SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Crowd Reaction



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special



Mardi Gras Special

Crowd Reaction

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
…..Eric Idle

[ SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: And now, in another part of the French Quarter, covering crowd reaction, we take you to Eric Idle.

[ dissolve to Eric Idle, seated at an outdoor table ]

Eric Idle: Bonjour, madame! [ extends his greeting in German ] Hello, and welcome to the Cafe [?], here in the heart of the New Orleans French Quarter. Here, there’s an atmosphere of almost unbelievable gaity — [ glances around the empty outdoor cafe ] and festivity. You can practically smell Mardi Gras here! The atmosphere, for four days, has been a feeling of Carnival, which was, uh, really here up to, uh, well, just a few short minutes ago, uh – before you came over here. [ grins ] The place was literally PACKED with revelers, party makers wearing beads and singing and dancing – it was a real Carnival atmosphere, and we were all having a really fun, fun time — up until a couple of moments ago. Literally, crowds of people were literally thronging [?] these streets, literally hundreds of GAY — uh, happy — folks were.. LURKING all over the place! What a pity, they’ve all gone.

Well, as you can see, the Carnival gaity, right now, seems to becoming also more fun here, as, in fact, from elsewhere. So let’s go, right away, over somewhere else! [ taps his earpiece ] Well, in fact, they say No. Apparently, we have some little technical problem – ha! – so we must stay here. Ha! Which, in fact, gives me time to tell you that, at the moment, it’s quite quiet here, in the French Quarter. [ glances at the emptiness that surrounds him ] Uh, but recently, it’s been much, much, MUCH noisier. Ha ha!

[ looks off to his side ] Well,the reveler over here — I think I can see one — why don’t we just go over right now, and ask what he’s doing here and how he’s enjoying Mardi Gras? [ steps over to a masked reveler seated alone at another table ] Sir, how are you doing enjoying Mardi Gras? [ the reveler falls face first into his food ] Ha! Fine. So, uh – just to recap – ha! – this is, as you know, Mardi Gras, and we are, uh, coming live from it! And we’re having a heck of a lot of fun! You bet.

Uh – Mardi Gras, incidentally, means Fat Tuesday, and is named after the legendary New Orleans singer, Fat Tuesday. He, uh, he was a friend of Fats Domino and Fats Waller – there were three of them, all fat, and one Tuesday. [ breathes heavily ] So! Uh.. a word about the French Quarter: only half of the French Quarter is, in fact, French; another quarter of the French Quarter is not at all French; a hald of the maining quarter is a bit French; and one-quarter of the remaining quarter of the quarter is Polish. [ taps his earpiece ] Ah! Well, I’m very glad to tell you that we can now — [ his smile freezes ] stay here.. a little bit.. longer. So. [ checks his watch ] Ha ha! Ah! [ pulls a postcard out of his jacket ] Incidentally, here – here is a picture of – of one of the parades. It’s a postcard – ha! – uh – this should show you what it’s, in fact, like at the moment! [ points to various points on the postcard ] Ha! Here, you can see Bacchus. Here’s Buck and Jane, over there. [ bounces the postcard up and down ] In fact, if I move it around a little bit, you’ll get some idea of — [ audience cheers ]

Well, it must be really exciting over there by now! Ha! What a pity.. we’re not over there. [ tosses the postcard across the way, then stretches his arm out and begins to sing: ] “If I ruled the world! / Every day would be the first day of Spring! –“

[ the reveler seated facefirst in his food now falls to the pavement, as Idle checks on him ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Jean Lafitte



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special





Mardi Gras Special

Jean Lafitte

…..Jane Curtin
…..Buck Henry
Jean Lafitte…..Bill MurrayDavid Benoit…..Dan Aykroyd
Marie-Claire…..Gilda Radner
Worker…..Tom Schiller
Worker 2…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Jane Curtin and Buck Henry at the reviewing stand ]

Jane Curtin: New Orleans is really an incredibly beautiful town, isn’t it, Buck?

