SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/20/78: The Olympia Cafe



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20









77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

The Olympia Cafe

Written by: Don Novello

Sandy … Laraine Newman
George … Dan Aykroyd
Nico … Bill Murray
Pete Dionasopolis … John Belushi
Female Customer … Gilda Radner
Male Customer … Garrett Morris
Fussy Eater … Jane Curtin
Al … Buck Henry
Extra … Tom Schiller

[Burger patties sizzle on a grill. George, the cook,flips them with his spatula. We hear the sound ofplates clattering. Pull back to reveal The OlympiaRestaurant, a busy diner run by a Greek family. Sandy,the waitress, leans over the counter.]

Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Three chip!Three Pepsi!

Nico: Three chip! Three Pepsi!

[The blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete Dionasopolis,approaches one of his regular customers who sits atthe counter.]

Pete: Okay, what are you gonna have, honey?

Female Customer: I think I’ll have the usual, Pete.

Pete: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

Pete: [yells to Nico] Chip!

Nico: Chip!

Pete: Pepsi!

Nico: Pepsi!

[Seated next to the female customer is a man reading anewspaper. He holds up his coffee cup.]

Male Customer: [to Pete] Hey, can I have a refill onthis coffee?

Pete: No.

Male Customer: Hey, man, I can’t have a refill ofcoffee, man?

Pete: Too late!

Female Customer: [helpfully, to the male customer] Uh,you should have asked for the refill while you werestill eating the cheeseburger. They don’t give refillswhen you’re done eating.

Male Customer: [annoyed, to Pete] Okay, I’ll pay forthe second cup of coffee.

Pete: No, go. Come on, I gotta have turnover! Come on,let’s go!

Male Customer: [off his newspaper] Hey, man, I justwanna read the article–

Pete: [yells] You wanna read, you go to library! Youwanna read? Get out of here!

Male Customer: [pays check] Okay! Okay!

Pete: Beat it! Come on!

[Male customer exits in a huff and Pete rings up thesale on his cash register as Sandy, the waitress,approaches the counter.]

Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Two chip! TwoPepsi!

Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Pete: [to a fussy eater seated at the counter] Okay,what are you gonna have?

Fussy Eater: Um, I’ll have a fried egg sandwich.

Pete: Uh, no egg. Cheeseburger.

Fussy Eater: How do you cook your cheeseburgers?

Pete: Good.

Fussy Eater: No, I mean, in what manner are theycooked?

Pete: They are cooked good. What do you mean?

Sandy: [interrupts] Uh, Pete. That lamb in thebasement is loose again.

Pete: [annoyed] Aaahhhhh!

[Pete abruptly walks off, grabs a large hatchet offthe wall and, waving it ominously, exits the scenewith Sandy. Nico, the counterman who barelyunderstands a word of English, brings a Pepsi to anextra seated at the counter.]

Fussy Eater: [to Nico] Excuse me, do you just haveburgers here? [Nico doesn’t understand what she’ssaying but nods and smiles anyhow] Well, do you thinkI could get one broiled? [Nico keeps nodding andsmiling] I could? Aw, good. ‘Cause I just read anarticle that said that meat cooked on a grill causescancer. Did you read that?

Nico: Cheeseburger?

Fussy Eater: Yeah, cheeseburgers, too. It’s cookingthe meat too close to the flame that causes it.

Pete: [returns without the hatchet and shoos Nicoaway] Ah, come on, come on, let’s go, get out of here.[to fussy eater] What you gonna have?

Fussy Eater: Uh, I’ll have a broiled hamburger.

Pete: No hamburger. Cheeseburger.

Fussy Eater: Could I get it broiled?

Pete: [humors her] You want it broiled? Okay. Sure, wegive you broiled. All right?

Fussy Eater: Okay, I’ll have a broiled hamburger, well done.

Pete: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

[Al, a bespectacled man in a green uniform, enters thediner and sits at counter. Pete joins him.]

Al: Hello? Hey! How are ya? I’m Al fromRent-a-Doberman.

Pete: What?

Al: [distinctly] I’m from Lease-a-Doberman.

Pete: Ah! Eh?

Al: The guard dog company. Somebody here called, saidthey wanted to, uh, rent a guard dog.

Pete: How much?

Al: Well, it’s like I tried to tell ya on the phone,it depends on the type of dog you want, how many hoursper night you want him for. [looks around] I shouldthink a place like this, uh, would need only one dog.What time do you, uh – What time do you close?

Pete: Eleven o’clock.

Al: What time do you open?

Pete: Five.

Al: Hm. Well, we could drop a dog off at eleven, pickhim up at a quarter to five. But just remember, nobodycan come in here between those hours without gettinghis arm bit off.

Pete: All right. How much?

Al: Just a minute, I’ll figure it out. [takes pencilfrom behind ear and starts jotting numbers on a pad]

Pete: All right.

Female Customer: [concerned] Hey, uh, Pete, doesn’t,uh, Nico here sleep in the back? [points to Nico whohears his name mentioned and wonders what’s going on]

Al: [interrupts] Uh oh oh oh, wait a minute, wait aminute. Nobody’s gonna be able to sleep around nohungry Dobie. [laughs] We don’t feed ’em much, keeps’em perky. [goes back to figuring on his pad]

Pete: [considers this] All right. [explains to thefemale customer] Somebody broke in next door. I needprotection, you know?

Sandy: [also concerned] But, Pete, what about Nico?

Pete: Who’s afraid of him? I need protection. Dogs.

Sandy: [offended] You mean when the dog comes, you’regoing to fire Nico?

Pete: No. [decisively] Now!

Sandy: [disbelief] Oh! Who’s going to tell him he’s fired?

Pete: You. You tell him.

Sandy: No, not me. [raises a hand in protest and walks off]

Pete: [approaches his cook] Hey, George. Why don’t youtell him he’s fired?

George: No, no. Not me, Pete. Not me, Pete. [turnsback to the grill]

Pete: All right, all right. I’ll tell him. [to aconfused Nico] You fired! Goodbye! [tears the apronoff Nico and pushes him to the front door of thediner] Goodbye! Goodbye. [opens door and pushes Nicoout] You fired. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye.

[Pete shuts the door on Nico, then turns to Al who hasignored all this. Al quietly chews gum and makes noteson his pad. In the background, Nico’s forlorn faceappears outside the diner window watching Pete and Al talk:]

Pete: Hm?

Al: Huh?

Pete: How much?

Al: Fifty-five dollars a week.

Pete: Twenty.

Al: No, no. Fifty-five is the lowest I can charge you.We’d be making a special pick-up at that time of themorning. I–

Pete: [gestures to Nico and opens the door for him tocome back in] Come on.

[Confused, Nico enters the diner and Pete gives himback his apron.]

Al: Well, maybe there IS something I can do.

Pete: [abruptly takes the apron back from Nico andpushes him out the door again] All right, go. Out!

[Nico, thoroughly confused, exits willingly andresumes his place outside the diner window, peering inforlornly, as Pete listens to Al’s proposal.]

Al: Now, I got a couple of nine-month-old GermanShepherds I’m having some problems with. I’ll put themboth in here. I’ll only charge you forty-five dollars.

Pete: Twenty.

Al: [irritated] There’s no way I can put two dogs inhere for twenty dollars a week. It costs me that muchjust to feed ’em.

Pete: Uhhhh… Twenty-two.

Al: [exasperated] All right, look. I’m sorry.Forty-five is the absolute minimum price. If youchange your mind, here’s my card. [hands Pete abusiness card and exits the diner]

Pete: [with a jerk of his head, calls out] Nico! [Nicoenters hesitantly, unsure of Pete’s intentions] Comeon. Come on! [throws apron to Nico, both men return totheir places behind the counter] All right. [to femalecustomer who nods] Everything all right? [to fussyeater] Huh? You got it?

[Just then, George places a cheeseburger in front of fussy eater.]

Fussy Eater: [indignant, to Pete] Hey, wait. Thischeeseburger wasn’t broiled. I just saw him take itoff the grill.

Pete: [to fussy eater, trying to change the subject]What to drink?

Fussy Eater: [insistent] I ordered a broiledhamburger. This is not a broiled hamburger.

Pete: Okay, okay, what do you want to drink? Come on,come on, come on.

Fussy Eater: I’m afraid if I order a Coke, I’ll get a Pepsi.

Pete: No Coke. Pepsi.

Fussy Eater: [upset] Okay! Pepsi!

Pete: [yells to Nico] Pepsi! [But Nico isn’t payingattention] Pepsiiiiii! [still no response, Pete grabsa menu from the counter and starts whacking Nico withit] Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi!

Nico: [wearily] Pepsi…

Sandy: [yells to George] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico] Three chip! Three Pepsi!

[Applause. Zoom in on the grill as George throws downa series of burger patties.]

[pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Double Entendre New Testament”]

[fade]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/20/78: Stunt Puppy




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20









77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Stunt Puppy

Director (“Bri”)…..Bill Murray
Tommy…..Tom Schiller
Cheryl…..Gilda Radner
Gwen…..Jane Curtin
Howard…..Buck Henry
Roy…..Garrett Morris

[ open on a film set, decorated like a suburban living room. Tommy stands off to one side as the Director enters ]

Director: Tommy? Get me out of here in a hurry, okay? I want to get out to the track! [ to Cheryl ] Okay! Cheryl! Sweetheart! Let’s have you here! [ Cheryl steps up ] Okay, Kitten — in this scene, you’re the spoiled little girl, okay? Every time you get a new toy, you either break it or throw it away — or get bored with it right away, okay?

Cheryl: Okay!

Director: Okay. And you’re the same way with your little puppy, alright? You wanted it, you promised to take care of it, but then it was too much work, okay?

Cheryl: How old am I supposed to be?

Director: Uh, ten years old, okay?

Cheryl: I’m TWELVE?

Director: Okay… [ he squooshes her face ] but do you think you could play a spoiled little ten year old?!

Cheryl: [ muffled ] I think so…!

Director: Good! Isn’t she a little pill, everybody? Great! [ he releases her face ] Okay! Now, Gwen, please, may I have you? [ Gwen steps up ] In this scene, you’re the permissive mother, okay? You let your daughter get away with EVERYTHING, alright?

Gwen: Oh! Sounds like my own home! [ she laughs ]

Director: [ mock-laughing ] Terrific, honey. Howard, where are you?

Howard: Yes, yes, yes! [ he runs up ]

Director: Come here you, my psychotic father of this scene! Alright! Okay. You’re psychotic…

Howard: Yes, yes!

Director: You hate your wife…

Howard: Uh-huh!

Director: The only reason the marriage is still together is because of the little one.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: And you hate her.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: Because she’s spoiled.

Howard: Mmm-hmm.

Director: So who do you take it out on? The defenseless little puppy.

Howard: Gotcha, right!

Director: I knew you would! [ he rubs Howard’s head ] Come on! Right! Okay, let’s bring in…?

Roy: [ carrying puppy ] Roy.

Director: Roy! Alright, good to meet ya’, fellow! [ he rubs Roy’s head ] Okay, terrific! How is Sparky today? [ to Sparky ] Hey, fella! [ he composes himself ] Now, Roy… in this scene, I want Sparky to play the helpless, unloved puppy. No one’s taking care of him, no one’s training him…

Roy: Ah!

Director: He’s confused, he’s nervous. So… he takes a doo doo on the rug. Can Sparky do that?

Roy: He sure can! Now, you heard the man, Sparky! When I do this… [ he holds up two fingers ] You make doo doo on the rug, okay?

Director: Ahhh, thatta boy! Thanks, Roy, you’re amazing! OKay, places, everybody, please! Tommy, come in here and do me a favor! [ Tommy enters with clapper ] Will you roll ’em for me? [ he steps aside ] Slate it, Tommy!

Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 3, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]

Director: Alright, settle in! [ the domestic scene focuses ] And… ACTION!

[ the little girl plays with the puppy on the floor, as her parents sit behind her on the sofa ]

Howard: Marilyn? I thought I told you NOT to bring the dog into the living room?!

Cheryl: Ohhh, please?

Howard: No! I don’t want it on the new carpet! Now, take it out!

Cheryl: NO!!

Gwen: Ohhhh, let her keep it in here, it’ll be okay.

[ offstage, Roy holds up two fingers, as Sparky whines and takes a doo doo ]

Cheryl: Uh-oh! Dad! Look what the dog did!

Howard: [ irked ] Okay, Marilyn! YOU clean it up!

Cheryl: I don’t wanna!

Howard: Now, listen! You PROMISED me that you would take care of that stupid dog! Now you CLEAN IT UP!!

Gwen: She’s only ten years old! You CAN’T expect her to clean it up!

Howard: Alright, then — YOU clean it up! The dog was YOUR idea!

Gwen: I can’t! I vomit!

Howard: [ he throws his newspaper down ] Okay, I suppose I’LL have to clean up after it again! THIS IS IT!! I’m getting RID of this damn dog!!

Cheryl: Well, I don’t care!! ‘Cause I don’t WANT it any more, anyway! [ she storms out of the room ]

Gwen: Now you’ve upset her! Marilyn, honey![ she runs after her daughter ]

Howard: [ picking up the dog ] This is just unbelievable! I don’t know WHAT to do! [ the dog doo doos in his hands ] What?! You stupid MUTT! You’re doing it again! No! No! I said stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!! [ he raises the dog over his head and freezes ]

Director: CUUUUUTTT!!

[ Roy rushes forward and retrieves the puppy from Howard’s hands ]

Director: Okay, bring in the stunt puppy!

[ Roy rushes the puppy to safety ]

Director: Okay, that was very sweet. Very tasty, Howard.

Howard: Good!

Director: Thank you. Appreciate it. [ as Roy returns with the stunt puppy ] What have we got here? Perfect match! Must be from the same littler.

Roy: Yeah! This, uh — this is, uh, Tippy!

Director: [ to Tippy ] Heyyyy, Tippy! Mr. Tough Guy, huh? How are ya’! [ he grabs the dog’s paw ] Okay, Tipster… Brian, here, is gonna throw you around a little bit. And, when he does, I want you to squeal. Can we hear a squeal?

Roy: Oh, sure!

[ sound effect of a dog squealing over close-up of the puppy ]

Director: Beautiful! Tippy, how are your ears? Are they strong?

Roy: Oh, sure! He’s got strong ears, strong tail — you can do ANYTHING to him!

[ no one is more excited to hear this than Howard ]

Director: Great! Terrific! Okay, places, everybody! Tommy! I’m gonna FINE you a hundred dollars — and everyone on my set — for not noticing my new haircut! [ he gives Tommy a noogie and laughs ] Now, get outta here, all of you! Okay! Would you please do mr a favor, and slate it for me, Tommy?

Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 4, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]

[ scene resumes with Howard kneeling next to the puppy at the couch ]

Director: Start whimpering, Tippy! [ the puppy begins to whimper ] And ACTION!!

Howard: CUT IT OUT, CUT IT OUT!! [ he grabs the puppy’s leash and yanks him in a circle around the living room ] I said STOP IT!! [ he kicks the puppy across the room and lets it ricchochet back from the leash ] I said STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!! [ he begins to throw the puppy at the furniture, never letting go of the leash ] STOP IT!! [ with one final twirl of the leash, he throws the puppy hrough the front window, shattering the glass ]

Director: Cuuuutt! Cuuuut! Beautiful, Howard! Beautiful!

Howard: Thanks, everybody! Thank you!

Director: [ toward the window ] Heyyyyy! How’s Tippy back there? Can we get somebody to go check on Tippy?

[ Roy passes behind the set and holds the puppy up ]

Roy: He’s alright!

Director: Ahhhh, that’s a pal, huh? Come here, big guy! [ he scoops the puppy into his arms ] Oh, that was terrific, fella! Hey — I want to work with you again! That’s a promise! That’s a wrap, everybody! Let’s get some sleep. Eight o’clock tomorrow, for the cockfight.

Howard: Brian! Terrific!

[ they shake hands, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts