Judge…..John Belushi Mike McMack…..Steve Martin Miss Kazursky…..Gilda Radner Prosecutor…..Bill Murray Rapist…..Garrett Morris
[ open on courtroom drama scene ]
Judge: [ banging gavel ] Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please! One more outburst like that, and I’ll have this courtroom waived! Begin again, Counselor.
Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, you were telling the court that my client, who has no previous record of sex offenses, walked up two flights of stairs, picked out your apartment, lured you into opening the door, and then forcibly raped you?!
Miss Kazursky: Yes!
Announcer: And now it’s time for another law adventure with “Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer”.
Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, what were you wearing when you opened that door?
Miss Kazursky: My flannel nightgown.
Mike McMack: Ah. And what were you doing in a flannel nightie.. at four in the afternoon?
Miss Kazursky: Well, I-I was taking a bath.. and I heard a knock at the door.
Mike McMack: Ah. I see. You hear a knock at the door. So you stand up, stark-naked, the water and soap suds glistening on your supple breasts. Quickly, you rub yourself with a towel, then dance across the room, your nipples hardening in the breeze. Slipping on a soft, flimsy negligee, you run to the door and open it in anticipation! Is that correct!
Miss Kazursky: [ shocked ] Wha.. what..? Sort of.. I-I-I-
Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, is it not true, that in 1971, you were.. divorced?
Miss Kazursky: [ stammering ] Yeah! But-but I don’t see what that has anything to do with-
Mike McMack: Now, Miss Kazursky, remember you are under oath. In the last six years, have you had.. sex?
Miss Kazursky: Well, I-I-I’m 35 years old-
Mike McMack: Just answer the question, yes or no!!
Miss Kazursky: Y-yes..
Mike McMack: How many times, Miss Kazursky?
Miss Kazursky: Well, uh.. uh..
Objection! Your Honor, Mr. McMack is pursuing an irrelevant line of questioning!
Mike McMack: Your Honor, what my distinguished colleague does not understand is that.. [ rubs Judge’s head ] ..what I am trying to do is establish, in a logical, coherent manner, that the witness is a cheap tart!
Miss Kazursky: [ crying ]
Mike McMack: [ chuckles with delight ] Now, Miss Kazurksy, how many times did you have sex between 1971 and last night?
Miss Kazursky: Thirty-eight!
[ courtroom murmurs ]
Mike McMack: Thir-ty-eight. Gentlemen of the jury – 38. not.. five.. not sev-en! Thir-ty-eight. And did you bring these men to your apartment.
Miss Kazursky: It wasn’t 38 men, it was 38 times!
Mike McMack: Just answer the question yes or no! did you bring these men to your apartment!
Miss Kazursky: Well.. yes!
Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, in 1965, were you involved in a civil rights organization?
Prosecutor: Oh, come on!
Mike McMack: [ chuckles heartily ] And why did you work there?
Miss Kazursky: I wanted to help blacks register.
Mike McMack: You wanted to help the black man!
Miss Kazursky: I wanted to help-
Mike McMack: And that’s exactly what went through your mind as you opened the door in that flimsy negligee!!
Miss Kazursky: [ crying ] No! No!
Mike McMack: I have no further questions, your Honor, no more!!
Judge: [ banging gavel ] Order! Order, gentlemen!
Prosecutor: Your Honor, the witness is too emotionally disturbed to continue, may I move for a recess! Please!
Judge: Okay, court will recess until tomorrow morning at 9 am. [exits courtroom ]
Mike McMack: Good night, Tom. See you later.
Prosecutor: [ approaches his client at the stand ] Miss Kazursky, I’m sorry that you were made to feel as if you were on trial here, instead of that.. that rapist. Oh, well, get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?
[ Prosecutor approaches McMack ]
Prosecutor: McMack! Great job.
Mike McMack: Thanks.
Prosecutor: You made me look like an amateur out there!
Mike McMack: Part of my job.
Prosecutor: And the way you turned the race thing around, to make her look like the bad guy. That was brilliant! I tell you, Mike, I’d give anything to beat you just once!
Mike McMack: Hey – maybe when I get a client who isn’t guilty!
[ they laugh ] [ McMack walks over to Miss Kazursky, who’s still bawling her eyes out at the stand ]
Mike McMack: Hey, what are you doing tonight? [ no response ] You’re not still mad about this trial thing, are you? Come on, it’s the way I make a buck! Come on, let me take you out for a big steak, what do you say?
Miss Kazursky: How can you talk to me that way? You put me on trial here, when I’m innocent! You humiliate me, and you let that man go free when he raped me! Is that what you learned in Law School?!!
[ Miss Kazursky exits the courtroom, leaving McMack alone with his thoughts ]
Mike McMack: Gee.. maybe she’s right. Maybe I got off the track somewhere along the line, in the pursuit of a buck. Maybe I.. lost sight of my ideals. [ thinks ] Naaaaahhhhh!
Announcer: Be sure to join us next week, when McMack takes on a case for Evil Knievel, in.. “Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer”.
Steve Martin: [ singing ]“Oh, the shark bites with its teeth, yeah! And it keeps them.. pearly white!
Oh, the shark bites with its teeth, yeah! And it keeps them.. pearly white!
Oh, the shark bites with its teeth, yeah! And it keeps them.. pearly white!
Oh, the shark bites with its teeth, yeah! And it keeps them — hit it, boys! — outta sight!”
[ Steve stops singing, turns to look at the band ]
You guys stuck-up or something?
Well, good evening! [ the band drops a note ] That’s okay! Hey – welcome to “Saturday Night”. I know what you’re saying, you’re saying, “Hey! Wait a minute. Steve’s wearing loafers. No laces on his shoes” [ breaks into song ] “Born to be wi-i-i-ild!”
I know a lot of you people are sitting out there saying to yourselves, “Steve – you’re a rambling guy. Is it tough for you, traveling from town to town, staying in different hotels every night, all alone, not with your friends?” Well, I’ve kind of worked that out now, I’ve got a whole new policy. Like, I came into New York early this morning, bought a house. Met a cute gal, got married. We had a little baby, another one on the way. Tomorrow: wake up, have a home-cooked meal, sell the house, get a divorce, and get on to the next town. So, this is what Steve is doing now.
So, I have a comedy album out now, called “Let’s Get Small”. And the only reason I mention that is I’ll be doing some television to promote it, you can kind of keep a lookout for it. I’ll be doing “Bowling For Dollars” next week – it’s a good show, my agent says it’s a good show. And we’ve got “Crosswits” coming up.. “Liars Club” – and, it’s easy for me to get on all these shows now, because I did so well on “Celebrity Cokeheads”. Excuse me.. boy oh boy, are my lips chapped! [ applies chapstick, then pretends to inhale it ]
Boy oh boy, I am so mad at Farrah Fawcett-Majors. She is so conceited. She has never called me once And after the hours I’ve spent holding up her poster with one hand! Geez!
Okay! Hey, does anybody know where I can get some cat handcuffs? I’ve gotta get a pair of cat handcuffs. Either two little ones like this, to go around the little paws.. or a big one that hooks onto my arm and then hooks onto the cat. I found out my cat was embezzling from me, so I’ve gotta get a little pair.. of cat handcuffs, so.. Well, I found out that when I’m away, he goes to the mailbox, picks up the checks, take them down to the bank and cashes them. The way I caught him, I went out to his little house, where he sleeps at night, and there was like $3,000 worth of cat toys out there. And you can’t return them, because they have spit all over them.. I don’t know where he is now, I guess he went out to Catalina, or something like that, I don’t know.. [ audience groans slightly ] No. He bought a catamaran, and went out.. [ audience groans again ] No, he got it out of a catalog.. [ groans ] This is a catastrophe! Hey, just remember – comedy is not pretty!
Alright, folks, we’ve got a great show tonight – we have Jackson Browne and his band. A great new comedy team – Franken & Davis! And we’ll be back right after this message!
Alice Sloan…..Laraine Newman Roy Orbison…..John Belushi Manager…..Bill Murray Bandleader…..Howard Shore
[ open on title card ] [ dissolve to Alice Sloan sitting cross-legged in chair ]
Alice Sloan: Hi! I’m Alice Sloan, and this is “Great Moments In Rock”. I’m so freaked out about doing this show, I mean… my whole life has been Rock! God, I hope I can get this out before those ‘ludes kck on. I mean, I was never really a groupie or anything, but I did grow up in Los Angeles and got to know about two or three-thousand musicians personally. One rock stare that I especially remember was the man who wore these shades: [ she holds up Roy Orbison’s sunglasses on a plaque ] Roy Orbison. Of course, when you say “Roy Orbison”, everybody thinks of two things: he always stood perfectly still when he sang, and he always wore these dark glasses. It was in 1964, and I was ready to do ANYTHING to get those shades. We got really close one night in L.A., and I think it must have freaked Roy out a LOT, because, the next thing I knew, he was in Memphis.
[ the screen separates to find Roy Orbison standing on a Memphis stage with his manager ]
Manager: Roy. Roy, I gotta talk to you, boy. Now, as your manager, I’ve given you good advice on at least two occasions. Now, it was my idea for you to be a wooden man, you know stand perfectly still while you sing, right?
Roy Orbison: That’s right!
Manager: And who came up with the concept of you always wearing the dark glasses?
Roy Orbison: Well, I guess it was mainly your idea.
Manager: Right. Well, I’m gonna give you one more piece of advice: DUMP that new girlfriend of yours. She’s in the dressing room, she’s making a real mess, got plaster casts ALL over the place, it’s a mess! Get rid of her.
Roy Orbison: Well, I’ll talk to her, but she’s… such a pretty woman. I hate to make her cry. I —
[ Alice approaches Roy ]
Alice Sloan: Ro-oy! What happened to you yesterday? I woke up, and you were go-one!
Roy Orbison: Oh… I didn’t want to wake you up.
Alice Sloan: Well, I mean, you left a note, and I don’t understand it. It says: “One quart milk… Hostess Ho-Hos… and quail! I mean, you didn’t say you were going to Memphis!
Roy Orbison: Oh, I — I forgot.
Alice Sloan: [ sullenly ] You know, we’ve been together for a week now, and I feel as though I hardly know you. I mean, all I know is two things: you stand perfectly still when you sing, and you always wear dark glasses.
Roy Orbison: Well, baby… I’d love to tell you mroe about myself, but… right now, I’ve gotta rehearse this number — a song I wrote for you. But, look, I want you to run along now, and I’ll meet you at the motel.
Alice Sloan: Well, Roy, I — how do I know you’ll be there?
Roy Orbison: Baby, there’s TWO things you know about Roy Orbison: #1. that he stands perfectly still when he sings, and #2. he always wears his shades!
Alice Sloan: Oh.
Roy Orbison: Now, baby! I’m a-giving these shades… to you. [ he removes his shades, and squints from the lights ]
Alice Sloan: [ freaking out ] Oh, Roy! I don’t what to sa-ay! I mean, you have NO idea what this means to me!
Roy Orbison: My own personal shades, baby.
Alice Sloan: Oh, God! It’s a MIND BLOWER!!
Roy Orbison: [ squinting ] Hey, baby… you take those shades… I’ll see you tomorrow, baby.
Alice Sloan: Okay, Roy! Thank you!
[ Alice exits, as Roy steps to the back of the stage and dons a replacement pair of sunglasses ]
Bandleader: Okay, Roy. You want to take it from the top.
Roy Orbison: Okay.
Bandleader: Alright, you ready?
Roy Orbison: Okay. From the top!
[ the backing band breaks into “Pretty Woman”, as Roy moves stiffly about the stage with his guitar in position ]
Roy Orbison: [ singing ]“Pretty Woman! Walking down the street. Pretty Woman! The kind I’d like to meet. Pretty Woman. I don’t believe you, you’re not the truth No one could look as good as you.
Pretty Woman, stop a while Pretty Woman, talk a while Pretty Woman, give your smile to meeeeeee!
Pretty Woman, yeah, yeah, yeah Pretty Woman, look my way Pretty Woman, say you’ll stay with meeeeeee!”
[ Roy removes his shades, only to reveal another pair beneath ]
“‘Cause I need you I’ll treat you right Come to me, baby Be mine toniiiii-hiiii-hiiiight!”
[ remaining stiff as a board, Roy falls over backwards on the high note ] [ Roy’s manager jumps in, grabs the microphone and thrusts it toward Roy, who is lying flat on his back and still performing ]
Roy Orbison: [ singing ]“Pretty Woman! Don’t walk on by. Pretty Woman! Don’t make me cry. Pretty Woman.”
[ Roy struggles to get to his feet, aided by his manager who lifts him back in place without Roy’s moving a muscle ]
“– must be okay. I guess I’ll go on home, it’s late. Maybe tomorrow night, but wait.”
[ Roy glances stage right ]
“What do I see-ee-ee? Is she walking back to meeeeee..?”
[ Roy nearly falls backwards again, but his manager jumps in and holds him up ]
Roy Orbison: [ singing ]Yeeaaaahhh… She’s walking back to me. O-o-o-o-o-ohhhhh….”
[ despite the manager’s efforts, Roy falls stiffly sideways and crashes to the floor on his stomach ] [ dissolve to title card ] [ fade ]
Spokesman: Introducing the 1978 Royal Deluxe II. A luxury nameand a luxury ride at a middle-range price? Impossible? We’ve come to Temple Beth Shalom in Little Neck, New York, and asked Rabbi Mayer Taklas to circumcise 8-day-old Benjamin Kanter while riding in the back seat of the elegant Royal Deluxe II.
Performing circumcision is demanding. It requires a sure handand a steady cutting surface. [ the car takes off ] To show you that our ride is the finest, sweetest in the world, we’ve deliberately picked this road because of its rough, uneven surface. This was an actual demonstration. Speed: 40 MPH.
The stylish Royal Deluxe II rides smooth because we built it right! [ the car drives over potholes ] Unique hydrodine suspension system, rack and pinion steering to ensure outstanding durability and control. And every new stylish Royal Deluxe II offers, as standard equipment, power front disc brakes.
[ a toy ball bounces into the street, as the car brakes sharply and we hear the baby cry after the Rabbi makes his final snip ]
Spokesman: You may never have to perform a circumcision in the Royal Deluxe II, but if you do, we’re sure you’ll agree with Rabbi Taklas..
Rabbi: That’s a beautiful baby.. and a beautiful car!
[ open on the new Weekend Update newsdesk: Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroud seated in position, as the night’s correspondents, Bill Murray, John Belushi, and Laraine Newman, stand around them. Garrett Morris soon steps forward as well. ]
Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.
[ cut to close-up two-shot of Jane and Dan ]
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Dan Aykroyd.
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin.
Our top story tonight: The house of Represnetatives, yesterdays, voted to increase the mandatory retirement age from 65 to 70. Opponents of the measure immediately released a bill raising the age of birth from 0 to 5.
In November, President Carter will make a 24,000-mile journey, taking him from Venuezela, Brazil, India, Iran, France, Poland, Belgium, and Nigeria. Carter cancelled plans to spend Thanksgiving with Idi Amin in Uganda, saying he doesn’t like the taste of Turk.
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Jane. This just in: the Surgeon General’s office has released results of tests which establish a definite link between fire and third-degree burns.
Jane Curtin: Correspondent Laraine Newman has just returned from a month-long trip to China, and has filed this report. Laraine?
Laraine Newman: Jane, I spent Rosh Hanshana (?) this year in the People’s Republic of China. And I must say, I can recommend it highly to anyone looking for an interesting way to ring in the new year — or gong in the new year, as they say in Beijing, Jane. But… my trip was marred by a somber event, Jane: the observance of the first anniversary of the death of Chairman Mao Tse-tung It was an impressive and emotional ceremony, with literally millions of people who made pilgrimages to Peking to pay homage to their fallen leader. And I was proud and happy to represent “Weekend Update” in this event. I was also fortunate to obtain one of a limited number of official mementos of this occasion. [ she grabs a prop ] It’s this replica of Chairman Mao in his crystal vault. [ she flips the prop upside-down, which has the same comic event of a snowglobe ] It’s not only a fitting commemorative object, Jane, but it is also quite decorative as well. The new Mao paperweight, Jane! Back to you.
Jane Curtin: [ clearly appalled ] Fascinating.
Cher Bono checked out of Doctor’s Hospital in New York last week, after undergoing cosmetic surgery to have her breasts lifted. Husband Gregg Allman could not be reached for comment, as we understand that he’s just checked into Doctor’s Hospital to have his hands lifted.
Dan Aykroyd: I hope things work out okay there, Jane.
Jane Curtin: I do, too, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: We’ll be right back after the weather.
[ they sit there nearly uncomfortable, waiting for the cut to the weather ] [ cut to Autumn footage, as SUPER appears:
Temperature 75: degrees F: 24 degrees C
Air Quality: The Pits” ] [ next screen reads:
“Five Days Ahead
Sun. Showers 72 degrees
Mon. Cool 65 degrees
Tues. Mild 75 degrees
Wed. Firestorms 451 degrees
Thur. No data –” ] [ cut back to the news desk, as Bill Murray sits to Jane’s right and looks around ]
Jane Curtin: And here’s film critic Bill Murray, with a review of “The Deep” for us. Bill?
Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. Hello, everybody. And I mean that. Now, get out of here! I love you! I hope everyone had a primo summer. Yours Truly, the Party Animal, went totally insane for three months!
Say, speaking of fun, tonight I’m reviewing “The Deep”, Columbia Pictures’ summer blockbuster smash. The same guy who wrote “Jaws” — Benchley — wrote it. They gave him multo dinero to do it again. Anyway, I haven’t seen the film yet, uh — I went to the screening, they usually start late… my date was drunk, and I arrived later that usual and missed the whole thing. I asked some friends about it, and they said, “Well, you know, Jacqueline Bisset looks GREAT!” Well, you know, when I think of myself, I think of a guy who has no preconceptions… and I love that about myself, I LOve it! And, with movie tastes involved, you just can’t trust anybody. so I’m gonna screen a clip of the movie right now, and then I’ll tell you what I think. Can we roll that tape, Davey?
[ cut to footage of divers under the water ]
Of course, Nick Note, there he is. Oh, there’s Jackie. She looks terrific. They say on the set she was terrific with the animals, and look how close they get to her.
[ cut to dinner scene in the film ]
There’s Nick… and Robert Shaw…
[ cut back to Bill at the dek ]
Hmm… [ thinking ] Nick Nolte, LOSE the moustache. Okay? Lose it. Totally. I mean, who are you kidding? You look like a Denver cop. Come on. Give me one break. Please! That’s NOT the Nick Nolte that I know and I loved in “Rich Man, Poor Man”. Now don’t get me wrong and moan about it and call me up. I’m sorry, Nick, that’s the way I feel! Now, get OUT of here! I mean it!
Robert Shaw. You disturb me, Robert, you really do. I used to LOVE you, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’s more respected in the entire industry. But the accent — I mean, what are you? What are you, Scotch, English, Irish? You always sound like you’re selling Lucky Stars, or something — Irish Spring. You know, fix that up. Will you? Please? And regain my respect. Please? Thank you.
Jackie Bisset. Your time has come, girl. Your charm and body filled the entire screen. But you’ve GOT to stop doing this stuff, it doesn’t stretch you as an actress. Now, you can be a success, honey, IF you look out for Jackie Bisset. Now, come on! Don’t let any o these little-minded people try to make you what you’re not. You’re YOU! BE it! Just BE Jackie! We love Jackie! BE it!
Okay, that’s my first review of the season. You don’t like it? Well, I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. Now, get out of here! I mean it! This is Bill Murray for “Weekend Update”, throwing it over to my buddy at the sports desk — Garrett Morris. Get out of here, Garrett!
Garrett Morris: Great, Bill. Great, really great, Bill. Uh — this Thursday, Mohamed Ali defends his title against Ernie Shavers. And, although people say that Ali’s out of shape, I still pick the champ to win. Especially after this mishap this week, when Shaver’s sparring partner hit him so hard that it knocked Ernie’s brain through his helmet. Now, in figh circles, an exposed brain is considered a disadvantage.
And, uh, two weeks ago, Hank Aaron’s home run record was broken by Sadaharu Oh, a Japanese player for the Tokyo Giants. And we have a tape of that historic occasion. [ roll tape ] There’s the shot… Now, it looks like a 100-foot homer, doesn’t it? But, actually, that fence is a little over sixty feet. You see, everything is smaller over there. I’ve been over there, you know, and the bases look like little bean bags, and they use this little tiny ball, it looks almost like a golf ball. Yeah, I think the man’s gonna do the speech now — yeah. The balls are much lighter over there, too, I know that.
Sadaharu Oh: [ withtranslated SUPER ] “I’m the luckiest man on the face of the Earth. Even luckier than Lou Gehrig. Let’s face it… I’m not that great an athlete. I’m short, awkward and I’m also not a Negro. If I were playing in the United States, I’d be hitting around .203. I’m the luckiest non-Negro on Earth. Good Night.”
[ cut back to Garrett ]
Garrett Morris: And that’s the sports. Back to you, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: Okay, Garrett. Thanks, uh — thanks a lot.
In a settlement reached this week, Jacqueline Onassis will receive $26 million from her late husband’s estate, with the following conditions: She will break all ties with the family, she will drop all further claims, and she will return Mr. Onassis’ body.
Jane Curtin: “Update” correspondent Jhon Belushi has just returned from Durango, Mexico, and he has this report for us. John?
John Belushi: Thank you, Janey. You know, every year “Weekend Update” awards a scholarship to a worthy student from another country who shows, in our opinion, promise in the field of journalism.It’s a $2,500 award, which is comprised of contributions collected from the members of our own “Weekend Update” news team. Ferreting out the proper recipient is a tough task, indeed, and this year found me south of the border in beautiful Durango, Mexico. Which is located, uhhh — about 800 miles south of El Paso.
[ show trip photo ]
Here I am. That’s a, uh — beautiful, beautiful waterfalls there.
[ next photo ]
And, uh, there is Father Chu Chu Marin, Headmaster of Durango’s School for Boys. He recommended a handful of youngsters who he deemed worthy of this scholarship. [ next photo ] There’s some of them. Who to choose. That was the hard part — until I met Carlos Santangelo.
[ reveal Carlos’ photo ]
An 18-year old student. And I immediately knew that I finally connected with the best candidate for the scholarship. Though other students had better grades and more journalistic promise than the illiterate Carlos, I chose him because I discovered that he had some connections of his own.
[ reveal photo of John and Carlos holding a bag of marijuana ]
Here I am, uh — here I am making the official presentation to award winner Carlos Santangelo.
[ cut back to John at the news desk ]
So, special considerations for next year’s award will be given to worthy students who attend school at Bogota, Columbia. Okay, Jane. I think we all benefitted from that little trip, didn’t we?
Jane Curtin: [ aghast ] I think we all did, John.
Entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., in an effort to cut down on expenses, has gotten rid of his limosine. However, he has kept his chauffeur, shown here delivering Davis to a nightclub engagement.
Dan Aykroyd: This just in: In a daring midnight raid, the houston Police force has arrested the Philadelphia Police force.
[ the following SCROLL appears above Dan’s head as he delivers the next story: “…For Update viewers who are hard of hearing: — for the next 30 seconds there will be a test of the Emergency Broadcast System ….. We repeat, this is just a test … BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEP …. Thank you …. ” ]
Dan Aykroyd: During the Lance Hearings, Sen. Charles Percy of Illinois has been inaccurately accused of tax fraud and embezzlement. Percy later apologized, saying that anyone can make a mistake. Well, this story has JUST come in: In 1946, while in the Navy, Percy had sex with a polar bear.
Jane Curtin: Uh, wait a minute, Dan. We just had a reprot that that story is inaccurate. But we do have this, uh, from one of our sources: In 1972, Percy personally ordered the assassination of baseball player Roberto Clemente.
Dan Aykroyd: Uh, this bulletin is JUST coming in, Jane: That last story is, in fact, inaccurate, but we DO have information that in 1957, Percy ordered the assassination of a polar bear while having SEX with Roberto Clemente. [ Jane shakes her head ] More on that story, uh, when we get some of the facts. [ he looks offscreen ] Will someone check that out?
Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. I’m Jane Curtin.
Dan Aykroyd: And… Dan Aykroyd.
Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presenation of Saturday Night News. Keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.
Summary The ratings for “Saturday Night Live” keep getting better and better, and nothing evidents it greater than this season’s April 22nd, 1978 broadcast with host Steve Martin and musical guest The Blues Brothers. From the Wild & Crazy Czechoslavakian Festrunk Brothers to Medieval Barber Theodoric of York, everything that highlighted the 1977 season could be found in this one all-time fan favorite episode.
But not everything on the show was zen perfection. If fact, tensions built up behind-the-scenes earlier that season when former castmember Chevy Chase came back to host the show. Bill Murray had made quite a name for himself on “SNL” by this time, and he made the information as clear as possible to Chevy, leading up to a fistfight just minutes before the show went to air. Despite these differences, the cast pulled themselves together long enough to put on a decent show – and overall, they put on one of “SNL”‘s best seasons ever.
The Festrunk BrothersSummary: A pair of Czechoslavakian brothers who ran from the tanks, Jorge (Steve Martin) and Yortuk Festrunk (Dan Aykroyd) try to pick up a pair of women (Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner) playing Ping-Pong in their apartment building’s rec room.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Laraine Newman recaps her visit to the Mao Tse-tung death anniversary. Bill Murray reviews “The Deep”. Garrett Morris comments on the week’s sports stories. John Belushi recaps his selection for a Weekend Update scholarship fund.
Great Moments In Rock & RollSummary: Groupie Alice Sloane (Laraine Newman) recounts her brief relationship with Roy Orbison (John Belushi), of whom she only knew to stand perfectly still while singing and wearing dark shades.
[ open on exterior, confessional ] [ a woman, kneeling, makies the Sign of the Cross and then exits, as ?? steps forward and kneels at the confessional on the opposite side ] [ cut to interior, confessional, as the Priet slides the partition to begin ]
Man: Forgive me, Father. It has been six years since my last confession. In that time, I’ve received absolution and I’ve performed my penance. These are my sins.
Priest: Well, it’s been a while since you last came to confession. [ he smiles ] There’s been a lot of changes in six years. Go ahead with my, uh — your confession, my son.
Man: Well, where should I start? My life’s a mess, Father! I have so many sins…
Priest: Well… which one troubles you the most?
Man: Well, you see — I’m married, and I have BEEN with another woman.
Priest: Mmm-hmm. Is she, too, beholden to another man?
Man: Yes! She’s married.
Priest: I see. So you’ve broken the sixth and the ninth commandments?
[ suddenly, a machine begins to beep wildly ]
Man: Hey… hey… Hey, Father, wh-wh-what’s that noise…?
Priest: I told you, my son — the church has undergone quite a few changes. Contrary to what you might have been reading, the Church IS progressive, and, uh, has modernized. [ he acknowledges a computer system before him ] This is the Trinity-300 Central Processing Unit, with an address capacity of 70 bits of information.
Man: [ curious ] Uh, well, what’s it for?
Priest: Well, basically, it’s a modern priest’s companion. This terminal, here, has a direct link-up to the arch-darabank in Rome. It assists the priests in, uh, analyzing transgressions in the assignment of appropriate penance. Now, you said this other woman was married, didn’t you?
[ the Priest types the information into the CPU ] [ screen reads: “Sin Series #10148” ] [ screen reads: “Commandment #6: Adultery” ] [ screen reads: “Commandment #9: Covet: wife” ] [ screen reads: “Transgressions to date: Anno Domini 1977 – 2,600,808” ] [ next screen reads: “RECOMMENDED PENANCE (flashing) 10 Hail Marys” ]
Priest: Alright, ten Hail Marys. Okay, anything else?
Man: Yeah, well, I got rid of her husband.
Priest: How did you do that?
Man: Well, I’m the Personnel Director for a large chemical company. We have offices all over the world.
Priest: All right.
Man: Her husband worked for me, and it got to be a hassle, Father, so I transferred him to Beirut. I put him up in the Holiday Inn, and his room got shelled. Now, did I kill him, or not?
Priest: Beats me. Let’s check. [ he types the information into the CPU ] [ screen reads: “ACTED TO REMOVE HUSBAND” ] [ screen reads: “INDIRECTLY CAUSED DEATH” ] [ next screen reads: “see : David and Bathsheba” ] [ next screen reads: “SIN OF PASSION — Not directly responsible” ] [ screen reads: (flashing) “NO PENALTY” ]
Priest: Nooo, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. You didn’t commit murder.
Man: [ aghast ] Well, I wish you would tell his son that! He’s after me — for breaking up his family!
Priest: Well, what do you mean he’s “after you”?
Man: Well, he hired two guys to follow me, man. They’re out there NOW — Father. Excuse me for calling you “man”. They’re out there NOW! That’s why I ducked in here in the first place!
Priest: I see… hmm… hmm…
Man: I’ve got to get OUT of here, get away, think things over…
Priest: [ thinking ] Well, where do you think it would be safe for you to go?
Man: Well, I’ve got relatives in Chicago… maybe I could get a flight out tonight…
Priest: [ typing ] Will that be First Class or Coach?
Man: That would be First Class.
Priest: Smoking or Non-smoking?
Priest: Okay. Would you like a rental car waiting for you when you get into Chicago?
Man: Yeah, whatcha got?
Priest: Let’s see… [ typing ] We’ve got a mid-sized sedan, or a little hatchback.
Priest: Good choice. It’s a gas saver. [ types the final few keystrokes ] Okay, are you sorry for your sins?
Man: Yeahhhh, sure!
Priest: Say those ten Hail Marys now?
Man: Uh, I certainly will, Father!
Priest: [ hands his tickets over ] Alright, bless you, my son. Have a nice flight.
Georg Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd Yortuk Festrunk…..Steve Martin Lynn…..Jane Curtin Barb…..Gilda Radner
[ open on Lynn and Barb playing Ping-Pong in apartment complex Rec Room ] [ suddenly, George and Yortuk Festrunk, two wild and crazy guys, Czech brothers dressed in tight pants and loud unbuttoned polyester shirts, medallions swinging over their chests, enter the Rec Room ]
Georg Festrunk: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt! But I was just wondering something. I am Georg Festrunk, and this is my brother Yortuk. We have a wash going in the next room, and we need some change for the dryer, can you help?
Barb: Uh, I’m sorry, I don’t have any change.
Georg Festrunk: [ laughs ] Well, you know, usually we have lots of change, because we are both swinging guys! Both my brother Yortuk and I enjoy doing many things.
Yortuk Festrunk: We are.. two wild and crazy guys!
Georg Festrunk: I’ll say!
Yortuk Festrunk: Why.. just the other day, we were enjoying ourselves so much, I can’t tell you!
Georg Festrunk: Say, you know, this is some swinging singles apartment building Rec Room! You could have here many good swinging times! Which you would enjoy a great deal!
Yortuk Festrunk: It’s so thought out and together!
Georg Festrunk: Look at you swinging girls, having such a good time, enjoying yourselves here and now!
Yortuk Festrunk: Don’t mention it!
Georg Festrunk: My brother and I are from Czechoslavakia, even though no one can tell. We escaped during the ’75 riots, by throwing many rocks at a Russian tank. We ran from it to come to America, but, boy, we gave up many things. Back there, we have a nice, groovy apartment, three cars and a summer house, which the government now owns! [ laughs ] Back there, we have medical degrees – but here in America we must be salesman for decorative bathroom fixtures. There, we are brain surgeons!
Yortuk Festrunk: We are.. unique kinds of guys!
Georg Festrunk: Two swinging guys who enjoy many things, and can do them all the time! Not to be polite, but what are your names?
Lynn: Uh.. Lynn.
Barb: Uh.. Barb.
Georg Festrunk: Well, you two look like some fox-y American girls, who are very attractive and who enjoy having a good swinging time!
[ Lynn and Barb laugh at the antics ]
Georg Festrunk: So many times, this game has been played by me and my brother! I think you would see just how swinging we are, if we played the game for you right now!
Yortuk Festrunk: You want to shoot a game?
Georg Festrunk: Sure! There’s nothing preventing us!
Barb: Uh.. listen, guys.. we’re right in the middle of a game.. we’d like to finish it..
Georg Festrunk: Well, why should we wait? We’re putting the moves on you fox-es!
Yortuk Festrunk: So! How much do you weigh?
Lynn: Uh.. about 110.. 115..
Yortuk Festrunk: Okay! Just tell me when you want me to come home with you!
[ Georg and Yortuk demonstrate their Ping-Pong prowess – George serves the ball to Yortuk, who slams his paddle onto the table and sends the ball flying across the Rec Room ]
Georg Festrunk: Good shot, Yortuk!
Yortuk Festrunk: I win again! [ laughs ] We sure are coming on to you! [ laughs ]
Georg Festrunk: But enough of this flattery. You young girls seem to know that we’re talking to you in a very swinging way. What can you say to us that we would enjoy talking about with you now, here and now, in this swinging way with us?
[ awkward silence for a beat ]
Barb: Well.. um..
Lynn: Well.. um..
Georg Festrunk: Maybe you’ve taken some.. drugs.. which gave you many pretty colors. That freak you out and make you want to die!
Lynn: Well.. uh..
Barb: Well.. uh.. oh! [ speaking slowly for full comprehension ] I knew this girl in coll-ege that took ac-id and got preg-nant.
[ Georg and Yortuk are impressed with the shift in conversation ]
Georg Festrunk: Well, this is sure a swinging rap session in America!
Lynn: Well.. um.. I don’t take.. [ restructures her sentence for full comprehension ] I take drugs – no!
Yortuk Festrunk: Well, maybe someday, someone will put some in your food!
[ Georg and Yortuk laugh like they made a brilliant, profound statement ]
Yortuk Festrunk: Don’t smell anything!
[ Georg and Yortuk laugh some more ]
Georg Festrunk: So now.. you know!
[ Georg and Yortuk laugh even more ]
Georg Festrunk: Say.. my brother Yortuk and I, we really enjoy the American disco music! So, to show you how swinging we are, and how much we love it, we’re going to dance for you now! With you, by putting some music on the jukeobx!
Yortuk Festrunk: [ makes a grab for Barb ] Come on, you crazy girl!
Georg Festrunk: Come on, fox-es! Don’t miss out on the fun!
[ disco music is turned on, as Georg and Yortuk demostrate their ridiculous dancing moves ]
Georg Festrunk: I see you two girls have never lived in a Communist bloc country, so.. get out of our ways!
Lynn: We’ve gotta lose these guys..
Barb: Yeah, we gotta go..
[ Lynn and Barb turn to exit the Rec Room ]
Georg Festrunk: Hey, hey, hey, wait! [ runs over toward Lynn and Barb ] You know.. you American girls have such big breasts all the time.
Yortuk Festrunk: [ stammering ] And your tight American blue jeans think us.. have.. have.. making sex! [ laughs ]
Georg Festrunk: Well.. I guess you must like us by now! So, please! Give us the number of your apartment, so we can go up there and have sex with you right now!
Lynn: I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we go someplace and meet, first?
Georg Festrunk: [ excited by his prospects ] Certainly! But I hope it is not long before all our clothes are off!
Yortuk Festrunk: And we are holding your big American breasts in our hands!
Lynn: I’ve got an idea! Do you know the Holland Tunnel?
Georg Festrunk: Of course! We swing there often!
Lynn: Meet us in the middle of the Holland Tunnel. Do you know the man in the glass booth?
Georg Festrunk: Naturally!
Yortuk Festrunk: Yeah! He knows our names – Georg and Yortuk!
Lynn: Well, you go there, and park there, and wait for us.
Barb: Yeah, yeah. We’ll meet you there as son as we slip into our big American breasts!
Georg Festrunk: Okay! We’ll have a swinging time!
Yortuk Festrunk: When we see you, we will wish we were having sex with you right then!
Lynn: Bye bye..
[ Barb and Lynn exit Rec Room ]
Georg Festrunk: Oh, you see, Yortuk, I told you! In this whole building, there is not one other pair of brothers from Czechoslavakia who ran from the tanks like us!
[ George serves the Ping-Pong ball to Yortuk, who slams his paddle onto the table and sends the ball flying across the Rec Room ]
Yortuk Festrunk: I win again!
Georg Festrunk: Good shot!
Yortuk Festrunk: Thank you. Don’t mention it!
Georg Festrunk: [ laughs excitedly ] Let’s go to the swinging Holland Tunnel now!
[ they hop out of the Rec Room on one leg ] [ zoom upward into audience, stop at woman with SUPER: “Faking it, but at least trying” ] [ fade ]
Announcer: Next Saturday night, watch NBC’s “Weekend with Lloyd Dobbin”. We’ll be back in two weeks, with host Madeline Kahn and musical guest Barrie Humphries and Taj Mahal. And here we go into our third season, and who said I’d never last? Hmm… I guess I said it! This is Don Pardo, hanging in and saying, “Good night!”