SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 04/22/78: Love Story

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Love Story

Betty…..Jane Curtin
Harold…..John Belushi

[ open in couple’s bedroom, night ]

Betty: Harold, are you asleep? Wake up, Harold — I have something to tell you.

Harold: [ muffled, under his pillow ] Can it wait ’til morning?

Betty: [ shaking him ] Harold, wake up, this is important!

Harold: [ arising ] Okay… What time is it? What is it? [ he glances at the clock ] It’s almost three o’clock in the morning, Betty.

Betty: Harold, are you listening?

Harold: Yes, I’m listening. [ he grabs his glasses ]

Betty: I’ve been cheating on you, Harold?

Harold: [ letting it sink in ] Betty, what are you saying?

Betty: I’m SAYING that I’ve BEEN with another man, Harold! I’m sorry, but it’s been DRIVING ME CRAZY keeping it to myself!

Harold: Ohhh… I can’t believe it. After 22 years of marriage. Who is it? No, don’t tell me. If I knew, I’d probably go out and KILL HIM right now!

Betty: Somebody you know, Harold.

Harold: NO, DON’T TELL ME!!

Betty: I’ve GOT to tell you! It’s the ONLY way I can live with myself! It’s Mr. Lampton!

Harold: Mr. Lampton? The druggist? He’s 72 years old! He’s old enough to be your FATHER!

Betty: [ grinning ] I know! And he’s a lot like my father, Harold — he tells me what to do, and what not to do, he rewards me when I’m good, and he SPANKS me when I’m bad, Harold.

Harold: Ohhhh, Mr. Lampton, huh? Well… [ coughing ] as long as you’re being so frank… I might as well tell you I’ve been fooling around, too, Betty.

Betty: [ amused ] You? Don’t make me laugh! [ she cracks up ]

Harold: Peggy Ann Randolph. [ he raises an eyebrow ]

Betty: I don’t believe it.

Harold: [ he shrugs ] What’s so hard to believe?

Betty: Harold, come on! She’s young enough to be your DAUGHTER!

Harold: [ smugly ] I know!

Betty: How can you keep up with her? She’d KILL you!

Harold: Well, you know, we all gotta go sometime. [ he puts his hands behind his head ] Ah, gee… you and old Mr. Lampton. I just can’t picture it!

Betty: Well, just picture this, Harold — and this happens every day: You go off to work, and I’m home wearing nothing but a housecoat. You know, the pink one you gave me last Christmas?

Harold: Yes.

Betty: Underneath, I’m as NAKED as a jaybird!

Harold: You are?

Betty: Yeah! I sure am! I drive over to Mr. Lampton’s drugstore, I park in the back, I go in the back door, Old Man Lampton’s waiting for me. He’s wearing his white lab coat — also with nothing on underneath.

Harold: Really?

Betty: Yeah, like a wrinkled jaybird.

Harold: Oh.

Betty: Harold, we both count to ten, we TEAR OFF our clothes, and RIGHT THERE on the FLOOR of the pharmacy!… he fills my prescription.

Harold: Yeah, I can picture that.

Betty: Good. Because I can’t picture you with Peggy Ann.

Harold: Well, then let me tell you. Every afternoon, when she’s finished with cheerleading practice, I pick up Peggy across from the school yard and, since I don’t want to be recognized, I disguise myself by wearing a, uh, cub scout uniform. Peggy Ann approaches the car and says, “Does Little Harold want to earn a merit badge?”

Betty: I don’t believe it.

Harold: Ah, well — you BETTER believe it! And I say, “Sure, I’d like a badge.” And then we drive into the woods. I build a fire, she fishes for minnows… and then we DO IT in a PUP TENT!

Betty: [ laughing ] What an imagination! “Pup tent”, that’s great! [ a beat ] I’m ready, how about you?

Harold: Not quite. Tell me about the back of the drugstore again. Now… you only had your housecoat on, right?

Betty: Yeah, my PINK housecoat.

Harold: Alright.

Betty: I drive to the back, he’s got his lab coat on.

Harold: Right.

Betty: And we RIP OFF our clothes!

Harold: Right…

Betty: Oh, I forgot to tell you we’re BOTH WEARING RUBBER GLOVES!!!

Harold: [ ecstatic ] OHHHHH, WOW!! That did it! That’s it, I’m ready!

[ Betty begins to unroll her hair as Harold unbuttons his pajama top ]

Betty: Great story, Harold! Great story!

Harold: I love the rubber gloves!

Betty: Yeah!

Harold: What are we gonna do tomorrow night?

Betty: I don’t know. You want to look at the nude pictures of your parents again?

Harold: Sure, sure!

Betty: Okay!

Harold: Come on!

Betty: Rubber gloves! Rubber gloves! Rubber gloves!

[ they disappear under the covers and turn the lights off ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/20/78

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 20

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

May 20th, 1978

Buck Henry

Sun Ra

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Davis

Al Franken


Brian Doyle-Murray

Mitchell Laurance

Andy Murphy

Don Novello

Tom Schiller
Nixon’s BookSummary: Former President Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd) invites outraged viewers to buy his book just so they can kick it around.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon.



Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: As Buck Henry speaks glowingly of “Heaven Can Wait” and his friendship with Warren Beatty, a scroll suggests that his career is actually over.

First Hosted: 76e.


Nerds Go To The PromSummary: Todd (Bill Murray) escorts Lisa (Gilda Radner) to their high school prom.

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner, Mr. DiLaMuca.


Samurai TV RepairmanSummary: Mr. Dantley (Buck Henry) has Futuba (John Belushi) repair his busted TV set.

Recurring Characters: Futaba, Mr. Dantley.


Sodom Chamber of CommerceSummary: Members of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce seek ways to change their city’s vile image in the eyes of outside visitors.


Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Laraine Newman narrates drawings from the Son Of Sam trial. Stargazer Bill Murray gives his review of the “The Greek Tycoon” and attempts to call Jackie Onassis. Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd debate over who gets to hold which viewpoint during Point/Counterpoint.

Olympia CafeSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) sings “Baby Ghouls” with backing vocals from a vampire (Laraine Newman).

Recurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Niko Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis.


Mr. Mike’s Least Loved MusicSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) sings “Baby Ghouls” with backing vocals from a vampire (Laraine Newman).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Mike.


More Insects To Worry AboutSummary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) discusses the dangerously artistic Bedanza mite with Dr. Russell Bedanza (Buck Henry).

Recurring Characters: Joan Face.


Stunt PuppySummary: Howard (Buck Henry) is directed to inflict abuse on puppy in a tense family scene.

Recurring Characters: Brian Welles, Howard, Gwen, Tommy.


Bad Conceptual ArtSummary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) presents an excerpt from Pavlov’s “Video Chicken I”.

Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell.

The Franken & Davis ShowSummary: Tom Davis reveals that he and Al Franken are gay lovers, destroying Al’s family life immediately.


Sun Ra performs “Space is the Place” & “Space-Loneliness”


SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 04/22/78: Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert

Don Kirshner…..Paul Shaffer
Jake Blues…..John Belushi
Elwood Blues…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Don Kirschner ]

Don Kirschner: I’m Don Kirschner, and welcome to “Rock Concert”. In 1969, Marshall Checkers, of the legendary Checkers Records, called me on a new blues act that had been playing in a small, funky club on Chicago’s South Side. Today, with the help of Jerry Erdegan, and the staff of Pacific Records, their manager, Morey Daniels, and with the support of fellow artists Curtis Selgado and the Cray Band, they are no longer an authentic blues act, but have managed to become a viable commercial product. So now, let’s join “Joliet” Jake and his silent brother Elwood – The Blues Brothers.

[ pan down and dissolve to Jake and Elwood Blues, the Blues Brothers, performing on the stage below ]

Blues Brothers: [ singing ]“I went balling the other night
I started drinking and got real tight
I blew each and all my friends
I felt so good I had to blow it again

I said Hey bartender
Hey man, looka here
A draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer

Well I saw a chick sitting on the end
I said Baby can’t we be friends
You’re looking sweet as you can be
Well come on down and drink with me

I said Hey bartender
Hey man looka here
Draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer

Well we was having so much fun
I didn’t know it was half past one
I turned around to have on more
I looked at the clock and it was half past four

Hey bartender
Hey man look a here
A draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer

Well jukebox girl is everything
All the cats began to sing
I heard somebody called and said
Last round for alcohol

I said Hey bartender
Hey bartender
Hey bartender
Hey bartender
Draw one, two, three, four glasses of beer.”

[ pan out and dissolve back to Don Kirschner up above ]

Don Kirschner: “Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/20/78: The Franken & Davis Show

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

The Franken & Davis Show

…..Buck Henry

[ open on animated title sequence ]

Announcer: It’s time for the Franken & Davis Show, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Home Base, as bare-chested Al and Tom enter amid great audience applause ]

Al Franken: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

Tom Davis: You know, uh — we’ve had so many requests for our Sumo Wrestler piece that, tonight, we just had to do it again! But, first — we’d like to introduce some VERY important people in the audience.

Al Franken: You know, there’s an old saying that behind every successful man… you’ll find a woman! And Tom and I are certainly no exceptions. So, tonight, ladies and gentlemen… I’d like you all to meet my lovely wife Darlene. She’s up there. [ he points toward the balcony ] Davey? Davey, can we get a shot of her? [ cut to shot of woman seated in balcony ] There she is! She’s over there! Ladies and gentlemen, my lovely wife Darlene! [ the audience applauds as Darlene smiles graciously ] And sitting next to her, is our son Al, Jr. [ camera pans over to a child-sized version of Al Franken ] Al, Jr. is nine years old, and he’s already in the Second Grade! And, sitting next to Al, Jr., ladies and gentlemen — Suzanne, the girl Tom lives with! [ camera pans over to a blonde woman, as the audience applauds her beauty ]

Tom Davis: [ seriously ] Al? Al, I can’t — I can’t live this lie any longer, ladies and gentlemen. Al just introduced his family and the girl I supposedly live with, to present a facade.

Al Franken: Tom…

Tom Davis: No! With all the Anita Bryant stuff going on… with all the DEFEAT of gay rights all across the United States, some people have to stand up and be counted! I think we should…

Al Franken: No, no…

Tom Davis: No, the truth of the — I mean it! The truth of the matter is: Al and I are homosexual lovers! I’d like to get that out.

Al Franken: DAMMIT, TOM!! Dammit!

Tom Davis: Al, listen — it was gonna come out sooner or later… I just thought it would be the best thing — RIGHT NOW!

Al Franken: [ nervously ] Ladies and gentlemen, uh — Tom is just joking! [ laughing ] This is part… of the routine!

Tom Davis: This is NOT a part of our routine, ladies and gentlemen. This is NOT a joke. Al and I are homosexual lovers, and we are PROUD of it! Both of us! I’d just like to say that. And, uh —

Al Franken: [ miffed ] Tom… how could you do that to us? In front of everybody… ESPECIALLY in front of my WIFE and KID! How can you do…?

Tom Davis: [ stunned ] Well, don’t they know?

Al Franken: No, they don’t know! NO! [ he hangs his head ] In front of all these people! And all the MILLIONS of people at home!

Tom Davis: That’s… that’s EXACTLY my point, Al! I — I — I wanted to make this announcement tonight… and… and… and these people are with you. They like you, they respect you… I think, in fact, they probably respect you MORE. Ladies and gentelmen, don’t you respect Al more now that you know? Now that you know…

[ the audience boos wildly ]

Tom Davis: Now that…

Al Franken: [ aggravated ] You — you see?! You see?!


[ cut to Al, Jr. standing in the audience ]


[ Al, Jr. storms away from the balcony, as Al’s wife runs after him ]

Voice of Al, Jr.: [ trailing off ] I HATE YOU, DADDY!! I HATE YOU!!

Al Franken: [ to Tom ] You see? Not only you ruined MY life…. but you ruined little Al, Jr.’s, too!

Tom Davis: [ calmly ] Al… you’re taking this…

Al Franken: [ furiously ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY YOU DID THIS, TOM!!!

Tom Davis: You’re taking this the wrong way…


Tom Davis: Come on! Let’s just do the Sumo…

Al Franken:[ shoving Tom ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY, TOM!! I’m GONNA MAKE YOU SORRY [ he runs behind the stage curtain ]

Tom Davis: Oh, stop the theatrics! Come back here! [ to the audience ] I’m so sorry — [ to Al, behind the curtain ] Al, come here! Put that gun down! Don’t put that gun to your head!

[ a gunshot fires off, and Al’s body drops behind the curtain as his leg dangles outward ] [ Tom returns to face the audience ]

Tom Davis: [ sullen ] Uh… well, that’s the end of the show… Good night, everybody…

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: The Franken & Davis Show is brought to you by… [ ad card appears ] The Communist Party of America. Working for a BETTER tomorrow! And, now — here’s Al and Tom!

[ dissolve back to Al and Tom onstage ]

Al Franken: Just kidding, everybody!

Tom Davis: He didn’t really shoot himself!

Al Franken: Good night, everybody!

Tom Davis: Good night!

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Can’t Keep Anything Down” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 04/22/78: Theodoric Of York

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Theodoric Of York

Theodoric of York…..Steve Martin
William…..Dan Aykroyd
Broom Gilda…..Gilda Radner
Joan…..Jane Curtin
Hunchback…..John Belushi
Drunkard…..Bill Murray

Announcer: [ over scolling SUPER ] “In the Middle Ages, medicine was still in its infancy. The art of healing was conducted not by physicians, but by barbers. The medieval barbers were the forerunners of today’s men of medicine, and many of the techniques they developed are still practiced today. This is the story of one such barber.”

William: Hello, Theodoric of York. Well, it’s springtime, and I’ve come for my haircut and bloodletting.

Theodoric of York: Hello, William, Son of Malcolm the Tanner. Have a seat. Broom Gilda, you start on William’s hair, and I’ll open a vein here.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Theodoric of York: How’s that baby I delivered last Christmas when your wife died?

William: Oh, the little fellow is deformed.

Theodoric of York: Oh, that’s right. I remember now. [ cuts William’s vein, as his blood spills into a bowl ]

William: Ahhh..

Announcer: And now, it’s time for another episode of “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber”.

Theodoric of York: There you go. Looks like I have another patient. I’ll be back in a minute to see how you’re doing.

William: Right. Thank you.

[ Theodoric approaches Joan, who stands next to her daughter ]

Joan: Hello, Theodoric, Barber of York.

Theodoric of York: Hello, Joan, Wife of Simkin the Miller. Well, how’s my little patient doing?

Joan: Not so well, I fear. We followed all your instructions – I mixed powder of staghorn, gum of arabic with sheep’s urine, and applied it in a poultice to her face.

Theodoric of York: And did you bury her up to her neck in the marsh and leave her overnight?

Joan: Oh, yes. But she still feels as listless as ever, if not more.

Theodoric of York: Well, let’s give her another bloodletting. Broom Gilda.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Theodoric of York: Take two pints.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Joan: Will she be alright?

Theodoric of York: Well, I’ll do everything humanly possible. Unfortunately, we barbers aren’t gods. You know, medicine is not an exact science, but we are learning all the time. Why, just fifty years ago, they thought a disease like your daughter’s was caused by demonic possession or witchcraft. But nowadays we know that Isabelle is suffering from an imbalance of bodily humors, perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach.

Joan: Well, I’m glad she’s in such good hands.

Hunchback: [ pulls Drunkard forward in a cart ] Is this Theodoric, Barber of York?

Theodoric of York: Say, don’t I know you?

Hunchback: Sure, you worked on my back.

Theodoric of York: What’s wrong with your friend here?

Hunchback: He broke his legs.

Drunkard: I was at the festival of the vernal equinox, and I guess I had a little too much mead.. and I darted out in front of an oxcart. It all happened so fast. They couldn’t stop in time.

Theodoric of York: Well, you’ll a lot better after a good bleeding.

Drunkard: But I’m bleeding already!

Theodoric of York: Say, whos the barber here?

Drunkard: Okay, okay, just do something for my legs.

Theodoric of York: Well, the three of us will get you up on the gibbet here. [ turns Drunkard upside-down, then spreads his legs apart ] Okay, now this is gonna hurt a little. What we’re doing is separating your broken bones, and if you don’t feel better tomorrow, we’ll just cut his legs off about here.

Drunkard: Okay. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna feel better tomorrow!

Theodoric of York: I guess this will teach you to go easy on the mead. Broom Gilda put a few leeches on his forehead.

[ Broom Gilda complies ]

Drunkard: Thank you.

Theodoric of York: [ to William ] When was the last time you came in for a worming?

William: I guess I’m due.. but I don’t have time today. Please accept my payment – this fine, fat goose. [ hands over goose ]

Theodoric of York: Thank you. Broom Gilda will give you your change. [ returns to Joan ] So, how’s the little patient doing?
Joan: She’s worse. She’s looking pale.

Theodoric of York: Well, if she’s not responding to treatment, I’m afriad we’ll have to run some more tests. Broom Gilda, bring me the Caladrius Bird.

Joan: Caladrius Bird?

Theodoric of York: Yes. The Caladrius Bird is placed beside a patient. If the bird looks at a patient’s face, she will live; but if it looks at her feet, she will die. Okay, now, Freddy, come on out. [ unleashes bird from cage, but it just flies off ] I don’t know how to interpret that. Did you see Broom Gilda?

Broom Gilda: No.

Theodoric of York: Well, I guess, take another pint from Isabelle – and while you’re at it, take two pints from the bird.

Broom Gilda: [ feels paitnet ] She’s dead.

Joan: Dead! Dead! I can’t believe it! My little daughter dead!

Theodoric of York: Now, Mrs. Miller, you’re distraught, tired.. you may be suffering from nervous exhaustion. I think you’d feel better if I let some of your blood.

Joan: You charlatan! You killed my daughter, just like you killed most of my other children! Why don’t you admit it! You don’t know what you’re doing!

Theodoric of York: [ steps toward the camera ] Wait a minute. Perhaps she’s right. Perhaps I’ve been wrong to blindly folow the medical traditions and superstitions of past centuries. Maybe we barbers should test these assumptions analytically, through experimentation and a “scientific method”. Maybe this scientific method could be extended to other fields of learning: the natural sciences, art, architecture, navigation. Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a Renaissance! [ thinks for a minute ] Naaaaaahhh!

Announcer: Tune in next week for another episode of “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber”, when you’ll hear Theodoric say:

Theodoric of York: A little bloodletting and some boar’s vomit, and he’ll be fine!

[ dissolve to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Extra-Sensory Conception” ] [ pan to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/20/78: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra


…..Buck Henry

Buck Henry: Good night, folks! They’ll all be back in the Fall — or not. See you then. Thank you for coming!

[ Dan Aykroyd steps forward to show off his t-shirt ]

Announcer: Be sure to watch encore performances of “Saturday Night Live” right through the summer. Beginning this Saturday, with host O.J. Simpson. And now, this is Don Pardo sinking into the Summer of ’78. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 04/22/78: Troff ‘n’ Brew

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Troff ‘n’ Brew

Bill…..Steve Martin
Male Co-Worker #1…..Bill Murray
Female Co-Worker…..Jane Curtin
Male Co-Worker #2…..Garrett Morris
Male Patron…..Tom Davis
Waitress #1…..Gilda Radner
Female Patron…..Rosie Shuster
Ray Swangen…..John Belushi
Ray’s Friend…..Dan Aykroyd
Waitress #2…..Laraine Newman
Other Patrons…..Anne Beatts, Jim Downey, Brian Doyle-Murray, Al Franken, Mitchell Laurance, Tom Schiller

[ open on group of four co-workers approaching elevator ]

Bill: So… where are we going to take lunch?

Male Co-worker #1: For God’s sake, let’s pick someplace close by.

Female Co-worker: Well, there’s Fujiwa.

Male Co-worker #2: No, no… Japanese food makes me sweat.

Female Co-worker: How about that Italian place?

Male Co-worker #1: I had Italian last night, if you don’t mind.

Bill: How about that new place, the Troff ‘n’ Brew?

Female Co-worker: Oh, I don’t know… I’ve been there once, and it was all right

Bill: Come on! Let’s go there! It’s close by, they know me in there, it’s got great lighting, great chili. Come on, let’s go.

[ the elevator dings ]

Male Co-worker #1: I could use some chili.

[ they step into the elevator and grumble amongst themselves as the doors close ] [ dissolve to the interior of the Troff ‘n’ Brew, Male Patron #1 leaning over a bucket drinking beer straight from the tap as Waitress #1 works the spigot. He then dunks his head into the bucket of beer. ] [ slow pan across the chili trough, as various patrons lean over to eat their lunch, including Ray Swangen and his buddy ]

Ray’s Buddy: Ray… I’ll tell ya’ — I gotta go next week, and I gotta entertain Herb Cochran’s wife, and I was wondering if you could get me some tickets for the Yankee-Red Sox game. It might give me the opportunity I’ve been looking for to, you know, take his temperature, saw off any old wounds.

Ray Swangen: Uhhhh — no problem! I’ll send a memo to, uh, to Doris, and I’ll set it up. I’d like to have Herb Cock in my corner!

Ray’s Buddy: Yeah. Absolutely.

[ Waitress #2 steps forward with a fresh bucket of chili ]

Waitress #2: Everything okay here?

Ray’s Buddy: Yeah! It’s good!

Waitress #2: Heads up! More chili!

[ she pours the chili out of the bucket and even scoops the bottom of the bucket by hand. Ray and his buddy lean over to eat the fresh chili. ] [ Bill and his co-workers enter and grab their bibs ]

Male Co-worker #2: Hey! This place is really nice! Who owns these Troff ‘n’ Brews, anyway?

Female Co-worker: Somebody told me it’s another Dining Associates chain. Six or seven of ’em just opened up in the city.

[ the two co-workers dig into the chili ]

Female Co-worker: This place isn’t always crowded. It’s good chili — I have to be careful not to eat too much, though.

[ pan over to Bill and his fellow co-worker digging into the chili ]

Male Co-worker #1: You know… we had better send that Telex out to Detroit right after lunch. I’m gonna step over here to a brew basin and wash this down with some cold brewski.

Bill: Yeah, I could suck back some cold beer.

[ they walk over to the beer buckets ] [ pan over to Ray and his buddy slurping beer from a bucket in the far corner ]

Ray’s Buddy: Hey, Ray?

Ray Swangen: Yeah?

Ray’s Buddy: Who’s picking up the tab for this feast?

Ray Swangen: I’ll do it. I’ll sign in my company — I’m known here. [ he looks up ] Hey, Waitress!

Waitress #1: [ stepping forward ] Yes, Sir!

Ray Swangen: Uh — I’d like a tab. You know? Ray Swangen Industries.

Waitress #1: Uh, yeah — how many heads?

Ray Swangen: Two.

Waitress #1: Two head! Alright. Sign here. [ Ray signs the tab ] Thank you!

Ray’s Buddy: Ah, beautiful! Thanks a lot, Ray! I’ll get you next week.

Ray Swangen: Ah, whatever.

[ they continue to sip beer from the bucket, as an announcement comes over ]

P.A. V/O: The Troff ‘n’ Brew is closing for a one half-hour hosedown. Please stop feeding, pay your check, and LEAVE by the MAIN exit present!

[ Waitress #2 begins hosing off patrons’ faces ]

P.A. V/O: Please deposit your bibs in the Bib Bin and head to the MAIN exit! One half-hour hosedown —

[ patrons corral toward the exit like cattle, and make just as much noise in the process ] [ pan upward into the audience, where one man peers over the balcony onto the stage with great interest ] [ the camera zooms onto the woman seated next to him, with SUPER: “Looked Better In Ticket Line” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/20/78: More Insects To Worry About

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

More Insects To Worry About

Joan Face…..Jane Curtin
Dr. Russell Bedanza…..Buck Henry

Joan Face: Good evening, and welcome to “More Insects to Worry About”. I’m your host — Joan Face. Tonight’s guest is one of the country’s leading entymologists — Dr. Russell Bedanza.

Dr. Russell Bedanza: It’s very, very nice to be here, Miss Face. I LOVE your show! For me, it’s the omly thing on television worth watching.

Joan Face: Oh, thank you, Dr. Bedanza! You’ve devoted your life to insects — cataloging them, photographing them, even living amongst them as an insect. Now, I ask this of everyone who comes on this show, and if you had to pick one insect out of the whole insect kingdom, that was the biggest threat to the survival of the human species… what would that insect be?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Oh, boy! [ he laughs heartily ] Whoo-hoo-hoo! That’s a tough one! I hate to single one out, when they’re are SO many! Uh — let’s see. There is, of course, the mucus-flinging lawn faggot… uh, MAGGOT! Sorry! UH — the, uh — the common crotch wasp, a tricky little devil… and, uh, the whooping slug.

Joan Face: [ excited ] Oh! Aren’t they the ones that fasten themselves to human eyeball and just suck like there’s no tomorrow?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Exactly! They’re a real nusiance, Miss Face. You actually have to steam them off. But, for a real nightmare insect — make mine the Bedanza Mite.

Joan Face: The Bedanza Mite? Named after you?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: No — I’m named after it.

Joan Face: Well, what makes the Bedanza Mite such a threat?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well… they’re a burrowing mite. His favorite habitat is the human brain. 80% of their body weight is in their mouth parts, so you can very well imagine how VORACIOUSLY they can tongue through that grey matter! [ he chuckles ] They make it look easy!

Joan Face: Well, how do they get in there? Do they gnaw their way through the skull?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well, they could if they wanted… but they seem to prefer natural openings, like the mouth, ears, nostrils, tear ducts — any aperature at all. They can’t walk by one without going in.

Joan Face: Well, what do they do once they’re in the brain.

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Ah! During they day, they excavate; during the night, they scavange — that is, they go out and look for interesting things to bring back inside.

Joan Face: What sort of things?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Oh, whatever’s close at hand. Usually, things found on the host’s night table: loose change, ticket stubs, breath mints…

Joan Face: Generally, small things?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Ah, you would be surprised, Miss Face, what these mites can pack into a hollowed-out human cranium. Now, autopsies have turned up car keys, checkbooks, jars of cold cream, and — once — a paperback copy of “Shogun”. It’s incredible. It seems like the worst victims sleep with their mouthes or their legs open.

Joan Face: Why do they do it?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: For art, Miss Face. Don’t ask me why, but these insects fancy themselves as artists. To them, a collection of loose objects hung inside someone’s head is art.

Joan Face: They make art?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Ah… well, they call it art. I’m an anthropologist, not an art critic. But I know what I like. FRankly, uh, I’ve got a four-year old at home who can do better than these insects.

Joan Face: So, you’re married?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well, no. Mrs. Bedanza passed away.

Joan Face: [ sullen ] Bedanza mite?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Yes. Mrs. Bedanza was a mouth-breather. Things kept disappearing around the house, but we NEVER put two and two together, ’til, one day, they top of her head CAVED IN.

Joan Face: [ sympathetic ] I’m very sorry…

Dr. Russell Bedanza: I kind of blame myself But back to mite art. You know, some of their work’s not altogether bad. There’s a colony of them out on the coast that are branching out into some new areas. I did catch a very interesting show of theirs that’s on Don Ho’s rear end.

Joan Face: [ excited ] What’s it like?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well, it’s very hard to describe. You’ve really got to see it for yourself. For instance, there’s this swizzle stick from Trader Vic’s…

Joan Face: Oh, no, no, no, no! Don’t spoil it for me! How long is it going to be going on?

Dr. Russell Bedanza: I think it’s on through June, then Don’s going back to Hawaii and he’ll probably bring the exhibit back with him.

Joan Face: [ jotting it down ] Well, I’ll have to see…

Dr. Russell Bedanza: One thing — don’t go on a Sunday. The crowds are incredible, they go on for miles.

Joan Face: Thank you!

Dr. Russell Bedanza: [ slyly ] You know, I wouldn’t mind going seeing it again myself…

Joan Face: [ blushing ] Well, great! I’d like that very much. [ to the audience ] Well, that about wraps it up for tonight. Join me next week, when we’ll worry about Disco Lice. Thank you.

[ Joan quickly returns her attention to Dr. Bedenza, as the camera pans upward into the audience and zooms in on a woman with SUPER: “Flosses With A Friend” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 04/22/78: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update”news team. Brought to you by Cruelex, the first men’s grooming aid that promotes jock itch. Here are co-anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd.

Dan Aykroyd: Good evening. I’m Dave Aykroyd. [ cringes ] Jane Curtin: And I’m Jean Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Aldo Moro is alive. The well-being of the former Italian president was confirmed this week, when his subductress issued this photograph of Moro, holding Wednesday’s paper. And, in a related story, “Weekend Update” has received proof of the well-being of another person feared dead – this photograph of former Teamster boss, Jimmy Hoffa, shown holding today’s Daily News. Questioned as to his whereabouts all this time, Hoffa exclaimed that he had bee a regular on the “Lou Grant” TV series, and attributes his so-called disappearance to “low ratings”.

House and Senate conferees finally reached an agreement yesterday onnational gas pricing, a year and a day after President Carter unveiled his energy program. Energy Secretary James Schlessinger is encouraged, and says the only thing that got him through the last 12 months was watching the phenomenal success of his illegitimate son, comedian Steve Martin.

Believed to have been dead for the last five years, Lyndon Johnson, this week, gave a surprise visit to Jimmy Carter at the White House. Aging and white-haired, but looking remarkably fit, the former President said his death in 1973 was just a hoax. He then flew out to Missouri to visit Harry Truman.

Dan Aykroyd: Uh.. authorities have issued a marijuana alert, because.. uh.. in fact, much of it has been sprayed, under orders of the U.S. Health Department, with the deadly herbacide Paraquet. Uh.. an easy test is now available to find out whether or not marijuana does contain Paraquet. As a public service, we sent correspondent Garrett Morris.. uh.. uptown to.. uh.. see if.. uh.. we could get some dope, so we could show you how to test it. Uh.. you have the stuff?

Garrett Morris: Uh.. yeah..

Dan Aykroyd: Okay.. [ slips Garrett the money as the marijuana is slipped to him ] Here’s some bread.. Now, please, in no way does this mean that we at “Weekend Update” advocate the smoking of arijuana. It’s just that a survey shows that 90% of our viewers smoke it daily. So, it’s for that minority that we’re doing this test.. [ examines the bag of marijuana uncomfortably, turns to Garrett ] This looks really light..

Garrett Morris: No, man, it’s cool.

Dan Aykroyd: It’s light, give me the rest of the lid, man.

Garrett Morris: Look, it’s clean, man.. no seeds, no stems, that’s all.

Dan Aykroyd: It’s light, it’s under, it’s under..

Garrett Morris: Man, I can’t go back up there, man, okay? Those guys scare me.

Dan Aykroyd: I’m sorry, Garrett, but that’s the third you’veshort-changed us. Everybody here’s gonna get really mad..

Garrett Morris: Please, man, don’t make me go back up there. They’re gonna beat me up again, man, I know.. [ inches away from the Update desk ]

Dan Aykroyd: [ to the audience ] We’ll show you that test later. You see, to perform it, you need a complete ounce. Not three-quarters or seven-eighths, but a complete ounce! Sorry to take up your time.

In New Delhi, the Indian Institute of Medicine has developed the world’s first nasal spray contraceptive. Although theoretically effective, doctors won’t be able to know conclusively until they find someone in India who practices nasal intercourse.

Dan Aykroyd: Tonight on “Point/Counterpoint”, Jane and I will argue Federal Aid for Abortions. Jane will take the Point for Federal Aid, and I will take the Counterpoint against. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Safe abortions have always been available to the rich, Dan. You simply want to deny them to the poor, and if you succeed, poor woman will be forced to get them anyway. They’ll beforced into the alleys with hangers, plungers and vacuum cleaners, risking death or mutilation. But you’d like that, wouldn’t you, Dan, you sadistic, elitist, sexist, racist, anti-humanist pig!

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant, misguided slut! Once again, you missed the point entirely. [ enraged ] Why should I pay hard-earned dollars so welfare tarts can have sex anytime they want, without regards to consequences? Haven’t these bimbos heard of abstinence? I, myself, haven’t had sex for two years – and I’m rich! Why should I foot the bill for killing unborn infants, anyway? I’ll pay for something practical like sterilization – but abortions? Never! With one exception – if I had been around when your mother was having you, not only would I have paid for the abortion, but I would have performed it myself!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dan.

Dan Aykroyd: Uh.. recent bulletin. This just in: Garrett Morris is dead. What appears to have been a drug-related incident, eight youths fatally shot the late “Update” correspondent at a mid-town playground. Another Paraquet-related death, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Hoping your news is good news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday NightNews”. Keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/20/78: Buck Henry’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Buck Henry’s Monologue

…..Buck Henry

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Buck Henry!

Buck Henry: Thank you all very much! It is VERY nice to be be back here, and an HONOR to be back here for the LAST show of the Third Season of this EXTRAORDINARY show. [ the audience applauds enthusiastically ] I, uh — I did the last show of last season, and, uh, I sometimes… I suppose you’ve wondered — and I’ve wondered — why I’m back again to do the last show of this season, because, I mean, they have some quite incredible hosts. Last week was Richard Dreyfuss, the winner of an Academy Award; a few weeks before was Steve Martin, perhaps the fastest rising young comic of our time… and I think, when you really come down to it — and I say this, I think, without any false sense of pride or modesty that what it probably is, is that the “Saturday Night Live” accepts the fact that, from me, they gain a sense of — what shall I call it? — class. I mean, after all, I have been, for the last year or so, working on a major motion picture called “Heaven Can Wait”, with some quite extraordinary people. I’ve been with them for a year. Uh — James Mason, Julie Christie, and my good friend and producer of the film and star of the film and co-director of the film… Mr. Warren Beatty, who has become a real pal of mine, a real friend, and a wonderful, wonderful guy to work with. Uh, I mean… we’ve been, we’ve been together now for almost… I guess for a year now. And Julie Christie has been with us, too, and she’s a wonderful girl and I could tell you terrific stories about her, if I had the time. All of us working together, in this kind of enterprise… I think, doing something as BIG as a picture like this gives my career — and the “Saturday Night” show — a sense of working on something, a persoective of something larger than just a weekly television show. I think the way I live, for instance, the way I live in Hollywood, the way I conduct myself both professionally and in my private life, demands a kind dignity to the show that most guests can’t give it. My home in Hollywood, I think, epitomizes, perhaps, what people like myself… what can I say about it? It’s not garish, but it represents a kind of classiness, and a kind of Hollywood success that most people understand and go for, and perhaps envy a little, and this show certainly can use some of it. I think there are fine people here, and they understand exactly what they’re doing when they asked me to come out here and say some things about them and about myself, and about what kind of person I am and that I deserve to be here. I’ve done this a few times, and I think I’m proud of this time because I know how I’m helping them out of a tight spot, being the last show of the year. And I know Lorne, if he were here, would probably say the same thing because, not only is he my buddy, but because he’s got that same sense of show business, and the same feeling for me and for all of you built in.

[ as Buck talks, the following text SCROLLS up the screen: ]

“Buck doesn’t know Warren Beatty. He doesn’t know Julie Christie, either. He seems to know he’s here now, but clearly he doesn’t know why.

You see, Buck’s career is over. It’s been more than ten years since “The Graduate”. Even David Begelman doesn’t return his calls. This is a tough period for him — burnt out and lonely — what his psychiatrist calls “Mid-Life Crisis”.

It’s sad the way things work out in comedy. One day you’re on top of the heap, the next day you’re trying to convince people you know Warren Beatty.

Buck never married. He lives alone in his small Hollywood apartment — just a few magazines and a telescope. You figure it out. Sure, maybe we should have gotten some big star to do the last show. Some say with NBC in third place in the raings war, we can’t afford to be sentimental.But we believe there are some things more important than ratings — like helping a has-been through a difficult period. But then, that’s the kind of people we are.

Well, we’ve helped him through this. Now it’s up to you the audience, to help him through the rest of the show.

And Warren, if you’re watching, you can help, too. If you see Buck somewhere, and you recognize him, just nod or wave. It will mean an awful lot to him. Remember, the wheel turns, and maybe someday, if your world crumbles, you can go over to Buck’s small apartment and use his telescope.” ]

Buck Henry: So… I wanted to thank you for this opportunity to talk to you, and, uh — we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts