“Every time you buy pot from Mexico, or Colombia… you’re putting an American out of work. We of the American Dope Growers Union support ourselves by growing marijuana in American soil. We’ve had a pretty hard time on our own. But with the union, we can live decent lives and stay off welfare. That’s MY union, and that’s what our union label stands for.
“Soooo look for the Union label, when you are buying that joint, lid, or pound.
Remember somewhere, our Union’s growing…dope you’ll be smoking…at the best price around.
You know we work hard, but who’s complaining? When we at ADG stay high and earn our way.
So always look for, the Union label, it says we deal for the U.S. of A.”
Mrs. Loopner…..Jane Curtin Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner Todd…..Bill Murray Mr. DiLaBounta…..Buck Henry
[ open on Lisa Loopner playing “Heart and Soul” on the piano, as Mrs. Loopner enters ]
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Lisa, you look so lovely.
Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mom.
Mrs. Loopner: Now, before Todd gets here to take you to the Prom, I thought we’d take a moment to have a little heart-to-heart. You know, just mother to daughter.
Lisa Loopner: Okee-dokee.
[ they sit on the couch ]
Mrs. Loopner: Lisa, you’ve blossomed into quite a beauty. You know, sometimes when we go to the Shop-Rite, I see the checkers staring at you..
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom, that’s just your imagination!
Mrs. Loopner: No, Lisa. You’re not a little girl anymore, and you have to be aware of the effect you have on the male of the species. Now, take Todd, for instance. When that perfectly nice young man sets his eyes on you in that get-up, his hormones are gonna go berserk.
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mo-o-o-om, I don’t like Todd in that way!
Mrs. Loopner: Well, you don’t have to like someone to love them, Lisa. Your father.. the late Mr. Loopner..
Together: God rest his soul..
Mrs. Loopner: ..your father and I never liked each other. But our love triumphed over our mutual dislike – I did my wifely duty, and you’re the living proof of that!
Lisa Loopner: Mom, you don’t have to worry about me going all the way with Todd. I’m saving myself for my one true love – Marvin Hamlisch.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, he’s cute. Now, listen, what I’m about to say is very hard for me to say. Lisa, dear.. making a baby is like.. it’s um.. it’s like making egg salad. You, the woman, produce the eggs, and the man furnishes the mayonnaisse – of course, you don’t need chopped celery for.. oh, I’ve just given you my egg salad recipe, and I was saving that for your 21st birthday..
Lisa Loopner: Mom, I know the facts of life! You know, I got an A in Health! [ doorbell rings ] Oh! It’s him!
Mrs. Loopner: [ checks her watch ] Well, half an hour early – on the button. That’s our Todd!
Lisa Loopner: Mom! Don’t let him in until I get upstairs!
Mrs. Loopner: Okay.
[ Lisa runs upstairs, as Mrs. Loopner answers the door to let Todd and Mr. DilaMuca inside ]
Todd: Heh-lo, Mrs. Loop-ner. You’ve met my chauffeur – Marshall “Dad” DiLaBounta.
Mrs. Loopner: Hello, Marshall!
Mr. DiLaBounta: Always a pleasure, Enid!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, don’t we look handsome, Todd!
Todd: Thank you, Mrs. Loop-ner.
Mr. DiLaBounta: [ striking a disco pose ] John Travolta, watch out! [ laughs ] [ the three of them sit ]
Mr. DiLaBounta: So. Where’s the Belle of the Ball?
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, she’s upstairs making herself beautiful!
[ Lisa enters ]
Mr. DiLaBounta: Va-va-va-boom!
Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Di-La-Bounta!
Todd: Well, since we seem to be handing out compliments.. that’s a stunning housecoat you’re wearing, Mrs. Loopner.
Mrs. Loopner: Why, thank you, Todd!
Mr. DiLaBounta: It’s not hard to see where Lisa gets her good looks!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, flattery will get you everywhere, but don’t let my daughter here you say that! Can I get anyone a beverage? Marshall, would you come out and help me?
Mr. DiLaBounta: Oh, sure.. let’s us old fogies leave the young folks alone!
[ they both laugh as they retreat to the kitchen. Todd and Lisa sit on the couch. ]
Todd: Well.. you look nice, I guess..
Lisa Loopner: So do you.
Todd: Here. I got you this. [ hands her a box ]
Lisa Loopner: Oh, thanks, Todd. [ opens box ] Oh, this is really beautiful, Todd!
Todd: It’s a wrist corsage. You put it on your wrist. And this is your graduation gift from me. [ hands her a small package ]
Lisa Loopner: Really? [ opens gift, sending springy snakes shooting out – she screams ]
Todd: Aaagghhh!! Noogie Patrol! [ pulls Lisa over and pounds noogies into her head ] Here’s those special Prom Noogies that you ordered! You sent away for those, didn’t you?
Lisa Loopner: Quit it, Pizza Face! You’re messing up my hair! Boy, are you ever immature!
Todd: Say, uh, are they any new developments? [ peeks down her blouse ] No, I guess not! Say, you oughtta really put some band-aids on those mosquito bites you got there!
Lisa Loopner: That’s so funny, I forgot to laugh!
[ Mr. DiLaBounta and Mrs. Loopner re-enter with some glasses of Tang ]
Lisa Loopner: You know, Marshall, as a single parent, I’ve had to be both a mother and father to Lisa.
Todd: You’ve done a terrific job, Mrs. Loopner.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, thank you, Todd!
Mr. DiLaBounta: Uh, Enid.. I hope this isn’t indelicate, but.. [ picks his nose ] ..how did Mr. Loopner pass away?
Mrs. Loopner: Oh.. he was born without a spine. It was always just a matter of time.
Mr. DiLaBounta: What did he do for a living?
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, didn’t you know? He invented the Slinky.
Lisa Loopner: Yeah.. unfortunately, he didn’t call it the Slinky, and he didn’t patent it. But he sued the Slinky people for $5 million.. and lost.
[ they laugh ]
Todd: Good Tang!
Mr. DiLaBounta: Prom Night! Prom Night! I envy you kids. I know I’ll never forget my Senior Prom. The theme was “From Here To Fraternity”. [ laughs ]
Todd: Ours is “Close Encounters of the Prom Kind.”
Mr. DiLaBounta: Oh, hey, kids, how about a picture? [ takes out his camera ] As Todd knows, I’m something of a shutterbug.
[ Todd and Lisa stand up for the picture, Todd holding bunny ears behind Lisa’s head as the picture is snapped ]
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, I saw that, Todd! 40 lashes with a wet noodle! [ laughs, checks watch ] Oh, I don’t want my little girl to turn into a pumpkin even before she’s gotten to the ball.
Mr. DiLaBounta: That’s why I’m here! Have car, will travel!
Todd: To the Prom, to the Prom, Prom, Prom!
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom.. gee, I wish you’d come with us.
Mr. DiLaBounta: Sure! Come on with us!
Mrs. Loopner: Oh.. well, I would love to sneak a peek at those Prom decorations you kids worked so hard on.. [ takes out two hairwraps ] Well, I know it’s not raining, Lisa, but better safe than sorry.. [ Lisa takes one and puts it on ]
Lisa Loopner: Okay, let’s go! [ singing ] “Staying alive! Staying alive!” I want to sit in the front seat!
Todd: No, you’re sitting in the back!
[ Mrs. Loopner turns off the houselights, then closes the front door and heads for the car ] [ pull out to audience wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Joy Of Debauchery” ] [ fade ]
Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd Gerard Wagner…..Garrett Morris Ron Quinn…..Brian Doyle Murray
[ Former President Richard Nixon addresses an audience ]
Richard Nixon: Good evening. Some of you know me – some of you may not. Anyway, from the years 1969 to 1974, I was President of the United States. Now, when I was President, I did some bad things.. that made people hate me. I left that executive office under scandalous circumstances, and went on to write a big book about it. But everybody hates me so much, they’re not buying the book. In fact, in Washington now, they have a lobby.. [ pulls out anti-Nixon T-shirt ] ..”Don’t Buy Books by Crooks”. Well.. when I lost the race for Governor of California in 1962, I recall the saying, “You won’t have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore!” Well, that phrase caught on, and people seemed to like it. As things turned out, you don’thave Dick Nixon to kick around anymore. But now, you have my book! So, if you hate me, buy the book and kick it around! Yet, you don’t have to read it, although I originally wrote it to be read. Just buy it – give it a boot! Really! If you’re mad at me, kick the book around the house for an hour or two! Why, Pat’s already on her fourth copy! Now, here’s the book.. [ holds it up ] ..”RN”. That doesn’t stand for “Registered Nurse”! [ laughs ] $19.95. And that’s something they slipped by me – I thought the President would only get $12 or $14, but I got the first copy and there it was – $19.95. $19.95! The publisher sleazed it right by me. Anyway, buy the book. Now, think about how hard you’d kick me if we ever met, and just put the boots to ’em.
[ stands up ] Let me make this even more clear.. I’ve asked two members of my San Clemente, United States Marine Corp. Honor Guard to assist me. Chorusman Gerard Wagner.. [ points to Gerard ] ..Chorusman Ron Quinn.. [ points at Ron, then walks in front of the desk ] Do you think I’m a crook? Take it out on the book! [ kneels, placing book on tip of his extended foot ] Chorusmen! [ whistle blows ] Place kick, please! [ Gerard kicks the book into the audience ]
Sandy … Laraine Newman George … Dan Aykroyd Nico … Bill Murray Pete Dionasopolis … John Belushi Female Customer … Gilda Radner Male Customer … Garrett Morris Fussy Eater … Jane Curtin Al … Buck Henry Extra … Tom Schiller
[Burger patties sizzle on a grill. George, the cook,flips them with his spatula. We hear the sound ofplates clattering. Pull back to reveal The OlympiaRestaurant, a busy diner run by a Greek family. Sandy,the waitress, leans over the counter.]
Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Three chip!Three Pepsi!
Nico: Three chip! Three Pepsi!
[The blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete Dionasopolis,approaches one of his regular customers who sits atthe counter.]
Pete: Okay, what are you gonna have, honey?
Female Customer: I think I’ll have the usual, Pete.
Pete: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!
Pete: [yells to Nico] Chip!
[Seated next to the female customer is a man reading anewspaper. He holds up his coffee cup.]
Male Customer: [to Pete] Hey, can I have a refill onthis coffee?
Male Customer: Hey, man, I can’t have a refill ofcoffee, man?
Pete: Too late!
Female Customer: [helpfully, to the male customer] Uh,you should have asked for the refill while you werestill eating the cheeseburger. They don’t give refillswhen you’re done eating.
Male Customer: [annoyed, to Pete] Okay, I’ll pay forthe second cup of coffee.
Pete: No, go. Come on, I gotta have turnover! Come on,let’s go!
Male Customer: [off his newspaper] Hey, man, I justwanna read the article–
Pete: [yells] You wanna read, you go to library! Youwanna read? Get out of here!
Male Customer: [pays check] Okay! Okay!
Pete: Beat it! Come on!
[Male customer exits in a huff and Pete rings up thesale on his cash register as Sandy, the waitress,approaches the counter.]
Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Two chip! TwoPepsi!
Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!
Pete: [to a fussy eater seated at the counter] Okay,what are you gonna have?
Fussy Eater: Um, I’ll have a fried egg sandwich.
Pete: Uh, no egg. Cheeseburger.
Fussy Eater: How do you cook your cheeseburgers?
Fussy Eater: No, I mean, in what manner are theycooked?
Pete: They are cooked good. What do you mean?
Sandy: [interrupts] Uh, Pete. That lamb in thebasement is loose again.
Pete: [annoyed] Aaahhhhh!