Buck Henry: Yes, Jane, it is. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more beautiful city, except.. maybe.. Lake Havasu City.

Jane Curtin: Ah! But most people don’t know that, when they visit New Orleans, it’s not the real New Orleans, but an accurate replica, made of over 45,000 tons of orlioite[?] synthetic polyfiber board, created by the Walt Disney Leisure Group, for use in amusement parks and retirement villas throughout the great nation. Isn’t that fascinating, Buck?

Buck Henry: Very interesting. You know, Jane – at one time — [ he dodges a pair of flying beads ] At one time, New Orleans was the home of pirates, buccaneers – among whom was, perhaps, the most notorious of them all, the infamous pirate Jean Lafitte.

[ dissolve to streetlight on a New Orleans corner ] [ SUPER: “New Orleans 1813, A Visit With Jean Lafitte” ] [ pan out to reveal French Quarter street market crowd, as Jean Lafitte steps forward ]

Jean Lafitte: [ in a thick French accent ] Hello, there! I am Jean Lafitte! This is my home – New Orleans, in the early 19th Century. Please, I invite you to look around – it’s Mardi Gras, and I welcome all of you! But, first, let’s get something straight: A lot of people call me a pirate, you know? In history legends, they say, “The pirate, Jean Lafitte.” [ shakes his head ] I do not consider myself a pirate, you know? I’m a privateer, a cossair[?], a brigham[?], a rogue – you know? Or perhaps, if you will, an independent marine contractor, you know? But not a pirate – NEVER a pirate! I HATE that word: “pirate.” Okay? Come on – let’s take a look around my marketplace. [ steps off to the side, removes his jacket ] As you can see, it’s been a pretty god year for me and my men.

David Benoit: Hello, Jean! You don’t know me – I’m David Benoit, from Bayou Celambe[?]. I just want to say, I’m, uh, one of your brother Pierre’s men! [ shakes Lafitte’s hand ]

Jean Lafitte: Well, it’s nice to have you aboard – it is nice to have good, loyal men, huh?

David Benoit: I-I just want to say that I think that you’re, uh — [ tosses Lafitte’s jacket aside ] you’re one of the finest pirates in all the by-you!

Jean Lafitte: [ frowns ] Look, uh, do not call me a pirate, okay? [ whips out his pistol and shoots Benoit to the ground, then faces the camera ] Look – I’m not a pirate. Call me a privateer, a cossair[?], a bandit – you know? But NEVER a pirate! Okay?

David Benoit: A pirate!

Jean Lafitte: Yeah! Now, I really mean it this time, okay? I’m sorry. Now, pirates attack anything that floats! I’m selective about it! Look, I’ll tell you what I do – here’s how I got it set up. [ takes a piece of paper out of his jacket ] I fly a flag of Argentina, you know? I’ve got letters of mark here, that says I can sink, plunder any ship standing on the Spanish vessel – you know, any Spanish vessel. That’s not piracy. That’s what we call “positive seizure of cargo in transit.”

Marie-Claire: [ trying to get Lafitte’s attention ] Uh – Monsieur Lafitte — Monsieur Lafitte?

Jean Lafitte: What is it, Marie-Claire?

Marie-Claire: Oh, you must tell me, which wine you would prefer with the evening meal — the red, with the;or the white, from your cousin’s vineyard?

Jean Lafitte: And, which would you prefer, my dear?

Marie-Claire: Ohhh. I’d prefer the white wine.

Jean Lafitte: Well, there is one way to settle this, Madam [ whips out his sword ]

Marie-Claire: Ohhhhh! [ grabs a sword of her own ] Watch your feet, Lafitte!

[ she whips the sword towards his feet, but he dodges it by leaping into the air. The clash their swords together several time, until she knocks his sword to the ground, steps on it, then holds her sword to his neck. ]

Jean Lafitte: Very well, you win – we’ll have the white instead! [ she allows him to return to his feet ] It’s a bit frightening, you know what I mean? I don’t like to fight somebody like that. Hey, Marie?

Marie-Claire: Uh, yes, Monsieur Lafitte?

Jean Lafitte: What is the word that I hate the most in the whole world?

Marie-Claire: Ummmmm — pirate!

Jean Lafitte: Right. [ points shotgun at her and fires it, as she screams and falls ] Aaarghh!! I hate it! Call me a charlatan! Call me a brigham[?]! Call me a punk! Call me a cheap swashbuckler!! But I’m no PIRATE, you know what I mean?! Look! I don’t drop my captured treasure in some sleazy hall, or a trunk buried on a beach somewhere! I’ve got professionals working for me! I’ve got bookkeeppers, I’ve got lawyers! I get my treasured washed every week! My doubloons are laundered by professionals, you know what I mean?! [ removes his belt and sword ] [ a worker yells at Lafitte from atop a balcony ]

Worker: Hey, Jean! I went to Paris! I stole for your mother!

[ angry, Lafitte fires a shot and drops the worker into a haystack below ]

Worker 2: [ steps forward ] Hey, hey, Jean — he said “Par-is“, not “pi-rate, man!”

Jean Lafitte: Oh. Sorry, very sorry. Well, anyway — right now, my big problem is what to wear to the big Mardi Gras masquerade ball, you know? I usually go as a harlequin, you know, something like that. [ begins changing behind a panel ] But, this year, just to let people know that Jean Lafitte is a good sort, you know — just to prove that — hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo-oo-oo-oo!! Oh, am I going to have a laugh on them! [ steps out from behind the panel, now disguised as a pirate ] I’m going as a PIRATE! Hey, hey — I’m NOT a pirate, I’m just GOING as one, you know? I HATE it.. but it’ll fool everybody, you know? [ chuckles ] HAPPY MARDI GRAS!!

[ dissolve to the cheering crowd of revelers ] [ zoom in on one woman, with caption: “Spells Kunte Kinte With a ‘C'” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Randy Newman performs “Louisiana 1927”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special




Mardi Gras Special

Randy Newman performs “Louisiana 1927”

from the album: Good Old Boys

…..Randy Newman

[ open on exterior, Theater of the Performing Arts ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Randy Newman!

[ dissolve to interior, the crowds cheering as Randy Newman enters the stage, bows, then takes his seat behind his piano. The New Orleans Symphony and Howard Shore and the SNL band are assembled behind him. ]

Randy Newman: [ singing ]“What has happened down here is the wind have changed
Clouds roll in from the north and it started to rain
Rained real hard and rained for a real long time
Six feet of water in the streets of Evangeline.

Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away.

President Coolidge come down in a railroad train
With a little fat man with a note pad in his hand
The President say, “Little fat man, isn’t it a shame
What the river has done to this poor cracker’s land?”

Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
Louisiana, Louisiana
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away
They’re tryin’ to wash us away.”

[ audience roars with applause ]

Randy Newman: Thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much, and welcome to Mardi Gras. [ the crowd screams with excitement ] You don’t need me to welcome you, of course, you know. We’re here at the Performing Arts Center in New Orleans, and the Not Ready For Prime Time Players are strategically located here in the French Quarter. Eric Idle will be, uh, covering the crowd reaction. Uh – [ the crowd laughs, as does Randy ] With the, uh, 15,000 costume salesmen dressed up as pickles. [ crowd laughs ] Uh – Cindy Williams and Penny Marshall, uh, will be at the Apollo Ball. Baba Wawa will be standing by with Henry winkler. [ crowd Yeahs! and cheers ] And buck Henry and Jane Curtin will be covering the Bacchus parade, and we’ll go to them.. now!

[ Randy points his finger at the camera, as a growing circle transitions the action to Buck Henry and Jane Curtin at a reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Randy Newman performs “Marie”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special



Mardi Gras Special

Randy Newman performs “Marie”

from the album: Good Old Boys

…..Randy Newman

Randy Newman: [ singing ]“You looked like a princess the night we met
With your hair piled up high, I will never forget
I’m drunk right now, baby, but I’ve got to be
Or I never could tell you, What you mean to me.

I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you, Marie
I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you, Marie.

You’re the song that the trees sing when the wind blows
You’re a flower, you’re a river, you’re a rainbow
Sometimes I’m crazy, but I guess you know
And I’m weak and I’m lazy, and I’ve hurt you so
And I don’t listen to a word you say
When you’re in trouble, I just turn away.

I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you, Marie
I loved you the first time I saw you
And I always will love you, Marie.”

[ audience cheers ]

Randy Newman: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you. Thank you. And now, here’s a film by Gary Weis.

[ audience cheers ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra performs “Rebecca Came Back From Mecca”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special



Mardi Gras Special

The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra performs “Rebecca Came Back From Mecca”

from the album: From New Orleans to Constantinople on the S.S. Leviathan (1975)

…..Randy Newman
…..The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra

[ interior, Theater of the Performing Arts, Randy Newman standing onstage before the cheering crowd ]

Randy Newman: And now, New Orleans’ own – The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra!

The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra: [ singing ]“Across the way from where I live
There is a girl and her name is Rebecca.
She’s twenty-three.
She saw an Oriental show
And then decided she would go
To Mecca
Across the sea.

And so she went one day
To Mecca, far away
Just to live near the Sultan’s den
She stayed there just two years
Got full of new ideas
And now she’s back home again.

Since Rebecca
Came back from Mecca
All day long she keeps on smoking Turkish tobecca.
With a veil upon her face
She goes dancing round the place
And yesterday her father found her
With a Turkish towel around her.
Oh! Oh! Everyone’s worried so.
They think she’s crazy in the dome.
She’s as bold as Theda Bara
Theda’s bare but Becky’s barer
Since Rebecca came back home.

[ break ]

Once, her little sister Sonia
Wore her clothes– and caught pneumonia!
Since Rebecca came back home.”

[ audience cheers ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Randy Newman performs “Kingfish”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special



Mardi Gras Special

Randy Newman performs “Kingfish”

from the album: Good Old Boys (1974)

…..Randy Newman

[ open on Randy Newman at the Theater of the Performing Arts ]

Randy Newman: This is a song, uh, about Huey P. Long. “Kingfish.”

[ singing ]“There’s a hundred-thousand Frenchmen in New Orleans
In New Orleans, there are Frenchmen everywhere
But your house could fall down
Your baby could drown
Wouldn’t none of those Frenchmen care.

Everybody gather ’round
Loosen up your suspenders
Hunker down on the ground
I’m a cracker
And you are, too
But don’t I take good care of you?

Who built the highway to Baton Rouge?
Who put up the hospital and built you schools?
Who looks after [shit]-kickers like you?
The Kingfish do.

Who gave a party at the Roosevelt Hotel?
And invited the whole north half of the state down there for free
The people in the city
Had their eyes bugging out
‘Cause everyone of you
Looked just like me.

It’s the Kingfish, the Kingfish
Everybody sing
It’s the Kingfish, the Kingfish
Every man a king.

Who took on the Standard Oil men
And whipped their tail
Just like he promised he’d do?
Ain’t no Standard Oil men gonna run this state
Gonna be run by little folks like me and you.

It’s the Kingfish, the Kingfish
Friend of the working man
It’s the Kingfish, the Kingfish
The Kingfish gonna save this land.”

[ audience applauds ]

Randy Newman: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank y’all, very much!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Randy Newman performs “Sail Away”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special



Mardi Gras Special

Randy Newman performs “Sail Away”

from the album: Good Old Boys (1974)

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
…..Randy Newman

Buck Henry: Well, Jane, I don’t think we can keep it a secret any longer. Do you want to tell them?

Jane Curtin: I guess not, Buck. [ chickens out ] Here is a song from Randy Newman!

[ dissolve to Randy Newman at the Theater of the Performing Arts ]

Randy Newman: [ singing ]“In America, you’ll get food to eat
Won’t have to run through the jungle
And scuff up your feet
You’ll just sing about Jesus and drink wine all day
It’s great to be an American.

Ain’t no lions or tigers, ain’t no mamba snake
Just the sweet watermelon and the buckwheat cake
Ev’rybody is as happy as a man can be
Climb aboard little wog, sail away with me.

Sail away, sail away
We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay
Sail away, sail away
We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay.

In America, every man is free
To take care of his home and his family
You’ll be as happy as a monkey in a monkey tree
You’re all gonna be an American.

Sail away, sail away
We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay
Sail away, sail away
We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay.”

[ audience applauds ]

Randy Newman: Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Mussolini Reenactment



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special





Mardi Gras Special

Mussolini Reenactment

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
Ricky Mussolini…..John Belushi

[ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Baba and Helen.

Buck Henry: You know, every year around Mardi Gras time, hundreds of traditional events take place. The most spectacular to me are the lavish masquerade recreations of famous happenings in New Orleans’ history. The men of the Krewe of Vastoth [?] annually restage the 300-mile crossing of the bayou by pirate Jean Lafitte in 1810. That’s one that the folks really enjoy. The combined Krewes of [?] and Apollo always serve their commemorative gumbo brunch for 20,000 people on a festival barge in the middle of Lake Pontchartrain.

Jane Curtin: I’ve never been to one, Buck, but I hear that’s quite a party.

Buck Henry: And I am personally intrigued by one of the more recent Carnival events, and that is the yearly Masquerade Re-Creation of Italian dictator Benito Mussolini’s state visit to New Orleans in 1940. Let’s go now to the French Quarter, where the Krewe of [?] is re-creating that colorful and historic event.

[ dissolve to a close-up shot of a crowd of revelers chanting, zoom out to reveal the magnitude of this crowd ]

Buck Henry V/O: This, of course —

[ cut to exteriro shot of a French Quarter building, the balcony draped with an Italian flag ]

Buck Henry V/O: This, of course, has been done each year since 1966, to commemorate il Dulce’s formal address to the waters of the Mississippi delta.

[ the crowd cheers with excitement, as John Belushi, dressed as Benito Mussolini, steps onto the balcony and looks down proudly ] [ outstretches his arms and addresses the crowd in thick Italian, only the word “party” coming through audibly, which is enough to cause the drunken crowd below to erupt into ecstatic applause ] [ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Buck Henry: The part of Benito is being portrayed by his 27-year old grandson, Ricky Mussolini. He looks like he’s having fun out there tonight. Ricky Musso — Ricky Mussolini, playing his grandfather, here at the Mardi Gras. Incidentally, Ricky is a successful pick-up truck salesman in [ with a Cajun accent ] Bat-on Rouge.

[ extended silence, as Buck and Jane look to the camera with uncertainty. The Bacchus parade has still not arrived at this location. A lone voice shouts in the background, as Jane taps her earpiece. ]

Jane Curtin: Uh – something that you might find interesting: the origin of the parade. One-hundred years ago, thousands of people began to line both sides of Canal Street, for no particular reason. After years of going away disappointed, the city put a parade in the middle!

[ the eager crowd laughs and applauds ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Stella!



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special




Mardi Gras Special

Stella!

Stanley Kowalski…..John Belushi
Black Man…..Garrett Morris
Stella…..Laraine Newman

[ open on exterior, city street at night. Pan across to reveal a torn-shirted Stanley Kowalski stepping off of a streetcar line and staggering toward a row of apartments while clutching a can of beer. ]

Stanley Kowalski: [ glances upward ] Stellllllllaaaaa!!! Stelllllllllll-aaaaaaaaaaa!!!

[ a light turns on in a second-floor window ]

Stanley Kowalski: STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

[ Black Man steps out on second-floor balcony from window ]

Black Man: Hey, uh – listen, pal – there’s no Stella here.

Stanley Kowalski: STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Black Man: Hey! Look, uh, I-I’m trying to tell you, baby – there’s no Stella here, uh —

Stanley Kowalski: I know Stella’s there! [ falls to his knees ] STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! This is my HOUSE! I know Stella’s up there! STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Black Man: Look – look – look — you – you want Desire and Elysian Fields, right? Huh?

Stanley Kowalski: [ stands ] Right.. yeah.

Black Man: Well, this is Desire and Royal. You’re two blocks too far south, baby.

Stanley Kowalski: [ comprehends this information, shakes his head ] Oh — [ smacks his forehead ] Ohhh, wowwwww! Oh! [ shakes his head ] Hey, I’m really sorry, I-I —

Black Man: Hey, that’s okay, that’s okay —

Stanley Kowalski: I was a little juiced up tonight, and I-I thought this was my house and —

Black Man: I-it’s okay.

Stanley Kowalski: Wow! Wow! [ walks off, mumbling incoherently to himself ] [ a lightly-dressed white woman steps onto the second-floor balcony to join the black man ]

Stella: Who was that, honey?

Black Man: Stanley.

Stella: Oh, I should have known! come on back to bed, huh? [ wraps her arms around him ]

Black Man: Okay, Stella!

[ they re-enter the apartment. Audience cheers. ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Tomorrow



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special






Mardi Gras Special

Tomorrow

Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Honker…..Bill Murray
Velocity…..Cindy Williams

[ open on title card: “Tomorrow” ] [ dissolve to Tom Snyder standing in front of a strip club on Bourbon Street. Various signs advertise “Men & Girls”, “Topless & Bottomless Table Top Dancing”, and Peep Show.” Tom is speaking indistinctly with a bouncer named Honker before he notices the camera ]

Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody! Tonight, we’re doing the “Tomorrow” show from Mardi Gras, on Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. I must tell you at the outset of this program that if you’re offended by the discussion of explicit sexual phenomena.. then change the channel and watch a movie, alright? Becuase, tonight, we’re looking into the bizarre world of – well, I might as well just say it – topless and bottomless bars! [ chuckles ] Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [ looks toward the bouncer ] Uh – uh, sir, can we have a word with you, please? Uh – sir, what is your name?

Honker: Uh – the Honker. Everybody calls me Honker out here.

Tom Snyder: Alright, Mr. Honker, uh – I take it that, uh, your job is to attract people into coming into this establishment. Am I correct, sir?

Honker: Well, I, uh, personally, have nothing covered, but if you’re the kind of person who likes boobs ‘n bras, uh, then ya’ gotta check this OUT! We have the most beautiful girls in town, and continuous entertainment – but with NO cover, and drinks are only a dollar, of course.

Tom Snyder: Well, that sounds.. just terrific.

Honker: At this time, Mr. Snyder, The Pink Lady is proud to present you with — [ a dancer steps out with a hurricane glass, as the crowd of revelers cheer ] — a complimentary hurricane made up of four different kinds of rum, with a delicious fruit-flavored punch.

Tom Snyder: Thank you very much. Uh – young lady, what is your name?

Velocity: Velocity.

Tom Snyder: Alright, Velocity, I’m gonna ask you a question, but I – I’m gonna make it short because I — [ noticing her cleavage ] don’t want to make you get cold! Ha ha ha ha! Now, you’re, uh, you’re one of the topless and bottomless performers here at The Pink Lady, is that correct?

Velocity: Yes, that is correct.

Tom Snyder: How many hours a day do you work?

Velocity: Seven.

Tom Snyder: And how much of that time are you actually dancing?

Velocity: Oh.. fifteen minutes to an hour.

Tom Snyder: Soooo.. well.. how – so, that’s how many hours per week, then?

Velocity: Oh, I would say.. nine-and-a-quarter hours a week.

Tom Snyder: Alright. And how long have you been employed by The Pink Lady?

Velocity: Eighteen months.

Tom Snyder: So, that’s about.. uh.. how many total dancing hours?

Velocity: [ does the math in her head ] Six-hundred and twenty.

Tom Snyder: Okay. You log six-hundred and twenty hours. Do you yourself ever become sexually aroused while you’re dancing?

Velocity: Constantly.

Tom Snyder: Okay. Say I watch your act, and I come up to you after the act and ask you for sexual favors in exchange for money. Would you be amenable to such an exchange.

Velocity: No, no, definitely no, no, no, no.

Tom Snyder: Well, prostitution is illegal – we’re on national TV. I don’t suppose you’d admit to it even if you did do it.

Velocity: Then, why did you ask me?

Tom Snyder: Well, I.. thought maybe you’d say yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

Velocity: Well, the answer’s no, Mr. Snyder. I’m an artist – like yourself. [ Tom nods ] Do you prostitute yourself?

Tom Snyder: [ quickly, in a panic ] Well, thank you very much for talking with us, Velocity! There you have it. You can’t go into a topless-bottomless bar on Bourbon Street in Louisiana and buy a girl – not here, anyway. [ Velocity exits inside the club, as Honker reappears ] Uh – well, I guess it’s time to go on inside The Pink Lady here and find out just what goes on inside these clubs! Now, our cameras can’t go in, so I’m jut ging to go on inside, I’ll give you an eyewitness report. Mr. Honker, would you hold my microphone, please?

Honker: Certainly, Tom.

[ Honker takes the microphone, as Tom enters inside the club ]

Honker: [ speaking into the microphone ] Okay, uh – okay, check it out, come on in, everybody! Uh – big celebrity, Tom Snyder, is inside right now watching the dancers onstage! Check it out – continuous entertainment! [ to a pair of passersby ] Tom snyder, the “Tomorrow” show, is INSIDE the club right now! Go ahead in, it’s a terrific show! Believe me, these girls have a lot upstairs! You know, it’s funny – peole say, “They’re just for physique.” No! They got a LOT of intelligence! A LOT of them go to school —

[ Tom returns from inside the club and takes his microphone back ]

Tom Snyder: Thank you. Well, I must say, Mr. Honker – I’m sorry to say this, but – well – quite frankly, I’d call your establishment a RIPOFF! I went in there expecting topless and bottomless – frankly, I saw G-STRINGS and I saw PASTIES!! Now – how do you account for this false advertising?

Honker: Well, now, you’re talking about COMPLETELYtopless and COMPLETELY bottomless! Uh, the only place you’re gonna see that, uh, is out in California! I’ll tell ya’, though – I worked a place out in Salt Lake City, they made the girls there wear one-piece bathing suits, they only served three to a beer – the place was still PACKED! Frankly, I think that people might want to leave a little to the imagination, you know? You know what I mean?

Tom Snyder: Haha! I’ll tell you, when we were coming out of KNBC in California, everyo nce in a while, some of the guys and I would go down to Tijuana, some of the crew and – well, one of them – some of the guys in the crew – especially Bobby Brown – remembered this one young lady, and, well, I might say that – well, you don’t know what muscle cotnrol is until you see this girl’s act! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Well, of course, that’s Tijuana, and they’re having a lot of problems down in that town. Mr. Honker, thank you for talking with us. [ to the camera ] We’ve been at The Pink Lady in Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. [ Honker begins bouncing around behind tom and making faces for the camera ] Uh – tomorrow on the “Tomorrow” show, my guest is going to be the Human Fly – he’s the guy who climbed twenty-eight floors, up to my office in the RCA Building in New York City, and said, “Let me on the show.” He was on the outside of the building, how could I turn him down? We also have Alexander Cobanisky [?] – he’ll be with us. And good night, everybody!

[ camera pulls back, then zooms down on some garbage in the street and the title card slide appears over the garbage ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts