SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: Valri Bromfield

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Valri Bromfield

….. Valri Bromfield

[ FADE IN on an empty home base ]

Don Pardo (V/O): And now, comedienne Valri Bromfield!

[ Bromfield enters to applause. She is a thin, pale woman in a pink shirt and a black skirt ]

Valri Bromfield: I don’t look like a comedian, do I? (starts talking rapidly like a strict school teacher) That’s because I’m not, I’m a school teacher, and I’m going to need a lot of silence in this room if I’m going to talk. (claps three times) People people people, please please, people people, am I in a zoo?! All right people, let’s bring you out of the suburbs and into the city. I’d like to have a few words with you. (casually bites her pinky finger nail) Okay, okay, people…now…today we have a big volleyball game ahead of us, people, and as you know the principal is counting on us winning the cup. (talks to an off-screen “student”) The principal is a what? Is this a French film I’m living in, people? Please! I have a few points and I’d like to make them! (chews on pinky nail again) Okay, well…first of all, we’re in our lovely gym togs and I’d like to keep them looking lovely and crisp. Turquiose and white are a very good combination. But, keep the box pleat nice and neat. Don’t sit down during the game. And another thing people, please, two points I’d like to make here. (crosses her arms over her breasts) Dress shields, girls, dress shields. Just for that little extra freshness. Oh, and people, the hair-styles are very very nice indeed, but let’s keep them back off the eyes, okay? I’ve got some hairnets here…(responds to some imaginary student jeering)…”oohhh” yourselves! Now, people, I’ve got team captain Debbie here. She’d like to have a few words with you before the game, okay? Debbie? (she motions to her left and becomes Debbie, a typical ditzy Valley Girl type) Okay, shut up…(audience applauds) Okay, so we’re going to have a game and everything, I guess, or I wouldn’t be wearing these things! Okay, so the most important thing we have to do is to go out there and be really, really cute, okay? Cause we are really cute. And listen to me, there’s something really great – there’s some guys out there that are such duh’s, you wouldn’t believe! There’s Jimmy and Mark and Connor…and when I think about the guys…I CAN’T GO OUT THERE!! (goes back to normal voice) Have a great game.

[ Valri waves to audience as they applaud. Piano music plays. Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: New Dad

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

New Dad

Written by: Rosie Shuster

Old Dad…..Dan Aykroyd
Mom…..Jackie Carlin
New Dad…..Chevy Chase

[ open on close-up of wedding photo of Mom and Old Dad. Pull back to reveal Mom and Son in living room set, as Old Dad, carrying briefcase, comes bursting through the door. ]

Old Dad: Honey, I’m home!

Son: [ runs to greet Old Dad ] Daddy! Daddy!

[ Old Dad scoops up his Son, sits in armchair and places Son on couch ]

Announcer: You have a lovely home, a good job, solid investments, a wonderful family.. everything you need for the future.. or is it?

[ big black “X” appears over Old Dad, as he vanishes from the scene ]

What if you were suddenly out of the picture? Should tragedy strike, what would happen to them?

[ Son waits pathetically for Dad, Mom staring distractedly off into space ]

Sure, you’ve provided for them financially – but what about their emotional and physical needs?

[ New Dad, also carrying briefcase, bursts through the front door ]

New Dad: Honey, I’m home!

Son: [ runs to greet New Dad ] Daddy! Dady!

[ New Dad scoops up his Son, sits in armchair and places Son on couch, Mom looking pleased ]

Announcer: Yes – it’s “New Dad!” – a radically new concept in family insurance coverage. Within seconds after “Old Dad” is out, we’ll have “New Dad” in there to take his place. Is your family completely covered? Not just financially, but in every way?

[ New Dad pats his knee sexily, as Mom comes to sit on his lap ]

Why not call your local independent insurance agent today, and aks him about our “New Dad” policy..

[ close-up of original wedding photo of mom and Old Dad, who was “X” over his face ]

..before it’s too late. That’s “New Dad” – the only insurance that covers all of their needs.

[ New Dad’s hand enters frame and slaps sticker of his own face over Old Dad’s face in the photo ]

“New Dad” – Tops In Pops.

[ SUPER: “New Dad – Tops In Pops” ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts