SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:



Cameos:

Bit Players:


September 24th, 1977

Steve Martin

Jackson Browne

Al Franken

Tom Davis

None

Andy Murphy

Rosie Shuster

Jim Downey

Alan Zweibel

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Akira Yoshimura
An Oval OfficeSummary: Bert Lance (John Belushi) uses the National Express credit card to pay for his debts.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin wants to find a tiny pair of handcuffs for his embezzling cat.

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

Kromega IIISummary: The watch so powerful that it takes three hands to operate.

Transcript

The Festrunk BrothersSummary: A pair of Czechoslavakian brothers who ran from the tanks, Jorge (Steve Martin) and Yortuk Festrunk (Dan Aykroyd) try to pick up a pair of women (Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner) playing Ping-Pong in their apartment building’s rec room.

Recurring Characters: Jorge Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk.

Transcript

Jackson Browne performs “Runnin’ on Empty”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Laraine Newman recaps her visit to the Mao Tse-tung death anniversary. Bill Murray reviews “The Deep”. Garrett Morris comments on the week’s sports stories. John Belushi recaps his selection for a Weekend Update scholarship fund.

Transcript

Mike McMack, Defense LawyerSummary: Defense lawyer Mike McMack (Steve Martin) makes a pass at the rape victim (Gilda Radner) whose case he helped throw out of court.

Transcript

Computerized ConfessionSummary: A priest (Dan Aykroyd) uses a computer to determine the penance for a man (Garrett Morris) who confesses to an adulterous relationship he has been carrying on.

Transcript

Great Moments In Rock & RollSummary: Groupie Alice Sloane (Laraine Newman) recounts her brief relationship with Roy Orbison (John Belushi), of whom she only knew to stand perfectly still while singing and wearing dark shades.

Recurring Characters: Roy Orbison.

Transcript

The Franken & Davis ShowSummary: Al Franken and Tom Davis play the finalists in the Mr. U.S.A. Pageant.

Recurring Characters: Anita Bryant.

Royal Deluxe IISummary: The vehicle that rides smooth enough to allow a rabbi to perform a circumcision in the back seat.

Transcript

Jackson Browne performs “The Pretender”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Computerized Confession



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1






77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Computerized Confession

Woman…..Rosie Shuster
Priest…..Dan Aykroyd
Man…..Garrett Morris
Woman…..Rosie Shuster

[ open on exterior, confessional ] [ a woman, kneeling, makies the Sign of the Cross and then exits, as ?? steps forward and kneels at the confessional on the opposite side ] [ cut to interior, confessional, as the Priet slides the partition to begin ]

Man: Forgive me, Father. It has been six years since my last confession. In that time, I’ve received absolution and I’ve performed my penance. These are my sins.

Priest: Well, it’s been a while since you last came to confession. [ he smiles ] There’s been a lot of changes in six years. Go ahead with my, uh — your confession, my son.

Man: Well, where should I start? My life’s a mess, Father! I have so many sins…

Priest: Well… which one troubles you the most?

Man: Well, you see — I’m married, and I have BEEN with another woman.

Priest: Mmm-hmm. Is she, too, beholden to another man?

Man: Yes! She’s married.

Priest: I see. So you’ve broken the sixth and the ninth commandments?

Man: Mmm-hmm.

[ suddenly, a machine begins to beep wildly ]

Man: Hey… hey… Hey, Father, wh-wh-what’s that noise…?

Priest: I told you, my son — the church has undergone quite a few changes. Contrary to what you might have been reading, the Church IS progressive, and, uh, has modernized. [ he acknowledges a computer system before him ] This is the Trinity-300 Central Processing Unit, with an address capacity of 70 bits of information.

Man: [ curious ] Uh, well, what’s it for?

Priest: Well, basically, it’s a modern priest’s companion. This terminal, here, has a direct link-up to the arch-darabank in Rome. It assists the priests in, uh, analyzing transgressions in the assignment of appropriate penance. Now, you said this other woman was married, didn’t you?

Man: Yeah.

[ the Priest types the information into the CPU ] [ screen reads: “Sin Series #10148” ] [ screen reads: “Commandment #6: Adultery” ] [ screen reads: “Commandment #9: Covet: wife” ] [ screen reads: “Transgressions to date: Anno Domini 1977 – 2,600,808” ] [ next screen reads: “RECOMMENDED PENANCE (flashing) 10 Hail Marys” ]

Priest: Alright, ten Hail Marys. Okay, anything else?

Man: Yeah, well, I got rid of her husband.

Priest: How did you do that?

Man: Well, I’m the Personnel Director for a large chemical company. We have offices all over the world.

Priest: All right.

Man: Her husband worked for me, and it got to be a hassle, Father, so I transferred him to Beirut. I put him up in the Holiday Inn, and his room got shelled. Now, did I kill him, or not?

Priest: Beats me. Let’s check. [ he types the information into the CPU ] [ screen reads: “ACTED TO REMOVE HUSBAND” ] [ screen reads: “INDIRECTLY CAUSED DEATH” ] [ next screen reads: “see : David and Bathsheba” ] [ next screen reads: “SIN OF PASSION — Not directly responsible” ] [ screen reads: (flashing) “NO PENALTY” ]

Priest: Nooo, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. You didn’t commit murder.

Man: [ aghast ] Well, I wish you would tell his son that! He’s after me — for breaking up his family!

Priest: Well, what do you mean he’s “after you”?

Man: Well, he hired two guys to follow me, man. They’re out there NOW — Father. Excuse me for calling you “man”. They’re out there NOW! That’s why I ducked in here in the first place!

Priest: I see… hmm… hmm…

Man: I’ve got to get OUT of here, get away, think things over…

Priest: [ thinking ] Well, where do you think it would be safe for you to go?

Man: Well, I’ve got relatives in Chicago… maybe I could get a flight out tonight

Priest: [ typing ] Will that be First Class or Coach?

Man: That would be First Class.

Priest: Smoking or Non-smoking?

Man: Smoking.

Priest: Okay. Would you like a rental car waiting for you when you get into Chicago?

Man: Yeah, whatcha got?

Priest: Let’s see… [ typing ] We’ve got a mid-sized sedan, or a little hatchback.

Man: Hatchback!

Priest: Good choice. It’s a gas saver. [ types the final few keystrokes ] Okay, are you sorry for your sins?

Man: Yeahhhh, sure!

Priest: Say those ten Hail Marys now?

Man: Uh, I certainly will, Father!

Priest: [ hands his tickets over ] Alright, bless you, my son. Have a nice flight.

[ the man smiles and makes his exit ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Two Wild & Crazy Guys



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1







77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Two Wild & Crazy Guys

Georg Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Yortuk Festrunk…..Steve Martin
Lynn…..Jane Curtin
Barb…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Lynn and Barb playing Ping-Pong in apartment complex Rec Room ] [ suddenly, George and Yortuk Festrunk, two wild and crazy guys, Czech brothers dressed in tight pants and loud unbuttoned polyester shirts, medallions swinging over their chests, enter the Rec Room ]

Georg Festrunk: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt! But I was just wondering something. I am Georg Festrunk, and this is my brother Yortuk. We have a wash going in the next room, and we need some change for the dryer, can you help?

Barb: Uh, I’m sorry, I don’t have any change.

Georg Festrunk: [ laughs ] Well, you know, usually we have lots of change, because we are both swinging guys! Both my brother Yortuk and I enjoy doing many things.

Yortuk Festrunk: We are.. two wild and crazy guys!

Georg Festrunk: I’ll say!

Yortuk Festrunk: Why.. just the other day, we were enjoying ourselves so much, I can’t tell you!

Georg Festrunk: Say, you know, this is some swinging singles apartment building Rec Room! You could have here many good swinging times! Which you would enjoy a great deal!

Yortuk Festrunk: It’s so thought out and together!

Georg Festrunk: Look at you swinging girls, having such a good time, enjoying yourselves here and now!

Yortuk Festrunk: Don’t mention it!

Georg Festrunk: My brother and I are from Czechoslavakia, even though no one can tell. We escaped during the ’75 riots, by throwing many rocks at a Russian tank. We ran from it to come to America, but, boy, we gave up many things. Back there, we have a nice, groovy apartment, three cars and a summer house, which the government now owns! [ laughs ] Back there, we have medical degrees – but here in America we must be salesman for decorative bathroom fixtures. There, we are brain surgeons!

Yortuk Festrunk: We are.. unique kinds of guys!

Georg Festrunk: Two swinging guys who enjoy many things, and can do them all the time! Not to be polite, but what are your names?

Lynn: Uh.. Lynn.

Barb: Uh.. Barb.

Georg Festrunk: Well, you two look like some fox-y American girls, who are very attractive and who enjoy having a good swinging time!

[ Lynn and Barb laugh at the antics ]

Georg Festrunk: So many times, this game has been played by me and my brother! I think you would see just how swinging we are, if we played the game for you right now!

Yortuk Festrunk: You want to shoot a game?

Georg Festrunk: Sure! There’s nothing preventing us!

Barb: Uh.. listen, guys.. we’re right in the middle of a game.. we’d like to finish it..

Georg Festrunk: Well, why should we wait? We’re putting the moves on you fox-es!

Yortuk Festrunk: So! How much do you weigh?

Lynn: Uh.. about 110.. 115..

Yortuk Festrunk: Okay! Just tell me when you want me to come home with you!

[ Georg and Yortuk demonstrate their Ping-Pong prowess – George serves the ball to Yortuk, who slams his paddle onto the table and sends the ball flying across the Rec Room ]

Georg Festrunk: Good shot, Yortuk!

Yortuk Festrunk: I win again! [ laughs ] We sure are coming on to you! [ laughs ]

Georg Festrunk: But enough of this flattery. You young girls seem to know that we’re talking to you in a very swinging way. What can you say to us that we would enjoy talking about with you now, here and now, in this swinging way with us?

[ awkward silence for a beat ]

Barb: Well.. um..

Lynn: Well.. um..

Georg Festrunk: Maybe you’ve taken some.. drugs.. which gave you many pretty colors. That freak you out and make you want to die!

Lynn: Well.. uh..

Barb: Well.. uh.. oh! [ speaking slowly for full comprehension ] I knew this girl in coll-ege that took ac-id and got preg-nant.

[ Georg and Yortuk are impressed with the shift in conversation ]

Georg Festrunk: Well, this is sure a swinging rap session in America!

Lynn: Well.. um.. I don’t take.. [ restructures her sentence for full comprehension ] I take drugs – no!

Yortuk Festrunk: Well, maybe someday, someone will put some in your food!

[ Georg and Yortuk laugh like they made a brilliant, profound statement ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Don’t smell anything!

[ Georg and Yortuk laugh some more ]

Georg Festrunk: So now.. you know!

[ Georg and Yortuk laugh even more ]

Georg Festrunk: Say.. my brother Yortuk and I, we really enjoy the American disco music! So, to show you how swinging we are, and how much we love it, we’re going to dance for you now! With you, by putting some music on the jukeobx!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ makes a grab for Barb ] Come on, you crazy girl!

Barb: Um..

Georg Festrunk: Come on, fox-es! Don’t miss out on the fun!

[ disco music is turned on, as Georg and Yortuk demostrate their ridiculous dancing moves ]

Georg Festrunk: I see you two girls have never lived in a Communist bloc country, so.. get out of our ways!

Lynn: We’ve gotta lose these guys..

Barb: Yeah, we gotta go..

[ Lynn and Barb turn to exit the Rec Room ]

Georg Festrunk: Hey, hey, hey, wait! [ runs over toward Lynn and Barb ] You know.. you American girls have such big breasts all the time.

Yortuk Festrunk: [ stammering ] And your tight American blue jeans think us.. have.. have.. making sex! [ laughs ]

Georg Festrunk: Well.. I guess you must like us by now! So, please! Give us the number of your apartment, so we can go up there and have sex with you right now!

Lynn: I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we go someplace and meet, first?

Georg Festrunk: [ excited by his prospects ] Certainly! But I hope it is not long before all our clothes are off!

Yortuk Festrunk: And we are holding your big American breasts in our hands!

Lynn: I’ve got an idea! Do you know the Holland Tunnel?

Georg Festrunk: Of course! We swing there often!

Lynn: Meet us in the middle of the Holland Tunnel. Do you know the man in the glass booth?

Georg Festrunk: Naturally!

Yortuk Festrunk: Yeah! He knows our names – Georg and Yortuk!

Lynn: Well, you go there, and park there, and wait for us.

Barb: Yeah, yeah. We’ll meet you there as son as we slip into our big American breasts!

Georg Festrunk: Okay! We’ll have a swinging time!

Yortuk Festrunk: When we see you, we will wish we were having sex with you right then!

Lynn: Bye bye..

[ Barb and Lynn exit Rec Room ]

Georg Festrunk: Oh, you see, Yortuk, I told you! In this whole building, there is not one other pair of brothers from Czechoslavakia who ran from the tanks like us!

[ George serves the Ping-Pong ball to Yortuk, who slams his paddle onto the table and sends the ball flying across the Rec Room ]

Yortuk Festrunk: I win again!

Georg Festrunk: Good shot!

Yortuk Festrunk: Thank you. Don’t mention it!

Georg Festrunk: [ laughs excitedly ] Let’s go to the swinging Holland Tunnel now!

[ they hop out of the Rec Room on one leg ] [ zoom upward into audience, stop at woman with SUPER: “Faking it, but at least trying” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1



77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Good night, everybody!!

Announcer: Next Saturday night, watch NBC’s “Weekend with Lloyd Dobbin”. We’ll be back in two weeks, with host Madeline Kahn and musical guest Barrie Humphries and Taj Mahal. And here we go into our third season, and who said I’d never last? Hmm… I guess I said it! This is Don Pardo, hanging in and saying, “Good night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Kromega III



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1





77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Kromega III

Woman’s Voice…..Jane Curtin

[ Kromega III watch slowly scrolls into camera range ]

Announcer: Someday, everyone will own a watch like this. Now, it is available only for the privileged few. The Mogasaki Corproration of Tokyo is honored to announce… Kromega III. [ lightning strikes ] A watch so complex, it takes two people to make it work. One hand wears the watch. The other hand presses the buttons that activate the 100% solid state multi-function digital quartz crystal micro-computer unit. And now, you’re ready for the third hand to trigger the light-luminating dial to give you an alphanumeric readout accurate to within 9 a year. It’s that simple.

KROMEGA III. Command-crafted in impact-resistant crushed chrome. It’s no wonder that professional skiiers prefer Kromega III over any ordinary timepiece.

[ Woman’s arm is shown with Lady Kromega III on her wrist ]

Woman’s Voice: And I love Lady Kromega III. The sleek, space-age styling compliments any outfit. [ Woman’s other hand presses one of the buttons ] And the clearly displayed perpetual calendar helps me to remember my many appointments. Would you mind? [ other person brings in a spare hand to operate the Lady Kromega III ] Thank you.

Announcer: Kromega III. It’s like asking a stranger for the time.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: National Express Card



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1





77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

National Express Card

Bert Lance…..John Belushi
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ SUPER: “An Oval Office” ]

President Jimmy Carter: You’re.. you’re my best friend. I’m gonna miss you. You know, in a way, I feel like it’s my fault you had to resign, because.. I set examples that were impossible to live with – even for someone who’s just the slightest bit corrupt. I mean, you certainly did nothing illegal. And probably nothing.. unethical. And only a few things that were really sleazy. Bert, I’m proud of you. I’m gonna miss you. [ cries, hugs Bert ] I hope you can iron out your financial difficulties when you get back to Calhoun.

[ Bert Lance turns toward the camera ]

Bert Lance: Do you remember me? I’m Bert Lance. I used to be Director of the Office of Managing the Budget. But still, a lot of people don’t recognize my face. That’s why I carry this. [ holds up card ] The National Express Card. The most honored credit card the world over. With it, I can borrow hundreds of thousands without paying interest. Whether it’s throwing a prty, financing a political campaign, or just putting up collateral for another loan. National Express gives me the credibility I need. Maybe my old friend Jimmy Carter doesn’t need one, but you and I do. The National Express Card – don’t leave office without it!

[ show image of card, with name “Bert Lance” typing across it ]

President Jimmy Carter: Well, there’s, uh, nothing else left to say.. except.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1










77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer

Judge…..John Belushi
Mike McMack…..Steve Martin
Miss Kazursky…..Gilda Radner
Prosecutor…..Bill Murray
Rapist…..Garrett Morris

[ open on courtroom drama scene ]

Judge: [ banging gavel ] Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please! One more outburst like that, and I’ll have this courtroom waived! Begin again, Counselor.

Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, you were telling the court that my client, who has no previous record of sex offenses, walked up two flights of stairs, picked out your apartment, lured you into opening the door, and then forcibly raped you?!

Miss Kazursky: Yes!

Announcer: And now it’s time for another law adventure with “Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer”.

Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, what were you wearing when you opened that door?

Miss Kazursky: My flannel nightgown.

Mike McMack: Ah. And what were you doing in a flannel nightie.. at four in the afternoon?

Miss Kazursky: Well, I-I was taking a bath.. and I heard a knock at the door.

Mike McMack: Ah. I see. You hear a knock at the door. So you stand up, stark-naked, the water and soap suds glistening on your supple breasts. Quickly, you rub yourself with a towel, then dance across the room, your nipples hardening in the breeze. Slipping on a soft, flimsy negligee, you run to the door and open it in anticipation! Is that correct!

Miss Kazursky: [ shocked ] Wha.. what..? Sort of.. I-I-I-

Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, is it not true, that in 1971, you were.. divorced?

Miss Kazursky: [ stammering ] Yeah! But-but I don’t see what that has anything to do with-

Mike McMack: Now, Miss Kazursky, remember you are under oath. In the last six years, have you had.. sex?

Miss Kazursky: Well, I-I-I’m 35 years old-

Mike McMack: Just answer the question, yes or no!!

Miss Kazursky: Y-yes..

Mike McMack: How many times, Miss Kazursky?

Miss Kazursky: Well, uh.. uh..

Objection! Your Honor, Mr. McMack is pursuing an irrelevant line of questioning!

Mike McMack: Your Honor, what my distinguished colleague does not understand is that.. [ rubs Judge’s head ] ..what I am trying to do is establish, in a logical, coherent manner, that the witness is a cheap tart!

Miss Kazursky: [ crying ]

Prosecutor: Objection!

Judge: Overruled.

Prosecutor: Awww!

Mike McMack: [ chuckles with delight ] Now, Miss Kazurksy, how many times did you have sex between 1971 and last night?

Miss Kazursky: Thirty-eight!

[ courtroom murmurs ]

Mike McMack: Thir-ty-eight. Gentlemen of the jury – 38. not.. five.. not sev-en! Thir-ty-eight. And did you bring these men to your apartment.

Miss Kazursky: It wasn’t 38 men, it was 38 times!

Mike McMack: Just answer the question yes or no! did you bring these men to your apartment!

Miss Kazursky: Well.. yes!

Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, in 1965, were you involved in a civil rights organization?

Prosecutor: Ob-ject-ion!

Judge: Overruled.

Prosecutor: Oh, come on!

Mike McMack: [ chuckles heartily ] And why did you work there?

Miss Kazursky: I wanted to help blacks register.

Mike McMack: You wanted to help the black man!

Miss Kazursky: I wanted to help-

Mike McMack: And that’s exactly what went through your mind as you opened the door in that flimsy negligee!!

Miss Kazursky: [ crying ] No! No!

Mike McMack: I have no further questions, your Honor, no more!!

Judge: [ banging gavel ] Order! Order, gentlemen!

Prosecutor: Your Honor, the witness is too emotionally disturbed to continue, may I move for a recess! Please!

Judge: Okay, court will recess until tomorrow morning at 9 am. [exits courtroom ]

Mike McMack: Good night, Tom. See you later.

Prosecutor: [ approaches his client at the stand ] Miss Kazursky, I’m sorry that you were made to feel as if you were on trial here, instead of that.. that rapist. Oh, well, get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?

[ Prosecutor approaches McMack ]

Prosecutor: McMack! Great job.

Mike McMack: Thanks.

Prosecutor: You made me look like an amateur out there!

Mike McMack: Part of my job.

Prosecutor: And the way you turned the race thing around, to make her look like the bad guy. That was brilliant! I tell you, Mike, I’d give anything to beat you just once!

Mike McMack: Hey – maybe when I get a client who isn’t guilty!

[ they laugh ] [ McMack walks over to Miss Kazursky, who’s still bawling her eyes out at the stand ]

Mike McMack: Hey, what are you doing tonight? [ no response ] You’re not still mad about this trial thing, are you? Come on, it’s the way I make a buck! Come on, let me take you out for a big steak, what do you say?

Miss Kazursky: How can you talk to me that way? You put me on trial here, when I’m innocent! You humiliate me, and you let that man go free when he raped me! Is that what you learned in Law School?!!

[ Miss Kazursky exits the courtroom, leaving McMack alone with his thoughts ]

Mike McMack: Gee.. maybe she’s right. Maybe I got off the track somewhere along the line, in the pursuit of a buck. Maybe I.. lost sight of my ideals. [ thinks ] Naaaaahhhhh!

Announcer: Be sure to join us next week, when McMack takes on a case for Evil Knievel, in.. “Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer”.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Steve Martin’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1





77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: [ singing ]“Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!

Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!

Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!

Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them — hit it, boys! — outta sight!”

[ Steve stops singing, turns to look at the band ]

You guys stuck-up or something?

Well, good evening! [ the band drops a note ] That’s okay! Hey – welcome to “Saturday Night”. I know what you’re saying, you’re saying, “Hey! Wait a minute. Steve’s wearing loafers. No laces on his shoes” [ breaks into song ] “Born to be wi-i-i-ild!”

I know a lot of you people are sitting out there saying to yourselves, “Steve – you’re a rambling guy. Is it tough for you, traveling from town to town, staying in different hotels every night, all alone, not with your friends?” Well, I’ve kind of worked that out now, I’ve got a whole new policy. Like, I came into New York early this morning, bought a house. Met a cute gal, got married. We had a little baby, another one on the way. Tomorrow: wake up, have a home-cooked meal, sell the house, get a divorce, and get on to the next town. So, this is what Steve is doing now.

So, I have a comedy album out now, called “Let’s Get Small”. And the only reason I mention that is I’ll be doing some television to promote it, you can kind of keep a lookout for it. I’ll be doing “Bowling For Dollars” next week – it’s a good show, my agent says it’s a good show. And we’ve got “Crosswits” coming up.. “Liars Club” – and, it’s easy for me to get on all these shows now, because I did so well on “Celebrity Cokeheads”. Excuse me.. boy oh boy, are my lips chapped! [ applies chapstick, then pretends to inhale it ]

Boy oh boy, I am so mad at Farrah Fawcett-Majors. She is so conceited. She has never called me once And after the hours I’ve spent holding up her poster with one hand! Geez!

Okay! Hey, does anybody know where I can get some cat handcuffs? I’ve gotta get a pair of cat handcuffs. Either two little ones like this, to go around the little paws.. or a big one that hooks onto my arm and then hooks onto the cat. I found out my cat was embezzling from me, so I’ve gotta get a little pair.. of cat handcuffs, so.. Well, I found out that when I’m away, he goes to the mailbox, picks up the checks, take them down to the bank and cashes them. The way I caught him, I went out to his little house, where he sleeps at night, and there was like $3,000 worth of cat toys out there. And you can’t return them, because they have spit all over them.. I don’t know where he is now, I guess he went out to Catalina, or something like that, I don’t know.. [ audience groans slightly ] No. He bought a catamaran, and went out.. [ audience groans again ] No, he got it out of a catalog.. [ groans ] This is a catastrophe! Hey, just remember – comedy is not pretty!

Alright, folks, we’ve got a great show tonight – we have Jackson Browne and his band. A great new comedy team – Franken & Davis! And we’ll be back right after this message!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Great Moments In Rock & Roll



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1









77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Great Moments In Rock & Roll

Alice Sloan…..Laraine Newman
Roy Orbison…..John Belushi
Manager…..Bill Murray
Bandleader…..Howard Shore

[ open on title card ] [ dissolve to Alice Sloan sitting cross-legged in chair ]

Alice Sloan: Hi! I’m Alice Sloan, and this is “Great Moments In Rock”. I’m so freaked out about doing this show, I mean… my whole life has been Rock! God, I hope I can get this out before those ‘ludes kck on. I mean, I was never really a groupie or anything, but I did grow up in Los Angeles and got to know about two or three-thousand musicians personally. One rock stare that I especially remember was the man who wore these shades: [ she holds up Roy Orbison’s sunglasses on a plaque ] Roy Orbison. Of course, when you say “Roy Orbison”, everybody thinks of two things: he always stood perfectly still when he sang, and he always wore these dark glasses. It was in 1964, and I was ready to do ANYTHING to get those shades. We got really close one night in L.A., and I think it must have freaked Roy out a LOT, because, the next thing I knew, he was in Memphis.

[ the screen separates to find Roy Orbison standing on a Memphis stage with his manager ]

Manager: Roy. Roy, I gotta talk to you, boy. Now, as your manager, I’ve given you good advice on at least two occasions. Now, it was my idea for you to be a wooden man, you know stand perfectly still while you sing, right?

Roy Orbison: That’s right!

Manager: And who came up with the concept of you always wearing the dark glasses?

Roy Orbison: Well, I guess it was mainly your idea.

Manager: Right. Well, I’m gonna give you one more piece of advice: DUMP that new girlfriend of yours. She’s in the dressing room, she’s making a real mess, got plaster casts ALL over the place, it’s a mess! Get rid of her.

Roy Orbison: Well, I’ll talk to her, but she’s… such a pretty woman. I hate to make her cry. I —

[ Alice approaches Roy ]

Alice Sloan: Ro-oy! What happened to you yesterday? I woke up, and you were go-one!

Roy Orbison: Oh… I didn’t want to wake you up.

Alice Sloan: Well, I mean, you left a note, and I don’t understand it. It says: “One quart milk… Hostess Ho-Hos… and quail! I mean, you didn’t say you were going to Memphis!

Roy Orbison: Oh, I — I forgot.

Alice Sloan: [ sullenly ] You know, we’ve been together for a week now, and I feel as though I hardly know you. I mean, all I know is two things: you stand perfectly still when you sing, and you always wear dark glasses.

Roy Orbison: Well, baby… I’d love to tell you mroe about myself, but… right now, I’ve gotta rehearse this number — a song I wrote for you. But, look, I want you to run along now, and I’ll meet you at the motel.

Alice Sloan: Well, Roy, I — how do I know you’ll be there?

Roy Orbison: Baby, there’s TWO things you know about Roy Orbison: #1. that he stands perfectly still when he sings, and #2. he always wears his shades!

Alice Sloan: Oh.

Roy Orbison: Now, baby! I’m a-giving these shades… to you. [ he removes his shades, and squints from the lights ]

Alice Sloan: [ freaking out ] Oh, Roy! I don’t what to sa-ay! I mean, you have NO idea what this means to me!

Roy Orbison: My own personal shades, baby.

Alice Sloan: Oh, God! It’s a MIND BLOWER!!

Roy Orbison: [ squinting ] Hey, baby… you take those shades… I’ll see you tomorrow, baby.

Alice Sloan: Okay, Roy! Thank you!

[ Alice exits, as Roy steps to the back of the stage and dons a replacement pair of sunglasses ]

Bandleader: Okay, Roy. You want to take it from the top.

Roy Orbison: Okay.

Bandleader: Alright, you ready?

Roy Orbison: Okay. From the top!

[ the backing band breaks into “Pretty Woman”, as Roy moves stiffly about the stage with his guitar in position ]

Roy Orbison: [ singing ]“Pretty Woman!
Walking down the street.
Pretty Woman!
The kind I’d like to meet.
Pretty Woman.
I don’t believe you, you’re not the truth
No one could look as good as you.

Mercy!

Pretty Woman, stop a while
Pretty Woman, talk a while
Pretty Woman, give your smile to meeeeeee!

Pretty Woman, yeah, yeah, yeah
Pretty Woman, look my way
Pretty Woman, say you’ll stay with meeeeeee!”

[ Roy removes his shades, only to reveal another pair beneath ]

“‘Cause I need you
I’ll treat you right
Come to me, baby
Be mine toniiiii-hiiii-hiiiight!”

[ remaining stiff as a board, Roy falls over backwards on the high note ] [ Roy’s manager jumps in, grabs the microphone and thrusts it toward Roy, who is lying flat on his back and still performing ]

Roy Orbison: [ singing ]“Pretty Woman!
Don’t walk on by.
Pretty Woman!
Don’t make me cry.
Pretty Woman.”

[ Roy struggles to get to his feet, aided by his manager who lifts him back in place without Roy’s moving a muscle ]

“– must be okay.
I guess I’ll go on home, it’s late.
Maybe tomorrow night, but wait.”

[ Roy glances stage right ]

“What do I see-ee-ee?
Is she walking back to meeeeee..?”

[ Roy nearly falls backwards again, but his manager jumps in and holds him up ]

Roy Orbison: [ singing ]Yeeaaaahhh…
She’s walking back to me.
O-o-o-o-o-ohhhhh….”

[ despite the manager’s efforts, Roy falls stiffly sideways and crashes to the floor on his stomach ] [ dissolve to title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Royale Deluxe II



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1





77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Royale Deluxe II

Spokesman…..Dan Aykroyd

Spokesman: Introducing the 1978 Royal Deluxe II. A luxury nameand a luxury ride at a middle-range price? Impossible? We’ve come to Temple Beth Shalom in Little Neck, New York, and asked Rabbi Mayer Taklas to circumcise 8-day-old Benjamin Kanter while riding in the back seat of the elegant Royal Deluxe II.

Performing circumcision is demanding. It requires a sure handand a steady cutting surface. [ the car takes off ] To show you that our ride is the finest, sweetest in the world, we’ve deliberately picked this road because of its rough, uneven surface. This was an actual demonstration. Speed: 40 MPH.

The stylish Royal Deluxe II rides smooth because we built it right! [ the car drives over potholes ] Unique hydrodine suspension system, rack and pinion steering to ensure outstanding durability and control. And every new stylish Royal Deluxe II offers, as standard equipment, power front disc brakes.

[ a toy ball bounces into the street, as the car brakes sharply and we hear the baby cry after the Rabbi makes his final snip ]

Rabbi: Poifect!

Spokesman: You may never have to perform a circumcision in the Royal Deluxe II, but if you do, we’re sure you’ll agree with Rabbi Taklas..

Rabbi: That’s a beautiful baby.. and a beautiful car!

Announcer: Royal Deluxe II. A beautiful car.

SNL Transcripts