SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Randy Newman performs “Louisiana 1927”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special




Mardi Gras Special

Randy Newman performs “Louisiana 1927”

from the album: Good Old Boys

…..Randy Newman

[ open on exterior, Theater of the Performing Arts ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Randy Newman!

[ dissolve to interior, the crowds cheering as Randy Newman enters the stage, bows, then takes his seat behind his piano. The New Orleans Symphony and Howard Shore and the SNL band are assembled behind him. ]

Randy Newman: [ singing ]“What has happened down here is the wind have changed
Clouds roll in from the north and it started to rain
Rained real hard and rained for a real long time
Six feet of water in the streets of Evangeline.

Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away.

President Coolidge come down in a railroad train
With a little fat man with a note pad in his hand
The President say, “Little fat man, isn’t it a shame
What the river has done to this poor cracker’s land?”

Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away.”

[ audience roars with applause ]

Randy Newman: Thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much, and welcome to Mardi Gras. [ the crowd screams with excitement ] You don’t need me to welcome you, of course, you know. We’re here at the Performing Arts Center in New Orleans, and the Not Ready For Prime Time Players are strategically located here in the French Quarter. Eric Idle will be, uh, covering the crowd reaction. Uh – [ the crowd laughs, as does Randy ] With the, uh, 15,000 costume salesmen dressed up as pickles. [ crowd laughs ] Uh – Cindy Williams and Penny Marshall, uh, will be at the Apollo Ball. Baba Wawa will be standing by with Henry winkler. [ crowd Yeahs! and cheers ] And buck Henry and Jane Curtin will be covering the Bacchus parade, and we’ll go to them.. now!

[ Randy points his finger at the camera, as a growing circle transitions the action to Buck Henry and Jane Curtin at a reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Randy Newman performs “Marie”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special



Mardi Gras Special

Randy Newman performs “Marie”

from the album: Good Old Boys

…..Randy Newman

Randy Newman: [ singing ]“You looked like a princess the night we met
With your hair piled up high, I will never forget
I’m drunk right now, baby, but I’ve got to be
Or I never could tell you, What you mean to me.

I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you, Marie
I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you, Marie.

You’re the song that the trees sing when the wind blows
You’re a flower, you’re a river, you’re a rainbow
Sometimes I’m crazy, but I guess you know
And I’m weak and I’m lazy, and I’ve hurt you so
And I don’t listen to a word you say
When you’re in trouble, I just turn away.

I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you, Marie
I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you, Marie.”

[ audience cheers ]

Randy Newman: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you. Thank you. And now, here’s a film by Gary Weis.

[ audience cheers ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra performs “Rebecca Came Back From Mecca”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special



Mardi Gras Special

The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra performs “Rebecca Came Back From Mecca”

from the album: From New Orleans to Constantinople on the S.S. Leviathan (1975)

…..Randy Newman
…..The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra

[ interior, Theater of the Performing Arts, Randy Newman standing onstage before the cheering crowd ]

Randy Newman: And now, New Orleans’ own – The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra!

The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra: [ singing ]“Across the way from where I live
There is a girl and her name is Rebecca.
She’s twenty-three.
She saw an Oriental show
And then decided she would go
To Mecca
Across the sea.

And so she went one day
To Mecca, far away
Just to live near the Sultan’s den
She stayed there just two years
Got full of new ideas
And now she’s back home again.

Since Rebecca
Came back from Mecca
All day long she keeps on smoking Turkish tobecca.
With a veil upon her face
She goes dancing round the place
And yesterday her father found her
With a Turkish towel around her.
Oh! Oh! Everyone’s worried so.
They think she’s crazy in the dome.
She’s as bold as Theda Bara
Theda’s bare but Becky’s barer
Since Rebecca came back home.

[ break ]

Once, her little sister Sonia
Wore her clothes– and caught pneumonia!
Since Rebecca came back home.”

[ audience cheers ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Randy Newman performs “Kingfish”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special



Mardi Gras Special

Randy Newman performs “Kingfish”

from the album: Good Old Boys (1974)

…..Randy Newman

[ open on Randy Newman at the Theater of the Performing Arts ]

Randy Newman: This is a song, uh, about Huey P. Long. “Kingfish.”

[ singing ]“There’s a hundred-thousand Frenchmen in New Orleans
In New Orleans, there are Frenchmen everywhere
But your house could fall down
Your baby could drown
Wouldn’t none of those Frenchmen care.

Everybody gather ’round
Loosen up your suspenders
Hunker down on the ground
I’m a cracker
And you are, too
But don’t I take good care of you?

Who built the highway to Baton Rouge?
Who put up the hospital and built you schools?
Who looks after [shit]-kickers like you?
The Kingfish do.

Who gave a party at the Roosevelt Hotel?
And invited the whole north half of the state down there for free
The people in the city
Had their eyes bugging out
‘Cause everyone of you
Looked just like me.

It’s the Kingfish, the Kingfish
Everybody sing
It’s the Kingfish, the Kingfish
Every man a king.

Who took on the Standard Oil men
And whipped their tail
Just like he promised he’d do?
Ain’t no Standard Oil men gonna run this state
Gonna be run by little folks like me and you.

It’s the Kingfish, the Kingfish
Friend of the working man
It’s the Kingfish, the Kingfish
The Kingfish gonna save this land.”

[ audience applauds ]

Randy Newman: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank y’all, very much!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Randy Newman performs “Sail Away”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special



Mardi Gras Special

Randy Newman performs “Sail Away”

from the album: Good Old Boys (1974)

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
…..Randy Newman

Buck Henry: Well, Jane, I don’t think we can keep it a secret any longer. Do you want to tell them?

Jane Curtin: I guess not, Buck. [ chickens out ] Here is a song from Randy Newman!

[ dissolve to Randy Newman at the Theater of the Performing Arts ]

Randy Newman: [ singing ]“In America, you’ll get food to eat
Won’t have to run through the jungle
And scuff up your feet
You’ll just sing about Jesus and drink wine all day
It’s great to be an American.

Ain’t no lions or tigers, ain’t no mamba snake
Just the sweet watermelon and the buckwheat cake
Ev’rybody is as happy as a man can be
Climb aboard little wog, sail away with me.

Sail away, sail away
We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay
Sail away, sail away
We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay.

In America, every man is free
To take care of his home and his family
You’ll be as happy as a monkey in a monkey tree
You’re all gonna be an American.

Sail away, sail away
We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay
Sail away, sail away
We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay.”

[ audience applauds ]

Randy Newman: Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Mussolini Reenactment



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special





Mardi Gras Special

Mussolini Reenactment

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
Ricky Mussolini…..John Belushi

[ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Baba and Helen.

Buck Henry: You know, every year around Mardi Gras time, hundreds of traditional events take place. The most spectacular to me are the lavish masquerade recreations of famous happenings in New Orleans’ history. The men of the Krewe of Vastoth [?] annually restage the 300-mile crossing of the bayou by pirate Jean Lafitte in 1810. That’s one that the folks really enjoy. The combined Krewes of [?] and Apollo always serve their commemorative gumbo brunch for 20,000 people on a festival barge in the middle of Lake Pontchartrain.

Jane Curtin: I’ve never been to one, Buck, but I hear that’s quite a party.

Buck Henry: And I am personally intrigued by one of the more recent Carnival events, and that is the yearly Masquerade Re-Creation of Italian dictator Benito Mussolini’s state visit to New Orleans in 1940. Let’s go now to the French Quarter, where the Krewe of [?] is re-creating that colorful and historic event.

[ dissolve to a close-up shot of a crowd of revelers chanting, zoom out to reveal the magnitude of this crowd ]

Buck Henry V/O: This, of course —

[ cut to exteriro shot of a French Quarter building, the balcony draped with an Italian flag ]

Buck Henry V/O: This, of course, has been done each year since 1966, to commemorate il Dulce’s formal address to the waters of the Mississippi delta.

[ the crowd cheers with excitement, as John Belushi, dressed as Benito Mussolini, steps onto the balcony and looks down proudly ] [ outstretches his arms and addresses the crowd in thick Italian, only the word “party” coming through audibly, which is enough to cause the drunken crowd below to erupt into ecstatic applause ] [ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Buck Henry: The part of Benito is being portrayed by his 27-year old grandson, Ricky Mussolini. He looks like he’s having fun out there tonight. Ricky Musso — Ricky Mussolini, playing his grandfather, here at the Mardi Gras. Incidentally, Ricky is a successful pick-up truck salesman in [ with a Cajun accent ] Bat-on Rouge.

[ extended silence, as Buck and Jane look to the camera with uncertainty. The Bacchus parade has still not arrived at this location. A lone voice shouts in the background, as Jane taps her earpiece. ]

Jane Curtin: Uh – something that you might find interesting: the origin of the parade. One-hundred years ago, thousands of people began to line both sides of Canal Street, for no particular reason. After years of going away disappointed, the city put a parade in the middle!

[ the eager crowd laughs and applauds ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Stella!



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special




Mardi Gras Special

Stella!

Stanley Kowalski…..John Belushi
Black Man…..Garrett Morris
Stella…..Laraine Newman

[ open on exterior, city street at night. Pan across to reveal a torn-shirted Stanley Kowalski stepping off of a streetcar line and staggering toward a row of apartments while clutching a can of beer. ]

Stanley Kowalski: [ glances upward ] Stellllllllaaaaa!!! Stelllllllllll-aaaaaaaaaaa!!!

[ a light turns on in a second-floor window ]

Stanley Kowalski: STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

[ Black Man steps out on second-floor balcony from window ]

Black Man: Hey, uh – listen, pal – there’s no Stella here.

Stanley Kowalski: STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Black Man: Hey! Look, uh, I-I’m trying to tell you, baby – there’s no Stella here, uh —

Stanley Kowalski: I know Stella’s there! [ falls to his knees ] STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! This is my HOUSE! I know Stella’s up there! STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Black Man: Look – look – look — you – you want Desire and Elysian Fields, right? Huh?

Stanley Kowalski: [ stands ] Right.. yeah.

Black Man: Well, this is Desire and Royal. You’re two blocks too far south, baby.

Stanley Kowalski: [ comprehends this information, shakes his head ] Oh — [ smacks his forehead ] Ohhh, wowwwww! Oh! [ shakes his head ] Hey, I’m really sorry, I-I —

Black Man: Hey, that’s okay, that’s okay —

Stanley Kowalski: I was a little juiced up tonight, and I-I thought this was my house and —

Black Man: I-it’s okay.

Stanley Kowalski: Wow! Wow! [ walks off, mumbling incoherently to himself ] [ a lightly-dressed white woman steps onto the second-floor balcony to join the black man ]

Stella: Who was that, honey?

Black Man: Stanley.

Stella: Oh, I should have known! come on back to bed, huh? [ wraps her arms around him ]

Black Man: Okay, Stella!

[ they re-enter the apartment. Audience cheers. ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Tomorrow



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special






Mardi Gras Special

Tomorrow

Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Honker…..Bill Murray
Velocity…..Cindy Williams

[ open on title card: “Tomorrow” ] [ dissolve to Tom Snyder standing in front of a strip club on Bourbon Street. Various signs advertise “Men & Girls”, “Topless & Bottomless Table Top Dancing”, and Peep Show.” Tom is speaking indistinctly with a bouncer named Honker before he notices the camera ]

Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody! Tonight, we’re doing the “Tomorrow” show from Mardi Gras, on Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. I must tell you at the outset of this program that if you’re offended by the discussion of explicit sexual phenomena.. then change the channel and watch a movie, alright? Becuase, tonight, we’re looking into the bizarre world of – well, I might as well just say it – topless and bottomless bars! [ chuckles ] Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [ looks toward the bouncer ] Uh – uh, sir, can we have a word with you, please? Uh – sir, what is your name?

Honker: Uh – the Honker. Everybody calls me Honker out here.

Tom Snyder: Alright, Mr. Honker, uh – I take it that, uh, your job is to attract people into coming into this establishment. Am I correct, sir?

Honker: Well, I, uh, personally, have nothing covered, but if you’re the kind of person who likes boobs ‘n bras, uh, then ya’ gotta check this OUT! We have the most beautiful girls in town, and continuous entertainment – but with NO cover, and drinks are only a dollar, of course.

Tom Snyder: Well, that sounds.. just terrific.

Honker: At this time, Mr. Snyder, The Pink Lady is proud to present you with — [ a dancer steps out with a hurricane glass, as the crowd of revelers cheer ] — a complimentary hurricane made up of four different kinds of rum, with a delicious fruit-flavored punch.

Tom Snyder: Thank you very much. Uh – young lady, what is your name?

Velocity: Velocity.

Tom Snyder: Alright, Velocity, I’m gonna ask you a question, but I – I’m gonna make it short because I — [ noticing her cleavage ] don’t want to make you get cold! Ha ha ha ha! Now, you’re, uh, you’re one of the topless and bottomless performers here at The Pink Lady, is that correct?

Velocity: Yes, that is correct.

Tom Snyder: How many hours a day do you work?

Velocity: Seven.

Tom Snyder: And how much of that time are you actually dancing?

Velocity: Oh.. fifteen minutes to an hour.

Tom Snyder: Soooo.. well.. how – so, that’s how many hours per week, then?

Velocity: Oh, I would say.. nine-and-a-quarter hours a week.

Tom Snyder: Alright. And how long have you been employed by The Pink Lady?

Velocity: Eighteen months.

Tom Snyder: So, that’s about.. uh.. how many total dancing hours?

Velocity: [ does the math in her head ] Six-hundred and twenty.

Tom Snyder: Okay. You log six-hundred and twenty hours. Do you yourself ever become sexually aroused while you’re dancing?

Velocity: Constantly.

Tom Snyder: Okay. Say I watch your act, and I come up to you after the act and ask you for sexual favors in exchange for money. Would you be amenable to such an exchange.

Velocity: No, no, definitely no, no, no, no.

Tom Snyder: Well, prostitution is illegal – we’re on national TV. I don’t suppose you’d admit to it even if you did do it.

Velocity: Then, why did you ask me?

Tom Snyder: Well, I.. thought maybe you’d say yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

Velocity: Well, the answer’s no, Mr. Snyder. I’m an artist – like yourself. [ Tom nods ] Do you prostitute yourself?

Tom Snyder: [ quickly, in a panic ] Well, thank you very much for talking with us, Velocity! There you have it. You can’t go into a topless-bottomless bar on Bourbon Street in Louisiana and buy a girl – not here, anyway. [ Velocity exits inside the club, as Honker reappears ] Uh – well, I guess it’s time to go on inside The Pink Lady here and find out just what goes on inside these clubs! Now, our cameras can’t go in, so I’m jut ging to go on inside, I’ll give you an eyewitness report. Mr. Honker, would you hold my microphone, please?

Honker: Certainly, Tom.

[ Honker takes the microphone, as Tom enters inside the club ]

Honker: [ speaking into the microphone ] Okay, uh – okay, check it out, come on in, everybody! Uh – big celebrity, Tom Snyder, is inside right now watching the dancers onstage! Check it out – continuous entertainment! [ to a pair of passersby ] Tom snyder, the “Tomorrow” show, is INSIDE the club right now! Go ahead in, it’s a terrific show! Believe me, these girls have a lot upstairs! You know, it’s funny – peole say, “They’re just for physique.” No! They got a LOT of intelligence! A LOT of them go to school —

[ Tom returns from inside the club and takes his microphone back ]

Tom Snyder: Thank you. Well, I must say, Mr. Honker – I’m sorry to say this, but – well – quite frankly, I’d call your establishment a RIPOFF! I went in there expecting topless and bottomless – frankly, I saw G-STRINGS and I saw PASTIES!! Now – how do you account for this false advertising?

Honker: Well, now, you’re talking about COMPLETELYtopless and COMPLETELY bottomless! Uh, the only place you’re gonna see that, uh, is out in California! I’ll tell ya’, though – I worked a place out in Salt Lake City, they made the girls there wear one-piece bathing suits, they only served three to a beer – the place was still PACKED! Frankly, I think that people might want to leave a little to the imagination, you know? You know what I mean?

Tom Snyder: Haha! I’ll tell you, when we were coming out of KNBC in California, everyo nce in a while, some of the guys and I would go down to Tijuana, some of the crew and – well, one of them – some of the guys in the crew – especially Bobby Brown – remembered this one young lady, and, well, I might say that – well, you don’t know what muscle cotnrol is until you see this girl’s act! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Well, of course, that’s Tijuana, and they’re having a lot of problems down in that town. Mr. Honker, thank you for talking with us. [ to the camera ] We’ve been at The Pink Lady in Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. [ Honker begins bouncing around behind tom and making faces for the camera ] Uh – tomorrow on the “Tomorrow” show, my guest is going to be the Human Fly – he’s the guy who climbed twenty-eight floors, up to my office in the RCA Building in New York City, and said, “Let me on the show.” He was on the outside of the building, how could I turn him down? We also have Alexander Cobanisky [?] – he’ll be with us. And good night, everybody!

[ camera pulls back, then zooms down on some garbage in the street and the title card slide appears over the garbage ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special










Mardi Gras Special

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
…..Mayor Moon Landrieau
…..Garrett Morris
…..Laraine Newman
Man….John Belushi
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
Captain Devero Boyee…..Bill Murray

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry.

Buck Henry: Good evening. Our top story tonight: an unprecedented move by an American president was made this week, when Jimmy Carter wrote a letter to Soviet dissident, Andre S??, telling him that the United States backs his intentions one-hundred percent. And, in what has been considered a blatant act of retaliation, Soviet Premier Leonid Brehznev has written a letter to Jimmy Carter, saying that, quote, “Your mother is quite wrinkled and extremely old.” Unquote. [ to Jane ] An ancient Russian means of retaliation.

Jane Curtin: Ah. In the wake of the CIA’s famous foreign powers, the Central Intelligence Agency confirmed today that it paid over three million dollars in hush money to Generalissimo Francisco Franco over the past eighteen months for keeping quiet on certain matters.

Buck Henry: Well, a Liberian luxury liner broke in half off the coast of Rhode Island this afternoon, killing all of the 2,200 passengers and crew aboard. Coast Guard officials have expressed fear that the bodies spilled may drift to New England beaches, becoming a navigation hazard and clogging the lobster traps. More on this story as it develops.

Jane Curtin: And, in a moving ceremony today, Mayor Moon Landrieau gave New Orleans’ native son, Garrett Morris, the combination to the city. We’ll take you now to that ceremony, in progress.

[ cut to Mayor Moon Landrieau standing on the street with Garrett Morris ]

Mayor Moon Landrieau: Garrett, this is the combination to the City of New Orleans. [ hands a perplexed Garrett a piece of paper ] It’s 33-left, 41-right, and 19-left.

[ as they speak, a reveler can be seen walking past in the background. Suddenly aware of the cameras, the masked reveler casually saunters towards Garrett, the Mayor, and the cameras, unseen by both men but quickly apprehended by the NOPD. ]

Garrett Morris: Thank you very much, Mr. Mayor. This is quite an honor.

Mayor Moon Landrieau: Not actually, Garrett. We’re gonna change it tomorrow.

[ cut back to Buck and Jane ]

Buck Henry: Well, in spite of his recent injury, and always a showman and perennial crowd please, daredevil Evil Knievel jumped the entire length of last night’s Mardi Gras parade in his hospital bed.

[ show slide of hospital bed flying over the Superdome ]

More on his condition, as the bulletins come in.

Jane Curtin: Let’s go now to Laraine Newman, with a live report on another of those quaint Mardi Gras traditions.

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing next to a man with mice taped to his eyebrows ]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m out here on the strret, talking to the people, and, as crazy as it sounds, uh, tonight’s the night they call “Mouse sunday.” People all over New Orleans are taping white mice to their eyes. I’m with them right now. [ points her microphone toward the man’s face ]

Man: Careful – I can’t see a thing!

Laraine Newman: Well, sir, I have just one question.

Man: Yeah?

Laraine Newman: Why?

Man: For kicks! We do it for kicks! Ha ha! That’s all! Ha ha!

Laraine Newman: I see. Uh, when did this custom originate?

Man: Well, I don’t know, uh – I mean, I do it, uh, my father did it, my grandpa did it just before him.. my MA done it, she’s great!

Laraine Newman: Yeah, but.. what possible pleasure could derive from it?

Man: Excuse me, uh – are you are a man or a woman?

Laraine Newman: [ sternly ] I’m a woman.

Man: [ smoothly ] Hey, uh, can I buy you a drink somewhere? What do you say we go over to Pat O’Briens, and — [ the roar of the cheering crowd drowns him out ] You like dixieland music, huh?

Laraine Newman: Uh, sir – these mice, are they dead? [ touches one of the mice ]

Man: NO, they’re not dead! They’re just asleep! [ taps the mice ] Come on, wake up! Wake up! Let’s get those whiskers movin’! Hey! I’m talkin’ to YOU! Come on! Up and at ’em! [ to Laraine ] Hey, how ’bout a walk to some voodoo? what do you say, would you like to make some reeaal voodoo? Of course, you have to take your clothes off. I mean, you have to take your clothes off, it’s a real sticky place!

Laraine Newman: I’ve always wanted to see the real voodoo. Are you sure those mice are okay?

Man: They’re fine.. they’re okay..

Laraine Newman: Well.. I’ll just have to do the wrap-up, and then we can leave. [ to the camera ] People taping white mice to their eyes! All part of the fun and gaiety, as Mardi Gras renews an ancient custom. [ the Man feeds a can of beer to his two mice ] This is Laraine Newman, somewhere in the French Quarter.

[ the Man continues to show Laraine his mice, as we cut back to Buck and Jane ]

Jane Curtin: Still to come: Are shoes an endangered species? [ show slide of real alligator shoes ] A float depicting the history of skiing accidents. And the Vatican College of Cardinals Marching Band and Drill Team. After this report from Weekend Update roving reporter, Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: [ facing to the camera ] Hi! Hi, I’m — [ the crowd cheers her presence ] oh, hello! Hi! I’m Emily Litella, and I’m SO excited! It’s my first time at Mardi Gras, and I’ve been drinking TEA! Straight, for three days! Ohh! [ a riverboat horn blares ] Ooh! Do you hear that?! Well, that’s the liverboat, coming down the Mississippi with LOADS of liver! And I’m standing here with Captain Devero Boyee, who is a captain of a BIG liverboat! Just like the one you just heard! Tell me, Captain – just how did the tradition of the liverboat start? Now, I know liver is rich in iron and vitamins, but so is PORK! Now, why aren’t there PORK boats?!

Captain Devero Boyee: Well —

Emily Litella: I mean — I mean, if you’re gonna have liverboats, you should also have some bacon, and some onions — I can’t believe it! What is — what is –?

Captain Devero Boyee: Miss Litella!

Emily Litella: What?!

Captain Devero Boyee: I’m the captain of a riverboat! A riverboat! Not a liverboat, a riverboat! We take leisurely cruises up and down the Mississippi.

Emily Litella: Ohhhhhh! Oh, well, that’s very different!

Captain Devero Boyee: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ turns to the camera ] Never mind!

[ the crowd cheers, as we cut back to Buck and Jane, completely missing the “group grope” attack on Gilda/Emily ]

Buck Henry: Here’s a Weekend Update Correction. On last Update, Jane Curtin inadvertently reported that Kate Smith won the international hang-gliding competition in Montreal. Well, we stand corrected. We were apparently confused by a typographical error. What we meant to say was that it was Clare Booth Luce who broke the color line in Major League Baseball.

[ a sheet of paper is suddenly handed over to Jane ]

Jane Curtin: Oh! This story just in — [ reads the paper ] Oh, my God! Washington – with guns blazing, a deranged gunman shot his way across Pennsylvania Avenue, leaped over the iron fence of the White House —

Buck Henry: Jane, excuse me just a moment, but the Baton Rouge High School band is just coming up the street. One of the most colorful processions you’ve ever seen, with full regalia, showing their beautiful colors of traditional blue and gold. The school’s thirty-eighth Mardi Gas experience, and it’s truly a great, great New Orleans tradition.

Jane Curtin: Buck, can I finish this, please?

Buck Henry: Yes.

Jane Curtin: [ continues her breaking story ] The gunman entered the White House, and found his way to the Oval Office —

Buck Henry: Jane, just a second – take a look at this, if you can: this is the Japanese Sushi Bar float, and entire float made up of raw fish and soy sauce. And it really does look delicious!

Jane Curtin: Oh, that certainly does — I-I could use some of that now!

Buck Henry: Absolutely!

[ Buck and Jane stare offscreen at the sushi-covered float with awe ]

Jane Curtin: [ faces the camera ] That’s the news for tonight. We’ll be back with Randy Newman, after this.

[ fade to black ] [ fade from black onto program card ]

Don Pardo V/O: Set your dial on laughter, with “Chevy and The Man.” Premiering this Friday at 8:30/7:30 Central and Mountain time.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Cemeteries



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special




Mardi Gras Special

Cemeteries

[ open passenger window point-of-view as Gary Weis drives through an above-ground cemetery ] [ dissolve to a painter adding a fresh coat of white paint to one of the above-ground tombs ]

Painter: [ the audio is off at first ] — for nothin’, some of ’em. We ain’t even paid a nickel for ’em. But,since things are so rough on the graveyard now, I gotta charge that fee. I can’t do it for nothin’ no more. It’s one of those things. I guess ’cause paint costs money now, and things ain’t cheap no more, you know? But I love it out in this graveyard. People don’t talk back to you. If they talk back to you – if they talk back to you, I’m leaving! I painted tombs for a living at St. Patrick’s Cemetery – it is gone, but her husband was buried — I was on top that tomb painting, I told her, I said, “Listen, darling – if your husband talks back to me, I’m gonna leave you, the paint, brush, truck, and everything behind. I’m leaving! I’m gone!” [ chuckles ] Boy, she got a big kick out of that!

[ dissolve to the same painter now dishing on a different subject ]

Painter: Crabbing? I go crabbing – I caught a crab, twenty-five inches. He’s still hanging out — [ points his thumb backwards ] He’s in a – he’s in a bar about two days, out there on Haynes Boulevard. Louis Louis. I hang him on top the – the – the place there, the door, so everybody can see the crab. He’s got a paw so big, it’s pitiful.

[ dissolve to further in the day, the painter still talking ]

Painter: Most money I make out here, I save. Most of it, I save. [ inaudinble ] I-I-I save, and I give birthday parties every year. Give a beautiful birthday party. Put a hundred dollars on the bar – that’s for the drinks – I buy a cake, costs about thirty dollars – my birthday cake – it’s so big, you got enough cake that people take the cake home. I got a big hare in my pot – cut up, sliced. Awww, never seem to mention [?] In the bayou, we got rabbit! A friend of mine’s supposed to be Cherokee – cooked rabbit for us.

[ dissolve again to further in the day ]

Painter: Well, up on the ridge, I can’t say nothin’ about it – I love New Orleans. I been a few places, but I still think New Orleans is the best. [ audience cheers ] I tell you, they got better weather, better — everything’s better here. They got people way from out here — it’s something, it’s cold, it’s snowing, or — we ain’t got that here!

[ fade ]

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