…..Richard Dreyfuss Dr. Candice Brightman…..Laraine Newman Dr. Judd Quimson…..Bill Murray Dr. Francine Shoes…..Gilda Radner Dr. Herbert Rice…..Garrett Morris
[ open on “Sex Test” title card ]
[ dissolve to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: Good evening. This is Richard Dreyfuss. Our show is called “The Sex Test”. It is designed to promote good sexual health by dealing with some of the most common questions and misconceptions surrounding sex. Where needed, we will have amplication from psychologists and sex specialists. Sex is a delicate subject, and as such, we do advise parental discretion in viewing. It should be noted that sex education is preferable to sexual ignorance. And if you remove the children from the room, they’ll probably turn out as screwed up as you are.
Let’s move on to our first question: “How many times a week should a couple have sex if they’ve been married for 8 years?”
a) 4 Times b) 8 Times c) 16 Times
B — 8 Times is correct. [ ding ]
“How many times a week should a couple have se if they’ve been married 16 years?”
a) 4 Times b) 8 Times c) 16 Times
C — 16 Times. [ ding ] Very surprising. Yes, you should have sex as many times each week as the number of years in your marriage. Which is why the average marriage lasts only 15 years.
“In sex, does it matter if the woman is not satisfied — Yes or No?”
The answer… is “No.” [ ding ] Dr. Candice Brightman, of UCLA?
[ cut to Dr. Candice Brightman ]
Dr. Candice Brightman: Uh — this has been a source of confusion for many years, but we know that it is perfectly normal for a man not to care about a woman’s pleasure, just so long as he drains the lizard. Uh — this does not mean that a man shouldn’t feel bad later, and, uh, go out and buy his mate a nice gift.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “How many climaxes are in a woman’s multiple climax?”
a) 2 to 5 b) 12 to 16 c) Hundreds and Hundreds d) An infinite number
The answer… is C. [ ding ] Hundreds and Hundreds. Dr. Judd Quimson, Sociology Advisor to Penthouse Magazine.
[ cut to Dr. Judd Quimson ]
Dr. Judd Quimson: [ breathing heavily ] It’s a multiple! You know, it’s hundreds and hundreds! I mean, what’s the point, otherwise? If one of my girlfriends has, say, you know, only 30 climaxes… I feel like a real creep! I go out and buy her a nice gift.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “The proper thing to say after a man’s premature climax is:
a) Wait ’til the girls hear about this b) Can I get you anything else? c) You selfish pork face now I’ll never be satisfied
C… is the correct answer! [ ding ] Here is Dr. Francine Shoes of the Yorkies Primate Research Center… to explain why.
[ cut to Dr. Francine Shoes ]
Dr. Francine Shoes: When a man has a premature climax, he has a tendency to lie there like a beached whale. He can even fall asleep and forget that you had sex. But, by calling attention to the situation by yelling at him: “You selfish pork face! Now I’ll never be satisfied!”, he’ll roll over and become aware that you have needs, too. And he’ll probably go out and buy you a nice gift!
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “Who discovered genitalia?”
a) The Dutch b) George Washington Carver c) The Earl of Sandwich
B — George Washington Carver is the correct answer. [ ding ] Dr. Herbert Rice, author of “I’m Normal, You’re Normal”.
[ cut to Dr. Herbert Rice ]
Dr. Herbert Rice: Uh — genitalia have their origin in the fertile crescent in Africa. BUT — it wasn’t until the late 19th Century that, uh, they were discovered by George Washington Carver, the man who did more with the peanut than any man in history.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “What is the Latin plural of coius interruptus?”
a) Coiti interrupti b) Coitus interruptibus c) Coiti interruptarum d) In coitus maximus or e) None of the above
None! [ ding ] The correct plural of Coitus Interruptus is… Twins.
That’s all the time we have for tonight’s Sex Test, I hope you found it helpful. I’ve got a date… [ he reaches down ] and, fortunately, I have a nice gift, too! [ he holds up a wrapped gift ] Thank you and good night!
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Shouts Obscenities at House Plants” ]
[ fade ]
Steve Martin: I’d like to talk seriously just for a moment. One of the great art exhibitions ever to tour the United States is the Treasures of Tutankhamen – or King Tut. But I think it’s a national disgrace the way we have commercialized it with trinkets and toys, T-shirts and posters. And three months ago I was up in the woods, and I wrote a song. I tried to use the ancient modalities and melodies. I’d like to do it for you right now. Maybe we can all learn something.
Steve Martin: (King Tut. King Tut.) Now when he was a young man, he never thought he’d see People stand in line to see the boy king.
(King Tut) How’d you get so funky? (Funky Tut) Did you do the monkey? (Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia King Tut)
Now if I’d known they’d line up just to see him I’d have taken all my money and bought me a museum.
(King Tut) Buried with a donkey. (King Tut) He’s my favorite honky (Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia King Tut)
(Tut! Tut!) Dancing by the Nile! (Disco Tut! Tut!) The ladies love his style! (Boss Tut! Tut!) Walkin’ for a mile. (Rockin’ Tut! Tut!) He ate a crocodile. (Oooooh, wah-ooooh) He gave his life for tourism.
[ saxophonist pop out of crypt for a solo ]
Steve Martin: [ places electric blender at saxophonist’s feet ]Golden Idols! He’s an Egyptian!
Steve Martin: Now when I die, now don’t think I’m a nut Don’t want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut! (King Tut) He could have won a Grammy. (King Tut) Buried in his jammies. (Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia Born in Arizona)
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by Kierke Guard, the deodorant for sweaty, Danish philosophers. Here are anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd.
[Cut to Dan]
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Dan Aykroyd.
[Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin. Before we start, I’d like to take a moment to respond to some mail that we’ve received. Many of you have explained at times that I act in less than a professional manner. You say I become bitchy and lose my cool, hollering at Emily Litella or John Belushi or Roseanne Roseannadanna. You’re probably right. I do have some things that have been bothering [me] lately. Uh, my mother has Legionnaire’s Disease, but still, there is no reason letting my personal life interfere with my job as a responsible journalist, and I apologize. Never again will you see me lose my dignity by overreacting to any of my fellow correspondents, no matter how feeble they may be. [Raises her right hand] That’s a promise.
[Cut to Dan]
Dan Aykroyd: [nodding] Very well put, Jane. I’m, ah, sorry to hear about your mom. I was wondering why you were so cranky. I thought maybe you might be going through menopause.
[Audience laughter. Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: [smiling] No. Our top story tonight:
According to doctors at McGill University in Montreal, a substance called gum tragacanth, a thickening agent found in McDonald’s hamburger sauce — if you’re allergic to it — can cause itching, abdominal pain, a shortness of breath, a hives-like swelling of face, arms and trunk, and breathing difficulty due to a swollen larynx. A spokesman for McDonald’s reportedly commented “We do it all for you.”
The Environmental Protection Agency has ordered the American Motors Corporation to recall its entire output of 1976 cars due to a faulty pollution-control system. The offending devices have been snapped up by New York City slumlords, who will install them as air conditioners in substandard housing.
Dan Aykroyd: [clears his throat] The Treasury has just released the new metric conversion terms for American Federal Reserve currency, which will come into effect in 1981. The dollar will still be called the dollar, but quarters will be called quart-dollars, dimes will be deca-dollars, nickels will be penta-dollars, and pennies will be called hi-how-do-ya-do’s. No explanation was given.
Jane Curtin: And now, with this week’s review, here’s stargazer Bill Murray. Bill?
[Camera pans over to Bill Murray as audience applauds]
Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. Well, just like all the other critics in this country, I gave my Oscar predictions the week before the Academy Awards. But unlike all those other critics, tonight I’m here to ‘fess up on just how badly I did. Uh, pretty damn badly, I’m afraid. Other than Diane Keaton’s nod for Best Actress, the party animal here completely struck out. Not that I wasn’t pleased to see the Wood-man snag a couple. Hey, class move not to show up, Wood-man, I loved it. I was just surprised that Hollywood had the good sense to give ’em to him. But I must say I was disappointed by the Best Actor selection. Like so many people around this show, I expected Richard Burton to take it for what I understand was a superb performance in Equus. Uh, when Richard Dreyfuss won, I asked Warner Brothers to send over a clip to see if I was wrong. Here’s a clip, Goodbye Girl. Can we show it, please?
[Cut to clip labeled “The Goodbye Girl.” Instead of Richard Dreyfuss and Marsha Mason, the clip features John Belushi and Gilda Radner portraying the film’s main characters, Elliot Garfield and Paula McFadden]
Elliot Garfield: By the way, I sleep in the nude, naked, au naturel, ah-buffo! Them’s my rules, and that’s the way it’s gonna be! [breathes deeply] And another thing, [removes panties from the shower curtain rod] I don’t…like…the panties…hanging…on…the rod! [Hands the panties to Paula as the camera zooms in to a close-up of her face]
[Cut to different scene from the movie]
Elliot Garfield: What do you know? You’re ten years old. Three more years you wanna drive or then you burrrrn.
[Cut to bathroom, where Paula is finishing washing her face. As she turns to leave, Elliot hands her a towel and kisses her]
Paula McFadden: Don’t you ever do that again! [Turns around to dry her face with the towel]
Elliot Garfield: Ooo, your lips say “no-no-no,” but your eyes say “yes-yes-yes”! [Elliot kisses Paula on the back of the shoulder. Scene freezes. Dissolve back to Bill Murray as audience applauds]
Bill Murray: Uh, I’m sorry, but to all my good friends at the Academy, I still have to say uh-uh, no, no way. Richard, Drey, we have seen these movies before, all of them. This is the same Dreyfuss I saw in Jaws, American Graffiti and Duddy Kravitz. Well, actually, I didn’t see Graffiti and Kravitz, but this is what I heard, so…. Anyway, you are letting yourself slide, dude. You’re fat now! Disgustingly fat! Now get into shape or quit the business! Do you wanna do that, Richard? Diiiick? Lumpy, come on! All right, that’s the Richard I think I know. For those of you who don’t agree with me: I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. Now get outta here, ya knuckleheads, I mean it. Back to the original knucklehead, Jane, will you pass this on to Danny for me? [Bill gives Jane a noogie] You knucklehead! Pass it on! [applause]
Jane Curtin: [Smiles as Bill exits] Dan?
[Cut to Dan in front of an image of a policeman grabbing a protester on the face]
Dan Aykroyd: Thank you. Last week in Houston, Texas, a disturbance broke out during a demonstration marking the death of a Mexican-American who died last year while in police custody. Houston officials laughed off the incident, advised rioters to do the same, and as seen here, sent police in to teach the Mexican-Americans how to smile. Jane?
[Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: This week, the Air Force reported two UFOs off the coast of Florida. Here to comment further on this phenomenon is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.
[Applause as the camera pans over to Roseanne]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks, Jane. Mr. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey, writes in and says: “Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, Do you believe in UFOs? Have you ever seen a UFO? Have you had a contact with a UFO? Have you ever been beyond and back? Did you see Star Wars? Do you believe that we are not alone?” Mr. Feder, you ask a lotta questions for someone from New Jersey. But I know what you’re askin’ because once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, saw somethin’ that drove me crazy! It was a hot and clammy summer night, and I was sittin’ alone in my apartment. And I said to myself “Roseanne Roseannadanna, what you need is a ride in the country.” So, I got in my car and I start drivin’. And I love to drive, ’cause my car got an FM radio that I sing with. And I don’t wanna brag, but when I sing in my car, I sound just like Connie Francis! Well, it’s around ten o’clock at night. I didn’t know it, but off to the side of the road, there’s this drive-in movie theater, and they were showin’ this X-rated French movie called Le Sex Shop. And I was just ridin’ along, singin’ a song when all of a sudden, peekin’ through the trees, I saw the world’s biggest buttocks! Two big cheeks that was bouncin’ over the expressway. I thought I was gonna die! There it was in living color, a rectal eclipse! And underneath, there was words, you know, like, ah, subtitles? And this backside is talkin’ to me, sayin’ “Do you love me? I love you. Can you touch me, please. Hold me closer, darlin’. Kiss me, my honeybear.” I couldn’t believe it! Jane, tell me, did a rear end ever talk to you?
Jane Curtin: [Forcing herself to smile and remain calm] No, I-I don’t believe one ever has, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Boy, you sure are in a good mood today.
Jane Curtin: Yes I am, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well good, because, you know, Jane, you know what really makes me sick? Did you ever, like, get a little piece o’ stuff, like, in the corner of your eye, you know, and you take it out and go “What is this? Did this come outta me, you know? Where am I gonna put it?” Then you start–you just start rollin’ it around and rollin’ it around, rollin’ around your finger and you think “Where am I gonna put it?” You think “Where am I gonna put it?” And then, it doesn’t matter where you’re gonna put it ’cause when you look it disappears! [Looking at Jane] Where does that thing go?
Jane Curtin: I’m sorry, I don’t know, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [pointing to Jane’s eyes] Well, you better start thinkin’ about it ’cause you got a little piece o’ stuff right there. [Roseanne puts her arm around Jane] You know, Jane, I never noticed this, but, you know, you got a little moustache right there! Yeah, look at Jane, got a cute little tiny soft baby moustache right all blonde and cute and everything. [Jane starts to get annoyed] You know, you better not shave that ’cause it’ll grow back all black and thick and everything, okay?
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Aw, you’re welcome. You’re real wel–you know, you’re a very, very pretty girl. Very pretty. You know, I want you to tell me somethin’ just between you an’ me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, [pointing to Jane’s breasts] are both o’ your things the same size?
Jane Curtin: [Rips open her shirt to reveal her bra] CHECK FOR YOURSELF, ROSEANNE! [Roseanne puts her head in her hands as Jane recloses her shirt] I prom-I promised myself and my audience…that I wouldn’t lower myself to a level of the likes of you. Rectal eclipses, stuff that disappear when you put it in your fingers. I tried to contain myself when you took me apart piece by piece in front of millions of people. But I guess I’m just not that strong.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes ta show ya, it’s always something. And you know something? I thought you were a lot bigger than that. [Jane gasps and puts her head in her hands] Good night, have a pleasant tomorrow!
[Applause. Weekend Update theme plays. Roseanne waves. Dan tries to comfort Jane as she cringes. Fade]
Betty: Harold, are you asleep? Wake up, Harold — I have something to tell you.
Harold: [ muffled, under his pillow ] Can it wait ’til morning?
Betty: [ shaking him ] Harold, wake up, this is important!
Harold: [ arising ] Okay… What time is it? What is it? [ he glances at the clock ] It’s almost three o’clock in the morning, Betty.
Betty: Harold, are you listening?
Harold: Yes, I’m listening. [ he grabs his glasses ]
Betty: I’ve been cheating on you, Harold?
Harold: [ letting it sink in ] Betty, what are you saying?
Betty: I’m SAYING that I’ve BEEN with another man, Harold! I’m sorry, but it’s been DRIVING ME CRAZY keeping it to myself!
Harold: Ohhh… I can’t believe it. After 22 years of marriage. Who is it? No, don’t tell me. If I knew, I’d probably go out and KILL HIM right now!
Betty: Somebody you know, Harold.
Harold: NO, DON’T TELL ME!!
Betty: I’ve GOT to tell you! It’s the ONLY way I can live with myself! It’s Mr. Lampton!
Harold: Mr. Lampton? The druggist? He’s 72 years old! He’s old enough to be your FATHER!
Betty: [ grinning ] I know! And he’s a lot like my father, Harold — he tells me what to do, and what not to do, he rewards me when I’m good, and he SPANKS me when I’m bad, Harold.
Harold: Ohhhh, Mr. Lampton, huh? Well… [ coughing ] as long as you’re being so frank… I might as well tell you I’ve been fooling around, too, Betty.
Betty: [ amused ] You? Don’t make me laugh! [ she cracks up ]
Harold: Peggy Ann Randolph. [ he raises an eyebrow ]
Betty: I don’t believe it.
Harold: [ he shrugs ] What’s so hard to believe?
Betty: Harold, come on! She’s young enough to be your DAUGHTER!
Harold: [ smugly ] I know!
Betty: How can you keep up with her? She’d KILL you!
Harold: Well, you know, we all gotta go sometime. [ he puts his hands behind his head ] Ah, gee… you and old Mr. Lampton. I just can’t picture it!
Betty: Well, just picture this, Harold — and this happens every day: You go off to work, and I’m home wearing nothing but a housecoat. You know, the pink one you gave me last Christmas?
Betty: Underneath, I’m as NAKED as a jaybird!
Harold: You are?
Betty: Yeah! I sure am! I drive over to Mr. Lampton’s drugstore, I park in the back, I go in the back door, Old Man Lampton’s waiting for me. He’s wearing his white lab coat — also with nothing on underneath.
Betty: Yeah, like a wrinkled jaybird.
Betty: Harold, we both count to ten, we TEAR OFF our clothes, and RIGHT THERE on the FLOOR of the pharmacy!… he fills my prescription.
Harold: Yeah, I can picture that.
Betty: Good. Because I can’t picture you with Peggy Ann.
Harold: Well, then let me tell you. Every afternoon, when she’s finished with cheerleading practice, I pick up Peggy across from the school yard and, since I don’t want to be recognized, I disguise myself by wearing a, uh, cub scout uniform. Peggy Ann approaches the car and says, “Does Little Harold want to earn a merit badge?”
Betty: I don’t believe it.
Harold: Ah, well — you BETTER believe it! And I say, “Sure, I’d like a badge.” And then we drive into the woods. I build a fire, she fishes for minnows… and then we DO IT in a PUP TENT!
Betty: [ laughing ] What an imagination! “Pup tent”, that’s great! [ a beat ] I’m ready, how about you?
Harold: Not quite. Tell me about the back of the drugstore again. Now… you only had your housecoat on, right?
Betty: Yeah, my PINK housecoat.
Betty: I drive to the back, he’s got his lab coat on.
Betty: And we RIP OFF our clothes!
Betty: Oh, I forgot to tell you we’re BOTH WEARING RUBBER GLOVES!!!
Harold: [ ecstatic ] OHHHHH, WOW!! That did it! That’s it, I’m ready!
[ Betty begins to unroll her hair as Harold unbuttons his pajama top ]
Betty: Great story, Harold! Great story!
Harold: I love the rubber gloves!
Harold: What are we gonna do tomorrow night?
Betty: I don’t know. You want to look at the nude pictures of your parents again?
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Laraine Newman narrates drawings from the Son Of Sam trial. Stargazer Bill Murray gives his review of the “The Greek Tycoon” and attempts to call Jackie Onassis. Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd debate over who gets to hold which viewpoint during Point/Counterpoint.
Olympia CafeSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) sings “Baby Ghouls” with backing vocals from a vampire (Laraine Newman).
Recurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Niko Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis.
Don Kirshner…..Paul Shaffer Jake Blues…..John Belushi Elwood Blues…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on Don Kirschner ]
Don Kirschner: I’m Don Kirschner, and welcome to “Rock Concert”. In 1969, Marshall Checkers, of the legendary Checkers Records, called me on a new blues act that had been playing in a small, funky club on Chicago’s South Side. Today, with the help of Jerry Erdegan, and the staff of Pacific Records, their manager, Morey Daniels, and with the support of fellow artists Curtis Selgado and the Cray Band, they are no longer an authentic blues act, but have managed to become a viable commercial product. So now, let’s join “Joliet” Jake and his silent brother Elwood – The Blues Brothers.
[ pan down and dissolve to Jake and Elwood Blues, the Blues Brothers, performing on the stage below ]
Blues Brothers: [ singing ]“I went balling the other night I started drinking and got real tight I blew each and all my friends I felt so good I had to blow it again
I said Hey bartender Hey man, looka here A draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer
Well I saw a chick sitting on the end I said Baby can’t we be friends You’re looking sweet as you can be Well come on down and drink with me
I said Hey bartender Hey man looka here Draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer Elwood!
Well we was having so much fun I didn’t know it was half past one I turned around to have on more I looked at the clock and it was half past four
Hey bartender Hey man look a here A draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer
Well jukebox girl is everything All the cats began to sing I heard somebody called and said Last round for alcohol
I said Hey bartender Hey bartender Hey bartender Hey bartender Draw one, two, three, four glasses of beer.”
[ pan out and dissolve back to Don Kirschner up above ]
Don Kirschner: “Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”
Announcer: It’s time for the Franken & Davis Show, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!
[ dissolve to Home Base, as bare-chested Al and Tom enter amid great audience applause ]
Al Franken: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
Tom Davis: You know, uh — we’ve had so many requests for our Sumo Wrestler piece that, tonight, we just had to do it again! But, first — we’d like to introduce some VERY important people in the audience.
Al Franken: You know, there’s an old saying that behind every successful man… you’ll find a woman! And Tom and I are certainly no exceptions. So, tonight, ladies and gentlemen… I’d like you all to meet my lovely wife Darlene. She’s up there. [ he points toward the balcony ] Davey? Davey, can we get a shot of her? [ cut to shot of woman seated in balcony ] There she is! She’s over there! Ladies and gentlemen, my lovely wife Darlene! [ the audience applauds as Darlene smiles graciously ] And sitting next to her, is our son Al, Jr. [ camera pans over to a child-sized version of Al Franken ] Al, Jr. is nine years old, and he’s already in the Second Grade! And, sitting next to Al, Jr., ladies and gentlemen — Suzanne, the girl Tom lives with! [ camera pans over to a blonde woman, as the audience applauds her beauty ]
Tom Davis: [ seriously ] Al? Al, I can’t — I can’t live this lie any longer, ladies and gentlemen. Al just introduced his family and the girl I supposedly live with, to present a facade.
Al Franken: Tom…
Tom Davis: No! With all the Anita Bryant stuff going on… with all the DEFEAT of gay rights all across the United States, some people have to stand up and be counted! I think we should…
Al Franken: No, no…
Tom Davis: No, the truth of the — I mean it! The truth of the matter is: Al and I are homosexual lovers! I’d like to get that out.
Al Franken: DAMMIT, TOM!! Dammit!
Tom Davis: Al, listen — it was gonna come out sooner or later… I just thought it would be the best thing — RIGHT NOW!
Al Franken: [ nervously ] Ladies and gentlemen, uh — Tom is just joking! [ laughing ] This is part… of the routine!
Tom Davis: This is NOT a part of our routine, ladies and gentlemen. This is NOT a joke. Al and I are homosexual lovers, and we are PROUD of it! Both of us! I’d just like to say that. And, uh —
Al Franken: [ miffed ] Tom… how could you do that to us? In front of everybody… ESPECIALLY in front of my WIFE and KID! How can you do…?
Tom Davis: [ stunned ] Well, don’t they know?
Al Franken: No, they don’t know! NO! [ he hangs his head ] In front of all these people! And all the MILLIONS of people at home!
Tom Davis: That’s… that’s EXACTLY my point, Al! I — I — I wanted to make this announcement tonight… and… and… and these people are with you. They like you, they respect you… I think, in fact, they probably respect you MORE. Ladies and gentelmen, don’t you respect Al more now that you know? Now that you know…
[ the audience boos wildly ]
Tom Davis: Now that…
Al Franken: [ aggravated ] You — you see?! You see?!
Voice of Al, Jr.: I HATE YOU, DADDY!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!
[ cut to Al, Jr. standing in the audience ]
Al, Jr.: I HATE YOU, DADDY!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!
[ Al, Jr. storms away from the balcony, as Al’s wife runs after him ]
Voice of Al, Jr.: [ trailing off ] I HATE YOU, DADDY!! I HATE YOU!!
Al Franken: [ to Tom ] You see? Not only you ruined MY life…. but you ruined little Al, Jr.’s, too!
Tom Davis: [ calmly ] Al… you’re taking this…
Al Franken: [ furiously ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY YOU DID THIS, TOM!!!
Tom Davis: You’re taking this the wrong way…
Al Franken: [ shoving Tom ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY YOU DID THIS!! I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SORRY YOU DID THIS!!
Tom Davis: Come on! Let’s just do the Sumo…
Al Franken:[ shoving Tom ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY, TOM!! I’m GONNA MAKE YOU SORRY [ he runs behind the stage curtain ]
Tom Davis: Oh, stop the theatrics! Come back here! [ to the audience ] I’m so sorry — [ to Al, behind the curtain ] Al, come here! Put that gun down! Don’t put that gun to your head!
[ a gunshot fires off, and Al’s body drops behind the curtain as his leg dangles outward ]
[ Tom returns to face the audience ]
Tom Davis: [ sullen ] Uh… well, that’s the end of the show… Good night, everybody…
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: The Franken & Davis Show is brought to you by… [ ad card appears ] The Communist Party of America. Working for a BETTER tomorrow! And, now — here’s Al and Tom!
[ dissolve back to Al and Tom onstage ]
Al Franken: Just kidding, everybody!
Tom Davis: He didn’t really shoot himself!
Al Franken: Good night, everybody!
Tom Davis: Good night!
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Can’t Keep Anything Down” ]
[ fade ]
Theodoric of York…..Steve Martin William…..Dan Aykroyd Broom Gilda…..Gilda Radner Joan…..Jane Curtin Hunchback…..John Belushi Drunkard…..Bill Murray
Announcer: [ over scolling SUPER ] “In the Middle Ages, medicine was still in its infancy. The art of healing was conducted not by physicians, but by barbers. The medieval barbers were the forerunners of today’s men of medicine, and many of the techniques they developed are still practiced today. This is the story of one such barber.”
William: Hello, Theodoric of York. Well, it’s springtime, and I’ve come for my haircut and bloodletting.
Theodoric of York: Hello, William, Son of Malcolm the Tanner. Have a seat. Broom Gilda, you start on William’s hair, and I’ll open a vein here.
Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.
Theodoric of York: How’s that baby I delivered last Christmas when your wife died?
William: Oh, the little fellow is deformed.
Theodoric of York: Oh, that’s right. I remember now. [ cuts William’s vein, as his blood spills into a bowl ]
Announcer: And now, it’s time for another episode of “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber”.
Theodoric of York: There you go. Looks like I have another patient. I’ll be back in a minute to see how you’re doing.
William: Right. Thank you.
[ Theodoric approaches Joan, who stands next to her daughter ]
Joan: Hello, Theodoric, Barber of York.
Theodoric of York: Hello, Joan, Wife of Simkin the Miller. Well, how’s my little patient doing?
Joan: Not so well, I fear. We followed all your instructions – I mixed powder of staghorn, gum of arabic with sheep’s urine, and applied it in a poultice to her face.
Theodoric of York: And did you bury her up to her neck in the marsh and leave her overnight?
Joan: Oh, yes. But she still feels as listless as ever, if not more.
Theodoric of York: Well, let’s give her another bloodletting. Broom Gilda.
Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.
Theodoric of York: Take two pints.
Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.
Joan: Will she be alright?
Theodoric of York: Well, I’ll do everything humanly possible. Unfortunately, we barbers aren’t gods. You know, medicine is not an exact science, but we are learning all the time. Why, just fifty years ago, they thought a disease like your daughter’s was caused by demonic possession or witchcraft. But nowadays we know that Isabelle is suffering from an imbalance of bodily humors, perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach.
Joan: Well, I’m glad she’s in such good hands.
Hunchback: [ pulls Drunkard forward in a cart ] Is this Theodoric, Barber of York?
Theodoric of York: Say, don’t I know you?
Hunchback: Sure, you worked on my back.
Theodoric of York: What’s wrong with your friend here?
Hunchback: He broke his legs.
Drunkard: I was at the festival of the vernal equinox, and I guess I had a little too much mead.. and I darted out in front of an oxcart. It all happened so fast. They couldn’t stop in time.
Theodoric of York: Well, you’ll a lot better after a good bleeding.
Drunkard: But I’m bleeding already!
Theodoric of York: Say, whos the barber here?
Drunkard: Okay, okay, just do something for my legs.
Theodoric of York: Well, the three of us will get you up on the gibbet here. [ turns Drunkard upside-down, then spreads his legs apart ] Okay, now this is gonna hurt a little. What we’re doing is separating your broken bones, and if you don’t feel better tomorrow, we’ll just cut his legs off about here.
Theodoric of York: I guess this will teach you to go easy on the mead. Broom Gilda put a few leeches on his forehead.
[ Broom Gilda complies ]
Drunkard: Thank you.
Theodoric of York: [ to William ] When was the last time you came in for a worming?
William: I guess I’m due.. but I don’t have time today. Please accept my payment – this fine, fat goose. [ hands over goose ]
Theodoric of York: Thank you. Broom Gilda will give you your change. [ returns to Joan ] So, how’s the little patient doing? Joan: She’s worse. She’s looking pale.
Theodoric of York: Well, if she’s not responding to treatment, I’m afriad we’ll have to run some more tests. Broom Gilda, bring me the Caladrius Bird.
Joan: Caladrius Bird?
Theodoric of York: Yes. The Caladrius Bird is placed beside a patient. If the bird looks at a patient’s face, she will live; but if it looks at her feet, she will die. Okay, now, Freddy, come on out. [ unleashes bird from cage, but it just flies off ] I don’t know how to interpret that. Did you see Broom Gilda?
Broom Gilda: No.
Theodoric of York: Well, I guess, take another pint from Isabelle – and while you’re at it, take two pints from the bird.
Broom Gilda: [ feels paitnet ] She’s dead.
Joan: Dead! Dead! I can’t believe it! My little daughter dead!
Theodoric of York: Now, Mrs. Miller, you’re distraught, tired.. you may be suffering from nervous exhaustion. I think you’d feel better if I let some of your blood.
Joan: You charlatan! You killed my daughter, just like you killed most of my other children! Why don’t you admit it! You don’t know what you’re doing!
Theodoric of York: [ steps toward the camera ] Wait a minute. Perhaps she’s right. Perhaps I’ve been wrong to blindly folow the medical traditions and superstitions of past centuries. Maybe we barbers should test these assumptions analytically, through experimentation and a “scientific method”. Maybe this scientific method could be extended to other fields of learning: the natural sciences, art, architecture, navigation. Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a Renaissance! [ thinks for a minute ] Naaaaaahhh!
Announcer: Tune in next week for another episode of “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber”, when you’ll hear Theodoric say:
Theodoric of York: A little bloodletting and some boar’s vomit, and he’ll be fine!
[ dissolve to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Extra-Sensory Conception” ]
[ pan to fade ]
Buck Henry: Good night, folks! They’ll all be back in the Fall — or not. See you then. Thank you for coming!
[ Dan Aykroyd steps forward to show off his t-shirt ]
Announcer: Be sure to watch encore performances of “Saturday Night Live” right through the summer. Beginning this Saturday, with host O.J. Simpson. And now, this is Don Pardo sinking into the Summer of ’78. Good night.
Bill…..Steve Martin Male Co-Worker #1…..Bill Murray Female Co-Worker…..Jane Curtin Male Co-Worker #2…..Garrett Morris Male Patron…..Tom Davis Waitress #1…..Gilda Radner Female Patron…..Rosie Shuster Ray Swangen…..John Belushi Ray’s Friend…..Dan Aykroyd Waitress #2…..Laraine Newman Other Patrons…..Anne Beatts, Jim Downey, Brian Doyle-Murray, Al Franken, Mitchell Laurance, Tom Schiller
[ open on group of four co-workers approaching elevator ]
Bill: So… where are we going to take lunch?
Male Co-worker #1: For God’s sake, let’s pick someplace close by.
Female Co-worker: Well, there’s Fujiwa.
Male Co-worker #2: No, no… Japanese food makes me sweat.
Female Co-worker: How about that Italian place?
Male Co-worker #1: I had Italian last night, if you don’t mind.
Bill: How about that new place, the Troff ‘n’ Brew?
Female Co-worker: Oh, I don’t know… I’ve been there once, and it was all right…
Bill: Come on! Let’s go there! It’s close by, they know me in there, it’s got great lighting, great chili. Come on, let’s go.
[ the elevator dings ]
Male Co-worker #1: I could use some chili.
[ they step into the elevator and grumble amongst themselves as the doors close ]
[ dissolve to the interior of the Troff ‘n’ Brew, Male Patron #1 leaning over a bucket drinking beer straight from the tap as Waitress #1 works the spigot. He then dunks his head into the bucket of beer. ]
[ slow pan across the chili trough, as various patrons lean over to eat their lunch, including Ray Swangen and his buddy ]
Ray’s Buddy: Ray… I’ll tell ya’ — I gotta go next week, and I gotta entertain Herb Cochran’s wife, and I was wondering if you could get me some tickets for the Yankee-Red Sox game. It might give me the opportunity I’ve been looking for to, you know, take his temperature, saw off any old wounds.
Ray Swangen: Uhhhh — no problem! I’ll send a memo to, uh, to Doris, and I’ll set it up. I’d like to have Herb Cock in my corner!
Ray’s Buddy: Yeah. Absolutely.
[ Waitress #2 steps forward with a fresh bucket of chili ]
Waitress #2: Everything okay here?
Ray’s Buddy: Yeah! It’s good!
Waitress #2: Heads up! More chili!
[ she pours the chili out of the bucket and even scoops the bottom of the bucket by hand. Ray and his buddy lean over to eat the fresh chili. ]
[ Bill and his co-workers enter and grab their bibs ]
Male Co-worker #2: Hey! This place is really nice! Who owns these Troff ‘n’ Brews, anyway?
Female Co-worker: Somebody told me it’s another Dining Associates chain. Six or seven of ’em just opened up in the city.
[ the two co-workers dig into the chili ]
Female Co-worker: This place isn’t always crowded. It’s good chili — I have to be careful not to eat too much, though.
[ pan over to Bill and his fellow co-worker digging into the chili ]
Male Co-worker #1: You know… we had better send that Telex out to Detroit right after lunch. I’m gonna step over here to a brew basin and wash this down with some cold brewski.
Bill: Yeah, I could suck back some cold beer.
[ they walk over to the beer buckets ]
[ pan over to Ray and his buddy slurping beer from a bucket in the far corner ]
Ray’s Buddy: Hey, Ray?
Ray Swangen: Yeah?
Ray’s Buddy: Who’s picking up the tab for this feast?
Ray Swangen: I’ll do it. I’ll sign in my company — I’m known here. [ he looks up ] Hey, Waitress!
Waitress #1: [ stepping forward ] Yes, Sir!
Ray Swangen: Uh — I’d like a tab. You know? Ray Swangen Industries.
Waitress #1: Uh, yeah — how many heads?
Ray Swangen: Two.
Waitress #1: Two head! Alright. Sign here. [ Ray signs the tab ] Thank you!
Ray’s Buddy: Ah, beautiful! Thanks a lot, Ray! I’ll get you next week.
Ray Swangen: Ah, whatever.
[ they continue to sip beer from the bucket, as an announcement comes over ]
P.A. V/O: The Troff ‘n’ Brew is closing for a one half-hour hosedown. Please stop feeding, pay your check, and LEAVE by the MAIN exit present!
[ Waitress #2 begins hosing off patrons’ faces ]
P.A. V/O: Please deposit your bibs in the Bib Bin and head to the MAIN exit! One half-hour hosedown —
[ patrons corral toward the exit like cattle, and make just as much noise in the process ]
[ pan upward into the audience, where one man peers over the balcony onto the stage with great interest ]
[ the camera zooms onto the woman seated next to him, with SUPER: “Looked Better In Ticket Line” ]
[ fade ]