SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: Bobby McGee

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Bobby McGee

…..Kris Kristofferson
Bobby McGee/Paisner/Farber…..Gilda Radner
Larry Farber…..John Belushi
…..Rita Coolidge

[FADE IN on a closeup of Kris Kristofferson’s hand strumming his guitar.]

Kris: “Busted flat in Baton Rouge,
I’m headin’ for a train…”

[PAN back to show him playing and singing as the audience applauds.]

Kris: “Feelin’ near as faded as my jeans…”

[stops playing]

Kris: Thank you, thank you, thank you. That song is called “Bobby McGee,” and I wrote the thing back in 1969, and I guess you know how much it meant to me. What you probably don’t know is there really was a Bobby McGee. Only it wasn’t her name, it was Bobby Paisner, but I rhymed it… with “me,” and nothin’ rhymes with “Paisner” anyway, but it… somebody here at NBC took the trouble to hunt her down, and she’s somewhere out there in the audience now, I ain’t seen her in seven years, and I’d like you all to meet the real Bobby McGee. Bobby? Come up here.

[The band plays an instrumental of “Bobby McGee” as Bobby steps up to home base. She has frosted, curly hair and a salmon-colored dress, and she carries a white pocketbook in front of her. She and Kris grin awkwardly at each other while the band winds up.]

Kris: Wow! Bobby… [kisses her cheek]

Bobby: [in a nasal voice] Kris. [laughter] It’s wonderful to see you, you look, you look just fabulous. Tell me honestly, would you have recognized me?

Kris: Sure, sure. [they laugh] You look a little, dress a little different… [looks her up and down] I don’t think I’d forget the shape, anyway.

Bobby: [embarrassed] Oh…

Kris: Oh, boy. Hey, what happened to you, uh…

Bobby: Oh, you mean in Salinas?

Kris: Yeah.

Bobby: Oh, I had to leave, I’d really had it with the road, you know, four weeks is a long time to be away from home, you know. And, uh, my parents sent me this plane ticket back to Chicago, and they were so SUPPORTIVE, they fixed up my old room and everything. And, you know, I’ll never forget it, my father said to me, “You can’t be a grasshopper your whole life.” You know, so I went back to college and I got my teaching certificate.

Kris: [stares lovingly at her] Wow…

Bobby: Yeah.

Kris: So you’re a teacher.

Bobby: Well, I never actually got a chance to teach, because that’s when, uh, I met Larry.

Kris: [quietly] Larry who?

Bobby: Larry Farber.

[Larry leaps up to home base.]

Larry: Hi, how are ya, Kris, nice to meet ya!

[Wearing a gray plaid blazer with a red tie and dark-rimmed glasses, Larry reaches for Kris’s hand and pumps it heartily while the audience applauds.]

Bobby: This is my husband, Kris, Larry Farber.

Larry: Hi!

Bobby: He’s in, uh, woman’s pocketbooks.

Larry: Yeah, lemme get a picture of you two over here. C’mon, get together here now, let’s see…

[Larry pulls out a camera with a tall flash bar and motions for Bobby to stand next to Kris. Kris dutifully puts his arm around Bobby’s shoulder.]

Larry: C’mon, let’s see that little smi–aha!

[Bobby grins widely for him. Larry snaps a couple of quick shots and then turns and waves at the TV camera.]

Larry: [in a nasal voice] Hi, kids! Hi, Tracy, hi, Jason! How are ya?

Kris: What?

Larry: They’re our kids, I promised I’d say hello.

Kris: Hey, this is live TV…

Bobby: They’re watching in Highland Park. Hi, kids.

Larry: Hi, kids!

Kris: [awkwardly] Well, that’s really terrific, uh, your kids are out there…

Bobby: Yeah, you know something? Tracy, uh––they just LOVE you, you’re their–they’re your biggest fans! Kris, really. Y’know, they always listen to your record. Their favorite one is “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.”


Larry: Y’know, all I ever hear them listen to is Elton John. [cracks up]

Bobby: Oh, Larry’s such a joker, you’re such a joker, Larry, he’s really a joker.

Kris: [flatly] I bet you guys have a lot of yuks, don’t ya?

Bobby: Um, Kris, Larry’s never heard you sing. Could you sing “Bobby McGee” for him?

Kris: Oh, now, he don’t wanna hear it.

Larry: Come on!

Bobby: Yes he does, really, he wants to hear it, Kris? It’s our song, right? It’s our song.

Larry: Yeah, y’know Bobby tells me you’ve been quite a MAN out there, pal. [claps his shoulder] Hey?

Bobby: God knows, I never saw a penny. [laughter] Go ahead and sing it, though, Kris, please.

[Kris starts playing his guitar.]

Kris: Well, “I–let’s see–I took my harpoon out
Of my dirty red bandanna,
Blowin’ sad while Bobby sang the blues…”

[Larry claps his hands out of time and does a very bad samba.]

Bobby: Oh, I love it.

Kris: “Them windshield wipers slappin’ time,
And Bobby clappin’ hands…”

[fades out]

Larry: Yeah, I love it. Really, nice.

Bobby: Yeah, you know… You know, I’ve waited so long for the two of you to meet, really.

Larry: Oh, yeah.

Bobby: You know, Kris, I’ve told Larry all about you.

Kris: All about me?

Larry: [joshing] What’s that supposed to mean?

Bobby: LARRY…

Larry: Okay.

Bobby: Okay.

[They both pant and guffaw stupidly for a moment.]

Bobby: [to Kris] We really had some good times, didn’t we?

Kris: [clearly uncomfortable] Yeah, they were some crazy, zany old times!

Bobby: Yeah. C’mon, Kris, finish the song, y’know, a lot of my friends back in Highland Park don’t believe that I’m the real Bobby McGee. So, could you just sing it for them, please, sing the rest of the song?

Kris: Uh, look–

Bobby: Please? Please?

[Kris haltingly picks a few notes.]

Bobby: [grinning] Pretty please, with sugar on top? Please? Could you sing it, Kris?

Kris: [muttering quickly through his lines] “Somewhere near Salinas, well, I let her slip away…”

Bobby: Yeah. Yeah.

Kris: “California, coal mines of Kentucky to the California sun, Bobby shared the secrets of my soul…”

Larry: Hey, when were you in Kentucky, sweetheart?

Kris: [softly] “Standin’ right beside me, through everything I done…”

Larry: Uh, I, I thought you were just hitchhiking back to school!

Kris: [softly] “Every night she kept me from the cold…”

Bobby: Larry, it was a long time ago.

[They all stop while Larry glares at Kristofferson.]

Larry: “Kept me from the cold?” Is that what you said? “Kept me from the cold”?

Bobby: Yes, he said “kept me from the cold.”

Larry: [getting sore] I thought you just talked! I thought it was one afternoon, uh, I thought you said you just happened to get a ride in the same truck at one time, that was it!

Bobby: [in a monotone] Look, LARRY, it was a long time ago, it was dark, there was a thunderstorm, it was chilly, it looked like night. Enough is enough. [turns back to Kris and smiles] Go ahead, Kris, sing the song.

Kris: “Standin’ in the road…”

Larry: [shortly] Go ahead, sing it. C’mon.

Bobby: C’mon.

Larry: C’mon!

Kris: “I don’t think it’s ever gonna be that–”

Bobby: He wants to hear the rest of it, c’mon.

Larry: I wanna hear that song!

Kris: [at breakneck speed] “Somewhere near Salinas, I let her slip away, looking for the love I hope she finds–she found…”

Larry: Uh-huh.

Bobby: [humming along] Mm, mm…

Kris: “I’d trade all my tomorrows for some single yesterday, and holding Bobby’s body next to mine–”

Larry: Okay, okay, “holding Bobby’s body next to mine.” Wait. Look, I get the picture. I’m not stupid. You know, I may not be a folk singer, but I am not stupid. I know what’s goin’ on, “holding Bobby’s body next to mine.”

Bobby: Larry, I don’t believe this. I don’t believe you could–

Larry: Let him ANSWER it! C’mon!! What is that supposed to mean, fella?

Kris: Hey, Frank–Far–Larry…

Bobby: Larry.

Larry: LARRY! Larry Farber.

Kris: [losing patience] When you’re in the front seat of a truck–

Larry: Yeah?!

Kris: –and there’s three of you, and when you got a… a… harpoon…

Larry: Yeah, sure.

Kris: And a bandanna…

Larry: Yeah?

Kris: Somebody’s butt is going to be next to somebody else’s.

Larry: [shoves him] Yeah, how’d ya like to step outside for a knuckle sandwich pal? C’mon! [removes jacket]

Bobby: LARRY!!

Larry: [slips back into jacket] C’mon, weirdo! Let’s go! C’mon, pal!

[Rita Coolidge suddenly walks up from backstage and stops next to Kris.]

Kris: [to Bobby] Honey, I would like you to meet somebody real special. [to Rita] This is Bobby McGee. And her, it’s Bobby…

Bobby: [smiles at Rita] It’s Bobby Farber now, right.

Kris: And her husband Larry.

Bobby: This is my husband Larry Farber, woman’s pocketbooks, right. [holds out pocketbook]

Larry: [waves briefly at Rita] Nice to meet you.

Rita: [smiles politely to Bobby] It’s beautiful.

Bobby: Thank you. Uh– [to Kris] Listen, uh, just one last thing for me, Kris. Could you just finish the song, please? A lot of people don’t believe–

Kris: [quickly] “Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose…”

Bobby: [droning] “Nothin’ left but nothin’ every daaaaaay, nothing ain’t worth nothing…” [to Larry] I wrote the “na na-na” part.

Larry: [sullenly] Yeah, I know.

Bobby: Okay?

[They all sing for a moment while Kris plays.]

Bobby: Remember the “na na-na” part? [sings] “Na na-na, na na-na na na…”

Larry: “Feeling good was…” good enough for YOU!

Bobby: “Na na-na, na na na-na…”

Larry: It was good then! Now, now what does it take, huh?

[CUT to Kris and Rita as they watch in disbelief.]

Larry: Next two weeks in the Caribbean, now, to set you straight.

Bobby: Larry–

Larry: Yeah, the charge card, the tennis lessons for the kids, a house in Benton Harbor, the analyst…

Bobby: “Na na-na, na na na-na…”

Larry: The damned analyst, the KIDS’ damned analyst. I shoulda been a damned FOLK singer, that’s what I shoulda been!!

Bobby: Larry, you’re making a–

Larry: AW, NO! I shoulda been a folk singer, and grown a beard! [grabs Bobby’s arm] No, let’s get out of here!

Bobby: [slaps his arm] No!

Larry: [dragging her offstage] We’re getting out of here!!

[He growls at her and pulls her quickly off past the cameras. Audience applauds as Kris and Rita watch them go in disbelief.]

Rita: That’s Bobby McGee? I mean, that’s Bobby McGee?

Kris: [takes a deep breath] That was a long time ago, things were different in the ‘60s. [to audience] Wait! We’ll be right back in a few minutes, folks! [to Rita] Listen, this one means a lot to me…

[As they talk quietly, PAN back over applause and FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: Waiting For Pardo

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Waiting For Pardo

Bill…..Kris Kristofferson
Bob…..Chevy Chase
Don Pardo…..Himself

[A superimposition reads: waiting for pardo. In ableak landscape, two tramps, resembling Estragon andVladimir — the protagonists of Samuel Beckett’s play”Waiting for Godot” — sit on a rock and engage indeliberately-paced, absurdist dialogue:]

Bill: Is he comin’?

Bob: I don’t think so.

Bill: Have you ever seen him?

Bob: No. Nobody has.

Bill: Well, how do you know he exists?

Bob: What?

Bill: How do you know he exists?

Bob: I’ve heard him.

Bill: Where? On game shows?

Bob: Yes. “Jeopardy.”

Bill: We can’t wait much longer.

Bob: We don’t have much time.

Don Pardo: Yes, you do, boys! ‘Cause here’s good news![The tramps are mildly surprised to hear the campy,booming voice of legendary announcer Don Pardo rapidlyreading what sounds like ad copy as we iris to animage of wristwatches in deep space – the brand ofwatch is IMMANUEL KANT OF GERMANY] Space and time areempirically real but transcendentally ideal, Bill!Yours from Immanuel Kant — where Time and Space workhand-in-hand for you! [dissolve back to the tramps]

Bill: What’s it like?

Bob: What?

Bill: The face of Pardo.

Bob: It’s been said that it’s very beautiful.

Bill: Yes.

Bob: Though no one’s ever seen it.

Bill: Let’s look for it. [Bob looks inside a boot thathe carries while Bill looks skyward at the sound ofDon Pardo’s Olympian voice]

Don Pardo: Keep looking, boys! [iris to an image ofluggage – brand name: Spinoza] ‘Cause all things whichare are in themselves or in another thing, Bill!Another quality idea from Spinoza! [dissolve back tothe tramps]

Bob: [off his boot] Well, he’s not in here.

Bill: [off his shoe] Not in here either.

Bob: [tries to put on Bill’s shoe] It’s a struggle.

Bill: Puttin’ on your shoe?

Bob: No, puttin’ on yours.

Bill: [puts his hat on his foot] I think we’re losingthis game.

Don Pardo: No way, big fella! [iris to an image offine jewelry – brand name: MARX OF LONDON] Theproletarians have nothing to lose but their chains!Workers of the world unite, Bob! From “Das Kapital” byMarx! Back to you, Bill! [dissolve back to the tramps]

Bob: Tell me … you like my T-shirt?

Bill: I have one.

Bob: Bloomingdale’s?

Bill: Macy’s.

Bob: Let’s just … keep waiting.

Don Pardo: And you’ll be glad you did, you luckydevils, you! [iris to image of cruise ships with thewords 5 DAYS 6 NIGHTS – I CHING TO HONG KONG] Because,from the fabulous Book of Changes, comes success! Itfurthers one to cross the great water! Perseverancefurthers, Bill! From the good folks at I Ching!

Bill: He must be very smart.

Don Pardo: I think, therefore I am, Bill! [dissolve toimage of men’s designer slacks and the Eiffel Tower -brand name: René Descartes of Paris] Something tothink about from René Descartes of Paris! [dissolveback to the tramps]

Bob: Knock knock.

Bill: Who’s there?

Bob: Bob.

Bill: Knock knock.

Bob: Who’s there?

Bill: Bill.

Bob: One hundred bottles of beer on the wall …

Bill: One hundred bottles of beer …

Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall …

Bill: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall …

Bob: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall …

Don Pardo: And while you’re waiting for Pardo, have anice day, Bill! [dissolve to image of a smiley faceunderneath which is the name of Rod McKuen] Looselybased on a concept by Rod McKuen.

Bob: Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall …

Bill: Ninety-eight bottles of beer …

Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall …

[stage darkens] [cue accidental superimposition over Chevy and Kris, instead of over an unsuspecting audience member: “Making Loud Sucking Noises With tongue and Teeth, But You Can’t Hear Them”] [fade]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: Police State

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Police State

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Narrator…..Michael O’Donoghue
Aramis McCord…..Chevy Chase
Kevin Brut…..Dan Aykroyd
Cooperative Man…..John Belushi
Black Man…..Garrett Morris

[Two uniformed officers in a police station lockerroom. One shuts his locker and turns to his partnerwho sits nearby, tying his shoes:]

Aramis McCord: Hey, Ace, what say we eat Chinesetonight?

Kevin Brut: I don’t know, partner. Seems to me, uh, weate Chinese a couple o’ nights ago.

Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Chinese. That wasPolynesian.

Kevin Brut: [rises] Same difference, pal, samedifference.

[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers tense up and lookoff-camera.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code five. Let’s roll!

[With a weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve to afilmed insert of a city street using a rapidly panningcamera that blurs the image. Funky 1970s-style copshow music plays. A police siren wails.]

Narrator: Los Angeles, California, 1976 — a prettytough town. Remember all those people you saw lockedup on “Dragnet”? Well, they’re out now — every one ofthem. They’re out and it takes a new breed of cop tohandle them.

[Dissolve to an aerial view of L.A. — it’s atoy-sized model.]

Narrator: This is the story of that new breed: “PoliceState”!

[Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. A superimpositionreads: POLICE STATE as Matchbox cars and other tinyvehicles are occasionally thrown into the model set.The two police officers seen earlier are shown insetover the model city. They style their hair and try tolook super-cool. The narrator’s words are superimposedas he speaks them:]

Narrator: Starring Kevin Brut … and Aramis McCord.With Jeremy Musk as Captain Dan Hatchback. This week’sepisode: “If He Hollers” …

[Dissolve to the two cops standing outside a closedapartment door. Kevin Brut knocks. The door opens, thecops reach for their guns. A cooperative man appearsin the doorway.]

Cooperative Man: Yes?

Aramis McCord: Like a word with you, sir.

Cooperative Man: Sure thing.

[The cops immediately fire four noisy shots at thesuspect, killing him instantly. They make sure he’sdead, then holster their weapons and confer. McCordputs a hand on Brut’s shoulder.]

Aramis McCord: Hey, babe, how ’bout Italian? Nah, how’bout Indian? You wanna eat Indian? Have a littlechicken curry, what do ya say?

Kevin Brut: I don’t know, bro’. That stuff alwaysupsets my stomach. You know.

Aramis McCord: How ’bout Greek? We could eat Greek. Wecould have some lamb shish-ka-bob. Now, that won’tupset your stomach.

Kevin Brut: Well …

[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers look off camera.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code eleven-fourteen. Let’s …roll!

[With their weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve tothe filmed insert of a city street using the rapidlypanning camera that blurs the image. Funky thememusic. Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city.Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. More Matchboxvehicles are hurled into the model set cluttering itwith a huge pile-up. Dissolve briefly to the blurredcity streets and then to a small room in which abearded man stands quietly with his arms raised,apparently having just hung a painting on the wall.The two cops burst in, guns drawn.]

Kevin Brut: Okay! Hold it right there!

[The cops immediately fire two shots and kill the maninstantly. The cops stand over the dead body, keepingtheir guns pointed at it.]

Kevin Brut: Okay! Freeze! [to the corpse] You have theright to remain silent. You have the right to anattorney and to have that attorney present duringquestioning. [The cops holster their guns andimmediately confer.]

Aramis McCord: How ’bout Italian? You always likeItalian.

Kevin Brut: Give me a break. Yeah, I’m tryin’ to losea few pounds, you know. [to the corpse] Anything yousay can and will be used against you in evidence.

Aramis McCord: Hey, how ’bout French?

Kevin Brut: You mean that little place over onAlameida with the colored umbrellas?

Aramis McCord: Hey, listen, old buddy, you can get anice brook trout, a carafe of white wine, a smallendive salad — what do you say?

[A loud BEEPING noise. The cops don’t even bother tolook.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code six-oh-nine. Let’s roll!

[They exit the room in an unnecessarily roundaboutfashion by running along one wall, then to the door.Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Funky theme music and noisy sound effects.Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city. A gianthand pours lighter fluid on a now massive pile ofcrashed vehicles. Another hand sets the pile on fire.It burns nicely. The hands throw more vehicles intothe inferno. Dissolve to an apartment house staircasewhere a black man runs down, gunshots ringing out. Thetwo cops are right behind him, firing away. He fallsdown dead at the bottom of the stairs.]

Kevin Brut: Stop or I’ll shoot!

[McCord fires an extra shot into the dead man just tomake sure. The cops relax and holster their guns.]

Aramis McCord: Hey, champ. How would you feel aboutMexican? You’d like to, uh, kill Mexican tonight?

Kevin Brut: Didn’t we, uh, kill Mexican last night?

Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Mexican. That was Filipino.

Kevin Brut: Six o’ one, amigo, six o’ one. [They bothlaugh.] Come on, let’s go get a bite to eat.

Aramis McCord: Okay.

[Brut puts an arm around McCord and, smiling, theywalk to the camera and freeze as the music increasesin volume and the show’s credits rapidly roll by:

Also Appearing

Produced by

Directed by

Written by

Script Consultant

Musical Director

Talent Coordinators

[Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Noisy sound effects.]

Jeremy Musk: [voice over] This is Jeremy Musk. Hereare a few scenes from the next episode of “PoliceState” …

[Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city wherethe massive pile of crashed, burning vehicles hasgotten even larger. Dissolve back to McCord and Brut,still frozen, smiling into the camera as more creditsroll by and announcer Don Pardo puts in a final word:]

Edited by

Associate Producer

Assistant to the Producer

Unit Managers


Technical Director




Costume Designer

Scenic Designer

Associate Scenic Designer

Stage Manager


Don Pardo: Stay tuned for “SWAT, Police Tailor” — anofficer’s first duty is to his uniform.

[A final burst of 1970s cop show music and it’sfinally all over.] [dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on a woman at the end of the row ] [SUPER: “Coming up Next… Leprosy – The Ultimate Weight Loss Program?”] [the woman smiles, despite her confusion over the cryptic message] [whoops – an error in the control room! The correct slide appears:] [SUPER: “Will Remain A Virgin for One More Hour”] [she laughs, as we fade completely]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday Night

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday Night

Sherry Norwalk…..Laraine Newman

[FADE IN on Sherry sitting on the edge of a desk and smiling coyly. She is wearing a black leather gown covered with silver spikes and slit down the middle to reveal her entire cleavage.]

Sherry: [looking off camera] Thank you, Mr. Kristofferson. [to camera] Hellooo. My name is Sherry Norwalk. And I got special permission from the FCC–that’s the Federal Communications Club–to come on television and tell my story. [plays with her hair] Okay, last October I went up to the “Saturday Night” offices ‘cause I think the show is really boss, and I wanted tickets. Well, they were out of tickets, but as I was leaving, Dave Wilson, the director, said I had a bitchin’ bod, and would I like to come and spend the weekend with him up in Parsippany, New Jersey, ‘cause his wife was dead? So I went up, and it was really great and everything, except his wife wasn’t really dead, she’d just gone shopping! God-created people can be SOOOOOO forgetful. Anyways, I got this phone call from the show the next day, and they said that Dave had recommended me for a job as a secretary for fourteen thousand, four hundred dollars a year!


Sherry: And they didn’t even mind that I couldn’t type, or file, or do shorthand. [pauses] So, they told me I was gonna do light secretarial work, and maybe help the writers out, if I could sometimes. And I did that. Like Alan Zweibel, he’s this big Jewish writer? Well, he was really weird, man. He made me feel really guilty about the way his people suffered in Egypt? [laughter] So he’d get undressed, and have me sing “Go Down Moses.”

[riotous laughter]

Sherry: It got stranger, man, I’m not kidding. Like did you know some comedy writers don’t like to work a-a-in the office, they work at home and at night? And they don’t write things DOWN, they act ‘em out first! Like Tom Schiller asked me to act out a scene with him in his apartment. Then he called two other writers, Tom Davis and Al Franken? And–’cause he said he was having trouble with his inspiration. [raises finger in air] Sooo, they came over, and we all acted out this scene, except it wasn’t in the show. [makes a quizzical face] Which I thought was really weird, and after a while, it got even MORE disgusting. Like Michael O’Donoghue? He just COULDN’T finish writing the “Star Trek” skit unless I kept whispering to him the words, “Rocket ships are okay, but your muscle is tremendous.” [laughter] It was really disgusting.

[Sherry holds up a white audio cassette case.]

Sherry: And then there was Herb Sargent. He’s this older writer with white hair, and he was really like a father figure. A really strict father. Like, you know, he used to take his belt and tie me up and spank me! And I didn’t even do anything WRONG!

[She puts down the cassette and picks up a thick hardcover book.]

Sherry: Anyways, that’s why I’ve written this book. It’s called, “I Was Not a Sucker for Saturday Night.”

[Audience laughs as she holds up the book with the title on the front.]

Sherry: ‘Cause a really think the public has a right to know.

[phone rings]

Sherry: Saturday Night? Yes, okay, I’ll be right up.

[hangs up]

Sherry: I have to help Chevy write Update.

[She slides off the desk and walks behind it, revealing her bare back to the camera.]

Sherry: Okay, let’s see, pad, pencil…

[She picks up a pad and pencil from the desk and then steps over toward a large floor-model vacuum cleaner.]

Sherry: [with dismay] And apparatus.

[She picks up the vacuum cleaner and slings the hose over her shoulder. A feather duster is sticking out of it.]

Sherry: It’s really disgusting.

[She exits stage left over applause. FADE to a young blonde woman in the studio audience and SUPERIMPOSE, “SURVIVOR OF OFFICE SNUFF PARTY.” The caption flickers badly, and she peers into the monitor to try and read it. ZOOM OUT as she turns to her companion and covers her face in embarrassment.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Don Pardo. Don Pardo, the official announcer of the 1976 Olympic Games.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Well, I don’t know. As far as anyone around here can tell, he’s just a washed-up game show announcer, I don’t know. He was an alcoholic for a while, a drug addict, a lot of misplaced rage and anger, and, you know, I think he just wants to be on camera. [ looks up ] I gotta go! [ hangs up phone ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not!

Announcer: [ miffed ] Nobody wants to be, Chubby!

Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight: Olga Korbut began the long, hard trek to the 1980 Olympic Games, after having suffered a humiliating defeat last week. Her first steps in the healing process will include hypnosis to improve her concentration, isometrics to improve muscle tone, and the mistaken shooting of Nadia Comenechi(?) to improve her chances.

President Ford arrived at the Olympic Stadium earlier today to meet with and congratulate the many American gold medalists. Not surprisingly, none of the athletes were in Munich. Said the bewildered Chief of State: “Congratulations to all of you. Where are you?”

Well, it has been exactly a year and a day since ex-Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa vanished. In commemoration, today, current Teamster President Frank Fitzsimmons once again mourned the disappearance of his longtime associate by placing a single candle in a cake of cement, and repeating that he felt Hoffa would always be a cornerstone in the organization.

For the first time ever, a Black man has won the Bob Hope Golf Classic. Quipped the victor: “I used to be a caddy, and now I drive one!” Tournament sponsor, Bob Hope himelf, is shown here lining up his putts.

Ronald Reagan announced today that he has more than the 1130 delegates needed to win the Republican Presidential nominaton. However, Reagan conceded that President Ford may also have more than enough delegates to be nominated. Reagan warned that having two nominees could hurt the Republicans in November.

Regan picked his choice of a vice-presidential running mate this week, and, in a surprise move that may hurt his chances in the coming convention, Reagan has told newsmen that Sen. Richard Schweiker of Pennsylvania will broaden his constituency and improve his knowledge of foreign affairs. Asked what his current assessment of our foreign policy is, Schweiker said: “The world is becoming a closer place, and Brute is a part of it.”

Well, the big story from Mars this week was the repair of the needle pin in the Viking I scoop, which made it possible to gather soil from the planet’s surface and conduct tests to see if life can exist there. On Wednesday, the scoop was extended, and, while analysis of the soil is still not complete, scienstists are almost certain that life cannot and has never existed on Mars. [ tin can scoops up some dirt near an old shoe ]

The Smothers Brothers announced this week that they are splitting up. Dick Smothers says he wants to spend mroe time with his family; Tommy says he will continue his career as soon as he breaks in a new brother.

Chevy Chase: Still to Come: Jack Ford campaigns for his dad in Cheyenne. After this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for Talk Country ] [ dissolve back to Weekend Update news desk ]

Chevy Chase: Well, in Montreal tonight, the excitement once again mounts as finalists in the Boxing, Marathon, Equestrian, and Hurdles.

[ Chevy stares blankly at the incomplete news sheet, then chucks it aside ]

This bulletin about the Viking aircraft just in from correspondent Laraine Newman, reporting live from NASA. Come in, Laraine.

[ cut to Laraine Newman, dressed in a bikini and standing before a palm tree on some lush tropical isle ]

Laraine Newman: The air is clear, the sky is blue, and the waves… the breeze is wafting, Chevy. The sun is quite hot. I’ve been out for only fifteen minutes, and already I’ve got a difference. The temperature here is somewhere above 80, the humidity is high, and, except for the people who live here, almost everyone is on the American Plan. Uh, the food here is really good, Chevy —

Chevy Chase: Laraine?

Laraine Newman: Yes?

Chevy Chase: Excuse me, Laraine? Can you hear me?

Laraine Newman: Yes, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: Uh, Laraine — aren’t you supposed to be in NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration?

Laraine Newman: [ smiles ] That’s right, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: And, Laraine, aren’t you, in fact, in Nassau?

Laraine Newman: [ looks around dumbly ] You’re absolutely right, Chevy. [ a beat ] Will I have to pay for this?

[ cut back to Chevy at the desk ]

Chevy Chase: Correspondent Laraine Newman, paying for her own vacation in Nassau.

Spiro T. Agnew, under new attack for criticism of Israel, denied yesterday that he is Anti-Sematic(?). In a statement to the press, Agnew was quoted as saying: “I don’t judge a man according to his religious beliefs; I judge him according to the length of his nose.”

The former Vice-President went on to say: “All these allegations are pure nonsense — some of my best friends are Christ-killers.”

A tragedy at the Olympics: high jump champion Dwight Stone of Huntington Beach, California, became caught between the crossbars during the second heat of the event. The apparatus and Stone were taken to a nearby hospital, where he was safely removed from the bars with scissors and a blowtorch.

And our final story tonight took place today in Montreal, where Generalissimo Franicsco Franco scored a perfect 10 out of 10 in cadaver diving. It’s a relatively new sport in the Olympic competition. The former ruler of Spain, now known as El Cadaver, scored an upset over Daniel Gearhart, an ex-mercenary who was considered to be the favorite until he lost points for his execution.

Chevy Chase: Now for those of our viewers who may be growing tired of “Weekend Update”, I will not repeat tonight’s top story. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mr. Spock…..Chevy Chase
Captain Kirk…..John Belushi
Mr. Sulu…..Akira Yoshimura
Lt. Uhura…..Doris Powell
Voice of Mr. Scott…..Dan Aykroyd
Dr. McCoy…..Dan Aykroyd
Herb Goodman…..Elliot Gould
Curtis…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: The following program is brought to you in livingcolor by NBC.

Mr. Spock: Captain Kirk to the bridge! Captain Kirk to the bridge!

Captain Kirk: Yes, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: Sensors are picking up an unidentified vessel, Captain, headed straight for us.

Captain Kirk: Range, Mr. Sulu?

Mr. Sulu: .43 light years, sir, and closing fast.

Captain Kirk: Lt. Uhura, open a hailing frequency.

Lt. Uhura: I’ve been trying to reach them, but there’s been noresponse, sir.

Captain Kirk: [ into microphone ] This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Identify yourself. [ to Uhura ] Put them on the viewscreen, full magnification.

Lt. Uhura: Aye aye, sir.

Captain Kirk: [ into microphone ] Repeat. Identify yourself.[ viewscreen shows a maroon 1968 Chrysler limo flying behind them ] What kind of ship is that, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: Fascinating, Captain. It would appear to be an earlygas combustion vehicle, at least two or three hundred years old.

Captain Kirk: Run it through the computer. Find out what thoselittle numbers mean. I want answers.

Mr. Spock: Process visual feed. Analyze and reply.

Captain Kirk: I have a hunch, Mr. Spock, that we are about to face a menace more terrifying than the flying parasites of Ingraham B; more insidious than the sand-bats of Manark 4; more bloodthirsty than the vampire clouds of Argus 10. I have a hunch that “thing” out there is deadlier than the Romulans, the Klingons, and the Gorns all rolled into one.

Mr. Spock: Here is the readout, Captain. The computer has identified the alien vessel as a 1968 Chrysler Imperial with a tinted windshield and retractable headlights.

Captain Kirk: And the little blue and orange numbers?

Mr. Spock: That’s called a “California license plate”, and it’sregistered, or was in 1968, to a corporation known as “NBC”. Wait.. there’s something more.. The computer isn’t sure, but it thinks this NBC used to manufacture cookies.

Captain Kirk: Could that be some sort of illusion, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: It’s no illusion, Captain. Scanner readings indicate two life forms inside that craft.

Captain Kirk: Mr. Sulu, increase speed to Warp Factor Eight.

Mr. Sulu: But, sir, that’s only for the most extreme emergencies. The ship can’t take it.

Captain Kirk: You heard my order, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: Aye aye, sir.

Captain Kirk: [ recording Log ] Captain’s Log, Stardate 3615.6. On a routine delivery of medical supplies to Earth Colony 9, we are being chased through space by an automobile three centuries old, owned by a company that manufactured cookies. It would all seem silly if it weren’t for this feeling of dread that haunts me, a sense of impending doom.

Mr. Sulu: They’re right behind us, Captain.

Captain Kirk: Let’s lose them, Mr. Sulu. Prepare for evasive action. Helm hard to port! ..Hard to starboard! ..Hard to port!

Mr. Spock: Frankly, Captain, I’m exhausted.

Captain Kirk: Me, too. Stabilize, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: Look, Captain, it’s no use. We can’t shake them.

Captain Kirk: Then we’ll give them a fight they won’t forget. [ into intercom ] All hands! Man your battle stations! This is not a drill! Red alert! Man your battle stations! Red alert!

Mr. Spock: But, Captain..

Captain Kirk: Lock phasers on target, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: Phasers locked on target, sir.

Mr. Spock: But, Captain, you can’t..

Captain Kirk: Stand by to fire.

Mr. Sulu: Phasers standing by, sir.

Mr. Spock: But, Captain, we don’t know who the aliens are, or what they want. To kill them without warning would be highly illogical.

Captain Kirk: Fact: their intentions are unknown. Fact: I amresponsible for the lives of 430 crewmen. And, fact: I can’t afford totake any chances. Fire main phasers! [ nothing happens ] I said, “Fire main phasers!”

Mr. Sulu: I’m trying, sir. Nothing is happening.

Captain Kirk: Arm and lock photon torpedoes, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: They’re not working either, Captain.

Captain Kirk: Deflectors up.

Mr. Sulu: Captain, the helm does not respond. The controlsare dead.

Mr. Spock: We’re slowing down, Captain. We’re stopping.

Captain Kirk: Bridge to engine room, acknowledge.

Voice of Mr. Scott: [ through control panel ] Scotty here, Captain.

Captain Kirk: What in blazes is going on, Scotty?

Voice of Mr. Scott: I dinna know, Captain. We’re losing power, and I don’t know why!

Captain Kirk: Well, do something, man! Go to manual override. Cut in auxilery systems.

Voice of Mr. Scott: Saints preserve us, Captain, but even theemergency systems are out.

Captain Kirk: Well, fix it, Scotty. I don’t care how, but fix it! The lives of 430 crewmen hang in the balance.

Mr. Spock: Life support system are still operative, Captain.

Captain Kirk: But for how long, Mr.Spock? For how long?Lieutenant Uhura, inform Starfleet Command of our situation.

Lt. Uhura: All communications are dead, Captain.

Dr. McCoy: Jim, Jim.. I.. I.. Jim..

Captain Kirk: Great God, man, spit it out!

Dr. McCoy: The aliens have boarded us, Jim, and they’re headed this way!

Captain Kirk: But how, Bones? How did they get on board? Did they beam on? Did they suddenly materialize?

Dr. McCoy: No, they just sort of stepped out from behind thecurtains.

Mr. Spock: Describe them, Doctor.

Dr. McCoy: There’s two of them. Bipeds, humanoid in appearance.Their clothing is drab except for a bright piece of cloth worn around the neck of the leader.

Mr. Spock: Was their anything else odd about their clothing?

Dr. McCoy: I’m a doctor, not a tailor, dammit! Wait, there was one other thing about them that seemed a bit strange. They spoke English! Quick, Jim, I hear them coming up the Turbo-lift! They’ll be here in seconds!

Captain Kirk: We’ll be ready for them, Doctor. [ they all pointtheir phasers at the entranceway as two executives enter ] Welcome aboard the Starship Enterprise. I’m Captain James T. Kirk, representing the United Federation of Planets.

Herb Goodman: Hi, I’m Herb Goodman, head of programming for thenetwork.

Captain Kirk: Stand back, I won’t hesitate to shoot!

Herb Goodman: Can I have your attention. Curtis, you want to turn off those sound effects?

Curtis: Sure thing. [ turns sound effects off ]

Herb Goodman: Everyone, please, can I have your attention? I have an announcement to make. Due to low Nielsen ratings, we at NBC have decided to cancel “Star Trek”.

Captain Kirk: Fire at my command!

Herb Goodman: On your way out, stop by the cashier’s office andpick up your checks.

Captain Kirk: Set phasers on “stun.” Fire!

Dr. McCoy: They’re not firing, Jim!

Captain Kirk: Try “kill!”

Dr. McCoy: Nope, still nothing.
Herb Goodman: You’ll make sure the property department gets those things back ,won’t you, fellas?

Mr. Spock: Most peculiar, Captain.. I can only conclude that they possess some sort of weapons deactivator, in which case I shall merely render him unconcious with my famous Vulcan nerve pinch.

Herb Goodman: Of course, if it was up to me, you could keep them – as souvenirs, give them to your kids, whatever.. But you see, they’re planning to market a complete line of Trekkie merchandise, and I have to send these to Taiwan to be copied.. [ Mr. Spock applies the Vulcan nerve pinch, but Goodman misinterprets his action ] ..Isn’t that fabric something? You just can’t buy material like this in the States. No way! But I was lucky enough to find this great little tailor who flies in from London four times a year.. oh, Nimoy, we’ll need those ears back, too, I’m afraid. [ pulls Spock’s rubber ears off ]

Dr. McCoy: For God’s sake, man, we’re on a five-year mission toexplore space, the final frontier, and dammit, we’ve only been out three years!

Herb Goodman: Sorry, but it’s those Nielsens. If it was up tome, of course..

Captain Kirk: What are these “Nielsens” that the alienkeeps mentioning, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: If I remember my history correctly, Captain, Nielsenswere a primitive system of estimating television viewers once used in the mid-twentienth century.

Dr. McCoy: If Man were meant to fly, he’d have better ratings, is that what you’re saying, Mr. Goodbody, whatever your name is? Come on, George, Nichelle.. let’s go tie one on.

Lt. Uhura: I’m with you, Kelley.

Mr. Sulu: Maybe I’ll just go home..

Captain Kirk: Belay that kind of talk, Dr. McCoy.

Dr. McCoy: Forget it, Bill. We lost. It’s over. Are you coming, Leonard? [ Spock attempts nerve pinch on Dr. McCoy ] Knock it off, you joker!

Captain Kirk: Wait, Mr. Spock! We have yet to try Vulcan mind meld, where you actually enter the alien’s brain, merge with his intelligence and read his thoughts.

Mr. Spock: I entered Mr. Goodman’s mind while you were talking to Dr. McCoy, Captain. [ Curtis enters and pries the set apart with a crowbar ] It was all.. all dark and empty in there. And.. and there were little mice in the corners and spiders had spun this web..

Captain Kirk: Spock!

Mr. Spock: I kept bumping my head on the ceiling, and once..

Captain Kirk: Snap out of it, Spock!

Mr. Spock: [ with a shudder ] It’s okay, Captain.. I’m alright now.

Herb Goodman: What do you think, Curtis? Any chance we can sell this junk to “Lost in Space”?

Curtis: Well, it all comes apart..

Captain Kirk: Hey, get away from there!

Curtis: Right on, Buck Rogers! Is that an order?

Captain Kirk: No, it can’t end like this! I won’t let it! This is my ship! I give the orders here! I give the commands! I am responsible for the lives of 430 crewmen, and I’m not going to let them down! There’s got to be a way out!

Curtis: Let’s go, boys.

[ a group of NBC stagehands enter and begin to dismantle the set ]

Mr. Spock: You are becoming quite emotional, Captain. Needless to say, my trained Vulcan mind finds such open displays of emotion distasteful. Emotion, you see, intereferes with logic, and it is only by dealing with problems in a logical, scientific fashion that we can arrive at valid solutions. Now, with regard to the alien takeover of the Enterprise, I would suggest that we seek some new alternative, based upon exact computer analysis, of course, and taking into consideration elements of.. [ suddenly breaks into a weeping lunatic ] ..Oh, God! I don’t believe it! We’re cancelled! How could they do this? Everyone I know loves the show! I have a contract! What about my contract! I want my ears back!

Herb Goodman: Curtis, can you give me a hand here?

Curtis: I have a couple Valium in my tool box, maybe that’ll help.

[ Spock exits the set ]

Captain Kirk: So, it’s just me, is it? Well, I’ve been in tougher spots. Surrender? No way. I’d rather go down with the ship!

Herb Goodman: Oh, Shatner, your agent called you. Something about a margarine commercial. He said he’d call back.

Captain Kirk: Captain’s Log, final entry. We have tried to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. And except for one television network, we have found intelligent life everywhere in the galaxy. Live long and prosper. Captain James T. Kirk, SC 937-0176 CEC.

[ camera zooms out to show Captain Kirk/William Shatner sitting alone in what is revealed to be an empty TV studio. Further zoom out reveals studio cameras, boom mikes and technicians. Fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: Gynecologist Blind Date

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Gynecologist Blind Date

Judy…..Jane Curtin
Gynecologist…..Kris Kristofferson

[In her apartment, Judy sits on the sofa and talks onthe phone.]

Judy: Margie, listen, he’s in the bathroom so I’ve gotto talk fast. Okay, remember how Eileen said that thiswould be the greatest blind date of my life — he’scute, he’s fun, he’s a doctor? He’s my gynecologist…. Because she never told me his last name, that’swhy! … Well, nothing’s happened so far except hesaid my pap test came out okay. … Well, I don’tknow, it’s just so awkward. I mean, the last time Isaw his face, it was coming up between my knees. …It’s embarrassing. I just don’t know if I can gothrough– [a door opens] I gotta get off — he’scoming. [quickly hangs up, pretends to read amagazine]

Gynecologist: [enters] Well, “Silent Movie” comes onat eight o’clock and, uh, “The Omen” — it might bea–

Judy: I-I-I-I, um, I don’t think I can go through withthis.

Gynecologist: What?

Judy: Going out with you. Going out with mygynecologist.

Gynecologist: Why? [joins Judy on sofa]

Judy: Well … because … I don’t even know whatmovie we’re seeing yet and you’ve already gotten tothird base.

Gynecologist: Hey, uh, Judy, all I did was perform aprofessional service for ya, just like an accountant.It’s like, it’s like if you were datin’ youraccountant.

Judy: Hey, I wouldn’t mind if you’d seen the inside ofmy checkbook.

Gynecologist: Look, let’s talk about somethin’ else,change the subject. That’s a great lookin’ shirt yagot on.

Judy: Well, are you sure? You’ve never seen me inanything but white paper. Hey, doesn’t it ever get toyou? I mean, knowing that you’ve seen the inside of my…

Gynecologist: Judy, I see these things all the time.

Judy: Well, that’s the difference. To you, they’re”these things.” To me, they’re MY things.

Gynecologist: Now, I didn’t mean it that way. It’sjust like if– I mean, imagine lookin’ at thirty orforty “things” a day, you know? Uh, if you can’t– Ifyou’re worryin’ about what I remember about yours, youknow, I can’t even remember which one it was.

Judy: You can’t?

Gynecologist: Promise.

Judy: That is a relief.

Gynecologist: Whew. [Judy sighs] Well, if you want tosee “Silent Movie,” we ought to go right now.

Judy: You really can’t remember … one thing?

Gynecologist: Uh uh. Uh uh.

Judy: Not even about the, uh, other half?

Gynecologist: Well, who could forget those, darlin’?Ha ha! Jokin’, of course, I’m only kidding, you see.

Judy: Oh.

Gynecologist: Hey, wait a minute. Are you mad becauseI DON’T remember, now?

Judy: Oh! No-ho-ho-ho! It’s wonderful to know that theman who probably has the most intimate contact withyour body can’t remember one thing.

Gynecologist: Good God, Judy, I’m a doctor. I can’tthink of my patients sexually. I have to think of ’emobjectively.

Judy: Sure.

Gynecologist: Well, you know what? You know what youare? You’re thinkin’ like everybody else thinks. Youthink it was a choice for me of either bein’ agynecologist or some dirty old man in an all-nightmovie with a newspaper on my lap. It was not thatchoice. Do you know what it was like for me in school?All my friends made me write down everything I saw sothey could read it in the bathroom later. And theother residents, man, they thought THEY were workin’but I was gettin’ a little.

Judy: Well?

Gynecologist: Well, every time I went out on a date,any woman that I was ever out with eventually gotaround to asking why I was ever interested in bein’ agynecologist and, uh, did I think about it a lot whenI was a little boy? Did I want to be one then? Did Ihave bad thoughts? You know, DO I have bad thoughts,you know?

Judy: [perhaps a little hopeful] Do ya?

Gynecologist: Doesn’t everybody? You do, admit it.

Judy: Well, I don’t think that I necessarily–

Gynecologist: All the time you have bad thoughts! Comeon, you could be havin’ ’em right now. Look at the wayyou cross your legs.

Judy: Well, no, I–

Gynecologist: In fact, that’s probably why you startedthis whole damn thing — you’re tryin’ to get in myknickers. I’m teasin’.

Judy: It’s not that I haven’t noticed you. I – I haveoccasionally peeked over the sheet — once.

Gynecologist: [laughs] Aha! You see, we’re gettin’down to the nitty gritty. [decides to confess] Hey,you wanna– If it’ll make you feel better, you know–Nobody ever got fixed up with their gynecologist byaccident. I felt funny about this thing and somebodyfixed us up — for me. That’s all.

Judy: Do you mean that?

Gynecologist: Yeah. When you was peekin’ over thesheet, I was peekin’ under it. [takes her hand] Hey,can we be friends about it?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Can we go to the movies?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Let’s get out.

[Holding hands, they rise and go to the door. He opensit for her. Halfway out the door, Judy stops and turnsto him, very pleased.]

Judy: You DID notice.

[She turns, head held high, and exits. He follows herout, shutting the door behind him. We pan across theempty room and off the set to the applauding audience.A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT… PIGGY BANKSFOR SWINE FLU VACCINE.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
Audrey Peart Dickman…..Jane Curtin
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] That’s silly — everybody makes noise. Everybody reacts differently. So what if you happen to laugh? That’s not a — [ he looks up to see the camera ] I gotta go! [ he hangs up ]

Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and so are you!

Our top story tonight: Cuban premier Fidel Castro announced that he is pulling out of Angola. A frustrated Angola could not be reached for comment.

Jimmy Carter and his wife Rosalynn, in an effort to dramatize the solidarity of their marriage, had themselves epoxied together at the cheeks.

Also on the campaign trail: Trailing in the primaries, Morris Udall made a last-ditch effort at vote-getting by showing the crowd that he can lift a chair.

Well, Ohio representative Wayne Hayes, shown here holding up nothing, submitted his relationship with a $14,000 a year secretary. Sources report that Hayes, after doing soem quick arithmatic, commented, “$14,000 a year? I thought it was $38 a night.”

[ as the Chromakey slide changes, revealing a naked woman with exposed nipple, Chevy quickly jumps up to cover the nipple with his hand ]Sorry about this here…

The woman in question, Elizabeth Ray, posing here for a Girls of Washington layout in Playboy Magazine, September, reportedly told the press: “I can’t use a typewriter. I don’t know an “L” from an “R”, and, after all, this is an election season.”

[ Chevy sits, as the slide changes a photo of a couple ]

Well… nobody really cares any more!

The West Point Cheating Scandal has reached such large proportions, that the academy is considering changing its honor code rather than expelling hundreds of West Point cadets. The honor code now states that a cadet will not lie, steal or cheat. The new code being proposed states that a cadet will not lie or steal.

Well, Air Bulgaria, today, proudly unveiled its new supersonic transport plane, designed to compete with the Concorde now in service. The craft will fly at twice the speed of sound — if they can get it inside a Concorde.

At the University of Nevada, Frank Sinatra received a double honor this week: He was named Doctor of Humane Letters, and also the winner of this year’s Mickey rooney Look-alike Contest.

Boston Bruin Bobby Orr, the superstar defenseman, announced that he will give up hockey to enter in the freestyle diving event in the ’76 Olypmics. He is shown here executing a perfect swan dive into solid ice.

Former Vice-President Spiro Agnew took time out from his new promotional tour this week to attend a masquerade party given in his honor. Agnew is shown here before he decided on his costume.

Chevy Chase: This just in: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. More on that story later.

Still to come: Gerald Ford buys an alarm clock, after this message.

[ dissolve to Vibramatic ad ] [ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: United Nation Secretary Kurt Waldheim said today that Syria, Lebanon, Greece, India and Lithuania.

Heavyweight champ Mohammed Ali knocked out a six-year-old First Grade girl in Ohio today. It only took him one left jab. The girl is reported in serious condition in a nearby hospital.

While the city of Montreal, Canada, readies itself for the upcoming Summer Olympics, teams over much of the world are practicing day and night for the games. Reporting on one such team is correspondent Jacqueline Carlin in Latvia.

[ dissolve to black-and-white footage ]

V/O: The Latvians have yet to win a gold medal in the Olympic competition. Critics say this may be a result of shoddy training, lack of equipment, and little knowledge of what may be required of them at the games. Here, the co-ed teammates are shown passing balls over their heads to each other and between their legs. Perhaps the most interesting contest for this spirited team is the dance around the duckpins ritual, during which members of the same group actually dance around duckpins, trying to force the teammates closest to them to kick the duckpins over.

[ dissolve back to Chevy reporting at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: This Jacqueline… [ in his normal voice ] Carlin reporting.

Last week, “Weekend Update” presented an editorial by Gordon Flowers, objecting to the overcommercialism of America’s Bicentennial. Here, with an editorial reply, is junior chairperson of the Bicentennial Business Affairs Committee, Ms. Audrey Peart Dickman.

Audrey Peart Dickman: What’s wrong with being patriotic? In this, our Bicentennial year, too many so-called concerned citizena have been criticizing the use of the good old Red, White and Blue and other American symbols, in connection with commercial products, advertising, merchandising, and general acitivities surrounding the celebration of the birth of this great country. [ Chevy beginsto make mimicking facial gestures next to Audrey ] I say what’s wrong with expressing our patriotism? I’m PROUD to diaper my baby in the Stars and Stripes! [ Chevy leans over behind Audrey and sticks his tongue out in a grotesque manner ] Or to stroll on the boardwalk wearing an Old Glory leisure suit! [ Chevy makes more mimicking facial gestures, stopping just before Audrey turns to look ] Call me sentimental and old-fashioned, but it’s a thrilling rminder of our heritage to have the American Eagle stamped on my toilet tissue, so I can be reminded again and again and again… [ Chevy uses his fingers to stretch his cheeks apart and flick his tonuge at Audrey, pretending to pick his teeth when Audrey turns to look ] Have our ancestors fought that gallant battle for independence, cleansing the nation of oppressive forces: “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” become more than mere words when they appear embossed on a pizza slice into thirteen sections, as a reminder of the valiant original colonies, who stood together against oppression! [ Chevy makes more rude gestures behind Audrey, including sticking his finger in his nose and stretching his mouth apart, only to pretend to be rubbing his cheeks when she glances over ] Yes, I’ll brush my teeth with bicentennial toothpaste and gargle with “Give me liberty, or give me death” mouthwash, and I’ll feel better for it because I know I’ll TASTE like an American!

[ the audience applauds ]

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” recognizes its responsibility to present opposing viewpoints, whenever we’re in the mood.

[ Audrey gives Chevy a dirty look ]

Chevy Chase: And now, for those of our viewers who may be Emily Litella fans, I will repeat the top story of the day aided by — who else? — Miss Emily Litella.

[ Emily Litela appears in an oval over Chevy’s shoulder ]

“Our top story tonight!”

Emily Litella: “Our flop story tonight!”

Chevy Chase: Uh, Emily? I said our “top” story.

Emily Litella: What, Cheddar?

Chevy Chase: Our “TOP” story! Not our “flop” story. Our “flop” story would be our worst story! Our “top” story would be our BEST story!

Emily Litella: Ohh. [ she smiles ] Never mind!

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a plesant tomorrow.

Emily Litella: Good morning, and how are you today? [ she smiles ] [ Chevy smiles with her ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: Babs’ Uvula

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Babs’ Uvula

Sister…..Laraine Newman
Babs…..Gilda Radner
Doctor…..Chvy Chase

[ open on National Uvula association flash card ]

Announcer: And now, a public service dramatization from the National Uvula Association.

[ dissolve to Babs and her sister sitting in their living room ]

Sister: Gee, Babs, you look like something the cat just dragged in.

Babs: I know. I feel crummy. But I just can’t seem to put my finger on what’s wrong.

Sister: That’s too bad, Babs. Has it ever dawned on you that it just may be your uvula?

Babs: Gee, no, Sis.. I must have stupidly glossed right over my uvula.

Sister: I had a hunch you might’ve. That’s why I made an appointment for you with a top uvula specialist. [ doorbell rings ] Who makes house calls! Right now!

[ Doctor enters the living room ]

Doctor: Hello, I’m the doctor.

Sister: Hi.

Babs: That must be him! [ coughs ] [ Doctor sits next to Babs on the couch ]

Doctor: I won’t beat around the bush, Babs.

Babs: Is it bad?

Doctor: In a nutshell, your uvula is on the fritz. Which reminds me of a little joke. Knock knock!

Babs: Who’s there?

Doctor: Babs’ uvula.

Babs: Babs’ uvula who?

Doctor: I don’t know, Babs. But I do know this – you’ve really let your uvula go to the dogs.

Babs: Yes.. I have..

Sister: I’d like to share this with you, Sis. [ opens a greeting card ] “To Babs: It’ll behoove ya’, to care for your uvula! Love, Sis.”

Babs: Boy, do I hear ya’, Sis! From now on, it’s strictly good, clean fun. For me and my uvula!

Doctor: That reminds me of a little joke. Knock knock!

Announcer: Who’s there?

[ Doctor, Babs and her sister laugh at the surprise interruption ]

Announcer: The preceding dramatization was brought to you by the National Uvula Association.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Louise Lasser: 07/24/76

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 23

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

July 24th, 1976

Louise Lasser

Preservation Hall Jazz Band


Joe Dicso

Michael Sarrazin

Lorne Michaels

Tom Schiller

Alan Zweibel

Season 1: Order Now!free website hit counter Back From VacationSummary: Back from summer vacation, John Belushi and Chevy Chase attempt to patch their differences with a friendly handshake.



Louise Lasser’s MonologueSummary: Louise Lasser falls apart after the cue card with her personal story is switched, and sulks to her dressing room. Members of the cast try to coax her out, including the Land Shark (Chevy Chase), who is able to fool her into doing so.

Recurring Characters: Land Shark.


General Idi “V.D.” AminSummary: General Idi Amin (Garrett Morris) comments on his bout with syphilis.

Recurring Characters: Idi Amin.


Fooling DeathSummary: Lovers Sven (Chevy Chase) and Inger (Louise Lasser) send Death (Tom Schiller) out for pizza.


Human Hair PotholdersSummary: Sandra Goode (Jane Curtin) and Squeaky Fromme (Laraine Newman) advertise their product from the tranquility of their prison cell.

Recurring Characters: Squeaky Fromme.

Woman & DogSummary: Louise Lasser performs a scene with her dog.

Cathode Ray TubeSummary: Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, and Jane Curtin sing their ode to the cathode ray tube.

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: John Belushi interviews Olga Korbut (Gilda Radner) following her defeat by newcomer Nadia Comanici. Fake footage uses toys to recreate the Viking I spacecraft landing on top of its Mars welcome committee.

Teen TalkSummary: Teenagers Jane (Jane Curtin) and Gilda (Gilda Radner) talk about boys.


The DinerSummary: In a film of her own design, Louise Lasser rambles incoherently in a diner.

John Belushi’s WardrobeSummary: To make ends meet, John Belushi offers wardrobe he’s worn on “Saturday Night Live” for sale.


Carter’s CampaignSummary: From his basement, Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) tells viewers about his campaign for the presidency.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Preservation Hall Jazz Band performs “Panama”

Mary, MarySummary: Louise Lasser rambles on about the past year of her life.



SNL Transcripts

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