SNL Transcripts: Eric Idle: 10/02/76: Dragnet

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff


Joe Friday…..Dan Aykroyd
Saturday Morning…..Eric Idle
Driver…..Gilda Radner
Harvey Goldblatt…..Garrett Morris
Wife…..Laraine Newman
Husband…..John Belushi

[ open on “Dragnet” police badge logo ]

Joe Friday V/O: This is the city — Los Angeles, near California. The story you are about to see is true. Only the facts have been changed to protect the writers.

[ dissolve to interior, apartment ]

Joe Friday V/O: It was a perfectly ordinary Sunday. My name’s Friday. My partner’s name is Saturday Morning. We only worked weekends.

[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning enter the apartment, dressed in women’s clothing. They immediately tackle various pieces of laundry hanging on a clothesline or lying on ironing boards. ]

Joe Friday V/O: We were engaged in routine police business: washing up, ironing, and sewing. The time: 3:15. The place: Headquarters. The hairstyles: by Mr. Ray, of Vidal Sassoon.

[ the telephone rings. They stop to observe. ]

Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang.

[ the telephone rings again ]

Joe Friday V/O: It was Lucille Ball.

[ Saturday Morning gives a confused look to the camera ]

Joe Friday V/O: We didn’t answer.

[ the phone stops ringing, so they resume their laundry duties ] [ the phone rings again ]

Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang again. This time, it was motorcycle officer Harvey Goldblatt.

[ Saturday Morning answers the phone ]

Joe Friday: Hello. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Okay, we’ll be right there.

[ Saturday Morning hangs up ] [ the two officers start to run out of Headquarters, then stop to retrieve their purses before exiting in a proper ladylike strut ] [ cut to pre-filmed footage, as the two officers exit their building ]

Saturday Morning: Hey, Sarge — where are we goin’?

Joe Friday: Shut up, and listen to the Voiceover.

Saturday Morning: 10-3!

Joe Friday: 10-4.

Saturday Morning: Sorry.

Joe Friday: Right.

[ they continue down the outside steps, where a Female Driver waits with a squad car ]

Joe Friday V/O: The time: 3:25. The place: the street. The handbags: by Gucci.

[ cut to the squad car barrelling down the street ]

Joe Friday V/O: we screeched to a halt.

[ the squad car brakes suddenly, as the sound of a voice screaming creates the impression of a screech ] [ the two officers climb out of the squad car and stand on the sidewalk ]

Joe Friday: [ pointing ] Look — there’s Officer Goldblatt.

[ they run over ] [ cut to Officer Goldblatt, who sits on a motorcycle while dressed in a wedding gown ]

Joe Friday: What’s up, Harvey?

Harvey Goldblatt: A man upstairs, impersonating a police officer.

Joe Friday: Why didn’t you move in their yourself?

Harvey Goldblatt: I’ve got a snag in my pantyhose!

Joe Friday: Right. Okay, we’ll take care of it. Let’s go!

[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning frantically run to the foot of the house behind them ] [ cut to live footage, interior apartment, as Woman stands near the door ] [ Joe Friday pounds on the other side of the door ]

Joe Friday: Open up!! Open up!! Police!! Open up!!

[ she opens the door ]

Saturday Morning: [ holds up his purse ] We’re police officers!

Joe Friday: [ holds up his purse ] Police officers, ma’am.

Wife: How do I know you are?

Joe Friday: We’re plainclothesmen.

Saturday Morning: What do you mean, plain? I’ve paid $85 for this frock! You call this a plain frock?

Joe Friday: I mean “plain cothes” — a term for “undercover”.

Saturday Morning: Oh. Don’t you like this frock?

Joe Friday: I love it. [ turns to the Woman ] Ma’am? Your husband home?

Saturday Morning: Uhhh — uhhh — NO! No, uh — no. He’s not here, uh — he went OUT! I’m not married!

Husband: Honey? Who is it?

[ a Man enters the front room, dressed similarly to Saturday Morning ]

Joe Friday: You’re under arrest for impersonating a police officer! Let’s go!

Saturday Morning: I’m wearing the same frock…

Joe Friday: Let’s go!

Saturday Morning: Yeah, okay, okay, okay…

Joe Friday: Let’s go!

Husband: Alright…

Saturday Morning: Come on!

John Belushi: [ breaking character ] Eric! [ shoves Eric Idle aside ] Dan! Look, it’s NOT gonna work, alright? Drag just does not work in America. It’s a different type of humor, I feel uncomfortable in this dress.

Eric Idle: You could try a different frock!

John Belushi: It has nothing to do with it. I mean — I mean, over there, drag’s acceptable. It’s, uh — it’s everyday office wear. I mean — but here it is just… not… funny! It doesn’t work, there’s no, uhhh — you know, I’m not overreacting over any homosexual thing, you know — so don’t — don’t — don’t try to pull that thing on me, you know? But it’s NOT funny! Yuo understand? DRAG is NOT funny in America!

Eric Idle: Well, let’s cut it here!

Dan Aykroyd: Okay, fine!

[ Belushi ambles off ]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, I, uh — I can — I can see his point-of-view. You know, I think it’s just two different theories of humor and that, and, uh — my Jack Webb is the worst anyway, so, you know.

Eric Idle: That’s true.

Dan Aykroyd: Uhhh — what do — what do you want to do, then? Sorry.

Eric Idle: Do you, uh — do you want to come back to my dressing room, and discuss it?

Dan Aykroyd: Sure. Yeah.

[ they start to exit the set ]

John Belushi: Dan?

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah?

John Belushi: Remember: if you do it once

Dan Aykroyd: I’ll stay hungry! [?] [ Eric and Dan exit the set ]

Laraine Newman: [ supportively ] Oh, John, I think you look very pretty.

John Belushi: I look pretty? Well, I look good in everything. I just wear clothes well…

Laraine Newman: Well, that’s great —

John Belushi: Some people can, some people can’t…

Laraine Newman: Well, uh —

John Belushi: I look good in everything!

Laraine Newman: Look — [ suggestively ] What are we gonna do now, you know?

John Belushi: Uh — why don’t we show some movie, I guess.

Laraine Newman: Okay, let’s go there.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eric Idle: 10/02/76: Drag Racing Today

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Drag Racing Today

…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Eric Idle

[ open on stock footage of crowds swarming the stands at a race track ] [ SUPER: “Drag Racing Today” ] [ Dan Aykroyd and Eric Idle, dressed in drag, approach the starting line and take their stances ] [ the starting pistol fires ] [ Dan and Eric run down the track in their high heels, until, at race’s end, Dan is first to cross the finish line ] [ a reporter holds a microphone to Dan’s face ]

Dan Aykroyd: I, uh — feel it’s still not working.

Eric Idle: Of course it’s working! They’re laughing!

Dan Aykroyd: How do you know they’re laughing? We’re on film.

Eric Idle: [ stunned by this information ] Oh, that’s right. Well, let’s listen.

[ they press their ears closer to the screen ]

Eric Idle: I don’t hear them laughing.

Dan Aykroyd: No.

Eric Idle: [ dejected ] Shall we go?

Dan Aykroyd: I guess so.

[ they turn from the camera and walk away, dropping their feather boas to the ground in shame ] [ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on a man with SUPER: “Doomed” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts