Mr. Mike…..Michael O’ Donoghue Vampire…..Laraine Newman
[ open on Mr. Mike singing “Baby Ghouls” ]
Mr. Mike: [ singing ]“Some like it hot, Some like it cold, Some like it in the grave Nine years old.
Look out for the baby ghouls; They’re breaking all the rules. Look out, look out, you fools, for the baby ghouls.
They’ll ask for a candy bar, Show their appendix scar, Ride in your fancy car on their way to school. They’re driving you insane, Gobbling up your brain, Playing out in the rain by the swimming pool.”
[ Vampire is seen next to him, translating his spoken interlude into sign language ]
Mr. Mike: I was driving down Route 17, saw this little girl hitchhikerand I picked her up, and I noticed that when she crossed her legs I could seemy face reflected in her black patent leather shoes. Well, we were drivingfor a while when she turns to me and says, “Hey Mister, hey mister I likeyour flesh, let’s you and me go park.” And I say, “How about Lover’s Lane?”and she says, “No let’s go to the cemetery, no one will bother us there.”And so we drive to the cemetery, and I’m laying on the grass and telling herwhat pretty.. red.. lips she has. She replies, “Mama says no lipstick, so wedip our lips in blood.” and I look up at the tombstone, and on it, is carved,my own.. name!
Mr. Mike: [ continues singing ]“One morning, you wake up dead. Teddy Bear by your bed. They wanna give you headstones, the Baby Ghouls. Blood stains on the party dress, Little white gloves a mess, Look out for the pre-pubess of the Baby Ghouls. Look out for the pre-pubess of the Baby Ghouls. Look out for the pre-pubess..” [ Vampire sneaks up behind him and bites him on the neck ]“..Of the Baby Ghouls.”
[ Mr. Mike is fading, while blood comes out of vampire’s mouth ] [ fade to black ]
Roy Neary…..Richard Dreyfuss Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman Merkon…..Garrett Morris High Master…..John Belushi
[ open on Roy Neary in bathrobe, trying to create his mountainous structure with some difficulty as the news plays on a TV in the corner ]
TV Voice: ..near Devil’s Tower, Wyoming. The Army has evacuated 1,000..
Roy Neary: [ throwing clay and dirt at his structure ] Not right! Not right! It’s NOT RIGHT!! [ picks up a large cone-shaped piece of clay, and fixes it on top of the mountain structure ] That’s it! Yeah! That’s it, I.. I know what this is!
[ SUPER: “Cone Encounters of the Third Kind” ] [ phone rings ]
Roy Neary: [ his wife on the other line ] Hello? Where are you?! At your sisters?! When are you coming home? No.. I’m not crazy! Honey, honey, listen: I know I saw something the other night! Nahhh.. I just want to know what’s going on! Is there anything wrong with that? Look, hey, Ronnie.. everyone has bad days, you know? Ronnie, will you let me finish! I’m not nuts!
[ the new on TV fades out to a commercial of Beldar Conehead for his driving school; Roy takes quick interest in Beldar’s head ]
Roy Neary: I’ll call you back!
[ “National Driving School” jingle sounds like the five notes from “Close Encounters” ] [ dissolve to Conehead living room, where the family watches Beldar’s commercial with joy ]
Connie Conehead: Oh, Daddy! Daddy, you were very good!
Prymaat Conehead: Beldar! Your commercial message has appeared on the ion bombardment tube!
Connie Conehead: It was far out!
Prymaat Conehead: Your cone appears larger on the ion tube.
Beldar Conehead: It does not matter! Nothing matters! I have received a vital communication from Remulak! The High Master is coming to Earth! He wishes to inspect the star cruiser refueling station which we were sent to install on this miserable planet!
Pryaat & Connie: Ohhh, noooo!!
Beldar Conehead: Yes! The impulses from the monotron crystal indicate that his star cruiser has already entered the Earth’s traposphere.
Prymaat Conehead: Beldar, the High Master expects to see a fully operational protoid refueling station! We have done nothing to accomplish this mission!
Beldar Conehead: I know.. I know..
Prymaat Conehead: We have not yet even seized the planet! You said the High Master would not visit us for at least 300 years!
Beldar Conehead: How was I to know that Afkhan would succeed with the insurgence of the muldred nebula!
Connie Conehead: Oh, boy.. leave me out of this, parental units. You already blew it.
Beldar Conehead: Young one, your cone is also on the block.
Prymaat Conehead: Beldar! It was you who lost the speech!
Beldar Conehead: It was you who plunged our star cruiser into Lake Michigan! Mip!
Prymaat Conehead: Mip!
Beldar Conehead: Mip!
[ doorbell rings; they panic ] [ Beldar answers door to Roy Neary, still in bathrobe ]
Beldar Conehead: A human. Greetings. Go away!
Roy Neary: [ excited ] You’re the guy! You’re the guy on the TV commercial!
Beldar Conehead: No! no droving lessons today! Go away!
Roy Neary: No! No! I really want to talk to you! There’s something about you! I don’t know exactly what it is, but I just know it’s important, and I have to come here!
Connie Conehead: Look, man, you’d better split! Something really heavy is coming down here!
Roy Neary: I know! That’s why I’m here! Tell me what’s gonna happen! Listen, why do I feel as if I know you..? Who are you people?!
Prymaat Conehead: [ hesitant ] We are Coneheads.. from Remulak.
Roy Neary: Remulak? Where is Remulak?
[ rumbling noise is heard from outside ]
Prymaat Conehead: In France! We come from France!
Roy Neary: France? What part of France?
Beldar Conehead: It is too late for the human to leave. The High Master has arrived!
[ High Master’s star cruiser hovers over house, like the mother Ship hovers over Devil’s Tower ] [ Merkon enters Conehead residence ]
Merkon: I am Merkon from Remulak. All hail Kuldroth the High Master.
[ High Master enters, as Coneheads chant their greeting ]
High Master: Greetings, Beldar.. Prymaat. Mmm.. your young one is growing into a beautiful krotmar.
Connie Conehead: But I don’t want to be a krotmar!
Roy Neary: Wait a minute!! Wait a minute!! I know what it is, now.. it’s your heads! It’s the weird shape of your heads! And those bright lights outside – you’re not from France! You’re not even from Europe!
High Master: This human. Is he the leader of the united nation, who’s here to convey my message to the people of Earth?!
Beldar Conehead: No.
High Master: Beldar.. is this the protoid station? Show me the neevgun marshes for stocking the star cruisers! Where are the fuel ports for the protoid caps?!
Prymaat Conehead: We.. we deemed it wise not to complete all of the refueling structures until we were sure that the human we selected to be the Supreme Refueling Attendant, uh.. to have been correctly trained.
High Master: Hmm.. Supreme Attendant?
Beldar Conehead: Uh, yes.. the Supreme Refueling Attendant for Protoid Station Earth.
High Master: Hmm..
Roy Neary: You mean me? You have chosen me to be the.. Supreme Attendant! I knew it was important! I understand now! You people are from another planet!
High Master: Mmm.. yes indeed, Beldar. Beldar, this human will make a good attendant. We will take him. Ah, we will train him and send him back in fifty years. Continue your mission! Merkon, bring the human.
Roy Neary: I just want to know that this is really happening!
Merkon: Attention Human: it’s really happening! There are three types of protoid fuel: Super, Regular, and Novalite.
Roy Neary: [ in alien voice ] Yes! I understand! I will journey with you to your planet – Remulak!
Beldar Conehead: [ to Roy ] I envy you!
[ Roy follows Merkon and the High Master out the door, as the Coneheads snicker behind his back ] [ dissolve to High Master’s star cruiser hovering back into space ] [ as the top star cruiser is revealed to be a prop being pulled by prop men, SUPER rises: “coming up next… Can TV Reproduce Itself?” ] [ fade ]
Richard Dreyfuss: I just want to say — I have never sung before in public. This is a song by Gary Tigerman — every word of it… is true.
[ singing ]
“I wanna beeee… seduced. I want a woman to take me out to dinner for two. I’d like to see her eyes get moony Flirtin’ with the thought of what a little flirtin’ oughhta do.
I got to be real coooool. Let her think about gettin’ little me in bed. As I chat about African genesis, psychokinesis, or something Stanislavsky said.
I might demure politely Or falter slightly If she tried to fondle my knee But I’m relatively certain I’d come across if I know me.
I want to be seduced I want a woman to talk to me suggestively I Want to know that she’d like me to be with her tomorrow morning Drinkin’ hot jasmine tea.
I want her to make me laugh Make a point about touching me when she talks Leaving all the jealous men in the joint to mumble in their beer and gawk.
I know it only happens when I’m napping Nodding in a reverie That I find myself a woman who’ll get behind seducing Starting from the moment, say, that we’d been introduced I’d like to find a woman who could get behind seducing… meeeeee.”
[ as Paul Shaffer plays the interlude, Dreyfuss leans back on the piano and raises his leg in the air ]
Richard Dreyfuss: [ singing ]“I know it only happens when I’m napping Nodding in a reverie That I find myself a woman who could get behind seducing Starting from the moment, say, that we’d been introduced I’d like to find a woman who could get behind seducing… meeeeeeeee. Ooooohhhhh!”
Richard Dreyfuss: [ still atop the piano ] Thank you very much for coming, I hope you enjoyed the show! Go see “The Big Fix” in October! And —
[ Dreyfuss notices the Land Shark rising at his side, as the “Jaws” theme plays ]
Richard Dreyfuss: Agggghhhhh!!!!
[ the Land Shark gobbles Dreyfuss up, then falls back to the ground at the foot of the piano ] [ the cast, Gary Tigerman, and crutchbound Jimmy Buffett and Father Guido Sarducci surround the piano ] [ Dan Aykroyd comes to the front of the piano to show off his “Don’t Buy Books By Crooks” Nixon t-shirt ] [ Dreyfuss re-appears from behind the piano, then saunters around front to demonstrate his bravada as the Land Shark raises his head from behind the piano ]
…..Richard Dreyfuss Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
Richard Dreyfuss: All the way from Rome — the rock critic and gossip columnist for L’observateur Romano, the Vatican newspaper, and my spiritual advisor — Father Guido Sarducci!
[ camera zooms over to Father Guido Sarducci standing on crutches ]
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you! Thank you! Hey, it’s-a wonderful to be back in-a America. I tell you, it’s-a not so wonderful to be-a on-a these-a crutches! You know? But… that’s-a the way-a it goes. I got into this-a big motorcycle accident — in Rome. I just-a passed up a couple trucks, you know? And I-a just went down to-a straighten out my St. Christopher Medal… and-a from NOWHERE, you know, there’s-a this like-a… [ he claps his hands together ] I got hit by a nun on a Vespa. That’s right. I’m telling you. I was-a in the hospital, you know, and it’s just been one thing after another, you know? But — thank you, God — I’m feeling better now, you know, and everything’s-a pretty good.
While I was-a busy in the hospital, I was-a translating some-a new encyclical… that the pope’s coming out with in a couple of months. And I’m-a telling you, it’s gonna shake up a LOT of people. That-a Pope, you know, he’s-a really got GUTS! [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ] You know… most of the time, we don’t like-a to tell people new stuff, you know, because they can’t-a change, you know? Like, we’ve known for years and years about Jesus’ younger brother. He had a younger brother. Billy… was-a his name. Billy Christ. Actually, it’s his-a stepbrother. Stepbrother, you know? And-a we got the PROOF, too. We got-a this-a PROOF. Because we got a lot of paintings, you know? And-a it shows Jesus walking on-a the water — and-a next to him, you can see like there’s a leaf in the water. You think it’s a leaf, but if you look-a real close… you can=a see like it’s the top of a snorkel. It was-a Billy down there, and, you know, and-a his-a brother was, you know, stepping on him. You know. On-a his-a shoulders, you had the snorkel, you know, and… I mean, I don’t mean to make fun — I mean-a, Jesus, you know, he was-a the greatest man who ever lived. But, I mean… he couldn’t-a walk on water, you know? Coem on! Grow up! [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ]
Anyway — the Pope’s-a doing an encyclical. It’s called the “Vita est Lavorum.” In English, that means: “Life, It’s A Job.” And that’s-a what-a we found out — life is hard, you think it’s difficult sometimes? That’s-a because it’s a JOB! We’re all-a getting paid $14.50 a day. It don’t sound like much. I mean, $14.50 a day, but, you know, over a period of, like, 60-70-80 years… it’s-a nothing to sneeze your nose at. And-a, what happens to you when-a you die… you know, it’s like-a the soul leaves the body, it’s like a little bubbling 7-Up. You know? It just-a- goes-a shooting up, and-a you see yourself going down this-a long tunnel — but you’re not afraid. And then, when you get to the end, you see your whole life go by you. You know? From when you was a little-a baby… ’til the day you die. And then… they pay you. God and his-a helpers. You know, they bring-a in all of this money, and then… God goes over all-a of-a your sins. And ou get FINED. You know, it’s like, uh… like, maybe like stealing a car’s like $400. Murder is… maybe, you know, the worst — it’s like $50,000. And masturbation… eh, maybe, you know, like twenty-five, thirty-five cents. You know. That’s-a cheap sin. You know, but-a for a lot of people, you know, it can amount up. It-a just-a shows, you know — there is-a NO free lunch.
Anyway — you got-a all of your sins, you know? And if you have enough money to pay for your sins, you can-a go to Heaven. But — if you don’t have enough money, you gotta go back again, you know? And, like, be born again, and, like going back-a to work, you know? And-a, you know, it’s-a real-a tough. But… [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ] some guys, like mafiosa types, you know, they might have to spend-a four, five lifetimes as nuns… just making up for it, you know? Most nuns are former mafiosas. I don’t know if you know that. That’s the truth.
Anyway — it was-a MORE than wonderful spending a couple of moments in here-a with you. Arriverderci, America!
[Dissolve from opening credits to Richard Dreyfuss, dressed as Hamlet and holding an Academy Award.]
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Dreyfuss!
[Richard walks down the stairs to home base as audience applauds.]
Richard Dreyfuss: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Feel really stupid. [Laughter] I feel like I’m gonna throw up. Ah, I suppose I should explain this. Um, see, I just wanted to come out here, you know, this part of the show to talk to you as myself. But, ah, a certain Not Ready For Prime Time Player said that people are gonna wanna see you act. After all, not every one of our hosts has won the Academy Award, which is true. And anyway, this certain Not Ready For Prime Time Player said that some people didn’t think I deserved the Oscar. Some people thought that Richard Burton deserved the Oscar, said Richard Burton was great in “Hamlet,” y’know, and, ah, said if you’re such a good actor, let’s see you do “Hamlet.” So I said “I don’t think I have to prove anything, you know, just because I won the Academy Award,” and he said “You mean you are supposedly the best actor in the world, [laughter] and you’re afraid to play Hamlet.” So I said “Hold it, hold it, hold it. I’m not the best actor in the world, but, uh, I’m not afraid to play anything, John!” [laughter] So clearly, I-I walked right into it here. And, ah, so, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I have to do this, uh. Hamlet’s soliloquy, Act 3, Scene 1, by William Shakespeare.
[The stage lights dim, with Richard remaining in a single spotlight.]
Richard Dreyfuss: To be, or not to be. That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them. [pauses]
John Belushi: [off-camera] To die, to sleep. [audience laughter]
Richard Dreyfuss: What? What did you say?
John Belushi: To die, to sleep.
Richard Dreyfuss: Why are-Why are you doing this?
John Belushi: [Stepping onto the stage] I was just giving you the line, Richard. I could see you were in trouble here.
Richard Dreyfuss: No, no, no. [Stage lights come back up] I was not in trouble.
John Belushi: Well, there was that long gap, there, you know. I figured you forgot your lines.
Richard Dreyfuss: No, it was not a gap, John.Â It was a dramatic pause, you know. It’s a way of communicating to the audience the meaning of the words and you ruined it, you blew the moment for me.
John Belushi: Well, hey, look. All I know is I saw a fellow actor in trouble, and I came out to help you, you know?
Richard Dreyfuss: Silence is not trouble, John. Silence is not trouble. Sometimes a moment filled with silence can say a lot more than a moment filled with words.
John Belushi: Okay, okay, you know. I know you don’t do TV. You know, I just thought you lost your place on the cue cards, that’s all.
Richard Dreyfuss: I don’t use cue cards, John, and when I’m doing Shakespeare, actors who do Shakespeare do not use cue cards, you know?
John Belushi: [sarcastically] Ooooo, Shakespeare! Well, What do I know, huh? I’m just a sleazy, late night TV actor, is that it?
Richard Dreyfuss: No, no, I didn’t mean that–
John Belushi: No, no, what do I know about Shakespeare, huh? Mr. Oscar, Mr. Best Actor. Now, Richard Burton, now there’s an actor. When he did Hamlet, when he did Hamlet he was great. He didn’t have to use any pauses. But it takes one drink, and Hollywood blackballs him! Huh, Mr. New Hollywood Establishment? You know? At least when George C. Scott won the Oscar, he didn’t accept it! You know? Marlon Brando sent up an Indian! Now, you could’ve sent up an Indian, but nooooo! You run up there, you “whoo-hoo-hoo, I could stay up here all night.” Maybe I’m just a struggling TV actor, right? Maybe I didn’t win the Oscar, you know? Maybe I have to work every week just to keep my family in clothes and drugs, you know? Maybe I don’t know that much about Shakespeare, you know, or about pausing or England. But I know one thing, [takes the Oscar from Richard] you didn’t deserve this Oscar. [John punches Richard in the stomach and walks offstage. Audience applauds. Stage lights dim again as Richard tries to restart his performance]
Richard Dreyfuss: To be, or… [pouting] I don’t wanna do this anymore. [Takes off Hamlet wig] We’ll be right back. [Walks out of the spotlight as audience applauds] [fade]
Nick…Bill Murray Paul…Paul Shaffer Joan…Gilda Radner Bill…John Belushi Jeff Greenspoon…Richard Dreyfuss Mrs. Liebowitz…Laraine Newman Jimmy Joe Red Sky…Dan Aykroyd People at Table…Anne Beatts, Mitchell Laurance, Rosie Shuster
[Open on close-up of a Univox SR-120 drum machine. Camera pans back to show Nick adjusting the dials before greeting the audience from onstage]
Nick: Welcome to the Honeymoon Room here at the Pocomont. I’m Nick Springs, and I’m here to entertain you.
[Paul begins playing “I Love To Love You, Baby” on the piano]
Nick: Ha-ha! [Gyrates and sings]“I… I love to love you, baby. I… I love to love you baby [Turns up the tempo on the drum machine]I… I love to love you, baby I… I love to love you, baby [Turns up the tempo some more]I… I love to love you, baby Ah-ha… I love to love you, baby [Turns up the tempo even more]Ahh… I love to love you, baby Ahh-Ahh… I love to love you, baby Ah! Ah! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhhhhh! [Turns drum machine off]I love to love you — and only you forever and ever — babyyyy!”
[Crowd applauds as Nick lights a cigarette]
Nick: Thank you very much. Was it as good for you as it was for me? I hope so. How many people here in the Honeymoon Room tonight believe in the institution of marriage, can I hear from you? [Crowd applauds] Yeah, I had a feeling. How many people here from New Jersey? [Crowd applauds] Yeah, thought so, I thought so. Yeah, there’s a lotta love over there in Jersey, lotta love. [Walks over to a seated couple with calamine lotion on their faces] How about you two, where are you from?
Joan: Passaic. Uh, Mrs. Joan Shomer.
Nick: How long’ve you been married?
Joan: Two days.
Nick: Is this the lucky guy?
Bill: Yes. Ah, Bill Shomer, from Seacaucus, now Passaic.
Nick: What’s the pink stuff all over your face, kids?
Bill: Aw, it’s calamine lotion.
Joan: Well, the-the first thing we did when we got here was do a little private, ah, sunbathing, and there was poison ivy in the woods.
Nick: Ooo-hoo-hoo, well, I hate to say it, but I coulda told you so, Shomers. [Stands up] You two are gonna have an unusual honeymoon this week because… [sings]“You can look, but you better not touch You’re gonna need an ocean of calamine lotion Ah, you’ll be scratchin’ like a hound The minute you start to mess around With poison ivy, poison ivy.”
Well, it looks like this marriage seems to be working, huh? [Walks to another table] This marriage seems to be working, am I right?
People At Table: You bet. Overtime, man!
Nick: Ah-ha, good one! [Walks to a table with only a man seated] This marr–where is she? [Walks to a table with a man whispering into a woman’s ear. They both cover their faces when Nick introduces them] Uh-oh, here is Jeff Greenspoon. He’s a guy in the industry that I wanna tell you about, just a minute, but first he’s got a lovely young lady with him. Hey, nymph, what’s your name?
Mrs. Liebowitz: [mumbles] Mrs. Liebowitz.
Nick: I’m sorry, what’s that?
Mrs. Liebowitz: [mumbles] Mrs. Liebowitz.
Nick: I’m sorry, I can’t hear. Please. Thank you.
Mrs. Liebowitz: Mrs. … Liebowitz.
Nick: Oh! Oh! Are you the wife of the man who injured himself when he slipped in one of our heart-shaped bathtubs up here?
Mrs. Liebowitz: That’s right. He’s lying down in our room now.
Nick: Well that is too bad. Could we send a complimentary bottle of Andre champagne over to their room on Nick Springs. And–How about that?
Mrs. Liebowitz: Thank you.
Nick: And now this crazy nut, Jeff Greenspoon, [Jeff covers his eyes with his hand] this is a guy who believed in me when no one did, and the guy who booked me in here at the Pocomont. C’mon, give him a hand! Stand up, would ya Jeff?
[Jeff stands halfway up with his head down, then quickly sits again]
Nick: How do ya feel, Jeff?
Jeff Greenspoon: Ah, wonderful, Nick. I couldn’t-a done it without you. Just keep on doin’ what you’re doin’. Keep your collar open, move around a lot, use the microphone.
Nick: Well, right you are. You know, Jeff, Jeff is a Jew. But he’s always been more than fair with me, and I love that about him. Any requests, Mrs. Liebowitz?
Mrs. Liebowitz: [frustrated] No!
Nick: All right. Jeff and Mrs. Liebowitz, this one is for you. [sings]“Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah, hey v’nismicha Hava nah-in-din-din, Hava nah-in-din-din Hava ah-lah, hey v’nismicha Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo Uru achim, b’lev somayach, Uru achim, b’lev somayach Uru achim, b’lev somayach, Uru achim, b’lev somayach Uru achim…”
ay-ya! [Turns on the drum machine, imitates the beats and bobs his head as he turns up the tempo] The Univox SR-120, ladies and gentlemen!
“Uru achim! Dun-dun da-da da-da daaaaaa!”
Thank you! Ah! I happen to know Hava Nagilah. Hey, I see the groundskeeper for the Pocomont, Jimmy Joe Red Sky! Come on up here, J.J.!
[Crowd applauds as Jimmy Joe Red Sky walks onstage carrying a dripping dead squirrel]
Nick: Tell the kids what they can do during the daytime here at Pocomont.
Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Well, all the tennis courts are about ready and the driving range, and you can rent your clubs and balls for five bucks. And look at this! [Holds up the squirrel]
Nick: A squirrel!
Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Yeah, I was cleaning out the pool and I found this little guy in the filter. But you can go swimmin’. I just put a lotta chlorine in the water, so don’t open your eyes underwater for a few days. I need a drink, Nick. [walks offstage and exits]
Nick: Ha, it’s on Nick Winter–Nick Springs. Just a second, keep your eyes closed? That was a good one, wasn’t it? Everybody heard that? Ha! Hey, my accompanist, Paul Shaffer. Come on, everyone in the room. [Crowd applauds as Paul partially stands up] Hey, did any–who was playin’ the music so loud this morning? Anybody? Did anybody hear some real loud music about six o’clock? Paul, did you?
Paul: Yes, I did.
Nick: Did it go something like [sings] “da-da-da, da-da” [Paul imitates the melody on the piano] Yeah. [Nick pauses, then turns to the crowd as Paul plays a downward crescendo on the piano] Dah! How many of you were fooled? Come on, hands! [Everyone raises their hands] I got everybody, ha-ha! [sings]“A first encounter, you Next encounter, me The third encounter’s love The Close Encounters, theeeeme Close Encounters theme.”
Thank you! Good night, everybody! Go to your rooms!
[dissolve to wide studio shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Justifiable Pesticide”] [Applause and fade]
Pedro…John Belushi Woman…Gilda Radner Announcer…Dan Aykroyd …Buddy Williams …Bill Murray
[Open on Pedro and a woman harvesting marijuana in a field. A plane is heard flying overhead as it dumps a white powder onto the crops]
Woman: Pedro! Pedro, this must be a sign from Our Lady of Guadalupe. It hasn’t snowed in Sonora for 192 years. It’s a MIRACLE!
Pedro: It’s not a miracle! It’s Paraquat!
Woman: Pedro, is this a sign that we will have an early harvest?
Pedro: Darn right we’re gonna have an early harvest, like tonight! We gonna cut and bathe this stuff right away, we can still sell it to the Gringos.
Woman: But Pedro, doesn’t it cause irreversible lung damage?
Pedro: Have you been reading newspapers again, huh? [Slaps woman] Wha’d you been doing, huh? [Slaps her two more times] Come on, work, work! It’s harvest time! HARVEST TIME!
Announcer: Yes, Paraquat does affect the quality of marijuana, but it does not affect the importation and traffic. One afternoon from this secluded valley in Sonora province, Mexico [Dissolve to North American map with a mule placed over Sonora] one-hundred tons of Paraquat-treated marijuana was transported by mule [mule moves to a plane just south of Texas] to a point 30 miles south of the United States border at York, Texas. Here, 50 tons was transferred to six converted Lockheed Hudson C-40 transport planes with flight plans for the American Midwest. [Plane on map moves north to Kansas, where a semi truck is positioned] Six hours later, the six cannabis-carrying transport planes touched down safely in the wheat field of a high-volume dealer near Pitkin, Kansas, where most of the payload was seized by federal and state law enforcement officials acting on an elderly neighbor’s tip. [Plane falls off map] But before the lawmen could surround the area, ten tons were concealed in a refrigerated tractor-trailer unit hauling a load of fresh zucchini [semi drives east to a van positioned in Kentucky] Agricultural officials stopped the tractor trailer at Bowling Green, Kentucky and, while making a random inspection, they discovered the marijuana in the zucchini. Of the ten tons on that truck, nine were seized by drug enforcement agency representatives [semi falls off map] who accepted a large bribe to let the only remaining ton leave the state safely in a customized van [van drives southeast to a saxophone player in Georgia]. This shipment was delivered to a professional cannabis broker in Macon, Georgia. This broker subsequently sold two pounds to a black musician, who returned to New York City. [Sax player moves northeast to New York] The musician took some paraquat-treated joints to work one night, and passed one of them to a young actor.
[Dissolve to Bill Murray accepting a joint from SNL bass player Buddy Williams]
Bill Murray: Are you sure this stuff is okay?
Buddy Williams: Oh yes, man. I swear it’s Colombian.
[Bill takes a few puffs, gags and coughs]
Bill Murray: [in a raspy voice] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ open on dark apartment, as couple enters and turns on the lights ]
Judi: I STILL don’t understand why you didn’t like the SALAD!
Richard: I told you, because I hate pimentos! [ he picks up the TV Guide ]
Richard: So I hate pimentos! You know? Because you don’t know what they are! I mean, what are pimentos? They’re red things you put in olives and salads, but what are they? Actual things, you know? Do they grow on farms? Are there pimento farms? What?!
Judi: I don’t think it’s necessary to know if there are pimento farms in order to eat salads that contain pimentos!
Richard: You know, I’ve never known you to interrogate me about a garnish before.
Judi: Well, it’s not just the garnish, okay? It’s other things… it’s bigger things.
Richard: [ reading the TV Guide ] Let’s see… Thursday at 10:30, what have we got?
Judi: [ she sighs ] Okay! Avoiding the subject! Building up a nice uncomfortable SILENCE, that’ll be FUN!
Richard: Do you think anything good is on?
Judi: Is that your favorite sentence — “Is anything good on?”
Richard: NO! My favorite sentence is “Hello, hurt me!”
Judi: Oh, well, I guess this is going to be the part of the evening where we watch TV and… you mouth the lines with them on “The Honeymooners”.
Richard: [ reading ] “Felix and Oscar get invited to a bowling tournament.” I saw that this afternoon! That was on this afternoon! I hate that! I hate when they put on in the afternoon what they’re gonna put on in the evening!
Judi: You hate it, but you’ll watch it.
Richard: True. True. I’m into a LOT of things I hate!
[ he turns the TV on and sits to watch “The Odd Couple”, as she sits down and endures it for as long as she can ]
Judi: [ she turns the TV off ] Whhhhyyyyy are we watching this show?!
Richard: Because it’s GOOD!
Judi: I HATE that expression, “Because it’s GOOD!” That’s what people say to describe mediocre Chinese restaurants and movies they don’t understand!
Richard: What’s the matter with good?
Judi: It’s such a NOTHING concept! It’s like “nuts”, “good”, and “nice”, they all wave to each other from across the dictionary!
Richard: You know, that is EXACTLY the kind of thing you would say! That is EXACTLY the kind of… dot-your-I’s-with-little-circles outlook on life that you have, you know?
Judi: [ taking offense ] I don’t dot my eyes with little circles!
Richard: You spell your name with an I! “Judi” with an I! Which, in 1967, I will just BET was topped by an adorable little circle!
Judi: Um, no, it wasn’t.
Richard: Yeah. Or a heart! It was ADORABLE, you know?! You know when you get adorable? You know, like, uh, like when you put on my old flannel shirt — which you put on because you say it’s more comfortable, but really it’s because it’s BIG on you, and you think you look adorable in it! This is a true thing about you! There’s lots of latent adorableness! If you don’t watch out, one day you’re gonna put on my shirt, get a “Honk If You’re Horny” bumper sticker, and buy lots of, uh — uh — “Jottings From Judi” stationery!
Judi: [ throwing her arms in the air ] This is my FAVORITE conversation pf my LIFE!
Richard: You don’t mind, I’m just gonna mouth the words with Felix and Oscar, okay?
Judi: Oh, enjoy! [ a beat ] Pimento bigot!
Richard: Plus — you LOVE calling potato chips… “that poison”! You just LOVE calling potato chips and candy… “THAT POISON!!” These are foods which, for many years, you ATE DAILY!! But now, you love to call them “THAT POISON!!” I still enjoy these foods! I AM waiting for the day that I’ll have the penaut butter cup attack that’ll kill me! But until then, I’m sucking ’em down, sister! Sucking down the poison, which I would prefer you did not mention! You know? Basically, this makes me PUKE! Okay?
Judi: Thank you so very much.
Richard: I mean… I’m onto you. You know? Eating pimentos, putting down potato chips. You could really convince me that you’re one of those perfume ad Today girls, except that I know for a fact that you’re tow favorite movies are Fellini’s “Satyricon” and “Where The Boys Are”.
Judi: You know… when you lick a joint, you always hold your tongue so that it looks like you’re licking the paper in the most efficient possible way. I have actually seen you watch yourself doing this in nearby toasters or things that reflect — watched you… practice your time!
Judi: So! That is life! That is YOU in life! Afraid to eat pimentos! Practicing your tongue! YOU are Mr. Rigid! Never leaves the house without Kleenex. You know — I know you. I know that every time you write a name in your address book, you have to write it in the SAME felt-tip pen as all the other names in your address ook are written in! I’ve seen you skip over whole working Bic pens, looking for a black felt-tip one!
Richard: Look! I am not Mr. Rigid! I may not be king of the gypsies, but I’m not Mr. Rigid! I like to think of myself as Mr. Good Sense! They know me at the cleaners… I like getting those coupons at the supermarket that you have to scrape away the top to see if it says “You Win $1,000.” I like that! I enjoy it! I look forward to it! I like simple things! You know? I like Blue Shield and Blue Cross! This, to me, is pleasure. I am planted firmly on the Earth — and so are you. Which leads me to believe that, uh, I don’t know what this big hoo-hah is all about! I mean, obviously, something else is on your mind. What is it?
[ he waits ]
Judi: You open your mouth too far when you kiss. I mean, you know when we’re kissing and I sort of try to close my mouth a little? Well, that’s to indicate to you that your mouth is open too FAR for me! I mean, this is a SIGNAL! [ she smiles maliciously ] Should we go on?
Richard: [ he makes a frustrated face ] Okay. Ohhhh-kay! [ he whips off his jacket ] Foreplay! Alright? Foreplay! Okay! You know that thing when you kiss me in those little circles that get bigger and bigger all around my back? And then you start working your way into crucial areas very slowly, to add to the excitement? It’s boring! I never told you this, because I can tell you worked real hard on timing! You know? Not to go too fast, not too go too slow… and you got this real good build-up to ecstasy. So I haven’t said anything, you know? Not to hurt your feelings. But it’s BOR-ING!! It’s like sitting through Coming Attractions!
Judi: Last week, you tied me up!
Richard: You asked me to!
Judi: We agreed!
Richard: I know we agreed!
Judi: Then you left the room!!! You LEFT the room!!
Richard: [ meekly ] Well, I can’t go to sleep without brushing my teeth.
Judi: I WAS TIED UP!! Did I look like I was going to sleep?!!
Richard: Alright, HOW much longer is this going to take?!
Judi: This is it! Also, once, very recently… I wrapped my legs around your chest. And it ended up to be for absolutely… no… reason! I mean, while I was doing it, I was thinking, “I’m not exactly sure why I’m doing it, but I’m sure I’ll find out.” Only… like, either you got confused, or you couldn’t remember how to do what you were thinking, or something! THe point is: It was for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!! And I looked stupid DOING IT!! THe fact is, ALL sex looks very stupid on the whole! So if you’re gonna do something, and you KNOW it looks stupid, it’s GOT to be for a REASON!! That’s all!! It really should!! That’s all!!
Richard: [ confused ] I have to digest this… I’m one of those digestives.
[ she sits next to him, as he mulls over their conversation ]
Judi: [ seductively ] Is anything good on?
Richard: [ he turns to look at her ] Nah.
[ he tosses the TV Guide over his shoulder, turns the TV off, as they take each other’s hand and slowly retreat tp the bedroom ] [ a lone audience member yells, “Yeah!” ] [ dissolve to wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Germ As A household Pet” ] [ fade ]
…..Richard Dreyfuss Dr. Candice Brightman…..Laraine Newman Dr. Judd Quimson…..Bill Murray Dr. Francine Shoes…..Gilda Radner Dr. Herbert Rice…..Garrett Morris
[ open on “Sex Test” title card ] [ dissolve to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: Good evening. This is Richard Dreyfuss. Our show is called “The Sex Test”. It is designed to promote good sexual health by dealing with some of the most common questions and misconceptions surrounding sex. Where needed, we will have amplication from psychologists and sex specialists. Sex is a delicate subject, and as such, we do advise parental discretion in viewing. It should be noted that sex education is preferable to sexual ignorance. And if you remove the children from the room, they’ll probably turn out as screwed up as you are.
Let’s move on to our first question: “How many times a week should a couple have sex if they’ve been married for 8 years?”
a) 4 Times b) 8 Times c) 16 Times
B — 8 Times is correct. [ ding ]
“How many times a week should a couple have se if they’ve been married 16 years?”
a) 4 Times b) 8 Times c) 16 Times
C — 16 Times. [ ding ] Very surprising. Yes, you should have sex as many times each week as the number of years in your marriage. Which is why the average marriage lasts only 15 years.
“In sex, does it matter if the woman is not satisfied — Yes or No?”
The answer… is “No.” [ ding ] Dr. Candice Brightman, of UCLA?
[ cut to Dr. Candice Brightman ]
Dr. Candice Brightman: Uh — this has been a source of confusion for many years, but we know that it is perfectly normal for a man not to care about a woman’s pleasure, just so long as he drains the lizard. Uh — this does not mean that a man shouldn’t feel bad later, and, uh, go out and buy his mate a nice gift.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “How many climaxes are in a woman’s multiple climax?”
a) 2 to 5 b) 12 to 16 c) Hundreds and Hundreds d) An infinite number
The answer… is C. [ ding ] Hundreds and Hundreds. Dr. Judd Quimson, Sociology Advisor to Penthouse Magazine.
[ cut to Dr. Judd Quimson ]
Dr. Judd Quimson: [ breathing heavily ] It’s a multiple! You know, it’s hundreds and hundreds! I mean, what’s the point, otherwise? If one of my girlfriends has, say, you know, only 30 climaxes… I feel like a real creep! I go out and buy her a nice gift.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “The proper thing to say after a man’s premature climax is:
a) Wait ’til the girls hear about this b) Can I get you anything else? c) You selfish pork face now I’ll never be satisfied
C… is the correct answer! [ ding ] Here is Dr. Francine Shoes of the Yorkies Primate Research Center… to explain why.
[ cut to Dr. Francine Shoes ]
Dr. Francine Shoes: When a man has a premature climax, he has a tendency to lie there like a beached whale. He can even fall asleep and forget that you had sex. But, by calling attention to the situation by yelling at him: “You selfish pork face! Now I’ll never be satisfied!”, he’ll roll over and become aware that you have needs, too. And he’ll probably go out and buy you a nice gift!
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “Who discovered genitalia?”
a) The Dutch b) George Washington Carver c) The Earl of Sandwich
B — George Washington Carver is the correct answer. [ ding ] Dr. Herbert Rice, author of “I’m Normal, You’re Normal”.
[ cut to Dr. Herbert Rice ]
Dr. Herbert Rice: Uh — genitalia have their origin in the fertile crescent in Africa. BUT — it wasn’t until the late 19th Century that, uh, they were discovered by George Washington Carver, the man who did more with the peanut than any man in history.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “What is the Latin plural of coius interruptus?”
a) Coiti interrupti b) Coitus interruptibus c) Coiti interruptarum d) In coitus maximus or e) None of the above
None! [ ding ] The correct plural of Coitus Interruptus is… Twins.
That’s all the time we have for tonight’s Sex Test, I hope you found it helpful. I’ve got a date… [ he reaches down ] and, fortunately, I have a nice gift, too! [ he holds up a wrapped gift ] Thank you and good night!
[ dissolve to title card ] [ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Shouts Obscenities at House Plants” ] [ fade ]