SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 04/22/78: Theodoric Of York

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Theodoric Of York

Theodoric of York…..Steve Martin
William…..Dan Aykroyd
Broom Gilda…..Gilda Radner
Joan…..Jane Curtin
Hunchback…..John Belushi
Drunkard…..Bill Murray

Announcer: [ over scolling SUPER ] “In the Middle Ages, medicine was still in its infancy. The art of healing was conducted not by physicians, but by barbers. The medieval barbers were the forerunners of today’s men of medicine, and many of the techniques they developed are still practiced today. This is the story of one such barber.”

William: Hello, Theodoric of York. Well, it’s springtime, and I’ve come for my haircut and bloodletting.

Theodoric of York: Hello, William, Son of Malcolm the Tanner. Have a seat. Broom Gilda, you start on William’s hair, and I’ll open a vein here.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Theodoric of York: How’s that baby I delivered last Christmas when your wife died?

William: Oh, the little fellow is deformed.

Theodoric of York: Oh, that’s right. I remember now. [ cuts William’s vein, as his blood spills into a bowl ]

William: Ahhh..

Announcer: And now, it’s time for another episode of “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber”.

Theodoric of York: There you go. Looks like I have another patient. I’ll be back in a minute to see how you’re doing.

William: Right. Thank you.

[ Theodoric approaches Joan, who stands next to her daughter ]

Joan: Hello, Theodoric, Barber of York.

Theodoric of York: Hello, Joan, Wife of Simkin the Miller. Well, how’s my little patient doing?

Joan: Not so well, I fear. We followed all your instructions – I mixed powder of staghorn, gum of arabic with sheep’s urine, and applied it in a poultice to her face.

Theodoric of York: And did you bury her up to her neck in the marsh and leave her overnight?

Joan: Oh, yes. But she still feels as listless as ever, if not more.

Theodoric of York: Well, let’s give her another bloodletting. Broom Gilda.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Theodoric of York: Take two pints.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Joan: Will she be alright?

Theodoric of York: Well, I’ll do everything humanly possible. Unfortunately, we barbers aren’t gods. You know, medicine is not an exact science, but we are learning all the time. Why, just fifty years ago, they thought a disease like your daughter’s was caused by demonic possession or witchcraft. But nowadays we know that Isabelle is suffering from an imbalance of bodily humors, perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach.

Joan: Well, I’m glad she’s in such good hands.

Hunchback: [ pulls Drunkard forward in a cart ] Is this Theodoric, Barber of York?

Theodoric of York: Say, don’t I know you?

Hunchback: Sure, you worked on my back.

Theodoric of York: What’s wrong with your friend here?

Hunchback: He broke his legs.

Drunkard: I was at the festival of the vernal equinox, and I guess I had a little too much mead.. and I darted out in front of an oxcart. It all happened so fast. They couldn’t stop in time.

Theodoric of York: Well, you’ll a lot better after a good bleeding.

Drunkard: But I’m bleeding already!

Theodoric of York: Say, whos the barber here?

Drunkard: Okay, okay, just do something for my legs.

Theodoric of York: Well, the three of us will get you up on the gibbet here. [ turns Drunkard upside-down, then spreads his legs apart ] Okay, now this is gonna hurt a little. What we’re doing is separating your broken bones, and if you don’t feel better tomorrow, we’ll just cut his legs off about here.

Drunkard: Okay. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna feel better tomorrow!

Theodoric of York: I guess this will teach you to go easy on the mead. Broom Gilda put a few leeches on his forehead.

[ Broom Gilda complies ]

Drunkard: Thank you.

Theodoric of York: [ to William ] When was the last time you came in for a worming?

William: I guess I’m due.. but I don’t have time today. Please accept my payment – this fine, fat goose. [ hands over goose ]

Theodoric of York: Thank you. Broom Gilda will give you your change. [ returns to Joan ] So, how’s the little patient doing?
Joan: She’s worse. She’s looking pale.

Theodoric of York: Well, if she’s not responding to treatment, I’m afriad we’ll have to run some more tests. Broom Gilda, bring me the Caladrius Bird.

Joan: Caladrius Bird?

Theodoric of York: Yes. The Caladrius Bird is placed beside a patient. If the bird looks at a patient’s face, she will live; but if it looks at her feet, she will die. Okay, now, Freddy, come on out. [ unleashes bird from cage, but it just flies off ] I don’t know how to interpret that. Did you see Broom Gilda?

Broom Gilda: No.

Theodoric of York: Well, I guess, take another pint from Isabelle – and while you’re at it, take two pints from the bird.

Broom Gilda: [ feels paitnet ] She’s dead.

Joan: Dead! Dead! I can’t believe it! My little daughter dead!

Theodoric of York: Now, Mrs. Miller, you’re distraught, tired.. you may be suffering from nervous exhaustion. I think you’d feel better if I let some of your blood.

Joan: You charlatan! You killed my daughter, just like you killed most of my other children! Why don’t you admit it! You don’t know what you’re doing!

Theodoric of York: [ steps toward the camera ] Wait a minute. Perhaps she’s right. Perhaps I’ve been wrong to blindly folow the medical traditions and superstitions of past centuries. Maybe we barbers should test these assumptions analytically, through experimentation and a “scientific method”. Maybe this scientific method could be extended to other fields of learning: the natural sciences, art, architecture, navigation. Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a Renaissance! [ thinks for a minute ] Naaaaaahhh!

Announcer: Tune in next week for another episode of “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber”, when you’ll hear Theodoric say:

Theodoric of York: A little bloodletting and some boar’s vomit, and he’ll be fine!

[ dissolve to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Extra-Sensory Conception” ] [ pan to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 04/22/78: Troff ‘n’ Brew

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Troff ‘n’ Brew

Bill…..Steve Martin
Male Co-Worker #1…..Bill Murray
Female Co-Worker…..Jane Curtin
Male Co-Worker #2…..Garrett Morris
Male Patron…..Tom Davis
Waitress #1…..Gilda Radner
Female Patron…..Rosie Shuster
Ray Swangen…..John Belushi
Ray’s Friend…..Dan Aykroyd
Waitress #2…..Laraine Newman
Other Patrons…..Anne Beatts, Jim Downey, Brian Doyle-Murray, Al Franken, Mitchell Laurance, Tom Schiller

[ open on group of four co-workers approaching elevator ]

Bill: So… where are we going to take lunch?

Male Co-worker #1: For God’s sake, let’s pick someplace close by.

Female Co-worker: Well, there’s Fujiwa.

Male Co-worker #2: No, no… Japanese food makes me sweat.

Female Co-worker: How about that Italian place?

Male Co-worker #1: I had Italian last night, if you don’t mind.

Bill: How about that new place, the Troff ‘n’ Brew?

Female Co-worker: Oh, I don’t know… I’ve been there once, and it was all right

Bill: Come on! Let’s go there! It’s close by, they know me in there, it’s got great lighting, great chili. Come on, let’s go.

[ the elevator dings ]

Male Co-worker #1: I could use some chili.

[ they step into the elevator and grumble amongst themselves as the doors close ] [ dissolve to the interior of the Troff ‘n’ Brew, Male Patron #1 leaning over a bucket drinking beer straight from the tap as Waitress #1 works the spigot. He then dunks his head into the bucket of beer. ] [ slow pan across the chili trough, as various patrons lean over to eat their lunch, including Ray Swangen and his buddy ]

Ray’s Buddy: Ray… I’ll tell ya’ — I gotta go next week, and I gotta entertain Herb Cochran’s wife, and I was wondering if you could get me some tickets for the Yankee-Red Sox game. It might give me the opportunity I’ve been looking for to, you know, take his temperature, saw off any old wounds.

Ray Swangen: Uhhhh — no problem! I’ll send a memo to, uh, to Doris, and I’ll set it up. I’d like to have Herb Cock in my corner!

Ray’s Buddy: Yeah. Absolutely.

[ Waitress #2 steps forward with a fresh bucket of chili ]

Waitress #2: Everything okay here?

Ray’s Buddy: Yeah! It’s good!

Waitress #2: Heads up! More chili!

[ she pours the chili out of the bucket and even scoops the bottom of the bucket by hand. Ray and his buddy lean over to eat the fresh chili. ] [ Bill and his co-workers enter and grab their bibs ]

Male Co-worker #2: Hey! This place is really nice! Who owns these Troff ‘n’ Brews, anyway?

Female Co-worker: Somebody told me it’s another Dining Associates chain. Six or seven of ’em just opened up in the city.

[ the two co-workers dig into the chili ]

Female Co-worker: This place isn’t always crowded. It’s good chili — I have to be careful not to eat too much, though.

[ pan over to Bill and his fellow co-worker digging into the chili ]

Male Co-worker #1: You know… we had better send that Telex out to Detroit right after lunch. I’m gonna step over here to a brew basin and wash this down with some cold brewski.

Bill: Yeah, I could suck back some cold beer.

[ they walk over to the beer buckets ] [ pan over to Ray and his buddy slurping beer from a bucket in the far corner ]

Ray’s Buddy: Hey, Ray?

Ray Swangen: Yeah?

Ray’s Buddy: Who’s picking up the tab for this feast?

Ray Swangen: I’ll do it. I’ll sign in my company — I’m known here. [ he looks up ] Hey, Waitress!

Waitress #1: [ stepping forward ] Yes, Sir!

Ray Swangen: Uh — I’d like a tab. You know? Ray Swangen Industries.

Waitress #1: Uh, yeah — how many heads?

Ray Swangen: Two.

Waitress #1: Two head! Alright. Sign here. [ Ray signs the tab ] Thank you!

Ray’s Buddy: Ah, beautiful! Thanks a lot, Ray! I’ll get you next week.

Ray Swangen: Ah, whatever.

[ they continue to sip beer from the bucket, as an announcement comes over ]

P.A. V/O: The Troff ‘n’ Brew is closing for a one half-hour hosedown. Please stop feeding, pay your check, and LEAVE by the MAIN exit present!

[ Waitress #2 begins hosing off patrons’ faces ]

P.A. V/O: Please deposit your bibs in the Bib Bin and head to the MAIN exit! One half-hour hosedown —

[ patrons corral toward the exit like cattle, and make just as much noise in the process ] [ pan upward into the audience, where one man peers over the balcony onto the stage with great interest ] [ the camera zooms onto the woman seated next to him, with SUPER: “Looked Better In Ticket Line” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 04/22/78: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update”news team. Brought to you by Cruelex, the first men’s grooming aid that promotes jock itch. Here are co-anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd.

Dan Aykroyd: Good evening. I’m Dave Aykroyd. [ cringes ] Jane Curtin: And I’m Jean Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Aldo Moro is alive. The well-being of the former Italian president was confirmed this week, when his subductress issued this photograph of Moro, holding Wednesday’s paper. And, in a related story, “Weekend Update” has received proof of the well-being of another person feared dead – this photograph of former Teamster boss, Jimmy Hoffa, shown holding today’s Daily News. Questioned as to his whereabouts all this time, Hoffa exclaimed that he had bee a regular on the “Lou Grant” TV series, and attributes his so-called disappearance to “low ratings”.

House and Senate conferees finally reached an agreement yesterday onnational gas pricing, a year and a day after President Carter unveiled his energy program. Energy Secretary James Schlessinger is encouraged, and says the only thing that got him through the last 12 months was watching the phenomenal success of his illegitimate son, comedian Steve Martin.

Believed to have been dead for the last five years, Lyndon Johnson, this week, gave a surprise visit to Jimmy Carter at the White House. Aging and white-haired, but looking remarkably fit, the former President said his death in 1973 was just a hoax. He then flew out to Missouri to visit Harry Truman.

Dan Aykroyd: Uh.. authorities have issued a marijuana alert, because.. uh.. in fact, much of it has been sprayed, under orders of the U.S. Health Department, with the deadly herbacide Paraquet. Uh.. an easy test is now available to find out whether or not marijuana does contain Paraquet. As a public service, we sent correspondent Garrett Morris.. uh.. uptown to.. uh.. see if.. uh.. we could get some dope, so we could show you how to test it. Uh.. you have the stuff?

Garrett Morris: Uh.. yeah..

Dan Aykroyd: Okay.. [ slips Garrett the money as the marijuana is slipped to him ] Here’s some bread.. Now, please, in no way does this mean that we at “Weekend Update” advocate the smoking of arijuana. It’s just that a survey shows that 90% of our viewers smoke it daily. So, it’s for that minority that we’re doing this test.. [ examines the bag of marijuana uncomfortably, turns to Garrett ] This looks really light..

Garrett Morris: No, man, it’s cool.

Dan Aykroyd: It’s light, give me the rest of the lid, man.

Garrett Morris: Look, it’s clean, man.. no seeds, no stems, that’s all.

Dan Aykroyd: It’s light, it’s under, it’s under..

Garrett Morris: Man, I can’t go back up there, man, okay? Those guys scare me.

Dan Aykroyd: I’m sorry, Garrett, but that’s the third you’veshort-changed us. Everybody here’s gonna get really mad..

Garrett Morris: Please, man, don’t make me go back up there. They’re gonna beat me up again, man, I know.. [ inches away from the Update desk ]

Dan Aykroyd: [ to the audience ] We’ll show you that test later. You see, to perform it, you need a complete ounce. Not three-quarters or seven-eighths, but a complete ounce! Sorry to take up your time.

In New Delhi, the Indian Institute of Medicine has developed the world’s first nasal spray contraceptive. Although theoretically effective, doctors won’t be able to know conclusively until they find someone in India who practices nasal intercourse.

Dan Aykroyd: Tonight on “Point/Counterpoint”, Jane and I will argue Federal Aid for Abortions. Jane will take the Point for Federal Aid, and I will take the Counterpoint against. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Safe abortions have always been available to the rich, Dan. You simply want to deny them to the poor, and if you succeed, poor woman will be forced to get them anyway. They’ll beforced into the alleys with hangers, plungers and vacuum cleaners, risking death or mutilation. But you’d like that, wouldn’t you, Dan, you sadistic, elitist, sexist, racist, anti-humanist pig!

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant, misguided slut! Once again, you missed the point entirely. [ enraged ] Why should I pay hard-earned dollars so welfare tarts can have sex anytime they want, without regards to consequences? Haven’t these bimbos heard of abstinence? I, myself, haven’t had sex for two years – and I’m rich! Why should I foot the bill for killing unborn infants, anyway? I’ll pay for something practical like sterilization – but abortions? Never! With one exception – if I had been around when your mother was having you, not only would I have paid for the abortion, but I would have performed it myself!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dan.

Dan Aykroyd: Uh.. recent bulletin. This just in: Garrett Morris is dead. What appears to have been a drug-related incident, eight youths fatally shot the late “Update” correspondent at a mid-town playground. Another Paraquet-related death, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Hoping your news is good news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday NightNews”. Keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Richard Dreyfuss: 05/13/78

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 19

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 13th, 1978

Richard Dreyfuss

Jimmy Buffett

Gary Tigerman

Paraquat ChaseSummary: The journey of paraquet-laced marijuana is traced from the fields of Mexico to Bill Murray at Studio 8-H in New York.



Richard Dreyfuss’ MonologueSummary: John Belushi forces Richard Dreyfuss to prove he’s a worthy actor by performing “Hamlet” for the audience.

Bio: During the 1970’s, Richard Dreyfuss (1947-) starred in three big-screen blockbusters in a row: “Jaws”, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, and “The Goodbye Girl.” The latter yielded him the Academy Award for Best Actor in 1978, for which, at the time, he was the youngest recipient in the category.


Cone Encounters of the Third KindSummary: Linesman Roy Neary (Richard Dreyfuss) continues to drive himself crazy with the vision of a strange, mountainous image. After much frustration, he sees a TV commercial for Beldar Conehead’s (Dan Aykroyd) driving school, and is immediately draw to the Conehead residence.

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead, Merkon, Kuldroth, Walter Cronkite.


Jimmy Buffett performs “Son of a Son of a Sailor”Bio: Involved briefly in smuggling before turning to music, Jimmy Buffett (1946-) describes his songs as “90 percent autobiographical.” Nautical themes in many of his songs can be attributed to his father, who worked as a naval architect and often took young Jimmy along on sailing trips.

Note: Jimmy Buffett performs with his leg in a cast, due to an accident he had prior to appearing on SNL.

Sex TestSummary: Richard Dreyfuss tests viewers’ knowledge of sex-related subjects whiel yielding the floor to experts in the field.


Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Jane Curtin vows not to let events get the better of her during tonight’s newscast. After reviewing clips from “The Goodbye Girl”, stargazer Bill Murray still doesn’t think Richard Dreyfuss should have won Best Actor. Roseanne Roseannadanna’s (Gilda Radner) UFO commentary quickly sidetracks into a tale of a talking rear end; Jane Curtin finally loses her cool.

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.


Nick “Springs”Summary: Nick “Springs” (Bill Murray) entertains newlyweds at the room at the Pocomount Honeymoon Lounge.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer, Jimmy Joe Red Sky.


Pet PeevesSummary: Couple (Laraine Newman, Richard Dreyfuss) unload their pet peeves about one another as a prelude to a romantic evening together.


The David Susskind ShowSummary: To celebrate Mother’s Day, David Susskind (Bill Murray) interviews male celebrities who still have strong attachments to their mothers.

Recurring Characters: Henry Kissinger, Tom Snyder, Emma Lou Snyder, Leon Spinks.

Gary Tigerman performs “White Oaxacan Moon”

Father Guido SarducciSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) discusses the Pope’s new encyclical, which explains the concept of life as a job and how people will have to pay for their sins out of their life’s salary once they enter Heaven.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.


Richard Dreyfuss performs “I Want To Be Seduced”Transcript


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Richard Dreyfuss: 05/13/78: Cone Encounters of the Third Kind

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Cone Encounters of the Third Kind

Roy Neary…..Richard Dreyfuss
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Merkon…..Garrett Morris
High Master…..John Belushi

[ open on Roy Neary in bathrobe, trying to create his mountainous structure with some difficulty as the news plays on a TV in the corner ]

TV Voice: ..near Devil’s Tower, Wyoming. The Army has evacuated 1,000..

Roy Neary: [ throwing clay and dirt at his structure ] Not right! Not right! It’s NOT RIGHT!! [ picks up a large cone-shaped piece of clay, and fixes it on top of the mountain structure ] That’s it! Yeah! That’s it, I.. I know what this is!

[ SUPER: “Cone Encounters of the Third Kind” ] [ phone rings ]

Roy Neary: [ his wife on the other line ] Hello? Where are you?! At your sisters?! When are you coming home? No.. I’m not crazy! Honey, honey, listen: I know I saw something the other night! Nahhh.. I just want to know what’s going on! Is there anything wrong with that? Look, hey, Ronnie.. everyone has bad days, you know? Ronnie, will you let me finish! I’m not nuts!

[ the new on TV fades out to a commercial of Beldar Conehead for his driving school; Roy takes quick interest in Beldar’s head ]

Roy Neary: I’ll call you back!

[ “National Driving School” jingle sounds like the five notes from “Close Encounters” ] [ dissolve to Conehead living room, where the family watches Beldar’s commercial with joy ]

Connie Conehead: Oh, Daddy! Daddy, you were very good!

Prymaat Conehead: Beldar! Your commercial message has appeared on the ion bombardment tube!

Connie Conehead: It was far out!

Prymaat Conehead: Your cone appears larger on the ion tube.

Beldar Conehead: It does not matter! Nothing matters! I have received a vital communication from Remulak! The High Master is coming to Earth! He wishes to inspect the star cruiser refueling station which we were sent to install on this miserable planet!

Pryaat & Connie: Ohhh, noooo!!

Beldar Conehead: Yes! The impulses from the monotron crystal indicate that his star cruiser has already entered the Earth’s traposphere.

Prymaat Conehead: Beldar, the High Master expects to see a fully operational protoid refueling station! We have done nothing to accomplish this mission!

Beldar Conehead: I know.. I know..

Prymaat Conehead: We have not yet even seized the planet! You said the High Master would not visit us for at least 300 years!

Beldar Conehead: How was I to know that Afkhan would succeed with the insurgence of the muldred nebula!

Connie Conehead: Oh, boy.. leave me out of this, parental units. You already blew it.

Beldar Conehead: Young one, your cone is also on the block.

Prymaat Conehead: Beldar! It was you who lost the speech!

Beldar Conehead: It was you who plunged our star cruiser into Lake Michigan! Mip!

Prymaat Conehead: Mip!

Beldar Conehead: Mip!

[ doorbell rings; they panic ] [ Beldar answers door to Roy Neary, still in bathrobe ]

Beldar Conehead: A human. Greetings. Go away!

Roy Neary: [ excited ] You’re the guy! You’re the guy on the TV commercial!

Beldar Conehead: No! no droving lessons today! Go away!

Roy Neary: No! No! I really want to talk to you! There’s something about you! I don’t know exactly what it is, but I just know it’s important, and I have to come here!

Connie Conehead: Look, man, you’d better split! Something really heavy is coming down here!

Roy Neary: I know! That’s why I’m here! Tell me what’s gonna happen! Listen, why do I feel as if I know you..? Who are you people?!

Prymaat Conehead: [ hesitant ] We are Coneheads.. from Remulak.

Roy Neary: Remulak? Where is Remulak?

[ rumbling noise is heard from outside ]

Prymaat Conehead: In France! We come from France!

Roy Neary: France? What part of France?

Beldar Conehead: It is too late for the human to leave. The High Master has arrived!

[ High Master’s star cruiser hovers over house, like the mother Ship hovers over Devil’s Tower ] [ Merkon enters Conehead residence ]

Merkon: I am Merkon from Remulak. All hail Kuldroth the High Master.

[ High Master enters, as Coneheads chant their greeting ]

High Master: Greetings, Beldar.. Prymaat. Mmm.. your young one is growing into a beautiful krotmar.

Connie Conehead: But I don’t want to be a krotmar!

Roy Neary: Wait a minute!! Wait a minute!! I know what it is, now.. it’s your heads! It’s the weird shape of your heads! And those bright lights outside – you’re not from France! You’re not even from Europe!

High Master: This human. Is he the leader of the united nation, who’s here to convey my message to the people of Earth?!

Beldar Conehead: No.

High Master: Beldar.. is this the protoid station? Show me the neevgun marshes for stocking the star cruisers! Where are the fuel ports for the protoid caps?!

Prymaat Conehead: We.. we deemed it wise not to complete all of the refueling structures until we were sure that the human we selected to be the Supreme Refueling Attendant, uh.. to have been correctly trained.

High Master: Hmm.. Supreme Attendant?

Beldar Conehead: Uh, yes.. the Supreme Refueling Attendant for Protoid Station Earth.

High Master: Hmm..

Roy Neary: You mean me? You have chosen me to be the.. Supreme Attendant! I knew it was important! I understand now! You people are from another planet!

High Master: Mmm.. yes indeed, Beldar. Beldar, this human will make a good attendant. We will take him. Ah, we will train him and send him back in fifty years. Continue your mission! Merkon, bring the human.

Roy Neary: I just want to know that this is really happening!

Merkon: Attention Human: it’s really happening! There are three types of protoid fuel: Super, Regular, and Novalite.

Roy Neary: [ in alien voice ] Yes! I understand! I will journey with you to your planet – Remulak!

Beldar Conehead: [ to Roy ] I envy you!

[ Roy follows Merkon and the High Master out the door, as the Coneheads snicker behind his back ] [ dissolve to High Master’s star cruiser hovering back into space ] [ as the top star cruiser is revealed to be a prop being pulled by prop men, SUPER rises: “coming up next… Can TV Reproduce Itself?” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Richard Dreyfuss: 05/13/78: Richard Dreyfuss performs “I Want To Be Seduced”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Richard Dreyfuss performs “I Want To Be Seduced”

…..Richard Dreyfuss
…..Paul Shaffer

[ open on close-up of Richard Dreyfuss ]

Richard Dreyfuss: I just want to say — I have never sung before in public. This is a song by Gary Tigerman — every word of it… is true.

[ singing ]

“I wanna beeee… seduced.
I want a woman to take me out to dinner for two.
I’d like to see her eyes get moony
Flirtin’ with the thought of what a little flirtin’ oughhta do.

I got to be real coooool.
Let her think about gettin’ little me in bed.
As I chat about African genesis, psychokinesis, or something Stanislavsky said.

I might demure politely
Or falter slightly
If she tried to fondle my knee
But I’m relatively certain I’d come across if I know me.

I want to be seduced
I want a woman to talk to me suggestively
I Want to know that she’d like me to be with her tomorrow morning
Drinkin’ hot jasmine tea.

I want her to make me laugh
Make a point about touching me when she talks
Leaving all the jealous men in the joint to mumble in their beer and gawk.

I know it only happens when I’m napping
Nodding in a reverie
That I find myself a woman who’ll get behind seducing
Starting from the moment, say, that we’d been introduced
I’d like to find a woman who could get behind seducing… meeeeee.”

[ as Paul Shaffer plays the interlude, Dreyfuss leans back on the piano and raises his leg in the air ]

Richard Dreyfuss: [ singing ]“I know it only happens when I’m napping
Nodding in a reverie
That I find myself a woman who could get behind seducing
Starting from the moment, say, that we’d been introduced
I’d like to find a woman who could get behind seducing… meeeeeeeee.

[ the audience erupts into applause ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Richard Dreyfuss: 05/13/78: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman


…..Richard Dreyfuss

Richard Dreyfuss: [ still atop the piano ] Thank you very much for coming, I hope you enjoyed the show! Go see “The Big Fix” in October! And —

[ Dreyfuss notices the Land Shark rising at his side, as the “Jaws” theme plays ]

Richard Dreyfuss: Agggghhhhh!!!!

[ the Land Shark gobbles Dreyfuss up, then falls back to the ground at the foot of the piano ] [ the cast, Gary Tigerman, and crutchbound Jimmy Buffett and Father Guido Sarducci surround the piano ] [ Dan Aykroyd comes to the front of the piano to show off his “Don’t Buy Books By Crooks” Nixon t-shirt ] [ Dreyfuss re-appears from behind the piano, then saunters around front to demonstrate his bravada as the Land Shark raises his head from behind the piano ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Richard Dreyfuss: 05/13/78: Father Guido Sarducci

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Father Guido Sarducci

…..Richard Dreyfuss
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Richard Dreyfuss: All the way from Rome — the rock critic and gossip columnist for L’observateur Romano, the Vatican newspaper, and my spiritual advisor — Father Guido Sarducci!

[ camera zooms over to Father Guido Sarducci standing on crutches ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you! Thank you! Hey, it’s-a wonderful to be back in-a America. I tell you, it’s-a not so wonderful to be-a on-a these-a crutches! You know? But… that’s-a the way-a it goes. I got into this-a big motorcycle accident — in Rome. I just-a passed up a couple trucks, you know? And I-a just went down to-a straighten out my St. Christopher Medal… and-a from NOWHERE, you know, there’s-a this like-a… [ he claps his hands together ] I got hit by a nun on a Vespa. That’s right. I’m telling you. I was-a in the hospital, you know, and it’s just been one thing after another, you know? But — thank you, God — I’m feeling better now, you know, and everything’s-a pretty good.

While I was-a busy in the hospital, I was-a translating some-a new encyclical… that the pope’s coming out with in a couple of months. And I’m-a telling you, it’s gonna shake up a LOT of people. That-a Pope, you know, he’s-a really got GUTS! [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ] You know… most of the time, we don’t like-a to tell people new stuff, you know, because they can’t-a change, you know? Like, we’ve known for years and years about Jesus’ younger brother. He had a younger brother. Billy… was-a his name. Billy Christ. Actually, it’s his-a stepbrother. Stepbrother, you know? And-a we got the PROOF, too. We got-a this-a PROOF. Because we got a lot of paintings, you know? And-a it shows Jesus walking on-a the water — and-a next to him, you can see like there’s a leaf in the water. You think it’s a leaf, but if you look-a real close… you can=a see like it’s the top of a snorkel. It was-a Billy down there, and, you know, and-a his-a brother was, you know, stepping on him. You know. On-a his-a shoulders, you had the snorkel, you know, and… I mean, I don’t mean to make fun — I mean-a, Jesus, you know, he was-a the greatest man who ever lived. But, I mean… he couldn’t-a walk on water, you know? Coem on! Grow up! [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ]

Anyway — the Pope’s-a doing an encyclical. It’s called the “Vita est Lavorum.” In English, that means: “Life, It’s A Job.” And that’s-a what-a we found out — life is hard, you think it’s difficult sometimes? That’s-a because it’s a JOB! We’re all-a getting paid $14.50 a day. It don’t sound like much. I mean, $14.50 a day, but, you know, over a period of, like, 60-70-80 years… it’s-a nothing to sneeze your nose at. And-a, what happens to you when-a you die… you know, it’s like-a the soul leaves the body, it’s like a little bubbling 7-Up. You know? It just-a- goes-a shooting up, and-a you see yourself going down this-a long tunnel — but you’re not afraid. And then, when you get to the end, you see your whole life go by you. You know? From when you was a little-a baby… ’til the day you die. And then… they pay you. God and his-a helpers. You know, they bring-a in all of this money, and then… God goes over all-a of-a your sins. And ou get FINED. You know, it’s like, uh… like, maybe like stealing a car’s like $400. Murder is… maybe, you know, the worst — it’s like $50,000. And masturbation… eh, maybe, you know, like twenty-five, thirty-five cents. You know. That’s-a cheap sin. You know, but-a for a lot of people, you know, it can amount up. It-a just-a shows, you know — there is-a NO free lunch.

Anyway — you got-a all of your sins, you know? And if you have enough money to pay for your sins, you can-a go to Heaven. But — if you don’t have enough money, you gotta go back again, you know? And, like, be born again, and, like going back-a to work, you know? And-a, you know, it’s-a real-a tough. But… [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ] some guys, like mafiosa types, you know, they might have to spend-a four, five lifetimes as nuns… just making up for it, you know? Most nuns are former mafiosas. I don’t know if you know that. That’s the truth.

Anyway — it was-a MORE than wonderful spending a couple of moments in here-a with you. Arriverderci, America!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Richard Dreyfuss: 05/13/78: Richard Dreyfuss’ Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Richard Dreyfuss’ Monologue

…Richard Dreyfuss
…John Belushi

[Dissolve from opening credits to Richard Dreyfuss, dressed as Hamlet and holding an Academy Award.]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Dreyfuss!

[Richard walks down the stairs to home base as audience applauds.]

Richard Dreyfuss: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Feel really stupid. [Laughter] I feel like I’m gonna throw up. Ah, I suppose I should explain this. Um, see, I just wanted to come out here, you know, this part of the show to talk to you as myself. But, ah, a certain Not Ready For Prime Time Player said that people are gonna wanna see you act. After all, not every one of our hosts has won the Academy Award, which is true. And anyway, this certain Not Ready For Prime Time Player said that some people didn’t think I deserved the Oscar. Some people thought that Richard Burton deserved the Oscar, said Richard Burton was great in “Hamlet,” y’know, and, ah, said if you’re such a good actor, let’s see you do “Hamlet.” So I said “I don’t think I have to prove anything, you know, just because I won the Academy Award,” and he said “You mean you are supposedly the best actor in the world, [laughter] and you’re afraid to play Hamlet.” So I said “Hold it, hold it, hold it. I’m not the best actor in the world, but, uh, I’m not afraid to play anything, John!” [laughter] So clearly, I-I walked right into it here. And, ah, so, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I have to do this, uh. Hamlet’s soliloquy, Act 3, Scene 1, by William Shakespeare.

[The stage lights dim, with Richard remaining in a single spotlight.]

Richard Dreyfuss: To be, or not to be. That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them. [pauses]

John Belushi: [off-camera] To die, to sleep. [audience laughter]

Richard Dreyfuss: What? What did you say?

John Belushi: To die, to sleep.

Richard Dreyfuss: Why are-Why are you doing this?

John Belushi: [Stepping onto the stage] I was just giving you the line, Richard. I could see you were in trouble here.

Richard Dreyfuss: No, no, no. [Stage lights come back up] I was not in trouble.

John Belushi: Well, there was that long gap, there, you know. I figured you forgot your lines.

Richard Dreyfuss: No, it was not a gap, John. It was a dramatic pause, you know. It’s a way of communicating to the audience the meaning of the words and you ruined it, you blew the moment for me.

John Belushi: Well, hey, look. All I know is I saw a fellow actor in trouble, and I came out to help you, you know?

Richard Dreyfuss: Silence is not trouble, John. Silence is not trouble. Sometimes a moment filled with silence can say a lot more than a moment filled with words.

John Belushi: Okay, okay, you know. I know you don’t do TV. You know, I just thought you lost your place on the cue cards, that’s all.

Richard Dreyfuss: I don’t use cue cards, John, and when I’m doing Shakespeare, actors who do Shakespeare do not use cue cards, you know?

John Belushi: [sarcastically] Ooooo, Shakespeare! Well, What do I know, huh? I’m just a sleazy, late night TV actor, is that it?

Richard Dreyfuss: No, no, I didn’t mean that–

John Belushi: No, no, what do I know about Shakespeare, huh? Mr. Oscar, Mr. Best Actor. Now, Richard Burton, now there’s an actor. When he did Hamlet, when he did Hamlet he was great. He didn’t have to use any pauses. But it takes one drink, and Hollywood blackballs him! Huh, Mr. New Hollywood Establishment? You know? At least when George C. Scott won the Oscar, he didn’t accept it! You know? Marlon Brando sent up an Indian! Now, you could’ve sent up an Indian, but nooooo! You run up there, you “whoo-hoo-hoo, I could stay up here all night.” Maybe I’m just a struggling TV actor, right? Maybe I didn’t win the Oscar, you know? Maybe I have to work every week just to keep my family in clothes and drugs, you know? Maybe I don’t know that much about Shakespeare, you know, or about pausing or England. But I know one thing, [takes the Oscar from Richard] you didn’t deserve this Oscar. [John punches Richard in the stomach and walks offstage. Audience applauds. Stage lights dim again as Richard tries to restart his performance]

Richard Dreyfuss: To be, or… [pouting] I don’t wanna do this anymore. [Takes off Hamlet wig] We’ll be right back. [Walks out of the spotlight as audience applauds] [fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Richard Dreyfuss: 05/13/78: Nick Springs

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Nick Springs

Nick…Bill Murray
Paul…Paul Shaffer
Joan…Gilda Radner
Bill…John Belushi
Jeff Greenspoon…Richard Dreyfuss
Mrs. Liebowitz…Laraine Newman
Jimmy Joe Red Sky…Dan Aykroyd
People at Table…Anne Beatts, Mitchell Laurance, Rosie Shuster

[Open on close-up of a Univox SR-120 drum machine. Camera pans back to show Nick adjusting the dials before greeting the audience from onstage]

Nick: Welcome to the Honeymoon Room here at the Pocomont. I’m Nick Springs, and I’m here to entertain you.

[Paul begins playing “I Love To Love You, Baby” on the piano]

Nick: Ha-ha! [Gyrates and sings]“I… I love to love you, baby.
I… I love to love you baby [Turns up the tempo on the drum machine]I… I love to love you, baby
I… I love to love you, baby [Turns up the tempo some more]I… I love to love you, baby
Ah-ha… I love to love you, baby [Turns up the tempo even more]Ahh… I love to love you, baby
Ahh-Ahh… I love to love you, baby
Ah! Ah! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhhhhh! [Turns drum machine off]I love to love you — and only you forever and ever — babyyyy!”

[Crowd applauds as Nick lights a cigarette]

Nick: Thank you very much. Was it as good for you as it was for me? I hope so. How many people here in the Honeymoon Room tonight believe in the institution of marriage, can I hear from you? [Crowd applauds] Yeah, I had a feeling. How many people here from New Jersey? [Crowd applauds] Yeah, thought so, I thought so. Yeah, there’s a lotta love over there in Jersey, lotta love. [Walks over to a seated couple with calamine lotion on their faces] How about you two, where are you from?

Joan: Passaic. Uh, Mrs. Joan Shomer.

Nick: How long’ve you been married?

Joan: Two days.

Nick: Is this the lucky guy?

Bill: Yes. Ah, Bill Shomer, from Seacaucus, now Passaic.

Nick: What’s the pink stuff all over your face, kids?

Bill: Aw, it’s calamine lotion.

Joan: Well, the-the first thing we did when we got here was do a little private, ah, sunbathing, and there was poison ivy in the woods.

Nick: Ooo-hoo-hoo, well, I hate to say it, but I coulda told you so, Shomers. [Stands up] You two are gonna have an unusual honeymoon this week because… [sings]“You can look, but you better not touch
You’re gonna need an ocean of calamine lotion
Ah, you’ll be scratchin’ like a hound
The minute you start to mess around
With poison ivy, poison ivy.”

Well, it looks like this marriage seems to be working, huh? [Walks to another table] This marriage seems to be working, am I right?

People At Table: You bet. Overtime, man!

Nick: Ah-ha, good one! [Walks to a table with only a man seated] This marr–where is she? [Walks to a table with a man whispering into a woman’s ear. They both cover their faces when Nick introduces them] Uh-oh, here is Jeff Greenspoon. He’s a guy in the industry that I wanna tell you about, just a minute, but first he’s got a lovely young lady with him. Hey, nymph, what’s your name?

Mrs. Liebowitz: [mumbles] Mrs. Liebowitz.

Nick: I’m sorry, what’s that?

Mrs. Liebowitz: [mumbles] Mrs. Liebowitz.

Nick: I’m sorry, I can’t hear. Please. Thank you.

Mrs. Liebowitz: Mrs. … Liebowitz.

Nick: Oh! Oh! Are you the wife of the man who injured himself when he slipped in one of our heart-shaped bathtubs up here?

Mrs. Liebowitz: That’s right. He’s lying down in our room now.

Nick: Well that is too bad. Could we send a complimentary bottle of Andre champagne over to their room on Nick Springs. And–How about that?

Mrs. Liebowitz: Thank you.

Nick: And now this crazy nut, Jeff Greenspoon, [Jeff covers his eyes with his hand] this is a guy who believed in me when no one did, and the guy who booked me in here at the Pocomont. C’mon, give him a hand! Stand up, would ya Jeff?

[Jeff stands halfway up with his head down, then quickly sits again]

Nick: How do ya feel, Jeff?

Jeff Greenspoon: Ah, wonderful, Nick. I couldn’t-a done it without you. Just keep on doin’ what you’re doin’. Keep your collar open, move around a lot, use the microphone.

Nick: Well, right you are. You know, Jeff, Jeff is a Jew. But he’s always been more than fair with me, and I love that about him. Any requests, Mrs. Liebowitz?

Mrs. Liebowitz: [frustrated] No!

Nick: All right. Jeff and Mrs. Liebowitz, this one is for you. [sings]“Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah, hey v’nismicha
Hava nah-in-din-din, Hava nah-in-din-din
Hava ah-lah, hey v’nismicha
Uru achim, b’lev somayach, Uru achim, b’lev somayach
Uru achim, b’lev somayach, Uru achim, b’lev somayach
Uru achim…”

ay-ya! [Turns on the drum machine, imitates the beats and bobs his head as he turns up the tempo] The Univox SR-120, ladies and gentlemen!

“Uru achim! Dun-dun da-da da-da daaaaaa!”

Thank you! Ah! I happen to know Hava Nagilah. Hey, I see the groundskeeper for the Pocomont, Jimmy Joe Red Sky! Come on up here, J.J.!

[Crowd applauds as Jimmy Joe Red Sky walks onstage carrying a dripping dead squirrel]

Nick: Tell the kids what they can do during the daytime here at Pocomont.

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Well, all the tennis courts are about ready and the driving range, and you can rent your clubs and balls for five bucks. And look at this! [Holds up the squirrel]

Nick: A squirrel!

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Yeah, I was cleaning out the pool and I found this little guy in the filter. But you can go swimmin’. I just put a lotta chlorine in the water, so don’t open your eyes underwater for a few days. I need a drink, Nick. [walks offstage and exits]

Nick: Ha, it’s on Nick Winter–Nick Springs. Just a second, keep your eyes closed? That was a good one, wasn’t it? Everybody heard that? Ha! Hey, my accompanist, Paul Shaffer. Come on, everyone in the room. [Crowd applauds as Paul partially stands up] Hey, did any–who was playin’ the music so loud this morning? Anybody? Did anybody hear some real loud music about six o’clock? Paul, did you?

Paul: Yes, I did.

Nick: Did it go something like [sings] “da-da-da, da-da” [Paul imitates the melody on the piano] Yeah. [Nick pauses, then turns to the crowd as Paul plays a downward crescendo on the piano] Dah! How many of you were fooled? Come on, hands! [Everyone raises their hands] I got everybody, ha-ha! [sings]“A first encounter, you
Next encounter, me
The third encounter’s love
The Close Encounters, theeeeme
Close Encounters theme.”

Thank you! Good night, everybody! Go to your rooms!

[dissolve to wide studio shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Justifiable Pesticide”] [Applause and fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts