SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Tomorrow

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special


Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Honker…..Bill Murray
Velocity…..Cindy Williams

[ open on title card: “Tomorrow” ] [ dissolve to Tom Snyder standing in front of a strip club on Bourbon Street. Various signs advertise “Men & Girls”, “Topless & Bottomless Table Top Dancing”, and Peep Show.” Tom is speaking indistinctly with a bouncer named Honker before he notices the camera ]

Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody! Tonight, we’re doing the “Tomorrow” show from Mardi Gras, on Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. I must tell you at the outset of this program that if you’re offended by the discussion of explicit sexual phenomena.. then change the channel and watch a movie, alright? Becuase, tonight, we’re looking into the bizarre world of – well, I might as well just say it – topless and bottomless bars! [ chuckles ] Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [ looks toward the bouncer ] Uh – uh, sir, can we have a word with you, please? Uh – sir, what is your name?

Honker: Uh – the Honker. Everybody calls me Honker out here.

Tom Snyder: Alright, Mr. Honker, uh – I take it that, uh, your job is to attract people into coming into this establishment. Am I correct, sir?

Honker: Well, I, uh, personally, have nothing covered, but if you’re the kind of person who likes boobs ‘n bras, uh, then ya’ gotta check this OUT! We have the most beautiful girls in town, and continuous entertainment – but with NO cover, and drinks are only a dollar, of course.

Tom Snyder: Well, that sounds.. just terrific.

Honker: At this time, Mr. Snyder, The Pink Lady is proud to present you with — [ a dancer steps out with a hurricane glass, as the crowd of revelers cheer ] — a complimentary hurricane made up of four different kinds of rum, with a delicious fruit-flavored punch.

Tom Snyder: Thank you very much. Uh – young lady, what is your name?

Velocity: Velocity.

Tom Snyder: Alright, Velocity, I’m gonna ask you a question, but I – I’m gonna make it short because I — [ noticing her cleavage ] don’t want to make you get cold! Ha ha ha ha! Now, you’re, uh, you’re one of the topless and bottomless performers here at The Pink Lady, is that correct?

Velocity: Yes, that is correct.

Tom Snyder: How many hours a day do you work?

Velocity: Seven.

Tom Snyder: And how much of that time are you actually dancing?

Velocity: Oh.. fifteen minutes to an hour.

Tom Snyder: Soooo.. well.. how – so, that’s how many hours per week, then?

Velocity: Oh, I would say.. nine-and-a-quarter hours a week.

Tom Snyder: Alright. And how long have you been employed by The Pink Lady?

Velocity: Eighteen months.

Tom Snyder: So, that’s about.. uh.. how many total dancing hours?

Velocity: [ does the math in her head ] Six-hundred and twenty.

Tom Snyder: Okay. You log six-hundred and twenty hours. Do you yourself ever become sexually aroused while you’re dancing?

Velocity: Constantly.

Tom Snyder: Okay. Say I watch your act, and I come up to you after the act and ask you for sexual favors in exchange for money. Would you be amenable to such an exchange.

Velocity: No, no, definitely no, no, no, no.

Tom Snyder: Well, prostitution is illegal – we’re on national TV. I don’t suppose you’d admit to it even if you did do it.

Velocity: Then, why did you ask me?

Tom Snyder: Well, I.. thought maybe you’d say yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

Velocity: Well, the answer’s no, Mr. Snyder. I’m an artist – like yourself. [ Tom nods ] Do you prostitute yourself?

Tom Snyder: [ quickly, in a panic ] Well, thank you very much for talking with us, Velocity! There you have it. You can’t go into a topless-bottomless bar on Bourbon Street in Louisiana and buy a girl – not here, anyway. [ Velocity exits inside the club, as Honker reappears ] Uh – well, I guess it’s time to go on inside The Pink Lady here and find out just what goes on inside these clubs! Now, our cameras can’t go in, so I’m jut ging to go on inside, I’ll give you an eyewitness report. Mr. Honker, would you hold my microphone, please?

Honker: Certainly, Tom.

[ Honker takes the microphone, as Tom enters inside the club ]

Honker: [ speaking into the microphone ] Okay, uh – okay, check it out, come on in, everybody! Uh – big celebrity, Tom Snyder, is inside right now watching the dancers onstage! Check it out – continuous entertainment! [ to a pair of passersby ] Tom snyder, the “Tomorrow” show, is INSIDE the club right now! Go ahead in, it’s a terrific show! Believe me, these girls have a lot upstairs! You know, it’s funny – peole say, “They’re just for physique.” No! They got a LOT of intelligence! A LOT of them go to school —

[ Tom returns from inside the club and takes his microphone back ]

Tom Snyder: Thank you. Well, I must say, Mr. Honker – I’m sorry to say this, but – well – quite frankly, I’d call your establishment a RIPOFF! I went in there expecting topless and bottomless – frankly, I saw G-STRINGS and I saw PASTIES!! Now – how do you account for this false advertising?

Honker: Well, now, you’re talking about COMPLETELYtopless and COMPLETELY bottomless! Uh, the only place you’re gonna see that, uh, is out in California! I’ll tell ya’, though – I worked a place out in Salt Lake City, they made the girls there wear one-piece bathing suits, they only served three to a beer – the place was still PACKED! Frankly, I think that people might want to leave a little to the imagination, you know? You know what I mean?

Tom Snyder: Haha! I’ll tell you, when we were coming out of KNBC in California, everyo nce in a while, some of the guys and I would go down to Tijuana, some of the crew and – well, one of them – some of the guys in the crew – especially Bobby Brown – remembered this one young lady, and, well, I might say that – well, you don’t know what muscle cotnrol is until you see this girl’s act! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Well, of course, that’s Tijuana, and they’re having a lot of problems down in that town. Mr. Honker, thank you for talking with us. [ to the camera ] We’ve been at The Pink Lady in Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. [ Honker begins bouncing around behind tom and making faces for the camera ] Uh – tomorrow on the “Tomorrow” show, my guest is going to be the Human Fly – he’s the guy who climbed twenty-eight floors, up to my office in the RCA Building in New York City, and said, “Let me on the show.” He was on the outside of the building, how could I turn him down? We also have Alexander Cobanisky [?] – he’ll be with us. And good night, everybody!

[ camera pulls back, then zooms down on some garbage in the street and the title card slide appears over the garbage ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
…..Mayor Moon Landrieau
…..Garrett Morris
…..Laraine Newman
Man….John Belushi
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
Captain Devero Boyee…..Bill Murray

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry.

Buck Henry: Good evening. Our top story tonight: an unprecedented move by an American president was made this week, when Jimmy Carter wrote a letter to Soviet dissident, Andre S??, telling him that the United States backs his intentions one-hundred percent. And, in what has been considered a blatant act of retaliation, Soviet Premier Leonid Brehznev has written a letter to Jimmy Carter, saying that, quote, “Your mother is quite wrinkled and extremely old.” Unquote. [ to Jane ] An ancient Russian means of retaliation.

Jane Curtin: Ah. In the wake of the CIA’s famous foreign powers, the Central Intelligence Agency confirmed today that it paid over three million dollars in hush money to Generalissimo Francisco Franco over the past eighteen months for keeping quiet on certain matters.

Buck Henry: Well, a Liberian luxury liner broke in half off the coast of Rhode Island this afternoon, killing all of the 2,200 passengers and crew aboard. Coast Guard officials have expressed fear that the bodies spilled may drift to New England beaches, becoming a navigation hazard and clogging the lobster traps. More on this story as it develops.

Jane Curtin: And, in a moving ceremony today, Mayor Moon Landrieau gave New Orleans’ native son, Garrett Morris, the combination to the city. We’ll take you now to that ceremony, in progress.

[ cut to Mayor Moon Landrieau standing on the street with Garrett Morris ]

Mayor Moon Landrieau: Garrett, this is the combination to the City of New Orleans. [ hands a perplexed Garrett a piece of paper ] It’s 33-left, 41-right, and 19-left.

[ as they speak, a reveler can be seen walking past in the background. Suddenly aware of the cameras, the masked reveler casually saunters towards Garrett, the Mayor, and the cameras, unseen by both men but quickly apprehended by the NOPD. ]

Garrett Morris: Thank you very much, Mr. Mayor. This is quite an honor.

Mayor Moon Landrieau: Not actually, Garrett. We’re gonna change it tomorrow.

[ cut back to Buck and Jane ]

Buck Henry: Well, in spite of his recent injury, and always a showman and perennial crowd please, daredevil Evil Knievel jumped the entire length of last night’s Mardi Gras parade in his hospital bed.

[ show slide of hospital bed flying over the Superdome ]

More on his condition, as the bulletins come in.

Jane Curtin: Let’s go now to Laraine Newman, with a live report on another of those quaint Mardi Gras traditions.

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing next to a man with mice taped to his eyebrows ]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m out here on the strret, talking to the people, and, as crazy as it sounds, uh, tonight’s the night they call “Mouse sunday.” People all over New Orleans are taping white mice to their eyes. I’m with them right now. [ points her microphone toward the man’s face ]

Man: Careful – I can’t see a thing!

Laraine Newman: Well, sir, I have just one question.

Man: Yeah?

Laraine Newman: Why?

Man: For kicks! We do it for kicks! Ha ha! That’s all! Ha ha!

Laraine Newman: I see. Uh, when did this custom originate?

Man: Well, I don’t know, uh – I mean, I do it, uh, my father did it, my grandpa did it just before him.. my MA done it, she’s great!

Laraine Newman: Yeah, but.. what possible pleasure could derive from it?

Man: Excuse me, uh – are you are a man or a woman?

Laraine Newman: [ sternly ] I’m a woman.

Man: [ smoothly ] Hey, uh, can I buy you a drink somewhere? What do you say we go over to Pat O’Briens, and — [ the roar of the cheering crowd drowns him out ] You like dixieland music, huh?

Laraine Newman: Uh, sir – these mice, are they dead? [ touches one of the mice ]

Man: NO, they’re not dead! They’re just asleep! [ taps the mice ] Come on, wake up! Wake up! Let’s get those whiskers movin’! Hey! I’m talkin’ to YOU! Come on! Up and at ’em! [ to Laraine ] Hey, how ’bout a walk to some voodoo? what do you say, would you like to make some reeaal voodoo? Of course, you have to take your clothes off. I mean, you have to take your clothes off, it’s a real sticky place!

Laraine Newman: I’ve always wanted to see the real voodoo. Are you sure those mice are okay?

Man: They’re fine.. they’re okay..

Laraine Newman: Well.. I’ll just have to do the wrap-up, and then we can leave. [ to the camera ] People taping white mice to their eyes! All part of the fun and gaiety, as Mardi Gras renews an ancient custom. [ the Man feeds a can of beer to his two mice ] This is Laraine Newman, somewhere in the French Quarter.

[ the Man continues to show Laraine his mice, as we cut back to Buck and Jane ]

Jane Curtin: Still to come: Are shoes an endangered species? [ show slide of real alligator shoes ] A float depicting the history of skiing accidents. And the Vatican College of Cardinals Marching Band and Drill Team. After this report from Weekend Update roving reporter, Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: [ facing to the camera ] Hi! Hi, I’m — [ the crowd cheers her presence ] oh, hello! Hi! I’m Emily Litella, and I’m SO excited! It’s my first time at Mardi Gras, and I’ve been drinking TEA! Straight, for three days! Ohh! [ a riverboat horn blares ] Ooh! Do you hear that?! Well, that’s the liverboat, coming down the Mississippi with LOADS of liver! And I’m standing here with Captain Devero Boyee, who is a captain of a BIG liverboat! Just like the one you just heard! Tell me, Captain – just how did the tradition of the liverboat start? Now, I know liver is rich in iron and vitamins, but so is PORK! Now, why aren’t there PORK boats?!

Captain Devero Boyee: Well —

Emily Litella: I mean — I mean, if you’re gonna have liverboats, you should also have some bacon, and some onions — I can’t believe it! What is — what is –?

Captain Devero Boyee: Miss Litella!

Emily Litella: What?!

Captain Devero Boyee: I’m the captain of a riverboat! A riverboat! Not a liverboat, a riverboat! We take leisurely cruises up and down the Mississippi.

Emily Litella: Ohhhhhh! Oh, well, that’s very different!

Captain Devero Boyee: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ turns to the camera ] Never mind!

[ the crowd cheers, as we cut back to Buck and Jane, completely missing the “group grope” attack on Gilda/Emily ]

Buck Henry: Here’s a Weekend Update Correction. On last Update, Jane Curtin inadvertently reported that Kate Smith won the international hang-gliding competition in Montreal. Well, we stand corrected. We were apparently confused by a typographical error. What we meant to say was that it was Clare Booth Luce who broke the color line in Major League Baseball.

[ a sheet of paper is suddenly handed over to Jane ]

Jane Curtin: Oh! This story just in — [ reads the paper ] Oh, my God! Washington – with guns blazing, a deranged gunman shot his way across Pennsylvania Avenue, leaped over the iron fence of the White House —

Buck Henry: Jane, excuse me just a moment, but the Baton Rouge High School band is just coming up the street. One of the most colorful processions you’ve ever seen, with full regalia, showing their beautiful colors of traditional blue and gold. The school’s thirty-eighth Mardi Gas experience, and it’s truly a great, great New Orleans tradition.

Jane Curtin: Buck, can I finish this, please?

Buck Henry: Yes.

Jane Curtin: [ continues her breaking story ] The gunman entered the White House, and found his way to the Oval Office —

Buck Henry: Jane, just a second – take a look at this, if you can: this is the Japanese Sushi Bar float, and entire float made up of raw fish and soy sauce. And it really does look delicious!

Jane Curtin: Oh, that certainly does — I-I could use some of that now!

Buck Henry: Absolutely!

[ Buck and Jane stare offscreen at the sushi-covered float with awe ]

Jane Curtin: [ faces the camera ] That’s the news for tonight. We’ll be back with Randy Newman, after this.

[ fade to black ] [ fade from black onto program card ]

Don Pardo V/O: Set your dial on laughter, with “Chevy and The Man.” Premiering this Friday at 8:30/7:30 Central and Mountain time.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts