SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: George Carlin Stand-Up III



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1



75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

George Carlin Stand-Up III

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: [ makes face ] It’s already Sunday, and it’s God’s day OFF!! That’s what it said in the Bible – He worked six days, then He took Sunday off. It’s His one day off, and THAT’S the day we all go in and crowd the church and ask him: [ mumbles praying sounds ] “It’s my day off, man!”

Well, we create God in our own image and likeness. No question about that. Every time I see a picture of God, I mean, He has knees and toenails, right? Uh – and a good example – a better example – of our kind of self-centeredness, when it comes to God – when we put a statue of Jesus on the dashboard, instead of having Him looking out and watching for traffic, which is what He should be doing, we have Him watching us drive. [ mimes operating a steering wheel with frenzy ] “Heeeeyyy!! Watch THIS, Jesus! Left turn!” Yuo ever see a statue leap? Jumped right up into the baby shoes that time. Don’t worry, don’t worry – the universe is in balance, because Jesus has a statue of a middle-class American hypocrite on His dashboard. It’s alright. Things work out well.

But, uh – we are so conceited about this God concept, that we, we’ll go around describing Him to each other. I mean, we say, “He’s infinite, and we can never undertand Him – but I’ll describe him for ‘ya!” What – well, here’s what it’s like – first of all, first of all, uh, He knows everything. He knows absolutely everything. I don’t even know what I’m talking about, He knows what I mean. Secondly, He never started and He’s never gonna end. And third, He is all powerful. He can do anything. He can throw a car right over a wall. He’s just like us – He’s a cool guy, that’s all God is, a cool guy. That’s what all the religions told us: “He’s like us, He’s us.” That’s what all the big ones, all the big religions said, “Love yourself, Love your God, Love your neighbor, because you’re all basically the same person. We just don’t have uniforms yet, that’s all.”

And we do go for that, don’t we? We kinda buy that. “Oh, yeah, I’m God. Sure. Stanley is God. Arlene is God. God and me are Arlene and Stanley.” It makes things a little complicated, but we do kinda believe God. And if God is like us, I think he may perhaps be subject to Physical Laws. I mean, supernatural? [ grimaces ] But subject to Physical Laws, possibly. It would explain a lot of things. It would explain why He always has to send an angel as a messenger. I mean, if He’s God, why doesn’t He show up? “Hey, I got a message for ‘ya, here you go.” He sends an angel. And the angel always flies in over a mountain – I mean, that implies that you’re traversing over a phyical space. So, possibly, uh, God is subject to Physical Laws. People say, “Well, if God is so benevolent, how can He let people suffer?” [ shrugs his shoulders ] He can’t help, it lady! He’s subject to Physical Laws!

Maybe He’s only a, uh, semi Supreme being. Because He’s like us, and we’re not perfect. I-I think God may not be, uh, perfect. I think His work.. shows that. Take a look at a mountain range – they’re all crooked, they’re never in line. All different sizes. There are no two leaves that same. He can’t even give two people the same fingerprints! He’s had BILLIONS of years to work on some of this stuff! And EVERYTHING He has ever MADE.. DIED!! Everything so far!! [ audience applauds ] So far! Where did He get this great reputation? He’s batting .000!

Now, some religions – which are not to be confused with God – some religions will tell you that it’s quite okay not to worry about your own life. Religion has a way of relieving yourself of any responsibility for your acts. It’s God’s will! “Oh, I ran over the kid in the driveway, yes, but don’t look at me! [ chuckles ] God’s will!” Can’t you see a lynch mob going, “Let’s get this guy, God! That’s the fourth kid He’s killed this week!”

Religion – religion, at best – at BEST – is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better – fine. But you don’t need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don’t ask me to wear your shoes. And let’s not go down and nail lifts onto the natives’ feet.

[ audience applauds ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: Triple-Trac



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1





75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Triple-Trac

Announcer…..Andrew Duncan
Caveman…..Al Franken

[ FADE IN on a caveman on his knees by a river ]

Announcer (V/O): In the dawn of civilization, long before the Bronze Age, man first began his search for the close shave.

[ The caveman takes a club and hits himself in the face. DISSOLVE to the announcer speaking to the camera against a black background ]

Announcer: Since then, man has been ardently striding to design the perfect shaving instrument.

[ Shots of various razors are shown ]

Announcer (V/O): From the straight razor, to the safety razor, to the injector system, amd finally the highly acclaimed twinblade cartridge.

[ The announcer picks up a twinblade and shows it to the camera ]

Announcer: Almost perfect, yet not quite the superlative groom. Introducing the Triple-Trac.

[ DISSOLVE to a close-up of the three-bladed Triple-Trac razor ]

Announcer (V/O): Not just two blades in one system, but three stainless, platinum teflex-coated blades melded together to form one incredible shaving cartridge, easily fitted into your old twinblade holder. Triple-Trac’s triple-threat cartridge, with more close shaves than ever before. Here’s how it works.

[ DISSOLVE to a cartoon showing a how the Triple-Trac shaves a whisker ]

Announcer (V/O): The first blade grabs at the whisker, tugging it away from your face to protect it from the second blade.

[ The cartoon shows how the Triple-Trac yanks painfully at the whisker ]

Announcer (V/O): Blade number two catches and digs into the stubble before it has the chance to snap back and injure you, pulling it farther out so that it is now ready for shearing.

[ The cartoon shows an even more painful whisker-yanking ]

Announcer (V/O): Triple-Trac’s third blade, a finely-honed bonded platinum instrument, cuts cleanly through the whisker at its base, leaving your face as smoothas a billiard ball.

[ Finally, the cartoon shows the Triple-Trac completely shaving the whisker ] [ DISSOLVE back to the announcer against the black background, holding up a Triple-Trac ]

Announcer: The Triple-Trac. Because you’ll believe anything.

[ FADE ]

Submmitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts