Erica Viedonagen: Hello, I’m Erica Viedonagen, head of anthrocomedology at Rutledge University. There’s scarcely anyone who hasn’t looked at the stars and wondered if some other form of Comedian existed in another corner of the universe. Since there are billions of solar system capable of supporting comedy, there are probably Comedians more advanced than ourselves, capable of traversing the vast distances of space. How long does it takr a joke to travel through space? Of course, that depends on how subtle it is. But, if Comedians from outer space did visit our planet, were any clues left behind. Looking at the history of comedy, there are many seemingly inexplicable mysteries. Such as this Assyrian clay tablet, one of the earliest records.. [ holds up tablet ] ..made by man, which says, as nearly as we can guess, “Take wife.”
[ Music: eerie, dramatic ]
Assyria is here in the fertile crescent. [ points to map ] Now, let’s look at a certain mountain plateau in Peru. If you climb the 4,000 feet of the Andes to Machapulco, and traverse this plateau, you observe remnants of ancient, seemingly haphazard excavations. But if viewed from the air, suddenly, its startling purpose is revealed.
[ show “Take My Wife, Please” carved in mountaintop ]
[ Music: dramatic sting ]
“Take My Wife, Please” is clearly dug into the landscape for the purpose of making someone in a flying vehicle laugh. But the most awesome evidence exits on a lonely island 3,000 miles off the coast of Chile, Passover Island. [ points to map ] The 2,000 native inhabitants still practice an ancient ritual before a huge pair of limestone cufflinks.
[ show giant cufflinks on landscape ]
[ Music: sting ]
Each cufflink is over 30 feet high and weighs 800 tons. [ holds tape recorder ] The ceremonial garb of the natives is made from reeds and bears a striking resemblance to tuxedos. Listen to this tape recording I made myself of one such ceremony. [ turns on tape recorder ]
[ sound effects loop of the Carson audience going “Ay-oh!” ]
Voice On Tape: “Take wife, please.”
Erica Viedonagen: Is it coincedence that the same joke occurred to men who never knew that the other civilization even existed, or was the joke passed on by Coemdians in spaceships capable of traveling these great distances? But why should Comedians travel across the galaxy? Perhaps to get to the other side. If they should return, maybe we can learn soem new jokes from them.
[ Music: symphonic climax ]
[ SUPER: “Cufflinks Of The Gods” ]
[ fade ]
Joe Friday V/O: This is the city — Los Angeles, near California. The story you are about to see is true. Only the facts have been changed to protect the writers.
[ dissolve to interior, apartment ]
Joe Friday V/O: It was a perfectly ordinary Sunday. My name’s Friday. My partner’s name is Saturday Morning. We only worked weekends.
[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning enter the apartment, dressed in women’s clothing. They immediately tackle various pieces of laundry hanging on a clothesline or lying on ironing boards. ]
Joe Friday V/O: We were engaged in routine police business: washing up, ironing, and sewing. The time: 3:15. The place: Headquarters. The hairstyles: by Mr. Ray, of Vidal Sassoon.
[ the telephone rings. They stop to observe. ]
Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang.
[ the telephone rings again ]
Joe Friday V/O: It was Lucille Ball.
[ Saturday Morning gives a confused look to the camera ]
Joe Friday V/O: We didn’t answer.
[ the phone stops ringing, so they resume their laundry duties ]
[ the phone rings again ]
Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang again. This time, it was motorcycle officer Harvey Goldblatt.
[ Saturday Morning answers the phone ]
Joe Friday: Hello. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Okay, we’ll be right there.
[ Saturday Morning hangs up ]
[ the two officers start to run out of Headquarters, then stop to retrieve their purses before exiting in a proper ladylike strut ]
[ cut to pre-filmed footage, as the two officers exit their building ]
Saturday Morning: Hey, Sarge — where are we goin’?
Joe Friday: Shut up, and listen to the Voiceover.
Saturday Morning: 10-3!
Joe Friday: 10-4.
Saturday Morning: Sorry.
Joe Friday: Right.
[ they continue down the outside steps, where a Female Driver waits with a squad car ]
Joe Friday V/O: The time: 3:25. The place: the street. The handbags: by Gucci.
[ cut to the squad car barrelling down the street ]
Joe Friday V/O: we screeched to a halt.
[ the squad car brakes suddenly, as the sound of a voice screaming creates the impression of a screech ]
[ the two officers climb out of the squad car and stand on the sidewalk ]
Joe Friday: [ pointing ] Look — there’s Officer Goldblatt.
[ they run over ]
[ cut to Officer Goldblatt, who sits on a motorcycle while dressed in a wedding gown ]
Joe Friday: What’s up, Harvey?
Harvey Goldblatt: A man upstairs, impersonating a police officer.
Joe Friday: Why didn’t you move in their yourself?
Harvey Goldblatt: I’ve got a snag in my pantyhose!
Joe Friday: Right. Okay, we’ll take care of it. Let’s go!
[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning frantically run to the foot of the house behind them ]
[ cut to live footage, interior apartment, as Woman stands near the door ]
[ Joe Friday pounds on the other side of the door ]
Joe Friday: Open up!! Open up!! Police!! Open up!!
[ she opens the door ]
Saturday Morning: [ holds up his purse ] We’re police officers!
Joe Friday: [ holds up his purse ] Police officers, ma’am.
Wife: How do I know you are?
Joe Friday: We’re plainclothesmen.
Saturday Morning: What do you mean, plain? I’ve paid $85 for this frock! You call this a plain frock?
Joe Friday: I mean “plain cothes” — a term for “undercover”.
Saturday Morning: Oh. Don’t you like this frock?
Joe Friday: I love it. [ turns to the Woman ] Ma’am? Your husband home?
Saturday Morning: Uhhh — uhhh — NO! No, uh — no. He’s not here, uh — he went OUT! I’m not married!
Husband: Honey? Who is it?
[ a Man enters the front room, dressed similarly to Saturday Morning ]
Joe Friday: You’re under arrest for impersonating a police officer! Let’s go!
Saturday Morning: I’m wearing the same frock…
Joe Friday: Let’s go!
Saturday Morning: Yeah, okay, okay, okay…
Joe Friday: Let’s go!
Saturday Morning: Come on!
John Belushi: [ breaking character ] Eric! [ shoves Eric Idle aside ] Dan! Look, it’s NOT gonna work, alright? Drag just does not work in America. It’s a different type of humor, I feel uncomfortable in this dress.
Eric Idle: You could try a different frock!
John Belushi: It has nothing to do with it. I mean — I mean, over there, drag’s acceptable. It’s, uh — it’s everyday office wear. I mean — but here it is just… not… funny! It doesn’t work, there’s no, uhhh — you know, I’m not overreacting over any homosexual thing, you know — so don’t — don’t — don’t try to pull that thing on me, you know? But it’s NOT funny! Yuo understand? DRAG is NOT funny in America!
Eric Idle: Well, let’s cut it here!
Dan Aykroyd: Okay, fine!
[ Belushi ambles off ]
Dan Aykroyd: Uh, I, uh — I can — I can see his point-of-view. You know, I think it’s just two different theories of humor and that, and, uh — my Jack Webb is the worst anyway, so, you know.
Eric Idle: That’s true.
Dan Aykroyd: Uhhh — what do — what do you want to do, then? Sorry.
Eric Idle: Do you, uh — do you want to come back to my dressing room, and discuss it?
Dan Aykroyd: Sure. Yeah.
[ they start to exit the set ]
John Belushi: Dan?
Dan Aykroyd: Yeah?
John Belushi: Remember: if you do it once —
Dan Aykroyd: I’ll stay hungry! [?]
[ Eric and Dan exit the set ]
Laraine Newman: [ supportively ] Oh, John, I think you look very pretty.
John Belushi: I look pretty? Well, I look good in everything. I just wear clothes well…
Laraine Newman: Well, that’s great —
John Belushi: Some people can, some people can’t…
Laraine Newman: Well, uh —
John Belushi: I look good in everything!
Laraine Newman: Look — [ suggestively ] What are we gonna do now, you know?
John Belushi: Uh — why don’t we show some movie, I guess.
[ open on stock footage of crowds swarming the stands at a race track ]
[ SUPER: “Drag Racing Today” ]
[ Dan Aykroyd and Eric Idle, dressed in drag, approach the starting line and take their stances ]
[ the starting pistol fires ]
[ Dan and Eric run down the track in their high heels, until, at race’s end, Dan is first to cross the finish line ]
[ a reporter holds a microphone to Dan’s face ]
Dan Aykroyd: I, uh — feel it’s still not working.
Eric Idle: Of course it’s working! They’re laughing!
Dan Aykroyd: How do you know they’re laughing? We’re on film.
Eric Idle: [ stunned by this information ] Oh, that’s right. Well, let’s listen.
[ they press their ears closer to the screen ]
Eric Idle: I don’t hear them laughing.
Dan Aykroyd: No.
Eric Idle: [ dejected ] Shall we go?
Dan Aykroyd: I guess so.
[ they turn from the camera and walk away, dropping their feather boas to the ground in shame ]
[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on a man with SUPER: “Doomed” ]
[ fade ]
Doctor…..Eric Idle Mr. Stolwry…..Dan Aykroyd Mrs. Stolwry…..Gilda Radner
[ Eric Idle enters the Genetics sketch set and sits down ]
Doctor: Now then, Mr. and Mrs. Stolwry, you’re in your second month of pregnancy, and you’re prepared to select your child’s physical characteristics.
Mr. Stolwry: That’s right. Let’s get on with it.
Doctor: Alright, Mrs. Stolwry, we’ve put your scrapings through a high-speed cell sorter, and we’re ready to choose what sort of a baby you want. Now, you want your baby to be.. a baby?
Mr. Stolwry: ..Yes.
Doctor: Good, that’s a start. Now, what sex? Male or female?
Mr. Stolwry: Um.. male.
Doctor: Male. Good. Skin pigment – dark or fair?
Mrs. Stolwry: Um.. fair.
Doctor: Fair. Hair color: blonde or black?
Mrs. Stolwry: Blonde.
Doctor: Blonde. Good. General stature: tall and thin or short and stocky?
Mr. Stolwry: Short and stocky.
Doctor: Excellent. Alright, general texture – fur or quilted?
Mr. Stolwry: Fur or quilted?
Doctor: Yes, you don’t want the little nipper bouncing out into the world in the raw, when you can use all of genetic science to have him born in his own little fur or quilted bag.
Mr. Stolwry: What do you think, dear?
Mrs. Stolwry: Let’s take the quilted.
Doctor: Very good, excellent, excellent! Now, general attribute, you want him to be artistic or a welder?
Mr. Stolwry: A welder.
Doctor: Good, good, good. Uh.. mouth – tongue or dipstick.
Mrs. Stolwry: What?
Doctor: Tongue or dipstick. You know, a tongue is very, very fat, and a disptick is very, very much thinner, and will enable your baby to suck flies out of soda bottles.
Mrs. Stolwry: Well.. um.. tongue, please.
Doctor: Tongue? Good, good, good. Feet or pods?
Mr. Stolwry: Pods?
Doctor: Pods. Pods, you know. It increases the baby’s motor skills.
Mr. Stolwry: Pods.
Doctor: Pods, good. What about his head? You want it pressed in flat like a Pekenese puppy, or would you like it fully curled like a shrimp? If you have the shrimp-head, he’ll be able to get the welder’s job much easier.
Mrs. Stolwry: No! No, I don’t want a baby with a shrimp-head!
Mr. Stolwry: What is this about shrimp-heads, Doctor? Frankly, this is not what we expected at all.
Doctor: Right, then! [ angry ] I do the best I can for you, the bloody best, to set up your sniveling, snotty-nosed kid you want, and all I get in return for fifteen years of poring research into the bloody boring composition of the bloody damn DNA molceule, is a pair of pathetic twits, who, when confronted with bloody stats start a pathetic wiffle-waffle. Right now, Mr. and Mrs. Stolwry, you have a perfect, beautiful walking specimen of a stocky, blond-haired, blue-eyed, fair-skinned, quilted, male shrimp-head welder, with pods! Now, what more do you bloody want?! Frankly, it makes me sick! Why don’t you go have your child naturally?
Mr. Stolwry: I’m sorry, Doctor. Its just we don’t understand your methods.
Mrs. Stolwry: Yes. We’ll try to be more understanding.
Doctor: Alright. Let’s give it another try. Alright, here we go. Hatchback or portal windows?
Mr. Stolwry: Hatchback.
Mrs. Stolwry: Hatchback.
[ zoom out ]
[ SUPER: “Coming Up: Pearls Before Swine Flu” ]
[ fade ]
[ open on Disc Jockey sitting in radio booth between two turntables, one each on AM and FM side of booth ]
Announcer: Good morning. Now radio station KLOG commences its programming day. KLOG is a division of BoardCo Communications. The policy of KLOG and KLOG-FM is to give you, the listener, the best in both AM and FM entertainment. We wish you a good morning and a nice day.
Jingle: “Coming or going or just in the race. Stay with KLOG ’cause Casey’s on the case.”
Disc Jockey: [ on the AM station ] Hey, good morning! It’s Kid Casey Wake-Up Time! Driving to work or school, having breakfast, or just doing some crazy morning things around the house, Casey’s on the case! I’m Kid Casey! I’ll be here ’til noon with a few words, a little music, and of course the Pasternak Air Hammer Giveaway Day contest later on! Here’s a tune to get you moving and grooving on this sunny Friday morning. An old one from Tony Orlando & Dawn, “Candida”! Some gold!
[ switches to the FM station ]
Ohhhkayyy.. yeah. That was the Moody Blues for our morning. Morning, as always the first awakening, I’m Kenneth Wardell on KLOG-FM, mellowing out your morning with some really good sound. We have music – I’m a little high right now – and I’m looking forward to an interview with Peter Kris, the drummer from Kiss. He’s gonna tell us how he chose the cat make-up. Here’s something newwww from Aerosmith.
[ switches to the AM station ]
Yeah! “Candida”! Hey, Mom, here’s the word about Wally Winky Wonderloaf, the nutritious whitemilk bread. The people at Wally Winky Bakeries put loving care and pride into every loaf they bake. Every Wally Winky Wonderloaf is made from white refined milk flour and milk flour substitute to give your growing family the important nutrition they need! So get your youngsters Wally Winky Wonderloaf today! And let’s watch out now for that “Devil Woman”!
[ switches to the FM station ]
Yeaaahhhh.. Aerosmith on KLOG-FM. You know, many nutritionists and doctors agree that bread made with white refined milk flour and milk powder substitute is no good for us. Most agree that whole wheat is an excellent source of protein. That’s why the people at Earth Source Graineries use only whole grain and unmmilk wheat in their headbread. Headbread, for a pure source of nutrition and nourishment. Nowww.. Led Zeppelin, “Stairway”..
[ switches to the AM station ]
Yeah, alright! Don’t let that “Devil Woman” get you! You know, Ring Audio has everything you need in stereo components, CB radios, aerials, car radios, tape decks, turntables, amplifiers, speakers and CDs! All name brands at great prices! That’s Ring Audio, 880 Storm Blvd, ask for Gary, tell ’em Crazy Kid Casey sent you! And, if you dig disco, you’re realy gonna dig the “Fifth”! It’s moving up there on the KLOG hit mix survey!
[ switches to the FM station ]
Yeahhhh.. do your big speakers keep getting you evicted? Then why not visit Stairway to Headphones? Stairway To Headphones deals only in quality headphones, and motorcycle and football helmets, all wired for sound. Stairway to Headphones, 880 Storm Blvd, ask for Gary, tell him Kenneth Wardell, KLOG-FM sent you. Here’sss Black Sabbath.
[ switches to the AM station ]
Okay! Alright! Hey, the KLOG traffic copter reports traffic’s badly tied up on Route 9, a lot of cars are backed up there! Take the passoff instead. Hey, the student council at Rose Cage High School in Summit asked me to say a few words about their Art Fair! The kids are having an Art Fair there, it’s in the gym! Thursday night from 8PM, and the kids have really worked hard on the art, and they’d sure appreciate a little support. The money’s for Rose Cage High and Summit, there’s gonna be a lot of good art there! And here’s something to take us up to news time with Bernie Phillips – “The Antler Dance”, taking us to KLOG News with Bernie Phillips!
[ switches to the FM station ]
Yeahhhh.. Black Sabbath. I guess all you folks who got out to the Dead concert last night at Wildcat Stadium kinda know where my head’s at today. But, hey, you know, I heard the City Council might cancel all rock concerts because of damage done to the astroturf. If you have to smoke cigarettes, put them in your beer can or carry an ashtray. If you smoke anything else, smoke it, then eat it. It won’t kill you, but cigarettes will. It’s a shame this kind of thing is still going on. I guess some of us didn’t learn anything from the 60’s. Hey, we’re coming up to news time right now with Bernie Phillips, let’s find out. I’m gonna take a little break and find out what’s happening in the news with Bernie Phillips at the KLOG News Center.
Announcer: And now, KLOG News with Bernie Phillips.
Disc Jockey: [ grabs both AM and FM microphones ] I’m Bernie Phillips, and this is the KLOG News. Precautionary measures continue to be taken against the swine flu threat!
[ open on Pong video screen, as Al Franken and Tom Davis speak from offscreen ]
Al Franken: Aw, nuts! It always seems like I fall behind at the beginning, and then I never catch up.
Tom Davis: Yeah, I know.
Al Franken: Well, there’s one, right through a hole.
Tom Davis: Hey, how’d you do on that Math Psy. quickie quiz today?
Al Franken: Oh, I passed.. I got a D-. How’d you do?
Tom Davis: I aced it.
Al Franken: You know, it always seems like you never study, and then you always get an A. How you do that?
Tom Davis: Well, you just tell the teacher what you know, not what you don’t know.
Al Franken: Well.. what do you mean? I don’t understand..
Tom Davis: Well, for example, on that barometer question, you remember, you’re given a barometer and you have to determine the height of a tall building?
Al Franken: Yeah.. I left that one blank. I forgot what a barometer is.
Tom Davis: Oh, well, that’s for measuring barometric pressure. So, to get the answer to that question, you get the barometric pressure then you go to the bottom of the building, and you take the difference between the two barometric pressures and you plug it into a formula.
Al Franken: [ pause ] Oh, yeah..
Tom Davis: Well, I forgot what the formula was, but I didn’t want Professor Heimitz to know, so I gave him several other solutions I figured out.
Al Franken: Oh, yeah?
Tom Davis: Yeah. I said, take the barometer up on top of the building, drop it off of the building, time how long it takes before it gets to the ground, and then plug it into that formula we learned in high school for falling bodies? You know, Distance = 16 x the time in seconds square? Remember all that?
Al Franken: [ pause ] Yeah..
Tom Davis: Or, I said, on a sunny day you can set up the barometer, measure the shadow of the building, and set up a ratio. You know how to get the answer there.
Al Franken: [ pause ] Yeah.
Tom Davis: Or, get this – get the circumference of the barometer, wrap string around it, then drop it off the top of the building, count how many revolutions the barometer makes before it hits the ground, then take the number of revolutions and multiply it times the circumference.
Al Franken: [ pause ] The.. the circumference?
Tom Davis: Right. Or, get this, this is the last one – I said, go in the basement, find the superintendent and offer to exchange the barometer for the information. How’s that? I got full credit on that question.
Al Franken: Well.. you should have.. you knew all the answers. [ as he loses at Pong ] Nuts!