Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Mardi Gras Special
Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on title card: “Tomorrow” ] [ dissolve to Tom Snyder standing in front of a strip club on Bourbon Street. Various signs advertise “Men & Girls”, “Topless & Bottomless Table Top Dancing”, and Peep Show.” Tom is speaking indistinctly with a bouncer named Honker before he notices the camera ]
Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody! Tonight, we’re doing the “Tomorrow” show from Mardi Gras, on Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. I must tell you at the outset of this program that if you’re offended by the discussion of explicit sexual phenomena.. then change the channel and watch a movie, alright? Becuase, tonight, we’re looking into the bizarre world of – well, I might as well just say it – topless and bottomless bars! [ chuckles ] Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [ looks toward the bouncer ] Uh – uh, sir, can we have a word with you, please? Uh – sir, what is your name?
Honker: Uh – the Honker. Everybody calls me Honker out here.
Tom Snyder: Alright, Mr. Honker, uh – I take it that, uh, your job is to attract people into coming into this establishment. Am I correct, sir?
Honker: Well, I, uh, personally, have nothing covered, but if you’re the kind of person who likes boobs ‘n bras, uh, then ya’ gotta check this OUT! We have the most beautiful girls in town, and continuous entertainment – but with NO cover, and drinks are only a dollar, of course.
Tom Snyder: Well, that sounds.. just terrific.
Honker: At this time, Mr. Snyder, The Pink Lady is proud to present you with — [ a dancer steps out with a hurricane glass, as the crowd of revelers cheer ] — a complimentary hurricane made up of four different kinds of rum, with a delicious fruit-flavored punch.
Tom Snyder: Thank you very much. Uh – young lady, what is your name?
Tom Snyder: Alright, Velocity, I’m gonna ask you a question, but I – I’m gonna make it short because I — [ noticing her cleavage ] don’t want to make you get cold! Ha ha ha ha! Now, you’re, uh, you’re one of the topless and bottomless performers here at The Pink Lady, is that correct?
Velocity: Yes, that is correct.
Tom Snyder: How many hours a day do you work?
Tom Snyder: And how much of that time are you actually dancing?
Velocity: Oh.. fifteen minutes to an hour.
Tom Snyder: Soooo.. well.. how – so, that’s how many hours per week, then?
Velocity: Oh, I would say.. nine-and-a-quarter hours a week.
Tom Snyder: Alright. And how long have you been employed by The Pink Lady?
Velocity: Eighteen months.
Tom Snyder: So, that’s about.. uh.. how many total dancing hours?
Velocity: [ does the math in her head ] Six-hundred and twenty.
Tom Snyder: Okay. You log six-hundred and twenty hours. Do you yourself ever become sexually aroused while you’re dancing?
Tom Snyder: Okay. Say I watch your act, and I come up to you after the act and ask you for sexual favors in exchange for money. Would you be amenable to such an exchange.
Velocity: No, no, definitely no, no, no, no.
Tom Snyder: Well, prostitution is illegal – we’re on national TV. I don’t suppose you’d admit to it even if you did do it.
Velocity: Then, why did you ask me?
Tom Snyder: Well, I.. thought maybe you’d say yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
Velocity: Well, the answer’s no, Mr. Snyder. I’m an artist – like yourself. [ Tom nods ] Do you prostitute yourself?
Tom Snyder: [ quickly, in a panic ] Well, thank you very much for talking with us, Velocity! There you have it. You can’t go into a topless-bottomless bar on Bourbon Street in Louisiana and buy a girl – not here, anyway. [ Velocity exits inside the club, as Honker reappears ] Uh – well, I guess it’s time to go on inside The Pink Lady here and find out just what goes on inside these clubs! Now, our cameras can’t go in, so I’m jut ging to go on inside, I’ll give you an eyewitness report. Mr. Honker, would you hold my microphone, please?
Honker: Certainly, Tom.[ Honker takes the microphone, as Tom enters inside the club ]
Honker: [ speaking into the microphone ] Okay, uh – okay, check it out, come on in, everybody! Uh – big celebrity, Tom Snyder, is inside right now watching the dancers onstage! Check it out – continuous entertainment! [ to a pair of passersby ] Tom snyder, the “Tomorrow” show, is INSIDE the club right now! Go ahead in, it’s a terrific show! Believe me, these girls have a lot upstairs! You know, it’s funny – peole say, “They’re just for physique.” No! They got a LOT of intelligence! A LOT of them go to school —[ Tom returns from inside the club and takes his microphone back ]
Tom Snyder: Thank you. Well, I must say, Mr. Honker – I’m sorry to say this, but – well – quite frankly, I’d call your establishment a RIPOFF! I went in there expecting topless and bottomless – frankly, I saw G-STRINGS and I saw PASTIES!! Now – how do you account for this false advertising?
Honker: Well, now, you’re talking about COMPLETELYtopless and COMPLETELY bottomless! Uh, the only place you’re gonna see that, uh, is out in California! I’ll tell ya’, though – I worked a place out in Salt Lake City, they made the girls there wear one-piece bathing suits, they only served three to a beer – the place was still PACKED! Frankly, I think that people might want to leave a little to the imagination, you know? You know what I mean?
Tom Snyder: Haha! I’ll tell you, when we were coming out of KNBC in California, everyo nce in a while, some of the guys and I would go down to Tijuana, some of the crew and – well, one of them – some of the guys in the crew – especially Bobby Brown – remembered this one young lady, and, well, I might say that – well, you don’t know what muscle cotnrol is until you see this girl’s act! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Well, of course, that’s Tijuana, and they’re having a lot of problems down in that town. Mr. Honker, thank you for talking with us. [ to the camera ] We’ve been at The Pink Lady in Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. [ Honker begins bouncing around behind tom and making faces for the camera ] Uh – tomorrow on the “Tomorrow” show, my guest is going to be the Human Fly – he’s the guy who climbed twenty-eight floors, up to my office in the RCA Building in New York City, and said, “Let me on the show.” He was on the outside of the building, how could I turn him down? We also have Alexander Cobanisky [?] – he’ll be with us. And good night, everybody![ camera pulls back, then zooms down on some garbage in the street and the title card slide appears over the garbage ] [ fade ]