SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: Show Us Your Guns

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Show Us Your Guns

[A gated flatbed truck rolls slowly down a tree-linedroad. Standing in the bed are a camera crew and agroup of people who wave and hold a large sign thatreads: SHOW US YOUR GUNS]

Announcer: We at Saturday Night wanted to see whatkind of people carry guns. So we took our camera crewinto the streets to find out.

[We hear a rousing version of the William TellOverture as the camera tracks slowly past variouspeople, all of whom smile and proudly display theirguns to the camera:

Two young boys watch as their father, wearing a chef’shat and apron, emerges from behind his backyard grillto hold up a rifle. A smiling blonde, leaning againsta lamppost, pulls a pistol from her large carrying bagand holds it up above her head. A man guides a lawnmower with one hand as he pulls a small pistol fromhis back pocket with the other. A housewife, in gownand slippers, emerges from her home and walks down herfront steps with a submachine gun.

The truck rolls through town, the camera crew stillfilming, the others in the truck still smiling, wavingand holding the large SHOW US YOUR GUNS sign.

More proud gun owners: At a gas station, a motoriststands by her car, holding a rifle above her head astwo employees wave pistols. On a sidewalk, a motherreaches down into the baby stroller she is pushing topull out a revolver. Two masked gunmen rush out of aliquor store, see the camera, and pause to hold uptheir weapons before racing off down the sidewalk withtheir loot — followed, moments later, by a liquorstore clerk who levels a pistol at the departingcrooks but, before firing, notices the camera andhappily holds up his gun. A woman, clipping hedges inher yard, turns to see the camera and quickly whips arevolver out of her pants suit.

We get a closer view of the truck rolling by as thecrew holds their sign, smiles, points, and wavesencouragement to still more gun owners:

Two shady-looking, mustachioed men stand by their carand peer at the camera: one starts to reach into hisinside jacket pocket but his companion puts a hand onhim and shakes his head — so they merely wave andsmile. A little old lady on a park bench waves herwhite gloves at the camera, then reaches into herpurse to pull out an automatic. A uniformed trafficcop sees the sign, looks into his holster, realizeshis gun is missing, shrugs unconcernedly, looks aroundat the ground for it, can’t find it, shrugs again, andwaves a friendly goodbye as the camera moves off. Awedding party on the steps of a church hurl rice atthe bride and groom — all pause upon seeing theoncoming camera, then the groom holds up a pistol, thebride a machine gun, and the wedding guests anassortment of firearms.

As the William Tell Overture reaches its climax, wesee one last shot of the people on the truck …]

Announcer: When you see our Saturday Night truck inyour neighborhood, show us your guns!

[Dissolve to a large number of people standing infront of the Briarcliff hardware store, waving theirweapons proudly into the camera as we fade out.]

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SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: Jamitol

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian


Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Man #1 … Chevy Chase
Man #2 … Michael O’Donoghue
Announcer …

[Two soft-spoken, casually-dressed men address thecamera, betraying not a trace of effeminacy. Man #1 istall. Man #2 is shorter, bespectacled and bearded.]

Man #1: This is my best friend, my business partner,my advisor, my companion, my wife. And I love her.She’s quite a gal, you know. She takes care of thehouse, cooks great meals, makes studded leather vestsat our own boutique, and still has enough energy togive me the attention I need at the end of a long day.I don’t know how you do it.

Man #2: Well, I take care of myself. I get plenty ofrest, go to the Y, eat right and, to make sure I getenough iron and vitamins, I take Jamitol every day.[puts a pipe in his mouth]

Man #1: Makes me take it, too.

[Dissolve to two packages of the product (tablet andliquid) and a large spoon.]

Announcer: Jamitol. More than twice the iron andhigh-potency vitamins found in other supplements.Tablet or liquid.

[Cut back to the two men. Man #2 takes the pipe out ofhis mouth.]

Man #1: My wife. She’s quite a gal. And I love her forit.

[The two men glance at one another matter-of-factly,as a husband and wife would, then look back at thecamera.]

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