[Dissolve from opening credits to Richard Dreyfuss, dressed as Hamlet and holding an Academy Award.]
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Dreyfuss!
[Richard walks down the stairs to home base as audience applauds.]
Richard Dreyfuss: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Feel really stupid. [Laughter] I feel like I’m gonna throw up. Ah, I suppose I should explain this. Um, see, I just wanted to come out here, you know, this part of the show to talk to you as myself. But, ah, a certain Not Ready For Prime Time Player said that people are gonna wanna see you act. After all, not every one of our hosts has won the Academy Award, which is true. And anyway, this certain Not Ready For Prime Time Player said that some people didn’t think I deserved the Oscar. Some people thought that Richard Burton deserved the Oscar, said Richard Burton was great in “Hamlet,” y’know, and, ah, said if you’re such a good actor, let’s see you do “Hamlet.” So I said “I don’t think I have to prove anything, you know, just because I won the Academy Award,” and he said “You mean you are supposedly the best actor in the world, [laughter] and you’re afraid to play Hamlet.” So I said “Hold it, hold it, hold it. I’m not the best actor in the world, but, uh, I’m not afraid to play anything, John!” [laughter] So clearly, I-I walked right into it here. And, ah, so, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I have to do this, uh. Hamlet’s soliloquy, Act 3, Scene 1, by William Shakespeare.
[The stage lights dim, with Richard remaining in a single spotlight.]
Richard Dreyfuss: To be, or not to be. That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them. [pauses]
John Belushi: [off-camera] To die, to sleep. [audience laughter]
Richard Dreyfuss: What? What did you say?
John Belushi: To die, to sleep.
Richard Dreyfuss: Why are-Why are you doing this?
John Belushi: [Stepping onto the stage] I was just giving you the line, Richard. I could see you were in trouble here.
Richard Dreyfuss: No, no, no. [Stage lights come back up] I was not in trouble.
John Belushi: Well, there was that long gap, there, you know. I figured you forgot your lines.
Richard Dreyfuss: No, it was not a gap, John.Â It was a dramatic pause, you know. It’s a way of communicating to the audience the meaning of the words and you ruined it, you blew the moment for me.
John Belushi: Well, hey, look. All I know is I saw a fellow actor in trouble, and I came out to help you, you know?
Richard Dreyfuss: Silence is not trouble, John. Silence is not trouble. Sometimes a moment filled with silence can say a lot more than a moment filled with words.
John Belushi: Okay, okay, you know. I know you don’t do TV. You know, I just thought you lost your place on the cue cards, that’s all.
Richard Dreyfuss: I don’t use cue cards, John, and when I’m doing Shakespeare, actors who do Shakespeare do not use cue cards, you know?
John Belushi: [sarcastically] Ooooo, Shakespeare! Well, What do I know, huh? I’m just a sleazy, late night TV actor, is that it?
Richard Dreyfuss: No, no, I didn’t mean that–
John Belushi: No, no, what do I know about Shakespeare, huh? Mr. Oscar, Mr. Best Actor. Now, Richard Burton, now there’s an actor. When he did Hamlet, when he did Hamlet he was great. He didn’t have to use any pauses. But it takes one drink, and Hollywood blackballs him! Huh, Mr. New Hollywood Establishment? You know? At least when George C. Scott won the Oscar, he didn’t accept it! You know? Marlon Brando sent up an Indian! Now, you could’ve sent up an Indian, but nooooo! You run up there, you “whoo-hoo-hoo, I could stay up here all night.” Maybe I’m just a struggling TV actor, right? Maybe I didn’t win the Oscar, you know? Maybe I have to work every week just to keep my family in clothes and drugs, you know? Maybe I don’t know that much about Shakespeare, you know, or about pausing or England. But I know one thing, [takes the Oscar from Richard] you didn’t deserve this Oscar. [John punches Richard in the stomach and walks offstage. Audience applauds. Stage lights dim again as Richard tries to restart his performance]
Richard Dreyfuss: To be, or… [pouting] I don’t wanna do this anymore. [Takes off Hamlet wig] We’ll be right back. [Walks out of the spotlight as audience applauds]
Nick…Bill Murray Paul…Paul Shaffer Joan…Gilda Radner Bill…John Belushi Jeff Greenspoon…Richard Dreyfuss Mrs. Liebowitz…Laraine Newman Jimmy Joe Red Sky…Dan Aykroyd People at Table…Anne Beatts, Mitchell Laurance, Rosie Shuster
[Open on close-up of a Univox SR-120 drum machine. Camera pans back to show Nick adjusting the dials before greeting the audience from onstage]
Nick: Welcome to the Honeymoon Room here at the Pocomont. I’m Nick Springs, and I’m here to entertain you.
[Paul begins playing “I Love To Love You, Baby” on the piano]
Nick: Ha-ha! [Gyrates and sings]“I… I love to love you, baby. I… I love to love you baby [Turns up the tempo on the drum machine]I… I love to love you, baby I… I love to love you, baby [Turns up the tempo some more]I… I love to love you, baby Ah-ha… I love to love you, baby [Turns up the tempo even more]Ahh… I love to love you, baby Ahh-Ahh… I love to love you, baby Ah! Ah! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhhhhh! [Turns drum machine off]I love to love you — and only you forever and ever — babyyyy!”
[Crowd applauds as Nick lights a cigarette]
Nick: Thank you very much. Was it as good for you as it was for me? I hope so. How many people here in the Honeymoon Room tonight believe in the institution of marriage, can I hear from you? [Crowd applauds] Yeah, I had a feeling. How many people here from New Jersey? [Crowd applauds] Yeah, thought so, I thought so. Yeah, there’s a lotta love over there in Jersey, lotta love. [Walks over to a seated couple with calamine lotion on their faces] How about you two, where are you from?
Joan: Passaic. Uh, Mrs. Joan Shomer.
Nick: How long’ve you been married?
Joan: Two days.
Nick: Is this the lucky guy?
Bill: Yes. Ah, Bill Shomer, from Seacaucus, now Passaic.
Nick: What’s the pink stuff all over your face, kids?
Bill: Aw, it’s calamine lotion.
Joan: Well, the-the first thing we did when we got here was do a little private, ah, sunbathing, and there was poison ivy in the woods.
Nick: Ooo-hoo-hoo, well, I hate to say it, but I coulda told you so, Shomers. [Stands up] You two are gonna have an unusual honeymoon this week because… [sings]“You can look, but you better not touch You’re gonna need an ocean of calamine lotion Ah, you’ll be scratchin’ like a hound The minute you start to mess around With poison ivy, poison ivy.”
Well, it looks like this marriage seems to be working, huh? [Walks to another table] This marriage seems to be working, am I right?
People At Table: You bet. Overtime, man!
Nick: Ah-ha, good one! [Walks to a table with only a man seated] This marr–where is she? [Walks to a table with a man whispering into a woman’s ear. They both cover their faces when Nick introduces them] Uh-oh, here is Jeff Greenspoon. He’s a guy in the industry that I wanna tell you about, just a minute, but first he’s got a lovely young lady with him. Hey, nymph, what’s your name?
Mrs. Liebowitz: [mumbles] Mrs. Liebowitz.
Nick: I’m sorry, what’s that?
Mrs. Liebowitz: [mumbles] Mrs. Liebowitz.
Nick: I’m sorry, I can’t hear. Please. Thank you.
Mrs. Liebowitz: Mrs. … Liebowitz.
Nick: Oh! Oh! Are you the wife of the man who injured himself when he slipped in one of our heart-shaped bathtubs up here?
Mrs. Liebowitz: That’s right. He’s lying down in our room now.
Nick: Well that is too bad. Could we send a complimentary bottle of Andre champagne over to their room on Nick Springs. And–How about that?
Mrs. Liebowitz: Thank you.
Nick: And now this crazy nut, Jeff Greenspoon, [Jeff covers his eyes with his hand] this is a guy who believed in me when no one did, and the guy who booked me in here at the Pocomont. C’mon, give him a hand! Stand up, would ya Jeff?
[Jeff stands halfway up with his head down, then quickly sits again]
Nick: How do ya feel, Jeff?
Jeff Greenspoon: Ah, wonderful, Nick. I couldn’t-a done it without you. Just keep on doin’ what you’re doin’. Keep your collar open, move around a lot, use the microphone.
Nick: Well, right you are. You know, Jeff, Jeff is a Jew. But he’s always been more than fair with me, and I love that about him. Any requests, Mrs. Liebowitz?
Mrs. Liebowitz: [frustrated] No!
Nick: All right. Jeff and Mrs. Liebowitz, this one is for you. [sings]“Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah, hey v’nismicha Hava nah-in-din-din, Hava nah-in-din-din Hava ah-lah, hey v’nismicha Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo Uru achim, b’lev somayach, Uru achim, b’lev somayach Uru achim, b’lev somayach, Uru achim, b’lev somayach Uru achim…”
ay-ya! [Turns on the drum machine, imitates the beats and bobs his head as he turns up the tempo] The Univox SR-120, ladies and gentlemen!
“Uru achim! Dun-dun da-da da-da daaaaaa!”
Thank you! Ah! I happen to know Hava Nagilah. Hey, I see the groundskeeper for the Pocomont, Jimmy Joe Red Sky! Come on up here, J.J.!
[Crowd applauds as Jimmy Joe Red Sky walks onstage carrying a dripping dead squirrel]
Nick: Tell the kids what they can do during the daytime here at Pocomont.
Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Well, all the tennis courts are about ready and the driving range, and you can rent your clubs and balls for five bucks. And look at this! [Holds up the squirrel]
Nick: A squirrel!
Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Yeah, I was cleaning out the pool and I found this little guy in the filter. But you can go swimmin’. I just put a lotta chlorine in the water, so don’t open your eyes underwater for a few days. I need a drink, Nick. [walks offstage and exits]
Nick: Ha, it’s on Nick Winter–Nick Springs. Just a second, keep your eyes closed? That was a good one, wasn’t it? Everybody heard that? Ha! Hey, my accompanist, Paul Shaffer. Come on, everyone in the room. [Crowd applauds as Paul partially stands up] Hey, did any–who was playin’ the music so loud this morning? Anybody? Did anybody hear some real loud music about six o’clock? Paul, did you?
Paul: Yes, I did.
Nick: Did it go something like [sings] “da-da-da, da-da” [Paul imitates the melody on the piano] Yeah. [Nick pauses, then turns to the crowd as Paul plays a downward crescendo on the piano] Dah! How many of you were fooled? Come on, hands! [Everyone raises their hands] I got everybody, ha-ha! [sings]“A first encounter, you Next encounter, me The third encounter’s love The Close Encounters, theeeeme Close Encounters theme.”
Thank you! Good night, everybody! Go to your rooms!
[dissolve to wide studio shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Justifiable Pesticide”]
[Applause and fade]
Pedro…John Belushi Woman…Gilda Radner Announcer…Dan Aykroyd …Buddy Williams …Bill Murray
[Open on Pedro and a woman harvesting marijuana in a field. A plane is heard flying overhead as it dumps a white powder onto the crops]
Woman: Pedro! Pedro, this must be a sign from Our Lady of Guadalupe. It hasn’t snowed in Sonora for 192 years. It’s a MIRACLE!
Pedro: It’s not a miracle! It’s Paraquat!
Woman: Pedro, is this a sign that we will have an early harvest?
Pedro: Darn right we’re gonna have an early harvest, like tonight! We gonna cut and bathe this stuff right away, we can still sell it to the Gringos.
Woman: But Pedro, doesn’t it cause irreversible lung damage?
Pedro: Have you been reading newspapers again, huh? [Slaps woman] Wha’d you been doing, huh? [Slaps her two more times] Come on, work, work! It’s harvest time! HARVEST TIME!
Announcer: Yes, Paraquat does affect the quality of marijuana, but it does not affect the importation and traffic. One afternoon from this secluded valley in Sonora province, Mexico [Dissolve to North American map with a mule placed over Sonora] one-hundred tons of Paraquat-treated marijuana was transported by mule [mule moves to a plane just south of Texas] to a point 30 miles south of the United States border at York, Texas. Here, 50 tons was transferred to six converted Lockheed Hudson C-40 transport planes with flight plans for the American Midwest. [Plane on map moves north to Kansas, where a semi truck is positioned] Six hours later, the six cannabis-carrying transport planes touched down safely in the wheat field of a high-volume dealer near Pitkin, Kansas, where most of the payload was seized by federal and state law enforcement officials acting on an elderly neighbor’s tip. [Plane falls off map] But before the lawmen could surround the area, ten tons were concealed in a refrigerated tractor-trailer unit hauling a load of fresh zucchini [semi drives east to a van positioned in Kentucky] Agricultural officials stopped the tractor trailer at Bowling Green, Kentucky and, while making a random inspection, they discovered the marijuana in the zucchini. Of the ten tons on that truck, nine were seized by drug enforcement agency representatives [semi falls off map] who accepted a large bribe to let the only remaining ton leave the state safely in a customized van [van drives southeast to a saxophone player in Georgia]. This shipment was delivered to a professional cannabis broker in Macon, Georgia. This broker subsequently sold two pounds to a black musician, who returned to New York City. [Sax player moves northeast to New York] The musician took some paraquat-treated joints to work one night, and passed one of them to a young actor.
[Dissolve to Bill Murray accepting a joint from SNL bass player Buddy Williams]
Bill Murray: Are you sure this stuff is okay?
Buddy Williams: Oh yes, man. I swear it’s Colombian.
[Bill takes a few puffs, gags and coughs]
Bill Murray: [in a raspy voice] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ open on dark apartment, as couple enters and turns on the lights ]
Judi: I STILL don’t understand why you didn’t like the SALAD!
Richard: I told you, because I hate pimentos! [ he picks up the TV Guide ]
Richard: So I hate pimentos! You know? Because you don’t know what they are! I mean, what are pimentos? They’re red things you put in olives and salads, but what are they? Actual things, you know? Do they grow on farms? Are there pimento farms? What?!
Judi: I don’t think it’s necessary to know if there are pimento farms in order to eat salads that contain pimentos!
Richard: You know, I’ve never known you to interrogate me about a garnish before.
Judi: Well, it’s not just the garnish, okay? It’s other things… it’s bigger things.
Richard: [ reading the TV Guide ] Let’s see… Thursday at 10:30, what have we got?
Judi: [ she sighs ] Okay! Avoiding the subject! Building up a nice uncomfortable SILENCE, that’ll be FUN!
Richard: Do you think anything good is on?
Judi: Is that your favorite sentence — “Is anything good on?”
Richard: NO! My favorite sentence is “Hello, hurt me!”
Judi: Oh, well, I guess this is going to be the part of the evening where we watch TV and… you mouth the lines with them on “The Honeymooners”.
Richard: [ reading ] “Felix and Oscar get invited to a bowling tournament.” I saw that this afternoon! That was on this afternoon! I hate that! I hate when they put on in the afternoon what they’re gonna put on in the evening!
Judi: You hate it, but you’ll watch it.
Richard: True. True. I’m into a LOT of things I hate!
[ he turns the TV on and sits to watch “The Odd Couple”, as she sits down and endures it for as long as she can ]
Judi: [ she turns the TV off ] Whhhhyyyyy are we watching this show?!
Richard: Because it’s GOOD!
Judi: I HATE that expression, “Because it’s GOOD!” That’s what people say to describe mediocre Chinese restaurants and movies they don’t understand!
Richard: What’s the matter with good?
Judi: It’s such a NOTHING concept! It’s like “nuts”, “good”, and “nice”, they all wave to each other from across the dictionary!
Richard: You know, that is EXACTLY the kind of thing you would say! That is EXACTLY the kind of… dot-your-I’s-with-little-circles outlook on life that you have, you know?
Judi: [ taking offense ] I don’t dot my eyes with little circles!
Richard: You spell your name with an I! “Judi” with an I! Which, in 1967, I will just BET was topped by an adorable little circle!
Judi: Um, no, it wasn’t.
Richard: Yeah. Or a heart! It was ADORABLE, you know?! You know when you get adorable? You know, like, uh, like when you put on my old flannel shirt — which you put on because you say it’s more comfortable, but really it’s because it’s BIG on you, and you think you look adorable in it! This is a true thing about you! There’s lots of latent adorableness! If you don’t watch out, one day you’re gonna put on my shirt, get a “Honk If You’re Horny” bumper sticker, and buy lots of, uh — uh — “Jottings From Judi” stationery!
Judi: [ throwing her arms in the air ] This is my FAVORITE conversation pf my LIFE!
Richard: You don’t mind, I’m just gonna mouth the words with Felix and Oscar, okay?
Judi: Oh, enjoy! [ a beat ] Pimento bigot!
Richard: Plus — you LOVE calling potato chips… “that poison”! You just LOVE calling potato chips and candy… “THAT POISON!!” These are foods which, for many years, you ATE DAILY!! But now, you love to call them “THAT POISON!!” I still enjoy these foods! I AM waiting for the day that I’ll have the penaut butter cup attack that’ll kill me! But until then, I’m sucking ’em down, sister! Sucking down the poison, which I would prefer you did not mention! You know? Basically, this makes me PUKE! Okay?
Judi: Thank you so very much.
Richard: I mean… I’m onto you. You know? Eating pimentos, putting down potato chips. You could really convince me that you’re one of those perfume ad Today girls, except that I know for a fact that you’re tow favorite movies are Fellini’s “Satyricon” and “Where The Boys Are”.
Judi: You know… when you lick a joint, you always hold your tongue so that it looks like you’re licking the paper in the most efficient possible way. I have actually seen you watch yourself doing this in nearby toasters or things that reflect — watched you… practice your time!
Judi: So! That is life! That is YOU in life! Afraid to eat pimentos! Practicing your tongue! YOU are Mr. Rigid! Never leaves the house without Kleenex. You know — I know you. I know that every time you write a name in your address book, you have to write it in the SAME felt-tip pen as all the other names in your address ook are written in! I’ve seen you skip over whole working Bic pens, looking for a black felt-tip one!
Richard: Look! I am not Mr. Rigid! I may not be king of the gypsies, but I’m not Mr. Rigid! I like to think of myself as Mr. Good Sense! They know me at the cleaners… I like getting those coupons at the supermarket that you have to scrape away the top to see if it says “You Win $1,000.” I like that! I enjoy it! I look forward to it! I like simple things! You know? I like Blue Shield and Blue Cross! This, to me, is pleasure. I am planted firmly on the Earth — and so are you. Which leads me to believe that, uh, I don’t know what this big hoo-hah is all about! I mean, obviously, something else is on your mind. What is it?
[ he waits ]
Judi: You open your mouth too far when you kiss. I mean, you know when we’re kissing and I sort of try to close my mouth a little? Well, that’s to indicate to you that your mouth is open too FAR for me! I mean, this is a SIGNAL! [ she smiles maliciously ] Should we go on?
Richard: [ he makes a frustrated face ] Okay. Ohhhh-kay! [ he whips off his jacket ] Foreplay! Alright? Foreplay! Okay! You know that thing when you kiss me in those little circles that get bigger and bigger all around my back? And then you start working your way into crucial areas very slowly, to add to the excitement? It’s boring! I never told you this, because I can tell you worked real hard on timing! You know? Not to go too fast, not too go too slow… and you got this real good build-up to ecstasy. So I haven’t said anything, you know? Not to hurt your feelings. But it’s BOR-ING!! It’s like sitting through Coming Attractions!
Judi: Last week, you tied me up!
Richard: You asked me to!
Judi: We agreed!
Richard: I know we agreed!
Judi: Then you left the room!!! You LEFT the room!!
Richard: [ meekly ] Well, I can’t go to sleep without brushing my teeth.
Judi: I WAS TIED UP!! Did I look like I was going to sleep?!!
Richard: Alright, HOW much longer is this going to take?!
Judi: This is it! Also, once, very recently… I wrapped my legs around your chest. And it ended up to be for absolutely… no… reason! I mean, while I was doing it, I was thinking, “I’m not exactly sure why I’m doing it, but I’m sure I’ll find out.” Only… like, either you got confused, or you couldn’t remember how to do what you were thinking, or something! THe point is: It was for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!! And I looked stupid DOING IT!! THe fact is, ALL sex looks very stupid on the whole! So if you’re gonna do something, and you KNOW it looks stupid, it’s GOT to be for a REASON!! That’s all!! It really should!! That’s all!!
Richard: [ confused ] I have to digest this… I’m one of those digestives.
[ she sits next to him, as he mulls over their conversation ]
Judi: [ seductively ] Is anything good on?
Richard: [ he turns to look at her ] Nah.
[ he tosses the TV Guide over his shoulder, turns the TV off, as they take each other’s hand and slowly retreat tp the bedroom ]
[ a lone audience member yells, “Yeah!” ]
[ dissolve to wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Germ As A household Pet” ]
[ fade ]
…..Richard Dreyfuss Dr. Candice Brightman…..Laraine Newman Dr. Judd Quimson…..Bill Murray Dr. Francine Shoes…..Gilda Radner Dr. Herbert Rice…..Garrett Morris
[ open on “Sex Test” title card ]
[ dissolve to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: Good evening. This is Richard Dreyfuss. Our show is called “The Sex Test”. It is designed to promote good sexual health by dealing with some of the most common questions and misconceptions surrounding sex. Where needed, we will have amplication from psychologists and sex specialists. Sex is a delicate subject, and as such, we do advise parental discretion in viewing. It should be noted that sex education is preferable to sexual ignorance. And if you remove the children from the room, they’ll probably turn out as screwed up as you are.
Let’s move on to our first question: “How many times a week should a couple have sex if they’ve been married for 8 years?”
a) 4 Times b) 8 Times c) 16 Times
B — 8 Times is correct. [ ding ]
“How many times a week should a couple have se if they’ve been married 16 years?”
a) 4 Times b) 8 Times c) 16 Times
C — 16 Times. [ ding ] Very surprising. Yes, you should have sex as many times each week as the number of years in your marriage. Which is why the average marriage lasts only 15 years.
“In sex, does it matter if the woman is not satisfied — Yes or No?”
The answer… is “No.” [ ding ] Dr. Candice Brightman, of UCLA?
[ cut to Dr. Candice Brightman ]
Dr. Candice Brightman: Uh — this has been a source of confusion for many years, but we know that it is perfectly normal for a man not to care about a woman’s pleasure, just so long as he drains the lizard. Uh — this does not mean that a man shouldn’t feel bad later, and, uh, go out and buy his mate a nice gift.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “How many climaxes are in a woman’s multiple climax?”
a) 2 to 5 b) 12 to 16 c) Hundreds and Hundreds d) An infinite number
The answer… is C. [ ding ] Hundreds and Hundreds. Dr. Judd Quimson, Sociology Advisor to Penthouse Magazine.
[ cut to Dr. Judd Quimson ]
Dr. Judd Quimson: [ breathing heavily ] It’s a multiple! You know, it’s hundreds and hundreds! I mean, what’s the point, otherwise? If one of my girlfriends has, say, you know, only 30 climaxes… I feel like a real creep! I go out and buy her a nice gift.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “The proper thing to say after a man’s premature climax is:
a) Wait ’til the girls hear about this b) Can I get you anything else? c) You selfish pork face now I’ll never be satisfied
C… is the correct answer! [ ding ] Here is Dr. Francine Shoes of the Yorkies Primate Research Center… to explain why.
[ cut to Dr. Francine Shoes ]
Dr. Francine Shoes: When a man has a premature climax, he has a tendency to lie there like a beached whale. He can even fall asleep and forget that you had sex. But, by calling attention to the situation by yelling at him: “You selfish pork face! Now I’ll never be satisfied!”, he’ll roll over and become aware that you have needs, too. And he’ll probably go out and buy you a nice gift!
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “Who discovered genitalia?”
a) The Dutch b) George Washington Carver c) The Earl of Sandwich
B — George Washington Carver is the correct answer. [ ding ] Dr. Herbert Rice, author of “I’m Normal, You’re Normal”.
[ cut to Dr. Herbert Rice ]
Dr. Herbert Rice: Uh — genitalia have their origin in the fertile crescent in Africa. BUT — it wasn’t until the late 19th Century that, uh, they were discovered by George Washington Carver, the man who did more with the peanut than any man in history.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “What is the Latin plural of coius interruptus?”
a) Coiti interrupti b) Coitus interruptibus c) Coiti interruptarum d) In coitus maximus or e) None of the above
None! [ ding ] The correct plural of Coitus Interruptus is… Twins.
That’s all the time we have for tonight’s Sex Test, I hope you found it helpful. I’ve got a date… [ he reaches down ] and, fortunately, I have a nice gift, too! [ he holds up a wrapped gift ] Thank you and good night!
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Shouts Obscenities at House Plants” ]
[ fade ]
Steve Martin: I’d like to talk seriously just for a moment. One of the great art exhibitions ever to tour the United States is the Treasures of Tutankhamen – or King Tut. But I think it’s a national disgrace the way we have commercialized it with trinkets and toys, T-shirts and posters. And three months ago I was up in the woods, and I wrote a song. I tried to use the ancient modalities and melodies. I’d like to do it for you right now. Maybe we can all learn something.
Steve Martin: (King Tut. King Tut.) Now when he was a young man, he never thought he’d see People stand in line to see the boy king.
(King Tut) How’d you get so funky? (Funky Tut) Did you do the monkey? (Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia King Tut)
Now if I’d known they’d line up just to see him I’d have taken all my money and bought me a museum.
(King Tut) Buried with a donkey. (King Tut) He’s my favorite honky (Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia King Tut)
(Tut! Tut!) Dancing by the Nile! (Disco Tut! Tut!) The ladies love his style! (Boss Tut! Tut!) Walkin’ for a mile. (Rockin’ Tut! Tut!) He ate a crocodile. (Oooooh, wah-ooooh) He gave his life for tourism.
[ saxophonist pop out of crypt for a solo ]
Steve Martin: [ places electric blender at saxophonist’s feet ]Golden Idols! He’s an Egyptian!
Steve Martin: Now when I die, now don’t think I’m a nut Don’t want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut! (King Tut) He could have won a Grammy. (King Tut) Buried in his jammies. (Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia Born in Arizona)
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by Kierke Guard, the deodorant for sweaty, Danish philosophers. Here are anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd.
[Cut to Dan]
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Dan Aykroyd.
[Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin. Before we start, I’d like to take a moment to respond to some mail that we’ve received. Many of you have explained at times that I act in less than a professional manner. You say I become bitchy and lose my cool, hollering at Emily Litella or John Belushi or Roseanne Roseannadanna. You’re probably right. I do have some things that have been bothering [me] lately. Uh, my mother has Legionnaire’s Disease, but still, there is no reason letting my personal life interfere with my job as a responsible journalist, and I apologize. Never again will you see me lose my dignity by overreacting to any of my fellow correspondents, no matter how feeble they may be. [Raises her right hand] That’s a promise.
[Cut to Dan]
Dan Aykroyd: [nodding] Very well put, Jane. I’m, ah, sorry to hear about your mom. I was wondering why you were so cranky. I thought maybe you might be going through menopause.
[Audience laughter. Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: [smiling] No. Our top story tonight:
According to doctors at McGill University in Montreal, a substance called gum tragacanth, a thickening agent found in McDonald’s hamburger sauce — if you’re allergic to it — can cause itching, abdominal pain, a shortness of breath, a hives-like swelling of face, arms and trunk, and breathing difficulty due to a swollen larynx. A spokesman for McDonald’s reportedly commented “We do it all for you.”
The Environmental Protection Agency has ordered the American Motors Corporation to recall its entire output of 1976 cars due to a faulty pollution-control system. The offending devices have been snapped up by New York City slumlords, who will install them as air conditioners in substandard housing.
Dan Aykroyd: [clears his throat] The Treasury has just released the new metric conversion terms for American Federal Reserve currency, which will come into effect in 1981. The dollar will still be called the dollar, but quarters will be called quart-dollars, dimes will be deca-dollars, nickels will be penta-dollars, and pennies will be called hi-how-do-ya-do’s. No explanation was given.
Jane Curtin: And now, with this week’s review, here’s stargazer Bill Murray. Bill?
[Camera pans over to Bill Murray as audience applauds]
Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. Well, just like all the other critics in this country, I gave my Oscar predictions the week before the Academy Awards. But unlike all those other critics, tonight I’m here to ‘fess up on just how badly I did. Uh, pretty damn badly, I’m afraid. Other than Diane Keaton’s nod for Best Actress, the party animal here completely struck out. Not that I wasn’t pleased to see the Wood-man snag a couple. Hey, class move not to show up, Wood-man, I loved it. I was just surprised that Hollywood had the good sense to give ’em to him. But I must say I was disappointed by the Best Actor selection. Like so many people around this show, I expected Richard Burton to take it for what I understand was a superb performance in Equus. Uh, when Richard Dreyfuss won, I asked Warner Brothers to send over a clip to see if I was wrong. Here’s a clip, Goodbye Girl. Can we show it, please?
[Cut to clip labeled “The Goodbye Girl.” Instead of Richard Dreyfuss and Marsha Mason, the clip features John Belushi and Gilda Radner portraying the film’s main characters, Elliot Garfield and Paula McFadden]
Elliot Garfield: By the way, I sleep in the nude, naked, au naturel, ah-buffo! Them’s my rules, and that’s the way it’s gonna be! [breathes deeply] And another thing, [removes panties from the shower curtain rod] I don’t…like…the panties…hanging…on…the rod! [Hands the panties to Paula as the camera zooms in to a close-up of her face]
[Cut to different scene from the movie]
Elliot Garfield: What do you know? You’re ten years old. Three more years you wanna drive or then you burrrrn.
[Cut to bathroom, where Paula is finishing washing her face. As she turns to leave, Elliot hands her a towel and kisses her]
Paula McFadden: Don’t you ever do that again! [Turns around to dry her face with the towel]
Elliot Garfield: Ooo, your lips say “no-no-no,” but your eyes say “yes-yes-yes”! [Elliot kisses Paula on the back of the shoulder. Scene freezes. Dissolve back to Bill Murray as audience applauds]
Bill Murray: Uh, I’m sorry, but to all my good friends at the Academy, I still have to say uh-uh, no, no way. Richard, Drey, we have seen these movies before, all of them. This is the same Dreyfuss I saw in Jaws, American Graffiti and Duddy Kravitz. Well, actually, I didn’t see Graffiti and Kravitz, but this is what I heard, so…. Anyway, you are letting yourself slide, dude. You’re fat now! Disgustingly fat! Now get into shape or quit the business! Do you wanna do that, Richard? Diiiick? Lumpy, come on! All right, that’s the Richard I think I know. For those of you who don’t agree with me: I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. Now get outta here, ya knuckleheads, I mean it. Back to the original knucklehead, Jane, will you pass this on to Danny for me? [Bill gives Jane a noogie] You knucklehead! Pass it on! [applause]
Jane Curtin: [Smiles as Bill exits] Dan?
[Cut to Dan in front of an image of a policeman grabbing a protester on the face]
Dan Aykroyd: Thank you. Last week in Houston, Texas, a disturbance broke out during a demonstration marking the death of a Mexican-American who died last year while in police custody. Houston officials laughed off the incident, advised rioters to do the same, and as seen here, sent police in to teach the Mexican-Americans how to smile. Jane?
[Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: This week, the Air Force reported two UFOs off the coast of Florida. Here to comment further on this phenomenon is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.
[Applause as the camera pans over to Roseanne]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks, Jane. Mr. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey, writes in and says: “Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, Do you believe in UFOs? Have you ever seen a UFO? Have you had a contact with a UFO? Have you ever been beyond and back? Did you see Star Wars? Do you believe that we are not alone?” Mr. Feder, you ask a lotta questions for someone from New Jersey. But I know what you’re askin’ because once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, saw somethin’ that drove me crazy! It was a hot and clammy summer night, and I was sittin’ alone in my apartment. And I said to myself “Roseanne Roseannadanna, what you need is a ride in the country.” So, I got in my car and I start drivin’. And I love to drive, ’cause my car got an FM radio that I sing with. And I don’t wanna brag, but when I sing in my car, I sound just like Connie Francis! Well, it’s around ten o’clock at night. I didn’t know it, but off to the side of the road, there’s this drive-in movie theater, and they were showin’ this X-rated French movie called Le Sex Shop. And I was just ridin’ along, singin’ a song when all of a sudden, peekin’ through the trees, I saw the world’s biggest buttocks! Two big cheeks that was bouncin’ over the expressway. I thought I was gonna die! There it was in living color, a rectal eclipse! And underneath, there was words, you know, like, ah, subtitles? And this backside is talkin’ to me, sayin’ “Do you love me? I love you. Can you touch me, please. Hold me closer, darlin’. Kiss me, my honeybear.” I couldn’t believe it! Jane, tell me, did a rear end ever talk to you?
Jane Curtin: [Forcing herself to smile and remain calm] No, I-I don’t believe one ever has, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Boy, you sure are in a good mood today.
Jane Curtin: Yes I am, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well good, because, you know, Jane, you know what really makes me sick? Did you ever, like, get a little piece o’ stuff, like, in the corner of your eye, you know, and you take it out and go “What is this? Did this come outta me, you know? Where am I gonna put it?” Then you start–you just start rollin’ it around and rollin’ it around, rollin’ around your finger and you think “Where am I gonna put it?” You think “Where am I gonna put it?” And then, it doesn’t matter where you’re gonna put it ’cause when you look it disappears! [Looking at Jane] Where does that thing go?
Jane Curtin: I’m sorry, I don’t know, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [pointing to Jane’s eyes] Well, you better start thinkin’ about it ’cause you got a little piece o’ stuff right there. [Roseanne puts her arm around Jane] You know, Jane, I never noticed this, but, you know, you got a little moustache right there! Yeah, look at Jane, got a cute little tiny soft baby moustache right all blonde and cute and everything. [Jane starts to get annoyed] You know, you better not shave that ’cause it’ll grow back all black and thick and everything, okay?
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Aw, you’re welcome. You’re real wel–you know, you’re a very, very pretty girl. Very pretty. You know, I want you to tell me somethin’ just between you an’ me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, [pointing to Jane’s breasts] are both o’ your things the same size?
Jane Curtin: [Rips open her shirt to reveal her bra] CHECK FOR YOURSELF, ROSEANNE! [Roseanne puts her head in her hands as Jane recloses her shirt] I prom-I promised myself and my audience…that I wouldn’t lower myself to a level of the likes of you. Rectal eclipses, stuff that disappear when you put it in your fingers. I tried to contain myself when you took me apart piece by piece in front of millions of people. But I guess I’m just not that strong.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes ta show ya, it’s always something. And you know something? I thought you were a lot bigger than that. [Jane gasps and puts her head in her hands] Good night, have a pleasant tomorrow!
[Applause. Weekend Update theme plays. Roseanne waves. Dan tries to comfort Jane as she cringes. Fade]
Betty: Harold, are you asleep? Wake up, Harold — I have something to tell you.
Harold: [ muffled, under his pillow ] Can it wait ’til morning?
Betty: [ shaking him ] Harold, wake up, this is important!
Harold: [ arising ] Okay… What time is it? What is it? [ he glances at the clock ] It’s almost three o’clock in the morning, Betty.
Betty: Harold, are you listening?
Harold: Yes, I’m listening. [ he grabs his glasses ]
Betty: I’ve been cheating on you, Harold?
Harold: [ letting it sink in ] Betty, what are you saying?
Betty: I’m SAYING that I’ve BEEN with another man, Harold! I’m sorry, but it’s been DRIVING ME CRAZY keeping it to myself!
Harold: Ohhh… I can’t believe it. After 22 years of marriage. Who is it? No, don’t tell me. If I knew, I’d probably go out and KILL HIM right now!
Betty: Somebody you know, Harold.
Harold: NO, DON’T TELL ME!!
Betty: I’ve GOT to tell you! It’s the ONLY way I can live with myself! It’s Mr. Lampton!
Harold: Mr. Lampton? The druggist? He’s 72 years old! He’s old enough to be your FATHER!
Betty: [ grinning ] I know! And he’s a lot like my father, Harold — he tells me what to do, and what not to do, he rewards me when I’m good, and he SPANKS me when I’m bad, Harold.
Harold: Ohhhh, Mr. Lampton, huh? Well… [ coughing ] as long as you’re being so frank… I might as well tell you I’ve been fooling around, too, Betty.
Betty: [ amused ] You? Don’t make me laugh! [ she cracks up ]
Harold: Peggy Ann Randolph. [ he raises an eyebrow ]
Betty: I don’t believe it.
Harold: [ he shrugs ] What’s so hard to believe?
Betty: Harold, come on! She’s young enough to be your DAUGHTER!
Harold: [ smugly ] I know!
Betty: How can you keep up with her? She’d KILL you!
Harold: Well, you know, we all gotta go sometime. [ he puts his hands behind his head ] Ah, gee… you and old Mr. Lampton. I just can’t picture it!
Betty: Well, just picture this, Harold — and this happens every day: You go off to work, and I’m home wearing nothing but a housecoat. You know, the pink one you gave me last Christmas?
Betty: Underneath, I’m as NAKED as a jaybird!
Harold: You are?
Betty: Yeah! I sure am! I drive over to Mr. Lampton’s drugstore, I park in the back, I go in the back door, Old Man Lampton’s waiting for me. He’s wearing his white lab coat — also with nothing on underneath.
Betty: Yeah, like a wrinkled jaybird.
Betty: Harold, we both count to ten, we TEAR OFF our clothes, and RIGHT THERE on the FLOOR of the pharmacy!… he fills my prescription.
Harold: Yeah, I can picture that.
Betty: Good. Because I can’t picture you with Peggy Ann.
Harold: Well, then let me tell you. Every afternoon, when she’s finished with cheerleading practice, I pick up Peggy across from the school yard and, since I don’t want to be recognized, I disguise myself by wearing a, uh, cub scout uniform. Peggy Ann approaches the car and says, “Does Little Harold want to earn a merit badge?”
Betty: I don’t believe it.
Harold: Ah, well — you BETTER believe it! And I say, “Sure, I’d like a badge.” And then we drive into the woods. I build a fire, she fishes for minnows… and then we DO IT in a PUP TENT!
Betty: [ laughing ] What an imagination! “Pup tent”, that’s great! [ a beat ] I’m ready, how about you?
Harold: Not quite. Tell me about the back of the drugstore again. Now… you only had your housecoat on, right?
Betty: Yeah, my PINK housecoat.
Betty: I drive to the back, he’s got his lab coat on.
Betty: And we RIP OFF our clothes!
Betty: Oh, I forgot to tell you we’re BOTH WEARING RUBBER GLOVES!!!
Harold: [ ecstatic ] OHHHHH, WOW!! That did it! That’s it, I’m ready!
[ Betty begins to unroll her hair as Harold unbuttons his pajama top ]
Betty: Great story, Harold! Great story!
Harold: I love the rubber gloves!
Harold: What are we gonna do tomorrow night?
Betty: I don’t know. You want to look at the nude pictures of your parents again?
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Laraine Newman narrates drawings from the Son Of Sam trial. Stargazer Bill Murray gives his review of the “The Greek Tycoon” and attempts to call Jackie Onassis. Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd debate over who gets to hold which viewpoint during Point/Counterpoint.
Olympia CafeSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) sings “Baby Ghouls” with backing vocals from a vampire (Laraine Newman).
Recurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Niko Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis.
Don Kirshner…..Paul Shaffer Jake Blues…..John Belushi Elwood Blues…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on Don Kirschner ]
Don Kirschner: I’m Don Kirschner, and welcome to “Rock Concert”. In 1969, Marshall Checkers, of the legendary Checkers Records, called me on a new blues act that had been playing in a small, funky club on Chicago’s South Side. Today, with the help of Jerry Erdegan, and the staff of Pacific Records, their manager, Morey Daniels, and with the support of fellow artists Curtis Selgado and the Cray Band, they are no longer an authentic blues act, but have managed to become a viable commercial product. So now, let’s join “Joliet” Jake and his silent brother Elwood – The Blues Brothers.
[ pan down and dissolve to Jake and Elwood Blues, the Blues Brothers, performing on the stage below ]
Blues Brothers: [ singing ]“I went balling the other night I started drinking and got real tight I blew each and all my friends I felt so good I had to blow it again
I said Hey bartender Hey man, looka here A draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer
Well I saw a chick sitting on the end I said Baby can’t we be friends You’re looking sweet as you can be Well come on down and drink with me
I said Hey bartender Hey man looka here Draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer Elwood!
Well we was having so much fun I didn’t know it was half past one I turned around to have on more I looked at the clock and it was half past four
Hey bartender Hey man look a here A draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer
Well jukebox girl is everything All the cats began to sing I heard somebody called and said Last round for alcohol
I said Hey bartender Hey bartender Hey bartender Hey bartender Draw one, two, three, four glasses of beer.”
[ pan out and dissolve back to Don Kirschner up above ]
Don Kirschner: “Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”