“Every time you buy pot from Mexico, or Colombia… you’re putting an American out of work. We of the American Dope Growers Union support ourselves by growing marijuana in American soil. We’ve had a pretty hard time on our own. But with the union, we can live decent lives and stay off welfare. That’s MY union, and that’s what our union label stands for.
“Soooo look for the Union label, when you are buying that joint, lid, or pound.
Remember somewhere, our Union’s growing…dope you’ll be smoking…at the best price around.
You know we work hard, but who’s complaining? When we at ADG stay high and earn our way.
So always look for, the Union label, it says we deal for the U.S. of A.”
Mrs. Loopner…..Jane Curtin Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner Todd…..Bill Murray Mr. DiLaBounta…..Buck Henry
[ open on Lisa Loopner playing “Heart and Soul” on the piano, as Mrs. Loopner enters ]
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Lisa, you look so lovely.
Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mom.
Mrs. Loopner: Now, before Todd gets here to take you to the Prom, I thought we’d take a moment to have a little heart-to-heart. You know, just mother to daughter.
Lisa Loopner: Okee-dokee.
[ they sit on the couch ]
Mrs. Loopner: Lisa, you’ve blossomed into quite a beauty. You know, sometimes when we go to the Shop-Rite, I see the checkers staring at you..
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom, that’s just your imagination!
Mrs. Loopner: No, Lisa. You’re not a little girl anymore, and you have to be aware of the effect you have on the male of the species. Now, take Todd, for instance. When that perfectly nice young man sets his eyes on you in that get-up, his hormones are gonna go berserk.
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mo-o-o-om, I don’t like Todd in that way!
Mrs. Loopner: Well, you don’t have to like someone to love them, Lisa. Your father.. the late Mr. Loopner..
Together: God rest his soul..
Mrs. Loopner: ..your father and I never liked each other. But our love triumphed over our mutual dislike – I did my wifely duty, and you’re the living proof of that!
Lisa Loopner: Mom, you don’t have to worry about me going all the way with Todd. I’m saving myself for my one true love – Marvin Hamlisch.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, he’s cute. Now, listen, what I’m about to say is very hard for me to say. Lisa, dear.. making a baby is like.. it’s um.. it’s like making egg salad. You, the woman, produce the eggs, and the man furnishes the mayonnaisse – of course, you don’t need chopped celery for.. oh, I’ve just given you my egg salad recipe, and I was saving that for your 21st birthday..
Lisa Loopner: Mom, I know the facts of life! You know, I got an A in Health! [ doorbell rings ] Oh! It’s him!
Mrs. Loopner: [ checks her watch ] Well, half an hour early – on the button. That’s our Todd!
Lisa Loopner: Mom! Don’t let him in until I get upstairs!
Mrs. Loopner: Okay.
[ Lisa runs upstairs, as Mrs. Loopner answers the door to let Todd and Mr. DilaMuca inside ]
Todd: Heh-lo, Mrs. Loop-ner. You’ve met my chauffeur – Marshall “Dad” DiLaBounta.
Mrs. Loopner: Hello, Marshall!
Mr. DiLaBounta: Always a pleasure, Enid!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, don’t we look handsome, Todd!
Todd: Thank you, Mrs. Loop-ner.
Mr. DiLaBounta: [ striking a disco pose ] John Travolta, watch out! [ laughs ]
[ the three of them sit ]
Mr. DiLaBounta: So. Where’s the Belle of the Ball?
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, she’s upstairs making herself beautiful!
[ Lisa enters ]
Mr. DiLaBounta: Va-va-va-boom!
Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Di-La-Bounta!
Todd: Well, since we seem to be handing out compliments.. that’s a stunning housecoat you’re wearing, Mrs. Loopner.
Mrs. Loopner: Why, thank you, Todd!
Mr. DiLaBounta: It’s not hard to see where Lisa gets her good looks!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, flattery will get you everywhere, but don’t let my daughter here you say that! Can I get anyone a beverage? Marshall, would you come out and help me?
Mr. DiLaBounta: Oh, sure.. let’s us old fogies leave the young folks alone!
[ they both laugh as they retreat to the kitchen. Todd and Lisa sit on the couch. ]
Todd: Well.. you look nice, I guess..
Lisa Loopner: So do you.
Todd: Here. I got you this. [ hands her a box ]
Lisa Loopner: Oh, thanks, Todd. [ opens box ] Oh, this is really beautiful, Todd!
Todd: It’s a wrist corsage. You put it on your wrist. And this is your graduation gift from me. [ hands her a small package ]
Lisa Loopner: Really? [ opens gift, sending springy snakes shooting out – she screams ]
Todd: Aaagghhh!! Noogie Patrol! [ pulls Lisa over and pounds noogies into her head ] Here’s those special Prom Noogies that you ordered! You sent away for those, didn’t you?
Lisa Loopner: Quit it, Pizza Face! You’re messing up my hair! Boy, are you ever immature!
Todd: Say, uh, are they any new developments? [ peeks down her blouse ] No, I guess not! Say, you oughtta really put some band-aids on those mosquito bites you got there!
Lisa Loopner: That’s so funny, I forgot to laugh!
[ Mr. DiLaBounta and Mrs. Loopner re-enter with some glasses of Tang ]
Lisa Loopner: You know, Marshall, as a single parent, I’ve had to be both a mother and father to Lisa.
Todd: You’ve done a terrific job, Mrs. Loopner.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, thank you, Todd!
Mr. DiLaBounta: Uh, Enid.. I hope this isn’t indelicate, but.. [ picks his nose ] ..how did Mr. Loopner pass away?
Mrs. Loopner: Oh.. he was born without a spine. It was always just a matter of time.
Mr. DiLaBounta: What did he do for a living?
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, didn’t you know? He invented the Slinky.
Lisa Loopner: Yeah.. unfortunately, he didn’t call it the Slinky, and he didn’t patent it. But he sued the Slinky people for $5 million.. and lost.
[ they laugh ]
Todd: Good Tang!
Mr. DiLaBounta: Prom Night! Prom Night! I envy you kids. I know I’ll never forget my Senior Prom. The theme was “From Here To Fraternity”. [ laughs ]
Todd: Ours is “Close Encounters of the Prom Kind.”
Mr. DiLaBounta: Oh, hey, kids, how about a picture? [ takes out his camera ] As Todd knows, I’m something of a shutterbug.
[ Todd and Lisa stand up for the picture, Todd holding bunny ears behind Lisa’s head as the picture is snapped ]
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, I saw that, Todd! 40 lashes with a wet noodle! [ laughs, checks watch ] Oh, I don’t want my little girl to turn into a pumpkin even before she’s gotten to the ball.
Mr. DiLaBounta: That’s why I’m here! Have car, will travel!
Todd: To the Prom, to the Prom, Prom, Prom!
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom.. gee, I wish you’d come with us.
Mr. DiLaBounta: Sure! Come on with us!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh.. well, I would love to sneak a peek at those Prom decorations you kids worked so hard on.. [ takes out two hairwraps ] Well, I know it’s not raining, Lisa, but better safe than sorry.. [ Lisa takes one and puts it on ]
Lisa Loopner: Okay, let’s go! [ singing ] “Staying alive! Staying alive!” I want to sit in the front seat!
Todd: No, you’re sitting in the back!
[ Mrs. Loopner turns off the houselights, then closes the front door and heads for the car ]
[ pull out to audience wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Joy Of Debauchery” ]
[ fade ]
Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd Gerard Wagner…..Garrett Morris Ron Quinn…..Brian Doyle Murray
[ Former President Richard Nixon addresses an audience ]
Richard Nixon: Good evening. Some of you know me – some of you may not. Anyway, from the years 1969 to 1974, I was President of the United States. Now, when I was President, I did some bad things.. that made people hate me. I left that executive office under scandalous circumstances, and went on to write a big book about it. But everybody hates me so much, they’re not buying the book. In fact, in Washington now, they have a lobby.. [ pulls out anti-Nixon T-shirt ] ..”Don’t Buy Books by Crooks”. Well.. when I lost the race for Governor of California in 1962, I recall the saying, “You won’t have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore!” Well, that phrase caught on, and people seemed to like it. As things turned out, you don’thave Dick Nixon to kick around anymore. But now, you have my book! So, if you hate me, buy the book and kick it around! Yet, you don’t have to read it, although I originally wrote it to be read. Just buy it – give it a boot! Really! If you’re mad at me, kick the book around the house for an hour or two! Why, Pat’s already on her fourth copy! Now, here’s the book.. [ holds it up ] ..”RN”. That doesn’t stand for “Registered Nurse”! [ laughs ] $19.95. And that’s something they slipped by me – I thought the President would only get $12 or $14, but I got the first copy and there it was – $19.95. $19.95! The publisher sleazed it right by me. Anyway, buy the book. Now, think about how hard you’d kick me if we ever met, and just put the boots to ’em.
[ stands up ] Let me make this even more clear.. I’ve asked two members of my San Clemente, United States Marine Corp. Honor Guard to assist me. Chorusman Gerard Wagner.. [ points to Gerard ] ..Chorusman Ron Quinn.. [ points at Ron, then walks in front of the desk ] Do you think I’m a crook? Take it out on the book! [ kneels, placing book on tip of his extended foot ] Chorusmen! [ whistle blows ] Place kick, please! [ Gerard kicks the book into the audience ]
Sandy … Laraine Newman George … Dan Aykroyd Nico … Bill Murray Pete Dionasopolis … John Belushi Female Customer … Gilda Radner Male Customer … Garrett Morris Fussy Eater … Jane Curtin Al … Buck Henry Extra … Tom Schiller
[Burger patties sizzle on a grill. George, the cook,flips them with his spatula. We hear the sound ofplates clattering. Pull back to reveal The OlympiaRestaurant, a busy diner run by a Greek family. Sandy,the waitress, leans over the counter.]
Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Three chip!Three Pepsi!
Nico: Three chip! Three Pepsi!
[The blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete Dionasopolis,approaches one of his regular customers who sits atthe counter.]
Pete: Okay, what are you gonna have, honey?
Female Customer: I think I’ll have the usual, Pete.
Pete: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!
Pete: [yells to Nico] Chip!
[Seated next to the female customer is a man reading anewspaper. He holds up his coffee cup.]
Male Customer: [to Pete] Hey, can I have a refill onthis coffee?
Male Customer: Hey, man, I can’t have a refill ofcoffee, man?
Pete: Too late!
Female Customer: [helpfully, to the male customer] Uh,you should have asked for the refill while you werestill eating the cheeseburger. They don’t give refillswhen you’re done eating.
Male Customer: [annoyed, to Pete] Okay, I’ll pay forthe second cup of coffee.
Pete: No, go. Come on, I gotta have turnover! Come on,let’s go!
Male Customer: [off his newspaper] Hey, man, I justwanna read the article–
Pete: [yells] You wanna read, you go to library! Youwanna read? Get out of here!
Male Customer: [pays check] Okay! Okay!
Pete: Beat it! Come on!
[Male customer exits in a huff and Pete rings up thesale on his cash register as Sandy, the waitress,approaches the counter.]
Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Two chip! TwoPepsi!
Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!
Pete: [to a fussy eater seated at the counter] Okay,what are you gonna have?
Fussy Eater: Um, I’ll have a fried egg sandwich.
Pete: Uh, no egg. Cheeseburger.
Fussy Eater: How do you cook your cheeseburgers?
Fussy Eater: No, I mean, in what manner are theycooked?
Pete: They are cooked good. What do you mean?
Sandy: [interrupts] Uh, Pete. That lamb in thebasement is loose again.
Pete: [annoyed] Aaahhhhh!
[Pete abruptly walks off, grabs a large hatchet offthe wall and, waving it ominously, exits the scenewith Sandy. Nico, the counterman who barelyunderstands a word of English, brings a Pepsi to anextra seated at the counter.]
Fussy Eater: [to Nico] Excuse me, do you just haveburgers here? [Nico doesn’t understand what she’ssaying but nods and smiles anyhow] Well, do you thinkI could get one broiled? [Nico keeps nodding andsmiling] I could? Aw, good. ‘Cause I just read anarticle that said that meat cooked on a grill causescancer. Did you read that?
Fussy Eater: Yeah, cheeseburgers, too. It’s cookingthe meat too close to the flame that causes it.
Pete: [returns without the hatchet and shoos Nicoaway] Ah, come on, come on, let’s go, get out of here.[to fussy eater] What you gonna have?
Fussy Eater: Uh, I’ll have a broiled hamburger.
Pete: No hamburger. Cheeseburger.
Fussy Eater: Could I get it broiled?
Pete: [humors her] You want it broiled? Okay. Sure, wegive you broiled. All right?
Fussy Eater: Okay, I’ll have a broiled hamburger, well done.
Pete: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!
[Al, a bespectacled man in a green uniform, enters thediner and sits at counter. Pete joins him.]
Al: Hello? Hey! How are ya? I’m Al fromRent-a-Doberman.
Al: [distinctly] I’m from Lease-a-Doberman.
Pete: Ah! Eh?
Al: The guard dog company. Somebody here called, saidthey wanted to, uh, rent a guard dog.
Pete: How much?
Al: Well, it’s like I tried to tell ya on the phone,it depends on the type of dog you want, how many hoursper night you want him for. [looks around] I shouldthink a place like this, uh, would need only one dog.What time do you, uh – What time do you close?
Pete: Eleven o’clock.
Al: What time do you open?
Al: Hm. Well, we could drop a dog off at eleven, pickhim up at a quarter to five. But just remember, nobodycan come in here between those hours without gettinghis arm bit off.
Pete: All right. How much?
Al: Just a minute, I’ll figure it out. [takes pencilfrom behind ear and starts jotting numbers on a pad]
Pete: All right.
Female Customer: [concerned] Hey, uh, Pete, doesn’t,uh, Nico here sleep in the back? [points to Nico whohears his name mentioned and wonders what’s going on]
Al: [interrupts] Uh oh oh oh, wait a minute, wait aminute. Nobody’s gonna be able to sleep around nohungry Dobie. [laughs] We don’t feed ’em much, keeps’em perky. [goes back to figuring on his pad]
Pete: [considers this] All right. [explains to thefemale customer] Somebody broke in next door. I needprotection, you know?
Sandy: [also concerned] But, Pete, what about Nico?
Pete: Who’s afraid of him? I need protection. Dogs.
Sandy: [offended] You mean when the dog comes, you’regoing to fire Nico?
Pete: No. [decisively] Now!
Sandy: [disbelief] Oh! Who’s going to tell him he’s fired?
Pete: You. You tell him.
Sandy: No, not me. [raises a hand in protest and walks off]
Pete: [approaches his cook] Hey, George. Why don’t youtell him he’s fired?
George: No, no. Not me, Pete. Not me, Pete. [turnsback to the grill]
Pete: All right, all right. I’ll tell him. [to aconfused Nico] You fired! Goodbye! [tears the apronoff Nico and pushes him to the front door of thediner] Goodbye! Goodbye. [opens door and pushes Nicoout] You fired. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye.
[Pete shuts the door on Nico, then turns to Al who hasignored all this. Al quietly chews gum and makes noteson his pad. In the background, Nico’s forlorn faceappears outside the diner window watching Pete and Al talk:]
Pete: How much?
Al: Fifty-five dollars a week.
Al: No, no. Fifty-five is the lowest I can charge you.We’d be making a special pick-up at that time of themorning. I–
Pete: [gestures to Nico and opens the door for him tocome back in] Come on.
[Confused, Nico enters the diner and Pete gives himback his apron.]
Al: Well, maybe there IS something I can do.
Pete: [abruptly takes the apron back from Nico andpushes him out the door again] All right, go. Out!
[Nico, thoroughly confused, exits willingly andresumes his place outside the diner window, peering inforlornly, as Pete listens to Al’s proposal.]
Al: Now, I got a couple of nine-month-old GermanShepherds I’m having some problems with. I’ll put themboth in here. I’ll only charge you forty-five dollars.
Al: [irritated] There’s no way I can put two dogs inhere for twenty dollars a week. It costs me that muchjust to feed ’em.
Pete: Uhhhh… Twenty-two.
Al: [exasperated] All right, look. I’m sorry.Forty-five is the absolute minimum price. If youchange your mind, here’s my card. [hands Pete abusiness card and exits the diner]
Pete: [with a jerk of his head, calls out] Nico! [Nicoenters hesitantly, unsure of Pete’s intentions] Comeon. Come on! [throws apron to Nico, both men return totheir places behind the counter] All right. [to femalecustomer who nods] Everything all right? [to fussyeater] Huh? You got it?
[Just then, George places a cheeseburger in front of fussy eater.]
Fussy Eater: [indignant, to Pete] Hey, wait. Thischeeseburger wasn’t broiled. I just saw him take itoff the grill.
Pete: [to fussy eater, trying to change the subject]What to drink?
Fussy Eater: [insistent] I ordered a broiledhamburger. This is not a broiled hamburger.
Pete: Okay, okay, what do you want to drink? Come on,come on, come on.
Fussy Eater: I’m afraid if I order a Coke, I’ll get a Pepsi.
Pete: No Coke. Pepsi.
Fussy Eater: [upset] Okay! Pepsi!
Pete: [yells to Nico] Pepsi! [But Nico isn’t payingattention] Pepsiiiiii! [still no response, Pete grabsa menu from the counter and starts whacking Nico withit] Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi!
Nico: [wearily] Pepsi…
Sandy: [yells to George] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Director (“Bri”)…..Bill Murray Tommy…..Tom Schiller Cheryl…..Gilda Radner Gwen…..Jane Curtin Howard…..Buck Henry Roy…..Garrett Morris
[ open on a film set, decorated like a suburban living room. Tommy stands off to one side as the Director enters ]
Director: Tommy? Get me out of here in a hurry, okay? I want to get out to the track! [ to Cheryl ] Okay! Cheryl! Sweetheart! Let’s have you here! [ Cheryl steps up ] Okay, Kitten — in this scene, you’re the spoiled little girl, okay? Every time you get a new toy, you either break it or throw it away — or get bored with it right away, okay?
Director: Okay. And you’re the same way with your little puppy, alright? You wanted it, you promised to take care of it, but then it was too much work, okay?
Cheryl: How old am I supposed to be?
Director: Uh, ten years old, okay?
Cheryl: I’m TWELVE?
Director: Okay… [ he squooshes her face ] but do you think you could play a spoiled little ten year old?!
Cheryl: [ muffled ] I think so…!
Director: Good! Isn’t she a little pill, everybody? Great! [ he releases her face ] Okay! Now, Gwen, please, may I have you? [ Gwen steps up ] In this scene, you’re the permissive mother, okay? You let your daughter get away with EVERYTHING, alright?
Gwen: Oh! Sounds like my own home! [ she laughs ]
Director: [ mock-laughing ] Terrific, honey. Howard, where are you?
Howard: Yes, yes, yes! [ he runs up ]
Director: Come here you, my psychotic father of this scene! Alright! Okay. You’re psychotic…
Howard: Yes, yes!
Director: You hate your wife…
Director: The only reason the marriage is still together is because of the little one.
Director: And you hate her.
Director: Because she’s spoiled.
Director: So who do you take it out on? The defenseless little puppy.
Howard: Gotcha, right!
Director: I knew you would! [ he rubs Howard’s head ] Come on! Right! Okay, let’s bring in…?
Roy: [ carrying puppy ] Roy.
Director: Roy! Alright, good to meet ya’, fellow! [ he rubs Roy’s head ] Okay, terrific! How is Sparky today? [ to Sparky ] Hey, fella! [ he composes himself ] Now, Roy… in this scene, I want Sparky to play the helpless, unloved puppy. No one’s taking care of him, no one’s training him…
Director: He’s confused, he’s nervous. So… he takes a doo doo on the rug. Can Sparky do that?
Roy: He sure can! Now, you heard the man, Sparky! When I do this… [ he holds up two fingers ] You make doo doo on the rug, okay?
Director: Ahhh, thatta boy! Thanks, Roy, you’re amazing! OKay, places, everybody, please! Tommy, come in here and do me a favor! [ Tommy enters with clapper ] Will you roll ’em for me? [ he steps aside ] Slate it, Tommy!
Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 3, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]
Director: Alright, settle in! [ the domestic scene focuses ] And… ACTION!
[ the little girl plays with the puppy on the floor, as her parents sit behind her on the sofa ]
Howard: Marilyn? I thought I told you NOT to bring the dog into the living room?!
Cheryl: Ohhh, please?
Howard: No! I don’t want it on the new carpet! Now, take it out!
Gwen: Ohhhh, let her keep it in here, it’ll be okay.
[ offstage, Roy holds up two fingers, as Sparky whines and takes a doo doo ]
Cheryl: Uh-oh! Dad! Look what the dog did!
Howard: [ irked ] Okay, Marilyn! YOU clean it up!
Cheryl: I don’t wanna!
Howard: Now, listen! You PROMISED me that you would take care of that stupid dog! Now you CLEAN IT UP!!
Gwen: She’s only ten years old! You CAN’T expect her to clean it up!
Howard: Alright, then — YOU clean it up! The dog was YOUR idea!
Gwen: I can’t! I vomit!
Howard: [ he throws his newspaper down ] Okay, I suppose I’LL have to clean up after it again! THIS IS IT!! I’m getting RID of this damn dog!!
Cheryl: Well, I don’t care!! ‘Cause I don’t WANT it any more, anyway! [ she storms out of the room ]
Gwen: Now you’ve upset her! Marilyn, honey![ she runs after her daughter ]
Howard: [ picking up the dog ] This is just unbelievable! I don’t know WHAT to do! [ the dog doo doos in his hands ] What?! You stupid MUTT! You’re doing it again! No! No! I said stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!! [ he raises the dog over his head and freezes ]
[ Roy rushes forward and retrieves the puppy from Howard’s hands ]
Director: Okay, bring in the stunt puppy!
[ Roy rushes the puppy to safety ]
Director: Okay, that was very sweet. Very tasty, Howard.
Director: Thank you. Appreciate it. [ as Roy returns with the stunt puppy ] What have we got here? Perfect match! Must be from the same littler.
Roy: Yeah! This, uh — this is, uh, Tippy!
Director: [ to Tippy ] Heyyyy, Tippy! Mr. Tough Guy, huh? How are ya’! [ he grabs the dog’s paw ] Okay, Tipster… Brian, here, is gonna throw you around a little bit. And, when he does, I want you to squeal. Can we hear a squeal?
Roy: Oh, sure!
[ sound effect of a dog squealing over close-up of the puppy ]
Director: Beautiful! Tippy, how are your ears? Are they strong?
Roy: Oh, sure! He’s got strong ears, strong tail — you can do ANYTHING to him!
[ no one is more excited to hear this than Howard ]
Director: Great! Terrific! Okay, places, everybody! Tommy! I’m gonna FINE you a hundred dollars — and everyone on my set — for not noticing my new haircut! [ he gives Tommy a noogie and laughs ] Now, get outta here, all of you! Okay! Would you please do mr a favor, and slate it for me, Tommy?
Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 4, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]
[ scene resumes with Howard kneeling next to the puppy at the couch ]
Director: Start whimpering, Tippy! [ the puppy begins to whimper ] And ACTION!!
Howard: CUT IT OUT, CUT IT OUT!! [ he grabs the puppy’s leash and yanks him in a circle around the living room ] I said STOP IT!! [ he kicks the puppy across the room and lets it ricchochet back from the leash ] I said STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!! [ he begins to throw the puppy at the furniture, never letting go of the leash ] STOP IT!! [ with one final twirl of the leash, he throws the puppy hrough the front window, shattering the glass ]
Director: [ toward the window ] Heyyyyy! How’s Tippy back there? Can we get somebody to go check on Tippy?
[ Roy passes behind the set and holds the puppy up ]
Roy: He’s alright!
Director: Ahhhh, that’s a pal, huh? Come here, big guy! [ he scoops the puppy into his arms ] Oh, that was terrific, fella! Hey — I want to work with you again! That’s a promise! That’s a wrap, everybody! Let’s get some sleep. Eight o’clock tomorrow, for the cockfight.
Mr. Dantley: [ enters shop ] Hello? Excuse me, could you give me a hand, please? I need some help.
Announcer: And now, another episode of..
[ SUPER: “Samurai TV Repairman” ]
Announcer: ..”Samurai TV Repairman”.
Mr. Dantley: Boy, am I glad I found a shop that was open this late.
Samurai: [ grunts ]
Mr. Dantley: Yes, I know. I’ve gotta have this set fixed. Tonight. So I can watch the Play-Offs tomorrow.
Samurai: [ mimes basketball action ]
Mr. Dantley: That’s right. I’ve got $100 riding on the Bullets. The way I see it, if Unsel can control the boards, and Hays is hitting from the outside.. You see what I mean.
Mr. Dantley: Anyway, look at this thing. I’ve got no sound, and I’ve got no picture.
Samurai: [ plays with tubes ]
Mr. Dantley: Well, what is it?
Samurai: [ opens up TV from the back and points ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah.. just, what, does it need a tube? [ Samurai grunts ] I-I mean, a transistor. I just don’t understand it, it’s.. it’s a relatively new set. See, here’s the Inspector’s tag. Uh.. it doesn’t do me much good to know that the Inspector’s number is, uh.. 68.. because the factory’s all the way in Japan.
Samurai: [ panic grows on face ]
Mr. Dantley: 68? I’d like to get my hands on #68.
Samurai: My Momma-son!!
Mr. Dantley: What?
Samurai: My Momma-son!!
Mr. Dantley: Inspector 68 is your mother?
Samurai: My Momma-son!!
Mr. Dantley: I don’t know what’s the matter with-
Samurai: [ takes out small dagger and prepares to stab himself in the chest ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, well, wait a minute.. wait a minute.. [ turns tag upside-down ] It’s 89. my mistake.
Samurai: [ relieved, puts dagger away ]
Mr. Dantley: Anyway.. the point is, I’ve really gotta have it fixed by tomorrow, because.. I’ve got everything ready for tomorrow. You know what I mean? I ordered a pizza.. I have some beer in the refrigerator.. my girl is coming over, so..
Samurai: [ slides dagger in and out of holder strpaped around his waist ]
Mr. Dantley: Exactly my point! Anyway.. you mind if I ask you what kind of training you’ve had for this business? I mean, did you go to school for this sort of thing?
Samurai: [ indicates diploma on wall ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah. Famous TV Repairman’s School of West Port, Connecticut. Black-and-white only. Black-and-white only? Hey, listen, uh.. this is a color set. If you went to that school, what do you know about fixing a color set?
Samurai: [ points to his eyes ]
Mr. Dantley: Your eyes are brown..
Samurai: [ points to skin ]
Mr. Dantley: Your skin is yellow..
Samurai: [ points to kimono ]
Mr. Dantley: Your kimono is blue..
Mr. Dantley: Ah. Well, that’s great. I know what color you are, but what about my set? I’ll tell you – I noticed that sometimes, when I sort of hit the side, the picture will come up.
Samurai: [ taps TV with his fist ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah, a little rap on the side. Just a little.. tap on the side, that’s all.
Samurai: [ screams, throws TV to the floor, then hacks it with a slice from his sword ]
Mr. Dantley: [ alarmed ] Hey, what are you doing to my set?! What kind of way is that to fix it?!
Samurai: [ picks up TV from floor, which now makes a sound, accompanied by scrambled test pattern ]
Mr. Dantley: That’s fantastic! You’ve restored the sound.. but what about the picture? [ Samurai grunts ] Yes. Exactly. Yeah.
Samurai: [ sticks two small Samurai swords through the back of TV, then jiggles until a clear picture appears ]
Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of..
[ SUPER: “Samurai TV Repairman” ]
Announcer: ..”Samurai TV Repairman”.
[ cut to close-up of audience member, “Has Fantasies Rated G” superimposed in front of her ]
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce…..Dan Aykroyd Mayor Abanasher…..Buck Henry Ashmore…..John Belushi Noab…..Bill Murray Sodomite #1…..Garrett Morris Fellow Sodomites…..Andy Murphy, Mitchell Laurance Song and Dance Girls…..Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner
[ open on close-up of Sodom Chamber of Commerce banner, with SUPER: “Sodom, 2003 B.C.” ]
[ pull back to reveal Chamber members talking amongst themselves ]
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: [ banging gavel ] Alright, settle down, gentlemen! Well, as the Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce, it’s always a pleasure to welcome our Mayor. You all know him — he’s a friend, a neighbor, and a great Sodomite. Gentlmen, please welcome Abanasher.
[ the Chamber members applaud as the Mayor rises ]
Mayor Abanasher: Gentlemen, thank you. I’d like to talk to you today about a problem that I consider the most serious problem facing our city. I’ve just returned from a trip that took me all around the Plain of Jordan. I regret to inform that Sodom… has a TERRIBLE reputation. [ the Chamber reacts ] I’m afraid it’s true, gemtlemen. When people of the empire think of Sodom, what’s the first thing that comes to their minds? Sodomy. [ the Chamber members nod ] Sodomy, sodomy, sodomy!
Ashmore: Well, what’s wrong with that? I mean, sodomy is what put us on the map!
[ the Chamber members agree ]
Mayor Abanasher: That’s fine for you to say, Ashmore, because you’re a pharmacist. The point is: I’m the Mayor of this city, and I’m faced with a financial crisis, and every time I go to the government for loans, they say to me, “Why should we give aid to a city so debaucehd and so vile?”
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Vile? What’s vile about sodomy?
Mayor Abanasher: You have no argument from me on that! All I’m saying is that we ought to be concerned about the kind of image we project to out-of-towners. You know, there’s a lot of Samarians and Azarians who are spending their zuzan in Gomorrah. That’s why I’ve invited a guest here tonight — Noab the Hissite. Now, Noah created the campaign to turn Gomorrah around. He’s got some really great ideas, so please hear him out. Gentlemen, I give you… Noab!
[ the Chamber members applaud Noab, as he rises ]
Noab: Thanks, Abanasher! Gentlemen. You know, I was looking over your official city brochure. Now… what kind of city slogan is this: [ reading ] “You have to be crazy to live in Sodom — crazy about sodomy!” Now… if you’re going to attract investment, if you expect to have your bid for the Olympics taken seriously, you’re gonna have to play down the sodomy!
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: “Play down”? Come on! What do you think brings the conventions in here? A guy lookimh for a place he can gamble, practice gluttony, worship a flase idol or two… and have a little sodomy! He automatically thinks of Sodom!
Ashmore: He’s got a point there!
Noab: Alright, now look at Gomorrah, okay? Now, they’re every bit as wicked as you people, but it’s just not the main thrust of their publicity. They emphasize more conventional things. I think Sodom should, too.
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Oh, like what?
Noab: Well, like the park. Like the museums. Like your restaurants. LIke your theater district.
Sodomite #1: Oh, yeah… and the human sacrifice!
Noab: No, no, no… You see, people around the empire, they sort of perceive the human sacrifice, not as a civic attraction, but as another one of the wicked things about Sodom!
Ashmore: We don’t want to look like goodie goodies.
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: No, Ashmore, you needn’t worry about that. Anyone who’s really interested in sodom, they know to come here — word-of-mouth will take care of that. I think that what Noab is saying is that we don’t have to bend over backwards to advertise it.
Noab: Exactly! Exactly! All we want people to know is that they can come to Sodom, check into a hotel, visit a museum or a gallery in the afternoon, have a nice dinner in a fine restaurant in the evening, and then, if they want it, the sodomy is there.
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Gentlemen, Noab tells me that he has conceived a massive publicity campaign for Sodom’s new image.
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Alright, Noab, can you give us a sample?
Noab: Alright, gentlemen. I think this is a concept that you’re going to love. [ calling out ] Kids?
[ three Song and Dance girls come out to perform ]
Song and Dance Girls: [ singing ]“IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm! IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm! IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm!”
[ pull back on wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Do Termites Play House?” ]
[ fade ]
Pedro…John Belushi Woman…Gilda Radner Announcer…Dan Aykroyd …Buddy Williams …Bill Murray
[Open on Pedro and a woman harvesting marijuana in a field. A plane is heard flying overhead as it dumps a white powder onto the crops]
Woman: Pedro! Pedro, this must be a sign from Our Lady of Guadalupe. It hasn’t snowed in Sonora for 192 years. It’s a MIRACLE!
Pedro: It’s not a miracle! It’s Paraquat!
Woman: Pedro, is this a sign that we will have an early harvest?
Pedro: Darn right we’re gonna have an early harvest, like tonight! We gonna cut and bathe this stuff right away, we can still sell it to the Gringos.
Woman: But Pedro, doesn’t it cause irreversible lung damage?
Pedro: Have you been reading newspapers again, huh? [Slaps woman] Wha’d you been doing, huh? [Slaps her two more times] Come on, work, work! It’s harvest time! HARVEST TIME!
Announcer: Yes, Paraquat does affect the quality of marijuana, but it does not affect the importation and traffic. One afternoon from this secluded valley in Sonora province, Mexico [Dissolve to North American map with a mule placed over Sonora] one-hundred tons of Paraquat-treated marijuana was transported by mule [mule moves to a plane just south of Texas] to a point 30 miles south of the United States border at York, Texas. Here, 50 tons was transferred to six converted Lockheed Hudson C-40 transport planes with flight plans for the American Midwest. [Plane on map moves north to Kansas, where a semi truck is positioned] Six hours later, the six cannabis-carrying transport planes touched down safely in the wheat field of a high-volume dealer near Pitkin, Kansas, where most of the payload was seized by federal and state law enforcement officials acting on an elderly neighbor’s tip. [Plane falls off map] But before the lawmen could surround the area, ten tons were concealed in a refrigerated tractor-trailer unit hauling a load of fresh zucchini [semi drives east to a van positioned in Kentucky] Agricultural officials stopped the tractor trailer at Bowling Green, Kentucky and, while making a random inspection, they discovered the marijuana in the zucchini. Of the ten tons on that truck, nine were seized by drug enforcement agency representatives [semi falls off map] who accepted a large bribe to let the only remaining ton leave the state safely in a customized van [van drives southeast to a saxophone player in Georgia]. This shipment was delivered to a professional cannabis broker in Macon, Georgia. This broker subsequently sold two pounds to a black musician, who returned to New York City. [Sax player moves northeast to New York] The musician took some paraquat-treated joints to work one night, and passed one of them to a young actor.
[Dissolve to Bill Murray accepting a joint from SNL bass player Buddy Williams]
Bill Murray: Are you sure this stuff is okay?
Buddy Williams: Oh yes, man. I swear it’s Colombian.
[Bill takes a few puffs, gags and coughs]
Bill Murray: [in a raspy voice] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ open on dark apartment, as couple enters and turns on the lights ]
Judi: I STILL don’t understand why you didn’t like the SALAD!
Richard: I told you, because I hate pimentos! [ he picks up the TV Guide ]
Richard: So I hate pimentos! You know? Because you don’t know what they are! I mean, what are pimentos? They’re red things you put in olives and salads, but what are they? Actual things, you know? Do they grow on farms? Are there pimento farms? What?!
Judi: I don’t think it’s necessary to know if there are pimento farms in order to eat salads that contain pimentos!
Richard: You know, I’ve never known you to interrogate me about a garnish before.
Judi: Well, it’s not just the garnish, okay? It’s other things… it’s bigger things.
Richard: [ reading the TV Guide ] Let’s see… Thursday at 10:30, what have we got?
Judi: [ she sighs ] Okay! Avoiding the subject! Building up a nice uncomfortable SILENCE, that’ll be FUN!
Richard: Do you think anything good is on?
Judi: Is that your favorite sentence — “Is anything good on?”
Richard: NO! My favorite sentence is “Hello, hurt me!”
Judi: Oh, well, I guess this is going to be the part of the evening where we watch TV and… you mouth the lines with them on “The Honeymooners”.
Richard: [ reading ] “Felix and Oscar get invited to a bowling tournament.” I saw that this afternoon! That was on this afternoon! I hate that! I hate when they put on in the afternoon what they’re gonna put on in the evening!
Judi: You hate it, but you’ll watch it.
Richard: True. True. I’m into a LOT of things I hate!
[ he turns the TV on and sits to watch “The Odd Couple”, as she sits down and endures it for as long as she can ]
Judi: [ she turns the TV off ] Whhhhyyyyy are we watching this show?!
Richard: Because it’s GOOD!
Judi: I HATE that expression, “Because it’s GOOD!” That’s what people say to describe mediocre Chinese restaurants and movies they don’t understand!
Richard: What’s the matter with good?
Judi: It’s such a NOTHING concept! It’s like “nuts”, “good”, and “nice”, they all wave to each other from across the dictionary!
Richard: You know, that is EXACTLY the kind of thing you would say! That is EXACTLY the kind of… dot-your-I’s-with-little-circles outlook on life that you have, you know?
Judi: [ taking offense ] I don’t dot my eyes with little circles!
Richard: You spell your name with an I! “Judi” with an I! Which, in 1967, I will just BET was topped by an adorable little circle!
Judi: Um, no, it wasn’t.
Richard: Yeah. Or a heart! It was ADORABLE, you know?! You know when you get adorable? You know, like, uh, like when you put on my old flannel shirt — which you put on because you say it’s more comfortable, but really it’s because it’s BIG on you, and you think you look adorable in it! This is a true thing about you! There’s lots of latent adorableness! If you don’t watch out, one day you’re gonna put on my shirt, get a “Honk If You’re Horny” bumper sticker, and buy lots of, uh — uh — “Jottings From Judi” stationery!
Judi: [ throwing her arms in the air ] This is my FAVORITE conversation pf my LIFE!
Richard: You don’t mind, I’m just gonna mouth the words with Felix and Oscar, okay?
Judi: Oh, enjoy! [ a beat ] Pimento bigot!
Richard: Plus — you LOVE calling potato chips… “that poison”! You just LOVE calling potato chips and candy… “THAT POISON!!” These are foods which, for many years, you ATE DAILY!! But now, you love to call them “THAT POISON!!” I still enjoy these foods! I AM waiting for the day that I’ll have the penaut butter cup attack that’ll kill me! But until then, I’m sucking ’em down, sister! Sucking down the poison, which I would prefer you did not mention! You know? Basically, this makes me PUKE! Okay?
Judi: Thank you so very much.
Richard: I mean… I’m onto you. You know? Eating pimentos, putting down potato chips. You could really convince me that you’re one of those perfume ad Today girls, except that I know for a fact that you’re tow favorite movies are Fellini’s “Satyricon” and “Where The Boys Are”.
Judi: You know… when you lick a joint, you always hold your tongue so that it looks like you’re licking the paper in the most efficient possible way. I have actually seen you watch yourself doing this in nearby toasters or things that reflect — watched you… practice your time!
Judi: So! That is life! That is YOU in life! Afraid to eat pimentos! Practicing your tongue! YOU are Mr. Rigid! Never leaves the house without Kleenex. You know — I know you. I know that every time you write a name in your address book, you have to write it in the SAME felt-tip pen as all the other names in your address ook are written in! I’ve seen you skip over whole working Bic pens, looking for a black felt-tip one!
Richard: Look! I am not Mr. Rigid! I may not be king of the gypsies, but I’m not Mr. Rigid! I like to think of myself as Mr. Good Sense! They know me at the cleaners… I like getting those coupons at the supermarket that you have to scrape away the top to see if it says “You Win $1,000.” I like that! I enjoy it! I look forward to it! I like simple things! You know? I like Blue Shield and Blue Cross! This, to me, is pleasure. I am planted firmly on the Earth — and so are you. Which leads me to believe that, uh, I don’t know what this big hoo-hah is all about! I mean, obviously, something else is on your mind. What is it?
[ he waits ]
Judi: You open your mouth too far when you kiss. I mean, you know when we’re kissing and I sort of try to close my mouth a little? Well, that’s to indicate to you that your mouth is open too FAR for me! I mean, this is a SIGNAL! [ she smiles maliciously ] Should we go on?
Richard: [ he makes a frustrated face ] Okay. Ohhhh-kay! [ he whips off his jacket ] Foreplay! Alright? Foreplay! Okay! You know that thing when you kiss me in those little circles that get bigger and bigger all around my back? And then you start working your way into crucial areas very slowly, to add to the excitement? It’s boring! I never told you this, because I can tell you worked real hard on timing! You know? Not to go too fast, not too go too slow… and you got this real good build-up to ecstasy. So I haven’t said anything, you know? Not to hurt your feelings. But it’s BOR-ING!! It’s like sitting through Coming Attractions!
Judi: Last week, you tied me up!
Richard: You asked me to!
Judi: We agreed!
Richard: I know we agreed!
Judi: Then you left the room!!! You LEFT the room!!
Richard: [ meekly ] Well, I can’t go to sleep without brushing my teeth.
Judi: I WAS TIED UP!! Did I look like I was going to sleep?!!
Richard: Alright, HOW much longer is this going to take?!
Judi: This is it! Also, once, very recently… I wrapped my legs around your chest. And it ended up to be for absolutely… no… reason! I mean, while I was doing it, I was thinking, “I’m not exactly sure why I’m doing it, but I’m sure I’ll find out.” Only… like, either you got confused, or you couldn’t remember how to do what you were thinking, or something! THe point is: It was for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!! And I looked stupid DOING IT!! THe fact is, ALL sex looks very stupid on the whole! So if you’re gonna do something, and you KNOW it looks stupid, it’s GOT to be for a REASON!! That’s all!! It really should!! That’s all!!
Richard: [ confused ] I have to digest this… I’m one of those digestives.
[ she sits next to him, as he mulls over their conversation ]
Judi: [ seductively ] Is anything good on?
Richard: [ he turns to look at her ] Nah.
[ he tosses the TV Guide over his shoulder, turns the TV off, as they take each other’s hand and slowly retreat tp the bedroom ]
[ a lone audience member yells, “Yeah!” ]
[ dissolve to wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Germ As A household Pet” ]
[ fade ]
…..Richard Dreyfuss Dr. Candice Brightman…..Laraine Newman Dr. Judd Quimson…..Bill Murray Dr. Francine Shoes…..Gilda Radner Dr. Herbert Rice…..Garrett Morris
[ open on “Sex Test” title card ]
[ dissolve to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: Good evening. This is Richard Dreyfuss. Our show is called “The Sex Test”. It is designed to promote good sexual health by dealing with some of the most common questions and misconceptions surrounding sex. Where needed, we will have amplication from psychologists and sex specialists. Sex is a delicate subject, and as such, we do advise parental discretion in viewing. It should be noted that sex education is preferable to sexual ignorance. And if you remove the children from the room, they’ll probably turn out as screwed up as you are.
Let’s move on to our first question: “How many times a week should a couple have sex if they’ve been married for 8 years?”
a) 4 Times b) 8 Times c) 16 Times
B — 8 Times is correct. [ ding ]
“How many times a week should a couple have se if they’ve been married 16 years?”
a) 4 Times b) 8 Times c) 16 Times
C — 16 Times. [ ding ] Very surprising. Yes, you should have sex as many times each week as the number of years in your marriage. Which is why the average marriage lasts only 15 years.
“In sex, does it matter if the woman is not satisfied — Yes or No?”
The answer… is “No.” [ ding ] Dr. Candice Brightman, of UCLA?
[ cut to Dr. Candice Brightman ]
Dr. Candice Brightman: Uh — this has been a source of confusion for many years, but we know that it is perfectly normal for a man not to care about a woman’s pleasure, just so long as he drains the lizard. Uh — this does not mean that a man shouldn’t feel bad later, and, uh, go out and buy his mate a nice gift.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “How many climaxes are in a woman’s multiple climax?”
a) 2 to 5 b) 12 to 16 c) Hundreds and Hundreds d) An infinite number
The answer… is C. [ ding ] Hundreds and Hundreds. Dr. Judd Quimson, Sociology Advisor to Penthouse Magazine.
[ cut to Dr. Judd Quimson ]
Dr. Judd Quimson: [ breathing heavily ] It’s a multiple! You know, it’s hundreds and hundreds! I mean, what’s the point, otherwise? If one of my girlfriends has, say, you know, only 30 climaxes… I feel like a real creep! I go out and buy her a nice gift.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “The proper thing to say after a man’s premature climax is:
a) Wait ’til the girls hear about this b) Can I get you anything else? c) You selfish pork face now I’ll never be satisfied
C… is the correct answer! [ ding ] Here is Dr. Francine Shoes of the Yorkies Primate Research Center… to explain why.
[ cut to Dr. Francine Shoes ]
Dr. Francine Shoes: When a man has a premature climax, he has a tendency to lie there like a beached whale. He can even fall asleep and forget that you had sex. But, by calling attention to the situation by yelling at him: “You selfish pork face! Now I’ll never be satisfied!”, he’ll roll over and become aware that you have needs, too. And he’ll probably go out and buy you a nice gift!
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “Who discovered genitalia?”
a) The Dutch b) George Washington Carver c) The Earl of Sandwich
B — George Washington Carver is the correct answer. [ ding ] Dr. Herbert Rice, author of “I’m Normal, You’re Normal”.
[ cut to Dr. Herbert Rice ]
Dr. Herbert Rice: Uh — genitalia have their origin in the fertile crescent in Africa. BUT — it wasn’t until the late 19th Century that, uh, they were discovered by George Washington Carver, the man who did more with the peanut than any man in history.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “What is the Latin plural of coius interruptus?”
a) Coiti interrupti b) Coitus interruptibus c) Coiti interruptarum d) In coitus maximus or e) None of the above
None! [ ding ] The correct plural of Coitus Interruptus is… Twins.
That’s all the time we have for tonight’s Sex Test, I hope you found it helpful. I’ve got a date… [ he reaches down ] and, fortunately, I have a nice gift, too! [ he holds up a wrapped gift ] Thank you and good night!
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Shouts Obscenities at House Plants” ]
[ fade ]