SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: The Courtroom

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

The Courtroom

Judge…..George Coe
Prosecuter…..Chevy Chase
Ms. Davis….Jane Curtin
Defense Attorney…..Garrett Morris
Juror #1…..Dan Aykroyd
Juror # 2…..John Belushi
Juror #3…..Gilda Radner
Jurors….. Richard Belzer, Tom Davis, Neil Levy

[open on courtroom ]

Judge: [throwing down the gavel] Now I must have order please or I’m forced to clear this courtroom.

Prosecutor: [questioning Ms. Davis ] Ms. Davis, could you kindly tell the court in your own words what the defendent allegedly said to you when he pulled you into the alleyway?

Ms. Davis: He said “Hey . . . Hey, baby, h-how’d you like to, ummm . . . I can’t, I . . .

Judge: [throws the gavel again] Now, please, Ms. Davis. I know this is very difficult for you but this is extremely important evidence.

Ms. Davis: He said “h-how’d you like to, ummm . . . Don’t make me say it . . .

Defense Attorney: (strangely Jamaican) Objection. The witness is not on trial here. Now obviously what he said was too upsetting for her to repeat.

Prosecutor: Objection. heresay.

Judge: Gentlemen, gentlemen. (atttorneys approach the bench) Now since this evidence is so extremely important, perhaps Ms. Davis might write down the defendent’s remarks on a piece of paper. (Both attorneys concur)

(Ms. Davis writes down the remarks and hands the paper to the Judge. He is speechless from the paper and hands it to the Defense Attorney. Also speechless, he hands it to the Prosecutor. He is startled and annoyedand hands it to jury. Juror #1 is not amused by the paper, hands it to Juror #2, who is also shocked by it. Juror #2 sees Juror #3 is asleep and nudges her to wake up and read the paper. After perusing thepaper, Juror #3 turns to Juror #2 and gives the “Okay” to his “proposition”. Juror #2 is flattered (gives that signature Belushi “eyebrow raise”).)

[ fade ]

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SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: Trojan Horse Home Security

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Trojan Horse Home Security

Written by: Dan Aykroyd

Mr. Kromer…..John Belushi
Mrs. Kromer…..Gilda Radner
Kenny Vorstrather…..Dan Aykroyd
Harvey Morgomaster…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Mr. and Mrs. Kromer sitting on the couch in their living room ]

Mr. Kromer: Oh, honey! “Boeing Boeing” with Jerry Lewis is on in ten minutes.

Mrs. Kromer: Aw, sweetheart, I’m tired. I think I’m just going to have another glass of diet root beer and go to bed, okay?

Mr. Kromer: Alright.

[ sound effect: shattering glass offscreen ]

Mrs. Kromer: What was that?! What’s going on?!

[ a man in a ski mask rushes into the room pointing a gun ]

Kenny Vorstrather: Hi there! Please, do not be alarmed! This is only a simulated assault and burglery. Repeat! This is a simulated assault and burglery! This could happen to you at any time – in fact, it just has!

Mrs. Kromer: Honey, call the police! Do something!

Kenny Vorstrather: No, don’t call the police. I am the police! I might be, anyway.. Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer. My name is Kenny Vorstrather, and I’m President of Trojan Horse Home Security. I broke into your home tonight to show you just how vulnerable you and your family are to crime. I sell a complete range of home and garden security devices. You might say security is my life. I’m fully qualified to make you feel secure – I used to be an armored truck mechanic, in Leeber City, Arizona. And, you, Mr. Kromer, have the perfect right to throw me out of your house – if.. you think.. you can..

Mr. Kromer: If I think I can?! [ stands up ]

Kenny Vorstrather: You’re a pretty hefty guy, Mr. Kromer —

[ another masked man rushes into the room pointing a gun ]

Kenny Vorstrather: [ laughs ] Don’t worry, folks, you won’t hurt you! This is my assistant, he’s Vice-President of Trojan Horse Security. His name is Harvey Morgomaster. Harvey, like myself, is a security expert. He worked in the Army as a camoflauge artist, painting the insides of funeral homes. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer, we offer a total security protection plan for your family and home. For instance, the TPFLM System.

Mrs. Kromer: TPFLM?

Kenny Vorstrather: Tactically-Positioned Front Lawn Mine. Or.. how about these rec room search lights, co-ordinated for fashionable surveillance. And.. for total protection in the bathroom, Toilet Bowl Piranha. It’s a toothy surprise for the thief who craves relief, Mr. Kromer.

Mr. Kromer: Well.. wait a minute. If we have our front lawn mined, what do we need this stuff inside the house for?

Kenny Vorstrather: [ thinking ] Okay. Okay. That’s a very good question. I’m going to ask you a question now: in the event of a radioactive firestorm, how secure are your foodstuffs?

Mrs. Kromer: Oh, well, we have a fridge.

Kenny Vorstrather: Okay. I’m going to ask you to help me in a small demonstration, a security technique. If you could go into your kitchen right now, and get me a tomato. Just a common household tomato. Green, red, I don’t care. Ripe, unripe..

Mr. Kromer: [ reluctant ] Okay.. [ stands up and heads for the kitchen. Kenny shoots gun at him. ]

Kenny Vorstrather: See how frightening that was?! How effective that was in stopping you? Relax! Just blanks! Just a demonstration, sit down! [ Mr. Kromer sits. Kenny hands him the gun ] Here, hang on to this chunk! Feels good, doesn’t it? I’m going to ask you a question, Mr. Kromer, and I want you to answer me quite honestly: would you want your wife to be sexually assaulted in her own kitchen?

Mr. Vorstrather: Well.. no.. of course not.

Kenny Vorstrather: Mrs. Kromer, would you want to be sexually assaulted in your own kitchen?

Mrs. Kromer: Well, it would depend on who the person..

Kenny Vorstrather: Uhhhhh.. look, Mr. Kromer, how much would you pay to keep your family safe? Would you pay, say, two million dollars, if you had it?

Mr. Kromer: Well.. yeah, if I had it, yeah..

Kenny Vorstrather: Or.. one million dollars?

Mr. Kromer: Sure. If I had a million, yeah..

Kenny Vorstrather: Have you got $499.99?

Mrs. Kromer: Honey, we were saving that money!

Mr. Kromer: We were?

Kenny Vorstrather: I don’t think you know how unsafe your family really is. Uh.. where’s your son, uh..

Harvey Morglomaster: Ronnie.

Kenny Vorstrather: ..Ronnie, right now?

Mrs. Kromer: Uh.. well, he’s outside playing in the yard.

Kenny Vorstrather: [ dialing phone ] Ah. Hello, Frank? Put the kid on, will ya?

Mr. Kromer: [ hysterical ] We’ll take it! We’ll take it!

Kenny Vorstrather: [ into the phone ] Okay, let the kid go. [ hangs up phone ] I’m glad you decided. [ takes out papers ] Here, if you could sign right here, we’ll have the contract drawn up..

[ Mr. and Mrs. Kromer awkwardly sign all the forms as the scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts