SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/20/78: Stunt Puppy




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20









77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Stunt Puppy

Director (“Bri”)…..Bill Murray
Tommy…..Tom Schiller
Cheryl…..Gilda Radner
Gwen…..Jane Curtin
Howard…..Buck Henry
Roy…..Garrett Morris

[ open on a film set, decorated like a suburban living room. Tommy stands off to one side as the Director enters ]

Director: Tommy? Get me out of here in a hurry, okay? I want to get out to the track! [ to Cheryl ] Okay! Cheryl! Sweetheart! Let’s have you here! [ Cheryl steps up ] Okay, Kitten — in this scene, you’re the spoiled little girl, okay? Every time you get a new toy, you either break it or throw it away — or get bored with it right away, okay?

Cheryl: Okay!

Director: Okay. And you’re the same way with your little puppy, alright? You wanted it, you promised to take care of it, but then it was too much work, okay?

Cheryl: How old am I supposed to be?

Director: Uh, ten years old, okay?

Cheryl: I’m TWELVE?

Director: Okay… [ he squooshes her face ] but do you think you could play a spoiled little ten year old?!

Cheryl: [ muffled ] I think so…!

Director: Good! Isn’t she a little pill, everybody? Great! [ he releases her face ] Okay! Now, Gwen, please, may I have you? [ Gwen steps up ] In this scene, you’re the permissive mother, okay? You let your daughter get away with EVERYTHING, alright?

Gwen: Oh! Sounds like my own home! [ she laughs ]

Director: [ mock-laughing ] Terrific, honey. Howard, where are you?

Howard: Yes, yes, yes! [ he runs up ]

Director: Come here you, my psychotic father of this scene! Alright! Okay. You’re psychotic…

Howard: Yes, yes!

Director: You hate your wife…

Howard: Uh-huh!

Director: The only reason the marriage is still together is because of the little one.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: And you hate her.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: Because she’s spoiled.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: So who do you take it out on? The defenseless little puppy.

Howard: Gotcha, right!

Director: I knew you would! [ he rubs Howard’s head ] Come on! Right! Okay, let’s bring in…?

Roy: [ carrying puppy ] Roy.

Director: Roy! Alright, good to meet ya’, fellow! [ he rubs Roy’s head ] Okay, terrific! How is Sparky today? [ to Sparky ] Hey, fella! [ he composes himself ] Now, Roy… in this scene, I want Sparky to play the helpless, unloved puppy. No one’s taking care of him, no one’s training him…

Roy: Ah!

Director: He’s confused, he’s nervous. So… he takes a doo doo on the rug. Can Sparky do that?

Roy: He sure can! Now, you heard the man, Sparky! When I do this… [ he holds up two fingers ] You make doo doo on the rug, okay?

Director: Ahhh, thatta boy! Thanks, Roy, you’re amazing! OKay, places, everybody, please! Tommy, come in here and do me a favor! [ Tommy enters with clapper ] Will you roll ’em for me? [ he steps aside ] Slate it, Tommy!

Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 3, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]

Director: Alright, settle in! [ the domestic scene focuses ] And… ACTION!

[ the little girl plays with the puppy on the floor, as her parents sit behind her on the sofa ]

Howard: Marilyn? I thought I told you NOT to bring the dog into the living room?!

Cheryl: Ohhh, please?

Howard: No! I don’t want it on the new carpet! Now, take it out!

Cheryl: NO!!

Gwen: Ohhhh, let her keep it in here, it’ll be okay.

[ offstage, Roy holds up two fingers, as Sparky whines and takes a doo doo ]

Cheryl: Uh-oh! Dad! Look what the dog did!

Howard: [ irked ] Okay, Marilyn! YOU clean it up!

Cheryl: I don’t wanna!

Howard: Now, listen! You PROMISED me that you would take care of that stupid dog! Now you CLEAN IT UP!!

Gwen: She’s only ten years old! You CAN’T expect her to clean it up!

Howard: Alright, then — YOU clean it up! The dog was YOUR idea!

Gwen: I can’t! I vomit!

Howard: [ he throws his newspaper down ] Okay, I suppose I’LL have to clean up after it again! THIS IS IT!! I’m getting RID of this damn dog!!

Cheryl: Well, I don’t care!! ‘Cause I don’t WANT it any more, anyway! [ she storms out of the room ]

Gwen: Now you’ve upset her! Marilyn, honey![ she runs after her daughter ]

Howard: [ picking up the dog ] This is just unbelievable! I don’t know WHAT to do! [ the dog doo doos in his hands ] What?! You stupid MUTT! You’re doing it again! No! No! I said stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!! [ he raises the dog over his head and freezes ]

Director: CUUUUUTTT!!

[ Roy rushes forward and retrieves the puppy from Howard’s hands ]

Director: Okay, bring in the stunt puppy!

[ Roy rushes the puppy to safety ]

Director: Okay, that was very sweet. Very tasty, Howard.

Howard: Good!

Director: Thank you. Appreciate it. [ as Roy returns with the stunt puppy ] What have we got here? Perfect match! Must be from the same littler.

Roy: Yeah! This, uh — this is, uh, Tippy!

Director: [ to Tippy ] Heyyyy, Tippy! Mr. Tough Guy, huh? How are ya’! [ he grabs the dog’s paw ] Okay, Tipster… Brian, here, is gonna throw you around a little bit. And, when he does, I want you to squeal. Can we hear a squeal?

Roy: Oh, sure!

[ sound effect of a dog squealing over close-up of the puppy ]

Director: Beautiful! Tippy, how are your ears? Are they strong?

Roy: Oh, sure! He’s got strong ears, strong tail — you can do ANYTHING to him!

[ no one is more excited to hear this than Howard ]

Director: Great! Terrific! Okay, places, everybody! Tommy! I’m gonna FINE you a hundred dollars — and everyone on my set — for not noticing my new haircut! [ he gives Tommy a noogie and laughs ] Now, get outta here, all of you! Okay! Would you please do mr a favor, and slate it for me, Tommy?

Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 4, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ] [ scene resumes with Howard kneeling next to the puppy at the couch ]

Director: Start whimpering, Tippy! [ the puppy begins to whimper ] And ACTION!!

Howard: CUT IT OUT, CUT IT OUT!! [ he grabs the puppy’s leash and yanks him in a circle around the living room ] I said STOP IT!! [ he kicks the puppy across the room and lets it ricchochet back from the leash ] I said STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!! [ he begins to throw the puppy at the furniture, never letting go of the leash ] STOP IT!! [ with one final twirl of the leash, he throws the puppy hrough the front window, shattering the glass ]

Director: Cuuuutt! Cuuuut! Beautiful, Howard! Beautiful!

Howard: Thanks, everybody! Thank you!

Director: [ toward the window ] Heyyyyy! How’s Tippy back there? Can we get somebody to go check on Tippy?

[ Roy passes behind the set and holds the puppy up ]

Roy: He’s alright!

Director: Ahhhh, that’s a pal, huh? Come here, big guy! [ he scoops the puppy into his arms ] Oh, that was terrific, fella! Hey — I want to work with you again! That’s a promise! That’s a wrap, everybody! Let’s get some sleep. Eight o’clock tomorrow, for the cockfight.

Howard: Brian! Terrific!

[ they shake hands, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/20/78: Samurai TV Repairman



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20





77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Samurai TV Repairman

Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry
Samurai…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, TV Repair shop ]

Mr. Dantley: [ enters shop ] Hello? Excuse me, could you give me a hand, please? I need some help.

Announcer: And now, another episode of..

[ SUPER: “Samurai TV Repairman” ]

Announcer: ..”Samurai TV Repairman”.

Mr. Dantley: Boy, am I glad I found a shop that was open this late.

Samurai: [ grunts ]

Mr. Dantley: Yes, I know. I’ve gotta have this set fixed. Tonight. So I can watch the Play-Offs tomorrow.

Samurai: [ mimes basketball action ]

Mr. Dantley: That’s right. I’ve got $100 riding on the Bullets. The way I see it, if Unsel can control the boards, and Hays is hitting from the outside.. You see what I mean.

Mr. Dantley: Anyway, look at this thing. I’ve got no sound, and I’ve got no picture.

Samurai: [ plays with tubes ]

Mr. Dantley: Well, what is it?

Samurai: [ opens up TV from the back and points ]

Mr. Dantley: Ah.. just, what, does it need a tube? [ Samurai grunts ] I-I mean, a transistor. I just don’t understand it, it’s.. it’s a relatively new set. See, here’s the Inspector’s tag. Uh.. it doesn’t do me much good to know that the Inspector’s number is, uh.. 68.. because the factory’s all the way in Japan.

Samurai: [ panic grows on face ]

Mr. Dantley: 68? I’d like to get my hands on #68.

Samurai: My Momma-son!!

Mr. Dantley: What?

Samurai: My Momma-son!!

Mr. Dantley: Inspector 68 is your mother?

Samurai: My Momma-son!!

Mr. Dantley: I don’t know what’s the matter with-

Samurai: [ takes out small dagger and prepares to stab himself in the chest ]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, well, wait a minute.. wait a minute.. [ turns tag upside-down ] It’s 89. my mistake.

Samurai: [ relieved, puts dagger away ]

Mr. Dantley: Anyway.. the point is, I’ve really gotta have it fixed by tomorrow, because.. I’ve got everything ready for tomorrow. You know what I mean? I ordered a pizza.. I have some beer in the refrigerator.. my girl is coming over, so..

Samurai: [ slides dagger in and out of holder strpaped around his waist ]

Mr. Dantley: Exactly my point! Anyway.. you mind if I ask you what kind of training you’ve had for this business? I mean, did you go to school for this sort of thing?

Samurai: [ indicates diploma on wall ]

Mr. Dantley: Ah. Famous TV Repairman’s School of West Port, Connecticut. Black-and-white only. Black-and-white only? Hey, listen, uh.. this is a color set. If you went to that school, what do you know about fixing a color set?

Samurai: [ points to his eyes ]

Mr. Dantley: Your eyes are brown..

Samurai: [ points to skin ]

Mr. Dantley: Your skin is yellow..

Samurai: [ points to kimono ]

Mr. Dantley: Your kimono is blue..

Mr. Dantley: Ah. Well, that’s great. I know what color you are, but what about my set? I’ll tell you – I noticed that sometimes, when I sort of hit the side, the picture will come up.

Samurai: [ taps TV with his fist ]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah, a little rap on the side. Just a little.. tap on the side, that’s all.

Samurai: [ screams, throws TV to the floor, then hacks it with a slice from his sword ]

Mr. Dantley: [ alarmed ] Hey, what are you doing to my set?! What kind of way is that to fix it?!

Samurai: [ picks up TV from floor, which now makes a sound, accompanied by scrambled test pattern ]

Mr. Dantley: That’s fantastic! You’ve restored the sound.. but what about the picture? [ Samurai grunts ] Yes. Exactly. Yeah.

Samurai: [ sticks two small Samurai swords through the back of TV, then jiggles until a clear picture appears ]

Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of..

[ SUPER: “Samurai TV Repairman” ]

Announcer: ..”Samurai TV Repairman”.

[ cut to close-up of audience member, “Has Fantasies Rated G” superimposed in front of her ]

SNL Transcripts