to a small room in which abearded man stands quietly with his arms raised,apparently having just hung a painting on the wall.The two cops burst in, guns drawn.]
Kevin Brut: Okay! Hold it right there!
[The cops immediately fire two shots and kill the maninstantly. The cops stand over the dead body, keepingtheir guns pointed at it.]
Kevin Brut: Okay! Freeze! [to the corpse] You have theright to remain silent. You have the right to anattorney and to have that attorney present duringquestioning. [The cops holster their guns andimmediately confer.]
Aramis McCord: How ’bout Italian? You always likeItalian.
Kevin Brut: Give me a break. Yeah, I’m tryin’ to losea few pounds, you know. [to the corpse] Anything yousay can and will be used against you in evidence.
Aramis McCord: Hey, how ’bout French?
Kevin Brut: You mean that little place over onAlameida with the colored umbrellas?
Aramis McCord: Hey, listen, old buddy, you can get anice brook trout, a carafe of white wine, a smallendive salad — what do you say?
[A loud BEEPING noise. The cops don’t even bother tolook.]
Aramis McCord: It’s a code six-oh-nine. Let’s roll!
[They exit the room in an unnecessarily roundaboutfashion by running along one wall, then to the door.Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Funky theme music and noisy sound effects.Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city. A gianthand pours lighter fluid on a now massive pile ofcrashed vehicles. Another hand sets the pile on fire.It burns nicely. The hands throw more vehicles intothe inferno. Dissolve to an apartment house staircasewhere a black man runs down, gunshots ringing out. Thetwo cops are right behind him, firing away. He fallsdown dead at the bottom of the stairs.]
Kevin Brut: Stop or I’ll shoot!
[McCord fires an extra shot into the dead man just tomake sure. The cops relax and holster their guns.]
Aramis McCord: Hey, champ. How would you feel aboutMexican? You’d like to, uh, kill Mexican tonight?
Kevin Brut: Didn’t we, uh, kill Mexican last night?
Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Mexican. That was Filipino.
Kevin Brut: Six o’ one, amigo, six o’ one. [They bothlaugh.] Come on, let’s go get a bite to eat.
Aramis McCord: Okay.
[Brut puts an arm around McCord and, smiling, theywalk to the camera and freeze as the music increasesin volume and the show’s credits rapidly roll by:
Also Appearing CHAD PINTO SHEP GREMLIN GRIFF MALIBU FARL DUSTER THAD DASHER GAR CHARGER
Produced by LUKE FURY III
Directed by GIL MAVERICK
Written by LINC POLARA ROY TORONADO CLIFF LAGUNA
Script Consultant TOD CAPRICE
Musical Director KIT MUSTANG
Talent Coordinators GUY VOLARE WALD COUGAR
[Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Noisy sound effects.]
Jeremy Musk: [voice over] This is Jeremy Musk. Hereare a few scenes from the next episode of “PoliceState” …
[Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city wherethe massive pile of crashed, burning vehicles hasgotten even larger. Dissolve back to McCord and Brut,still frozen, smiling into the camera as more creditsroll by and announcer Don Pardo puts in a final word:]
Edited by SCOTT MARLIN
Associate Producer DAG TORINO
Assistant to the Producer KEITH CAMARO
Unit Managers LANE JAVELIN BRIAN PACER
Makeup YVES LE BARON
Technical Director MERL BOBCAT
Audio ADAM SPRITE
Video MATT CIVIC
Lighting BEN GRANADA
Costume Designer KENT CORONET
Scenic Designer WARD CUTLASS
Associate Scenic Designer RAMSEY COLT
Stage Manager STACY RABBIT
Graphics BRAM ELITE
Don Pardo: Stay tuned for “SWAT, Police Tailor” — anofficer’s first duty is to his uniform.
[A final burst of 1970s cop show music and it’sfinally all over.] [dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on a woman at the end of the row ] [SUPER: “Coming up Next… Leprosy – The Ultimate Weight Loss Program?”] [the woman smiles, despite her confusion over the cryptic message] [whoops – an error in the control room! The correct slide appears:] [SUPER: “Will Remain A Virgin for One More Hour”] [she laughs, as we fade completely]
[FADE IN on Sherry sitting on the edge of a desk and smiling coyly. She is wearing a black leather gown covered with silver spikes and slit down the middle to reveal her entire cleavage.]
Sherry: [looking off camera] Thank you, Mr. Kristofferson. [to camera] Hellooo. My name is Sherry Norwalk. And I got special permission from the FCC–thats the Federal Communications Club–to come on television and tell my story. [plays with her hair] Okay, last October I went up to the Saturday Night offices cause I think the show is really boss, and I wanted tickets. Well, they were out of tickets, but as I was leaving, Dave Wilson, the director, said I had a bitchin bod, and would I like to come and spend the weekend with him up in Parsippany, New Jersey, cause his wife was dead? So I went up, and it was really great and everything, except his wife wasnt really dead, shed just gone shopping! God-created people can be SOOOOOO forgetful. Anyways, I got this phone call from the show the next day, and they said that Dave had recommended me for a job as a secretary for fourteen thousand, four hundred dollars a year!
Sherry: And they didnt even mind that I couldnt type, or file, or do shorthand. [pauses] So, they told me I was gonna do light secretarial work, and maybe help the writers out, if I could sometimes. And I did that. Like Alan Zweibel, hes this big Jewish writer? Well, he was really weird, man. He made me feel really guilty about the way his people suffered in Egypt? [laughter] So hed get undressed, and have me sing Go Down Moses.
Sherry: It got stranger, man, Im not kidding. Like did you know some comedy writers dont like to work a-a-in the office, they work at home and at night? And they dont write things DOWN, they act em out first! Like Tom Schiller asked me to act out a scene with him in his apartment. Then he called two other writers, Tom Davis and Al Franken? And–cause he said he was having trouble with his inspiration. [raises finger in air] Sooo, they came over, and we all acted out this scene, except it wasnt in the show. [makes a quizzical face] Which I thought was really weird, and after a while, it got even MORE disgusting. Like Michael ODonoghue? He just COULDNT finish writing the Star Trek skit unless I kept whispering to him the words, Rocket ships are okay, but your muscle is tremendous. [laughter] It was really disgusting.
[Sherry holds up a white audio cassette case.]
Sherry: And then there was Herb Sargent. Hes this older writer with white hair, and he was really like a father figure. A really strict father. Like, you know, he used to take his belt and tie me up and spank me! And I didnt even do anything WRONG!
[She puts down the cassette and picks up a thick hardcover book.]
Sherry: Anyways, thats why Ive written this book. Its called, I Was Not a Sucker for Saturday Night.
[Audience laughs as she holds up the book with the title on the front.]
Sherry: Cause a really think the public has a right to know.
Sherry: Saturday Night? Yes, okay, Ill be right up.
Sherry: I have to help Chevy write Update.
[She slides off the desk and walks behind it, revealing her bare back to the camera.]
Sherry: Okay, lets see, pad, pencil…
[She picks up a pad and pencil from the desk and then steps over toward a large floor-model vacuum cleaner.]
Sherry: [with dismay] And apparatus.
[She picks up the vacuum cleaner and slings the hose over her shoulder. A feather duster is sticking out of it.]
Sherry: Its really disgusting.
[She exits stage left over applause. FADE to a young blonde woman in the studio audience and SUPERIMPOSE, SURVIVOR OF OFFICE SNUFF PARTY. The caption flickers badly, and she peers into the monitor to try and read it. ZOOM OUT as she turns to her companion and covers her face in embarrassment.]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Don Pardo. Don Pardo, the official announcer of the 1976 Olympic Games.
Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Well, I don’t know. As far as anyone around here can tell, he’s just a washed-up game show announcer, I don’t know. He was an alcoholic for a while, a drug addict, a lot of misplaced rage and anger, and, you know, I think he just wants to be on camera. [ looks up ] I gotta go! [ hangs up phone ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not!
Announcer: [ miffed ] Nobody wants to be, Chubby!
Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight: Olga Korbut began the long, hard trek to the 1980 Olympic Games, after having suffered a humiliating defeat last week. Her first steps in the healing process will include hypnosis to improve her concentration, isometrics to improve muscle tone, and the mistaken shooting of Nadia Comenechi(?) to improve her chances.
President Ford arrived at the Olympic Stadium earlier today to meet with and congratulate the many American gold medalists. Not surprisingly, none of the athletes were in Munich. Said the bewildered Chief of State: “Congratulations to all of you. Where are you?”
Well, it has been exactly a year and a day since ex-Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa vanished. In commemoration, today, current Teamster President Frank Fitzsimmons once again mourned the disappearance of his longtime associate by placing a single candle in a cake of cement, and repeating that he felt Hoffa would always be a cornerstone in the organization.
For the first time ever, a Black man has won the Bob Hope Golf Classic. Quipped the victor: “I used to be a caddy, and now I drive one!” Tournament sponsor, Bob Hope himelf, is shown here lining up his putts.
Ronald Reagan announced today that he has more than the 1130 delegates needed to win the Republican Presidential nominaton. However, Reagan conceded that President Ford may also have more than enough delegates to be nominated. Reagan warned that having two nominees could hurt the Republicans in November.
Regan picked his choice of a vice-presidential running mate this week, and, in a surprise move that may hurt his chances in the coming convention, Reagan has told newsmen that Sen. Richard Schweiker of Pennsylvania will broaden his constituency and improve his knowledge of foreign affairs. Asked what his current assessment of our foreign policy is, Schweiker said: “The world is becoming a closer place, and Brute is a part of it.”
Well, the big story from Mars this week was the repair of the needle pin in the Viking I scoop, which made it possible to gather soil from the planet’s surface and conduct tests to see if life can exist there. On Wednesday, the scoop was extended, and, while analysis of the soil is still not complete, scienstists are almost certain that life cannot and has never existed on Mars. [ tin can scoops up some dirt near an old shoe ]
The Smothers Brothers announced this week that they are splitting up. Dick Smothers says he wants to spend mroe time with his family; Tommy says he will continue his career as soon as he breaks in a new brother.
Chevy Chase: Still to Come: Jack Ford campaigns for his dad in Cheyenne. After this message.
[ dissolve to ad parody for Talk Country ] [ dissolve back to Weekend Update news desk ]
Chevy Chase: Well, in Montreal tonight, the excitement once again mounts as finalists in the Boxing, Marathon, Equestrian, and Hurdles.
[ Chevy stares blankly at the incomplete news sheet, then chucks it aside ]
This bulletin about the Viking aircraft just in from correspondent Laraine Newman, reporting live from NASA. Come in, Laraine.
[ cut to Laraine Newman, dressed in a bikini and standing before a palm tree on some lush tropical isle ]
Laraine Newman: The air is clear, the sky is blue, and the waves… the breeze is wafting, Chevy. The sun is quite hot. I’ve been out for only fifteen minutes, and already I’ve got a difference. The temperature here is somewhere above 80, the humidity is high, and, except for the people who live here, almost everyone is on the American Plan. Uh, the food here is really good, Chevy —
Chevy Chase: Laraine?
Laraine Newman: Yes?
Chevy Chase: Excuse me, Laraine? Can you hear me?
Laraine Newman: Yes, Chevy!
Chevy Chase: Uh, Laraine — aren’t you supposed to be in NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration?
Laraine Newman: [ smiles ] That’s right, Chevy!
Chevy Chase: And, Laraine, aren’t you, in fact, in Nassau?
Laraine Newman: [ looks around dumbly ] You’re absolutely right, Chevy. [ a beat ] Will I have to pay for this?
[ cut back to Chevy at the desk ]
Chevy Chase: Correspondent Laraine Newman, paying for her own vacation in Nassau.
Spiro T. Agnew, under new attack for criticism of Israel, denied yesterday that he is Anti-Sematic(?). In a statement to the press, Agnew was quoted as saying: “I don’t judge a man according to his religious beliefs; I judge him according to the length of his nose.”
The former Vice-President went on to say: “All these allegations are pure nonsense — some of my best friends are Christ-killers.”
A tragedy at the Olympics: high jump champion Dwight Stone of Huntington Beach, California, became caught between the crossbars during the second heat of the event. The apparatus and Stone were taken to a nearby hospital, where he was safely removed from the bars with scissors and a blowtorch.
And our final story tonight took place today in Montreal, where Generalissimo Franicsco Franco scored a perfect 10 out of 10 in cadaver diving. It’s a relatively new sport in the Olympic competition. The former ruler of Spain, now known as El Cadaver, scored an upset over Daniel Gearhart, an ex-mercenary who was considered to be the favorite until he lost points for his execution.
Chevy Chase: Now for those of our viewers who may be growing tired of “Weekend Update”, I will not repeat tonight’s top story. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
…..Kris Kristofferson Bobby McGee/Paisner/Farber…..Gilda Radner Larry Farber…..John Belushi …..Rita Coolidge
[FADE IN on a closeup of Kris Kristoffersons hand strumming his guitar.]
Kris: “Busted flat in Baton Rouge, Im headin for a train…”
[PAN back to show him playing and singing as the audience applauds.]
Kris: “Feelin near as faded as my jeans…”
Kris: Thank you, thank you, thank you. That song is called Bobby McGee, and I wrote the thing back in 1969, and I guess you know how much it meant to me. What you probably dont know is there really was a Bobby McGee. Only it wasnt her name, it was Bobby Paisner, but I rhymed it… with me, and nothin rhymes with Paisner anyway, but it… somebody here at NBC took the trouble to hunt her down, and shes somewhere out there in the audience now, I aint seen her in seven years, and Id like you all to meet the real Bobby McGee. Bobby? Come up here.
[The band plays an instrumental of Bobby McGee as Bobby steps up to home base. She has frosted, curly hair and a salmon-colored dress, and she carries a white pocketbook in front of her. She and Kris grin awkwardly at each other while the band winds up.]
Kris: Wow! Bobby… [kisses her cheek]
Bobby: [in a nasal voice] Kris. [laughter] Its wonderful to see you, you look, you look just fabulous. Tell me honestly, would you have recognized me?
Kris: Sure, sure. [they laugh] You look a little, dress a little different… [looks her up and down] I dont think Id forget the shape, anyway.
Bobby: [embarrassed] Oh…
Kris: Oh, boy. Hey, what happened to you, uh…
Bobby: Oh, you mean in Salinas?
Bobby: Oh, I had to leave, Id really had it with the road, you know, four weeks is a long time to be away from home, you know. And, uh, my parents sent me this plane ticket back to Chicago, and they were so SUPPORTIVE, they fixed up my old room and everything. And, you know, Ill never forget it, my father said to me, You cant be a grasshopper your whole life. You know, so I went back to college and I got my teaching certificate.
Kris: [stares lovingly at her] Wow…
Kris: So youre a teacher.
Bobby: Well, I never actually got a chance to teach, because thats when, uh, I met Larry.
Kris: [quietly] Larry who?
Bobby: Larry Farber.
[Larry leaps up to home base.]
Larry: Hi, how are ya, Kris, nice to meet ya!
[Wearing a gray plaid blazer with a red tie and dark-rimmed glasses, Larry reaches for Kriss hand and pumps it heartily while the audience applauds.]
Bobby: This is my husband, Kris, Larry Farber.
Bobby: Hes in, uh, womans pocketbooks.
Larry: Yeah, lemme get a picture of you two over here. Cmon, get together here now, lets see…
[Larry pulls out a camera with a tall flash bar and motions for Bobby to stand next to Kris. Kris dutifully puts his arm around Bobbys shoulder.]
Larry: Cmon, lets see that little smi–aha!
[Bobby grins widely for him. Larry snaps a couple of quick shots and then turns and waves at the TV camera.]
Larry: [in a nasal voice] Hi, kids! Hi, Tracy, hi, Jason! How are ya?
Larry: Theyre our kids, I promised Id say hello.
Kris: Hey, this is live TV…
Bobby: Theyre watching in Highland Park. Hi, kids.
Larry: Hi, kids!
Kris: [awkwardly] Well, thats really terrific, uh, your kids are out there…
Bobby: Yeah, you know something? Tracy, uhthey just LOVE you, youre their–theyre your biggest fans! Kris, really. Yknow, they always listen to your record. Their favorite one is 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.
Larry: Yknow, all I ever hear them listen to is Elton John. [cracks up]
Bobby: Oh, Larrys such a joker, youre such a joker, Larry, hes really a joker.
Kris: [flatly] I bet you guys have a lot of yuks, dont ya?
Bobby: Um, Kris, Larrys never heard you sing. Could you sing Bobby McGee for him?
Kris: Oh, now, he dont wanna hear it.
Larry: Come on!
Bobby: Yes he does, really, he wants to hear it, Kris? Its our song, right? Its our song.
Larry: Yeah, yknow Bobby tells me youve been quite a MAN out there, pal. [claps his shoulder] Hey?
Bobby: God knows, I never saw a penny. [laughter] Go ahead and sing it, though, Kris, please.
[Kris starts playing his guitar.]
Kris: Well, “I–lets see–I took my harpoon out Of my dirty red bandanna, Blowin sad while Bobby sang the blues…”
[Larry claps his hands out of time and does a very bad samba.]
Bobby: Oh, I love it.
Kris: “Them windshield wipers slappin time, And Bobby clappin hands…”
Larry: Yeah, I love it. Really, nice.
Bobby: Yeah, you know… You know, Ive waited so long for the two of you to meet, really.
Larry: Oh, yeah.
Bobby: You know, Kris, Ive told Larry all about you.
Kris: All about me?
Larry: [joshing] Whats that supposed to mean?
[They both pant and guffaw stupidly for a moment.]
Bobby: [to Kris] We really had some good times, didnt we?
Kris: [clearly uncomfortable] Yeah, they were some crazy, zany old times!
Bobby: Yeah. Cmon, Kris, finish the song, yknow, a lot of my friends back in Highland Park dont believe that Im the real Bobby McGee. So, could you just sing it for them, please, sing the rest of the song?
Kris: Uh, look–
Bobby: Please? Please?
[Kris haltingly picks a few notes.]
Bobby: [grinning] Pretty please, with sugar on top? Please? Could you sing it, Kris?
Kris: [muttering quickly through his lines] Somewhere near Salinas, well, I let her slip away…
Bobby: Yeah. Yeah.
Kris: California, coal mines of Kentucky to the California sun, Bobby shared the secrets of my soul…
Larry: Hey, when were you in Kentucky, sweetheart?
Kris: [softly] Standin right beside me, through everything I done…
Larry: Uh, I, I thought you were just hitchhiking back to school!
Kris: [softly] Every night she kept me from the cold…
Bobby: Larry, it was a long time ago.
[They all stop while Larry glares at Kristofferson.]
Larry: Kept me from the cold? Is that what you said? Kept me from the cold?
Bobby: Yes, he said kept me from the cold.
Larry: [getting sore] I thought you just talked! I thought it was one afternoon, uh, I thought you said you just happened to get a ride in the same truck at one time, that was it!
Bobby: [in a monotone] Look, LARRY, it was a long time ago, it was dark, there was a thunderstorm, it was chilly, it looked like night. Enough is enough. [turns back to Kris and smiles] Go ahead, Kris, sing the song.
Kris: Standin in the road…
Larry: [shortly] Go ahead, sing it. Cmon.
Kris: I dont think its ever gonna be that–
Bobby: He wants to hear the rest of it, cmon.
Larry: I wanna hear that song!
Kris: [at breakneck speed] Somewhere near Salinas, I let her slip away, looking for the love I hope she finds–she found…
Bobby: [humming along] Mm, mm…
Kris: Id trade all my tomorrows for some single yesterday, and holding Bobbys body next to mine–
Larry: Okay, okay, holding Bobbys body next to mine. Wait. Look, I get the picture. Im not stupid. You know, I may not be a folk singer, but I am not stupid. I know whats goin on, holding Bobbys body next to mine.
Bobby: Larry, I dont believe this. I dont believe you could–
Larry: Let him ANSWER it! Cmon!! What is that supposed to mean, fella?
Kris: Hey, Frank–Far–Larry…
Larry: LARRY! Larry Farber.
Kris: [losing patience] When youre in the front seat of a truck–
Kris: –and theres three of you, and when you got a… a… harpoon…
Larry: Yeah, sure.
Kris: And a bandanna…
Kris: Somebodys butt is going to be next to somebody elses.
Larry: [shoves him] Yeah, howd ya like to step outside for a knuckle sandwich pal? Cmon! [removes jacket]
Larry: [slips back into jacket] Cmon, weirdo! Lets go! Cmon, pal!
[Rita Coolidge suddenly walks up from backstage and stops next to Kris.]
Kris: [to Bobby] Honey, I would like you to meet somebody real special. [to Rita] This is Bobby McGee. And her, its Bobby…
Bobby: [smiles at Rita] Its Bobby Farber now, right.
Kris: And her husband Larry.
Bobby: This is my husband Larry Farber, womans pocketbooks, right. [holds out pocketbook]
Larry: [waves briefly at Rita] Nice to meet you.
Rita: [smiles politely to Bobby] Its beautiful.
Bobby: Thank you. Uh– [to Kris] Listen, uh, just one last thing for me, Kris. Could you just finish the song, please? A lot of people dont believe–
Kris: [quickly] Freedoms just another word for nothin left to lose…
Bobby: [droning] Nothin left but nothin every daaaaaay, nothing aint worth nothing… [to Larry] I wrote the na na-na part.
Larry: [sullenly] Yeah, I know.
[They all sing for a moment while Kris plays.]
Bobby: Remember the na na-na part? [sings] Na na-na, na na-na na na…
Larry: Feeling good was… good enough for YOU!
Bobby: Na na-na, na na na-na…
Larry: It was good then! Now, now what does it take, huh?
[CUT to Kris and Rita as they watch in disbelief.]
Larry: Next two weeks in the Caribbean, now, to set you straight.
Larry: Yeah, the charge card, the tennis lessons for the kids, a house in Benton Harbor, the analyst…
Bobby: Na na-na, na na na-na…
Larry: The damned analyst, the KIDS damned analyst. I shoulda been a damned FOLK singer, thats what I shoulda been!!
Bobby: Larry, youre making a–
Larry: AW, NO! I shoulda been a folk singer, and grown a beard! [grabs Bobbys arm] No, lets get out of here!
Bobby: [slaps his arm] No!
Larry: [dragging her offstage] Were getting out of here!!
[He growls at her and pulls her quickly off past the cameras. Audience applauds as Kris and Rita watch them go in disbelief.]
Rita: Thats Bobby McGee? I mean, thats Bobby McGee?
Kris: [takes a deep breath] That was a long time ago, things were different in the 60s. [to audience] Wait! Well be right back in a few minutes, folks! [to Rita] Listen, this one means a lot to me…
[As they talk quietly, PAN back over applause and FADE to black.]
Louise Lasser’s MonologueSummary: Louise Lasser falls apart after the cue card with her personal story is switched, and sulks to her dressing room. Members of the cast try to coax her out, including the Land Shark (Chevy Chase), who is able to fool her into doing so.
Human Hair PotholdersSummary: Sandra Goode (Jane Curtin) and Squeaky Fromme (Laraine Newman) advertise their product from the tranquility of their prison cell.
Recurring Characters: Squeaky Fromme.
Woman & DogSummary: Louise Lasser performs a scene with her dog.
Cathode Ray TubeSummary: Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, and Jane Curtin sing their ode to the cathode ray tube.
Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: John Belushi interviews Olga Korbut (Gilda Radner) following her defeat by newcomer Nadia Comanici. Fake footage uses toys to recreate the Viking I spacecraft landing on top of its Mars welcome committee.
Teen TalkSummary: Teenagers Jane (Jane Curtin) and Gilda (Gilda Radner) talk about boys.
Gilda Radner: Uh, Chevy, uh – I don’t think it’s that John was hurt, it’s just that he thinks you’re getting more attention than he is. You know what I mean?
Chevy Chase: [ he shrugs ] That’s not a good excuse.
Gilda Radner: Well, I know. But I don’t think he was that hurt…
Chevy Chase: [ pointing at the camera ] We’re on! we’re on the air.
[ they all look at the camera and smile ]
Chevy Chase: Well, here we are!
Gilda Radner: Back from vacation!
Chevy Chase: And we want money!
[ John Belushi enters ]
Gilda Radner: Hi, John!
John Belushi: What’s going on?
[ Belushi shakes hands with everybody, as the audience applauds enthusiastically ]
John Belushi: How’s everybody doing?
Garrett Morris: Great!
John Belushi: Yeah, yeah. I just got in from L.A. Anyhow, it’s nice to see you. Gilda, you’re so sweet. Jane! How’s Patrick doing?
Jane Curtin: [ smiling ] Just fine, just fine!
John Belushi: Danny!
Dan Aykroyd: Hi, John!
[ Belushi looks up at Chevy ]
John Belushi: Ohhh, Mr. Chase.
[ the cast looks on uncomfortably ]
Dan Aykroyd: I’ll give you a drive home, John.
John Belushi: Yeah.
Chevy Chase: How you doing? Nice suit.
John Belushi: Thanks. Listen, Chevy, uhh — I’ve been thinking about, uh, what I said and stuff, and, uh… we’ve been together a long time, we’ve been friends a long time, and I don’t think that should, you know, stop us from being friends. You know, we gotta work together, so what do you say? Huh? Let bygones be bygones?
Chevy Chase: Are you serious?
John Belushi: Yeah.
[ Chevy looks to the other cast members ]
Jane Curtin: Go on! Go on!
[ Chevy hugs Belushi ]
John Belushi: Heyyy!
[ the rest of the cast cheer them on ]
John Belushi: Hey, man, yeah!
Chevy Chase: [ holding out his hands for low-fives ] Let’s do the show, huh! [ John slaps him ten ] Alright! Now we’re talking! Alright, you’re serious about it, now, right?
[ they begin to do an elaborate seriers of high-fives — forward, backwards, kneeling, across their shoes, etc. ]
[ finally, they take it too far and begin to knock fists and punch one another playfully ]
[ Belushi punches Chevt one hard, sending him flying over a folding chair and flat onto the floor by the audience’s feet ]
Chevy Chase: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Peter Lemon Moodring ..written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Announcer…..Michael O’Donoghue Peter Lemon Moodring…..Chevy Chase
[ open on cocktail lounge singer Peter Lemon Moodring sitting on a stool, drinking a Scotch out of the same hand that holds a lit cigarette ] [ SUPER: “Peter Lemon Moodring” ]
Announcer: Peter Lemon Moodring. The ultimate love-rock experience.
Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “When Sunny gets blue-ue-ue..”
[ Peter’s face and hands turn a dark shade of blue as he sings ]
Announcer: Yes, when “Sunny Gets Blue”, Peter gets blue, too. A haunting, ultra-marine blue that reflects Peter’s intense inner thoughts on life. A life that is gay, exciting, and yet, sometimes, a little lonely.
[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of yellow as he sings ]
Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“Tie a yellow ribbon ’round that ole oak tree-ee-ee It’s the same oak tree-ee-ee –“
Announcer: But the mood brightens, and Peter turns a rich canary-yellow. He’s just happy to be working, and you’ll be happy watching him work.
[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of tangerine as he sings ]
Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “Tang-er-iiiiiiine!”
Announcer: Turning the color of his favorite leisure suit, Peter imagines himself out on the town, a Broadway show, an intimate dinner for two, and all the sangria he can drink. Here’s looking at you, Peter.
[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of ruby as he sings ]
Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“Rubyyyyyyy Ruby, you’re such a dreeeeeeeam –“
Announcer: Curl up, get cozy as the mood mellows, and Peter glows like the embers of a dying fire. Warm, relaxed, sensual – he’s in touch with his emotions, and his emotions are sure to touch you.
[ Peter’s face and hands turn to black as he sings ]
Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“Black is black! I want my baby back. Black! Black!”
Announcer: It’s no use trying to hide your real feelings – not when you’re Peter Lemon Moodring, and you’ve lsot your baby. He’s one man who you can judge by the color of his skin.
[ Peter’s face and hands turn to the full colors of the rainbow as he sings ]
Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“Some-wherrrrrre, over the rainboooooow Way up hiiiiiigh –“
Announcer: But the storm passes, as storms always do, and Peter bursts into a kaleidoscope of color, spanning the full spectrum of human emotions. Don’t leave yourcamera home, because he’s a sight you’ll want to share with your granchildren.
[ Peter’s face and hands turn to lines of red, white and blue as he sings ]
Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “Three cheers for the red, white and blue –“
Announcer: And three cheers for Peter Lemon Moodring, for a bicentennial salute that puts Old Glory herself to shame.
[ Peter’s face and hands turn to combined shades of red and gold as he sings ]
Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“The falling leeeeeaves Drift past my window –“
Announcer: Peter Lemon Moodring. Coming soon to a cocktail lounge near you.
[ SUPER: “Peter Lemon Moodring” ]
Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “– leeeeeaves.. of red.. and gooooooooold.”
Announcer: Color him.. unforgettable.
[ Peter’s face and hands return to normal, as he places his cigarette in his mouth and smiles smugly at the camera ] [ dissolve to an audience member clapping. The camera zooms down, as the joke card appears late on the screen. ] [ SUPER: “Beautiful When Angry” ] [ too late – the camera is already halfway down to the Samurai Tailor sketch ]
[ open on John Belushi stepping in front of green-screen projection of the “Samurai Deli” sketch ]
John Belushi: Hi! I’m John Belushi. That’s me doing the “Samurai Deli” scene. It’s a classic piece of comedy I made famous last year on “NBC’s Saturday Night”.
You know, a lot of people come up to me and say, “You have a distinctive look. How can I capture that look for myself?” Well, I’m very proud to announce, after months of work, to unveil my very personal project. I’m finally able to offer you my exclusive line of men’s clothing. I have personally selected, out of hundreds of styles and fabrics, clothes with that distinctive John Belushi style. Clothes that I made famous on “NBC’s Saturday Night”. Clothes like I’m wearing right now.
Uh, for instance — this reversible vest. [ he removes it ] You can wear it, uh, this way… or the other way. It’s got buttons on both sides, you see. Uh — this shirt. It’s a very personal shirt, it can be worn any way you like. [ he yndoes the buttons on the cuffs ] Uh, the sleeves roll down, you can roll the sleeves up like this… you see? It’s a very nice, very nice shirt. [ he loosens his collar ] You can open up the collar like this, kind of cool and breezy. I personally selected this shirt out of HUNDREDS, and I paid $12 for it. You can have it for $3. Or you can make me an offer. Right now. This shirt. Three dollars. The vest — again, uniquely Belushi. I paid $17 retail… eight bucks! Huh? Please.
The hat — [ he places a cap on his head with sunglasses ] The shades. Living trademarks of an unerpaid TV actor. Waht do you say? Five bucks! Huh? Come on! Please! I’m serious. Buy my clothes. These clothes — now! Really. I need the cash. I do. Please. Look at this shirt! This shirt’s in great condition!
Listen — if you send it soon, you can buy my albums. Really! [ he holds up rock albums ] I’ve got Cream here — Wheels of Fire, it’s a great album. I’ve got some Stones. The Doors were really something… before Jim died. I’ve got some Grand Funk — I only listened to it once. Okay. Uh — I got a lot of good ones. Moby Grape, some of The Beach Boys’ early stuff. Uh… anything you want. A lot of albums. A buck a piece. What do you say? It’s a good deal! A dollar. Huh?
I got, uh… [ he holds up a radio ] A radio! It doesn’t work… but if you’re good with your hands and you like working with electricity, uh, you could fix it! Really! Make me an offer! What do you say? Good shirt, huh? Nice shirt? You wanna buy it? Really! Listen — if you care about my career… if you care about my work… you’ll buy my shirt.
[ dissolve to address card:
JOHN BELUSHI WARDROBE Rock Center New York, New York” ]
Announcer: The John Belushi Wardrobe. Clothes of distinction. Only worn once.