SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday Night



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24




75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday Night

Sherry Norwalk…..Laraine Newman

[FADE IN on Sherry sitting on the edge of a desk and smiling coyly. She is wearing a black leather gown covered with silver spikes and slit down the middle to reveal her entire cleavage.]

Sherry: [looking off camera] Thank you, Mr. Kristofferson. [to camera] Hellooo. My name is Sherry Norwalk. And I got special permission from the FCC–that’s the Federal Communications Club–to come on television and tell my story. [plays with her hair] Okay, last October I went up to the “Saturday Night” offices ‘cause I think the show is really boss, and I wanted tickets. Well, they were out of tickets, but as I was leaving, Dave Wilson, the director, said I had a bitchin’ bod, and would I like to come and spend the weekend with him up in Parsippany, New Jersey, ‘cause his wife was dead? So I went up, and it was really great and everything, except his wife wasn’t really dead, she’d just gone shopping! God-created people can be SOOOOOO forgetful. Anyways, I got this phone call from the show the next day, and they said that Dave had recommended me for a job as a secretary for fourteen thousand, four hundred dollars a year!

[laughter]

Sherry: And they didn’t even mind that I couldn’t type, or file, or do shorthand. [pauses] So, they told me I was gonna do light secretarial work, and maybe help the writers out, if I could sometimes. And I did that. Like Alan Zweibel, he’s this big Jewish writer? Well, he was really weird, man. He made me feel really guilty about the way his people suffered in Egypt? [laughter] So he’d get undressed, and have me sing “Go Down Moses.”

[riotous laughter]

Sherry: It got stranger, man, I’m not kidding. Like did you know some comedy writers don’t like to work a-a-in the office, they work at home and at night? And they don’t write things DOWN, they act ‘em out first! Like Tom Schiller asked me to act out a scene with him in his apartment. Then he called two other writers, Tom Davis and Al Franken? And–’cause he said he was having trouble with his inspiration. [raises finger in air] Sooo, they came over, and we all acted out this scene, except it wasn’t in the show. [makes a quizzical face] Which I thought was really weird, and after a while, it got even MORE disgusting. Like Michael O’Donoghue? He just COULDN’T finish writing the “Star Trek” skit unless I kept whispering to him the words, “Rocket ships are okay, but your muscle is tremendous.” [laughter] It was really disgusting.

[Sherry holds up a white audio cassette case.]

Sherry: And then there was Herb Sargent. He’s this older writer with white hair, and he was really like a father figure. A really strict father. Like, you know, he used to take his belt and tie me up and spank me! And I didn’t even do anything WRONG!

[She puts down the cassette and picks up a thick hardcover book.]

Sherry: Anyways, that’s why I’ve written this book. It’s called, “I Was Not a Sucker for Saturday Night.”

[Audience laughs as she holds up the book with the title on the front.]

Sherry: ‘Cause a really think the public has a right to know.

[phone rings]

Sherry: Saturday Night? Yes, okay, I’ll be right up.

[hangs up]

Sherry: I have to help Chevy write Update.

[She slides off the desk and walks behind it, revealing her bare back to the camera.]

Sherry: Okay, let’s see, pad, pencil…

[She picks up a pad and pencil from the desk and then steps over toward a large floor-model vacuum cleaner.]

Sherry: [with dismay] And apparatus.

[She picks up the vacuum cleaner and slings the hose over her shoulder. A feather duster is sticking out of it.]

Sherry: It’s really disgusting.

[She exits stage left over applause. FADE to a young blonde woman in the studio audience and SUPERIMPOSE, “SURVIVOR OF OFFICE SNUFF PARTY.” The caption flickers badly, and she peers into the monitor to try and read it. ZOOM OUT as she turns to her companion and covers her face in embarrassment.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: Weekend Update with Chevy Chase


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24






75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Don Pardo. Don Pardo, the official announcer of the 1976 Olympic Games.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Well, I don’t know. As far as anyone around here can tell, he’s just a washed-up game show announcer, I don’t know. He was an alcoholic for a while, a drug addict, a lot of misplaced rage and anger, and, you know, I think he just wants to be on camera. [ looks up ] I gotta go! [ hangs up phone ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not!

Announcer: [ miffed ] Nobody wants to be, Chubby!

Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight: Olga Korbut began the long, hard trek to the 1980 Olympic Games, after having suffered a humiliating defeat last week. Her first steps in the healing process will include hypnosis to improve her concentration, isometrics to improve muscle tone, and the mistaken shooting of Nadia Comenechi(?) to improve her chances.

President Ford arrived at the Olympic Stadium earlier today to meet with and congratulate the many American gold medalists. Not surprisingly, none of the athletes were in Munich. Said the bewildered Chief of State: “Congratulations to all of you. Where are you?”

Well, it has been exactly a year and a day since ex-Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa vanished. In commemoration, today, current Teamster President Frank Fitzsimmons once again mourned the disappearance of his longtime associate by placing a single candle in a cake of cement, and repeating that he felt Hoffa would always be a cornerstone in the organization.

For the first time ever, a Black man has won the Bob Hope Golf Classic. Quipped the victor: “I used to be a caddy, and now I drive one!” Tournament sponsor, Bob Hope himelf, is shown here lining up his putts.

Ronald Reagan announced today that he has more than the 1130 delegates needed to win the Republican Presidential nominaton. However, Reagan conceded that President Ford may also have more than enough delegates to be nominated. Reagan warned that having two nominees could hurt the Republicans in November.

Regan picked his choice of a vice-presidential running mate this week, and, in a surprise move that may hurt his chances in the coming convention, Reagan has told newsmen that Sen. Richard Schweiker of Pennsylvania will broaden his constituency and improve his knowledge of foreign affairs. Asked what his current assessment of our foreign policy is, Schweiker said: “The world is becoming a closer place, and Brute is a part of it.”

Well, the big story from Mars this week was the repair of the needle pin in the Viking I scoop, which made it possible to gather soil from the planet’s surface and conduct tests to see if life can exist there. On Wednesday, the scoop was extended, and, while analysis of the soil is still not complete, scienstists are almost certain that life cannot and has never existed on Mars. [ tin can scoops up some dirt near an old shoe ]

The Smothers Brothers announced this week that they are splitting up. Dick Smothers says he wants to spend mroe time with his family; Tommy says he will continue his career as soon as he breaks in a new brother.

Chevy Chase: Still to Come: Jack Ford campaigns for his dad in Cheyenne. After this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for Talk Country ] [ dissolve back to Weekend Update news desk ]

Chevy Chase: Well, in Montreal tonight, the excitement once again mounts as finalists in the Boxing, Marathon, Equestrian, and Hurdles.

[ Chevy stares blankly at the incomplete news sheet, then chucks it aside ]

This bulletin about the Viking aircraft just in from correspondent Laraine Newman, reporting live from NASA. Come in, Laraine.

[ cut to Laraine Newman, dressed in a bikini and standing before a palm tree on some lush tropical isle ]

Laraine Newman: The air is clear, the sky is blue, and the waves… the breeze is wafting, Chevy. The sun is quite hot. I’ve been out for only fifteen minutes, and already I’ve got a difference. The temperature here is somewhere above 80, the humidity is high, and, except for the people who live here, almost everyone is on the American Plan. Uh, the food here is really good, Chevy —

Chevy Chase: Laraine?

Laraine Newman: Yes?

Chevy Chase: Excuse me, Laraine? Can you hear me?

Laraine Newman: Yes, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: Uh, Laraine — aren’t you supposed to be in NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration?

Laraine Newman: [ smiles ] That’s right, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: And, Laraine, aren’t you, in fact, in Nassau?

Laraine Newman: [ looks around dumbly ] You’re absolutely right, Chevy. [ a beat ] Will I have to pay for this?

[ cut back to Chevy at the desk ]

Chevy Chase: Correspondent Laraine Newman, paying for her own vacation in Nassau.

Spiro T. Agnew, under new attack for criticism of Israel, denied yesterday that he is Anti-Sematic(?). In a statement to the press, Agnew was quoted as saying: “I don’t judge a man according to his religious beliefs; I judge him according to the length of his nose.”

The former Vice-President went on to say: “All these allegations are pure nonsense — some of my best friends are Christ-killers.”

A tragedy at the Olympics: high jump champion Dwight Stone of Huntington Beach, California, became caught between the crossbars during the second heat of the event. The apparatus and Stone were taken to a nearby hospital, where he was safely removed from the bars with scissors and a blowtorch.

And our final story tonight took place today in Montreal, where Generalissimo Franicsco Franco scored a perfect 10 out of 10 in cadaver diving. It’s a relatively new sport in the Olympic competition. The former ruler of Spain, now known as El Cadaver, scored an upset over Daniel Gearhart, an ex-mercenary who was considered to be the favorite until he lost points for his execution.

Chevy Chase: Now for those of our viewers who may be growing tired of “Weekend Update”, I will not repeat tonight’s top story. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts