“Every time you buy pot from Mexico, or Colombia… you’re putting an American out of work. We of the American Dope Growers Union support ourselves by growing marijuana in American soil. We’ve had a pretty hard time on our own. But with the union, we can live decent lives and stay off welfare. That’s MY union, and that’s what our union label stands for.
“Soooo look for the Union label, when you are buying that joint, lid, or pound.
Remember somewhere, our Union’s growing…dope you’ll be smoking…at the best price around.
You know we work hard, but who’s complaining? When we at ADG stay high and earn our way.
So always look for, the Union label, it says we deal for the U.S. of A.”
Mrs. Loopner…..Jane Curtin Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner Todd…..Bill Murray Mr. DiLaBounta…..Buck Henry
[ open on Lisa Loopner playing “Heart and Soul” on the piano, as Mrs. Loopner enters ]
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Lisa, you look so lovely.
Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mom.
Mrs. Loopner: Now, before Todd gets here to take you to the Prom, I thought we’d take a moment to have a little heart-to-heart. You know, just mother to daughter.
Lisa Loopner: Okee-dokee.
[ they sit on the couch ]
Mrs. Loopner: Lisa, you’ve blossomed into quite a beauty. You know, sometimes when we go to the Shop-Rite, I see the checkers staring at you..
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom, that’s just your imagination!
Mrs. Loopner: No, Lisa. You’re not a little girl anymore, and you have to be aware of the effect you have on the male of the species. Now, take Todd, for instance. When that perfectly nice young man sets his eyes on you in that get-up, his hormones are gonna go berserk.
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mo-o-o-om, I don’t like Todd in that way!
Mrs. Loopner: Well, you don’t have to like someone to love them, Lisa. Your father.. the late Mr. Loopner..
Together: God rest his soul..
Mrs. Loopner: ..your father and I never liked each other. But our love triumphed over our mutual dislike – I did my wifely duty, and you’re the living proof of that!
Lisa Loopner: Mom, you don’t have to worry about me going all the way with Todd. I’m saving myself for my one true love – Marvin Hamlisch.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, he’s cute. Now, listen, what I’m about to say is very hard for me to say. Lisa, dear.. making a baby is like.. it’s um.. it’s like making egg salad. You, the woman, produce the eggs, and the man furnishes the mayonnaisse – of course, you don’t need chopped celery for.. oh, I’ve just given you my egg salad recipe, and I was saving that for your 21st birthday..
Lisa Loopner: Mom, I know the facts of life! You know, I got an A in Health! [ doorbell rings ] Oh! It’s him!
Mrs. Loopner: [ checks her watch ] Well, half an hour early – on the button. That’s our Todd!
Lisa Loopner: Mom! Don’t let him in until I get upstairs!
Mrs. Loopner: Okay.
[ Lisa runs upstairs, as Mrs. Loopner answers the door to let Todd and Mr. DilaMuca inside ]
Todd: Heh-lo, Mrs. Loop-ner. You’ve met my chauffeur – Marshall “Dad” DiLaBounta.
Mrs. Loopner: Hello, Marshall!
Mr. DiLaBounta: Always a pleasure, Enid!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, don’t we look handsome, Todd!
Todd: Thank you, Mrs. Loop-ner.
Mr. DiLaBounta: [ striking a disco pose ] John Travolta, watch out! [ laughs ] [ the three of them sit ]
Mr. DiLaBounta: So. Where’s the Belle of the Ball?
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, she’s upstairs making herself beautiful!
[ Lisa enters ]
Mr. DiLaBounta: Va-va-va-boom!
Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Di-La-Bounta!
Todd: Well, since we seem to be handing out compliments.. that’s a stunning housecoat you’re wearing, Mrs. Loopner.
Mrs. Loopner: Why, thank you, Todd!
Mr. DiLaBounta: It’s not hard to see where Lisa gets her good looks!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, flattery will get you everywhere, but don’t let my daughter here you say that! Can I get anyone a beverage? Marshall, would you come out and help me?
Mr. DiLaBounta: Oh, sure.. let’s us old fogies leave the young folks alone!
[ they both laugh as they retreat to the kitchen. Todd and Lisa sit on the couch. ]
Todd: Well.. you look nice, I guess..
Lisa Loopner: So do you.
Todd: Here. I got you this. [ hands her a box ]
Lisa Loopner: Oh, thanks, Todd. [ opens box ] Oh, this is really beautiful, Todd!
Todd: It’s a wrist corsage. You put it on your wrist. And this is your graduation gift from me. [ hands her a small package ]
Lisa Loopner: Really? [ opens gift, sending springy snakes shooting out – she screams ]
Todd: Aaagghhh!! Noogie Patrol! [ pulls Lisa over and pounds noogies into her head ] Here’s those special Prom Noogies that you ordered! You sent away for those, didn’t you?
Lisa Loopner: Quit it, Pizza Face! You’re messing up my hair! Boy, are you ever immature!
Todd: Say, uh, are they any new developments? [ peeks down her blouse ] No, I guess not! Say, you oughtta really put some band-aids on those mosquito bites you got there!
Lisa Loopner: That’s so funny, I forgot to laugh!
[ Mr. DiLaBounta and Mrs. Loopner re-enter with some glasses of Tang ]
Lisa Loopner: You know, Marshall, as a single parent, I’ve had to be both a mother and father to Lisa.
Todd: You’ve done a terrific job, Mrs. Loopner.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, thank you, Todd!
Mr. DiLaBounta: Uh, Enid.. I hope this isn’t indelicate, but.. [ picks his nose ] ..how did Mr. Loopner pass away?
Mrs. Loopner: Oh.. he was born without a spine. It was always just a matter of time.
Mr. DiLaBounta: What did he do for a living?
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, didn’t you know? He invented the Slinky.
Lisa Loopner: Yeah.. unfortunately, he didn’t call it the Slinky, and he didn’t patent it. But he sued the Slinky people for $5 million.. and lost.
[ they laugh ]
Todd: Good Tang!
Mr. DiLaBounta: Prom Night! Prom Night! I envy you kids. I know I’ll never forget my Senior Prom. The theme was “From Here To Fraternity”. [ laughs ]
Todd: Ours is “Close Encounters of the Prom Kind.”
Mr. DiLaBounta: Oh, hey, kids, how about a picture? [ takes out his camera ] As Todd knows, I’m something of a shutterbug.
[ Todd and Lisa stand up for the picture, Todd holding bunny ears behind Lisa’s head as the picture is snapped ]
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, I saw that, Todd! 40 lashes with a wet noodle! [ laughs, checks watch ] Oh, I don’t want my little girl to turn into a pumpkin even before she’s gotten to the ball.
Mr. DiLaBounta: That’s why I’m here! Have car, will travel!
Todd: To the Prom, to the Prom, Prom, Prom!
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom.. gee, I wish you’d come with us.
Mr. DiLaBounta: Sure! Come on with us!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh.. well, I would love to sneak a peek at those Prom decorations you kids worked so hard on.. [ takes out two hairwraps ] Well, I know it’s not raining, Lisa, but better safe than sorry.. [ Lisa takes one and puts it on ]
Lisa Loopner: Okay, let’s go! [ singing ] “Staying alive! Staying alive!” I want to sit in the front seat!
Todd: No, you’re sitting in the back!
[ Mrs. Loopner turns off the houselights, then closes the front door and heads for the car ] [ pull out to audience wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Joy Of Debauchery” ] [ fade ]
Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd Gerard Wagner…..Garrett Morris Ron Quinn…..Brian Doyle Murray
[ Former President Richard Nixon addresses an audience ]
Richard Nixon: Good evening. Some of you know me – some of you may not. Anyway, from the years 1969 to 1974, I was President of the United States. Now, when I was President, I did some bad things.. that made people hate me. I left that executive office under scandalous circumstances, and went on to write a big book about it. But everybody hates me so much, they’re not buying the book. In fact, in Washington now, they have a lobby.. [ pulls out anti-Nixon T-shirt ] ..”Don’t Buy Books by Crooks”. Well.. when I lost the race for Governor of California in 1962, I recall the saying, “You won’t have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore!” Well, that phrase caught on, and people seemed to like it. As things turned out, you don’thave Dick Nixon to kick around anymore. But now, you have my book! So, if you hate me, buy the book and kick it around! Yet, you don’t have to read it, although I originally wrote it to be read. Just buy it – give it a boot! Really! If you’re mad at me, kick the book around the house for an hour or two! Why, Pat’s already on her fourth copy! Now, here’s the book.. [ holds it up ] ..”RN”. That doesn’t stand for “Registered Nurse”! [ laughs ] $19.95. And that’s something they slipped by me – I thought the President would only get $12 or $14, but I got the first copy and there it was – $19.95. $19.95! The publisher sleazed it right by me. Anyway, buy the book. Now, think about how hard you’d kick me if we ever met, and just put the boots to ’em.
[ stands up ] Let me make this even more clear.. I’ve asked two members of my San Clemente, United States Marine Corp. Honor Guard to assist me. Chorusman Gerard Wagner.. [ points to Gerard ] ..Chorusman Ron Quinn.. [ points at Ron, then walks in front of the desk ] Do you think I’m a crook? Take it out on the book! [ kneels, placing book on tip of his extended foot ] Chorusmen! [ whistle blows ] Place kick, please! [ Gerard kicks the book into the audience ]
Sandy … Laraine Newman George … Dan Aykroyd Nico … Bill Murray Pete Dionasopolis … John Belushi Female Customer … Gilda Radner Male Customer … Garrett Morris Fussy Eater … Jane Curtin Al … Buck Henry Extra … Tom Schiller
[Burger patties sizzle on a grill. George, the cook,flips them with his spatula. We hear the sound ofplates clattering. Pull back to reveal The OlympiaRestaurant, a busy diner run by a Greek family. Sandy,the waitress, leans over the counter.]
Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Three chip!Three Pepsi!
Nico: Three chip! Three Pepsi!
[The blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete Dionasopolis,approaches one of his regular customers who sits atthe counter.]
Pete: Okay, what are you gonna have, honey?
Female Customer: I think I’ll have the usual, Pete.
Pete: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!
Pete: [yells to Nico] Chip!
[Seated next to the female customer is a man reading anewspaper. He holds up his coffee cup.]
Male Customer: [to Pete] Hey, can I have a refill onthis coffee?
Male Customer: Hey, man, I can’t have a refill ofcoffee, man?
Pete: Too late!
Female Customer: [helpfully, to the male customer] Uh,you should have asked for the refill while you werestill eating the cheeseburger. They don’t give refillswhen you’re done eating.
Male Customer: [annoyed, to Pete] Okay, I’ll pay forthe second cup of coffee.
Pete: No, go. Come on, I gotta have turnover! Come on,let’s go!
Male Customer: [off his newspaper] Hey, man, I justwanna read the article–
Pete: [yells] You wanna read, you go to library! Youwanna read? Get out of here!
Male Customer: [pays check] Okay! Okay!
Pete: Beat it! Come on!
[Male customer exits in a huff and Pete rings up thesale on his cash register as Sandy, the waitress,approaches the counter.]
Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Two chip! TwoPepsi!
Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!
Pete: [to a fussy eater seated at the counter] Okay,what are you gonna have?
Fussy Eater: Um, I’ll have a fried egg sandwich.
Pete: Uh, no egg. Cheeseburger.
Fussy Eater: How do you cook your cheeseburgers?
Fussy Eater: No, I mean, in what manner are theycooked?
Pete: They are cooked good. What do you mean?
Sandy: [interrupts] Uh, Pete. That lamb in thebasement is loose again.
Pete: [annoyed] Aaahhhhh!
[Pete abruptly walks off, grabs a large hatchet offthe wall and, waving it ominously, exits the scenewith Sandy. Nico, the counterman who barelyunderstands a word of English, brings a Pepsi to anextra seated at the counter.]
Fussy Eater: [to Nico] Excuse me, do you just haveburgers here? [Nico doesn’t understand what she’ssaying but nods and smiles anyhow] Well, do you thinkI could get one broiled? [Nico keeps nodding andsmiling] I could? Aw, good. ‘Cause I just read anarticle that said that meat cooked on a grill causescancer. Did you read that?
Fussy Eater: Yeah, cheeseburgers, too. It’s cookingthe meat too close to the flame that causes it.
Pete: [returns without the hatchet and shoos Nicoaway] Ah, come on, come on, let’s go, get out of here.[to fussy eater] What you gonna have?
Fussy Eater: Uh, I’ll have a broiled hamburger.
Pete: No hamburger. Cheeseburger.
Fussy Eater: Could I get it broiled?
Pete: [humors her] You want it broiled? Okay. Sure, wegive you broiled. All right?
Fussy Eater: Okay, I’ll have a broiled hamburger, well done.
Pete: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!
[Al, a bespectacled man in a green uniform, enters thediner and sits at counter. Pete joins him.]
Al: Hello? Hey! How are ya? I’m Al fromRent-a-Doberman.
Al: [distinctly] I’m from Lease-a-Doberman.
Pete: Ah! Eh?
Al: The guard dog company. Somebody here called, saidthey wanted to, uh, rent a guard dog.
Pete: How much?
Al: Well, it’s like I tried to tell ya on the phone,it depends on the type of dog you want, how many hoursper night you want him for. [looks around] I shouldthink a place like this, uh, would need only one dog.What time do you, uh – What time do you close?
Pete: Eleven o’clock.
Al: What time do you open?
Al: Hm. Well, we could drop a dog off at eleven, pickhim up at a quarter to five. But just remember, nobodycan come in here between those hours without gettinghis arm bit off.
Pete: All right. How much?
Al: Just a minute, I’ll figure it out. [takes pencilfrom behind ear and starts jotting numbers on a pad]
Pete: All right.
Female Customer: [concerned] Hey, uh, Pete, doesn’t,uh, Nico here sleep in the back? [points to Nico whohears his name mentioned and wonders what’s going on]
Al: [interrupts] Uh oh oh oh, wait a minute, wait aminute. Nobody’s gonna be able to sleep around nohungry Dobie. [laughs] We don’t feed ’em much, keeps’em perky. [goes back to figuring on his pad]
Pete: [considers this] All right. [explains to thefemale customer] Somebody broke in next door. I needprotection, you know?
Sandy: [also concerned] But, Pete, what about Nico?
Pete: Who’s afraid of him? I need protection. Dogs.
Sandy: [offended] You mean when the dog comes, you’regoing to fire Nico?
Pete: No. [decisively] Now!
Sandy: [disbelief] Oh! Who’s going to tell him he’s fired?
Pete: You. You tell him.
Sandy: No, not me. [raises a hand in protest and walks off]
Pete: [approaches his cook] Hey, George. Why don’t youtell him he’s fired?
George: No, no. Not me, Pete. Not me, Pete. [turnsback to the grill]
Pete: All right, all right. I’ll tell him. [to aconfused Nico] You fired! Goodbye! [tears the apronoff Nico and pushes him to the front door of thediner] Goodbye! Goodbye. [opens door and pushes Nicoout] You fired. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye.
[Pete shuts the door on Nico, then turns to Al who hasignored all this. Al quietly chews gum and makes noteson his pad. In the background, Nico’s forlorn faceappears outside the diner window watching Pete and Al talk:]
Pete: How much?
Al: Fifty-five dollars a week.
Al: No, no. Fifty-five is the lowest I can charge you.We’d be making a special pick-up at that time of themorning. I–
Pete: [gestures to Nico and opens the door for him tocome back in] Come on.
[Confused, Nico enters the diner and Pete gives himback his apron.]
Al: Well, maybe there IS something I can do.
Pete: [abruptly takes the apron back from Nico andpushes him out the door again] All right, go. Out!
[Nico, thoroughly confused, exits willingly andresumes his place outside the diner window, peering inforlornly, as Pete listens to Al’s proposal.]
Al: Now, I got a couple of nine-month-old GermanShepherds I’m having some problems with. I’ll put themboth in here. I’ll only charge you forty-five dollars.
Al: [irritated] There’s no way I can put two dogs inhere for twenty dollars a week. It costs me that muchjust to feed ’em.
Pete: Uhhhh… Twenty-two.
Al: [exasperated] All right, look. I’m sorry.Forty-five is the absolute minimum price. If youchange your mind, here’s my card. [hands Pete abusiness card and exits the diner]
Pete: [with a jerk of his head, calls out] Nico! [Nicoenters hesitantly, unsure of Pete’s intentions] Comeon. Come on! [throws apron to Nico, both men return totheir places behind the counter] All right. [to femalecustomer who nods] Everything all right? [to fussyeater] Huh? You got it?
[Just then, George places a cheeseburger in front of fussy eater.]
Fussy Eater: [indignant, to Pete] Hey, wait. Thischeeseburger wasn’t broiled. I just saw him take itoff the grill.
Pete: [to fussy eater, trying to change the subject]What to drink?
Fussy Eater: [insistent] I ordered a broiledhamburger. This is not a broiled hamburger.
Pete: Okay, okay, what do you want to drink? Come on,come on, come on.
Fussy Eater: I’m afraid if I order a Coke, I’ll get a Pepsi.
Pete: No Coke. Pepsi.
Fussy Eater: [upset] Okay! Pepsi!
Pete: [yells to Nico] Pepsi! [But Nico isn’t payingattention] Pepsiiiiii! [still no response, Pete grabsa menu from the counter and starts whacking Nico withit] Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi!
Nico: [wearily] Pepsi…
Sandy: [yells to George] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Director (“Bri”)…..Bill Murray Tommy…..Tom Schiller Cheryl…..Gilda Radner Gwen…..Jane Curtin Howard…..Buck Henry Roy…..Garrett Morris
[ open on a film set, decorated like a suburban living room. Tommy stands off to one side as the Director enters ]
Director: Tommy? Get me out of here in a hurry, okay? I want to get out to the track! [ to Cheryl ] Okay! Cheryl! Sweetheart! Let’s have you here! [ Cheryl steps up ] Okay, Kitten — in this scene, you’re the spoiled little girl, okay? Every time you get a new toy, you either break it or throw it away — or get bored with it right away, okay?
Director: Okay. And you’re the same way with your little puppy, alright? You wanted it, you promised to take care of it, but then it was too much work, okay?
Cheryl: How old am I supposed to be?
Director: Uh, ten years old, okay?
Cheryl: I’m TWELVE?
Director: Okay… [ he squooshes her face ] but do you think you could play a spoiled little ten year old?!
Cheryl: [ muffled ] I think so…!
Director: Good! Isn’t she a little pill, everybody? Great! [ he releases her face ] Okay! Now, Gwen, please, may I have you? [ Gwen steps up ] In this scene, you’re the permissive mother, okay? You let your daughter get away with EVERYTHING, alright?
Gwen: Oh! Sounds like my own home! [ she laughs ]
Director: [ mock-laughing ] Terrific, honey. Howard, where are you?
Howard: Yes, yes, yes! [ he runs up ]
Director: Come here you, my psychotic father of this scene! Alright! Okay. You’re psychotic…
Howard: Yes, yes!
Director: You hate your wife…
Director: The only reason the marriage is still together is because of the little one.
Director: And you hate her.
Director: Because she’s spoiled.
Director: So who do you take it out on? The defenseless little puppy.
Howard: Gotcha, right!
Director: I knew you would! [ he rubs Howard’s head ] Come on! Right! Okay, let’s bring in…?
Roy: [ carrying puppy ] Roy.
Director: Roy! Alright, good to meet ya’, fellow! [ he rubs Roy’s head ] Okay, terrific! How is Sparky today? [ to Sparky ] Hey, fella! [ he composes himself ] Now, Roy… in this scene, I want Sparky to play the helpless, unloved puppy. No one’s taking care of him, no one’s training him…
Director: He’s confused, he’s nervous. So… he takes a doo doo on the rug. Can Sparky do that?
Roy: He sure can! Now, you heard the man, Sparky! When I do this… [ he holds up two fingers ] You make doo doo on the rug, okay?
Director: Ahhh, thatta boy! Thanks, Roy, you’re amazing! OKay, places, everybody, please! Tommy, come in here and do me a favor! [ Tommy enters with clapper ] Will you roll ’em for me? [ he steps aside ] Slate it, Tommy!
Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 3, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]
Director: Alright, settle in! [ the domestic scene focuses ] And… ACTION!
[ the little girl plays with the puppy on the floor, as her parents sit behind her on the sofa ]
Howard: Marilyn? I thought I told you NOT to bring the dog into the living room?!
Cheryl: Ohhh, please?
Howard: No! I don’t want it on the new carpet! Now, take it out!
Gwen: Ohhhh, let her keep it in here, it’ll be okay.
[ offstage, Roy holds up two fingers, as Sparky whines and takes a doo doo ]
Cheryl: Uh-oh! Dad! Look what the dog did!
Howard: [ irked ] Okay, Marilyn! YOU clean it up!
Cheryl: I don’t wanna!
Howard: Now, listen! You PROMISED me that you would take care of that stupid dog! Now you CLEAN IT UP!!
Gwen: She’s only ten years old! You CAN’T expect her to clean it up!
Howard: Alright, then — YOU clean it up! The dog was YOUR idea!
Gwen: I can’t! I vomit!
Howard: [ he throws his newspaper down ] Okay, I suppose I’LL have to clean up after it again! THIS IS IT!! I’m getting RID of this damn dog!!
Cheryl: Well, I don’t care!! ‘Cause I don’t WANT it any more, anyway! [ she storms out of the room ]
Gwen: Now you’ve upset her! Marilyn, honey![ she runs after her daughter ]
Howard: [ picking up the dog ] This is just unbelievable! I don’t know WHAT to do! [ the dog doo doos in his hands ] What?! You stupid MUTT! You’re doing it again! No! No! I said stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!! [ he raises the dog over his head and freezes ]
[ Roy rushes forward and retrieves the puppy from Howard’s hands ]
Director: Okay, bring in the stunt puppy!
[ Roy rushes the puppy to safety ]
Director: Okay, that was very sweet. Very tasty, Howard.
Director: Thank you. Appreciate it. [ as Roy returns with the stunt puppy ] What have we got here? Perfect match! Must be from the same littler.
Roy: Yeah! This, uh — this is, uh, Tippy!
Director: [ to Tippy ] Heyyyy, Tippy! Mr. Tough Guy, huh? How are ya’! [ he grabs the dog’s paw ] Okay, Tipster… Brian, here, is gonna throw you around a little bit. And, when he does, I want you to squeal. Can we hear a squeal?
Roy: Oh, sure!
[ sound effect of a dog squealing over close-up of the puppy ]
Director: Beautiful! Tippy, how are your ears? Are they strong?
Roy: Oh, sure! He’s got strong ears, strong tail — you can do ANYTHING to him!
[ no one is more excited to hear this than Howard ]
Director: Great! Terrific! Okay, places, everybody! Tommy! I’m gonna FINE you a hundred dollars — and everyone on my set — for not noticing my new haircut! [ he gives Tommy a noogie and laughs ] Now, get outta here, all of you! Okay! Would you please do mr a favor, and slate it for me, Tommy?
Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 4, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ] [ scene resumes with Howard kneeling next to the puppy at the couch ]
Director: Start whimpering, Tippy! [ the puppy begins to whimper ] And ACTION!!
Howard: CUT IT OUT, CUT IT OUT!! [ he grabs the puppy’s leash and yanks him in a circle around the living room ] I said STOP IT!! [ he kicks the puppy across the room and lets it ricchochet back from the leash ] I said STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!! [ he begins to throw the puppy at the furniture, never letting go of the leash ] STOP IT!! [ with one final twirl of the leash, he throws the puppy hrough the front window, shattering the glass ]
Director: [ toward the window ] Heyyyyy! How’s Tippy back there? Can we get somebody to go check on Tippy?
[ Roy passes behind the set and holds the puppy up ]
Roy: He’s alright!
Director: Ahhhh, that’s a pal, huh? Come here, big guy! [ he scoops the puppy into his arms ] Oh, that was terrific, fella! Hey — I want to work with you again! That’s a promise! That’s a wrap, everybody! Let’s get some sleep. Eight o’clock tomorrow, for the cockfight.
Mr. Dantley: [ enters shop ] Hello? Excuse me, could you give me a hand, please? I need some help.
Announcer: And now, another episode of..
[ SUPER: “Samurai TV Repairman” ]
Announcer: ..”Samurai TV Repairman”.
Mr. Dantley: Boy, am I glad I found a shop that was open this late.
Samurai: [ grunts ]
Mr. Dantley: Yes, I know. I’ve gotta have this set fixed. Tonight. So I can watch the Play-Offs tomorrow.
Samurai: [ mimes basketball action ]
Mr. Dantley: That’s right. I’ve got $100 riding on the Bullets. The way I see it, if Unsel can control the boards, and Hays is hitting from the outside.. You see what I mean.
Mr. Dantley: Anyway, look at this thing. I’ve got no sound, and I’ve got no picture.
Samurai: [ plays with tubes ]
Mr. Dantley: Well, what is it?
Samurai: [ opens up TV from the back and points ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah.. just, what, does it need a tube? [ Samurai grunts ] I-I mean, a transistor. I just don’t understand it, it’s.. it’s a relatively new set. See, here’s the Inspector’s tag. Uh.. it doesn’t do me much good to know that the Inspector’s number is, uh.. 68.. because the factory’s all the way in Japan.
Samurai: [ panic grows on face ]
Mr. Dantley: 68? I’d like to get my hands on #68.
Samurai: My Momma-son!!
Mr. Dantley: What?
Samurai: My Momma-son!!
Mr. Dantley: Inspector 68 is your mother?
Samurai: My Momma-son!!
Mr. Dantley: I don’t know what’s the matter with-
Samurai: [ takes out small dagger and prepares to stab himself in the chest ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, well, wait a minute.. wait a minute.. [ turns tag upside-down ] It’s 89. my mistake.
Samurai: [ relieved, puts dagger away ]
Mr. Dantley: Anyway.. the point is, I’ve really gotta have it fixed by tomorrow, because.. I’ve got everything ready for tomorrow. You know what I mean? I ordered a pizza.. I have some beer in the refrigerator.. my girl is coming over, so..
Samurai: [ slides dagger in and out of holder strpaped around his waist ]
Mr. Dantley: Exactly my point! Anyway.. you mind if I ask you what kind of training you’ve had for this business? I mean, did you go to school for this sort of thing?
Samurai: [ indicates diploma on wall ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah. Famous TV Repairman’s School of West Port, Connecticut. Black-and-white only. Black-and-white only? Hey, listen, uh.. this is a color set. If you went to that school, what do you know about fixing a color set?
Samurai: [ points to his eyes ]
Mr. Dantley: Your eyes are brown..
Samurai: [ points to skin ]
Mr. Dantley: Your skin is yellow..
Samurai: [ points to kimono ]
Mr. Dantley: Your kimono is blue..
Mr. Dantley: Ah. Well, that’s great. I know what color you are, but what about my set? I’ll tell you – I noticed that sometimes, when I sort of hit the side, the picture will come up.
Samurai: [ taps TV with his fist ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah, a little rap on the side. Just a little.. tap on the side, that’s all.
Samurai: [ screams, throws TV to the floor, then hacks it with a slice from his sword ]
Mr. Dantley: [ alarmed ] Hey, what are you doing to my set?! What kind of way is that to fix it?!
Samurai: [ picks up TV from floor, which now makes a sound, accompanied by scrambled test pattern ]
Mr. Dantley: That’s fantastic! You’ve restored the sound.. but what about the picture? [ Samurai grunts ] Yes. Exactly. Yeah.
Samurai: [ sticks two small Samurai swords through the back of TV, then jiggles until a clear picture appears ]
Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of..
[ SUPER: “Samurai TV Repairman” ]
Announcer: ..”Samurai TV Repairman”.
[ cut to close-up of audience member, “Has Fantasies Rated G” superimposed in front of her ]
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce…..Dan Aykroyd Mayor Abanasher…..Buck Henry Ashmore…..John Belushi Noab…..Bill Murray Sodomite #1…..Garrett Morris Fellow Sodomites…..Andy Murphy, Mitchell Laurance Song and Dance Girls…..Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner
[ open on close-up of Sodom Chamber of Commerce banner, with SUPER: “Sodom, 2003 B.C.” ] [ pull back to reveal Chamber members talking amongst themselves ]
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: [ banging gavel ] Alright, settle down, gentlemen! Well, as the Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce, it’s always a pleasure to welcome our Mayor. You all know him — he’s a friend, a neighbor, and a great Sodomite. Gentlmen, please welcome Abanasher.
[ the Chamber members applaud as the Mayor rises ]
Mayor Abanasher: Gentlemen, thank you. I’d like to talk to you today about a problem that I consider the most serious problem facing our city. I’ve just returned from a trip that took me all around the Plain of Jordan. I regret to inform that Sodom… has a TERRIBLE reputation. [ the Chamber reacts ] I’m afraid it’s true, gemtlemen. When people of the empire think of Sodom, what’s the first thing that comes to their minds? Sodomy. [ the Chamber members nod ] Sodomy, sodomy, sodomy!
Ashmore: Well, what’s wrong with that? I mean, sodomy is what put us on the map!
[ the Chamber members agree ]
Mayor Abanasher: That’s fine for you to say, Ashmore, because you’re a pharmacist. The point is: I’m the Mayor of this city, and I’m faced with a financial crisis, and every time I go to the government for loans, they say to me, “Why should we give aid to a city so debaucehd and so vile?”
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Vile? What’s vile about sodomy?
Mayor Abanasher: You have no argument from me on that! All I’m saying is that we ought to be concerned about the kind of image we project to out-of-towners. You know, there’s a lot of Samarians and Azarians who are spending their zuzan in Gomorrah. That’s why I’ve invited a guest here tonight — Noab the Hissite. Now, Noah created the campaign to turn Gomorrah around. He’s got some really great ideas, so please hear him out. Gentlemen, I give you… Noab!
[ the Chamber members applaud Noab, as he rises ]
Noab: Thanks, Abanasher! Gentlemen. You know, I was looking over your official city brochure. Now… what kind of city slogan is this: [ reading ] “You have to be crazy to live in Sodom — crazy about sodomy!” Now… if you’re going to attract investment, if you expect to have your bid for the Olympics taken seriously, you’re gonna have to play down the sodomy!
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: “Play down”? Come on! What do you think brings the conventions in here? A guy lookimh for a place he can gamble, practice gluttony, worship a flase idol or two… and have a little sodomy! He automatically thinks of Sodom!
Ashmore: He’s got a point there!
Noab: Alright, now look at Gomorrah, okay? Now, they’re every bit as wicked as you people, but it’s just not the main thrust of their publicity. They emphasize more conventional things. I think Sodom should, too.
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Oh, like what?
Noab: Well, like the park. Like the museums. Like your restaurants. LIke your theater district.
Sodomite #1: Oh, yeah… and the human sacrifice!
Noab: No, no, no… You see, people around the empire, they sort of perceive the human sacrifice, not as a civic attraction, but as another one of the wicked things about Sodom!
Ashmore: We don’t want to look like goodie goodies.
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: No, Ashmore, you needn’t worry about that. Anyone who’s really interested in sodom, they know to come here — word-of-mouth will take care of that. I think that what Noab is saying is that we don’t have to bend over backwards to advertise it.
Noab: Exactly! Exactly! All we want people to know is that they can come to Sodom, check into a hotel, visit a museum or a gallery in the afternoon, have a nice dinner in a fine restaurant in the evening, and then, if they want it, the sodomy is there.
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Gentlemen, Noab tells me that he has conceived a massive publicity campaign for Sodom’s new image.
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Alright, Noab, can you give us a sample?
Noab: Alright, gentlemen. I think this is a concept that you’re going to love. [ calling out ] Kids?
[ three Song and Dance girls come out to perform ]
Song and Dance Girls: [ singing ]“IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm! IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm! IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm!”
[ pull back on wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Do Termites Play House?” ] [ fade ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update”news team. Brought to you by Cruelex, the first men’s grooming aid that promotes jock itch. Here are co-anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd.
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening. I’m Dave Aykroyd. [ cringes ] Jane Curtin: And I’m Jean Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: Aldo Moro is alive. The well-being of the former Italian president was confirmed this week, when his subductress issued this photograph of Moro, holding Wednesday’s paper. And, in a related story, “Weekend Update” has received proof of the well-being of another person feared dead – this photograph of former Teamster boss, Jimmy Hoffa, shown holding today’s Daily News. Questioned as to his whereabouts all this time, Hoffa exclaimed that he had bee a regular on the “Lou Grant” TV series, and attributes his so-called disappearance to “low ratings”.
House and Senate conferees finally reached an agreement yesterday onnational gas pricing, a year and a day after President Carter unveiled his energy program. Energy Secretary James Schlessinger is encouraged, and says the only thing that got him through the last 12 months was watching the phenomenal success of his illegitimate son, comedian Steve Martin.
Believed to have been dead for the last five years, Lyndon Johnson, this week, gave a surprise visit to Jimmy Carter at the White House. Aging and white-haired, but looking remarkably fit, the former President said his death in 1973 was just a hoax. He then flew out to Missouri to visit Harry Truman.
Dan Aykroyd: Uh.. authorities have issued a marijuana alert, because.. uh.. in fact, much of it has been sprayed, under orders of the U.S. Health Department, with the deadly herbacide Paraquet. Uh.. an easy test is now available to find out whether or not marijuana does contain Paraquet. As a public service, we sent correspondent Garrett Morris.. uh.. uptown to.. uh.. see if.. uh.. we could get some dope, so we could show you how to test it. Uh.. you have the stuff?
Garrett Morris: Uh.. yeah..
Dan Aykroyd: Okay.. [ slips Garrett the money as the marijuana is slipped to him ] Here’s some bread.. Now, please, in no way does this mean that we at “Weekend Update” advocate the smoking of arijuana. It’s just that a survey shows that 90% of our viewers smoke it daily. So, it’s for that minority that we’re doing this test.. [ examines the bag of marijuana uncomfortably, turns to Garrett ] This looks really light..
Garrett Morris: No, man, it’s cool.
Dan Aykroyd: It’s light, give me the rest of the lid, man.
Garrett Morris: Look, it’s clean, man.. no seeds, no stems, that’s all.
Dan Aykroyd: It’s light, it’s under, it’s under..
Garrett Morris: Man, I can’t go back up there, man, okay? Those guys scare me.
Dan Aykroyd: I’m sorry, Garrett, but that’s the third you’veshort-changed us. Everybody here’s gonna get really mad..
Garrett Morris: Please, man, don’t make me go back up there. They’re gonna beat me up again, man, I know.. [ inches away from the Update desk ]
Dan Aykroyd: [ to the audience ] We’ll show you that test later. You see, to perform it, you need a complete ounce. Not three-quarters or seven-eighths, but a complete ounce! Sorry to take up your time.
In New Delhi, the Indian Institute of Medicine has developed the world’s first nasal spray contraceptive. Although theoretically effective, doctors won’t be able to know conclusively until they find someone in India who practices nasal intercourse.
Dan Aykroyd: Tonight on “Point/Counterpoint”, Jane and I will argue Federal Aid for Abortions. Jane will take the Point for Federal Aid, and I will take the Counterpoint against. Jane? Jane Curtin: Safe abortions have always been available to the rich, Dan. You simply want to deny them to the poor, and if you succeed, poor woman will be forced to get them anyway. They’ll beforced into the alleys with hangers, plungers and vacuum cleaners, risking death or mutilation. But you’d like that, wouldn’t you, Dan, you sadistic, elitist, sexist, racist, anti-humanist pig!
Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant, misguided slut! Once again, you missed the point entirely. [ enraged ] Why should I pay hard-earned dollars so welfare tarts can have sex anytime they want, without regards to consequences? Haven’t these bimbos heard of abstinence? I, myself, haven’t had sex for two years – and I’m rich! Why should I foot the bill for killing unborn infants, anyway? I’ll pay for something practical like sterilization – but abortions? Never! With one exception – if I had been around when your mother was having you, not only would I have paid for the abortion, but I would have performed it myself!
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: Uh.. recent bulletin. This just in: Garrett Morris is dead. What appears to have been a drug-related incident, eight youths fatally shot the late “Update” correspondent at a mid-town playground. Another Paraquet-related death, Jane.
Jane Curtin: Hoping your news is good news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday NightNews”. Keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.
Buck Henry: Thank you all very much! It is VERY nice to be be back here, and an HONOR to be back here for the LAST show of the Third Season of this EXTRAORDINARY show. [ the audience applauds enthusiastically ] I, uh — I did the last show of last season, and, uh, I sometimes… I suppose you’ve wondered — and I’ve wondered — why I’m back again to do the last show of this season, because, I mean, they have some quite incredible hosts. Last week was Richard Dreyfuss, the winner of an Academy Award; a few weeks before was Steve Martin, perhaps the fastest rising young comic of our time… and I think, when you really come down to it — and I say this, I think, without any false sense of pride or modesty that what it probably is, is that the “Saturday Night Live” accepts the fact that, from me, they gain a sense of — what shall I call it? — class. I mean, after all, I have been, for the last year or so, working on a major motion picture called “Heaven Can Wait”, with some quite extraordinary people. I’ve been with them for a year. Uh — James Mason, Julie Christie, and my good friend and producer of the film and star of the film and co-director of the film… Mr. Warren Beatty, who has become a real pal of mine, a real friend, and a wonderful, wonderful guy to work with. Uh, I mean… we’ve been, we’ve been together now for almost… I guess for a year now. And Julie Christie has been with us, too, and she’s a wonderful girl and I could tell you terrific stories about her, if I had the time. All of us working together, in this kind of enterprise… I think, doing something as BIG as a picture like this gives my career — and the “Saturday Night” show — a sense of working on something, a persoective of something larger than just a weekly television show. I think the way I live, for instance, the way I live in Hollywood, the way I conduct myself both professionally and in my private life, demands a kind dignity to the show that most guests can’t give it. My home in Hollywood, I think, epitomizes, perhaps, what people like myself… what can I say about it? It’s not garish, but it represents a kind of classiness, and a kind of Hollywood success that most people understand and go for, and perhaps envy a little, and this show certainly can use some of it. I think there are fine people here, and they understand exactly what they’re doing when they asked me to come out here and say some things about them and about myself, and about what kind of person I am and that I deserve to be here. I’ve done this a few times, and I think I’m proud of this time because I know how I’m helping them out of a tight spot, being the last show of the year. And I know Lorne, if he were here, would probably say the same thing because, not only is he my buddy, but because he’s got that same sense of show business, and the same feeling for me and for all of you built in.
[ as Buck talks, the following text SCROLLS up the screen: ]
“Buck doesn’t know Warren Beatty. He doesn’t know Julie Christie, either. He seems to know he’s here now, but clearly he doesn’t know why.
You see, Buck’s career is over. It’s been more than ten years since “The Graduate”. Even David Begelman doesn’t return his calls. This is a tough period for him — burnt out and lonely — what his psychiatrist calls “Mid-Life Crisis”.
It’s sad the way things work out in comedy. One day you’re on top of the heap, the next day you’re trying to convince people you know Warren Beatty.
Buck never married. He lives alone in his small Hollywood apartment — just a few magazines and a telescope. You figure it out. Sure, maybe we should have gotten some big star to do the last show. Some say with NBC in third place in the raings war, we can’t afford to be sentimental.But we believe there are some things more important than ratings — like helping a has-been through a difficult period. But then, that’s the kind of people we are.
Well, we’ve helped him through this. Now it’s up to you the audience, to help him through the rest of the show.
And Warren, if you’re watching, you can help, too. If you see Buck somewhere, and you recognize him, just nod or wave. It will mean an awful lot to him. Remember, the wheel turns, and maybe someday, if your world crumbles, you can go over to Buck’s small apartment and use his telescope.” ]
Buck Henry: So… I wanted to thank you for this opportunity to talk to you, and, uh — we’ll be right back!
Richard Dreyfuss’ MonologueSummary: John Belushi forces Richard Dreyfuss to prove he’s a worthy actor by performing “Hamlet” for the audience.
Bio: During the 1970’s, Richard Dreyfuss (1947-) starred in three big-screen blockbusters in a row: “Jaws”, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, and “The Goodbye Girl.” The latter yielded him the Academy Award for Best Actor in 1978, for which, at the time, he was the youngest recipient in the category.
Cone Encounters of the Third KindSummary: Linesman Roy Neary (Richard Dreyfuss) continues to drive himself crazy with the vision of a strange, mountainous image. After much frustration, he sees a TV commercial for Beldar Conehead’s (Dan Aykroyd) driving school, and is immediately draw to the Conehead residence.
Jimmy Buffett performs “Son of a Son of a Sailor”Bio: Involved briefly in smuggling before turning to music, Jimmy Buffett (1946-) describes his songs as “90 percent autobiographical.” Nautical themes in many of his songs can be attributed to his father, who worked as a naval architect and often took young Jimmy along on sailing trips.
Note: Jimmy Buffett performs with his leg in a cast, due to an accident he had prior to appearing on SNL.
Sex TestSummary: Richard Dreyfuss tests viewers’ knowledge of sex-related subjects whiel yielding the floor to experts in the field.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Jane Curtin vows not to let events get the better of her during tonight’s newscast. After reviewing clips from “The Goodbye Girl”, stargazer Bill Murray still doesn’t think Richard Dreyfuss should have won Best Actor. Roseanne Roseannadanna’s (Gilda Radner) UFO commentary quickly sidetracks into a tale of a talking rear end; Jane Curtin finally loses her cool.
The David Susskind ShowSummary: To celebrate Mother’s Day, David Susskind (Bill Murray) interviews male celebrities who still have strong attachments to their mothers.
Recurring Characters: Henry Kissinger, Tom Snyder, Emma Lou Snyder, Leon Spinks.
Gary Tigerman performs “White Oaxacan Moon”
Father Guido SarducciSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) discusses the Pope’s new encyclical, which explains the concept of life as a job and how people will have to pay for their sins out of their life’s salary once they enter Heaven.