[Pete abruptly walks off, grabs a large hatchet offthe wall and, waving it ominously, exits the scenewith Sandy. Nico, the counterman who barelyunderstands a word of English, brings a Pepsi to anextra seated at the counter.]
Fussy Eater: [to Nico] Excuse me, do you just haveburgers here? [Nico doesn’t understand what she’ssaying but nods and smiles anyhow] Well, do you thinkI could get one broiled? [Nico keeps nodding andsmiling] I could? Aw, good. ‘Cause I just read anarticle that said that meat cooked on a grill causescancer. Did you read that?
Fussy Eater: Yeah, cheeseburgers, too. It’s cookingthe meat too close to the flame that causes it.
Pete: [returns without the hatchet and shoos Nicoaway] Ah, come on, come on, let’s go, get out of here.[to fussy eater] What you gonna have?
Fussy Eater: Uh, I’ll have a broiled hamburger.
Pete: No hamburger. Cheeseburger.
Fussy Eater: Could I get it broiled?
Pete: [humors her] You want it broiled? Okay. Sure, wegive you broiled. All right?
Fussy Eater: Okay, I’ll have a broiled hamburger, well done.
Pete: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!
[Al, a bespectacled man in a green uniform, enters thediner and sits at counter. Pete joins him.]
Al: Hello? Hey! How are ya? I’m Al fromRent-a-Doberman.
Al: [distinctly] I’m from Lease-a-Doberman.
Pete: Ah! Eh?
Al: The guard dog company. Somebody here called, saidthey wanted to, uh, rent a guard dog.
Pete: How much?
Al: Well, it’s like I tried to tell ya on the phone,it depends on the type of dog you want, how many hoursper night you want him for. [looks around] I shouldthink a place like this, uh, would need only one dog.What time do you, uh – What time do you close?
Pete: Eleven o’clock.
Al: What time do you open?
Al: Hm. Well, we could drop a dog off at eleven, pickhim up at a quarter to five. But just remember, nobodycan come in here between those hours without gettinghis arm bit off.
Pete: All right. How much?
Al: Just a minute, I’ll figure it out. [takes pencilfrom behind ear and starts jotting numbers on a pad]
Pete: All right.
Female Customer: [concerned] Hey, uh, Pete, doesn’t,uh, Nico here sleep in the back? [points to Nico whohears his name mentioned and wonders what’s going on]
Al: [interrupts] Uh oh oh oh, wait a minute, wait aminute. Nobody’s gonna be able to sleep around nohungry Dobie. [laughs] We don’t feed ’em much, keeps’em perky. [goes back to figuring on his pad]
Pete: [considers this] All right. [explains to thefemale customer] Somebody broke in next door. I needprotection, you know?
Sandy: [also concerned] But, Pete, what about Nico?
Pete: Who’s afraid of him? I need protection. Dogs.
Sandy: [offended] You mean when the dog comes, you’regoing to fire Nico?
Pete: No. [decisively] Now!
Sandy: [disbelief] Oh! Who’s going to tell him he’s fired?
Pete: You. You tell him.
Sandy: No, not me. [raises a hand in protest and walks off]
Pete: [approaches his cook] Hey, George. Why don’t youtell him he’s fired?
George: No, no. Not me, Pete. Not me, Pete. [turnsback to the grill]
Pete: All right, all right. I’ll tell him. [to aconfused Nico] You fired! Goodbye! [tears the apronoff Nico and pushes him to the front door of thediner] Goodbye! Goodbye. [opens door and pushes Nicoout] You fired. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye.
[Pete shuts the door on Nico, then turns to Al who hasignored all this. Al quietly chews gum and makes noteson his pad. In the background, Nico’s forlorn faceappears outside the diner window watching Pete and Al talk:]
Pete: How much?
Al: Fifty-five dollars a week.
Al: No, no. Fifty-five is the lowest I can charge you.We’d be making a special pick-up at that time of themorning. I–
Pete: [gestures to Nico and opens the door for him tocome back in] Come on.
[Confused, Nico enters the diner and Pete gives himback his apron.]
Al: Well, maybe there IS something I can do.
Pete: [abruptly takes the apron back from Nico andpushes him out the door again] All right, go. Out!
[Nico, thoroughly confused, exits willingly andresumes his place outside the diner window, peering inforlornly, as Pete listens to Al’s proposal.]
Al: Now, I got a couple of nine-month-old GermanShepherds I’m having some problems with. I’ll put themboth in here. I’ll only charge you forty-five dollars.
Al: [irritated] There’s no way I can put two dogs inhere for twenty dollars a week. It costs me that muchjust to feed ’em.
Pete: Uhhhh… Twenty-two.
Al: [exasperated] All right, look. I’m sorry.Forty-five is the absolute minimum price. If youchange your mind, here’s my card. [hands Pete abusiness card and exits the diner]
Pete: [with a jerk of his head, calls out] Nico! [Nicoenters hesitantly, unsure of Pete’s intentions] Comeon. Come on! [throws apron to Nico, both men return totheir places behind the counter] All right. [to femalecustomer who nods] Everything all right? [to fussyeater] Huh? You got it?
[Just then, George places a cheeseburger in front of fussy eater.]
Fussy Eater: [indignant, to Pete] Hey, wait. Thischeeseburger wasn’t broiled. I just saw him take itoff the grill.
Pete: [to fussy eater, trying to change the subject]What to drink?
Fussy Eater: [insistent] I ordered a broiledhamburger. This is not a broiled hamburger.
Pete: Okay, okay, what do you want to drink? Come on,come on, come on.
Fussy Eater: I’m afraid if I order a Coke, I’ll get a Pepsi.
Pete: No Coke. Pepsi.
Fussy Eater: [upset] Okay! Pepsi!
Pete: [yells to Nico] Pepsi! [But Nico isn’t payingattention] Pepsiiiiii! [still no response, Pete grabsa menu from the counter and starts whacking Nico withit] Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi!
Nico: [wearily] Pepsi…
Sandy: [yells to George] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Director (“Bri”)…..Bill Murray Tommy…..Tom Schiller Cheryl…..Gilda Radner Gwen…..Jane Curtin Howard…..Buck Henry Roy…..Garrett Morris
[ open on a film set, decorated like a suburban living room. Tommy stands off to one side as the Director enters ]
Director: Tommy? Get me out of here in a hurry, okay? I want to get out to the track! [ to Cheryl ] Okay! Cheryl! Sweetheart! Let’s have you here! [ Cheryl steps up ] Okay, Kitten — in this scene, you’re the spoiled little girl, okay? Every time you get a new toy, you either break it or throw it away — or get bored with it right away, okay?
Director: Okay. And you’re the same way with your little puppy, alright? You wanted it, you promised to take care of it, but then it was too much work, okay?
Cheryl: How old am I supposed to be?
Director: Uh, ten years old, okay?
Cheryl: I’m TWELVE?
Director: Okay… [ he squooshes her face ] but do you think you could play a spoiled little ten year old?!
Cheryl: [ muffled ] I think so…!
Director: Good! Isn’t she a little pill, everybody? Great! [ he releases her face ] Okay! Now, Gwen, please, may I have you? [ Gwen steps up ] In this scene, you’re the permissive mother, okay? You let your daughter get away with EVERYTHING, alright?
Gwen: Oh! Sounds like my own home! [ she laughs ]
Director: [ mock-laughing ] Terrific, honey. Howard, where are you?
Howard: Yes, yes, yes! [ he runs up ]
Director: Come here you, my psychotic father of this scene! Alright! Okay. You’re psychotic…
Howard: Yes, yes!
Director: You hate your wife…
Director: The only reason the marriage is still together is because of the little one.
Director: And you hate her.
Director: Because she’s spoiled.
Director: So who do you take it out on? The defenseless little puppy.
Howard: Gotcha, right!
Director: I knew you would! [ he rubs Howard’s head ] Come on! Right! Okay, let’s bring in…?
Roy: [ carrying puppy ] Roy.
Director: Roy! Alright, good to meet ya’, fellow! [ he rubs Roy’s head ] Okay, terrific! How is Sparky today? [ to Sparky ] Hey, fella! [ he composes himself ] Now, Roy… in this scene, I want Sparky to play the helpless, unloved puppy. No one’s taking care of him, no one’s training him…
Director: He’s confused, he’s nervous. So… he takes a doo doo on the rug. Can Sparky do that?
Roy: He sure can! Now, you heard the man, Sparky! When I do this… [ he holds up two fingers ] You make doo doo on the rug, okay?
Director: Ahhh, thatta boy! Thanks, Roy, you’re amazing! OKay, places, everybody, please! Tommy, come in here and do me a favor! [ Tommy enters with clapper ] Will you roll ’em for me? [ he steps aside ] Slate it, Tommy!
Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 3, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]
Director: Alright, settle in! [ the domestic scene focuses ] And… ACTION!
[ the little girl plays with the puppy on the floor, as her parents sit behind her on the sofa ]
Howard: Marilyn? I thought I told you NOT to bring the dog into the living room?!
Cheryl: Ohhh, please?
Howard: No! I don’t want it on the new carpet! Now, take it out!
Gwen: Ohhhh, let her keep it in here, it’ll be okay.
[ offstage, Roy holds up two fingers, as Sparky whines and takes a doo doo ]
Cheryl: Uh-oh! Dad! Look what the dog did!
Howard: [ irked ] Okay, Marilyn! YOU clean it up!
Cheryl: I don’t wanna!
Howard: Now, listen! You PROMISED me that you would take care of that stupid dog! Now you CLEAN IT UP!!
Gwen: She’s only ten years old! You CAN’T expect her to clean it up!
Howard: Alright, then — YOU clean it up! The dog was YOUR idea!
Gwen: I can’t! I vomit!
Howard: [ he throws his newspaper down ] Okay, I suppose I’LL have to clean up after it again! THIS IS IT!! I’m getting RID of this damn dog!!
Cheryl: Well, I don’t care!! ‘Cause I don’t WANT it any more, anyway! [ she storms out of the room ]
Gwen: Now you’ve upset her! Marilyn, honey![ she runs after her daughter ]
Howard: [ picking up the dog ] This is just unbelievable! I don’t know WHAT to do! [ the dog doo doos in his hands ] What?! You stupid MUTT! You’re doing it again! No! No! I said stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!! [ he raises the dog over his head and freezes ]
[ Roy rushes forward and retrieves the puppy from Howard’s hands ]
Director: Okay, bring in the stunt puppy!
[ Roy rushes the puppy to safety ]
Director: Okay, that was very sweet. Very tasty, Howard.
Director: Thank you. Appreciate it. [ as Roy returns with the stunt puppy ] What have we got here? Perfect match! Must be from the same littler.
Roy: Yeah! This, uh — this is, uh, Tippy!
Director: [ to Tippy ] Heyyyy, Tippy! Mr. Tough Guy, huh? How are ya’! [ he grabs the dog’s paw ] Okay, Tipster… Brian, here, is gonna throw you around a little bit. And, when he does, I want you to squeal. Can we hear a squeal?
Roy: Oh, sure!
[ sound effect of a dog squealing over close-up of the puppy ]
Director: Beautiful! Tippy, how are your ears? Are they strong?
Roy: Oh, sure! He’s got strong ears, strong tail — you can do ANYTHING to him!
[ no one is more excited to hear this than Howard ]
Director: Great! Terrific! Okay, places, everybody! Tommy! I’m gonna FINE you a hundred dollars — and everyone on my set — for not noticing my new haircut! [ he gives Tommy a noogie and laughs ] Now, get outta here, all of you! Okay! Would you please do mr a favor, and slate it for me, Tommy?
Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 4, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ] [ scene resumes with Howard kneeling next to the puppy at the couch ]
Director: Start whimpering, Tippy! [ the puppy begins to whimper ] And ACTION!!
Howard: CUT IT OUT, CUT IT OUT!! [ he grabs the puppy’s leash and yanks him in a circle around the living room ] I said STOP IT!! [ he kicks the puppy across the room and lets it ricchochet back from the leash ] I said STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!! [ he begins to throw the puppy at the furniture, never letting go of the leash ] STOP IT!! [ with one final twirl of the leash, he throws the puppy hrough the front window, shattering the glass ]
Director: [ toward the window ] Heyyyyy! How’s Tippy back there? Can we get somebody to go check on Tippy?
[ Roy passes behind the set and holds the puppy up ]
Roy: He’s alright!
Director: Ahhhh, that’s a pal, huh? Come here, big guy! [ he scoops the puppy into his arms ] Oh, that was terrific, fella! Hey — I want to work with you again! That’s a promise! That’s a wrap, everybody! Let’s get some sleep. Eight o’clock tomorrow, for the cockfight.
Mr. Dantley: [ enters shop ] Hello? Excuse me, could you give me a hand, please? I need some help.
Announcer: And now, another episode of..
[ SUPER: “Samurai TV Repairman” ]
Announcer: ..”Samurai TV Repairman”.
Mr. Dantley: Boy, am I glad I found a shop that was open this late.
Samurai: [ grunts ]
Mr. Dantley: Yes, I know. I’ve gotta have this set fixed. Tonight. So I can watch the Play-Offs tomorrow.
Samurai: [ mimes basketball action ]
Mr. Dantley: That’s right. I’ve got $100 riding on the Bullets. The way I see it, if Unsel can control the boards, and Hays is hitting from the outside.. You see what I mean.
Mr. Dantley: Anyway, look at this thing. I’ve got no sound, and I’ve got no picture.
Samurai: [ plays with tubes ]
Mr. Dantley: Well, what is it?
Samurai: [ opens up TV from the back and points ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah.. just, what, does it need a tube? [ Samurai grunts ] I-I mean, a transistor. I just don’t understand it, it’s.. it’s a relatively new set. See, here’s the Inspector’s tag. Uh.. it doesn’t do me much good to know that the Inspector’s number is, uh.. 68.. because the factory’s all the way in Japan.
Samurai: [ panic grows on face ]
Mr. Dantley: 68? I’d like to get my hands on #68.
Samurai: My Momma-son!!
Mr. Dantley: What?
Samurai: My Momma-son!!
Mr. Dantley: Inspector 68 is your mother?
Samurai: My Momma-son!!
Mr. Dantley: I don’t know what’s the matter with-
Samurai: [ takes out small dagger and prepares to stab himself in the chest ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, well, wait a minute.. wait a minute.. [ turns tag upside-down ] It’s 89. my mistake.
Samurai: [ relieved, puts dagger away ]
Mr. Dantley: Anyway.. the point is, I’ve really gotta have it fixed by tomorrow, because.. I’ve got everything ready for tomorrow. You know what I mean? I ordered a pizza.. I have some beer in the refrigerator.. my girl is coming over, so..
Samurai: [ slides dagger in and out of holder strpaped around his waist ]
Mr. Dantley: Exactly my point! Anyway.. you mind if I ask you what kind of training you’ve had for this business? I mean, did you go to school for this sort of thing?
Samurai: [ indicates diploma on wall ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah. Famous TV Repairman’s School of West Port, Connecticut. Black-and-white only. Black-and-white only? Hey, listen, uh.. this is a color set. If you went to that school, what do you know about fixing a color set?
Samurai: [ points to his eyes ]
Mr. Dantley: Your eyes are brown..
Samurai: [ points to skin ]
Mr. Dantley: Your skin is yellow..
Samurai: [ points to kimono ]
Mr. Dantley: Your kimono is blue..
Mr. Dantley: Ah. Well, that’s great. I know what color you are, but what about my set? I’ll tell you – I noticed that sometimes, when I sort of hit the side, the picture will come up.
Samurai: [ taps TV with his fist ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah, a little rap on the side. Just a little.. tap on the side, that’s all.
Samurai: [ screams, throws TV to the floor, then hacks it with a slice from his sword ]
Mr. Dantley: [ alarmed ] Hey, what are you doing to my set?! What kind of way is that to fix it?!
Samurai: [ picks up TV from floor, which now makes a sound, accompanied by scrambled test pattern ]
Mr. Dantley: That’s fantastic! You’ve restored the sound.. but what about the picture? [ Samurai grunts ] Yes. Exactly. Yeah.
Samurai: [ sticks two small Samurai swords through the back of TV, then jiggles until a clear picture appears ]
Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of..
[ SUPER: “Samurai TV Repairman” ]
Announcer: ..”Samurai TV Repairman”.
[ cut to close-up of audience member, “Has Fantasies Rated G” superimposed in front of her ]
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce…..Dan Aykroyd Mayor Abanasher…..Buck Henry Ashmore…..John Belushi Noab…..Bill Murray Sodomite #1…..Garrett Morris Fellow Sodomites…..Andy Murphy, Mitchell Laurance Song and Dance Girls…..Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner
[ open on close-up of Sodom Chamber of Commerce banner, with SUPER: “Sodom, 2003 B.C.” ] [ pull back to reveal Chamber members talking amongst themselves ]
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: [ banging gavel ] Alright, settle down, gentlemen! Well, as the Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce, it’s always a pleasure to welcome our Mayor. You all know him — he’s a friend, a neighbor, and a great Sodomite. Gentlmen, please welcome Abanasher.
[ the Chamber members applaud as the Mayor rises ]
Mayor Abanasher: Gentlemen, thank you. I’d like to talk to you today about a problem that I consider the most serious problem facing our city. I’ve just returned from a trip that took me all around the Plain of Jordan. I regret to inform that Sodom… has a TERRIBLE reputation. [ the Chamber reacts ] I’m afraid it’s true, gemtlemen. When people of the empire think of Sodom, what’s the first thing that comes to their minds? Sodomy. [ the Chamber members nod ] Sodomy, sodomy, sodomy!
Ashmore: Well, what’s wrong with that? I mean, sodomy is what put us on the map!
[ the Chamber members agree ]
Mayor Abanasher: That’s fine for you to say, Ashmore, because you’re a pharmacist. The point is: I’m the Mayor of this city, and I’m faced with a financial crisis, and every time I go to the government for loans, they say to me, “Why should we give aid to a city so debaucehd and so vile?”
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Vile? What’s vile about sodomy?
Mayor Abanasher: You have no argument from me on that! All I’m saying is that we ought to be concerned about the kind of image we project to out-of-towners. You know, there’s a lot of Samarians and Azarians who are spending their zuzan in Gomorrah. That’s why I’ve invited a guest here tonight — Noab the Hissite. Now, Noah created the campaign to turn Gomorrah around. He’s got some really great ideas, so please hear him out. Gentlemen, I give you… Noab!
[ the Chamber members applaud Noab, as he rises ]
Noab: Thanks, Abanasher! Gentlemen. You know, I was looking over your official city brochure. Now… what kind of city slogan is this: [ reading ] “You have to be crazy to live in Sodom — crazy about sodomy!” Now… if you’re going to attract investment, if you expect to have your bid for the Olympics taken seriously, you’re gonna have to play down the sodomy!
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: “Play down”? Come on! What do you think brings the conventions in here? A guy lookimh for a place he can gamble, practice gluttony, worship a flase idol or two… and have a little sodomy! He automatically thinks of Sodom!
Ashmore: He’s got a point there!
Noab: Alright, now look at Gomorrah, okay? Now, they’re every bit as wicked as you people, but it’s just not the main thrust of their publicity. They emphasize more conventional things. I think Sodom should, too.
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Oh, like what?
Noab: Well, like the park. Like the museums. Like your restaurants. LIke your theater district.
Sodomite #1: Oh, yeah… and the human sacrifice!
Noab: No, no, no… You see, people around the empire, they sort of perceive the human sacrifice, not as a civic attraction, but as another one of the wicked things about Sodom!
Ashmore: We don’t want to look like goodie goodies.
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: No, Ashmore, you needn’t worry about that. Anyone who’s really interested in sodom, they know to come here — word-of-mouth will take care of that. I think that what Noab is saying is that we don’t have to bend over backwards to advertise it.
Noab: Exactly! Exactly! All we want people to know is that they can come to Sodom, check into a hotel, visit a museum or a gallery in the afternoon, have a nice dinner in a fine restaurant in the evening, and then, if they want it, the sodomy is there.
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Gentlemen, Noab tells me that he has conceived a massive publicity campaign for Sodom’s new image.
Head of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce: Alright, Noab, can you give us a sample?
Noab: Alright, gentlemen. I think this is a concept that you’re going to love. [ calling out ] Kids?
[ three Song and Dance girls come out to perform ]
Song and Dance Girls: [ singing ]“IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm! IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm! IIIIIII love Sodommmmmmm!”
[ pull back on wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Do Termites Play House?” ] [ fade ]
…..Richard Dreyfuss Dr. Candice Brightman…..Laraine Newman Dr. Judd Quimson…..Bill Murray Dr. Francine Shoes…..Gilda Radner Dr. Herbert Rice…..Garrett Morris
[ open on “Sex Test” title card ] [ dissolve to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: Good evening. This is Richard Dreyfuss. Our show is called “The Sex Test”. It is designed to promote good sexual health by dealing with some of the most common questions and misconceptions surrounding sex. Where needed, we will have amplication from psychologists and sex specialists. Sex is a delicate subject, and as such, we do advise parental discretion in viewing. It should be noted that sex education is preferable to sexual ignorance. And if you remove the children from the room, they’ll probably turn out as screwed up as you are.
Let’s move on to our first question: “How many times a week should a couple have sex if they’ve been married for 8 years?”
a) 4 Times b) 8 Times c) 16 Times
B — 8 Times is correct. [ ding ]
“How many times a week should a couple have se if they’ve been married 16 years?”
a) 4 Times b) 8 Times c) 16 Times
C — 16 Times. [ ding ] Very surprising. Yes, you should have sex as many times each week as the number of years in your marriage. Which is why the average marriage lasts only 15 years.
“In sex, does it matter if the woman is not satisfied — Yes or No?”
The answer… is “No.” [ ding ] Dr. Candice Brightman, of UCLA?
[ cut to Dr. Candice Brightman ]
Dr. Candice Brightman: Uh — this has been a source of confusion for many years, but we know that it is perfectly normal for a man not to care about a woman’s pleasure, just so long as he drains the lizard. Uh — this does not mean that a man shouldn’t feel bad later, and, uh, go out and buy his mate a nice gift.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “How many climaxes are in a woman’s multiple climax?”
a) 2 to 5 b) 12 to 16 c) Hundreds and Hundreds d) An infinite number
The answer… is C. [ ding ] Hundreds and Hundreds. Dr. Judd Quimson, Sociology Advisor to Penthouse Magazine.
[ cut to Dr. Judd Quimson ]
Dr. Judd Quimson: [ breathing heavily ] It’s a multiple! You know, it’s hundreds and hundreds! I mean, what’s the point, otherwise? If one of my girlfriends has, say, you know, only 30 climaxes… I feel like a real creep! I go out and buy her a nice gift.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “The proper thing to say after a man’s premature climax is:
a) Wait ’til the girls hear about this b) Can I get you anything else? c) You selfish pork face now I’ll never be satisfied
C… is the correct answer! [ ding ] Here is Dr. Francine Shoes of the Yorkies Primate Research Center… to explain why.
[ cut to Dr. Francine Shoes ]
Dr. Francine Shoes: When a man has a premature climax, he has a tendency to lie there like a beached whale. He can even fall asleep and forget that you had sex. But, by calling attention to the situation by yelling at him: “You selfish pork face! Now I’ll never be satisfied!”, he’ll roll over and become aware that you have needs, too. And he’ll probably go out and buy you a nice gift!
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “Who discovered genitalia?”
a) The Dutch b) George Washington Carver c) The Earl of Sandwich
B — George Washington Carver is the correct answer. [ ding ] Dr. Herbert Rice, author of “I’m Normal, You’re Normal”.
[ cut to Dr. Herbert Rice ]
Dr. Herbert Rice: Uh — genitalia have their origin in the fertile crescent in Africa. BUT — it wasn’t until the late 19th Century that, uh, they were discovered by George Washington Carver, the man who did more with the peanut than any man in history.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “What is the Latin plural of coius interruptus?”
a) Coiti interrupti b) Coitus interruptibus c) Coiti interruptarum d) In coitus maximus or e) None of the above
None! [ ding ] The correct plural of Coitus Interruptus is… Twins.
That’s all the time we have for tonight’s Sex Test, I hope you found it helpful. I’ve got a date… [ he reaches down ] and, fortunately, I have a nice gift, too! [ he holds up a wrapped gift ] Thank you and good night!
[ dissolve to title card ] [ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Shouts Obscenities at House Plants” ] [ fade ]
Steve Martin: I’d like to talk seriously just for a moment. One of the great art exhibitions ever to tour the United States is the Treasures of Tutankhamen – or King Tut. But I think it’s a national disgrace the way we have commercialized it with trinkets and toys, T-shirts and posters. And three months ago I was up in the woods, and I wrote a song. I tried to use the ancient modalities and melodies. I’d like to do it for you right now. Maybe we can all learn something.
Steve Martin: (King Tut. King Tut.) Now when he was a young man, he never thought he’d see People stand in line to see the boy king.
(King Tut) How’d you get so funky? (Funky Tut) Did you do the monkey? (Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia King Tut)
Now if I’d known they’d line up just to see him I’d have taken all my money and bought me a museum.
(King Tut) Buried with a donkey. (King Tut) He’s my favorite honky (Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia King Tut)
(Tut! Tut!) Dancing by the Nile! (Disco Tut! Tut!) The ladies love his style! (Boss Tut! Tut!) Walkin’ for a mile. (Rockin’ Tut! Tut!) He ate a crocodile. (Oooooh, wah-ooooh) He gave his life for tourism.
[ saxophonist pop out of crypt for a solo ]
Steve Martin: [ places electric blender at saxophonist’s feet ]Golden Idols! He’s an Egyptian!
Steve Martin: Now when I die, now don’t think I’m a nut Don’t want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut! (King Tut) He could have won a Grammy. (King Tut) Buried in his jammies. (Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia Born in Arizona)
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by Kierke Guard, the deodorant for sweaty, Danish philosophers. Here are anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd.
[Cut to Dan]
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Dan Aykroyd.
[Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin. Before we start, I’d like to take a moment to respond to some mail that we’ve received. Many of you have explained at times that I act in less than a professional manner. You say I become bitchy and lose my cool, hollering at Emily Litella or John Belushi or Roseanne Roseannadanna. You’re probably right. I do have some things that have been bothering [me] lately. Uh, my mother has Legionnaire’s Disease, but still, there is no reason letting my personal life interfere with my job as a responsible journalist, and I apologize. Never again will you see me lose my dignity by overreacting to any of my fellow correspondents, no matter how feeble they may be. [Raises her right hand] That’s a promise.
[Cut to Dan]
Dan Aykroyd: [nodding] Very well put, Jane. I’m, ah, sorry to hear about your mom. I was wondering why you were so cranky. I thought maybe you might be going through menopause.
[Audience laughter. Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: [smiling] No. Our top story tonight:
According to doctors at McGill University in Montreal, a substance called gum tragacanth, a thickening agent found in McDonald’s hamburger sauce — if you’re allergic to it — can cause itching, abdominal pain, a shortness of breath, a hives-like swelling of face, arms and trunk, and breathing difficulty due to a swollen larynx. A spokesman for McDonald’s reportedly commented “We do it all for you.”
The Environmental Protection Agency has ordered the American Motors Corporation to recall its entire output of 1976 cars due to a faulty pollution-control system. The offending devices have been snapped up by New York City slumlords, who will install them as air conditioners in substandard housing.
Dan Aykroyd: [clears his throat] The Treasury has just released the new metric conversion terms for American Federal Reserve currency, which will come into effect in 1981. The dollar will still be called the dollar, but quarters will be called quart-dollars, dimes will be deca-dollars, nickels will be penta-dollars, and pennies will be called hi-how-do-ya-do’s. No explanation was given.
Jane Curtin: And now, with this week’s review, here’s stargazer Bill Murray. Bill?
[Camera pans over to Bill Murray as audience applauds]
Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. Well, just like all the other critics in this country, I gave my Oscar predictions the week before the Academy Awards. But unlike all those other critics, tonight I’m here to ‘fess up on just how badly I did. Uh, pretty damn badly, I’m afraid. Other than Diane Keaton’s nod for Best Actress, the party animal here completely struck out. Not that I wasn’t pleased to see the Wood-man snag a couple. Hey, class move not to show up, Wood-man, I loved it. I was just surprised that Hollywood had the good sense to give ’em to him. But I must say I was disappointed by the Best Actor selection. Like so many people around this show, I expected Richard Burton to take it for what I understand was a superb performance in Equus. Uh, when Richard Dreyfuss won, I asked Warner Brothers to send over a clip to see if I was wrong. Here’s a clip, Goodbye Girl. Can we show it, please?
[Cut to clip labeled “The Goodbye Girl.” Instead of Richard Dreyfuss and Marsha Mason, the clip features John Belushi and Gilda Radner portraying the film’s main characters, Elliot Garfield and Paula McFadden]
Elliot Garfield: By the way, I sleep in the nude, naked, au naturel, ah-buffo! Them’s my rules, and that’s the way it’s gonna be! [breathes deeply] And another thing, [removes panties from the shower curtain rod] I don’t…like…the panties…hanging…on…the rod! [Hands the panties to Paula as the camera zooms in to a close-up of her face] [Cut to different scene from the movie]
Elliot Garfield: What do you know? You’re ten years old. Three more years you wanna drive or then you burrrrn.
[Cut to bathroom, where Paula is finishing washing her face. As she turns to leave, Elliot hands her a towel and kisses her]
Paula McFadden: Don’t you ever do that again! [Turns around to dry her face with the towel]
Elliot Garfield: Ooo, your lips say “no-no-no,” but your eyes say “yes-yes-yes”! [Elliot kisses Paula on the back of the shoulder. Scene freezes. Dissolve back to Bill Murray as audience applauds]
Bill Murray: Uh, I’m sorry, but to all my good friends at the Academy, I still have to say uh-uh, no, no way. Richard, Drey, we have seen these movies before, all of them. This is the same Dreyfuss I saw in Jaws, American Graffiti and Duddy Kravitz. Well, actually, I didn’t see Graffiti and Kravitz, but this is what I heard, so…. Anyway, you are letting yourself slide, dude. You’re fat now! Disgustingly fat! Now get into shape or quit the business! Do you wanna do that, Richard? Diiiick? Lumpy, come on! All right, that’s the Richard I think I know. For those of you who don’t agree with me: I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. Now get outta here, ya knuckleheads, I mean it. Back to the original knucklehead, Jane, will you pass this on to Danny for me? [Bill gives Jane a noogie] You knucklehead! Pass it on! [applause]
Jane Curtin: [Smiles as Bill exits] Dan?
[Cut to Dan in front of an image of a policeman grabbing a protester on the face]
Dan Aykroyd: Thank you. Last week in Houston, Texas, a disturbance broke out during a demonstration marking the death of a Mexican-American who died last year while in police custody. Houston officials laughed off the incident, advised rioters to do the same, and as seen here, sent police in to teach the Mexican-Americans how to smile. Jane?
[Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: This week, the Air Force reported two UFOs off the coast of Florida. Here to comment further on this phenomenon is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.
[Applause as the camera pans over to Roseanne]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks, Jane. Mr. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey, writes in and says: “Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, Do you believe in UFOs? Have you ever seen a UFO? Have you had a contact with a UFO? Have you ever been beyond and back? Did you see Star Wars? Do you believe that we are not alone?” Mr. Feder, you ask a lotta questions for someone from New Jersey. But I know what you’re askin’ because once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, saw somethin’ that drove me crazy! It was a hot and clammy summer night, and I was sittin’ alone in my apartment. And I said to myself “Roseanne Roseannadanna, what you need is a ride in the country.” So, I got in my car and I start drivin’. And I love to drive, ’cause my car got an FM radio that I sing with. And I don’t wanna brag, but when I sing in my car, I sound just like Connie Francis! Well, it’s around ten o’clock at night. I didn’t know it, but off to the side of the road, there’s this drive-in movie theater, and they were showin’ this X-rated French movie called Le Sex Shop. And I was just ridin’ along, singin’ a song when all of a sudden, peekin’ through the trees, I saw the world’s biggest buttocks! Two big cheeks that was bouncin’ over the expressway. I thought I was gonna die! There it was in living color, a rectal eclipse! And underneath, there was words, you know, like, ah, subtitles? And this backside is talkin’ to me, sayin’ “Do you love me? I love you. Can you touch me, please. Hold me closer, darlin’. Kiss me, my honeybear.” I couldn’t believe it! Jane, tell me, did a rear end ever talk to you?
Jane Curtin: [Forcing herself to smile and remain calm] No, I-I don’t believe one ever has, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Boy, you sure are in a good mood today.
Jane Curtin: Yes I am, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well good, because, you know, Jane, you know what really makes me sick? Did you ever, like, get a little piece o’ stuff, like, in the corner of your eye, you know, and you take it out and go “What is this? Did this come outta me, you know? Where am I gonna put it?” Then you start–you just start rollin’ it around and rollin’ it around, rollin’ around your finger and you think “Where am I gonna put it?” You think “Where am I gonna put it?” And then, it doesn’t matter where you’re gonna put it ’cause when you look it disappears! [Looking at Jane] Where does that thing go?
Jane Curtin: I’m sorry, I don’t know, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [pointing to Jane’s eyes] Well, you better start thinkin’ about it ’cause you got a little piece o’ stuff right there. [Roseanne puts her arm around Jane] You know, Jane, I never noticed this, but, you know, you got a little moustache right there! Yeah, look at Jane, got a cute little tiny soft baby moustache right all blonde and cute and everything. [Jane starts to get annoyed] You know, you better not shave that ’cause it’ll grow back all black and thick and everything, okay?
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Aw, you’re welcome. You’re real wel–you know, you’re a very, very pretty girl. Very pretty. You know, I want you to tell me somethin’ just between you an’ me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, [pointing to Jane’s breasts] are both o’ your things the same size?
Jane Curtin: [Rips open her shirt to reveal her bra] CHECK FOR YOURSELF, ROSEANNE! [Roseanne puts her head in her hands as Jane recloses her shirt] I prom-I promised myself and my audience…that I wouldn’t lower myself to a level of the likes of you. Rectal eclipses, stuff that disappear when you put it in your fingers. I tried to contain myself when you took me apart piece by piece in front of millions of people. But I guess I’m just not that strong.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes ta show ya, it’s always something. And you know something? I thought you were a lot bigger than that. [Jane gasps and puts her head in her hands] Good night, have a pleasant tomorrow!
[Applause. Weekend Update theme plays. Roseanne waves. Dan tries to comfort Jane as she cringes. Fade]