SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special










Mardi Gras Special

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
…..Mayor Moon Landrieau
…..Garrett Morris
…..Laraine Newman
Man….John Belushi
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
Captain Devero Boyee…..Bill Murray

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry.

Buck Henry: Good evening. Our top story tonight: an unprecedented move by an American president was made this week, when Jimmy Carter wrote a letter to Soviet dissident, Andre S??, telling him that the United States backs his intentions one-hundred percent. And, in what has been considered a blatant act of retaliation, Soviet Premier Leonid Brehznev has written a letter to Jimmy Carter, saying that, quote, “Your mother is quite wrinkled and extremely old.” Unquote. [ to Jane ] An ancient Russian means of retaliation.

Jane Curtin: Ah. In the wake of the CIA’s famous foreign powers, the Central Intelligence Agency confirmed today that it paid over three million dollars in hush money to Generalissimo Francisco Franco over the past eighteen months for keeping quiet on certain matters.

Buck Henry: Well, a Liberian luxury liner broke in half off the coast of Rhode Island this afternoon, killing all of the 2,200 passengers and crew aboard. Coast Guard officials have expressed fear that the bodies spilled may drift to New England beaches, becoming a navigation hazard and clogging the lobster traps. More on this story as it develops.

Jane Curtin: And, in a moving ceremony today, Mayor Moon Landrieau gave New Orleans’ native son, Garrett Morris, the combination to the city. We’ll take you now to that ceremony, in progress.

[ cut to Mayor Moon Landrieau standing on the street with Garrett Morris ]

Mayor Moon Landrieau: Garrett, this is the combination to the City of New Orleans. [ hands a perplexed Garrett a piece of paper ] It’s 33-left, 41-right, and 19-left.

[ as they speak, a reveler can be seen walking past in the background. Suddenly aware of the cameras, the masked reveler casually saunters towards Garrett, the Mayor, and the cameras, unseen by both men but quickly apprehended by the NOPD. ]

Garrett Morris: Thank you very much, Mr. Mayor. This is quite an honor.

Mayor Moon Landrieau: Not actually, Garrett. We’re gonna change it tomorrow.

[ cut back to Buck and Jane ]

Buck Henry: Well, in spite of his recent injury, and always a showman and perennial crowd please, daredevil Evil Knievel jumped the entire length of last night’s Mardi Gras parade in his hospital bed.

[ show slide of hospital bed flying over the Superdome ]

More on his condition, as the bulletins come in.

Jane Curtin: Let’s go now to Laraine Newman, with a live report on another of those quaint Mardi Gras traditions.

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing next to a man with mice taped to his eyebrows ]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m out here on the strret, talking to the people, and, as crazy as it sounds, uh, tonight’s the night they call “Mouse sunday.” People all over New Orleans are taping white mice to their eyes. I’m with them right now. [ points her microphone toward the man’s face ]

Man: Careful – I can’t see a thing!

Laraine Newman: Well, sir, I have just one question.

Man: Yeah?

Laraine Newman: Why?

Man: For kicks! We do it for kicks! Ha ha! That’s all! Ha ha!

Laraine Newman: I see. Uh, when did this custom originate?

Man: Well, I don’t know, uh – I mean, I do it, uh, my father did it, my grandpa did it just before him.. my MA done it, she’s great!

Laraine Newman: Yeah, but.. what possible pleasure could derive from it?

Man: Excuse me, uh – are you are a man or a woman?

Laraine Newman: [ sternly ] I’m a woman.

Man: [ smoothly ] Hey, uh, can I buy you a drink somewhere? What do you say we go over to Pat O’Briens, and — [ the roar of the cheering crowd drowns him out ] You like dixieland music, huh?

Laraine Newman: Uh, sir – these mice, are they dead? [ touches one of the mice ]

Man: NO, they’re not dead! They’re just asleep! [ taps the mice ] Come on, wake up! Wake up! Let’s get those whiskers movin’! Hey! I’m talkin’ to YOU! Come on! Up and at ’em! [ to Laraine ] Hey, how ’bout a walk to some voodoo? what do you say, would you like to make some reeaal voodoo? Of course, you have to take your clothes off. I mean, you have to take your clothes off, it’s a real sticky place!

Laraine Newman: I’ve always wanted to see the real voodoo. Are you sure those mice are okay?

Man: They’re fine.. they’re okay..

Laraine Newman: Well.. I’ll just have to do the wrap-up, and then we can leave. [ to the camera ] People taping white mice to their eyes! All part of the fun and gaiety, as Mardi Gras renews an ancient custom. [ the Man feeds a can of beer to his two mice ] This is Laraine Newman, somewhere in the French Quarter.

[ the Man continues to show Laraine his mice, as we cut back to Buck and Jane ]

Jane Curtin: Still to come: Are shoes an endangered species? [ show slide of real alligator shoes ] A float depicting the history of skiing accidents. And the Vatican College of Cardinals Marching Band and Drill Team. After this report from Weekend Update roving reporter, Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: [ facing to the camera ] Hi! Hi, I’m — [ the crowd cheers her presence ] oh, hello! Hi! I’m Emily Litella, and I’m SO excited! It’s my first time at Mardi Gras, and I’ve been drinking TEA! Straight, for three days! Ohh! [ a riverboat horn blares ] Ooh! Do you hear that?! Well, that’s the liverboat, coming down the Mississippi with LOADS of liver! And I’m standing here with Captain Devero Boyee, who is a captain of a BIG liverboat! Just like the one you just heard! Tell me, Captain – just how did the tradition of the liverboat start? Now, I know liver is rich in iron and vitamins, but so is PORK! Now, why aren’t there PORK boats?!

Captain Devero Boyee: Well —

Emily Litella: I mean — I mean, if you’re gonna have liverboats, you should also have some bacon, and some onions — I can’t believe it! What is — what is –?

Captain Devero Boyee: Miss Litella!

Emily Litella: What?!

Captain Devero Boyee: I’m the captain of a riverboat! A riverboat! Not a liverboat, a riverboat! We take leisurely cruises up and down the Mississippi.

Emily Litella: Ohhhhhh! Oh, well, that’s very different!

Captain Devero Boyee: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ turns to the camera ] Never mind!

[ the crowd cheers, as we cut back to Buck and Jane, completely missing the “group grope” attack on Gilda/Emily ]

Buck Henry: Here’s a Weekend Update Correction. On last Update, Jane Curtin inadvertently reported that Kate Smith won the international hang-gliding competition in Montreal. Well, we stand corrected. We were apparently confused by a typographical error. What we meant to say was that it was Clare Booth Luce who broke the color line in Major League Baseball.

[ a sheet of paper is suddenly handed over to Jane ]

Jane Curtin: Oh! This story just in — [ reads the paper ] Oh, my God! Washington – with guns blazing, a deranged gunman shot his way across Pennsylvania Avenue, leaped over the iron fence of the White House —

Buck Henry: Jane, excuse me just a moment, but the Baton Rouge High School band is just coming up the street. One of the most colorful processions you’ve ever seen, with full regalia, showing their beautiful colors of traditional blue and gold. The school’s thirty-eighth Mardi Gas experience, and it’s truly a great, great New Orleans tradition.

Jane Curtin: Buck, can I finish this, please?

Buck Henry: Yes.

Jane Curtin: [ continues her breaking story ] The gunman entered the White House, and found his way to the Oval Office —

Buck Henry: Jane, just a second – take a look at this, if you can: this is the Japanese Sushi Bar float, and entire float made up of raw fish and soy sauce. And it really does look delicious!

Jane Curtin: Oh, that certainly does — I-I could use some of that now!

Buck Henry: Absolutely!

[ Buck and Jane stare offscreen at the sushi-covered float with awe ]

Jane Curtin: [ faces the camera ] That’s the news for tonight. We’ll be back with Randy Newman, after this.

[ fade to black ] [ fade from black onto program card ]

Don Pardo V/O: Set your dial on laughter, with “Chevy and The Man.” Premiering this Friday at 8:30/7:30 Central and Mountain time.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Cemeteries



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special




Mardi Gras Special

Cemeteries

[ open passenger window point-of-view as Gary Weis drives through an above-ground cemetery ] [ dissolve to a painter adding a fresh coat of white paint to one of the above-ground tombs ]

Painter: [ the audio is off at first ] — for nothin’, some of ’em. We ain’t even paid a nickel for ’em. But,since things are so rough on the graveyard now, I gotta charge that fee. I can’t do it for nothin’ no more. It’s one of those things. I guess ’cause paint costs money now, and things ain’t cheap no more, you know? But I love it out in this graveyard. People don’t talk back to you. If they talk back to you – if they talk back to you, I’m leaving! I painted tombs for a living at St. Patrick’s Cemetery – it is gone, but her husband was buried — I was on top that tomb painting, I told her, I said, “Listen, darling – if your husband talks back to me, I’m gonna leave you, the paint, brush, truck, and everything behind. I’m leaving! I’m gone!” [ chuckles ] Boy, she got a big kick out of that!

[ dissolve to the same painter now dishing on a different subject ]

Painter: Crabbing? I go crabbing – I caught a crab, twenty-five inches. He’s still hanging out — [ points his thumb backwards ] He’s in a – he’s in a bar about two days, out there on Haynes Boulevard. Louis Louis. I hang him on top the – the – the place there, the door, so everybody can see the crab. He’s got a paw so big, it’s pitiful.

[ dissolve to further in the day, the painter still talking ]

Painter: Most money I make out here, I save. Most of it, I save. [ inaudinble ] I-I-I save, and I give birthday parties every year. Give a beautiful birthday party. Put a hundred dollars on the bar – that’s for the drinks – I buy a cake, costs about thirty dollars – my birthday cake – it’s so big, you got enough cake that people take the cake home. I got a big hare in my pot – cut up, sliced. Awww, never seem to mention [?] In the bayou, we got rabbit! A friend of mine’s supposed to be Cherokee – cooked rabbit for us.

[ dissolve again to further in the day ]

Painter: Well, up on the ridge, I can’t say nothin’ about it – I love New Orleans. I been a few places, but I still think New Orleans is the best. [ audience cheers ] I tell you, they got better weather, better — everything’s better here. They got people way from out here — it’s something, it’s cold, it’s snowing, or — we ain’t got that here!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Gary Weis Down South



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special







Mardi Gras Special

Gary Weis Down South

[ art card: “Gary Weis Down South” over photo of Gary Weis ] [ dissolve to film, a montage of Dixie-related signs over traditional Dixie music ] [ wide shot of Dixie TV, zoom forward ] [ close-up of Dixie truck as it rolls westward on the street ] [ Dixie ] [ zoom on Dixie Stove Works sign ] [ close-up of rotating Dixie & Associates sign ] [ zoom on Dixie Parking Service ] [ zoom on Dixie Bearings, Inc. clock at 6:10 ] [ Dixie Trucking 94 ] [ three unidentified Dixie signs ] [ close-up of Dixie Auto Parts sign ] [ two unidentified Dixie signs ] [ unidentified man pulls open his shirt to reveal a Dixie Beer t-shirt ] [ close-up of Dixie Art sign ] [ unidentidied Dixie sign ] [ close-up of Dixie Male sign ] [ close-up of Official Shop Service Dixie sign ] [ close-up of Dixie 45 Beer on Tap sign ] [ zoom to close-up of Dixie Mill Supply Co., Inc. sign ] [ close-up of Dixie Welding & Metal Day & Night Service sign ] [ close-up of Dixie Auto sign ] [ alternate Dixie Mill Supply Co., Inc. sign ] [ upward angle of Dixie Hotel sign ] [ quick montage of 14 of the Dixie sign we just saw ] [ dissolve to applauding revelers in the street, zoom to one upbeat male with SUPER: “Smokes Mardi Grass” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Fats Domino As Sung By Garrett Morris



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special




Mardi Gras Special

Fats Domino As Sung By Garrett Morris

…..Garrett Morris

[ open on close-up of doubloon with Fats Domino’s head on it ]

Announcer: Now, for a limited time only, Telecomm Records presents:

[ doubloon spins around to reveal Garrett Morris’ head on the back side ]

A treasury of Fats Domino, as sung by Garrett Morris!

[ dissolve to Garrett Morris seated at a piano, as he plays the notes for “Blueberry Hill” ]

Garrett Morris: [ singing ] “I found my thri-ill!” [ hits the same set of notes twelve times ]

Hi! I’m Garrett Morris! And, if you act RIGHT NOW, you can get this and many more of the music of Fats Domino, as sung by me, Garrett Morris! You’ll get:

[ singing ] “Ain’t.. that.. a shame!” [ hits the same set of twelve notes from “Blueberry Hill” ]“My tears fell like rain!” [ hits those same twelve notes again ] [ song titles scroll:

Blueberry Hill
Jambalaya
Domino Twist
Please Don’t Leave Me
The Fat Man
Blue Monday
I’m In Love Again
I’m Walkin
Whole Lot Of Lovin
I’m Gonna Be A Wheel Someday
I Want to Walk You Home
Walking to New Orleans
My Girl Josephine ]

Garrett Morris: This, and many, many more of Fats Domino’s wonderful music, sung by a guy who has always loved The Fats! And who tries as much as he can, to sound just a little bit like him! You’ll get:

[ singing ] “Blue Monday” [ hits those same twelve notes on the piano ]“How I hate Blue Monday!” [ same twelve notes ]“All my tiredness, has gone awaaaayyy!!”

[ song title scroll repeats itself ]

AND! The best thing about this amazing TV offer, is that the music of Fats Domino as sung by Garrett Morris, is ONLY $49.95! Yes, $49.95! And I even sing Fats’ BIGGEST hit:

[ singing ] “I found my thri-ill!” [ same twelve notes ]

RIGHT on the record! So order NOW, while it’s on demand!

[ singing ] “That’s why I’m walkin’ to New Orleans!” [ same twelve notes ] [ dissolve to doubloon with Garrett’s head on it, and SUPER: “Treasury of Fats Domino, Pier 26, New York, NY 10007” ]

Announcer: Send now, for your own treasury of Fats Domino, sung by Garrett Morris. Pier 26, New York, New York.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special





Mardi Gras Special

Goodnights

…..Randy Newman
…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin

Randy Newman: Thank you! Good night! Good night to you all, and now over to Buck and Jane!

[ cut back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Buck Henry: Thank you, Randy. Uh, Jane, you might as well just tell them all.

Jane Curtin: The parade has not been delayed – it doesn’t exist! It never did. “Mardi Gras” is just the French word meaning “no parade.” Good night!

Buck Henry: Thanks, and good night.

[ credits roll, as the crowd cheers ] [ there’s a momentary glimpse of Garrett Morris and the cast and crew standing among a cut sketch — Garett, most noticably, holding up a book that reads “Roots II.” ]

Don Pardo V/O: Next week: Saturday Night’s host will be Steve Martin, with special guests Lily Tomlin and The Kinks. That’s 11:30, 10:30 Central Time. This is Don Pardo. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Crowd Reaction



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special



Mardi Gras Special

Crowd Reaction

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
…..Eric Idle

[ SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: And now, in another part of the French Quarter, covering crowd reaction, we take you to Eric Idle.

[ dissolve to Eric Idle, seated at an outdoor table ]

Eric Idle: Bonjour, madame! [ extends his greeting in German ] Hello, and welcome to the Cafe [?], here in the heart of the New Orleans French Quarter. Here, there’s an atmosphere of almost unbelievable gaity — [ glances around the empty outdoor cafe ] and festivity. You can practically smell Mardi Gras here! The atmosphere, for four days, has been a feeling of Carnival, which was, uh, really here up to, uh, well, just a few short minutes ago, uh – before you came over here. [ grins ] The place was literally PACKED with revelers, party makers wearing beads and singing and dancing – it was a real Carnival atmosphere, and we were all having a really fun, fun time — up until a couple of moments ago. Literally, crowds of people were literally thronging [?] these streets, literally hundreds of GAY — uh, happy — folks were.. LURKING all over the place! What a pity, they’ve all gone.

Well, as you can see, the Carnival gaity, right now, seems to becoming also more fun here, as, in fact, from elsewhere. So let’s go, right away, over somewhere else! [ taps his earpiece ] Well, in fact, they say No. Apparently, we have some little technical problem – ha! – so we must stay here. Ha! Which, in fact, gives me time to tell you that, at the moment, it’s quite quiet here, in the French Quarter. [ glances at the emptiness that surrounds him ] Uh, but recently, it’s been much, much, MUCH noisier. Ha ha!

[ looks off to his side ] Well,the reveler over here — I think I can see one — why don’t we just go over right now, and ask what he’s doing here and how he’s enjoying Mardi Gras? [ steps over to a masked reveler seated alone at another table ] Sir, how are you doing enjoying Mardi Gras? [ the reveler falls face first into his food ] Ha! Fine. So, uh – just to recap – ha! – this is, as you know, Mardi Gras, and we are, uh, coming live from it! And we’re having a heck of a lot of fun! You bet.

Uh – Mardi Gras, incidentally, means Fat Tuesday, and is named after the legendary New Orleans singer, Fat Tuesday. He, uh, he was a friend of Fats Domino and Fats Waller – there were three of them, all fat, and one Tuesday. [ breathes heavily ] So! Uh.. a word about the French Quarter: only half of the French Quarter is, in fact, French; another quarter of the French Quarter is not at all French; a hald of the maining quarter is a bit French; and one-quarter of the remaining quarter of the quarter is Polish. [ taps his earpiece ] Ah! Well, I’m very glad to tell you that we can now — [ his smile freezes ] stay here.. a little bit.. longer. So. [ checks his watch ] Ha ha! Ah! [ pulls a postcard out of his jacket ] Incidentally, here – here is a picture of – of one of the parades. It’s a postcard – ha! – uh – this should show you what it’s, in fact, like at the moment! [ points to various points on the postcard ] Ha! Here, you can see Bacchus. Here’s Buck and Jane, over there. [ bounces the postcard up and down ] In fact, if I move it around a little bit, you’ll get some idea of — [ audience cheers ]

Well, it must be really exciting over there by now! Ha! What a pity.. we’re not over there. [ tosses the postcard across the way, then stretches his arm out and begins to sing: ] “If I ruled the world! / Every day would be the first day of Spring! –“

[ the reveler seated facefirst in his food now falls to the pavement, as Idle checks on him ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Jean Lafitte



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special





Mardi Gras Special

Jean Lafitte

…..Jane Curtin
…..Buck Henry
Jean Lafitte…..Bill MurrayDavid Benoit…..Dan Aykroyd
Marie-Claire…..Gilda Radner
Worker…..Tom Schiller
Worker 2…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Jane Curtin and Buck Henry at the reviewing stand ]

Jane Curtin: New Orleans is really an incredibly beautiful town, isn’t it, Buck?

Buck Henry: Yes, Jane, it is. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more beautiful city, except.. maybe.. Lake Havasu City.

Jane Curtin: Ah! But most people don’t know that, when they visit New Orleans, it’s not the real New Orleans, but an accurate replica, made of over 45,000 tons of orlioite[?] synthetic polyfiber board, created by the Walt Disney Leisure Group, for use in amusement parks and retirement villas throughout the great nation. Isn’t that fascinating, Buck?

Buck Henry: Very interesting. You know, Jane – at one time — [ he dodges a pair of flying beads ] At one time, New Orleans was the home of pirates, buccaneers – among whom was, perhaps, the most notorious of them all, the infamous pirate Jean Lafitte.

[ dissolve to streetlight on a New Orleans corner ] [ SUPER: “New Orleans 1813, A Visit With Jean Lafitte” ] [ pan out to reveal French Quarter street market crowd, as Jean Lafitte steps forward ]

Jean Lafitte: [ in a thick French accent ] Hello, there! I am Jean Lafitte! This is my home – New Orleans, in the early 19th Century. Please, I invite you to look around – it’s Mardi Gras, and I welcome all of you! But, first, let’s get something straight: A lot of people call me a pirate, you know? In history legends, they say, “The pirate, Jean Lafitte.” [ shakes his head ] I do not consider myself a pirate, you know? I’m a privateer, a cossair[?], a brigham[?], a rogue – you know? Or perhaps, if you will, an independent marine contractor, you know? But not a pirate – NEVER a pirate! I HATE that word: “pirate.” Okay? Come on – let’s take a look around my marketplace. [ steps off to the side, removes his jacket ] As you can see, it’s been a pretty god year for me and my men.

David Benoit: Hello, Jean! You don’t know me – I’m David Benoit, from Bayou Celambe[?]. I just want to say, I’m, uh, one of your brother Pierre’s men! [ shakes Lafitte’s hand ]

Jean Lafitte: Well, it’s nice to have you aboard – it is nice to have good, loyal men, huh?

David Benoit: I-I just want to say that I think that you’re, uh — [ tosses Lafitte’s jacket aside ] you’re one of the finest pirates in all the by-you!

Jean Lafitte: [ frowns ] Look, uh, do not call me a pirate, okay? [ whips out his pistol and shoots Benoit to the ground, then faces the camera ] Look – I’m not a pirate. Call me a privateer, a cossair[?], a bandit – you know? But NEVER a pirate! Okay?

David Benoit: A pirate!

Jean Lafitte: Yeah! Now, I really mean it this time, okay? I’m sorry. Now, pirates attack anything that floats! I’m selective about it! Look, I’ll tell you what I do – here’s how I got it set up. [ takes a piece of paper out of his jacket ] I fly a flag of Argentina, you know? I’ve got letters of mark here, that says I can sink, plunder any ship standing on the Spanish vessel – you know, any Spanish vessel. That’s not piracy. That’s what we call “positive seizure of cargo in transit.”

Marie-Claire: [ trying to get Lafitte’s attention ] Uh – Monsieur Lafitte — Monsieur Lafitte?

Jean Lafitte: What is it, Marie-Claire?

Marie-Claire: Oh, you must tell me, which wine you would prefer with the evening meal — the red, with the;or the white, from your cousin’s vineyard?

Jean Lafitte: And, which would you prefer, my dear?

Marie-Claire: Ohhh. I’d prefer the white wine.

Jean Lafitte: Well, there is one way to settle this, Madam [ whips out his sword ]

Marie-Claire: Ohhhhh! [ grabs a sword of her own ] Watch your feet, Lafitte!

[ she whips the sword towards his feet, but he dodges it by leaping into the air. The clash their swords together several time, until she knocks his sword to the ground, steps on it, then holds her sword to his neck. ]

Jean Lafitte: Very well, you win – we’ll have the white instead! [ she allows him to return to his feet ] It’s a bit frightening, you know what I mean? I don’t like to fight somebody like that. Hey, Marie?

Marie-Claire: Uh, yes, Monsieur Lafitte?

Jean Lafitte: What is the word that I hate the most in the whole world?

Marie-Claire: Ummmmm — pirate!

Jean Lafitte: Right. [ points shotgun at her and fires it, as she screams and falls ] Aaarghh!! I hate it! Call me a charlatan! Call me a brigham[?]! Call me a punk! Call me a cheap swashbuckler!! But I’m no PIRATE, you know what I mean?! Look! I don’t drop my captured treasure in some sleazy hall, or a trunk buried on a beach somewhere! I’ve got professionals working for me! I’ve got bookkeeppers, I’ve got lawyers! I get my treasured washed every week! My doubloons are laundered by professionals, you know what I mean?! [ removes his belt and sword ] [ a worker yells at Lafitte from atop a balcony ]

Worker: Hey, Jean! I went to Paris! I stole for your mother!

[ angry, Lafitte fires a shot and drops the worker into a haystack below ]

Worker 2: [ steps forward ] Hey, hey, Jean — he said “Par-is“, not “pi-rate, man!”

Jean Lafitte: Oh. Sorry, very sorry. Well, anyway — right now, my big problem is what to wear to the big Mardi Gras masquerade ball, you know? I usually go as a harlequin, you know, something like that. [ begins changing behind a panel ] But, this year, just to let people know that Jean Lafitte is a good sort, you know — just to prove that — hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo-oo-oo-oo!! Oh, am I going to have a laugh on them! [ steps out from behind the panel, now disguised as a pirate ] I’m going as a PIRATE! Hey, hey — I’m NOT a pirate, I’m just GOING as one, you know? I HATE it.. but it’ll fool everybody, you know? [ chuckles ] HAPPY MARDI GRAS!!

[ dissolve to the cheering crowd of revelers ] [ zoom in on one woman, with caption: “Spells Kunte Kinte With a ‘C'” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Randy Newman performs “Louisiana 1927”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special




Mardi Gras Special

Randy Newman performs “Louisiana 1927”

from the album: Good Old Boys

…..Randy Newman

[ open on exterior, Theater of the Performing Arts ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Randy Newman!

[ dissolve to interior, the crowds cheering as Randy Newman enters the stage, bows, then takes his seat behind his piano. The New Orleans Symphony and Howard Shore and the SNL band are assembled behind him. ]

Randy Newman: [ singing ]“What has happened down here is the wind have changed
Clouds roll in from the north and it started to rain
Rained real hard and rained for a real long time
Six feet of water in the streets of Evangeline.

Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away.

President Coolidge come down in a railroad train
With a little fat man with a note pad in his hand
The President say, “Little fat man, isn’t it a shame
What the river has done to this poor cracker’s land?”

Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away.”

[ audience roars with applause ]

Randy Newman: Thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much, and welcome to Mardi Gras. [ the crowd screams with excitement ] You don’t need me to welcome you, of course, you know. We’re here at the Performing Arts Center in New Orleans, and the Not Ready For Prime Time Players are strategically located here in the French Quarter. Eric Idle will be, uh, covering the crowd reaction. Uh – [ the crowd laughs, as does Randy ] With the, uh, 15,000 costume salesmen dressed up as pickles. [ crowd laughs ] Uh – Cindy Williams and Penny Marshall, uh, will be at the Apollo Ball. Baba Wawa will be standing by with Henry winkler. [ crowd Yeahs! and cheers ] And buck Henry and Jane Curtin will be covering the Bacchus parade, and we’ll go to them.. now!

[ Randy points his finger at the camera, as a growing circle transitions the action to Buck Henry and Jane Curtin at a reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Randy Newman performs “Marie”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special



Mardi Gras Special

Randy Newman performs “Marie”

from the album: Good Old Boys

…..Randy Newman

Randy Newman: [ singing ]“You looked like a princess the night we met
With your hair piled up high, I will never forget
I’m drunk right now, baby, but I’ve got to be
Or I never could tell you, What you mean to me.

I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you, Marie
I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you, Marie.

You’re the song that the trees sing when the wind blows
You’re a flower, you’re a river, you’re a rainbow
Sometimes I’m crazy, but I guess you know
And I’m weak and I’m lazy, and I’ve hurt you so
And I don’t listen to a word you say
When you’re in trouble, I just turn away.

I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you, Marie
I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you, Marie.”

[ audience cheers ]

Randy Newman: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you. Thank you. And now, here’s a film by Gary Weis.

[ audience cheers ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra performs “Rebecca Came Back From Mecca”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special



Mardi Gras Special

The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra performs “Rebecca Came Back From Mecca”

from the album: From New Orleans to Constantinople on the S.S. Leviathan (1975)

…..Randy Newman
…..The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra

[ interior, Theater of the Performing Arts, Randy Newman standing onstage before the cheering crowd ]

Randy Newman: And now, New Orleans’ own – The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra!

The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra: [ singing ]“Across the way from where I live
There is a girl and her name is Rebecca.
She’s twenty-three.
She saw an Oriental show
And then decided she would go
To Mecca
Across the sea.

And so she went one day
To Mecca, far away
Just to live near the Sultan’s den
She stayed there just two years
Got full of new ideas
And now she’s back home again.

Since Rebecca
Came back from Mecca
All day long she keeps on smoking Turkish tobecca.
With a veil upon her face
She goes dancing round the place
And yesterday her father found her
With a Turkish towel around her.
Oh! Oh! Everyone’s worried so.
They think she’s crazy in the dome.
She’s as bold as Theda Bara
Theda’s bare but Becky’s barer
Since Rebecca came back home.

[ break ]

Once, her little sister Sonia
Wore her clothes– and caught pneumonia!
Since Rebecca came back home.”

[ audience cheers ]

SNL Transcripts