“Every time you buy pot from Mexico, or Colombia… you’re putting an American out of work. We of the American Dope Growers Union support ourselves by growing marijuana in American soil. We’ve had a pretty hard time on our own. But with the union, we can live decent lives and stay off welfare. That’s MY union, and that’s what our union label stands for.
“Soooo look for the Union label, when you are buying that joint, lid, or pound.
Remember somewhere, our Union’s growing…dope you’ll be smoking…at the best price around.
You know we work hard, but who’s complaining? When we at ADG stay high and earn our way.
So always look for, the Union label, it says we deal for the U.S. of A.”
Mrs. Loopner…..Jane Curtin Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner Todd…..Bill Murray Mr. DiLaBounta…..Buck Henry
[ open on Lisa Loopner playing “Heart and Soul” on the piano, as Mrs. Loopner enters ]
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Lisa, you look so lovely.
Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mom.
Mrs. Loopner: Now, before Todd gets here to take you to the Prom, I thought we’d take a moment to have a little heart-to-heart. You know, just mother to daughter.
Lisa Loopner: Okee-dokee.
[ they sit on the couch ]
Mrs. Loopner: Lisa, you’ve blossomed into quite a beauty. You know, sometimes when we go to the Shop-Rite, I see the checkers staring at you..
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom, that’s just your imagination!
Mrs. Loopner: No, Lisa. You’re not a little girl anymore, and you have to be aware of the effect you have on the male of the species. Now, take Todd, for instance. When that perfectly nice young man sets his eyes on you in that get-up, his hormones are gonna go berserk.
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mo-o-o-om, I don’t like Todd in that way!
Mrs. Loopner: Well, you don’t have to like someone to love them, Lisa. Your father.. the late Mr. Loopner..
Together: God rest his soul..
Mrs. Loopner: ..your father and I never liked each other. But our love triumphed over our mutual dislike – I did my wifely duty, and you’re the living proof of that!
Lisa Loopner: Mom, you don’t have to worry about me going all the way with Todd. I’m saving myself for my one true love – Marvin Hamlisch.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, he’s cute. Now, listen, what I’m about to say is very hard for me to say. Lisa, dear.. making a baby is like.. it’s um.. it’s like making egg salad. You, the woman, produce the eggs, and the man furnishes the mayonnaisse – of course, you don’t need chopped celery for.. oh, I’ve just given you my egg salad recipe, and I was saving that for your 21st birthday..
Lisa Loopner: Mom, I know the facts of life! You know, I got an A in Health! [ doorbell rings ] Oh! It’s him!
Mrs. Loopner: [ checks her watch ] Well, half an hour early – on the button. That’s our Todd!
Lisa Loopner: Mom! Don’t let him in until I get upstairs!
Mrs. Loopner: Okay.
[ Lisa runs upstairs, as Mrs. Loopner answers the door to let Todd and Mr. DilaMuca inside ]
Todd: Heh-lo, Mrs. Loop-ner. You’ve met my chauffeur – Marshall “Dad” DiLaBounta.
Mrs. Loopner: Hello, Marshall!
Mr. DiLaBounta: Always a pleasure, Enid!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, don’t we look handsome, Todd!
Todd: Thank you, Mrs. Loop-ner.
Mr. DiLaBounta: [ striking a disco pose ] John Travolta, watch out! [ laughs ] [ the three of them sit ]
Mr. DiLaBounta: So. Where’s the Belle of the Ball?
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, she’s upstairs making herself beautiful!
[ Lisa enters ]
Mr. DiLaBounta: Va-va-va-boom!
Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Di-La-Bounta!
Todd: Well, since we seem to be handing out compliments.. that’s a stunning housecoat you’re wearing, Mrs. Loopner.
Mrs. Loopner: Why, thank you, Todd!
Mr. DiLaBounta: It’s not hard to see where Lisa gets her good looks!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, flattery will get you everywhere, but don’t let my daughter here you say that! Can I get anyone a beverage? Marshall, would you come out and help me?
Mr. DiLaBounta: Oh, sure.. let’s us old fogies leave the young folks alone!
[ they both laugh as they retreat to the kitchen. Todd and Lisa sit on the couch. ]
Todd: Well.. you look nice, I guess..
Lisa Loopner: So do you.
Todd: Here. I got you this. [ hands her a box ]
Lisa Loopner: Oh, thanks, Todd. [ opens box ] Oh, this is really beautiful, Todd!
Todd: It’s a wrist corsage. You put it on your wrist. And this is your graduation gift from me. [ hands her a small package ]
Lisa Loopner: Really? [ opens gift, sending springy snakes shooting out – she screams ]
Todd: Aaagghhh!! Noogie Patrol! [ pulls Lisa over and pounds noogies into her head ] Here’s those special Prom Noogies that you ordered! You sent away for those, didn’t you?
Lisa Loopner: Quit it, Pizza Face! You’re messing up my hair! Boy, are you ever immature!
Todd: Say, uh, are they any new developments? [ peeks down her blouse ] No, I guess not! Say, you oughtta really put some band-aids on those mosquito bites you got there!
Lisa Loopner: That’s so funny, I forgot to laugh!
[ Mr. DiLaBounta and Mrs. Loopner re-enter with some glasses of Tang ]
Lisa Loopner: You know, Marshall, as a single parent, I’ve had to be both a mother and father to Lisa.
Todd: You’ve done a terrific job, Mrs. Loopner.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, thank you, Todd!
Mr. DiLaBounta: Uh, Enid.. I hope this isn’t indelicate, but.. [ picks his nose ] ..how did Mr. Loopner pass away?
Mrs. Loopner: Oh.. he was born without a spine. It was always just a matter of time.
Mr. DiLaBounta: What did he do for a living?
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, didn’t you know? He invented the Slinky.
Lisa Loopner: Yeah.. unfortunately, he didn’t call it the Slinky, and he didn’t patent it. But he sued the Slinky people for $5 million.. and lost.
[ they laugh ]
Todd: Good Tang!
Mr. DiLaBounta: Prom Night! Prom Night! I envy you kids. I know I’ll never forget my Senior Prom. The theme was “From Here To Fraternity”. [ laughs ]
Todd: Ours is “Close Encounters of the Prom Kind.”
Mr. DiLaBounta: Oh, hey, kids, how about a picture? [ takes out his camera ] As Todd knows, I’m something of a shutterbug.
[ Todd and Lisa stand up for the picture, Todd holding bunny ears behind Lisa’s head as the picture is snapped ]
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, I saw that, Todd! 40 lashes with a wet noodle! [ laughs, checks watch ] Oh, I don’t want my little girl to turn into a pumpkin even before she’s gotten to the ball.
Mr. DiLaBounta: That’s why I’m here! Have car, will travel!
Todd: To the Prom, to the Prom, Prom, Prom!
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom.. gee, I wish you’d come with us.
Mr. DiLaBounta: Sure! Come on with us!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh.. well, I would love to sneak a peek at those Prom decorations you kids worked so hard on.. [ takes out two hairwraps ] Well, I know it’s not raining, Lisa, but better safe than sorry.. [ Lisa takes one and puts it on ]
Lisa Loopner: Okay, let’s go! [ singing ] “Staying alive! Staying alive!” I want to sit in the front seat!
Todd: No, you’re sitting in the back!
[ Mrs. Loopner turns off the houselights, then closes the front door and heads for the car ] [ pull out to audience wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Joy Of Debauchery” ] [ fade ]