Pedro…John Belushi Woman…Gilda Radner Announcer…Dan Aykroyd …Buddy Williams …Bill Murray
[Open on Pedro and a woman harvesting marijuana in a field. A plane is heard flying overhead as it dumps a white powder onto the crops]
Woman: Pedro! Pedro, this must be a sign from Our Lady of Guadalupe. It hasn’t snowed in Sonora for 192 years. It’s a MIRACLE!
Pedro: It’s not a miracle! It’s Paraquat!
Woman: Pedro, is this a sign that we will have an early harvest?
Pedro: Darn right we’re gonna have an early harvest, like tonight! We gonna cut and bathe this stuff right away, we can still sell it to the Gringos.
Woman: But Pedro, doesn’t it cause irreversible lung damage?
Pedro: Have you been reading newspapers again, huh? [Slaps woman] Wha’d you been doing, huh? [Slaps her two more times] Come on, work, work! It’s harvest time! HARVEST TIME!
Announcer: Yes, Paraquat does affect the quality of marijuana, but it does not affect the importation and traffic. One afternoon from this secluded valley in Sonora province, Mexico [Dissolve to North American map with a mule placed over Sonora] one-hundred tons of Paraquat-treated marijuana was transported by mule [mule moves to a plane just south of Texas] to a point 30 miles south of the United States border at York, Texas. Here, 50 tons was transferred to six converted Lockheed Hudson C-40 transport planes with flight plans for the American Midwest. [Plane on map moves north to Kansas, where a semi truck is positioned] Six hours later, the six cannabis-carrying transport planes touched down safely in the wheat field of a high-volume dealer near Pitkin, Kansas, where most of the payload was seized by federal and state law enforcement officials acting on an elderly neighbor’s tip. [Plane falls off map] But before the lawmen could surround the area, ten tons were concealed in a refrigerated tractor-trailer unit hauling a load of fresh zucchini [semi drives east to a van positioned in Kentucky] Agricultural officials stopped the tractor trailer at Bowling Green, Kentucky and, while making a random inspection, they discovered the marijuana in the zucchini. Of the ten tons on that truck, nine were seized by drug enforcement agency representatives [semi falls off map] who accepted a large bribe to let the only remaining ton leave the state safely in a customized van [van drives southeast to a saxophone player in Georgia]. This shipment was delivered to a professional cannabis broker in Macon, Georgia. This broker subsequently sold two pounds to a black musician, who returned to New York City. [Sax player moves northeast to New York] The musician took some paraquat-treated joints to work one night, and passed one of them to a young actor.
[Dissolve to Bill Murray accepting a joint from SNL bass player Buddy Williams]
Bill Murray: Are you sure this stuff is okay?
Buddy Williams: Oh yes, man. I swear it’s Colombian.
[Bill takes a few puffs, gags and coughs]
Bill Murray: [in a raspy voice] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ open on dark apartment, as couple enters and turns on the lights ]
Judi: I STILL don’t understand why you didn’t like the SALAD!
Richard: I told you, because I hate pimentos! [ he picks up the TV Guide ]
Richard: So I hate pimentos! You know? Because you don’t know what they are! I mean, what are pimentos? They’re red things you put in olives and salads, but what are they? Actual things, you know? Do they grow on farms? Are there pimento farms? What?!
Judi: I don’t think it’s necessary to know if there are pimento farms in order to eat salads that contain pimentos!
Richard: You know, I’ve never known you to interrogate me about a garnish before.
Judi: Well, it’s not just the garnish, okay? It’s other things… it’s bigger things.
Richard: [ reading the TV Guide ] Let’s see… Thursday at 10:30, what have we got?
Judi: [ she sighs ] Okay! Avoiding the subject! Building up a nice uncomfortable SILENCE, that’ll be FUN!
Richard: Do you think anything good is on?
Judi: Is that your favorite sentence — “Is anything good on?”
Richard: NO! My favorite sentence is “Hello, hurt me!”
Judi: Oh, well, I guess this is going to be the part of the evening where we watch TV and… you mouth the lines with them on “The Honeymooners”.
Richard: [ reading ] “Felix and Oscar get invited to a bowling tournament.” I saw that this afternoon! That was on this afternoon! I hate that! I hate when they put on in the afternoon what they’re gonna put on in the evening!
Judi: You hate it, but you’ll watch it.
Richard: True. True. I’m into a LOT of things I hate!
[ he turns the TV on and sits to watch “The Odd Couple”, as she sits down and endures it for as long as she can ]
Judi: [ she turns the TV off ] Whhhhyyyyy are we watching this show?!
Richard: Because it’s GOOD!
Judi: I HATE that expression, “Because it’s GOOD!” That’s what people say to describe mediocre Chinese restaurants and movies they don’t understand!
Richard: What’s the matter with good?
Judi: It’s such a NOTHING concept! It’s like “nuts”, “good”, and “nice”, they all wave to each other from across the dictionary!
Richard: You know, that is EXACTLY the kind of thing you would say! That is EXACTLY the kind of… dot-your-I’s-with-little-circles outlook on life that you have, you know?
Judi: [ taking offense ] I don’t dot my eyes with little circles!
Richard: You spell your name with an I! “Judi” with an I! Which, in 1967, I will just BET was topped by an adorable little circle!
Judi: Um, no, it wasn’t.
Richard: Yeah. Or a heart! It was ADORABLE, you know?! You know when you get adorable? You know, like, uh, like when you put on my old flannel shirt — which you put on because you say it’s more comfortable, but really it’s because it’s BIG on you, and you think you look adorable in it! This is a true thing about you! There’s lots of latent adorableness! If you don’t watch out, one day you’re gonna put on my shirt, get a “Honk If You’re Horny” bumper sticker, and buy lots of, uh — uh — “Jottings From Judi” stationery!
Judi: [ throwing her arms in the air ] This is my FAVORITE conversation pf my LIFE!
Richard: You don’t mind, I’m just gonna mouth the words with Felix and Oscar, okay?
Judi: Oh, enjoy! [ a beat ] Pimento bigot!
Richard: Plus — you LOVE calling potato chips… “that poison”! You just LOVE calling potato chips and candy… “THAT POISON!!” These are foods which, for many years, you ATE DAILY!! But now, you love to call them “THAT POISON!!” I still enjoy these foods! I AM waiting for the day that I’ll have the penaut butter cup attack that’ll kill me! But until then, I’m sucking ’em down, sister! Sucking down the poison, which I would prefer you did not mention! You know? Basically, this makes me PUKE! Okay?
Judi: Thank you so very much.
Richard: I mean… I’m onto you. You know? Eating pimentos, putting down potato chips. You could really convince me that you’re one of those perfume ad Today girls, except that I know for a fact that you’re tow favorite movies are Fellini’s “Satyricon” and “Where The Boys Are”.
Judi: You know… when you lick a joint, you always hold your tongue so that it looks like you’re licking the paper in the most efficient possible way. I have actually seen you watch yourself doing this in nearby toasters or things that reflect — watched you… practice your time!
Judi: So! That is life! That is YOU in life! Afraid to eat pimentos! Practicing your tongue! YOU are Mr. Rigid! Never leaves the house without Kleenex. You know — I know you. I know that every time you write a name in your address book, you have to write it in the SAME felt-tip pen as all the other names in your address ook are written in! I’ve seen you skip over whole working Bic pens, looking for a black felt-tip one!
Richard: Look! I am not Mr. Rigid! I may not be king of the gypsies, but I’m not Mr. Rigid! I like to think of myself as Mr. Good Sense! They know me at the cleaners… I like getting those coupons at the supermarket that you have to scrape away the top to see if it says “You Win $1,000.” I like that! I enjoy it! I look forward to it! I like simple things! You know? I like Blue Shield and Blue Cross! This, to me, is pleasure. I am planted firmly on the Earth — and so are you. Which leads me to believe that, uh, I don’t know what this big hoo-hah is all about! I mean, obviously, something else is on your mind. What is it?
[ he waits ]
Judi: You open your mouth too far when you kiss. I mean, you know when we’re kissing and I sort of try to close my mouth a little? Well, that’s to indicate to you that your mouth is open too FAR for me! I mean, this is a SIGNAL! [ she smiles maliciously ] Should we go on?
Richard: [ he makes a frustrated face ] Okay. Ohhhh-kay! [ he whips off his jacket ] Foreplay! Alright? Foreplay! Okay! You know that thing when you kiss me in those little circles that get bigger and bigger all around my back? And then you start working your way into crucial areas very slowly, to add to the excitement? It’s boring! I never told you this, because I can tell you worked real hard on timing! You know? Not to go too fast, not too go too slow… and you got this real good build-up to ecstasy. So I haven’t said anything, you know? Not to hurt your feelings. But it’s BOR-ING!! It’s like sitting through Coming Attractions!
Judi: Last week, you tied me up!
Richard: You asked me to!
Judi: We agreed!
Richard: I know we agreed!
Judi: Then you left the room!!! You LEFT the room!!
Richard: [ meekly ] Well, I can’t go to sleep without brushing my teeth.
Judi: I WAS TIED UP!! Did I look like I was going to sleep?!!
Richard: Alright, HOW much longer is this going to take?!
Judi: This is it! Also, once, very recently… I wrapped my legs around your chest. And it ended up to be for absolutely… no… reason! I mean, while I was doing it, I was thinking, “I’m not exactly sure why I’m doing it, but I’m sure I’ll find out.” Only… like, either you got confused, or you couldn’t remember how to do what you were thinking, or something! THe point is: It was for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!! And I looked stupid DOING IT!! THe fact is, ALL sex looks very stupid on the whole! So if you’re gonna do something, and you KNOW it looks stupid, it’s GOT to be for a REASON!! That’s all!! It really should!! That’s all!!
Richard: [ confused ] I have to digest this… I’m one of those digestives.
[ she sits next to him, as he mulls over their conversation ]
Judi: [ seductively ] Is anything good on?
Richard: [ he turns to look at her ] Nah.
[ he tosses the TV Guide over his shoulder, turns the TV off, as they take each other’s hand and slowly retreat tp the bedroom ]
[ a lone audience member yells, “Yeah!” ]
[ dissolve to wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Germ As A household Pet” ]
[ fade ]
…..Richard Dreyfuss Dr. Candice Brightman…..Laraine Newman Dr. Judd Quimson…..Bill Murray Dr. Francine Shoes…..Gilda Radner Dr. Herbert Rice…..Garrett Morris
[ open on “Sex Test” title card ]
[ dissolve to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: Good evening. This is Richard Dreyfuss. Our show is called “The Sex Test”. It is designed to promote good sexual health by dealing with some of the most common questions and misconceptions surrounding sex. Where needed, we will have amplication from psychologists and sex specialists. Sex is a delicate subject, and as such, we do advise parental discretion in viewing. It should be noted that sex education is preferable to sexual ignorance. And if you remove the children from the room, they’ll probably turn out as screwed up as you are.
Let’s move on to our first question: “How many times a week should a couple have sex if they’ve been married for 8 years?”
a) 4 Times b) 8 Times c) 16 Times
B — 8 Times is correct. [ ding ]
“How many times a week should a couple have se if they’ve been married 16 years?”
a) 4 Times b) 8 Times c) 16 Times
C — 16 Times. [ ding ] Very surprising. Yes, you should have sex as many times each week as the number of years in your marriage. Which is why the average marriage lasts only 15 years.
“In sex, does it matter if the woman is not satisfied — Yes or No?”
The answer… is “No.” [ ding ] Dr. Candice Brightman, of UCLA?
[ cut to Dr. Candice Brightman ]
Dr. Candice Brightman: Uh — this has been a source of confusion for many years, but we know that it is perfectly normal for a man not to care about a woman’s pleasure, just so long as he drains the lizard. Uh — this does not mean that a man shouldn’t feel bad later, and, uh, go out and buy his mate a nice gift.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “How many climaxes are in a woman’s multiple climax?”
a) 2 to 5 b) 12 to 16 c) Hundreds and Hundreds d) An infinite number
The answer… is C. [ ding ] Hundreds and Hundreds. Dr. Judd Quimson, Sociology Advisor to Penthouse Magazine.
[ cut to Dr. Judd Quimson ]
Dr. Judd Quimson: [ breathing heavily ] It’s a multiple! You know, it’s hundreds and hundreds! I mean, what’s the point, otherwise? If one of my girlfriends has, say, you know, only 30 climaxes… I feel like a real creep! I go out and buy her a nice gift.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “The proper thing to say after a man’s premature climax is:
a) Wait ’til the girls hear about this b) Can I get you anything else? c) You selfish pork face now I’ll never be satisfied
C… is the correct answer! [ ding ] Here is Dr. Francine Shoes of the Yorkies Primate Research Center… to explain why.
[ cut to Dr. Francine Shoes ]
Dr. Francine Shoes: When a man has a premature climax, he has a tendency to lie there like a beached whale. He can even fall asleep and forget that you had sex. But, by calling attention to the situation by yelling at him: “You selfish pork face! Now I’ll never be satisfied!”, he’ll roll over and become aware that you have needs, too. And he’ll probably go out and buy you a nice gift!
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “Who discovered genitalia?”
a) The Dutch b) George Washington Carver c) The Earl of Sandwich
B — George Washington Carver is the correct answer. [ ding ] Dr. Herbert Rice, author of “I’m Normal, You’re Normal”.
[ cut to Dr. Herbert Rice ]
Dr. Herbert Rice: Uh — genitalia have their origin in the fertile crescent in Africa. BUT — it wasn’t until the late 19th Century that, uh, they were discovered by George Washington Carver, the man who did more with the peanut than any man in history.
[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “What is the Latin plural of coius interruptus?”
a) Coiti interrupti b) Coitus interruptibus c) Coiti interruptarum d) In coitus maximus or e) None of the above
None! [ ding ] The correct plural of Coitus Interruptus is… Twins.
That’s all the time we have for tonight’s Sex Test, I hope you found it helpful. I’ve got a date… [ he reaches down ] and, fortunately, I have a nice gift, too! [ he holds up a wrapped gift ] Thank you and good night!
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Shouts Obscenities at House Plants” ]
[ fade ]
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by Kierke Guard, the deodorant for sweaty, Danish philosophers. Here are anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd.
[Cut to Dan]
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Dan Aykroyd.
[Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin. Before we start, I’d like to take a moment to respond to some mail that we’ve received. Many of you have explained at times that I act in less than a professional manner. You say I become bitchy and lose my cool, hollering at Emily Litella or John Belushi or Roseanne Roseannadanna. You’re probably right. I do have some things that have been bothering [me] lately. Uh, my mother has Legionnaire’s Disease, but still, there is no reason letting my personal life interfere with my job as a responsible journalist, and I apologize. Never again will you see me lose my dignity by overreacting to any of my fellow correspondents, no matter how feeble they may be. [Raises her right hand] That’s a promise.
[Cut to Dan]
Dan Aykroyd: [nodding] Very well put, Jane. I’m, ah, sorry to hear about your mom. I was wondering why you were so cranky. I thought maybe you might be going through menopause.
[Audience laughter. Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: [smiling] No. Our top story tonight:
According to doctors at McGill University in Montreal, a substance called gum tragacanth, a thickening agent found in McDonald’s hamburger sauce — if you’re allergic to it — can cause itching, abdominal pain, a shortness of breath, a hives-like swelling of face, arms and trunk, and breathing difficulty due to a swollen larynx. A spokesman for McDonald’s reportedly commented “We do it all for you.”
The Environmental Protection Agency has ordered the American Motors Corporation to recall its entire output of 1976 cars due to a faulty pollution-control system. The offending devices have been snapped up by New York City slumlords, who will install them as air conditioners in substandard housing.
Dan Aykroyd: [clears his throat] The Treasury has just released the new metric conversion terms for American Federal Reserve currency, which will come into effect in 1981. The dollar will still be called the dollar, but quarters will be called quart-dollars, dimes will be deca-dollars, nickels will be penta-dollars, and pennies will be called hi-how-do-ya-do’s. No explanation was given.
Jane Curtin: And now, with this week’s review, here’s stargazer Bill Murray. Bill?
[Camera pans over to Bill Murray as audience applauds]
Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. Well, just like all the other critics in this country, I gave my Oscar predictions the week before the Academy Awards. But unlike all those other critics, tonight I’m here to ‘fess up on just how badly I did. Uh, pretty damn badly, I’m afraid. Other than Diane Keaton’s nod for Best Actress, the party animal here completely struck out. Not that I wasn’t pleased to see the Wood-man snag a couple. Hey, class move not to show up, Wood-man, I loved it. I was just surprised that Hollywood had the good sense to give ’em to him. But I must say I was disappointed by the Best Actor selection. Like so many people around this show, I expected Richard Burton to take it for what I understand was a superb performance in Equus. Uh, when Richard Dreyfuss won, I asked Warner Brothers to send over a clip to see if I was wrong. Here’s a clip, Goodbye Girl. Can we show it, please?
[Cut to clip labeled “The Goodbye Girl.” Instead of Richard Dreyfuss and Marsha Mason, the clip features John Belushi and Gilda Radner portraying the film’s main characters, Elliot Garfield and Paula McFadden]
Elliot Garfield: By the way, I sleep in the nude, naked, au naturel, ah-buffo! Them’s my rules, and that’s the way it’s gonna be! [breathes deeply] And another thing, [removes panties from the shower curtain rod] I don’t…like…the panties…hanging…on…the rod! [Hands the panties to Paula as the camera zooms in to a close-up of her face]
[Cut to different scene from the movie]
Elliot Garfield: What do you know? You’re ten years old. Three more years you wanna drive or then you burrrrn.
[Cut to bathroom, where Paula is finishing washing her face. As she turns to leave, Elliot hands her a towel and kisses her]
Paula McFadden: Don’t you ever do that again! [Turns around to dry her face with the towel]
Elliot Garfield: Ooo, your lips say “no-no-no,” but your eyes say “yes-yes-yes”! [Elliot kisses Paula on the back of the shoulder. Scene freezes. Dissolve back to Bill Murray as audience applauds]
Bill Murray: Uh, I’m sorry, but to all my good friends at the Academy, I still have to say uh-uh, no, no way. Richard, Drey, we have seen these movies before, all of them. This is the same Dreyfuss I saw in Jaws, American Graffiti and Duddy Kravitz. Well, actually, I didn’t see Graffiti and Kravitz, but this is what I heard, so…. Anyway, you are letting yourself slide, dude. You’re fat now! Disgustingly fat! Now get into shape or quit the business! Do you wanna do that, Richard? Diiiick? Lumpy, come on! All right, that’s the Richard I think I know. For those of you who don’t agree with me: I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. Now get outta here, ya knuckleheads, I mean it. Back to the original knucklehead, Jane, will you pass this on to Danny for me? [Bill gives Jane a noogie] You knucklehead! Pass it on! [applause]
Jane Curtin: [Smiles as Bill exits] Dan?
[Cut to Dan in front of an image of a policeman grabbing a protester on the face]
Dan Aykroyd: Thank you. Last week in Houston, Texas, a disturbance broke out during a demonstration marking the death of a Mexican-American who died last year while in police custody. Houston officials laughed off the incident, advised rioters to do the same, and as seen here, sent police in to teach the Mexican-Americans how to smile. Jane?
[Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: This week, the Air Force reported two UFOs off the coast of Florida. Here to comment further on this phenomenon is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.
[Applause as the camera pans over to Roseanne]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks, Jane. Mr. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey, writes in and says: “Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, Do you believe in UFOs? Have you ever seen a UFO? Have you had a contact with a UFO? Have you ever been beyond and back? Did you see Star Wars? Do you believe that we are not alone?” Mr. Feder, you ask a lotta questions for someone from New Jersey. But I know what you’re askin’ because once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, saw somethin’ that drove me crazy! It was a hot and clammy summer night, and I was sittin’ alone in my apartment. And I said to myself “Roseanne Roseannadanna, what you need is a ride in the country.” So, I got in my car and I start drivin’. And I love to drive, ’cause my car got an FM radio that I sing with. And I don’t wanna brag, but when I sing in my car, I sound just like Connie Francis! Well, it’s around ten o’clock at night. I didn’t know it, but off to the side of the road, there’s this drive-in movie theater, and they were showin’ this X-rated French movie called Le Sex Shop. And I was just ridin’ along, singin’ a song when all of a sudden, peekin’ through the trees, I saw the world’s biggest buttocks! Two big cheeks that was bouncin’ over the expressway. I thought I was gonna die! There it was in living color, a rectal eclipse! And underneath, there was words, you know, like, ah, subtitles? And this backside is talkin’ to me, sayin’ “Do you love me? I love you. Can you touch me, please. Hold me closer, darlin’. Kiss me, my honeybear.” I couldn’t believe it! Jane, tell me, did a rear end ever talk to you?
Jane Curtin: [Forcing herself to smile and remain calm] No, I-I don’t believe one ever has, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Boy, you sure are in a good mood today.
Jane Curtin: Yes I am, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well good, because, you know, Jane, you know what really makes me sick? Did you ever, like, get a little piece o’ stuff, like, in the corner of your eye, you know, and you take it out and go “What is this? Did this come outta me, you know? Where am I gonna put it?” Then you start–you just start rollin’ it around and rollin’ it around, rollin’ around your finger and you think “Where am I gonna put it?” You think “Where am I gonna put it?” And then, it doesn’t matter where you’re gonna put it ’cause when you look it disappears! [Looking at Jane] Where does that thing go?
Jane Curtin: I’m sorry, I don’t know, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [pointing to Jane’s eyes] Well, you better start thinkin’ about it ’cause you got a little piece o’ stuff right there. [Roseanne puts her arm around Jane] You know, Jane, I never noticed this, but, you know, you got a little moustache right there! Yeah, look at Jane, got a cute little tiny soft baby moustache right all blonde and cute and everything. [Jane starts to get annoyed] You know, you better not shave that ’cause it’ll grow back all black and thick and everything, okay?
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Aw, you’re welcome. You’re real wel–you know, you’re a very, very pretty girl. Very pretty. You know, I want you to tell me somethin’ just between you an’ me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, [pointing to Jane’s breasts] are both o’ your things the same size?
Jane Curtin: [Rips open her shirt to reveal her bra] CHECK FOR YOURSELF, ROSEANNE! [Roseanne puts her head in her hands as Jane recloses her shirt] I prom-I promised myself and my audience…that I wouldn’t lower myself to a level of the likes of you. Rectal eclipses, stuff that disappear when you put it in your fingers. I tried to contain myself when you took me apart piece by piece in front of millions of people. But I guess I’m just not that strong.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes ta show ya, it’s always something. And you know something? I thought you were a lot bigger than that. [Jane gasps and puts her head in her hands] Good night, have a pleasant tomorrow!
[Applause. Weekend Update theme plays. Roseanne waves. Dan tries to comfort Jane as she cringes. Fade]
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Laraine Newman narrates drawings from the Son Of Sam trial. Stargazer Bill Murray gives his review of the “The Greek Tycoon” and attempts to call Jackie Onassis. Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd debate over who gets to hold which viewpoint during Point/Counterpoint.
Olympia CafeSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) sings “Baby Ghouls” with backing vocals from a vampire (Laraine Newman).
Recurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Niko Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis.
Announcer: It’s time for the Franken & Davis Show, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!
[ dissolve to Home Base, as bare-chested Al and Tom enter amid great audience applause ]
Al Franken: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
Tom Davis: You know, uh — we’ve had so many requests for our Sumo Wrestler piece that, tonight, we just had to do it again! But, first — we’d like to introduce some VERY important people in the audience.
Al Franken: You know, there’s an old saying that behind every successful man… you’ll find a woman! And Tom and I are certainly no exceptions. So, tonight, ladies and gentlemen… I’d like you all to meet my lovely wife Darlene. She’s up there. [ he points toward the balcony ] Davey? Davey, can we get a shot of her? [ cut to shot of woman seated in balcony ] There she is! She’s over there! Ladies and gentlemen, my lovely wife Darlene! [ the audience applauds as Darlene smiles graciously ] And sitting next to her, is our son Al, Jr. [ camera pans over to a child-sized version of Al Franken ] Al, Jr. is nine years old, and he’s already in the Second Grade! And, sitting next to Al, Jr., ladies and gentlemen — Suzanne, the girl Tom lives with! [ camera pans over to a blonde woman, as the audience applauds her beauty ]
Tom Davis: [ seriously ] Al? Al, I can’t — I can’t live this lie any longer, ladies and gentlemen. Al just introduced his family and the girl I supposedly live with, to present a facade.
Al Franken: Tom…
Tom Davis: No! With all the Anita Bryant stuff going on… with all the DEFEAT of gay rights all across the United States, some people have to stand up and be counted! I think we should…
Al Franken: No, no…
Tom Davis: No, the truth of the — I mean it! The truth of the matter is: Al and I are homosexual lovers! I’d like to get that out.
Al Franken: DAMMIT, TOM!! Dammit!
Tom Davis: Al, listen — it was gonna come out sooner or later… I just thought it would be the best thing — RIGHT NOW!
Al Franken: [ nervously ] Ladies and gentlemen, uh — Tom is just joking! [ laughing ] This is part… of the routine!
Tom Davis: This is NOT a part of our routine, ladies and gentlemen. This is NOT a joke. Al and I are homosexual lovers, and we are PROUD of it! Both of us! I’d just like to say that. And, uh —
Al Franken: [ miffed ] Tom… how could you do that to us? In front of everybody… ESPECIALLY in front of my WIFE and KID! How can you do…?
Tom Davis: [ stunned ] Well, don’t they know?
Al Franken: No, they don’t know! NO! [ he hangs his head ] In front of all these people! And all the MILLIONS of people at home!
Tom Davis: That’s… that’s EXACTLY my point, Al! I — I — I wanted to make this announcement tonight… and… and… and these people are with you. They like you, they respect you… I think, in fact, they probably respect you MORE. Ladies and gentelmen, don’t you respect Al more now that you know? Now that you know…
[ the audience boos wildly ]
Tom Davis: Now that…
Al Franken: [ aggravated ] You — you see?! You see?!
Voice of Al, Jr.: I HATE YOU, DADDY!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!
[ cut to Al, Jr. standing in the audience ]
Al, Jr.: I HATE YOU, DADDY!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!
[ Al, Jr. storms away from the balcony, as Al’s wife runs after him ]
Voice of Al, Jr.: [ trailing off ] I HATE YOU, DADDY!! I HATE YOU!!
Al Franken: [ to Tom ] You see? Not only you ruined MY life…. but you ruined little Al, Jr.’s, too!
Tom Davis: [ calmly ] Al… you’re taking this…
Al Franken: [ furiously ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY YOU DID THIS, TOM!!!
Tom Davis: You’re taking this the wrong way…
Al Franken: [ shoving Tom ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY YOU DID THIS!! I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SORRY YOU DID THIS!!
Tom Davis: Come on! Let’s just do the Sumo…
Al Franken:[ shoving Tom ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY, TOM!! I’m GONNA MAKE YOU SORRY [ he runs behind the stage curtain ]
Tom Davis: Oh, stop the theatrics! Come back here! [ to the audience ] I’m so sorry — [ to Al, behind the curtain ] Al, come here! Put that gun down! Don’t put that gun to your head!
[ a gunshot fires off, and Al’s body drops behind the curtain as his leg dangles outward ]
[ Tom returns to face the audience ]
Tom Davis: [ sullen ] Uh… well, that’s the end of the show… Good night, everybody…
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: The Franken & Davis Show is brought to you by… [ ad card appears ] The Communist Party of America. Working for a BETTER tomorrow! And, now — here’s Al and Tom!
[ dissolve back to Al and Tom onstage ]
Al Franken: Just kidding, everybody!
Tom Davis: He didn’t really shoot himself!
Al Franken: Good night, everybody!
Tom Davis: Good night!
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Can’t Keep Anything Down” ]
[ fade ]
Buck Henry: Good night, folks! They’ll all be back in the Fall — or not. See you then. Thank you for coming!
[ Dan Aykroyd steps forward to show off his t-shirt ]
Announcer: Be sure to watch encore performances of “Saturday Night Live” right through the summer. Beginning this Saturday, with host O.J. Simpson. And now, this is Don Pardo sinking into the Summer of ’78. Good night.
Joan Face…..Jane Curtin Dr. Russell Bedanza…..Buck Henry
Joan Face: Good evening, and welcome to “More Insects to Worry About”. I’m your host — Joan Face. Tonight’s guest is one of the country’s leading entymologists — Dr. Russell Bedanza.
Dr. Russell Bedanza: It’s very, very nice to be here, Miss Face. I LOVE your show! For me, it’s the omly thing on television worth watching.
Joan Face: Oh, thank you, Dr. Bedanza! You’ve devoted your life to insects — cataloging them, photographing them, even living amongst them as an insect. Now, I ask this of everyone who comes on this show, and if you had to pick one insect out of the whole insect kingdom, that was the biggest threat to the survival of the human species… what would that insect be?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Oh, boy! [ he laughs heartily ] Whoo-hoo-hoo! That’s a tough one! I hate to single one out, when they’re are SO many! Uh — let’s see. There is, of course, the mucus-flinging lawn faggot… uh, MAGGOT! Sorry! UH — the, uh — the common crotch wasp, a tricky little devil… and, uh, the whooping slug.
Joan Face: [ excited ] Oh! Aren’t they the ones that fasten themselves to human eyeball and just suck like there’s no tomorrow?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Exactly! They’re a real nusiance, Miss Face. You actually have to steam them off. But, for a real nightmare insect — make mine the Bedanza Mite.
Joan Face: The Bedanza Mite? Named after you?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: No — I’m named after it.
Joan Face: Well, what makes the Bedanza Mite such a threat?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well… they’re a burrowing mite. His favorite habitat is the human brain. 80% of their body weight is in their mouth parts, so you can very well imagine how VORACIOUSLY they can tongue through that grey matter! [ he chuckles ] They make it look easy!
Joan Face: Well, how do they get in there? Do they gnaw their way through the skull?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well, they could if they wanted… but they seem to prefer natural openings, like the mouth, ears, nostrils, tear ducts — any aperature at all. They can’t walk by one without going in.
Joan Face: Well, what do they do once they’re in the brain.
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Ah! During they day, they excavate; during the night, they scavange — that is, they go out and look for interesting things to bring back inside.
Joan Face: What sort of things?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Oh, whatever’s close at hand. Usually, things found on the host’s night table: loose change, ticket stubs, breath mints…
Joan Face: Generally, small things?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Ah, you would be surprised, Miss Face, what these mites can pack into a hollowed-out human cranium. Now, autopsies have turned up car keys, checkbooks, jars of cold cream, and — once — a paperback copy of “Shogun”. It’s incredible. It seems like the worst victims sleep with their mouthes or their legs open.
Joan Face: Why do they do it?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: For art, Miss Face. Don’t ask me why, but these insects fancy themselves as artists. To them, a collection of loose objects hung inside someone’s head is art.
Joan Face: They make art?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Ah… well, they call it art. I’m an anthropologist, not an art critic. But I know what I like. FRankly, uh, I’ve got a four-year old at home who can do better than these insects.
Joan Face: So, you’re married?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well, no. Mrs. Bedanza passed away.
Joan Face: [ sullen ] Bedanza mite?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Yes. Mrs. Bedanza was a mouth-breather. Things kept disappearing around the house, but we NEVER put two and two together, ’til, one day, they top of her head CAVED IN.
Joan Face: [ sympathetic ] I’m very sorry…
Dr. Russell Bedanza: I kind of blame myself But back to mite art. You know, some of their work’s not altogether bad. There’s a colony of them out on the coast that are branching out into some new areas. I did catch a very interesting show of theirs that’s on Don Ho’s rear end.
Joan Face: [ excited ] What’s it like?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well, it’s very hard to describe. You’ve really got to see it for yourself. For instance, there’s this swizzle stick from Trader Vic’s…
Joan Face: Oh, no, no, no, no! Don’t spoil it for me! How long is it going to be going on?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: I think it’s on through June, then Don’s going back to Hawaii and he’ll probably bring the exhibit back with him.
Joan Face: [ jotting it down ] Well, I’ll have to see…
Dr. Russell Bedanza: One thing — don’t go on a Sunday. The crowds are incredible, they go on for miles.
Joan Face: Thank you!
Dr. Russell Bedanza: [ slyly ] You know, I wouldn’t mind going seeing it again myself…
Joan Face: [ blushing ] Well, great! I’d like that very much. [ to the audience ] Well, that about wraps it up for tonight. Join me next week, when we’ll worry about Disco Lice. Thank you.
[ Joan quickly returns her attention to Dr. Bedenza, as the camera pans upward into the audience and zooms in on a woman with SUPER: “Flosses With A Friend” ]
[ fade ]
Buck Henry: Thank you all very much! It is VERY nice to be be back here, and an HONOR to be back here for the LAST show of the Third Season of this EXTRAORDINARY show. [ the audience applauds enthusiastically ] I, uh — I did the last show of last season, and, uh, I sometimes… I suppose you’ve wondered — and I’ve wondered — why I’m back again to do the last show of this season, because, I mean, they have some quite incredible hosts. Last week was Richard Dreyfuss, the winner of an Academy Award; a few weeks before was Steve Martin, perhaps the fastest rising young comic of our time… and I think, when you really come down to it — and I say this, I think, without any false sense of pride or modesty that what it probably is, is that the “Saturday Night Live” accepts the fact that, from me, they gain a sense of — what shall I call it? — class. I mean, after all, I have been, for the last year or so, working on a major motion picture called “Heaven Can Wait”, with some quite extraordinary people. I’ve been with them for a year. Uh — James Mason, Julie Christie, and my good friend and producer of the film and star of the film and co-director of the film… Mr. Warren Beatty, who has become a real pal of mine, a real friend, and a wonderful, wonderful guy to work with. Uh, I mean… we’ve been, we’ve been together now for almost… I guess for a year now. And Julie Christie has been with us, too, and she’s a wonderful girl and I could tell you terrific stories about her, if I had the time. All of us working together, in this kind of enterprise… I think, doing something as BIG as a picture like this gives my career — and the “Saturday Night” show — a sense of working on something, a persoective of something larger than just a weekly television show. I think the way I live, for instance, the way I live in Hollywood, the way I conduct myself both professionally and in my private life, demands a kind dignity to the show that most guests can’t give it. My home in Hollywood, I think, epitomizes, perhaps, what people like myself… what can I say about it? It’s not garish, but it represents a kind of classiness, and a kind of Hollywood success that most people understand and go for, and perhaps envy a little, and this show certainly can use some of it. I think there are fine people here, and they understand exactly what they’re doing when they asked me to come out here and say some things about them and about myself, and about what kind of person I am and that I deserve to be here. I’ve done this a few times, and I think I’m proud of this time because I know how I’m helping them out of a tight spot, being the last show of the year. And I know Lorne, if he were here, would probably say the same thing because, not only is he my buddy, but because he’s got that same sense of show business, and the same feeling for me and for all of you built in.
[ as Buck talks, the following text SCROLLS up the screen: ]
“Buck doesn’t know Warren Beatty. He doesn’t know Julie Christie, either. He seems to know he’s here now, but clearly he doesn’t know why.
You see, Buck’s career is over. It’s been more than ten years since “The Graduate”. Even David Begelman doesn’t return his calls. This is a tough period for him — burnt out and lonely — what his psychiatrist calls “Mid-Life Crisis”.
It’s sad the way things work out in comedy. One day you’re on top of the heap, the next day you’re trying to convince people you know Warren Beatty.
Buck never married. He lives alone in his small Hollywood apartment — just a few magazines and a telescope. You figure it out. Sure, maybe we should have gotten some big star to do the last show. Some say with NBC in third place in the raings war, we can’t afford to be sentimental.But we believe there are some things more important than ratings — like helping a has-been through a difficult period. But then, that’s the kind of people we are.
Well, we’ve helped him through this. Now it’s up to you the audience, to help him through the rest of the show.
And Warren, if you’re watching, you can help, too. If you see Buck somewhere, and you recognize him, just nod or wave. It will mean an awful lot to him. Remember, the wheel turns, and maybe someday, if your world crumbles, you can go over to Buck’s small apartment and use his telescope.” ]
Buck Henry: So… I wanted to thank you for this opportunity to talk to you, and, uh — we’ll be right back!
Mr. Mike…..Michael O’ Donoghue Vampire…..Laraine Newman
[ open on Mr. Mike singing “Baby Ghouls” ]
Mr. Mike: [ singing ]“Some like it hot, Some like it cold, Some like it in the grave Nine years old.
Look out for the baby ghouls; They’re breaking all the rules. Look out, look out, you fools, for the baby ghouls.
They’ll ask for a candy bar, Show their appendix scar, Ride in your fancy car on their way to school. They’re driving you insane, Gobbling up your brain, Playing out in the rain by the swimming pool.”
[ Vampire is seen next to him, translating his spoken interlude into sign language ]
Mr. Mike: I was driving down Route 17, saw this little girl hitchhikerand I picked her up, and I noticed that when she crossed her legs I could seemy face reflected in her black patent leather shoes. Well, we were drivingfor a while when she turns to me and says, “Hey Mister, hey mister I likeyour flesh, let’s you and me go park.” And I say, “How about Lover’s Lane?”and she says, “No let’s go to the cemetery, no one will bother us there.”And so we drive to the cemetery, and I’m laying on the grass and telling herwhat pretty.. red.. lips she has. She replies, “Mama says no lipstick, so wedip our lips in blood.” and I look up at the tombstone, and on it, is carved,my own.. name!
Mr. Mike: [ continues singing ]“One morning, you wake up dead. Teddy Bear by your bed. They wanna give you headstones, the Baby Ghouls. Blood stains on the party dress, Little white gloves a mess, Look out for the pre-pubess of the Baby Ghouls. Look out for the pre-pubess of the Baby Ghouls. Look out for the pre-pubess..” [ Vampire sneaks up behind him and bites him on the neck ]“..Of the Baby Ghouls.”
[ Mr. Mike is fading, while blood comes out of vampire’s mouth ]
[ fade to black ]